Saturday, April 23, 2022

"Good Without Evil Is Like Light Without Darkness"

'Nothing is forever. No regeneration, no life. Beware of the forces that mass against you. And their Master.' Two much-loved former Doctor Who companions will reappear in Jodie Whittaker's final adventure later this year. The characters of Tegan and Ace will join The Doctor and her current companions, Yaz and Dan, in the episode which is due to be broadcast this autumn. The news was revealed in a trailer which followed the show's Easter special, Legend Of The Sea Devils, on Sunday. Which this blogger thought was great. The forty five second trailer also revealed that the episode will feature The Doctor's arch-nemesis, The Master (Sacha Dhawan) and two of her most famous foes, The Daleks and The Cybermen. More familiar faces will also appear in the special: Vinder (Jacob Anderson) and Kate Stewart (Jemma Redgrave) will both return, having appeared in Doctor Who's last full series, Flux, in late 2021. Although he wasn't featured in the trailer, That There Bradley Walsh is also strongly rumoured to feature in the episode. Tegan Jovanka, an Australian air stewardess and 'mouth on legs', appeared on the BBC's popular, long-running family SF drama between 1981 and 1984 as a companion to Tom Baker and Peter Davison's Doctors. She is played by the Goddess that is Janet Fielding (you knew that, right?) who said: 'In some ways it was a very different experience to what it was like when I finished recording in 1983, but in many ways it was very similar. It was so lovely to be a working member of the Doctor Who family again.' Ace was The Doctor's baseball bat-wielding companion from 1987 to 1989 alongside Sylvester McCoy. Actress Sophie Aldred said: 'It's been quite a challenge to have such a big secret to keep, even from my family and I couldn't be more thrilled and excited to have been asked back. I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I adored being part of the TARDIS team again.' Outgoing showrunner Chris Chibnall recently told Radio Times that the forthcoming episode would include several 'treats' for fans, including 'Easter eggs and kisses to the past.'
Of course, not surprisingly since this is Doctor Who fandom we're talking about, there was absolute Hell-on shortly after this news was announced. From fans in various other parts of the world - mainly America - who hadn't seen Legend Of The Sea Devils or the 'Coming Soon' trailer but were still active on Facebook and Twitter. And who were, they claimed, pure-dead angry that their own viewing had been 'spoiled' by people - in the country in which the show is, actually, made - talking about the return of Tegan and Ace. After it has been announced by the BBC. This blogger had a feeling something like this was going to become an issue so he specifically asked those contributing to his own Facebook page in advance to be hyper-spoiler-aware. Something which was, of course, immediately ignored by one punter who posted a photo of the two actresses concerned. That went down spectacularly badly with at least one of this blogger's Facebook fiends who was mad-vexed by all this spoilerific malarkey. But, at the end of the day, this blogger's view is that the production have announced a casting decision - not a plot-spoiler - the 'news' of which appeared on the BBC News website (among many other media outlets) within minutes of the episode ending in the UK. The BBC being, just to repeat the bleeding obvious, the people who make the sodding show in the first place. Thus it was, frankly, a bit daft for anyone to expect fans in the UK not to wish to talk about it because others elsewhere in the world - again, most notably, though not exclusively, in America - may not, yet, have seen it. That's the modern world for you, kids - once something's out there, it's hard to keep pretty much anything a secret for long. You know, dear blog reader, it's funny, back in the 1980s Doctor Who fandom generally used to break its neck to find out any tiny scrap of info about forthcoming episodes; in this blogger own case, he well remembers getting photocopies of a few of the script pages from one of the Trial Of A Timelord episodes pre-broadcast and these became like catnip for every Doctor Who-loving fiend of this blogger who got to hear about him having them. Keith Telly Topping is not sure exactly when the whole 'no spoilers' thing started (2005, when Doctor Who returned to production, he's guessing) but it is a curious thing to those of us who aren't really bothered by knowing things in advance. Added to which, some of the aspects which are complained about by spoilerphobes, frankly, baffle this blogger - stuff from trailers, casting information, Keith Telly Topping has even seen complaints about the announcement of episode titles (if they include the word 'Daleks', for instance). As far as this blogger is concerned, if the BBC themselves have put something out then it's not a spoiler, it's 'advance publicity.' Perhaps, it's worth reflecting that a bit of common sense is in order from everyone when it comes to this particular subject. If you know something about a forthcoming Doctor Who episode that others may not, then possibly, you may want to think about being a bit euphemistic in what you're saying publicly about the subject or, clearly signposting that spoilers are ahoy and. if you don't wish to know the score, look away now. But, if you don't know, then it might be an idea to avoid Facebook (and, indeed, most other social media platforms) until you've seen the episode in question. That way, everybody wins.
Of course, this brings up the knotty question of what, exactly, constitutes 'a spoiler' and, at what point it ceases to be one. Extreme example, Agatha Christie published the novel Murder On The Orient Express in January 1934. The story had a very singular climax when revealing who, actually, done the said murdering on the titular train. Forty years after the novel was released, Sidney Lumet's star-studded, Oscar-winning movie adaptation came out. In subsequent years there have been at least two major TV adaptations - one in 2001, starring Alfred Molina, another in 2010 with David Suchet - plus, of course, Kenneth Brannagh's hugely successful 2017 movie remake. So, at what point, exactly, does it become not a spoiler to say, as this blogger is now going to, 'they all did it'?! As I say, that's an extreme example, but this blogger had heard seemingly sensible people getting all shirty and discombobulated when discovering 'spoilers' from source texts which are decades, sometimes even centuries old. So, if you want to whinge about something spoiler-related, dear blog reader, here's a selection for you: Hamlet and Macbeth both get killed; Ebenezer Scrooge finds redemption on Christmas Day; The Murder Of Roger Ackroyd features an unreliable narrator; in The Mousetrap the policeman did it; Norman Bates' murdered Marion Crane whilst dressed as his dead mother; The Watcher was The Doctor all the time; Tracey Bond gets killed on her wedding day; Malcolm Crowe was dead all along; the passengers of Oceanic Airlines Flight 815 are all dead and on their way to Heaven; Who shot Mister Burns? The baby done it. There, if you want to get annoyed at someone for revealing spoilers, dear blog reader, at least go for someone who does it deliberately and with malice aforethought.
According to the BBC's entertainment correspondent, yer actual Lizo Mzimba in that previously mentioned BBC News article, the actor or actress who will portray the next Doctor 'should' be revealed 'in a matter of weeks.' Which will, at least, put an end to the usual tiresome media speculation about the identity of the actor or actress who'll get the gig. This statement was released in reference to Jodie Whittaker's final adventure as The Doctor in the BBC's centenary special: 'Her replacement as The Doctor is expected to be revealed in the coming weeks,' it said. The upcoming announcement could indicate that principal photography of next year's Doctor Who sixtieth anniversary special and the series beyond, with returning showrunner Russell Davies, will commence soon(ish) at Wolf Studios in Wales. The new Doctor Who is reported to be 'due' to go into pre-production, this year. The title of the feature-length Doctor Who centenary special, in which Jodie's Doctor will regenerate, has not yet been revealed but it has been described as 'an epic, emotional and a visual effects spectacular celebration of the past, present and future of Doctor Who.'
The Radio Times's latest 'how can we write close to a thousand words which say absolutely nothing?' article, Molly Moss's Doctor Who's Thasmin Twist Just Fixed The Show's Biggest Problem appeared on Monday. As usual - and as with the regular outputs of Molly's RT colleagues, Huw Fullerton and Patrick Mulkern, whinged about often in the past by this blogger - it tries hard but, ultimately, it's not really cutting it. That's Radio Times for you, dear blog reader. As we've noted previously, it used to be written and edited by adults. These days, not so much.
It was genuinely fascinating to discover whilst watching the end credits of Legend Of The Sea Devils that, seemingly, someone in the BBC credits-writing department doesn't realise there are two 'l's in 'Malcolm'. Which is useful information.
Predictably, whilst this blogger - and many of his fine fiends - very much enjoyed the episode and thought it was great, some among The Usual Suspects have been out in force on an Interweb near you whinging loudly about, you know, stuff. Mostly Chibnall. And Jodie. And ... everything else they don't like. They're quite a sight to be honest, dear blog reader. And, of course, bigly wrong in their epic wrongness. Take it from this blogger, he's a very well-known author, journalist and broadcaster and he knows what he's talking about. It is alleged.
Doctor Who writer Pete McTighe has revealed that he was set to write an episode for series thirteen of the popular, long-running family SF drama before it was scrapped due to the Covid-19 pandemic - but he's saving the idea he had 'for the future.' McTighe - whose much-trailed new Sky drama The Rising debuts this week - had previously written episodes for both series eleven and twelve (the excellent Kerblam! and the reasonably-adequate Praxeus respectively). 'I was going to come and do series thirteen,' he told National World. 'I was doing The Pact at the same time - when COVID happened, we had to move our shooting dates for The Pact, which meant that I was kind of taken out for the production period of Doctor Who. We shot The Pact series one at the same time Doctor Who was shooting,' he added. 'We were shooting, actually, in quarries next door to each other at one stage. They were in a quarry shooting the Sontaran episode [War Of The Sontarans] and we were literally over the road in the woods shooting The Pact.' Asked whether he could reveal anything about what his episode may have included, he admitted that it didn't focus on any classic monsters but responded: 'I'll hold on to it, because Doctor Who ideas are never dead. Hopefully one day I'll get to use it.'
The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) has confirmed that his new HBO series, an adaptation of The Time Traveler's Wife [sic] will debut in the US on 15 May and, in Britain, one day later.
A former EastEnders actress who shouted 'black lives don't matter' - which, you know, they do, just in case there's any doubt about the matter - outside a fish and chip restaurant has been sentenced to a community order. Katie Jarvis, who played Hayley Slater on the BBC drama from 2018 to 2019, was arrested in Southend-on-Sea, Essex in July 2020. Basildon Crown Court heard the thirty-year-old 'got into a dispute' with a group of women and, later, spat towards a bouncer. Jarvis, of Rainham, admitted racially aggravated harassment and common assault on Tuesday. Patrick Harte, mitigating, claimed that Jarvis was 'sorry' and she 'maintains she didn't physically assault anyone that day.' He said she was 'sorry to the people who heard her use the awful language on that day and to Mister Groom the doorman, who was simply doing his job.' Harte said Jarvis 'drinks very rarely' and on the day in question 'had been in London - she had a number of successful interviews for films. She was celebrating,' he added.
Steve Coogan has said that a TV drama in which he plays Filthy Albino Kiddie-Fiddler Jimmy Savile is 'walking a tightrope' but will 'vindicate itself' when it reaches screens. Though, that isn't likely to stop the Daily Scum Mail from having a right whinge about it, especially as it's a BBC production. Coogan will be seen later this year as the late serial abuser in The Reckoning. 'People have a sort of revulsion about the idea of even making it,' the actor told Radio 5Live. 'But in actual fact, it's a mistake to think that the best way to deal with something is to not talk about it.' In The Reckoning, Coogan will transform into the disgraced and disgraceful Savile, who preyed on hundreds of people - mostly vulnerable young females - whilst he was one of the UK's most high-profile TV and radio personalities. And, a close personal fiend of several leading politicians. The BBC has said the mini-series will examine how Savile 'used his celebrity and powerful connections to conceal his wrongdoings and to hide in plain sight.' It will also 'examine the impact his appalling crimes had on his victims,' producers have claimed. Whether it will examine Savile's sickeningly disgusting friendship with former Prime Minister That Awful Thatcher Woman, we don't yet know.
People using self-driving cars will be allowed to watch television on built-in screens under proposed updates to the Highway Code. The changes will say drivers 'must be ready to take back control' of vehicles when prompted, the government said. The first use of self-driving technology is likely to be when travelling at slow speeds on motorways, such as in congested traffic. However, using mobile phones while driving will remain illegal even though watching telly isn't. No self-driving cars are currently allowed on UK roads, but the first vehicles capable of driving themselves could be ready for use later this year, the Department for Transport said. The planned changes to the code are expected to come in over the summer. The updates, proposed following public consultation, were described as 'an interim measure' to support the early adoption of the technology and a full regulatory framework is planned to be implemented by 2025. They will also lay out that users of self-driving cars will not be responsible for crashes. Instead insurance companies, not individuals, will be liable for claims 'in most circumstances,' the DfT said.
This blogger would like to wish all of From The North's dear blog readers a jolly happy Saint George's Day. And, an extremely happy Saint Ringo's Day too.
Twenty six years ago this very week, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping was stood about twenty rows from the front on the pitch at Maine Road when Oasis dropped an effin' atom bomb on the gaff. It remains, still to this day, one of the five or six best gigs that this blogger ever went to. 'Where were you while we were getting high?'
That same day, as it happens - Wednesday, 27 April - will also be the ninth anniversary of the death of this blogger's mother. The following day will be the thirty first anniversary of the death of this blogger's father. Obviously, as a consequence, around this time each year, this blogger tends to be somewhat consumed with memories of them both and the significant way in which they helped to shape the course of his life. So, this latest From The North bloggerisationisms update is for Tommy and Lily Topping. You did all right raising the child proper. And, you taught him to think for his very self. Something which this blog is, perhaps, the ultimate reflection thereof. Here endeth the mawkishness.
And now, dear blog reader, we turn to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's health (or lack of it) situation. To sum up for those who haven't been following the saga which seems to have been going on longer than Coronation Street: This blogger spent several weeks feeling proper poorly for reasons which no medical professional whom he consulted seemed able to discover; then, he got much worse and spent a week in hospital; he got discharged; he had some injections; he had even more injections; he recovered - somewhat - his missing-in-action appetite; he got an - at least partial - diagnosis of his issues; he had a meeting with his hospital consultant and he told anyone that was interested - and, indeed, anyone that wasn't - that he was still suffering from fatigue (among numerous other pre-existent symptoms). This week, this blogger had his latest endoscopy which occurred at the RVI on Tuesday. This one, at least, was a 'down the throat' gastroscopy as opposed to the 'up-the-Gary Glitter' malarkey which this blogger has, twice, previously had to grit his teeth and bear. This, at least, was a quicker and - marginally - less unpleasant procedure than having a not-as-small-as-you'd-think piece of plastic rammed, hard, up ones sphincter (though this blogger still wouldn't describe his most recent experience as comfortable or anything even remotely like it). This blogger was offered sedation by the hospital but that would've meant spending a night in the gaff and then finding someone to fetch Keith Telly Topping home again the following day. So, instead, he went for the alternative option, local throat anaesthetic spray. During the procedure, first they attached something to keep ones mouth open which, uncannily, resembled one of those ball-gags so popular in the BDSM community (or, ahem, so this blogger has heard). This blogger did note afterwards that there are places where you have to pay good money for that sort of thing.
The staff - Doctor Ana, Doctor Martin and, especially, Sister Allegra - were splendid and helped Keith Telly Topping through the more difficult bits of the procedure (the overwhelming urge to cough and splutter, mainly). Several gastric duodenal biopsies were taken during the procedure, the results of which this blogger will get sometime in the future but, the good news was that there were no obvious cancerous lesions or the like discovered. They did detect a 'small' hiatus hernia at the top of this blogger's stomach, for which they will be recommending to Keith Telly Topping's GP some tablets (a hiatus hernia is not curable, per se, but it is treatable - as this blogger is well aware since his late father had one). After it was all over, Keith Telly Topping then had to wait for an hour before he could a) speak properly and b) eat or drink whilst the anaesthetic wore off. So, not the best of times this blogger has ever had dear blog reader but, at the same time, hardly the worst. Somewhere in-between.
The previous day, this blogger was forced to make a, necessary, Bank Holiday Monday trip to Morrisons and ALDI for some vital supplies. It was utterly exhausting (as usual) and left this blogger feeling well-knackered, totally pure-dead shagged-out and in serious need of an afternoon lie-down. Mind you, it did have one, small - and really deserved - compensation ...
Have you ever have one of those days, dear blog reader? You know, those days. Days where life appears to be screaming at you, even by 8.30am, 'you know you shouldn't have got out of bed, today, right'?
On Wednesday morning, yer actual Keith Telly Topping managed to spill virtually an entire box of Harvest Moon Honey Hoops®™ ('breakfast with added buzzzzzzz') all over The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House kitchen floor. Though, this blogger did manage a salvage enough for us brecky at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House so it wasn't a complete disaster, just a partial one. Nevertheless, this blogger felt like, if you will, a cereal killer. Oh, suit yourselves. Once he'd finished breakfast, the vacuum cleaner was giving this blogger a - wholly anthropomorphised - look which suggested 'you're taking the piss if you think I'm cleaning all that up ...'
For us dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House later that self-same day, was home-made chorizo and salt beef curry with chestnut mushrooms, spring onions, basmati rice, black pepper and fresh garlic bread. And a nice bottle of raspberry pop to wash it all down. Then, because cooking is exhausting, this blogger needed forty winks on the sofa.
The US space agency NASA should prioritise a mission to Uranus, an influential panel of scientists says. And those guys know what they're talking about because they're, you know, 'influential.' The ice giant is the seventh planet in our Solar System - you knew that, right? - orbiting the Sun nineteen times more distantly than the Earth. It has only been visited once previously, in a brief flyby by the Voyager 2 probe in 1986. Researchers think an in-depth study of Uranus can help them better understand the many similarly sized objects now being discovered around other stars. The recommendation is made in a document published by the US National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine. Known as a 'decadal survey', it is the summation of what the American research community thinks are the big planetary science questions at this time and the space missions required to answer them. NASA has, broadly, followed the recommendations of previous National Academies reports. The last planetary decadal survey, published in 2011, had as its two top priorities a rock-collection mission to Mars, which became The Perseverance Rover, now on the surface of the Red Planet and a mission to Jupiter and its moon Europa, which is currently being prepared for launch in 2024, The Europa Clipper. Specialists who study the outer planets in our Solar System have been campaigning for a return visit to either Uranus or Neptune ever since their Voyager encounters. And the science case has only strengthened over the intervening years, proponents argue. The size-range of planets now being discovered around other stars seem to dominate in a range that's about three and four times the width of the Earth. Similar, in fact, to Uranus and Neptune. 'And that actually poses a problem for planet formation theories,' explained Professor Leigh Fletcher, who contributed to the report. 'We think we understand how something gets as big as Jupiter and we think we understand how something gets to be the size of Earth and Venus. But in the middle, in that kind of sweet spot between those end-members - we don't fully understand how a world can start to grow and grow and not just carry on to become Jupiter-mass in size. A mission to Uranus could help us answer that,' the Leicester University scientist told the BBC News website. There are favourable launch opportunities in 2031 and 2032 which would allow a spacecraft to use a gravity slingshot around Jupiter to shorten the cruise time to Uranus to a mere thirteen years. The spacecraft would go into orbit around the planet, which would preclude any observations at the more-distant Neptune. Uranus is considered an oddity compared with the other planets in the Solar System in that its axis of rotation is almost parallel with the plane of its orbit around The Sun. It's as if it has been knocked onto its side, which may well be the explanation - scientists speculate that it suffered a massive impact with another body early in its history. Uranus also has rings and plenty of moons (twenty seven at the last count). Indeed, the moons - Miranda, Ariel, Umbriel, Titania, Oberon, Cordelia et al - are quite a draw because a good many of them are likely to be ocean worlds. 'This is the idea that you've got an icy crust and then you've got some kind of liquid briny ocean down at depth that may or may not be in contact with whatever silicate rocky material is down at the bottom,' said Professor Fletcher. 'Well, all of the big five classical satellites of Uranus are thought of as being ocean world candidates. These moons could have cryo-volcanic (ice volcano) activity taking place on them.' European-based planetary researchers, like Professor Fletcher, will be hoping the European Space Agency can contribute to such a mission. NASA and ESA are frequent partners, such as on the Cassini-Huygens mission to Saturn (2004 to 2017), but their priorities and funding cycles do not always coincide. Also keen on a return mission to Uranus will, seemingly, be at least one caption-writer working for Good Day Los Angeles so that he and/or she can get creatively saucy in their work all over again.
'Even if the aliens are short, dour and sexually obsessed,' the late cosmologist Carl Sagan once mused, 'if they're here, I want to know about them.' Driven by the same mindset, a NASA-led team of international scientists has developed a new message which it proposes to beam across the galaxy in the hope of making first contact with intelligent extraterrestrials. The interstellar message, known as The Beacon In The Galaxy, opens with simple principles for communication, some basic concepts in maths and physics, the constituents of DNA and closes with information about humans, the Earth and a return address should any distant recipients be minded to reply. No Chuck Berry this time, however which will, presumably, be a huge disappointment to the aliens themselves. The group of researchers, headed by Doctor Jonathan Jiang at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, says that with technical upgrades the binary message could be broadcast into the heart of The Milky Way by the Seti Institute's Allen Telescope Array in California and the five hundred-metre Aperture Spherical Radio Telescope in China. In a preliminary paper, which has not yet been peer reviewed, the scientists recommend sending the message to a dense ring of stars near the centre of The Milky Way - a region deemed 'most promising for life' to have emerged. 'Humanity has, we contend, a compelling story to share and the desire to know of others - and now has the means to do so,' the scientists write. The message, if it ever leaves Earth, would not be the first, of course. The Beacon In The Galaxy is loosely based on the Arecibo message sent in 1974 from an observatory of the same name in Puerto Rico. That targeted a cluster of stars about twenty five thousand light years away, so it will not arrive at its intended destination any time soon. Since then, a host of messages have been beamed into the heavens including an advert for Doritos and an invitation, written in Klingon, to a Klingon Opera in The Hague. Such attempts at interstellar communication are not straightforward. The odds of an intelligent civilisation intercepting a message may be extremely low and even if contact were made, establishing a fruitful conversation could prove frustrating when a response can take tens of thousands of years to arrive back here. Aliens may not even understand the signal: as a test run for the Arecibo message, Frank Drake, its designer, posted the message to some scientific colleagues, including a number of Nobel laureates. None of them understood it. There are other concerns, too. More than a decade ago, Professor Stephen Hawking warned that humans should refrain from sending messages into space in case they attracted the wrong sort of attention. 'If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn't turn out well for the Native Americans,' he told a Discovery channel documentary. And, he was a very smart man. But Doctor Jiang and his colleagues argue that an alien species capable of communication across the cosmos may well have learned the value of peace and collaboration and humanity could have much to learn from them. 'We believe the advancements of science that can be achieved in pursuit of this task, if communication were to be established, would vastly outweigh the concerns,' they write. They blogger's only comment to Doctor Jiang is, if The Daleks turn up, don't say you weren't warned!
The DVD release of The Be-Atles' (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) Get Back documentary - directed by Peter Jackson - has been delayed. Retailers received the following notification earlier this week: 'We have just been informed by Disney that the ... title has been delayed indefinitely, due to authoring challenges.' What these 'authoring challenges' are and whether they came from Sir Paul, Sir Ringo, Yoko or Olivia is not, at this time, known. But, we can probably guess. 
Who had the finest trousers in the history of rock and/or roll, dear blog reader? Well, it had to be The Velvet Underground, didn't it? This blogger reckons that the late, great Sterling Morrison's ginger Dan Dares just about beat the late, great Lou Reed's deep blue crushed-velvet strides in the inherent coolness stakes. Bonus points, too, for Moe Tucker's tight-fitting beige units. Doug Yule? Well, the belt's quite nice. As are, clearly, his shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather ...
Miguel Almirón scored his first club goal since February 2021 as this blogger's beloved (and, now, thankfully sold) Newcastle United beat Crystal Palace to record a sixth consecutive win at St James' Park and move to forty points in the Premier League. Almirón finished magnificently from Bruno Guimarães' volleyed pass to lift Eddie Howe's Black & White Army to eleventh in the table and all but guarantee The Magpies' place in the top flight for next season. Guimarães and Allan Saint-Maximin tested Vicente Guaita in a one-sided first-half, while the impressive Joelinton sent a header looping over the crossbar not long after the interval. Palace emerged for the second-half with greater urgency and very nearly equalised when Wilfried Zaha dragged Odsonne Edouard's pass narrowly wide of Martin Dubravka's right-hand post. Zaha also sent a curling effort inches over the crossbar in the final minute of stoppage time. Patrick Vieira's side dropped to fourteenth after suffering back-to-back league defeats for the first time since the turn of the year. The last time Newcastle registered six straight top-flight victories at home was during the 2003-04 campaign - the late Sir Bobby Robson's final season in charge of the club. 'It's a great night for the football club,' Howe told Sky Sports afterwards. 'You can forget how hard it's been to get us into this position now. We have to look back with great satisfaction. You can very quickly forget where we were and where we've come from this season. It's been great to see the team move forward and develop.' Considering the position Newcastle were in when Howe took over from Mister Brucie (nasty to see him, to see him, nasty) in November - nineteenth in the table and five points from safety - reaching forty points with five games to spare must go down as a magnificent achievement. Many whingers will point to The Magpies' January outlay of more than ninety million knicker as the chief reason behind their march up the table, but that is a crass oversimplification. Howe has had to make do without England full-back Kieran Trippier - whom the Newcastle boss described as 'inspirational' following an impressive start to life on Tyneside - and last season's top scorer Callum Wilson through injury, while the talismanic Saint-Maximin has been frustratingly inconsistent since returning to fitness in March. Others have stepped into the breach, of course - chief among them former Lyon midfielder Guimarães, who was heavily involved in the game's only goal. The Brazilian's looping ball over the Palace defence was collected in his stride by Almirón, who darted into the penalty area from the right before directing a sublime finish into the top corner - his first Newcastle goal since scoring twice in a 3three-two win over Southampton more than fourteen months ago. It was a richly deserved opener for the home side, who dominated midfield in the first-half in particular and restricted Palace to just one tame Edouard effort before the interval. Palace improved after half-time and pinned the home side back in the closing stages, but other than Zaha's two efforts off target they rarely looked like leaving St James' Park with a share of the spoils.
Now extremely former President Mister Rump's former personal lawyer, ex-mayor of New York and certified twenty four carat loon Rudy Giuliani has been unmasked as a contestant on the American version of the TV show The Masked Singer. That performance led one of the show's judges, comedian Ken Jeong, to walk off, saying: 'I'm done.' Giuliani, one of Rump's key allies when - falsely - claiming erection fraud in 2020, was identified as the personality inside the Jack in the Box costume. After being unmasked, he then sang the George Thorogood song 'Bad To The Bone'. Seemingly, no one considered having him sing The Clash's 'Rudie Can't Fail'. An opportunity missed, dare one suggest. He is a controversial figure for his role in promoting the - baseless - claim that Rump really won the 2020 US presidential erection. Which, just in case you're wondering, he didn't. Not even close. Last June, Giuliani had his law licence extremely suspended in New York for making 'demonstrably false and misleading' claims about the erection. He also spoke at the rally before the storming of the Capitol in Washington in January 2021, encouraging protesters to 'have trial by combat.' US entertainment magazine Variety said his casting was the FOX show's 'worst decision yet.' Columnist Daniel D'Addario wrote: 'Treating Giuliani as a plaything for our culture, albeit one who has made some controversial choices, is not a matter of policy disagreement, or of being a bit too grave about the lighter side of the news. Fox gave time and attention to a powerful figure who would have, if given his way, put the last nail in the coffin of democracy in this country.' Asked why he agreed to appear, Giuliani told host Nick Cannon: 'I guess the main reason is I just had a granddaughter, Grace and I want her to know that you should try everything, even things that are completely unlike you and unlikely. I couldn't think of anything more unlike me and unlikely than this. I enjoy the show and I have for years and it just seemed like it would be fun, and I don't get to have a lot of fun.' He's not the first political figure to appear on the programme. Former failed vice-presidential candidate - and another certified twenty four carat loon - Sarah Palin appeared as Bear in 2020.
Meanwhile, now extremely former President Mister Rump has claimed he did not 'storm out' of an interview with Oily Twat Piers Morgan, instead claiming that the vile and odious presenter 'misleadingly' edited a video of their meeting to 'create a buzz' around Morgan's ghastly new show. A short clip released on Wednesday to promote talkTV, the new billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch-owned TV station, gave the impression that the now extremely former US president walked out of an interview with Morgan in anger at the tough line of questioning. The Murdoch-owned Sun and New York Post tabloids ran front-page news stories on the supposed 'bust-up' as part of a carefully planned global marketing strategy for Morgan's new show, which launches on Monday.
A major Conservative Party donor was listed as a director of a company secretly owned by a Russian oligarch close to Vladimir Putin (and his really small penis). The BBC has seen a document - dated 2006 - and signed Lubov Golubeva, the maiden name of Lubov Chernukhin, a Tory donor. Chernukhin says that she 'does not recall consenting in writing' to being a director of Suleiman Kerimov's firm. Kerimov, now sanctioned, previously denied any connection with Mrs Chernukhin. Papers seen by the BBC appear to show that Chernukhin, then Lubov Golubeva, was appointed as a director of offshore company Radlett Estates Limited, in 2005 - following its acquisition of a substantial property in Radlett Place, North London. Another firm - Swiru Holding AG - was, the BBC allege, the sole shareholder of Radlett Estates. The directors of Radlett Estates were Swiss businessman Alexander Studhalter and Suleiman Kerimov's nephew, Nariman Gadzhiev. Studhalter was accused in a French court of being a so-called 'straw man', or proxy, for Kerimov - involved in hiding the oligarch's wealth. Radlett Estates had planned to demolish the building and construct a new home on the site. According to architects' plans, there was to be a cinema, a health spa and gym, indoor swimming pool, a map room, six bedrooms and a 'six-car motorised garage and large staff quarters.' Kerimov and his wife were not listed as directors of Radlett Estates and their names were not on the planning documents. But one designer's website identified the clients as 'Mister and Mrs K.' In 2007, Golubeva married Vladimir Chernukhin - a multimillionaire businessman who had served under Vlad The Small as a junior minister, but later fled Russia. The same year, she started giving money to the Conservative Party - initially in five thousand knicker donations under her maiden name. As time went on, the donations - in her married name - became much, much bigger. She would end up becoming one of the Tory party's most influential donors - having given more than two million quid. The discovery of the evidence suggesting a business connection between Mrs Chernukhin and Kerimov follows questions in Parliament about her and her links to Russia. This was despite Mrs Chernukhin's condemnation of 'Russian military aggression in Ukraine' where she called for 'the strongest possible sanctions against Putin's regime and its enablers.' Earlier this month, the BBC - as part of The Pandora Papers Russia Project with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists and global partners - revealed how Suleiman Kerimov has been hiding his wealth. Vladimir Chernukhin was in the Russian government between 2000 and 2002. He was then appointed chairman of a state bank by Putin, but left Russia in 2004. However, in a 2018 court case, his wife claimed that Chernukhin had maintained 'excellent' relationships with 'prominent members of the Russian establishment.' Chernukhin said that he arrived in the UK with a fortune of two hundred and thirty million smackers and started building 'a real estate empire.' Both he and his wife are now UK citizens - which means she is entitled to donate to a political party. In February, she was reported to be a member of a small 'advisory board' of major donors with access to senior party members, including the Prime Minister.
CNN's new owner says it will close the US-based news channel's streaming service just a month after it launched. Warner Bros Discovery says it will issue refunds to subscribers after the service is shut down on 30 April. The head of CNN+ has extremely resigned and hundreds more workers could be at risk of losing their jobs. This week, fifty billion bucks was wiped off the stock market value of streaming giant Netflix after it revealed a sharp fall in subscribers. CNN+ was launched on 29 March in an attempt to bring in revenues from news streaming subscriptions. The company spent as much as three hundred million dollars on developing the service but it got off to a slow start, attracting just ten thousand viewers per day, according to reports. Earlier this month, WBD became CNN's parent company with the completion of the merger of media company Discovery and telecom giant AT&T. Chris Licht, the incoming chief executive of CNN, said the business 'will be strongest as part of WBD's streaming strategy which envisions news as an important part of a compelling broader offering along with sports, entertainment, and nonfiction content. We have therefore made the decision to cease operations of CNN+,' Licht said in a statement. Discovery's streaming boss JB Perrette said the firm was searching for a 'more sustainable business model to drive our future investments in great journalism and storytelling.' As part of the shake-up, Andrew Morse, who helped to drive CNN's streaming strategy, will leave the company. Forthwith if not sooner. Hundreds of CNN+ employees have also been given ninety days to secure a job in other parts of the company, CNN reported. Those who fail to do so will receive a severance package of at least six months pay, it said. It comes after streaming giant Netflix reported a plunge in subscribers in the first three months of the year. On Tuesday, Netflix said that the number of households using its streaming service fell by two hundred thousand as it faced 'stiff competition' from rivals. The platform also warned shareholders another two million subscribers were likely to leave in the three months to July. After the announcement, the company's New York-listed shares slumped by more than a third, wiping fifty billion notes off its stock market valuation.
Sir David Attenborough has been named 'Champion Of The Earth' by the UN's Environment Programme. The previous holder of the title - Doctor John Smith of Totters Lane, Shoreditch - was said to be 'shocked and stunned' by this malarkey and demanded a recount.
The Large Hardon Colluder (or, 'The Black Hole Machine' according to Mad Frankie Boyle) has been switched on again after a period of inactivity for repairs. Caused by someone reversing the polarity of the neutron flow. Or something. So, dear blog reader, if you - or anyone you know - disappears into The Gaping Jaws of Infinity any time soon, you know the probable source.
Anglo-Saxon kings were 'mostly vegetarian' before the Vikings settled, according to new studies. How can anyone be 'mostly vegetarian'? You either are, or you aren't, there's very little middle ground. Cambridge University researchers analysed more than two thousand skeletons and found elites ate no more meat than other social groups. One study also suggested peasants occasionally hosted lavish meat feasts for their rulers. Researchers said the findings overturned major assumptions about early medieval English history. Cambridge University bioarchaeologist Sam Leggett drew her conclusions after analysing chemical signatures of diets preserved in the bones of two thousand and twenty three people buried in England from the fifth to eleventh Centuries. She then cross-referenced these with evidence for social status such as grave goods, body position and grave orientation and found no correlation between social status and high protein diets. The findings surprised Cambridge University historian Tom Lambert, because so many medieval texts and historical studies suggested that Anglo-Saxon elites did eat large quantities of meat. The pair worked together to decipher royal food lists and discovered similar patterns of servings - like a modest amount of bread, a huge amount of meat, a decent but not excessive quantity of ale and no mention of vegetables, although some probably were served. Lambert said: 'The scale and proportions of these food lists strongly suggests that they were provisions for occasional grand feasts, and not general food supplies sustaining royal households on a daily basis.'
A man has been fined after being filmed kicking a hedgehog several times. Footage of David Herring, of Sudbury, in Suffolk, kicking the poor animal several times in November last year, was sent to the RSPCA. They said the hedgehog was kicked with 'considerable force,' causing 'pain and fear,' with Herring showing a 'clear disregard for a wild animal.' At Colchester Magistrates' Court he admitted causing unnecessary suffering and was fined two hundred and seventy seven notes. Herring was also ordered to pay three hundred quid costs and a thirty four knicker victim surcharge. Although how much of that will actually find its was to the victim in this particular case is, legitimately, questionable. Images caught on camera showed him moving the hedgehog from a doorway and kicking it several times out of a driveway of a property in Sudbury. In mitigation, the court heard Herring was of previous good character, that he had had a heart attack within the last year and had been 'under stress.' His legal team also claimed, somewhat implausibly, that Herring had 'initially believed' the hedgehog was a rat.
Rebekah Vardy attempted to sell a story about the arrest of the footballer Danny Drinkwater to the Sun newspaper – only to be turned down because the tabloid had already been leaked the story by an individual at the police station, the high court has heard. The claim emerged as part of Vardy's ongoing 'Wagatha Christie' libel battle against fellow footballer's wife Coleen Rooney, who publicly accused Vardy of leaking her private information to the tabloid. Drinkwater, a former teammate of Vardy's husband, Jamie, at Leicester City, was arrested for drink-driving after crashing his Range Rover in early 2019. Before the incident became public, Mrs Vardy was already sending WhatsApp messages to her agent, Caroline Watt, to tell her what had happened and suggest they sell the story. Vardy told her agent: 'Story. Danny Drinkwater arrested [...] Crashed his car drunk with two girls in it, both in hospital one with broken ribs.' After clarifying a few details about the car and the location, Vardy added: 'I want paying for this.' Within two minutes, Watt said that she had sent the story to Sun journalist Andy Halls, whom she said 'replied immediately' that the tabloid already knew because 'someone leaked it from police station.' Drinkwater was later banned from driving for almost two years. The disclosure is the latest in a series of messages that have been made public as part of the ongoing legal case, which is due to go to a week-long trial at the start of May. Rooney, the wife of former England footballer Wayne Rooney (now manager of recently relegated Derby County), argues that Vardy 'systematically' leaked information to the Sun and had 'extensive contact' with its scum journalists. The libel case will hinge on whether Rooney can prove that it was Vardy who was, personally, responsible for leaking any stories from her private Instagram page to the Sun. In a ruling on Thursday, Mrs Justice Steyn handed a partial victory to Vardy's legal team, ordering the removal of certain elements of Rooney's evidence. Among the claims deleted from Rooney's witness statement was a section which alleged Vardy 'was also actively participating in leaking private information about other individuals to the Sun.' The judge also turned down a request by Rooney's lawyers to search the phones of a number of Sun journalists for potential communications with Vardy and Watt. She branded this 'a fishing expedition' but made an exception for details of messages with Halls, who was involved in some of the disputed stories. The court heard that in 2019 Halls declared that Vardy 'has never provided any story or information to me.' 'WhatsApp messages disclosed as part of the legal filings suggest Vardy and Watt regularly discussed journalists at the Sun,' according to some Middle Class hippy Communist vegan quiche eater at the Gruniad Morning Star. At one point Vardy says she is 'concerned' that Rooney has blocked her on Instagram after stories appeared in the media. In response, the agent says 'I wouldn't tell anyone but the Sun' and Rooney can't 'fucking prove anything though and if she wants to think that then fuck her.' Watt said she had been in touch with Halls about the incident: 'I messaged him and he said absolutely not and he never would say what his source was.' In November 2018 Watt also told Vardy to 'look out' for Sun z-list celebrity journalist, Amy Brookbanks, at an event and 'make a point of saying hello' because the reporter 'always writes nice stories, does whatever I ask her and gets stories changed that she hasn't even written.' Vardy no longer intends to call Watt as a witness at the trial, claiming that the agent is 'suffering from ill health.' Despite this, Watt has still received substantial attention after it was disclosed in a pre-trial hearing that she 'accidentally' dropped her phone in the North Sea after a request was made to search it. Vardy has also, she claims, 'struggled' to access her own WhatsApp messages after her IT expert 'lost the password' to her back-up files. And, all of this complete and utter bollocks constitutes 'news', apparently. Does anyone else hate The Modern World and every single, sodding, worthless aspect of it? Just this blogger, then?
A woman who got stuck vertically upside down behind a sofa in a Tyneside restaurant has been telling Tyne Tees News how her brunch 'took an unexpected turn.' Lindsay Clark was celebrating her friend Julie Jackson's birthday at the Twelve Twenty Five Restaurant on North Shields Fish Quay when she got wedged upside down. At the time she was attempting to retrieve a jacket which had fallen down the back of a sofa when she 'lost her footing' and ended up head-first behind the furniture for about ten minutes. During that time two employees of the restaurant attempted to free Lindsay by tugging on each leg. But, they failed. Lindsay said 'I knew they were all videoing us, but it was when I was wedged in I was like, "What the hell's going on?" Then when they mentioned the fire brigade, that's when I was panicking, like "God this is going to be so embarrassing."' She continued: 'Thank God for the jumpsuit. I possibly wouldn't have jumped over if I had a dress on. I just didn't think! I tried to grab [the jacket] and it slipped out my hand and obviously I couldn't stop myself, but once I been stuck in it I've obviously tensed myself up and that's obviously how I've wedged myself.' Despite going viral, Lindsay says she is not too embarrassed to go back to Twelve Twenty Five. Only in North Shields, dear blog reader.
The winner of the latest From The North Headline Of The Week award goes to Sussex World for Reader Letter: Chichester Has Enough Pizza Restaurants.
And now, dear blog reader, 'things that make you go ... sorry? Could you run that one by me again?' Number one.
Followed, inevitably, by yet another new semi-regular From The North featurette, 'The Hottest Thing On Two Wheels.' Number one: Teri Garr on a Raleigh Chopper.
Number two: Angie Dickenson on a Piaggio Vespa. Nice rear-end.
Finally, dear blog reader, one has to wonder if these two cheeky young scamps who used bob-a-job week in 1972 as an excuse to look up Caroline Munro's mini-skirt are regular viewers of The Cellar Club in 2022. One sincerely hopes so - especially as Talking Pictures had both And Soon, The Darkness and Cry Of The Banshee on this week.

Sunday, April 17, 2022

The Green-Eyed Monster Which Doth Mock The Meat It Feeds On

'She killed my father and she released a demon.' So, Legend Of The Sea Devils then, dear blog reader. Do you know what? This blogger thought that was bloody great. No surprise there, clearly. This blogger is nothing if not as predictable-as-ever.
'That's the trouble with history, never the same as the books. Same with Stephen King movies!' The episode was, as expected, a right rip-roaring rollercoaster of high-sea shenanigans with rough-tough sailors tossing in their hammocks. Or something. Wor Geet Canny Jodie's second-to-last Doctor Who adventure ticked the majority of the boxes that it was expected to and, indeed, that it needed to. It was a load of not-too-serious fun (Doctor Who does Pirates Of The Caribbean, in essence) and it worked on that level and a couple of other levels too.
'We've crossed paths once or twice.' For their third appearance in Doctor Who - and first since 1984 - the titular aquatic reptiles were fantastically redesigned. Chibnall and Ella Road's script was decent enough with plenty of action and some good dialogue ('Oi, fins off!') with Jodie herself getting most of the best lines ('You're not the same as the other Land Crawlers.' 'Correct, I crawled in from a different land'). And it was gorgeously shot by Haolu Wang. We had swordfights, ghost ships, magical crystals, moral and relationship dilemmas, properly fine special effects and gloriously bonkers technobabble. And the final scene was just perfect ('I wish this would go on forever'). To sum up, then, this blogger thought it was great.
In the lead-up to the episode's broadcast, barely a day went by without the Radio Times - which used to be a quality magazine when it was written by and run by adults - managing to churn out yet another Doctor Who-related story. Some of them were rather good, admittedly, like a link to the BBC Media Centre's in-depth preview of the episode, featuring interviews with The Chib, Jodie, Mandip and Bish.
Others were suitably informative and revelatory, like a piece which described just how close Chibnall and Jodie came to leaving the series two years ago as the effects of the pandemic threatened to completely derail production on what eventually became last year's six-part Flux storyline. 'We had to ditch our original idea and I had to write a new script in just over a week,' Chibnall whinged (not unreasonably). 'You can't just go, "Right, we've got the series and then we'll do the specials." You're constantly on this treadmill.' The full text of Chib's extensive interview with Robin Parker can be read here.
And then there were those - many, many - 'articles' which were either a) unadulterated - second-hand - diarrhoea, b) speculative nonsense designed purely to fill pages and/or elicit page-clicks on the Radio Times website or, c) both. Take, for instance, this piece of nothing, based on a couple of stray comments made by Jodie Whittaker and John Bishop in - separate - interviews about the forthcoming regeneration episode which had a headline that was writing a cheque the accompanying story couldn't possibly hope to cash. Or, this something-over-nothing 'exclusive' in which Chibnall said he expects Russell Davies to 'ignore' all of Chib's changes to Doctor Who's history when Big Rusty takes over showrunning duties. Something which Big Rusty has got far too much class to even consider doing. Or, indeed, this ... thing (this blogger is struggling to work out exactly what the point of this 'article' is supposed to be). Sweet baby Jeebus, dear blog reader, does anyone else remember when the Radio Times's alleged Doctor Who specialist, That There Huw Fullerton, wrote something which was actually a piece of properly-researched journalism? No, this blogger neither, he's only fifty eight after all. And as for Patrick Mulkern's 'I knew who The Sea Devils were in the 1970s, you younglings didn't' 'review' of the episode ... Frankly, dear blog reader, words fail this blogger. Which is something that rarely (if ever) happens.
Mind you, dear blog reader, let it not be presumed that cruddy, one-dimensional, local paper-style journalism concerning Doctor Who-related stories are a new thing. Here, for example, is a recently rediscovered 1976 piece from the Bishopbriggs Times about then then-teenage Doctor Who fan Peter Capaldi and his brushes with Mister Pertwee, Lis Sladen and Good Old Mad Tom.
Last year, dear blog reader, the very lovely author and editor Stacey Smith asked yer actual Keith Telly Topping if he would like to contribute something by way of an episode review to ATB Publishing's forthcoming Outside In Walks With Fire: Fifty Five New Perspectives on Fifty Five Twin Peaks Stories by Fifty Five Writers (which is due out around June, apparently). Which Keith Telly Topping did. And, it seemed to go down adequately since this week, this blogger has been asked to do something for the same publisher's Outside In Regenerates: One Hundred & Sixty New Perspectives On One Hundred & Sixty Classic Doctor Who Stories By One Hundred & Sixty Writers. This blogger bit his lip concerning his utter loathing for the term 'classic' in this context since, as far as Keith Telly Topping is concerned, Doctor Who 1963 to 2022, it's all the same popular, long-running family SF drama and it's all classic! It's this blogger's issue, dear blog reader, he'll try to deal with it in his own unique way. And, probably, fail. Anyway, Keith Telly Topping was agreeable to this request and only went and nabbed his favourite ever Doctor Who story - The Aztecs - to witter on about, wrote approximately one thousand words in far less time than it should have taken him (though, to be fair, he used to be quite good at this authoring lark. Sometime last century) and he has, since, had word back that they rather liked it.
So, that's this blogger's way of proving that From The North isn't his sole creative outlet these days. Of course, he did also contribute to 2015's You & Who Else and 2019's Me & The Starman just to demonstrate that he can still rough up an article/review/think-piece when the mood takes him or someone asks him. Nicely. Keith Telly Topping, dear blog readers, thoroughly available for publication commissions. And, also weddings, funerals, bah-mitzvahs et cetera ...
Also this week, this blogger thought he might as well take the opportunity to post the now-famous The Young Doctors image once more onto his Facebook page before it needs changing again. Which seemed popular with this blogger's dear Facebook fiends judging from the comments he received.
For anyone wondering, the list goes as follows: Thirties Matinee Idol; Bela Lugosi, Master Seaman Pertwee; Noël Coward; The keyboard player in Hawkwind; Seventies porn star; Brian Clough; A member of Top-Pop-Combo Jo Boxers; Serial killer; Anxious 1990s New Labour MP in a marginal seat; Patrick Troughton, seemingly; Err ... Matt Smith; Knitwear model; Wor Geet Canny Jodie. Though, for the sake of completeness, it's probably necessary to add numbers fifteen to nineteen (see below). And, don't get this blogger started on the issue of the faces seen in The Brain Of Morbius, dear blog reader, or we'll be here all night.
This blogger seems to only be watching Picard episodes in multiples of two these days (his own choice, let it be noted, no one's forcing him to do it that way). The Gala episode - Two Of One - was a rather good miniature Mission: Impossible movie and gorgeous to look at (mostly due to Alison Pill's astonishingly impressive cleavage. She's definitely got a couple of big things going for her, that lady). The Jean-Luc's Dangerous Mind/Mommy Issues episode - Monsters - though ... Well, positives first, guest-star James Callis was properly terrific in it. But, the plot meandered all over the place and, often, not in a remotely good way (as 'dream episodes' can tend to do). This blogger did enjoy the last five minutes, though, even if there was nowhere near enough of Agnes's chest on display.
Good Friday saw a welcome showing of the great Carry On Screaming on ITV3. Featuring one future Doctor, two almost-but-not-quite Doctors and the greatest bit of comedy blackboard writing in the history of blackboard written comedy. Bar none.
Then, there was Sunday's showing of Where Eagles Dare on ITV4. Because, nothing commemorates the sacrifice and martyrdom of Our Lord like Richard and Clint moving down half the Wehrmacht with machine guns, does it?
This week, in actual fact, started rather oddly for this blogger with a distinctly queer Sunday in so many ways. Albeit, it was a day which could be viewed as somewhat atypical of this blogger's average day at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House since he got out of hospital: Woke really early due to ongoing insomnia issues (see below for more on this), watched the Australian Grand Prix, had cereal for breakfast, did the weekly washing, took the vacuum cleaner over the front room, got fatigued, had a nap, woke up, had eggs and bacon for us dinner, got fatigued again, had another nap, had a bath and by about 6pm this blogger was utterly exhausted and, frankly, ready for his pit. Most days are not wholly dissimilar to this (except for the bit about the Grand Prix, obviously).
On Wednesday, this blogger attended a family funeral at The Crem on the West Road (which, movie fans my enjoy knowing featured, albeit briefly, in Get Carter). Keith Telly Topping seems to have reached that age, dear blog reader, where he is attending more funerals than weddings and christenings put together these days. It was a beautiful - humanist - service but a very sad occasion, obviously.
On Tuesday, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping enjoyed a rare - dare one suggest, these days almost unique - afternoon social engagement; a geet lush and mad-sexy luncheonette with his good fiend Young Malcolm (one of only a handful of people this blogger knows with a greater knowledge of British horror movies and archive TV than Keith Telly Topping his very self). The event was made slightly less enjoyable by this blogger getting soaked right through to his vest on the way home due to a downpour of quasi-biblical proportions. At least, that's his story and he's sticking to it. But the meal, itself, at this blogger's current favourite restaurant in the whole wide world, bar none, the Little Asia on Stowell Street, was proper-excellent. The main course, in particular - this blogger went for King Prawn Curry with Egg-Fried Rice - was, needless to say, really deserved.
Young Malcolm and this blogger also made tentative arrangements to meet up again shortly - probably sometime in the next couple of weeks, this blogger's health and several forthcoming medical appointments notwithstanding - to see Operation Mincemeat, a movie with a subject matter which fascinates both of us. It's a film with a great cast - including several From The North favourites like Matthew Macfadyen, Kelly Macdonald, Mark Gatiss and Hello To Jason Isaacs - which has been getting fine reviews (and, a grudgingly sniffy one from some slaphead of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star). So this blogger is looking forward to seeing it and to deciding if it's as good as the previous movie adaptation of the same events, 1956's excellent The Man Who Never Was.
This blogger is not sure whether one is actually allowed to eat-of-the-meat on a Good Friday or whether it should be a strict diet of chocolate eggs in memory of Our Lord and his affinity with bunnies. Or Something. Much less, whether tea and buttered toast is allowed. Nevertheless, another Breakfast At Morrisons-type malarkey occurred on this particular Good Friday.
Of course, what Our Lord, his very holy self makes of all this chocolate bunnies-type malarkey is not, at this time, known. Oh, hang on dear blog reader, this just in ...
And, indeed, this.
From Our Lord to Richard Osman who is reported to be leaving the hit BBC quiz show Pointless, the corporation has confirmed. The fifty one-year-old has appeared on the show since 2009, filming more than thirteen hundred episodes across almost thirty series. But in recent years, he has had to juggle his TV commitments with writing his successful Thursday Murder Club series of crime novels. Host Alexander Armstrong (the Andrew Ridgley of the operation) will remain on Pointless and Osman will continue to appear on its z-list celebrity spin-off. Osman will also continue to present his own - really extremely irritating - BBC2 show House Of Games.
And now, dear blog reader, 'surprise casting decision for Bill & Ted remake shocks fans ...'
Boris Johnson's - really funny - fine for breaching lockdown rules is the 'most severe constitutional crisis involving a Prime Minister,' a historian has claimed. He added: 'See that Boris Johnson. He's toast, he is.' Probably. History of government 'expert' Lord Hennessy told the BBC that Bashing Boris had 'broken the law' (kind of implicit in him getting fined, this blogger would've said), 'misled Parliament' (which Bashing Boris denies and will, in all likelihood, attempt to weasel his way out of by claiming he believed what he was telling fellow MPs was true, even though it - clearly - wasn't) and 'shredded the ministerial code.' Speaking after news of the fine was announced, Johnson said people 'had the right to expect better' from him. No shit, Sherlock? You're the Prime Minister - it might be an idea to start acting like it. Johnson has since said it 'did not occur' to him at the time that the 'brief' gathering in the Cabinet Room to mark his birthday in June 2020 could be in contravention of Covid lockdown rules. But, it was. He is known to have attended at least two further events of the twelve currently being investigated by Plod, meaning he could, potentially, be fined again. Twice. One - anonymous and, therefore, possibly fictitious - Downing Street aide, who witnessed many of the events under investigation, snitched to the BBC News website that the birthday party was 'the least serious' gathering, in terms of potential rule-breaking, that Johnson attended. The Prime Minister reportedly intends to 'update' MPs on the fine after they return from their Easter break on Tuesday. Opposition parties are investigating ways to hold him to account for what they see as misleading statements to Parliament and naughty, law-breaking ways. Well, good luck with that. Hennessy said: 'I think we're in the most severe constitutional crisis involving a Prime Minister that I can remember.' He added when Johnson and Rishi Sunak were fined on Tuesday, he wrote in his diary: 'Tuesday 12 April 2022 will be forever remembered as a dark bleak day for public and political life' and the Prime Minister had become 'the great debaser in modern times of decency in public and political life and of our constitutional conventions.' What Johnson wrote in his diary is not, at this time, known (given that he was educated at Eton, it is not entirely certain that he can write at all) but it may well have been similar to Captain Darling's note on discovering that he was being sent over-the-top by General Melchett. 'The Prime Minister sealed his place in British history as the first lawbreaker to have occupied the premiership,' Hennessy wrote. Well, the first law-breaker to actually get caught, at least. He said Johnson had turned his position into 'an adventure playground for his narcissistic vanity.' And, this is 'news' how, exactly? He's always done that. Lord Hennessy accused the Prime Minister of having 'broken the law, misled Parliament and has, in effect, shredded the ministerial code' when he 'should be the guardian of the code.' The Prime Minister is under intense pressure to justify why he previously told MPs that rules in Downing Street 'were followed at all times.' When they, clearly, were not or anything even remotely like it. Opposition MPs have accused him of misleading the House of Commons, which they say would break the ministerial code and be a resigning offence. And, also, being a mad-haired buffoon with shit-for-brains. Which may or may not be true but it's a subject which is at least worthy of debate in the public arena. Lord Hennessy said Johnson's decision not to resign immediately upon being fined by The Fuzz for his naughty law-breaking ways showed 'complete and utter disdain for the decency of our constitutional conventions.' And, again, this constitutes 'news', apparently. He also criticised ministers defending Johnson's conduct on the airwaves and their use of the situation in Ukraine to argue that there should not be a leadership contest at this time by saying they 'cannot ignore the decency of your own system.' But, they can and they will unless forced to do otherwise. Not by public revulsion (there's plenty of that about but it, seemingly, matters not-a-sod to most Tories) but, rather by their own backbenchers suddenly realising that Johnson has become an erection liability in much the same way as That Awful Thatcher Woman who was, amusingly, stabbed in the back in 1990. Hell hath no fury like a Conservative MP with a slim majority and a general erection on the horizon. Hennessy added: 'The Queen's First Minister is now beyond doubt a rogue Prime Minister, unworthy of her, her Parliament, her people and her kingdom.' Yeah, pretty much. 'I cannot remember a day when I have been more fearful for the well-being of the constitution. It's an assault on not just the decent state of mind which keeps our society open and clean but also on the institutions of the state. If he's not prepared to do the decent thing ... why should anybody else behave decently and properly? The whole decency of our public life turns on this question.'
Senior Tories have, reportedly, 'warned' that traditional supporters are abandoning the party after Boris Johnson's Partygate fine, as another MP broke cover to say the Prime Minister should be removed over his conduct. Mind you, this is according to the Gruniad Morning Star so this blogger wouldn't advise anyone take this as gospel. Conservative MPs across the country, the Gruniad claim, said they believed many people who had backed the party in the past were now 'raising concerns,' with Downing Street braced for further fixed-penalty notices relating to parties in the coming days. Writing in the Gruniad's sister paper, the equally Middle Class hippy Communist vegan quiche-eating Observer, former immigration minister Caroline Nokes said that she was sticking with her decision to submit a letter of no confidence in the Prime Minister. But, he's gaffer-taped his large ass to his chair in the Cabinet Room and he's not going anywhere, it would seem. So, what are you gonna do about it, Caroline? Stage a palace coup? Go on, then, give it your best shot and let us all know how you got on. The Conservative Party, meanwhile, have, apparently, issued a statement in which they blame all of their, many, current problems on 'the actions of a simple-minded oaf.' When informed of this, Bashing Boris was heard to reply: 'It's nice of the chaps to blame everything on an oaf, but I can't help feeling I'm partly to blame.'
Meanwhile, Russia has banned Prime Minister - and criminal - Bashing Boris Johnson and other senior ministers from entering Russia over the UK's 'hostile' stance on Vlad The Small's war with Ukraine. Now, why didn't someone in this country think about imposing a similar sanction on Bashing Boris to keep him out of our lives? Foreign Secretary Liz Truss, Defence Secretary Ben Wallace and ten other senior politicians - mostly members of the Cabinet - have also been barred. Not that any of them were planning on going to Russia any time soon, of course. So, really, it's about as effective an announcement as all the 'Putin - and his really small penis - are guilty of war crimes' hand-wringing from Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star-reading vegan quiche-eaters when there is sod-all chance of Vlad The Small - and his really small penis - ever, actually, standing trial for his alleged sick and genocidal crimes against humanity. Moscow said that the decision to ban Bashing Boris from darkening their door again had been made 'in retaliation' to the UK's sanctions against it since it invaded Ukraine. No shit? Not because of him having a penchant for attending illegal lockdown raves, then? For a moment, there, it appeared that Russia had - collectively - developed a moral compas but, seemingly, not. In March, Moscow imposed a similar ban on US President Joe Biden. Who, also, wasn't intending on going there.
Speaking of the Gruniad Morning Star, this blogger highly recommends Miranda Bryant's interview with From The North favourite Nicola Walker, Mike Ripley's obituary of the author Harry Patterson (best known, under his pen-name Jack Higgins, for The Eagle Has Landed) and the always-excellent Toby Hadoke's obituary of Ron Pember. Also for your consideration, dear blog reader, the Doctor Who News webpage's obituary of Sonny Caldinez.
On Jimmy Kimmel Live this week, the host spoke about Joe Biden's extension of America's national emergency status, with Covid cases on the rise again. 'At this point, Covid is like the Bachelor franchise: they announce a new variant before the old one's wrapped up,' he said. On Sean Hannity's FOX show, now extremely former President Mister Rump called to say that he would be handling the current crises 'better' than Biden, focusing on Russian's invasion of Ukraine. Kimmel said if Rump was in charge now, 'he'd be throwing rolls of paper towels at Ukrainian refugees.' Hannity tried to, once again, get the extremely former President on-record against Putin, but Rump refused, instead bragging about their friendship. 'There are bodybags on-screen [and] he's bragging about the dudes he knows,' Kimmel said. Rump then decided to talk about the danger of windmills and how they are currently killing eagles. 'What is the deal with him and windmills?' Kimmel asked. 'Did he have a traumatic mini-golf experience as a child? Maybe that's why his hair is like that?' He added: 'I feel like the hamster that powers his brain is getting tired.'
A new From The North feature now, dear blog reader.
In no particular order, then, Child In The House.
Death Goes To School. In which the script has proud Scotsman Gordon Jackson paraphrasing Robbie Burns's To A Louse, On Seeing One On A Lady's Bonnet At Church and then claiming to Sam Kydd that it's from Shakespeare. Careless.
Playback.
Stranger From Venus.
Date With Disaster.
Snowball.
Night Tide.
The Gentle Trap.
Death Line.
The Trollenberg Terror.
Ooh! You Are Awful. Starring Dick Emery, Ronald Fraser, Derren Nesbitt and Cheryl Kennedy ...
... but, most notably, Cheryl Kennedy's bottom (always assuming a stunt-arse wasn't used for that particular sequence, of course). 'Now, we'll have one more. This time, try not to smile!'
House Of The Long Shadows.
The Monster That Challenged The World.
The Atomic Brain.
Daughters Of Satan.
Be My Guest.
So you see, dear blog reader, insomnia isn't all bad. At least, if you enjoy watching pre-breakfast 1950s b-movies, obviously. Which, fortunately, this blogger does. Sometimes.
NASA's Hubble Space Telescope has spotted the largest icy comet nucleus ever seen by astronomers, as it inches closer to The Sun and offers scientists a closer look. Named comet C/2014 UN271 (Bernardinelli-Bernstein), the icy giant has been traveling at twenty two thousand miles per hour from the edge of the solar system. It is estimated to have a diameter of approximately eighty miles across. The nucleus of the comet is about fifty times larger than the heart of most comets, according to NASA and its mass is estimated to be five hundred trillion tons. That's one hundred thousand times greater than the mass of a typical comet. So, if it lands on your head, dear blog reader, it's likely going to hurt a bit. It was first identified in 2019 by astronomers Pedro Bernardinelli and Gary Bernstein in Chile. At the time, the comet was three billion miles away from The Sun, about the average distance to Neptune.
Four astronauts have left Earth on the first all-private mission to the International Space Station. The four men are called The Axiom-1 Crew. Axiom is a commercial spaceflight company that hopes to build its own space station in the next few years. The crew lifted away from Florida's Kennedy Space Center on a SpaceX Falcon rocket on 8 April. A former US space agency astronaut, Michael López-Alegría, is commanding the mission. Flying alongside him are US real estate entrepreneur and aerobatic pilot Larry Connor, Israeli investor and philanthropist Eytan Stibbe and Canadian entrepreneur, investor and philanthropist Mark Pathy. They will get to spend eight days aboard the ISS, conducting scientific research and a number of outreach projects. And, by the time you read this, dear blog reader, they'll likely be back home.
Grime artiste Dizzee Rascal (he's a popular beat combo, yer honour) has been handed a one-year restraining order and a twenty four-week curfew for assaulting his former fiancée. The rapper, whose real name is Dylan Kwabena Mills, had denied assault by beating. But, the judge wasn't having it and the thirty seven-year-old, of Sevenoaks, Kent, was found extremely guilty of attacking Cassandra Jones in Streatham in June 2021. The court heard the artist behind chart-topping singles 'Bonkers' and 'Dance Wiv Me', was 'frustrated' over custody arrangements and the pair had an argument when he dropped off their daughter at the property. Mills had assaulted Jones by pressing his forehead against hers and pushing her to the ground during a 'chaotic' row, the trial heard, when he accused her of causing injuries to his arm. He was given a community order with a twenty four-week curfew and told he must wear an electronic tag. The judge said she was 'satisfied' giving Mills an additional twelve-month restraining order was a 'necessary and proportionate' measure. Mills was also ordered to pay two thousand one hundred and ninety knicker in costs and a ninety five quid surcharge.
Pakistan's full-of-his-own-importance Prime Minister Imran Khan has been ousted from power after losing a no-confidence vote in his leadership. The vote was held past midnight after opposition parties brought a motion against him. The motion was first brought last week, but the former international cricketer blocked it by dissolving parliament. Sunday's vote took place after the country's Supreme Court ruled in favour of opposition parties and said that Khan had acted unconstitutionally. Opposition leader Shehbaz Sharif - who is expected to be chosen as the new Prime Minister on Monday - said Pakistan and its parliament were 'finally freed from a serious crisis,' adding in a tweet: 'Congratulations to the Pakistani nation on a new dawn.'
Police in Arizona have arrested a man after one hundred and eighty three animals, including dogs, cats and birds were found in his freezer. Michael Turland admitted freezing some of the animals while they were still alive, the Mohave County Sheriff's office said. He has been charged with ninety four counts of animal cruelty. Images from the scene 'were absolutely disgusting and heart-breaking,' said sheriff's spokeswoman Anita Mortensen. 'As an animal lover I was crying just looking at them,' she told the BBC, adding that the photos were too graphic to release.
The outstanding winner of the latest From The North Headline Of The Week award goes to the Halifax Courier for Row Over Toilets At Calderdale School - Parents Say Pupils Forced To Choose Between Queuing For Loos Or Having Their Lunch. Or, they could get their lunch first and then eat it whilst sitting on the netty. Or is that too radical a suggestion?
Still on a somewhat lavatorial theme, the BBC News website deserves some credit for their effort Llandudno: Woman Trapped In Toilet Had To Pay To Get Out. Oh, dear - what can the matter be? It seems that one Lucy Wishart paid thirty pence to use the loo and then became trapped. She had to phone her husband, Ian, who was nearby, to ask him to insert another thirty pee to open the door, after following advice on the inside of the convenience which read 'do not panic.' It makes a change from the graffiti you usually get in public conveniences, doesn't it? Whether Lucy was having a slash or a dump whilst she was in there, however, we just don't know.
And then, there's this ...
And, indeed, this.
Bruno Guimarães Rodriguez Moura struck deep into stoppage time to give this blogger's beloved (and now, mercifully, sold) Magpies victory over Leicester City and edge Th' Toon a step closer to Premier League survival. The Brazilian midfielder - fast becoming a crowd favourite at St James' - cancelled out Ademola Lookman's opener on the half-hour mark before the two sides played out a strangely subdued second half. But in the fifth minutes of added time, a low cross by substitute Joe Willock bounced up kindly for Guimarães to snatch a dramatic winner with a diving header at The Gallowgate End. It was Newcastle's eighth victory in the last twelve games and their fifth straight win at a rockin' St James' Park. Guimarães was Newcastle's first big signing under their new owners, arriving from Lyon in the January transfer window for an initial thirty five million notes and has helped provide the impetus to push The Magpies towards safety. And, despite arriving as a defensive midfielder, the twenty four-year-old now has three goals from five Premier League starts and said that his winner was the first headed goal of his career. Th' Toon now have thirty seven points - twelve clear of the relegation zone and three behind ninth-placed Leicester, whose five-game unbeaten run came to a dramatic end. Leicester arrived on Tyneside buoyed by Thursday's Europa League win at PSV Eindhoven, which saw the club reach the Semi-Finals of a European competition for the first time. The Foxes have struggled to defend set-pieces this season yet they opened the scoring with a training-ground routine of their own, Lookman's eighth goal of the season capping a bright start. Ayoze Perez superbly laid on James Maddison's equaliser in Eindhoven and the Spaniard repeated the trick against his former club. But the visitors' Achilles heel was exposed again eleven minutes later, from the first corner they conceded. Newcastle centre-half Dan Burn leaned over Daniel Amartey to head down Jonjo Shelvey's inswinging delivery, before Guimarães poked the ball goalwards from in front of Kasper Schmeichel and then bundled it into the net while both players were on the deck. At first glance it appeared Guimarães had knocked the ball from the Denmark keeper's grasp. However, the video assistant, Lee Mason, recommended referee Jarred Gillett looked at his pitchside monitor and replays clearly showed the ball had been stuck between Schmeichel's legs, rather than his hands. That leveller lifted the hosts and they finished the first half on top, before Leicester dominated possession after the break with Newcastle still the more threatening. But they failed to create any clear-cut chances until Burn sent a header wide from a late corner, while Leicester substitute Kelechi Iheanacho went close at the other end.
Construction of the so-called Whey Aye in Newcastle remains on hold - with the war in Ukraine cited as the latest reason for delays to the one hundred million knicker project. Just one more thing to drag Vlad The Small - and his really tiny penis - to The Hague over, one could suggest. Plans for the four hundred and sixty feet observation wheel, the tallest in Europe, were backed three years ago by the council. Work had been due to start in 2020 but was pushed back multiple times due to 'disruption' caused by the pandemic. There is still no sign of any building work starting on the site in Ouseburn.
A vehicle painted to look like The Mystery Machine from Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? has been stopped by police in a case of the missing MOT. BCH Road Policing Unit sneered on Twitter that they had spotted the van 'touring around Hertfordshire.' When they pulled the van over, they said it became a 'mystery as to where the MOT was' as the 'driver unfortunately didn't know either.' Because, dear blog reader, there is nothing funnier in the wide, wide world of minor criminality than a member of The Filth with delusions of being a stand-up comedy genius and access to social media.
And finally for the latest bloggerisationism update, dear blog reader, '... is comin' like a ghost town,' perhaps?