Monday, July 30, 2007

Respect For The Guv'nor

The end of next month would have seen the sixty eighth birthday of the legendary BBC Radio 1 DJ John Peel ... That is, if the groovy auld daddio hadn't been so ruddy inconsiderate as to have died three years ago in Peru. (Even more annoyingly, he died on yer actual Keith Telly Topping's birthday - thanks John, mate, that was class timing.)

'Somebody was trying to tell me that CDs are better than vinyl because they don't have any surface noise' John once famously noted. 'I said, "Listen, mate, life has surface noise."' Never a truer word spoken.
This blogger started listening to Peelie's evening shows on Radio 1 in the late 1970s when I would've been around fifteen or so. I, like many people, appreciated his dry, sarcastic Scouse wit and his deeply authoritative style of presentation, of course. But, along with a like-minded generation of teenage über-hooligans I suspect, what I/we most liked about John was the fact that this man played The Clash, The Jam, Buzzcocks, The Undertones, Stiff Little Fingers, Siouxsie & Th Banshees and The Stranglers (and, let us not forget The Sex Pistols) on national radio when no other bugger within the BBC - or pretty much anywhere else for that matter - would touch them with a bargepole.
It was notable that even when such bands were in the charts, and thus play-listed, you could tell by the sheer disdain in, for example, Tony Blackburn's voice that he'd much sooner be playing The Dooleys instead of all this punky-punky nonsense that he was being forced to subject his housewife listeners to.

Remember, most people who bought punk records in 1977 and 1978 weren't nineteen, at art school and living within a few miles of the centre of London so they could pop into town and check out The Clash at The Roxy, The Damned at 100 Club or The Jam at Ronnie Scott's once a week. We weren't The Bromley Contingent. We were instead spotty, ugly fifteen year olds outsiders living on council estates in Newcastle, Birmingham, Cornwall, Glasgow, Manchester or Leeds. Our 'contingent', such as it was, consisted of the three or four other ugly, spotty fifteen year old outsiders in our area who liked vaguely the same sort of music and would hang around at the local youth club disco on a Friday night for two hours on the off-chance that they might play four records we liked and could pogo to. John Peel was our window into a world that Top Of The Pops virtually ignored and Noel Edmonds, Peter Powell and DLT had all elected not to get their hands dirty on. John Peel got his hands dirty. The BBC hated him for it but try as they might, he just wouldn't go away, and people kept on listening to his show. It had been the same a decade earlier when he was playing Tyrannosaurus Rex, Captain Beefhart, Fairport Convention and The Third Ear Band on The Perfumed Garden and Top Gear. They wanted rid of him then. He was given the job of co-presenting Top Of The Pops with Jimmy Savile once and forgot the name of Amen Corner. The producer allegedly told him afterwards 'I'll see you never work in television again.' Fourteen years later, he was back on the show. That was John Peel - he outlasted everyone. His occasional Top Of The Pops double act with his mate Kid Jensen were genuine comedy highlights from an era of television's presentation of pop music that, by and large, is best forgotten.
I followed Peelie's radio show through much of the next twenty five years - with occasional time outs. I'd usually have a few months off during the middle of the year but I'd always come back for The Festive Fifty each Christmas and then hang around through January, February and March to check out what was going down in Groovetown each winter. I got into post-punk, Goth, C-86, shambling, shoegazing, Madchester, Britpop, trance, techno and ragga all directly or indirectly through John Peel. Without him, I may never have heard The Smiths, Echo & the Bunnymen, New Order, The Pixies, Happy Mondays, Pulp or Dreadzone - just as kids of a previous generation were introduced to Led Zeppelin, T-Rex, Lindisfarne, The Pink Floyd, Hawkwind, The Velvet Underground, Roxy Music and The Faces through him and his show.
He, along with Charlie Shaar Murray and Nick Kent, Tony and Julie, Weller and Strummer and Jerry Dammers taught me what it was to actually care about your music. Richie Manic might've thought he was 4REAL and carved it into his arm in a pointless gesture of self-aggrandisement. John Peel didn't need to do that. This was the man who played 'God Save The Queen' on the radio whilst the rest of the establishment tried to banned it, burn it or bury their own heads in the sand and pretend it didn't even exist. That, on it's own, guarantees Peelie a degree of immortality.

There was some stuff he played that I found a bit odd at first but then grew to really love over the years (particularly his championing of dub reggae). And then there was other stuff that I never really got a handle on (some of the weirder industrial sounds, grunge-core, death-metal, the more extreme rap and techno acts he featured). However, like many other listeners, I really admired the 'thirst for the new' that drove Peelie onwards to seek out weirder and more experimental sounds. And then to sometimes play them at the wrong speed! Who else remembers the night he said he was hungry on-air and - an hour later - Billy Bragg turned up with a mushroom biryani and a copy of his début LP which he insisted Peelie play a song from? There were frequent moments of comedy genius on Peel's show - his wit was truly dazzling; there were also moments of great profundity and emotion - like the Monday night after the Hillsborough disaster when he broke down in tears after playing a highly-charged version of 'You'll Never Walk Alone.'
The search for stranger and more obscure material wasn't, as some people have suggested a case of 'eclecticism for eclecticisms own sake', rather it was genuine need to seek out interesting and (most importantly) different sounds. He once said that he was less interested in how his beloved Liverpool played last week than how they'd play next week and with records, you sensed it was the same. It was simply important that Mister Peel existed. Without him the 1980s, for instance, would have even worse than they actually were.

This blogger consider it a privilege that I once - very briefly - met the man who got to play Half Man Half Biscuit and The Fall to the great unwashed and got paid for it. And he was lovely - I was so relieved that meeting one of my heroes (albeit for all of, like, ninety seconds) didn't diminish my respect and admiration for him one iota. It was at Glastonbury in the mid-1990s - I passed him as he was walking towards the Pyramid stage to see the Prodigy and I was heading for the main stage to watch Oasis. I spotted him as we passed and said 'I don't think Liverpool's playing up there today, John' indicating with a thumb towards the muddy field he was making for and from which I'd just come. That raised a bit of a smile on that so familiar face.
Then, I got all serious and introspective. 'I'm thirty two John, and I'd never have made it without you and your show' I said. That comment seems - from a distance of more than ten years - to be pretentious in the extreme although, at the time, I was perfectly sincere in what I said. Thankfully, he took it in the spirit in which it was given and shook my hand and we chatted for minute or so about when he was going to have HMHB back in for a session (it was, as it turned out, about eight weeks later).

Class act, Mister Peel. Proper class act. We shall not see his like again. His - partial - autobiography, Margrave Of The Marshes, was of course the very first book I ever reviewed on radio. I'll say now what I said then - every home should have one.

The official John Peel website, incidentally, can be found here. Check it out daily, it's a place of joy and many memories.

I recently got quite a large batch of old Peel shows - or parts of shows - on MP3 covering the period from the late 1960s when he was still doing Top Gear right up to his final BBC show in 2004 (they're of hugely variable audio quality, admittedly - some of them are great but many are only just about listenable - but, then again, that's not really the point, is it?). I've still a load of my own recordings from the early and mid-80s on tape that, one day when I work out how to do it properly, I'll try to convert to media files. I spent most of last night listening to the two hour Steve Lamacq tribute show that went out on the night John died and being, genuinely, moved by many of the tributes that listeners sent in about him. Because, in many ways, they were mirroring my own life.
Their story was also my story - about how this strange contradiction of a man (a gentle, hippie soul and well-bred country gentleman who sought out the company of football hooligans and punk rockers; the vegetarian cyclist who loved sports cars; the diffident ingénu with a truly devastatingly acerbic turn of phrase; the fanatical supporter of urban music who lived an idyllic life in a cottage in rural Suffolk with his wife and children) changed my life. He did it by opening my eyes of a wider world than I ever thought possible. I was also delighted to get hold of the entire 1987 Peeling Back The Years radio series that John did with John Walters which I remember with extreme fondness from the first time it was broadcast. It showed the incredible depth and range of influences that shaped the man and his love of music. Danny Baker once said that our generation (and I think he was including me in that) were the first that were cooler than our children. Good guy, Danny, but he's wrong there - John Peel was easily old enough to be my father and he was so much cooler than me.
Anyway, it's been a while since we've had a current playlist on here so, here's one covering the last month or so (it's not without more than a little irony that a hell of a lot of these records I probably first heard on Peelie's show - many of them, I know for certain I did).

Rest easy, big fellah - the music you championed will never go away no matter how much they would like it to.

Current Listening:
Anubian Lights - Soul Herder
The Blow Monkeys - Digging Your Scene
Boards Of Canada- Aquarius
The Brilliant Corners - Brian Rix
Laura Cantrell - Indoor Fireworks
Cocteau Twins - Wax & Wane
Lloyd Cole - Lost Weekend
Julian Cope - Rite Bastard
The Cramps - Faster Pussycat (Kill, Kill)
Cuban Boys - Flossie's Alarming Clock
Curve - Ten Little Girls
Dalek I Love You - Horrorscope
Delerium - Angelicus
The Delgados - Mr Blue Sky
The Dentists - I Had An Excellent Dream
The Dentists - Strawberries Growing In My Garden (And It's Wintertime)
Doves - Willow's Song
Dream Academy - Life In A Northern Town
Echo & the Bunnymen - Over The Wall
The Fall - Fantastic Life
The Fall - Container Drivers
The Fall - Cruiser's Creek
The Fall - Cab It Up!
Fall Out Boy - Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of this Song So we Couldn't Get Sued
Flatmates - I Could Be In Heaven
14 Iced Bears - Come Get Me
The French Impressionists - Castles In The Air
Furniture - Brilliant Mind
Grinderswitch - Pickin' The Blues
Hefner - Gabriel In The Airport
House Of Love - Happy
House Of Love - The Beatles & The Stones
I, Ludicrous - Preposterous Tales
Indeep - Last Night A DJ Saved my Life
The Jam - Pop Art Poems
james - Walking The Ghost
Robert Johnson - Hell Hound On My Tail
Sophie & Peter Johnson - Satellite/Television
Grace Jones - Slave To The Rhythm
Josef K - Sorry for Laughing
Kraftwerk - Autobahn
Laugh - Paul McCartney
The Loft - Up The Hill & Down The Slopes
Mary Lou Lord - Some Jingle Jangle Morning (When I'm Straight)
McCarthy - Should The Bible Be Banned?
Misty in Roots - Mankind
Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark - Genetic Engineering
Northside - Shall We Take A Trip?
P.I.L - first Peel session (December 1979, especially the manic nine minute version Careering)
Pale Saints - Sight Of You
The Passions - I'm In Love With A German Film Star
The Pastels - Truck, Train, Tractor
Pooh Sticks - On Tape
Pooh Sticks - I Know Someone Who Knows Someone Who Knows Alan McGee Quite Well
The Pretenders - Talk Of The Town
R.E.M. - Revolution
R.E.M. - First We Take Manhatten
Serious Drinking - Love On The Terraces
Serious Drinking - 1-2 XU/Bobby Moore Was Innocent (John Peel session version)
Serious Drinking - Spirit of '66
Siouxsie & the Banchees - Melt
The Specials - Gangsters
SPK - Metal Dance (Razormaid Mix)
Stranglers - Always the Sun
Stump - Charlton Heston
Teardrop Explodes - first Peel session (October 1980, especially the beautiful version of Thief Of Baghdad)
That Petrol Emotion - Chemicrazy
Theatre Of Hate - Do You Believe In The Westworld
The Times - I Helped Patrick McGoohan Escape
Tindersticks - City Sickness
Turin Brakes - Painkiller
Yello - Oh Yeah
Zion Train - Venceremos
The Zutons - Pressure Point

I am currently - desperately - trying to find the following on CD (my MP3 player is incomplete without 'em!):

The Farmers Boys - I Think I Need Help
Hurrah - Sweet Sanity (and If Love Could Kill)
That Petrol Emotion - Genius Move
Blue Aeroplanes - Sweet Jane
Barmy Army - Glory! Glory! (Sharp as a Needle)
Fatima Mansions - Blues For Ceaucescu.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

RTD Caused Global Warming

As mentioned previously, there were two twenty four carat great comedy threads on the Outpost Gallifrey forums last week. You've seen the best of one of them, here's the best of the other:

In this thread we reveal the true staggering power and terrifying might of Doctor Who executive producer yer actual Russell T Davies in his awesomeness.

RTD is responsible for global warming.

RTD was responsible for the Chernobyl meltdown.

That terrible flooding Britain had a couple of weeks back? … That was RTD.

RTD caused the fall of the Roman Empire.

RTD said 'ni' to that old woman.

RTD just threw a brick through my window.

RTD is responsible for me stubbing my toe against a loose floorboard. If this was America, I'd sue him. But RTD would probably win.

RTD shot JFK from the Grassy Knoll on 22 November 1963. With the same gun he would use to kill Elvis fourteen years later.

RTD sabotaged Apollo 13. Just because he could.

It's RTD who revs his car engine outside my window for exactly thirty nine seconds at three minutes past five in the morning, every morning, thus waking me up and making me cranky all day.

RTD didn't pay my phone bill.

Sino-Japanese War, 1930-1945. That was RTD.

The Russian Revolution, 1917. RTD ... and Chris Chibnall.

RTD burned the last copy of Marco Polo and then blamed the BBC.

RTD shot JR, John Lennon, Pope John Paul and Phil Mitchell.

Napoleon still blames RTD for the dreadful events of 1812.

RTD killed Cock Robin.

RTD ate Freddie Starr's Hamster.

RTD really is the Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells

RTD ate more leaves than he should, causing other giraffes to die.

RTD wrote, recorded and distributed the Crazy Frog ringtone.

RTD designed the chaotic traffic systems on either end of the Tyne Bridge.

RTD made Scary Spice pregnant.

RTD engineered the removal of Pluto's status as a planet.

RTD is hard. I'll tell you how hard he is, right. He was hard even before he was hard. That's how hard he is.

RTD got George W Bush elected. Twice.

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to RTD.

RTD bought all of Boyzone's records and made them famous.

RTD was the fire-eating lead singer in The Goombay Dance Band.

RTD is the Illuminati and is responsible for the New World Order, globalisation, America's foreign policy, instability in the Middle East, the massacre of Grozny, Toto Coelo's one hit wonder status, Alan Johnston's kidnapping (and release), the contents of the Diana Memorial Concert. And for Genesis reforming for Live World. The twat.

In 1914, RTD was seen throwing a bomb at the car of the Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand.

RTD made the dodo extinct, cut the tails off Manx cats and caused the platypus to be regarded as a freak of nature.

RTD ate the last After-Eight.

RTD invented Pot Noodles.

RTD kept Terry Waites chained to a radiator for five years. For his own amusement.

RTD named David Beckham's children.

RTD is the reason behind Colin Farrell's unfortunate choice of film roles post Phone Booth.

RTD got Paris Hilton out of jail. Then back in. Then out again.

RTD casts no shadow. He also rolls with it and doesn't look back in anger.

An anagram of RDT is DDT. If you take away the R and add another D.

'Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? RTD, RTD, RTD ate all the pies.'

RTD pretends that he wasn't responsible for Eldorado but we all know the truth.

RTD devised the Self Assessment tax forms.

RTD was entirely responsible for 'Everything I Do (I Do it For You)' being at number one for six years.

RTD was the reason why there were no Britons in the third round at Wimbledon this year.

RTD both smelt it and, indeed, dealt it.

RTD sank The Belgrano.

RTD cut the breaks on the jag and, thus, killed The Stig.

RTD is Sylvester Sneekley.

RTD poo-pooed Captain Blackadder.

RTD is a key member of The Knight's Templer, The Spanish Inquisition, The Masons and The Manchester United Supports Club.

RTD returned a book I loaned him with cigarette burns on the pages, folded corners and a badly creased spine.

RTD genuinely thinks that Hot Fuzz would have been a lot funnier if it had been a vehicle for the Chuckle Brothers.

RTD cancelled Doctor Who in 1985. And 1989. And 1996.

RTD has never once cried at the end of It's A Wonderful Life. In his defence, he gets an uncharacteristic lump in his throat and claims to have something in his eye when Jim Brown dies in The Dirty Dozen. But he cheers right up when Trini Lopez cops it a few moments later.

RTD loves the smell of napalm in the morning.

RTD thought War Of The Daleks was 'really quite decent.'

RTD's favourite sportsman is Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards.

RTD annexed the Sudetenland for Lebensraum.

RTD not only plied Freddie Flintoff with drink and loaned him his pedelo but then he grassed him up to the tabloids like a dirty stinking Copper's Nark.

It was RTD, not Yoko, who caused The Beatles to split up.

RTD left the tape on the lock at the Watergate building.

RTD has just been to the West Indies. He went of his own accord because nobody makes RTD do anything.

RTD tipped off Mary Whitehouse about the end of episode three of The Deadly Assassin.

RTD puts itching powder on the seats of the people who read the Ten O'Clock News.

RTD is utterly convinced that his Montgomery Burns impression is fantastic but when Freema thought he was actually doing a James Mason impression RTD sent her home for eight episodes to 'think about what she's done.' Then he sent her to Torchwood for further punishment.

RTD is scared of Clive Dunn - refusing to believe that in Dad's Army he wore make up to make him look old. He, therefore, believes that Dunn is actually immortal.

RTD thinks you should strangle chickens quickly before they try to make friends with you.

RTD is become RTD, The Destroyer Of Worlds. For RTD is a jealous God and thou shalt worship no other Gods before He.

RTD keeps Nicola Bryant bound and gagged in a metal dustbin in his front room. Each night he goes home from work and bangs the dustbin with a stick for fifteen minutes.

RTD is so hard that he once stared at Ray Winstone for so long that Winstone had to looked away first.

RTD knows where Richie Manic is hiding.

RTD arrives for tone meetings naked except for a Robin Hood hat and carrying a jar of marmite. No one knows why, or dares to ask.

RTD murdered Nancy and let Sid take the rap.

RTD caused an unexpected error and had to close suddenly. He apologised for the inconvenience. Do you want to report him Yes/No?

RTD told Simon Cowell 'nice guys get no viewers. Meaner!'

RTD once killed a sheep with his bare hands. He claimed it was in self-defence, but nobody really believed him.

RTD knows who we are, where we live and has silently vowed to get us all.

RTD caused the universe to stop expanding and forced it to contract to such a degree that I can't even open my front door to feed the cats.

RTD is destroying the rainforest and killing thousands of species every day. He also has the cure for cancer, but won't give it out.

RTD writes letters to the Daily Mail about what he'd like to do to asylum seekers, teenage single mothers and benefit scroungers.

RTD collects the dandruff of all the Doctor Who production team, piles it up in his garden and skis down it on his days off, while singing 'I'm the king of the castle.'

If you roar at RTD he will run away - but he will soon return, in greater numbers.

RTD gave a false description of goods he was selling on amazon. He said they were 'like new' when, in fact, they were merely 'acceptable.'

RTD stalks the countryside at night howling at the moon 'I'll show them all'.

RTD created Windows Vista.

When RTD says 'Stop! Hammer Time!' everyone wears ridiculously baggy trousers and does the silly dance.

When RTD buys tuna, he avoids the tins with the 'dolphin friendly' label.

RTD has the ability to appear in anyone's house when they are asleep but getting ready to awaken. He will sing a few bars of a song and then mysteriously vanish leaving you with the song stuck in your head all day but with no clear idea of why it's there. He favours the Diff'rent Strokes and Littlest Hobo theme songs or, anything from the Brtiney Spears oeuvre.

RTD was 'Pretentious Music Journalist' on Steve Wright In The Afternoon and can often be heard saying 'Rave on!' to no one in particular.

RTD will one day surprise us all with a startling revelation that will make the reason for Dan Brown's continued existence obsolete.

RTD just has to make one telephone call and say one word and that process will turn Keith Chegwin into The Ultimate Assassin.

RTD is not my lover. He's just a guy who claims that I am the one. But the kid is not his son.

Last night, RTD broke into my house, stole everything, and replaced it with an exact replica.

RTD smuggled all the WMDs out of Iraq from under Dubbya's nose.

RTD shot the sheriff and the deputy.

You have probably heard this rumour. That's because RTD started it.

RTD only smokes cigars rolled on the thighs of Hungarian political prisoners.

RTD moves my car keys around so I can't remember where I put them.

It was RTD who grassed up Jezza Clarkson to Ofcom for calling that car 'a bit ginger beer.'

RTD is a Judaeo-Masonic conspiracy.

RTD kidnapped the Lindburgh baby and burned the Reichstag.

I saw RTD speakin' with the Devil!

RTD put the 'bop' in the 'bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop.'

RTD also put to 'ram' in the 'rama-lama-ding-dang.'

RTD also put the 'shoop' in the 'shoop-she-doop-shee-doop.' And RTD made my baby fall in love with me.

RTD forces his maid to polish his collection of life size Daleks for inspection every morning. If The Daleks are not clean to an acceptable standard he releases his pet leopard.

RTD killed Miss Scarlett. In the library. With the lead piping.

Whenever he plays Monopoly, RTD always passes GO and always collects two hundred pounds.

RTD killed Cock Robin and threw pussy down the well.

RTD spies for the FBI.

RTD was the one who left the cake out in the rain.

RTD sows the wind and reaps the whirlwind. Then he harnesses the whirlwind and uses it as a weapon with which to hold the world at ransom. And, also as a power source to run all of the electrical items in his groovy bachelor pad that he shares with his nine virgin Filipino slaves.

By the time he gets to Phoenix, RTD will be risin'.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then RTD will begin.

Prolonged exposure to RTD can cause hallucinations and bladder dysfunction.

RTD is Keyser Söze.

London Bridge didn't fall down, RTD tripped it up.

RTD broke Michael Corleone's heart.

When RTD smiles somewhere a kitten dies.

Right now, RTD is in bed. With your mum.

RTD invited a perpetual motion machine and then burned it along with the blueprints.

When RTD sings, you do hear violins.

RTD is most definitely not 'the bank that likes to say "Yes"'.

RTD is impervious to all substances ... except toast.

When fandom gets too uppity and full of itself, RTD spanks it and sends it to bed.

RTD insists on twisting my melon, man.

Ghosts tell their friends RTD stories.

RTD once killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.

RTD did that to Michael Jackson's face.

Society is not to blame, RTD is.

Johnny Rotten and Steve Jones only swore at Bill Grundy because RTD told them to.

RTD was standing in the wings taunting the elephant that ran amok on Blue Peter.

RTD thinks Eric Roberts is the best. Not the best Master, just the best. Ever.

RTD can take the sunshine and sprinkle it with dew. But he doesn't like to.

RTD sleeps with the light on. Not because RTD is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of RTD.

RTD is bad. Meaning bad.

RTD can eat three Shredded Wheat.

RTD snitched on the Guildford Four, the Birmingham Six and the Shrewsbury Two (yes, even Ricky Tomlinson).

RTD is pathologically afraid of hammocks. He can't even be in the same room as one. Not even folded up.

RTD giggles manically when he sees the ratings for Jekyll.

RTD has been known to flip through the phone book, pick someone at random, and have them killed.

Whenever anybody has to go and see a man about a dog, RTD is The Man they go to see.

If RTD had a fight with Mike Tyson, Lennox Lewis, George Foreman and Smokin' Joe Frazier, RTD would taken them all on at the same time and win and the other four would be reduced to whimpering in the corner for their mummies.

RTD knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

RTD has not only jumped the shark but also jumped the lobster and the squid. He took their wallets and their rolexes.

RTD got my mojo workin' and now I'm rilly built for speed.

RTD killed Trotsky. With an ice-pick. It made his ears burn.

RTD will never reveal his whereabouts on The Day The Music Died.

RTD has no nose. Don't mention this, though, or he will fuck your face in.

RTD sleeps with the fishes. The fishes don't seen to mind, though.

RTD goes to the opera and shouts 'COR LOOK AT THE PACKAGE ON THAT, HUBBA HUBBA' when the male lead comes on. And he won't stop, even when 'sshhh'd' by the rich folk that paid good money to see it.

RTD made up a dance to 'Yes Sir, I Can Boogie' - it's a clumsy, graceless spectacle but when he does it you had better laugh and clap along at his merry antics or he will kill you with his thumbs.

RTD is the twisted puppet-master behind Bob Geldof's reign of terror.

RTD will break you by repeating everything you say parrot fashion until you have been utterly destroyed.

RTD pitied the fools long before Mr T ever did.

RTD's ideal supergroup is fronted by Ken Livingstone. He doesn't care who else is in it.

RTD knows exactly what becomes of the broken-hearted.

RTD has nineteen million,two hundred and seventy four thousand three hundred and fourteen things on his Amazon Wish List.

RTD has just cancelled all of our restaurant reservations.

RTD is responsible for getting Pandora to open her box in the first place and, therefore, everything bad that's ever happened is down to him. And, what's more, all he gave us in return was 'hope.' What kind of a deal is that?

RTD carries around a bag of small pebbles to throw at people he doesn't like the look of.

RTD believes that Derren Brown is his arch-nemesis and that a terrible, Earth-shattering confrontation t'wixt the two is inevitable.

RTD is always standing in the shadows of love.

RTD will tear us apart. Again.

RTD is the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse. Timelash was the Sixth.

RTD once chinned Mr Bonio out of The U2 Group because he thought it was 'time someone did.'

RTD started the Trumpton Riots.

RTD didn't vote for Scooch.

RTD always makes the cash machine swallow my card. Then, he makes the sour faced woman in the bank treat me like a mass murderer when I ask for some money using my driving licence as ID.

When Stagger Lee shot Billy, it was over whether RTD was 'brilliant' or mrely 'good.

RTD said 'let there be light' and there was light. But RTD wasn't happy with it, so stalked around the wet streets of Cardiff till 4am until when he had a better idea.

RTD built this city on rock and roll.

If RTD sez you have to do something, you do it, regardless of what Simon sez.

RTD anchors the evening news. He also invents most of it.

RTD helped Patrick McGoohan escape and knows where Syd Barrett lives.

RTD killed Eric Morecambe and made Ernie Wise unfunny.

RTD throws florins and thru'penny bits at beggars.

RTD is down wit' da kidz.

When jets fly over the Falkland Isles RTD runs around merrily pushing all the penguins over.

RTD kidnapped Michael Stipe and played him 'Shiny Happy People' on a loop until he couldn't stand to hear it any more. Now Michael knows how the rest of us feel.

RTD is the only person in the world able to lick his own elbow.

RTD is both The Resurrection and The Light.

RTD frequently returns ... from beyond the grave!!!!

RTD is a pejorative political or colloquial term used to describe an allegedly predatory (or simply desperate) person or entity. The implication in this usage is that the accused RTD intentionally targets the easiest or weakest people to achieve personally profitable ends.

The only bit of 'Voodoo Child' by Rogue Trader that RTD knows is 'Baby, Baby Baby' and he sings it constantly until you just wish he'd stop.

RTD is the black private dick that's a sex machine with all the chicks. Can you dig it?

RTD once rode a Polar bear from Anchorage, Alaska to Tierra del Fuego just to prove that it could be done. He took a helicopter back to pick up his luggage, leaving the polar bear stranded many thousands of miles from home and rather lonely.

RTD's favourite bits of The Two Ronnies was when Barbara Dickson came on - to this day the only sure-fire way of calming him down and coaxing him out of killing tramps is to play 'Caravan'.

RTD has pet ant called Charlie Watkins. Charlie Watkins is fifty feet long, twenty feet high and will one day destroy the monarchy.

RTD busted Mick and Keef at Redlands because RTD thinks that breaking a butterfly on a wheel is a right bloody fantastic thing to do. RTD, however, does not approve of Mars Bars under any circumstances. Particularly, that one.

RTD is single-handedly keeping the Yellowstone super-volcano from erupting.

RTD is a peanut-bitten monkey and all his friends are junkies.

RTD lives in an igloo made entirely out of whale fat on the banks of the river Ooze.

RTD wrote the popular football terrace chants 'Come And Have a Go If You Think You're Hard Enough' and 'You're So Shit It's Unbelieveable.'

Listen! And understand. RTD is out there! He can't be bargained with, can't be reasoned with! He doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear and he absolutely will not stop. Ever!

RTD does not gaze into The Abyss. The Abyss gazes into RTD.

RTD is responsible for all of the spam in the word. Not just on the Internet but in cans of spam too.

Guns don't kill people: RTD kills people.

RTD was only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.

And, you know, the thing about RTD ... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living ... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then ... ah, then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'.

RTD wasn't even the best drummer in The Beatles.

RTD has used all of his lives and now he plans to steal mine.

RTD threw the first brick at the Notting Hill riots and then casually strolled away.

RTD advised Kylie that what 'Can't You Out Of My Head' really needed was a catchy 'na-na-na' chorus.

RTD has - and retains - both da poison and da rey-maaaaa-deee...

If you were to be squatting pissed in a tube-hole in Tottenham Court Road, talkin' to the most blonde y'ever met, RTD would be shouting 'lager, lager, lager, mega, mega white-thing' before going back to Romford.

RTD shot Josh Lyman.

RTD's density is greater than that of Uranium.

RTD shouts 'Scrubbers' at school girls. If questioned on this he'll reply 'Little tarts, they love it.'

RTD is orchestrating a world-wide terror programme by hiring old people to drive slowly in the fast lane with their left indicator on.

RTD does not help the aged. Why should he, he's RTD?

Gordon Ramsey told RTD to moderate his language and show some fucking passion. Just once.

RTD invented The Hucklebuck. RTD, therefore, considers that if you don't know how to do it then you really are out of luck.

RTD is wholly responsible for the London 2012 logo.

RTD was the creative force behind rock and roll. He also invented RnB, Surf, Merseybeat, Mod, Folk-Rock, Psyche, Acid-Rock, Soul, Glam, Funk, Disco, Punk, Indie, Grunge, Britpop, Dadrock, House, Trance, Ragga, Ambient, Jungle, Gangsta Rap, Handbag and Techno. But not Metal or Prog. Obviously.

RTD created the CSI franchise just so he can hide his victims in plain sight.

RTD is the evil mastermind behind the collapse of Steve Gutenberg's career.

RTD told me it was fun to stay at the YMCA. However, it wasn't, it was only mildly enjoyable.

RTD has only got one ball. The other, is in the Albert Hall.

God doesn't do bad things to good people, RTD does.

RTD wants to reintroduce slavery, hanging, transportation to the colonies and sticking children up chimneys.

Late one dark and stormy night, RTD sneaked inside Tony Christie's head and removed all knowledge of how to get to Amarillo.

.sdrawkcab siht tsop em edam DTR

I had a brilliant line, certain to cause hilarity. Unfortunately, RTD made me forget it.

Thanks to:
ourmutualfriend, skywise, IMForeman, phaser, Nick Barlow, Paul Jennings, QuerulousQuirk, Lee Carey, theevilfridge, Doc Filth, bluebottle, Balbinder Mann, rumleech, Will4321, Simma, Herbert West, peterorange, Dalek Warhol, cushing1967, sheringham, Gazza Innit, NethDugan, Local Member, captainjamesbrooke, Matt Saffery, delgardofan, MoonAura, Krimson Gray, Raj Kaputni, Vid Vicious, johnstone666, Paul Jennings, Doctor_Occupant, Evil Soup Dragon, hacketm, Jiver, Rob Stickler, veemoffa, Coriander, mrdavros, Crayola of Doodah, Phantom Lamb, Jaimie 93, Timelord Dan, tomrichr6 and everyone else who contributed to the RTD Caused Global Warming thread.

And Russell, if by some miracle of the Intraweb you're reading this, keep doin' it all, matey.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Today's "Thoughts For Today"

Today's two Thoughts For The Day both come from Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais's seminal 1976 big-screen adaptation of The Likely Lads.

Terry Collier: 'Working class sentiment is an indulgence for working class people who've cracked it through football or rock and roll!'


Bob Ferris: 'In the chocolate box of life, the top layer's almost gone. And somebody's nicked the Orange Creme from the bottom.'

Oh lads, yer actual Keith Telly Topping know so much how you feel...

This blogger got his review copy of The Alistair Campbell Diaries delivered yesterday. With, I kid you not, the following message printed - IN RED CAPITALS - across the envelope.

Yes, it even had the exclamation mark.

And, of course, this blogger received the book on ... 11 July. So, no chance of me spilling any state secrets pre-publication even if I wanted to!

Oh, incidentally, if anybody wants to check this out, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has joined the latter half of the Nineteenth Century and got himself on Facebook. Please bombard him with your death threats, sorry friendship, as much as you like.

Current Listening:
Bill Drummond - 'Julian Cope is Dead'
Robert Lloyd & The New Four Seasons - 'Something Nice'
The House Of Love - 'Fisherman's Tale'
Strawberry Switchblade - 'Trees & Flowers'
Dreadzone - 'Little Britain' (vocal mix)
Working Week - 'Venceremos'
A Guy Called Gerald - 'Voodoo Ray'

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Bet This One Doesn't Get The Attention The Last One Got!

'I'm a tiger when my dander's up - The Talons Of Weng-Chiang, episode five.

Saluté to everyone who took the trouble to comment on The Fan's Phrasebook. As noted in the previous 'Comment' section, this blogger genuinely didn't expect that (though I was, kind of, hoping for a few death threats).

Current listening:
Strawberry Switchblade (this blogger was so happy to have finally tracked down a copy of the single version of 'Tress & Flowers' on MP3 he could, literally, spew).
Zebda & Asian Dub Foundation's amazing, energetic cover of 'Police On My Back'.
Kylie ('Na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na' ... will somebody please stop the chanting in my mind).
Goldfrapp (ditto!)
Rogue Traders (RTD has a Hell of lot to answer for, frankly).
PJ Harvey
Orange Juice
Third World
The KLF (Chill Out - mmmm ... ambient-y!)
Underworld (dug out Beaucoup Fish for the first time in ... well, a long time. Fantastic stuff, particularly 'King Of Snake' and 'Bruce Lee').
james (Keith telly Topping is playing the bloody arse out of One Man Clapping at the moment having finally been able to put his vinyl copy to bed for the last time).
The Edgar Broughton Band (particularly 'Out Demons Out' and the awesome 'There's No Vibrations, But Wait...' which sounds like it was recorded by some black dudes in New York last week rather than as 'track four on a prog-rock album recorded in Warwickshire by long haired white men in 1971'
Keef Hartley Band  - check out 'The Dansette Kid' especially.
Gentle Giant's 'Alucard'. (Once described by someone writing in Uncut as "Theme to The Sweeney hijacked by Satan!")

Anyway, hopefully the rain has stopped wherever you are and the sun's back out. It is here so I'm going out to enjoy it. Who knows, this year summer might be, as it always used to be, 'four nice days in July.'

Saturday, July 07, 2007

The Doctor Who Fan's Phrasebook

Well, it hasn't 'alf been a right funny old week to be a Doctor Who fan, and that's a bloomin' fact!

The casting announcements of, firstly, Kylie Minogue on Monday and then, Catherine Tate on Tuesday sent the usually reasonably calm Outpost Gallifrey forum – to which this blogger is a contributor - into virtual meltdown. No, actually, that's a complete lie. It's never calm, 'reasonably' or otherwise. Anyway a lot of the threads this week, unfortunately, were rather crude, full of spiteful comments made in haste and it all ended in a huge fight … So, no change there, then. This is particularly true of those many threads regarding Cat Tate. Poor lass, she’s walked right into the middle of a tempest of bombast with this one. Amid all this, however, were a couple of absolute twenty four-carat comedy gems that kind of reminded you exactly why you hang around the place.

One, a humorous thread in which posters were given the opportunity to blame all of the problems of the world on Russell Davies – since he seems to be getting the blame for lots of stuff from those who don't like his casting decision - called RTD Caused Global Warming! got close on one thousand posts at the time of writing and includes some of the funniest stuff the board had seen in years. Amazingly, however, that wasn't even the most amusing OG thread of the week.

What follows are extracts from a thread called The Fan’s Phrasebook. Some of them are this blogger's contributions, but many are not and are the work of others listed at the foot of the page. Remember, if you can't laugh at yourself - and your friends - then there really is something seriously wrong with you.

Here are a wide selection of commonly used Doctor Who fan comments posted – some with truly monotonous regularity - onto the Outpost Gallifrey forum. Underneath, you will find their translations into English. If you recognise yourself in any of these then that probably makes two of us.


“I am proud to be a Doctor Who fan.”
I am scum. I am a socially maladjusted retard who is nervous around the opposite sex. I am either a spiteful and dour malcontent with a cynically vicious streak so wide my anorak has had to be made by a special tailor or a verbose and inanely positive Special Needs creep who is easily pleased by the most charmless and bland lowest-common-denominator television imaginable. My next reply will tell you which...

“I've been a Doctor Who fan since the series began.”
I am 46 and can just about remember William Hartnell.

“I've been a Doctor Who fan since the 1960s.”
I am 43 and can just about remember Patrick Troughton.

“I've been a Doctor Who fan since the 1970s.”
I am 39 and can just about remember Jon Pertwee.

“I've been a Doctor Who fan since the Golden Days.”
I am 35 and can just about remember 'The Talons of Weng Chiang'

“I've been a Doctor Who fan for many years.”
I am 20, and lying my head off in the vague hope that claiming to be older than I am will make me seem more windswept and interesting to those that I virtually interact with.

I am old enough to remember rec.arts.drwho. And to shudder at the very mention of its name.

“I am a recognised authority on Doctor Who.”
I have an Internet blog which is read by just three people. And they only read it so they can laugh at me.

“I, actually, know what I'm talking about.”
I, actually, don't know what I'm talking about in the slightest.

“I felt that Story X was a bit weak.”
Why am I not producing this show? And directing it? And writing it? And why am I not playing the Doctor and/or his assistant?

“Why did this happen/that happen/he say that? That doesn't make any sense!”
Like most of my generation, I have the attention span of the average goldfish and, therefore, completely missed the point of whatever it is that I'm complaining about? Sorry, what was the question again? ... Do I know you?

"The Doctor's line about xxxx directly contradicts what he said in ..."
I am, apparently, unaware that Doctor Who is a fictional television show written by lots of different people.

"You are, apparently, unaware that Doctor Who is a fictional television show written by lots of different people."
Look at me, everybody, I'm making some Saddo with borderline Autism look like a clown! Aren't I just, like, the coolest kiddie that ever did walk the earth?! I think I'll go out a beat up some cripples next.

"The BBC has stated that it has a long term commitment to Doctor Who."
If they cancel it, I'll cry.

"RTD has ruined the old 'community spirit' of fandom."
I am conveniently forgetting 'The DWB Wars', 'the rec.arts.drwho Years' and every other fandom spat - large or small - in living memory. I am also annoyed that all of the little "keeping the spirit alive" fiefdoms that were carefully built whilst Doctor Who was off the air - DWAS, Big Finish, BBC Books, the Restoration Team, and, yes even Outpost Gally itself - have been rendered almost redundant by the new series which simply doesn't need fandom anymore. This makes me bitter and long for the days when Doctor Who used to belong to me and a few of my friends.

“I am not in the UK, but ...”
I am praying that nobody asks me the blatantly obvious question of how I can possibly pass comment on episodes that I cannot, legally, have seen yet.

"A typical fan" (cynical viewpoint.)
An anally-retentive, socially inept, sexually immature sheep.

"A typical fan" (slightly more positive viewpoint.)
An enthusiastic (if occasionally a bit scary), reasonably intelligent and well-read type with a fun outlook and a thirst for adventure. But also, an anally-retentive, socially inept and sexually immature sheep.

"A typical fan" (sexual orientation viewpoint.)
Fifty percent probability that they're gay. Unless they're - aggressively - not. In which case, they almost certainly are, they just haven't got around to telling their parents or friends yet. And, also, an anally-retentive, socially inept, sexually immature sheep.

Fandom Buzzwords:

“That’s nothing but ‘stunt casting’.”
They've just cast somebody that I’ve actually heard of in Doctor Who.

“That was nothing but a load of old ‘fanwank’.”
They've just made a continuity reference that I don't like in Doctor Who.

“Why do we have all these deus ex machina endings?”
Look Ma! I'm using Latin on the Internet!

“Occam's Razor / Straw Man / Oxymoron / Faux-naïf / Gravitas.
I don't really know what any of these words mean, but when I use them in a sentence they make me look far more intelligent than I actually am. In my mind.

“This episode was cringeworthy in the extreme.”
I live in a state of near permanent embarrassment and have extreme difficulty in expressing myself without resorting to outrageous over-exaggeration and somewhat crass clichés.

That was a mildly amusing comment. I rather wish I'd said it.

“I am a serious Whovianologist.”
It's not the size of the made-up word that’s important, it's what you do with it that counts.

“Zygon porn.”
I’ve got my hopes up way too high.

"Bland Hollywood-style sentimentality."
A positive portrayal of human nature. Please note that if everybody dies in a massive bloodbath, I shall not be complaining about "shallow Hollywood-style cynicism."

“I couldn't possibly comment.”
Yes, what you’ve just said is exactly what I meant in my previous – highly euphemistic - posting. But I really don't want to get sued or thrown off this board for saying that so, you know, schtum.

“Rose was a chav.”
I have seldom met any real people, let alone any actual chavs. And, if I ever did, I would undoubtedly get my head kicked in.

“A plot hole big enough to pilot the TARDIS through.”
I didn't understand that bit. There was some sort of explanation going on but I was fiddling with the remote control at the time and I missed it.

"As ever, treat this as 'a rumour' until told otherwise."
As ever, treat this as "a total, complete and utter lie" until told otherwise.

“A blatant plot device.”
An element of the episode whose relevance I spotted two minutes before my parents. Aren't I clever, eh? Why isn't everybody talking about me, me, me, me, me, me?

“irony (aeIroni), n. 1. An English invention in which one says something that one does not necessarily mean. For the purposes of Merriment and Japery. 2. Like "goldy" or "brassy" but with iron. 3. What you mum does with your shirts after washing.”
I once had a couple of jokes printed in Private Eye. Not, necessarily, MY jokes you understand, but...

Dude, I am 14. I've just discovered that saying "pfft … yeah, right" in an ironic and casual way when somebody says something enthusiastic will, depending on the circumstances, either get other 14 year olds smirking and thinking I’m, like, premo-rad or will make the enthusiastic person embarrassed and angry and we can have a fight. Which I'll, like, totally win. Cos I'm pure dead hard, so I am.

“It's not 'Canon'.”
I've not seen/read/heard this text you mention and, therefore, I don't like it.

“The TV Movie is Canon, the New Series is not.”
I have an almighty crush on Paul McGann and am still sulking because they never made a series with him.

Absolutely anything in Doctor Who that's remotely connected to contemporary Earth or working-class people.

Something has happened in Doctor Who this week that’s a little bit like something I've seen once before in Doctor Who.

“This is NOT Doctor Who. Doctor Who is being ‘dumbed down’!!!”
Something has happened in Doctor Who this week the like of which I have never seen before. This both confuses and upsets me greatly.

"Doctor Who has never been more vibrant, cutting-edge, thrusting and vital."
I am delighted that, these days, I can go out in public in a Dalek T-shirt and not have people laughing at me and calling me a spastic.

Blatant rip-offs.

”An homage.”
A blatant rip-off.

”A pastiche.”
A blatant rip-off.

”An influence.”
A blatant rip-off.

”A nod.”
A freely-acknowledged blatant rip-off.

“The Silent Majority.”
A collection of people who don’t exist. I’ve just made them up so that I can claim to speak for them.

“The Silent Minority.”
About twenty loud-mouthed philistines who post onto this board and who are, quite frankly, anything but silent.

“The reset button.”
A logical plot resolution to this week's episode which I am going to complain about. A lot.

“Boring, boring, boring.”
Oh dear… Lawrence has been drinking too much coffee again.

The Classic Series:

“The Classic series.”
Any four or five year period of Doctor Who between the years 1963 and 1989 that I really liked.

“The Classic Series was much better.”
The world was so much simpler when I was younger.

“Doctor Who in the 1960s, 70s and early 80s was a much-loved British institution, frequently referenced in other media as a sign on its high standing within British culture. It demanded total respect within the industry and the media at large because of its outstanding storytelling, cutting-edge minimalist designs and clever construction.”
Doctor Who in the 1960s, 70s and early 80s was a television show that most people watched but had pretty much grown out of by the time they reached the age of sixteen and discovered the opposite sex. The reason it maintained such a healthy audience was because there were only three TV channels in Britain in those days and if you weren't an intellectual, you didn't watch BBC2. Most people watched it simply out of habit. Doctor Who was the frequent butt of jokes by stand-up comedians because of its well-recognised clichéd elements like wooden acting, cheap sets and even cheaper spacecraft. The phrase "it's like something off of Doctor Who" would be used by ignorant twats, like your dad, to describe anything weird that they didn't understand and/or didn't like - for example, some really cool band with purple hair on Top of the Pops. The hard kids at school NEVER liked Doctor Who and, if you mentioned it in their vicinity they would fist you in the face just on general principle.

“Sydney Newman’s original concept was for a programme that would educate viewers rather than the glitzy nonsense we have now.”
A cliché is still a cliché, no matter how flowery the delivery. No poetry. No soul.

“The maturity, quality and depth of the Classic Series still astonishes.”
Listen, I liked wobbly sets, rocks made of polystyrene, plots ripped-off from every movie Hammer ever made and spaceships made out of tin foil and sticky-backed plastic.

“A far cry from the pantomime the programme became in the Eighties.”
I'm wholly oblivious to the irony and hypocrisy of defending the new series by attacking an era that others cherish.

“Doctor Who used to be scary!”
I'm completely unable to assimilate the fact that the sort of reaction which led me to sleep with the lights on for a fortnight when I was five cannot possibly be replicated when I'm forty.

"Doctor Who used to be scary!" (slight return)
'Horror of Fang Rock' made me wet the bed when I was six.

“Terrance Dicks should write for New Who.”
Terrance Dicks last wrote for television in 1983. I, however, am unable to accept that television scripting has changed significantly in the last twenty five years.

“There should be more horror like it used to be.”
I am conveniently ignoring everything in the classic series except for the Philip Hinchcliffe era. Besides, I don't like “funny stuff” and episodes featuring songs by the Scissors Sisters make me rather nervous for reasons I cannot accurately describe.

The Classic Series and Sex:

“The Classic Series had stories with more depth and gravitas.”
I want a companion with large breasts.

“Nothing can ever come close to Tom Baker's Doctor. He was the best.”
I had my first sexual experience ogling Louise Jameson's loincloth. In fact, I’m getting a stiffy right now just thinking about it. Excuse, I’m going to have to go offline for a few moments.

“I thought Romana was an excellent foil for the Doctor and brought an intelligence to the companion role not seen since Liz Shaw.”
I like posh birds, me.

“Let's face it Doctor Who companions have always been - essentially - lust objects.”
The first stirrings of my sexual awakening was a dream I had in 1983 about me taking Tegan, roughly, up the Gary Glitter. I've been in therapy ever since.

Outpost Gallifrey - Code of Conduct:

“Oops, double post.”
Outpost Gallifrey's sodding server is unable to cope with my MASSIVE wit yet again. Bollocks. And it was a good'un an'all...

“That could be considered a Code of Conduct violation.”
"I'm gonna grass you up like a Copper's nark!"

“... and you felt you had to start your own thread on this subject when one already exists, because?”
"I am an officious pedant ... And, I'm gonna grass you up like a Copper's nark!"

"I have informed the Moderators about this clear breach of the Code of Conduct."
I was the school sneak when I was twelve. Therefore, I have already grassed you up like a Copper's nark!

"I've been Rocker'd."
I've been nabbed by The Mods.

“Read the Code of Conduct.”
“The next time you call Catherine Tate "a talentless bimbo" or anything even remotely like it, you're out of here.”

“Only people who lack critical faculties like RTD's Doctor Who.”
I'm not sure what a "faculty" is, exactly - but I've figured out that this is a clever way of appearing to call people stupid without actually breaching the Code of Conduct.

“With all due respect…”
I think you are bottom-feeding scum with opinions of no value whatsoever to man nor beast. Unfortunately, we have this damn Code of Conduct so I'm biting my lip and taking the piss out of you at the same time.

Outpost Gallifrey - Net Shorthand:

“You forgot to write ‘IMO’.”
I am too stupid to realise that everything posted on this board, and indeed on the entire Internet is – by definition - someone’s opinion. Otherwise they wouldn’t bother to say it in the first place.

"IMHO ."
I am American.

"(Sp?) "
I am illiterate.

“That was really funny! LOL! LOL!”
I found your post vaguely amusing but I wanted to flatter you.

”I just spat Tango over my keyboard when you said that.”
I found your post vaguely amusing but I wanted to flatter you.

I found your post vaguely amusing but I wanted to flatter you.

"U guys dont lik DR Hoo, do you? U suck. Wot a bunch of looosers!!!!!"
Mom and dad are out for the night and they've left the computer on.

I fancy that David Tennant quite a lot.

Outpost Gallifrey - Lexicon:

“There's too much squeeeing in the New Series forum.”
I am a sour and bitter cynic who has had all of the joy crushed out of him by the relentless disappointments of his life and consequently feel uncomfortable with effusive displays of naked enthusiasm. I intend to drag everybody else into my pit of misery with me. I’ve suffered for my art, now it’s your turn.

“Not We’s.”
"Normal" people.

“The viewing public.”
A bunch of semi-educated, sub-literate Troglodytes whose dull minds would shrivel upon contact with my leviathan of an intellect, and whose continued shallow happiness cruelly mocks my vastly superior cynicism. How I loathe them and all they stand for.

“He’s an assertive online personality.”
He’s an rather sinister overgrown school-bully in his forties who loves being able to dominate immature fanboys because he can string four words together and has some vague connection to the programme. Worse, he thinks he is SO totally effing cool despite the fact that - as a Doctor Who fan - he, inherently, isn't. What an effing tool, he is.

“Rubbish. Absolute rubbish. I only gave it 1/5 cos there wasn't a 0 option.”
I didn't particularly like it this week.

“Fantastic! Best of the best, I only gave it 5/5 cos there wasn't a 6 option.”
I thought it was quite good this week.

“Am I the only one that thinks that...?”
I'm clearly not the only one that thinks that... But you can bet that I'm probably in a very small minority.

“I'm not sure if anybody else has already mentioned this, but...”
I am far too lazy to read through sixty previous posts on this thread, despite the fact that ten of them are from people in my ignore file and another fifteen are one-liners from people who think they're pure-dead funny like that Topping berk, but, anyway here’s what I think.. Oh, several people HAVE already mentioned it? Well, what the hell, I’m going to mention it anyway because it's vitally important that you all hear what I have to say on the subject.

Outpost Gallifrey – Generalisations:

"Worst! Episode! Ever!"
Yes, I saw that episode of The Simpsons as well. And yes, I am aware that the character who said that line is supposed to be a parody of me, personally. Ironic, you say? Please explain further.

"That's 45 minutes of my life I'll never get back"
... on the other hand, if I hadn't been watching the episode, I'd just have been sitting in my gaff staring at the wall being miserable. So at least it's given me something to talk to other people about.

"It just goes to show, yet again, how poor [episode title] was."
I have become so obsessed with my deep and abiding loathing for a particular episode that I am forced to mention this fact in every single thread relating to any subject for the rest of the season and possibly well beyond.

“Most fans hated that episode.”
Most fans – who expressed a preference - actually liked that episode. I just can't bothered to check the poll at the top of this page.

“My friends all disliked that episode.”
Actually, I have no friends whatsoever but I thought that if I said I did on an Internet forum people might believe that I do and, as a consequence, talk to me.

“There is too much juvenile humour in New Who.”
I don't have any friends and therefore cannot appreciate that most people use humour to relate to others and alleviate difficult situations.

"That was awesome!"
I wear a baseball cap on, backwards.

“That episode was rubbish even though most critics liked it.”
Any old idiot can become a critic.

"This episode was vexatious and ill-conceived, too many plot points were left unexplained leading me to suspect that the writer was either being deliberately obtuse or is just plain incompetent.”
My day job is as a librarian which gives me lots of time to read big words in the dictionary. However, I'd really like to be a television critic - for one of the "quality" newspapers, of course - and am stunned that no one's ever asked me to do just that. In the evening, I strangle my pets...

Outpost Gallifrey – Conflict:

“You are, of course, correct. My mistake. Thanks for pointing that out.”

“You are, once again, absolutely correct to notice my elementary schoolboy error. Many apologies.”
Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, bloody pick...

“Hey, that's no problem. We're all friends here, right?”
I'm gonna wait for you in the tall grass, Mister. I'm gonna stalk you and then one day, when you least except it, I'm gonna pick you up before you've even fallen down with THE most pithy and smart-Alec retort you've ever heard in your entire miserable life and you're gonna look about THAT big. And then who'll be laughing? Pffft, not you matey, that's for sure...

“We should all respect each other's opinions .”

“I have to say, whilst not wishing to cast doubt upon the veracity of your claims that you could produce a better episode than RTD, you haven't said exactly what sort of television experience you, yourself have.”
Oh, I see. So you're the Big-Brained-Fucking-Expert on all things telly around these parts? Okay then, Big Boy, whaddya've got?

“I sincerely doubt that.”
I have an O level pass in Advanced Smugness.

"You are the voice of reason. An oasis of sanity in a desert of madness. My compliments."
Thank Christ for that, someone has finally had the outright good sense to agree with me. I was getting really worried there for a moment. Will you marry me and have my babies?

“A little harsh, I feel.”
If we were in a pub, you'd be picking up your teeth off the floor right now.

“That really isn't very nice.”
If we were in a pub, they'd be loading you into the ambulance right now.

“I don't wish to seem dismissive of your views, which are obviously sincerely held...”
Pffft! You utter wanker!

“It hurts me to say this, but...”
It completely delights me to say this, but...

“To an extent, you're correct. But…”
You are completely and totally correct in every way except one which I'm now going to drone on and on about for a few hundred words until everybody forgets that I've, essentially, conceded the rest of the argument to you.

"Okay, well let's just agree to disagree on that one.”
I'm losing this argument badly - can we just stop now without me losing too much face?

“I'm entitled to my opinion.”
I really didn't think about that previous post, at all, did I?

“You have every right to your own opinions just as I have every right to mine.”
Thank you for your timely reminder of what "Ignore Files" are for.

“You can't post anything negative on here without being jumped on.”
I posted an opinion on a forum and someone disagreed with it.

“I can't post on this forum without RTD's feckless thugs ganging up on me!”
I posted an opinion on a forum and several people disagreed with it.

“This forum is full of RTD fanboys who like any old rubbish that he gives them.”
I posted and opinion on a forum and several people disagreed with it which upset me because it physically hurts me when people like things that I don't.

“You're trying to shout me down!”
You are disagreeing with me. And you're actually making pretty good counter-arguments.

“My opinions are being dismissed! Ever heard of free speech?!”
I have no idea what the concept of "free speech" actually entails.

“I am right and I will be proved right in the end.”
Are you looking at me in a funny way? Right. You. Outside. Now!

“That's it! I've had enough! I'm leaving!”
I appear to have lost the argument. My next port of call will be to re-register myself under a different screen-name in a few days and start the same argument all over again in the hope that I’ll win second time around. If that doesn’t work, I’ve got a third alias already sorted.

"This is the first time I have ever posted onto this forum."
This is the first time I have posted onto this forum using this particular screen-name. You'll be hearing a lot more from me. Though not, necessarily, using this particular screen-name.

Outpost Gallifrey – The "I Can’t Be Arsed" Section:

“Fixed that for you.”
I can't be arsed to type a proper reply, it's so much quicker to edit your original post into something humorous or slightly risqué.

“Quoted for truth.”
I can't be arsed to type any reply at all.

"What He said."
I also can't be arsed to type any reply at all.

“I can't believe you just posted that.”
I can't be arsed to read this thread properly so I missed the first poster trying to be ironic. And even if I had realised that, I wouldn't have got it anyway since I don't have a sense of humour of any description. Why are you laughing at me?

I can't be arsed to come up with a witty retort to that last post so I'm just going to use "whatever!" instead.

Self-Aggrandisement and Reflected Glory:

“The last time I talked to Steven Moffett he told me about this idea he had for a story where...”
I have never talked to Steven Moffat. See, I can't even spell his name properly. However, I was once in the same pub as him. I smiled at him and he backed away nervously.

“... and I think Paul Cornell was there at time if I remember correctly.”
… Paul Cornell was also there. He was, also, backing away nervously.

“I remember talking to Paul Cornell in the Fitzroy once and he said...”

"Somebody really should have a quiet word in Russell's ear about stuff like this."
I have a massively inflated sense of my own importance and how much weight my opinions carry in certain circles.

The New Series:

"Wow! I am totally speechless. That has to be, like, the greatest single bit of television drama that has ever been made!"
Wow! I am clearly *not* speechless since I was able to form a relatively coherent sentence there (well, as close I can get to a relatively coherent sentence, anyway). However, equally clearly, I have never seen I Claudius, The Singing Detective, Talking to a Stranger, The Year of the Sex Olympics, State of Play, Our Friends in the North (despite Eccleston and Daniel Craig being in it), Blue Remembered Hills, Scum, Ready When You Are Mr McGill, House of Cards, Edge of Darkness, Auf Wiedersehen Pet or, even the 1980 Christmas episode of Shoestring. I have, on the other hand, seen 'The Aztecs'. But that was in black and white and was just four episodes of people talking in cod-Shakespeare accents. Nevertheless, despite this I am still sticking to my laughably sweeping statement that an episode of Doctor Who surpasses every single bit of television ever made by anyone. Ever. In the whole world. Bar none.

“Doctor Who these days is not a patch on the Classic series.”
Girls like it. Urgh! It can't be any good if girls like it.

“Why did the last scene have to ruin it?”
I loved 98% of this episode.

“I have just watched what can only be described as THE worst episode of Doctor Who that I have ever witnessed in all my life. Bar none. How can this complete drivel be acceptable to anyone? Fellow fans, I urge you, join with me in a campaign to rid ourselves of this plague that calls itself RTD.”
Never post angry.

"Enough, already."
I watch a lot of American sitcoms and believe that talking like a New York Jew is really cool even though I am from Stoke-on-Trent myself.

"It hasn't been the same since Ecclestone left."
Despite watching thirteen episodes featuring the award-winning, large-eared Northern actor, I still cannot get close to spelling his surname correctly.

"I was not overly impressed."
I bastard-well hated it.

“I genuinely wish I'd enjoyed it, but I didn't.”
I genuinely enjoy being dismissive and trite as often as possible.

“If the show carries on like this, I won't be watching again.”
Wild horses wouldn't stop me from tuning in next week.

“I, for one, will not be watching next week...”
I, for one, will definitely be watching next week. And, moaning about the episode in the Rate thread at least five minutes before the end...

“Do you plan to boycott Season Four?”
217 days before the transmission of a television series, would you care to discuss - at perfectly enormous length - the pros and cons of whether you intend to watch it or not. Even though we both know it's more likely that pigs will fly than you'll miss a single second once it's on.

“OMG Feema Agueman was so bad wens Roze coming back? LOL.”
I fancy Billie Piper but have forgotten how to work the DVD player, and I can't read, so I don't know what else she might be in.

“I will never watch 'Love & Monsters' again as long as I live!!!!!!!”
I actually watched 'Love & Monsters' last week and, for most of it, forgot that I was supposed to hate it.

“The Doctor should have more gravitas.”
I am too lazy to read any serious literature.

“Nu Who is way too soapy.”
I don't watch soap-operas and, therefore, have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. And I cannot spell the word ‘new’ either. I also sometimes have trouble with other words like ‘for’, ‘you’ and ‘too’.

“The constant references to Bad Wolf/Torchwood/Saxon lacked subtlety.”
I managed to spot one of these references myself without having to read about it on Wikipedia the following day. I felt like a God as a result.

“Why can't we see more alien planets?”
I have no concept of the economics of television production.

“Robert Holmes must be turning in his grave.”
I specialise in making tasteless and inappropriate comments about dead former members of the Doctor Who production team.

“Robert Holmes would never have written fart gags.”
I have clearly never paid any attention to a single story written by Robert Holmes.

“I wish they would get rid of all these pathetic pop-culture references which will age so quickly.”
I have absolutely no idea who or what they are talking about when they make these references and that makes me feel desperately uncool.

“If I recall correctly...”
Who the Hell am I kidding? I ALWAYS recall correctly. I can remember the Logopolitan code for restoring the TARDIS down to the last hexadecimal. But I don't want everyone here to think I'm, like, really Sad or anything.

“The dialogue in that scene was nothing but a massive info-dump.”
I am an expert in every line of every script of every Doctor Who episode ever broadcast and, consequently, I resent the fact that writers consider it necessary to explain things like continuity to people who are less dedicated than I am.

“I want Sally Sparrow to be the next companion/ the Ice Warriors in Season Four/ An explanation of the Time War/ Paul McGann to come back/ A sequel to Mawdryn Undead...”
I want a pony! Please, please, please, Santa, can I have a pony? Pleeeeeaassseeeeee?

“It just isn't Doctor Who as I know it.”
It just isn't my nostalgic memories of whatever bit of Doctor Who happened to be on when I was eight years old and, as a consequence, extremely impressionable.

”Doctor Who shouldn't spend so much time on present day Earth.”
Jon who?

“Forty five minutes isn't long enough for a Doctor Who story.”
I really miss having two episodes worth of corridor scenes in every story.

“All stories should be two parters.”
No, really - I only used to watch the show for the corridor scenes.

“I love DW for its flexible format.”
Every episode of this show should be set in Victorian or Edwardian England, with the Doctor wearing period clothes. And with a really fit bird by his side.

“Bad Wolf? Torchwood? Mr Saxon? What’s all that about then?”
Most of my contemporaries watch brave, complex, challenging and impressive television series like Lost, The West Wing and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, yet I still can't get my head around the idea of season-long plot threads.

“They should make the seasons shorter so they've got enough money to make the show in HD.”
I've just bought an Hi Def telly and I want to boast about it. I feel a bit of a twit, actually, because nothing I want to watch is broadcast in HD yet.

“People who find fault with New Who are WRONG, not to mention STUPID!”
I become almost psychotic when confronted with people who don't think exactly the same as me because I'm always RIGHT. That’s why I spell out words in capital letters occasionally.

"I don't understand why everyone likes 'Blink' so much, it didn't do anything for me."
What the Hell that all THAT about? Bor-ring. Where was the Doctor? Or the Daleks? I didn't like it. Can I have an ice cream?

“The windows in the TARDIS are the wrong size. If they can't get something simple like that right, then what hope is there?”
I get worried about the little things in life. This is because I wish to avoid dealing with the important stuff. Please don't distract me from my obsessions - you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

“I love the new series, unlike all of those dreadful NA-loving naysayers.”
I have never read any of the Virgin or BBC Doctor Who novels of the 1990s. However, I once had a brief argument with someone who had which has lead me to the firm conclusion that everyone connected with both ranges and everyone who read them are militantly opposed to the new series. This, despite the fact that several of the authors and many of the readers of these books who post on this board are amongst the new series' most vocal and eloquent supporters, a number of authors work on the show itself and one of them is the Executive Producer.

“The next book they ought to adapt is The Eight Doctors.”
I am quite insane.

“They should get Adam Rickett in as the new Doctor or, failing that, his assistant.”
My name is Sparacus. You will remember it.

"If someone had told me, three years ago, that Doctor Who would be getting eight million viewers and would be the cornerstone of the BBCs Saturday night drama policy, I'd have laughed in their faces."
I was highly sceptical that a seemingly tired and jaded 1960s TV format could survive and flourish in the massively changed world of the 21st Century. I was hugely wrong and I am delighted to have been so. Parrrr-tae!

The New Series and Sex:

“Why do the Doctor's companions love him all a sudden? In the old series they never had any sign of romance.”
I've never watched a single episode featuring Jamie. Or Jo. Or Sarah. Or Romana. Or Grace. Etc...

“The Doctor shouldn't kiss people he meets on his travels. That's so passe.”
I've never told anyone this, but I'm a little uncomfortable with my body.

“Why does RTD have to put something camp in every episode?”
I am worried that people at work might think that because I am a Doctor Who fan, I am also gay. Which I’m not.

“RTD cannot write to save his life.”
I have never seen anything else that Russell Davies has ever written apart from Doctor Who. Didn’t he write something about poufs? I wouldn’t watch that. I’m not gay, I’m straight, me. Have I mentioned, recently, that I’m straight? Because, I am. Totally.

I keep dreaming about bare-chested sailors rubbing baby oil on themselves and I'm really quite worried about it. Because I’m straight, do you hear? Straight! Completely straight!

"The reactions of those girls on the Whogasm video were embarrassingly over the top."
Girls never make those sorts of noises when I'm around. Why is that? And what's an "orgasm" anyway?

“I loathe all the 'Dancing' references in Stephen Moffett's scripts.”
I am 29 years old and still a virgin. Girls won't look at me and this makes me really unhappy. Sometimes I sit in the flat I share with my aged mother and cry myself to sleep. Oh why, oh why, oh why don't nice girls like me? Sure I've got acne and body odour and a very small penis but, it's the personality that counts, right? That’s what my mother always tells me. And I've got every single bit of Doctor Who merchandise ever released, that should be a conversation starter, shouldn't it? Oh, and I cannot spell Steven Moffat either.

“By making the Doctor explicitly heterosexual, Russell T Davies has taken away a role model for anyone who is uncertain about their sexuality.”
I find it utterly impossible to identify with someone who doesn't fancy exactly the same people I do. And I certainly don't see any inherent contradiction between this and simultaneously complaining about sex being too important in Doctor Who.

“RTD has completely emasculated Doctor Who. I hate the way he's made the Doctor go around falling in love and having sex.”
I'm either trying too hard to be knowingly clever or I genuinely don't know what the word “emasculate” means.

“Sex does not belong in Doctor Who. There should be no hanky panky in the TARDIS.”
I had a strict Catholic upbringing and, as a consequence, have an A level in Guilt. I did, however, enjoy that bit in 'Last of the Timelords' where Captain Jack was all chained up. Odd, that.

"What will the Doctor do with his hand?"
A serious question about future series continuity but I'm going to dress it up as a bit of good old fashioned sexual innuendo.

"Who do you think took the Master's ring?”
See above.

Jumping the Shark:

“The show has Jumped the Shark.”
I didn't like the latest episode. And, since everyone else on the Internet uses this dreadfully crass and loaded phrase – even though most of them don’t have the slightest idea of what it actually means - and it sounds SO cool, I want in.

“Has Doctor Who Jumped The Shark?“
I am either too lazy or too self-absorbed to have noticed all of the other threads with exactly the same title posted over the last three years when I ask this question. (See also RTD Must Go!)

Russell T Davies:

“RTD Must Go!”
I never said a bad thing about Jon Nathan-Turner. Honestly. No, really…

"What's with RTD and his Gay Agenda???!!!"
I resent the fact that Doctor Who is representative of the audience that watches it including all groups from today's society without the ignorant prejudices of my youth. Please return me to the 1970s where I was far happier watching It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, Danny LaRue and Larry Grayson.

"What's with RTD and the constant TOKENISM in Doctor Who? They should do some RESEARCH!!!"
I'm complaining chiefly about the fact that a black person was cast as an extra in scenes set in Elizabethan England or 18th Century France. This is clearly unrealistic because everyone knows that everyone in Europe at that time was Caucasian white. Obviously. Also obviously, I am claiming this without having carried out any research of my own into the subject. Research that would have proven me completely wrong. Please return me to the 1970s where I was far happier watching Love Thy Neighbour, Alf Garnett and Bernard Manning.

“RTD is only interested in a ceaseless quest for popularity and ratings.”
I would much prefer it if Doctor Who were made exclusively for an audience of one. Me.

“RTD shouldn't ignore the long term fans.”
I wasn't paying attention when UNIT, K9, Sarah, Gallifrey, The Time Lords, Axons, Sea Devils, Davros, the Cybermen, artron energy, isomorphic controls etc. were mentioned and/or seen.

“RTD doesn't understand Doctor Who.”
Russell T Davies has just contradicted my carefully worked out fan-fiction arc and I'm sulking about it.

“Actually, I am a writer, so I do have some professional insight into what RTD is doing wrong.”
I'm 34 and once had a poem published in my school magazine when I was 11. It's still in a frame on my wall.

“I can't wait until RTD steps down as show-runner.”
I am going to be painfully reminded of the old truism “be careful what you wish for, it might just come true” if we get saddled with Chris Chibnall in 2009.

“Davies is now so well-insulated in his own little Doctor Who bunker that he's no longer capable of seeing things from the audience's point of view.”
I'm conveniently forgetting that all major decisions that Russell makes will be taken in conjunction with Julie Gardner and Phil Collinson and will have the additional blessing of other executives within the BBC.

"A joke thread blaming all of the world's ills on RTD has got over 1,000 replies on Outpost Gallifrey."
None of us know what to do with ourselves on Saturday evenings anymore. Seriously, it's a big problem...

"Why does RTD use so much pop music in Doctor Who?"
I am a Young Person but I wish to look culturally superior to the rest of those plebs that I am unfortunate enough to go to school with.

“That was just lazy writing.”
RTD never replied to a single one of the numerous letters and script suggestions I sent to him, despite the fact that I wrote them in green ink, drew little Daleks in the margins and wrote "I Wuv You the Mostest, Baby" on the back of the envelopes before dousing them in Lynx "Forbidden Fruit" aftershave and personally delivering them to the BBC reception. Okay, yes, I was escorted off the premises the second time. And the third. And every time thereafter. And, yes, I do currently have a restraining order which forbids me to go within fifty yards of any Doctor Who-related personnel. But in no way can my regular offensive online comments about Russell's writing ability and sexuality be considered the jealous rantings of an infantile obsessive.

“I want Steven Moffat to take over.”
... So that I can find something new to complain about.

“RTD has raped my childhood.”
I started watching the Tom Baker episodes four years ago on UK Gold and don't think much of the new series.

Catherine Tate:

“Catherine Tate? I shall boycott Season Four.”
Catherine Tate? Excellent! I shall watch all of Season Four with preconceived ideas and then come onto Outpost Gallifrey each Saturday night during the Spring of 2008 and tell everybody who is interested - and anybody who isn't, for that matter - how much I disliked it. How it was "wretched", "childish", "embarrassing", "cringeworthy", full of RTD's "Gay Agenda" and how he and Catherine Tate have, personally, "raped my childhood". And then I’ll feel much better.

“I can’t even begin to describe how angry I am about the casting of Catherine Tate.”
I know that my country took part in what may well be considered an illegal war in Iraq, as a consequence of which people are still dying every hour; I know that we live daily with the terrifying threat of Intercontinental terrorism; I know that global warming poses a significant threat to all life on this planet; but what has really moved me to sign an Internet petition and vent my impotent fury, publicly, is “an actress getting a job.” I hate everyone in the entire world, including myself.

“When I first heard about the casting of Catherine Tate I was utterly horrified. On further reflection, however, I realised that it could actually be a good thing. Or possibly a bad thing. Or maybe something in between. However, I think the best thing for me to do is write out a 2,000 word list of all the Pros and Cons on the subject that I can think of so you can all see how balanced and fair I'm being.”
I am somewhat indecisive, positively love the sound of my own voice, and have Asperger's Syndrome.

“Jon Pertwee.”
An actor who - at the time he was cast in Doctor Who - was chiefly known for his comic characterisations with wide popular appeal. A masterstroke of casting which reinvigorated the show.

“Catherine Tate.”
An actress who - at the time she was cast in Doctor Who - was chiefly known for her comic characterisations with wide popular appeal. A mistake of quite apocalyptic proportions that will, I predict, kill off the show for good.

"Catherine Tate has neither the range nor the talent to contribute to Doctor Who."
The only things I have ever seen Catherine Tate in are 'The Runaway Bride' and a handful of sketches from The Catherine Tate Show. Which I didn't like.

"I am starting a petition to stop Catherine Tate becoming the new companion. We might have time to get enough signatures."
I have no earthly understanding of how TV production companies work and would possibly look touchingly naïve if what I was trying to do wasn't quite so self-centred, mean-spirited and downright malicious.

"The petition is going very well."
We've had about four hundred replies so far at least a quarter of which are from people, reasonably, pointing out that those who have signed up to this petition really need to have a good hard look at perspective and what's actually important in life. Signatories may also like to ponder on the question of why it is that they are the butt of jokes by others who will have every right to feel both morally and intellectually superior to them after this ill-conceived and pointless malarkey. For the three hundred or so posters who are - seemingly - SERIOUS, here are some tips: Firstly, if you expect to have things like petitions taken seriously then you need a hell of lot more signatures than you've currently got or, indeed, are likely to get. Secondly, you should also think about acquiring a cause that people actually give a bugger about because, to be honest, "an actress that I have problems with being hired to a TV show I like" genuinely isn't on most people's list of things worth the time and trouble of supporting. And, lastly, much better spelling than you've got would also help. We'd tell you all to "get a life" but, actually thinking about it, you've all got one. It's just a hollow and rather lonely and sad one. Do you think a pet would help?

Kylie Minogue:

“Kylie Bloody Minogue!”
Oh crap. They've cast a 21st Century icon in Doctor Who. They're gonna get ten million plus for the Christmas episode. Now, nobody will listen to me when I say it's rubbish. And I don’t like the fact that RTD has cast her in the first place because I am aggressively heterosexual. Na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na ... STOP IT!

Ratings/Audience Appreciation Index Figures:

“The ratings, audience share, AI figures, BAFTA awards and critical acclaim that the new series receives all suggest that you're wrong.”
Ha! Ha! Ha! I - and eight million other people - like new Doctor Who and you don't. For the first time in my entire life I'm in the majority and it's absolutely BRILLIANT. I can take the piss out of glakes like you and other people will queue up to support me without getting on my case. It's like all of my birthdays have come at once.

“We're all doomed! Aaaaaaaaaaarghhhh!!!!”
Yesterday was a bright sunny day in mid-June and a handful of people decided to record Doctor Who and watch it later instead of watching it live because they were having a barbecue in their garden and, as a consequence the ratings this week went down by a few.

“I was very disappointed this week's episode only got 6.8 million ratings and an audience share of 36.2%, a decrease of last week's figures.”
I have absolutely no idea how ratings or audience share actually works but didn't someone tell me that the Morecambe & Wise Show once got 27 million or something?

“I thik 7 millon is a very poor rating figwr (sp?) I dont get this exuse just coz the wethers gud ppl wont wacth it lol”
According to my user profile I am an 18 year old "student". However my spelling, punctuation and general lack of anything approaching common sense suggest that this is, in reality, a complete lie. Actually, I am either twelve and need a good slapping or sixteen and desperately need a boyfriend/girlfriend. I also, clearly, should be spending a lot less time posting on Outpost Gallifrey and a lot more time at my place of education.

“High ratings do not equal quality.”
I'm appalled that lots of people are suddenly watching and enjoying the programme. Doctor Who used to be a cornerstone of my cherished outsider persona which allowed me to feel smug and superior towards the proles. I can’t do that anymore and it rilly pisses me off.

“The AI figures and ratings mean nothing.”
I don't get it; how come some many people liked it so much?

“Awards mean nothing.”
I don't get it; how come so many professionals liked it so much?

“The AI figures don't prove that the episode was any good.”
I really wish I could say that "most people hated it" without being proved wrong by statistics. But, unfortunately, I can’t.

Science and Doctor Who:

"That’s just bad science.”
I am unable to suspend my disbelief long enough to enjoy fictional TV drama.

“I didn't like 'Last of the Time Lords' because the Doctor's supposed to be a scientist and shouldn't use magic or stuff that's not explained properly.”
I believe that all of the science in the Classic Series was 100% accurate. And, to prove it, I have constructed a working time-flow analogue out of wine corks and forks. And, I know it works because the Master's TARDIS has never dematerialised next to me.

“The first rule of science fiction is: You do not rewind time.”
Yes, I am *still* very bitter that no one has begged me to write for the new series.

“The science in the show should be more accurate. ‘The Impossible Planet’ proved that nobody on this show knows anything about black holes.”
I have a degree in astrophysics, which I like to boast about when I’m on the Internet, and I can drop words like "glonthometer", "floccinaucinihilipilification", "uncopywriteable" and "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" into the conversation. Yet people always shuffle away from me at parties for some strange reason that I haven't been able to fathom yet. I am clearly unaware that the entire premise of this programme that I've been watching since childhood is one that features a spaceship disguised as a 1950s police telephone box that is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside and can travel through time piloted by an alien who has two hearts and can change his physical appearance each time the actor playing him gets nervous about typecasting.

“I am fed up of things happening in Doctor Who without proper explanation.”
Technobabble always makes me feel much smarter.

Politics and Doctor Who:

“I am very uncomfortable with Doctor Who being used as a political soapbox.”
I vote Tory and step over beggars in the street.

“I'm really not sure I like the idea of a black companion. Not that I'm racist, of course. God, no - the first record I ever bought was a Bob Marley single.”
Bloody Nora, darkie postman, darkie centre forwards, darkie Doctor Who companions... where the Hell's it all gonna end? Mother, have you finished ironing my hood, yet? I'm supposed to be meeting the lads in half an hour for a lynching.


“Torchwood is marvellous gritty drama.”
I'm sure that 'gritty' means *something*, so I'll just use it for any programme where the regulars wear black, swear casually and have lesbian sex.

“Torchwood was rubbish.”
I thought Torchwood was going to be like Doctor Who and have Daleks and Cybermen and Sarah Jane and K9 and The Doc and the TARDIS in it and keep me amused during the autumn while there was no Doctor Who on BBC1. Instead it was completely different and I feel totally let down. RTD Must Go!


“I don't know how much faith to put in this, right, but a mate of mine who works at the BBC has just told me that...”
I am madly excited that I might have got the first news about a major (and, by that, I mean Brigadier-General) spoiler for the new season. But at the same time I am also shitting myself that my mate - who works in photocopying for BBC Radio Rutland - is simply pulling my tiddler and I’m going to end up looking like a proper Charlie. So, I'm totally hedging my bets here, all right?

"I've heard, unofficially, that RTD, David, Freeyma and Phil are all leaving at the end of Season Four."
I believe literally everything that I read in tabloid newspapers. Even the contradictory stuff.


“I have just watched what can only be described as THE worst episode of Doctor Who that I have ever witnessed in all my life. How can this drivel be acceptable to anyone? Fellow fans, I urge you to join with me in a campaign to rid ourselves of this plague that calls itself RTD. I’ve started a petition…”
Damn, that reminds me, I should have picked up my repeat prescription this morning.

“The First Series Boxset was a clever and innovative packaging design that worked well at being eye-catching and selling the show to HMV-browsers.”
I bought the TARDIS boxset and I'm bitter about the slimline re-issue, but I'll be damned before I'll admit I was wrong.

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. Ralph Waldo Emerson.”
Someone has just noticed that a post of mine contradicted a post I made two weeks ago about never watching Catherine Tate or Torchwood again.

“Talent borrows, genius Steals. Oscar Wilde.”
I bought a Smiths single once and found this scratched into the inner groove. I've been waiting twenty two years to use it somewhere. No, I don't know what relevance it has to the matter in hand either.

"An Open Letter to..."
I am too cheap to buy a stamp and too full of a towering sense of my own importance to realise that nobody in the whole world wants to hear my pointless views. About anything.

"Doctor Who Confidential is too full of people being smug and self-satisfied about how great they are."
Doctor Who Confidential is full of people who are perfectly entitled to feel smug and self-satisfied about how great they are.

"Doctor Who Magazine is too positive about the new Doctor Who and too afraid to say anything negative."
For some strange reason I had the certain expectation that an officially licenced magazine would put the boot into the show that it covers. I was totally shocked and stunned when that didn't happen.

"It was in the Sun and the Sun has a pretty good record when it comes to Doctor Who exclusives."
I am conveniently forgetting all of the stories that they got completely wrong, and all of the other stories that they got partially right but mostly wrong. So, when exactly IS Zöe Lucker going to be appearing as the Rani, then?

“The CGI was poor.”
I watch far too many multi-million dollar Hollywood action films and my palate has become jaded.

“It’s disappointing that Television Without Pity aren't covering Doctor Who any more. I really looked forward to Jacob's recaps.”BUGGER! My dissertation on "Literary and Mythic Themes in Doctor Who" is only two-thirds finished and now I've got nothing to rip-off.

“The Doctor is a surrogate father-figure - not only for the companions but, also, the audience.”
I read Sylvia Plath for English A-level ... I never said I passed, mind.

“Adam will return as Davros - FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!”
Yes, I do still quote entire Monty Python sketches at student parties... how could you possibly know that?

“That bit was completely ripped-off from Star Wars.”
I believe that the world began in 1977.

“That bit was completely ripped-off from Buffy.”
It's a little known fact that Joss Whedon actually invented not only television, but also the Internet.

“I think James Marsters would be a brilliant choice for the next Doctor.”
I am twelve and have only ever seen one other television show in my life.

“I think Anthony Head would be a brilliant choice for the next Master.”
I have such a limited imagination that any time anybody starts a thread about future potential casting, I always mention the same four or five actors. Because I am completely unable to disassociate them from the roles that they previously played in TV series that I liked. See also "I think Alyson Hannigan would be a brilliant choice for the next companion."

“Doctor Who is totally phat, large, wicked and fly, innit guy?”
I'm clearly in the wrong forum, I was looking for

"I have the Loyhargil! Nothing in the world can stop me now!"
... Nope, sorry. No idea whatsoever. Wouldn't even like to hazard a guess.

“It is completely unrealistic to show so many mixed race couples in Doctor Who.”
... And, that’s a big shout out to all the other OG'ers in Alabama... Yee-haw.

“Unworthy of the diamond logo.”
I read The Discontinuity Guide and loved the way that Paul Cornell casually dropped Mark Gatiss's name in the introduction.

“That’s a Retcon.”
I own the Discontinuity Guide and About Time vols 1-5. I also watch the new series. I can't stand the confusion in my mind!

“That definitely wasn't a Retcon or a Continuity Error.”
I wrote the Discontinuity Guide, baby. I make the rules in this house!

“I think it’s totally brilliant that some of the writers post on here.”
Will you be my friend, Steven? Please? I'm your biggest fan...

“Hi, I’m Steven Moffat.”

"As someone mentioned, earlier on in this thread..."
This discussion has been going on for eleven bloody pages, all weekend, and I've read every single post. I've also got a post of my own on every page. I've wasted both Saturday and Sunday pressing F5 every half hour on an Internet forum. And, as the thread shows no sign of ending anytime soon, I'll probably be wasting every spare second next week at work doing the same (and hoping my boss doesn't catch me). And I'm in my forties. Pity me.

“The Wholly Unofficial Outpost Gallifrey Ratings, Audience Share, AI and “future of Doctor Who” FAQ.”
Why on earth do I bother every week? Nobody reads the sodding thing anyway and there will undoubtedly be at least three of these questions asked within the first five pages of the thread after which I will oh-so-bloody-politely refer the questioner back to this post, all the whilst picturing their despairing faces as I squeeze the worthless life from their pathetic little, acne-ridden, specky, anorak-wearing bodies. I never get a lie-in on a Sunday morning you know? I dunno here I am, brain the size of an Adidas Telstar and I’m stuck here with you lot answering the same inane question about whether 6.8 million is “any good or not” every week. I taught Paul Cornell everything he knows, me. And I was the first author who wasn’t Terrence Dicks named on the cover of a BBC Doctor Who novel. All right, it was a crap one, but still … Sorry, what was the question again?

"I'm so glad that you enjoyed my latest blog entry and that you wanted to put a link to it on your site. It's very flattering."

“This will completely ruin Season Four.”
I am Nostradamus. I predict that the 4:20 at Chepstow will be won by a horse.

“I'll bet this episode is going to be no good.”
I backed a horse at twenty-to-one. It came in at ten-to-four. Nah, lisshun...

“Celebrity fan.”
Some bolshy self-aggrandising ginger gobshite who had four thoroughly wretched novels published in the 1990s which were read by semi-literate glakes. And, who's spent the decade since making a career out of talking bollocks, loudly, about Doctor Who. See, also, Topping, Keith.

With many sincere thanks to:
Elephant (who started the whole thing off), Duckbutcher, The Other, IRS Walker, Paperback Writer, Lee Ratbag, Nick Barlow, Rich T, Northern Doctor, Duncan P, Gamma, Callufrac Clockmaker, Doc Filth, Paul Jennings, KrimsonGray, Coriander, Querulous Quirk, Crayola of Doodah, The Phantom Piper, The Revolutionist, Affirmation, Chronologix, Abslom Daak, The Molk, Dalek Warhol, Corek, Jon Blum, Laura Potter, L'Enfuntchi, Nastally, Captain J, Skywise, Jon 'Pick, Pick, Pick' Arnold, Debbie Williams, Rob Stickler, Graeme Raj Kaputni, wiccaman Imbolc Fire, Johnstone666, Starrfire, Rumleech, Easter Lily, James Lindsay, Miles Hamer and everyone else who contributed to the seminal Fan's Phrasebook thread. And an especially big shout-out to the divine Anna Pickard at the Gruniad for taking us to a wider audience. And, of course, finally, an extra-special thanks to our spiritual God, Sparacus. Without whom …