In the last From The North bloggerisationisms update, dear blog reader, the Radio Times's - rather ludicrous and hysterical - reporting of David Tennant's response to a fan-rumour that he was returning to Doctor Who now that his old mate Big Rusty has taken over as showrunner on the popular long-running family SF drama was covered in forensic detail. As was the fact that the Radio Times - which used to be a good magazine, when it was staffed by adults - had done more than many other organs of the media to push this dubious story to a wider audience. But, you may be wondering, where on Earth (or, indeed, off Earth) did this dodgiest of dodgy rumours originate (other than the obvious answer, 'in the darkest corners of a damaged mind')?
The 'David is coming back as Doctor number fourteen (or, fifteen if you include John Hurt. Or sixteen if you include Richard Hurndall. Or, seventeen if you include David Bradley. Or, eighteen, if you include Jo Martin. Et cetera, et cetera)' malarkey seemed to have originated from someone posting on the Reddit forum. Who, he, she or it claimed, had an actual source at the actual BBC during the actual Chris Chibnall era. Actually. Whether this claim is true, partly true or - as this blogger suspects - not even remotely true has been, it seems, the subject of some considerable debate on the forum itself. But, apparently, he, she or it did, indeed, get some advance-spoiler details correct concerning Eve Of The Daleks and Legend Of The Sea Devils (and, potentially, the as-yet-unbroadcast Jodie Whittaker finale). This individual, it is reported, swore - like a big sweary thing - that David Tennant would be coming back as 'the next Doctor.' After, apparently, previously swearing - like a big sweary thing - that it would be Huge Grant. A rumour which this blog has already covered. And, hysterically, laughed at. Whether this individual was the original source of that rumour - which, thanks to some knobcheese at the Daily Mirra became the main news story in Great Britain for a day or two in March - is not known. But it has to be a distinct possibility. This mysterious leaker then, reportedly, backed down big-style and changed his, her or its story to the David Tennant rumour. This blogger has been told by one who saw the story emerge, that it was 'something to do with a mayfly Doctor who would [be the] lead in one to three specials (possibly including the sixtieth anniversary special) and then regenerate into the next Doctor for series fourteen.' The story subsequently mutated into Jodie Whittaker's Doctor 'degenerating back to [Tennant] because of [...] reasons.' Then, it was Tennant 'playing a whole new incarnation of The Doctor with Catherine Tate also returning as someone other than Donna Noble.'
The rumour - or variants of it - seems to have gravitated from Reddit to Doctor Who groups on Facebook - which is where this blogger first became aware of it - to the spoiler area of a particularly well-known Doctor Who forum and then, inevitably, to the notorious Plymouth Live website. Where it appeared in a - truly risible - article which cited a Facebook post that, it was claimed, contained information supplied by 'a credible BBC source.' Credible, perhaps but still suspiciously anonymous. And, therefore, almost certainly fictitious. In case you haven't previously come across it, dear blog reader (and, if that's you, count yourselves jolly lucky) Plymouth Live is a website associated with the Plymouth Herald local newspaper which, apparently, has at least one member of staff who trawls, with monotonous regularity, Doctor Who fan forums and Facebook for rumours containing a Doctor Who angle. Because, seeming, there is no actual news to report in Devon. Seriously, dear blog reader, Plymouth Live has become something of a running joke amongst the (slightly) more sensible end of Doctor Who fandom, barely a day going by without yet another Doctor Who-related 'story' (and, this blogger uses that word quite wrongly) appearing on Plymouth Live. Recent examples have included Doctor Who: Fans Slam 'Sexist' Weakest Link Winner After Comments Cause Outrage, Doctor Who: Pointless Question Has Fans Lamenting Sign Of The Times', John Bishop Spotted Buying Coffee In Plymouth After Doctor Who Role, Doctor Who: 'New Doctor' Harry Hill Joke Tweet Fools 'Gullible' Fans, David Tennant Replaced By Danny Dyer As Favourite To Replace Jodie Whittaker, Doctor Who: Young Fan Forced To Leave Collection Behind In Ukraine and, this blogger's particular favourite, Doctor Who: David Tennant Return Would Be 'Fantastic' Says Rebel Flesh Actress.
Every single one of these being - clearly - an example of unsurpassed literary journalistic genius and all of them will, no doubt, be leading contenders for next year's Pulitzer Prize. One is sure that the parents of the authors of these 'stories' are pure-dead proud of their offspring.
The Tennant story then appeared to spread mostly though Twitter. Which, as we all know, is The Sole Arbiter Of The Worth Of All Things. At least, it is according to the Middle Class hippy Communist vegan-quiche eaters at the Gruniad Morning Star and, sadly, the BBC News website. The latter of which - once again - used to be run by adults but now appears to get the majority of the TV and entertainment stories which it covers directly from what some plank of no important wrote on Twitter. Watching all of this nonsense spread, in real time - and no amount of logic could slow it down - was a sight to see, dear blog reader. Truly, a sight to see. The perceived wisdom by True Believers seeming to be that Big Rusty is going to take the franchise back and, essentially, make the same show he did in 2006 so all the fans who left when he did will now come back, en masse. Because everyone knows The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE)'s tenure and all his characters were terrible - except, of course, they weren't that or anything even remotely like it. So, some fans seemingly believe that Doctor Who is going back to 2006. Or, maybe to 2008. But, definitely not to 2007, because 'we don't need no woke companions shoved in down our throats.'
This blogger suspects that Big Rusty's actual plans for Doctor Who are locked up tighter than a camel's eye in a sandstorm and that all online chancers who claim to have an 'in' at the BBC actually don't. Or, if they once did, they don't have an 'in' at Bad Wolf. One would also like to believe that, in 2022, Russell has a greater range of creative ideas than merely falling back on fourteen to sixteen year old characters. Which does not, necessarily, mean that Tennant - or Eccleston, or Smudger, or Capaldi or Catherine Tate - might not show up in something like the Sixtieth Anniversary Special, of course. That's entirely possible. But, as for David Tennant returning on any sort of regular basis? It's unlikely, let's put it that way. And, dear blog reader, please feel free if any of these tall tales do end up coming to pass, to sneer like a big sneering thing at this blogger for being ... whatever the opposite of gullible is. Because, if you don't (and, I know you will), there are plenty of others in Doctor Who fandom who are eagerly awaiting the opportunity to do exactly that. This blogger wishes to extend his sincerely gratitude to his very lovely Facebook fiend, Jan, for supplying much of the above narrative; some of which this blogger previously knew but lots he didn't (particularly the rumour's apparent origins on Reddit.)
Incidentally, dear blog reader, speaking of The Divine Jan, she was recently complaining - almost certainly with total justification - about someone 'Mansplaining' something to her. This blogger promptly took it upon himself to offer a heartfelt apology to her on behalf of all mankind and assure her that, in future, we will - collectively - try to do better. Jan's response was: 'I didn't realise you'd be coronated [sic] as King Of All Men.' To which this blogger assured her: 'Oh yes, a memo was sent; we held a vote and everything.'
Congratulations are, also, due to the Cult Box website for their article Doctor Who Sixtieth Anniversary Special & Series Beyond which opens with a piece of honesty not many media stories about Doctor Who's future can match: 'Not much is known about the plans showrunner Russell T Davies has for Doctor Who in 2023.' And, for 'not much', read 'absolutely nothing. Well, strictly speaking, we know Big Rusty will be showrunning and that an episode will be broadcast on, or very near to, 23 November 2023. But, that's it - we don't even know whom The Doctor will be. We've got a pretty good idea of whom he or she won't be, though. Huge Grant, David Tennant, Danny Dyer, Harry Hill, James Corden, Tony Head, Craig Charles, et cetera.'
Mandip Gill is swapping the TARDIS for a star-turn in 2:22 - A Ghost Story. This week she discussed her friendship with the current Time Lord and an 'eye-opening' new role alongside Uma Thurman with some Middle Class hippy Communist from the Gruniad Morning Star. Which you can read here.
'When did Doctor Who start to go all woke?' is, of course, a fascinatingly twatty question, usually asked by people with a monobrow and disgusting halitosis. And, to which the answer is: 'Wasn't the first story directed by a gay British-Asian man and produced by a Jewish woman? So, 1963, then ...' That should shut the questioner up. Should, but it probably won't. Mind you, a good, hard biff on the conk with a wet sock would, likely, also achieve such a satisfying outcome.
Be aware, however, that Doctor Who is hardly alone in this regard, dear blog reader. Everyone's seems to be at it these days.
Sunday's episode of From The North favourite Grace - Not Dead Enough - was a right good laugh. Unless you're a sour-faced whinger on Twitter, obviously. And, if you are, what the Hell are you doing reading this blog? Admittedly, the plot of this episode was a bit credulity-stretching (to such an extent that the Radio Times felt it needed to explain the climax for all of their readers. Who - like the staff - used to be adults. Nevertheless, it was great to see From The North favourite Arty Darvill turning up as not-one-but-two potential serial killers and acting his little cotton socks off. So, no change there, then.
This week also saw a trio of US TV preview discs rocking up on The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House doormat. The Man Who Fell To Earth: Unwashed & Somewhat Slightly Dazed, for instance. Wow. It actually gets better (this blogger didn't think that was possible after the utterly sublime opening episode). A great cast helps, obviously and From The North favourite Chiwetel Ejofor is hilarious as the titular, bewildered, fish-out-of-water alien. This blogger, let it be noted, loved The Temptations sequence the mostest, baby.
The Star Trek: Strange New Worlds pilot was also damned impressive. A bit functional towards the end after a thoroughly sharp opening twenty minutes, perhaps, but this blogger certainly enjoyed it and will be happy to return for more. Again, a very good cast helps the viewer actually care about the characters. Though this blogger is not too sure how turning Christine Chapel into a tech-head (with athletic skills) instead of the nice nurse-lady who hands Doctor McCoy the tricorder on a regular basis and says 'Mister Spock, I'm scared' quite a lot fits into retro-continuity. Although it is, undeniably, slightly more acceptable to Twenty First Century sensibilities. The series has a smashing title sequence as well. And, it's nice to have a Star Trek series that, for once, actually takes place on the starship Enterprise. Christ, even the Radio Times' resident whinging faceache Huge Fullerton liked it. According to the - much more reliable than the Radio Times - Sci Fi Bulletin, the series will debut in the UK on 22 June of Paramount+.
On the other hand, Picard: Farewell - hmm ... far too much talking (actually, make that speechifying) for most of the episode. And, too many subplots followed by not one but two false climaxes. Then, at the end ... it got beautiful in those final two scenes. But that wasn't quite enough to justify four-and-a-bit episodes of not an awful lot happening. This series has been very much a game of two-halves and second-half, sadly, didn't fulfill of the promise of the first. But, hey, next year it's going to be The Next Generation series eight, apparently.
The first Game Of Thrones spin-off is, finally, arriving later this year in the shape of House Of The Dragon - and the first full-length trailer has been shared this week by HBO and Sky. The trailer includes lots of exciting footage from the new series, including the sight of some dragons flying over King's Landing, hints of a very bloody war and another look at the much bigger (and spikier) version of The Iron Throne. That was previously glimpsed in a teaser trailer - released in October 2021 - which saw Matt Smith's Prince Daemon declare: 'Dreams didn't make us Kings, dragons did' and included snippets from a great tournament apparently involving the Tarlys.
Christopher Eccleston has signed up to feature alongside From The North favourite Daisy Ridley in the upcoming Disney+ movie Young Woman & The Sea. The film will also feature Stephen Graham and Tilda Cobham-Hervey. Based on a novel by Glenn Stout, the drama chronicles the life of Gertrude Ederle as she pushes herself to make record-breaking achievements. Ederle, in 1926, became the first woman ever to swim across the English Channel. The daughter of a German butcher from Manhattan, Ederle was a competitive swimmer who won gold in the 1924 Olympics. She attempted to cross the Channel after first swimming twenty two miles from Battery Park in New York to Sandy Hook, New Jersey, setting a record which remained unmatched for over eighty years. Production on Young Woman & The Sea is underway with Joachim Rønning directing.
Upcoming Channel 4 thriller Suspect already boasted a star-studded cast; James Nesbitt leading an ensemble that also includes the likes of Richard E Grant, Anne-Marie Duff, Sacha Dhawan and Sam Heughan. Now the broadcaster has released the poster for the eight-part series, which sees the main cast members and also includes Joely Richardson, Ben Miller and Niamh Algar. Suspect will be broadcast later in 2022.
From The North favourite Simon Mayo has said that working at the BBC could be 'soul destroying' because there are 'so many hoops to jump through.' The radio presenter has just quit the corporation after forty years and he and Mark Kermode have signed a deal with Sony to launch their new movie review podcast Kermode & Mayo's Take. Mayo told the Radio Times: 'When Sony come along and say, "We will invest in this programme in a way that it hasn't been invested in so far" you think, that's interesting.' Asked to elaborate on examples of being frustrated by the BBC red tape, Simon cited a contest he ran on his 5Live show. 'We did a very successful short-film competition called Well Done U. The quality of the entries was brilliant, but there are so many BBC hoops to jump through to actually get something like that on the air that after a while people stop trying, because it's soul destroying. This way we'll be able to bring things like that back.' The former Radio 1 Breakfast Show and Radio 2 Drive Time presenter has said he and Kermode would struggle to launch their own film show at the BBC now, with 'two middle-aged men' presenting it. He said: 'The truth of the matter is, if you were going to start a new film show on the BBC right now there would be no chance of me and Mark being asked to do it.'
The timing of the interview - as with last weekend's Observer Q&A with the duo - was, clearly, part of a media blitz to tie in with the first episode of Mark and Simon's move into the commercial podcast sector, Kermode & Mayo's Take, uploaded on Friday. (And, no surprise, very good it was, too.)
So, we come to that regular part of the blog dedicated to this blogger's - much-whinged-about - on-going medical issues. (For those who haven't been following the on-going saga which seems to have been on-going longer than Panorama: This blogger spent several weeks feeling proper poorly for reasons that no medical professional seemed able to discover; he got much worse and spent a week in hospital; he got discharged; he had some - really painful - injections; he had even more injections (equally painful); he recovered - somewhat - his previously missing-in-action appetite; he got an - at least partial - diagnosis of his issues; he had a meeting with his consultant; he told anyone that was interested that he was still suffering from serious fatigue; he endured a second endoscopy and he had another consultation with the excellent Doctor Nasir.) This week, dear blog reader ... nothing. Not a smidgen. Bugger all. Well, a trip to the dentists on Thursday (see below). But, otherwise, nothing further to report.
Or, if you prefer ...
This blogger remains not a well chap at present, however. Here, for example, is the - extremely colourful - regular morning intake of very hard drugs at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Sadly, remarkably few of these lead to the sort of weird and lurid hallucinations that one writes brilliant songs whilst being under their influence.
So, this blogger said 'what about May Bank Holiday Monday Breakfast at Morrisons?' And, she said 'you really deserve that.' And, indeed, she was right, Keith Telly Topping totally did.
Thursday morning, dear blog reader, saw this blogger required to leave the safety of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House for a bit of pole-vaulting (note that this blogger did not need to use the disabled access. But, the 'Way In' sign was jolly useful).
... and, then he got completely filled-in.
Just as this blogger got back to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House and was about to take a long, leisurely dump on the Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House netty, the Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House telephone rang. It was a very nice lady from Sky who was ringing in connection with an e-mail this blogger had sent them querying the amounts on his forthcoming bills for July and August (they were both about a fiver higher than expected and this blogger stated, politely, that he wished to know why). 'Is this a good time to speak?' she asked. This blogger felt that honesty was the best policy at this moment. 'Well, my mouth is still numb from a dentists injection and I quite urgently need a crap' replied yer actual Keith Telly Topping. She said that she'd ring back.
Of course, it could have been so much worse. This week the Reading Chronicle reported that Pangbourne Celebrates New Public Toilet Opening, adding that 'The APTCT campaign group formed in 2017 after West Berkshire Council closed the facility.' Presumably, the people of Pangbourne have been crossing their legs and whistling for the last five years. Or, you know, pissing and shitting in the streets. Yeah, actually, the latter sounds infinitely more plausible.
On Friday, for us dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, this blogger managed to come up with home-made shrimp and mushroom curry with black pepper and basmati rice. Which was, if you were wondering, a) geet lush and b) really deserved.
An ancient manuscript written by the French astrologer Michel de Nostredame, better known as Nostradamus, stolen from a library in Rome has been returned to the Italian capital. The manuscript, entitled Nostradamus M Prophecies and dating back about three hundred years, was rediscovered last year when it was put up for sale by a German auction house. It is unclear exactly when the five hundred-page manuscript was stolen from the historical studies centre of the Barnabite fathers of Rome, but it is believed to have been about 2007. It is also unclear why, if Nostradmus was as his supporters claim, such a shit-hot seer of the future, he didn't warn anyone that this happenstance was going to occur. 'In the year Two Thousand and Seven/from its Roman home/one of my books will be thieved/and the perpetrators will be called ...' he could have written. In French, obviously. But, oddly, he didn't do that. One wonders why.
One hundred and fourteen years after the legendary Victorian-era cricketer Doctor WG Grace's last match - and more than a century after his death - he has had six hundred and eighty five runs, sixty seven wickets and two centuries wiped from the records books. In a ruthless move the Wisden Cricketers' Almanack has decided that ten of Grace's matches were not at first-class level and as a result, has updated its records. Grace still has the small matter of fifty four thousand two hundred and eleven first-class runs, two thousand eight hundred and nine wickets and one hundred and twenty four centuries to his name from a career that spanned forty four seasons between 1865 and 1908. Grace's run haul is only bettered by four men - Jack Hobbs, Frank Woolley, Patsy Hendren and Philip Mead - whilst he opened the batting for England beyond his fiftieth birthday. But the move, which brings Wisden in line with the Association of Cricket Statisticians and Historians, does mean Grace's historic feat of becoming the first player to score one hundred first-class centuries actually happened two weeks later than previously thought - bad news for any owners of memorabilia which carries the original date. Wisden editor Lawrence Booth told The Times: 'The time has come to accept that the Almanack should be more concerned with record than romance.'
Now, dear blog reader, can you possibly guess which part of the world this gentleman is a native of? Yes, of course, it's the United States of America. It's the lack of a 'u' in the word neighbour that gives it away, yes?
The latest nominees for the From The North Headline Of The Week award include the Birmingham Mail's I Spent An Hour Eating KFC & Left With A One Hundred Pound Bill. But, that's disqualified because, if you read the story you'll discover that the one hundred knicker 'bill' was, actually, mostly made up by a parking fine which the author of the piece, one Kirsty Bosley, got landed with after she didn't bother to read the sign that said she could only park there for an hour. Them's the brakes, Kirsty. And, the steering wheel. And, the engine.
Next, we have the Nottingham Post's Curiosity In St Ann's As More Tyres Keep Appearing In The Area.
Then, there's Cornwall Live's Smelly Abandoned Wadebridge Home Leaves Neighbours Raging. Not merely angry, dear blog reader, but raging.
Of course, we couldn't possibly have a From The North Headline Of The Week award within including a nomination for at least one effort from the BBC News website. Kenya Alarm After Carrier Bag Mistaken For Stray Lion is, admittedly, one of their finer efforts.
Also worthy of consideration is the Watford Observer's Man Stands In Bus Lane Blocking Cars Near A41 Roundabout.
And, Fife Today's Kirkcaldy Couple Lose Holiday Cruise As They Went To Board Thanks To Routine Update Of Covid App. So, no 'dancing in the streets of Raith' this week, then?
Then, there's this.
According to the, always-reliable - and totally accurate - Lad Bible website, You Can Get Paid Thirty Thousand Punds To Eat Cheese But Only If You're Called Gary. Which sounds plausible.
Meanwhile, the Financial Times states, Dollar-Denominated Trade Is The Devil's Doughnut.
The Gruniad Morning Star also made a late bid for the From The North Headline Of The Week award with Piers Corbyn Fined Over 'Murder' Claim At Covid Vaccine Clinic.
Convicted sex criminal Ghislaine Maxwell has lost her bid to overturn her trafficking conviction. But. shockingly (and stunningly), she had the maximum sentence of her sick and sordid crimes cut by ten years. The socialite - who was very convicted of recruiting girls for Jeffrey Epstein to abuse - still faces a possible fifty five-years in The Joint when she is sentenced in June after losing her latest legal challenge.
Odious oily twat Piers Morgan 'risks coming unstuck as viewers turn off TalkTV,' claims the Torygraph. Billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch's star-signing 'started off well' with his notoriously hyped interview with now extremely former President, Mister Rump, but audiences are, the Torygraph claims, 'on the slide.' Which is, obviously, a tragedy.
Charlie Elphicke was the MP for Dover when he was found extremely guilty of sexually assaulting two women, including one whom he chased around his home chanting: 'I'm a naughty Tory.' He recently told the court that he was 'in a very difficult and embarrassing situation' and is finding it hard to get any job. He is, he claimed, looking at supermarket shelf-stacking and building site work to pay back his prosecution costs.
Do you still struggle with teenage mood swings in adulthood, dear blog reader? No, this blogger isn't judging you, he is merely quoting a - particularly noxious - article in the Daily Scum Mail in which clinical nutritionist Jessica Sepel (no, me neither, but, she's Australian, apparently) 'explains why we still experience teenage rage.' Alleged 'experts', the Scum Mail adds, suggest that eating too much white bread, a thyroid issue or not enough exercise could be to blame. Good word 'could'.
The Louisiana House of Representatives has, again, voted down a proposal to ban spanking and paddling of public school students. House Bill 649, authored by Republican Representative Stephanie Hilferty would have outlawed 'the use of physical force that causes pain or discomfort to discipline a student' in Louisiana schools. Correctional employees are not allowed to hit juvenile or adult offenders in the state's detention facilities, Hilferty said, so it made no sense that schools are allowed to hit children. She sponsored the same proposal last year, with opponents describing it "government overreach."'
A German woman has been jailed for six months after she was convicted of stealing her partner's sperm by poking holes in his condoms. In the sort of story the Daily Scum Mail loves, the woman, who wished to become pregnant, 'sabotaged her partner's condoms without his permission so she could harvest his genetic material.' The court in Western Germany was told that sabotaging a condom ahead of an assignation is known as 'stealthing' and normally involves the man destroying the birth control barrier. The thirty nine-year-old woman was described in court as being involved in a 'friends with benefits' relationship with a man. Definite minus points to the Scum Mail, however, as they - for once - completely failed to say how much the couple's house was worth in the headline.
This blogger rather enjoyed the Gruniad Morning Star's one star review of the recently released Faye. 'Single-performer horror show jabs at influencer culture. Kd Amond's cabin fever tale about a self-help author suffering from writer's block mostly features one character who talks too much.' Yes, this blogger's met more than a few people like that.
And finally dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping can never make up his mind whether Dracula AD 1972 is the greatest 'bad' movie ever made or, alternatively, the worst 'great' movie ever made. Depending on the day, this blogger tends to shuttle backwards and forwards between these two options. Today, it's the former! If life is a party, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping would rather like it to be exactly like the one in Dracula AD 1972 with popular beat combo Stoneground playing 'Alligator Man' in the front room of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Although, given that there were ten in the band, some of them would need to be in the kitchen, next door so we could fit them all into the gaff.
