Condemn The Fault & Not The Actor Of It?

The BBC has officially confirmed this week what many of us already knew, that the upcoming Doctor Who special Legend Of The Sea Devils will be broadcast on Easter Sunday, 17 April. The date had been taken-as-read by many fans for several months, with various online clues and comments from some of those involved in the production indicating that Bank Holiday Sunday would be 'the right fit' for Jodie Whittaker's penultimate adventure.

And, the spectacularly-redesigned Sea Devils themselves do, indeed, look extremely spiffing.

Doctor Who' upcoming special will see The Doctor (that's, err, still Jodie Whittaker - you knew that, right?), Yaz (Mandip Gill) and Dan (Large-Toothed Scouse funster John Bishop) come face-to-face with The Sea Devils who have, apparently, turned to piracy on the South China Sea almost four decades after their last appearance in the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama. If you had any doubt about The Sea Devils' fearsomeness, Mandip revealed to the Radio Times that she suffered a minor injury - very minor, if you were wondering - whilst facing off with the aquatic reptiles in a sword-fighting scene. 'We have this really amazing stunt and they hurt my finger and I can't stop thinking about it!' Mandip said at the Radio Times Covers Party. 'I was like, "I actually hurt my finger because of a Sea Devil." Not many people get to say that.' So, that was what you were 'like' was it, young lady? Does anyone else get really effing irritated with the young people of today and their seeming inability to use the word 'said' in conversations about their personal experiences? This blogger would go so far as to say that he was, like, 'what's all this "I was like, you know and then he was all, like, you know..." stuff and nonsense?' Seriously, dear blog reader, that malarkey really grates this blogger's cheese.

From The North favourite Karen Gillan has spoken about a possible return to the show for Amy Pond. During a WIRED interview, one of the most Googled questions seemed to be 'Will Karen Gillan return to Doctor Who?', which prompted Kazza to offer a reply: 'Never say never. If I was asked, I would be really interested and keen. It would be amazing. I would like to do it with Matt Smith and Arthur Darvill, if I was gonna go back.' During a preceding question she also revealed that, despite her burgeoning movie career, she still 'missed' being part of the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama. 'I was twenty one years old [when I joined], so a baby,' she said. 'That was the big break of my career. I went from not working very much as an actor to being in a very beloved show in the UK and I miss it so much, actually.'

Meanwhile, dear blog reader, here's a particularly excellent image of Kazza her very self. With something hot and throbbing between her thighs.

Gareth Roberts has revealed that he will not be writing for Doctor Who under Russell Davies' forthcoming tenure. When asked by a fan whether we could expect to see another script from him any time soon, Roberts reportedly responded: 'I would rather stick my cock in a blender.' A little bit over-the-top there, Gareth, mate - a simple 'no' would've probably worked just as well. Roberts has previously written a number of episodes for the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama, including The Shakespeare Code and The Unicorn & The Wasp. Both of which this blogger thought were rather good. And, The Lodger and Closing Time. Which, whilst both had their fun moments, broadly speaking this blogger believed weren't - not least because they both featured Bloody James Bloody Corden. In June 2019, it was announced - by the Gruniad Morning Star - if not anyone that actually matters - that Roberts' contribution for a Doctor Who short story collection had been dropped by BBC Publishing due to previous, alleged, 'transphobic' tweets sent by the author, as well as the threat from other writers involved in the project to withdraw their contributions. Roberts responded with a blog post on Medium in which he stated: 'I don't believe in gender identity. It is impossible for a person to change their biological sex.' Ah, The JK Rowling defence. Please, let us all know how that works out. It needs to be noted, however, that Gareth's scathing comments about the - alleged - 'comedy' The Mash Report during 2021 were pretty much in-line with this blogger's own views of the same subject - 'dull, self-satisfied conformity masquerading as daring and revolutionary.' He's not wrong, you know.

The latest issue of The New Statesman - guest edited by From The North favourite Michael Sheen - includes a rather splendid Q&A featuring another From The North favourite, The Godlike Genius Of Neil Gaiman, entitled As Long As There's A TARDIS, All's Right With The World. In it, Neil reveals his earliest memory: 'My grandmother taking me to a bridge in my pushchair to watch the steam trains go by. I was twenty three months old. I also remember her venting, months later, about The Beatles song 'She Loves You' and how their use of the word "yeah" instead of "yes" meant we were now all living in the end times.' And, who his heroes were and, indeed, still were: 'As a boy I loved urbane and unflappable literary characters, such as PG Wodehouse's Rupert Psmith and indomitable heroes on television - Adam West's Batman, Adam Adamant [Lives], Doctor Who and The Monkees. When I was a teenager The Stranglers released 'No More Heroes' around the same time that David Bowie sang '"Heroes"' [they actually came out in the same month]. I listened to them both and thought we are meant to be our own heroes.' As you would expect, the piece is well worth a read, dear blog reader. Although Neil didn't manage to squeeze in a mention for his close personal fiend, Keith Telly Topping anywhere!

Neil also noted, when asked what was the best piece of advice he had ever received: 'Probably when Harlan Ellison told me that if I rub conditioner on my stubble before shaving it will make shaving much easier. Yes, I have followed it. Yes, it works.'

The - small-screen - finale of From The North favourite Peaky Blinders will be broadcast on Sunday and will be an extended (eighty one minute) episode which will, hopefully, set up the themes for the movie adaptation which is to follow. Last week's penultimate episode, meanwhile, got a glowing review from the Gruniad Morning Star, not least for the episode's extensive use of Patti Smith's cover of 'Red Right Hand', recorded specially for the popular period gangster drama.

And, speaking of excellent usage of popular music in BBC dramas, congratulations to another From The North favourite, Killing Eve, whose most recent episode - 'It's Agony & I'm Ravenous' - included the original, French language, version of Vicky Leandros's 'L'Amour Est Bleu', a particular favourite of all of us here at From The North. This blogger, however is somewhat troubled. Because, he always wondered how Vicky, who was Greek, managed to qualify to sing Luxembourg's entry for Eurovision? Twice. Couldn't they find any Luxembourgeoises with a decent voice to represent them those particular years?

On Saturday morning, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping appeared in a telephone interview on BBC Newcastle with this blogger's old mucka and former Afternoon Show oppo, The Godlike Genius That Is Alfie Joey - talking about general telly stuff. Including, the previously mentioned Killing Eve, Peaky Blinders, Legend Of The Sea Devils and Huge Grant not being the next Doctor. Alfie was standing in for another of this blogger's old BBC Newcastle colleagues, Simon Logan and rang up this blogger somewhat out of the blue to ask if Keith Telly Topping fancied appearing on the shiow for - as this blogger noted - the first time since New Year's Eve 2021. Here is the Listen Again link on Baby Sea Clowns - available for just the next thirty days. This blogger appears from one hour thirteen minutes and fifty seconds into the show - immediately after The Shires - and the piece lasts for approximately fifteen minutes. It's quite a fun chat between two old fiends who must get together for a coffee at some stage soon; although, admittedly, this blogger's voice is rather odd - he does sound uncannily like Dale Winton at his campest at various points.

Danny Boyle's eagerly awaited Sex Pistols TV series, Pistol, will reportedly premiere in the UK on Disney+ on Tuesday 31 May. The six-part series is based on Steve Jones' acclaimed 2018 memoir Lonely Boy: Tales From A Sex Pistol and was filmed in London last year. In August, John Lydon extremely lost a High Court battle to stop The Sex Pistols' music from being used in the drama. As the man once said, 'what a fuckin' rotter!' Pistol stars Toby Wallace as Jones, Anson Boon as Johnny Rotten, Louis Partridge as Sid Vicious and Jacob Slater as Paul Cook. Other cast members include The Queen's Gambit and Game Of Thrones actor Thomas-Brodie Sangster as Malcolm McLaren, Westworld's Tallulah Riley as Vivienne Westwood, Christian Lees as Glen Matlock and Iris Law makes her screen debut as Soo Catwoman. Dylan Llewellyn plays Wally Nightingale, Sydney Chandler appears as Chrissie Hynde, Emma Appleton has been cast as Nancy Spungen and From The North favourite Maisie Williams plays Jordan Mooney.

Laura Kuenssberg - comfortable hate figure for Middle Class hippy Communist Corbynites everywhere - is to replace Andrew Marr as the host of the BBC's flagship Sunday morning politics show. The journalist is taking over the role after announcing her decision to step down as the BBC's political editor last December. The BBC said that she would join the new-look Sunday morning show in September. It comes months after her headline-grabbing interview with Boris Johnson's former chief adviser Dominic Cummings. 'I couldn't be more delighted,' Laura said in a statement. 'For decades Sunday morning has been the moment to explore the events that shape us and to challenge and listen to our politicians. It's an honour to take the chair for that conversation in the 2020s.' Interim director of BBC News Jonathan Munro said: 'Laura's the perfect host for our flagship weekend politics show - she's an engaging presenter and a razor-sharp political interviewer and she knows exactly which questions audiences want answered.' Well, except for Middle Class hippy Communist Corbynites, obviously. Other names thought to have been in the running for the high-profile job included BBC News presenter Sophie Raworth, who has presented an interim replacement programme since Marr's departure. Woman's Hour host Emma Barnett and Today programme presenter Mishal Husain were also said to be in contention. Albeit, 'said to be in the running' by people who, clearly, didn't have a frigging clue what they were talking about and were simply, you know, guessing. A bit like all that 'Hugh Grant is going to be the next Doctor. Or, maybe not' bollocks we spoke about - at length - during the last blog update. Marr quit the show which bore his name last year, claiming that he wanted to get his 'own voice back.' He has since become chief political commentator at The New Statesman and taken on presenting roles at LBC and Classic FM; so, it seemed to getting his own voice back involved making a ton of cash moving to the commercial sector. It's very much all the rage at the Beeb these days, all the cool kids are doing it. Kuenssberg took over from Nick Robinson as the BBC's political editor in 2015, becoming the first woman to hold the position. Her tenure has encompassed a tumultuous period in British politics, which included the Scottish Independence Referendum, Brexit, two UK general erections and the Covid-19 pandemic. Her last assignment as political editor will be covering the local erections in May. A successor has yet to be revealed, but an announcement is expected in the coming weeks. The Sunday morning politics show is a staple of British political discourse. Marr hosted it for sixteen years, taking over from Sir David Frost, who was presenter from 1993 to 2005.

It's A Sin is leading the charge for this year's BAFTA TV Awards, with eleven nominations. Big Rusty's Channel Four drama, about a group of gay friends during the 1980s AIDs crisis, is up for categories including best mini-series plus five acting awards. Olly Alexander is nominated for best actor, Lydia West for best actress and Omari Douglas, Callum Scott Howells and David Carlyle all for best supporting actor. Other shows with multiple nominations include Time, Help and Sex Education. The nominations for the Must-See Moment, the only accolade to be voted for by the public, were announced last week. They include Rose and Giovanni's silent dance on Strictly Come Dancing, Adele's reunion with her former teacher on An Audience With Adele and Ant And/Or Dec's sarky dig at Downing Street's lockdown parties on I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want). Strictly Come Dancing and the recently cancelled Ant And/Or Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway will do battle in the best entertainment programme category alongside last year's winner Life & Rhymes and An Audience With Adele. The late comedian Sean Lock is nominated for best entertainment performance for Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown, alongside Alison Hammond, Big Zuu, Graham Norton, Joe Lycett and Michael McIntyre. Lycett also fronts The Great British Sewing Bee, which was nominated in the 'features' category. Also in the running for the comedy entertainment award is The Lateish Show With Mo Gilligan. Holby City has been nominated for best soap/continuing drama, just a day after the long-running BBC medical drama broadcast its final episode. It is up against sister soap Casualty, along with Coronation Street and Emmerdale. Two thirds of the nominees in the performance categories have not been nominated before, as BAFTA organisers bid to support new talent. Best actress nominee West has stiff competition from Kate Winslet, who has received her first TV BAFTA nomination for Mare Of Easttown, plus Denise Gough and Emily Watson for ITV's Too Close, Jodie Comer for Channel Four's Help and Niamh Algar for Deceit. Alongside Alexander in the leading actor category is David Thewlis for Sky's dark comic crime drama Landscapers, which was the second most-nominated programme with seven. However, they do not include an acting nomination for Olivia Colman, who played Thewlis's wife. Also in the running are Hugh Quarshie for ITV's Stephen, Samuel Adewunmi for BBC's You Don't Know Me, Sean Bean for Time and Stephen Graham for Help. The latter, written by Jack Thorne, is about a carer (Comer) who bonds with a patient (Graham) as the care home residents and staff face the challenges of the pandemic. The critically-acclaimed drama received six nominations in total, as did Jimmy McGovern's terminally miserable prison drama Time, which earned Graham his second nomination of the year for best supporting actor. Channel Four's groundbreaking music comedy We Are Lady Parts also received six nominations, while Netflix's Sex Education had five. The BAFTA nominations also include technical categories. Those prizes will be awarded at the BAFTA Craft awards on 24 April. BBC drama A Very British Scandal scored four nominations including costume design and make-up and hair design, but there was no acting recognition for its stars Claire Foy and Paul Bettany. The final series of Line Of Duty was nominated for three craft prizes, but there were no acting nominations for the cast or for creator Jed Mercurio despite the show being, by a considerable distance, the most-watched TV drama of last year. Love Island also missed out in the reality and constructed factual category. Channel Four shows Gogglebox and Dog House will go head-to-head alongside E4's Married At First Sight UK and BBC3's RuPaul's Drag Race UK. The best drama series nominees are In My Skin, ITV's Manhunt: The Night Stalker and Unforgotten and BBC's Vigil. In the hotly-contested best international category, Succession will take on Call My Agent, Squid Game, Lupin, Mare Of Easttown and The Underground Railroad.

The words of Ukrainian refugees and a performance by the country's 2016 Eurovision-winning singer provided the, if you will, 'highlights' as a televised concert in Birmingham in aid of Ukraine raised over twelve million smackers. Ed Sheeran, Camila Cabello and Emeli Sande were among the artists performing at Concert For Ukraine. As if those poor people haven't suffered enough already.

Russian President Vlad The Small is being 'misled' by advisers who are 'too scared' to tell him how badly the war in Ukraine is going, The White House has claimed. This may also explain, they added, Vlad's apparent inability to grasp just how many people know about his teeny-weeny-sized dong. Meanwhile, British intelligence says Russian troops in Ukraine are demoralised, short of equipment and refusing to carry out orders. Vlad The Small is also not being told about the full impact of sanctions on the Russian economy, The White House added. Nor that, as his mother seemingly never told him, it's not size that's important but what you do with it that counts. The Kremlin whinged the US had a 'total misunderstanding' of the situation and that, actually, Vlad The Small's willy is, actually, bloody enormous.

The chair of the BBC has suggested the public may overstate their appetite for impartial news, in the same way that 'ninety nine per cent of people say they wash their hands after going to the loo.' Richard Sharp said his organisation is 'facing the joint challenges' of stopping audiences drifting away to more partisan news outlets whilst, at the same time, warning that the BBC's ability to provide accurate information is under threat because of funding cuts. 'Impartial news may be too unprofitable to do properly,' Sharp said at a panel event organised by the Social Market Foundation thinktank, suggesting this will lead commercial news organisations to increasingly seek more partisan stances. He said the reality of what people actually click on or watch increasingly leans towards provocative and sensational content, making it harder for the BBC to judge whether its output is connecting with audiences. 'Around nine out of ten adults say that impartial news is more important than coverage that reflects their point of view. But we also have to bear in mind, whether apocryphal or not, that ninety nine per cent of people say they wash their hands after going to the loo.' Asked whether the corporation is able to afford the costs of meeting the expected standards of its news output, Sharp added: 'It's a real challenge, you need research capabilities and we've had to cut back some of the resources available. Which is why I disagree with the government on the licence fee - it's damaging to the BBC, there's no doubt it'll have an effect.' Further cuts to BBC services are expected to be announced in May, with executives currently working out what needs to be cut in the wake of the government's latest below-inflation licence fee deal. This follows more than a decade of staff redundancies and internal reorganisations caused by repeated cuts to the fee. Sharp said he believed there was a gap in the market for the BBC's type of journalism as commercial news organisations become increasingly polarised, although the risk is that audiences drift away to more partisan, scummishly right-wing outlets such as Billionaire Tyrant Rupert Murdoch's forthcoming talkTV. Sharp cited a conversation with an - unnamed - individual at a British financial newspaper (so, that's be the Financial Times, then) who said seventy per cent of their online stories were not read by anyone. As a result, he is placing faith in incoming BBC news boss Deborah Turness to 'weaponise impartiality' and make it the corporation's selling point to audiences. Her arrival has been repeatedly delayed while her current employer - ITN - continues to make her serve out her notice period. He highlighted the success of viral explainers by the BBC's Ros Atkins and suggested they might point towards 'a commercial opportunity for the BBC globally.' He also said the corporation was impartial when it came to coverage of the war in Ukraine: 'It's about truth. Our value to Russians and Ukrainians is to report the truth, no matter how inconvenient that may be.'

Noel Clarke will not face a criminal investigation over sexual offence allegations, police have said. The Metropolitan Police claimed there is not enough evidence against him. Which will, one presumes, come as a considerable surprise to lots of people at the Gruniad Morning Star. And, really pissed off many women's rights activists. In 2021, the Gruniad published allegations of misconduct from twenty women who had previously worked with Clarke. The incidents included complaints of groping and sexual misconduct between 2004 and 2019. Clark has denied all the allegations. The Met has released a statement saying 'special' detectives had carried out a 'thorough assessment' of the claims, but 'determined the information would not meet the threshold for a criminal investigation.' Exactly what was so special about these 'special' detectives and how, if they're so special, they'd couldn't scrap up enough evidence to at least present to a court, The Met did not reveal.

The sixtieth anniversary of The Rolling Stones (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s, et cetera, you might've heard of them) will be marked by four new BBC documentaries telling the band's story from the perspectives of different members. The future rock and/or roll legends first performed on 12 July 1962 at London's Marquee Club. New interviews will feature in separate hour-long documentaries focusing on Sir Mick The Jag, Saint Keef Richards and Rockin' Ronnie Wood. There will also be a similar film using archive interviews with - and tributes to - the late Charlie Watts. The equally late Brian Jones, Bill Wyman and Mick Taylor all get nowt, seemingly. As well as the four-part series - titled My Life As A Rolling Stone - the BBC season will include a Radio 2 documentary, Rolling With The Stones, featuring rare interviews and performances.

When they made the - shocking (and stunning) - announcement that their flagship film review show on BBC 5Live was to end, there was an outpouring of grief and a great wailing and gnashing of teeth all across the land (and far beyond). Nevertheless, both From The North favourite Mark Kermode and From The North favourite Simon Mayo were keen to stress that 'it'll be all right in the end. And, if it's not all right, then it's not the end.' Or, in other words, as they made very clear on the following week's episode, that they were simply moving location (probably to the commercial sector - remember, all the cool kids are doing it) rather than jacking it in altogether. And so, on Friday 1 April, after twenty one years of presenting their flagship format on the Beeb, the final episode of Kermode & Mayo's Film Review was broadcast. It featured everything you'd expect from The Church Of Wittertainment; loads of 'Hello To' Jason Isaacs (hot-foot from Toronto); one of yer man Kermode's trademark spectacular eye-popping rants (concerning the truly wretched-sounding Morbius); one of Simon's usual perceptive and well-handled interviewed (with Daniel Radcliffe and Sandra Bullock ... and no Naomi Watts); some listener-requested 'greatest hits'; much good humour; DVD Of The Week and, after the climax (Mark got the final words - 'boom-tish', which seems utterly fitting), a brand new podcast was announced, titled Kermode & Mayo's Take. And, Simon, reportedly, had his BBC security pass cancelled by an over-zealous jobsworth before he'd even left the building. Shameful. The duo shared a clip of themselves of Twitter - drowned-out by birdsong but, nevertheless - directing listeners to the new podcast's new official website. Bookmark it, instantly, dear blog reader. This blogger has. They are now having a few weeks off and will return with the new podcast on 5 May. 'As well as the film and TV reviews, Mark and Simon will be talking about anything and everything,' suggests the website. So, no change there, then? 'Punctuation, Thunderbirds, obscure German pop music, fax machines, subtitles, MRI scans, magic, school assemblies, Scandinavia and don't forget the dad jokes.' Which suggests that DVD Of The Week, at least, will be continuing. But what about many listeners' favourite slot (much to Kermode's chagrin), WTF? Can it really be gone? Yeah, looks like it! The new show will be produced in partnership with Sony Music Entertainment's Global Podcast Division. It will, reportedly, be released twice weekly and will focus on theatrical, streaming and physical film releases, as well as 'high-level global television in the UK and US.' Oh, the dramatic irony - Mark, you may recall, was a man who, until a few years ago claimed that he watched hardly any TV (except for Doctor Who and UFO). Anyway, this blogger - a fan of the duo since they first worked together of Radio 1 back in the 1990s - would like to, sincerely, thank Mark and Simon for making his life slightly more bearable for the last twenty one years and to celebrate that our - long-distance - relationship is set to continue. See, dear blog reader, it's not all crap news in the world at the moment. Just, mostly.

Moving on, to more domestic matters. For us Sunday luncheon at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, Keith Telly Topping had some homemade beef curry with garlic bread and basmati rice. Monumental, so it was, in its geet lushness dear blog readers. Goes without saying, really.

On Monday, as previously mentioned, this blogger was required to leave the safety and comfort of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House and travel (by bus) to Waaker Medical Centre for the first of three consecutive days of being medically pricked and prodded (and squirted in the eyes with vile stingy stuff on the Wednesday into the bargain). Monday, as it happens, was the easy part of the three (relatively speaking), a simple consultation with the - ever excellent - Doctor Nasir to get some updates on his current health status, have a right good whinge about still feeling tired, fatigued and well-grotty all the sodding time - and to get another 'Fit Note' for the following four week. Doctor Nasir was, as always, pure dead lovely and this blogger even got to thank him, this time in person, for sending Keith Telly Topping forthwith to hospital when he did. As this blogger has said in the past, if it has been left up to his very self, he'd probably be either very seriously ill or, indeed, being fitted up for a wooden overcoat by now. Thence, of course, it was straight back to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House because this blogger was feeling even more tired and fatigued than usual. That's what leaving home when you're supposed to be resting can do to you dear blog reader. This blogger's advice, for what it's worth, is to avoid the temptation to leave home, wherever possible.

The hospital out-patients visit on Tuesday went fine - this blogger met Doctor Sarah again whom he had previously seen when he was incarcerated in the gaff last month. We had a chat about those symptoms which this blogger has that are continuing to affect him (the fatigue, mainly and, also, things like the numbness of the extremities and a faster-than-usual heart-rate) and those which have somewhat lessened (notably this blogger's suppressed appetite). Keith Telly Topping then got weighed and found he was seven pounds up on the last time this had been done - when he'd only just come out of hospital as was at his lowest point in terms of the suppressed appetite. This being the first occasion in his life that this blogger has been happy to have put on a bit of weight! Several vials of blood were then taken (six, to be precise). Keith Telly Topping, of course, promptly did the full Hancock's Half Hour routine ('that's very nearly an armful!') followed by this blogger continuing in the classic British TV sitcom vein and, given that he is now anaemic, turning briefly into John Le Mesurier ('are you sure that's wise?') Anyway, Doctor Sarah confirmed that pernicious anaemia can take several month's worth of treatment (if not, indeed, longer) before any obvious improvement is noticed by the patient and a further out-patients appointment was arranged for approximately two months time.

And this, dear blog readers, very nearly was an armful.

Thankfully, the injection to remove all of that hyper-anaemic blood knacked somewhat less than the series of several B-12 shots which this blogger had recently (mainly, Doctor Sarah helpfully explained, because the needle went into a vein this time rather than directly into muscle).

Leaving the hospital, because this blogger hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast, he limped down to the very excellent Little Asia on Stowell Street for a rather lush luncheon three-courser. Which was jolly nice. Even though this blogger was utterly exhausted and in serious need of a lie down, he had to break his journey home and call into Morrisons for milk, bread and cereal. Then, finally, it was back to the Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House for a - very well-deserved and much-needed - rest. It looks like this is Keith Telly Topping's life for the next few months, dear blog reader. This blogger will have to get used to that.

Ah, the Little Asia. The trip took this blogger back to happier times, when it used to be called The Mandarin and this blogger dined there, fairly regularly, with various fiends and family. Still, the change of name has done nowt to spoil the contents of the menu. Which remain pure dead lush.

This blogger's three-courser, incidentally, consisted of, firstly, chicken and sweetcorn soup with prawn crackers.

Then,  spare ribs in a really tasty (and rather tangy) Cantonese sweet-and-sour sauce.

And, for the main course, for once something not-even-remotely-prawny but, instead, beef curry with egg fried rice (and, a very welcome glass of refreshing iced-water).

All of which, of course, this blogger really deserved. As if there was ever any doubt about such shenanigans.

This blogger has, already, made some tentative arrangements with his good fiend, Young Malcolm, for a return visit to The Joint in a few weeks time. When, hopefully, this blogger will be feeling a bit less tired and shagged-out.

Then, there was Wednesday and this blogger's annual diabetes eye-test. Well, that was absolutely terrible, Nurse Wendy being very nice and chatty and acknowledging the unpleasantness of the nasty stingy stuff going in this blogger's eyes to dilate the pupils notwithstanding. Viddy well, malchicks and devotchkas. This blogger couldn't viddy well at the time on account of his glazzies having been well-squirted with the nasty stingy stuff. Horrorshow.

The good news is that this blogger's eyes still appear to be okay. Not that he could see anything out of them for the next several hours to confirm this. The bad news was trying to do the Metro crossword on the way back to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House with both this blogger's pupils well-and-truly resembling one of the late David Bowie's (you know which one) and every time someone walked past him on the bus, vapour trails coming off them. Plus, the clue to twenty five down was 'in poor health, weak.' This blogger tried putting in 'Keith Telly Topping' as an answer but it was only five letters (it was 'frail' if you're wondering).

The Metroscope for Scorpio didn't help either. 'As The Moon forges a harmonious aspect with Neptune' [which 'harmonious aspect of Neptune', the Metroscope didn't say. Perhaps it was the one thousand miles per hour winds which whip around the surface of the Ice Giant] 'you'll know what's going through someone's mind.' [Am I effing Derren Brown now, or what?] 'Your sensitivity can kick-in' [not after having my eyes squirted with nasty stingy stuff it bloody well won't] 'and you'll have a better understanding of their motives.' [Like a Middle Class hippy Comminist Gruniad Morning Star reading quiche eater, no doubt.] 'And, if there may be a hint of romance involved, things could take a deeper turn.' Who wrote this utter horsecrap? Oh yes, Patrick Arundell. He gets his money for nowt, dear blog reader. And, he's got considerable form in the spouting bullshit department.

A message to whomsoever was in charge of the weather on Thursday of this week. What the Hell are you playing at? It's almost April, this is supposed to be spring not the depths of winter. Get it sorted, willya?

Now dear blog reader a new, semi-regular, From The North feature, Great Moments In TV History. Number One: 25 May 1990 saw the first appearance of The Man With The Stick on Vic Reeves Big Night Out.

Followed, somewhat inevitably, by the latest From The North Thought For The Day.

Or, alternatively, a special From The North observation on the occasion of Mothering Sunday.

A prisoner who escaped from custody wearing nothing but his underwear and socks is now believed to have changed his appearance. Dorset Police said Kyle Darren Eglington assaulted a security officer in Hardy Road, Poole, on Saturday before making off from a prison van. Searches are continuing and officers believe since absconding he has shaved his head and beard. Plus, unless he's managed to obtain some clothes, he's likely to be somewhat blue in this current chilly weather. The force said he should not be approached.

A man claims he was 'forced' to hack into a domestic Indian airline's website to find his missing luggage. Nandan Kumar called IndiGo - a low-cost carrier - for help, after realising that he had swapped his bag with a co-passenger. But, after IndiGo refused to help him trace the other person, Kumar said he was able to retrieve information about him from the airline website. IndiGo told the BBC that 'at no point was the IndiGo website compromised.' One or two people even believed them. Kumar says he is not 'a professional hacker' - merely an amateur one - but had to 'do something' to retrieve his luggage.

The new Royal Research Ship Sir David Attenborough is proving its capabilities as an icebreaker. On its first outing to the Antarctic, the two hundred million knicker polar vessel - popularly known as Boaty McBoatface - has been smashing through thick frozen floes. A final assessment of its performance is still awaited, but the Attenborough is now very close to being declared a fully serviceable ship for science and logistics at the highest latitudes. The vessel will soon return to the UK. For the moment it continues to work around the White Continent. When it does come back, it will go into a yard for maintenance and upgrades. The Sir David Attenborough went through formal ice trials during a ten-day period in January. The British Antarctic Survey engaged Finnish engineering consultants Aker Arctic to oversee the work. The trials involved pushing the ship through floes at various power levels. The vessel also had to perform a range of manoeuvres, including reversing, turning, as well conducting impact tests at different speeds.

They've nicknamed it Earendel and it is the most distant, single star yet imaged by a telescope. The light from this object has taken 12.9 billion years to reach Earth. It is at the sort of distance that telescopes normally would only be able to resolve galaxies containing millions of stars. But the Hubble space observatory has picked out Earendel individually by exploiting a natural phenomenon that's akin to using a zoom lens. It is called gravitational lensing and it works like this: If there is a great cluster of galaxies in the line of sight, the gravitational pull from this mass of matter will bend and magnify the light of more distant objects behind. Usually, this is just other galaxies, but in this specific case Earendel was in a sweetspot in the lens effect. 'We got lucky. This is really extreme; it's really exciting to find something with such a high magnification,' said Brian Welch, a PhD student from Johns Hopkins University. 'If you happen to hit that right sweetspot, like we have in this case, the magnification can grow up to factors of thousands,' he told BBC News. The previous record-setter was a star called Icarus. Again, captured by Hubble, the light from this star took nine billion years to reach Earth. Earendel is therefore significantly further away. We are seeing it a mere nine hundred million years after The Big Bang, or at a time when the Universe was only six per cent of its current age.

Apparently, dear blog readers, there have been some interesting and significant developments related to the Solar System announced this week. Shocking. And, indeed, stunning.

Moving swiftly on to the subject of social media, this blogger does rather wish that The US Singers (no, me neither) would stop their incessant obfuscating comments and tell us all what they really think about now-extremely-former President Mister Rump.

This blogger also wishes to illustrate, with the following image, that feeling one experiences when, without warning, a hamster suddenly runs up ones trouser leg. It's a dirty job, dear blog reader, but someone's got to do it.

According to an interview in the NME, From The North favourite yer actual Nick Cave has claimed that he gets mixed up with Nic Cage 'all the time.' Apart from the slight similarities in the two names, however, that's rather difficult to believe. They're clearly very different. One of these two men, for instance, is a borderline genius whose words reflect, with chilling accuracy, all of the inherent darkness and catastrophic strangeness in life. The other is some Aussie singer ...

During this particular week in 2006, the former Smiths singer Morrissey released his solo single 'You Have Killed Me'. And, as you can see, he and several members of his - furiously protective - fan club, were really happy with the results.

This blogger is utterly indebted to one of his fine Facebook fiends who reposted the following example of Twitterisationisms. Personally, this blogger has never tried vagina. Anyone out there amongst you dear blog readers know what it tastes like?

Friday of this week saw a bit of excitement in the area, with not one but two fire appliances turning up in the street outside The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. This blogger would, under any normal circumstances, have been cracking jokes at this juncture about someone wanting their chips done a bit more deeply-fried than this blogger traditionally likes them. But, the last time there was a house fire in the area which this blogger mentioned - rather glibly - on a From The North update, it turned out to be a much more serious incident than this blogger had, at first, assumed. So, this time, he's taking no chances in the glibness department.

And now, dear blog reader in this very Oscar week - complete, this year, with punching and aal sorts - a few nominations for the latest From The North Headline Of The Week award. Firstly, Plymouth Man Says He's Been Plagued By Potholes For Six Years. Oh nasty. You want to get some cream on that, mate and then seek advice from your local medical professional. Take it from one who knows, you'll thank this blogger in the long-run.

Secondly, the Banbury Guardian's 'Stop Focusing On Vegetarian Food & Repair The Roads' Says Woman After [A] Bad Fall On Banbury High Street - Letters. 'This accident would not have happened if those Middle Class hippy Communists at the council had stuck to meat as the Lord intended,' presumably?

Thirdly, Devon Live's Tiverton Yobs Are Egging Shops & Spray Painting Willies. You simply don't see anywhere near enough uses of the word 'yobs' in newspaper these days, do you? But, also, it's difficult to work out which of these two examples of anti-social behaviour the complainer, Tiverton Mayor Sue Griggs, is the most upset about. On reflection, it's got to be the willies, hasn't it?

The Coventry Telegraph's majestic Police Capture Swan That Wreaked Havoc For Commuters On Coventry Ring Road is also a good one. It's so nice to see, is it not dear blog reader, a swan reenacting an entire plotline from one of this blogger's favourite movies. 'No luck catching those swans, then?'

The Arlington Catholic Herald quotes Pope Frankie The First in a recent proclamation, stating that 'confession is more about God's forgiveness than our sins.' This blogger always believed it was more about repression, guilt and punishment, much like pretty much everything else in Catholicism.

The Daily Scum Mail's Fitting End For One Of Australia's Worst Paedophiles: How Predator Who Raped Nine Girls As Young As Six & Was Questioned Over A Child's Disappearance Died Alone In Jail - Sitting In His Own Faeces is also worthy of comment. Mostly, the relief one feels that, for once, they didn't feel it necessary to crowbar into the report how much his cell cost him.

Congratulations are considerably due to the Metro's headline writer for managing to get the words 'beat off' into a story about a member of The Fuzz allegedly caught tossing off in public. Bobby On The Beat Off To The Cells After Getting Intimate With Himself In A Park.

And then, dear blog reader, there's this cover of a recent issue pf That's Life magazine. Which is always good for a headline-related laugh.

Of course, none of these fine efforts even come close to matching the following legendary item from the International Herald Tribune, quite possibly the single worst-written news report in the history of journalism. And, let's face it, it's got some serious competition.

Mind you, when it came to Joyce McKinney and the stories about her in the tabloids, even the Gruniad Morning Star's atypically offensive and slapable holier-than-thou sanctimoniousness had some justification. Because, as we have noted so many times in the past, even a broken clock is correct twice a day.

An uninhabited Scottish island where government scientists once conducted experiments with Anthrax has been hit by a fire. A really big fire. People who saw the inferno on Gruinard Island from the mainland described the scene as 'apocalyptic.' They said the uninhabited island off Scotland's North-West coast was ablaze from 'one end to the other' on Saturday evening. The island was used for germ warfare experiments during World War Two. It was declared free of Anthrax by the Ministry of Defence in April 1990. One or two people even believed them.

Forecasters have raised the temperature at which a heatwave is declared in several areas of England. And, summer is now no longer defined as 'four hot days in a row in July and a couple of nice afternoons in August', apparently. The Met Office defines a heatwave as when 'an area experiences daily maximum temperatures meeting or exceeding a certain level for three days in a row.' Eight counties have had these limits raised by the forecaster by 1°C. Announcing the change, experts said that climate data showed 'undeniable warming' in the UK accompanying increasing greenhouse gas emissions. The new limits are: 28°C in Surrey, Berkshire, Buckinghamshire, Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire and Cambridgeshire, 27°C in Lincolnshire, 26°C in the East Riding of Yorkshire and anything slightly above 0°C on Tyneside. What defines a heatwave is linked to historical climate data. The UK has been experiencing rising average temperatures in recent years as a result of global warming. Previous thresholds used data from 1981 to 2010, but the new limits are based on the period between 1991 and 2020, the Met Office said.

There have been few comediennes in theatre and television as good as Denise Coffey, who died this week aged eighty five. She was a key TV presence in British comedy over its most redefining post-war period and to see her on stage - always puckish and delightful - was to invest in two or three hours of an invaluable spiritual tonic. She was a crucial member of the ebullient Young Vic company formed in 1970 under the aegis of the National Theatre at the Old Vic to deliver classics and new plays appealing to a younger audience. She had already, in the 1960s, played a series of roles at Bernard Miles's Mermaid Theatre. She emerged at the Young Vic, under Frank Dunlop's direction, trailing several film credits and a high profile in surreal television comedy - most notably in ITV's Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967 to 1969) - influenced by the radio comedy of The Goon Show and prefiguring Monty Python's Flying Circus. She and David Jason formed the more traditional showbiz element in a company of university wits - Michael Palin, Terry Jones, Eric Idle, the producer Humphrey Barclay and, in the second series, Terry Gilliam - with surreal musical incursions from The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. There followed two popular series on ITV: Girls About Town (1970) in which she and Julie Stevens were living it large in Acacia Avenue and Hold The Front Page (1974), in which Coffey led a bunch of newsroom assistants chasing down a 'Mister Big' involved in a Great Rug Scandal. End Of Part One (1979) was a satirical soap in which Mister and Mrs Straightman (Tony Aitken and Coffey as Norman and Vera) were disrupted in their domestic dullness by the appearance of famous people on television; Coffey herself turned up as Robin Day in those trademark 'cruel' glasses. She was a one-off: under five feet tall, elfin-looking, punchy and eccentric. In her private life, she was determinedly single, vegetarian and finally remote, especially after she discovered the joys of the West Country - she moved from London to Salcombe in Devon - and living by the sea. She was a regular in a couple of Stanley Baxter's TV comedy series in 1968 and 1971 and went wildly over-the-top as the grotesque manager of Alexei Sayle's hopeless nightclub comedian, Bobby Chariot, in Sayle's Merry-Go-Round in 1998.

Denise was born in Aldershot, the only child of Dorothy and her husband, Denis Coffey, from Cork and a squadron leader in the RAF. They moved North to Dorothy's native Scotland, living near Inverkeithing in Fife and, later, in Milesmark, where Denise was educated at Dunfermline high school and trained at the Glasgow College of Drama and the Royal Scottish Academy of Music. She made a professional acting debut at the Opera House, Dunfermline, in 1954, 'as various apparitions' in Macbeth. By 1962, she was playing the star turn, the word-mangling Mrs Malaprop, in Sheridan's The Rivals at The Gateway in Edinburgh and then, in 1963, the insalubrious Mrs Coaxer in a revival of John Gay's The Beggar's Opera for The Royal Shakespeare Company at The Aldwych (alongside Dorothy Tutin, Patience Collier and Elizabeth Spriggs). A West End highlight was playing the maid, Edith, in High Spirits, the Broadway musical version of Blithe Spirit, directed by the author Noël Coward, at The Savoy Theatre in 1964, in a cast that included Denis Quilley, Marti Stevens and Cecily Courtneidge. She had made a television debut in 1959 in a BBC adaptation of Walter Scott's Redgauntlet and consolidated her theatre reputation at The Mermaid in various classics and new plays, notably as nineteen-year-old Fanny O'Dowda in George Bernard Shaw's Fanny's First Play - as a prosecuted suffragist turned feminist playwright and as the non-speaking but occasionally flatulent Cicely Bumtrinket - a favourite role, not even identified in most cast lists - in Thomas Dekker's Elizabethan city comedy The Shoemaker's Holiday. She also featured in several important 1960s films: as Peter Sellers's eccentric daughter Sidonia Fitzjohn (with Prunella Scales as her sister) in John Guillermin's Waltz Of The Toreadors (1962); as Lynn Redgrave's mousy friend, Peg, in Georgy Girl (1966) and as Soberness in John Schlesinger's Far From The Madding Crowd (1967) starring Julie Christie and Alan Bates. On location in Dorset for the last of these, she visited nearby Devon, where she would return to live permanently. But not before her Young Vic stint - as both actor and associate director - in the 1970s, where her company colleagues included Jim Dale, Jane Lapotaire, Andrew Robertson and Nicky Henson. Her roles, all invested with zest and cheek, included Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing, a rare double of Mistress Overdone and Mariana in Measure For Measure and Doll Common in Ben Jonson's The Alchemist. She toured Europe and North America with the company, appearing with them at the Edinburgh festivals of 1967, 1971 and 1972, notably as a harassed Scottish housewife in a Comedy Of Errors relocated from Ephesus to Edinburgh. When her mentor, Dunlop, was appointed director of the festival in 1985, she provided a brilliant Scottish version of Molière's Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme tarring Rikki Fulton as Archibald Jenner, the Nineteenth-Century founder of the famous store, Jenners, on Princes Street; Coffey was Netty, a scrofulous clog-dancing servant. She appeared in a fine, early Film On Four, Michael Radford's Another Time, Another Place (1983). Her work on radio included guest appearances on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue and Just A Minute and two series by Sue Limb: The Wordsmiths Of Gorsemere (1985), a funny send-up of the Lakeland poets, with Coffey herself as Dorothy Wordsmith, Tim Curry as Lord Biro and Simon Callow as Samuel Tailor Cholericke and Alison & Maud (2002), teaming with Miriam Margolyes as a pair of bizarrely eccentric landladies. A 1980 film written by Denise's old friend Viv Stanshall, Sir Henry At Rawlinson End, in which she played a tapeworm-obsessed woman called Mrs E, won cult status. 'It's impossible to do justice,' said the critic Nigel Andrews, 'to the film's arrant and quite unique lunacy.' Her CV also included appearances in Sheep's Clothing, Z Cars, Doctor Finlay's Casebook, Jury Room, The Wednesday Play, Theatre 625, The Ugliest Girl In Town, ITV Playhouse, Hark At Barker, The Dustbinmen, The Rivals Of Sherlock Holmes, Village Hall, The Sooty Show, Love Among The Artists, Dark Towers, Rainbow, Josie, Spatz, The Tomorrow People and Pie In The Sky. And in the films What A Crazy World, The Wild & The Willing, Percy and Saving Grace. In the 1980s, in Canada, she directed plays for John Neville at his Neptune Theatre in Halifax, Nova Scotia and for Christopher Newton at The Shaw Festival in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario. Her output was increasingly sporadic as she happily hunkered down in Salcombe, 'exploring my artistic bent,' fishing in a small boat with a tiny outboard motor, gardening and making rare excursions to London, always travelling by taxi. She is survived by a cousin, Linda.

The Grand Old Duke Of York, dear blog reader, he had seven hundred and fifty thousand quid. But, now he doesn't. The Duke and Duchess Of York (you remember her, she used to make really rotten TV shows until ITV dropped her in the wake of another financial scandal) have both been named in a court case in which a Turkish millionaire is claiming thirty eight million smackers has been 'dishonestly misappropriated' by a business adviser. The High Court in London has heard claims that 'substantial sums' from Nebehat Isbilen were paid to Prince Andrew and his ex-wife. It is reportedly 'understood' that seven hundred and fifty thousand knicker has been repaid by the prince to Mrs Isbilen. The business adviser, Selman Turk, has rejected the allegations. The complex court case involves claims brought by seventy seven-year-old Mrs Isbilen that her business adviser, Turk, misused her funds. Court documents show that among the expenditure and investments being questioned were payments to Prince Andrew and Sarah, the - former - Duchess Of York. According to the court papers, Mrs Isbilen claims Turk advised her to make a 'gift' of seven hundred and fifty grand to Prince Andrew - because, of course, he hasn't got enough to live on from all the money he used to annually receive from the British taxpayer - which, it is claimed, she was misled into thinking was for 'assistance with her passport.' This amount was transferred from her account in November 2019. 'The representation that Mrs Isbilen needed to make a gift to The [Grand Old] Duke Of York [he had seven hundred and fifty thousand quid] in connection with her passport (or for any other purpose) was false,' suggests her legal team in their claim of dishonesty against Turk. Representatives of Prince Andrew have 'not commented' on the ongoing court case. But, the BBC News website 'understands' that the prince was 'not aware' of any arrangements between Mrs Isbilen and Turk. The discovery of payments to Prince Andrew emerged after a court order allowed a search of Turk's financial dealings, as Mrs Isbilen's lawyers tried to establish the whereabouts of her assets. Jonathan Tickner, Mrs Isbilen's lawyer, claimed that she had been 'the victim of serious fraud and financial wrongdoing' and was 'determined to pursue her claim against all those involved.' Court documents show that Turk has 'disputed the allegations' and 'disagrees with her understanding of how her assets have been handled.' Turk had also been a winner of an award at the Pitch at the Palace business initiative, headed by Prince Andrew. Although, obviously, there is no suggestion whatsoever of any impropriety involved there. oh no, very hot water.

A US judge has upheld Ghislaine Maxwell's sex trafficking conviction, denying her bid for a new trial. Convicted sex offender Maxwell had whinged that one of the jurors falsely stated before the trial that he had never been sexually abused. Her lawyers argued the fact that the juror had been abused in the past meant he 'could not be impartial.' Maxwell was exrtemely convicted in December last year of trafficking girls for the late American financier Jeffrey Epstein. She faces up to sixty five years in The Joint for her naughty trafficking ways, but maintains her innocence. Epstein killed himself in prison in 2019 while awaiting trial on sex trafficking charges. The juror in question was earlier given immunity from prosecution. He had asked to be identified by his first and middle names, Scotty David. When asked why he failed to disclose his past in the jury questionnaire when explicitly asked, he said it was an 'inadvertent mistake. This is one of the biggest mistakes I have made in my life,' he added, saying he 'flew through' the document and was 'super-distracted' by everything going on around him in the jury room. On Friday, US Circuit Judge Alison Nathan said that the juror had 'testified truthfully' at a hearing in March over Maxwell's bid for a retrial. 'His failure to disclose his prior sexual abuse during the jury selection process was highly unfortunate, but not deliberate,' the judge said. 'The court further concludes that Juror Fifty harboured no bias toward the defendant and could serve as a fair and impartial juror.'

Now extremely former President Mister Rump will, reportedly, speak under oath after the singer Eddy Grant agreed to extend the 'discovery' phase of a lawsuit against the former US president. Grant, whose song 'Electric Avenue' was used by Rump during his 2020 campaign, had filed the copyright infringement lawsuit in September 2020. Rump failed to get the case dismissed last year and both sides had been trying to reach an agreement in the discovery phase of the lawsuit. According to a letter obtained by Business Insider on Wednesday however, that effort had failed and the case looked set to head toward the recording of depositions. It means Rump will be expected to sit for a deposition involving his own lawyers and those for Grant if both sides fail to come to a settlement before 21 June. In a letter to a New York judge, Grant's lawyer wrote that 'with consent from defendants Donald J Trump and Donald J Trump for President, Inc' they were writing 'to request a sixty-day extension for the parties to complete discovery.' Although exchange of documents had been completed, the letter explained, 'additional time is needed to schedule and take the depositions of both parties,' that will be taken under oath and used in court if the lawsuit eventually reaches trial. While the case could still be settled without Rump going to trial and standing in a dock to answer the charges, a judge has already ruled against his claims of fair use and presidential immunity in his use of the 'Electric Avenue' hit - one of Eddy's finest. Despite many attempts, Rump has so far sat for only one deposition under oath once since becoming President in 2017, which according to Business Insider was for a case in which security guards for Rump Tower were accused of assaulting four New York residents of Mexican heritage. Eddy is, reportedly, seeking three hundred thousand bucks in damages and claims copyright infringement and alleged in his lawsuit in 2020 that Rump's video featuring his song had been viewed 'more than 13.7 million times; the tweet containing the video had been "liked" more than three hundred and fifty thousand times, re-tweeted more than one hundred and thirty nine thousand times and had received nearly fifty thousand comments' in a month. Mostly saying 'bangin' tune, Ed!' Whether Eddy's first reaction on discovering that his classic 1982 song has been used by the odious Rump without his permission was an exclamation of 'Oi!' is not, at this time known. Though if the case comes to court, we will, hopefully, find out. We will also, probably, discover at that stage why Rump chose to use that particular song and not another of Eddy's finest, 'Police On My Back'.

Britain's likely next Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has claimed he finds it 'very upsetting' that his wife has faced criticism over shares she owns in a tech company which - up until this week - was operating in Russia. The chancellor compared his feelings to those of Will Smith, whose own wife was mocked at the Oscars. But, he added: 'At least I didn't get up and slap anybody, which is good.' Sunak's wife Akshata Murty owns shares thought to be worth more than four hundred million knicker in Indian firm Infosys, founded by her father, Narayana. The chancellor has himself come in for several days of criticism over last week's Spring Statement, which opposition parties say did too little to address the spiralling cost of living. Labour and the Lib Dems have said Sunak has questions to answer about whether his family benefits from the shareholding at a time when he is calling for UK businesses to divest from Russia. And whether, because of this, he is vile and odious scumbag hypocrite.

England could face The Scotch or Wales at the World Cup in Qatar after the draw for the tournament's finals was made on Friday. One of Wales, Scotland or Ukraine will go into Group B after the remaining European play-off path is completed. Iran and the USA have also been drawn in England's group. The World Cup takes place between 21 November and 18 December, with Senegal playing the Netherlands in the tournament's opening game. England's first fixture, taking place later on the same day, sees them take on Iran. The two sides have never met in a senior competitive international. The game will take place eight days after the Premier League begins a six-week break. Reigning champions France are in Group D while Brazil, who returned to number one in the FIFA rankings in March, are in Group G. Wales, seeking to reach their first World Cup since 1958, will have to overcome the winners of Scotland and Ukraine in the play-off final in June. However, that game - which had been scheduled to take place on 24 March at Hampden - was postponed because of Russia's invasion of Ukraine. The full draw is: Group A: Qatar, Ecuador, Senegal, Netherlands. Group B: England, Iran, USA, Wales or Scotland or Ukraine. Group C: Argentina, Saudi Arabia, Mexico, Poland. Group D: France, UAE or Australia or Peru, Denmark, Tunisia. Group E: Spain, Costa Rica or New Zealand, Germany, Japan. Group F: Belgium, Canada, Morocco, Croatia. Group G: Brazil, Serbia, Switzerland, Cameroon. Group H: Portugal, Ghana, Uruguay, South Korea. After playing Iran on 21 November, England face the USA on 25 November before finishing their Group B campaign on 29 November against one of Scotland, Wales or Ukraine. The winner of the remaining European play-off will open their World Cup campaign against the USA on the first day of the tournament. Should Scotland progress they will play England at a World Cup finals for the first time. The two sides met at last summer's Euro 2020 tournament with the game ending goalless. Wales and England have never met at a World Cup finals either (hardly surprising since Wales have only ever made the final stages once). England won two-one when the sides met in the group stage at Euro 2016. 'We've got to get out of the group,' said England manager Gareth Southgate. 'Out first objective is to get out of the group and then we build from there. When you're seeded you get the advantage of missing out on those big six or seven teams. Most of the first seeds would be pleased with the group they get. The USA are an interesting one. They've got some very good players and we know what they could be capable of, so that one in particular is an intriguing one.' The winner of England's group could meet world champions France in the quarter-finals. Topping - or, indeed, Telly Topping - Group B means a last-sixteen game with the runners-up in Group A, which contains the Netherlands, Ecuador, Senegal and hosts Qatar. Should France top Group D they will face the runners-up in Group C. Group E sees former world champions Spain and Germany drawn together. They will meet in their second group game on 27 November. The highly-fancied Belgians are in Group F alongside 2018 runners-up Croatia. Cristiano Ronaldo's Portugal are in Group H, which also sees Ghana and Uruguay meet in a rematch of the controversial 2010 World Cup Quarter-Final tie. In that game, Luis Suarez handled on the line to deny the Ghanaians a winner in the last minute of extra time. The United States will call on history - they beat England in the 1950 World Cup and drew in South Africa in 2010 - but reality insists they will be huge underdogs, even if they have a very respectable FIFA ranking of fifteenth. Usually all the teams would be known before the World Cup draw but this year three positions are yet to be decided. Russia's invasion of Ukraine has delayed the European play-off, while the coronavirus pandemic accounts for the other delays. Two intercontinental finals will be played in Qatar on 13 and 14 June. Costa Rica and New Zealand meet in one and, in the other, Peru will play the winner of the United Arab Emirates and Australia, who meet in the Asian play-off in Doha on 7 June. Those games were moved from March because of knock-on effects of the pandemic in each continent. All the Oceania qualifiers were played from 17-30 March in a mini-tournament in Qatar. European champions Italy are the most notable absentees after their play-off defeat by North Macedonia, though they did also miss out on the last World Cup. Russia also miss out after being disqualified from the play-offs following their country's invasion of Ukraine (and, the fact that their President has a very tiny member). Norway failed to qualify, meaning Borussia Dortmund's Erling Braut Haaland will have to wait for his major tournament debut. Mohamed Salah and Egypt will not be there either after losing to Senegal on penalties. Nigeria, Algeria and Côte d'Ivoire are also missing from Africa, while South American World Cup regulars Colombia and Chile also failed to qualify. And, there was also no place in the finals for The Federated States of Micronesia. Which is a shame. Meanwhile, the secretary general of the 2022 Qatar World Cup jas claimed, wrongly, that criticism by players and managers has been 'ill-informed' and the nation 'should not be apologetic' about hosting the tournament. Which no one has, this blogger believes, ever said that it should. On the other hand it should be apologetic over its disgraceful human rights record and treatment of gay people. Qatar has strict anti-LGBTIQ+ laws, while there are also concerns over the treatment of migrant workers (an unconfirmed number of who are said to have died during the construction of stadiums for the forthcoming tournament). 'Some people have made statements that in my opinion were ill-informed,' Hassan Al-Thawadi told BBC Sport's editor Dan Roan. Al-Thawadi added: 'We should not be apologetic over our ambitions to host this tournament because we are football loving region. We are football crazy and football mad like anywhere else. We have the legitimate ambition to showcase our region to the rest of the world and to change people's perception of who we are.' Homosexuality is illegal in Qatar and human rights organisation Amnesty International say women and LGBTIQ+ people 'continue to face discrimination in law and practice.' England manager Gareth Southgate has said it would be 'a great shame' that some fans will feel they cannot attend the World Cup because of concerns over their own safety, while captain Harry Kane said he wants to 'shine a light' on the issues surrounding the Qatar tournament. Netherlands manager Louis van Gaal has suggested holding the event in the Middle Eastern country was 'about money' and 'commercial interests.' No shit, Sherlock. On how Qatar's laws can be reconciled with football's focus on inclusivity and anti-discrimination, Al-Thawadi claimed, unconvincingly: 'We have always said everybody is welcome. What we will ensure is everybody will be safe. Everybody will feel secure. [We are] inviting the world to come to visit Qatar, to visit the Arab world, and to understand again, for us, we're a relatively conservative country, which means public display of affection is something that is not within our culture. But hospitality and welcoming people from different parts of the world into our country is part of our culture.' He added: 'We've done this over the last few years and we have people from different walks of life who have made a home for themselves in Qatar. I think the nature of these tournaments is it allows people from different walks of life to be able to experience and understand different cultures.' A report in the Gruniad Morning Star in February 2021 claimed that over six thousand migrant workers have died in the country since the World Cup was awarded in 2010. Qatar 2022 dispute these figures but have not commented publicly on them, while the Qatar government said in a statement: 'The mortality rate among these communities is within the expected range for the size and demographics of the population.' Asked if the 2022 tournament was sportswashing, Al-Thawadi said 'that could not be further from the truth.' One or two people even believed him. 

So, that's yer whack for another From The North bloggerisationisms update, dear blog reader. Join us again next time - all the groovy fekkers are doing so.