So, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, welcome you all are to the first From The North bloggerisationism update of a completely New Year.
We start off with some actual great news. Apparently, dear blog reader, you can currently get this malarkey at Tesco for, but, a fiver. Sounds like a right proper bargain to this blogger and no mistake. After all, if you're going to get rimmed, dear blog readers, then passionate people would appear to be the very chaps to be doing said rimming. This blogger is sure you'll all agree.
Since the last From The North bloggerisationism update on 21 December, we've had a new Doctor Who episode, The Church On Ruby Road, broadcast on Christmas Day. This blogger, needless to say, thought it was great. Sweet, charming, touching, funny, Davina McCall getting crushed by a Christmas tree, super-gloves, singing Goblins, temporal mechanics, domestic repairs and Shakin' Stevens! 'I've even been trampled by a moose!' Even the Middle Class hippy Communists at the, notoriously fickle, Gruniad Morning Star thought it was geet lush. Ncuti and Millie were absolutely electric together, as hoped. Crackling. Fizzing, even. The future's bright, dear blog reader, the future's Rusty.
Of course, not everyone liked it. But Hell, that's their problem, frankly. For example, on Boxing Day this blogger saw someone online suggesting that 'they've turned Doctor Who into Batman.' This blogger is not sure exactly whom 'they' are or if that is supposed to be a bad thing or not. But, it did give this blogger an excellent opportunity to post these two images again for the first time in a while.
Firstly, Dinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinner Rusty!
And secondly, from the archives - 'I'm afraid I was very, very drunk!'
The BBC has released the viewing figures for Doctor Who over the festive period and has revealed the popular, long-running family SF drama from 2005 onwards was watched a whopping ten million times on iPlayer. During the Christmas week (25 to 31 December), viewers flocked to iPlayer and set a new all-time record, according to the BBC. The Church On Ruby Road, was the fifth most watched programme throughout the BBC's festive fortnight. It received 1.79 million streams over the period. Dan McGolpin, director of BBC iPlayer and channels, said: 'It's wonderful to see that viewers came to BBC iPlayer in record numbers over the festive period. Nowhere else would they have found the same range of high-quality British programming to keep them gripped, make them laugh or to provide companionship and news at that special time a whole host of compelling drama, comedy, factual programming, entertainment and sport landing on iPlayer in 2024, viewers can look forward to a great year ahead.' The episode itself, which was broadcast on Christmas Day (you noticed that, right?), had an overnight rating of 4.73 million, which was slightly higher than the final sixtieth anniversary special. The Giggle received 4.62 million overnight viewers and an 6.85 million consolidated seven day plus audience. The Church On Ruby Road was the third most watched programme on Christmas Day, coming after The King's Christmas Broadcast (with 7.48 million viewers across numerous channels) and the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special (with 5.29 million viewers on BBC1). The forthcoming series of Doctor Who is due to debut on the BBC and Disney Plus circa May 2024, with a trailer being released on Christmas Day. The trailer gave fans a glimpse of what to expect from Ncuti Gatwa's first series as The Doctor, including some guest stars - Indira Varma and Jonathan Groff - and The Doctor and Ruby's adventure with The Be-Atles (a popular beat-combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them).
Meanwhile, here's a picture of Millie Gibson with a bag of chips. Definitely this blogger's kind of lady.
Speaking of the trailer and The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) ... okay, so if what Russell has stated is accurate and the episode take place in early 1963, then that's the wrong Gretsch that Scouser of Distinction George Harrison is playing (it appears to be a cherry-red Gretsch Country Gentleman. George was still playing his black Gretsch Duo Jet up to the late summer of 63). The drum-head logo is also completely wrong. The Abbey Road studio two control room's in the wrong place (trust this blogger, he's been there and had his photo taken with his feet up on the mixing desk!) But, the Gibson J160 looks about right and at least the bassist is left-handed (unlike the vast majority of Be-Atles tribute bands these days). So nice try - seven out of ten (ish) but, ultimately, 'not a bit like Cagney!' When pointing all this out on Facebook, of course, this blogger immediately got asked by one of his dear Facebook fiends why he cared about such rank trivia. To which this blogger replied: 'I don't care, I'm just being a trainspotter because this is one of the few subjects that, for once, I actually do know what I'm talking about! And, also, I am the co-author of The Discontinuity Guide, after all and, therefore, spotting these sort of things actually is my job.' You can't argue with that logic.
There's also the fact that 'John' is wearing spectacles that wouldn't be seen on his mush until late 1966 though this blogger is even less bothered about that. Far less bothered, in fact, than his lovely and usually quite 'normal' fiend, Jan, who completely lost her shit over it! To such an extent that this blogger had to go down the Michael Winner route and cry 'calm down, dear, it's only a TV show'! (That said, he's still a bit vexed about them using the wrong Gretsch!) Unless, of course, The 'Mavityverse' is at play, here. You never know.
Wrong glasses?
The new series will also see an all-star line-up (it says here) including returnees Yasmin Finney and Bonnie Langford who will reprise their roles as Rose Noble and Mel Bush. As well as introducing Jinkx Monsoon as The Doctor's (allegedly) 'most powerful enemy yet', Jonathan Groff in a mysterious key role, Indira Varma as The Duchess and Lenny Rush as Morris, to name but several.
Incidentally, dear blog reader, if you're wondering this image - purporting to contain the names of all eight of the next series stories taken from a Disney screengrab - does not appear to be even remotely kosher. Which is a pity, actually as if there isn't an episode called Goodbye, Ruby Sunday this blogger wants his money back. Some people, seemingly, have far too much time on their hands and access to photoshop.
Doctor Who's Christmas special introduced viewers to The Goblin King. You may have noticed. In one of the episode's most memorable moments, The Doctor and Ruby Sunday broke into song to distract the monstrous villain - a sequence which this blogger thought was great and made even greater by the fact that it was guaranteed to cause the heads to explode of various gammon-faced bigoted snarling overgrown schoolboys in their forties - but there was a version of the story which was somewhat different. Talking on the BBC's Doctor Who: Video Commentaries, Big Rusty revealed that, before The Doctor and Millie used the Goblin King's probability powers against him, the plan had been for the baddie to pursue Ruby through her apartment. 'Originally, they got back to the flat and everything was fine and then The Goblin King attacked and he arrived in the bedroom and came down the hall, so it was brilliant,' Big Rusty stated. 'He was coming down the hall. But earlier on we’d established that Carla gives everyone a scratchcard for Christmas, like when the social workers say, "Oh, have a scratchcard, have a scratchcard. Hope you win, blah blah blah." So, there's a pile of scratchcards in the kitchen. So Ruby fought off The Goblin King with luck. She kept scratching them until she won,' he continued. 'It was bad luck, bad luck, bad luck. Then she got to like the fifteenth card and she won ten pounds. And she went "Good luck!" like that and The Goblin King vanished. And then what we've replaced that with is a crack in the roof.' The showrunner went on to reveal the sequence had to be cut 'due to budgetary constraints.'
All eyes were on the new Doctor, Ncuti, of course but he didn't think he would be the biggest star of Doctor Who's Christmas special. Instead, the Rwanda-born Scottish actor joked with the BBC that he was angry Davina McCall's cameo 'steals the show' and pointed to the setting in 'mythical' Welsh Wales. He also praised Big Rusty for 'whipping up' the 'fresh and scary' world Doctor Who is set in. Whilst the role may be new for the thirty one-year-old, the setting is very familiar, having spent the best part of five years filming in Wales for Sex Education and as the Time Lord since February. He thanked the country for 'welcoming me and consistently employing me' and described why he thought it provided the perfect backdrop. 'Wales is just the most beautiful country, like ridiculously so at times,' he told BBC Radio Wales. 'And I can see why they film Doctor Who here, because there's something almost mythical about some of the landscapes in Wales. There's a place where we shot the beginning of episode four of Doctor Who. Tenby, "loads of people go there for their caravan holidays," they said to me. What a stunning place. And you guys just have that for free.' Southerndown Beach, near Bridgend, Cardiff Bay, Caerphilly Castle and Margam Country Park will all appear in the series, due to be broadcast in the spring. Ncuti said of Big Rusty's input: 'He is whipping up a world that is so exciting, and new and fresh, and scary and deep and dark and so much fun as well.' As the popular, long=running family SF drama celebrates its sixtieth anniversary, Ncuti believes the longevity is down to writers such as Davies being able to reflect society in the UK and around the world. 'He is able to channel issues and conversations and where we are in the world through the power of his pen and this is what he's doing on this show,' Ncuti added. 'And so I think it's really important that the show continues to be a bit of a mirror to us and who we are as humans.' Perhaps the success is also down to the personal attachment many feel to it - as Ncuti described Doctor Who as a show he loves 'as do we all in this country. And the character was one that I felt the relationship with,' he added. 'I feel, The Doctor's like a member of our family, like we've all grown up with him. It's like a piece of furniture in the house. And so I always knew that I liked that piece of furniture. And I was like, I would like to be that piece of furniture.' While many people no doubt watched his first (well, technically, second) appearance as The Doctor on Christmas Day after eating and drinking too much (this blogger certainly did - see below), Ncuti enjoyed the moment in slightly different circumstances after having the episode sent to his phone. He said: 'I came back, because I'm such a rock star, from the gym. And I watched it on my own. I put my phone in airplane mode. I sent my flatmate out. And then watched it. And then as it got to the bit where I was going to like pop out, I had to pause the screen, go for a little walk, poured myself a glass of something, have a little breather and then switched it back on. God, my heart was just racing with nerves, anticipation, just feeling sick, but feeling excited.'
The BBC has expertly - and, very satisfyingly - shut down Doctor Who complaints levied against a transgender character introduced in a recent episode. In November's The Star Beast, which reunited David Tennant's Doctor and Catherine Tate's Donna, Heartstopper star Yasmin Finney made her debut in the show, playing Donna's daughter Rose. One scene in the episode, which was written by Russell Davies, featured a frank discussion about Rose's trans identity after she is misgendered, with another one showing her being 'deadnamed' by sick, scum bullies. Deadnaming, in case you hadn't come across the term, is the act of calling someone by the name they used before they transitioned. While many viewers - this blogger included and, happily, most of his fiends - praised the inclusion of such scenes, which were described as 'natural' and 'educational' (the later, remember, being one of the BBC's three Reithian values), they also found themselves the subject of one hundred and forty four complaints to the BBC. By sick, bigoted, transphobia, small-dicked GB News viewing scum who, seemingly, object when confronted by diversity against their will, basically. Something which the corporation has now, rather beautifully, responded to and slapped down into the gutter along with all the other stinking, rancid, puke-inducing shite. Deadline has highlighted an update on the BBC's complaints response website, which reads: 'As regular viewers of Doctor Who will be aware, the show has and will always continue to proudly celebrate diversity and reflect the world we live in [this blogger's italics]. We are always mindful of the content within our episodes.' Big Rusty, who is overseeing the new era of the popular, long-running family SF drama, said in November of on-screen trans representation: '[There are] newspapers of absolute hate and venom and destruction and violence who would rather see that sort of thing wiped off the screen [and] destroyed. Shame on you and good luck to you in your lonely lives.' Speaking on companion show Doctor Who: Unleashed, Davies explained the decision to incorporate Finney's trans identity into the show. 'It becomes a vital part of the plot that Rose contains the "he" and the "she" and the neither and the both and that's a new future. Rose goes beyond words, beyond definitions.' He continued: 'Homophobia and transphobia happens when it's something you've never seen before. You can temper that reaction and change it when you introduce these images to people happily and normally and calmly when they're young. Then it just becomes normal.' It really does astonish this blogger and flabber-his-gast to its very core that people who claim to be 'fans' of Doctor Who - a popular, long-running family SF drama with a sixty year history of being inclusive, open, tolerant and considerate - can quietly forgot that history when showing off their loathsome puss-filled prejudices. Forgetting, for example, that the show's first producer was one of the first women in such a position in the BBC's history, that it's first director was a gay British-Asian man, or that - just to take one further example - one of its most popular periods was used by the producer, script editor and several of its writers as a platform to highlight topical social and political issues like ecology, racism and industrial action whilst placing much of the drama in the context of Buddhist allegory. But then, dear blog reader, some people are, sadly, just scum.
This blogger mentioned in the last From The North bloggerisationism update, those two objectionable clown displaying clear and sickening racist scumbaggery and clear, crass apologism for sickening racist scumbaggery (respectively) with regard to the allegedly 'woke' casting of Ncuti in the series. Since then, we've seen one particularly cowardly piece of filth on one of this blogger's Facebook fiends pages, taking issue with some of Russell's quoted comments regarding diversity and suggesting that this - no doubt perfect - individual believed Russell was deliberately trying to annoy 'the majority of older fans.' This blogger pointed out that he always enjoys watching someone claiming to be speaking on behalf of 'the majority of older fans' without, seemingly, having bothered to ask anyone if he had their permission to do so. Because, this blogger certainly didn't get that memo. And, when this hideous piece of noxious phlegm then carried on arguing the toss (plus a bit of crass 'and, incidentally, I'm not homophobic, me' snivelling), this blogger advised him to stop trying to be a gatekeeper since he was, manifestly, unfit for the job. 'You don't own Doctor Who,' this blogger noted, adding that neither does Keith Telly Topping and that, in fact, only the BBC does and they've decided to employ Russell Davies to produce the show in any damned way that he sees fit. 'You as, I presume, a licence-fee payer have the right to watch it, or not watch it, it's a free country after all.' Shortly afterwards, another - different - Facebook fiend had his page infected by some spotty glake bemoaning - in the most crass and ignorant 'why? Oh why? Oh why?' way - that 'they've made The Doctor gay.' On this occasion, this blogger wasn't going to get himself involved since plenty of others were doing a very good job of eviscerating this cretin and ripping him a new arsehole. But, like an idiot, he kept on replying, full of denials concerning his (clear) homophobia and trying to talk his way out of the sticky situation he'd gotten himself into. This blogger merely ended the discussion with a couple of pieces of, he felt, worthwhile advice for the young man. 'A tip: When you're in a hole, it's usually a good idea to stop digging. Another tip: Get yourself a new mind, because they one you have appears to be narrow. And full of shit.'
Featured in this month's issue of Doctor Who Magazine (available from all good newsagents ... and some bad ones) is a scene from the initial draft script for The Giggle which didn't make the final cut, between The Doctor, Donna and Mel. One which included a reference of The Rani. In the scene, with The Doctor's hands glowing, pre-regeneration, Donna asks Mel: 'Have you seen this before?' Mel responds: 'No, I missed it, I was unconscious,' going on to clarify: 'Well, the TARDIS was attacked, by The Rani, she was this evil Time Lady, although not evil, more like amoral and she dragged the TARDIS down to this planet called Lakertya.' And then, there was all that ludicrous stuff about 'loyhargil ...' Oh, this blogger is shuddering at the very thought of it.
One suspects the reason why Russell decided to cut the scene, apart from perhaps timing reasons, was that it's part of a not-so-subtle attempt to just pretend that Time & The Rani never happened and if we all just sit here, quietly, we might forget about it. Which, trust this blogger, would be a blessing. Either that, or Russell was thinking that since Bonnie Langford had just made the greatest comeback since Lazarus he wouldn't spoil it all by giving her an utterly naff line like that to say. The Radio Times (which used to be run by adults) suspects other reasons.
Also in Doctor Who Magazine issue five hundred and ninety nine, Big Rusty promised that 'the supernatural,' as embodied by the all-powerful, physical-law-defying Toymaker in The Giggle, will be revisited in upcoming episodes. 'For my first time writing Doctor Who, this is an unashamedly supernatural character. That was built in to the original Toymaker. In the 1966 original, he turns people into dolls. He makes them dance on a dance floor. There's an invisible game. He's a magician. That is a whole new world for Doctor Who and that's a very big step the whole programme is about to take.' In an interview with IGN, Ncuti Gatwa teased the mythology which is ahead for his first full Doctor Who series. 'There is a whole bunch of mythology that Russell is bringing in, there's a whole pantheon full of different villains and lore and mythology that he's bringing into the show. [It's] just very exciting and very indicative of the new adventures we'll be going on in Doctor Who.' In the second sixtieth anniversary special, Wild Blue Yonder, The Doctor introduced the idea of superstition to the Not-Things by telling them they couldn't cross a line of salt. The Doctor worried about invoking a superstition at the edge of the universe, where the walls are thin and all things are possible. This was, perhaps, the reason given that the 2024 Doctor Who series will, reportedly, explore myth and the supernatural. In SFX magazine (Christ, is that rag still going?), both Ncuti Gatwa and Davies mentioned an actor on set playing The Boogeyman. And, they didn't mean KC & The Sunshine Band. Millie Gibson had this to say about the next Doctor Who series in 1883 magazine: 'I think the series, in my opinion, becomes very Black Mirror in a way. I think people will really love this new era.'
Speaking in an interview with The Times, Russell's successor (and, indeed, predecessor) as Doctor Who showrunner, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) said: 'If you write funny then you have to be in the present tense. I was writing studio sitcoms like Coupling, then Doctor Who came along. Suddenly, people were saying I write serious drama. What are you talking about? Even The Weeping Angels had two sitcom characters with funny names, Sally Sparrow and Kathy Nightingale. Russell writes like that, too. If there's a page without a joke in it, it feels wrong. If you take the comedy away, The Doctor is terrifying. This guy's running into the middle of every fight he can find and deciding who should win. People get one chance, then he exterminates their species.' Some fans - and, by 'some fans' the Radio Times (which used to be run by adults) who claim this provide no examples - have 'theorised' recently that Steven could be returning to guest write episodes during Davies's new era. While appearing on Newsnight last year, Steven was asked by presenter Kirsty Wark about whether he could return to the show in some form, to which he said: 'It's really very recent that I quit Doctor Who ... Look, I love, I absolutely adore Doctor Who, it's the most wonderful show. But it's in very safe hands with Russell.' So, that'd be an 'if Russell asks me, I'd be there like a shot', then!
And, given that a recent online poll of favourite Doctor Who stories contained six written by Steven (including all of the top four), that wouldn't be an entirely unwelcome prospect!
As we enter a new era of Doctor Who, we know that some spin-offs are on their way - and a report on the Production List website suggests that one of them will begin production very soon. An entry on the website suggests that a spin-off, entitled The War Between The Land & The Sea, will start shooting on 4 March. The series is specifically listed as a Doctor Who spin-off, produced by Phil Collinson and the entry states it will feature The Sea Devils. The monsters first appeared in the show in the 1972 story The Sea Devils and, most recently, returned in the 2022 special Legend Of The Sea Devils. You knew all that, yes? Russell previously confirmed that new spin-offs are on the horizon as Doctor Who enters its 'next stage' after the sixtieth anniversary. Speaking about why it was the right time for him to return to Doctor Who, Davies told GQ: 'I thought – with no criticism whatsoever towards the people who were running it at the time, because they were running it within the BBC's measures – it was time for the next stage for Doctor Who. I thought the streaming platforms are ready, the spin-offs are ready; I always believed in spin-offs when I was there. I did Torchwood as a spin-off, The Sarah Jane Adventures as a spin-off. Those spin-offs declined when I left and I can see why. And I very much left after 2008, when the money became scarce. I think that's fair enough for the public service broadcaster that the money is spent on other things.'
And, just before we move on to other things, let's have another picture of Millie Gibson eating chip. Can't get enough of those.
We return, briefly, to conclude the From The North Twelve Films Of Christmas list. In which yer actual watched twelve random (reasonably recent) movies on each wet and cold (and on that day, extremely windy) December afternoon cos he couldn't be bothered to do anything else. And, so you, dear blog reader, didn't have to. (Okay, technically, it was thirteen cos he watched Paddington II, but that was on TV so it doesn't really count). Number Twelve: Review in sixty words or less: 'The pinkest film ever made. Seriously, it's pinker than Pink Floyd's The Wall starring Bob Geldof as Pink. How much more pink could it be, dear blog reader? None more pink, that's how much. In fact, the only way it could be any more pink would be if they cast Samuel Anderson to recreate all of the various members of the Pink family he played and then they got Pink to do the music. But even then, it may still not be pink enough.
Which brings us to a new, semi-regular, From The North feature, Doctors & Cats: Number one.
Doctors & Cats: Number two.
Doctors & Cats: Number thee. Dunno bout anyone else, but this blogger reckons that's adorable.
Doctors & Cats: Number four. Please, do be advised that any and all references to 'an admiration for Jodie's pussy' will be ... well, sniggered at, briefly, in the short term. Cos, it's not entirely unfunny. But, longer term, very much disapproved of. You have been warned.
Doctors & Cats: Number five. Kitty magnet.
Doctors & Cats: Number six. You get a special bonus this one; not only a Doctor with a cat but, also, a Catweasel.
Doctors & Cats: Number seven. Here we have a surly, difficult, often uncontrollable creature that doesn't like to be handled. And a cat.
Doctors & Cats: Number eight: War Doctor, seriously hard cat.
Because, as this blogger's fiend Nick pointed out, it's all about the cat. In space, dear blog reader, no one can hear you miaow.
Doctors & Cats: Number nine: The 'ungrateful little swine' is behind you, Paul. Of course, technically, that's two Doctors and a cat if you count either Scream Of The Shalka or The Curse Of Fatal Death as canonical. If not (and there's no earthly reason why you should if you don't want to) then it's one Doctor and The Great Intelligence and a cat.
Doctors & Cats: Number ten. Nice hat, Peter.
Doctors & Cats: Number eleven. Wild stab in the dark, here but, does anyone else fancy a curry?
Doctors & Cats: Number twelve.
Doctors & Cats: Number thirteen.
Doctors & Cats: Number fourteen.
Doctor & Cats: Number fifteen.
Doctors & Cats: Number sixteen. Two for the price of one, there.
Usually, in the lead-up to Christmas, one tends to see lots of online articles (and, particularly, in the Gruniad Morning Star) full of Middle Class hippy Communists bewailing the abject horror of having to spend Christmas on their own (this was especially true in 2020 when, due to Covid, lots of people who didn't normally, for once, had to). The thing is, dear blog reader, for some of us that's every year. And, it's not a problem. This blogger lives alone, he has done since 1989 and Christmas Day is, consequently, just like any other day at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Keith Telly Topping is not bar-humbug about the whole thing, mind - normally the telly's quite good. But, to him, spending Christmas Day on ones own is no different to spending, say, 24 July alone, it's just another day. 2023, however, was different to most years. Because this blogger was invited to spend some time with family. To be fair, he gets similar invites most years but this time, for once, he actually said yes. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Thus, Christmas Day 2023 was be, for those taking notes, the first time since 2012 that Keith Telly Topping enjoyed any form of human company on 25 December. It was also the first time he had visited a relatives gaff on 25 December since, approximately, 2001. And, minor side point, it was also be the first time since 23 April 2005 (and the broadcast of World War Three) that this blogger didn't watch a new Doctor Who episodes live, on BBC1, in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. The last occasion, as it happens, occurred when this blogger was on a cruise around the Mediterranean. Fortunately, recording devices were invented for just such eventualities.
So this year, this blogger was in Cramlington (via Benton), with various dogs, listening to Wham. All things considered, Keith Telly Topping can confirm that he's had worse Christmas Days.
Christmas Dinner and Slade. How much more Christmassy could this be? None more Christmassy, dear blog reader, that's how much.
And it all ended, as he suspected it would, in something approaching a diabetic coma on Boxing Day.
So, a question for the collective From The North readership. Does eating lots of Strawberry Delights and Orange Cremes from one of those extra-large boxes of Quality Street®™ count towards ones five-a-day, dear blog readers? Asking for ... 'a fiend.'
You will all, of course, be delighted to know that this blogger got a lift home and arrive back at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House more or less exactly as The Church On Ruby Road was finishing. This blogger's recording device, thankfully, had worked so Keith Telly Topping was able to watch (and adore) the episode straight away - without falling asleep despite being full of Yorkshire pudding, cake, Prosecco and Bailey's - and then post a (somewhat belated) thread about it on his Facebook page. Because, for once, he actually had a social life. Stop sniggering at the back.
This blogger very much enjoyed the BBC's cheeky write-up for one of the Christmas Only Connect episodes: 'Previous contestants return - professional politicians, including a real, live Conservative MP (correct at the time of recording) face a team of activists.' Again, dear blog reader, this blogger's italics. Cos, these days, those lot seem to have the career-expectancy of the average Spinal Tap drummer.
New Year's Eve brought a very welcome showing (on From The North favourite Talking Pictures TV) of The Signalman. Not only, according to no lesser an authority than The Doctor, the best short story ever written (by Charles Dickens or, indeed, anyone else for that matter) but, also, the best A Ghost Story For Christmas. By a mile. And still bloody terrifying even all these years later.
Did you know, dear blog reader, League Two Halifax Town FC, of course, play their football at their home ground, The Shay (hence, their nickname, The Shayman. Sadly for their supporters, Halifax generally speaking are not eezer good, eezer good, eezer good or anything even remotely like it). However, on Sky Sports Soccer Saturday over the Christmas period, Simon Thomas described it - twice - as The Shay Stadium. Named, no about, after the famous Bolivian guerrilla leader, Shay Stadium? Shocked and stunned.
A geet rive-on in the street outside The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House used to be a fairly regular Saturday night occurrence but one which occurred between Christmas and New year was the first this blogger had heard in a while. There was lots of shouting and screaming and cussin' and kerfuffle, at least one smashed glass something-or-other and someone threatening to ring the police. Sure enough, quite soon The Bobbies' turned up to sort it all out and send these loud and naughty scallywags on their way with a jolly good clip around the ear (although, hopefully, not in a Hot Fuzz kind-of way; we really didn't need Judge Jury & Executioner over what appeared to be a minor, somewhat drunken, domestic incident).
Now, this blogger knows the following is very much a 'First World Problem' type scenario and he also knows that the situations in the Middle East, Iceland, Ukraine and Prague are so much more important in the great scheme of things. But, nevertheless, for a couple of nights it was doing this blogger's sodding crust in and he needs to vent about it. Storm Pia was, at that time, blowing mightily in a South Westerly directly across Northern Britain. As The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House is on a gable end on our block, it was getting the full brunt of the howling tempest on one wall of the house, the main result of which was that The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bedroom resembled Antarctica. That was okay though, that is what blankets and hot waters bottles are for, after all. But because the front door of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House is also on that particular wall which was getting all the buffeting, The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House door-knocker and letter box were both a-bangin' and a-rattlin' like a ... bangin' and rattlin' thing. And, it was really pissing me off because about every ninety seconds it sounded like someone was knocking at the door. This blogger knew that they were (almost certainly) not, of course, but it still caused him to jump each time it happened and, occasionally, if it was a particularly loud (quasi-)knock, he had to get up and have a look out of the window just to make sure that wasn't an actual knock from an actual person. It was annoying, it was exasperating and this blogger's back was starting to really bloody hurt big-style with all of that up-and-down nonsense. This blogger tried putting some gaffer tape on the inside of the knocker to muffle the thudding but that didn't work well or, indeed, for very long before it fell off and flew away.
So, this blogger has decided, dear blog reader, that his first - and probably only - resolution of 2024 is that he intends to become a grumpy old ignorant scrote. This is so that he can fit in comfortably with all of the bonehead numbskulls whom he encountered charging around Morrisons on the day after Boxing Day, crashing their shopping trollies (full of alcohol, mostly) into other people and then muttering, darkly, about 'funkin' stoopid old slits who can't get out of my funkin' way.' Keith Telly Topping reckons that's the club to be in these days.
This blogger is forced to say this here generated image is less 'what Keith Telly Topping would look like as a Viking', as claimed and more 'what Keith Telly Topping does look like, most days, when he has The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House heating off.'
And so, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, we come to that special part of From The North dedicated to this blogger's medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, malarkeys as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the One Hundred Years War, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into New Year 2022 feeling pure dead rotten; experienced an alarming five day in hospital; was discharged; received some B12 injections; then more of them; somewhat recovered his missing appetite; got an initial diagnosis; had a consultant's meeting; continued to suffer from fatigue and insomnia; endured a second endoscopy; had another consultation; got (unrelated) toothache; had an extraction; which then took ages to heal; had another consultation; spent a week where nothing remotely health-related occurred; received further B-12 injections; had an echocardiogram; was subject to more blood extractions; made another hospital visit; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor continue; received yet more blood tests; had a rearranged appointment; suffered his worst period yet with fatigue. Until the following week. And, then the week after that. Oh, the fatigue, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless fatigue. He had a go on the Blood-Letting Machine; got another sick note; had an assessment; was given his fourth COVID jab; got some surprising but welcome news about his assessment; had the results of his annual diabetes check-up; had another really bad week with the fatigue; followed by one with the sciatica; then one with the chronic insomnia; and, one with a plethora of general cold-related grottiness. Which continued over the 2022 Christmas period and into 2023. There was that whole 'slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side' thing; a period of painful night-time leg cramps; getting some new spectacles; returning to the East End pool; only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, out of it; felt genuinely wretched; experienced a nasty bout of gastroenteritis; had a visit from an occupational therapist; did the 'accidentally going out in my slippers' malarkey; saw the return of the dreaded insomnia and the dreaded return of the fatigue. Had the latest tri-monthly prickage; plus, yet more sleep disturbances; a further bout of day time retinology; a bout of exhaustion; picked up a cold virus in the week that he got his latest Covid and influenza inoculations; got through the entire Department Of Baths malarkey (and its sequel) whilst suffering from significant, on-going, back-pain. And, received the welcome news that his latest test for cancer of the colon had come back negative.
Things that yer actual Keith Telly Topping learned when having yet more blood drained from his poor, ailing, anaemic body down at the doctors shortly before Christmas. Number one: this blogger does, as previously suspected, have absolutely rubbish veins in both arms. But, the right one is, apparently, marginally better than the left in this regard. Next time the NHS Vampires need to restock their blood supplies from this blogger, he has been told that he should point them in the right direction (literally as well as metaphorically).
Number two: The reason for this particular visit to this blogger's medical professionals was some (slight) concern over certain chemical levels in his kidney functions. Possibly - though not definitely - caused by occasional dehydration (particularly at night). This blogger was told not to worry too much since the abnormal levels were only slightly higher than they should, ideally, be.
Number three: As Keith Telly Topping had previously suspected (and as, when you think about it, should be flaming self-evident), having blood drawn from you (even just one little test-tube full, like he had) makes one really tired and in need of a three hour afternoon snooze. After which this blogger woke up still feeling like a pin cushion and, one that'd just been slapped around the mush with a bowl of cold custard.
Number four: People with red hair like this blogger and with his particular pale skin pigmentation not only have a lower tolerance to pain than most others but also, generally, tend to bleed more profusely when suffering an injury (or, in this case, getting an injection). So, whenever someone says 'that Keith Telly Topping, he's a right sodding bleeder' they're not, actually, a million miles off the mark. Had this blogger known any of this previously, of course, he would have spent his entire life's work inventing the world's first working time machine so that he could go back along his ancestry timeline and introduce some of my forebears to people from different climates to spread the DNA gene-pool out a bit. It might've meant Keith Telly Topping got himself erased from history but, at least, it wouldn't knack like buggery every time someone sticks a needle in his arm.
Number five: The supermarket in Church Walk has moved since this blogger was last down at the Medical Centre several weeks ago. The new shop is quite a bit smaller than the old one but cleaner and much nicer to walk around at ones leisure after you have just suffered the death of a thousand pricks. And, the Post Office shop, more or less next door, which is the only place this blogger knows that still sells packets of KP Discos, had only but two packets left. So, Keith Telly Topping bought both of them. Just on the off-chance that they're the last packets of Discos on the planet. An unlikely possibility, he freely admits, but you can never be too careful.
Moving on swiftly, we come to the nominees for the From The North Headline Of The Week award. Starting with the Belfast Telegraph's NI Judge Hits Out At "Pseudo-Legal Nonsense" After Defendant Insists He Is A "Supreme Being".
Next, someone at the Metro seemed to be having fun on New Year's Day.
Not only that but, also, they've seemingly obtained definitive proof of the existence of The Afterlife in their ground-breaking story Woman Convinced She's Found Freddie Mercury Rocking Out In Her Spoon. Yes, dear, of course you have.
Meanwhile, My London had what was, clearly, the most important story of the last few weeks, bat none.
The Stoke Sentinel's OAP's Fury As Pothole So Huge Amazon Driver Falls In & Soaks Parcel is a classic example of Twenty First Century victim-blaming in concentrating more a wet parcel and less on the poor bloke who could've broken his sodding neck falling down a pothole whilst merely trying to do his job and deliver the damned thing. One trusts your mothers are all very proud of you.
Following that, Kent Online's Krispy Kreme Van Blocks Strawberry Vale Between Vale Road & Priory Road In Tonbridge is also worthy of consideration. You can't park there, mate.
Plus, of course, we couldn't even have a Headline Of The Week award in the first place without this beauty from that bastion of utterly brilliant journalistic excellence, Heat magazine.
Richard Franklin, who died on Christmas Day aged eighty seven, was an essential part of the popular, long-running BBC family SF drama Doctor Who during one of its most-loved periods, with Jon Pertwee as the third incarnation of the Time Lord. Franklin debuted in the 1971 serial Terror Of The Autons as the dashing Captain Mike Yates, bringing authenticity (he had served as a captain in the territorial army's Queen Victoria's Rifles), a natural military bearing and an appealing twinkle to the part. With The Doctor exiled to Earth and serving a scientific adviser to the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce, a regular line-up of supporting characters was needed. Yates was originally introduced as a possible love interest for The Doctor’s new companion Jo Grant (Katy Manning), but romance never quite blossomed. Instead he enjoyed some interesting character development, for example going undercover to infiltrate the highly suspicious Global Chemicals in 1973's memorable six-parter The Green Death, eventually betraying The Doctor in Invasion Of The Dinosaurs (1974), idealistically allying himself with a group of Middle Class hippy liberals trying to return Earth to a pre-technological golden age. Franklin always felt the character to be misguided rather than treacherous. In his last regular story, Planet Of The Spiders (1974), Yates achieved redemption when he stumbled across malignant intelligent arachnids infesting the Buddhist retreat where he had sought enlightenment. Franklin never severed ties with the show, and returned in the celebratory twentieth anniversary story The Five Doctors (1983) and a Children In Need 'special' (and, one uses that word quite wrongly), Dimensions In Time (1993). He also wrote, directed and appeared in a spin-off caper, Recall UNIT (1984), at the Edinburgh Fringe, wrote a novel featuring Yates called The Killing Stone (released as an audiobook in 2002 and retitled Operation HATE when published in print in 2013) and starred in audio productions for both Big Finish and the BBC (the latter teaming Yates with Tom Baker). Yates was not his only television success – in 1988 he joined Emmerdale Farm as the ruthless businessman Denis Rigg, who quickly developed into a hated villain before being given a suitably grisly demise a year later, gored to death by a bull. Richard Kimber Franklin was born in Marylebone the eldest son of Richard, a surgeon and his wife, Helen. He attended Westminster school before national service in the Royal Green Jackets. He subsequently studied history at Christ Church, Oxford and spent three years working in advertising. The illness and near death of his brother, Peter, prompted an epiphany and he applied to study at RADA, where he won the Jenny Laird prize for outstanding achievement playing a small part. After graduation in 1965 Franklin spent a number of years in repertory theatre as an actor and occasional director. In 1973 he was appointed director of East Riding youth theatre in Beverley and later became associate director of the Grand theatre, Swansea (1976) and the Renaissance Theatre, Cumbria (1977). He also directed drama students from Rada, Webber Douglas and Mountview and was a dogged campaigner for the support and survival of regional theatre. Aside from Doctor Who, Emmerdale Farm and a thirty six-episode stint in Crossroads (1969), his TV roles were relatively humble, though he had decent parts in Julian Doyle's films Chemical Wedding (2008) and Twilight Of The Gods (2013, as Richard Wagner) and added the Star Wars franchise to his SF roster with an appearance in the 2016 blockbuster Rogue One. His CV also included appearances in Dixon Of Dock Green (his TV debut in 1966), The Saint, The Doctors, Blake's 7, The Borgias, The Gambling Man, Heartbeat and The Hindsight Bias. At heart though, he was a man of the theatre: he was the Narrator in a European tour of The Rocky Horror Show (1990); understudied and occasionally played Arthur Kipps in the long-running West End production of The Woman In Black; was a prolific player of pantomime and a hard-working producer of his own work at the Edinburgh fringe, writing numerous plays over many years, often with satirical or political intent. He stood for parliament several times, first as an Independent (Twickenham, 1970) and later as a Liberal Democrat (Sheffield Brightside, 1992). By 1997 he had switched allegiance to the Referendum party (Hackney South and Shoreditch) and in 2001 he represented the UK Independence party in Hove. He later founded the short-lived Silent Majority party and outlined his political ideology in a 2003 book Forest Wisdom: Radical Reform Of Democracy & The Welfare State. A deeply religious man, his faith journey was similarly emblematic of his willingness to explore all options and he converted from Protestantism to Roman Catholicism late in life. He spent his last years as a resident of the Charterhouse almshouse in Central London, continuing to fulfil Doctor Who-related commitments until he was too ill to do so.
Glynis Johns, the TONY Award-winning stage and screen star who played the mother opposite Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins, has died aged one hundred. She died on Thursday at an assisted living home in Los Angeles of natural causes, according to her manager. Johns also introduced the world to the bittersweet 'Send in the Clowns' by the American composer and lyricist Stephen Sondheim, who wrote the song for her role as Desiree Armfeldt in A Little Night Music on Broadway, for which she won a TONY in 1973. Sondheim wrote the show's hit song to suit Johns' distinctive husky voice, but she lost the part in the 1977 film version to Elizabeth Taylor. 'I've had other songs written for me, but nothing like that,' Johns told the Associated Press in 1990. 'It's the greatest gift I've ever been given in the theatre.' In a statement, her manager, Mitch Clem, said: 'My heart is heavy today with the passing of my beloved client Glynis Johns. Glynis powered her way through life with intelligence, wit and a love for performance, affecting millions of lives.' He added: 'She entered my life early in my career and set a very high bar on how to navigate this industry with grace, class and truth. Your own truth. Her light shined very brightly for one hundred years. She had a wit that could stop you in your tracks powered by a heart that loved deeply and purely. Today is a sombre day for Hollywood. Not only do we mourn the passing of our dear Glynis, but we mourn the end of the golden age of Hollywood.' Johns was known to be a perfectionist about her profession and insisted the roles she took were multi-faceted. 'As far as I'm concerned, I'm not interested in playing the role on only one level,' she told the AP. 'The whole point of first-class acting is to make a reality of it. To be real. And I have to make sense of it in my own mind in order to be real.' Johns was nominated for an Oscar for her role in 1960 film The Sundowners and starred alongside Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor and Peter O’Toole in Under Milk Wood. She made a number of TV appearances, and starred in her own sitcom Glynis in 1963. Later on in her career, she played the role of the kooky and fragile grandmother in the 1995 romantic comedy While You Were Sleeping. She played the grandma again in her final role in the 1999 film Superstar, starring Molly Shannon.
David Soul, best known for his role in the television series Starsky & Hutch, has died at the age of eighty. His wife, Helen Snell said he died on Thursday 'after a valiant battle for life in the loving company of family. He shared many extraordinary gifts in the world as actor, singer, storyteller, creative artist and dear friend,' she said. 'His smile, laughter and passion for life will be remembered by the many whose lives he has touched.' The US-born actor was best known for his role as Detective Ken Hutchinson in the classic crime-solving series Starsky & Hutch. He starred opposite Paul Michael Glaser in the series, which ran from 1975 to 1979. He and Glaser reprised their roles in the (really bloody awful) 2004 big-screen remake, starring Ben Stiller as Starsky and Owen Wilson as Hutch. Soul was also known for his roles in Magnum Force, The Yellow Rose and the acclaimed TV adaptation of Stephen King's Salem's Lot. Having become based in the UK in the 1980s, he also appeared in several British television programmes including Holby City, Little Britain and Lewis. In 2004 he obtained British citizenship. But he turned down the chance and the lucrative pay cheque to appear on reality television shows, telling The Sunday Times: 'These days anybody is a celebrity and, frankly, there's nothing to celebrate.' The actor and singer, who was married five times, was arrested in the 1980s for attacking his then wife, Patti Carnel Sherman, who was seven months pregnant at the time. It was his first offence and charges against him were dropped after he completed a probationary diversion programme. Soul later spoke of his regret and visited prisons to talk to inmates about domestic violence. Born in Chicago in August 1943 as David Solberg, he spent his childhood between South Dakota and post-Second World War Berlin. His father Doctor Richard Solberg, a professor of history and political science and an ordained minister, moved them to West Germany where he was a religious affairs adviser to the US high commission. Before he found fame as an actor, Soul started his professional career as a folk singer, warming up audiences for acts like Frank Zappa, The Byrds, and The Lovin' Spoonful. He picked up an interest in music as a teenager in Mexico, where his father was a professor at a college for young diplomats. There, he was befriended by a group of radical students who gave him a guitar and taught him the indigenous songs of Mexico. Upon his return to the US, he found some success playing around Minneapolis - but it was only when he donned a mask and hid his face that his career really took off. As The Covered Man, he was signed by the William Morris Agency and appeared on the TV talk show circuit, including multiple appearances on the highly rated Merv Griffin Show. But when he decided to lose the mask and reveal himself, bookings dwindled and he turned to acting instead. Soul appeared in Star Trek, Here Come The Brides, Perry Mason and Johnny Got His Gun, throughout the 1960s and 1970s. He got his big break as officer John Davis in Clint Eastwood's Magnum Force, the sequel to Dirty Harry, which subsequently led to the role in Starsky & Hutch. Later, after the success of Starsky & Hutch, he returned to music, putting out four LPs of not entirely unappealing soft rock ballads in the late 1970s. They produced two UK number one singles, 'Silver Lady' (one of this blogger's genuine twenty four-carat guilty pleasures) and 'Don't Give Up On Us', snapped up by adoring fans of his TV persona. A New York Times review of his first post-fame concert in 1977 described 'camera‐wielding teenage girls charging the stage' amidst 'the flicker of hundreds of exploding flashcubes and a continual squealing.' The fervour ended after his arrest and rehab, after which he only recorded one further CD - 1997's self-released Leave a Light On. Soul was married five times, including to actresses Sherman, Mirriam Solberg, Karen Carlson and Julia Nickson and had six children. He met Snell while performing in Deathtrap, when she was doing public relations for the play and described her as his 'soulmate'.
Our ideas of the colours of the planets Neptune and Uranus have been wrong all this time, research led by UK astronomers reveals. Images from the Voyager II mission in the 1980s showed Neptune to be a rich blue and Uranus green. But a study has discovered that the two ice giants are actually both similar shades of a sort of pale greenish-blue. Turquoise, if you like. It has emerged that the earlier images of Neptune had been enhanced to show details of the planet's atmosphere, which altered its true colours. Just like Cyndi Lauper claimed. 'They did something that I think everyone on Instagram will have done at some time in their life, they tweaked the colours,' Professor Catherine Heymans, Astronomer Royal for Scotland and a University of Edinburgh astrophysics professor, told BBC Radio 4's Today. 'They accentuated the blue just to reveal the features that you can see in Neptune's atmosphere and that's why the image looks very blue, but in reality, Neptune is actually pretty similar to Uranus.' Astronomers have long known that most modern images of the two planets do not accurately reflect their true colours, according to Professor Patrick Irwin from the University of Oxford, who led the research. 'Even though the artificially saturated colour was known at the time amongst planetary scientists - and the images were released with captions explaining it - that distinction had become lost over time.' Doctor Robert Massey, deputy director of the Royal Astronomical Society, explained that enhancing images was normal procedure in astronomical research. 'You would be foolish to look at an astronomy image and not think it was enhanced. They have to be, because that is how they are processed in order to see things. It's not that there was any conspiracy to keep it from the public!' Or, is that just what they want us to believe, dear blog reader? Professor Irwin and his team processed the original data to produce what is claimed to be 'the most accurate representation yet' of the colour of both Neptune and Uranus. The initial misconception arose because images captured of both planets by NASA's Voyager II spacecraft recorded its images in three separate colours. The images were recombined to create the composite colour images, which were not always accurately balanced. The contrast was also strongly enhanced to bring out details in the clouds, bands and winds of the planets. In the recent study, the researchers used data from the Hubble Space Telescope Imaging Spectrograph and the Multi Unit Spectroscopic Explorer on the European Southern Observatory's Very Large Telescope. In both instruments, each pixel is a continuous spectrum of colours which enables the researchers to produce the true colours of both planets. The analysis revealed that Uranus and Neptune are a similar shade of greenish-blue, although researchers found a slight difference. Neptune has a hint of additional blue, which the model reveals to be because of a thinner haze layer on that planet. The study also showed that Uranus appears a little greener during its summer and winter, when one of its poles is pointed towards the Sun. But during spring and autumn, when the Sun is over the equator, it has a bluer tinge. The research has been published in the Monthly Notices of the RAS.
A venomous snake has been found 'lurking' (like a nasty lurking lurker) in public lavatory in Australia. Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! This blogger doesn't know about any of you lot, dear blog readers, but he's never going ... ever again. It doesn't matter how much he wants to. As this blogger pointed out to one of his dear Facebook fiends, Big Jim Stafford's 'I Don't Like Spiders & Snakes' really would be a far more appropriate anthem for them Aussies than 'Advance Australian Fair'.
Sad to report, dearest blog reader, that a long-forgotten part of this blogger's extremely shady TV past has popped up on YouTube again. Oh heavens, Keith Telly Topping thought he'd gotten the BBC to burn every last copy of that abomination. Well-nasty shirt, though, isn't it? I mean, isn't it?
And finally, dear blog reader. Did you know that on Saturday 13 February 1954 Edmundo Ros & His Caribbean Orchestra's classic calypso, 'Football, Football' c/w 'Cup Final' was released on a Decca Records seventy-eight (it was 'a thing' before MP3-streaming. Ask your grandparents). Of the numerous English football teams mentioned in the lyrics of the song, The Arsenal drew one-all with Cardiff City, this blogger's beloved Newcastle United beat Burnley three-one (with Ivor Broadis and Jackie Milburn on-target), Spurs lost two-nil at Manchester United (Ramsey and Ditchburn, sadly, being unable to prevent defeat), Blackpool ('the greatest team in Britain') thrashed Sunderland three-nil ('the great right-winger Matthews' setting up two for Allan Brown), West Bromwich Albion (who, it was claimed, were 'going places' and 'have some guys with the cutest faces') defeated Sheffield Wednesday four-two to remain at the top of the league ahead of Wolverhampton Wanderers who lost four-two at 'problem' Chelsea. Huddersfield Town won three-nil at Middlesbrough, Portsmouth thrashed Manchester City four-one, Bolton Wanderers lost two-nil at Preston North End, Charlton Athletic won three-two at Liverpool and Aston Villa's game with one of the few First Division sides not mentioned in the song, Sheffield United, was postponed due to a waterlogged pitch. 'Continue, my friends!'
Firstly, Dinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinner Rusty!
