"Things Are More Like They Used To Be Than They Are Now"

Here we are again, dear bloggerisationism fiends, as happy as can be. Hit that there blog signal, yer actual Keith Telly Topping and let us get the second From The North bloggerisationism update of that there 2026 out on the road again. Wearing different clothes again.

We must, therefore, get this ball rolling towards the net with a few necessary parish notices to begin with. As mentioned in the last From The North update, this blogger's latest tome in the A Vault of Horror tetralogy, Bride of A Vault of Horror: A Study of Seventy Two Great* British** Films of 'Mystery & Suspense' (1933 to 1986) (* And Not So Great) (** Plus two French, three Italian and one Spanish) was thoroughly and extremely completed just after Christmas and delivered to this blogger's delightful (and delighted) publishers on 30 December. More news on when it's likely to be published as soon as this blogger has any news on the particular score (but, it'll be sometime in 2026). The cover, remains, provisional but rather sexy.

Meanwhile, the end of January brought the news that all three of Keith Telly Topping's previous film books remain in Telos's top-ten best seller list. Which is nice.

And, also, that two of them - the first two A Vault of Horror volumes - were amongst the company's best sellers of 2025 in total (Island of Terror, of course, was only published at the end of October so it was never likely to features in the company's end-of-year list).

Some people, sometimes, if they've got nothing better to do with their time and energy, ask Keith Telly Topping the following question; 'Keith Telly Topping' they ask, 'for why, though but, do you write all them there books about them there British horror and British science fiction films of the 1930s, 1940s, 1950s, 1960s, 1970s and 1980s?' Which is, frankly, an entirely odd question to be ask ing when they could and probably should be considering far more important matters in the great scheme of things. Nevertheless, this blogger usually has a polite and necessary answer to hand. Because, he likes them. No particular reason, he just does. I mean, take this one, fr instrance. What's not to love?

The fourth part of the A Vault of Horror tetralogy - tentatively going under the working title of Beyond the Vault of Horror: A Study of Seventy(ish) Great* British and European** Tales of Mystery and Suspense [* and not so great] [** plus one Australian] - hasn't even been pitched yet (and won't be for another few months whilst this blogger researches it ... and, also, gets his breath back and his shit together following the completion of the last one). However, this blogger has also started on a more long-term and Most Secret collaborative project with a close personal fiend - whose identity will, for the time being, remain undisclosed. This concerns a completely different sphere of pop culture malarkey from British horror and British science fiction films, however. So, that's probably halved the potential audience straight away! 

Appallingly crass and disgraceful self-promotion, mercifully, ends at this point. Bet you're all pure dead glad about that, dearest bloggerisationism fiends.

And, on that bombshell ...

The recent Stately Telly Topping Manor viewing, incidentally, has included this movie. Featuring the first woman, besides his mother, to whom yer actual Keith Telly Topping ever gave his total and complete (unrequited) heart. 'But which one was champion' asked this blogger's fine fiend, Ben. To which Keith Telly Topping, of course, replied: 'Sharron Macready, of course. But, could she make egg and chips as well as me mam? Could she Hell as like.' A necessary point to make, one feels.

On another evening entirely, the Stately Telly Topping Manor question of the night would very much appear to have been 'woof, woof, woof' or 'here, kitty-kitty'? This blogger could've gone either way on that one.

In the end, however, this blogger went in a completely different direction entirely. Keith Telly Topping's nothing if not a contrary sod at the best (and worst) of times. 

Some occasions are just like that at the Stately Telly Topping Manor. Particularly when it was yet another miserable, horrific, filthy day outside the gaff (and, reportedly, that situation which is was set to continue for the following week - see below for further weather news). Make your choice now, Keith Telly Topping and make it quickly. 

And, if you're wondering about the presence of two copies of The Vulture in the latest Stately Telly Topping Manor home-media stash, dear blog fiends, don't be. For, has it not be said, somewhere, that one can never have too many copies of The Vulture (Homeric Films, 1966)? Err ... No, apparently, it has never been said that one can never have too many copies of The Vulture. Not even on the wall of some lavatory. This blogger's mistake. The truth is, one of the copies was ordered for one of this blogger's fiends.

Moving on swiftly, dear blog fiends, to the first of what promises to be several 'So! Many! Questions!' moments in this latest From The North update. In this particular case, it's the bush bit rather than the naughty nicking of copious quantities of one of Cadbury's most delicious products that sits up and begs for an explanation. Mind you, they're a funny lot in King's Lynn. Or, so it is alleged.

One day, towards the end of January, this blogger found himself in desperate need of some technical help from anyone out there amongst his many Facebook fiends who knew about technical malarkey and computer shenanigans. This blogger had previously used Avast VPN but his subscription had ended the previous day and, having decided not to renew it, he removed it from Larry the Stately Telly Topping Manor laptop using uninstall. The next day, however, he found himself unable to access the Interweb at all, merely getting web pages telling him 'DNS_PROBE_FINISHED_NO_INTERNET'. His WiFi was still working elsewhere in the gaff, however - for the phone and watching You Tube through the TV for example. But, the laptop stubbornly refused to connect to anything. This blogger had been in touch with his service provider who, bless 'em, tried their very best to help but, ultimately, couldn't do so and, thus, for a while he found himself stuck with no Web access except through the phone. Hence his begging for help in getting him back online. Which was received (and was greatly appreciated) from the legends that are David Howe and Allan Toombs both of whom who suggested possible solutions.

In the end, however, a simple System Restore of Larry did the trick and got this tricky shit sorted right good and proper and no mistake.

Consequently, within less than an hour, Larry had acquired a new lease of life and the Stately Telly Topping Manor was completely Interwebbed back up again. Larry is also now sporting a new - free - VPN and everything is all right again.

At least, it is until the next time some queer technical shat happens. Which it will. At which point this blogger will, presumably, go through another period of extreme frustration, anger and technofear. Keith Telly Topping's life in a nutshell dear blog fiends. 

Next, a somewhat necessary truism from the massively embiggened skull of yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self (brain the size of an Adidas Telstar and all that. Allegedly). Sadly, it's a truism because, well, it's true.

Do any dearest blog fiends fancy yet another in our, seemingly semi-regular, 'So! Many! Questions!' subsection? Silly question, of course you do. You're only human after all.

At least, when this blogger says ' you're only human', he is - of course - talking exclusively to From The North's contingent of dear blog fiends who orientate from the human race. From The North's extra-terrestrial readership should, in no way, feel they are being discriminated against or disrespected by in this statement. Keith Telly Topping must stress he does not have a bigoted bone in his - very human - body (except where Reform are concerned, obviously - that goes without saying). He, for one, welcomes our new alien overlords. GxjzxqVxq@z#kj!zØåßþĉëŊƒƒdžǽȡɷΨπΦѪӛԪݤᴥᶚᶚᶚῺ₡∂♣zj@shadadig. Or, if you're from Alpha Centauri 101110101011010110101101010101000111.

An important Stately Telly Topping Manor announcement: Yer actual has, in merely but the last few minutes, managed to change Davey, the Stately Telly Topping Manor duvet, in one go. In less-than-half-a-bloody-hour and with only minimal (though, not insignificant) back-pain involved in the entire process. It is therefore just about high time, once again, to declare as we always do at such times (and in a not even remotely unironic way) for all the world to see ...

Glad that particular chore is out of the way. There is, after all, a Hell of a lot of jolly important stuff which goes on within the confines of Brian, the Stately Telly Topping Manor bed. As, this blogger is sure you can all well imagine, dear blog fiends. Even the aliens.

Watching films, for one thing.

One supposes it's time for another example from the From The North's 'So! Many! Questions!' column. This, for example. Well, let's face it, we've all done it, haven't we? Haven't we? No, apparently we haven't all done. it.

And, it's gosh darn important to report, we've haven't all done this either. And, neither has one Leigh Preston, despite what the Sunday Sport may claim to the contrary. No, he more certainly hasn't because you just made him up, didn't you? Well done, it was quite funny. Next ...

Some of us considerably more than others, it would seem.

So, that's how they did it. Next they'll be telling us Michael Aspel didn't really get stood on by Twinkle.

It's a Sunday night Stately Telly Topping Manor ritual, dearest blog fiends. Tonight's set-list, Abbey Road side two. '♫♫ Once there was a way ...♫♫'

This blogger really - and, by really, he means REALLY deserved this, from the Stately Telly Topping Manor menu, dear blog fiends. And lo it was, he is happy to report, geet lush in his sight.

Since the last bloggerisationiom update there has also been one of this blogger's regular fortnightly limps into town to meet up with his most excellent fiend Young Malcolm for a bit of shopping and luncheon at The Keel Row. Which, as usual, was educational, informative, entertaining and delicious. Particularly the latter.

And, speaking of food ...

Still, the homemade stuff is usually the best. On Saturday for us dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor, for example, it was chicken and mushroom curry. Cor blimey. This blogger must confess that this is actually a stock photo from Google; the Stately Telly Topping Manor version looked 'reasonably' similar to this. Sort of. Ish. Well, the rice was that colour, anyway. 

Next ... a question which, this blogger is certain, we've all wanted to ask From The North favourite Professor Brian Cox at some stage in our collective lives.

Another one from From The North's 'So! Many! Questions!' column.

Shakespeare did, after all, write 'Now God help thee, poor monkee! But, how wilt thou do for a father?' in Macbeth. Whether he was talking about Mick, Mike, Peter or Davy, perhaps we'll never know.

A month wouldn't be a month without The North's Headline Of The Month awards. This is a definite contender.

This, from the Crocodile - which used to be run by adults - is also in the running. Particularly as the alleged incident allegedly took place roughly a mile as-the-crow-files south of the Stately Telly Topping Manor. It is alleged.

But this months' winner is the good old reliable Brighton Argus for this gem. There's a joke about VIPeeing in there, somewhere, if you go searching for it.

Dedication to a popular beat combo of the 1960s (you might've heard of them) is one thing and all that, dear blog fiends, but this blogger thinks this young lady is taking things, somewhat, to extremes. It's a great record but, by the time she's got all the way through to 'Run For Your Life' for the three millionth time, she's gonna be sick to death of that particular LP and desperate for The Be-Atles to hurry up and get Revolver out so she can listen to something else, don't you think?

Following that lesson in history, here's another in From The North's occasional Things At Least One World Of Today Leader Could Learn From History But Probably Wont Because He's An Orange-Faced Baboon With The Tact Of A Graverobber And The Common Sense Of A Mollusc strand.

On a more personal history note, a photo cropped up on this blogger's Facebook feed that was a fair past-from-the-past. The number thirty four was the 'cross city' bus running from Waalsend, up Walker Road and City Road, past the Central Station and then up Westgate Road and the West Road all the way to the West Denton terminus. My Auntie Lily lived at Denton so me, mam and dad used to take that trip about once a week - usually on Sunday - to spend the day there and then come all the way back. The journey took probably the best part of an hour.

There was plenty to look at the journey, though, including one of the few bits of Hadrian's Wall still standing until you get out of the city. Admittedly, after many years of having the stone robbed out to build other stuff, there's little, now, to stop any invading Scots from hopping over it and doing a bit of rapin' and pillagin'. Mind you, they can do that via Inter-City as well these day.

Once again, this blogger must stress the lack of offence intended to any of From The North's readers north of the border. Oh no, very hot water.

If there's any national stereotype that this blogger hasn't casually offended during the course of this blog, can you please raise your hands?

Thank you. Next, as promised, here is a Stately Telly Topping Manor Weather Report.

'Tyne, Dogger, German Bight/Humber, Thames, Dover, Wight/England and Wales, ready to Rockall/By midnite tonite ...'

The weather in the United Kingdom of Great Britain, North Ireland, Berwick-upon-Tweed and the Stately Telly Topping Manor has been more than a bit frightful (and, not in the least delightful) over the last week or so, dear blog fiends. Here, for instance, is a visual representation of outside the Stately Telly Topping Manor during this period. This blogger must confess he loves weather like this when the terminology for it gets almost Biblical.

Stone the bleedin' crows, dearest blog fiends, it was proper windy and no mistake.

However, after five days of incessant tempest and persistent deluge yer actual Keith Telly Topping took the opportunity during a momentary pause in the apocalyptic storm going on outside The Stately Telly Topping Manor, to nip down to Aldi for a carton of milk, a loaf of bread and packet of crisps (Walkers' Oven Baked Slow Roasted Beef for anyone taking notes). Here is a visual representation of the action as it took place.

You know how, sometimes, you misread one word in a sentence and it completely changes the context of that sentence and not in a remotely good way, either? Anyone else ever experience that? Somehow, this blogger managed to miss the 'o' from the first word on this cover of Diabolique magazine. Keith Telly Topping thought to him 'blimey,' he thought, 'I know Sir Christopher could be a bit of an opinionated old fusspot at times, but that's a bit strong, surely?"

And, finally dear blog fiends. Remember this, it may save your life one day.

From The North will return ... whenever this blogger finds a big enough hole in his busy schedule and has the wherewithal to get his shit together and write the damned thing. But, always bear in mind, dear blog fiend, he is available for a surprisingly expensive date if you're so included.