Hark! And lo, it was written. What was written, you ask? Why a From The North bloggerisationism update in the area, dear blog fiends. Upload The Blog Signal, Mister Blogger and let us get this gig on the road, again.
We kick-off this latest From The North blog update with a necessary observation. This blogger has, certainly, heard of the whole concept of 'hiding in plain sight' before, but this is, surely, taking that to ridiculous extremes?
So, the obvious question this blogger is now asking is which colour will be chosen for the next Keith Telly Topping volume in his, amusingly idiosyncratic, A Vault of Horror series from the excellent Telos Publishing? We've done, red, blue, green and purple; what's next? Yellow? Burnt orange? Indigo? Magenta? Crimson? British racing green? Turquoise? Arabian sunset? Gold? Azure? Beige? Saffron? Cerulean blue? Send your suggestions to the usual address.
As previously alluded to during the last From The North update, the previous From The North update to that, the third most recent From The North update and, the blog update immediately prior to that one, Bride of a Vault of Horror - A Book of Seventy Two Great* British** Films of 'Mystery & Suspense From 1933 to 1986 (* And not so great) (** Plus two French, three Italian and one Spanish) was published on 31 October. And, it is extremely available for purchase from the world's finest publisher, Telos. Here, to be precise. Six hundred and twenty pages, six-by-nine trade paperback, ISBN: 978-1-84583-270-4. Please consider buying one, several or lots of this fine volume, dear blog fiends. Keith Telly Topping (as well you know) remains a self-unemployed author, journalist, broadcaster and blogger with a growing Blu-ray collection and a salt and chilli King Prawn with boiled rice habit to support. It's a monkey that he simply cannot get off his back - not that he particularly wants to. The book, incidentally, is also available via, cough, Amazon.co.uk. Here. Though both this blogger and his publisher would, obviously, prefer it if you ordered any copies that you wish to own direct from the publisher's website. Mainly because unlike Amazon they do, actually pay their taxes (also, small additional point: this blogger makes a tiny bit more in royalties from direct sales rather than through a third party vendor. It's only pennies but, this blogger would argue, they're more useful in Keith Telly Topping's pocket than in Jeff Bezos's). Thank you, with all necessary sincerity, for allowing this blogger into your Interwebs (and, indeed, your wallets).
Also, a further reminder (cunningly disguised as self-promotion) should any dear blog fiends be of a mind to do so, they can also order one, two or all three of this blogger's previous volumes on British horror, SF and fantasy films. Also published by the totally tremendous Telos Publishing and available here, here and here. Unless you already have ordered one, two or all three of them, obviously. In which case, this blogger wishes it to be known that you are, collectively, drop dead gorgeous and, this blogger, humbly, thank you all for allowing him into your Interwebs (and, indeed, your wallets).
Meanwhile, as the previous Stately Telly Topping Manor project reaches its much anticipated publication, the current Stately Telly Topping Manor project, Beyond a Vault of Horror - A Study of Seventy Two Further Great* British Tales of 'Mystery & Suspense' 1936-1981 (* and not so great) - the fourth part of the A Vault of Horror tetralogy (or, technically, fifth if you count Island of Terror) - was delivered to the publishers on Friday of this very week. This was, technically, a couple of weeks over schedule but this blogger wanted to have one last full read through the manuscript to make sure he hadn't cut anything that he didn't want to cut. Which, it turned out, he hadn't.
Anyway ...
Keith Telly Topping's annual diabetic eye screening did not, as it usual does, take place at his local surgery or a nearby pharmacy but, rather, in darkest Waalsend at a place where this blogger had never previously been. This blogger had to go onto Google maps and print out a fifteen minute walk from the bus stop near Waalsend Metro (and, yes, it did include passing that very nice Chinese Takeaway on Station Road in the flat above which From The North bête noire Sting was born, thanks for asking). This blogger made it, eventually and then suffered having horrible stingy stuff squirted in his eyes in an uncanny recreation of Alex DeLarge undergoing the Ludovico treatment. This blogger then spent the following six hours with dilated pupils watching people walk past with vapour trails coming off 'em.
After getting home, this blogger's back was feeling rather sore and his eyes still felt a bit weird. So, yes, it was clearly time this blogger had his latest hit to ease that patented salt and chilli pepper King Prawn with curried rice addiction. And yes, if you're wondering dear blog fiend, this blogger really, really, really deserved this.
Dunno bout anybody else, but this blogger quite fancies a pizza, tonight. No idea why.
On a somewhat-nearly-but-not-quite related theme, yes, there is a kind of logic to this conundrum, this blogger supposes.
This blogger's more recent adventures on Geoguesser have included the usual bunch of distinctly average (or worse) daily efforts, along with a handful of notable exceptions. Like this one from 3 November which was so nearly a good 'un.
Keith Telly Topping, sad to report, was heading for a potential corker of a score on 7 November when, atypically, he messed up in the fifth and final round. Albeit, in his own defence, Quebec is a bloody big place. Keith Telly Topping knows, he's been there (well, if a two-hour stopover in Montreal airport on his way to Winnipeg counts).
Another notable effort occurred on 13 November when this blogger got to within six hundred points of a new Stately Telly Topping Manor record. Almost, dear blog fiends. Almost, but not quite there. Again.
Whilst on the following day, Keith Telly Topping would have been on for his best ever score to date but for a disastrous fourth round when he was taught an important and valuable geographical lesson; the Philippines do not look like Thailand. Not even a little bit.
Anyway ...
Next, dear blog fiends, the current Stately Telly Topping Manor reading list. Which includes this one.
And, this one.
And, this one.
And the novelisation of this one. Probably.
And, especially, this one.
Dear blog fiends should also be advised to give a big From The North style greeting to Valerie the new Stately Telly Topping vacuum cleaner. Which sucks, big-style.
And, also, to Dirty Doreen, the new Stately Telly Topping Manor automatic dishwasher. Who, ahem, 'spacs-em', apparently. Nice to know.
'Miss Broadchest, load the hardware into Davidson the Stately Telly Topping Manor desktop. And put some underwear on whilst you're about it.'
To paraphrase a particularly memorable Little Bobby Thomson routine from the 1970s, 'I said to her "Mrs Higgins," I said, "one of yer booosums is hangin' oot." She said "eee, ah've left the bairn on the bus."' Also, a tip: Smoking is really bad for you.
Meanwhile, things at the local laundromat are starting to get a bit high-tech for this blogger's liking. You need to use conditioner and a short spin cycle of nylons, sweetheart. As always, this blogger extends a huge 'thank you' to all of the people at the pure-mad excellent The Retro Vault Facebook page, for their peerless mastery of AI in an non-threatening way.
Particularly when they come up with works of conceptual genius such as this. Seriously, if you're one of the five people still on Facebook, dear blog fiends, pop into The Retro Vault and give them a like and, maybe, subscribe. Are you not entertained?
Anyway ...
To the latest world news section, now. This blogger is unsure if anyone else feels the same way, but he's found it a bit quiet over this last couple of weeks to be honest. It's almost as if the world stood still, took a deep, introverted sigh and said 'how long is it till Christmas?' To such an extent that this blogger has spent much of his time when he wasn't busy with wading through yet another edit of Beyond a Vault of Horror - A Study of Seventy Two Further Great* British Tales of 'Mystery & Suspense' 1936-1981 (* and not so great), the fourth part of the A Vault of Horror tetralogy (or, technically, fifth if you count Island of Terror. Which you should) watching You Tube. This blogger was surprised to see the most uses of one of Keith Telly Topping's favourite words since vinyl was invented and the 78rpm went the way of the dodo. Not sure why, exactly.
To be fair, it does appear that rising prices are affecting pretty much everyone on the planet during these troublesome times.
Still, there's always a bright side, Elon. If you look hard enough for it.
Also, this blogger was genuinely unsure why David Walliams was, Keith Telly Topping believes the term is 'trending' on BlueSky one day earlier this week. This blogger hadn't seen the man on television for such a long time he'd almost forgotten who Walliams was ...
Or, indeed, what he actually did to justify the millions of pounds that broadcasters and publishers seemed happy to spend on him. Perhaps now we'll be able to find out.
Is it, this blogger wonders, for the same reason that Keith Telly Topping has never visited Tajikistan?
Jeez, this blogger is fully aware that Invasion of the Dinosaurs was a bit of a catastrophic fiasco and absolute sodding disgrace, but he didn't think it was an imprisonable offence. KKLAK!
That was, clearly, one gig on the Sound Affects tour that this blogger missed. Tragic really, as Paul, Bruce and Rick were always brilliant when playing small venues. And indeed, drunken venues, too!
Anyway ...
Ah, the 1970s dear blog fiends. Weren't they simply beyond brilliant? 'Be careful how you use it.'
In fact, the only thing wrong with the entire decade - apart from the odd power cut, obviously - was this. Horrible, so it was.
Anyway ...
Moving on, now to the always-popular From The North Headline Of The Fortnight award nominations. Starting off with one from From The North Headline Of The Fortnight award regulars, the Metro (so, not real newspaper, then). And, this potential piece of Pulitzer Prize-worthy journalism from Sarah Hooper. And, in today's other 'news' according to the Metro, the Pope remains Catholic. 'So, Professor Arthur Streeb-Greebling, following your many years attempting, unsuccessfully, to teach ravens to fly underwater and now this, do you feel you life's work has been a bit of a waste of time and effort?' 'My life has, indeed, been a miserable failure, yes.'
Next, come on be honest, whom amongst us hasn't done this at one time or another? This blogger knows he certainly has.
Any comments about 'a stiff opposition' will, of course, be handled appropriately.
One from the archives now, because we couldn't possibly have a From The North Headline Of The Fortnight award nominations list without at least one contribution from the Gruniad Morning Star. 'The witnesses reported the group engaging in rowdy behaviour and one of them throwing their arms in the air and saying "woooooo."' Quality reportage.
Some bell-end (or, three as it turns out) at the BBC News website (which used to be run by adults) thought this wretched pun was worthy of exposure.
To which we, inevitably, must ask ...
And, when the same website had the opportunity for a 'monkey business' sub-header, boy did they take it. Where have all the adults at the BBC gone?
Slow news day in [checks notes] Rhyl? Well, to be fair, it's always a slow news days in Rhyl.
Sorry, who's easing the what on the whom, now?
'Darlington' and 'faecal incident' in the same story? What were the chances? The Crocodile, as usual, is on the mother.
It's amazing what you can do with your free hand whilst cracking one off, it would appear.
Meanwhile, in Dublin ...
No Peace in the Valley in Leicester, seemingly.
Sorry, Elvis, but the church has spoken.
Anyway ...
Finally, dear blog fiends, this blogger has spent the last fifty years troubled by one overwhelming thing. Now, it seems, he might have an answer.
So that's it for another From The North update, dear blog fiends. But, as always, allow yer actual Keith Telly Topping to reassure you that From The North will, indeed, return. When the time is right.
And, remember dear blog fiends. A necessary reminder. 
