"The Common Curse Of Mankind, Folly & Ignorance, Be Thine In Great Revenue"

And so, dear blog reader, we reach that time of the year where there is little actual news ... except crass and ill-informed speculation on whom the next Doctor will be and what he or she will be wearing around the TARDIS. We've been here before, of course. Many, many, many, many tedious times. The latest round of speculation began early this week when that bastion of always truthful and accurate reportage, the Daily Mirra claimed that Hugh Grant was 'being tipped' to be the next Doctor. Tipped by whom, they didn't say. Of course, this isn't an entirely barmy idea; Huge his very self has, in fact, played The Doctor previously, albeit non-canonically - in The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE)'s 1999 Comic Relief episode The Curse Of Fatal Death. Former (and future) Doctor Who showrunner Russell Davies was, certainly, a big fan of Huge's Doctor cameo and - reportedly - Huge was one of two or three people 'sounded out' by Big Rusty in 2004 about taking on the role of The Doctor in the BBC's revival of the popular long-running family SF drama (he has even been described as 'first choice') . He turned down the offer - something which he later claimed to regret - and the role went, instead, to Christopher Eccleston. There has even been speculation that the way in which Big Rusty's second Doctor, David Tennant, played the role - as a charmingly foppish action-hero - may have owed something to Huge's portrayal in The Curse Of Fatal Death. Grant and Big Rusty finally got to work together on 2018's acclaimed BBC drama A Very English Scandal.

Nevertheless, given Huge's revitalised movie career and the usual problem of Doctor Who being a ten-and-a-half month per year production leaving any actor cast in the title role little time to do pretty much anything else (witness Huge's Paddington 2 co-star Peter Capaldi who spent his three years as The Doctor only able to make a couple of appearances in other roles due to his Doctor Who commitments), plus the inevitable problem of money (the BBC have barely got a pot to piss in these days, let alone the ability to afford movie stars on long term contracts), this always looked an unlikely proposition. Though, if it did happen, this blogger would be delighted by such a happenstance. Plus, of course, there was the problem of the 'source' of this claim - the Daily Mirra, remember, is, this blogger hesitates to use the word 'newspaper' since that would be somewhat stretching a point these days, but a 'media organ', which, in 2017, claimed that a - suspiciously anonymous and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - 'source' had assured them Kris Marshall had already been cast as Peter Capaldi's replacement. Which, of course, he hadn't. You might have noticed. It is also the sister paper of the Sunday People which ludicrously claimed, in 2013, that all one hundred and six missing episodes of 1960s Doctor Who had been located in Ethiopia (in fact, eleven had been found in Nigeria but the Mirra Group have never been particularly bothered with actual facts. At least, not since they stopped hacking people's phones to acquire many of their stories). If the Daily Mirra (or, indeed, any member of Mirra Group Newspapers) assured this blogger that black was darker than white, this blogger would still wish for a second opinion from someone considerably more reliable before believing the claim.

Inevitably, however, despite the Mirra's record of, shall we say. 'printing any old crap without bothering to check whether it's true or not,' several other national newspapers (and, again, one uses that word, in some cases, quite wrongly) also picked up on the Mirra's 'exclusive' reporting of a rumour. For example, here is another, once respected but now risible, trashy, lowest-common-denominator publisher of tripe and nonsense, Radio Times's coverage. However, when the Gruniad Morning Star claimed - one presumes, based on the Mirra article - that Huge was 'in talks' to be the next Doctor, events took a turn for the marginally more sane. As we all know from the evidence he gave to The Leveson Inquiry, the Gruniad appears to be Hughie's newspaper of choice - whilst, we can probably surmise, giving the fact that they hacked so many people - including Huge himself - and were caught doing so that the Mirra very much isn't. Huge, therefore, was quick to stamp on the Gruniad's allegations with a simple tweet of denial.

It came from the Daily Mirra, mate. You remember them? They used to hack people's phones (including yours). And that - in and of itself - should have probably told us this story was total bollocks in the first place. Nevertheless, let's leave a tiny bit of wiggle room here, there is just the vaguest of possibilities that this is a double-bluff and that Huge is, in fact, going to be cast in the role. This blogger repeats, nothing would delight him more than to see a now mature actor, good at being charming, witty and erudite, fantastic at comedy (as recent roles in Florence Foster Jenkins and Paddington 2 ably proved), a - from interviews - gregarious, generous, interesting chap with some strong opinions (which this blogger mostly shares) on the role of the press in modern society as the next TARDIS occupant. This blogger thinks he'd be a great Doctor. But, according to the man himself, he's not going to be. Unless he's lying, that's the end of the matter. (You can absolutely bet, dear blog reader, that's not going to be the end of the matter. That's not how the Daily Mirra works. Ask Kris Marshall.)

Of course, one thing that we really have to get away from is this idea that The Doctor has a 'type' which is or isn't ... well, 'Doctorish', one supposes. This blogger's Facebook page included a couple of examples of this blogger's fiends dismissing the very idea of Hughie as The Doctor, not because he isn't a fine actor (he clearly is) and not because he's a sixty one year old white man when the next Doctor is far more likely to be non-Caucasian (and, possibly, non-male). But, rather, because of some of the roles that Huge has previously played making him, in some way, 'not Doctorish.' The fact that he's an actor wasn't, seemingly, taken into consideration. This blogger has written before - and, indeed, spoken on the radio - about there being a 'Doctor Template' at work amongst both fandom and, indeed, Fleet Street, to the great detriment of the character. Note, for instance, how every time that a new Doctor is needed fans and journalists immediately start looking at previous incumbents in the role (Tom Baker, usually, since he did it the longest and is still the most recognisable to the general public) and then start trying to fit actors into that sort of template, showing a lack of imagination which would, actually, be funny if it wasn't so tragic. That's why, for example, every time there's going to be a new Doctor, Tony Head gets mentioned, because he previously played a rather Doctor-ish character in another popular long-running fantasy drama (the fact that this was twenty years ago, seemingly, won't stop someone from throwing Tony's hat into the ring once again this time around). It's why, in the early 2000s when Doctor Who was off-air, every six months there would be a rumour that it was coming back (some legitimately based on actual pitches to the BBC, some just wishful thinking to fill tabloid column inches), yet it was always the same sort of names that used to get mentioned as potential 'next Doctors'; Alan Davies (because he looked a bit like a young Tom Baker), Eddie Izzard (because, as Eddie noted himself '[The Doctor]'s a bit weird. Who else is a bit weird? That Eddie Izzard, he's a bit weird!') et cetera. Throw in a few z-list chancers who've been instructed by their agents to mention themselves and Doctor Who in the same sentence to remind some tabloid readers that they're still alive (yes, you Craig Charles) and you have exactly the sort of media feeding-frenzy which crops up every three or four years with monotonous regularity whenever there's a regeneration on the horizon. Of course, as this blogger wrote in 2017, 'on the last three occasions that a new Doctor has been chosen, in all cases the incoming Doctor - Matt Smith, Peter Capaldi and Jodie Whittaker - had been mentioned virtually nowhere by any newspaper, broadcaster, website, media speculator or bookmaker until about three or four days before the announcement was due at which point they, suddenly, become an overnight favourite (or, in Smudger's case, an overnight second favourite behind Paterson Joseph). So, next time there's going to be a change of Doctor ... here's a tip for everyone; don't bother to speculate and ignore all of the people who are speculating to fill column inches. Just wait until about three days before the announcement is due and then check out who is betting on whom.'

But, back to 'The Doctor Template' and why it should be shovelled into the gutter along with all the other rubbish. If there's one thing that Jodie (and, specifically Jo Martin's briefly-seen 'Fugitive Doctor' incarnation) have proved it's that The Doctor can be anyone, of any colour, of any gender, of any temperament, containing any cliché). But, we're all prey to this; on the very Facebook thread that produced much of the content for this segment of the blog, someone said they though Ray Winstone would've been a good Doctor a few years ago and this blogger noted that the actor, whom he really admires and has done since the 1980s, 'doesn't strike me as a Doctor.' Now that, see, is a classic example of exactly what this blogger has just spent several paragraphs railing against. Because he is basing that assumption on what a Doctor should be like on previous roles this blogger has seen the actor play. Keith Telly Topping is sure Ray could've easily pulled it off. This blogger is sure Huge could've pulled it off. He's sure all of the 'almost-but-not-quite' Doctors of the past would've been perfectly fine in the role (and, most would've been a damned sight better than Colin Baker ever was). The point is we - as fans - and journalists in particular (who, after all, get paid for exactly these eventualities), need to get away from the idea that The Doctor is a, b and c and start remembering that it is a role which can also encompass d, e, f, g and h as well (and, probably k, q, v, w, x, y and z into the bargain) so long as the scripts support those characteristics. Here endeth today's lesson. Bet, dear blog reader, you're all pure dead glad about that.

It is, of course, to be hoped that the announcement of the casting of the next Doctor - whenever that occurs - does not, as the last one did, become the cause of a (wholly tabloid-created) shitehawk 'Doctor's At War' fiasco. One involving a couple of previous Doctors (including The Crap One) arguing on Twitter about the merits of ... stuff. Because that would be really boring.

From that right load of old diarrhoea, dear blog reader, to a story concerning the (for the moment, anyway) actual Doctor, Jodie Whittaker her very self. This one has facts and everything. Honest. 

Filming is currently taking place on Jodie's finale as The Doctor, to be broadcast later in the year and there are plenty of rumours currently doing the Interweb rounds concerning the circumstances in which her Doctor will regenerate into Hugh Grant The Next One - mostly involving 'water' apparently, There are also rumours that fan-favourite Bradley Walsh will return for the episode, based on comments made on a podcast by current TARDIS occupant, John Bishop. One story which we can confirm, however, is the broadcast date for Jodie's penultimate outing in the role. Legend Of The Sea Devils will, apparently, be broadcast on BBC1 on Easter Sunday - April 17 - most likely at 7pm. The Easter transmission date was first disclosed on the Legend Of The Sea Devils director Haolu Wang's online CV. As with the previous Doctor Who episodes The Day Of The Doctor, The Halloween Apocalypse and Eve Of The Daleks, BBC America's schedule appears to show that Legend Of The Sea Devils will have a simultaneous broadcast in the US. The episode will feature the return of the titular reptilians, first seen in the memorable 1972 Jon Pertwee six-parter The Sea Devils (and, last seen in 1984's wretchedly cheap-and-nasty serial Warriors Of The Deep).

A website called Giant Freakin Robot (no, me neither) has published what is, quite truthfully, one of the worst written and most badly researched articles in the history of the Interweb. Normally it would have been of little interest to anyone, particularly, this blog. But in it, the author (Doug Norrie) claims that a new series of From The North favourite The X-Files is, 'currently, in development.' This is based on a 'trusted and proven' - though, suspiciously anonymous and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - 'source', the article claims. 'It would seem unlikely to bring the main players in David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson back into the mix now if the show is getting fully rebooted,' states the article - so, seemingly, the 'trusted and proven source' could not be drawn on whether they would or would not be involved. The article goes on to state that The X-Files 'ran for eleven seasons on FOX from 1993 to 2002.' Actually, it ran for nine series between those dates then had two further series made in 2016 and 2018 (the former rather good, the latter - apart from the Darin Morgan episode - almost entirely terrible leading Gillian Anderson to suggest that she, at least, was done with Chris Carter and his show). However, the most risible part of Norris's piece is the following: '[Duchovny and Anderson] were obviously excellent in the roles over the years and even starred in the standalone move that came out in 2008.' Quite what this standalone 'move' was, what it entailed and whether any pictures of it are available online, he didn't say. The movie to which you are - almost - referring, Doug, did indeed come out in 2008 (and, it was shite and was, effectively, retconned out of existence by plotlines which featured in the 2016 revival). However, it was not a 'standalone' given that it was, actually the second X-Files movie; the first one - produced during a summer break whilst the series was still in production - came out in 1998. That one was actually quite good and - both artistically and commercially - a major hit, unlike the second one which, whilst it went into profit (just), was critically taken to the woodshed and given a trousers-down hiding by just about everyone. This blogger very much included. Because, it was a right load of effing toot, basically. Nevertheless, we all await, with something approaching baited breath, to see whether the claims of your 'trusted and proven source' turn out to be accurate or a heap of sewage. Place your bets now, dear blog reader.

This blogger finally got around to watching episodes two and three of Star Trek: Picard's second series earlier this week. Okay, this blogger gets it, it's Picard's Seven, basically, isn't it? A novel - if not, exactly, original - conceit, which seems to have lots of potential and is getting much good feedback from this blogger's Trek-lovin' fiends. Count yer actual Keith Telly Topping very much in. Plus, you know, John De Lancie! What's not to love?

There was another fine episode of From The North favourite Peaky Blinders last weekend - albeit, not quite as good as the Ada-centric glories of the previous week. The Gruniad Morning Star's Michael Hogan makes several decent points (and, a couple of ridiculous ones) in his summary of the episode.

As mentioned in a previous bloggerisationism update, From The North favourite Vera is currently filming its next series in the North East. The Northern Echo reports that recent filming locations have included Morpeth Bus Station and the beautiful Northumberland village of Amble.

More than forty two million knicker has been raised in Comic Relief's latest Red Nose Day broadcast, with a host of c-list celebrity-type individuals (and David Tennant) taking part in sketches and stunts. The charity telethon was broadcast from BBC studios in Salford for the first time. 'Highlights' (and, again, this blogger uses that word quite wrongly) included Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders visiting The Repair Shop and Matt Lucas and David Walliams reviving their Rock Profiles sketches. Oh, it was proper shite dear blog reader. I mean, good causes and all that, this blogger is fine with the outcome but he just wishes he hadn't been asked to sit through eleven hours of Lenny Bloody Henry (last funny, briefly, in 1983) to find out how much had been raised. Still, it could have been worse - Zoe Ball, Kylie Minogue and Joel Dommett (no, me neither) had to pull out of the event after contracting Covid. At shortly after midnight, Red Nose Day announced it had raised forty two million, seven hundred and ninety thousand, one hundred and forty seven smackers for good causes in the UK and around the world. Some of the money will benefit organisations providing aid in Ukraine. Comic Relief co-founder Richard Curtis thanked the 'extraordinary public' for their 'outpouring of generosity.' He said the charity helped eleven million people last year. The show's presenters sent their love to Ball, who was due to be one of the hosts, with national heartthrob David Tennant saying: 'We will miss you tonight Zoe, we are sending you loads of love.' Ball said she would be 'watching and supporting from bed.' Kylie, Kylie, sweet and smiley (sing us a song in a rub-a-dub stylee) told her Twitter followers that she wouldn't be able to take part in a planned sketch with the cast of the sitcom Ghosts. The event's co-host Dommett said he was 'super annoyed' to have caught the virus before Red Nose Day. Dommett was replaced by Professional Northern Plank Vernon Kay, while Ball said Alesha Dixon would 'work the double shift tonight' to fill in for her. Henry, Tennant, AJ Odudu and Professional Northern Berk Paddy McGuinness were Comic Relief's other presenters and were rotated during the broadcast which lasted forever (or, did it just feel like that?) The show also saw Bloody Jack Bloody Whitehall playing England footballers Declan Rice and Mason Mount in a mini-golf challenge - with Bloody Jack Bloody Whitehall coming last. If you missed it, dear blog reader, congratulations it was genuinely horrible, full of smug bastards being unbearably smug whilst doing lots of 'work' for 'charriddee'. Again, to stress, excellent cause(s) but, a suggestion - maybe next year people could just be encouraged to give their hard earned coin to these thoroughly deserving charities without having to watch utter arse the likes of this torture. Tennant, mate, this blogger used to have some respect for you - what are you doing hanging out with these odious individuals?

Though, admittedly, the 'Doctor In Distress' bit was, just about, worth sitting through eleven hours of Bloody Lenny Henry (last, briefly, funny in 1983).

Moving on now to From The North's regular Ukrainereportage - which seems, from the feedback that this blogger has been getting, to be quite popular with several dear blog readers. It's all the stuff related to the (lack of) size of Putin's knob, isn't it? Come on, be honest. Anyway, Russian state-backed propaganda channel RT has had its licence to broadcast in the UK revoked 'with immediate effect' by media regulator Ofcom. Which has caused this blogger some considerable conflict since whilst he is pure dead glad that the odious Russians have had their odious pipeline-of-shite to the West cut nevertheless, he finds himself, for once, in agreement with something done by Ofcom, a politically-appointed quango, elected by no-one. Horrorshow (and drag). The watchdog said RT's parent body ANO TV Novosti was not 'fit and proper to hold a UK broadcast licence.' Or, indeed, to organise a vodka piss-up in a Moscow brewery. RT's coverage of Russia's invasion of - and war crimes in - Ukraine has been under investigation by Ofcom and the channel had already disappeared from UK screens. RT, formerly named Russia Today, called Ofcom 'a tool of the government.' What and you've only just worked that out, have you? The channel became unavailable on all UK broadcast platforms earlier this month as a result of a ban imposed by the European Union. Although the UK is no longer in the EU (you might have noticed, dear blog reader, it was on The News and everything), the bloc applied sanctions to satellite companies in Luxembourg and France, which provided the RT feed to Sky, Freesat and Freeview. RT has also been blocked on YouTube but its website is still available in the UK. Though, probably, not for much longer. The lack of culture secretary The Vile & Odious Rascal Dorries, who has described the channel as 'Putin's polluting propaganda machine', said: 'I welcome Ofcom's decision and it's right that our independent regulator has taken action against RT. The outlets' lies and propaganda, where victims are cast as the aggressors and the brutality of Russia's actions are concealed, have absolutely no place on our screens.' And, again there's terrible conflict as the day this blogger is forced to agree with something The Vile & Odious Rascal Dorries says will be the day his brain melts. Oh, hang on, there it goes ...

Nearly one hundred planes with alleged 'ties to Russia' have been, effectively, grounded and impounded by the US government, including one allegedly owned by the billionaire with the frozen assets and the football club he, seemingly, can't get rid of, Roman Abramovich. The US Commerce Department has said that the planes are 'in contravention of US sanctions on Russia.' Providing service to these aircraft anywhere in the world - including inside Russia, incidentally - may lead to heavy fines and potential jail time, it added. The list includes aircraft operated by Russian airlines, including Aeroflot. Whilst most are Boeing aircraft, a Gulfstream private jet owned by Abramovich - the current owner of Moscow Chelski Frozen Assets - is also included. The Russian was among seven oligarchs extremely sanctioned by the UK government earlier this month in response to the Ukraine war. The others included ex-The Arse shareholder Alisher Usmanov whose eighty two million quid London home and Surrey mansion were both, reportedly, put into trusts linked to the oligarch prior to the imposition of sanctions. Which raises questions over the effectiveness (or otherwise) of sanctions imposed since the invasion of Ukraine began. The UK government claims that Usmanov 'cannot access his assets.'

The UK government has publicly blamed Russia for alleged hoax calls about the conflict in Ukraine allegedly made to British cabinet ministers. Defence Secretary Ben Wallace and Home Secretary That Awful Patel Woman (neither of whom are, sadly, alleged, they both definitely exist) both claimed they had been 'contacted by imposters' last week. Downing Street has now revealed that an unsuccessful alleged attempt was allegedly made to contact the lack of culture secretary The Vile & Odious Rascal Dorries. A spokesman added that 'further hoax calls' to ministers 'are expected.' There is understood to be 'concern in government' that doctored recordings of the calls may be made public to reinforce Russian claims about the war. On Friday, Wallace blamed 'Russian disinformation, distortion and dirty tricks' for a man calling him pretending to be Ukrainian Prime Minister Denys Shmyhal. That Awful Patel Woman revealed shortly afterwards that she had, allegedly, received a similar alleged call earlier in the week. On Monday, Boris Johnson's spokesman told reporters that 'the Russian state was responsible for the hoax telephone calls made to UK ministers last week.' The spokesman did not give further details, but added: 'This is standard practice for Russian information operations. Disinformation is a tactic straight from the Kremlin playbook to try to distract from their illegal activities in Ukraine and the human rights abuses being committed there. We are seeing a string of distraction stories and outright lies from the Kremlin, reflecting Putin's desperation as he seeks to hide the scale of the conflict and Russia's failings on the battlefield.'

The owner of Burger King has said the operator of its eight hundred stores in Russia has 'refused' to close them, despite its demand to suspend trading after the invasion of Ukraine. Last week, Burger King, which is owned by Restaurant Brands International, said it had suspended all supply chain, operational and marketing support for the Russian operation. RBI has been unable to close the operations directly, as rivals such as McDonald's have done, because of 'a complicated legal contract' with its main franchisee partner, Alexander Kolobov, with whom it has run the joint venture in Russia for a decade. 'We contacted the main operator of the business and demanded the suspension of Burger King restaurant operations in Russia,' David Shear, the president of RBI, said in a statement and letter to staff. 'He has refused to do so. Would we like to suspend all Burger King operations immediately in Russia? Yes. Are we able to enforce a suspension of operations today? No.' Burger King is one of a number of Western companies, including Marks & Spencer and the hotel groups Marriott and Accor, that are prevented by complex franchise deals from withdrawing. Which, of course. brings up the obvious question - what do they call a Whopper® in Russia? Not that Vladimir Putin will have any need to use the word in question, clearly.

Swiss food giant Nestlé is reported to be pulling its popular brands out of Russia but will still sell 'essential foods.' The firm stopped investment in the country earlier this month but has now suspended sales of brands such as KitKat and Nesquik. So, no more nice crunchy choccy wafer bars and milkshakes for Vlad The Small, seemingly. How jolly sad. The move follows fierce criticism of the firm by Ukrainian politicians. And, by Middle Class hippy Communist, quiche-eating Gruniad Morning Star readers, obviously. A growing number of Western brands have suspended operations in Russia in protest at the war but a few are staying put. 'As the war rages in Ukraine, our activities in Russia will focus on providing essential food - not on making a profit,' Nestlé claimed. One or two people even believed them. 'We are fully complying with all international sanctions on Russia,' it added. Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelenskiy criticised Nestlé for still conducting business in Russia in a streamed speech to protesters on Saturday. And earlier, Denys Shmyhal tweeted that Nestlé boss Mark Schneider 'shows no understanding.'

For several months, a mysterious one hundred and forty-metre-long, six-floor luxury 'super yacht' has towered over the smaller boats in the shipyard in Marina di Carrara, a town on Italy's Tuscan coast, arousing curiosity among its people over the identity of its wealthy owner. 'It's the largest yacht I've ever seen here,' said Suzy Dimitrova, who owns a - much smaller - boat in the marina. 'There are people cleaning it all the time. The last time I saw it leave [the shipyard] was last year. We're all wondering who the owner is.' The Scheherezade, said to be worth seven hundred million bucks, is 'under investigation by Italian authorities' for potential links to sanctioned Russians. And activists working with the jailed Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny are in no doubt that the yacht is owned by the Russian president Vlad The Small. Well, given its size, it's clearly a massive bit of dick-compensation. On Monday, investigative journalist Maria Pevchikh and anti-corruption activist Georgy Alburov said that all crew members, obtained from a list dating December 2020, were Russian, apart from the captain. In a video published on YouTube, they claimed that some of the yacht's staff worked for the Russia's Federal Service, an agency which manages security for high-ranking officials, including Putin. The activists, who have urged Italian authorities to seize the yacht, said this information proves it belongs to Putin. 'They are Russian state employees, military personnel and they regularly travel to Italy as a group to work on the mysterious yacht,' Pevchikh wrote on Twitter. The interior of the vessel was described as being equipped with a spa, swimming pools, two helipads, a wood-burning fireplace and a pool table designed to tilt so as to reduce the impact of the waves. Yeah, definitely compensating for something.

A petition calling on Switzerland to deport a Russian woman rumoured to be Vlad The Small's lover has received more than sixty one thousand signatures. From morons who, seemingly, don't understand that online petitions never, ever work. Still, don't let that stop you because, you know, these sort of things are always pure dead funny to watch. The campaign to expel Alina Kabaeva, a former Olympic gymnast and politician - who, seemingly, doesn't mind men with big egos but very small genitalia - was started by Russian, Belarussian and Ukrainian nationals after Putin's invasion of Ukraine some weeks ago. Written in English, French and German, the petition, which was posted on the notoriously crap change.org website, describes the thirty eight year old as 'the favourite wife of a delusional dictator.' With a very small penis. Allegedly. Comparing the Russian leader to Adolf Hitler (who only had one), it then urges Switzerland to see that 'Eva Braun' be 'returned to her Führer.' Its writers accuse Switzerland of 'continuing to host her and her family, whilst Putin is destroying the lives of millions.' Last month, Switzerland said it would join other countries in imposing sanctions against Russia. Speaking after the decision, Jacques Pitteloud, the country's ambassador in the US, said Switzerland remained a 'neutral' country. 'Neutral' in so much as they hid a shitloads of Nazi gold in the vaults of their Zurich banks for decades, presumably. Kabaeva has been romantically linked to Vlad The Small since 2008, when Moskovsky Korrespondent reported that the pair were engaged. The paper closed down a short time later. Although there is - clearly - no connection between the two events. Oh no, very hot water. In 2015, a Swiss newspaper claimed Kabaeva had given birth to Putin's sprog in Lugano. However, the Kremlin denied that Vlad The Small was the father. Though, tragically, they did not cite his titchy todger as evidence he couldn't be The Daddy. After her sports career, the Olympic gold medallist turned to politics, becoming the Duma's deputy speaker between 2007 and 2014. She was later chosen as chair of the Kremlin-linked National Media Group. Putin, who was previously married for three decades to Lyudmila Skrebneva before she divorced him - due to his lack of girth - is, famously, reticent about his personal life. And, about the size of his dong. Probably. 

According to Sarah Jones of the New York Intelligencier, Ukraine Doesn't Deserve Bono's Terrible Poem. For, it would seem that Mister Bonio our of The U2 Group and humanitarian world-saver wrote a - really terrible - poem in honour of Ukraine, which the Congress House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was forced to read out as a prelude to a Riverdance performance, recently. 'Brace yourselves,' notes Jones, before quoting said poem, 'this was not a beautiful day.' Sample stanzas: 'Ireland's sorrow and pain/Is now the Ukraine/And Saint Patrick's name now Zelenskyy.' Oh, Jesus. This is, of course, not the first time that The U2 Group have managed to shoehorn themselves into an international tragedy. In December 2015, The U2 Group wrote a song in tribute to Paris after the terrorist attacks which left one hundred and thirty people dead. As this blogger noted at the time: 'As if those poor people of Paris haven't suffered enough already.' The U2 Group - featuring Mister Bonio out of The U2 Group, Mister The Edge out of The U2 Group and ... The Other Two out of The U2 Group - were due to play in the French capital in the days after the attacks, but the gigs were cancelled as a result of the atrocity.' Proving that, just occasionally, every cloud does have a silver lining.

Russia has been warned off bidding to host the football European Championship in 2028 after it submitted an unexpected declaration of interest in staging the tournament. UEFA confirmed that Russia, the subject of a series of sporting bans after the invasion of Ukraine, had joined Turkey and the UK and Ireland in submitting declarations before Wednesday's deadline. The five-nation bid had been expected to win the 2028 rights in an uncontested process before Russia intervened. Alongside Turkey and Italy, Russia also declared an interest in hosting the event in 2032. UEFA reacted to the Russian declaration - which is likely to be interpreted as a provocation by a country with a leader whose chap is tiny - by insisting that further sporting sanctions could yet be taken against the country. Russian teams, at national and club level, are currently banned from participation in any FIFA and UEFA competitions. The Russian Football Union itself, however, is not the subject of any suspension and remains an active member of both international governing bodies. In a statement UEFA indicated that this situation 'could change' if Russia were to proceed from a declaration of interest to submitting a formal hosting bid. A declaration of interest is the first step in a bidding process which could last another year. UEFA is set to confirm the identities of countries involved in the full bidding process on 5 April. 'The Bureau of the FIFA Council and the UEFA Executive Committee decided on 28 February to suspend all Russian teams, whether national representative teams or club teams, from participation in both FIFA and UEFA competitions until further notice,' it said. 'However, no suspension of the Football Russian Union was imposed at that time.' Russia has previously announced its intention to challenge the UEFA and FIFA suspensions at the court of arbitration for sport. Last week CAS ruled that any appeal would not be expedited to allow Russia to complete its World Cup qualifying play-off match against Poland. The Poles have been given a bye to the final round where they will face the winner of the tie between the Czech Republic and Sweden. The court is still expected to rule on whether the suspensions are legal but a decision is not expected for some weeks. Meanwhile, that numbskull of a Prime Minister of ours has suggested Ukraine should be allowed entry to World Cup despite them being yet to face Scotland in a play-off (one which, if they should win, Ukraine would then play Wales for a place in the finals after Wales's victory over Austria this week). If Bashing Boris had been attempting to come up with a better recruitment poster for the Scottish National Party and Plaid Cymru he'd have struggled to beat this one. He really is about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition. He also described the Russian bid to host the 2028 European Championship as 'beyond satire' and then, get this dear blog reader, he recommended the hosting of the same tournament be awarded to Ukraine ... despite the fact that the government has already backed the UK and Ireland's own joint bid. Whatever that bloke has between his ears, dear blog reader, it sure as Hell isn't brains. Personally, this blogger suspects it's probably shat. Johnson's official spokesperson manfully - but, very unsuccessfully - sought to row-back the Prime Minister's idiotic, clueless remarks. 'He was making a moral point that aggressors such as Russia should not be given a platform on the international stage,' the spokesperson claimed. One or two people even believed him. Pressed on whether Johnson backed the UK and Ireland bid, the spokesperson insisted that Bashing Boris did, urging reporters to 'look at the full clip' and arguing that 'the question was posed in the context of Russia being awarded the championship.' Asked whether Johnson was even aware of the UK and Ireland bid, the spokesperson replied: 'Yes.' No one believed that.

The funniest news story concerning Vlad The Small this week, however, has been JK Rowling criticising Putin, after the Russian president (with his very small penis) cited her in a wide-ranging speech concerning 'Western cancel culture.' At a televised meeting on Friday, Putin compared recent criticism of the Harry Potter author to that faced by pro-war Russian composers and writers. In response, Rowling denounced the invasion of Ukraine in which, she said, Russia was 'slaughtering civilians.' Because, even when faced with - entirely legitimate - criticism concerning her troublesome views on transgender issues, who wants to be defended by Vladimir Putin?

Lord Grade, the TV executive, businessman and former BBC chairman has been chosen as the new chairman of UK media regulator Ofcom - a politically-appointed quango, elected by no one. The lack of culture secretary, The Vile & Odious Rascal Dorries said that she was 'delighted' to announce he is the government's 'preferred candidate' for the role. Well, of course she did, he's a Tory Peer, why wouldn't she be delighted? Grade said he was 'privileged' to be asked. Further Conservative peers Ed Vaizey and Stephen Gilbert were thought to be amongst the other candidates. The recruitment process for the three-day-a-week, one hundred and forty two grand-a-year job has taken two years, with ex-Daily Scum Mail editor and total scumbag The Odious Dacre reportedly having been in the running at one stage. It was overseen by civil servant Sue Gray, who also carried out the recent 'partygate' probe. The Vile & Odious Rascal Dorries added: 'Lord Grade's experience at the highest level of a number of broadcasters and his expert knowledge of the British media landscape makes him an ideal candidate for this role.' Meanwhile, Big Rusty and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) have, allegedly, threatened to kick Grade's face right in if he even thinks about casting his jaundiced gaze over Doctor Who again and punch him, hard, up the bracket on general principle. Which is both a fair and appropriate response in this blogger's not-even-remotely-humble opinion. But then, he is biased. It's a fair cop.

For the first time in a handful of From The North bloggerisationism updates, dear blog reader, this blogger has little to add on the subject of his current lack-of-health (see here, here, here and here for previous malarkey on that score). Little, but not nothing, obviously! Next week will see this blogger having a further series of medical visits, test and other general prickage whilst his doctors attempt to get to the bottom of the causes underlying his recently diagnosed pernicious anaemia. As noted previously, however, whilst most of the symptoms remain unchanged at this time, at least this blogger has begun to regain some of his appetite. As this little beauty ably demonstrates. Which, of course, this blogger really deserved. Goes without saying.

On Thursday, for us luncheon at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, we had omelette, bacon and chips with a nice hot cup of Rosie Lea. Deserved? What do you think, dear blog reader?

Then, on Friday, this blogger found it necessary to limp down the street and travel to Byker by bus for his weekly meat injection. Doing the Metro crossword whilst having his Breakfast At Morrisons, this blogger had but one clue to answer - 'get very angry, three-three-and-four'). Just as this blogger was about to hit the roof, he realised it was ... 'hit the roof.' In, the Metroscope, the risible Patrick Arundell was unusually fluid in his astrological cosmic bullshit noting 'today's Sun-Moon angle urges you to finalise a plan. [Never believe in anything Patrick Arundall claims about cosmic events, probably.] Plus, your pleasure plans sparkle [this blogger has 'pleasure plans'? Who knew?], with key planets in your recreational sector adding to the lively ambience. Yet, while this can coincide with more outings [I've got three - probably invasive - medical appointments next week, would those qualify?], it could also encourage a playful mood.' So, if you hear of this blogger getting arrested for being 'playful' with a nurse next week, dear blog reader, you know exactly whom to blame.

Plus, haircut! Severe, but necessary, this blogger was starting to look like a member of Barclay James Harvest. Which is never a good thing. 

Tuesday of this very week was, as this blogger is sure you are all well aware, National Mime Day. This blogger would have mentioned this glorious day of celebration earlier but ... nobody said anything.

During last Sunday's Bahraini Grand Prix, somebody asked this blogger what the capital of Bahrain is. This blogger replied: 'I dunno, why don't you ask The Muppets?' Seemingly, he did.

Speaking of events in Bahrain, this blogger doesn't believe he has ever laughed quite as much at the last two laps of a Grand Prix when both of the Red Bull cars - driven by the unfortunate Max Verstappen and the even more unfortunate Chico Perez - had to retire. Due to what this blogger is sure Adam & His Ants would describe as a bit of car trouble. It could've been worse; Pierre Gastly in his, Red Bull engine'd, Alpha Tauri - suffered from more than a touch of the John Foxxes. Not that this blogger has anything particular against either of the Red Bull drivers (in fact, he's a fan of both). No, it was that quick shot of their horrible boss, The Odious Snake Horner's mush looking for all the world like a smacked arse that made this blogger's day. Yes, mate, it's called 'karma'. This blogger laughed and he laughed and he laughed until he stopped. And then, he laughed some more.

The race was ultimately won by Ferrari's Charles Lecler with his Scuderia teammate Carlos Sainz in second place. The late drama involving Max and Chico allowed the sluggish-looking Merc of Whinging Lewis Hamilton to finish in third, with another of this blogger's favourite drivers, George Russell - in his first drive since leaving Williams for Mercedes - in fourth. Whinging Hamilton had looked set for fifth place as Mercedes' pace problems became clearer during the race but Red Bull's nightmare in the latter stages provided the seven-time champion with an unexpected boost. The irony that Whinging Hamilton gained from Red Bull's misfortunes in the first race after he lost the world title in the controversial climax to last season will be lost on jolly few. The Odious Snake Horner said he did not yet know what had gone wrong but it 'looks like an issue in the fuel system' for both Red Bull cars. Russell took fourth ahead of the revived Haas of Kevin Magnussen and Valtteri Bottas' Alfa Romeo, a strong drive from the Finn after a dreadful start dropped him right down the field from his sixth place on the grid. The new rules introduced this year with the aim of closing up the field and making overtaking easier have certainly shuffled the pack, with Mercedes and McLaren the biggest losers - in this race, at least - and Ferrari and Haas, seemingly, gaining most. 

It was jolly nice, watching the Winter Olympics recently, to know that the sole winter sport which Team Great Britain remain any good at is 'Fiendish Thingy Brushing', winning both a gold and a silver. Okay, so we're completely rubbish at downhill, luge, twatting about on ice in sequins and that curious 'jumping off the side of a mountain protected only by a couple of small poles' thing; but, stick a fiendish thingy in front of us plucky Brits and we can, quite literally, Brush For England. Or, Scotland, mostly, if we're being strictly accurate about this.

When yer actual Keith Telly Topping was naught but a wee-nipper, dear blog reader, his eldest brother (who was in the RAF at the time and, liked to buy stuff in far-off and exotic places - like London) brought home a reel-to-reel two-track tape recorder (an Elizabethan Automatic 2 model, produced between 1964 and 1967 for any tech heads out there and retailing at the astronomical price of twenty seven quid). This blogger still has it and it still (sort of) works. The tape features various recordings made by the Telly Topping family during the mid-to-late 1960s and early-1970s and includes the voices of this blogger's beloved late parents, his late grandparents (Lamb), his two brothers but, mostly, as you'd expect because he's always been a pushy little bugger, Keith Telly Topping his very self. Until you've heard this blogger singing The Kinks' 'Autumn Almanac' as a three year old during The Summer Of Love, trust me dear blog reader, you've never lived. There are also various interesting reminders of a number of nursery rhymes which this blogger used to have read to him and then repeat back. 'Hark, Hark, The Dogs Do Bark' was a particular favourite ... although looking that one up on Wikipedia this blogger was shocked - and stunned - into shame to discover that his dad used different words to the standard version; apparently, it's 'some in rags and some in jages' - a Tudor-period word for a fashionable style of clothing - not 'bags' as this blogger's father had it. As for the bit on the tape where Our Colin Telly Topping says to this blogger 'Simple Simon Met A .... you're not very good, are you?' I was four, mate and didn't, yet, possess a brain the size of an Adidas Telstar. But, there's one real curiosity, which is this blogger singing (probably at around the age of five) a song which he has been utterly unable to find any reference to online and he's now starting to think that someone in his family - if not Keith Telly Topping his very self - must've written it. It goes 'My father died a year ago, he left me all his riches/a feather bed and a wooden leg and a pair of calico britches/A coffee pot without a spout, a cup without a handle/a couple of bob and a broken knob and a half-a-farthing candle.' The fact that there is, apparently, a folk dance group called Half-A-Farthing Candle (this blogger found that much during his Google search) suggests that this is, perhaps, a slightly better known song than Keith Telly Topping has managed to trace thus far (it would be a staggering coincidence if their name didn't come from the song in question). This blogger is aware that the words may be completely wrong - and, indeed, almost certainly are, hence his inability to find references to it on the Interweb - but, does anybody else recognise this, dear blog readers? And, if so, what the Hell is it actually called? Because, it doesn't seem to be, as this blogger had always presumed, 'My Father Died A Year Ago'. Anyway, here is a picture of the ancient electronic artefact of which we have been speaking. They built things to last in those days. 

Of course, barely had this blogger typed all of that up and posted it on his Facebook page, dear blog reader, than one of this blogger's Facebook fiend, the very excellent Paul Rhodes, produced the following, an extract from TP Marhsall's Local Tales published in the Newport & Market Drayton Advertiser in October 1889.

Paul also notes that the (seemingly title-less) song is also reproduced in a modern collection - as a nursery rhyme, rather than a lyric - The Vintage Book Of Fathers by Louise Guinness, most recently republished in 2012. Not only that, but there is also a reference to the song in the Western Mail in 1918 where it is described as being 'once popular in Glamorgan.' As this blogger noted in his reply, 'it was, also, very popular in at least one household in the East End of Newcastle for a few months circa 1968-69.' Whilst different regional variants of the lyrics almost certainly exist, this blogger has to observe that, given the choice between the words as originally printed and the ones he used to sing as a five year old, he rather prefers The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House version.

Some properly excellent news now, dear blog reader, Keith Lemon has confirmed that Fantastical Factory Of Curious Craft was cancelled as it was 'too expensive' to make, according to the Sun. Of course, 'Keith Lemon' does not exist, he is a character - and an effing obnoxious one, at that - created by a genuinely talented but sometimes he doesn't seem to know what he does that's actually funny comedian, Leigh Francis. So, just the sort of badly-researched shat one would expect from the Sun, then. In the Channel Four show, 'Keith' teamed up with Naked Attraction's Anna Richardson to host an arts show where contestants had to make eye-catching crafts that the celebrity guests would buy. If you've never seen it, dear blog reader (and very few people have), it was a total load of effing crap, just like everything else Francis has done with the character since Bo' Selecta! In the 'fantastical' show, contestants had to impress 'Keith' with their creations, before they were passed on to famous guests such as Nick Grimshaw, Martin Kemp and Eamonn Holmes. Now, there's a line-up of 'talent' that makes one wish to do harm to ones own eyesight.

Meanwhile, the Maldon Standard (no, me neither), reports that Danny Dyer and 'Keith Lemon' were in an Essex village filming an ITV show, visiting a number of businesses in the area. The two z-list (and odious) celebrities were in Battlesbridge filming an episode for the ITV show, Shopping With Keith Lemon on Sunday 13 March. So, that should certainly be worth avoiding when it is eventually broadcast.

From The North favourite Bill Bailey has revealed that his bid to write Britain's entry for The Eurovision Song Contest was rejected by the BBC for being 'too silly.' The comic, Strictly Come Dancing Winner and twenty four carat national treasure wrote an 'eco-anthem' for the contest inspired by Dad's Army and entitled 'Put That Light Out Mister Hodges.' Ruddy 'ooligan. Bill is, reportedly, a proper fan of the competition and had hoped to represent the UK with his song. And, come last which is Britain's lot at Eurovision these days. Speaking to Jay Rayner on his Out To Lunch podcast, Bill said: 'I'm a bit of a Eurovision nerd only because I've watched it every year since I was a kid, I was obsessed with it, slightly. Every time I'm away or abroad, any part of the world I'm in I try to watch it because it shouldn't still be happening. It's a ludicrous load of nonsense that should no way still be a thing. And yet it's still hugely popular.' He added that the UK struggles because 'we're taking it too seriously and not seriously enough. You should just celebrate the ludicrousness of Britishness and British culture and capture that, bottle it in some way and then enhance it.'

As speculated on this blog (and, indeed, in the Gruniad Morning Star) when the announcement was made that this blogger's favourite podcast, Kermode & Mayo's Film Review was ending its run on 5Live after twenty one years, this is very much not the end of the road. Simon and Mark spent much of the 18 March episode of the massively popular podcast talking about the 'what are we going to listen to now?' reaction to their announcement the previous week and to assure dear listeners that the show is not ending, merely leaving its current home for pastures new (and, presumably, more commercial). Of course, as this blogger has noted to several fiends who've been beside themselves with grief over the though of Friday's without their weekly dose of Wittertainment, if and when Kermode & Mayo's Film Review (or, whatever they decide to rename it since that moniker is, likely, copyright the BBC), it's more than likely that listeners will have to pay for a show they've been getting free on the Beeb for the last twenty one years. That's the modern world for you, dear blog reader, capitalism won in case you hadn't noticed. Ask Mark, he'll give you a twenty page Marxist-Leninist essay on the subject! So, some good news in a week of almost unremittingly awful stories of war, cost of living rises, police incompetence and other general rottenness and horror.

And now, dear blog reader, a new semi-regular From The North feature. Famous People This Blogger Has Slept With; Number one, former Doctor Who star and national treasure Peter Davison.

Could this, perhaps, be the ultimate example of a 'we've organised an aggressive t-shirt campaign and we're having a series of quiche and coffee mornings. But, if those don't bring the government to its knees, I don't know what we'll do?'-style whinging Gruniad Morning Star headline ever? Free-Range Eggs Unavailable In Britain From Monday. Oh, the humanity, dear blog reader. For God's sake, let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the death of kings. Or, on the other hand - this is a bit of a radical suggestion, this blogger freely acknowledgement - couldn't all of the Middle Class hippy Communists at the Gruniad simply try buying none Free Range eggs instead? They may be surprised to discover that a), they're considerably cheaper than Free Range. Also, b) they taste exactly the same as Free Range and c) they're usually not covered in chicken-shit when you buy them. Unlike Free Range. Bonus. Christ, dear blog reader, as this blogger gets older he finds his patience levels with the utter crap that the Gruniad Morning Star chose to care about utterly exhausted. They really are the most irritating example of smug, self-entitled, squatting-on-every-fence slappable wankers imaginable.

You know the widely-held theory that Americans 'don't do' satire, dear blog reader? This blogger isn't so sure that's true, you know ...

From The North favourite The Reverend Richard Coles is one of the most famous vicars in the UK - although, to be fair, if you can name another one, this blogger would be jolly impressed. However, in just over a month's time he will retire from parish duties at his church in rural Northamptonshire and, instead, volunteer to work with convicted prisoners. He will also be leaving the village which has been his home for the last eleven years and the county he and his family are from. So how does the former pop star reflect on his time as vicar of Finedon? Find out in this, rather good, BBC News interview.

A Spanish man who had eaten hash cakes before he was pulled over by police for driving erratically has been fined two thousand and one Euros after reportedly failing to convince officers that he had immunity because he was a diplomat for an 'individual and mobile' republic. One presumes that the extra Euro added to the fine was a bet the judge had with someone. Earlier this month, Guardia Civil officers in the Northern Spanish region of La Rioja ordered the twenty eight-year-old chancer to pull over after noticing that his Volkswagen Golf was zigzagging across the road and that he was on his mobile phone. 'Once the vehicle had been intercepted, the officers asked the driver for his identity documents, to which he responded by showing a driving licence and ID card from the República Errante Menda Lerenda (Wandering Republic Of Yours Truly),' the force said in a statement. Although the 'republic' bills itself online as 'an individual and mobile sovereignty recognised by other states capable of acting with complete independence in strict compliance with international law,' the officers were somewhat less than impressed by his documents or his claims of diplomatic immunity against the driving offences. 'The driver ignored repeated requests to show credible identification and began to show the officers a lack of respect,' the statement continued. If he'd tried that whilst Franco was in charge of the gaff, one imagines, they'd have garrotted him on the spot just opn general principle so this may be regarded as progress. '[He claimed to have immunity on the grounds that he was a member of the sovereign diplomatic service of the aforementioned republic.' After being subjected to a drug test, the man tested extremely positive for THC, the main psychoactive compound in cannabis and told the officers this was 'due to the marijuana madeleines he had eaten.' The Spanish Fuzz, however, were having none of it. Further checks revealed that the car's ITV (the Spanish equivalent of the MOT) had expired. Plus, he was looking at them in a funny way. Probably. The driver had nine points docked from his licence and was fined six hundred and one Euros for disobeying the police and providing false or inaccurate information, one thousand Euros for drug-driving, two hundred Euros for driving while on the phone and a further two hundred Euros for failing to have a valid ITV. His car was also impounded. It is not the first time people have used Menda Lerenda IDs to try to avoid legal problems. And failed. In October 2020, a man wanted for traffic offences was arrested after showing officers in the North-West Galicia region a Menda Lerenda driving licence before attempting to flee to scene. A few months later, another man in the same region produced a Menda Lerenda ID when stopped during a routine Covid check. He was taken to a police station - and, presumably, given a right good kicking - where it emerged that he was wanted by the authorities for refusing to send his children to school.

And, speaking of criminals, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon is, potentially, facing a shitload of jail over possible contempt of court after failing to show up for a high court hearing where he was to be questioned about his finances after extremely losing a libel case. The former English Defence League leader - and, convicted thug - had claimed he was bankrupt after losing the libel case brought against him by Jamal Hijazi, who had been filmed being attacked at school in 2018. Yaxley-Lennon, was very sued after falsely claiming in Facebook videos viewed by nearly one million sick racist scum that Hijazi was 'not innocent and he violently attacks young English girls in his school.' But, the court decided that he was and damages of one hundred grand were awarded to Jamal, who is now aged eighteen. His legal costs, which Yaxley-Lennon was also ordered to pay, were thought to be more than half-a-million knicker. Yaxley-Lennon was subsequently ordered to attend a hearing at the high court to be questioned by a lawyer for Hijazi - but failed to attend the hearing on Tuesday. Judge Dagnall said that there 'may well' be a reason for why Yaxley-Lennon was not present, but added 'that is for another day' and said he could only refer the matter to a high court judge to consider if there had been contempt. 'He knew perfectly well that this hearing was going to take place,' said Dagnall, adding that there had been 'a response' from an e-mail address that had been used to service notice to Yaxley-Lennon. He recalled that, at a previous hearing, it had been 'understood' that documents and orders would be served on Yaxley-Lennon by e-mail after Yaxley-Lennon had whinged that those living at his home address could be subject to threats 'in light of his political activities' if it were used to serve further documents and orders. The judge added that he had to 'dispense with a method of service' at Yaxley-Lennon's own request, telling the hearing: 'Anything that occurs with his e-mail inbox is very much down to him.'

France has charged seven youths over a massive robbery from a film crew shooting the new series of the hit Netflix heist series Lupin. The TV unit, along with the series' principal actor, Omar Sy, were filming in the Pablo-Picasso district of the Parisian suburb of Nanterre on an afternoon in late February when they were reportedly attacked by about twenty hooded assailants. The robbin' robbers launched fireworks at the crew before making off with equipment worth about three hundred thousand Euros. The teenagers and men charged on Friday, aged between thirteen and twenty one, are accused of 'armed robbery as part of an organised gang' and receiving stolen goods, prosecutors in Nanterre said. A 'source close to the investigation' - so, that'll be one of The Fuzz, presumably, told AFP that the youths were 'known to the police,' adding that some of the stolen equipment had been recovered in searches. Three of the arrested were being held in custody while four were under judicial supervision. Police are still searching for other members of the gang who are, currently, on the run. A contemporary take on the early-Twentieth Century Arsène Lupin, Gentleman Thief stories by Maurice Leblanc, Lupin was watched by millions of viewers when its first series was released on Netflix last year. It was the first French show to enjoy that level success with the US streaming giant.

Sir Mark Todd will face a disciplinary hearing on Thursday after a video on social media showed him hitting a horse with a branch. The former Olympic equestrian champion turned racehorse trainer was given an interim suspension last month. The sixty five-year-old New Zealander has snivellingly apologised for his actions. An independent panel of the British Horseracing Authority will consider whether his conduct was prejudicial to racing's reputation. Todd, who trains in Wiltshire, is accused of striking a horse multiple times with a tree branch on 29 August 2020. The video shows Todd hitting the horse - really hard - while attempting to coax it towards the water jump in a cross-country schooling session. He is unable to race horses while the interim suspension is in place.

A New Mexico county commissioner who founded a group called Cowboys For Trump was found extremely guilty by a judge on Tuesday of breaching the US Capitol during the 6 January 2021 failed insurrection, a second consecutive win at trial for the US Department of Justice. Following a two-day non-jury trial, the US district judge, Trevor McFadden, said that the defendant, Couy Griffin, was very guilty of one of the two misdemeanor offences. The ruling bolsters a key theory from prosecutors in hundreds of related cases. They argued that the Capitol grounds were 'strictly off-limits' and that should have been apparent to the thousands of now extremely former President Rump supporters who breached them in an attempt to stop Congress certifying Joe Biden's erection and cause mayhem, malarkey and discombobulation. The judge found Griffin guilty of entering a restricted area protected by the US Secret Service but cleared him of disorderly conduct. McFadden said that Griffin should have known not to scale walls and enter the Capitol grounds, but said Griffin was innocent of disorderly conduct because he never tried to 'rile up' the crowd at the Capitol or engage in any violence. McFadden scheduled a June sentencing hearing for Griffin, who faces up to a year behind bars for his naughty crime. Before the mob stormed the Capitol Rump, of course, gave a fiery speech in which he falsely claimed his erection defeat the previous November was the result of widespread fraud, an assertion rejected by multiple courts, state erection officials, members of his own administration and, indeed, anyone with a half-a-functioning-brain in their skull. Which, obviously, automatically excludes the majority of now extremely former President Rump's supporters. About eight hundred people face criminal charges relating to the failed insurrection, which sent the then-Vice-President, Mike Pence, and members of Congress running for their lives. Some two hundred have already pleaded very guilty and thrown their sorry asses upon the mercy of the courts. Griffin's bench trial is, according to the Gruniad Morning Star, 'seen as an important test case as the DoJ attempts to secure convictions of the hundreds of defendants who have not taken plea deals.' The first jury trial for a 6 January defendant ended in a decisive victory for prosecutors earlier this month. After a quick deliberation, a jury unanimously found a Texas man very guilty on all five of the felony charges he faced, including bringing a gun onto the Capitol grounds and obstructing an official proceeding. Guy Reffitt, a member of a right-wing militia group called the Texas Three Percenters, had threatened to shoot his own son for turning him in to The Feds. He could face up to twenty years in The Joint when he is sentenced in June.

Andy McCluskey remembers vividly - in a rather good piece in the Gruniad Morning Star - the first time he saw a Maurice Wade painting. The Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark co-founder (and From The North favourite) was at a gallery in Hale, Cheshire, enquiring about a different artwork altogether when it stopped him in his tracks. 'I walked in and there it was, "BOOM!"' he says. 'His paintings have a resonance for me on so many levels: the stark sense of black and white, the industrial landscapes, the melancholy ... I just went, "Woooah." And then I got a bit carried away.' In the decade since that first encounter, McCluskey has snapped up twenty one works by the little-known British painter. They currently cover pretty much all the wall space in his house ('I have no need for wallpaper'), although they're about to leave home to appear in a new exhibition, Silent Landscapes: The Andy McCluskey Collection. It is only the second exhibition of Wade's work in the past thirty years and one that McCluskey hopes will bring the late oil painter some much deserved attention. 'It's difficult to find out much about him,' says McCluskey. 'Nobody can even find a photograph of him. He’s quite mysterious.'

Two massive anniversaries coincide this year and, according to the Evening Crocodile, plans have been finalised to mark them together. Hadrian's Wall is celebrating its nineteen hundredth birthday, whilst it is also, of course, Her Maj The Queen's Platinum Jubilee, marking seventy years on the throne. The former is, clearly, the more important of the two. On Thursday 2 June, the communities of Hadrian's Wall will honour The Queen, by lighting beacons across the full length of the UNESCO World Heritage site. The celebration is part of The Queen's Platinum Jubilee Beacons, which is taking place across the whole of the UK. Those on Hadrian's Wall have been given special dispensation to be lit later than the rest of the country, in recognition of the scale and importance of the wall to the night's celebrations and its own big birthday. The lighting of Hadrian's Wall's beacons is the final item on the evening's itinerary, after more than fifteen hundred Platinum Jubilee beacons will be lit at 9.45pm. The day's activities start at 2pm with hundreds of town criers and fifty Pearly Kings and Queens ('Oi!') announcing a specially written Proclamation heralding the lighting of the beacons. At 9.35pm, traditional and Northumbrian pipers and pipe bands will play Diu Regnare, a unique composition specially written for the occasion by Piper Major, Stuart Liddell before buglers linked to local beacon lightings across the UK and capital cities of the Commonwealth will, officially, announce the lighting of the beacons with a bugle call entitled Majesty. this blogger has no idea what that one's all about. Then, to coincide with the lighting, community choirs across all nations will sing 'Song For The Commonwealth', which has been written and composed by Australia's Lucy Keily and Nigeria's Vincent Atueyi Chinemelu. Bruno Peek, the Pageantmaster Pursuivent of the Queen's Platinum Jubilee Beacons, said: 'Building on a long tradition of lighting beacons to mark significant royal celebrations, over fifteen hundred Platinum Jubilee Beacons will be lit across the UK and Commonwealth on the first evening of the four-day Jubilee Weekend. The Beacons will enable local communities to join together and pay tribute to Her Majesty as part of the official programme of events.' The Hadrian's Wall Platinum Jubilee Beacons have been listed as part of the Hadrian's Wall Nineteen Hundred Festival, which is taking place along the length of the wall throughout 2022.

The Crocodile also reports that Newcastle drinkers - and, there are many of them; just have a walk doon Th' Bigg Market on an average night for confirmation - have 'voiced their disappointment' that Stack will soon be closing for good so that a major office development can take its place. The Stack box park venue on Pilgrim Street in the city centre will shut on 2 May to make way for an office block that will house nine thousand staff from HMRC. The food, drink and shopping hub which is made up of shipping containers, opened on the former Odeon site four years ago to bring new retail and leisure operators to the city centre. It has been home to popular street food vendors including Acropolis and Bao Down over the years, but now businesses are serving up their final meals to customers before they move on from the site. Neill Winch, CEO of The Stack owners Danieli Group, confirmed that the venue will close to make way for the Pilgrim Place development works. However, Newcastle City Council has hinted that a new Stack site in the city could be in the pipeline as operators look at an alternative location. Cabinet member for Development, Neighbourhoods and Transport, Ged Bell, said: 'While always intended as a temporary development, Stack became an extremely popular addition to the city centre diversifying its offer and bringing back into use vacant land which had become an eyesore. This site forms part of a much larger area that in time will bring significant economic benefits and jobs to the city. We understand that the operators of Stack are looking at an alternative site in that part of the city centre.' But until a new site is revealed Newcastle drinkers have said it is a 'great shame' to lose the venue and 'raised concerns' about the impact it will have on the city's nightlife. And, you don't want to disappoint Newcastle drinkers, dear blog reader - you really wouldn't like them when they're angry. 

It has been reported that, when they were making Chinatown in 1973, Roman Polanski was in the garden of Jack Nicholson's Mulholland Drive home one evening after they'd had dinner, looking at lights of LA and the San Fernando Valley below. 'Los Angeles is the most beautiful city in the world,' Polanski told Jack. '... When seen from a distance and at night!' Personally, this blogger feels exactly the same way about Th' Toon! (Photo courtesy of the very excellent Ready Steady Shoot company of Sooth Shields whose website can be visited here.)

A sixteen-year-old from Oxford has been accused of being one of the leaders of cyber-crime gang Lapsus$. The teenager, who is alleged to have amassed a fourteen million bucks fortune from hacking, has been named by rival hackers and researchers. One wonders how he explained the size of his bank balance to relatives. 'A really good paper round'? City of London Police say they have arrested seven teenagers in relation to the gang but will not say if he is one of them. The boy's father told the BBC his family was 'concerned' and was trying to keep him away from his computers. He's got fourteen million dollars in the bank, mate, one imagines he can afford to buy more than a few.

P&O Ferries boss Peter Hebblethwaite has admitted to MPs that a decision to sack eight hundred workers last week without notice to their union broke the law. In one of the most buttock-clenchingly embarrassing examples of 'shooting yourself in the foot live on TV', he said there was 'absolutely no doubt' that, under UK employment law, the firm was required to consult unions before making the mass cuts. However, he said no union would have accepted the plan and it was 'easier' to compensate workers 'in full' instead. The Conservative chair of the Transport Committee urged him to resign. 'It's untenable to come to parliament and say you decided to break the law, you have no regrets,' Huw Merriman told Radio 4's World At One. 'We can't have companies run by people like that. So he needs to hand his card in.' The sackings sparked outrage after it emerged that staff will be replaced by foreign agency workers paid less than the minimum wage. Addressing a committee of MPs on Thursday, Hebblethwaite snivellingly apologised for the 'distress' caused by the sackings, but claimed they were 'necessary' to save the business which has been loss-making. One or two people even believed him. He said workers would receive 'extremely generous' compensation, although as part of these settlements they would forgo their right to pursue further legal action against P&O. As generosity goes, that's not especially generous. Asked whether P&O broke the law by not consulting the unions, Hebblethwaite waffled: 'It was our assessment that the change [to staffing] was of such a magnitude that no union could possibly accept our proposal. So as I say, I completely throw our hands up ... that we did choose not to consult.' He added: 'We did not believe there was any other way to do this and we are compensating people in full.' MPs were, visibly, aghast at his open admission that the business had 'chosen not to comply' with the legally-binding requirement to consult unions over planned redundancies. A representative of DP World, which owns P&O, said Hebblethwaite would not be sacked. Hebblethwaite, who earns over three hundred grand-a-year as a basic salary, claimed he 'could not say' whether he would get a performance-related bonus after the sackings. Not one single person believed that. Hebblethwaite said that the firm's new operating model was 'consistent with models throughout the globe and our competitors.' So, in other words 'our rivals are all low-paying, shifty scum so we thought we'd have a go at that, too.' By sacking its crews and taking on agency staff instead, he claimed the business would cut its wage bill in half. Following the hearing MP Darren Jones, who chairs the business committee, said he was 'amazed' by Hebblethwaite's evidence. The Labour MP added: 'He should be fined, struck off and prosecuted.' But, of course, he won't be because ... well, rich fuckers always get away with murder. That's the way the world works, dear blog reader- just to repeat, capitalism won. 'I am sickened and shocked by this man's arrogant explanation,' Jones added. 'I don't even know if I've got the right words for how I'm feeling inside.' Good God, this must be serious, an MP has been rendered speechless. That never happens - they've always got plenty to say, about everything. Meanwhile, transport secretary Grant Shapps said he would take action to prevent similar mass sackings without notice. But not to prevent this one, seemingly. He said the government would 'have a package of measures' to remove a 'loophole in the law' it believed had been 'exploited' by P&O. But there isn't a loophole in the law, mate, they broke the law - yer man Hebblescum just admitted so, live on TV. If anybody else breaks the law they get their sorry asses tossed into The Slammer for their naughty crimes. But, not rich fuckers, seemingly. One very much wonders why that is. Oh yeah, capitalism won, this blogger momentarily forgot. MPs on the committee also raised questions about the way P&O notified foreign governments that it was going to make the redundancies, which is also a legal requirement. The company informed authorities in Barbados, Bermuda and Cyprus on 17 March - but MPs said it should have done this sooner. On Wednesday, Boris Johnson told the Commons that 'it looks like' P&O breached a similar rule in the UK, but some employment lawyers have since cast doubt on that claim. The company denies it breached any rules in this regard. And, to paraphrase the late and much lamented Mandy-Rice Davies, 'well, they would, wouldn't they?' Once again, dear blog reader, it's worth reflecting on a truism that From The North has made reference to before. There are many good people in the world, dear blog reader. There are also some (though, thankfully, somewhat fewer) bad people. And then, there are some people that are just, simply, scum. 

And finally, dear blog readers, a trio of contenders for From The North's Headline Of The Week award. Firstly, a rather eye-watering one from the Daily Scum Mail - Man Who Cut Off His Penis & Put It In A Drawer Is Fighting For His Life. Probably a good idea not to lop yer own dong off in that case. It's unnecessary, bloody painful and, quite a bit messy, this blogger reckons.

Secondly, a particularly fine effort from the Coventry Telegraph, Woman Hunting Man Whose Name She Had Tattooed On Her Bum During A Girls' Holiday In Magaluf Ten Years Ago. And, seemingly, she even provided photographic evidence. Well, we've all done it at one time or another, be fair.

And, lastly, the Brighton Argus's Brighton City Council Speak On Couple's Sex Alley Hell. In which Council 'chiefs' have, reportedly, promised to consider blocking one end of 'a nightmare passageway' used by 'revellers' to have The Sex and 'go to the toilet.' But, residents are still not happy. And, in a sense, dear blog reader, are any of us ever, really, happy? No, thought not. See y'all next time.