'She killed my father and she released a demon.' So, Legend Of The Sea Devils then, dear blog reader. Do you know what? This blogger thought that was bloody great. No surprise there, clearly. This blogger is nothing if not as predictable-as-ever.
'That's the trouble with history, never the same as the books. Same with Stephen King movies!' The episode was, as expected, a right rip-roaring rollercoaster of high-sea shenanigans with rough-tough sailors tossing in their hammocks. Or something. Wor Geet Canny Jodie's second-to-last Doctor Who adventure ticked the majority of the boxes that it was expected to and, indeed, that it needed to. It was a load of not-too-serious fun (Doctor Who does Pirates Of The Caribbean, in essence) and it worked on that level and a couple of other levels too.
'We've crossed paths once or twice.' For their third appearance in Doctor Who - and first since 1984 - the titular aquatic reptiles were fantastically redesigned. Chibnall and Ella Road's script was decent enough with plenty of action and some good dialogue ('Oi, fins off!') with Jodie herself getting most of the best lines ('You're not the same as the other Land Crawlers.' 'Correct, I crawled in from a different land'). And it was gorgeously shot by Haolu Wang. We had swordfights, ghost ships, magical crystals, moral and relationship dilemmas, properly fine special effects and gloriously bonkers technobabble. And the final scene was just perfect ('I wish this would go on forever'). To sum up, then, this blogger thought it was great.
In the lead-up to the episode's broadcast, barely a day went by without the Radio Times - which used to be a quality magazine when it was written by and run by adults - managing to churn out yet another Doctor Who-related story. Some of them were rather good, admittedly, like a link to the BBC Media Centre's in-depth preview of the episode, featuring interviews with The Chib, Jodie, Mandip and Bish.
Others were suitably informative and revelatory, like a piece which described just how close Chibnall and Jodie came to leaving the series two years ago as the effects of the pandemic threatened to completely derail production on what eventually became last year's six-part Flux storyline. 'We had to ditch our original idea and I had to write a new script in just over a week,' Chibnall whinged (not unreasonably). 'You can't just go, "Right, we've got the series and then we'll do the specials." You're constantly on this treadmill.' The full text of Chib's extensive interview with Robin Parker can be read here.
And then there were those - many, many - 'articles' which were either a) unadulterated - second-hand - diarrhoea, b) speculative nonsense designed purely to fill pages and/or elicit page-clicks on the Radio Times website or, c) both. Take, for instance, this piece of nothing, based on a couple of stray comments made by Jodie Whittaker and John Bishop in - separate - interviews about the forthcoming regeneration episode which had a headline that was writing a cheque the accompanying story couldn't possibly hope to cash. Or, this something-over-nothing 'exclusive' in which Chibnall said he expects Russell Davies to 'ignore' all of Chib's changes to Doctor Who's history when Big Rusty takes over showrunning duties. Something which Big Rusty has got far too much class to even consider doing. Or, indeed, this ... thing (this blogger is struggling to work out exactly what the point of this 'article' is supposed to be). Sweet baby Jeebus, dear blog reader, does anyone else remember when the Radio Times's alleged Doctor Who specialist, That There Huw Fullerton, wrote something which was actually a piece of properly-researched journalism? No, this blogger neither, he's only fifty eight after all. And as for Patrick Mulkern's 'I knew who The Sea Devils were in the 1970s, you younglings didn't' 'review' of the episode ... Frankly, dear blog reader, words fail this blogger. Which is something that rarely (if ever) happens.
Mind you, dear blog reader, let it not be presumed that cruddy, one-dimensional, local paper-style journalism concerning Doctor Who-related stories are a new thing. Here, for example, is a recently rediscovered 1976 piece from the Bishopbriggs Times about then then-teenage Doctor Who fan Peter Capaldi and his brushes with Mister Pertwee, Lis Sladen and Good Old Mad Tom.
Last year, dear blog reader, the very lovely author and editor Stacey Smith asked yer actual Keith Telly Topping if he would like to contribute something by way of an episode review to ATB Publishing's forthcoming Outside In Walks With Fire: Fifty Five New Perspectives on Fifty Five Twin Peaks Stories by Fifty Five Writers (which is due out around June, apparently). Which Keith Telly Topping did. And, it seemed to go down adequately since this week, this blogger has been asked to do something for the same publisher's Outside In Regenerates: One Hundred & Sixty New Perspectives On One Hundred & Sixty Classic Doctor Who Stories By One Hundred & Sixty Writers. This blogger bit his lip concerning his utter loathing for the term 'classic' in this context since, as far as Keith Telly Topping is concerned, Doctor Who 1963 to 2022, it's all the same popular, long-running family SF drama and it's all classic! It's this blogger's issue, dear blog reader, he'll try to deal with it in his own unique way. And, probably, fail. Anyway, Keith Telly Topping was agreeable to this request and only went and nabbed his favourite ever Doctor Who story - The Aztecs - to witter on about, wrote approximately one thousand words in far less time than it should have taken him (though, to be fair, he used to be quite good at this authoring lark. Sometime last century) and he has, since, had word back that they rather liked it.
So, that's this blogger's way of proving that From The North isn't his sole creative outlet these days. Of course, he did also contribute to 2015's You & Who Else and 2019's Me & The Starman just to demonstrate that he can still rough up an article/review/think-piece when the mood takes him or someone asks him. Nicely. Keith Telly Topping, dear blog readers, thoroughly available for publication commissions. And, also weddings, funerals, bah-mitzvahs et cetera ...
Also this week, this blogger thought he might as well take the opportunity to post the now-famous The Young Doctors image once more onto his Facebook page before it needs changing again. Which seemed popular with this blogger's dear Facebook fiends judging from the comments he received.
For anyone wondering, the list goes as follows: Thirties Matinee Idol; Bela Lugosi, Master Seaman Pertwee; Noël Coward; The keyboard player in Hawkwind; Seventies porn star; Brian Clough; A member of Top-Pop-Combo Jo Boxers; Serial killer; Anxious 1990s New Labour MP in a marginal seat; Patrick Troughton, seemingly; Err ... Matt Smith; Knitwear model; Wor Geet Canny Jodie. Though, for the sake of completeness, it's probably necessary to add numbers fifteen to nineteen (see below). And, don't get this blogger started on the issue of the faces seen in The Brain Of Morbius, dear blog reader, or we'll be here all night.
This blogger seems to only be watching Picard episodes in multiples of two these days (his own choice, let it be noted, no one's forcing him to do it that way). The Gala episode - Two Of One - was a rather good miniature Mission: Impossible movie and gorgeous to look at (mostly due to Alison Pill's astonishingly impressive cleavage. She's definitely got a couple of big things going for her, that lady). The Jean-Luc's Dangerous Mind/Mommy Issues episode - Monsters - though ... Well, positives first, guest-star James Callis was properly terrific in it. But, the plot meandered all over the place and, often, not in a remotely good way (as 'dream episodes' can tend to do). This blogger did enjoy the last five minutes, though, even if there was nowhere near enough of Agnes's chest on display.
Good Friday saw a welcome showing of the great Carry On Screaming on ITV3. Featuring one future Doctor, two almost-but-not-quite Doctors and the greatest bit of comedy blackboard writing in the history of blackboard written comedy. Bar none.
Then, there was Sunday's showing of Where Eagles Dare on ITV4. Because, nothing commemorates the sacrifice and martyrdom of Our Lord like Richard and Clint moving down half the Wehrmacht with machine guns, does it?
This week, in actual fact, started rather oddly for this blogger with a distinctly queer Sunday in so many ways. Albeit, it was a day which could be viewed as somewhat atypical of this blogger's average day at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House since he got out of hospital: Woke really early due to ongoing insomnia issues (see below for more on this), watched the Australian Grand Prix, had cereal for breakfast, did the weekly washing, took the vacuum cleaner over the front room, got fatigued, had a nap, woke up, had eggs and bacon for us dinner, got fatigued again, had another nap, had a bath and by about 6pm this blogger was utterly exhausted and, frankly, ready for his pit. Most days are not wholly dissimilar to this (except for the bit about the Grand Prix, obviously).
On Wednesday, this blogger attended a family funeral at The Crem on the West Road (which, movie fans my enjoy knowing featured, albeit briefly, in Get Carter). Keith Telly Topping seems to have reached that age, dear blog reader, where he is attending more funerals than weddings and christenings put together these days. It was a beautiful - humanist - service but a very sad occasion, obviously.
On Tuesday, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping enjoyed a rare - dare one suggest, these days almost unique - afternoon social engagement; a geet lush and mad-sexy luncheonette with his good fiend Young Malcolm (one of only a handful of people this blogger knows with a greater knowledge of British horror movies and archive TV than Keith Telly Topping his very self). The event was made slightly less enjoyable by this blogger getting soaked right through to his vest on the way home due to a downpour of quasi-biblical proportions. At least, that's his story and he's sticking to it. But the meal, itself, at this blogger's current favourite restaurant in the whole wide world, bar none, the Little Asia on Stowell Street, was proper-excellent. The main course, in particular - this blogger went for King Prawn Curry with Egg-Fried Rice - was, needless to say, really deserved.
Young Malcolm and this blogger also made tentative arrangements to meet up again shortly - probably sometime in the next couple of weeks, this blogger's health and several forthcoming medical appointments notwithstanding - to see Operation Mincemeat, a movie with a subject matter which fascinates both of us. It's a film with a great cast - including several From The North favourites like Matthew Macfadyen, Kelly Macdonald, Mark Gatiss and Hello To Jason Isaacs - which has been getting fine reviews (and, a grudgingly sniffy one from some slaphead of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star). So this blogger is looking forward to seeing it and to deciding if it's as good as the previous movie adaptation of the same events, 1956's excellent The Man Who Never Was.
This blogger is not sure whether one is actually allowed to eat-of-the-meat on a Good Friday or whether it should be a strict diet of chocolate eggs in memory of Our Lord and his affinity with bunnies. Or Something. Much less, whether tea and buttered toast is allowed. Nevertheless, another Breakfast At Morrisons-type malarkey occurred on this particular Good Friday.
Of course, what Our Lord, his very holy self makes of all this chocolate bunnies-type malarkey is not, at this time, known. Oh, hang on dear blog reader, this just in ...
And, indeed, this.
From Our Lord to Richard Osman who is reported to be leaving the hit BBC quiz show Pointless, the corporation has confirmed. The fifty one-year-old has appeared on the show since 2009, filming more than thirteen hundred episodes across almost thirty series. But in recent years, he has had to juggle his TV commitments with writing his successful Thursday Murder Club series of crime novels. Host Alexander Armstrong (the Andrew Ridgley of the operation) will remain on Pointless and Osman will continue to appear on its z-list celebrity spin-off. Osman will also continue to present his own - really extremely irritating - BBC2 show House Of Games.
And now, dear blog reader, 'surprise casting decision for Bill & Ted remake shocks fans ...'
Boris Johnson's - really funny - fine for breaching lockdown rules is the 'most severe constitutional crisis involving a Prime Minister,' a historian has claimed. He added: 'See that Boris Johnson. He's toast, he is.' Probably. History of government 'expert' Lord Hennessy told the BBC that Bashing Boris had 'broken the law' (kind of implicit in him getting fined, this blogger would've said), 'misled Parliament' (which Bashing Boris denies and will, in all likelihood, attempt to weasel his way out of by claiming he believed what he was telling fellow MPs was true, even though it - clearly - wasn't) and 'shredded the ministerial code.' Speaking after news of the fine was announced, Johnson said people 'had the right to expect better' from him. No shit, Sherlock? You're the Prime Minister - it might be an idea to start acting like it. Johnson has since said it 'did not occur' to him at the time that the 'brief' gathering in the Cabinet Room to mark his birthday in June 2020 could be in contravention of Covid lockdown rules. But, it was. He is known to have attended at least two further events of the twelve currently being investigated by Plod, meaning he could, potentially, be fined again. Twice. One - anonymous and, therefore, possibly fictitious - Downing Street aide, who witnessed many of the events under investigation, snitched to the BBC News website that the birthday party was 'the least serious' gathering, in terms of potential rule-breaking, that Johnson attended. The Prime Minister reportedly intends to 'update' MPs on the fine after they return from their Easter break on Tuesday. Opposition parties are investigating ways to hold him to account for what they see as misleading statements to Parliament and naughty, law-breaking ways. Well, good luck with that. Hennessy said: 'I think we're in the most severe constitutional crisis involving a Prime Minister that I can remember.' He added when Johnson and Rishi Sunak were fined on Tuesday, he wrote in his diary: 'Tuesday 12 April 2022 will be forever remembered as a dark bleak day for public and political life' and the Prime Minister had become 'the great debaser in modern times of decency in public and political life and of our constitutional conventions.' What Johnson wrote in his diary is not, at this time, known (given that he was educated at Eton, it is not entirely certain that he can write at all) but it may well have been similar to Captain Darling's note on discovering that he was being sent over-the-top by General Melchett. 'The Prime Minister sealed his place in British history as the first lawbreaker to have occupied the premiership,' Hennessy wrote. Well, the first law-breaker to actually get caught, at least. He said Johnson had turned his position into 'an adventure playground for his narcissistic vanity.' And, this is 'news' how, exactly? He's always done that. Lord Hennessy accused the Prime Minister of having 'broken the law, misled Parliament and has, in effect, shredded the ministerial code' when he 'should be the guardian of the code.' The Prime Minister is under intense pressure to justify why he previously told MPs that rules in Downing Street 'were followed at all times.' When they, clearly, were not or anything even remotely like it. Opposition MPs have accused him of misleading the House of Commons, which they say would break the ministerial code and be a resigning offence. And, also, being a mad-haired buffoon with shit-for-brains. Which may or may not be true but it's a subject which is at least worthy of debate in the public arena. Lord Hennessy said Johnson's decision not to resign immediately upon being fined by The Fuzz for his naughty law-breaking ways showed 'complete and utter disdain for the decency of our constitutional conventions.' And, again, this constitutes 'news', apparently. He also criticised ministers defending Johnson's conduct on the airwaves and their use of the situation in Ukraine to argue that there should not be a leadership contest at this time by saying they 'cannot ignore the decency of your own system.' But, they can and they will unless forced to do otherwise. Not by public revulsion (there's plenty of that about but it, seemingly, matters not-a-sod to most Tories) but, rather by their own backbenchers suddenly realising that Johnson has become an erection liability in much the same way as That Awful Thatcher Woman who was, amusingly, stabbed in the back in 1990. Hell hath no fury like a Conservative MP with a slim majority and a general erection on the horizon. Hennessy added: 'The Queen's First Minister is now beyond doubt a rogue Prime Minister, unworthy of her, her Parliament, her people and her kingdom.' Yeah, pretty much. 'I cannot remember a day when I have been more fearful for the well-being of the constitution. It's an assault on not just the decent state of mind which keeps our society open and clean but also on the institutions of the state. If he's not prepared to do the decent thing ... why should anybody else behave decently and properly? The whole decency of our public life turns on this question.'
Senior Tories have, reportedly, 'warned' that traditional supporters are abandoning the party after Boris Johnson's Partygate fine, as another MP broke cover to say the Prime Minister should be removed over his conduct. Mind you, this is according to the Gruniad Morning Star so this blogger wouldn't advise anyone take this as gospel. Conservative MPs across the country, the Gruniad claim, said they believed many people who had backed the party in the past were now 'raising concerns,' with Downing Street braced for further fixed-penalty notices relating to parties in the coming days. Writing in the Gruniad's sister paper, the equally Middle Class hippy Communist vegan quiche-eating Observer, former immigration minister Caroline Nokes said that she was sticking with her decision to submit a letter of no confidence in the Prime Minister. But, he's gaffer-taped his large ass to his chair in the Cabinet Room and he's not going anywhere, it would seem. So, what are you gonna do about it, Caroline? Stage a palace coup? Go on, then, give it your best shot and let us all know how you got on. The Conservative Party, meanwhile, have, apparently, issued a statement in which they blame all of their, many, current problems on 'the actions of a simple-minded oaf.' When informed of this, Bashing Boris was heard to reply: 'It's nice of the chaps to blame everything on an oaf, but I can't help feeling I'm partly to blame.'
Meanwhile, Russia has banned Prime Minister - and criminal - Bashing Boris Johnson and other senior ministers from entering Russia over the UK's 'hostile' stance on Vlad The Small's war with Ukraine. Now, why didn't someone in this country think about imposing a similar sanction on Bashing Boris to keep him out of our lives? Foreign Secretary Liz Truss, Defence Secretary Ben Wallace and ten other senior politicians - mostly members of the Cabinet - have also been barred. Not that any of them were planning on going to Russia any time soon, of course. So, really, it's about as effective an announcement as all the 'Putin - and his really small penis - are guilty of war crimes' hand-wringing from Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star-reading vegan quiche-eaters when there is sod-all chance of Vlad The Small - and his really small penis - ever, actually, standing trial for his alleged sick and genocidal crimes against humanity. Moscow said that the decision to ban Bashing Boris from darkening their door again had been made 'in retaliation' to the UK's sanctions against it since it invaded Ukraine. No shit? Not because of him having a penchant for attending illegal lockdown raves, then? For a moment, there, it appeared that Russia had - collectively - developed a moral compas but, seemingly, not. In March, Moscow imposed a similar ban on US President Joe Biden. Who, also, wasn't intending on going there.
Speaking of the Gruniad Morning Star, this blogger highly recommends Miranda Bryant's interview with From The North favourite Nicola Walker, Mike Ripley's obituary of the author Harry Patterson (best known, under his pen-name Jack Higgins, for The Eagle Has Landed) and the always-excellent Toby Hadoke's obituary of Ron Pember. Also for your consideration, dear blog reader, the Doctor Who News webpage's obituary of Sonny Caldinez.
On Jimmy Kimmel Live this week, the host spoke about Joe Biden's extension of America's national emergency status, with Covid cases on the rise again. 'At this point, Covid is like the Bachelor franchise: they announce a new variant before the old one's wrapped up,' he said. On Sean Hannity's FOX show, now extremely former President Mister Rump called to say that he would be handling the current crises 'better' than Biden, focusing on Russian's invasion of Ukraine. Kimmel said if Rump was in charge now, 'he'd be throwing rolls of paper towels at Ukrainian refugees.' Hannity tried to, once again, get the extremely former President on-record against Putin, but Rump refused, instead bragging about their friendship. 'There are bodybags on-screen [and] he's bragging about the dudes he knows,' Kimmel said. Rump then decided to talk about the danger of windmills and how they are currently killing eagles. 'What is the deal with him and windmills?' Kimmel asked. 'Did he have a traumatic mini-golf experience as a child? Maybe that's why his hair is like that?' He added: 'I feel like the hamster that powers his brain is getting tired.'
A new From The North feature now, dear blog reader.
In no particular order, then, Child In The House.
Death Goes To School. In which the script has proud Scotsman Gordon Jackson paraphrasing Robbie Burns's To A Louse, On Seeing One On A Lady's Bonnet At Church and then claiming to Sam Kydd that it's from Shakespeare. Careless.
Playback.
Stranger From Venus.
Date With Disaster.
Snowball.
Night Tide.
The Gentle Trap.
Death Line.
The Trollenberg Terror.
Ooh! You Are Awful. Starring Dick Emery, Ronald Fraser, Derren Nesbitt and Cheryl Kennedy ...
... but, most notably, Cheryl Kennedy's bottom (always assuming a stunt-arse wasn't used for that particular sequence, of course). 'Now, we'll have one more. This time, try not to smile!'
House Of The Long Shadows.
The Monster That Challenged The World.
The Atomic Brain.
Daughters Of Satan.
Be My Guest.
So you see, dear blog reader, insomnia isn't all bad. At least, if you enjoy watching pre-breakfast 1950s b-movies, obviously. Which, fortunately, this blogger does. Sometimes.
NASA's Hubble Space Telescope has spotted the largest icy comet nucleus ever seen by astronomers, as it inches closer to The Sun and offers scientists a closer look. Named comet C/2014 UN271 (Bernardinelli-Bernstein), the icy giant has been traveling at twenty two thousand miles per hour from the edge of the solar system. It is estimated to have a diameter of approximately eighty miles across. The nucleus of the comet is about fifty times larger than the heart of most comets, according to NASA and its mass is estimated to be five hundred trillion tons. That's one hundred thousand times greater than the mass of a typical comet. So, if it lands on your head, dear blog reader, it's likely going to hurt a bit. It was first identified in 2019 by astronomers Pedro Bernardinelli and Gary Bernstein in Chile. At the time, the comet was three billion miles away from The Sun, about the average distance to Neptune.
Four astronauts have left Earth on the first all-private mission to the International Space Station. The four men are called The Axiom-1 Crew. Axiom is a commercial spaceflight company that hopes to build its own space station in the next few years. The crew lifted away from Florida's Kennedy Space Center on a SpaceX Falcon rocket on 8 April. A former US space agency astronaut, Michael López-Alegría, is commanding the mission. Flying alongside him are US real estate entrepreneur and aerobatic pilot Larry Connor, Israeli investor and philanthropist Eytan Stibbe and Canadian entrepreneur, investor and philanthropist Mark Pathy. They will get to spend eight days aboard the ISS, conducting scientific research and a number of outreach projects. And, by the time you read this, dear blog reader, they'll likely be back home.
Grime artiste Dizzee Rascal (he's a popular beat combo, yer honour) has been handed a one-year restraining order and a twenty four-week curfew for assaulting his former fiancée. The rapper, whose real name is Dylan Kwabena Mills, had denied assault by beating. But, the judge wasn't having it and the thirty seven-year-old, of Sevenoaks, Kent, was found extremely guilty of attacking Cassandra Jones in Streatham in June 2021. The court heard the artist behind chart-topping singles 'Bonkers' and 'Dance Wiv Me', was 'frustrated' over custody arrangements and the pair had an argument when he dropped off their daughter at the property. Mills had assaulted Jones by pressing his forehead against hers and pushing her to the ground during a 'chaotic' row, the trial heard, when he accused her of causing injuries to his arm. He was given a community order with a twenty four-week curfew and told he must wear an electronic tag. The judge said she was 'satisfied' giving Mills an additional twelve-month restraining order was a 'necessary and proportionate' measure. Mills was also ordered to pay two thousand one hundred and ninety knicker in costs and a ninety five quid surcharge.
Pakistan's full-of-his-own-importance Prime Minister Imran Khan has been ousted from power after losing a no-confidence vote in his leadership. The vote was held past midnight after opposition parties brought a motion against him. The motion was first brought last week, but the former international cricketer blocked it by dissolving parliament. Sunday's vote took place after the country's Supreme Court ruled in favour of opposition parties and said that Khan had acted unconstitutionally. Opposition leader Shehbaz Sharif - who is expected to be chosen as the new Prime Minister on Monday - said Pakistan and its parliament were 'finally freed from a serious crisis,' adding in a tweet: 'Congratulations to the Pakistani nation on a new dawn.'
Police in Arizona have arrested a man after one hundred and eighty three animals, including dogs, cats and birds were found in his freezer. Michael Turland admitted freezing some of the animals while they were still alive, the Mohave County Sheriff's office said. He has been charged with ninety four counts of animal cruelty. Images from the scene 'were absolutely disgusting and heart-breaking,' said sheriff's spokeswoman Anita Mortensen. 'As an animal lover I was crying just looking at them,' she told the BBC, adding that the photos were too graphic to release.
The outstanding winner of the latest From The North Headline Of The Week award goes to the Halifax Courier for Row Over Toilets At Calderdale School - Parents Say Pupils Forced To Choose Between Queuing For Loos Or Having Their Lunch. Or, they could get their lunch first and then eat it whilst sitting on the netty. Or is that too radical a suggestion?
Still on a somewhat lavatorial theme, the BBC News website deserves some credit for their effort Llandudno: Woman Trapped In Toilet Had To Pay To Get Out. Oh, dear - what can the matter be? It seems that one Lucy Wishart paid thirty pence to use the loo and then became trapped. She had to phone her husband, Ian, who was nearby, to ask him to insert another thirty pee to open the door, after following advice on the inside of the convenience which read 'do not panic.' It makes a change from the graffiti you usually get in public conveniences, doesn't it? Whether Lucy was having a slash or a dump whilst she was in there, however, we just don't know.
And then, there's this ...
And, indeed, this.
Bruno Guimarães Rodriguez Moura struck deep into stoppage time to give this blogger's beloved (and now, mercifully, sold) Magpies victory over Leicester City and edge Th' Toon a step closer to Premier League survival. The Brazilian midfielder - fast becoming a crowd favourite at St James' - cancelled out Ademola Lookman's opener on the half-hour mark before the two sides played out a strangely subdued second half. But in the fifth minutes of added time, a low cross by substitute Joe Willock bounced up kindly for Guimarães to snatch a dramatic winner with a diving header at The Gallowgate End. It was Newcastle's eighth victory in the last twelve games and their fifth straight win at a rockin' St James' Park. Guimarães was Newcastle's first big signing under their new owners, arriving from Lyon in the January transfer window for an initial thirty five million notes and has helped provide the impetus to push The Magpies towards safety. And, despite arriving as a defensive midfielder, the twenty four-year-old now has three goals from five Premier League starts and said that his winner was the first headed goal of his career. Th' Toon now have thirty seven points - twelve clear of the relegation zone and three behind ninth-placed Leicester, whose five-game unbeaten run came to a dramatic end. Leicester arrived on Tyneside buoyed by Thursday's Europa League win at PSV Eindhoven, which saw the club reach the Semi-Finals of a European competition for the first time. The Foxes have struggled to defend set-pieces this season yet they opened the scoring with a training-ground routine of their own, Lookman's eighth goal of the season capping a bright start. Ayoze Perez superbly laid on James Maddison's equaliser in Eindhoven and the Spaniard repeated the trick against his former club. But the visitors' Achilles heel was exposed again eleven minutes later, from the first corner they conceded. Newcastle centre-half Dan Burn leaned over Daniel Amartey to head down Jonjo Shelvey's inswinging delivery, before Guimarães poked the ball goalwards from in front of Kasper Schmeichel and then bundled it into the net while both players were on the deck. At first glance it appeared Guimarães had knocked the ball from the Denmark keeper's grasp. However, the video assistant, Lee Mason, recommended referee Jarred Gillett looked at his pitchside monitor and replays clearly showed the ball had been stuck between Schmeichel's legs, rather than his hands. That leveller lifted the hosts and they finished the first half on top, before Leicester dominated possession after the break with Newcastle still the more threatening. But they failed to create any clear-cut chances until Burn sent a header wide from a late corner, while Leicester substitute Kelechi Iheanacho went close at the other end.
Construction of the so-called Whey Aye in Newcastle remains on hold - with the war in Ukraine cited as the latest reason for delays to the one hundred million knicker project. Just one more thing to drag Vlad The Small - and his really tiny penis - to The Hague over, one could suggest. Plans for the four hundred and sixty feet observation wheel, the tallest in Europe, were backed three years ago by the council. Work had been due to start in 2020 but was pushed back multiple times due to 'disruption' caused by the pandemic. There is still no sign of any building work starting on the site in Ouseburn.
A vehicle painted to look like The Mystery Machine from Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? has been stopped by police in a case of the missing MOT. BCH Road Policing Unit sneered on Twitter that they had spotted the van 'touring around Hertfordshire.' When they pulled the van over, they said it became a 'mystery as to where the MOT was' as the 'driver unfortunately didn't know either.' Because, dear blog reader, there is nothing funnier in the wide, wide world of minor criminality than a member of The Filth with delusions of being a stand-up comedy genius and access to social media.
And finally for the latest bloggerisationism update, dear blog reader, '... is comin' like a ghost town,' perhaps?
