A film crew was present from 30 May to 2 June inside an academic building on The Parade in Cardiff for what is believed to be episode two of the next Doctor Who series, featuring Ncuti Gatwa. The production crew had previously filmed at the same location on 8 May with the street freshly painted with a zebra crossing akin to the one famously pictured on famous Abbey Road LP cover by The Famous Be-Atles (a popular - and famous - beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them). This time scenes were shot in the basement of an unused building owned by Cardiff & Vale College, Ncuti Gatwa and Mille Gibson were filmed running down The Parade and going inside the same building during the 8 May filming. The crew continued at the location on 31 May where an onlooker claimed to have spotted actors 'resembling the four members' of The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) and a double for Millie Gibson in her - rather dish - 1960s costume previously featured on this blog. In Doctor Who Magazine issue number five hundred and eighty six (available from all good newsagents ... and some bad ones, too) Russell Davies stated: 'Here I am, with [the script for] episode two in front of me (it contains the words "Liverpool", "legions" and "non-diegetic").'
Award-winning actress Indira Varma is joining the next series of Doctor Who. First entering the - extended - world(s) of Doctor Who as Suzie Costello in Russell Davies' spin-off series Torchwood, Indira now steps on-board the TARDIS in her new 'mysterious' role as The Duchess. Probably not the one featured in The Stranglers 1979 single of the same name. Though, with Big Rusty, one can never be entirely certain on such matters. Indira is well known for her recent role as Ingrid in the thriller series Obsession and her performance as Ellaria Sand on Game Of Thrones. She now joins Doctor Who from across the galaxy after recently starring in Disney+'s Obi-Wan Kenobi. Indira has also been celebrated onstage, winning an Olivier Award for her portrayal of Liz Essendine in Present Laughter as well as starring other major theatre productions including the acclaimed Man & Superman and Jamie Lloyd's production of Chekhov's The Seagull. Speaking about joining the Doctor Who cast, Indira Varma said: 'I'm thrilled to be in Doctor Who and particularly excited to be crossing cosmic paths with Ncuti, as The Doctor and look forward to creating interplanetary mischief with him. I loved playing Suzie Costello for Russell in Torchwood so am thrilled to be entering this world again.' Big Rusty his very self added: 'I'm overjoyed to be reunited with Indira after our Torchwood days and this part is truly spectacular! A whole new audience will be hiding behind the settee when The Duchess unleashes her terror.' God forbid.
The once and future Doctor, national heartthrob David Tennant, whilst speaking with a fan in a video clip posted on Twitter, has suggested that the forthcoming Doctor Who sixtieth anniversary trilogy is 'going to be quite unexpected.' No shit? When he was subsequently asked whether there would be 'lots of surprises, like the old days,' David added: 'Yeah, definitely. Exactly!' He continued: 'I think there's stuff that people do not know is coming. And there's some stuff that people do know is coming.' And, this not-really-saying-anything-that-we-didn't-already-know piece of abject fluff was then claimed, by the Radio Times (which used to be run by adults) to be 'an exclusive.' Which, it really isn't.
The cover for the latest issue of Doctor Who Magazine (available from all good newsagents ... and, some bad ones too) gives fans a new look at Yasmin Finney, who will make her debut as the character Rose in the sixtieth anniversary specials later this year. We got our first glimpse of Rose in the initial trailer for the upcoming anniversary episodes released last Christmas and we saw a bit more of her in the recently released second trailer. The cover of this month's Doctor Who Magazine provides a better look at Yasmin. Very few details about the character have been revealed, but there is a popular fan-theory that she is the daughter of Catherine Tate's Donna Noble, with her name a potential nod to Billy Piper's Rose Tyler. Finney is not playing a new version of Tyler, as some - tragically uninformed - newspapers have speculated. Particularly some desperately ill-informed numbskull at the Independent.
For this latest bloggerisation update's From The North Recommends You Have A Right Good Butchers At This Article thingy, Keith Telly Topping draws all dear blog readers attention to a jolly well-written and researched think-piece written by CBR.com's Sean Bassett, The Ten Worst Things About The Doctor Who Fandom. Which you can read, here. And, you should. 'The Doctor Who fandom has been responsible for some of the most wonderful things, but equally some factions of the fan base have displayed some abhorrent behavior [sic],' Sean begins. True that. As a member and close observer of said collective for close on forty years (this blogger is not bragging, you understand, merely ... old), this blogger agrees with you entirely, mate. The ten things are, in case you're wondering, Dismissive of other mediums; Fan entitlement; Nitpicking; Gatekeeping; Taking the show too seriously; A snobbish attitude; Controversial members; The "Not My Doctor" Group; Stalking the Cast & Crew and an outspoken nature. And, when you're reading it, keep a quick tally of how many you reckon you've been guilty of at some stage over the years. This blogger believes he's been in at least three columns at one time or another (possibly four). Especially nitpicking! Well, he did once co-write a book that took that particular idea to it's logical extreme. (Still available for Kindle on Amazon, incidentally!) So, yes all of these are valid to one degree or another. Although, to be be scrupulously fair, most fandoms (TV, film, comics, sport, literature, music, comedy) suffer from a decent-sized dose of the vast majority of these issues. Particularly the 'taking it all too seriously' thing! That sort of defines what being in a fandom (any fandom) is all about, surely? This blogger used to joke with his fiends when someone on Outpost Gallifrey or Twitter or (in even older days) fanzine writers would be getting rather hot under the collar about some trivial this, that or the other, 'if you think this is bad, check up some of the forums for rock bands, or football clubs, that'll really make your hair stand on end.' One of the main problems with Doctor Who fandom is perfectly illustrated by the 'Gatekeeping' section, however. 'The show's fan base is deeply passionate about Doctor Who,' writes Sean, 'as they spend hours debating about it online. While this infectious enthusiasm can help attract new viewers through positive word-of-mouth, occasionally it can prove a hindrance. Some corners of the Doctor Who fandom insist that viewers must watch certain content from its past to be a "true fan." One of the fan base's most common demands is that audiences check out the classic series if they wish to be welcomed into the community.' That, right there, is the gist of the problem - the whole 'classic Who' versus nu-Who' division. Quite apart from the use of the horribly agenda-soaked word 'classic' (as opposed to, I dunno, 'old' maybe), this blogger has always been of the view that anyone who is a fan of Doctor Who should, as a consequence, be a fan of the TV series which began on the BBC on 23 November 1963 and, sixty years later, is still running on the BBC. Sure, you don't have to like all of it (this blogger has, as long term dear blog readers will know, some jolly serious issues with the Colin Baker era, for example) but, ultimately, it's all the same production of the same central conceit. The argument that 2005 or 2015 Doctor Who are not 'real' Doctor Who because they don't look like 1965 Doctor Who holds no water. If only because 1975 and 1985 Doctor Who didn't look like 1965 Doctor Who either. But they're all, still, Doctor Who because that's what it says on the tin. This blogger isn't sure whether that attitude counts as 'reverse-gatekeeping' or not but, Keith Telly Topping is fine with the concept of people in their sixties who were there for An Unearthly Child and younglings whose first Doctor was Jodie Whittaker all being part of the same fan collective. All are welcome, yes indeed. Anyway, it's damned good article, thought-provoking, challenging and well-worth a few moments of your precious time, dear blog reader. Check it out.
From The North's favourite TV series of 2022, The Sandman is currently in the thick of pre-production on series two. Creator Neil Gaiman revealed this during a recent exchange on Tumblr. Which is where the Digital Spy website appears to get most of its stories these days. A fan message to Neil read: 'I've not seen or heard much news on The Sandman season two, could you perhaps give us a little news on how that's coming on if that's okay?' Instead of telling the annoying little pipsqueak to bugger off and learn a valuable lesson in patience Neil - because, he's much too nice for that sort of thing - replied: 'Scripts are written. We are casting the first episode we will be shooting. Sets are being designed.' The next series of the acclaimed comic book adaptation will, once again, see Tom Sturridge as Morpheus, a role which forced the actor to drastically alter his body. 'There's so many aspects of his physicality that were important to me, simply because he doesn't express himself traditionally, often. And so the way that he moves, I think, could be an enlightening way of how he can articulate himself,' he said last year. 'I wanted to build a body that felt like a creature and was true to the images that are in the comics. It's someone whose flesh is burnt away and is just sinew and bone.' He added: 'As far as how difficult that was to achieve - it was in the sense that it required discipline and working out and not eating that much. But actually, acting is such an ephemeral job. We're constantly trying to catch clouds when we go to work. To work out is really easy. Because you just do the six things they tell you to do and it happens.'
As the Hollywood writers' strike reaches the end of its first week with no development in writing professionals having their demands heard, the shadow of delayed productions grows bigger as studios remain unwilling to pay writers a fair wage or address their concerns about the increasing uses of AI-generated content in script production. This week, Neil Gaiman addressed the WGA strike and whether it would affect the production of the Netflix series. Neil provided an important update when a fan asked this week if the production could be delayed due to the strike. Gaiman stated that 'whether or not any of Sandman is delayed depends on how long the strike goes.' He added that 'there won't be scab scripts on Sandman.' There is power in a union, brothers and sisters. Up the workers.
And now, Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Sixty One: Potential.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Sixty Two: Phases.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Sixty Three: Lovers Walk.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Sixty Four: The I In Team.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Sixty Five: Checkpoint.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Sixty Six: Same Time, Same Place.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Sixty Seven: Get It Done.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Sixty Eight: Helpless.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Sixty Nine: Crush.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Seventy: Where The Wild Things Are.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Seventy One: Goodbye Iowa.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Seventy Two: Restless.
Earlier this week, dear blog reader, this blogger's preview copies of the first two episodes of White House Plumbers rocked up at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. On the strength of these, this blogger is delighted to report that the five-part series appears to be every bit as admirably deranged as this blogger hoped it would be. Keith Telly Topping especially enjoyed the opening caption to the first episode ('The names have not been changed to protect the innocent ... Because most of them were found guilty!') Particular kudos are due to Justin Theroux who actually manages the impossible and underplays Gordon Liddy!
Over this weekend this blogger stumbled, completely accidentally, upon a ghastly, genuinely awful and sneering homophobic slur posted on a fiend's Facebook page by someone whom this blogger does njot know but who was, clearly, a fiend of that fiend. At which point, this blogger found himself terribly conflicted over whether to report the post to the relative authorities since a) it was a ghastly, sneering homophobic slur using a term that went out of wide usage in the 1980s but, b) it was about Mister Schofield. Upon further reflection, this blogger did what he believes most right-thinking people would in such a situation and snitched the poster up, right good and proper to Facebook's complaint department like a filthy stinking Copper's Nark. And, therefore, he let them decide on the morality of the issue (still no word the outcome at the time of writing). But, it's a useful illustration of how the Twenty First Century is so confusing on all sorts of levels.
Which brings us with the full and frank inevitability of the frankly inevitable to that part of From The North dedicated to this blogger's on-going medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, malarkeys as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the building of the Great Wall of China, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into New Year 2022 feeling rotten; experienced five days in hospital; was discharged; received B12 injections; then more injections; somewhat recovered his missing appetite; got an initial diagnosis; had a consultant's meeting; continued to suffer fatigue and insomnia; endured a second endoscopy; had another consultation; got (unrelated) toothache; had an extraction; which took ages to heal; had another consultation; spent a week where nothing remotely health-related occurred; was given further B-12 injections; had an echocardiogram; received more blood extractions; made another hospital visit; saw the insomnia and torpor continue; received yet more blood tests; had a rearranged appointment for his sick note; suffered his worst period yet with the fatigue. Until the following week. And, then the week after that. Oh, the fatigue, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless fatigue. He had a go on the Blood-Letting Machine; got another sickie; had an assessment; was given his fourth COVID jab; got some surprising news about his assessment; had the results of his annual diabetes check-up; had another really bad week with the fatigue; followed by one with the sciatica; then one with the chronic insomnia; and, one with a plethora of general cold-related grottiness. Which continued over the Christmas period and into New Year. There was that 'slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side' thing; the night-time leg cramps; getting some new spectacles and this blogger's return to the East End pool after over a year of constant inactivity. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in water. Or, indeed, out of it. Feeling genuinely wretched. And, experiencing a particularly nasty bout of gastroenteritis.
On Bank Holiday Monday, The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House had a visit from a delightful lady occupational therapist from the Department of Baths, Fran. She's going to recommend getting a shower installed in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House to replaced the knee-cracked bath unit. Which was nice.
The following day, it was time for this blogger's latest Covid booster (Keith Telly Topping's fifth since that whole malarkey began). Which, thankfully, was arranged for the local pharmacy a mere two minute limp from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. And, which was stuck into this blogger relatively painlessly - and he uses the word 'relatively' quite wrongly - and with no side-effects suffered.
So, dear blog reader, that-there 2022-23 English football season. What was that all about, then?
Following The Arse's calamitous defeat to Nottingham Forest on 20 May, Sheikh Yer Man City officially secured their third consecutive Premier League title with three games to spare. Becoming, in doing so, the first club other than crosstown rivals The Scum to achieve such a feat in the Premier League era. Because, obviously, if you're a Sky Sports viewer, football actually began in 1992 and everything prior to that (apart from one day at Wembley in 1966) was just a mirage. It was Sheikh Yer Man City's ninth league title overall and their seventh since 2012. And this time, mercifully, their village idiot Jack Grealish didn't say something crass and insulting in a drunken interview about any fellow professionals at other clubs. Although, the season hasn't technically finished yet, so he's still got time to dig out his clown's hat and say something stupid.
Meanwhile, The Arse broke the record of spending the largest number of days (two hundred and forty eight) on top of the league during a top flight season without actually winning the title. The season began with The Arse going on a five-game unbeaten streak before they lost three-one to The Scum at Old Trafford. Sheikh Yer Man City also got off to a strong start, having signed striker Erling Haaland (whose thirty six league goals beat the Premier League record totals previously set by Alan Shearer and Andy Cole, but not the First Division record set by Dixie Dean - who Sky Sports viewers believe was also, clearly, a fictional character); they went on a nine-game unbeaten run before losing at The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws in October. The Scum finished third and returned to the Champions League in sour-faced slapheed Erik Ten Hag's debut season as manager, in addition to having won the Carabao Cup. This blogger's beloved Magpies, in fourth, qualified for the Champions League for the first time in twenty years, their highest finish since Sir Bobby Robson was the club's manager in 2003. As mentioned in a recent bloggerisationism update, Eddie Howe's black n' white army were defensively solid (they only lost five games all season, fewer than anyone except Sheikh Yer Man City) and, late in the season, free scoring - two things which one has seldom associated with Th' Toon for many, many years!
Whinging Herr Klopp's whinging Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, despite a good late run, nevertheless ended the season outside the Champions League places, in fifth, qualifying instead for the Europa League. Which, seemingly, Herr Klopp and Mo Salah both felt was somewhat beneath a club with A Devine Right To Be In The Top Four and a geet massive big collective chip on their collective shoulder. Brighton & Hove Albinos finished sixth, achieving the highest league finish in the club's history and also qualified for the Europa League for the first time (in the process becoming many football supporters' second favourite Premiership team). A significant achievement for Roberto De Zerbi who replaced Graham Potter (and his nasty hipster beard) when the latter defected - for, supposedly greener grass in South London - to Torpedo Stamford Bridge in September. Aston Villains and their notoriously fair-weather support grabbed that all-important seventh place and, consequently, made it into the Europa Conference League play-off round, at the expense of eighth-placed Stottingtot Hotshots (which was, no doubt, to the considerable ire of Spurs's extremely loud army of online commentators. Swear down, blud). To be fair, Stottingtot's season was blighted by injury - most notably the fact that Eric Dier didn't actually have one. Next year will be the first time since 2011 that The Hotshots have failed - miserably - to play in any European competition and they ended this season still without a permanent manager and with Harry Kane, perhaps, having played his last game for the club before a move to Madrid. Or Manchester. Yeah. Good luck with that.
Brentford had an excellent season finishing ninth - themselves, being in contention for a European place right up to a last day win against the champions - despite ending the season with top scorer Ivan Toney banned from football for nine months for breaches of betting rules. Although the staggering hypocrisy of a football association banning a player for betting on football matches when the second, third and fourth tiers of said association's pyramid are all sponsored by Sky Bet is, perhaps, a question worth talking about. Fulham and Crystal Palace were tenth and eleventh respectively. The Club Formerly Known As Moscow Chelski FC had one of their worst Premier League seasons ever becoming the third highest placed team in West London behind both Fulham and Brentford. Which was funny, admittedly. The Blues finished in the bottom half of the table for the first time since 1996 after sacking Thomas Tuchel (you know, the bloke who'd won them The Champions League just over a year earlier) and then, his replacement, Graham Potter (and his nasty hipster beard) before appointing Frank Lampard as a (truly disastrous) interim manager. And, despite having also spent nearly four hundred million knicker like it was Monopoly®™ money in the January transfer window. If you're looking for a textbook example of how not to run a piss-up-in-a-brewery, dear blog reader, have yourselves a quiet word with yer man Todd Boehly, he'll steer you in the right direction.
Wolverhampton Wanderings and West Hamsters United both flirted with relegation for a while before pulling clear of the drop-zone in the closing weeks of the season. If The Hamsters win this season's Europa Conference League final (they play Fiorentina later in June), they will qualify for next season's Europa League group stage. Wolves will only be in Europe next year if there is another war. Bournemouth, who were almost unanimously tipped for relegation at the start of the season (particularly after a nine-nil defeat at Anfield at the end of August, which saw manager Scott Parker extremely sacked), ended up confounding the critics by avoiding relegation, with Gary O'Neil guiding the team to safety relatively comfortably. Steve Cooper did a similarly unexpected job at Nottingham Forest. Southampton - who had four managers at various points during the season - finished rock bottom after eleven consecutive years in the division, whilst Dirty Leeds United failed to repeat the last day escape of the previous season (losing four-one at home to Spurs) and were also relegated, after three years in the top flight. Which put a big, fat scowl on big, fat Sam Allardyce's big, fat mush. So, that was definitely worth watching. Leeds fans reportedly attributed their relegation to 'the actions of a complete oaf.' Allardyce responded: 'It's nice of the guys to blame an oaf but, I can't help thinking I'm partly responsible.' Pubs and chips shop outlets in West Yorkshire have been notified accordingly. Three defeats and one draw during his emergency tenure ensured that there really was nobody 'ahead' of him 'in football terms', as he had notoriously claimed - apart for the eighteen teams who finished higher in the Premier League, obviously. The sixty eight year-old reportedly pocketed five hundred thousand smackers for his month's in charge. Nice work if you can get it.
Leicester City were the third team relegated after a nine year spell in the division and only seven years after being crowned champions, becoming the second team after Blackburn Rovers to be relegated as former Premier League winners; this, despite The Foxes winning their final game of the season against West Hamsters. Presumably Jamie Vardy's missus will have to find some salacious stories about visits to The Stadium of Light or The Riverside to flog to the Sun next year? The queue to entice James Maddison away from The King Power Stadium and the prospect of Championship football next season has already formed. And, it's quite a long one. Meanwhile, Everton escaped relegation on the final day for the third time in the Premier League era with a one-nil win against Bournemouth, extending The Toffees top flight stay to seventy consecutive years for next season. And, meaning that one of the 'nobodies' ahead of Sam Allardyce - in footballing terms - is ... Sean Dyche. Oh, the shame.
Vincent Kompany's Burnley wasted no time after last year's relegation, coming straight back up to the Premier League after achieving automatic promotion from The Championship faster than anyone else, before beating Cardiff City on the final day of the season which meant Kompany became the first ever points centurion as both a player (with Sheikh Yer Man City) and a manager. Burnley secured automatic promotion on 7 April with a two-one win at Middlesbrough and made sure of the title on 25 April by defeating their fiercest rivals Blackburn Vindaloos. Sheffield United sealed the second automatic place, beating West Bromwich Albinos on 26 April, achieving promotion under Paul Heckingbottom, who was appointed in November 2021 with The Blades languishing in sixteenth place in the division. When it came to the play-off race, it was anything but comfortable for the majority of teams who were scrapping it out for a spot in the top six. It ended up boiling down to the final day of the regular season, as it has so many times previously. Blackburn, who themselves still had an outside chance of a top six finish, ended Millwall's hopes of promotion after coming from behind and winning four-three. Gary Rowett would have been devastated, as a win would have seen his side finish fifth, instead defeat saw them finish the campaign in eighth, one point away from a play-off place. It was The Mackem Filth who took full advantage of the result at The Den, defeating Preston Both Ends and moving into sixth place on goal difference.
In the end the play-off final was between two clubs on the rise, Luton Town and Coventry City who, between them, conspired to keep this blogger's beloved Magpies as the sole North East team in the Premier League by defeating The Mackem Filth and The Smoggies in their respective play-off semi-finals. Luton eventually won the third promotion spot on penalties. It has been a remarkable rise for The Hatters, who were playing non-league football as recently as 2014. A penny for Nathan Jones' thoughts, though. The Welshman left Luton in November to take over at Premier League strugglers Southampton. He was unable to replicate the kind of success he had achieved at Kenilworth Road and found himself out of a job in February. His replacement at Luton, Rob Edwards, who had himself been sacked by Luton's fierce rivals Watford in October, then stepped in and led Luton to the top flight for the first time since 1992. As for the trigger-happy Hornets, they brought in Slaven Bilic to replace Edwards and then sacked him in favour of Chris Wilder in March. Wilder, in turn, had been sacked by Middlesbrough at the start of the season (replaced by Michael Carrick) and Watford have now installed Valerien Ismael for next season. Or, at least, part of next season until they get sick of him as well. Comeback kid of the year must be Middlesbrough striker - and Championship golden boot winner - Chuba Akpom. The twenty seven-year-old spent the previous season on loan in Greece and started the current campaign without a squad number at The Riverside, but forced his way into The Smoggies starting eleven and went on to bag a whopping twenty nine goals in all competitions and claim the division's player of the season award. West Bromwich Albinos finished ninth, a significant improvement after having been in the relegation places before they - hilariously - gave risible managerial fraud Steve Brucie (nasty to see him, to see him ... nasty) the old tin-tack in October and replaced him with Carlos Corberán, someone who actually knew what he was doing.
At the other end of the table, the bottom three were decided before the final day of the season. Reading and Wigan Not Very Athletic were both deducted points for various infractions and these proved to be too much ground to make up as they were both relegated to League One along with Blackpool, who suffered from the dreaded second season syndrome. Kolo Toure won none of his nine games in charge of Wigan before being sacked in February. The Latics once again face an uncertain future after being relegated to League One and being hit with a further eight-point deduction for failing to meet an EFL funding deadline. One of the contenders for manager of the season was Old Neil Warnock as he managed to get Huddersfield Town from bottom of the league to nine points clear of the drop-zone after coming in as manager in February. Cardiff City, Rotherham and Queens Park Strangers also narrowly avoided the drop.
Josh Windass' goal to send Sheffield Wednesday up to the Championship with the final kick of the English Football League season drew an emphatic line under an epic League One campaign. A fascinating four-way promotion battle unfolded with Plymouth Argyle and Ipswich Town gaining automatic promotion, Argyle winning the division with one hundred and one points and The Tractor Boys a mere three points behind. If we're talking comebacks on the pitch then nothing tops Sheffield Wednesday's miraculous play-off semi-final win over Peterborough. The Owls, who had finished third in the regular season on ninety six points, were hammered four-nil in the first leg by Darren Ferguson's Posh to, apparently, leave their promotion hopes in tatters. No club has ever overcome more than a two-goal first-leg deficit before but, roared on by a rocking Hillsborough crowd, they made it four-four on aggregate with the final kick of the ninety minutes and eventually won the tie on penalties. Wednesday then won the play-off final with Windass' diving header - the last action of extra-time against Barnsley - to cap off what boss Darren Moore called 'a fairytale.' Barnsley had beaten Notlob Wanderers in their tight semi-final. Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws boss Herr Klopp was so impressed by Conor Bradley's form on-loan at Notlob that he has suggested the Northern Ireland international will be involved in his first-team squad next season. Another player who could be featuring in the top flight in 2023-24 - having starred in the third tier this year - is Crystal Palace winger Jesurun Rak-Sakyi. The twenty-year-old scored fifteen goals whilst on-loan with Charlton Athletic. Amongst those who flirted with play-off places but, ultimately, came up short, were Derby County, Portsmouth, Wycombe Wanderers, Charlton and Lincoln City. The bottom four teams were relegated to League Two. Forest Green Rovers' (and their vegan pies) relegation was confirmed on 15 April with a five-one home thrashing by Barnsley, while the other three places were decided on the final day of the season as Milton Keynes Dons drew at Burton, Morecambe (but, not And Wise) lost at Exeter and Accrington Stanley (who are they?) went down despite a two-one win at Oxford United. Cambridge United, Oxford and Port Vale finished clear of the relegation places. Ex-Everton and Newcastle striker Duncan Ferguson will hope to have his Forest Green side challenging at the top end of their division next season after a chastening first few months as a manager. To be fair to Big Dunc (and one should always be fair to Big Dunc since he's hard as nails), Rovers already looked doomed at the foot of League One when he took over in January. But he still would have hoped for more than a solitary win in his eighteen matches in charge as they finished nineteen points adrift of safety. Things went no better for Wee Jody Morris in his first managerial appointment at Swindon Town. Appointed in January the former Chelski coach was sacked by the League Two side before the final game of the season after losing ten of his nineteen matches in charge in Wiltshire.
Leyton Orient made sure of promotion from League Two on 18 April despite losing at Gillingham and clinched the title four days later beating Crewe. The O's made a superb start and, despite dropping form somewhat in the second half of the campaign, claimed the title with something to spare. Not bad for a team who had finished thirteenth in 2021-22. Stevenage were promoted on 29 April after beating Grimsby two-nil and Northampton Town earned the final automatic promotion place defeating Tranmere on the final day of the season. Jon Brady's Cobblers had missed out on third place last season on goals scored, after Bristol Rovers thumped relegated Scunthorpe seven-nil, but there were no such concerns this time out as Northants' win at Tranmere was enough to send them to League One. Carlisle United were the fourth team promoted as they beat Stockport on penalties in the play-off final. Carlisle picked up midfielder Owen Moxon from Scottish League Two side Annan last summer and the twenty five-year-old claimed fifteen assists and six goals as they won promotion. Bradford City and Salford also qualified for the play-offs with Mansfield Town missing out only on goal difference The bottom two teams were relegated to the National League, with Rochdale's one hundred and two-year stay in the Football League ending after they lost at Stockport on 22 April. Hartlepool United joined them a week later despite beating Barrow three-one. Crawley Town AFC Wimbledon and Colchester United successfully avoided the drop.
National League Champions Wrexham clinched automatic promotion to League Two by beating Boreham Wood three-one on 22 April. Phil Parkinson's men - backed, of course, by Hollywood actors Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney - claimed the title with a staggering one hundred and eleven points, four ahead of Notts County. The (Other) Magpies then came back from two-nil down to win their play-off semi-final in extra-time and then twice came from behind to win the play-off final against Chesterfield on penalties on 13 May. So, the oldest former Football League club is now back in the Football League after a four year absence. Woking, Barnet, Boreham Wood and Bromley also competed in the play-offs. The bottom four teams are relegated to National League North or South and, for the first time ever, all of them were former Football League outfits. Maidstone United became the first club in England's top leagues to be relegated after losing four-nil to Boreham Wood on 1 April. Scunthorpe United joined them on 10 April after losing to Oldham for their second relegation in successive seasons, as did Yeovil Town after they lost at Wrexham on 18 April. Torquay United were relegated on the final day of the season despite drawing with the champions. Wor geet canny Gatesheed finished a respectable fourteenth. The relegated clubs will be replaced by National League North champions AFC Fylde and play-off winners Kidderminster Harriers and National League South champions Ebbsfleet United and play-off winners Oxford City. Wor geet canny South Shields won the Northern Premier League and were promoted to the National League North.
Treble-winners Glasgow Celtic clinched the Scottish Premiership title on 7 May winning at Heart of Midlothian and will enter the Champions League at the group stage, with runners-up and Old Firm rivals Glasgow Rangers entering at the third qualifying round stage. Although whether Ange Postecoglou will still be in charge at Parkhead by then or if he will have been sentenced to a lengthy stretch at The Stottingham Hotshots Stadium is a question probably best left for another day. Third-placed Aberdeen and Hearts, who finished fourth, qualified for Europe as did fifth-placed Hibernian. Celtic's win in the Scottish Cup Final against Inverness Caledonian Thistle on 3 June meant that Aberdeen will enter the Europa League at the play-off round, whilst the Edinburgh pair of Hearts and Hibs are both in the Europa Conference League at the third and second qualifying rounds, respectively. Dundee United - who finished the 2021-22 season in fourth and, themselves, qualified for European football - had a truly terrible year at Tannadice and were relegated to the Scottish Championship when they lost three-two to Motherwell on the final day of the regular season. United were eliminated from the Conference League by AZ Alkmaar after a truly embarrassing seven-nil defeat in the Netherlands, equaling the record defeat for a Scottish club in European competitions. They started the league season equally poorly and were beaten nine-nil at home by Celtic on 28 August. That's nine-nil. At home. Ouch. Jack Ross, formerly of The Mackem Filth, was appointed as United's manager before the season as a replacement for the popular Tam Courts who had led The Terrors into Europe before leaving to manage Honved. Ross was extremely sacked after a mere five games, culminating in the surrender-before-kick-off against Celtic. Nine-nil, remember. Nine. He was succeeded by Liam Fox, initially on an interim basis. Fox was in charge until February where, after a horrorshow against fellow relegation rivals Ross County, United lost four-nil and he, too, got the boot. The club then turned to Jim Goodwin, who had himself been relieved from his role at Aberdeen in February, appointing him until the end of the season. Ross County faced Championship side Partick Thistle in the two-legged play-off final. Losing two-nil in the first game, County were seconds from relegation before an injury time equaliser by George Harmon took the tie to penalties, with County eventually winning five-four to retain their top flight status.
Dundee were promoted to the Scottish Premiership as champions after beating title rivals Queen's Park five-three on the final day of the season and will replace fierce Granite City rivals Dundee United in the Premiership. Ayr United and Queen's Park lost out in the play-off semi-finals. Bottom club Cove Rangers were relegated to Scottish League One after losing to Greenock Morton on the last day of the regular season, while ninth-placed Hamilton Academicals went down on 20 May, losing their play-off final to Airdrieonians on penalties. Scottish League One Champions Dunfermline Athletic clinched automatic promotion to the Championship on 15 April, thrashing Queen Of The South five-nil. Bottom of the table Peterhead were relegated to Scottish League Two after losing at Kelty Hearts on 29 April, whilst ninth-placed Clyde were relegated on 19 May after a five-two aggregate defeat by Annan in the play-off final. Champions of Scottish League Two were Stirling Albion, who clinched the title on 22 April after beating Annan and were automatically promoted to League One. Albion Rovers were relegated on 20 May, losing to Lowland League winners The Spartans - who will replace them in League Two next season - in the pyramid play-off-final. Former league regulars Brechin City won The Highland League by two points from Buckie Thistle.
As usual, there was lots of dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions as The New Saints of Oswestry & Llansantffraid won the Cymru Premier for the fifteenth time and the eleventh occasion in the last fourteen seasons. Seriously, lads, it's all getting a bit boring now - you know, like Red Bull's dominance in F1. Runners-up Connah's Quay Nomads and third placed Penybont will play in the the Europa Conference League's first qualifying round whilst Cardiff Metropolitan University, Bala Town, Newtown and Haverfordwest County all reached the Conference League play-offs with Haverfordwest beating Newtown on penalties in the final meaning they, too, will compete in the Conference League qualifiers. Flint Town United and Airbus UK Broughton were relegated to Cymru North and Cymru South respectively. Colywn Bay and Barry Town will replace them in next season's Premier League.
Northern Ireland's NIFL Premiership was won by Larne, clinching their first ever league title on 14 April 2023 with a two-nil win over Crusaders. Their prize was a place in the Champions League first qualifying round. The runners-up (last year's champions, Linfield), the Irish Cup winners (Crusaders) and the play-off winners (Glentoran, who beat Cliftonville) will enter the Europa Conference League first qualifying round. Bottom side Portadown were relegated to the NIFL Championship (replaced by promoted Loughgall), but Dungannon Swifts retained their place in the top flight, winning a play-off against the Championship's third-placed team, Annagh United. Warrenpoint Town, who finished runners-up in the Championship were denied an NIFL Premiership license on 27 April 2023 and were unsuccessful in their appeal against this right shite state of affairs.
The League Of Ireland Premier Division was won by Shamrock Rovers who will play in the Champions League first qualifying round. Derry City (runners-up and FAI Cup winners), Dundalk and St Patrick's Athletic qualified for the Europa Conference League first qualifying round. University College Dublin were relegated to the League Of Ireland First Division, replaced by Galway United.
Bayern München dramatically snatched the Bundesliga title away from Borussia Dortmund after beating FC Köln two-one whilst their title rivals drew at home to Mainz on final day of season. Bayern announced immediately after their title triumph that they had fired CEO Mary Shelley's Oliver Kahn and Sporting Director Hasan Salihamidzic. Meanwhile, RB Leipzig and Union Berlin finished third and fourth respectively and will also compete in the Champions League next season. SC Freiburg and Bayer Leverkusen will play in the Europa League group stages and Eintracht Frankfurt qualified for the Europa Conference League play-off round with VfL Wolfsburg, Mainz and Borussia Mönchengladbach all missing out. Hertha Berlin and Schalke 04 were relegated, while VfB Stuttgart will go into the relegation play-off against Hamburger SV on 5 June. FC Heidenheim 1846 and SV Darmstadt won promotion from the second tier of German football.
Eredivisie champions Feyenoord Rotterdam and runners-up PSV Eindhoven will both be playing Champions League football next season - as usual - whilst Ajax Amsterdamn finished third and take a place in the Europa League. To complete a less-than-satisfactory year for Ajax, they also lost to PSV in the Dutch Cup Final. AZ Alkmaar were fourth and qualified for Europa Conference League third qualifying round (unless, of course, they get very banned by UEFA after some of their naughtier fans gave West Hamsters United some serious grief in the same competition earlier this year). FC Twente, Sparta Rotterdam, Utrecht and SC Heerenveen will all compete in a forthcoming play-off competition for The Netherlands final European place in the Conference League. Tragically this blogger's personal favourite Dutchies, Go Ahead Eagles, finished eleventh and missed out on potential European glory. Cambuur were relegated to Eerste Divisie, as were Gronigan - normally a side who finish comfortably mid-table who had, in the club's own words their 'Worst! Season! Ever!' Groningen finished bottom, winning only four times in thirty four matches and were relegated to the Eerste Divisie for the third time. Before the start of the season, the German Frank Wormuth was appointed coach. However, he was sacked in November, after which Wormuth labelled the working conditions 'mentally unsafe.' Under his successor, Dennis van der Ree, Groningen won only once in twenty one games and were eliminated from the KNVB Cup at home by amateur club SV Spakenburg. During the season, Gronigan's director of football, Mark-Jan Fledderus, was sacked and two board members stepped down amid accusations of fraud. CEO Woulter Gudde concluded that the squad was 'unfit, unbalanced and lacked quality and personality.' Heracles Almelo and PEC Zwolle were promoted to the Eredivisie.
The Serie A title returned to Campania with Società Sportiva Calcio Napoli winning their first championship since 1990. On 4 May, Napoli secured their third title with five matches to spare, following a draw at Udinese. They will be joined in the Champions League group stages by Lazio, Internazionale and AC Milan. Atalanta and Roma finished fifth and sixth respectively and will play in the Europa League whilst The Shitty Hunchbacks were seventh and qualified for the Conference League play-off round. In January, Juventus had been deducted fifteen points as punishment for alleged capital gain violations. In April, the decision was overturned and Juve were given those points back. However, following a new investigation, Juventus were docked ten points in May. Torino and Fiorentina ended the season outside of the European places. Sampdoria and Cremonese both suffered relegation to Serie B whilst the third relegation place went to the final weekend of the season with Hellas Verona and Spezia both tied on thirty one points. The two will play-off on 11 June to decide who goes down. Frosinone and Genoa gained promotion from Serie B whilst the third promoted side will be settled by the play-offs involving such teams as Bari, Parma, Cagliari and Fußball Club Südtirol. Inter beat Fiorentina in the final of the Coppa Italia.
Defending champions Paris Saint-Germain successfully retained the Ligue Un title - a record-breaking eleventh - following a draw with Strasbourg on the penultimate match day although their party was somewhat spoiled on the final day of the season when, two-nil up to Clermont Foot they conspired to concede three late goals. The game was played in a poisonous atmosphere inside the Parc des Princes due to the pre-match announcement that Lionel Messi would be leaving the club with immediate effect. Runners-up Lens and third placed Olympique Marseille join PSG in the Champions League whilst fourth placed Lille and Coupe De France winners Toulouse will play in the Europe League. The qualification place for the Europa Conference League went to the final day of the season on 3 June with Stade Rennais and AS Monaco level on points and Lyon in with a mathematical chance of European football but dependent on the results of others. Rennais two-one victory at Brest secured the return of European football to Brittany. At the bottom, Angers, Ajaccio, Troyes and Auxerre were all relegated to Ligue Deux, replaced by Le Havre and Metz. Nantes narrowly avoided relegation thanks to a final day win against Angers whilst Auxerre were losing at home to Lens. Only two clubs were promoted from the second tier as the number of clubs in Ligue Un has been reduced from twenty to eighteen. Bordeaux, Bastia, Caen and Saint-Étienne were amongst those to miss out on promotion (Saint-Étienne were deducted three points as punishment for the pitch invasion during their relegation play-off the previous season). Dijon Football Côte d'Or, Nîmes Olympique and Chamois Niortais were relegated to Le Championnat National.
On 14 May, Barcelona were confirmed as La Liga champions with four matches to spare following a four-two victory Espanyol, clinching the club's twenty seventh title and first since 2019 although a tow-one defeat to Celtic Vigo in the last game of the season somewhat spoiled the party. Barça won the division by a whopping eleven points over El Clásico rivals and last season's champions, Real Madrid. It was something of a disappointing season for Los Blancos, despite defeating Barça three-one at The Bernabéu; as well as losing the title, they got a right pants-down hiding off Sheikh Yer Man Ciy in The Champions League although they did beat Osasuna in the final of the Copa Del Rey. Also qualifying for next year's Champions League were Atlético Madrid, Real Sociedad and Servilla (as winners of the Europa League). Villarreal and Real Betis will compete in the Europa League and on the final day of the season, Osasuna, Athletic Bilbao, Girona and Rayo Vallecano were all in with a shout of becoming the eighth Spanish side in a European competition next season via the Europa Conference League. Osasuna's two-one victory over Girona enabled the Pamplona side to snatch the Conference League place. Espanyol and Elche were relegated to the Segunda División long before the season's climax but the third relegation place saw a blanket finish in which any one of six clubs could have suffered the drop on the final day. Valladolid's goalless draw with Getafe saw Los Pucelanos finish in the final relegation slot. Unión Deportiva Las Palmas and Granada Club de Fútbol were promoted.
Benfica secured a record thirty eighth Primeira Liga title after beating Santa Clara three-nil on the final day of the Portuguese football season. They finished two points ahead of FC Porto. Both clubs will compete in next season's Champions League. Braga qualified for the Champions League third qualifying round. Sporting Lisbon will play in the Europa League whilst, Arouca and Vitória de Guimarães qualified for the Europa Conferece League. Paços de Ferreira and Santa Clara, both whom had disastrous seasons, were relegated to Liga Portugal 2. Moreirense and Farense won promotion. Porto defeated Braga in the Taça de Portugal on 4 June.
The four qualifiers for the Champions League at the preliminary round are Icelandic champions Breiðablik, Buducnost Podgorica of Montenegro, Andorra's Atlètic Club d'Escaldes and Tre Penne the league winners in San Marino. Two of these will progress to the first qualifying round joining, amongst others Israel's Maccabi Haifa, Sweden's BK Häcken, Bulgaria's Romania Farul Constan?a, Qarabag Baku of Azerbaijan, Hungarian champions Ferencváros, Poland's Raków Czestochowa, Kazakhstan's Astana, Slovan Bratislava representing Slovakia, Slovenia's Olimpija Ljubljana, Moldova's Sheriff Tiraspol, Lithuania's Žalgiris, Bosnia & Herzegovina's Zrinjski Mostar, Finland's HJK, Luxembourg's Swift Hesperange, Latvia's Valmiera, Kosovo's Ballkani, Armenia's Urartu, Albania's Partizani, the Faroe Islands' KÍ, Estonia's Flora, Malta's Hamrun Spartans, Georgia's Dinamo Tbilisi, North Macedonia's Struga and Gibraltar's Lincoln Red Imps. Shakhtyor Soligorsk should have qualified as champions of the Belarusian Premier League but were found extremely guilty of match-fixing by the ABFF and, as a consequence, denied a UEFA license. Runners-up Energetik-BGU Minsk were also found guilty of the same charge. As a result, the Football Federation of Belarus awarded the Champions League spot to BATE Borisov, who finished third in the league. Clubs joining the competition at the second qualifying round stage include Norwegian champions Molde, Danish league winers Copenhagen, Croatia's Dinamo Zagreb, Turkey's Galatasaray, Aris Limassol of Cyprus, Servette the runners-up in the Swiss Super League and Panathinaikos who finished second in the Greek league. The third qualifying round introduces the likes of Greek chamions, AEK Athens, the Czech Republic's Sparta Prague and Sturm Graz who finished second in the Austrian Bundasliga. The play-off round will feature the champions of the Belgian Pro League (Royal Antwerp) and Swiss champions Young Boys of Bern. Anyone who makes it through all of that to the group stages will join Ukranian champions FC Shakhtar Donetsk, Red Star Belgrade of Serbia and Austrian champions FC Red Bull Salzburg along with the qualifiers from England (including, of course, this blogger's beloved Magpies), Spain (including 2023 Europa League winners Servila), German, France, the Netherlands, Portugal and Scotland. On 28 February 2022, all Russian football clubs and national teams were suspended from FIFA and UEFA competitions due to the Russian invasion of Ukraine. The seven teams affiliated with the Liechtenstein Football Association all play in the Swiss league pyramid. The only competition organised by the LFV is the Liechtenstein Football Cup – the winners of which (Fussball Club Vaduz) qualify for the Europa Conference League.
A total of one hundred and seventy seven teams from fifty four of the fity five UEFA member associations (excluding Russia - because no one likes them) will participate in the 2023–24 Europa Conference League. Other qualifiers for the competition besides those already mentioned, include HNK Hajduk Split, Osijek and Rijeka (Croatia), Rapid Wien (Austria), Partizan Belgrade and Vojvodina (Serbia), Dynamo Kyiv (Ukraine), Brann, Bodø/Glimt and Rosenborg (Norway), Nordsjælland (Denmark), Club Brugge and Gent (Belgium), Luzern and Basel (Switzerland), PAOK and Aris (Greece), Viktoria Plzen and Bohemians Praha (Czech Republic), Fenerbahçe and Besiktas (Turkey), Omonia, APOEL and AEK Larnaca (Cyprus), Beitar Jerusalem, Hapoel Be'er Sheva and Maccabi Tel Aviv (Israel), Djurgårdens IF, Hammarby IF and Kalmar FF (Sweden), Ludogorets Razgrad (Bulgaria), Sepsi OSK, FCSB and CFR Cluj (Romania), Gabala, Sabah and Neftçi (Azerbaijan), Zalaegerszeg, Kecskemét and Debrecen (Hungary), Legia Warsaw, Lech Poznan and Pogon Szczecin (Poland), Ordabasy, Tobol and Aktobe (Kazakhstan), Spartak Trnava, DAC Dunajská Streda and Žilina (Slovakia), Celje, Maribor and Domžale (Solvenia), Torpedo-BelAZ Zhodino, Dinamo Minsky and Isloch Minsk (Belarus), Petrocub Hîncești, Zimbru Chișinău and Milsami Orhei (Moldova), Kauno Žalgiris, Panevežys and Hegelmann (Lithuania), Borac Banja Luka, Željeznicar and Sarajevo (Bosnia & Herzegovina), KuPS, Honka and Haka (Finland), Differdange 03, Progrès Niederkorn and F91 Dudelange (Luxembourg), Auda, RFS and Riga (Latvia), Drita and Gjilani (Kosovo), Pyunik, Ararat-Armenia and Alashkert (Armenia), Egnatia, Tirana and Vllaznia (Albania), Víkingur, HB Tórshavn and B36 Tórshavn (the Faroe Islands), Narva Trans, FCI Levadia and Paide Linnameeskond (Estonia), Birkirkara, Gzira United and Balzan (Malta), Torpedo Kutaisi, Dinamo Batumi and Dila Gori (Georgia), Makedonija, Shkupi and Shkëndija (North Macedonia), Vaduz (Liechtenstein), Bruno's Magpies and Europa (Gibraltar), Víkingur Reykjavík and KA (Iceland), Sutjeska and Arsenal Tivat (Montenegro), Inter Club d'Escaldes and FC Santa Coloma (Andorra) and Virtus and Cosmos (San Marino). The first qualifying rounds will take place from 20 June. Yes, a mere couple of weeks and the 2023-24 football season will have begun and the race for Europe starts all over again.
