tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238800852024-03-18T13:38:02.441+00:00From The North...The Blog Of Author, Journalist & Broadcaster Keith Telly Topping. <br>
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Brain The Size Of An Adidas Telstar®™ Allegedly.Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comBlogger2502125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-18399505501456666682024-03-02T21:34:00.007+00:002024-03-03T20:19:56.127+00:00Amazingly, Few Discothèques Provide Jukeboxes Or Pangrams (Add A Pound For Any Breakages)<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Ahoy-hoy, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, to the latest <i>From The North</i> update - a somewhat untypical one for reasons which will become clear later on in this latest collection of the random and varied dribblings from yer actual Keith Telly Topping's brain. We're kicking off with this blogger's own, somewhat ham-fisted, way of reminding all dear blog readers that we, all of us, are inhabitants of a single, somewhat insignificant planet. One of nine a single, somewhat insignificant solar system. Circling a single, somewhat insignificant star. On the outskirts of a single, somewhat insignificant galaxy. One of an estimated two <i>trillion</i> galaxies which (in the words of Eric Idle, probably) are part of 'an ever-expanding universe.' And yet, our single, somewhat insignificant, planet has one ething that, as far as we are currently aware, is unique in this ever-expanding universe. It contains <i>life</i>. Us. You may have noticed. (Of course, as Brian Cox or Neil DeGrasse Tyson or any other number of people <i>far</i> cleverer and more erudite and articulate than Keith Telly Topping will confirm, mathematically given that the universe is, as near as makes no difference, <i>infinite</i>, then the probability that somewhere out there, other forms of existence far more - and, indeed, probably far less - advanced than we are is extraordinarily high. But, no one has made a convincing argument that, as yet, we've actually found it. Or, that it has actually found us.) All of which is a long-winded way of say that <i>From The North</i> exists, in its own small way, to make a - small and insignificant - contribution to the sum-total of all of the works of literature, science and knowledge which constitutes the product of mankind's collective works. A terrifying thought, this blogger <i>is</i> aware. But, whilst he's in here with Shakespeare, Einstein, Da Vinci, Aristotle, Peter Cook, Nikola Tesla, Marie Curie, Martin Luther King, Smokey Robinson, Alan Turing, Dorthy L Sayers, Stephen Hawking, Bob Marley, Rene Descartes, Epicurus, Ada Lovelace, Chuck Berry, Joanna Lumley, Lise Meitner, Picasso, Simone De Beauvoir, Kenneth Wolstenholme and Paul Weller, he's <i>also</i> sharing shoulder-space with Hitler, Genghis Khan, Donald Trump, Jack The Ripper, Richard Nixon, Jeffrey Archer, Bill Oddie, Ivan The Terrible, Morrissey, Satan and <i>all</i> of the members of Toto Coelo. Makes you think, doesn't it? John Kennedy once, famously, <a href="https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/american-university-19630610">spoke</a> of that which unites humanity: 'In the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.' And then, somebody <i>shot</i> him. <i>C'est la vie</i>. Or, in his case, <i>Après l'accouchement, c'est la mort</i>. <i>Mai oui</i>. So, the reason this particular bloggerisationism update is beginning with that, genuinely wondrous and spine-tingling, 1968 Apollo 8 <i>Earthrise</i> image is as a - necessary - reminder of this simple truism; we <i>are</i> here and, until such times as we find a viable escape route, it's all we've got so we might as well make the best of it. NASA's <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-51491471"><i>Pale Blue Dot</i></a> photo, taken by Voyager II from a distance of four billion miles in 1990, reinforces the message; we're all in this together. If you're wondering, there <i>is</i> a sort-of rationale behind all this vaguely rambling hippy-dippy nonsense, dearest blog readers and we will definitely return to that later in this update.<br />
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Let us, therefore, begin this latest bloggerisationism with a question for all of the good people of Rochdale, Lancashire. And, the qestion is what <i>were</i> you thinking? What with <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-68443430">your recent by-erection</a> and all that strange malarkey. <br />
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There being a 'y' in the day, somewhat inevitably, this week has seen another outing from many of those truly ludicrous gammon-face keyboard-warriors who crawl out from under a rock from time-to-time proudly stating they are products of the 'Everything I Don't Like Is "<i>Woke</i>"' school. All of them getting a right Freddie Trueman-style 'it weren't like that in't <i>maaaa</i> day' chimney-on about something which, frankly, doesn't concern them in the slightest. And, whinging 'it's political correctness <i>gone mad</i>' about things whidch, in fact, aren't that or anything even remotely like it. Regular as clockwork, those guys. <br />
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The cause, this time around, was something of a storm in an egg cup; the BBFC - an organisation which this blogger has the upmost respect for - <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2024/feb/26/mary-poppins-uk-age-rating-raised-pg-discriminatory-language">reclassifying</a> <i>Mary Poppins</i> from a U certificate to a PG certificate. The reason for this is that it was recently pointed out to them the 1964 Disney classic includes two utterances of a, somewhat mild and certainly archaic but, nevertheless, still derogetary term for black people. <br />
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If you haven't been following this story, the reclassification affects only the cinema version of the film, with home entertainment versions still rated U, according to the BBFC. The word in question is 'Hottentot', a name used to described the Khoikhoi peoples of South Africa in the late Nineteenth Century by Dutch settlers, thought to imitate their language, which is now, rightly, considered offensive. It would later be used as a generic - and rather nasty - descriptor for all black peoples. And, bearing in mind that the individuals who coined the phrase in the first place were the direct ancestors of the people who thought that Apartheid was a good idea, then that's probably a good enough reason on its own to keep anything <i>they</i> came up with at arms length. Classifiers at the BBFC picked up on the term, used twice in the film by the character Admiral Boom (played by the late Reginald Owen) - firstly as a reference to people not seen onscreen, then later alluding to the film's child acotrs when their faces have been blackened by soot. This blogger will be completely honest with you all, dear blog reader, he only knew the word <i>at all</i> because it was used by Dame Edith Sitwell in a very famous 1887 poem, '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CLv8Ji_qpg">Hornpipe</a>' which he, many years ago, <a href="https://www.babelmatrix.org/works/en/Sitwell%2C_Edith-1887/Hornpipe">studied for English Lit O Level</a> and had no idea of its origin until this week. ('Queen Victoria sitting shocked upon the rocking horse/of a wave said to the Laureate, "This minx of course, is as sharp as any lynx/and blacker-deeper than the drinks/and quite as hot as any hottentot, without remorse/for the minx," said she, "And the drinks, you can see/are hot as any hottentot/and not the goods for me!"') And even then, he would have probably forgotten it except that Shakespeare's Sister used that portion of the poem as a spoken-word section in their 1994 hit single '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-odnJZIyc2g">I Don't Care</a>' which this blogger has always rather liked.<br />
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In a typically balanced and thoughtful analysis of the reclassification, this blogger's favourite film critic Mark Kermode, in the most recent episode of this blogger's favourite film podcast (<a href="https://www.kermodeandmayo.com/"><i>Kermode & Mayo's Take</i></a>) pointed out what should have been blindingly obvious to even the most brainless gammon-face <i>GB News</i>-watching, <i>Daily Scum Mail</i>-reading numbskull about to go off on one about 'political correctness <i>gone mad</i>.' (And, of course, as you can probably imagine, both of those odious scumbag organs of the media had something of a field-day with this particular story. See <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-13124527/Mary-Poppins-age-rating-lifted-U-PG-discriminatory-language-BBFC.html">here</a> and <a href="https://www.gbnews.com/news/mary-poppins-film-historian-reclassification-interesting-not-unusal">here</a>. Or, if you want to keep your blood-pressure under control, maybe <i>don't</i>.) Mark noted that the reason why the BBFC have done this is not because anyone has actually complained about <i>Mary Poppins</i> but in case anyone <i>does so in the future</i>. The BBFC <a href="https://www.bbfc.co.uk/release/mary-poppins-q29sbgvjdglvbjpwwc0ymzg1mju">website</a> now notes that the film includes some - not much, but some - discriminatory language (but not enough to take any it higher than a PG). As Mark points out, the change of rating is highly unlikely to stop any single person who wishes to watch <i>Mary Poppins</i> or to show it to their kids, from doing so. But, in the event that a professional offence-taker (and, sadly, there are just as many of those around as there are gammon-faced keyboard-warriors who believe 'everything I don't like is "<i>woke</i>"') does decide to try and make an issue out of the usage of That Word in future, the BBFC can now point to their website and say 'well, we <i>did</i> warn you.' <br />
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So, after all those shenanigans, in an effort to calm everybody down at this juncture, here is a picture of some fluffy kittens. Don't ever say this blogger doesn't try his very best to bring a little bit of peace and quiet to an often unpeaceful and jolly unquiet world. It's a dirty job, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, but someone['s got to do it. <br />
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There is a brief, but interesting, piece in the latest issue of <i>Variety</i> on <i>From The North</i> favourite The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE)'s forthcoming return to telly, <b>Douglas Is Cancelled</b> - starring Huge Bonneville and The Goddess That Is Karen Gillan. It's entitled <i>How Steven Moffat's <b>Douglas Is Cancelled</b> Tackles The 'Heated Topic' Of 'Cancel Culture' With Dark Humor [sic]: 'It's Almost Like A Sport'</i>. Which, should you so choose, you can have a gander at <a href="https://variety.com/2024/tv/global/douglas-is-cancelled-hugh-bonneville-steven-moffat-cancel-culture-1235885819/amp/">here</a>. It's probably worth a few moments of your time. <br />
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Meanwhile, The Lad Himself was recently spotted at a works reunion hanging out with a couple of former colleagues. Nice work if you can get it. <br />
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This month's issue of the <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Magazine</i> reveals that Amanda Brotchie and Makalla McPherson will both be directing upcoming episodes of the BBC's popular, long-running family SF drama. And, this news was then, somewhat inevitably, <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-season-15-directors-newsupdate/">repeated</a> in an 'article' (and this blogger uses that word <i>quite wrongly</i>) in the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults), written in that very typical 'here are a load of non-sequiturs thrown together at random because the author is being paid by-the-word' <i>Radio Times</i> way that we all and shudder at. <br />
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Which, as it happens, bring us nicely to our semi-regular <i>From The North</i> featurette, When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Thirty Four. 'Aged and toothless and bent old crone.' 'How'd you know me name?' 'We wish to engage you as ship's cook and concubine.' 'What's a concubine, then?' 'It's a small, spiky mammal.' 'Nah, that's a hedgehog!' 'In that case, we wish to engage you as ships cook and hedgehog.' <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Thirty Five. 'Gentlemen, count to ten and come out squirting.' <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Thirty Six. 'One day, we'll all look back on this and laugh.' More of them would've been there, it is rumoured, but Colin Baker had <i>eaten</i> them. Allegedly. <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Thirty Seven. This blogger not sure which of the many and various all creatures (both great and, indeed, small) that was living on The Sainted Patrick's chin at the time but, whatever it was, it's big and it's hairy and I be a'feared of it. And so, by the look on his mush, did Peter Davison.<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Thirty Eight. Okay, so exactly whose bright idea was it to photoshop these three chaps together? They look about as happy at the prospect as a slap in the kisser with a wet haddock.<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Thirty Nine. 'Hey, I know you. Aren't you that highly-respected character actor with a speciality of playing shouty Sergeant Majors?' 'Yes, I am. And, aren't you that radio comedian, "The Man Of A Thousand Voices ... all of them pretty much the same"?' 'Yeth.'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Forty. 'Two Scotsmen walk into a play ...'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Forty One. '<i>Belgium</i>‽'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Forty Two. 'So, you've <i>known</i> me, him, his son and his son's flatmate? Is there anyone you haven't <i>known</i>?' 'Yes, William Hartnell.' 'Oh, well, that's all right, he'll be up on that screen any minute, you can <i>know</i> him here.' <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Forty Three. 'We must act at once.' 'Good idea, Peter. You go first, I'll try to follow. Can't make any promises, mind, I'm not very good at that sort of thing.' <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Forty Four. 'I'd recognise that bottom anywhere ...'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Forty Five. So, just to repeat this one last time before hopefully, someone, somewhere updates it to include Ncuti (and Jo Martin for that matter). <br />
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According to the <i>Independent</i> (if not a source a shade more reliable), <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/adam-sandler-taylor-swift-the-beatles-b2505041.html"><i>Adam Sandler Says Taylor Swift Is As Big As The Be-Atles</i></a>. Hang on, last time someone claimed someone was 'bigger' than someone else and The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) were a part of the equation, didn't The Pope end up getting involved? Or did this blogger merely <i>dream</i> that? <br />
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On Sunday, for Us Dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, it was, clearly, time for Grilled Pork & Chestnut Mushrooms in Spring Onion & Hoisin Sauce with Apple, Lemon & Lime, Honey & Mixed Spices in Rice and soft noodles. Skill! <br />
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'Rice <i>and</i> noodles? I say, steady on' this blogger's good fiend Nick exclaimed, expressing how shocked - and stunned - he was at such a happenstance. 'Don't knock it till you've tried it,' this blogger replied before adding that, truthfully, the noodles had been prepared on a previous day for a different meal entirely and just needed using up which is why they were thrown in there. Yet, somehow, it worked. 'Call it a "fusion" and you're, instantly, Middle Class, yah?' Nick suggested. Which, actually, <i>is</i> a fair cop, guv. <br />
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Ooo, but yer actual Keith Telly Toping was pure-dead vexed on Tuesday, dearest bloggerisationism fiends. He was, in fact, <i>reet stroppy and discombobulated</i> in his considerable vexation and temper. He was aal of a kerfuffle, incandescent in his Goddamn righteous fury and he had his mad right up (as Keith Telly Topping's dad always used to say when <i>he</i> had cause to have <i>his</i> mad right up, which wasn't infrequently). Because, whilst preparing that particular day's Us Dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, this blogger accidentally dropped a small plate onto a larger plate and the larger plate promptly smashed into smithereens. Which was <i>particularly</i> annoying to this blogger. Firstly because it meant that The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House kitchen sink was full of nasty sharp fragments of glass (well, Pyrex, actually) that all needed to be gotten rid of - ideally without this blogger cutting his fingers to bloodied ribbons (which, you will hopefully be happy to learn, he managed). But, far more importantly, it was because that particular Pyrex dish had a great deal of sentimental value to this blogger, seeing as how it used to belong to his late mother. This blogger has had it since Mama Telly Topping died in 2013 and it was hardly new even <i>then</i>. So, yer actual was cross. <i>Very</i> cross. Enclosed is a picture of said Pyrex dish in somewhat happier times, containing what looks to have been a jolly tasty Beef & King Prawn Chow Mein which, this blogger guesses, he must've bought from the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2024/02/fakery-ruination-in-purple-with-queer.html">recently closed Royal Sky</a> takeaway. It <i>will</i> be missed (the Pyrex dish, that is, not the Chow Mein. Although, a decent argument could be made for <i>that</i> - and the place it came from - being sadly missed, too). This blogger can get another one (again, a Pyrex dish not a Chow Mein, although there <i>are</i> still one or two places round here that specifically cater for that sort of thing) similar-sized Pyrex dishes are available at Morrisons for but a fiver (and, he has to go there tomorrow to get the weekly shopping in). But, still, this blogger and that old dish, we'd been through a lot together. <br />
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This blogger, incidentally, is indebted to his excellent <i>Facebook</i> fiend Amanda who recognised said Pyrex dish as almost exactly identical to one she, herself has (and, to which she has a similar sentimental attachment). In fact, this blogger has a feeling it may have, originally, been a lid for a Pyrex cooking pot, it certainly looks very lid-like! This blogger's own attachment to <i>his</i> Pyrex dish began because that was always what he used whenever calling into his mam's gaff on the way home from work (so, therefore, she must've had it pre-2000 - probably for a decade, at least) and she would whip up some chunky chicken and rice or something similar for US Tea at The (Old) Stately Telly Topping Manor. Hence, this blogger nabbed it when she left us for his own personal usage. Ah well, them's the breaks. I mean, quite literally, in this case. <br />
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But, this blogger hears you all bellow, gruffy, at your laptop screens, smartphones and other Interweb-style receiving devices, 'Keith Telly Topping, what was <i>for</i> Us Dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House on that particular day, then?' Or, in other words, '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JKqdZf7Vf4">what's the recipe today, Jim</a>?' (one for all people of a certain age who used to listen to Radio 1 in the 1970s and cringe at the very memory, thereof). <br />
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This blogger shall, therefore, tell you dearest blog readers. It was Oyster & Spring Onion Chicken & Berlinki With Rice, Noodles, Mushrooms ... and lots of other stuff. And how does one make it, Keith Telly Topping? Well, one makes it exactly like <i>this</i>. Firstly, chop a large organic onion (or, non-organic onion if you're not particularly bothered about all that 'saving the planet' malarkey. This blogger feels it necessary to note that he is most definitely <i>not</i> a Middle Class hippy Communist <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> reader and only happened to buy a packet of organic onions because that was all his local supermarket had in when he was last shopping. It was most <i>not a lifestyle choice</i>). Also, one small shallot, one small (peeled) apple and three (peeled) chestnut mushrooms with a little salt and some olive oil and lightly fry in your frying pan until they are all turning golden brown, texture like sun. <br />
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When that is almost-but-not-quite completed, begin boiling some 'Boil In The Bag' Basmati Rice in water (with a large pinch of table salt added) for approximately twenty five minutes. <br />
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Whilst all of that malarkey is on-going, begin to prepare the main body of the meal (it was at <i>this</i> point, incidentally, that the much-loved Pyrex dish bought it, big-style and went to the great broken crockery factory in the sky for those taking notes; although, to be honest, that isn't really essential to the recipe, this blogger merely mentions is as scene setting ... and to convey, once again, how God-damned pissed-off he was by this right-shite state of affairs). Then, chop up one (or two if you prefer) <a href="https://www.morliny.co.uk/products/hot-dogs/">Classic Berlinki</a>'s - they're a sort a smoked sausage, like a cross between a hot dog and charizo, you get them in a packets of five and they're really rather tasty - and also some fresh chicken (you can use beef if you've got any, which this blogger did, but he went down the chicken route cos that was the sort of mood he was in at the time). Add to this, ground black pepper, a little olive oil, some sesame seeds, both flaked and ground coriander, a sprinkling of parsley flakes (or, again, if you're flash and you've got <i>actual green stuff</i> in yer fridge, that would do instead), a splash of light soy sauce, a sachet of Blue Dragon Oyster & Spring Onion stir fry sauce (lots of other kinds of cook-in sauces <i>are</i> available, but this blogger likes Blue Dragon because it tastes nice), a pinch of onion salt, two cloves of finely chopped garlic - you can, if you prefer use a couple of squirts from a tube of crushed garlic paste or, if you're like this blogger, use both of them just to ram home the point that this is supposed to be potent and <i>well-garlicky</i>). Further add, sprinklings of ground cumin, paprika, oregano and ginger (seriously, be careful with the gigner, too much and it can completely overpower <i>everything</i> else in the dish), one chopped red chilli - again, you can used ground chilli flakes if you prefer or, if you fancy being able to see <i>through time</i> when eating this, use both - a splash of lime juice, lemon (again, this blogger uses a tablespoon of lemon curd but lemon juice or, indeed, a couple of squeezes from an <i>actual</i> lemon will suffice depending on what's in your cupboard) and a spoonful of honey. Then, some mixed herbs, a couple of chopped springs onions, some chopped chives and, if like this blogger, you still have some left over from a previous meal, a handful of soft noodles lightly fried in oil. Take this blogger's fiend Nick's advice and call it 'fusion', <b>MasterChef</b> will love that the mostest, baby. Leave all of this to marinate in a sturdy pan like what this blogger has for about twenty minutes of so. <br />
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Once the onion, shallot, apple and mushrooms are golden brown (texture like sun) add them to the sturdy pan and its contents and start heating that - on a medium heat, stirring constantly using a wooden spoon (even if it's not a non-stick pan, the olive oil should make sure that it <i>doesn't</i> stick but you can't be too careful). Then, when the concoction reaches bubbling-point turn the heat right down, cover it with a lid and just leave that to simmer away gently for about another twenty minutes or thereabouts. By this time, the rice will be well-cooked and soft as a Cockney's knackers so, take that off the heat, drain and then place in a covered dish and let it settle whilst you're finishing off the main body of the meal. If you're cooking for four, that'll be yer whack, chum. But if, like Keith Telly Topping, you're a Billy No-Mates and are cooking just for yourself, then that'll not only Us Dinner, but also Us Tea, Us Supper and tomorrow's Us Dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. And all this, dearest blog fiends, because yer actual's local takeaway closed down and he was left with no option but to rediscover that he could, actually, survive and prosper without it. <br />
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Serve in a bowl. But, <i>not</i> the Pyrex one which had <i>a lot</i> of sentimental value to this blogger because, like a clumsy clot, he only went and smashed that one earlier and now he has to source a replacement for it. Yer actual <i>has</i> mentioned just how monumentally vexed he was about that, yes? Anyway, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, all of this was a public service announcement from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. With many ingredients. Yours The Galloping Gourmet. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping was, incidentally, shocked - and, indeed, <i>stunned</i> - to discover that <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graham_Kerr">The Godlike Graham Kerr</a> is still alive and kicking, at ninety. And, one hopes, still whipping up jolly tasty dishes and then inviting a good-looking lady in the audience to share it with him on his candlelit kitchen-set just like he used to back in the day on telly. Ah <i>another</i> 1970s flashback, there! <br />
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Thursday, for Us Dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, this blogger had a go - for the first time in a good long while - at making an old standard, Toad In The Hole With Geet Thick Lamb Gravy. The method is pure dead straightforward and anyone even with absolutely <i>no</i> cooking skills whatsoever can manage a half-way decent version of it or something approximating it; mix some flour (or, in this particular case cos this blogger is lazy, a packet of ASDA Yorkshire Pudding batter mix) into a bowl with three eggs, one hundred and fifty fluid milligrams of water and some salt, then whisk the ensuing gloopy mush for few minutes until it <i>stops</i> being a gloopy mush and begins to run reasonably smoothly, at which point add approximately one to two hundred fluid milligrams of milk, plus any desired additions (this blogger chopped up some chives, added ground black pepper, sesame seeds and a pinch of parsley flakes). Then put the, hopefully now-smooth, mixture into ones fridge for thirty minutes. (You can, if you're even lazier, use a blender as Keith Telly Topping often has in the past. But you have to be extremely careful with regard to adding the flour or batter mix in drabs and drabs rather than the whole lot at once, or you are likely to end up with a layer of that, then a layer of eggs, then a layer of water, <i>et cetera</i>. It's probably safer in the long run to hand-mix.) <br />
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Meanwhile, heat your Yorkshire Pudding tin with oil at two hundred and twenty degrees (or, gas mark seven if you're old-school) for fifteen minutes. Chop up a sausage and/or hot dog (Keith Telly Topping used a Berlinki because he already had a packet opened from the previous meal - see above). Add those into the hot oil and allow to sizzle for a minute before adding the batter mix and returning to the oven for twenty to twenty five minutes or until risen and golden brown (texture like sun). Mix Bisto gravy granules (this blogger prefers the lamb gravy variant but, to be honest, they're <i>all</i> lush) with hot water in a mug or - if you're dead flash (like wot this blogger is) a gravy boat that gets taken out of the cupboard maybe four times a year, maximum. Serve with any leftover meat that you happen to have hiding in the fridge that needs using up (this blogger had a bit of chicken so, that was ideal for the job in hand). You should, also, have at least a quarter of a bowl of batter mix left over, so stick that back in the fridge and then, for Us Tea and/or Us Supper at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House do yourself a couple of quick savoury pancakes; dead tasty with mushrooms or, indeed, anything else you fancy having on a savoury pancake. A tin of Heinz Spaghetti makes a <i>fine</i> accompanying topping, for example. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. <br />
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Meanwhile, things that yer actual Keith Telly Topping learned from the Interweb this week that he never knew previously. For the last Century we, in Britain, have been <i>assured</i> that Americans don't 'get' Yorkshire Pudding and wouldn't know what the funk to do with one if it was presented to them, on a plate, looking all fluffy and lovely with roast tetties, beef and veg. Then, this blogger <a href="https://www.youtube.com/shorts/z4VgWJLA7OU">found out about the existence of so-called 'Popovers'</a>, served in some (though, seemingly, not all) parts of the US, usually at Thanksgiving. Which is, basically <i>a sodding Yorkshire Pudding masquerading under a - punchable - alternate title</i>. 'Very similar to Yorkshire Puddings, popovers are an American favourite' <a href="https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/popovers">according to</a> the <i>BBC Good Food</i> website. 'Very similar'? They're <i>bloody identical</i>. It's a cover version in other words. A <i>note-for-note</i> cover version at that. A bit like David Parton's 1977 hit version of '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d88VCct43Ek">Isn't She Lovely</a>' that is, in essence, an identikit remake of Stevie Wonder's recording. Not bad. Not at all offensive or unlikable. But, by God, it doesn't half make you long to experience <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVvkjuEAwgU">the original</a>!<br />
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It was also wash-day at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House and, here, we can observe the debut of Dave, the new Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House DRI-Buddi®™, recently purchased online. Because yer actual Keith Telly Topping was getting a bit fed up with doing all of his washing and then having to wait for three days whilst his gear, bedding, towels and other assorted stuff that goes in Wally The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House washing machine dries itself on Clarence The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House clothes-horse. Let's see how long it is until the novelty of Dave's arrival wears off (probably the next Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House electricity bill, this blogger is guessing). To be fair, it does appear to be quite user-friendly and this blogger worked out how it operates reasonably quickly. This was really just a test run with quite a small wash (at that stage this blogger hadn't bought any plastic clothes hangers for the interior arms so he just had to drape stuff over them, but it still worked). The main problem Keith Telly Topping had, initially, was that he thought the timer was a heat control and couldn't work out why Dave kept shutting down after thirty minutes. Then, he re-read the instructions and said 'oh, <i>now</i> I get it!' And, as this blogger usually only does a fortnightly wash Dave's not going to get too regular a bashing anyway.<br />
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Since <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2024/02/fakery-ruination-in-purple-with-queer.html">last we blogged</a> here at <i>From The North</i>, dearest bloggerisatioinism fiends, a whole slew of people whom this blogger greatly admired - in a variety of different fields - have left us and gone to join the choir invisible. The actress <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2024/feb/23/bond-and-doctor-who-actor-pamela-salem-miss-moneypenny-dies-aged-80">Pamela Salem</a>, broadcasting legend <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2024/feb/14/steve-wright-obituary">Steve Wright</a>, TV chef <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2024/feb/29/dave-myers-obituary">Davey Myers</a>, one of this blogger's earliest cricketing heroes the great <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2024/feb/18/mike-procter-obituary">Mike Proctor</a>, Queens Park Rangers (and, briefly, England) icon, maverick and enigma <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/football/2024/feb/25/stan-bowles-obituary">Stan Bowles</a>, another gifted actor <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2024/feb/05/michael-jayston-obituary">Michael Jayston</a>, Wales and British Lion's fly-half and genius <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2024/feb/05/barry-john-obituary">Barry John</a>, MC5 guitarist <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/music/2024/feb/09/wayne-kramer-obituary">Wayne Kramer</a> and the last surviving member of the <b>Dad's Army</b> cast, the great <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2024/feb/05/ian-lavender-obituary">Ian Lavender</a>. All of them, in their own way, influential on a part of this blogger's life, likes and fancies. Space (and time) precludes a detailed obituary for each of them - although, all nine thoroughly deserve one - so, the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>'s efforts will have to do instead (links provided). But, yet again, a fortnight like this is a necessary remindee to all of us 'of a certain age' that the people we grew up watching, listening to and admiring on the sports field(s) are just as mortal, frail and human as we are (and, a few years older than us, too). <br />
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All of which leads us, with the inevitability of the inevitable, to this week's nominees for the <i>From The North</i> Headline(s) of The Week awards. Starting with the <i>BBC News</i> website and <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cambridgeshire-68446843.amp"><i>Cambridge Academic Escapes Toilet Using Eyeliner & Cotton</i></a>. <i>So</i> many questions present themselves. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKsAI7o7S0K-Ig-iswf_hhmJ8LPZr6ZIeoM2PzUIsqQ0Ska1GafS0Ag8yPgg1vJ_aDbv9bHpWNyIgh-w6fMQ4DF5QcXa1Oene8oc1ckvp1LVkJQqb98bfLR-Ps35ZgOg8SATTuuln7y9wuYm6CEN8Dhcow8EDssTj0dH58Yutpm0-smJg0QQ/s616/fanny%20fidler.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="536" data-original-width="616" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKsAI7o7S0K-Ig-iswf_hhmJ8LPZr6ZIeoM2PzUIsqQ0Ska1GafS0Ag8yPgg1vJ_aDbv9bHpWNyIgh-w6fMQ4DF5QcXa1Oene8oc1ckvp1LVkJQqb98bfLR-Ps35ZgOg8SATTuuln7y9wuYm6CEN8Dhcow8EDssTj0dH58Yutpm0-smJg0QQ/s320/fanny%20fidler.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Next, one from the <i>Daily Mirra</i>'s 'we couldn't be bothered to report any actually <i>news</i> today' pile, <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/mum-hysterics-after-noticing-x-23757802"><i>Mum In Hysterics After Noticing X-Rated Design On Sainsbury's Baby Pyjamas</i></a>. To be fair, though, it's almost certainly the only time you'll see a trio of three-syllable words in a tabloid headline. Well done, Paige Holland (Showbiz Audience Writer) and Christine Younan (Deputy Lifestyle Editor). One is sure your family and fiends are all jolly proud of you even being able to <i>spell</i> hysterics. <br />
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Then there's the sort of brilliant, incisive, cutting-edge, socially-concerned, award-winning journalism for which the Middle Class hippy Communists at the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> are, so rightly, acclaimed. No, sorry, what's the <i>opposite</i> of acclaimed? Ridiculed. Yes, that's the ticket. <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/picture/2024/mar/01/the-world-of-online-dating-the-stephen-collins-cartoon"><i>Get Your Claws Out: Online Dating For Cats</i></a>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZNgtLhJXwJEv50XCM_sWENpjmbaiTKyf8YeEvHXXJ2kjpsMom4vyooNKOk7XeHCzzRxN0qRoNtHH0pwzoqfiJBrQoakMry06llZJTURb49-je27lwnIcSZdMUlq_2LYkKQLT8QGqMwDUiFVIgFdg74Rb0Y-bz9Ma1ujZ98Vy81fp8Xu0WDQ/s545/you%20have%20to%20be%20shitting%20me.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="393" data-original-width="545" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZNgtLhJXwJEv50XCM_sWENpjmbaiTKyf8YeEvHXXJ2kjpsMom4vyooNKOk7XeHCzzRxN0qRoNtHH0pwzoqfiJBrQoakMry06llZJTURb49-je27lwnIcSZdMUlq_2LYkKQLT8QGqMwDUiFVIgFdg74Rb0Y-bz9Ma1ujZ98Vy81fp8Xu0WDQ/s320/you%20have%20to%20be%20shitting%20me.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Top marks go to the <i>Bristol Post</i> for the potentially Earth-shattering importance of <a href="https://www.bristolpost.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/mum-finds-oven-chip-big-9131769"><i>Mum Finds Oven Chip So Big It Has Scared Her Children</i></a>. This blogger believes it's the sub-heading, <i>I just pulled it out of the bag and I saw everyone's faces like 'woah'</i> that makes it <i>art</i>. And, if your faces are currently, like, 'woah', dear blog reader then, clearly, you feel the same as the mum in Bristol's kids did. <br />
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Next, a first ever entry from <i>Burnham-on-Sea.com</i> who have arrived, as t'were, with a bang. Or, with a rusty clang, anyway. <a href="https://www.burnham-on-sea.com/news/burnham-on-sea-coastguards-say-ordnance-find-on-beach-turned-out-to-be-a-dustbin-lid/"><i>Burnham Coastguards Say 'Ordnance' Found On Beach Was, In Fact, A Harmless Bin Lid</i></a>. That's a debut cracker if ever there was one. <br />
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Meanwhile, <i>Whitehaven News</i> informs us that <a href="https://www.whitehavennews.co.uk/news/24145441.alien-figure-making-rude-gesture-haven-artisan-window-causes-stir/"><i>Alien Figure Making Rude Gesture In Haven Artisan Window Causes A Stir</i></a>. 'A stir' in Whitehaven, dear blog reader. Truly, <i>that</i> must've been a sight to see.<br />
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But the clear winner, by a Humberside mile, comes from the <i>Swanage News</i>. <a href="https://www.swanage.news/happy-hour-again-as-house-martins-get-new-nests-in-purbeck/"><i>Happy Hour Again As House Martins Get New Nests In Purbeck</i></a>. Where the haircuts smile, clearly. <br />
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From that, dear blog readers, to a beauty from the 'you only had <i>one job</i>' column. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvVL5Lcr0-QWjtHECczChl0SywOHDkqNedFzv8l92SNOl9PdUpVfWS68ssejcsFcrKsnhusqq2XNRoyby1pqR8NeAx1s3PFFN7-3jFtk_n3b-ZIkDmEOFgElLCGS5k_s_gPI8qHNLhjqf5G6GfMRl9n2qPynLBPbyHi2Eiw-R2zmsY5af52Q/s796/429666778_434494632473402_7747123178447190723_n.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="796" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvVL5Lcr0-QWjtHECczChl0SywOHDkqNedFzv8l92SNOl9PdUpVfWS68ssejcsFcrKsnhusqq2XNRoyby1pqR8NeAx1s3PFFN7-3jFtk_n3b-ZIkDmEOFgElLCGS5k_s_gPI8qHNLhjqf5G6GfMRl9n2qPynLBPbyHi2Eiw-R2zmsY5af52Q/s320/429666778_434494632473402_7747123178447190723_n.jpg" /></a></div>
And finally, we end more-or-less where we began. This is an important and vitally up-to-date map showing <i>From The North</i>'s entire global reach since records began. The fact that <i>From The North</i> (with its eclectic range of subject matter with only occasional relevance to anyone other than its author) gets <i>any</i> traffic at all - much less the four-to-five thousand daily pages-views which it regularly attracts - is a source of constant surprise to this blogger. So, <i>this</i> amount of worldwide coverage is genuinely not bad, all things considered. But, there are, clearly, still a few areas of the globe where some improvement could be achieved. <br />
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For example, we've had no contact whatsoever from anyone in Greenland. Come on, guys, this blogger <i>is</i> aware that it's bloody freezing cold up there but, surely you've got wireless access by now? Nothing, either, from Liechtenstein. Now that is <i>seriously</i> poor - this blog has even had two visits from The Vatican City for goodness sake and they're <i>even smaller than you are</i>. What's the problem? And, the same goes for, you, San Marino. Also, nothing from Cyprus. Nowhere <i>near</i> good enough - if your Mediterranean near-neighbours in Malta can find us, surely <i>you</i> can, too? Nothing from The Falkland Islands. Didn't we <i>fight a war</i> for you? Time to show some gratitude, possibly? Not one single hit from the British Overseas Territory of Saint Helena, Ascension and Tristan da Cunha. We're <i>on the same side</i>, people, <i>we've</i> got to put up with The King, just like you have. Nothing from Madeira. This blogger has been there on holiday. <i>Twice</i>. Nothing from large chunks of West and Central Africa (Mauritania, Gambia, Guinea-Bissau, Sierra Leone, Niger, Togo, São Tomé & Príncipe, Chad, Sudan, Eritrea, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Zaire, Rwanda, Burundi, Mozambique, Djibouti, <i>et cetera</i>). Listen, this blogger once bought a 'Cancel Third World Debt' tee-shirt (some of you guys may have even <i>made</i> it) so, do him a favour in return, eh? Just one little visit to the site. Not even so much as a single, solitary <i>sniff</i> from Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan. Attention, former comrades, if some people in <i>Kazakhstan</i> can manage to figure out the website address, <i>you</i> should be able to. If in doubt, just do a <i>Google</i> search. And, nothing from Bhutan either - who, despite sitting around being happy and chanting '<i>Om</i>' all day, <i>do</i> have Internet access. This blogger <i>has</i> checked. If <i>From The North</i> can manage to have a regular visitor from the British Virgin Islands, then the inhabitants of all of these countries have <i>no</i> excuses for missing out on all of the 'inform, educate and entertain' malarkey that this blog provides on an irregular basis (especially considering how difficult it is to even <i>find</i> a British virgin these days). <br />
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There is also, perhaps unsurprisingly, no record of anyone from North Korea managing to access us; which, this blogger feels is a shame. Mind you, several other countries with, it is claimed (by <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/advisor/vpn/worst-countries-for-web-freedom">the <i>Independent</i></a> if not anyone more reliable), similarly highly restrictive access to the Interweb beyond their own borders for its citizens contain a least a handful of semi-regular <i>From The North</i> visitors (China, Syria, Iran, Russia) which, this blogger would suggest. proves that <i>nothing</i> is impossible. Except the twenty one things mentioned in the book <a href="https://www.worldscientific.com/worldscibooks/10.1142/12248#t=aboutBook"><i>Twenty One Impossible Things</i></a>, obviously. Twenty two if you include this blogger's beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Magpies actually winning a trophy any time before this blogger dies. <br />
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Then, there's the whole fiasco that is Oceania. Just what the blinking-flip is <i>going on down there</i>, guys? Nowt from Samoa (American <i>or</i> non-American for that matter), Palau, Papua New Guinea, Tonga, Vanuatu, Tuvalu, Kiribati, Narau, the Cook Islands, Niue or Pitcairn (this blogger knows there's only forty seven of you but you <i>do</i> have a government website). Nothing from either Christmas or Easter Islands (and, if there was a Bank Holiday Monday Island we'd've probably had nothing from <i>them</i>, either). And, despite <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/liechtenstein-micronesia-chad.html">frequent previous requests</a>, not a sausage from The Federated States of Micronesia. Any of them. Just <i>one</i> little visit from someone in Yap, that's all Keith Telly Topping is waiting for. Is <i>that</i> too much to ask? This blogger has been told that the trick is to keep banging the rocks together and, then, take it from there. As for the entire continent of Antarctica ... <i>shame on you</i>. Leave them penguins alone and get trawling the Interweb, you <i>know</i> you want to. It's, at least, something for you all to do during the endless nights. <br />
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An aggressive advertising campaign in those particular territories is, clearly, necessary. So, <i>here</i> it is. If this doesn't have The Peoples Of The World flocking in here like a ... you know, big ... flocking thing, then <i>nothing</i> will. <br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-7413143161741068822024-02-21T19:38:00.005+00:002024-02-22T07:44:04.345+00:00Fakery & Ruination In Purple With A Queer Ending (Don't Call Me Scarf Face)<div style="text-align: justify;">
Welcome, you all are, dearest bloggerisationism readers and all good fiends of the blog, to the latest <i>From The North</i> update from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, the first, as it happens, since <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2024/02/trampled-underfoot.html">the start of February</a>. <br />
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During which time Spring has, as it were, seemingly sprung - at least on one dismal piece of muddy waste-ground close to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House it has. Elsewhere? This blogger wouldn't know about that as he seldom ventures beyond the drum without good reason. <br />
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Let us, therefore, kick-off this latest <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update with a heartfelt confession from this very blogger. 'Keith Telly Topping promises not to celebrate utterly meaningless milestones related to this blog and to the <i>thirteen million</i> page hits total that it has recently passed (mostly from people who've wandered in here by accident in search of p*rn, no doubt).' Cross his heart and hope to diet, dear bloggerisationism fiends. <br />
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This blogger is, additionally, not sure which aspect of this malarkey is, truly, the saddest; the number of hits that Keith Telly Topping's utterly pointless drivel has collected over the last fifteen years, the fact that someone (ie. <i>this blogger</i>) actually <i>counts</i> the funkers or (and this is the one which this blogger is currently leaning towards the mostest, baby) the fact that he spent about five minutes of his valuable time sitting in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House one wet Sunday afternoon <i>watching</i> for the <i>From The North</i> page-hit counter to tick over from 12,999,998 to 12,999,999 to 13,000,000 to 13.000,001. This blogger's life in a nutshell, ladies, gentlemen and fiends, all. Empty doesn't even <i>begin</i> to describe it.<br />
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One again, the third weekend in February was <i>that</i> weekend of the year where three quarters of the fiends that this blogger has on planet Earth were all in Los Angeles for the annual Gallifrey ONE convention. And this blogger, again, was <i>not.</i> Keith Telly Topping, therefore, of course hopes that all of you lot who <i>were</i> there had a most splendid and excellent time imaginable (he said through gritted teeth). And that everyone got back home to their various corners of the globe with, hopefully, absolutely no tales whatsoever of drunken escapades, behind-the-scenes shenanigans, unwise (though entirely gossip-worthy) sexual liaisons between parties you'd never believe had it in them or other assorted malarkey involving whom-snorted-what at a party in West Hollywood. You know, all of the usual sort of stuff that absolutely <i>never</i> goes on at these type of events. Oh no, <i>very</i> hot water. This blogger was with you all in spirit as he sat here in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House in the middle of a Tyneside February. Freezing. <br />
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Meanwhile a further series of photos have been released covering some of the forthcoming highlights of from next series of <b>Doctor Who</b>. To which this blogger feels in necessary to note, yet again, that it's <i>still</i> the wrong Gretsch! Mind you, Isaac Newton didn't discover 'mavity' either so, you know, there's usually a easy explanation for all manner of doings in the <b>Doctor Who</b>niverse.<br />
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We've also seen a series of on-location images from the following series, which is currently in production and scheduled for broadcast in 2025 appearing. Like this one featuring yer actual Ncuti Gatwa his very self.<br />
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And, this one, with Ncuti and Varada Sethu and the TARDIS.<br />
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And, this one featuring Anita Dobson. And, some other people. Including one wearing a daft hat. <br />
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Speaking to <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by <i>adults</i>) at the Covers Party 2024, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-steven-moffat-ncuti-gatwa-exclusive-newsupdate/">revealed</a> what he was most excited to see from Ncuti Gatwa's first series in the role of The Doctor. 'I think Ncuti is going to be [an] amazing Doctor, he's going to be different,' said Steven. 'But I've already seen this, I think we all have in <i>The Giggle</i>, that he's got all the command and all the presence of a classic Doctor, plus a whole funky new thing that's going on. And that's what we need.' He continued: 'Because, the funky new thing's great, but what you've really got to have is, "I'm the guy who gives the orders." And the thing I particularly like from <i>The Giggle</i> is when he orders David Tennant out of the TARDIS. He says, "Beat it, kid" and <i>that's</i> great. He's going to be a <i>magnificent</i> Doctor. And twenty years from now, people will be complaining that he's not still in the show.' When posed the inevitable question about whether fans could expect Steven himself to return to the franchise that he graced for nearly ten years, Steven said: 'Look at my ageing face. How can I fit in? And I know, because I've seen the feedback, that people think I'm being evasive on the subject. We've got Russell there. We've got a bunch of new writers there. We've got Ncuti there. It's <i>all</i> good.' <br />
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Matt Smith is certainly a jolly busy chap at the moment. There have been a whole series of focus-pieces on Smudger in various organs of the media over the last couple of weeks; for instance, take a lengthy interview covering <b>Doctor Who</b>, <b>The Crown</b>, <b>House Of The Dragon</b> and much more with the <i>Observer</i>'s Rachel Cocke, which you can check out <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2024/feb/04/matt-smith-an-enemy-of-the-people-thomas-ostermeier-doctor-who-the-crown-house-of-the-dragon-interview?">here</a>; there's a piece with the BBC's Yasmin Rufo on his current stage-role in what appears to be a rather radical adaptation Ibsen's <i>Enemy Of The People</i>, <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-68356766">here</a>; also, an <a href="https://deadline.com/2024/02/matt-smith-the-crown-doctor-who-ncuti-gatwa-1235817575/">interview</a> in <i>Deadline</i> (in which he said some very nice things about Ncuti Gatwa) and a cheerful interview with Laura Kunessberg (almost certainly the first time you've seen the words' cheerful' and 'Kunessberg' in the same sentence for a <i>long</i> time), on 'if he'd return to <b>Doctor Who</b> and being Prince Harry's "grandad"', which you can have a gander at, <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/av/entertainment-arts-68330645">here</a>. <br />
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Smudger's immediate predecessor in the TARDIS, that there national heartthrob David Tennant, has also been making headlines recently. Whether it was an utterly <i>nothing</i> piece in <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by <i>adults</i>) about how 'geeky' he is (seriously, dear blog readers, <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/david-tennant-doctor-who-geeky-newsupdate/">trees</a> were <i>wasted</i> to bring you this nonsense) or wearing a kilt when presenting the BAFTAs (<a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/david-tennant-bafta-2024-monologue-b2498367.html">this</a>, constitutes 'news', apparently. At least, it does in the <i>Independent</i>). There has also been the recent release of <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a46853726/doctor-who-david-tennant-deleted-script-scene/">a previously unknown deleted scene</a> from <i>Silence In The Library</i> featuring Ten and Cat Tate which, for some reason, the BBC have only just decided to make available now. <br />
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Which brings us, nicely, to ... <br />
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This blogger recently concluded his annual 'complete <b>Department S</b> rewatch marathon' (as <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">previously covered in some depth</a> on this blog. the last time he did it). Just to remind himself what jolly good fun spending a long weekend with Peter Wyngarde, Joel Fabiani and Rosemary Nichols and their outrageous shenanigans can be. 'Are you a professional, Mister King?' 'No, merely a naturally-gifted amateur!'<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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That quickly followed this blogger's first <i>almost</i> complete rewatch of <b>Hammer House Of Mystery & Suspense</b> in 'kin years. Absolute 'kin years. <br />
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Of course, there is one large crossover point between those two; by a significant margin, the best episode of the latter anthology series was Dennis Spooner's <i>And The Walls Came Tumbling Down</i> starring the Godlike Mister Wyngarde at his nostril-flaring best as the main villain in what was, ultimately, one of his last great TV roles. <br />
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This blog's favourite TV channel, Talking Pictures TV, recently started a repeat showing of <b>The Brothers</b> which reminded this blogger of when the popular BBC Sunday night avarice soap was previously shown on UK Gold back in this 1990s. And, this blogger's mate Abie asked him to tape it for him (yes, this <i>was</i> still in the days of videotape, dear blog reader - if you're a youngling, look it up on the Interweb). Because he's a Gabrielle Drake completist (I mean, hey, aren't we <i>all</i>?) 'I think she's only in the first series,' Abie added, helpfully. This blogger - whose mum had been a big fan and regular viewer of the drama back in the 1970s - remembered things somewhat differently; that her character, Jill, starts off as David Hammond's girlfriend in a few episodes of the first series, then disappears. Later, she returns, marries him and then, dies - off-screen - in a car-crash between series. What can this blogger say, dear blog reader? Memories of her spending much of one episode in a black leotard helped him through some difficult early-teenage years. So Keith Telly Topping replied: 'No, I think she's in two series at least, possibly three.' Of course, it turns out she was in the first <i>four</i> series and, by the time she <i>did</i> get written out, this blogger had been taping the damn thing for a few months and Abie said 'well, Colin Baker's in it by this point. And Kate O'Mara and Mike Pratt are due to turn up soon so you might as well keep going to the finish!' Which Keith Telly Topping did, dear blog reader. Because he's a good fiend when he wants to be <i>and</i>, actually, he was rather enjoying watching it himself. <br />
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However, it had never even occurred to this blogger previously to check the date of Gabrielle's departure. The final episode of the fourth series of <b>The Brothers</b> was broadcast on BBC1 on 8 December 1974 with the fifth series starting in April 1975, presumably meaning it would've gone into production around January. That, suddenly, made the reason for Gabrielle's sudden and unexpected exit from the series blindingly obvious. Her beloved brother, the singer-songwriter Nick Drake, died on 25 November 1974 from an overdose on antidepressants. Given this horrific family tragedy it's, therefore, hardly surprising that returning to her role in a TV drama wasn't, perhaps, the first thing on his sister's mind at the time. Checking her career CV, it's noticeable that there's a - completely understandable - eighteen month gap from last-1974 before Gabrielle next appeared in <i>anything</i> on TV (an episode of <b>Thriller</b> called <i>Kill Two Birds</i> broadcast in May 1976). This blogger can't think why he didn't put two and two together sooner. <br />
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Incidentally, dear blog reader, did you know - and you probably did - that <b>The Brothers</b> was not only hugely popular in Britain the mid-1970s but was, also, <i>massive</i> in The Netherlands, where it was broadcast under the title <b>The Hammonds</b>? This resulted in one of the least-likely TV/music spin-offs of all-time, a Christmas LP recorded by the cast called <a href="https://www.discogs.com/release/6305850-The-Hammonds-Christmas-With-The-Hammonds"><i>Christmas With The Hammonds</i></a>, produced by the Dutch TV host Willem Duys. It reached number twenty two in the Dutch Top Fifty in December 1976. Which, may seem cruel and unusual on the part of the UK to dump such crap on our Dutch neighbours who'd done nothing to deserve it with hindsight. But, frankly, given that the UK number one single at that time was '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZEPIpTpoPs">Mississippi</a>' by Pussycat, this blogger reckons we were just getting our own back. This blogger's never actually heard <i>Christmas With The Hammonds</i> personally, but he is assured by someone he knows who has that it is every single bit as funking <i>appalling</i> as you'd imagine it to be. Which is a relief, frankly, because if been told it was even halfway decent, Keith Telly Topping would have been genuinely <i>disgusted</i>. <br />
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Over Christmas, this blogger was horrified to learn of the death of one of his long-time <i>Facebook</i> fiends, Matt Dale. Matt was an accomplished author and podcaster who covered the <b>Quantum Leap</b> franchise closely. His book <i>Beyond The Mirror Image</i> is one of the most detailed and exhaustive volumes looking at the original <b>Quantum Leap</b> 1989 to 1993 series. Matt was also active in the <b>Quantum Leap</b> podcasting space, spending time dissecting the production, its themes and storylines. Matt was an advocate and fan of the franchise as a whole, from the original series to the current ongoing revival. 'He was a dear friend and a long time, ultimate <b>Quantum Leap</b> fan. Matt wrote <i>Beyond The Mirror Image: The Observers Guide To Quantum Leap</i>. He was head of the <i>Quantum Leap Podcast</i> and author of the best books on the original <b>Quantum Leap</b> series and soon-to-come book three, based on the new <b>Quantum Leap</b> series,' producer Deborah Pratt wrote on <i>Instagram</i>. 'We lost him on Christmas Day. He left his partner Sharon and his son, seven-year-old Zack behind. Matt was forty three. There's an ancient Egyptian saying, "We died twice in this life. Once when we pass from our physical bodies and a second time when people stop saying our name." Help me keep the legend.' The <b>Quantum Leap</b> episode <i>The Outsider</i>, broadcast on 13 February in the US, ended with an on-screen dedication to 'our friend' Matt Dale which, this blogger is sure, Matt himself would have been thrilled about. <br />
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This blogger was recently listening to an old episode of the (fabulous) <i>Word In Your Ear</i> podcast where David Hepworth came up with what, Keith Telly Topping believes, may well be the finest and most apt description for the reason why the Internet was (intellectually) created: 'It's so that middle-aged men can have the illusion of them feeling that they've had the last word on any subject!' <br />
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Sony Pictures Entertainment, Sam Mendes and Neal Street Productions have <a href="https://www.thebeatles.com/sam-mendes-neal-street-productions-make-landmark-beatles-biopic-project-sony-pictures-entertainment">announced</a> an allegedly 'ground-breaking creative endeavor [sic]' to tell the story of The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) with <i>four</i> (count 'em) theatrical feature films. The project marks the first time Apple Corps Ltd and The Be-Atles their very selves - Sir Paul McCartney (MBE), Sir Ringo Starr (MBE) and the estates of the late George Harrison (MBE) and John Lennon (MBE, returned) - have granted full life story and music rights for a scripted film. As conceived by Mendes, who will direct, the four theatrical feature films - one from each band member's point-of-view - will 'intersect to tell the astonishing story of the greatest band in history.' So, in that case, one will be sour, cynical, bitter and (allegedly) violent, one will be hippy-dippy mystic and way over most people's heads, one will be a bit lightweight and passive-aggressive, although extremely watchable and the Ringo one might, actually, be quite good. SPE will finance and distribute worldwide 'with full theatrical windows' in 2027. Or, to put in it a slightly less up-its-own-arse-with-corporate-bullshit-speak way, they'll be in cinemas in three years time (if they're finished by then). The 'dating cadence' of the films, the details of which will be shared closer to release, will be 'innovative and ground-breaking.' It says here. Some Middle Class hippy Communist prick of no importance at the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> even reckons he's the one to tell them <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2024/feb/21/sam-mendes-cast-beatles-movies">who they should be casting</a>. Mendes will produce alongside his Neal Street Productions partners Pippa Harris and Julie Pastor. Jeff Jones will executive produce for Apple Corps. 'I'm honoured to be telling the story of the greatest rock band of all time and excited to challenge the notion of what constitutes a trip to the movies,' said Mendes. 'We intend this to be a uniquely thrilling and epic cinematic experience: four films, told from four different perspectives which tell a single story about the most celebrated band of all time,' said Pippa Harris. 'To have The Be-Atles' and Apple Corps' blessing to do this is an immense privilege. From our first meeting with Tom Rothman and Elizabeth Gabler, it was clear that they shared both our passion and ambition for this project and we can't think of a more perfect home than Sony Pictures.' 'Apple Corps is delighted to collaborate with Sam, Pippa and Julie to explore each Be-Atle's unique story and to bring them together in a suitably captivating and innovative way,' said Jones. 'Sony Pictures' enthusiastic support, championing the project's scope and creative vision from the start, has been invaluable for all of us.' Or, alternatively, you could just wait for Mark Lewisohn to get <a href="https://www.marklewisohn.net/volume-2/">his next volume of <i>Tune In</i></a> onto the shelves (I know, I know, we've been waiting <i>eleven funking years</i> for it already but, hope springs eternal) and then <i>read the book</i> instead. Unless we all die in the interim, obviously. <i>That's</i> what this blogger, likely, will be doing. <br />
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Which, of course, brings us to our semi-regular <i>From The North</i> feature When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number eleven. 'I'd like to accept this award on behalf of all the others who didn't turn up. And, on behalf of m'colleague, who is only here in a purely physical sense on account of all the product he may or may not have shovelled up his snitch in the toilets beforehand. I couldn't possibly comment.' <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twelve. Now, <i>there's</i> something you don't see every day, three Doctors <i>and</i> the missus.<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number thirteen. 'Look, this is <i>legitimate theatre</i>, take it seriously, will you!' <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number fourteen. Dunno about anybody else, but this blogger normally can't stand family get-togethers.<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number fifteen. 'Speak up, young man. I lost my hearing in The War.'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number sixteen. 'Now, I like Christopher Eccleston. And, I like Matt Smith. But, which one is best? There's only one way to sort this out ... <i>FIGHT</i>!!!'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number seventeen. God, dear bloggerisationism readers, Crosby, Stills & Nash are certainly showing their age these days, are they not? <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number eighteen. 'Free to those that can afford it, very expensive to those that can't!'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number nineteen. <i>Aww</i>.<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twenty. 'Oh, dad-in-law! Not in front of all the nice fans ...'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twenty one. 'So then, right, Jon turned around and they were <i>all</i> wearing eyepatches!' <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twenty two. 'Unhand me, Madam.'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twenty three. 'You lookin' at me?'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twenty tour. 'I thought you were <i>great</i> in <i>The Curse Of Fatal Death</i>.' 'So did some Welsh fellow, apparently. Odd chap.'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twenty five. ... with a fiend (or, two if you count the Dalek).<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twenty six. Good film, that.<br />
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When David Tennants Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twenty seven.<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twenty eight. 'Yes, yes, very good both of you. But, lose the beards, eh.' <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number twenty nine. The live-action remake of <b>Crystal Tipps & Alistair</b> was <i>not</i> considered a success.<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number thirty. <i>Five Doctors In Tea Scandal (Pictures)</i>. How Slyv can manage to hang on to that cup when a hamster has, clearly, just run up his trouser leg, is a question perhaps best left for another day.<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number thirty one. Well, it's definitely nice to see that they are <i>still</i> getting good use out of the Tom Baker waxwork, seemingly. <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number thirty two. 'Let's assemble a cabinet.'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number thirty three. The final of the <i>Which Doctor Can Nut A Coke Can Till It Begs For Mercy</i> competition had entered the two hundred and fifty sixth hour and showed no signs of ending any time soon. <br />
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<a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/business-68239980?fbclid=IwAR3sy-GMuJtjOL2fLXSsGsD_s42meGIDVVUf3lUsnKUZjg2niUl3V4sq8U8">Nestlé axes classic Breakaway bar after fifty four years</a> according to a screamed headline on the <i>BBC News</i> website. This! Will! Not! Stand! This blogger should, of course, point out there are still plenty available in the shops for the time being - he himself bought two six-packs yesterday on his way back home from town. But, they won't last forever and, when they're gone, they're gone. <br />
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Taste, bloggerisaitonism fiends. You've either got it or, you know, you <i>haven't</i> got it. That there Young Martin Freeman, dear blog readers, <i>he's</i> got it. Those five LPs on display are a pretty useful critical summation of Martin's freely acknowledged tastes, let it be noted. This blogger is aware, from interviews, that he is an '<i>uge</i> fan of The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them), a massive Motown fan (he even did a rather good documentary for the BBC in 2009 where he got to go out to Detroit and hang out at Hitsville), a major fan (and a close personal fiend) of The Goddamn Modfather his very self (he even got The Weller Fellah a cameo in the final episode of <b>Sherlock</b>), an old Mod and a Two-Tone fanatic. Which, let's face it, is a pretty good start to <i>anyone's</i> record collection if you've got <i>those</i> five bases covered. <br />
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So, dear blog reader, <i>this</i> was a <i>very</i> sad evening. Saturday 10 February was the last night of The Royal Sky before it closed its doors. It will be <i>sorely</i> missed. Particularly, by this when blogger when he fancies beef chow mein. Or chicken curry. Or cha sui with Chinese mushrooms. Or salt and chilli king prawns with yung-chow fried rice. Or gravy and chips for that matter. You get the general idea. <br />
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'You'll have to go back to making your own, Keith,' Our Maureen Telly Topping noted. True, that. Well, there's <i>is</i> another takeaway a little bit further away along Welbeck Road which is still just about within limping distance of The Stately Telly Topping Manor (they do particularly good chips there, as it happens). And then, of course, there is another one in Waalsend (which delivers) and they're quite nice too. The only downside with the latter is that, as previously mentioned on this very blog, the flat above the takeaway is the gaff where The Dreadful Odious Horrorshow that is <i>Sting</i> was born. And, therefore, everything this blogger eats from there, no matter how good it is, he usually gets indigestion as a consequence. You win some, dear blog readers, you lose some. <br />
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But still, when you find a really good local takeaway and for, whatever reason, they cease operation (as it happens, in this case the family that has run it for the last ten years are retiring) then it's a sad day for all concerned. The place <i>will </i>be taken over by someone else, eventually, since the family only rented the gaff. But, whenever someone new takes over an eating establishment that you like, you're never quite sure what you're going to get. Fingers crossed, the new management may be okay. The same place has, already, undergone one change of ownership about a decade ago and it retained its identity then (in fact, the chicken that the owners-before-the-present used in their chicken curry pissed all over the current version. Big, '<i>uge</i> thick chunks, so they were ... Ah, happy days!) <br />
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So, of course, what's a chap to do in such circumstances? Well, firstly, have his first meal out in town in a couple of months with his fine fiend Young Malcolm Hunter at the Little Asia. And <i>very</i> tasty it was too. Chicken and sweetcorn soup with prawn crackers to kick-off whilst we discussed the latest output from Talking Pictures TV.<br />
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Then, sesame prawn toast with sweet and sour sauce as we focused on what's being broadcast on ITV4 in the afternoons, these days. <br />
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And then, king prawn and mushroom curry with egg-fried rice and a nice glass of iced water as we moved on to favourite British horror movies of the 1960s and 70s. Followed by coffee and a productive discussion about the career of Mike Pratt, the role of Lew Grade in the history of The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) and the British B-movie <i>oeuvre</i> in general.<br />
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Of course, inevitably, this blogger had to prove to his fiends and relatives that he could, actually, survive when deprived of his regular takeaway habit and that he's not a complete duck-egg when it comes to actually preparing something worth eating. So, dear blog readers, that'll be lamb garlic tikka masala with basmati rice, apple, shallots, Chinese mushrooms, lemon, lime and honey and mixed spices for Us Dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House on Saturday, then? If anyone is interested in the recipe, first one cooks the lamb (about forty minutes or thereabouts at two hundred degrees); then, when cooked, allow it to rest on a plate. Boil some rice (twenty to twenty five minutes) whilst chopping a shallot (or an onion if you prefer) and half-an-apple and then shallow fry both in a frying pan until they are golden brown (texture like sun). Then, chop up the meat and place in a pan, add some garlic paste and then (now golden brown, texture like sun) onion and apple, your sauce of choice, the mushrooms, one teaspoon of lime juice, one teaspoon of lemon (this blogger uses lemon curd but you <i>can</i> use lemon juice or even an <i>actual</i> lemon if you're <i>really</i> flash), one spoon of honey, some ground black peppercorn, a sprinkling of paprika, some chopped parsley (again, this blogger uses dried flakes but, if you've actual got <i>green stuff</i> in your fridge, ooo get <i>you</i>, sexy), coriander (same), a splash of soy sauce and a pinch of salt (onion salt granules recommended). Allow to marinate for about twenty minutes whilst the rice is boiling. Then heat - it should take about ten to fifteen minutes, stirring continuously. Drain the rice. Serve. You should get a good three portions at least (maybe four). This is just to prove, of course, that this blogger does have <i>some</i> capabilities, contrary to popular belief. <br />
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On Monday for Us Dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, it was sweet chilli stir-fry chicken and charizo with mushrooms and apple. Similar recipe to Saturday's for those taking notes (hi, Kelly!); except this time, this blogger had run out of shallots so it was just an ordinary onion instead. Similarly, he used Morrisons sliced mushrooms rather than whole Chinese mushrooms and, also, there was the addition of a charizo which he found lurking, all naked and afraid, at the back of the fridge. But, the rest of the prep was more-or-less the same; lime juice, lemon, honey, soy sauce, ground black pepper, paprika, garlic paste, parsley, coriander <i>et cetera</i>. Also, this time, he added a pinch of turmeric and a tiny bit of ginger powder to give it a smidgen of a kick (that usually goes well with charizo, Keith Telly Topping has found). Basmati rice, some salt and Bob's yer Auntie's live-in lover, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, <i>another</i> Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House recipe triumph.<br />
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As the legend that was Desmond Dekker once said, '<i>me git up de mah-nin, slavin' fa breksa, so dat ev'ry mouse can be fed, wo-ah, oh-oh, me ears are alight</i>.' Or, on Tuesday morning, in Keith Telly Topping's case, '<i>me git up in de mah-nin, do me shopping at Morrisons and then have me breksa</i>.' Which was a <i>necessary</i> difference one feels, Des me auld cock sparra.<br />
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And then, with the inevitability of the inevitable, we come to Wednesday's Today For Us Dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House malarkey. And, this blogger was thinking something along the lines of garlic and king prawns in spring onion and oyster sauce with chestnut mushrooms, apple, lemon, lime and chives and all the usual herbs and spices. It was <i>large</i>, dearest bloggerisationism fiends. <br />
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Keith Telly Topping let it be noted, is quite partial to a nice lamb chop. And, it would seem, he's not along on that score. Of course, according to the laws of Karma which he vocally advocated for many, many years, George, therefore, should've come back as a sheep. In which case, happy birthday for 25 February, Flossie.<br />
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After all, when all is said and done, whom amongst us <i>doesn't</i> enjoy a nice tasty portion of <i>hot minge</i>? This blogger knows that he, certainly, does. Nowt better, in fact. <br />
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And finally, dear blog readers, let's have the <i>From The North</i> Headline of The Week award which, this time around, goes to the <i>Metro</i> (so, not a <i>real</i> newspaper) for <a href="https://metro.co.uk/2024/02/20/kilt-wearing-pervert-shoves-antiques-bum-texas-20316860/"><i>Kilt-Wearing Pervert Caught Shoving Antique Items Up His Bum</i></a>. <br />
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Although, that said, the <i>News Shopper</i> deserves an honourable mentionette for <i><a href="https://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/24131602.dartford-postbox-painted-like-creme-egg-criminal-damage-spree/">Dartford Postbox Painted Like Crème Egg In Criminal Damage' Spree</a></i>. If only for the accompanying photo. You've got to admit, he (or <i>she</i>, if it's a lady-girl paint-wielding hooligan) has certainly got the colour-scheme <i>spot on</i>. <br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-49083567147231922492024-02-01T06:59:00.003+00:002024-02-03T17:28:21.561+00:00Trampled Underfoot<div style="text-align: justify;">
And, on <i>this</i> bombshell, dear blog readers ... <br />
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Let us kick-off this latest <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationism update, the first in almost a month, with a genuinely important question upon which all of us really need to ponder. When one is a parent and is buying a <b>Doctor Who</b> DVD in, let's say for the sake of argument, the United States of America, which aspect of the production does one suppose should be most concerning in the contents warning provided on the sleeve? Is it 'Mild Science' or 'Fiction Violence'? It's tricky one, frankly, is it not? This blogger could go either way on that score. <br />
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Well, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, since last <i>From The North</i> was upon y'all (on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2024/01/this-is-not-temporary-place-holder.html">5 January</a>) the major <b>Doctor Who</b> news had been the <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/doctor-who-companion-millie-gibson-31924485">casting of a new companion</a>, Varada Seethu, to work alongside Ncuti Gatwa in his second series, currently in production and to be broadcast in 2025. This, of course, immediately led to a rush of crass speculation about the reasons for Millie Gibson apparently leaving the production (not that it has yet been confirmed that she, actually, <i>has</i>). And, as usual with crass speculation, most of it was ill-informed or based on suspiciously 'real people don't talk like <i>that</i>' quotes from alleged (though curiously anonymous) 'insiders'. Take, <a href="https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/entertainment/a46472918/has-millie-gibson-dropped-from-doctor-who/">this one</a> for example. Or, <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/doctor-who-millie-gibson-leaving-bbc-b2482499.html">this one</a>. Or, <a href="https://metro.co.uk/2024/01/20/millie-gibson-dropped-doctor-one-series-20145210/">this one</a>. Most extraordinary of all, dear blog reader, was some abject prick of no importance of <i>You Tube</i> posting a video with the truly delightful title <i>Woke <b>Doctor Who</b> DISASTER Gets WORSE. Companion LEAVES SHOW, Black Gay <b>Doctor Who</b> Not Diverse Enough</i>. This blogger has absolutely no intention of providing a link to it, dear blog readers. If you wish to seek it out for yourselves then you have the title, it should be easy enough to find. But, be warned, you <i>will</i> need a shower to wash all of the verbal diarrhoea out of your life afterwards. A tip, mate, describing a loathing of the casting of a couple of non-white actors in a TV show as 'woke' isn't, actually that or anything even remotely like it. Rather, it's sick, venal, completely unabashed <i>racism</i> and you probably want to have a good hard look at your own life in that case. And, maybe, do something useful about it. Like, I dunno, die from cancer of the arsehole, perhaps. Or maybe something a shade more constructive. Just a suggestion. <br />
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Or, to put it another, slightly less <i>nuanced</i> way. <br />
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In fact, the announcement of Varada's casting seemed to bring out some real unexpected harsh nastiness and hand-flapping even in people whom this blogger thought were relatively sensible most of the time. A whole bunch of such dudes on the Interweb, for instance, where busy whinging about the timing of the announcement, blaming Russell (and/or - mostly <i>and</i> - the BBC Press Department) for 'throwing Millie under a bus' and declaring they did not intend to be be watching the forthcoming series (when we all know there is more chance of Hell freezing over than them <i>not</i> watching every single minute of it and then commenting on it, at length, on the Interweb afterwards) since there was, now, 'no point.' Of course, few of these people seemed to have put two-and-two together and worked out the most glaringly obvious and necessary reason why the announcement was made when it was; that within days of the announcement, location filming for one of the 2025 episodes was due to be taking place and, as with <i>all</i> <b>Doctor Who</b> location shoots, it would be attended by lots of fans with cameras at the ready who would then be uploading their on-location photos to a website somewhere near you with captions like 'who's this running along the street with Nucti? That doesn't look like Millie Gibson to me.' You hardly need to be a funking genius to work <i>that</i> out. And, indeed, that's <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a46500619/doctor-who-filming-varada-sethu/">exactly what happened</a>. <br />
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In fact, dear blog reader, it was left to - and, this blogger is every bit as shocked <i>and</i> stunned as you lot probably are by this - someone at the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults ... and, seemingly, there are still one or two in the building) to <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/millie-gibson-doctor-who-future-comment/">talk a vague bit of common sense</a>; in a comment piece entitled <i>Millie Gibson's Future On <b>Doctor Who</b> Is Still Very Bright</i>. 'Millie Gibson has not been "dropped" or "axed" - actually, the opposite as she'll still be in season fifteen, just in a smaller role.' <br />
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Anyway, <i>From The North</i>'s own 'comment piece' on this malarkey is the following: Welcome, Varada, to the wacky, madcap world of <b>Doctor Who</b> and its own, unique, wacky, madcap fandom. Sorry that your first couple of weeks in the job have been somewhat shat-upon by crass and ill-informed speculation (and, more than a bit of ignorant hate-speech. We're not <i>all</i> like that, honest). Thanks Millie for everything you've done so far and may do in the future. You were great in <i>The Church On Ruby Road</i> and this blogger is very much looking forward to watching you and Ncuti in eight forthcoming episodes this year, at least a couple next year and any that you do thereafter. To fandom in general - please, do one (or several) of the following; calm the funk down, shut the funk up, chill the funk out and, you know, breathe normal. It's <i>only</i> a TV show. And, to anyone who has stumbled in here, probably with their knuckles scraping along the ground, who think that the casting of a black man and an Asian woman in <b>Doctor Who</b> does not fit in with your own, curious, worldview then, please, I say this with <i>all</i> due respect, get yourself a new mind. Less closed. More <i>embiggened</i>. Because, the one that you currently have appears to be narrow. And full of <i>shit</i>. <br />
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Meanwhile, <a href="https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1860901/Doctor-Who-Anita-Dobson-Mandip-Gill-Instagram-spoilers">according to</a> the <i>Daily Scum Express</i> (which some people describe as a 'newspaper', something this blogger reckons might be <i>a bit</i> of stretch), '<b>Doctor Who</b> fans were left "delulu" about a character's return after Madip [sic] Gill posted a selfie with Anita Dobson.' Madip Gill, in fact, does not exist though, Mandip Gill, former companion to Jodie's Doctor, in fact, <i>does</i>. And she did, indeed, post just such a photo. Which you can see, here. It's jolly nice. As to what 'delulu' means (it's not a word, dear blog reader and, believe this blogger, he <i>has</i> checked), perhaps we'd best leave that for another day. <br />
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If you're interested, there was a rather bland, paint-by-numbers <b>Doctor Who</b> piece in the <i>New York Times</i> which you can have a gander at <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/29/arts/television/dr-who-new-doctor-ncuti-gatwa.html">here</a> if you're of a mind to. It <i>does</i> contain the following, however, which kind of makes the entire exercise worthwhile: 'Gatwa's Doctor truly feels like a <b>Doctor Who</b> for the Twenty First Century and a fitting follow-up to Tennant's Doctor. The Fifteenth is stylish and liberated, with a vibe that is sensual and unbuttoned; he's a Doctor who seems much more at home than the others in his body. He is chipper but not frivolous and he is capable of depth that isn't limited to darkness. At one point in the episode, the Fifteenth Doctor cries - full, drip-down-the-face tears - over the abduction of someone he just met and how that abduction has hardened those implicated in the loss. Gatwa's Doctor shows a great deal of humanity, which isn't always a given for the character, who often understands humans intellectually but closes himself off to a more comprehensive human experience.' Yes. <i>That</i>. <br />
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'So, tell me Fluff, have <i>you</i> got dedication?' 'Not 'alf, Roy mate. It's what you need.' <br />
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Earlier this week, dear blog reader, this blogger filled in one of those interminable online questionnaires. You know the sort of thing which turn up in ones email in-box with alarming regularity. However, he was completely stumped by one particular question in this latest offering. Why is it, do you reckon, that they <i>always</i> seem to miss off Keith Telly Topping's own particular favourite in this category, Imperial Leather®™? <br />
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Picking up exactly where we left off last time around (which, you know, seems appropriate), here's <i>From The North</i>'s semi-regular feature Doctors & Cats: Number seventeen. Oh no, it's that vicious, snarling, bad-tempered beast again. And a cat. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number eighteen. Beautiful cat, shame about the episode, though. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number nineteen. <br />
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Doctors & (<b>Blue Peter</b>) Cats: Number twenty. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number twenty one. I know, it's <i>ginger </i>- what were the chances?<br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number twenty two. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Doctors & Cats: Number twenty three. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number twenty four (for everyone who accepts <i>The Curse Of Fatal Death</i> as canon). <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number twenty five (another one for all you lucky people who, rightly, accept <i>The Curse Of Fatal Death</i> as canon). Purr-fect. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number twenty six. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number twenty seven. 'The original, you might say ...' (Unless you're Chris Chibnall in which case, yeah, not so much.) <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number twenty eight. Another one for all <i>The Curse Of Fatal Death</i> massive. 'This is <i>not</i> cat, Mrs Miggins, this is finest leather-trimmed ermine with gold medallion accessories.' 'Oh go on, Mister Blackadder, it's <i>cat</i>. Oh look, they've left the little collars on!' <br />
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Doctor & Cats: Number twenty nine. Once again dear bloggerisationism fiends, references to Jodie's 'lush, strokable puss' should, you know, kept to yourselves, if you'd be ever so kind. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number thirty. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number thirty one. Do we reckon, round his area, old Mad Tom is referred to as 'the crazy cat bloke'? <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number thirty two. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number thirty three. Here we have a Doctor (and a couple of his fiends) <i>wearing</i> several. <br />
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And so we reach the end of a road well-travelled, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, with Doctors & Cats: number thirty four. And, okay, technically, this <i>is</i> a Doctor with two piglets and a sheep but, this blogger is sure there's a cat out there, somewhere in the vast and staggering Yorkshire landscape. (Seriously, you'd think in two thousand eight hundred and forty nine bastard episodes[*] of <b>All Bastard Creatures Bastard Great & Bastard Small</b>, there'd be <i>one</i> picture of Peter Davison with a sickly pussy in his hands, wouldn't you? But, no ... ) [*] An approximate number. <br />
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With all the cats now out of the way we must, therefore, start a new, semi-regular, <i>From The North</i> feature, which this blogger likes to call When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number one. It's bigger on the inside, apparently. <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number two. Here, we have a glimpse of the final of the 1982 edition of the annual 'which Doctor has the nastiest sleeveless pullover competition?' Won by a Mister Davison of London with his truly <i>vile</i> entry. One which Mister Troughton, of London, simply couldn't match. <b>Breakfast Time</b> viewers were advised <i>not</i> to adjust their sets. <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number three. 'So, tell me sonny, what be you want to be when you grow up?' '<i>You</i>!'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number four. Mister Pertwee and Mister Troughton, seen here arriving for tea and cakes with their good fiend, The Man With The Stick from <b>Vic Reeves' Big Night Out</b>. And, what do we say when we see The Man With The Stick, dear bloggerisationism fiends? <br />
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That's right, we say ... <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number five. Oh, so <i>that</i>'s how they did the regeneration sequence. Now it all makes perfect sense.<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number six. 'Look, I don't care if it <i>is</i> for charrrideee, mate, I am <i>not</i> wearing the hat. With <i>this</i> luxuriant bouffant? Don't be ridiculous.' <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number seven. One of these <i>might</i> be an Auton, admittedly. <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number eight. Two Doctors (and several of their fiends) seen here modelling the 'what the casual criminal-about-town of 1948 will, most likely, be wearing' line. <i>Dig</i> the trenchcoat, baby. <br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number nine. 'Relax, Jodie, if you think the script for <i>this one</i> is bad, wait till you get to series three. Chibnall will be running-on-empty by then.'<br />
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When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number ten. 'It's big and it's hairy and I be a'feared of it.' <br />
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This blogger will say only but one things for his very self, dearest bloggerisationism readers - when he decides that it's his responsibility to redo Apple's job for them, he does it <i>properly</i> and no mistake.<br />
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'Scum I was to that Beak. Nothing but scum. Tis for my accent and my situation that I am condemned. Tis for the want of better graces and the influence they bring that I am to board this prison hulk.' ' ... and for all them murders you done.' <br />
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Any road up me deario bloggerisationism fiends, one morning last week went something like this for yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self. No, in fact, it went <i>exactly</i> like this for yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self. Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Bed. Bathroom. Kitchen. Stairs. Walk. Bus. Walk. Medical Centre. Stabbed with <i>really</i> big needle. Heron's. Walk. Post Office. Walk. Bus. Walk. Bank. Poundland. Marks & Spankers. Brunch (see attached for details of the tasty scran involved). Walk. Bus. Walk. The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. And then, somewhat inevitably, given all the walking, bed <i>again</i>. 'Life is a circle with no end or beginning' as Burt Bacharach and Hal David once noted. They certainly knew what they were talking about, them kiddies. <br />
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And so, dearest blog readers, we come to that special part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's horribly on-going medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there continue to be several of them. For those dear blog fiends who haven't been following this epic adventure, over two years in the making, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 and into the New Year of 2022 <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">feeling pure dead <i>rotten</i></a>, so he did; experienced an alarming five day <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received some <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more of them</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; continued to suffer from <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured a (second) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">endoscopy</a>; had <i>another</i> <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which then took <i>ages</i> to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where nothing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">remotely health-related occurred</a>; received further <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; was subject to more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; received yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">blood tests</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a>; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And then, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after <i>that</i></a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">fatigue</a>. He then had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sick note</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some surprising-but-welcome <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of general <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the 2022 Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into 2023</a>. There was that whole '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; a period of painful night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg and foot cramps</a>; getting some new <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">spectacles</a>; returning to the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">East End pool</a>; only to discover that he remained as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>; felt genuinely <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">wretched</a>; experienced a nasty bout of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">gastroenteritis</a>; had a visit from an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>; did the 'accidentally going out of the gaff in his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">slippers</a>' malarkey; saw the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">return</a> of the dreaded insomnia and the dreaded return of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/they-dont-know-what-is-what.html">the fatigue</a>. Had the latest <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/if-its-not-love-then-its-bomb-that-will.html">tri-monthly prickage</a>; plus, yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/death-so-called-is-thing-which-makes.html">sleep disturbances</a>; a further bout of day-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/fudgel-today-shivviness-tomorrow.html">retinology</a>; a bout of extreme <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/the-square-on-globe.html">exhaustion</a>; picked up a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/my-long-sickness-of-health-living-now.html">cold virus</a> in the week that he got his latest Covid and influenza inoculations; got through <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/the-department-of-baths-them-be-atles.html">the entire Department Of Baths malarkey</a> (and then, its <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/sixty.html">sequel</a>) whilst suffering from significant, on-going, back spasms. Received the welcome news that his latest test for cancer of the colon had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/12/stop-apologising-for-things-youve-never.html">come back negative</a>. And got scheduled for <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2024/01/this-is-not-temporary-place-holder.html">yet more blood tests</a>. <br />
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During the three weeks since the last bloggerisationism update, this blogger had yet another couple of 'crack-of-dawn' appointments at the local medical centre, the most recent of which was with the delightful Nurse Jordan for his latest knacking, pure-dead-stingy B-12 injection. So, obviously, this blogger required a bit of breakfast, afterwards whilst his throbbing arm throbbed, quietly (actually, not so quietly if we're being honest, here) to itself. <br />
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Now, dear blog reader, here is a visual representation of what happens when one is on the bus coming back from the shops about three stops from home and the sudden realisation dawns that the truly terrible gastric accident one hoped and prayed wasn't going to occur until one was safely within ones own four walls simply cannot be stopped. Or reasoned with.<br />
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There was also a significant cold snap during which The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House found itself, once again, knee-deep in the snow outside (well, ankle deep, anyway). Is it just this blogger, or does this picture - used by the <i>Daily Mirra</i> to show their readers what snow actually looks like - include <i>the</i> single, most pointless use of an umbrella in all the live-long day, bar none? <br />
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This blogger was sad to learn this week that one of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House's two local Chinese takeaways is going to be closing down in a couple of weeks time. Yes, this blogger <i>is</i> well-aware that this is very much a First World Problem type-affair but, still, you know, a good takeaway can be hard to find and when you <i>do</i> find a good one (or, even a good <i>two</i>), you don't want the natural laws of the universe being interfered with. The place <i>will</i> be taken over by someone else, eventually, since the family that ran it only rented the gaff - as, indeed, they took over from a previous couple about a decade again - but, whenever someone new takes over an eating establishment that you like, you're never <i>quite</i> sure what you're going to end up with. Fingers crossed, however, that the new management - whomsoever they are - will be all right. The same place has, as already noted, undergone one change of ownership ten years ago and it more-or-less retained its identity then (in fact, the chicken that the last-owners-before-the-present used in their chicken curry, frankly, pissed all over the current version. Big thick meaty chunks, so they were!) So, more news on whether yer actual Keith Telly Topping's regime of salt-and-chilli King Prawn with red and green peppers, yung chow friend rice and a tasty sauce of his choice will be affected by this malarkey at some later date. Until then, the other - broadly-speaking excellent - local Cantonese establishment will be getting all of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House custom that's going till there's an alternative once again. <br />
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In 2010, Kevin Younger began an article in the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> with the words: 'Recognise the faces but can't place the names?' Among the list of Britain's top ten 'great unsung television character-actors' which followed was the divine Georgina Hale. 'This slinky, adenoidal, estuarine glamour-puss oozed naughtiness in some interesting films and some classic television in the 1970s,' Younger <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/tvandradioblog/gallery/2010/jul/27/british-character-actors">wrote</a>. 'She has latterly cornered the market in <i>nouveau riche</i> languor and middle-aged decadence,' atypically using the standard <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> trick of using ten words where three would probably do just as well if not better. Although most of her screen roles were on television, Georgina, who has died aged eighty, was a favourite not only of us here at <i>From The North</i> but, also, of good old Mad-As-Toast Ken Russell, who once said she was 'an actress of such sensitivity that she can make the hair rise on your arms.' She was at her best for Russell in his fictionalised biopic <i>Mahler</i> (1974), portraying the wife of the Austrian composer, played by Robert Powell. 'It is Georgina Hale's playing of Alma which gives the film most of its vitality,' observed the <i>Daily Mirra</i>'s critic Arthur Thirkell. Alma, Mahler's ambitious wife, joins him on a train journey through Austria, which is punctuated by flashbacks to key events from his life. This stifling of her creativity is symbolised in the opening scene, as Gustav dreams of his wife rolling around on rocks, stark naked and trying to set herself free from the translucent cocoon that surrounds her. Later, he dreams about his death and burial, with Alma leading the funeral procession, then stripping for her new, Nazi, lover. Georgina's performance was rewarded with a BAFTA as most promising newcomer. She had previously appeared in Russell's two 1971 masterpieces: <i>The Devils</i>, as the pregnant, abandoned conquest of a philandering Catholic priest (Oliver Reed) and <i>The Boy Friend</i>, as Fay, one of the company singing and dancing alongside Twiggy in the director's screen version of Sandy Wilson's stage musical pastiche. She made uncredited cameo appearances in two more Russell films, <i>Lisztomania</i> (1975) and <i>Valentino</i> (1977), and played the young Jim Hawkins's flirtatious bingo-calling mother in Russell's bizarre take on <b>Treasure Island</b>, a 1995 TV movie with Long Jane Silver (Hetty Baynes) in the lead. In between, Georgina was kept busy on television with roles such as Ruth Ellis, the last woman to be hanged in Britain, in ITV's <b>Ladykillers</b> (1980) and Moya Lexington, an amalgam of the pioneering aviator Amy Johnson and the actress Sarah Churchill, in Terence Rattigan's <b>After The Dance</b> (1992) for the BBC. 'She's on the drink, on the drugs and she flies her own aeroplane,' said Hale, proudly. She also found a new audience as the witch Tabatha Bag in the later runs of the ITV children's series <b>T-Bag</b>, beginning with <b>T-Bag & The Pearls Of Wisdom</b> (1990) and ending with <b>Take Off With T-Bag</b> (1992). She took over from Elizabeth Estensen, who had played Tabatha's sister, Tallulah, since the programme's first episode in 1985. But Georgina then saw screen roles begin to dry up. 'Once I reached fifty one, my life changed,' she said in 2002. 'Four years ago, I tried to change my agent and eleven turned me down. One told me they didn't take actresses over forty five because it was "too depressing to talk to them on the telephone."' There was even a two-year spell spent washing dishes in a restaurant, but stage work kept her career going. <br />
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Georgina was born in Ilford, to Elsie and George Hole, who ran a pub. She said that she grew up overweight and shy and kept changing school as her parents moved around different pubs - something she believed damaged her education. 'I couldn't write, spell or read,' she told the <i>Glasgow Herald</i> in 2002. 'There was a real shame in it and you were the dunce of the class, always getting whacked around the head. We were on the move a lot, so going to so many schools, always being the new girl, it was so frightening and so nerve-wracking as a kid and it really affected me.' Her mother died when she was eighteen, followed by her father four years later. At the age of nineteen, having never visited a theatre, she was given tickets to see <i>West Side Story</i>, which, she said, 'blew my mind.' She was working in London, as a junior with a Knightsbridge hairdresser, when she spotted an actors' workshop in Chelsea teaching the Stanislavski method technique. This led her to RADA, graduating in 1965. Tweaking her professional name to Hale, she began her career with the Royal Shakespeare Company in walk-on roles at both Stratford and The Aldwych Theatre, London (1965 and 1966) and, rep in Liverpool, the following year. Her West End debut came in <i>The Seagull</i>, by Chekhov, at the Duke of York's Theatre in 1976 as, according to<i> The Stage</i>'s critic, 'a tender, thoughtful, charming' Nina. She then starred as Bobbi Michele, alongside Lee Montague, in the British premiere of Neil Simon's <i>Last Of The Red Hot Lovers</i> at The Royal Exchange, Manchester (1979), which transferred to The Criterion (1979-80). Hale was back in the West End - earning an Olivier nomination - as Josie in Nell Dunn's <i>Steaming</i> (Comedy Theatre, 1981), set in a Turkish bath. Even though she appeared naked for Russell on film - and was seen wearing nothing but an apron as she cooked breakfast for Roger Daltrey in the 1980 crime movie <i>McVicar</i> - she told the <i>Liverpool Daily Post</i>: 'I don't mind having to take my clothes off. It's a slice of life, after all.' Her later stage roles included Gwen in Simon Gray's black comedy <i>Life Support</i> at The Aldwych in 1997 and Greta Scacchi's adoptive mother in <i>The Guardsman</i>, by Ferenc Molnar at The Albery, three years later.<br />
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On television, she first made an impression as Adam Faith's wife, Jean, in <b>Budgie</b> (1971-72). In the 1972 film <i>Eagle In A Cage</i>, about Napoleon's imprisonment on St Helena, she played the fallen emperor's friend Betsy Balcombe. Her other film appearances included supporting roles in <i>Butley</i> (1974), <i>Sweeney 2</i> (1978, as the sexy-voiced telephonist Jack Regan wants a date with), <i>Castaway</i> (1986), <i>Preaching To The Perverted</i> (1997), <i>Mrs Palfrey At The Claremont</i> (2005) and the nowhere-near-as-bad-as-the-title-suggests <i>Cockneys Versus Zombies</i> (2011). Hale's television career spanned six decades. Her first major appearances were supporting roles in plays for <b>The Wednesday Play</b>, <b>ITV Playhouse</b>, <b>ITV Play Of The Week</b> and <b>Menace</b>. Recurring roles in series followed, in <b>Budgie</b> and then as Lili Dietrich in the mini-series <b>The Strauss Family</b> (1972). In 1973, she starred in <b>A.D.A.M</b> as a physically disabled woman who develops an unusual relationship with the sentient computer system that controls her home. Directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg, the drama was broadcast as part of ITV's <b>Sunday Night Drama</b> strand. In 1975, Hale appeared in two television plays written by Simon Gray, broadcast in <b>Play For Today</b>, <i>Plaintiffs & Defendants</i> and <i>Two Sundays</i>. In 1978, Hale appeared with Michael Gambon in a BBC adaptation of Chekhov's <b>The Seagull</b>. Her CV also included appearances in the likes of <b>The Flying Swan</b>, <b>No Hiding Place</b>, <b>Public Eye</b>, <b>Virgin Of The Secret Service</b>, <b>The Main Chance</b>, <b>The Protectors</b>, <b>Notorious Women</b>, <b>Upstairs, Downstairs</b>, <b>Yes, Honestly</b>, <b>Piccadilly Circus</b>, <b>Hammer House Of Horror</b> and <b>Murder Most Horrid</b>. In December 1992, Hale appeared in two plays produced by Simon Curtis, broadcast as part of the series <b>Performance</b>. Two years later, she was in the sitcom pilot <b>The Honeymoon's Over</b>, written by Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson, broadcast in the <b>Comic Asides</b> strand for BBC Two. In 2007, Hale made a guest appearance in the crime drama <b>The Commander</b>. Nancy Banks-Smith noted in the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> that Hale 'was able to do wonders with a mere sliver of a scene.' Other television appearances include guest roles in <b>Minder</b> (1980), the <b>Doctor Who</b> serial <i>The Happiness Patrol</i> (1988), <b>One Foot In The Grave</b> (1990), <b>The Bill</b> (2002), <b>Emmerdale</b> (2006), <b>Hollyoaks</b> (2010), <b>Crime Stories</b> (2012) and <b>Holby City</b> (2016, her final screen appearance). Georgina's 1964 marriage to the actor John Forgeham ended in divorce.<br />
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Annie Nightingale, the first female presenter on Radio 1 and the station's longest-serving DJ, has died aged eighty three. Her family said that she died on 11 January at home in London following an illness. In a statement they described her, correctly, as 'a pioneer, trailblazer and inspiration to many. Her impulse to share that enthusiasm with audiences remained undimmed after six decades of broadcasting on BBC TV and radio globally. Never underestimate the role model she became. Breaking down doors by refusing to bow down to sexual prejudice and male fear gave encouragement to generations of young women who, like Annie, only wanted to tell you about an amazing tune they had just heard. Watching Annie do this on television in the 1970s, most famously as a presenter on <b>The Old Grey Whistle Test</b>, or hearing her play the latest breakbeat techno on Radio 1 is testimony to someone who never stopped believing in the magic of rock'n'roll.' <br />
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Annie joined Radio 1 in 1970, never left and holds the world record for having the longest career of any female radio presenter. Her programme <i>Annie Nightingale Presents</i> featured the famed dance music fan's 'biggest bass bangers': her most recent show, broadcast on 9 January, featured songs by Deadmau5 and remixes of songs by AJ Tracey and Jorja Smith and US rapper Ice Spice (no, me neither). The BBC Director General Tim Davie called Nightingale 'a uniquely gifted broadcaster who blessed us with her love of music and passion for journalism, for over fifty years. As well as being a trailblazer for new music, she was a champion for female broadcasters, supporting and encouraging other women to enter the industry.' But then, he's a Tory and nobody really gives a damn what <i>he</i> thinks. About anything. <br />
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Anne Avril Nightingale was born in Middlesex in April 1940, the only child of Celia and Basil, who ran a family wallpaper business. She attended St Catherine's School in Twickenham and, reportedly, became a fan of blues music as a teenager. She later attended Lady Eleanor Holles School, Hampton and the School of Journalism at the Polytechnic of Central London. She started her career working in newspapers, spending a short time at the <i>Brighton & Hove Gazette</i> and then moving to become the only woman in the newsroom at the <i>Brighton Argus</i>. There, she wrote a pop column, <i>Spin With Me</i> and also worked as a court reporter, feature writer and diarist. The latter got her interviews with Sean Connery and Peter Sellers. She recalled facing little overt sexism at the paper and that she was allowed to publish occasional feminist pieces. Her brightness and personality got her a role as an occasional panellist on the BBC's Saturday night <b>Juke Box Jury</b> starting in 1963. She later became the host of the Associated-Rediffusion TV pop show <b>That's For Me</b> (1965) in which she booked musicians who had not previously been seen on television such as The Yardbirds and introduced The Who's first promotion film. At this time, she also hosted other specials for Associated-Rediffusion, including <b>The Glad Rag Ball</b> at Wembley, starring The Rolling Stones whilst making occasional appearances on the BBC's <b>A Whole Scene Going</b> and <b>Ready! Steady! Go!</b>. She continued working in television while simultaneous running a chain of fashion shops and modelling. Inspired by her friend, the pop-artist Pauline Boty, she launched a fashion boutique. This swiftly became a chain called Snob. Annie put on fashion shows and took part in them, notably a charity show for Bernard Fitzalan-Howard, Sixteenth Duke of Norfolk, at Arundel Castle. <br />
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In the late 1960s, inspired by the advent of pirate radio, she lobbied for a job on the BBC's nascent Radio 1, which had no female presenters when it launched. 'When the pirates and then Radio 1 came along, I was very keen to get involved,' she told <i>NME</i> in 1978. 'I seemed to find that broadcasting came easy - certainly easier than writing. But nobody wanted to know.' By 1970 she was successful - thanks in part to support from The Be-Atles' press officer Derek Taylor and John Peel (both close friends) - and a trial run led to a Sunday afternoon presenting job where her <i>Request Show</i> was required listening for an entire generation of music fans, this blogger very much included. She was the only female DJ at the station for twelve years, until Janice Long joined in 1982 and claimed that she faced much sexism within the male-dominated bear-pit. By the eighties, she had transferred to an evening slot, which gave her greater freedom over the style of music she played. 'From day one, I chose the records I wanted to play and stuck to it ever since,' she wrote in her 2020 memoir, <i>Hey Hi Hello: Five Decades Of Pop Culture From Britain's First Female DJ</i>. 'I wasn't there for the "exposure". I preferred the evenings, where I wouldn't have to introduce playlist tunes I didn't like. That would have been like lying to me.' Few, who heard it, will ever forget the night in 1984 when she played the entire, extended-twelve inch version of Franke Goes To Hollywood's newly-released 'Two Tribes' (all ten minutes of it) and, at the end, asked listeners 'aren't you glad you weren't born in the Eighteenth Century? Because, if you had been, you'd never have got to hear that!' She presented various music and discussion programmes on the station and joined <b>The Old Grey Whistle Test</b> as host in 1978 following the long-awaited departure of Whispering Bob Harris. Notably, she fronted an episode broadcast in the wake of the murder of John Lennon in 1980. Again, there were many <i>legendary</i> moments like the night The Damned had <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5-IkuEq-8c">gotten drunk</a> with Annie following rehearsals and decided to smash up their gear after a chaotic performance of 'I Just Can't Be Happy Today'. A giggling Annie, the consummate professional, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaYayknwQ0A">told</a> the audience, 'you must bear in mind that this studio <i>is</i> haunted by The Who!' whilst Algy Ward provided her with a 'dun-dun-duuuun' accompanying bassline, Until the mid-1980s, she wrote regularly for the <i>Sunday Mirra</i> and penned music columns for the <i>Daily Sketch</i> and the <i>Daily Scum Express</i>.<br />
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During her time on <b>Whistle Test</b>, <a href="https://punkgirldiaries.com/annie-nightingale/">the show moved away</a>, thankfully, from its traditional bias under Harris for laid-back snore-inducing singer-songwriters and tiresome progressive rock and embraced the modern world of styles such as punk, post-punk, new wave and Two-Tone. She left the series in 1982 handing over to David Hepworth. Her tenure saw her champion artists as diverse as The Ramones, The Adverts, Talking Heads, Siouxsie & The Banshees, Ian Dury & The Blockheads, Public Image Ltd, Gang Of Four, Linton Kwesi Johnson, The Au Pairs, Patti Smith Group, Iggy Pop, Blondie, Robert Fripp, John Cooper Clarke, U2, The Jam, The Clash, Wreckless Eric, Nina Hagen, Elvis Costello & The Attractions, X-Ray Spex, Adam & The Ants, The Teardrop Explodes, Madness, The Specials, The Selecter and The Undertones. Annie also interviewed artists for the show, including Mick Jagger, Mick Taylor, Jeff Beck, Frank Zappa, Dusty Springfield and Paul Simon. In 1980, she accompanied The Police on their world tour, which included places which had seldom hosted rock performers - including Mexico, India, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Greece and Egypt - with the tour filmed for a documentary. Still, the fact that she frequently had the opportunity to throttle Sting and never did shouldn't be held against her too much when weighed against all of the <i>good</i> stuff she did. In 1985 she was part of the BBC team that provided the coverage for <b>Live Aid</b>. <br />
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Annie commanded a loyal listenership. In the early 1980s, Mark Ellen recalled standing in for her on her Sunday evening show and noting the extent of her listeners' devotion. 'They thought of Annie as an eternally sympathetic figurehead who understood what they were going through, a sort of fabulous and unreconstructed Goth auntie,' he told the <i>Observer</i> in 2020. 'They absolutely <i>adored</i> her.' In the late 1980s, she became a pioneer of dance music at the station, exposing the then-underground acid house scene to the mainstream. She also became an in-demand DJ herself, playing clubs and festivals around the world. In 2002 she was awarded an OBE for services to radio broadcasting and in 2020, she was appointed a CBE. Annie published three memoirs: <i>Chase The Fade</i> in 1981, <i>Wicked Speed</i> in 1999 and <i>Hey Hi Hello</i>. She was close to Paul McCartney, who commissioned her to write a book to accompany the re-releases of his LPs <i>Tug Of War</i> and <i>Pipes Of Peace</i> and who once, allegedly, <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/2sPsd9y9PjMc0pVQHC221CX/six-brilliant-stories-from-annie-nightingales-54-years-of-broadcasting">proposed marriage</a> to her in the 1960s. 'I don't think he was serious!' she recalled. '<i>I</i> didn't take it too seriously.' She also had long (often, chaotic) friendships with a whole range of the rock aristocracy, from David Bowie, Mick Jagger and Keith Moon, to Joe Strummer and Debbie Harry. <br />
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She was one of the first outside the Be-Atles immediate inner-circle to know about John Lennon and Yoko Ono's relationship, but she kept it a secret, despite her journalistic instincts telling her it would make a front page story. She <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2015/jul/16/on-air-with-annie-nightingale-50-years-dj">told</a> Jimmy Page his band weren't going to get anywhere with a name like Led Zeppelin, hung out with The Byrds at her London flat and recalled mistaking their conversation about taking acid as referring to pounds, shilling and pence, was part of Jimi Hendrix's entourage at The Isle of Wight and her close friendship with Keith Moon saw him ask her to write his life story just ten days before he died in 1978. Rather than move to the likes of BBC Radio 2 and play music aimed at older people as many former Radio 1 broadcasters did as the station chased a younger audience, she maintained her youth-focus as a presenter into her eighties. 'If I can play what I like and say what I like and encourage the young to do the same, then that's the dream to me,' she told the <i>Observer </i>in 2020. She was also a noted supporter of young broadcasting talent. In 2021, she launched the Radio 1 scholarships to help discover female and non-binary DJs and she spoke passionately of the importance of believing in younger generations. 'We should trust young people, because when we have done in the past, like in the 1960s and the 1990s ... we've all reaped the benefits. I experienced the attitude of those times, that feeling that young people could create this fabulous new world together. They still can, if we <i>help</i> them.' Annie had two children, Alex and Lucy, with her first husband, the writer Gordon Thomas, whom she had divorced by 1970. A second marriage, to the actor Binky Baker in the late 1970s, also ended in divorce.<br />
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And, finally, dear blog reader, the only nominee for this week's <i>From The North</i> headline of The Week Award is the <a href="https://www.basingstokegazette.co.uk/news/24084831.man-banned-every-wickes-country-tank-protest/"><i>Basingstoke Gazette</i> for <i>Man Banned From Every Wickes In The Country After 'Tank' Protest</i></a>. which seems a bit on the harsh side but, then, we don't know what, exactly, he pee'd into the tank in question. And from what height.<br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-48299932079567244852024-01-05T20:00:00.019+00:002024-01-31T18:18:38.720+00:00This Is Not A Temporary Place Holder<div style="text-align: justify;">
So, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, welcome you all are to the first <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationism update of a completely New Year.<br />
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We start off with some actual great news. Apparently, dear blog reader, you can currently get <i>this malarkey</i> at Tesco for, but, a fiver. Sounds like a right proper bargain to this blogger and no mistake. After all, if you're going to <i>get</i> rimmed, dear blog readers, then passionate people would appear to be the <i>very</i> chaps to be doing said rimming. This blogger is sure you'll all agree. <br />
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Since the last <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationism update <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/12/its-most-wonderful-time-of-year.html">on 21 December</a>, we've had a new <b>Doctor Who</b> episode, <i>The Church On Ruby Road</i>, broadcast on Christmas Day. This blogger, needless to say, thought it was <i>great</i>. Sweet, charming, touching, funny, Davina McCall getting crushed by a Christmas tree, super-gloves, singing Goblins, temporal mechanics, domestic repairs <i>and</i> Shakin' Stevens! 'I've even been <i>trampled by a moose</i>!' Even the Middle Class hippy Communists at the, notoriously fickle, <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/dec/25/doctor-who-the-church-on-ruby-road-review-christmas-special-ncuti-gatwa">thought it was geet lush</a>. Ncuti and Millie were absolutely electric together, as hoped. Crackling. <i>Fizzing</i>, even. The future's bright, dear blog reader, the future's Rusty. <br />
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Of course, not everyone liked it. But Hell, that's <i>their</i> problem, frankly. For example, on Boxing Day this blogger saw someone online suggesting that 'they've turned <b>Doctor Who</b> into Batman.' This blogger is not sure exactly whom '<i>they</i>' are or if that is supposed to be a <i>bad</i> thing or not. But, it did give this blogger an excellent opportunity to post these two images again for the first time in a while. <br /><br />
Firstly, Dinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinnerdinner Rusty! <br />
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And secondly, from the archives - 'I'm afraid I was very, <i>very</i> drunk!'<br />
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The BBC has <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-christmas-special-figures-newsupdate/">released</a> the viewing figures for <b>Doctor Who</b> over the festive period and has revealed the popular, long-running family SF drama from 2005 onwards was watched a whopping ten million times on <i>iPlayer</i>. During the Christmas week (25 to 31 December), viewers flocked to <i>iPlayer</i> and set a new all-time record, <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/2024/bbc-iplayer-record-breaking-festive-viewing">according</a> to the BBC. <i>The Church On Ruby Road</i>, was the fifth most watched programme throughout the BBC's festive fortnight. It received 1.79 million streams over the period. Dan McGolpin, director of BBC <i>iPlayer</i> and channels, said: 'It's wonderful to see that viewers came to BBC <i>iPlayer</i> in record numbers over the festive period. Nowhere else would they have found the same range of high-quality British programming to keep them gripped, make them laugh or to provide companionship and news at that special time a whole host of compelling drama, comedy, factual programming, entertainment and sport landing on <i>iPlayer</i> in 2024, viewers can look forward to a great year ahead.' The episode itself, which was broadcast on Christmas Day (you noticed <i>that</i>, right?), had an overnight rating of 4.73 million, which was slightly higher than the final sixtieth anniversary special. <i>The Giggle</i> received 4.62 million overnight viewers and an 6.85 million consolidated seven day plus audience. <i>The Church On Ruby Road</i> was the third most watched programme on Christmas Day, coming after <b>The King's Christmas Broadcast</b> (with 7.48 million viewers across numerous channels) and the <b>Strictly Come Dancing</b> Christmas special (with 5.29 million viewers on BBC1). The forthcoming series of <b>Doctor Who</b> is due to debut on the BBC and Disney Plus circa May 2024, with <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlyPLWz-e1U">a trailer being released</a> on Christmas Day. The trailer gave fans a glimpse of what to expect from Ncuti Gatwa's first series as The Doctor, including some guest stars - Indira Varma and Jonathan Groff - and The Doctor and Ruby's adventure with The Be-Atles (a popular beat-combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them). <br />
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Meanwhile, here's a picture of Millie Gibson with a bag of chips. Definitely this blogger's kind of lady. <br />
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Speaking of the trailer and The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) ... okay, so if what Russell has stated is accurate and the episode take place in <i>early</i> 1963, then that's the wrong Gretsch that Scouser of Distinction George Harrison is playing (it appears to be a cherry-red Gretsch Country Gentleman. George was still playing his black Gretsch Duo Jet up to the late summer of 63). The drum-head logo is also completely wrong. The Abbey Road studio two control room's in the wrong place (trust this blogger, he's been there <i>and</i> had his photo taken with his feet up on the mixing desk!) But, the Gibson J160 looks about right and at least the bassist is left-handed (unlike the vast majority of Be-Atles tribute bands these days). So nice try - seven out of ten (ish) but, ultimately, 'not a bit like Cagney!' When pointing all this out on <i>Facebook</i>, of course, this blogger immediately got asked by one of his dear <i>Facebook</i> fiends why he cared about such rank trivia. To which this blogger replied: 'I <i>don't</i> care, I'm just being a trainspotter because this is one of the few subjects that, for once, I actually <i>do</i> know what I'm talking about! And, also, I <i>am</i> the co-author of <i>The Discontinuity Guide</i>, after all and, therefore, spotting these sort of things actually <i>is</i> my job.' You can't argue with <i>that</i> logic. <br />
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There's also the fact that 'John' is wearing spectacles that wouldn't be seen on his mush until late 1966 though this blogger is even less bothered about <i>that</i>. Far less bothered, in fact, than his lovely and usually quite 'normal' fiend, Jan, who completely lost her shit over it! To such an extent that this blogger had to go down the Michael Winner route and cry 'calm down, dear, it's <i>only</i> a TV show'! (That said, he's still a bit vexed about them using the wrong Gretsch!) Unless, of course, The 'Mavityverse' is at play, here. You never know. <br />
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Wrong glasses? <br />
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The new series will also see an all-star line-up (it says <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/2023/trailer-doctor-who-returns-2024">here</a>) including returnees Yasmin Finney and Bonnie Langford who will reprise their roles as Rose Noble and Mel Bush. As well as introducing Jinkx Monsoon as The Doctor's (allegedly) 'most powerful enemy yet', Jonathan Groff in a mysterious key role, Indira Varma as The Duchess and Lenny Rush as Morris, to name but several. <br />
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Incidentally, dear blog reader, if you're wondering this image - purporting to contain the names of all eight of the next series stories taken from a Disney screengrab - does not appear to be even remotely kosher. Which is a pity, actually as if there <i>isn't</i> an episode called <i>Goodbye, Ruby Sunday</i> this blogger wants his money back. Some people, seemingly, have <i>far</i> too much time on their hands <i>and</i> access to photoshop. <br />
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<b>Doctor Who</b>'s Christmas special introduced viewers to The Goblin King. You may have noticed. In one of the episode's most memorable moments, The Doctor and Ruby Sunday broke into song to distract the monstrous villain - a sequence which this blogger thought was great and made even greater by the fact that it was guaranteed to cause the heads to explode of various gammon-faced bigoted snarling overgrown schoolboys in their forties - but there was a version of the story which was somewhat different. Talking on the BBC's <i><b>Doctor Who</b>: Video Commentaries</i>, Big Rusty <a href="https://comicbookmovie.com/tv/bbc-america/doctor-who/doctor-who-showrunner-says-budgetary-constraints-led-to-goblin-king-fight-being-cut-from-christmas-special-a208646#gs.36cej0">revealed</a> that, before The Doctor and Millie used the Goblin King's probability powers against him, the plan had been for the baddie to pursue Ruby through her apartment. 'Originally, they got back to the flat and everything was fine and then The Goblin King attacked and he arrived in the bedroom and came down the hall, so it was brilliant,' Big Rusty stated. 'He was coming down the hall. But earlier on we’d established that Carla gives everyone a scratchcard for Christmas, like when the social workers say, "Oh, have a scratchcard, have a scratchcard. Hope you win, blah blah blah." So, there's a pile of scratchcards in the kitchen. So Ruby fought off The Goblin King with luck. She kept scratching them until she won,' he continued. 'It was bad luck, bad luck, bad luck. Then she got to like the fifteenth card and she won ten pounds. And she went "Good luck!" like that and The Goblin King vanished. And then what we've replaced that with is a crack in the roof.' The showrunner went on to reveal the sequence had to be cut 'due to budgetary constraints.' <br />
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All eyes were on the new Doctor, Ncuti, of course but he didn't think he would be the biggest star of <b>Doctor Who</b>'s Christmas special. Instead, the Rwanda-born Scottish actor joked <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-67705354">with the BBC</a> that he was angry Davina McCall's cameo 'steals the show' and pointed to the setting in 'mythical' Welsh Wales. He also praised Big Rusty for 'whipping up' the 'fresh and scary' world <b>Doctor Who</b> is set in. Whilst the role may be new for the thirty one-year-old, the setting is very familiar, having spent the best part of five years filming in Wales for <b>Sex Education</b> and as the Time Lord since February. He thanked the country for 'welcoming me and consistently employing me' and described why he thought it provided the perfect backdrop. 'Wales is just the most beautiful country, like ridiculously so at times,' he told BBC Radio Wales. 'And I can see why they film <b>Doctor Who</b> here, because there's something almost mythical about some of the landscapes in Wales. There's a place where we shot the beginning of episode four of <b>Doctor Who</b>. Tenby, "loads of people go there for their caravan holidays," they said to me. What a <i>stunning</i> place. And you guys just have that for free.' Southerndown Beach, near Bridgend, Cardiff Bay, Caerphilly Castle and Margam Country Park will all appear in the series, due to be broadcast in the spring. Ncuti said of Big Rusty's input: 'He is whipping up a world that is so exciting, and new and fresh, and scary and deep and dark and so much fun as well.' As the popular, long=running family SF drama celebrates its sixtieth anniversary, Ncuti believes the longevity is down to writers such as Davies being able to reflect society in the UK and around the world. 'He is able to channel issues and conversations and where we are in the world through the power of his pen and this is what he's doing on this show,' Ncuti added. 'And so I think it's really important that the show continues to be a bit of a mirror to us and who we are as humans.' Perhaps the success is also down to the personal attachment many feel to it - as Ncuti described <b>Doctor Who</b> as a show he loves 'as do we all in this country. And the character was one that I felt the relationship with,' he added. 'I feel, The Doctor's like a member of our family, like we've all grown up with him. It's like a piece of furniture in the house. And so I always knew that I liked that piece of furniture. And I was like, I would like to be that piece of furniture.' While many people no doubt watched his first (well, technically, second) appearance as The Doctor on Christmas Day after eating and drinking too much (this blogger certainly did - see below), Ncuti enjoyed the moment in slightly different circumstances after having the episode sent to his phone. He said: 'I came back, because I'm such a rock star, from the gym. And I watched it on my own. I put my phone in airplane mode. I sent my flatmate out. And then watched it. And then as it got to the bit where I was going to like pop out, I had to pause the screen, go for a little walk, poured myself a glass of something, have a little breather and then switched it back on. God, my heart was just racing with nerves, anticipation, just feeling sick, but feeling excited.' <br />
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The BBC has expertly - and, very satisfyingly - <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/doctor-who-bbc-trans-rose-b2473105.html">shut down</a> <b>Doctor Who</b> complaints levied against a transgender character introduced in a recent episode. In November's <i>The Star Beast</i>, which reunited David Tennant's Doctor and Catherine Tate's Donna, <b>Heartstopper</b> star Yasmin Finney made her debut in the show, playing Donna's daughter Rose. One scene in the episode, which was written by Russell Davies, featured a frank discussion about Rose's trans identity after she is misgendered, with another one showing her being 'deadnamed' by sick, scum bullies. Deadnaming, in case you hadn't come across the term, is the act of calling someone by the name they used <i>before</i> they transitioned. While many viewers - this blogger included and, happily, most of his fiends - praised the inclusion of such scenes, which were described as 'natural' and 'educational' (the later, remember, being one of the BBC's three Reithian values), they also found themselves the subject of one hundred and forty four complaints to the BBC. By sick, bigoted, transphobia, small-dicked <b>GB News</b> viewing <i>scum</i> who, seemingly, object when confronted by diversity against their will, basically. Something which the corporation has now, rather beautifully, responded to and slapped down into the gutter along with all the other stinking, rancid, puke-inducing shite. <i>Deadline</i> has <a href="https://deadline.com/2024/01/bbc-hits-back-complaints-transgender-doctor-who-yasmin-finney-1235694252/">highlighted</a> an update on the BBC's complaints response website, which reads: 'As regular viewers of <b>Doctor Who</b> will be aware, the show <i>has and will always continue to proudly celebrate diversity and reflect the world we live in</i> [this blogger's italics]. We are always mindful of the content within our episodes.' Big Rusty, who is overseeing the new era of the popular, long-running family SF drama, said in November of on-screen trans representation: '[There are] newspapers of absolute hate and venom and destruction and violence who would rather see that sort of thing wiped off the screen [and] destroyed. <i>Shame on you</i> and good luck to you in your lonely lives.' Speaking on companion show <b>Doctor Who: Unleashed</b>, Davies explained the decision to incorporate Finney's trans identity into the show. 'It becomes a vital part of the plot that Rose contains the "he" and the "she" and the neither and the both and that's a new future. Rose goes beyond words, beyond definitions.' He continued: 'Homophobia and transphobia happens when it's something you've never seen before. You can temper that reaction and change it when you introduce these images to people happily and normally and calmly when they're young. Then it just becomes normal.' It really does astonish this blogger and flabber-his-gast to its very core that people who claim to be 'fans' of <b>Doctor Who</b> - a popular, long-running family SF drama with a sixty year history of being inclusive, open, tolerant and considerate - can quietly forgot that history when showing off their loathsome puss-filled prejudices. Forgetting, for example, that the show's first producer was one of the first women in such a position in the BBC's history, that it's first director was a gay British-Asian man, or that - just to take one further example - one of its most popular periods was used by the producer, script editor and several of its writers as a platform to highlight topical social and political issues like ecology, racism and industrial action whilst placing much of the drama in the context of Buddhist allegory. But then, dear blog reader, some people are, sadly, just <i>scum</i>. <br />
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This blogger mentioned in <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/12/its-most-wonderful-time-of-year.html">the last <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationism update</a>, those two objectionable clown displaying <i>clea</i>r and sickening racist scumbaggery and clear, crass <i>apologism</i> for sickening racist scumbaggery (respectively) with regard to the allegedly 'woke' casting of Ncuti in the series. Since then, we've seen one particularly cowardly piece of <i>filth</i> on one of this blogger's <i>Facebook</i> fiends pages, taking issue with some of Russell's quoted comments regarding diversity and suggesting that this - no doubt perfect - individual believed Russell was deliberately trying to annoy 'the majority of older fans.' This blogger pointed out that he always enjoys watching someone claiming to be speaking on behalf of 'the majority of older fans' without, seemingly, having bothered to ask anyone if he had their permission to do so. Because, this blogger certainly didn't get that memo. And, when this hideous piece of noxious <i>phlegm</i> then carried on arguing the toss (plus a bit of crass 'and, incidentally, I'm not homophobic, me' snivelling), this blogger advised him to stop trying to be a gatekeeper since he was, manifestly, unfit for the job. 'You don't <i>own</i> <b>Doctor Who</b>,' this blogger noted, adding that neither does Keith Telly Topping and that, in fact, only the BBC does and they've decided to employ Russell Davies to produce the show in any damned way that he sees fit. 'You as, I presume, a licence-fee payer have the right to watch it, or not watch it, it's a free country after all.' Shortly afterwards, another - different - <i>Facebook</i> fiend had <i>his</i> page infected by some spotty glake bemoaning - in the most crass and ignorant 'why? Oh why? Oh why?' way - that 'they've made The Doctor gay.' On this occasion, this blogger wasn't going to get himself involved since plenty of others were doing a very good job of eviscerating this cretin and ripping him a new arsehole. But, like an idiot, he kept on replying, full of denials concerning his (clear) homophobia and trying to talk his way out of the sticky situation he'd gotten himself into. This blogger merely ended the discussion with a couple of pieces of, he felt, worthwhile advice for the young man. 'A tip: When you're in a hole, it's usually a good idea to stop digging. Another tip: Get yourself a new mind, because they one you have appears to be narrow. And full of shit.' <br />
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Featured in this month's issue of <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Magazine</i> (available from all good newsagents ... and some bad ones) is a scene from the initial draft script for <i>The Giggle</i> which didn't make the final cut, between The Doctor, Donna and Mel. One which included a reference of The Rani. In the scene, with The Doctor's hands glowing, pre-regeneration, Donna asks Mel: 'Have you seen this before?' Mel responds: 'No, I missed it, I was unconscious,' going on to clarify: 'Well, the TARDIS was attacked, by The Rani, she was this evil Time Lady, although not evil, more like amoral and she dragged the TARDIS down to this planet called Lakertya.' And then, there was all that ludicrous stuff about 'loyhargil ...' Oh, this blogger is shuddering at the very thought of it. <br />
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One suspects the reason why Russell decided to cut the scene, apart from perhaps timing reasons, was that it's part of a not-so-subtle attempt to just pretend that <i>Time & The Rani</i> never happened and if we all just sit here, quietly, we might forget about it. Which, trust this blogger, <i>would</i> be a blessing. Either that, or Russell was thinking that since Bonnie Langford had just made the greatest comeback since Lazarus he wouldn't spoil it all by giving her an utterly naff line like <i>that</i> to say. The <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults) <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-rani-david-tennant-regeneration-newsupdate/">suspects other reasons</a>. <br />
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Also in <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Magazine</i> issue five hundred and ninety nine, Big Rusty promised that 'the supernatural,' as embodied by the all-powerful, physical-law-defying Toymaker in <i>The Giggle</i>, will be revisited in upcoming episodes. 'For my first time writing <b>Doctor Who</b>, this is an unashamedly supernatural character. That was built in to the original Toymaker. In the 1966 original, he turns people into dolls. He makes them dance on a dance floor. There's an invisible game. He's a magician. That is a whole new world for <b>Doctor Who</b> and that's a very big step the whole programme is about to take.' In an <a href="https://cultbox.co.uk/news/ncuti-gatwa-speaks-of-a-pantheon-of-doctor-who-villains-lore-and-mythology">interview</a> with <i>IGN</i>, Ncuti Gatwa teased the mythology which is ahead for his first full <b>Doctor Who </b>series. 'There is a whole bunch of mythology that Russell is bringing in, there's a whole pantheon full of different villains and lore and mythology that he's bringing into the show. [It's] just very exciting and very indicative of the new adventures we'll be going on in <b>Doctor Who</b>.' In the second sixtieth anniversary special, <i>Wild Blue Yonder</i>, The Doctor introduced the idea of superstition to the Not-Things by telling them they couldn't cross a line of salt. The Doctor worried about invoking a superstition at the edge of the universe, where the walls are thin and all things are possible. This was, perhaps, the reason given that the 2024 <b>Doctor Who</b> series will, reportedly, explore myth and the supernatural. In <i>SFX</i> magazine (Christ, is that rag <i>still</i> going?), both Ncuti Gatwa and Davies mentioned an actor on set playing The Boogeyman. And, they <i>didn't</i> mean KC & The Sunshine Band. Millie Gibson had this to say about the next <b>Doctor Who</b> series in <i>1883</i> magazine: 'I think the series, in my opinion, becomes very <b>Black Mirror</b> in a way. I think people will really love this new era.' <br />
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Speaking in <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/steven-moffat-if-theres-a-page-without-a-joke-in-it-it-feels-wrong-rpbsw26rp">an interview</a> with <i>The Times</i>, Russell's successor (and, indeed, predecessor) as <b>Doctor Who</b> showrunner, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) said: 'If you write funny then you have to be in the present tense. I was writing studio sitcoms like <b>Coupling</b>, then <b>Doctor Who </b>came along. Suddenly, people were saying I write serious drama. What are you talking about? Even The Weeping Angels had two sitcom characters with funny names, Sally Sparrow and Kathy Nightingale. Russell writes like that, too. If there's a page without a joke in it, it feels wrong. If you take the comedy away, The Doctor is terrifying. This guy's running into the middle of every fight he can find and deciding who should win. People get one chance, then he exterminates their species.' Some fans - and, by 'some fans' the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults) who <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/steven-moffat-doctor-who-comedy-newsupdate/">claim</a> this provide no examples - have 'theorised' recently that Steven could be returning to guest write episodes during Davies's new era. While appearing on <b>Newsnight</b> last year, Steven was asked by presenter Kirsty Wark about whether he could return to the show in some form, to which he said: 'It's really very recent that I quit <b>Doctor Who</b> ... Look, I love, I absolutely adore <b>Doctor Who</b>, it's the most wonderful show. But it's in very safe hands with Russell.' So, that'd be an 'if Russell asks me, I'd be there like a shot', then! <br />
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And, given that a recent online poll of favourite <b>Doctor Who</b> stories contained six written by Steven (including <i>all</i> of the top four), that wouldn't be an entirely unwelcome prospect! <br />
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As we enter a new era of <b>Doctor Who</b>, we know that some spin-offs are on their way - and a <a href="https://productionlist.com/production/war-land-sea/">report</a> on the <i>Production List</i> website suggests that one of them will begin production very soon. An entry on the website suggests that a spin-off, entitled <i>The War Between The Land & The Sea</i>, will start shooting on 4 March. The series is specifically listed as a <b>Doctor Who</b> spin-off, produced by Phil Collinson and the entry states it will feature The Sea Devils. The monsters first appeared in the show in the 1972 story <i>The Sea Devils </i>and, most recently, returned in the 2022 special <i>Legend Of The Sea Devils</i>. You knew <i>all</i> that, yes? Russell previously confirmed that new spin-offs <i>are</i> on the horizon as <b>Doctor Who</b> enters its 'next stage' after the sixtieth anniversary. Speaking about why it was the right time for him to return to <b>Doctor Who</b>, Davies <a href="https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/culture/article/russell-t-davies-nolly-doctor-who-interview-2023">told</a> <i>GQ</i>: 'I thought – with no criticism whatsoever towards the people who were running it at the time, because they were running it within the BBC's measures – it was time for the next stage for <b>Doctor Who</b>. I thought the streaming platforms are ready, the spin-offs are ready; I always believed in spin-offs when I was there. I did <b>Torchwood</b> as a spin-off, <b>The Sarah Jane Adventures</b> as a spin-off. Those spin-offs declined when I left and I can see why. And I very much left after 2008, when the money became scarce. I think that's fair enough for the public service broadcaster that the money is spent on other things.' <br />
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And, just before we move on to other things, let's have another picture of Millie Gibson eating chip. Can't get enough of <i>those</i>. <br />
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We return, briefly, to conclude the <i>From The North</i> Twelve Films Of Christmas list. In which yer actual watched twelve random (reasonably recent) movies on each wet and cold (and on that day, extremely windy) December afternoon cos he couldn't be bothered to do anything else. And, so you, dear blog reader, didn't have to. (Okay, technically, it was thirteen cos he watched <i>Paddington II</i>, but that was on TV so it doesn't really count). Number Twelve: Review in sixty words or less: 'The pinkest film ever made. Seriously, it's pinker than <i>Pink Floyd's The Wall</i> starring Bob Geldof as Pink. How much more pink could it be, dear blog reader? <i>None</i> more pink, <i>that's</i> how much. In fact, the only way it could be <i>any</i> more pink would be if they cast Samuel Anderson to recreate all of the various members of the Pink family he played and then they got Pink to do the music. But even then, it may still not be pink enough. <br />
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Which brings us to a new, semi-regular, <i>From The North</i> feature, Doctors & Cats: Number one.<br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number two. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number thee. Dunno bout anyone else, but this blogger reckons that's <i>adorable</i>. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number four. Please, <i>do</i> be advised that any and all references to 'an admiration for Jodie's pussy' will be ... well, sniggered at, briefly, in the short term. Cos, it's not <i>entirely</i> unfunny. But, longer term, <i>very much</i> disapproved of. You have been warned. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number five. Kitty magnet.<br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number six. You get a special bonus this one; not only a Doctor with a cat but, also, a Catweasel. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number seven. Here we have a surly, difficult, often uncontrollable creature that doesn't like to be handled. <i>And</i> a cat.<br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number eight: War Doctor, <i>seriously</i> hard cat.<br />
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Because, as this blogger's fiend Nick pointed out, it's <i>all</i> about the cat. In space, dear blog reader, no one can hear you miaow. <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number nine: The 'ungrateful little swine' is behind you, Paul. Of course, technically, that's <i>two</i> Doctors and a cat if you count either <i>Scream Of The Shalka</i> or <i>The Curse Of Fatal Death</i> as canonical. If not (and there's no earthly reason why you should if you don't want to) then it's one Doctor <i>and</i> The Great Intelligence and a cat.<br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number ten. Nice hat, Peter.<br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number eleven. Wild stab in the dark, here but, does anyone else fancy a curry? <br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number twelve.<br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number thirteen.<br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number fourteen.<br />
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Doctor & Cats: Number fifteen.<br />
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Doctors & Cats: Number sixteen. Two for the price of one, there. <br />
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Usually, in the lead-up to Christmas, one tends to see lots of online articles (and, particularly, in the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>) full of Middle Class hippy Communists bewailing the abject horror of having to spend Christmas on their own (this was especially true in 2020 when, due to Covid, lots of people who didn't normally, for once, <i>had</i> to). The thing is, dear blog reader, for some of us that's <i>every</i> year. And, it's <i>not a problem</i>. This blogger lives alone, he has done since 1989 and Christmas Day is, consequently, just like any other day at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Keith Telly Topping is not bar-humbug about the whole thing, mind - normally the telly's quite good. But, to him, spending Christmas Day on ones own is no different to spending, say, 24 July alone, it's <i>just another day</i>. 2023, however, was different to most years. Because this blogger was invited to spend some time with family. To be fair, he gets similar invites <i>most</i> years but this time, for once, he actually said yes. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Thus, Christmas Day 2023 was be, for those taking notes, the first time since 2012 that Keith Telly Topping enjoyed <i>any</i> form of human company on 25 December. It was also the first time he had visited a relatives gaff on 25 December since, approximately, 2001. <i>And</i>, minor side point, it was also be the first time since 23 April 2005 (and the broadcast of <i>World War Three</i>) that this blogger didn't watch a new <b>Doctor Who</b> episodes live, on BBC1, in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. The last occasion, as it happens, occurred when this blogger was on a cruise around the Mediterranean. Fortunately, recording devices <i>were</i> invented for just such eventualities. <br />
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So this year, this blogger was in Cramlington (via Benton), with various dogs, listening to Wham. All things considered, Keith Telly Topping can confirm that he's had worse Christmas Days. <br />
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Christmas Dinner and Slade. How much more Christmassy could this be? <i>None</i> more Christmassy, dear blog reader, that's how much.<br />
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And it all ended, as he suspected it would, in something approaching a diabetic coma on Boxing Day. <br />
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So, a question for the collective <i>From The North</i> readership. Does eating lots of Strawberry Delights and Orange Cremes from one of those extra-large boxes of Quality Street®™ count towards ones five-a-day, dear blog readers? Asking for ... 'a fiend.'<br />
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You will all, of course, be delighted to know that this blogger got a lift home and arrive back at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House more or less <i>exactly</i> as <i>The Church On Ruby Road</i> was finishing. This blogger's recording device, thankfully, <i>had</i> worked so Keith Telly Topping was able to watch (and adore) the episode straight away - without falling asleep despite being full of Yorkshire pudding, cake, Prosecco and Bailey's - and then post a (somewhat belated) thread about it on his <i>Facebook</i> page. Because, for once, he actually <i>had</i> a social life. Stop sniggering at the back. <br />
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This blogger very much enjoyed the BBC's cheeky write-up for one of the Christmas <b>Only Connect</b> episodes: 'Previous contestants return - professional politicians, including a real, live Conservative MP (<i>correct at the time of recording</i>) face a team of activists.' Again, dear blog reader, this blogger's italics. Cos, these days, those lot seem to have the career-expectancy of the average Spinal Tap drummer.<br />
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New Year's Eve brought a <i>very</i> welcome showing (on <i>From The North </i>favourite Talking Pictures TV) of <b>The Signalman</b>. Not only, according to no lesser an authority than The Doctor, the best short story ever written (by Charles Dickens or, indeed, anyone else for that matter) but, also, the best <b>A Ghost Story For Christmas</b>. By a mile. And <i>still</i> bloody terrifying even all these years later. <br />
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Did you know, dear blog reader, League Two Halifax Town FC, of course, play their football at their home ground, The Shay (hence, their nickname, The Shayman. Sadly for their supporters, Halifax generally speaking are <i>not</i> eezer good, eezer good, eezer good or anything even remotely like it). However, on Sky Sports <b>Soccer Saturday</b> over the Christmas period, Simon Thomas described it - twice - as <i>The Shay Stadium</i>. Named, no about, after the famous Bolivian guerrilla leader, Shay Stadium? Shocked <i>and</i> stunned. <br />
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A geet rive-on in the street outside The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House used to be a fairly regular Saturday night occurrence but one which occurred between Christmas and New year was the first this blogger had heard in a while. There was lots of shouting and screaming and cussin' and kerfuffle, at least one smashed glass something-or-other and someone threatening to ring the police. Sure enough, quite soon The Bobbies' turned up to sort it all out and send these loud and naughty scallywags on their way with a jolly good clip around the ear (although, hopefully, not in a <i>Hot Fuzz</i> kind-of way; we really didn't need Judge Jury & Executioner over what appeared to be a minor, somewhat drunken, domestic incident).<br />
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Now, this blogger <i>knows</i> the following is very much a 'First World Problem' type scenario and he also knows that the situations in the Middle East, Iceland, Ukraine and Prague are <i>so</i> much more important in the great scheme of things. But, nevertheless, for a couple of nights it was doing this blogger's sodding crust in and he needs to vent about it. Storm Pia was, at that time, blowing mightily in a South Westerly directly across Northern Britain. As The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House is on a gable end on our block, it was getting the full brunt of the howling tempest on one wall of the house, the main result of which was that The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bedroom resembled Antarctica. That was okay though, that is what blankets and hot waters bottles are for, after all. But because the front door of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House is also on that particular wall which was getting all the buffeting, The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House door-knocker and letter box were both a-bangin' and a-rattlin' like a ... bangin' and rattlin' thing. And, it was <i>really</i> pissing me off because about every ninety seconds it sounded like someone was knocking at the door. This blogger knew that they were (almost certainly) <i>not</i>, of course, but it still caused him to jump each time it happened and, occasionally, if it was a particularly loud (quasi-)knock, he had to get up and have a look out of the window just to make sure that wasn't an <i>actual</i> knock from an actual person. It was annoying, it was exasperating and this blogger's back was starting to <i>really</i> bloody hurt big-style with all of that up-and-down nonsense. This blogger tried putting some gaffer tape on the inside of the knocker to muffle the thudding but that didn't work well or, indeed, for very long before it fell off and flew away. <br />
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So, this blogger has decided, dear blog reader, that his first - and probably only - resolution of 2024 is that he intends to become a grumpy old ignorant scrote. This is so that he can fit in comfortably with all of the bonehead numbskulls whom he encountered charging around Morrisons on the day after Boxing Day, crashing their shopping trollies (full of alcohol, mostly) into other people and then muttering, darkly, about 'funkin' stoopid old slits who can't get out of my funkin' way.' Keith Telly Topping reckons <i>that's</i> the club to be in these days. <br />
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This blogger is forced to say this here generated image is less 'what Keith Telly Topping would look like as a Viking', as claimed and more 'what Keith Telly Topping <i>does</i> look like, most days, when he has The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House heating off.' <br />
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And so, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, we come to that special part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the One Hundred Years War, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into New Year 2022 <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">feeling pure dead <i>rotten</i></a>; experienced an alarming five day <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received some <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more of them</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; continued to suffer from <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured a second <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which then took <i>ages</i> to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where nothing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">remotely health-related occurred</a>; received further <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; was subject to more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; received yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">blood tests</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a>; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sick note</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some surprising but welcome <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of general <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the 2022 Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into 2023</a>. There was that whole '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; a period of painful night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; getting some new <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">spectacles</a>; returning to the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">East End pool</a>; only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>; felt genuinely <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">wretched</a>; experienced a nasty bout of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">gastroenteritis</a>; had a visit from an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>; did the 'accidentally going out in my <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">slippers</a>' malarkey; saw the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">return</a> of the dreaded insomnia and the dreaded return of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/they-dont-know-what-is-what.html">the fatigue</a>. Had the latest <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/if-its-not-love-then-its-bomb-that-will.html">tri-monthly prickage</a>; plus, yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/death-so-called-is-thing-which-makes.html">sleep disturbances</a>; a further bout of day time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/fudgel-today-shivviness-tomorrow.html">retinology</a>; a bout of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/the-square-on-globe.html">exhaustion</a>; picked up a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/my-long-sickness-of-health-living-now.html">cold virus</a> in the week that he got his latest Covid and influenza inoculations; got through <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/the-department-of-baths-them-be-atles.html">the entire Department Of Baths malarkey</a> (and its <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/sixty.html">sequel</a>) whilst suffering from significant, on-going, back-pain. And, received the welcome news that his latest test for cancer of the colon had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/12/stop-apologising-for-things-youve-never.html">come back negative</a>.<br />
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Things that yer actual Keith Telly Topping learned when having yet more blood drained from his poor, ailing, anaemic body down at the doctors shortly before Christmas. Number one: this blogger does, as previously suspected, have absolutely <i>rubbish</i> veins in both arms. But, the right one is, apparently, marginally better than the left in this regard. Next time the NHS Vampires need to restock their blood supplies from this blogger, he has been told that he should point them in the right direction (literally as well as metaphorically). <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC_tXLea1J_wQdxK_o5iCmGE7SKyWR2fJQyA8ceA0C6OpOQedpG3HYstUmd4v8NnWgC230VRs8DJGyLjCZtTHhNlKwUPDWkCREBAiHlc_xLC1HoLHAFsmM0FbYznFEkH0v1LALiFVgIP7VGVJ8fMolRXZ03-56y5c-PYrxigIzsh1FuIdFTg/s799/08fa9e66cd7667a34158a4ee9d18ad67.png" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="449" data-original-width="799" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC_tXLea1J_wQdxK_o5iCmGE7SKyWR2fJQyA8ceA0C6OpOQedpG3HYstUmd4v8NnWgC230VRs8DJGyLjCZtTHhNlKwUPDWkCREBAiHlc_xLC1HoLHAFsmM0FbYznFEkH0v1LALiFVgIP7VGVJ8fMolRXZ03-56y5c-PYrxigIzsh1FuIdFTg/s320/08fa9e66cd7667a34158a4ee9d18ad67.png" width="320" /></a></div>
Number two: The reason for this particular visit to this blogger's medical professionals was some (slight) concern over certain chemical levels in his kidney functions. Possibly - though not definitely - caused by occasional dehydration (particularly at night). This blogger was told not to worry too much since the abnormal levels were only slightly higher than they should, ideally, be.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzSfrqX-AN64O59njJTeMiGbbVasErm4TYVTiZPdu9wFM2fLwybG-QOIEeZ5PGrsRCGla20dczbrovGJqM0up3YPHxCFBGAoz1ffi1ZDHgkdtcxJk9KATBioz7_4via-vku5mH6_MiypWRvT5BUJb9hz8beVGTryFoA8GgdW3mBuOxIRyUZw/s530/Screen%20Capture%20229.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="420" data-original-width="530" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzSfrqX-AN64O59njJTeMiGbbVasErm4TYVTiZPdu9wFM2fLwybG-QOIEeZ5PGrsRCGla20dczbrovGJqM0up3YPHxCFBGAoz1ffi1ZDHgkdtcxJk9KATBioz7_4via-vku5mH6_MiypWRvT5BUJb9hz8beVGTryFoA8GgdW3mBuOxIRyUZw/s320/Screen%20Capture%20229.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Number three: As Keith Telly Topping had previously suspected (and as, when you think about it, should be flaming self-evident), having blood drawn from you (even just one little test-tube full, like he had) makes one <i>really</i> tired and in need of a three hour afternoon snooze. After which this blogger woke up still feeling like a pin cushion and, one that'd just been slapped around the mush with a bowl of cold custard. <br />
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Number four: People with red hair like this blogger and with his particular pale skin pigmentation not only have a lower tolerance to pain than most others but also, generally, tend to bleed more profusely when suffering an injury (or, in this case, getting an injection). So, whenever someone says 'that Keith Telly Topping, he's <i>a right sodding bleeder</i>' they're not, actually, a million miles off the mark. Had this blogger known any of this previously, of course, he would have spent his entire life's work inventing the world's first working time machine so that he could go back along his ancestry timeline and introduce some of my forebears to people from different climates to spread the DNA gene-pool out a bit. It might've meant Keith Telly Topping got himself erased from history but, at least, it wouldn't knack like buggery every time someone sticks a needle in his arm. <br />
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Number five: The supermarket in Church Walk has moved since this blogger was last down at the Medical Centre several weeks ago. The new shop is quite a bit smaller than the old one but cleaner and much nicer to walk around at ones leisure after you have just suffered the death of a thousand pricks. And, the Post Office shop, more or less next door, which is the only place this blogger knows that still sells packets of KP Discos, had only but two packets left. So, Keith Telly Topping bought both of them. Just on the off-chance that they're the last packets of Discos on the planet. An unlikely possibility, he freely admits, but you can never be <i>too</i> careful. <br />
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Moving on swiftly, we come to the nominees for the <i>From The North</i> Headline Of The Week award. Starting with the <i>Belfast Telegraph</i>'s <a href="https://m.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/courts/ni-judge-hits-out-at-pseudo-legal-nonsense-after-defendant-insists-he-is-a-supreme-being/a90840192.html"><i>NI Judge Hits Out At "Pseudo-Legal Nonsense" After Defendant Insists He Is A "Supreme Being"</i></a>. <br />
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Next, someone at the <i>Metro</i> seemed to be having fun on New Year's Day. <br />
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Not only that but, also, they've seemingly obtained <a href="https://metro.co.uk/2024/01/02/woman-convinced-found-freddie-mercury-rocking-spoon-20050594">definitive proof of the existence of The Afterlife</a> in their ground-breaking story <i>Woman Convinced She's Found Freddie Mercury Rocking Out In Her Spoon</i>. Yes, dear, <i>of course</i> you have.<br />
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Meanwhile, <i>My London</i> had what was, clearly, the most important story of the last few weeks, bat none.<br />
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The <i>Stoke Sentinel's</i> <a href="https://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/news/stoke-on-trent-news/oaps-fury-pothole-huge-amazon-9008456"><i>OAP's Fury As Pothole So Huge Amazon Driver Falls In & Soaks Parcel</i></a> is a classic example of Twenty First Century victim-blaming in concentrating more a wet parcel and less on the poor bloke who could've broken his sodding neck falling down a pothole whilst merely trying to do his job and deliver the damned thing. One trusts your mothers are all very proud of you. <br />
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Following that, <a href="https://www.kentonline.co.uk/tonbridge/news/krispy-kreme-van-gets-wedged-under-bridge-299390/"><i>Kent Online</i>'s <i>Krispy Kreme Van Blocks Strawberry Vale Between Vale Road & Priory Road In Tonbridge</i></a> is also worthy of consideration. You can't park <i>there</i>, mate.<br />
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Plus, of course, we couldn't even <i>have</i> a Headline Of The Week award in the first place without <a href="https://gb.readly.com/magazines/heat/2023-03-21-1/6416006a8da9ca02703cb291">this beauty</a> from that bastion of utterly brilliant journalistic excellence, <i>Heat</i> magazine. <br />
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Richard Franklin, who died on Christmas Day aged eighty seven, was an essential part of the popular, long-running BBC family SF drama <b>Doctor Who</b> during one of its most-loved periods, with Jon Pertwee as the third incarnation of the Time Lord. Franklin debuted in the 1971 serial <i>Terror Of The Autons</i> as the dashing Captain Mike Yates, bringing authenticity (he <i>had</i> served as a captain in the territorial army's Queen Victoria's Rifles), a natural military bearing and an appealing twinkle to the part. With The Doctor exiled to Earth and serving a scientific adviser to the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce, a regular line-up of supporting characters was needed. Yates was originally introduced as a possible love interest for The Doctor’s new companion Jo Grant (Katy Manning), but romance never quite blossomed. Instead he enjoyed some interesting character development, for example going undercover to infiltrate the highly suspicious Global Chemicals in 1973's memorable six-parter <i>The Green Death</i>, eventually betraying The Doctor in <i>Invasion Of The Dinosaurs</i> (1974), idealistically allying himself with a group of Middle Class hippy liberals trying to return Earth to a pre-technological golden age. Franklin always felt the character to be misguided rather than treacherous. In his last regular story, <i>Planet Of The Spiders</i> (1974), Yates achieved redemption when he stumbled across malignant intelligent arachnids infesting the Buddhist retreat where he had sought enlightenment. Franklin never severed ties with the show, and returned in the celebratory twentieth anniversary story <i>The Five Doctors</i> (1983) and a <b>Children In Need</b> 'special' (and, one uses that word quite wrongly), <i>Dimensions In Time</i> (1993). He also wrote, directed and appeared in a spin-off caper, <i>Recall UNIT</i> (1984), at the Edinburgh Fringe, wrote a novel featuring Yates called <i>The Killing Stone</i> (released as an audiobook in 2002 and retitled <i>Operation HATE</i> when published in print in 2013) and starred in audio productions for both Big Finish and the BBC (the latter teaming Yates with Tom Baker). Yates was not his only television success – in 1988 he joined <b>Emmerdale Farm</b> as the ruthless businessman Denis Rigg, who quickly developed into a hated villain before being given a suitably grisly demise a year later, gored to death by a bull. Richard Kimber Franklin was born in Marylebone the eldest son of Richard, a surgeon and his wife, Helen. He attended Westminster school before national service in the Royal Green Jackets. He subsequently studied history at Christ Church, Oxford and spent three years working in advertising. The illness and near death of his brother, Peter, prompted an epiphany and he applied to study at RADA, where he won the Jenny Laird prize for outstanding achievement playing a small part. After graduation in 1965 Franklin spent a number of years in repertory theatre as an actor and occasional director. In 1973 he was appointed director of East Riding youth theatre in Beverley and later became associate director of the Grand theatre, Swansea (1976) and the Renaissance Theatre, Cumbria (1977). He also directed drama students from Rada, Webber Douglas and Mountview and was a dogged campaigner for the support and survival of regional theatre. Aside from <b>Doctor Who</b>, <b>Emmerdale Farm</b> and a thirty six-episode stint in <b>Crossroads</b> (1969), his TV roles were relatively humble, though he had decent parts in Julian Doyle's films <i>Chemical Wedding</i> (2008) and <i>Twilight Of The Gods</i> (2013, as Richard Wagner) and added the <i>Star Wars</i> franchise to his SF roster with an appearance in the 2016 blockbuster <i>Rogue One</i>. His CV also included appearances in <b>Dixon Of Dock Green</b> (his TV debut in 1966), <b>The Saint</b>, <b>The Doctors</b>, <b>Blake's 7</b>, <b>The Borgias</b>, <b>The Gambling Man</b>, <b>Heartbeat</b> and <b>The Hindsight Bias</b>. At heart though, he was a man of the theatre: he was the Narrator in a European tour of <i>The Rocky Horror Show</i> (1990); understudied and occasionally played Arthur Kipps in the long-running West End production of <i>The Woman In Black</i>; was a prolific player of pantomime and a hard-working producer of his own work at the Edinburgh fringe, writing numerous plays over many years, often with satirical or political intent. He stood for parliament several times, first as an Independent (Twickenham, 1970) and later as a Liberal Democrat (Sheffield Brightside, 1992). By 1997 he had switched allegiance to the Referendum party (Hackney South and Shoreditch) and in 2001 he represented the UK Independence party in Hove. He later founded the short-lived Silent Majority party and outlined his political ideology in a 2003 book <i>Forest Wisdom: Radical Reform Of Democracy & The Welfare State</i>. A deeply religious man, his faith journey was similarly emblematic of his willingness to explore all options and he converted from Protestantism to Roman Catholicism late in life. He spent his last years as a resident of the Charterhouse almshouse in Central London, continuing to fulfil <b>Doctor Who</b>-related commitments until he was too ill to do so. <br />
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Glynis Johns, the TONY Award-winning stage and screen star who played the mother opposite Julie Andrews in <i>Mary Poppins</i>, has died aged one hundred. She died on Thursday at an assisted living home in Los Angeles of natural causes, according to her manager. Johns also introduced the world to the bittersweet '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOerswMvjOY">Send in the Clowns</a>' by the American composer and lyricist Stephen Sondheim, who wrote the song for her role as Desiree Armfeldt in <i>A Little Night Music</i> on Broadway, for which she won a TONY in 1973. Sondheim wrote the show's hit song to suit Johns' distinctive husky voice, but she lost the part in the 1977 film version to Elizabeth Taylor. 'I've had other songs written for me, but nothing like that,' Johns told the Associated Press in 1990. 'It's the greatest gift I've ever been given in the theatre.' In a statement, her manager, Mitch Clem, said: 'My heart is heavy today with the passing of my beloved client Glynis Johns. Glynis powered her way through life with intelligence, wit and a love for performance, affecting millions of lives.' He added: 'She entered my life early in my career and set a very high bar on how to navigate this industry with grace, class and truth. Your own truth. Her light shined very brightly for one hundred years. She had a wit that could stop you in your tracks powered by a heart that loved deeply and purely. Today is a sombre day for Hollywood. Not only do we mourn the passing of our dear Glynis, but we mourn the end of the golden age of Hollywood.' Johns was known to be a perfectionist about her profession and insisted the roles she took were multi-faceted. 'As far as I'm concerned, I'm not interested in playing the role on only one level,' she told the AP. 'The whole point of first-class acting is to make a reality of it. To be real. And I have to make sense of it in my own mind in order to be real.' Johns was nominated for an Oscar for her role in 1960 film <i>The Sundowners</i> and starred alongside Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor and Peter O’Toole in <i>Under Milk Wood</i>. She made a number of TV appearances, and starred in her own sitcom <b>Glynis</b> in 1963. Later on in her career, she played the role of the kooky and fragile grandmother in the 1995 romantic comedy <i>While You Were Sleeping</i>. She played the grandma again in her final role in the 1999 film <i>Superstar</i>, starring Molly Shannon.<br />
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David Soul, best known for his role in the television series <b>Starsky & Hutch</b>, has died at the age of eighty. His wife, Helen Snell said he died on Thursday 'after a valiant battle for life in the loving company of family. He shared many extraordinary gifts in the world as actor, singer, storyteller, creative artist and dear friend,' she said. 'His smile, laughter and passion for life will be remembered by the many whose lives he has touched.' The US-born actor was best known for his role as Detective Ken Hutchinson in the classic crime-solving series <b>Starsky & Hutch</b>. He starred opposite Paul Michael Glaser in the series, which ran from 1975 to 1979. He and Glaser reprised their roles in the (really bloody awful) 2004 big-screen remake, starring Ben Stiller as Starsky and Owen Wilson as Hutch. Soul was also known for his roles in <i>Magnum Force</i>, <i>The Yellow Rose</i> and the acclaimed TV adaptation of Stephen King's <b>Salem's Lot</b>. Having become based in the UK in the 1980s, he also appeared in several British television programmes including <b>Holby City</b>, <b>Little Britain</b> and <b>Lewis</b>. In 2004 he obtained British citizenship. But he turned down the chance and the lucrative pay cheque to appear on reality television shows, telling <i>The Sunday Times</i>: 'These days anybody is a celebrity and, frankly, there's nothing to celebrate.' The actor and singer, who was married five times, was arrested in the 1980s for attacking his then wife, Patti Carnel Sherman, who was seven months pregnant at the time. It was his first offence and charges against him were dropped after he completed a probationary diversion programme. Soul later spoke of his regret and visited prisons to talk to inmates about domestic violence. Born in Chicago in August 1943 as David Solberg, he spent his childhood between South Dakota and post-Second World War Berlin. His father Doctor Richard Solberg, a professor of history and political science and an ordained minister, moved them to West Germany where he was a religious affairs adviser to the US high commission. Before he found fame as an actor, Soul started his professional career as a folk singer, warming up audiences for acts like Frank Zappa, The Byrds, and The Lovin' Spoonful. He picked up an interest in music as a teenager in Mexico, where his father was a professor at a college for young diplomats. There, he was befriended by a group of radical students who gave him a guitar and taught him the indigenous songs of Mexico. Upon his return to the US, he found some success playing around Minneapolis - but it was only when he donned a mask and hid his face that his career really took off. As The Covered Man, he was signed by the William Morris Agency and appeared on the TV talk show circuit, including multiple appearances on the highly rated <b>Merv Griffin Show</b>. But when he decided to lose the mask and reveal himself, bookings dwindled and he turned to acting instead. Soul appeared in <b>Star Trek</b>, <b>Here Come The Brides</b>, <b>Perry Mason</b> and <b>Johnny Got His Gun</b>, throughout the 1960s and 1970s. He got his big break as officer John Davis in Clint Eastwood's <i>Magnum Force</i>, the sequel to <i>Dirty Harry</i>, which subsequently led to the role in <b>Starsky & Hutch</b>. Later, after the success of <b>Starsky & Hutch</b>, he returned to music, putting out four LPs of not entirely unappealing soft rock ballads in the late 1970s. They produced two UK number one singles, '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pGN-YYiqXI">Silver Lady</a>' (one of this blogger's genuine twenty four-carat guilty pleasures) and 'Don't Give Up On Us', snapped up by adoring fans of his TV persona. A <i>New York Times</i> review of his first post-fame concert in 1977 described 'camera‐wielding teenage girls charging the stage' amidst 'the flicker of hundreds of exploding flashcubes and a continual squealing.' The fervour ended after his arrest and rehab, after which he only recorded one further CD - 1997's self-released <i>Leave a Light On</i>. Soul was married five times, including to actresses Sherman, Mirriam Solberg, Karen Carlson and Julia Nickson and had six children. He met Snell while performing in <i>Deathtrap</i>, when she was doing public relations for the play and described her as his 'soulmate'. <br />
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Our ideas of the colours of the planets Neptune and Uranus have been wrong all this time, research led by UK astronomers reveals. Images from the Voyager II mission in the 1980s showed Neptune to be a rich blue and Uranus green. But a study has discovered that the two ice giants are actually both similar shades of a sort of pale greenish-blue. Turquoise, if you like. It has emerged that the earlier images of Neptune had been enhanced to show details of the planet's atmosphere, which altered its true colours. Just like Cyndi Lauper claimed. 'They did something that I think everyone on <i>Instagram</i> will have done at some time in their life, they tweaked the colours,' Professor Catherine Heymans, Astronomer Royal for Scotland and a University of Edinburgh astrophysics professor, told BBC Radio 4's <i>Today</i>. 'They accentuated the blue just to reveal the features that you can see in Neptune's atmosphere and that's why the image looks <i>very</i> blue, but in reality, Neptune is actually pretty similar to Uranus.' Astronomers have long known that most modern images of the two planets do not accurately reflect their true colours, according to Professor Patrick Irwin from the University of Oxford, who led the research. 'Even though the artificially saturated colour was known at the time amongst planetary scientists - and the images were released with captions explaining it - that distinction had become lost over time.' Doctor Robert Massey, deputy director of the Royal Astronomical Society, explained that enhancing images was normal procedure in astronomical research. 'You would be foolish to look at an astronomy image and not think it was enhanced. They have to be, because that is how they are processed in order to see things. It's not that there was any conspiracy to keep it from the public!' Or, is that just what they <i>want</i> us to believe, dear blog reader? Professor Irwin and his team processed the original data to produce what is claimed to be 'the most accurate representation yet' of the colour of both Neptune and Uranus. The initial misconception arose because images captured of both planets by NASA's Voyager II spacecraft recorded its images in three separate colours. The images were recombined to create the composite colour images, which were not always accurately balanced. The contrast was also strongly enhanced to bring out details in the clouds, bands and winds of the planets. In the recent study, the researchers used data from the Hubble Space Telescope Imaging Spectrograph and the Multi Unit Spectroscopic Explorer on the European Southern Observatory's Very Large Telescope. In both instruments, each pixel is a continuous spectrum of colours which enables the researchers to produce the true colours of both planets. The analysis revealed that Uranus and Neptune are a similar shade of greenish-blue, although researchers found a slight difference. Neptune has a hint of additional blue, which the model reveals to be because of a thinner haze layer on that planet. The study also showed that Uranus appears a little greener during its summer and winter, when one of its poles is pointed towards the Sun. But during spring and autumn, when the Sun is over the equator, it has a bluer tinge. The research has been published in the Monthly <i>Notices of the RAS</i>.<br />
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A venomous snake has been <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-australia-67879501">found</a> 'lurking' (like a nasty lurking lurker) in public lavatory in Australia. Oh, no! No, no, no, no, <i>no</i>! This blogger doesn't know about any of you lot, dear blog readers, but he's never going ... <i>ever again</i>. It doesn't matter how much he wants to. As this blogger pointed out to one of his dear <i>Facebook</i> fiends, Big Jim Stafford's '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8H4XKwat7s">I Don't Like Spiders & Snakes</a>' really would be a far more appropriate anthem for them Aussies than 'Advance Australian Fair'. <br />
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Sad to report, dearest blog reader, that <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqZVNzPR8PI">a long-forgotten part of this blogger's extremely shady TV past</a> has popped up on <i>YouTube</i> again. Oh heavens, Keith Telly Topping thought he'd gotten the BBC to burn every last copy of that abomination. <i>Well-nasty</i> shirt, though, isn't it? I mean, <i>isn't it</i>? <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader. Did you know that on Saturday 13 February 1954 Edmundo Ros & His Caribbean Orchestra's classic calypso, '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_dqbT5_Sm4">Football, Football</a>' c/w 'Cup Final' was released on a Decca Records seventy-eight (it was 'a thing' before MP3-streaming. Ask your grandparents). Of the numerous English football teams mentioned in the lyrics of the song, The Arsenal drew one-all with Cardiff City, this blogger's beloved Newcastle United beat Burnley three-one (with Ivor Broadis and Jackie Milburn on-target), Spurs lost two-nil at Manchester United (Ramsey and Ditchburn, sadly, being unable to prevent defeat), Blackpool ('the greatest team in Britain') thrashed Sunderland three-nil ('the great right-winger Matthews' setting up two for Allan Brown), West Bromwich Albion (who, it was claimed, were 'going places' and 'have some guys with the cutest faces') defeated Sheffield Wednesday four-two to remain at the top of the league ahead of Wolverhampton Wanderers who lost four-two at 'problem' Chelsea. Huddersfield Town won three-nil at Middlesbrough, Portsmouth thrashed Manchester City four-one, Bolton Wanderers lost two-nil at Preston North End, Charlton Athletic won three-two at Liverpool and Aston Villa's game with one of the few First Division sides <i>not</i> mentioned in the song, Sheffield United, was postponed due to a waterlogged pitch. 'Continue, my friends!' <br />
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Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-72306973475876734102023-12-21T06:02:00.003+00:002023-12-21T10:09:32.314+00:00"It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, Allegedly"<div style="text-align: justify;">
Welcome, you dearest bloggeriationism fiends all, to what is probably going to be (unless this blogger decides to write another one) the final <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update for 2023. A year that was, as we say Oop North, 'a right-shite state of affairs' in oh, so many ways for oh so much of the time. Though, it did have one or two moments that weren't quite a monumentally 'orrible as most. There was sixty minutes on 25 November, for instance. And another hour on 2 December and sixty <i>five</i> minutes on 9 December. <i>They</i> were quite good. There was also <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">the <i>From The North</i> Best and Worst Telly Of 2023 bloggerisationism</a>, Keith Telly Topping quite enjoyed compiling that over a period of a couple of months. And this blogger had a jolly nice evening with relatives to celebrate his birthday. That's about <i>it</i>, really. If this blogger can remember any further examples, he'll be sure to let you all know before the end of this bloggerisationism update. But, to be honest, he's struggling to think of any. <br />
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Speaking of that nice evening with relatives, Keith Telly Topping will also be spending at least a part of Christmas Day this year doing exactly that. It will, for those taking notes, be the first time since 2011 that this blogger has enjoyed <i>any</i> human company on 25 December (something which, incidentally, was entirely his own choice and which he regrets not in the slightest). It will also be the first time he has visited a relative's gaff for dinner on 25 December since, he believes, 2001. And it will also be the first time since 23 April 2005 (and the broadcast of <i>World War Three</i>) that he hasn't watched a new <b>Doctor Who</b> episodes live, in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. The last occasion was when he was on holiday in Madeira. Fortunately, recording devices <i>have</i> been invented for just such an eventuality.<br />
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So, in preparation for the coming season of goodwill to some men and one or two dogs, firstly, this blogger got The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House Christmas decorations sorted for another year. <br />
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Then, this blogger arranged for the delivery of a bottle of Bailey's and a big tin of sweeties so that he would be able to blissfully collapse into a diabetic coma by Boxing Day and avoid the final few days of the year. <br />
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Totally worth it, if you ask this blogger. At least, until he needs to get one of his feet amputated, obviously. <i>Then</i>, it becomes one of those things in life which one bitterly regrets. A bit like the decision to buy <i>anything</i> The Police released after <i>Reggatta De Blanc</i>. <i>Very</i> like that, in fact. Quality Street®™ really ought to use that as one of their advertising slogans. 'Eat chocolates until you forget how shite Sting became after 1979.' <br />
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Ultimately, of course, it was time to invite a couple of old fiends around to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House to celebrate the holidays. <br />
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We promptly settled down to watch ITV4's traditional showing of <i>Where Eagles Dare</i>. Because, as previously noted (many times) on this blog, <i>nothing</i> says Christmas like Clint and Dicky mowing down half the Wehrmacht whilst only sustaining one, minor, hand injury between the two of them. <br />
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Then Ms Santa rocked up. Which was nice. <br />
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This blogger was <i>particularly</i> pleased with one of the presents that he was gifted this year. Especially as he already had the previous twenty one volumes in the set. <br />
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Sadly, dear blog reader, it wasn't <i>all</i> fun and frivolity at The Stately Telly Topping Manor; there was, for instance, one <i>awful</i> evening where the worst of the Twenty First Century threatened to naff-right-up all the good-spirit which December had seen this blogger's general demeanour thus far occupy. And, inevitably, it came about through the endeavours of the good old Interweb. This blogger's <i>big</i> mistake, which he now recognises fully, was to venture onto a <i>Facebook</i> thread in which someone that this blogger knows (in fact, several someones) were talking, very positively, about the recent trio of <b>Doctor Who</b> episodes. The ones covered in the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/12/stop-apologising-for-things-youve-never.html">most recent</a> <i>From The North</i> update which this blogger, also, thought were - collectively <i>and </i>individually - great. Of course, this being <b>Doctor Who </b>fandom, it didn't take very long to find some contrary views on offer. Because, there's a 'y' in the day. Not just normal 'I didn't like them too much, myself,' stuff which is entirely fine (<i>wrong</i>, let it be noted, but still fine). But, rather ... well, the kind of monobrow'd, scummish waste-of-space nonsense that you'd expect from <i>those sort of people</i>. You know the ones this blogger means. Of <i>course</i> you do. Take, for example, some bloke who may (or may not) have been called The Tarrant (he could, admittedly, have been a character from a Terry Nation six-parter. Perhaps we'll never care). 'I've stopped watching due to the <i>dreadful woke agenda</i> of the current showrunner in his casting choices' suggested this, no doubt perfect specimen of humanity at its finest. This blogger <i>really</i> should have left it alone but, just at that particular moment, he didn't feel like giving one of <i>those sort of people</i> a free pass to be an arsehole in public and get away with it. 'Sorry, I have to clarify exactly what part of the casting of Ncuti Gatwa you consider to be "<i>woke</i>"' this blogger began, gurning horribly at having to use the hateful, agenda-soaked 'w' word - the last refuge of the morally bankrupt. 'Is it because he's black? In which case, you're a racist moron. Is it because he's gay? In which case, you're a homophobic moron? Is it because he's black <i>and</i> gay? In which case, you're a racist <i>and</i> a homophobic moron. Or, is it because you don't think he's a very good actor? In which case, you're <i>just</i> a moron.' This blogger then invited this worthless puddle of noxious phlegm to provide (using graphs if necessary) an explanation for exactly which sick and ugly prejudice it was that he was suffering from and inflicting upon the information superhighway. Mercifully, this blogger did not receive any form of reply from this louse - is it too much to hope that he was so ashamed by having to confront his own bigotry that he was rendered, temporarily, mute by the process? Personally, this blogger doubts it because those sort of disgraceful, sick <i>cretins</i> appears to have <i>no</i> concept of shame. However, this blogger did get <i>one</i> reply, from someone who may (or may not) be called The Horn (admittedly, that could be the pseudonym which this chap uses when appearing in examples of softcore moistness). The Horn claimed that this blogger had demonstrated an uncomfortable intolerance towards someone criticising a casting decision and suggested that this blogger - rather than the odious clown who'd made the comments in the first place - was an example of 'everything that is wrong with the Internet.' <i>Au contraire</i> (that's yer actual French, that is), this blogger countered, Keith Telly Topping did <i>not</i> question the criticism of a casting decision; rather, he questioned the criticism of an, allegedly, '<i>woke</i>' casting decision. This blogger then repeated that he still wished to know exactly <i>what</i> constituted this alleged 'wokeness' and invited The Horn to reply on behalf of The Tarrant if the latter was unable or unwilling, as it appeared, to stomach the job. Keith Telly Topping added that this blogger has his own opinions on the subject of 'everything that is wrong with the Interweb' and they do not, necessarily, agree with those of The Horn. Then, after waiting for a few hours and getting no further curt lip from either of these waste-of-oxygen plonkers, this blogger took the entirely satisfactory decision to dump the pair of them into his <i>Facebook</i> block-file along with all of the other stinking turds. A fate which they share, incidentally, with all bigots and all apologists for bigots. It was, nevertheless, a sad little incident which left a really sour and <i>nasty</i> taste in the mouth for some time afterwards, dear blog reader. But, a jolly useful reminder of something we have discussed on this blog on previous occasions. There are some good people in the world, dear blog readers. There are some rotten, horrible people. Most of us fall into neither category; we're just somewhere in the middle trying to get through life as quietly as possible without getting snarled at by crass, ignorant meatheads. Then, dear blog reader, there are some people who are just, simply, <i>scum</i>. And, sadly, many of them have access to a keyboard and a wireless connection. <i>That</i>, if you were wondering dear blog reader, is what <i>this blogger</i> considers to be 'everything that is wrong with the Interweb.' Glad to have been able to clear up the confusion. <br />
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This blogger is sure that Big Rusty himself would have something charming and witty to say on the subject. Quite apart from telling The Tarrant and The Horn to, the pair of them, get a new brains; because the ones they have are narrow and <i>full of shit</i>. <br />
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<i>From The North</i>: Slapping down with great vengeance examples of shitty bigotry and crass intolerance (both within and outside <b>Doctor Who</b> fandom) since 2006. It's what we do. <br />
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There was a significant arrival at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House this very week just in time for Garry Crimble to put the trace of a smile back onto Keith Telly Topping's ugly mush. A positive book of positive reviews of <b>Doctor Who</b> stories written by positive <b>Doctor Who</b> fans (well, <i>that'll</i> never catch on). Guaranteed <i>not</i> to feature anything whatsoever by the likes of The Tarrant or The Horn or any of their ilk (there's a Dave Gorman joke in there if anyone wishes to idly wonder when The Tarrant or The Horn first <i>got</i> their pet elks). If you call yourselves one or several <b>Doctor Who</b> fans and you haven't already purchased a copy of this brilliant book from <a href="https://www.atbpublishing.com/product/outside-in-regenerates-163-new-new-perspectives-on-163-classic-doctor-who-stories-by-163-writers/#:~:text=OUTSIDE%20IN%20REGENERATES%20is%20a,cover%20copy%20coming%20soon!%29">those lovely people at ATP Publishing</a>, then you're just not cutting it, frankly. That's what Keith Telly Topping reckons, anyway. Buy one today and tell 'em this blogger sent you. <br />
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A warning, however: This book <i>may</i> contain traces of Keith Telly Topping at his most quasi-academic, egregious and passively introspective. In fact, not may, it <i>does</i>. Just so you know in advance. <br />
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Having waited at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House all Wednesday morning for that to arrive, dear blog reader, this blogger was then able to limp down to the bus stop and go to Byker to get the Christmas weekly shopping in. On the way home, there was some woman on the bus telling whomsoever she was on the phone to that she was 'having a fuggin' nervous breakdown, here' and, seemingly, extremely keen to let the whole bus (and beyond) know about it, too. This blogger almost suggested that she should say it a bit louder as, Keith Telly Topping believed, there were one or two people in <i>Sunderland</i> who didn't quite catch it.<br />
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To somewhat happier <b>Doctor Who</b> news and, on the Monday after the broadcast of <i>The Giggle</i>, this blogger did another down-the-line piece for BBC Newcastle about the episode and the forthcoming Ncuti Christmas with the very lovely Emma Millan and the every-bit-as-lovely Nick Roberts. This is getting to be somewhat habit-forming. In case anybody wishes to have a listen to this blogger being rather inarticulate and gushing about <i>The Giggle</i>, David, Ncuti, Neil Patrick Harris (questionable German accent notwithstanding) and Russell you can check out the episode of <i>BBC Sounds</i> <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0gv519m?fbclid=IwAR22qtygFSkZhVLBiOCQXCttKOp8Q_EPQM6UCn2WMxx1yvhCNRyKf6T5UMU">here</a>. It will be available until around 10 January. This blogger is on approximately one hour and forty minutes into the episode - Keith Telly Topping features immediately after Olivia Rodrigo. Warning: This radio broadcast, in addition to including numerous traces of Keith Telly Topping, <i>also</i> includes goblins singing! You <i>can't</i> say your weren't warned.<br />
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<i>Oi! You've got my pants</i>. <br />
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For the first time in six years, <b>Doctor Who</b> is part of BBC1's Christmas Day line-up. You may have heard about it. And, there's a new Doctor taking control of the TARDIS. You may have noticed <i>that</i>, too. <i>Those</i> sort of people certainly did. And, they're <i>not</i> happy about it, seemingly. Ncuti Gatwa's Doctor has already been seen in action, when he appeared earlier this month in the final special featuring David Tennant's tenure. But the Christmas Day special, <i>The Church Of Ruby Street</i>, is Ncuti's first full episode, an occasion when the BBC expects millions to sit down with their families to watch and enjoy. Except for this blogger, obviously, as - like as not - he will be sitting down with his family to watch whatever's on ITV at the time and then watching the episode when he gets back home. It is not surprising that Ncuti, who has been filming his first series for most of this year and is currently working on a second, has spent a lot of that time feeling anxious about the weight of expectation. 'It's daunting taking on a role with a lot of history, which is where my anxiety has come from. Because you want to do a good job, because the show lives in people's hearts,' he told the <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67728383">BBC</a>. 'Rightfully so, because it's a magical show. And it is our show, it is a British show. It's part of our family. And you don't want to let the family down. And so, yeah, I was very nervous to keep this beloved sacred thing beloved and sacred.' Ncuti, who made his name as one of the stars of Netflix hit <b>Sex Education</b>, was announced as the new Doctor in May 2022 and began filming this February. He says that the anxiety, not helped by such a long build-up, has never really gone away. 'From the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to bed, it's anxiety,' he claims. 'But, people tell me that it means that I care. And I do, I love the show massively. It is also hard. It's a hard role. It's a prestigious role, which means that it is complex and difficult. And I'm just trying to do my best. Hopefully I've done that. But, you're anxious to do a good job.' All this is said with a huge smile and is interspersed with laughter - giving the clear impression that he isn't letting these feelings diminish how much he's been enjoying playing an alien exploring time and space. And, like his predecessors (well, most of them anyway), he has brought something different to the role. Early in the Christmas special, he is seen dancing and whirling on a nightclub dancefloor, filled with euphoria and excitement. It has been suggested that, among the new elements he's brought to this incarnation of The Doctor, incredible passion, energy and perhaps a youthful sexiness are amongst them. 'Do I?' he wonders. 'Cool! I think we've all been sexy in our own way. I think I've just tried to bring energy and fun.' There is certainly an abundance of that in the story, which sees The Doctor and his new companion, Ruby Sunday (played by the extremely photogenic Millie Gibson) take on a shipload of singing and dancing goblins. 'We are bringing a little musical flair to this Christmas special,' Nctui suggests. More seriously, it's inevitable that his casting as the first black actor to take on the show's lead role will be seen as symbolic. Particularly <i>those </i>sort of people who aren't a big fan of 'woke' and want everyone to know it. 'I think it means that we're here and we're not going anywhere,' Ncuti says. 'I mean, <b>Doctor Who</b> is a show that kind of reflects where Britain is at, in a way, because it's so quintessentially British. It's been on our screens for so long, it's a bit of a mirror to where we are in society. So I think it's showing that we're here and we're part of the cultural landscape. And we're not going anywhere.' That sound you hear, dear blog reader, is the sound of <i>those </i>sort of people grinding their teeth and muttering, darkly, about ... stuff. Ncuti was born in Rwanda in 1992, during the country's civil war. His family fled to the UK when he was two and he grew up first in Edinburgh, then in Dunfermline. It is something that, he says, has helped him relate to a character who shares a sense of displacement. 'I think at many times in my life I have felt like an alien,' he says. 'A kid like me growing up in Scotland - there's been many times I felt like an alien and so I feel like I get it. It's always a joy to get a character like that in which you're able to draw on elements of your own life, your own upbringing and deliver them through the character, because fundamentally it just comes out more truthfully.' His first full series will be broadcast in 2024 (probably from around Easter although that hasn't yet been confirmed). What can Ncuti tell fans about what might be coming up? 'I can't,' he laughs. 'Please don't get me in trouble now. I'm so bad with spoilers. Don't do this to me!' But he is more willing to reflect on his experience so far of playing such a well-known role. 'How I felt playing it was, yes, joyous and triumphant and [I] just loved it. Quite simply loved it.' <i>The Church On Ruby Road</i> is on BBC1 on Christmas Day. This blogger believes it's going to be <i>great</i>. <br />
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Meanwhile, the BBC have released a series of new publicity shots from <i>The Church On Ruby Road</i> including <i>this</i> one with Millie at the speed of sound rocking that classic Linda McCartney-<i>Wings Over The World</i> Tour-pose. Can you do the solo from 'Live & Let Die' next, Millie, love. <br />
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On 25 October 2022, the BBC announced that, for the 2023 Specials and the series beyond, they would be joining forces with Disney Branded Television 'to transform <b>Doctor Who</b> into a global franchise by bringing the series to Disney+. Under a shared creative vision' that will 'deliver this quintessentially British show to future generations on an unprecedented scale.' From November 2023, the BBC will provide new episodes of <b>Doctor Who</b> to the UK and Ireland. Elsewhere in the world, new episodes will be distributed by and premiere on Disney+. 'It's glorious,' Russell Davies <a href="https://cultbox.co.uk/news/disneys-role-in-doctor-who-production-clarified">told <i>DWM</i></a>. 'It's worth saying that, to begin with, the entire impetus for that was from the BBC. It was their next future for <b>Doctor Who</b>. That was decided before any of us came on board.' 'It was always needed - how do you make a show like this, in 2022, without that co-producing partner?' Julie Gardner added. 'But it wasn't a shoo-in, because the market is really complicated and cut-throat. You know, I felt frightened: "Are we going to find someone? How do we do this?" There were a lot of things to work through.' 'That's where we had the support of the BBC, actually,' Big Rusty clarified. 'The BBC backed <b>Doctor Who</b> before anyone, a streamer, had been signed up. That's what drew us in ' the BBC's commitment to making this series come Hell or high water.' 'Our task was to find a partner who understood both the particularity of <b>Doctor Who</b>, but also how that particularity could resonate across the world - and how to do that without ruining the particularity,' added Jane Tranter. 'Disney+, they were the best in class.' The executive producers explained how this collaboration between the BBC and Disney won't cause <b>Doctor Who</b> to lose its individuality, Britishness, or magic. 'Russell's vision is very, very clear and it's very British and it's everything [<i>DWM</i>] readers will want it to be,' Gardner explained. 'The BBC own <b>Doctor Who</b> and the huge strength of <b>Doctor Who</b> for Disney+ is the title, having a known brand,' Gardner added. 'Having that commitment from the BBC in terms of UK funding - that's all very appealing. [At] Bad Wolf, what we understand the show to be and [why] we're here [is] to serve Russell's vision. Disney is marvellous. They care about the show and they love Russell's vision. It's a proper working relationship, but their hearts and souls are true.' 'Bad Wolf is so internationally renowned now,' Phil Collinson added. 'If any production company is going to embody the spirit of the expansion of this brand and everything Russell wants to bring to it, it is Bad Wolf. The fearless way they've arrived in this industry and taken it by storm is amazing. So <b>Doctor Who</b> couldn't be in a better place.' Big Rusty revealed in the same interview that a Disney+ executive who toured the one hundred and twenty five thousand square feet of space at Wolf Studios was 'properly gobsmacked' by it. 'I know people are, naturally, worried about American producers having notes on things,' Davies continued. 'Don't be. They're giving excellent notes. And I'm here to tell you, you haven't watched a drama on British television in twenty years that hasn't had American notes on it. Everything is a co-production. Watch the credits. All your favourite dramas have American co-producers.' Some examples of notes from Disney were given in the interview. 'They sent us a note on Episode One [of Ncuti's first series] that said, "That opening isn't as much fun as the other episodes," Rusty revealed. 'It was a <i>great</i> note. So I've written a new opening.' 'An <i>expensive</i> new opening,' Collinson added. 'And it's broken everyone's backs,' Rusty continued. 'But it's absolutely worth doing.' The producers also sought to debunk a press story, first reported by <i>Broadcast</i>, which claimed that the budget for each episode could triple to as much as ten million knicker. 'That has been exaggerated,' Big Rusty claimed. 'If that <i>was</i> the budget, I'd be speaking to you from my base on The Moon. That is <i>not</i> the budget and I worry that misinformation like that creates false expectation. Nonetheless, we have a lovely, handsome budget and we're very happy with how we're proceeding with it.' 'It's a really good budget for us,' added Tranter. 'But we are not <b>Game Of Thrones</b>, or <b>The Rings Of Power</b>.' 'I still spend seventy five per cent of my day in meetings, trying to work out how many monsters we can afford and how we can make it look like we've got twice as many, how we can revamp that set and re-use it, how do we take these massive, ambitious, brilliant, gorgeous scripts and make them absolutely the best we possibly can for the money we've got,' Collinson continued. 'Which is what Verity Lambert was doing in 1963. It's always been a show that reaches beyond its means and pushes every creative person.' <br />
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<b>Doctor Who</b> is back, bigger than ever before. <a href="https://rts.org.uk/article/doctor-who-time-lord-streaming-era">RTS Cymru Wales</a> was first off the mark, hosting a premiere for <i>The Star Beast</i> in Cardiff two days before the show returned to the BBC. It was also sixty years to the day since the Time Lord first appeared on TV. Of course, he wasn't 'the Time Lord' then, just an old man in a box (as this blogger is certain, anti-'woke' dongs like <i>those</i> sort of people will be keen to point out). A roar rose from a sold-out audience at the conclusion of <i>The Star Beast</i>, which saw David Tennant and Catherine Tate return after almost fifteen years. Also back, as showrunner, was a visibly moved Russell Davies. 'It's been two years working on this. I'm properly proud of it,' he said. 'It's vast, this isn't just a television programme arriving, there's a whole empire of work and imagination, diligence and insight.' As well as the Saturday-evening TV show, there is a behind-the-scenes companion show, <b>Doctor Who: Unleashed</b>, a <b>Doctor Who</b> podcast and in-vision commentary from yer man Tennant on <i>BBC iPlayer</i>. 'Russell was really clear right from the start that, if we were going to come back then we were going to come back and do something that was as big as it could possibly be,' recalled Jane Tranter. 'These days, if you're doing a big franchise show you don't just watch the television programme, there's masses of other stuff to look at, too.' In 2003, when she was Controller of Drama Commissioning at BBC TV, Tranter asked Big Rusty to revive the show, which had been rested by the corporation in 1989. Now, as CEO of Cardiff indie Bad Wolf, she makes <b>Doctor Who</b>. Steffan Powell (no, me neither), the host of both <b>Doctor Who: Unleashed</b> and the Q&A following the premiere of <i>The Star Beast</i>, asked Davies: 'Are you having fun?' A bloody stupid question, frankly, but Big Rusty answered it in the only way possible. 'Oh, God, yes. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't fun. It's <i>enormous</i> fun,' he replied. 'A lot of dramas are about people being murdered in alleyways; this is a lot more fun than that. There's a lot of pride in it, there's a Welsh pride, but there's a family pride as well - and you know you're working on something that is going to put a smile on people's faces that intergenerational span is a very rare phenomenon.' <b>Doctor Who</b> has given the Welsh economy an egging '<i>uge</i> boost - according to a recent BBC report, worth over one hundred and thirty four million smackers over a couple of decades, as well as creating hundreds of jobs and acting as a catalyst for huge growth in the nation's creative sector. 'I was always behind bringing it here,' said Davies. 'I can remember when I was young, out playing in the street and my dad would be standing in the door going, "Come and see, [Swansea actress] Margaret John's on the television", because she was in an episode of <b>Z-Cars</b>. It was so rare to see a Welsh person on the television. That whole visibility thing is vital.' Looking back almost two decades to the revived <b>Doctor Who</b>, with Christopher Eccleston in the title role, Davies said: 'When we arrived in 2005, there wasn't that much science fiction on - in fact, we kind of paved the way, especially for British science fiction. I've watched <b>Stranger Things</b> and all the Marvel shows and <i>Star Wars</i> getting acclaim and I love those shows, but I thought <b>Doctor Who</b> is as good as those. I think it's <i>better</i> than those, to be honest.' The very British <b>Doctor Who</b>, as noted, will now be available beyond these shores on Disney+, the new global home for the popular, long-running family SF drama outside the UK and Ireland. 'I don't think that something needs to be international to have international appeal; actually, I think something just needs to be good and it needs to have the opportunity to be seen,' said Tranter. '<b>Doctor Who</b> has always been good, actually it's been more than good - it's been <i>bloody brilliant</i> - but it hasn't always had an [international] platform. Eventually, in May, when Disney+ really gets behind it, it will be taken all over the world. There will never be a time and there will never be a budget that means that, when Russell slips the script on to the table in front of us, we don't go, "<i>Whooa</i> - how are we going to do that? [But the Disney deal] does mean that we have a better chance of running to keep up with him. It's a significant difference.' But Davies underplayed the difference with previous series: 'It's different, but it's not <i>that</i> different - you could imagine that David and Catherine would've run around the streets; The Meep would have been a man in furry skin, or something, but we would've made it in the old days. It really <i>is</i> the same show.' As ever with Davies's <b>Doctor Who</b>, there is more to it than running away from monsters. <i>The Star Beas</i>t features a transgender storyline and actor, Yasmin Finney (much to the <i>chagrin</i> of certain 'woke'-hating bigots, let us <i>never</i> forget for a second). 'It keeps you young, frankly, trying to write what the world is now,' said Davies. 'I feel that very much as a gay man, actually; one of the things that drives me mad and I'm also really glad of, is that, whenever you get an election or some fuss in the news, someone will bring up homosexuality, or rules about gayness or things we're allowed to do. Suddenly, we have to defend ourselves. But, although that's <i>terrible</i>, I think at least it keeps me in tune with what's going on. I kind of think that progressive politics keeps you open to the state of the world.' <br />
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Russell also enthused about <b>Doctor Who</b> and Bad Wolf's role in training TV's next generation. 'We've come back, not with just a show, but with a whole raft of opportunities to get into the [profession],' he said. 'This show will run and run. It is an open door to make the creativity of this country be seen all over the world.' Two trainees – working on <b>Doctor Who</b> thanks to Screen Alliance Wales – talked about how they landed work on the show. Screen Alliance Wales, a not-for-profit organisation based at Wolf Studios, develops talent for TV and film in Wales. 'I stumbled upon it; I didn’t know how to get into TV,' admitted director's assistant Abdoul Ceesay. He had been working as a supporting artist. 'One day, one of my friends told me about Screen Alliance Wales and how that was the best way to get into the industry. The job came up for a director's assistant and I applied for it.' He was offered an interview, so Abdoul immediately sought out the director's assistant where he was working for some pointers. His quick-thinking worked and he landed the job. Persistence paid off for scenic artist Luke Smith. He went to a Screen Alliance Wales 'foot-in-the-door day' in Newport. 'I took my portfolio - and a model Dalek as well,' he recalled. Amazingly, that <i>didn't</i> get him chucked out of the building on general principle! Luke was given the e-mail address of a contact at Screen Alliance Wales and 'proceeded to email [her] for five months, every week, asking to come and do work experience. I finally got into prop fabrication, which was a different department from where I'm working now and they gave me one week of work experience. Two days into that, I talked myself into a second week and then, one day after that, they asked to keep me on paid.' <br />
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Russell Davies told Helena Bonham Carter to turn down A <b>Doctor Who</b> role according to a piece of <i>absolute nothing bollocks</i> in the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults). This breathless 'exclusive' was based, seemingly, on a couple of throwaway comments the pair made whilst guest-hosting an episode of Radio 2's <i>Jo Whiley Show</i>. Should you wish to read this arrant crap masquerading as journalism, dear blog reader, you can find it <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/russell-t-davies-helena-bonham-carter-doctor-who-newsupdate/">here.</a> But don't say you weren't warned. <br />
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<b>Doctor Who</b> Christmas specials are linked to lower death rates in the coming year, experts have suggested. As <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/12/18/doctor-who-christmas-specials-lower-death-rates-bbc/">reported</a> - somewhat sceptically, one feels - by the <i>Daily Torygraph</i>. In the <a href="https://www.bmj.com/content/383/bmj.p2833">Christmas edition</a> of the <i>British Medical Journal</i>, a study ('light-hearted' according to the <i>Torygraph</i> although there's nothing in the original piece to suggest that) found that in years when an episode of the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama was shown on Christmas Day there were around six fewer deaths than expected for every ten thousand people over the next twelve months. That's, obviously, not excluding anti-'woke' ranters and <i>apologists</i> for anti-'woke' ranters, who often find their heads exploding at around 5.30pm on Christmas Day. They're quite a sight as you might imagine. For the era between 2005 and 2017, which saw David Tennant, Matt Smith, Peter Capaldi and Jodie Whittaker playing The Doctor (you <i>were </i>aware of that, dear blog reader?), there were seven fewer deaths than expected for every ten thousand members of the public. Albeit, government advice that people shouldn't put money in their Christmas puddings that they might choke on like they used to could, also, have contributed to this lower figure. Daleks fatalities, on the other hand, rose exponentially in the episodes which featured them. Curious, that. The team from the University of Birmingham <a href="https://www.birmingham.ac.uk/news/2023/doctor-who-festive-specials-linked-to-lower-death-rates">said</a> that 'watching a doctor who is caring for people' could encourage others to seek help for their own medical concerns. And <i>this</i>, dear blog reader, constitutes 'news', apparently. Some of us, of course, have <i>always</i> known <b>Doctor Who</b> makes you feel better. Unless you're one of <i>those</i> sort of people, of course. In which case, not so much. <br />
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This week has also seen the publication of a very enjoyable interview which Millie Gibson gave to the Royal Television Society which you can read, <a href="https://rts.org.uk/article/doctor-who-companion-millie-gibson-talks-soaps-spoilers-and-ruby-sunday">here</a>. <br />
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Whilst another interview with Ncuti appeared in the latest <i>Empire</i>, <a href="https://www.empireonline.com/tv/news/doctor-who-ncuti-gatwa-advice-from-jodie-whittaker-exclusive/">here</a>. In which he reveals the one piece of advice given to him by his predecessor-but-one in The TARDIS, 'embrace the madness!' <br />
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Russell Davies reveals that a key set-piece of Ncuti Gatwa's first series will see an 'uge battle taking place in Abbey Road during The Be-Atles' rise to fame. They were a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them. Very popular with Young People, apparently. They were <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/sixty.html">recently</a> toppermost of the poppermost. While Ncuti's first <b>Doctor Who</b> seasonal special will be broadcast in a few days, Davies gave a tour of Bad Wolf Studios in Wales when speaking with Alan Yentob for BBC1's <b>Imagine ... Russell T Davies: The Doctor & Me</b>, revealing a set under construction for the series' Be-Atles episode. Davies stated the large set would be a recreation of Abbey Road's Studio 1, where a chaotic fight would ensue. 'This is Abbey Road in 1963. It's very unbuilt at the moment. This is going to be Studio 1 at Abbey Road - the big studio, the orchestral studio. It has to be said, there’s a great big battle in here to save the universe, with people being flung all over the place and a moving piano.' There are several further revelations about the episode which you can read <a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-season-14-beatles-abbey-road-tease-showrunner/">here</a>. But, in the interest of not being whinged at for publishing spoilers, this blogger isn't going to tell you what they are. You'll have to go looking for them yourselves, dear blog reader. Of course, most <b>Doctor Who</b> fans have been well-aware that the coming series would be including an episode set in 1960s London somewhere in the vicinity of Abbey Road since last May when they were filming it. This blog <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">certainly did</a>. Other aspects of the <b>Imagine ...</b> documentary - which, again, may contain <i>some</i> spoilers, so approach with caution - can be read in <a href="https://collider.com/doctor-who-ncuti-gatwa-tardis/">a rather fine piece</a> on the <i>Collider</i> website. <br />
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Another fascination article which this blogger wishes to draw to dear blog reader's attention is in <i>Adweek</i> (not a publication usually featured on <i>From The North</i>, admittedly). Stephen Lepitak's <a href="https://www.adweek.com/brand-marketing/the-marketing-of-doctor-who-is-about-to-enter-a-whole-new-dimension/"><i>The Marketing Of <b>Doctor Who</b> Is About To Enter A Whole New Dimension</i></a> is <i>well</i> worth a few moments of your time. <br />
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'I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica ... I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"' <br />
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And now for a new (somewhat arbitrary) <i>From The North</i> feature, dear blog readers: <i>How Memory Has Cheated This Blogger</i>. Example number one. For all of you dearest blog fiends who bought a copy of <i>A Vault Of Horror</i> (still <a href="https://telos.co.uk/shop/film/a-vault-of-horror-cs/">available</a> from those gorgeous people at Telos Publishing, if you haven't already got a copy, what's been stopping you?) you may recall that this blogger mentioned in the introduction to the book that his own baptism into the world of British horror movies was watching <i>Dracula Has Risen From The Grave</i> on Tyne Tees Television in a generic slot called <b>Appointment With Fear</b> one Friday night around, this blogger believed, November 1975. <br />
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The problem was, this blogger - despite extensive research into the matter - was never able to pin down the exact date of the film being shown. Recently however, purely by accident this blogger stumbled across it whilst looking for something else entirely and was shocked (and <i>stunned</i>) to discover that he'd been looking in completely the wrong year. It was, actually, Friday 18 October 1974, meaning that rather than being twelve when Keith Telly Topping watched it, as he believed (and as he stated, boldly, in the introduction to an acclaimed and award-winning book on British Horror Movies), he was actually still a week away from his <i>eleventh</i> birthday. What the Hell this blogger's parents were thinking, letting a <i>ten</i> year old watch <i>that</i> (even on a Friday night with no school the next day) is anyone's guess.<br />
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Additionally, it means that this blogger's late mother and father bought Keith Telly Topping the fourteen-inch black-and-white portable telly he had in his bedroom at The (former) Stately Telly Topping Manor for a year long than he had previously thought (you could always spot it, dear blog reader, it had a big white arrow pointing at it). Served this blogger <i>so</i> well, that little telly did. It was still working fine when this blogger's mother died in 2013 (when, sadly, it went to the great old telly dumping ground in the sky). <br />
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This blogger also recently stumbled across a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=m4uA9HMemDI&fbclid=IwAR17EZ-2_gA3pwIf7jNNqIwqTlmmGEKpKTlL5ywDwDM2I3q__NsVS832L_E">really nice review</a> of <i>A Vault Of Horror</i> on <i>You Tube</i> from an incredibly perceptive chap with, clearly, impeccable taste called Alan. Who, seemingly, enjoyed it very much. It makes such a change from being called 'shithead' in many of the reviews this blogger usually gets! <br />
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Interesting point about the generic title <b>Appointment With Fear</b>. This blogger's excellent fiend Young Malcolm has already done quite a bit of research on this (some of it <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/verschlimmbesserung.html">previously featured</a> on this blog) and it appears that it was used by several different ITV regions at different times as a title for their Friday night horror movie strand; Granada appear to have been the first, starting in late 1971. Others followed, ATV Midlands for example, were using it in 1973. Thames had a different strand title for a while - that rather unimaginative <b>The X Film</b> - but, by 1977, they were using <b>Appointment With Fear</b> as well. <br />
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Young Malcolm notes that up to 1968, ITV had only ever played a handful of horror and/or SF movies. Then, Leslie Halliwell, ITV's film buyer at the time, made a deal with Universal Pictures for a package of twenty, mostly, horror movies made or owned by the studio; thirteen of these were Universal's own, from <i>Dracula</i> (1931) to <i>House Of Dracula</i> (1945), plus seven newer Hammer productions, from <i>The Brides Of Dracula</i> (1960) to <i>The Evil Of Frankenstein</i> (1964). This, reportedly, cost ITV, a remarkably cheap sixty thousand knicker for a licence period of seven years, to May 1976. With this deal, horror movies effectively became a regular staple of ITV's schedules on a region-by-region basis over the course of the following two years. Thames TV started at 10.30pm on Monday 6 January 1969 with a season titled <b>The X Film</b> with the Stanley Baker gangster movie <i>The Criminal</i> (1960). The first horror shown was Hammer's <i>The Man Who Could Cheat Death</i> (1959) screened a week later. This was followed by Granada and Border in September of the same year with a season called <b>Famous Monsters</b>. In the same month, Anglia TV started <b>The Horror Film</b> (so nobody could do them under the Trades Descriptions Act). In January 1970, Tyne-Tees unveiled <b>Monster Movies</b>. Grampian, Westward and Channel TV followed Anglia's lead with <b>The Horror Film</b>. Various generic titles were used thereafter - from the rather mundane, <b>The Late Movie</b> (ATV) to the more apt, <b>Movie Macabre</b> (Ulster) and Scottish TV's <b>Don't Watch Alone</b>. From 9 July 1971, LWT went with <b>Nightmare - The Friday Horror Film</b>, starting with the 1931 Bela Lugosi <i>Dracula</i>. HTV in Wales appears to have been the only ITV company not to run a horror film season at all during the early 1970s. So, if you were Welsh and liked horror movies, you were out of luck. In Autumn 1971, Leslie Halliwell, for Granada, programmed a late night season of horrors and, recalling the BBC Home Service's Valentine Dyall radio thriller series from the 1940's, decided to use <b>Appointment With Fear</b>. This would become the default title for horror movie seasons on the station. ATV would follow suit in 1973 then, in due course, Scottish, Tyne-Tees (from September 1974), Yorkshire, Westward and Channel - mostly, 10.30pm on a Friday. From what this blogger has been able to gleam, it appears that Thames were one of the last regions who used <b>Appointment With Fear</b> as their strand title to actually start using it - this blogger can't find any record of them using it pre-1977. Certainly as late as 1975, they were still using <b>The X Film</b>. Other regions, as noted, had a variety of different titles and some showed these movies on different days - for example, this blogger's fiend Andrew informs Keith Telly Topping that Grampian in the late 1970s were showing horror movies on both Tuesdays <i>and</i> Fridays. <br />
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'That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and the fishes, Ted.' 'No, Dougal, that's not mad. That's when Our Lord got one or two bits of food and turned it into a whole pile of food and everyone had it for dinner.' 'God, he was fantastic, wasn't he?' 'Ah, he was <i>brilliant</i>!' <br />
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<i>From The North</i> favourite <b>Slow Horses</b> continues to just get better and better in its, currently, third series. There are highly readable articles on the series and its latest episode in <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2023/12/slow-horses-season-3-review/676379/"><i>The Atlantic</i></a>, <a href="https://www.vulture.com/article/slow-horses-recap-season-3-episode-5.html"><i>Vulture</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.slashfilm.com/1472213/idea-to-start-slow-horses-with-fart-came-from-gary-oldman/"><i>Gruniad Morning Star</i></a> and <a href="https://www.empireonline.com/tv/reviews/slow-horses-season-3/"><i>Empire</i></a>. Seriously, dear blog reader, if you haven't caught this regular gem in <i>From The North</i>'s <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2022</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2023</a> 'Best Of' lists, do yourself a favour - find some and watch it. <br />
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And now, the <i>From The North</i> Twelve Films Of Christmas. In which yer actual Keith Telly Topping watches twelve random (reasonably recent) movies on each wet and cold December afternoon because he can't be bothered to do anything else <i>and</i> so that you don't have to. Number Two: Review in a short poem:- <br />
'Agatha Christie's plots <br />
were quite twisty. <br />
And seldom had nookie <br />
though some were well-spooky.' <br />
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Number Three: Review in thirty words or less: 'Contains depictions of smoking ... And, also, lots of Nazi's getting <i>shot</i>. But, these days, we're less bothered about <i>the latter</i>!' <br />
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Number Four: Review in thirty words or less: 'In which Primal Scream save the planet from aliens. God, rock and/or roll music, dear blog fiends. Is there <i>anything</i> it can't achieve?' <br />
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Number Five: Review in thirty words or less: Some real stories are so unbelievable they make films of them. Twice. One of them featuring <i>From The North</i> favourite Hello To Jason Isaacs. <br />
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Number Six: Review in thirty words or less: 'I sense that death is close at hand.' 'It's probably just a draft!' <br />
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Number Seven: Review in thirty words or less: The movie that was so funny it was <i>banned</i> in Russia. <br />
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Number Eight: Review in thirty words or less: 'Q: Why is <i>Oppenheimer</i> like a roll of Andrex®™? A: Because it's tough, strong and very, <i>very</i> long.' (If you said 'because it's good for wiping the winnets off yer sphincter' then that is the <i>incorrect</i> answer. Trust Keith Telly Topping on this one.) Another review in another thirty words or less: 'I <i>loved</i> the two stars of your movie, Mister Nolan.' 'Who, Cillian Murphy and Robert Downey Junior?' 'No, Florence Pugh's tits.'<br />
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Number Nine: Review in thirty words or less: <i>Dong</i>. It is important to remember that, whilst fixing a hole in the ocean, 'inbreathiate' in <i>not</i> an actual word. And, that 'the guitar Paul wrote ['Blackbird'] on' was, most certainly, <i>not</i> right-handed. <i>What! Is! Reality?!</i> <br />
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Number Ten: Review in thirty words or less: 'Glory! Glory! And, indeed, bastard-halley-effing-loool-yah! <i>Thangyveymusssh</i>.' <br />
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Number Eleven: Review in thirty words or less: '<i>Any</i> movie that ends with a song and dance routine to The Love Affair's '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2FOsP7jYNg">Everlasting Love</a>' needs <i>no</i> other justification. <i>Perfect</i>.' <br />
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In other, somewhat-related, Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House pre-Christmas TV viewing, good heavens but <b>A Warning To The Curious</b> (the BBC's 1972 <b>A Ghost Story For Christmas</b>, a strand which is currently being repeated on Talking Pictures TV) is <i>still</i> absolutely bloody <i>terrifying</i>, even fifty (one) years after it was first shown. That said, it's no <b>The Signalman</b> (itself being repeated on New Year's Eve this blogger understands). <br />
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In <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/12/stop-apologising-for-things-youve-never.html">the last <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationism update</a>, this blogger mentioned his recent (thoroughly enjoyable) lunch with Young Malcolm in early December. And, our lengthy - and, one feels, productive - debate about the relative merits of <b>The Gold Robbers</b>, <b>Doctor Who</b>, <b>The Champions</b> and other vitally important matters which we men discuss when setting the world to rights. One of the other series that both of us had been watching and enjoying of late was TPTV's current Sunday-night repeat of <b>Manhunt</b>. A World War II drama series consisting of twenty six episodes and produced by London Weekend in 1969, it was broadcast across the ITV network from 2 January 1970. And, remarkably, given that he was only about six years old at the time this blogger has extremely clear memories of watching at least one episode of the series; and, particular, one sequence towards the end of that episode, <i>What Did You Do In The War, Daddy?</i>, in which Peter Barkworth and Alfred Lynch use a wardrobe to spirit Cyd Hayman under the very noses of the Nazi roadblock set-up to arrest her French ass for her naughty resistance-type ways. <br />
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For those dear blog readers who don't remember the series (and, let's face it, it was last broadcast in Britain over fifty years ago so that'd probably be most of you), in September 1942 British pilot and twenty four-carat arse Squadron Leader Jimmy Briggs (Lynch) crashes his Spitfire somewhat carelessly in the middle of occupied France and immediately finds himself on the run from the Nazi scumbags. All of them. He meets a woman, Nina (Hayman), a part-Jewish agent with vitally important information that must not, under any circumstances, fall into Ze German hands and who is, frankly, about as wet as a slap in the face with a haddock for much of the time; Jimmy agrees to help get her safely to Britain where her dangerous knowledge will be far less dangerous. He is helped (though, sometimes hindered) by another agent, code-named Vincent (Barkworth). The trio often spend entire episodes bickering with each other and getting themselves into and then out of completely unnecessary trouble by deliberately doing things they are not supposed to and, in the case of Jimmy and Nina doing exactly the opposite of whatever Vincent tells them to do. It's no wonder Peter Barkworth wears an exceedingly annoyed expression throughout the majority of the series. They are pursued across France by SS Officer Lutzig (Philip Madoc at his most fantastically snarling) and also the ambivalent Abwehr Sergeant Gratz (a brilliant role for Robert Hardy), a complex psychological character who appears to fall deeply in lust with Nina. Unlike most previous Second World War dramas, some of the Nazis (particular the Abwehr soldiers) were presented as more than just fanatical goosestepping thugs. While Lutzig was closer to that stereotype (albeit, given typical depth and nuance by Madoc), Gratz could not be more different. <b>Manhunt</b> also portrayed in some detail the intense and bitter rivalry between the SS and the Abwehr over the prosecution of the war. Although the overall plot was driven by the need to keep Nina (and her intimate knowledge) out of the hands of the Ze Germans and get her to England, the series ended ambiguously (and, frankly, in something of an anti-climax). Gratz was sure that he had most of, if not all of, Nina's secret information anyway, mostly through pillow talk and carelessness on her part. Nina and Jimmy, despite their occasional closeness whilst on the run, end up living in different worlds when they do eventually make it to England. <br />
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Some aspects of the series have, it must be admitted, not aged at all well when viewed from a Twenty First Century perspective. Nina's portrayal (very well-acted by Hayman, notwithstanding) is shockingly of-its-time in terms of her being a helpless (and, frequently <i>useless</i>) female in need of constantly being protected or, on the several occasions, a good slap. In one episode, traumatised by some of the things she has witnessed, she gets herself into a fugue-state and then comes out of it believing herself to be fifteen years old. The medical advice given to Vincent and Jimmy as to how to break this delusion is for someone to give her a right good shafting to 'make her a woman again.' Whilst the pair argue about which of them will perform this, effective, rape of an innocent, a minor character in the resistance escape line they are being sheltered by does the ghastly deed and Nina emerges back to normal and, seemingly, quite unaffected by the experience. No dramatist would <i>dare</i> to be so crass as to suggest a plot contrivance like that these days and even TPTV's pre-episode warning, that '<b>Manhunt</b> is set during the Second World War and features attitudes common in that era' still seems a little bit 'you <i>have</i> to be kidding, right?' <br />
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Nevertheless, with its sinister, simple title sequence (using Beethoven over graphics of Nazi memorabilia and images of the cast), <b>Manhunt</b> - created by Rex Firkin - had a lot going for it and, in many ways, set the template for further war dramas; that's particularly true of <b>Secret Army</b> (another series portraying resistance to and escape from the Nazis in Europe) and <b>Colditz</b> (in showing a few different sides to the stereotypical German military character). Interestingly, Bernard Hepton who starred in both of those series also crops up in a guest-role in <b>Manhunt</b>, playing a very similar character to his Albert in <b>Secret Army</b>. Other guest actors included Leslie Schofield, Brian Cox (no, the other one), Yootha Joyce, Ian McCulloch, Tony Beckley, Nerys Hughes, Andrew Keir, TP McKenna, Derek Newark, Richard Hurndall, Peggy Ann Wood, Julian Glover, Glynn Edwards, Iain Cuthbertson, James Bree, Maggie Fitzgibbon, George Sewell, John Phillips, Peter Copley, Bernard Archard, Maria Aitken, George Innes, Geoffrey Whitehead, Jack Watson and Paul Darrow. Some episodes featured little dialogue (<i>Intent To Steal</i>, for example) whilst one, <i>Open House</i>, featured practically nothing but, being claustrophobically set in one room with just the three central characters. The language was often <i>very</i> strong, even for a 9pm Friday-night drama in 1970. With the exception of the episode <i>One More River</i> which was shot on film, the programme was made entirely on colour videotape. Broadcast from January to June 1970, <b>Manhunt</b> was a big contemporary hit for ITV and it was repeated, in full, the following year. Thereafter, however, it disappeared into the archives only seeing the light of day again in 2009 when the complete series was released on DVD by the much-lamented Network. Despite its flaws and its of-its-time characterisation, it's still jolly nice to see it again all these years later. <br />
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One other little (quite literal) <i>titbit</i> from this blogger's lunch with Young Malcolm occurred when we were discussing our mutual admiration for the recently completed repeat-run of <b>The Gold Robbers</b> (previously covered on this blog, in some depth, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/never-in-million-years.html">here</a>). Malcolm mentioned that, as far as he was aware, the scene in the episode <i>The Cover Plan</i> (broadcast in August 1969) in which Patrick Allen's character's girlfriend (played by Carmen Dene) appears topless was the first example of such explicit nudity in a drama on British TV. He did stress 'drama' noting that documentaries (particularly a couple on the subject of naturism) may have, previously, included the odd flash of tit. This blogger has not been able to specifically verify this as a British TV first, although the date certainly seem about right. (The first time British TV viewers got a taste of full-frontal nudity came when Prunella Gee stripped off playing Anna Fitzgerald in Granada's drama serial <b>Shabby Tiger</b> on 1973.) <br />
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It has been a while since we've noted this, dear blog reader, but via Keith Telly Topping's essays on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/b-crumble-stinkers-british-post-war-b.html">British post-war B-movies</a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>The Corpse</i></a>, <i>The Yellow Teddy Bears</i>, <i>Saturday Night Out</i> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html"><i>The Black Torment</i></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html"><i>The Pleasure Girls</i></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html"><i>Hell Is A City</i></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html"><i>Cup Fever</i></a>, <i>Face Of A Stranger</i> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/a-chronicle-of-numerous-small-things.html"><i>Yield To The Night</i></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html"><i>Hell Drivers</i></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-will-show-you-fear-in-handful-of-dust.html"><i>The Day The Earth Caught Fire</i></a> and <i>Game For Three Losers</i>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">Hammer Films</a>, <i>Blood Of The Vampire</i> and <i>Good-Time Girl</i>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html"><i>Beat Girl</i></a>, <i>The Earth Dies Screaming</i>, <i>Radio-Cab Murder</i>, <i>Seven Days Till Noon</i>, <i>Murder In Reverse</i>, <i>The Gelignite Gang</i> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html"><i>Dead Man's Chest</i></a>, <i>Danger By My Side</i>, <i>Night Of The Prowler</i>, <i>Impact</i>, <i>Smokescreen</i>, <i>Girl In The Headlines</i> and <i><a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">The Narrowing Circle</a></i>, there was a period during 2022 when <i>From The North</i> seemed more like a film blog which, sometimes, discussed TV. Rather than the other way around which is, in theory at least, this blog's <i>raison d'être</i>. <i>C'est la vie, chers lecteurs du blog</i>. <i>Mai oui</i>. <br />
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This blogger mentions all of that because <i>Carry On Spying</i> cropped up on Talking Pictures TV a couple of times over the last few weeks. It's one of the franchise that almost never seems to get shown these days on 'normal' telly, presumably because it was made in black and white (a fate that it shares with the equally excellent <i>Carry On Cabby</i> from the same period). That is a genuine shame because <i>Spying</i> is so much better than many of the colour ones from both before and afterwards (this blogger's particular favourite <i>Carry On Screaming</i> notwithstanding. Although <i>that</i> hasn't been shown very much of late either, having been something of a staple of ITV4 for a year or two). But, seeing <i>Spying</i> again, for the first time in probably a decade at least, was a worthy reminder of just how good the series could be. And, not for nothing, but Cribbins is <i>great</i> in it. <br />
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When this blogger wrote his lengthy essay, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/b-crumble-stinkers-british-post-war-b.html"><i>B Crumble & The Stinkers: The British Post-War B-Movie - A Re-Assessment</i></a> in July 2022 one of the movie covered in passing in the piece was 1954's <i>Devil Girl From Mars</i> which also recently cropped up on <i>From The North</i>'s favourite channel in all the world, bar none, Talking Pictures TV. <br />
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<i>Devil Girl From Mars</i> was a 1954 British monochrome SF movie, produced by The Danziger Brothers, directed by David MacDonald, written (possibly in crayon) by James Eastwood and John C Mathers and starring Patricia Laffan, Hugh McDermott, <i>From The North</i> favourite Hazel Court, Peter Reynolds, Adrienne Corri and John Laurie. It was released by British Lion, premiering in the UK in May 1954 and in the United States the following year. Contemporary reviews were often rather dismissive but, like many movies which begin with a reputation lower than rattlesnakes piss the film has, over the years, acquired something of a cult following. <br />
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The plot: Nyah (Laffan), the titular butch leather-clad female commander from Mars, heads for London in her flying saucer. She is part of the advance alien team looking for Earthmen to replace the declining male population on her world, the result of 'a devastating war between the sexes.' Because of damage to her craft, caused when entering the Earth's atmosphere and an apparent collision with an airliner, she is forced to land in the remote Scottish moors. She is armed with a ray gun which can paralyse or kill and is accompanied by a tall, not-particularly-menacing robot named Chani. Professor Arnold Hennessey (Joseph Tomelty), an astrophysicist, accompanied by square-jawed journalist Michael Carter (McDermott), is sent by the British government to investigate the effects of the crash, believed to have been caused by a meteorite. The pair come to The Bonnie Charlie, a remote hotel run by Mister and Mrs Jamieson (Laurie, Sophie Stewart) in the depths of the Scottish Highlands, where the heather grows tall and the cow-shit lies thick. At the bar they meet Ellen Prestwick (Court), a fashion model who came to The Bonnie Charlie to escape an affair with a married man. She quickly (and, somewhat inevitably) forms a romantic liaison with Carter. Meanwhile, escaped convict Robert Justin (Reynolds), convicted for accidentally killing his wife, comes to the inn to reunite with barmaid Doris (Corri), with whom he is deeply in lust. <br />
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Nyah happens across the inn, incinerates the Jamiesons' handyman (James Edmond) and then enters the bar. When she finds no-one willing to come with her to Mars and have lots of The Sex with Martian ladies like herself, she responds with intimidation, trapping the guests and staff within an invisible force-field and turning Chani loose to vaporise much of the manor's grounds. Discovering Justin and Tommy (Anthony Richmond), the Jamiesons' young, bratty and <i>really</i> annoying nephew, hiding in the bushes, Nyah kidnaps Tommy as a possible male specimen and sends Justin back to the inn under some form of powerful mind control. Nyah then brings Professor Hennessy on-board her spaceship to view the technological achievements of Martian civilisation, including the ship's atomic power source. In exchange for Tommy, Carter volunteers to go to Mars with Nyah. For, remember, lots of The Sex with those sexy, leather-wearing Martians birds. Just saying. Realising that the only chance to defeat Nyah requires trickery, Hennessy suggests Carter sabotage the ship's power source after take off. However, Carter attempts a double-cross before boarding the ship, snatching Nyah's controller for Chani. However, this attempt is thwarted by Nyah's mind control powers. Carter is released by Nyah and they both return to the bar, where Nyah, in a fit of hot alien <i>pique</i>, announces that she has had enough trying to find men willing to have lots of The Sex and has decided to destroy the inn and kill everyone within it when she leaves, shortly, for London. To wreak havoc upon the English and, presumably, find some men who <i>aren't</i> terrified of the prospect of lots of The Sex. However she will allow one man to go with her in order to escape death. The men draw lots and Carter wins, still hoping to enact Hennessy's plan to destroy the spaceship. At the last minute, Justin, alone at the bar and now free from mind control, offers to go with Nyah of his own free will. After take-off he successfully sabotages Nyah's flying saucer, sacrificing himself to save the men of Earth from a fate worse than lots of The Sex and atoning for the death of his wife. The survivors celebrate their escape with a drink at the bar. <br />
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In an interview with Frank J Dello Stritto, co-screenwriter John Chartres Mather <a href="https://beladraculalugosi.wordpress.com/2015/05/03/vampire-bats-and-devil-girls-from-mars-dracula-producer-john-chartres-mather-interviewed-by-frank-j-dello-stritto/">claimed</a> that <i>Devil Girl From Mars</i> came about while he was working with The Danzigers were at the time producing <i>Calling Scotland Yard</i> (1953) which appeared as an American television series and as cinema second-features in Great Britain and around the Commonwealth. When production finished ahead of schedule, Mather claimed that he was ordered to use up the remaining film studio time already booked and paid for by working on a feature film for The Danzigers. The interview also suggests that Laffan's devil girl costume was 'economically' made by designer John Sutcliffe. Laffan herself stated that the costume was very hot and difficult to wear for extended periods. The film was shot at Shepperton Studios with sets designed by the art director Norman Arnold. It was made on a <i>very</i> low budget, with no retakes considered except in cases where the actual film stock had become damaged; it was filmed over a period of approximately three weeks, often filming well into the night. Amongst several mistakes and logic flaws which had to be left in due to these constraints, the arrival of Nyah's spacecraft knocks out the electricity supply to the telephone and the car ignition. However, it does not affect the domestic supply to the hotel since the captives try to electrocute Nyah by wiring up a door handle. Also, When Mister Jamieson hands Carter a revolver it is a small gun of a 'top-break' style with a very short barrel. Yet when Carter, in close-up, points the gun at Nyah and fires, it has transformed into a totally different gun - a larger, longer-barrelled, revolver of the 'swing-out cylinder' type. Most notoriously, when the supposedly 'indestructible' robot leaves the spaceship, a close-up of its feet reveals paint scraping off where the joints of the suit and the boots meet! <br />
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Hazel Court later told author Tom Weaver: 'I remember great fun on the set. It was like a repertory company acting that film.' The robot, Chani, was constructed by Jack Whitehead and was operated by a stunt man. Michael Rennie's alien, Klaatu, posing as 'Mister Carpenter' in <i>The Day The Earth Stood Still</i> (1951), was intended by the screenwriter of that movie, Edmund H North, to evoke a Christ-like figure. It has been suggested (by Thomas Kent Miller in his 2016 book <i>Mars In The Movies: A History</i> among others) that Nyah, in this film, was intended to evoke an anti-Virgin Mary image. <i>Devil Girl From Mars</i>'s sound editor was Gerry Anderson (credited as Gerald Anderson), later to create numerous television series such as <b>Thunderbirds</b>. To save time and money, the movie's composer, the great Edwin Astley, reused much of his <b>Saber Of London</b> TV series score for the film. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGuT3m5-sklpFf3a4aOPifn35w5t8pwiSZzuqLGhwAsWqjtEnbXF4WWCoJawKM8l8wJUzwOCMBiUQzRJq8PffjL3ALxK_AKHkeGbk3xV094fO0kKSh_vaxn7C6Bfz5cbOyyhO6THsYcBRmS3kejpXZzFnn25leMdOa-YhgOilZnVpphalbwQ/s250/6.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="163" data-original-width="250" height="163" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGuT3m5-sklpFf3a4aOPifn35w5t8pwiSZzuqLGhwAsWqjtEnbXF4WWCoJawKM8l8wJUzwOCMBiUQzRJq8PffjL3ALxK_AKHkeGbk3xV094fO0kKSh_vaxn7C6Bfz5cbOyyhO6THsYcBRmS3kejpXZzFnn25leMdOa-YhgOilZnVpphalbwQ/s1600/6.jpg" width="250" /></a>Some of the dialogue is hilariously bad, but quite a few of the most quotable lines have a knowing, appealingly self deprecating, quality. For example, when Carter introduced Nyan to Mrs Jamieson, as 'your latest guest. Miss Nyah. She comes from Mars' the hotel-keeper responds, dryly: 'Oh, well, that'll mean another bed.' There's a wonderful exchange between Carter and Mister Jamieson about how far the nearest telephone is. Seven miles, Carter is told. 'How far is the village?' he asks. 'Seven miles. That's where the house with the phone is!' John Laurie replies with his usual <i>bijoux</i> comic timing. Justin, whilst under Nyah's mind-control, has a marvellously over-the-top moment, exclaiming: '<i>We are all the slaves of a great and powerful nation, let us prepare for our rulers</i>.' To which Doris looks at him and asks, with genuine concern: 'Have you gone <i>daft</i>?' Most of Nyah's lines, however, are the stuff of glorious hack villainy, such as 'it amuses me to watch your puny efforts' and 'now, men. Look, watch the power of another world!' 'What bargain has she made with him?' Ellen wails (Hazel Court acting her little cotton socks off) as Michael offers to go with Nyah. 'Can you not guess,' Professor Hennessey. 'He's going to <i>provide her with children</i>!' <br />
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With the tagline 'Invasion from Outer Space! ... Sights too weird to imagine! Destruction too monstrous to escape!' <i>Devil Girl From Mars</i> opened at the Metropole, Victoria on 2 May 1954 and also ran at the Odeon, Tottenham Court Road during the following weeks before getting a series of scattered runs in provincial cinemas around the country throughout the year. It was described in the contemporary trade press as 'the first major outer space film to be made in this country' (beating Burt Balaban's equally flawed-but-fascinating <i>Stranger From Venus</i> into UK cinemas by a few months). And, at least some trade reviewers, as a consequence, treated it with a seriousness which would not, normally, be given to a genre or exploitation movie. Gavin Lambert, for example, wrote in <i>The Monthly Film Bulletin</i>: 'This primitive British effort at science-fiction is quite enjoyably ludicrous, mainly on account of Patricia Laffan's splendid Nyah. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdKlvHyihtAEcd43puX55dloaHbMrlWU26eeewBOA4G4I70PaMq2e_Hf37JM7CkwiY1vlcfzFN4wIhQrqhj9WCoYqlUSew4IJCka64hw6Nq3J_SboLiTCpmGXZ0_IMQ-Sc8pw0_zTnDmKBFgyJuYJwtgnuZPQB3YfB_xgL1JAH13GRfDzFdA/s250/10.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="133" data-original-width="250" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdKlvHyihtAEcd43puX55dloaHbMrlWU26eeewBOA4G4I70PaMq2e_Hf37JM7CkwiY1vlcfzFN4wIhQrqhj9WCoYqlUSew4IJCka64hw6Nq3J_SboLiTCpmGXZ0_IMQ-Sc8pw0_zTnDmKBFgyJuYJwtgnuZPQB3YfB_xgL1JAH13GRfDzFdA/s1600/10.jpg" width="250" /></a>Clothed in black silk tights, a black cloak, a metallurgical-looking wig and walled in make-up, she moves with the air of a sleep-walker, never looking at the person to whom she is talking and speaking her lines - particularly those describing the scientific marvels of her planet - in an impatient monotone, as if contemptuous of any meaning they may, from time-to-time, contain. One would like to see Nyah again, preferably in a serial. The romance of mannequin and journalist, also, will have its appeal to connoisseurs of life among the English. Settings, dialogue, characterisation and special effects are of a low order; but even their modest unreality has its charm. There is really no fault in this film that one would like to see eliminated. Everything, in its way, is quite perfect.' Contemporaneously, <i>Kine Weekly</i> said: 'Effective interplay of character establishes human interest without curbing essential spectacle and the ending literally goes with a bang. At once ingenious stunt offering and artful woman's stuff, its conquest of both worlds stands it in good stead. The picture keeps the strange and frightening "flying saucer" at a respectable distance, but resourceful camera work gives the illusion validity ... and the characters are not dwarfed by the gimmicks. Although the shots of the rocket-ship landing, departing and disintegrating are arresting, they are not introduced at the expense of human interest. The sacrifice made by Albert [sic] is the heart of its sensational and salutary matter.' In later years, <i>Rolling Stain</i> columnist Doug Pratt called <i>Devil Girl From Mars</i> a 'delightfully bad movie' and added that the 'acting is really bad and the whole thing is so much fun you want to run to your local community theatre group and have them put it on next, instead of <i>Brigadoon</i>.' None of which is, actually, true in the slightest. American film reviewer Leonard Maltin said that the film is a 'hilariously solemn, high-camp British imitation of US cheapies.' Which is a much closer and much fairer assessment. <br />
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In <i>Going To Mars: The Stories Of The People Behind NASA's Mars Missions Past, Present & Future</i>, the authors describe the film as 'an undeniably awful but oddly interesting' film. They noted that the plot was 'more a reflection of the 1950s view of politics and the era's inequality of the sexes than a thoughtful projection of present or future possibilities.' And, in that regard, it shared similarities with just about <i>all</i> science-fiction (American and British) of the immediate post-war era. In <i>Mars: A Tour Of The Human Imagination</i>, Eric S Rabkin likens the character Nyah to a dominatrix and, even, to a neo-Nazi. He said of the film that, 'a host of charged images and subconscious fears' are handled 'with a broad camp irony.' Otherwise, 'without some underlying psychological engagement, how could anyone sit through a movie so badly made?' Quite easily as it turned out since the movie, reportedly, did more than reasonable box-office business at the time (the <i>The British 'B' Movie</i> describes the film as 'a considerable hit' which enabled the producers, The Danzigers 'to make bigger-budget, if less successful' movies like the 1957's SF romp 1957's <i>Satellite In The Sky</i>). <br />
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British film critic Leslie Halliwell sneered it was '[An] absurd attempt to cash in on the then new science-fiction craze. The budget matches the imagination.' In <i>British Sound Films: The Studio Years 1928–1959</i>, David Quinlan rated the film as 'average', adding: 'Talky science-film runs like an early serial.' However, Steve Chibnall and Brian McFarlane in the excellent <i>The British 'B' Film</i> (2009) wrote: 'Clad as a dominatrix in leather cap, cloak and stiletto boots, [Nyah] is a genuinely shocking figure in the staid world of British film-making of the time: it is as if the underworld of S&M fetishism had suddenly surfaced and, with it, the collective unconscious of the nation. Backed by the mechanised might of her faithful robot (resembling a fridge-on-legs) she imparts a sexual charge that the film's scenario struggles to contain and gives a wholly different spin to the desire expressed by another of the inn's visitors, the prodigal metropolitan model played by Hazel Court, to spend more time in the country, find the right man, have children. Nyah is an eroticised threat to a patriarchy that was increasingly troubled in the post-war years. She comes to turn the proud men of Earth into sex slaves for her matriarchal order,' the result, apparently of a gender war which lasted 'many of your Earth years.' Nyah can, thus, be regarded as a 'conciliatory coded-warning' (sexy <i>and</i> scary) of the consequences to men of allowing women's emancipation to 'go too far.' <i>Devil Girl From Mars</i>, they added, 'is, therefore, not only a camp classic but an ideologically significant moment in 1950s British cinema' and, 'one of the earliest examples of British exploitation-film making, a mode to which the B-movie is historically and aesthetically, linked.' <br />
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In terms of its legacy beyond 1950's Britain, the film is <a href="https://web.mit.edu/m-i-t/articles/butler_talk.html">reported</a> to have inspired Hugo and Nebula award-winning author Octavia Butler to begin writing science-fiction as a twelve year old. After watching the movie, she said, she declared that she 'could write something better.' The film didn't receive its first UK TV showing until April 1983, when it <a href="https://genome.ch.bbc.co.uk/schedules/service_bbc_one_london/1983-04-16">popped up one Saturday morning on BBC1</a> (and was actually given a bit of a fanfare by <i>Radio Times</i> due to this being its telly debut). Soon afterwards, released on home video, it began to develop something of a cult following. The fact that it was, clearly, an inspiration for Larry Buchanan's camp 1967 SF movie <i>Mars Needs Women</i> probably helped in this regard. It has a reputation colder than liquid nitrogen on the <i>Rotten Tomatoes</i> website where the only review they include is from that odious Berriman individual at the equally odious <i>SFX</i> magazine ('sadly, the PVC-clad Nyah is a crashing bore'). Two excellent reasons to greatly admire the movie on the grounds that anything those cheb-ends don't like is, probably, worth investigating. It would be daft to claim <i>Devil Girl From Mars</i> <i>is</i> 'good', or anything even remotely like it. But, it is rather fun, surprisingly well-shot given the limitations of its creation and budget, surprisingly well-acted given the limitations of the script and, unsurprisingly in-tune the contemporary fears and attitudes which make it, from a Twenty First Century perspective, an endearingly fascinating historical artifact. <br />
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Another, very welcome, vintage artefact cropping up on TPTV recently was a rare showing of Michael Tuchner's incredibly violent 1971 gangster movie <i>Villain</i>. Scripted, difficult as it is to believe, by <i>From The North</i> favourites Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais - way out of their usual comfort zone - <i>Villain</i>'s violence, as with other films of the same era (<i>Get Carter</i>, <i>A Clockwork Orange</i>, <i>Performance</i>, for instance), was <i>very</i> graphic, especially during the heist scene. It has, as a consequence, been suggested as a direct influence on several hard-hitting 1970s police TV dramas such as <b>The Sweeney</b>, <b>Target</b> and <b>Special Branch</b>. A fine cast was led by Richard Burton as the Ronnie Kray-style gay gang-boss, Vic Dakin, whom The Bobbies (Nigel Davenport and Colin Welland) would <i>love</i> to bang-up down the Scrubs for his naughty gangster ways. But, whom the audience is supposed to feel a bit of sympathy for because, like Ronnie and Reggie, he <i>really</i> loves his mum. Dick and Ian's screenplay came from an initial treatment by the American actor Al Lettieri, renowned for his tough-guy roles in films such as <i>The Godfather</i> (1972) and <i>The Getaway</i> (1972) as well as for his real-life associations with the New York Gambino Family. Clement and La Frenais based their script on <i>Burden Of Proof</i>, a novel by James Barlow that the <i>Chicago Tribune</i> had called 'sizzling [and] compelling.' Coincidentally, Barlow mentions Burton in the text of his book in a scene in which Dakin's barrister asks a female witness if she likes Burton in an effort to sow doubt in the jury's mind about her identification evidence. Though several of the main characters and important situations carry over from the novel, Clement and La Frenais altered the plot considerably. Burton wrote in his diaries in July 1970 that he was approached to make the film by Elliott Kastner, who had recently produced <i>Where Eagles Dare</i>. 'It is a racy sadistic London piece about cops and robbers - the kind of "bang bang - calling all cars" stuff that I've always wanted to do and never have. It could be more than that depending on the director. I play a cockney gangland leader who is very much a mother's boy and takes her to Southend and buys her whelks <i>et cetera</i> but in The Smoke I am a ruthless fiend incarnate. Homosexual as well. All ripe stuff.' Dick normally earned a million dollars per movie but agreed to make <i>Villain</i> for no salary in exchange for a sizeable percentage of the profits. 'These are the times of economies for everyone making pictures,' he told the <i>Los Angeles Times</i>. 'Actually working this way - if you can afford it and don't mind waiting for your money - is far more exciting for the actor. You feel more involved in everything rather than just like an old hired hand.' Burton also said that the producers persuaded him to take the part through 'great American conmanship. One of the producers said to me "I bet if I offered you the part of a cockney gangster you'd turn it down, wouldn't you?" And, of course, one's immediate response is to say "don't be daft, of <i>course</i> I wouldn't." The next thing you know, you've got a script in your hand.' Burton admitted that he had always wanted to play a gangster, having long admired Edward G Robinson, James Cagney and Humphrey Bogart: 'I suppose like the fat man who would have loved to be a ballet dancer.' During filming, he said: 'I usually play kings or princes or types like that. I've never played a <i>real</i> villain. Interesting type. I'm not sure about th[e] film. We'll see.' In 2013, Ian McShane said that he had mixed feelings about playing Burton's bi-sexual lover, Wolfe. 'After kissing me, he's going to beat the Hell out of me ... it's that kind of relationship - rather hostile. It was <i>very</i> S&M. He said to me, "I'm very glad you're doing this film." I said, "So am I, Richard." He said, "You know why, don't you? ... You remind me of Elizabeth!" I guess that made the kissing [me] easier.' <br />
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Although the film was a big hit in the UK in 1971 (making back three times its three hundred thousand knicker budget and guaranteeing Burton a more than decent pay-day), it was something of a flop in the US and the review were, broadly, negative. <i>Monthly Film Bulletin</i> said 'After <i>Performance</i> and <i>Get Carter</i>, there appear to be few atrocities left unexplored in the British underworld. But where the latter's determinedly "unsentimental" approach resulted in an automaton hero and a story-line loose enough to accommodate a maximum number of picturesque deaths in striking locations, <i>Villain</i>'s superficial nastiness (largely a matter of louder and better synchronised punches) conceals a relatively old-fashioned approach to the genre.' In 1971, Burton wrote in his diary that <i>Villain</i> was 'a goodish film but so far isn't doing very well in the States but has not yet opened in Britain and the Commonwealth where it should do better.'<br />
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And now, dear blog reader, one from the 'you couldn't make it up. Well, you <i>could</i>, but no one would believe you,' column. A fan-fiction writer has <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67753073">been sued</a> by the estate of JRR Tolkien for copyright after publishing his own sequel to <i>The Lord Of The Rings</i>. That's actually <i>publishing</i> it, not writing it and putting it up on a website, or putting it into a non-profit-making fanzine of some kind but, printing it off in a book and <i>selling it</i>. For money. That's not only a copyright infringement it's also <i>idiocy</i>. US-based author Demetrious Polychron (so, he's American, <i>that</i> figures. And he's also got a silly name so, double bonus) published a book called <i>The Fellowship Of The King</i> in 2022. Polychron, who is clearly <i>not</i> mental, described it as 'the pitch-perfect sequel to <i>The Lord Of The Rings</i>.' People who reviewed the work on the <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/91545388-the-fellowship-of-the-king"><i>GoodReads</i> website</a> described it as 'fanfiction. But it's not even <i>good</i> fanfiction', the work of 'a delusional hack "writer"' and 'couldn't get past the first couple of pages'. The court ruled that Polychron must cease and desist distributing copies of the book immediately and destroy all physical and electronic copies. In April 2023 Polychron attempted to sue the Tolkein estate and Amazon, claiming that the TV series, <b>Rings Of Power</b>, infringed the copyright in <i>his book</i>. The case was dismissed after the judge ruled that Polychron's own book was infringing on Amazon's prequel which was released in September 2022. No shit? The Tolkien Estate then filed a separate lawsuit against Polychron for an injunction to stop <i>The Fellowship Of The King</i> from being further distributed. On pain of him having Glamdring The Forehammer rammed, sideways, up his lord-of-the-ringpiece for his naughty thieving ways. On Thursday Judge Steven V Wilson called Polychron's lawsuit 'frivolous and unreasonably filed' and granted the permanent injunction, preventing him from selling his book and any other planned sequels. Of which there were <i>six</i>. I mean, <i>of course</i> there were. The court also awarded lawyer's fees totalling one hundred and thirty four thousand bucks to the Tolkien Estate and Amazon in connection with Polychron's lawsuit. The estate's UK solicitor, Steven Maier of Maier Blackburn, said: 'This is an important success for the Tolkien Estate, which will not permit unauthorised authors and publishers to monetise JRR Tolkien's much-loved works in this way. This case involved a serious infringement of <i>The Lord Of The Rings</i> copyright, undertaken on a commercial basis and the estate hopes that the award of a permanent injunction and attorneys' fees will be sufficient to dissuade others who may have similar intentions.' Earlier this year it was confirmed by Warner Bros that more <i>Lord Of The Rings</i> films are on the way over the next few years. Work on the second series of Amazon's TV show began in October. <br />
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'Discuss the contention that Cleopatra had the body of a roll-top desk and the mind of a duck (Oxford & Cambridge Board O-Level Paper, 1976) ... Put it away, Plectrum ... <i>Nibble! Leave Orifice Alone</i>!' <br />
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NASA has <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-67721671">streamed</a> an ultra high-definition video of a cat back to Earth from the depths of space. Quite how this is going to help NASA create the first manned colonies on Mars, they didn't explain but, nevertheless, it's nice to see the American public's tax dollars being put to such good use. The fifteen-second clip of Taters the cat was sent via laser - and, fittingly, shows it chasing a laser beam. Footage of the tabby travelled nineteen million miles - some eighty times the distance from Earth to the Moon. NASA hopes that the laser tech it was testing will eventually improve communications with more remote parts of the solar system. Taters, whose paws you will all be delighted to know remained firmly on Earth, is owned by an employee of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. The video was uploaded to a spacecraft launched with SpaceX's Falcon Heavy rocket from Florida's Kennedy Space Centre on 13 October and was streamed on 11 December. 'Despite transmitting from millions of miles away, it was able to send the video faster than most broadband internet connections,' said JPL electronics lead Ryan Rogalin. The video was received by the Hale telescope at the Palomar observatory, where it was downloaded. From there it was streamed to the JPL and played in real-time. Rogalin said that the connection over which the video was sent from the Palomar observatory to the JPL base was actually slower than the signal transmitting the clip from space. 'JPL's DesignLab did an amazing job helping us showcase this technology. Everyone <i>loves</i> Taters,' he added. <br />
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The US government has issued its first ever fine to a company for leaving space junk orbiting the Earth. The Federal Communications Commission fined Dish Network one hundred and fifty thousand dollars for failing to move an old satellite far enough away from others in use. The company admitted liability over its EchoStar-7 satellite and agreed to a 'compliance plan' with the FCC. Space junk is made up bits of tech that are in orbit around the Earth but are no longer in use and risk collisions. Officially called 'space debris', it includes things like old satellites and parts of spacecraft. The FCC said that Dish's satellite posed a potential risk to other satellites orbiting the Earth at its current altitude. Dish's EchoStar-7 - which was first launched in 2002 - was in geostationary orbit, which starts at twenty two thousand miles above the Earth's surface. Dish was meant to move the satellite one hundred and eighty six miles further from Earth, but at the end of its life in 2022 had moved it only seventy six miles after it lost fuel. 'As satellite operations become more prevalent and the space economy accelerates, we must be certain that operators comply with their commitments,' said FCC enforcement bureau chief Loyaan Egal. 'This is a breakthrough settlement, making very clear the FCC has strong enforcement authority and capability to enforce its vitally important space debris rules.' The fine represents a tiny proportion of Dish's overall revenue, which was over sixteen billion bucks in 2022.<br />
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Meanwhile, on a marginally-related theme, the rings of Uranus look positively festive in a new, epic, James Webb Space Telescope photo. <br />
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This blogger believes that The U2 Group have announced they intend to hold a benefit concert in Reykjavík for those affected by the devastation of the Reykjanes Peninsula volcano explosion. As if those poor bloody Icelanders haven't suffered enough <i>already</i>. <br />
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Now, dear blog reader, <i>From The North</i> provides you with an important public service announcement. <br />
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What a good job it wasn't a bar of extremely expensive Niederegger Marzipan®™, dear blog reader. She'd've probably got <i>life</i> for that.<br />
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Meanwhile, breaking wind, sorry, news. <br />
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One trusts that if the case does, eventually, reach court, this chap will be pumped for further information and have his story ripped apart. <br />
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'I had a burglar. I disturbed him. I said "There <i>is</i> no God"!' <br />
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Which brings us, nicely, to the <i>From The North</i> Headline Of The Week award nominations. Starting with <i>Pulse Hobart</i>'s breath-takingly vivid <a href="https://pulsehobart.com.au/news/late-night-stuck-horn-on-tasmanian-train-blares-for-minutes-wakes-up-town-of-penguin/"><i>Late-Night 'Stuck Horn' On Tasmanian Train Blares For Minutes, Wakes Up Town Of Penguin</i></a>. <br />
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Also, the <i>Huddersfield Examiner</i>'s <a href="https://www.examinerlive.co.uk/news/west-yorkshire-news/huddersfield-residents-disgusted-depressed-over-28298034?"><i>Residents 'Disgusted & Depressed' Over Missed Bin Collections Going Back To October</i></a>. <br />
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Finally - and wholly appropriate to the festive season, dear blog readers - the <i>Evening Chronicle</i>'s <a href="https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/i-met-dishevelled-santa-metrocentre-28281852"><i>I Met A Dishevelled Santa At The Metrocentre Wearing No Shoes Or Hat & Complaining In Front Of Kids</i></a>. Well, to be fair, wouldn't <i>you</i> be complaining if you had no shoes or hat and you had to drive your sleigh around the world on a chilly Christmas Eve <i>and</i> do a shift in Gatesheed too? Above-and-beyond-the-call, <i>that</i>, Santa. <br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-27355901437369145592023-12-10T16:34:00.006+00:002023-12-19T09:29:29.848+00:00Stop Apologising For The Things You've Never Done<div style="text-align: justify;">
Much has occurred in the wide world of shenanigans since the last, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/sixty.html">regular</a>, <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update last month, dearest blog fiends. Not least the publication of the always popular <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><i>Keith Telly Topping Presents ... The From The North TV Awards (2023)</i></a>. And, obviously, there has been the return to television of one, particular, <i>From The North</i> favourite. You <i>may</i> have noticed. <br />
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No, seriously, you <i>must've</i> heard about it. It's been on <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p0gv87pn/doctor-who-2023-trailer-doctor-who-christmas-special?at_mid=ZiID5NRA29&at_campaign=BBC_Trailers_Doctor_Who_Christmas_Special_Pre_Promo&at_medium=display_ad&at_campaign_type=owned&at_link_origin=frontpage_billboard_news&at_product=iplayer&at_brand=p00b0hg9&at_ptr_name=bbc&at_ptr_type=media&at_format=image&at_objective=consumption&at_link_title=BBC_Trailers_Doctor_Who_Christmas_Special_Pre_Promo&at_bbc_team=BBC"><i>telly</i> and everything</a>. <br />
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And, lo, deep joy was had among the multitude at this happenstance (except for all of the sour-faced naysayers and the Special People, who had their usual lip-on and can, frankly, go forth and multiply as far as this blogger is concerned). So, for those dear blog readers who <i>are</i> interested, first there was <i>The Star Beast</i>. This blogger thought that was <i>great</i>. He even got invited to his old place of broadcasting employment, BBC Newcastle, by his former colleague Nick Roberts, to talk about how spectacularly marvellous and great this blogger thought the episode was (as did Nick, as it happens). You can hear this blogger's contribution to <i>The Emma Millan Show</i>, which Nick produces, <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p0grg9xj?fbclid=IwAR0dXzF8iH4bQLcmoQIUjClLFSh_ELntK3NU76gGGswM1HYPgcScdSfIP28">here</a> for the next couple of weeks until the end of December as Keith Telly Topping discusses all-things <b>Doctor Who</b>. Including that perennial favourite, why 'whovian' is such a fek-ugly word and should be shovelled into the nearest gutter along with all the other turds. Keith Telly Topping crops up from one hour and thirty six minutes into the episode - immediately after Janet Jackson. <br />
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Then, a week later, there was <i>Wild Blue Yonder</i>. Which this blogger <i>also</i> thought was great. <br />
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All of it. But, especially one particular little bit right at the end. Which was <i>even greater</i>. <br />
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Then came <i>The Giggle</i>. Guess what, dear blog reader? Yes, that's right, this blogger thought that was <i>great</i> as well. How <i>did</i> you guess? Proper, twenty-four carat great at that with a big, ripe, juicy cherry on top. An episode with not just one happy ending, but <i>two</i>. When Russell Davies said <i>The Giggle</i> was going to be 'unique' as a <b>Doctor Who</b> episode, this blogger doesn't think anyone realised just how literally to take that. <br />
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Of course, not everyone thought these three episodes were great, dear blog reader. Oh, deary me, no. You guessed <i>that</i>, yes? There's always some monobrow'd, slaw-jawed glake with a sodding great chip on their shoulder who will find <i>something</i> to whinge about. The BBC <a href="https://deadline.com/2023/12/doctor-who-complaints-bbc-transgender-character-1235658283/">reportedly</a> received more than one hundred - suspiciously <i>organised</i> - complaints from 'viewers' (or, more accurately, transphobic, agenda-soaked hateful, phlegm-flecked <i>pond-scum</i>) who argued that the inclusion of Yasmin Finney's transgender character, Rose, was 'inappropriate.' And, by implication, the suggestion that <b>Doctor Who</b> as a series being inclusive and open and kind to those who are different is something to be <i>spat</i> upon. The Twenty First Century in a nutshell for you, right there, dear blog reader. The corporation revealed it had one hundred and forty four 'messages' from 'disgruntled viewers' in its fortnightly report on audience complaints. Some of these, no doubt perfect specimens of humanity, claimed that <b>Heartstopper</b> star Finney's character was 'anti-male' (whatever the fek <i>that</i> utter nonsense means) while others alleged it was an 'inappropriate inclusion of [a] transgender character.' 'Inappropriate' in what way, other than to confirm their own narrow shitty worldview and <i>sick</i> agenda, they did not reveal. <i>The Star Beast</i> had a consolidated seven-day audience of more than 7.6 million people meaning these ugly whingers (or <i>scum</i> as this blogger will continue to refer to them now and hereafter) make up the tiniest fraction of but one per cent of the total audience. It is not unusual for the BBC to receive complaints over transgender storylines or reporting (from, just to be clear about this and repeat, <i>scum</i>), 'but the corporation will likely stand by the representation of Rose in <b>Doctor Who</b>' suggests <i>Deadline</i>. Somewhat pointlessly since, <i>of course</i> the BBC will stand by the representation. Because they, themselves, are <i>not</i> scum, basically. During a press conference last month, Russell Davies was unequivocal about his ambition to reflect more of society on screen. He lamented how transgender representation can be vilified in the scummish right-wing press, arguing: '[There are] newspapers of absolute hate and venom and destruction and violence who would rather see that sort of thing wiped off the screen destroyed. <i>Shame on you</i> and good luck to you in your lonely lives.' It seems they're not listening to you, Big Rusty. So, what you really need to do is to cast an actor of colour as The Doctor. That'll <i>definitely</i> piss all the <i>right</i> people off and make them mad as Hell. Oh wait, you already <i>have</i>. Good on ya. <br />
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The second episode also had its - extremely vocal and unwelcome - <a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-isaac-newton-casting-backlash-response/">gobshite online 'backlash'</a> from some worthless lice-cretins who are, obviously, <i>not</i> racist in the slightest (oh no, <i>very</i> hot water). But who, it would seem, did not like the idea of the discoverer of 'mavity', Isaac Newton, being played by Nathaniel Curtis (an actor of British-Indian descent). Though these same people, seemingly, had no problem whatsoever with any number of Asian characters in the series' past being played by Caucasian actors. That was <i>fine</i>, apparently. <a href="https://www.indy100.com/tv/doctor-who-isaac-newton-actor?"><i><b>Doctor Who</b> Upsets Conservatives As Isaac Newton Played By Person Of Colour</i></a> noted the <i>Indy</i>, far more jovially than they should have done, in this blogger's opinion. Sometimes, dear blog reader, there simply aren't the words to describe just how loathsome, wretched and <i>nasty</i> some members of the human race are. 'But ... but ... but ... Keith Telly Topping, I'm <i>not</i> a racist, perish the thought. I'm only interesting in historical accuracy. Like the episode with Charles Dickens, or the one with William Shakespeare where they both <i>met aliens</i>.' Like the man said, '<i>that's</i> all right, then.' <br />
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At the time of writing, the third episode of the sixtieth anniversary trilogy has only just gone out so anything The Special People have found to whinge about in <i>The Giggle</i> hasn't yet reached Keith Telly Topping's attention. But, there's an 'y' in the day so it shouldn't take too long. This blogger is guessing The Toymaker <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTFEoWp6hV8">dancing to The Spice Girls</a>, or <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2MFwLn-SmA">the bi-generation</a>, or Ncuti's y-fronts all probably have gone down like a bucket of cold sick with someone who has access to a keyboard near you and who, of course, <i>knows</i> that they're right. 'At last, you <i>finally</i> caught up with the Twenty First Century!'<br />
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That said, dear blog reader, this blogger is already aware of certain online whinges taking place about elements which are rumoured (though not yet confirmed) to be included in Ncuti Gatwa's debut episode, <i>The Church On Ruby Road</i> a full fortnight and a bit before it has even been <i>broadcast</i>. By overgrown schoolboys in their sixties. So, no change there, then. We're really rather unique, us <b>Doctor Who</b> fans, dear blog reader. You may have noticed. Give us a reason to celebrate and some of us will find a way to turn it into a howl of anguish, despair and wholly impotent rage. <i>Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose</i>. Bring on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXgnqGTOXTE">the singing goblins</a>, Russell, you <i>know</i> it makes sense. <br />
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The future has, very much, arrived dear blog reader. And, despite what some self-entitled arse-wipes of <i>no importance</i> have to say on the matter, it's going to be <i>great</i>! Well, it will be once the new Doctor puts some pants on! <br />
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No, seriously Ncuti mate, you're gonna get yourself arrested before you even <i>meet</i> Ruby down the disco at this rate. Take Detective Inspector Regan's advice and get yer trousers on. <br />
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Meanwhile, the possibilities are now open for a spin-off Doctor/Donna series, of course (or, at the very least, the odd 'special' during periods when the main series in on down-time). This blogger may be going out on a limb here but, given the events of <i>The Giggle</i>, Keith Telly Topping is as reasonably certain as one can be in an uncertain, ever-changing world in which we live in (that line <i>still</i> doesn't make sense, Sir Paul) this <i>isn't</i> the last we've seen of David Tennant's Doctor. Personally, this blogger still believes a Sylvia Noble spin-off could work <i>magnificently</i>. Keith Telly Topping has even got the theme tune sorted. It goes - 'Donna's mum, Donna's mum, Donna's mum, Donna's mum, Donna's mum, Donna's mum, Donna's mum, wooo-oooo-oooo/ooo-ooo...' C'mon, it <i>has</i> potential. <br />
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This blogger is also delighted to report that he is, currently, three episodes into the third series of <i>From The North</i> favourite <b>Slow Horses</b> - a regular feature in both the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2022</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2023</a> <i>From The North</i> 'Best Of' lists. And, it's bloody <i>brilliant</i>. Which, to be fair, this blogger entirely expected, but still, it's nice to have it confirmed. Who can avoid loving a series which suggests that MI5 cold cases are assigned with the importance levels John, Paul, George and Ringo? <br />
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As they mingled in a rooftop bar overlooking Battersea Power Station, ITV executives were 'in a celebratory mood' according to <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2023/12/09/im-celebrity-ratings-flop-terrestrial-tv-decline/">a lengthy piece</a> in the <i>Torygraph</i>. ITVX, the broadcaster's streaming service, was turning a year old. Kevin Lygo, ITV's director of television, hailed ITVX as the year's 'biggest and most successful' streaming launch in the UK. Yet the celebrations belied more fundamental problems currently facing the channel - and public sector broadcasting more widely. <b>I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want)</b>, one of ITV's most sure-fire hits, has suffered a sharp fall in viewing figures, despite (or perhaps because of) the participation of hateful, slappable horroshow Nigel Farage. To the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/dec/04/a-remarkably-bad-investment-is-it-curtains-for-im-a-celebrity">absolute delight</a> of the <i>Gruinad Morning Star</i> who described the reported one million smackers-plus fee paid to Farage for his appearance in the jungle as 'a remarkably bad investmant.' A rapid shift to streaming has left both ITV and rival Channel 4 scrambling to catch-up. And the worst advertising recession since the financial crisis has plunged ad-funded broadcasters into crisis and left them casting around for new areas of growth. As more and more viewers switch off traditional TV in favour of apps such as <i>TikTok</i> and <i>YouTube</i>, executives are facing existential questions about whether their audiences will ever return. <b>I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want)</b> has always been a breadwinner for ITV, with millions of viewers tuning-in to watch public figures put through gruelling humiliation. Yet this year's show has been a disappointment. The series launched to an opening overnight audience of seven million – a two million fall from the previous year's first episode and the worst start to a series in recent memory. It is not just ITV. Earlier this year, Channel 4's audience share dropped to a record low, while the latest figures from ratings agency BARB show its reach was down by more than two million in October compared to a year ago. Falling audiences alone would prompt soul-searching at the broadcasters. But compounding matters is a prolonged advertising slump that has battered their finances. Dame Carolyn McCall, ITV chief executive and Channel 4 boss Alex Mahon have both described the current advertising recession as the worst since 2008. ITV 'expects', the newspaper claims, revenues to be down eight per cent for the year. Channel 4, meanwhile, has warned it may need to dip into its emergency seventy five million knicker 'revolving credit facility.' It expects revenues to be down eight to nine per cent - deeper than previous forecasts - and run a budget deficit this year. Gill Hind at Enders Analysis warns of a 'tough winter' ahead, with ITV's advertising revenues potential falling by as much as fifteen per cent over the festive period compared to last year when there was a boost from the football World Cup. 'Everyone knew the first half of the year was going to be difficult, but there was always this assumption that things would pick up in the last quarter,' she says. That has <i>not</i> come to pass. The prolonged economic crisis is largely to blame, with rising interest rates and geopolitical uncertainty hitting confidence. In particular, tech giants such as Amazon and Deliveroo, which in recent years have splashed out on TV campaigns to build their brands, have cut back spending. Bosses insist the advertising market is cyclical and that they must simply weather the storm. There are also signs of increased investment from consumer giants such as Unilever, P&G and Reckitt Benckiser. But others are less convinced after official government forecasts showed the UK economy will grow by a mere but 0.7 per cent in 2024. 'That's not the sort of stellar macro growth that generally would lead to good advertising,' says media analyst Alex DeGroote. 'I don't buy the cyclical recovery in media and entertainment, not with the economic forecast we have. I just don't buy it.' The sharp downturn has, the <i>Torygraph</i> allege, 'left executives scrambling to prepare for life after terrestrial TV.' The rise of streaming rivals at the expense of traditional TV viewing - known in the industry as 'linear' - has prompted the channels to pump vast sums into their own online offerings. The aim is simple in theory: turn streaming into the primary source of revenue to offset the decline in linear. ITVX has racked up over 2.7 billion streams in its first year. Channel 4's streaming views are up twenty three per cent in the year so far, with 6.7 billion viewer minutes recorded in October alone. However, the broadcasters are competing in an increasingly crowded field and US giants are struggling themselves. Both Netflix and Disney have rolled out ad-supported tiers in an effort to stem a slowdown in subscriber growth. Amazon Prime will push ahead with similar plans next year. These new tiers threaten to eat into advertising budgets and offer more choice to subscribers just as the linear TV players are seeking to build their platforms. In a further looming threat, the Government this week launched a review into future funding models for the BBC, which could see the broadcaster's licence fee income replaced - at least in part - by advertising. Supporters of TV advertising argue that the emergence of new ad-funded tiers is a vote of confidence in the medium, adding that this is expected to boost overall TV investment next year. DeGroote is not convinced: 'There is a relatively finite demand for advertising in most markets.' Perhaps more alarming for the traditional broadcasters is a step change in how audiences are consuming media. Analysts warn that ITV's digital viewing is simply cannibalising its linear audiences, leaving limited scope for growth. Figures from BARB show ITVX viewing has grown by four hundred and fifty eight million hours this year, but its traditional viewing has fallen by more than four hundred and eighty five million over the same period. 'The issue is that your digital audience is not compensating for your decline in linear audience,' says Hind. Figures published by Ofcom over the summer showed a record fall in the weekly reach of broadcast TV to seventy nine per centc in 2022, down from eighty three per centc the previous year. In addition to services such as Netflix and Disney, younger audiences in particular are defecting to short-form rivals like <i>TikTok</i> and <i>YouTube</i>. Channel 4, which primarily targets young viewers, has inked a partnership with <i>YouTube</i> in an effort to expand its audience. Yet traditional viewing is declining even among the over-Sixty Fours. This raises the prospect that broadcasters are now battling a structural decline as audiences spend ever more time on their phones and online. Speaking in front of MPs last month, Mahon played down the threat from streaming and insisted that free-to-air TV still had a role. She said: 'With an economic crisis and inflation and the realities of people not being able to spend what they previously could, people are also switching off subscription services in some cases and are quite happy to have things for free and understand that in recompense for that they watch adverts.' As viewing declines, ITV is placing ever more focus on its studios business, which is responsible for hits including <b>Line Of Duty</b> and <b>Bodyguard</b>. The company made 1.52 billion quid from this division in the third quarter and plans to grow revenues by at least five per cent each year on average to 2026. In the short term, though, it has been hurt by Hollywood strikes. For Channel 4, too, production could be the answer. The recently published Media Bill drops a ban on the broadcaster from making its own shows, opening the door to a new in-house production unit. However, bosses have acknowledged that any such move would take <i>years</i> to get up and running. Sir Ian Cheshire, Channel 4's chairman, recently admitted that this strategy was 'not a silver bullet', although a company spokesman said its 'digital transformation is well ahead' of rivals. While Christmas will be tough, broadcasters face even tougher longer-term questions over whether the decline in both audiences and advertising revenues can be reversed. 'TV is not going to die because there's certain things that you watch TV for that will always be on TV,' Hind says. For DeGroote, however, the shift to streaming can ultimately do little more than soften the blow of broader decline. <br />
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<i>From The North</i> favourite Stephen Fry has said he finally feels comfortable returning to work - three months after having a nasty six feet fall from a stage at London's O2 Arena. The actor, writer, broadcaster, wit and all-round good bloke spoke about his recovery for the first time during an interview with Claudia Winkleman on her Radio 2 show on Saturday. He was left needing constant physiotherapy after breaking his leg, pelvis and a 'bunch of ribs.' But he will soon be back on screens, hosting a UK version of <b>Jeopardy!</b> Stephen said he 'praised my lucky stars' he did not injure his spine or skull after falling onto concrete while trying to exit the stage following a lecture about AI at the O2 Arena in Greenwich, in September. 'I did my bow after delivering this lecture, turned to go off-stage and didn't realise that I was walking off the part of the stage where there was nothing - just a six-foot drop onto concrete,' he said. 'So I broke my right leg in a couple of places and my hip and pelvis in four places and a bunch of ribs.' Speaking to Winklepicker about his new ITV show <b>Jeopardy!</b> - which is already a popular quiz in the US and has been for decades - he said it had been 'an exciting week' as he flew to Zurich for an event and did not need to use his walking stick for the first time since his fall. The sixty six-year-old added he was now fine, as 'like Lazarus I cast aside my crutches' and will return to work. Whatsherface said she had no idea his accident had happened, but Fry quickly responded that 'I didn't want to make a fuss about it.' When asked what the secret was behind his recovery, he said 'constant physiotherapy,' although he was reluctant to take Oxycontin on his first night at hospital, as it is known for being a highly addictive opioid. He has spoken openly in the past as his previous battles with addiction and, in his memoir <i>More Fool Me</i>, admitted to taking cocaine in Buckingham Palace, both Houses of Parliament and BBC TV Centre. However, he changed his mind about taking the opioid when a surgeon told him the pills 'are not there for your comfort, they are there for your recovery and to save the NHS money.' Stephen also said he felt 'self-conscious' about walking without a cane for the first time near his home in central London. 'The pavements are absolutely packed and people will stop to take a picture of the Christmas lights and you get worried about bumping into people. but it has been fine so far, but I feel self-conscious without the stick,' he said. Finally, he added that although it was a 'tired cliché', he wanted to thank that staff at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Woolwich as 'it is not a famous hospital but they are doing extraordinary work and were very kind.' Recalling how he got the job as host of <b>Jeopardy!</b>, which begins on New Year's Day, Stephen said he just happened to bring up the show during a dinner with his American agent while he was in the US filming episodes of the Apple TV series <b>The Morning Show</b>. 'He asked me what I was getting up to everyday and I said: "Well, my husband and I are not very Hollywood party animals or anything like that. We usually stay at home, one of us will cook and we'll watch <b>Jeopardy!</b>,"' he told Winkly-Wimey. He added they went on to talk more about the show, with Stephen telling his agent he wondered why there had never been a UK version, as it was 'the best format I've ever encountered. A couple of weeks later, he calls up and says: "They're very excited about you hosting <b>Jeopardy!</b>" and I said: "Excuse me?"' He joked, before adding he was won over when he visited the set. <b>Jeopardy!</b> was an 'absolute institution', Stephen said, as the rules are different to other quiz shows. Rather than a traditional question and answer format, contestants will instead receive facts about a subject in the form of answers and they have to identify what the question could be. <br />
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<i>From The North</i> favourite Stephen Fry, yes him again, once noted during an episode of <b>Qi</b> that there is an area in the middle of the Pacific Ocean where, for some reason, much of the world's discarded flotsam and jetsam seems to collect itself. This is known as the '<a href="https://education.nationalgeographic.org/resource/great-pacific-garbage-patch/">Pacific Trash Vortex</a>'. And this, Stephen claimed, was the best unused name for a thrash-metal band imaginable. Recently, this blogger learned that there is a layer of archaeology in London which historians believe marks the point that much of the Roman city of Londinium was destroyed circa 60AD during the Iceni uprising. This, apparently, is known to archaeologists as the '<a href="https://thepathsofsurvival.co.uk/2019/08/22/destruction-horizon/">Boudican Destruction Horizon</a>'. Does anybody else <i>really</i> want to go to their local entertainment venue of loud popular music on Saturday night (after <b>Doctor Who</b>'s finished, obviously) and watch Boudican Destruction Horizon supported by Pacific Trash Vortex? Just this blogger, then?<br />
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Let's face it, dear blog reader, <i>all</i> the cool kids are doing it. <br />
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Saturday is probably this blogger's favourite day of the week, dear blog reader. It's so ... Saturday-y. Of all the days of the week, Saturday's are, <i>definitely</i>, the most Saturday-y. Except, possibly, Friday. <br />
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And so, we come to that part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than ... <i>The Universe</i>, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into the New Year <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">feeling rotten</a>; experienced five day <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more of them</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; continued to suffer from <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured a second <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took <i>ages</i> to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where nothing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">remotely health-related occurred</a>; received further <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; was subject to more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; received yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">blood tests</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a>; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sick note</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some surprising but welcome <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of general <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into 2023</a>. There was that whole '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the painful night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; getting some new <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">spectacles</a>; returning to the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">East End pool</a>. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling genuinely <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">wretched</a>. Experiencing a nasty bout of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">gastroenteritis</a>. Had a visit from an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>. Did the 'accidentally going out in my <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">slippers</a>' malarkey. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">return</a> of the dreaded insomnia and the dreaded return of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/they-dont-know-what-is-what.html">the fatigue</a>. The latest <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/if-its-not-love-then-its-bomb-that-will.html">tri-monthly prickage</a>; plus, yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/death-so-called-is-thing-which-makes.html">sleep disturbances</a>, a further bout of day time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/fudgel-today-shivviness-tomorrow.html">retinology</a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/the-square-on-globe.html">exhaustion</a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/my-long-sickness-of-health-living-now.html">a nasty cold</a> in the week that he got his latest Covid and influenza inoculations and then, he got through <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/the-department-of-baths-them-be-atles.html">the entire Department Of Baths malarkey</a> (and, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/sixty.html">its sequel</a>) whilst suffering simultaneously from significant, on-going, really dreadful back-pain. <br />
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This blogger had just settled down with a nice cup of hot, sweet Joe on Wednesday 29 November to watch some TV when the post arrived at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Including, as it did, a letter from the hospital confirming that this blogger does <i>not</i> have cancer of the arsehole. Not that he thought he did, you'll be delighted to know. But he does get tested for it, annually (and, indeed, anally) and it's always nice to get confirmation of the all-clear. <br />
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Friday 1 December, dearest blog readers, was a truly <i>horrible day</i> on all sorts of levels what with one thing and another. Mainly another. It was the coldest of the year to date, a foot of snow had fallen outside overnight and, as usually happens when the biting cold comes, this blogger's back decided to pretty much wave a little white flag and stop working completely. Thus throwing tentative plans Keith Telly Topping had formed to manoeuvre his new mattress into place and get rid of the old one over the subsequent weekend right out of the window (for the <i>second</i> time in as many weeks). Fortunately, all of <i>that</i> was somewhat petty and small in the great scheme of things but then this blogger had a phone-call from a close friend imparting some properly <i>heart-breaking</i> and appalling news. It was, frankly, one of those days where one just felt like crawling back into bed and giving up on the day completely by lunchtime. So, this blogger <i>did</i>. Nevertheless, some <i>really</i> deserved salt and chilli crispy beef with yung chow fried rice and a smattering of curry sauce helped to cheer this blogger up a bit. Not a lot, you understand, just a bit. Then, this blogger's new bedtime regime (filling three hot water bottles and having a roasting-hot shower immediately before turning-in to watch <i>Doctor Phibes Rises Again</i> on Talking Pictures TV) saw Keith Telly Topping having the best night's sleep he'd had in, literally, <i>months</i>. Causation does not equate to correlation, of course, dear blog reader. Nevertheless, this blogger is going to be doing <i>that</i> pretty much every night from now on (well, not the <i>Doctor Phibes</i> bit, necessarily. That was a one-night-only thing - although this blogger <i>does</i> have it on DVD if push comes to shove). <br />
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This blogger mentioned that he <i>really</i> deserved this, yes? And the beef was, indeed, <i>very</i> crispy dear blog reader. <br />
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Praise be, hosanna on high and all heil in merciful gratitude was, therefore, due to Our Maureen Telly Topping and Our Colin Telly Topping for coming down to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, manoeuvring the old, rotting-to-sawdust Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House mattress (which, point of interest, used to belong to Our Aly Telly Topping) out of The Grand Appointed Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bedroom, down The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House stairs and out into The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House garden for the council to come and collect. And then, after some necessary vacuuming, also manoeuvring the new, extra springy (only without any actual springs) Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House Dormeo supa-doopah mattress in its place. Above and beyond the call of duty, fam. Respect is due, blood. And further crass and semi-inarticulate expressions of thanks. <br />
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At early morning appointment at the Medical Centre followed the next day for yet more blood and wee-wee tests. As usual, regarding the former, the nurse - in that case, the extremely lovely but a bit hapless Nurse Sarah - had great difficulty in finding a vein in this blogger's notoriously thin-veined armd. And so, she had to have a go at <i>both</i> of them before finding any blood in there to actually extract. Thus this blogger now has matching - and, rather comfortingly balanced - small Elastoplasts on each arm. A couple of days later, this blogger received a call from the surgery informing him that the blood tests had suggested his kidney functions weren't, quite, what they should be and he would require a <i>further</i> series of bloods (with an appointment arranged for 22 December). 'That doesn't sound very good,' this blogger noted. 'Should I be <i>worried</i> about this?' The nurse reassured this blogger the fact that he hadn't been rushed in the next day suggested it was a minor issue rather than a major one. <br />
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Nevertheless, this blogger must confess that he's never been a fan of steak and kidney pie. Never eat <i>anything</i> the lack of which in any animal causes renal failure. It's one of the principles this blogger lives by, dear blog reader. Not even if you get them with a nice plate of chips and gravy. <br />
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Let is be noted, however, that the last fortnight hasn't entirely been what we Oop-North call 'a right-shite state of affairs', dear blog reader. There has, actually, been some moderately pleasant stuff occurring. Take, for instance, a pure-dead total cush and well-civilised couple of hours this blogger spent talking TV and movies over a jolly nice lunch with his fiend Young Malcolm Hunter at the Little Asia on Stowell Street. We do this sort of thing every six weeks or so as previous bloiggerisatiuonism updates have recorded. But this one was the first time since September due, at least in part, to this blogger's inability to leave the house for any serious length of time whilst all of that there Department Of Baths malarkey was on-going. <br />
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It was, as you may be able to tell from the photographic evidence provided, a thoroughly miserable, wet, cold and gloomy day. Which necessitated, firstly, a pot of hot Jasmine tea just so this blogger was able to feel his extremities again after standing out-doors waiting for Young Malcolm to arrive. A man could lose his bearings on such a day and this blogger very nearly <i>did</i>. Once he got warm, however, he started to feel much better. <br />
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That was followed by a starter of chicken and sweetcorn soup with prawn crackers. <br />
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Then, sesame prawn toast with a very tangy sweet and sour sauce dip. <br />
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And, as the main course, chicken and pork curry with egg fried rice. All of which was polished off during a lengthy debate about the relative merits of <b>The Gold Robbers</b>, <b>Manhunt</b>, <b>Doctor Who</b>, <b>The Champions</b> and other vitally important matters that we men discuss when setting the world to rights. <br />
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Jeez, dear blog reader, deliveries from Amazon just seem to get worse and worse. There was a furious rap on The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House door one day last week. 'Ho', this blogger thought, as is his want. 'Ho! There's someone at the front door, so there is.' Keith Telly Topping had ordered, the previous day, a new external DVD drive for The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House laptop which was something he'd been after for a while but had never gotten around to purchasing. Decent price and next day delivery persuaded him that the time was right for such a purchase. So, he got himself out of the armchair and went downstairs a quickly as he could (which, let's be honest, <i>isn't</i> exactly rapid even at the best of times ... and this certainly wasn't the best of times). Only to find no-one there except for a delivery driver chap just about to get into his car and drive off. 'Yes?' this blogger bellowed across the snowbound lawns of The Stately Telly Topping Manor garden towards him. 'By the bin, mate' had said without further explanation, getting into his vehicle and speeding off as fast as his wheels would go on the ice-covered roads of The Estate. There, indeed, was the package (see photographic evidence, attached). <br />
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Plus points first, when they said 'next day delivery' this blogger certainly didn't expect it to be <i>before</i> 9am next day so well done to them for <i>that</i>. Significant minus point however - it was, according to this blogger's phone, minus four (Celsius) out there. If this blogger hadn't heard the knock it could've been hours before he'd gone down to check and the package - resting, delicately, on a pile of leaves atop a further pile of snow - would've been frozen solid like a brick of ice. This blogger looked forward to trying out his new - <i>non</i>-frozen - DVD drive later but, what a complete Christoph Glucking Jeremy Hunt of a stunt to pull, eh? Keith Telly Topping received a 'your package has been delivered, please give us a rating' e-mail shortly thereafter from Amazon. He did, indeed, do <i>exactly</i> that. It wasn't a pretty sight, dear blog reader. <br />
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A <i>rotten</i> Monday morning, followed. The snow, by now, had been replaced by sleet, meaning that the roads were like glass in some places and total mush in others. This blogger had to go out to get the weekly shopping because he was going to be busy most of the rest of the week what with one thing or another. Mostly another. The bus was, somewhat inevitably, late so he was drenched from head-to-foot by the time it arrived. And, also, it was a single-decker so it was sodding <i>jam-packed</i> solid and this blogger, bad-back and all, had to stand all the way down to Waallsend. By the time this blogger got to the hypermarket, with a throbbing headache and full of phlegm, he rushed round the shop as fast as his little legs would carry him getting everything he needed for the week ahead. Because he wanted to get home and out of the sleet, fairly obviously. And then, the fun <i>really</i> started. There was some spotty youth on the tills who, frankly, didn't have a frigging clue. This blogger knew there were going to be problems when Keith Telly Topping saw this kid taking several attempts to get the barcode reader to recognise a bag of onions for lady in front, finally give up with a disgusted 'crap!' and, instead of typing in the handy fifty seven digit barcode(!), he simply threw the bag at her with a 'you're getting that one for free, be grateful' look on his spotty boat. Now, listen dear blog reader, in his time this blogger has done the whole 'learning a job by <i>doing</i> the job without any any meaningful training' thing on more than one occasion. This blogger was not unsympathetic towards the spotty youth's plight. Keith Telly Topping is not a monster. But, it must be said, this kid was worse than bloody useless. He over-charged this blogger for one (on-sale) item (only fifty pence, but still, it's better in my pocket than someone else's), undercharged this blogger for another (so, <i>that</i> kind-of balanced it all out) and then, when this blogger gave him a handful of ten per cent off coupons and a five pound off the total coupon (which, remember, <i>they had given me</i> when this blogger was last in the shop) the look of horror on the spotty youth's face was worthy of the final scene of <i>The Wicker Man</i>. <br />
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So, the spotty youth puts them through the barcode reader and the five pound one works fine. One of ten per cent coupons works fine. The other one, however, does not. So he gives it back to this blogger and mumbles something incoherent. 'I beg your pardon?' this blogger asks. He mumbles again. 'I'm sorry, I can't hear what you're saying.' 'That isn't working' he blurts out, only slightly louder than the previous two mumbles but at least this blogger understood that. 'Why?' this blogger asks, not unreasonably, he felt. The spotty youth shrugged, unhelpfully. This blogger points out that the coupon offers ten per cent off all milk and dairy products, that it has a 'use by 4 December' date on it, which was that day's date so it was, clearly, still valid. And, that this blogger had bought two pints of milk and two tubs of butter so, what, exactly, was the problem? The spotty youth shrugged again, looking really rather pathetic. By this point, of course, there was queue of ten behind this blogger and he was starting to perceive really nasty 'fek-off' vibes from some of these punters. Keith Telly Topping says 'oh, never mind, I'll take it up with someone who knows what they're doing', dumps everything into his trolly and heads off towards Customer Services down by the exit. When this blogger got there, however, there was a queue as long as ... a very long queue indeed. Oh, sod this, Keith Telly Topping thought to himself, ten per cent off £2.60 and a fiver is only seventy six pence, the hit <i>can</i> be taken. So, this blogger went outside, loaded all his shopping into two bags, limped to the bus stop, got on the bus which arrived, thankfully, within a minute and then, only at that point, did he actually <i>look</i> at the bill and find that the spotty youth hasn't actually charged this blogger for <i>anything</i> and it was a zero total. This blogger checked to make sure he still had his bank card which he had giving to the spotty youth to run through. Happily, he had. Then Keith Telly Topping, briefly, considered getting off the bus, walking the two stops back to the shop, queuing up for twenty minutes (at least) at Customer Services and then having to explain to them that he'd just purchased around thirty quid's worth of stuff but that he appeared not to have been charged for it. Because the spotty youth on the till, clearly, didn't know what the Hell he was doing. This blogger considered the options, by which time, the bus had travelled two further stops and the sleet was now pelting down and Keith Telly Topping decided, do you know what, I'm not going to bother frankly. This blogger did, however, feel genuinely unhappy about it in one way (cos he is, basically, an honest chap at heart) and he imagined that when the shop totalled up that particular till at the end of the day, the spotty youth was going to be on the end of the bollocking of a lifetime. But, on the other hand ... this blogger was wet and cold and his back was <i>knacking</i>. And he urgently needed to make himself a ham and cheese sandwich and nice hot sweet cup of Joe and have a sit down for an hour to recover. So, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, level with this blogger, was he an utterly <i>terrible</i> person? Did he do the wrong thing by not attempting to correct what was, let usd remember, <i>the shop's own</i> mistake? Should he have spent four quid getting the bus <i>back</i> there once he'd dried off and taken a couple of painkillers? Or, should he - as, in fact, he did - look upon this as a) a blow against The Capitalist System? b) a necessary and, this blogger feels, productive, lesson to that particular hypermarket chain not to put untrained teenagers on the tills (even, perhaps especially, during busy periods)? and c) a thirty quid bonus which this blogger could use to heat The Stately Telly Topping Manor for about half-an-hour? Comments? Suggestions? <br />
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This blogger was never a supporter of any of the football teams that Terry Venables either played for or, later, managed (apart from England, obviously - although he always had something of a soft spot for Barcelona). But, Keith Telly Topping always rather admired El Tel on all sorts of levels. He was a class player, particularly later in his career at Queens Park Rangers when he became one of those embodiments of a player who actually improves with age (see also, Johnny Giles, Gary Speed, Peter Beardsley <i>et cetera</i>). And, as a manager, his teams always played the game the way that we'd all like to think it <i>should</i> be played, with skill, intensity and an occasional reckless abandon towards defending. Additionally, he was a multi-talented man. A singer (with one - <i>cheerfully awful</i> - <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WHkaIW94Wk">top fifty UK hit</a> on Decca Records), an actor and a writer - this blogger was a <b>big</b> fan of <b>Hazell</b>, the TV series based on the novels that Terry co-wrote whilst still playing football professionally. More importantly, from interviews he always seemed like a genuinely good bloke - with a great sense of humour and a compassion for others. And, importantly, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a304obb--wY">a love of Elvis</a>. So, this blogger was saddened to hear of his death and, whilst eighty isn't a bad innings by any stretch, Keith Telly Topping still thinks the world would've probably been a better place if he'd managed another decade on it.<br />
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<i>From The North</i> favourite Brigit Forsyth, who has died aged eighty three, made her name as Thelma in the award-winning BBC sitcom and <i>from The North</i> favourite <b>Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads?</b> One critic described Thelma as being so prim that 'she could turn the lifting of a lace curtain into an art form.' Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais' creation, which ran from 1973 to 1974, was the sequel to the popular 1960s sitcom <b>The Likely Lads</b>, which starred <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2017/11/rodney-bewes-in-chocolate-box-of-life.html">the late Rodney Bewes</a> and James Bolam as Bob Ferris and Terry Collier. it was one of the few occasions where a sequel not only equals but, actually, surpasses the qualities of the original. Thelma Chambers was brought in as the upwardly-mobile fiancée of the upwardly-mobile Bob, now in the white-collar class with a mortgage, car and an annual holiday in Cyprus, all scoffed at by Terry who still clung on, doggedly, to his working-class roots. Thelma and Bob were married at the end of the first series. 'Up until then, I had done a lot of drama on telly,' said Bridgit. 'If I wasn't being murdered, I was murdering somebody or I was a disturbed art teacher. I was playing quite a lot of deranged people, so comedy was a nice change.' She also appeared in the 1976 big-screen adaptation, <i>The Likely Lads</i>. <br />
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She created laughs again with the sitcom <b>Sharon & Elsie</b> (1984-85), in which she co-starred as the middle-class Elsie Beecroft alongside Janette Beverley as the more down-to-earth Sharon Wilkes, two employees in a greetings card manufacturing company. But Bridgit's own favourite television part was that of Francine Pratt in <b>Playing The Field</b> (1998-2002), the on-and off-pitch women's football drama created by Kay Mellor. Her character, who hated the game, was married to the Castlefield Blues' sponsor, played by Ricky Tomlinson and kept him happy in return for designer clothes and other luxuries. 'I have never played awful glamour before,' she said. 'I had a blonde wig, six-inch heels, makeup and my bosom hitched up high.' Bridgit was born as Brigit Dorothea Connell in Malton, to Scottish parents Anne, an artist and Frank Connell, an architect and town planner, and brought up in Edinburgh. She was mesmerised by Stanley Baxter's performances as a pantomime dame at the city's King's Theatre and, aged eighteen, landed her own first lead role, as Sarat Carn, on her way to the gallows, in Charlotte Hastings's play <i>Bonaventure</i> with The Makars amateur drama group. But when she left St George's school, Edinburgh, her parents insisted she learn a skill, so she trained as a secretary. After a couple of jobs, she headed for London and RADA (1958-60), where she won the Emile Littler prize. She began her professional career back in Edinburgh with the Gateway theatre company (1960-61) before moving on to the Theatre Royal, Lincoln (1961-62) and the Arthur Brough Players in Folkestone (1962). With other actors already named Brigit McConnell and Bridget O'Connell, she changed her professional name to he mother's maiden name, Forsyth, on her return to Lincoln in 1962. At the Edinburgh festival three years later, she played one of The Weird Sisters in a headline-making production of <i>Macbeth</i>. 'That show caused an absolute uproar because they wanted the witches to have the bodies of young girls and the faces of old women and they wanted us to have our top-half naked,' Bridgit recalled. 'But the Earl of Harewood, who was running the EIF at the time, said "No." So they put nipple caps on us, which looked absolutely disgusting - and they used to drop off each night. It was absolutely hysterical.' Later, in the West End, she played Annie in <i>The Norman Conquests</i> (1974-76) and Dusa in the feminist play <i>Dusa, Fish, Stas & Vi</i> (Mayfair Theatre, 1976-77). She put her TV breakthrough down to cutting her hair short. 'It proved a tremendously lucky omen,' she said. That break came with <b>Adam Smith</b> (1972), in which she played the younger daughter of the title character, a Scottish minister (Andrew Keir). The director, Brian Mills, then worked with Bridget on the psychological thriller <b>Holly</b> (1972), in which she took the part of a young arts teacher kidnapped by a mentally unstable student. Bridgit and Mills married in 1976. Television roles kept on coming. She was Veronica, one of the product-promotion team, in <b>The Glamour Girls</b> (1980-82), Harriet in the inter-generational sitcom <b>Tom, Dick & Harriet</b> (1982-83) and Helen Yeldham, a hotelier, in the 1989 series of <b>Boon</b>. There were also appearances in soap opera: as GP Judith Vincent in <b>The Practice</b> (1985-86); Babs Fanshawe, Ken Barlow's escort agency date who died of a heart attack, in a 1998 <b>Coronation Street</b> episode; Delphine LaClair, a sales rep for a French company interested in buying Rodney Blackstock's vineyards, for two short runs in <b>Emmerdale</b> (2005-06); Cressida, mother of the millionaire Nate Tenbury-Newent, in <b>Hollyoaks</b> in 2013 and three roles in <b>Doctors </b>between 2000 and 2012. She was terrific as the kindly, if frequently bewildered school teacher Miss Maitland in Russell Davies's debut TV drama series <b>Dark Season</b> (1994), also noteworthy for co-starring a young Kate Winslet in her first major television role. Brigit also played the miserable Madge, who frustrates her sister Mavis's attempts at a relationship with Granville, in the sitcom sequel <b>Still Open All Hours</b> (2013-19). Her CV also included appearances in <b>R3</b>, <b>The Wednesday Play</b>, <b>Boy Meets Girl</b>, <b>Doctor Finlay's Casebook</b>, <b>Doctor Who</b> (in 1967's memorable seven-parter <i>The Evil Of The Daleks</i>), <b>Thirty Minute Theatre</b>, <b>Detective</b>, <b>The Sinners</b>, <b>Leave It To Charlie</b>, <b>Graham's Gang</b>, <b>Holding The Fort</b>, <b>Poirot</b>, <b>Running Wild</b>, <b>Nice Town</b>, <b>Murder Most Horrid</b>, <b>Harry Enfield & Chums</b> (in the well-remembered <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxpYW_w5pgo"><i>William Ulsterman</i> sketch</a>), <b>Down To Earth</b>, <b>The Outsiders</b>, <b>Jinx</b>, <b>Waterloo Road</b> and <b>Time & Again</b>. A cellist from the age of nine, Brigit starred as the real-life virtuoso Beatrice Harrison in a 2004 tour of <i>The Cello & The Nightingale</i>. Also on tour, she was a remarkably believable Queen Elizabeth II in <i>A Question Of Attribution</i> (2000) and played Marie in <i>Calendar Girls</i> (2008). 'I'm Mrs Frosty-Knickers, the one who doesn't approve of it all.' In 2017, she played a terminally ill musician in the stage comedy <i>Killing Time</i>, written by her daughter, Zoe Mills, who acted alongside her. At the time, Brigit revealed that her maternal grandfather, a GP in Yorkshire, had helped dying patients to end their lives. Declaring herself a supporter of euthanasia, she said: 'He bumped off probably loads of people with doses of morphine.' In 1999, Brigit separated from her husband, but they remained on good terms until his death in 2006. She is survived by their children, Ben and Zoe. <br />
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Despite the occasionally visceral and often rebellious nature of his poetry, <i>From The North</i> favourite Benjamin Zephaniah, who has died aged sixty five of a brain tumour, had such wide appeal in the UK that he became something near a national treasure, attracting devotion among all classes and types of people. With a down-to-earth mission to take poetry wherever he could - and especially to those who would not normally read it - his reach also extended to other parts of the world, where he was respected as a writer and performer who could be relied upon to speak his mind with forthrightness, honesty and often self-effacing humour. From an unpromising start to life in Birmingham, Zephaniah hauled himself into the public eye during the early 1980s by hitching himself to a post-punk caravan of streetwise performance poets such as John Cooper Clarke and, at a slightly greater remove, one of his heroes, Linton Kwesi Johnson - all of whom eschewed the abstract in favour of writing with a fierce political edge about everyday life. Focusing initially on the debilitating effects of racism, including through his breakthrough poems 'Dis Policeman Keeps On Kicking Me To Death' and 'Fight Dem, Not Me', Zephaniah later branched out to consider other topics that were close his heart, including unemployment, homelessness and, as a vegan from the age of thirteen, animal rights. In addition to writing novels for adults, he also harnessed his talent for simple language to become a bestselling author for teenagers, with books such as <i>Talking Turkeys</i> (1994) and <i>Windrush Child</i> (2020) that became standard school reading material in multicultural Britain. Zephaniah was born Benjamin Obadiah Iqbal Springer in the Hockley area of Birmingham in April 1958 to Oswald Springer, a post office worker and Leneve, a nurse, who had emigrated to Britain from Barbados and Jamaica respectively. He had a twin sister, Velda and six other siblings. Experiencing racism as a child on an almost daily basis, he also felt unhappiness at home, where his father was a distant and violent figure, especially towards his mother. When Benjamin was ten, after Leneve had received an especially savage beating, she and Benjamin went on the run together. Living a hand-to-mouth existence, the pair never returned, leaving the other children of the family in estrangement. The dislocation that followed had its effect on Zephaniah: at thirteen he was expelled from Broadway school, later spending time in borstal, while in his late teens he was imprisoned for various offences, including affray and burglary. Poetry, Rastafarianism and an iron will were his salvation. Realising that he was going to face further longer spells in jail or even an early death through gang-related violence, at the age of twenty two he left Birmingham and headed for London to be a poet. One of his first memories of composing poetry had come as a small boy while walking to the corner shop and, though dyslexic, he had inherited from his mother a great lyrical facility. By the age of fifteen he had a reputation as a wordsmith and when the elders of his mother's church, feeling he had a prophet-like quality with language, dubbed him Zephaniah ('treasured by God'), the name stuck. <br />
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In London he became part of the often overlapping punk, reggae and alternative comedy scenes, reading his poems during breaks at gigs. His first collection of poetry, <i>Pen Rhythm</i>, was published in 1980 by a co-operative, after which, like Johnson, he began to turn to dub poetry, adding reggae music to his words with a debut album, <i>Rasta</i> (1982). It featured The Wailers' first recording since the death of Bob Marley as well as a tribute to Nelson Mandela. The album gained Benjamin international prestige and topped the Yugoslavian charts. It was because of this recording that he was introduced to Mandela and, in 1996, Mandela requested that Zephaniah host the President's <i>Two Nations Concert</i> at the Royal Albert Hall. Soon in demand for radio, TV and film work, Zephaniah played Moses in the film <i>Farendj</i> in 1990 and had his own TV play, <b>Dread Poets Society</b>, screened by the BBC the following year. In it, Benjamin plays himself on an inter-city train to London for a job interview meeting Byron, Keats and Mary and Percy Shelley. He laos made minor appearances in several TV programmes in the 1980s and 1990s, including <b>The Bill</b> (1994), Th<b>e Comic Strip Presents ...</b> (1994) and <b>Crucial Tales</b> (1996). His 2005 BBC documentary about his life, <b>A Picture Of Birmingham</b>, was much acclaimed as was a 2020 appearance on <b>Qi</b>. His first novel, <i>Face</i>, about a young man whose life is dramatically changed by facial injuries he receives while joyriding, was published in 1999, but in the preceding years he had continued to produce a steady stream of poetry collections, including <i>The Dread Affair</i> (1985), <i>Inna Liverpool</i> (1988), <i>City Psalms</i> (1992) and <i>Propa Propaganda</i> (1996). In addition to his fourteen poetry books and seven dub poetry CDs, over the years he produced further novels and children's books, as well as seven plays. Among his more high-profile acting roles was a stint as the street preacher Jeremiah Jesus in the TV drama series <b>Peaky Blinders</b>. Zephaniah was poet in residence at the chambers of Michael Mansfield QC and sat in on the inquiry into Bloody Sunday and other cases, these experiences leading to his <i>Too Black, Too Strong</i> poetry collection (2001). <i>We Are Britain!</i> (2002) was a collection of poems celebrating cultural diversity. In August 2001 his second novel <i>Refugee Boy</i>, about a fourteen-year-old from Ethiopia and Eritrea, was published. It was the recipient of the 2002 Portsmouth Book Award. In 2013 the novel was adapted as a play by Zephaniah's long-time friend Lemn Sissay. In May 2011, he accepted a year-long position as poet-in-residence at Keats House in Hampstead, his first residency role for more than ten years. Accepting the role, he commented: 'I don't do residencies, but Keats is different. He's a one-off, and he has always been one of my favourite poets.' In 2016, Zephaniah wrote the foreword to <i>Angry White People: Coming Face-To-Face With The British Far Right</i> by Hsiao-Hung Pai. Benjamin's frank autobiography, <i>The Life & Rhymes Of Benjamin Zephaniah</i>, was published to coincide with his sixtieth birthday in 2018, when BBC Sounds broadcast him reading his own text. 'I'm still as angry as I was in my twenties,' he said. The <i>Birmingham Mail</i> dubbed him 'the people's laureate.' In later life he moved from London to Lincolnshire, where he lived quietly, notwithstanding the energy he threw into countless projects and his energetic support for his beloved Aston Villa. Although committed to widening access and undermining elites, Zephaniah saw this as compatible with academic work and in 2011 accepted the post of professor of poetry and creative writing at Brunel University, where he was a regular, friendly presence in the staffroom and a committed, hardworking lecturer. More recently he had been spending three months of the year in China, where he practised <i>tai cht</i>, but, despite his largely peaceable nature, he remained an angry man with a punk sensibility, identifying, he said, most easily with anarchism and observing that 'when I see what people have to put up with from their governments, I'm surprised they don't rise up more often.' Consistently radical to the end, he refused the offer of an OBE in 2003. In a subsequent article for the <i>Gruniad</i>, he elaborated upon reasons for rejecting it: 'Me? I thought, OBE me? Up yours, I thought. I get angry when I hear that word "empire"; it reminds me of slavery, it reminds of thousands of years of brutality, it reminds me of how my foremothers were raped and my forefathers brutalised. Benjamin Zephaniah OBE - no way Mister Blair, no way Mrs Queen. I am profoundly anti-empire.' Fifteen years later, he scotched any idea that he might become the poet laureate in succession to Carol Ann Duffy by explaining in poetic form: 'Don't take my word, go check the verse/Cause every laureate gets worse.' He joined Amnesty International in speaking out against homophobia in Jamaica, saying: 'For many years Jamaica was associated with freedom fighters and liberators, so it hurts when I see that the home of my parents is now associated with the persecution of people because of their sexual orientation.' He was married for twelve years to Amina, a theatre administrator. The couple divorced in 2001. In May 2018, in an interview of BBC 5Live, Zephaniah admitted that he had been violent to a former partner. 'The way I treated some of my girlfriends was terrible. At one point I was violent. I was never like one of these persons who have a girlfriend, who'd constantly beat them, but I could lose my temper sometimes. There was one girlfriend that I had and I actually hit her a couple of times and as I got older I <i>really</i> regretted it. It burned my conscience so badly. It ate at me. And I'm a meditator. It got in the way of my meditation.' <br />
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With his disastrous teeth and large ears, Shane MacGowan, who died aged sixty five, might have seemed the most unlikely frontman for a pop group. But The Pogues never set out to become teen idols. They grafted punk style and attitude on to the raucous end of Irish folk music, as typified by their heroes The Dubliners and Shane, in particular, gave the band a reputation for drunkenness. Just like The Clancy Brothers & Tommy Makem, who revolutionised Irish folk music from the distance of the New York diaspora, the first-generation, London-based Irish community spawned The Pogues. Indeed, MacGowan astutely observed that the band could not have originated in Ireland. The key to The Pogues' success was the songwriting of MacGowan, in such masterpieces as 'Streams Of Whiskey', 'Sally MacLennane' and 'A Rainy Night In Soho', but above all in their best known song, 'Fairytale Of New York', on which he duetted with Kirsty MacColl. First released in 1987, it became a highlight of the band's Christmas gigs, with re-released recordings becoming more poignant after MacColl's death in a speedboat accident in 2000. 'Fairytale Of New York' has subsequently re-entered the charts many times (including this year) and is frequently voted as Britain's favourite Christmas songs. Shane Patrick Lysaght MacGowan was born on Christmas Day 1957 in Pembury, Kent, while his parents were visiting relatives. He grew up in Tunbridge Wells, often visiting extended family back in County Tipperary. His mother, Therese, was a prize-winning Irish dancer and singer and former model and his father, Maurice MacGowan, an executive at the C&A retail chain, loved literature and poetry. Shane was an avid reader; he attended the fee-paying Holmewood House prep school, where his creative writing skills were first identified. He then won a scholarship to Westminster school in London at the age of fourteen, but a year later was found to be in possession of drugs and expelled. MacGowan was by now already a keen music fan and he drifted through casual jobs in a record store and as a barman, living in a succession of squats and shared flats. In 1976, he achieved notoriety when a girlfriend cut his earlobe with a broken bottle during an early Clash gig. Photographs of MacGowan, his head covered in blood, appeared in the press. He was one of the original punk scenesters, often seen in his union flag jacket and photographed at gig by The Clash, The Jam and The Stranglers. By the following year, MacGowan had formed his own band, The Nipple Erectors, later renamed The Nips. They released four singles and an LP (<i>Only The End Of The Beginning</i> a live recording), but never made much of an impression beyond London pubs and clubs, although 1980's 'Gabrielle' was a favourite of John Peel.<br />
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MacGowan had a problem with the names of his next two bands. Singing Irish rebel songs to a pub full of off-duty British soldiers when your band is called The New Republicans was not, perhaps, the most obvious of career moves - they should, perhaps, have stuck with the original name, The Millwall Chainsaws. The third band was originally called Pogue Mahone, which in Gaelic means 'kiss my arse', a clear expression of their Irish heritage and punk attitude. MacGowan was knowledgeable about a broad range of Irish folk music, but he found bands such as The Chieftains and De Dannan too clean-cut, much preferring the atmosphere of a rowdy pub session and the raucousness of the Irish folk legends The Dubliners, who influenced his new band's style and repertoire. But, in any case, the folk scene was an irrelevance to Pogue Mahone, whose natural constituency was the young, first-generation Irish community in Kilburn, Camden Town and Hammersmith. The band made its debut in October 1982 at what was then The Pindar Pf Wakefield pub in Gray's Inn Road. The performance was described in the rock journalist Carol Clerk's history of the band as 'shambolic but spirited.' At first, some of the band members could scarcely play their chosen or allotted instruments, but they were all keen to learn and soon attracted a local fanbase in London. MacGowan, who initially played guitar as well as singing, was joined by his former Nips colleague James Fearnley on accordion, Jem Finer on banjo, Andy Rankin on drums, Cait O'Ridorden on bass and the remarkable Spider Stacy who sang, played penny whistle and frequently added to the percussion by bashing himself on the head with a tin beer tray. By the end of 1983 they were voted 'band most likely to succeed' by the trade paper <i>Music Week</i>, although at the time they had not secured a record deal. Pressure from their newly arranged record label led to a name change and they became The Pogues. Only half of the band at that stage had any connection with Ireland - none of the original members had been born there. Though often described as an 'Irish band', they were really a London band who drew on an emigrant Irish experience for both style and repertoire (at least until genuine Irish musicians Phil Chevron and Terry Woods joined in 1985). This was seen most markedly in MacGowan's own songwriting - he was writing as an outsider in his own community.<br />
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Their repertoire of Irish traditional songs was largely suggested by MacGowan and many of them came from The Dubliners, such as 'The Auld Triangle', 'Muirsheen Durkin', 'The Leaving Of Liverpool', 'The Wild Rover', 'And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda' and 'Waxie's Dargle'. Ewan MacColl's 'Dirty Old Town', originally written (in 1949) about Salford, is now often thought to refer to Dublin after MacGowan's rendition with The Pogues. The band's folk instrumentation were unusual in the rock and pop venues in which they performed. Alongside the Irish traditional material were MacGowan's own songs. Appearances were deceptive - MacGowan was well-read, with a sound knowledge of Irish literature, which he used to good effect in his songwriting. He was seen and, perhaps regarded himself, as the latest in a line of Irish literary figures - such as Brendan Behan - whose creativity was boosted by alcohol. MacGowan was lauded as one of the best songwriters of the late Twentieth century. His early songs, such as 'Streams Of Whiskey', 'Boys From The County Hell', 'A Pair Of Brown Eyes', 'A Rainy Night In Soho', 'The Sick Bed Of Cúchulaínn', 'The Old Main Drag' and 'Sally MacLennane', all display similar themes - alcohol-fuelled, often with a hint of despair, set in the seedy side of North London life. Yet the fast-paced tunes and MacGowan's growling, in-your-face delivery, gave a celebratory atmosphere to the songs, suggesting that the lifestyle portrayed - often close to MacGowan[s own - was unapologetic. Clerk summed it up: 'A large part of The Pogues' appeal was the whiff of the bar-room wafting through their lyrics, the irrepressible gallop of their up-tempos and the teardrops in their ballads.' Their first single, 'Dark Streets Of London' appeared in 1984. Their first three LPs were for Stiff Records: <i>Red Roses For Me</i> (1984), the magnificent <i>Rum Sodomy & The Lash</i> (1985, produced by Elvis Costello) and <i>If I Should Fall From Grace With God</i> (1988) and the EP <i>Poguetry In Motion</i> (1986) contained a rich mixture of Irish folk and songs by MacGowan, each one better than its predecessor, with <i>Fall From Grace</i> reaching number three in the album charts. Their transition from the world of London clubs and pubs to international concert halls had been aided by the group's bass player Cait O'Riordan's romance with Costello, with whom The Pogues toured. Through 1984 and the whole of 1985 they gigged in Britain, Ireland and continental Europe and performed at Glastonbury. They subsequently toured the US, Australia, New Zealand and Japan. This blogger first saw them on the <i>Run, Sodomy & The Lash</i> tour at The Mayfair in late 1985. At the Vienna folk festival that year, The Pogues met up with The Dubliners and this led, in 1987, to a joint single, 'The Irish Rover', which reached number eight in the UK singles charts in March. Further chart success followed in December, when Jem Finer and MacGowan's 'Fairytale Of New York' was kept off the Christmas number one spot by The Pet Shop Boys' cover of 'Always on My Mind'. An idea of the average Pogues gig during their golden years of the late 1980s can be glimpsed on the extraordinary, shambolic, anthemic <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piOk1VgykAI">live version of 'Wild Rover'</a> released on the b-side of the 'Sally MacLennane' single. The heavy drinking that affected some of the other band and crew members became contained by performance demands, but MacGowan was always a bit of a loose cannon. He frequently missed flights, rehearsals, photoshoots and sometimes even gigs. As the fame of The Pogues and the critical acclaim of his songs reached their height, MacGowan's cocktail of alcohol and drugs was a matter of serious concern. On tour in New Zealand in 1988, he painted his hotel room, face and chest blue, apparently because 'the Maoris were talking to me.' Shane and his girlfriend, Victoria Mary Clarke, were spending free time in Thailand, where drugs were plentiful, but during the period he was hospitalised in Dublin and London. <br />
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MacGowan was gradually withdrawing from his close involvement in the band; he was more erratic on stage and brought fewer songs to the studio for their fourth LP, <i>Peace & Love</i> (1989), which gave the rest of the band an opportunity to develop their own writing. By now his drug use had extended to acid, but he was still capable of writing good songs, such as 'White City', an homage to the London greyhound track. But in 1989, MacGowan missed a six-concert tour with Bob Dylan in California, when the airline refused to let him on the plane. The Pogues' next LP, <i>Hell's Ditch</i> (1990), included a Thailand trilogy of songs that seemed to indicate he had lost the basis of his London Irish pub-based inspiration. Matters came to a head in September 1991 when on tour in Japan. MacGowan missed two of the four concerts and the rest of the band sacked him. He was not surprised - 'What took you so long?' he asked. The band soldiered on, replacing MacGowan with one of his heores, Joe Strummer, but the cracks had already been revealed. The Pogues could not have continued with MacGowan, but they also could not continue without him. After several band members left, they disbanded in 1996. Meanwhile, MacGowan was involved in collaborations, with artists including Nick Cave, the Breton singer Alan Stivell, Van Morrison, Christy Moore and The Jesus & Mary Chain, before forming a new band, The Popes. His LP <i>The Snake</i> (1994) included his love song 'Aisling' and - on the extended edition the following year - a reworking, featuring a duet with Sinéad O'Connor, of The Pogues' 'Haunted'. He and O'Connor formed a close, genuine and lasting friendship after a somewhat shaky when she had said in an interview that she didn't consider The Pogues to be 'real Irish' and MacGowan responded, 'that okay, she's not a <i>real</i> skinhead!' The pair, in fact, had much in common. A subsequent single 'That Woman's Got Me Drinking' featured Johnny Depp on guitar. There was a further Popes LP in 1997, <i>The Crock Of Gold</i>. There was no let-up in the drink and drugs and MacGowan suffered with stomach ulcers and alcoholic hepatitis. In 1999, O'Connor - in an effort to help her friend - reported him to the police for heroin use and, although MacGowan was furious at the time, it served as a necessary wake-up call. A Pogues reunion tour, with MacGowan back as the band's frontman, prior to Christmas 2001, led to occasional gigs in 2002, another tour in 2004 (on which this blogger saw them for the second time - they were fucking <i>great</i>) and appearances in Japan, Spain, the US, Ireland and the UK in the years following. There were no new recordings - audiences seemed happy enough with their extensive back catalogue. A biography, <i>A Drink With Shane MacGowan</i>, written by MacGowan and Clarke in the form of a conversation between the pair, was published in 2001 and the documentary <i>If I Should Fall From Grace: The Shane MacGowan Story</i>, had a cinema and then DVD release, also in 2001. A further film documentary, <b>Crock Of Gold: A Few Rounds With Shane MacGowan</b>, was broadcast by the BBC in 2021 and a new biography, <i>A Furious Devotion: The Life Of Shane MacGowan</i>, by Richard Balls, was published the same year. A limited-edition book of his artwork and handwritten lyrics, <i>The Eternal Buzz & The Crock Of Gold</i>, was published in 2022. MacGowan was long known for having very bad teeth. He lost the last of his natural teeth sometime around 2008. In 2015, he had a new set of teeth - including one gold one - fitted during a nine-hour procedure. The new teeth were secured by eight titanium implants in his jaws. The procedure was the subject of the hour-long television programme <b>Shane MacGowan: A Wreck Reborn</b>. The dental surgeon who carried out the procedure said that MacGowan had recorded most of his great works while he still had some teeth: 'We've effectively retuned his instrument and that will be an ongoing process.' Never in the best of health - during, at least in part, to his various addictions - MacGowan fractured his pelvis in 2015 and thereafter used a wheelchair. Six years later he broke his right knee and then tore the ligaments in his left knee. In January 2018, the National Concert Hall in Dublin hosted a celebratory concert for MacGowan's sixtieth birthday, with the performers including Cave, Bono, Depp and O'Connor. As a finale, MacGowan himself sang the folk song 'Wild Mountain Thyme', before the Irish President, Michael D Higgins, presented him with a lifetime achievement award. Later that year, MacGowan married Clarke. She survives him, along with his sister, Siobhan and his father.<br />
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And now, a new semi-regular feature, <i>The From The North Twelve Films Of Christmas</i>. In which yer actual Keith Telly Topping watches twelve random (reasonably recent) movies on wet and cold December afternoons cos he can't be bothered to do anything else. Number One: Review in thirty words or less: 'I wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no-holds-barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill-ride. But there's no way you could perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.' <br />
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And finally, <i>From The North</i>'s Headline of The Week award goes to <i>Wigan Today</i> for <a href="https://www.wigantoday.net/news/people/wigans-world-pie-eating-championships-collapse-into-chaos-as-woke-health-and-safety-officials-ban-speed-eating-4439159"><i>Wigan's World Pie-Eating Championships Collapse Into Chaos As 'Woke' Health & Safety Officials Ban Speed-Eating</i></a>. In this blogger's day, dear blog readers, they were called 'mothers'.<br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-35961223347474114502023-12-01T05:41:00.008+00:002024-03-04T20:36:07.468+00:00Keith Telly Topping Presents ... The From The North TV Awards (2023)<div style="text-align: justify;">
What with 21 November being <i>National TV Day</i> (yes, as this blog <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2020/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">revealed in 2020</a>, it <i>is</i> <a href="https://www.un.org/en/observances/world-television-day">a thing</a>) welcome to the <i>sixteenth</i> annual <i>From The North TV Awards</i>. Celebrating, in Keith Telly Topping's opinion, the best and worst TV programmes broadcast during the past twelve months in this blogger's sight. In what is rapidly becoming an annual observation, you may notice that there are approximately twice as many 'highs' listed here as there are 'lows'. This imbalance is not, necessarily, any reflection on the actual ratio of good-telly-to-bad during 2023. Rather it is because, generally speaking, we tend to remember the good stuff. And attempt - only sometimes successfully - to forget all of the brain-numbing, laughter-free, lowest-common-denominator <i>shat</i> which threatens to infect the brains of everyone it comes into contact with. <br />
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Also, each year when this blogger posts the <i>From The North</i> TV awards, he usually gets a few e-mails from dear blog readers and <i>Facebook</i> fiends saying something along the lines of 'very good, Keith Telly Topping. But, you missed out [insert own favourite], so you did.' Therefore, please note since answering such comments remains <i>a flamin' pain in the dong</i>, this blogger has not missed <i>anything</i>. These awards represent what Keith Telly Topping has been watching and enjoying (or, in the case of the 'Worst Of' list, <i>not</i> enjoying) during the past twelve months. If a programme that you like is not mentioned, it is either because this blogger did not see it (try as he might, Keith Telly Topping can't watch <i>everything</i> - there simply aren't enough hours in the year for that) or he did, but didn't consider the show in question worthy of inclusion. If you disagree with his assessment, as is your right in a free and democratic society, then you have this blogger's permission to start your own blog and create, present and justify your own award lists. With that out of the way, if you're all sitting comfortably, we'll begin. <br />
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<br />
Fifty Three <i>Extra-Primo-Rad</i> Highlights Of Television In 2023:- <br />
<br />
1. <b>The Last Of Us</b> <br />
'When you're lost in the darkness, look for the light.' In 2022, <i>From The North</i>'s <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">favourite TV show</a>, by a considerable distance, was an adaptation of a thirty five year old comic book, something which may once have produced an outpouring of abject scorn by 'serious' television critics who think they know what they're talking about (but, actually, don't). In 2023, <i>From The North</i>'s favourite TV show, by a similar distance, was a nine-episode adaptation of a decade-old video game. Something which may once have produced an outpouring of scorn <i>from this blogger</i>. Such is the way in which television continues to surprise even the most cynical of viewers. 'Decades of mediocrity have conditioned us to expect nothing but the worst from video game adaptations, even when everything is there to suggest otherwise,' <a href="https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/culture/article/the-last-of-us-tv-show-review">noted</a> <i>GQ</i>. Just when it seemed there wasn't room for another post-apocalyptic drama (adaptation, or otherwise), <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdcXP-groXc"><b>The Last Of Us</b></a> arrived and, well, rocked our world. The story involved terrifying mushroom-headed zombies, but they were the least of the many reasons for the show's impact. The drama brought deep humanity and emotion to its tense survival story, centred on the relationship between Joel (Pedro Pascal), a bereaved father and Ellie (the astonishing Bella Ramsey), an orphaned girl that Joel reluctantly agrees to transport across America to safety. As they travel West across what was once the USA, the changing landscape and the characters they encounter add range, variety, depth and the most touching pathos. An episode starring Nick Offerman and Murray Bartlett whose relationship endured over the two decades after the zombie apocalypse was one of the year's most poignant and <i>perfect</i> hours of TV; indeed it has been suggested (by no less an authority as <i>From The North</i> favourites Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo) that the term 'episode three' may now become a shorthand term for the moment when you suddenly realise that the TV show you are watching has become something <i>very</i> different from what you first imagined it to be. A meeting with Joel's lost brother was satisfying yet fraught with loss whilst the climax managed not to be a let-down by ending on an unresolved lie. Pascal got a well-deserved mainstream breakout with the role, as he grounded the genre elements with a powerful, realistic performance, earning him an EMMY nomination. And then there was <i>From The North</i> favourite Ramsey about whom a million words have already been written and million more will follow - <i>all</i> of them favourable. <b>The Last Of Us</b> spoke, eloquently, to people who never knew it was a video game in the first place. 'While the special effects are undeniably top-notch, this nine-part series was a hit that reached way beyond its gaming fanbase in large part due to the crisp, emotional storytelling, particularly with its two-handers,' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/what-to-watch-now-on-netflix-bbc-iplayer-prime-video-and-beyond-qfml2dxls">noted</a> <i>The Times</i>. Critically acclaimed by just about everyone who came into contact with it (one brain-dribbling fool at the <i>National Review</i> <a href="https://www.nationalreview.com/2023/03/the-last-of-us-brings-on-armageddon-time/">notwithstanding</a>), this was tense, touching, frantic and soul-stirring television. It was, not to sugar-coat it too much dear blog reader, a sodding <i>masterpiece</i>. A second series has been commissioned though, whether it has a hope of living up to the impact and brilliance of the first is another question entirely.<br />
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2. <b>Succession</b> <br />
'He's moseying. It's like if Santa Claus was a hit-man!' In its <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3D3ewle7XY&t=23s">fourth and final series</a>, the penetrating saga of money, power and family dysfunction (clearly not even remotely based on either the <a href="https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/04/rupert-murdoch-cover-story">Murdochs</a> or the Maxwells, oh no, <i>very</i> hot water) absolutely lived up to its grand, scintillating ambitions, scooping almost thirty EMMY nominations. The episode in which Logan Roy (series lynchpin Brian Cox) died was an artistic gem in and of itself, focused not on the dying man but rather on his distant, distraught children, brought to life by Jeremy Strong, Sarah Snook and Kieran Culkin with unsettling depth. In the end, the question of which Roy child would succeed their father to lead the Waystar Royco media empire was answered in a most surprising way, emphasising the idea that <i>no one</i> holds absolute power forever. <b>Succession</b>'s portrait of greed and the changing media landscape was unrivalled, but creator Jesse Armstrong's most brilliant move was to embody it all in one broken extended family. 'Every word and beat deserves your attention, all of it and if you're not prepared to surrender it, then you're missing out,' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/succession-review-its-bleak-as-hell-but-i-love-it-nhrptvp2c">wrote</a> <i>The Times</i>' Hugo Rifkind (even if his colleague, that whinge-bucket with a face like sour milk Camilla Long couldn't resist making <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/great-expectations-review-ive-watched-the-death-of-period-drama-f5d5vj7lg">her mouth go to the contrary</a>). With its vast ensemble cast (Matthew Macfadyen putting in one of his finest, most multi-layered performances, Nicholas Braun one of his most brilliantly comic) <b>Succession</b> holds a secure place among all but the thickest numbskull's list of the best TV drama series of all time. Better than <b>The West Wing</b>? No. Better than <b>The Sopranos</b>? No. But <i>that</i> was the astonishing heavyweight level at which <b>Succession</b> always punched. <br />
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3. <b>Happy Valley</b> <br />
'Have you been in a fight?' 'Several!' Television police officers are ten-a-penny at the best of times, but few of them ever felt quite so real, so <i>right</i> as Catherine Cawood, the simultaneously indomitable and fragile Northern policewoman played by Sarah Lancashire in Sally Wainwright's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBaaeeETR9o">scintillating BBC procedural</a>, which came to an end with a belter of a third series. In what was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2020/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">the greatest comeback since <b>The West Wing</b></a>, seven years on from the last run, the story picks up with Catherine close to retirement and having trouble with her, now teenage, grandson Ryan whilst his dad, evil criminal Tommy Lee Royce (James Norton), is banged up on a ten-stretch in The Slammer. As ever, what Wainwright did so masterfully was to balance the suspense of the plot with a lived-in portrait of the small Yorkshire town, Hebden Bridge, where it was set. And, at its heart, Lancashire was simply electric, as a person fighting to keep her family and her community safe. One whom you absolutely would not want to cross. Lancashire's performance was nothing short of awe-inspiring, but it was the emotionally real, character-driving writing which brought the characters to life so beautifully, whether in humanising a violent monster as he reached out to his son, or completely subverting established finale norms with a simple, heartfelt conversation held over a kitchen table. The final episode garnered huge praise from critics. That Awful Mangan Woman, at the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/feb/05/happy-valley-finale-review-sally-wainwright-sarah-lancashire-one-of-tvs-greatest-trilogies-gets-a-fiery-farewell">called</a> the episode as 'brutal, tender, funny, compelling and heart-breaking' and That Awful Singh Woman, at the <i>Torygraph</i>, <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/02/05/happy-valley-episode-6-review-finale-understated-heartbreaking/">claimed</a> '<b>Happy Valley</b> sounds so bleak on paper, with its storylines about drugs, rape and murder. But at its core is the love that Cawood has for her family. Wainwright gave us what we wanted: a happy ending for a character who truly deserves it.' Proof, if any were needed, that the BBC still does this sort of lyrical, honest, luscious drama <i>effortlessly</i>. <br />
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4. <b>Dead Ringers</b> <br />
'We just cut a baby out of a woman's womb. She asked us to, we didn't just do it!' '<i>She's</i> The Funny One!' In both her role choices and her screen presence, Rachel Weisz is consistently one of the most compelling actors out there; so to get <i>two</i> of her for the price of one in this <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA_XOruRFfU">adaptation</a> of David Cronenberg's 1980s body-horror masterpiece about identical twin gynaecologists was, indeed, a rare pleasure. Weisz certainly made the most of her dichotomous roles: as the shy, empathetic Beverly Mantle and the decadent, unruly Elliot ('brilliantly deranged' <a href="https://time.com/6284139/best-tv-shows-2023-so-far/">according to</a> <i>Time</i>), joint founders of a state-of-the-art birthing centre, Weisz offered a masterclass in contrasts, while attacking the latter character with particular gusto. The whole reimagination of the source material was inspired, from Alice Birch's caustically funny, scalpel-sharp screenplay to the rich primary coloured cinematography. There was also a memorable supporting performance from another <i>From The North</i> favourite, Jennifer Ehle, as an amoral billionaire funder who made <b>Succession</b>'s Roy family look like The Brady Bunch. Altogether, it made for a darkly alluring psychological thriller that was certainly among the best and most daring drama series Amazon Prime Video have produced. Alison Herman of <i>Variety</i> <a href="https://variety.com/lists/best-tv-shows-2023/">wrote</a>: 'Gender-swapped reboots too often carry a whiff of sanctimony, but [the series] is as perverse and profane as any great Cronenberg homage. <b>Dead Ringers</b> is more than a gimmick; it's a cerebral spin on a nightmare.' Exactly, extravagantly <i>that</i>. <br />
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5. <b>Slow Horses: Dead Lions</b><br />
'Russian sleeper agents imbedded in British society. They've been reactivated.' The second series of the Apple+ <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rOPA8VfVn8">adaptation</a> from Mick Herron's <i>Slough House</i> novels was, if anything, even better than the first which featured in<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"> last year's <i>From The North</i> 'Best Of' list</a>. Gary Oldman returned as laconic, world-weary, cynical, slovenly, farting superspy Jackson Lamb, casually abusing but fiercely protective of his Joes. Jack Lowden once again got to do all the running-and-punching stuff. Kristen Scott Thomas and Saskia Reeves were as brilliant as ever as Jackson and his team of miscreants (including new addition, <i>From The North</i> favourite Aimee-Ffion Edwards) sought to solve the mystery of the murder of a former colleague (played by Phil Davis). All this <i>and</i> Mick Jagger's evocative, knowing theme song ('<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tegw25qqbAs">Strange Game</a>'). 'The season has a determinedly cinematic quality that elevates it beyond most spy series, as does the first-rate writing,' <a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/slow-horses-season-2-review-cases-come-in-from-the-cold-11669930237">wrote</a> the <i>Wall Street Journal</i>. 'It straddles genres deftly, perhaps creating its own in the process.' 'Like all those classic BBC Le Carré adaptations, it's a superb piece of ensemble acting. Gary Oldman is at the top of his game as ... the grotesque but weirdly adorable station chief,' <a href="https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/fascinating-plausible-ideas-undermined-by-netflix-ancient-apocalypse-reviewed/">added</a> <i>The Spectator</i>. 'Every scene has a finesse of quality or invention,' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2022/dec/09/slow-horses-season-2-review-apple-tv-gary-oldman-kristin-scott-thomas">suggested</a> the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>. The third series, <i>Real Tigers</i>, is <a href="https://collider.com/slow-horses-season-3-teaser-cast-plot-episodes/">due to premiere in December</a>. If it's half as good as the first two series (and the opening episode, in which it is revealed that MI5 cases are listed John, Paul, George and Ringo in order of importance, suggests it's definitely going to be), then you can make a date for it being somewhere near the top of next year's <i>From The North</i> 'Best Of' list.<br />
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6. <b>Poker Face</b> <br />
'I <i>have</i> been kind of a death magnet!' Sometimes a concept for a show is simply so inspired that there's no way it can fail. Such was the case with this murder-of-the-week drama from <i>Knives Out</i> and <i>Glass Onion</i> creator Rian Johnson, which reportedly came about following of a casual dinner conversation between him and star Natasha Lyonne about their shared love of classic detective shows. One of Hollywood's most inimitable presences, Lyonne is an absolute diamond in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x2NzusLAqk"><b>Poker Face</b></a> as the insouciant Charlie; a cocktail waitress on the run (from both the law and gangsters) who finds herself travelling around the US, inadvertently getting involved in murder cases that could do with her mental acuity and unique ability to detect when someone is lying. She is like, in her scrappy, wisecracking energy, a female Frank Columbo. As with <i>that</i> classic <i>From The North</i> favourite, the audience <i>sees</i> the murder being committed at the beginning of each episode so it's not a <i>whodunnit</i> but, rather, a <a href="https://www.theringer.com/tv/2023/1/25/23569853/rian-johnson-interview-poker-face-peacock-natasha-lyonne"><i>howcatchem</i></a>. There is something singularly soothing about watching Lyonne put the pieces of the puzzle together, before hitting the road once more at the climax in her beat-up Plymouth Barracuda (making the series a smart mix of not only <b>Columbo</b> but, also, things like <b>The Incredible Hulk</b> or, as Mark Kermode suggested in a glowing podcast review, Kwai Chang Caine 'walking the Earth' in <b>Kung Fu</b>). In addition to <b>Columbo</b>, Johnson also used the likes of <b>Magnum, PI</b>, <b>The Rockford Files</b> and <b>Quantum Leap</b>, the kind of 'fun, character-driven, case-of-the-week goodness that I grew up with' as influences on the general tone of the series. 'All of these shows I was watching as a kid, sitting on the rug in front of my TV, is the heart of what I am trying to get at,' Johnson <a href="https://variety.com/2023/scene/news/rian-johnson-poker-face-columbo-quantum-leap-1235493975/">told</a> <i>Variety</i>. 'That was something baked into the DNA of the show from the beginning,' he <a href="https://www.denofgeek.com/tv/rian-johnson-and-natasha-lyonne-bring-a-columbo-energy-to-poker-face/">added</a>. 'Doing that ... thing of having every episode be an anthropological deep dive into a little corner of America that you might not otherwise see.' The joy and thrill then comes when Lyonne's human lie-detector wanders into the story to piece together the evidence and mutter '<i>bullshit</i>!' in the face of a parade of reliable weekly guest-stars (Benjamin Bratt, Chloë Sevigny, Lil Rel Howery), plus Johnson regulars like Adrien Brody and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. 'It's gripping, grisly when it needs to be and Lyonne is charm on a stick,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/05/26/poker-face-sky-max-review-natasha-lyonne-rian-johnson/">said</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. Indeed, a thorough search by this author has barely been able to find more than a handful of negative reviews of the show anywhere. 'In its lane (a droll, self-aware game of TV <i>Cluedo</i> in which the viewer gets to peek at the cards) and turbo-powered by the human electrical storm that is Lyonne, <b>Poker Face</b> works a treat,' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/may/28/poker-face-review-once-upon-a-time-in-northern-ireland-maryland-suranne-jones-platonic-seth-rogen-rose-byrne">noted</a> the <i>Observer</i>. True episodic detective television of the old school, this was one of the year's simplest and purest pleasures. An absolute delight. <br />
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7. <b>Doctor Who</b> <br />
'My chosen pronoun is The Definite Article.' 'Oh, <i>I</i> do that!' Russell Davies has, of course, already revived the BBC's popular, long-running family SF drama franchise once, in 2005. You knew <i>that</i>, right? Now, he has ridden to The Doctor's aid again in what is, honestly, the most welcome thing to happen in popular culture since Howard Jones sacked that bloke who used to do <i>mime</i> to his songs. David Tennant and Catherine Tate <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67498029">returned</a> for a trio of specials - <i>The Star Beast</i>, <i>Way Over Yonder</i> and <i>The Giggle</i> - to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEkC6InjWQ8">celebrate</a> <b>Doctor Who</b>'s sixtieth anniversary in November and December. The reviewers, for the opening episode at least, were well-impressed: <a href="https://www.inverse.com/entertainment/doctor-who-review-the-star-beast-60th-anniversary-special"><i>Inverse</i></a> ('absolutely ludicrous in the best possible way'), the <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-the-star-beast-review/"><i>Radio Times</i></a> ('Saturday night magic is back'), the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/nov/25/doctor-who-festive-special-bbc-the-star-beast-review-david-tennant-catherine-tate"><i>Gruinad</i></a> ('infinite reasons to celebrate'), <a href="https://www.bbc.com/culture/article/20231124-doctor-who-the-star-beast-spoiler-filled-review-this-epic-action-packed-episode-finds-the-show-on-top-form-again"><i>BBC Culture</i></a> ('epic, action-packed fun'), <a href="https://collider.com/doctor-who-the-star-beast-review/"><i>Collider</i></a> ('a delightful adventure'), the <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/11/25/doctor-who-the-star-beast-david-tennant-review/"><i>Torygraph</i></a> ('a rollicking family-friendly delight'), the <a href="https://www.heyuguys.com/doctor-who-the-star-beast-review/"><i>HeyUGuys</i></a> website ('a hoot') and <a href="https://www.gamesradar.com/doctor-who-60th-anniversary-special-star-beast-review/"><i>Games Radar</i></a> ('an exciting start to the sixtieth anniversary'). Plus, seemingly, by suggesting that being kind to those who are 'different' is worth doing, it <a href="https://deadline.com/2023/12/doctor-who-complaints-bbc-transgender-character-1235658283/">managed to piss-off</a> exactly the sort of horrible pond scum you'd <i>want</i> to see pissed-off at <i>GB News</i> and the <i>Daily Scum Express</i>. So jolly well done there, Big Rusty. David's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QGUmSeh1mw">reaction to the new TARDIS interior</a> was one of <i>the</i> TV moments of the year. And, a five million-plus overnight audience on 25 November saw the episode becoming <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-star-beast-ratings-newsupdate/">2023's largest live television drama launch</a> (to date, anyway). The enemies faced by The Doctor remained a closely guarded secret for almost a year, although many fans quickly guessed that Neil Patrick Harris was playing The Celestial Toymaker (last seen in the show in 1966) long before the BBC actually got round to confirming it. <i>From The North </i>favourite Ruth Madeley, Jemma Redgrave and <b>Heartstopper</b>'s Yasmin Finney, also guest-starred and there was <a href="https://www.devonlive.com/news/celebs-tv/bernard-cribbins-doctor-who-star-8913047">a touching posthumous cameo</a> from the late Bernard Cribbins. It all, thrillingly, set the scene for the arrival of the <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a45932610/doctor-who-ncuti-gatwa-adventure-space-time/">incoming Ncuti Gatwa</a>, who will first inhabit the TARDIS and wield the sonic screwdriver of delight on Christmas Day when his first episode, <i>The Church On Ruby Road</i> will be broadcast. A new, eight-episode, series starring Ncuti and Millie Gibson, will then debut in the Spring of 2024. This blogger believes it's going to be <i>great</i>. As usual!<br />
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8. <b>Good Omens</b> <br />
'I think I may have just started a war!' Amazon's adaptation of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's fantasy novel, returned for a second series of apocalyptic escapades and it was just as humongously mad-brilliant as the first. Created, written and executive produced by Gaiman (when he's not knee deep in <i>From The North</i> favourite <b>The Sandman</b>), <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xgl06nszfSE">the series</a> sees national heartthrob David Tennant and Michael Sheen return as eternal frenemies, the demon Crowley and angel Aziraphale. This time, they were not chasing the antichrist child around the world but, instead, a returning Jon Hamm as the overtly pompous archangel Gabriel, who turned up at Aziraphale's bookshop stark naked, with no memory, holding an empty box and needing to be hidden from both Heaven <i>and</i> Hell. Frances McDormand also returned as the voice of God and our glorious narrator, as did Miranda Richardson as the demon Shax, Hell's new representative on Earth. 'If season one was an epic thriller, season two is a cosy mystery that doubles down on the rich character moments that made the first season such a compelling watch,' <a href="https://www.inverse.com/entertainment/good-omens-season-2-review-amazon-prime-video">suggested</a> <i>Inverse</i> whilst <i>Den Of Geek</i> <a href="https://www.denofgeek.com/tv/good-omens-season-2-review-angelic-neil-gaiman-comedy-is-devilishly-good/">added</a> 'If it has a flaw, it might be that it's almost <i>too</i> sweet (body horror aside), but frankly, isn't a little sweetness what we all need?' It was, in fact, a rollicking script full of glorious theatre of the absurd daftness and, frankly, bloody good fun. <br />
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9. <b>The Gallow's Pole</b> <br />
'Are you not dead?' 'There were no places left in Hell!' Not every great TV drama needs to ramble on (s'cuse the pun) for ten arse-numbing hours, dear blog reader. <i>From The North</i> favourite Shane Meadows's rip-roaring rollercoaster of a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_oB2Guusk8">period piece</a> came in a mere three, pacy, episodes; more a quick slap around the chops with a haddock than a weekend binge-watch, one could argue. And, importantly, it left the viewer wanting more. Its loveable characters, a tight-knit rural community scratching a living in late Eighteenth Century Yorkshire, were led by David Hartley (Meadows regular Michael Socha), a real-life Robin Hood whose coin-clipping skills offered all the villagers a way out of their dirt poverty. It was like a 1950s Ealing comedy with a Shane Meadows sensibility - affectionate piss-taking, strange music cues (mostly from Swedish psychedelic revivalists Goat), trippy interludes, split-screen shots of chickens, <i>the works</i>. Socha was the roguishly charming heart for the story, adapted from Benjamin Myers's award-winning novel, but everyone in the often improvising cast kept it fuelled with warmth and laughs. If nothing else, it was proof that, contrary to the never-ending stream of Jimmy McGovern misery-fests we keep getting inflicted upon us, you don't necessarily <i>have</i> to wish to slit your wrists after hanging out with the Northern Working Classes for an hour. Which this blogger, born on a council estate in Newcastle, is jolly glad about as it happens. 'A joy to be along for the ride,' <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/culture/tvfilm/the-gallows-pole-review-bbc-shane-meadows-michael-socha-b1083677.html">said</a> the <i>Evening Standard</i>. 'Compared to most modern TV, plot happens almost as an afterthought, when it happens at all,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/05/31/the-gallows-pole-bbc-two-review-shane-meadows-michael-socha/">added</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. 'Meadows loves [the characters'] company so much that he lingers on them, often in slow motion, for scene after scene.' <i>The Spectator</i> <a href="https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/wonderfully-naturalistic-and-intriguingly-odd-bbc2s-the-gallows-pole-reviewed/">considered</a> that it was 'Wonderfully naturalistic and intriguingly odd' and that 'it didn't take long to realise that Meadows's departure mightn't be as radical as advertised ' because the programme could easily have been entitled <b>This <i>Was</i> England</b>. Christ, even That Awful Woman At <i>The Times</i> with a face like sour milk <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/sexploitation-why-the-idol-is-the-grimmest-tv-show-of-the-year-w0p928sgq">loved it</a>. This blogger thought it was <i>great</i> and that <a href="https://tradfolk.co/news/the-gallows-pole-bbc-soundtrack/">Jennifer Reid's performance of 'The Miller Of Dee'</a> in the opening episode might, just, be the single most heart-stopping scene on television in 2023. <i>Magical</i>. <br />
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10. <b>The Crowded Room</b> <br />
'It never struck you as strange that this man just showed up to save you?' You have to give Tom Holland credit: The lad has got some <i>serious</i> game. His latest post-MCU endeavour, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4w1xZA7pX2c"><b>The Crowded Room</b></a>, gave young Tom another opportunity to prove his remarkable worth as an actor and, in the process, earn himself <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2023/jun/08/tom-holland-taking-year-off-from-acting-after-latest-role-tv-show-the-crowded-room">an extended break from acting</a> due to mental health difficulties related to the part. A psychological thriller created by Akiva Goldsman and based - extremely loosely - on the real life case of Billy Milligan, a serial rapist with multiple personality disorder, the Apple mini-series had a great cast (Hello To Jason Isaacs!) and some intriguing imagery. The story followed Danny Sullivan (Holland) after he was arrested for his involvement in a New York City shooting in 1979. Danny unveiled his life through a series of interviews with psychologist Rya Goodwin (Amanda Seyfried) and slowly detailed - to both Rya and the audience - a mysterious past that led him to the fateful incident. As Danny retrospectively examined his life, he reckoned with his past and a few pivotal moments, ultimately leading him to uncover a life-altering revelation. It could, in lesser hands, have been disorganised and shallow in its assessments of mental illness but, ploughing through its ten-hour run never seemed a chore to this blogger. A fabulous 1970s soundtrack certainly helped. Sniffily dismissed by some critics ('an unwatchable mess' <a href="https://www.newsday.com/entertainment/tv/crowded-room-review-xb3xs10y">according</a> to one prick of no importance at <i>Newsday</i> for example), this is one series in which it is probably best to ignore all of those <i>Rotten Tomatoes</i> whingers and just dive, fully clothed, into the deep end. This blogger is certain that if dear blog readers care to have a wander around the Interweb for other people doing their own TV awards for 2023, they will find many places that have <b>The Crowded Room</b> listed amongst the year's biggest disappointments rather than in the top ten best shows. Therefore, it is important to remember that, on this score at least, Keith Telly Topping is <i>right</i> and everyone who believes to the contrary is <i>wrong</i>. Sorry, but it's The Law. <br />
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11. <b>The Long Shadow</b> <br />
'I give you my word that I will catch this animal.' A compassionate, admirably unsensationalised drama, this sold itself as 'the definitive account' of the desperate - often chaotic - hunt by West Yorkshire Police for the serial killer Peter Sutcliffe in the late 1970s. The seven-parter certainly had an impressively heavyweight cast, with <i>From The North</i> favourites Toby Jones, Lee Ingleby and David Morrissey as the detectives working around the clock to catch him - and with, sadly, their own pre-conceived notions on what sort of a man he was which led them, frequently, in completely the wrong direction. There was also Daniel Mays as one of the victims' husbands and Katherine Kelly, Stephen Tompkinson, Shaun Dooley, Jill Halfpenny and Liz White in supporting roles. The latter, in particular, was outstanding as a sympathetic WPC unable to convince her male colleagues that they're running in circles. ITV's second dramatisation of the same events (2000's <b>This Is Personal: The Hunt For The Yorkshire Ripper</b> was the previous one) it focused, sensibly, on the communities living in fear and the families left behind as much as the five-year cat-and-mouse chase to catch The Ripper. Written by George Kay based on Michael Bilton's best-seller <i>Wicked Beyond Belief</i>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Opod-Itl8Xc"><b>The Long Shadow</b></a> got most of the aesthetics spot on. There was a cold chill about the drama, on many levels that, defiantly, worked in its favour; as <i>The Times</i> <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-right-and-wrong-way-to-do-true-crime-from-peter-sutcliffe-to-jill-dando-7chp59jw8">noted</a>: 'Often it feels more like social history than true crime: the grime and poverty of Leeds in the 1970s; the relentless misogyny.' 'More than any rendering of a notorious case that I can remember, the attention is on the women. Specifically, the living women. And, when they are gone, the people they leave behind,' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/sep/25/the-long-shadow-review-a-shattering-serial-killer-drama-that-breaks-all-the-rules">claimed</a> the <i>Gruniad</i>. One imagines that Liza Williams, whose outstanding 2019 BBC4 documentary series <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2019/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>The Yorkshire Ripper Files: A Very British Crime Story</b></a> pushed that angle so hard it <i>screamed</i>, would very much disagree with that assessment from the Middle Class hippy Communist in question. 'No matter the drama's compassionate take, it's about the stuff of collective nightmares,' was the <a href="https://www.scotsman.com/arts-and-culture/film-and-tv/aidan-smiths-tv-week-the-long-shadow-itv-celebrity-sas-who-dares-wins-c4-who-killed-jill-dando-netflix-4354630">view</a> of <i>The Scotsman</i>. Other reviewers questioned whether, even if its heart <i>was</i> in the right place, the production had turned some of the most terrible crimes ever committed against women into 'mere entertainment' and were 'sad and aggrieved' that it had even been made. But then, nobody with an ounce of brains between their ears takes the <a href="https://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2023/09/itvs-the-long-shadow-trivialises-the-crimes-of-peter-sutcliffe">bleatings</a> of <i>The New Statesman</i> even remotely seriously. This blogger is fully aware that every drama which is based on deadly real-life events (however loosely) runs the risk of sensationalising those events, even if they don't mean to. Whether this was 'the definitive account' of Sutcliffe - <i>the</i> textbook example of the sheer banality of evil - and his horrific crimes is debateable. But, any future retelling will need to do everything that <b>The Long Shadow</b> did in avoiding shock-tactics and insulting clichés and then a bit more besides. For <i>that</i>, if nothing else, <b>The Long Shadow</b> deserves praise not scorn. <br />
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12. <b>The Bear</b><br />
'I try and start from a place of positivity.' The second series of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KLsZVMbu8U"><b>The Bear</b></a>, which follows Carmy (Jeremy Allen White) and his staff as they renovate his family's sandwich shop and turn it into a high-end restaurant, was absolutely <i>sublime</i> television. Created by Christopher Storer, <b>The Bear</b> has been one of the best-written and best-performed shows on TV since it opened shop on Hulu last summer (this blogger <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">included the first series</a> in last year's 'Also Mentioned In Dispatches' but it should, really, have been far higher. proof that even Keith Telly Topping is not infallible in his annual awards). With a sense of intimacy and urgency, these ten episodes once again captured what it is like to try to bring order to the abject chaos of running a busy kitchen. But <b>The Bear</b> expanded its scope this time around, devoting whole episodes to the personal journeys of specific characters like pastry chef Marcus (Lionel Boyce) and the perpetually adrift Richie (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) - unleashing a monster of a flashback episode (<i>Fishes</i>) - whilst continuing to explore new contours in the relationship between Carmy and his business partner, the determined Sydney (Ayo Edebiri). In that way, <b>The Bear</b>'s second series managed to do the hardest thing <i>any</i> television show can: find ways to grow outward and inward at the same time. This was television operating at the highest level on all creative fronts and highlighted the good in its characters with delicacy and zero sentimental pandering. With grands turns by <i>From The North</i> favourites like Oliver Platt, Jamie Lee Curtis and Olivia Colman, <b>The Bear</b> was, <a href="https://www.mediaplaynews.com/reelgood-hulus-the-bear-switches-spots-with-disney-plus-secret-invasion-atop-weekly-streaming-chart/">reportedly</a>, the most watched programme across all platforms in the United States during the final week of June. According to FX, the second series premiere (<i>Beef</i>) was the most-watched in the network's history. 'It's a show about food in which the camera itself seems starving, pushing hungrily up against its main characters as they try to resurrect their failing sandwich shop in Chicago,' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-bbcs-sixth-commandment-is-a-murder-mystery-masterclass-fdc63df2w">suggested</a> <i>The Times</i>. 'It is an extraordinary piece of tragicomedy - at once a hysterical farce and a raw, soul-draining domestic drama. You wish more TV could be this intense while feeling relieved that it isn't,' <a href="https://www.ft.com/content/b568557b-ad2d-4d84-b745-2b2c06d088b9">added</a> the <i>Financial Times</i>. 'The series' debut run was as perfect a piece of television as anyone can hope for,' <a href="https://concreteplayground.com/brisbane/arts-entertainment/the-bear-season-two-review-disney-plus">wrote</a> the critic at the <i>Concrete Playground</i> website. 'Excellent news: season two is better.' It <i>was</i> - served up on a plate with rice and chips and tasty as anything. <br />
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13. <b>Blue Lights</b> <br />
'At least try to <i>act</i> like police officers!' A fine example to everyone that you should avoid judging a show from its basic concept, this <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2fifCku6IU">BBC drama</a>, created by Declan Lawn and Adam Patterson, may have looked like a strictly by-the-numbers, Belfast-set police procedural. But, it proved to be a far more sophisticated beast. Following three new recruits (Siân Brooke, Katherine Devlin and Nathan Braniff), with a couple of months probation left to go, this artfully wove in its location's complex historical and political elements to create a show as complex and rewarding as it was, at times, unbearably tense. Blackly comic and occasionally shocking, it gave an authentic taste of front-line policing in a volatile powder keg of a city, where young and hopelessly unprepared rookie officers are forced to learn fast or get eaten by the system. <b>The Fall</b>'s John Lynch was, brilliantly, cast somewhat against type as James McIntyre, the head of a Republican crime family. Brooke said that elements of the role felt 'right' to her because her father was a police officer and the script 'captured the friendships within the job and how important they are. How much time you spend with this person in a car. They spend more time with each other than they probably do with anybody else, in this tiny little office on wheels.' She also spoke to serving officers, social workers and Belfast residents before filming. The series was nominated for Best New Drama at The National Television Awards. The <i>Toryraph</i> <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/03/27/blue-lights-bbc-one-review-belfast-cop-drama-deserves-much-hype/">said</a> '<b>Blue Lights</b> won't receive a fraction of the hype of <b>Line Of Duty</b>, but there isn't a duff line or an overcooked scene to be found here' and called the series 'a rare gem.' The <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>'s reviewer was 'engrossed', <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/apr/24/tv-tonight-excitement-mounts-in-a-superb-ni-cop-show">describing</a> <b>Blue Lights</b> as 'well-crafted, fantastically tense, thrilling stuff' and 'one of the best shows of the year.' <i>The Spectator</i> <a href="https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/blue-lights-iplayer-bbc-northern-ireland-police-drama/">called</a> it a 'near perfect cop drama' that 'that manages to humanise the lives of the men and women in the Police Service of Northern Ireland without mawkishness' that despite 'some procedural howlers that have clearly been let loose in the service of the storylines', leaves viewers 'in for a rare treat.' 'Though made for relative pennies compared to the glossy offerings of the streaming channels, this Belfast-set police procedural was a class act, one that made a virtue of its location without straying into cliché or settling for neat answers,' <a href="https://www.heraldscotland.com/politics/23499820.frankie-boyle-charles-r-windsors-blue-lights-reviewed/">added</a> the <i>Herald</i>. In April, the BBC <a href="https://www.bbc.com/mediacentre/2023/blue-lights-series-2">confirmed</a> a second series had been commissioned for 2024. <br />
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14. <b>Navalny</b><br />
'Vladimir Alexandrovich? It's Alexei Navalney calling. I was hoping you could tell me why you wanted to kill me?' Daniel Roher's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hS5EIQ3zubE">documentary</a> revolved around the Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny and events related to his poisoning, produced by HBO Max and CNN Films. Having first been shown in 2022 (when this blogger, shamefully, missed it), it won the Best Documentary Feature at the Academy Awards and Best Documentary at the BAFTA's leading to a welcome showing as part of BBC4's <b>Storyville</b> strand and, thus, entirely justifying its appearance in this list. Navalny fell sick during a flight from Tomsk to Moscow and was hospitalised, later being evacuated to the Charité hospital in Berlin. The use of a nerve agent was confirmed by five Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons certified laboratories. Navalny, who unlike Alexander Litvinenko and the victims of the 2018 Salisbury poisonings (both stories previously dramatised, the latter featured in <i>From The North</i>'s 'Best Of' list in <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2020/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2020</a>) survived his ordeal and blamed Vladimir Putin for his poisoning. The Kremlin repeatedly denied any involvement. And, to paraphrase the late <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandy_Rice-Davies">Mandy Rice-Davis</a>, 'well they <i>would</i>, wouldn't they?' The documentary shows how <i>Bellingcat</i> journalist Christo Grozev and Maria Pevchikh, the head investigator for Navalny's Anti-Corruption Foundation, revealed the details of a plot which suggested more than a few flaws in The Kremlin's account. The <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i><a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2022/apr/25/navalny-review-one-of-the-most-jaw-dropping-things-youll-ever-witness"> called it</a> 'one of the most jaw-dropping things you will ever witness' and said the 'terrifying' documentary 'enters the realms of the far-fetched spy thriller - and yet it's <i>all</i> true.' The <i>New York Times</i> <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2022/04/24/movies/navalny-review.html">praised it</a> saying 'Roher has assembled a tense and absorbing look at Navalny and his inner circle.' <b>Navalny</b> also received praise from the likes of <a href="https://www.timeout.com/movies/navalny-2022"><i>Time Out</i></a>, <a href="https://www.vox.com/23187970/best-movies-2022-so-far-half"><i>Vox</i></a>, <a href="https://concreteplayground.com/brisbane/event/navalny-3"><i>Concrete Playground</i></a>, <a href="https://www.kpcc.org/podcast/filmweek/filmweek-cocaine-bear-jesus-revolution-we-have-a-ghost-and-more"><i>Film Week</i></a>, <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/imagine-review-margolyes-is-biologically-incapable-of-being-dull-289bsptxv"><i>The Times</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.theglobeandmail.com/arts/television/article-the-flight-attendant-at-last-the-fun-is-back/"><i>Globe & Mail</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/films/0/alexei-navalny-review-putins-arch-enemy-solves-murder-riveting-documentary/"><i>Torygraph</i></a> and many other. And, was <i>loathed</i> by some bloke from the <i>Chicago Reader</i> who <a href="https://chicagoreader.com/film/navalny-feels-like-a-soviet-era-infomercial/">said</a> 'I left feeling hollow and angry. Like I'd been manipulated using methods pioneered and perfected under the long-gone Soviet regime of my childhood.' An interesting - near unique - take on the documentary outside the walls of The Kremlin. One imagines that a congratulatory message from President Putin is in the post as we speak. Careful, though, it <i>may</i> contain traces of Novichok. <br />
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15. <b>Extraordinary</b> <br />
'What else do they recommend?' 'Long walks. Sex. Spicy food.' 'You're looking at how to induce labour!' 'No, I'm not. Oh ... how dilated is your cervix?' Disney's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRaqLMWMg60"><b>Extraordinary</b></a> was a wildly funny take on the idea of superpowers, set in a world where <i>everyone</i> gets them but most are pretty rubbish at actually using them. Created by Emma Moran (who developed the idea while completing her Masters in Screenwriting at Manchester Uni), <b>Extraordinary</b> followed the plight of Jen (Máiréad Tyers), a twenty five-year-old who, uniquely, <i>didn't</i> get her superpowers as a teenager. Jen, unsurprisingly, struggles being the only person she knows who is an ordinary human. Nevertheless, with her friends, Carrie, Kash and Jizzlord (a shapeshifter who has been stuck as Jen's pet cat for some time), she sets out to change all that. Amiable and cleverly constructed, the show's brilliance, beyond its playful special effects and phenomenal overarching hypothetical, is the cast. Siobhán McSweeney is particularly terrific as Jen's Wonder Woman-style mum. As <i>Mashable</i>'s Caitlin Welsh <a href="https://mashable.com/article/extraordinary-review-hulu-disney">wrote</a>: '<b>Extraordinary</b> earns its place among the best of the millennial romcom sitcoms - and stands well above certain other eight-or-so-episode-long shows about people with superpowers on Disney-owned streaming platforms - thanks to its whip-smart writing and lived-in performances.' Judy Berman of <i>Time</i> called <b>Extraordinary</b> an 'instant classic among superhero comedies,' <a href="https://time.com/6250105/extraordinary-review-hulu/">adding</a>: 'True to its title, <b>Extraordinary</b> combines and tweaks familiar tropes into something genuinely unique.' One of this blogger's favourite critics, Keith Watson of <i>Metro</i> <a href="https://metro.co.uk/2023/01/25/extraordinary-review-it-stands-out-compared-to-other-superpower-shows-18159898/">said</a>: 'Every once in a while there's a superpower show that promises to breathe fresh life into the over-exploited arena and Emma Moran's fresh comedy, which slyly exploits the genre in much the manner of <b>The Boys</b> (with <i>way</i> less budget), stands out from the crowd.' Polly Conway of <i>Common Sense Media</i> <a href="https://www.commonsensemedia.org/tv-reviews/extraordinary">described</a> it as 'an amusing teen comedy.' <b>Extraordinary</b>'s own superpower, <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/culture/tv-and-radio/jason-katims-dear-edward-is-an-almighty-tug-on-the-heartstrings-20230127-p5cfyl.html">claimed</a> <i>The Age</i> 'is that it makes the comic book conceit pertinent to the individual characters - their emotional travails connect to the powers on offer, sometimes hilariously and sometimes with genuine melancholy.' Inevitably, That Awful Mangan Woman in the <i>Gruniad</i> found something <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/jan/25/disney-extraordinary-review-help-my-bum-has-become-a-3d-printer">to sneer at</a>. One more reason, dear blog reader, why <b>Extraordinary</b> deserves to be viewed by <i>billions</i>. Series two is expected in early 2024. <br />
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16. <b>I Hate Suzie Too</b><br />
'It'd be great to see a little bit more of the <i>real</i> Suzie, not the Suzie <i>they</i> know.' 'They <i>hate</i> the Suzie <i>they</i> know!' The <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwFuqFiB6tg">sequel</a> to 2020's <i>From The North</i> favourite <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2020/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>I Hate Suzie</b></a> found Lucy Prebble and Billie Piper creating yet more ways to humiliate Piper's Suzie Pickles whilst casting a deliciously jaundiced eye on the way in which the modern media chews up and spits out 'celebrity' without bothering to check for human damage. The show marked the third collaboration between Prebble and Piper, who previously worked together on <b>Secret Diary Of A Call Girl</b> (2007 to 2011) and <b>The Effect</b> (2012). The three-episode second series arrived on Sky Atlantic in the dying days of 2022 and won Prebble a Royal Television Society Programme award and, pleasingly, Piper a BAFTA nomination. <i>The Times</i> <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/what-to-watch-netflix-bbc-sky-amazon-prime-video-uk-38qk8v925">said</a> the second series of the 'bravura black comedy about the horrors of modern celebrity is, if anything, more heart-stoppingly brilliant than its predecessor.' Piper and Prebble 'bring their flawed, ferociously human protagonist to giddy new heights of acceptance while pulling her heart even deeper into the abyss,' <a href="https://ew.com/tv/tv-reviews/i-hate-suzie-too-pinocchio-women-talking-corsage-living/">wrote</a> <i>Entertainment Weekly</i>. 'It is so unlike anything else on television, in its raw honesty, that I couldn’t tear myself away. Suzie is the maddest person in the room, yet from another angle she's the sanest one,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2022/12/20/hate-suzie-review-tv-drama-raw-honest-cant-look-away/">claimed</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. 'Suzie repeatedly wins our sympathy, then squanders it with reckless, self-destructive outbursts during drink and drug binges,' <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-11560483/CHRISTOPHER-STEVENS-Miriams-Yuletide-cheer-debt-collector-toothache.html">added</a> the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i>. A third series is said to be <a href="https://www.bustle.com/entertainment/i-hate-suzie-season-3-cast-plot-trailer-release-date">a possibility</a> at some stage. <br />
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17. <b>Wednesday</b><br />
'Miss Addams. You've certainly had a very interesting educational journey.' A beautifully in-your-face coming-of-age supernatural comedy-horror based on the character Wednesday Addams, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Di310WS8zLk"><b>Wednesday</b></a> starred Jenna Ortega as the titular character, with the likes of Gwendoline Christie, Riki Lindhome, Jamie McShane, Joy Sunday, Christina Ricci and Moosa Mostafa appearing in supporting roles. Four of the eight episodes were directed by Tim Burton, who also served as executive producer. It revolved around Wednesday's attempts to solve a murder mystery at her new school (she was expelled from the previous one after that nasty business of dumping piranhas into the swimming pool!) It premiered on Netflix in November 2022, just days too late for inclusion in last year's <i>From The North</i> 'Best Of' list but entirely deserves a belated acknowledgement of just what a sharp, witty, clever little series it was. With a fantastic soundtrack (a mixture of Danny Elfman and Chris Bacon's score and dozens of brilliant needle-drop moments; check out <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsXdUtlDVhk">the dance sequence to Lady Gaga</a> in episode four), the beautifully Gothic sets and Ortega's laconic, devastatingly force-of-nature performance, <b>Wednesday</b> was an immense audience hit. The series holds the record of most hours viewed in a week for an English-language Netflix series with a total three hundred and forty one million hours watched in its first week of release, putting it in the <b>Stranger Things</b>/<b>The Sandman</b> league. The <i>Independent</i> <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/features/wednesday-addams-season-2-netflix-b2242785.html">called</a> the series' worldwide popularity 'unprecedented' and suggested that it could jump-start development of several other spin-off series. It got mixed reviews, best exemplified by Jesse Hassenger of <i>The Wrap</i> <a href="https://www.thewrap.com/wednesday-netflix-review-jenna-ortega/">describing</a> the four episodes directed by Burton as feeling 'more like <b>Veronica Mars</b> than <i>Sleepy Hollow</i>.' The <i>Wall Street Journal </i>commended Ortega's 'charismatic performance' and <a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/wednesday-review-addams-family-adolescence-11669151653">added the series</a> was 'often delightful, despite its deliberate darkness.' In the <i>Detroit News</i>, Tom Long <a href="https://eu.detroitnews.com/story/entertainment/television/2022/11/22/lively-wednesday-puts-addams-familys-demon-child-front-and-center/69670865007/">deemed</a> the show 'visually appealing', described Ortega's deadpan as 'just as elastic as it needed to be' and her performance overall as 'consistently [pushing] outside the caricature enough to keep things lively.' Some snooty, sneering <i>fek</i> of absolutely no gumption at the <i>New York Times</i> <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/22/arts/television/wednesday-review.html">said</a> <b>Wednesday </b>was 'tolerable' despite 'satisfying only on the level of formulaic teenage romance and mystery' and compared it to the Harry Potter franchise. All, presumably, whilst gurning into their breakfast muesli. It's not just <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> TV reviewers that need a ruddy good slap across the chops on general principle, it would seem. Though, to be scrupulously fair, the <i>Gruniad</i> actually <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2022/nov/23/wednesday-review-tim-burton-eldritch-addams-family-spin-off">rather liked it</a>! Hardly surprisingly, in view of its audience profile in January <b>Wednesday</b> was renewed for, very welcome, a second series. <br />
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18. <b>The Reckoning</b> <br />
'I'm not an act. What you see is what you get.' Controversial even before it was made, let alone broadcast, this <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wud_ofC2rAI">docudrama</a> about the Jimmy Savile fiasco had a rocky path to the screen, having first been announced in 2020. It was rumoured to have been delayed at least twice due to BBC trepidation about a Tory backlash from the likes of the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i>; the newspaper incidentally that, more than any other, has delighted in running endless stories related to Savile's appalling crimes but is quick to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2016/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north_22.html">criticise <i>any</i> TV series</a> which so much as mentions the man as being 'disrespectful' to his victims. As though airbrushing the likes of Savile, Harris, Hall <i>et al</i> from history would, somehow, make all of the terrible things they did evaporate in a quasi-Stalinist way. <b>The Reckoning</b> finally arrived it October. It was a <i>hard</i> watch. Steve Coogan had the unenviable task of portraying the prolific child abuser, a decision which, he claimed, he 'didn't take lightly.' The BBC, he added, 'are damned if they do and damned if they don't and I believe the correct choice is to be damned if they <i>do</i>.' 'Don't let this happen again,' Darien, one of the hundreds of children and young women abused by the vile albino paedophile, tearfully told the camera. Her plea came at the end of the fourth and final episode of this dramatisation of Savile's life and went some way to explain exactly why the BBC chose to re-tread the Savile story. Documentaries have thoroughly covered this ground previously, though <b>The Reckoning</b> attempted something different; to showcase, through a mixture of fact-based and fictional docudrama scenes, as well as interviews with four of his victims, how Savile got away with criminal offences while maliciously charming his way into Britain's highest institutions. The series, told primarily through flashbacks as Savile was interviewed by journalist Dan Davies, spent its time meticulously reasoning how he deceived BBC bosses, hospital wardens, the police, That Awful Thatcher Woman (whose inclusion in story - despite being <i>entirely</i> historically accurate - still caused several lickerty-split Tories to get their knickers in a twist, notably <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/10/07/bbc-jimmy-savile-drama-newsnight-cover-up-sexual-predator/">That Awful Patel Woman</a>) <i>and</i> the general public, using his charitable work to distract from the atrocities being committed. Viewers equally saw him taking advantage of children, luring them into his home and apprehending them backstage. Mercifully, we never got to witness the acts themselves, the camera cutting away, but the implications were, of course, horrendous. A later episode even explored Savile's disgusting behaviour at a morgue. Coogan inhabited the wise-cracking Savile with uncomfortable ease, some moments infused with Alan Partridge-isms, as Savile weaponised his wit, while other scenes were played like a Poundland Tony Soprano, as when Savile ordered a bouncer to physically abuse a boy who had been caught sneaking into his nightclub. It was an uncanny, skin-crawling - and, truly astonishing - portrayal which never turned Savile into the pantomime villain that he could, so easily, have done in the hands of a less-skilled actor. A sympathetic viewer - and this blogger believes he falls broadly into this category - would argue this constituted self-flagellation for the BBC, showcasing how it was tricked by this paedophilic conman; an unsympathetic one may argue the series rather let the BBC off the hook, focussing on Savile rather than analysing the BBC's own mishandling of the situation time after time. Indeed, in the second episode, we saw an investigation by BBC management into an incident which took place at <b>Top Of The Pops</b> in the 1970s, but no one came out being blamed; Savile was presented as too ingenious and too powerful to be seen as responsible for <i>any</i> wrongdoing. Maybe that's how it was - that Savile operated in plain sight without any institutional help to cover for him. The <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67065850">reviews</a> were, broadly (though not universally), understanding of what the series was trying to achieve with special praise given to Coogan and to the bravery and honesty of the interviewed victims. The <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> was forced, somewhat against its own instincts one sensed, to do a <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12612411/The-Reckoning-viewers-Steve-Coogan-portrayal-Jimmy-Saville-BBC-drama-award.html">round-up</a> of positive online viewer reaction, perhaps acknowledging for the first time that you cannot learn from history by pretending it never happened. Even <b>Loose Women</b> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py2CpewEgzc">had their say</a>. <b>The Reckoning</b>, ultimately, offered an understanding of Savile's sick and twisted ways, but questions do remain. Most obviously, how are we to stop another Savile without further analysing those who stood by him? Darien's plea at the end <i>must</i> be headed so that history does <i>not</i> repeat the same conceits.<br />
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19. <b>Heartstopper</b> <br />
'I want to tell people. But, it's so hard to find the right time.' The endearing Netflix series that became a global hit returned in 2022 and makes it into <i>From The North</i>'s 'Best Of' list for <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">the second year running</a>. It picked up the blossoming romance between Charlie (Joe Locke) and Nick (Kit Connor), who came out as bisexual to his wonderfully supportive mother (Olivia Colman) at the end of the first series. Now, Nick texts with typical teenaged confusion: 'Why is being Out so complicated?' The <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkkNXt7tJY8">new series</a> promised to give us more about Charlie and Nick's friends, including Elle (Yasmin Finney) as well as a class trip to Paris. With hilarious consequences as they used to say in <i>TV Times</i>. The show, based on the webcomics by Alice Oseman, retained its tone of matter-of-fact acceptance of its LGBTQ+ characters, as well as its charm and warmth. The <i>Gruniad</i>, which had called the first series 'adorable', <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/aug/06/the-week-in-tv-heartstopper-season-two-2-review-wolf-the-lost-flowers-of-alice-hart-sigourney-weaver-the-hidden-world-of-hospitality-with-tom-kerridge">this time said</a>, said 'It's television with the guts to be radically sensitive and that <i>never</i> gets old.' There were also positive, sensitive and understanding reviews from a wide range of media organs such as <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/culture/tv-and-radio/netflix-s-heartwarming-teen-drama-heartstopper-is-back-for-another-warm-hug-20230807-p5dui8.html"><i>The Age</i></a>, <a href="https://www.starburstmagazine.com/reviews/heartstopper-season-two/"><i>Starburst</i></a>, <a href="https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2023/08/heartstopper-is-just-as-swoon-worthy-in-season-2"><i>Vanity Fair</i></a>, <a href="https://thequeerreview.com/2023/08/02/tv-review-heartstopper-season-2-netflix/"><i>The Queer Review</i></a>, <a href="https://eu.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/tv/2023/08/02/heartstopper-season-2-review-beautiful-queer-teen-story-we-need/70497417007/"><i>USA Today</i></a>, <a href="https://www.rollingstone.com/tv-movies/tv-movie-reviews/heartstopper-season-2-review-netflix-lgbtq-teen-love-1234790192/"><i>Rolling Stain</i></a> and the <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/08/03/heartstopper-s2-review-netflix/"><i>Torygraph</i></a> among others. And, one appallingly agenda-soaked <i>sneer</i> from That Awful Woman at <i>The Times</i> with a face like sour milk, who <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/wolf-is-the-strangest-tv-murder-mystery-of-2023-k7q327vwm">claimed</a>: 'To say there's nothing in their lives that's difficult or awkward is to totally understate the glossy, fairy-lighted, skipping, giggling little one-note cocoon these annoying gits live in.' This blogger will leave it entirely up to <i>From The North</i>'s dear blog readers as to whom they find the <i>more</i> 'annoying git' in this particular equation. The <i>Digital Spy</i> website <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a44625731/heartstopper-season-2-review/">called the series</a> 'the cosy comfort blanket of teen shows' adding 'we don't mean that as a bad thing.' Good. Because, it's isn't. In a television landscape where the troubled teens like those on <b>Euphoria</b> often dominate, whom among us couldn't use a warm and fluffy comfort blanket in these troubled, wretched times? <br />
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20. <b>Nolly</b> <br />
'They have plans for the future of the show and they don't include you.' <i>Any</i> new show - or, even, any <i>old</i> show - from Big Rusty, the creator of <b><a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2021/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">It's A Sin</a></b> and <b><a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2019/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">Years & Years</a></b> was reason enough to be excited, but when you combined that with a lead role from Helena Bonham Carter and the strange story of 1970s soap megastar Noelle Gordon, things got even more intriguing. A three-part mini-series, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1r424Snx--0"><b>Nolly</b></a> followed Gordon during her rise to massive stardom in Britain as Meg Richardson in the popular soap <b>Crossroads</b>, before her sudden and mysterious sacking from the show in 1981. Not so much a fall from grace as a push from a great height, as <i>The Big Issue</i> <a href="https://www.bigissue.com/culture/tv/russell-t-davies-why-is-powerful-strong-nolly-remembered-as-diva/">suggested</a>. And then, the efforts to kick-start her career on the stage. Augustus Prew was delightful as Gordon's co-star Tony Adams as was <i>From The North</i> favourite Mark Gatiss, camping it up like a good'un as Larry Grayson. One of the first programmes to premiere on ITV's new streaming service, ITVX in February, <b>Nolly</b> received across-the--board critical acclaim. 'Funny and touching' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/02/02/nolly-itvx-review-helena-bonham-carter-russell-t-davies-make/">according</a> to the <i>Torygraph</i>, <i>Variety</i> <a href="https://variety.com/2023/tv/global/helena-bonham-carter-nolly-tv-review-1235510625/">declared</a> Big Rusty's writing 'floats intriguing statements of purpose only for them to dissipate as we shuttle back and forth through a six-decade career. Whenever it allows itself to take a breath, <b>Nolly</b> approaches the depth and texture of Davies' best work.' 'This is a celebration, not a wake,' <a href="https://www.heraldscotland.com/news/23296010.nolly-itvx-stv-player-helena-bonham-carter-noele-gordon/">added</a> the <i>Herald</i>. 'Ultimately we see Nolly not simply as a victim of men but of the changing television culture.' 'I went into this thinking it could be a laugh to write about a diva,' said Big Rusty himself. 'So I was surprised to find that everyone loved her.' Much like the series, in fact. <br />
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21. <b>Annika</b><br />
'Michael's probably going to ask why I waited sixteen years to tell him he's Morgan's father. I mean, it's a fair question!' The second series of the highly-regarded <i>From The North</i> favourite Nicola Walker vehicle <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDsMFMB17FA">premiered on Alibi</a> just a few weeks after the first series (as featured in this blog's <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2021/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2021 awards</a>) finally got a terrestrial broadcast on the BBC. Annika Strandhed (Walker) is a Detective Inspector heading up the newly-formed, Glasgow-based, Marine Homicide Unit. The relationship between Annika and Morgan, her teenage daughter (Silvie Furneaux), is the basis for sub-plots across the episodes. In a brilliant story-telling device, Annika regularly breaks the fourth wall to communicate directly with the audience about aspects of the current case and her personal reflections. Add in a quality support cast (<i>From The North </i>favourite Paul McGann, Kate Dickie, Jamie Sives) and creator Nick Walker (no relation)'s adaptation of his own Radio 4 drama is a winner on just about every level. <b>Annika</b> has broken records to become Alibi's most-watched drama for at least seven years. 'Thank the Lord for <i>Annika</i>, which once again seemed to appear out of nowhere to restore one's faith in TV drama,' <a href="https://www.heraldscotland.com/life_style/arts_ents/23713771.annika-alone-reunion-crazy-rich-agents---reviewed/">gushed</a> the <i>Herald</i> whilst <i>The Times</i> <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/sally-wainwright-this-cultural-life-review-the-quiet-genius-behind-happy-valley-xtlj630p6">suggested</a> that 'The plot was looser than old knicker elastic, but what is strong about this series is the dynamic between Strandhed and her colleague DS Michael McAndrews.' Unsurprisingly, That Awful Singh Woman at the <i>Torygraph</i> <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/08/09/annika-season-2-alibi-review-nicola-walker-whodunit/">hated it</a>. A useful reminder to this viewer that there are some of his fellow television reviewers whom he has such a low regard for, he actually finds it painful when one of them <i>likes</i> something <i>he</i> does. It's Keith Telly Topping's problem, dear blog readers, he's just going to have to deal with it. '<b>Mare of Easttown</b> it is most assuredly not,' <a href="https://thekillingtimestv.wordpress.com/2021/08/17/review-annika-s1-e1-6/">noted</a> <i>The Killing Time</i> website after saying how good it was to have Nicola back on our screens. But, it concluded that 'it's still worth a watch.' And, if you look up 'damning with faint phrase' on <i>Google</i>, you'll find <i>that </i>somewhere near the top of the list. <br />
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22. <b>Barry</b><br />
'I'm really sorry, I didn't think it would end up like this.' As Bill Hader's jet-black HBO comedy went along, the darkness threatened to fully subsume the comedy section of the equation. Indeed, by the fourth and final series of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DVrFZZHbQ4"><b>Barry</b></a>, the uneasy balance which gave the show its singular tone had tipped almost completely into abject, utter despair. <i>Everyone</i>, it seems, was on a downward curve: Hader's titular hitman-turned-actor was in prison for murdering a police officer; the dreams of stardom of his on-off girlfriend, Sally (Sarah Goldberg) were as dead as the man she killed in self-defence and Barry Berkman's mentor (the magnificent Henry Winkler) was wracked with paranoia and narcissism. Amazingly, though, when <b>Barry</b> wanted to be funny, it was still funnier than many alleged comedies on TV - see, for instance, Fred Armisen's hilariously gory botched assassination attempt in episode three. It didn't, quite, end in the way this blogger had expected, relying on a few convenient plot contrivances and a conceptually fascinating but a bit disorientating time-jump to get where it wants to go. But even as it got increasingly challenging to watch, <b>Barry</b> was equally difficult to turn away from, right up to its bitter, bleak, painfully ironic finale (told in part, brilliantly, as a TV-movie-within-a-TV-series). <b>Barry</b>'s most ambitious series <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/culture/on-television/how-barry-went-from-hollywood-satire-to-existential-epic">according to</a> <i>New Yorker</i>, it 'took those risks a step further ... tying themes together from the entire run in a way that feels more dangerous and definitive, even if one didn't know it was the last season,' <a href="https://theplaylist.net/barry-season-4-review-the-final-season-of-hbos-hit-comedy-pushes-characters-to-a-violent-conclusion-20230411/">added</a> <i>The Playlist</i>. It was drama that 'took us for a wild ride over four heart-pounding seasons. This show's trajectory is something I never could have predicted,' <a href="https://www.geekgirlauthority.com/barry-series-finale-recap-season-4-episode-8-wow/">considered</a> <i>Geek Girl Authority</i> whilst <i>Uprox</i> <a href="https://uproxx.com/tv/best-tv-shows-2023-succession/">concluded</a> that Hader, who directed every episode of the final series, 'is an absurdly talented man.' Even one of the few negative reviews the final series had, from <i>Polygon</i>, <a href="https://www.polygon.com/reviews/23683742/barry-season-4-review">made an interesting point</a> that, in the author's view, <b>Barry</b> 'arguably fails because the moral worldview constructed by Hader and his co-writers is too strong and all of its characters are subservient to it.' Ultimately, the final word on <b>Barry</b> goes to <i>TV Insider</i>'s Matt Roush who <a href="https://www.tvinsider.com/1088826/barry-season-4-review-hbo/">noted</a> that 'laughter sticks in the throat in a savage satire that <i>never</i> plays it safe.' Safety was something that <b>Barry </b>never got even <i>close</i> to. And, therein lay it's greatness. <br />
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23. <b>Silo</b> <br />
'What if what we see is <i>not</i> what's out there?' Apple TV+ has become perhaps the most consistently quality streamer of late and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZYhuvIv1pA">here</a> was another great debut series: a dystopian SF drama, based on the novels by Hugh Howey. Set in the not-too-distant future, it finds humankind retreated to a huge underground complex to live in as the world outside becomes increasingly uninhabitable. But, its residents are kept in the dark as to exactly what happened to drive them down there in the first place - until various people, including Sheriff Holston (David Oyelowo) and engineer Juliette (Rebecca Ferguson) become suspicious about the regime and the rhetoric that is had been spoon-feeding them all these years. The whole thing is beautifully conceived, from the production design of the enclosed, shut-off, concrete and metal world to the drama's intriguing plotting and shifting sense of dislocation and paranoia. As John Nugent of <i>Empire</i> <a href="https://www.empireonline.com/tv/reviews/silo/">noted</a>: 'It is a riveting puzzle-box mystery of a series, which across its ten episodes borrows elements of Swiftian satire, chilly Cold War-era political conspiracies, dusty small-town Western showdowns, doing-the-work police procedurals and even philosophical thought experiments.' With some impressive names further down the cast (Tim Robbins, Harriet Walter, Iain Glen, Geraldine James), Atli Örvarsson's atonal, eerie score and cleverly structured world-building, <b>Silo</b> was, as <i>Rotten Tomatoes</i> <a href="https://www.rottentomatoes.com/tv/silo/s01">said</a>, 'a mystery box well-worth opening.' The <i>Chicago Sun-Times</i> <a href="https://chicago.suntimes.com/movies-and-tv/2023/5/4/23709661/silo-review-apple-series-rebecca-ferguson-hugh-howey">wrote</a> that the series 'holds our interest with intriguing characters and effective twists and turns' and took note of how <b>Silo</b> 'shifts gears through a number of genres, from conspiracy thriller to big-picture social commentary to police procedural to end-times romance.' The <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/may/05/silo-review-this-rich-dystopian-drama-is-absolutely-thrilling">suggested</a>, rightly for once, that the 'world-building is meticulous' and 'the story is equally thrilling.' Washington's <i>WTOP News</i> perceptively <a href="https://wtop.com/entertainment/2023/07/review-silo-is-one-of-the-best-sci-fi-tv-series-in-years/">added</a> that 'the claustrophobia is palpable for viewers after COVID-19 and Canadian wildfires. The same dynamics emerge of folks questioning the system with references to "The Before Times," a phrase that describes the era before our real world changed in March 2020.' Of course, not everyone liked it, some cheb-end named Jesper (no, really) gave it <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/05/05/silo-apple-tv-review-hugh-howey-harriet-walter-iain-glen/">a stinker of a review</a> in the <i>Torygraph</i> whilst That Awful Woman at <i>The Times</i> with a face like sour milk <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/queen-of-oz-catherine-tate-review-l8z5635q2"><i>sneered</i></a>: 'This is one of those intensely watchable, peerlessly silly sci-fi shows in which people repeatedly say things like: "But you cannot leave the silo!"' Forget such rank, <i>ignorant</i> genre snobbishness, dear blog reader, <i>this</i> was top quality television. <br />
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24. <b>Wilderness</b><br />
'If you'd have seen us, you'd have hated us. This perfect, happy couple.' Ah, Jenna Coleman, dear blog reader. Lovely, brilliant <i>From The North</i> favourite Jenna. Has she ever been in <i>anything</i> that her presence hasn't, significantly, improved? Well, possibly <b>Victoria</b>, although that was only difficult to take seriously because every time Tom Hughes as Prince Albert told another character 'she's <i>ze Qveen</i>' you expected the next line to be '... of ze rapping scene.' This blogger digresses. Fresh from her triumphant appearance on 2022's <i>From The North</i> <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">TV show of the year</a>, <b>The Sandman</b>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUTCl5XiEl0"><b>Wilderness</b></a> saw Jenna star in a twisted Hitchcockian love story full of lies, secrets and sour and rotten doings. Opposite Oliver Jackson-Cohen, Coleman played a woman who planned to take revenge on her cheating husband during a holiday in America's national parks that was, in theory, designed to repair their broken marriage. The Amazon Prime six-part drama was adapted by Marnie Dickens from the novel by BE Jones and arrived on the streaming platform in September. The drama was <a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-reviews/wilderness-review-amazon-1235590302/">criticised</a> for its overreliance on generic tropes by <i>The Hollywood Reporter</i> ('too junky and not junky enough' they sneered, whatever the Hell <i>that</i> nonsense means) but it received broadly positive reviews from <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-morning-show-review-jennifer-aniston-is-a-shiny-apex-predator-df9p5rs7l"><i>The Times</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.bostonglobe.com/2023/09/14/arts/so-so-thriller-is-lurking-this-wilderness/"><i>Boston Globe</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/sep/17/laura-kuenssberg-state-of-chaos-review-my-mum-your-dad-davina-mccall-wilderness-jenna-coleman-welcome-to-wrexham-season-2"><i>Observer</i></a> and the <a href="https://nypost.com/2023/09/17/wilderness-a-pulpy-drama-about-infidelity-and-revenge-review/"><i>New York Post</i></a>; the latter suggested that despite <b>Wilderness</b>'s faults (and it did have a few), 'there's a lot to like here in an entertaining drama about infidelity, revenge and a road trip gone awry.' Jenna 'keeps playing psychopaths because she's good at it,' wrote another critic, 'violence gleaming in those enormous doll eyes (although the Welsh accent she attempts here <i>is</i> regrettable).' Oh, was it supposed to be <i>Welsh</i>? Well, you know what they say, dear blog reader? You can take the girl out of Blackpool, but ... <br />
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25. <b>The Brokenwood Mysteries</b> <br />
'Where's Liam Neeson and his special set of skills when you need him?' Television 'is the business of compromise,' this blogger's co-author Paul Cornell wrote in <i>The Guinness Book Of Classic British TV</i> (1993) with regard to <b>The Prisoner</b>. Never was this observation more applicable than when looking at the phenomena that is <b>The Brokenwood Mysteries</b>. The ninth series of the <i>From The North</i> favourite and 'Best Of' list regular began in the UK on the Drama Channel in September. As noted in <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2018/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">previous years</a>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DaZts2rmfg"><b>The Brokenwood Mysteries</b></a> is a series which, initially at least, rather crept under the radar of many British viewers - this blogger included. It's a New Zealand crime drama which is unable to make up its mind whether it wants to be <b>Midsomer Murders</b> or <b>Twin Peaks</b>. So, rather wonderfully, it ends up as a bit of both, simultaneously! And, trust this blogger, that's actually <i>a good thing</i>. 'With its "gentle" approach to murders, twisty mysteries and warm, witty and relatively uncomplicated regulars, it's easy to see why <b>Brokenwood</b> has gained such a global following,' noted the <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/stuff-to-watch/300331683/the-brokenwood-mysteries-tvnz-made-us-wait-so-has-this-series-past-its-prime"><i>Stuff</i></a> website, later <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/stuff-to-watch/300930521/the-brokenwood-mysteries-new-season-opener-shows-tvnzs-kiwi-midsomer-still-has-plenty-of-life-in-it">adding</a>: 'True, it's not exactly cutting-edge drama, but it offers ... twisty mysteries and entertaining, comfortable viewing.' Maybe <i>that's</i> the secret; if viewers go in expecting something dark and gritty they're going to be disappointed. If, on the other hand, they subscribe to a 'goes down nice with a cup of milky tea and biscuit, Missus' mind-set, this is a <i>real</i> winner. The central detective trio of Neill Rea, Fern Sutherland and Jarod Rawiri were on particularly good form this year, with Cristina Ionda's ghoulish and matter-of-fact pathologist, Gina, throwing in atom bombs of caustic wit from the side-lines. And the series opener, <i>Brokenwood: The Musical</i> was especially good, bizarre - at times, hilarious - fun. Engaging, quirky, with a keen sense of its own ridiculous <i>faux-naïf</i> world (concerning, as it does, a small town full of strange eccentrics which appears to be the murder capital of the Southern Hemisphere), <b>Brokenwood</b>'s charms are gentle, yet remain <i>very</i> rewarding. If you haven't caught this one yet, dear blog reader - and this blogger realises he says this, or a variant of it, most years - do yourself a favour, find some and watch it. A tenth series is, reportedly, currently in production. <br />
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26. <b>Beef</b> <br />
'I have a very full life that I'd love to get back to!' If this Netflix series was sold as a 'road rage drama' (and, it was), then the moment at which Los Angeles residents Amy (Ali Wong) and Danny (Steven Yeun) clash in a car park is really just a starting point. For a darkly funny show in which events spiral out of control in unexpected ways as the duos lives become ever-more intertwined. Korean director Lee Sung Jin's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFPIMHBzGDs">spiky black comedy</a> - a kind of <i>Falling Down</i> with frequent belly laughs - was a watch-through-your-fingers experience; a burst of fury and existential despair that will, this blogger suspects, chime even with people who would never <i>dream</i> of pursuing a road rage incident to the point of catastrophic self-sabotage. That's the spiralling scenario which Yeun's struggling handyman and Wong's unhappy entrepreneur fall into over ten propulsive, turbo-charged episodes. The two collide and re-collide in a show which gives over-the-top expression to the stresses and neuroses of much modern day living. For those who are yet to catch <b>Beef</b>, it wouldn't do to give too much away about what happens, except to say that the social satire of the earlier episodes quickly dissipates and doesn't prepare you for moments of both the gruesome and the surreal later on. Wong and Yeun are both astounding, from different sides of the class divide but equally highly-strung and are backed by a superb ensemble of supporting actors, from Maria Bello as a hideous Gwyneth Paltrow-esque lifestyle guru to Young Mazino as Danny's sweet brother, Paul. The <i>Chicago Sun-Times</i> <a href="https://chicago.suntimes.com/2023/4/6/23672573/beef-review-netflix-series-steven-yeun-ali-wong">described</a> <b>Beef</b> as 'bold, darkly funny, emotionally bruising, provocative and wicked-smart social satire.' Comparing it to <i>Falling Down</i> and <i>Changing Lanes</i> 'with a touch of <b>The White Lotus</b>,' they claimed that it was the best series they had seen all year. 'At first, this simple yet amusing premise seems better suited to a ninety-minute feature than a ten-episode series. But it soon becomes apparent that Lee is doing more than just a live-action Looney Tunes bit,' <a href="https://time.com/6263847/beef-review-netflix/">added</a> <i>Time</i> and wondered why Netflix don't make more shows like this. It's a valid question; at a time when the company has been <a href="https://deadline.com/2023/11/shadow-and-bone-glamorous-agent-elvis-captain-fall-farzar-canceled-strike-impact-1235611562/">cutting back</a> on genuinely bold and subversive content, <i>this</i> stands out as a rare, majestic gem. Bobby Krlic's soundtrack is worth its weight in gold too. <br />
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27. <b>Litvinenko</b><br />
'I need to report a murder.' 'Whose murder?' '<i>Mine</i>.' Alexei Navalney (see above), despite currently being banged up in The Gulag for looking at The Butcher Of Grozny in a funny way or some-such hideous crime, had <i>one</i> genuine stroke of luck. Unlike Alex Litvinenko, he's <i>still alive</i>. The, if-it-wasn't-true-you'd-never-be-able-to-make-it-up story of Litvinenko's murder by Polonium-210 poisoning in London in 2006 had already been the subject of numerous documentaries (including 2017's acclaimed <i>From The North</i> favourite <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2017/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>Hunting The KGB Killers</b></a>). It was only a matter of time before it got turned into <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KM-fZ_oabLQ">an ITV biopic</a> with national heartthrob David Tennant in the title role. However, the dramatisation was more about the ten-year fight of Marina Litvinenko (Margarita Levieva) and a team of Met police officers (including Mark Bonner, Sam Troughton and Neil Maskell) as they worked, to date unsuccessfully, to prove the guilt and release the names of those responsible for the murder of Marina's husband. Tennant met with the real Marina and said that he felt a responsibility to her, adding 'it's so relevant to the world we live in what happened to that man and the things that he spent his life talking about and that his wife Marina, who is an extraordinary human, is still doing. The reason we tell that story is because it's so raw and vivid and important.' George Kay's script was largely based on police interview files. The series, broadcast in the final days of December 2022, was a ratings success, albeit receiving largely sniffy notices from the broadsheets. Elsewhere, it was a different story. 'The series wants you to know, or at least <i>believe</i>, that this is how things actually went down and if that means that <b>Litvinenko</b> is dry, choppy and only limitedly satisfying? That, I guess, is the price of fidelity,' <a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-reviews/litvinenko-david-tennant-1235282444/">wrote</a> <i>The Hollywood Reporter</i>. 'A drama that reeks of authenticity' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/whats-on-tv-and-radio-tonight-thursday-december-15-d8t5k7mzd">said</a> <i>The Times</i>. '<b>Litvinenko</b> manages to walk a fine line, respecting the humanity of the man murdered at the centre of this story and the mystery thriller aspect,' <a href="https://telltaletv.com/2022/12/litvinenko-review-a-harrowing-tragedy-triggers-a-high-stakes-investigation/">according</a> to <i>Tell-Tale TV</i>. Whilst some critics whinged about the 'unsatisfying' nature of the <i>denouement</i> (perhaps expecting that the story would, somehow, invent a climax that included the arrest of a bunch of random Borises and Ivans), the final episode, with its <i>leitmotif</i> of a smiling Putin on a TV screen told a much more important story. That you <i>can</i> get away with murder, it would seem, if you're brazen about it and if you have enough murderers in your employ. The fact that Putin and <i>his</i> murderers are, allegedly, still <a href="https://www.cbsnews.com/news/france-investigates-poisoning-marina-ovsiannikova-russian-journalist-tv-protest-ukraine-war/">getting away with the same <i>sick</i> shit</a> in 2023 is the main reason to justify <b>Litvinenko</b>'s existence. <br />
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28. <b>Shrinking</b> <br />
'Are you just gonna burn down your career and take me with you?' 'Coin-flip?' 'Get outta here.' 'This is <i>my</i> office.' '<i>That</i> took you longer than it should've!' Harrison Ford, in unlikely-but-brilliant comic mode, would be reason enough to watch this Apple TV+ series, but <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjHfjQDWl1A"><b>Shrinking</b></a> does something unexpected and challenging to pull-off its ultimate hand. It balances a heartfelt dramatic tone in a story of grief with some funny, character-based humour. <i>Very</i> funny. Jason Segel, also one of the series' creators (along with Bill Lawrence and Brett Goldstein), plays Jimmy an endearing, but at times utterly useless, therapist. A year after his wife has died, he decides to tell his patients how to run their lives. Much of the wit comes from the way his colleagues try to save him from himself; Ford brings perfect deadpan delivery to the role of Paul, a senior therapist who is also Jimmy's irascible friend and mentor. Jessica Williams is another colleague and, together, she and Ford can make a disagreement about how much water to drink in a day a genuine comic delight. As the characters reveal more and more flaws as the series progresses, they also become, oddly, more likable to the audience for all their imperfections. <b>Shrinking</b> has far darker ideas on its mind than an earnest approach would suggest it can translate, but Segel and Ford's sparkling witty turns make these characters worth sticking with for all ten episodes. 'On its own terms, the show is a bright spot in a very crowded landscape that isn't always this good at taking pain and decency - and comedy - and giving them all room to breathe,' <a href="https://www.npr.org/2023/01/31/1152527309/shrinking-review-harrison-ford-jason-segel">wrote</a> <i>NPR</i>. '<b>Shrinking</b> reminds us that Ford can be funny when given the chance. <i>Really</i> funny,' <a href="https://captimes.com/entertainment/screens/harrison-fords-big-comedic-performance-elevates-shrinking/article_009e9d0d-9b99-5b1e-8554-429ed9308810.html">added</a> the <i>Capital Times</i>. The <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/jan/27/shrinking-review-harrison-ford-jason-segel-jessica-williams">agreed</a>: 'It is Ford - in only his second-ever small screen role and the first to let him remind us all of his comic as well as dramatic chops - who holds it all together.' Perhaps the <i>Wall Street Journal</i><a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/shrinking-review-when-a-therapist-needs-therapy-11674598957"> best expressed</a> what makes <b>Shrinking</b> work: 'The overall sense is a little like laughing at a funeral; the human impulses are familiar, a little perverse and somehow comforting!' A second series has, unsurprisingly, been commissioned. <br />
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29. <b>Rosie Molloy Gives Up Everything</b><br />
'That takes us from Keith Richards to Lindsay Lohan. And she <i>still</i> looks hot!' Another show from the back-end of last year (with the final episode going out on New Year's Day), <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJwgQxg5W2s"><b>Rosie Molloy Gives Up Everything</b></a> was a Sky Comedy series, created and written by Susan Nickson and starring <i>From The North</i> favourites Sheridan Smith, Ardal O'Hanlon and Pauline McLynn. Sheridan plays the titular thirtysomething, who has a well-paid partnership position in a Manchester accountancy firm. But the stressed workaholic has been self-medicating - with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex and even Terry's Chocolate Oranges. After an embarrassing incident at her brother's wedding, she wakes up in hospital and decides to change her life which, crucially, means giving up as the title suggests <i>everything</i>. Her parents and friends, however, are no help at all ('therapy is for people who've no one to go for a pint with!') Worse, is the realisation that perhaps it isn't the addictions that are her problem in the first place. More of a comedy-drama than a drama with some funny bits, the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2022/dec/07/rosie-molloy-gives-up-everything-review-sheridan-smith-comedy">said</a>: 'It's gags galore in Sheridan Smith's hilarious new comedy. The actor's captivating turn as an out-of-control hedonist has a script stuffed with jokes.' <i>The Times</i> agreed: 'Some vehicles work better for Sheridan Smith than others, but <b>Rosie Molloy Gives Up Everything</b> is a rocket for her talent,' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/spike-milligan-the-unseen-archive-review-a-new-angle-on-a-comedy-master-05b2kmgml">adding</a>: 'Its irreverence probably won't please some. Rosie Molloy is a mess, but a damn funny one.' The <i>Independent</i> <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/rosie-molloy-gives-up-everything-review-sheridan-smith-b2240722.html">praised</a> the series' 'great deal of dramatic tension. It's comical, in the darkest kind of way. In Smith's spirited (no pun intended) performance, our Rosie is a kind of engaging Mancunian good-time girl who'll try anything once ' and then get addicted to it.' Sheridan was, as usual for this gifted actress, a force of nature in a role which she managed to make, simultaneously, ridiculous <i>and</i> sympathetic with consummate ease. <br />
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30. <b>Foundation</b> <br />
'I have dreams sometimes about things that will happen. And I wake up <i>terrified</i>.' How is it, dear bloggerisationism-type individuals, that Apple's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2t0BGkVQMuQ"><b>Foundation</b></a>, a visually spectacular adaptation of one of the most famous SF novel series of all time, is somehow one of the least talked-about shows on television? Created by David S Goyer and Josh Friedman and loosely based on the works of Isaac Asimov, <b>Foundation</b> is set in a distant future where The Galactic Empire is ruled by a Genetic Dynasty of cloned emperors. When mathematician Hari Seldon (Jared Harris) develops a complex algorithm to predict the future, he and his Foundation are banished to a remote planet. Series Two, broadcast in July, picked up one hundred and thirty years later: Lee Pace's Brother Day seeks to shore up The Empire's maximum power (and shake-up The Genetic Dynasty) by making a strategic marriage, while The Foundation, now the subject of a fast-emerging religion, faces new external and internal threats. <b>Foundation</b>'s best scenes involve Pace as The Empire's egotistical tyrant and Laura Birn as Demerzel, his steely android <i>majordomo</i>. Demerzel's centuries-long history of service to The Empire finally comes into view and the push and pull between this soulful android and her utterly soulless human master makes for some of television's most conceptually fascinating SF. 'Impressively imaginative,' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/whats-on-tv-and-radio-tonight-friday-july-14-mm632rfk8">according</a> to <i>The Times</i>, 'dripping with production value and excellent performances' <a href="https://www.thewrap.com/foundation-season-2-review-apple-tv/">claimed</a> <i>The Wrap</i>, 'except perhaps <b>Battlestar Galactica</b>, rarely have we seen such a complex and well-built world to tell us something so dense and full of ramifications,' <a href="https://www.espinof.com/criticas/olvidate-ahsoka-dune-esta-serie-ciencia-ficcion-impresionante-ultimos-anos-su-superior-temporada-2-esta-apple-tv">added</a> <i>Espinof</i>. Though the latter said so in Spanish, so you'll have to take this blogger's word for it. '<b>Foundation</b> is a true spectacle, there's no denying that,' <a href="https://readysteadycut.com/2023/07/14/foundation-season-2-review/">wrote</a> <i>Ready Steady Cut</i>. 'The visuals and the world-building are on another level. This is a sci-fi fanatic's dream come true.' It isn't too late to tune into <b>Foundation</b>. Certainly, it can seem a daunting prospects for the newbie - it's a vast, talky and complex epic that makes <i>Dune</i> look like an episode of <b>Lost In Space</b>. But, for the patient viewer who is prepared to put in some work, it is endlessly rewarding. A third series <a href="https://www.praguereporter.com/home/2023/6/9/apple-tvs-foundation-season-3-kicks-off-prague-shoot/">began filming</a> in May in Prague, but was halted in July, as a result of the - now resolved - Hollywood industry disputes.<br />
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31. <b>The Sixth Commandment</b> <br />
'Ben lived with him, then Peter got ill. Then Ben lived with my aunt and <i>she</i> got ill.' Written by Sarah Phelps and directed by Saul Dibb, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aaSvOVMtkY"><b>The Sixth Commandment</b></a> is far from the sometimes exploitative style that viewers have come to associate with the true crime genre, especially in relation to a case of so recent vintage. Instead, this four-part BBC drama centred the lives of the victims, academic and novelist Peter Farquhar and his neighbour, Ann Moore-Martin, who were <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-49002436">murdered</a> in the Buckinghamshire village of Maids Moreton in 2014 and 2017. <i>From The North</i> favourite Timothy Spall is impeccable as Farquhar, as is Anne Reid playing Moore-Martin, bringing humanity, nuance and insight into their lives. The series follows the sinister, tragic circumstances involving their deaths, the web of manipulation, control and deception police would need to untangle in their investigation and the court case, when devastating revelations would be made and proved. Sheila Hancock, Éanna Hardwicke, Annabel Scholey and Ben Bailey Smith also featured in a shocking tale of gaslighting, jealousy and cruelty. The <i>Gruniad</i> praised the writing, directing and performances and <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/jul/17/the-sixth-commandment-review-as-immaculate-a-piece-of-tv-as-you-will-ever-see">called</a> it 'as immaculate a piece of TV as you will ever see.' The <i>Torygraph</i> also lauded the performances and <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/07/10/sixth-commandment-bbc-one-review/">said</a> the drama 'never forgets Field's victims were real and suffered horribly.' <b>The Sixth Commandment</b> 'is so harrowing it borders on unwatchable. It also might well be the best television drama of the year,' <a href="https://www.theaustralian.com.au/arts/review/the-sixth-commandment-could-be-the-best-tv-drama-of-the-year/news-story/2c518aa803308e4228ecfb1ad26c6ae7">added</a> <i>The Australian</i> whilst <i>The Times</i> <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-sixth-commandment-review-a-heartbreaking-portrayal-of-a-sickening-crime-3mj02n5kh">described</a> it as 'heart-breaking, compelling drama'. Here, again, is the sort of television which viewers don't appreciate they need until they are confronted by it. <br />
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32. <b>Star Trek: Strange New Worlds</b> <br />
'Our job puts us up against death. We might not like it but we <i>do</i> have to face it.' Is there anything better than television that really, deeply and <i>proudly</i> knows itself and its responsibilities? <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJYPXuM-3JA"><b>Star Trek: Strange New Worlds</b></a> is a <i>great</i> show for a number of reasons. The cast, already strong in its first series, have become more relaxed and playful in the SF drama's second year. It is capable of encompassing a broad tonal range, swinging from bowel-shatteringly horrid horror to brilliantly funny comedy hijinks and back again in space of three episodes. It also - and <i>this</i> is important - understands how to tie thoughtful character development together with story-arcs, which benefits both sides of that equation: Characters like Spock (Ethan Peck), Ortegas (Melissa Navia), Pike (Anson Mount) and Christine Chapel (Jess Bush) feel more nuanced, while the stories they drive are allowed to reach satisfying ends. Following the opening two-parter, episodes like <i>Tomorrow & Tomorrow & Tomorrow</i> (a time-travel vehicle for introducing Jim Kirk), <i>Charades</i> (possibly the funniest conceit that the <b>Star Trek</b> franchise has <i>ever</i> attempted) and <i>Those Old Scientists</i> (well, expect for <i>this</i> one, obviously!) rammed home the message that <b>Strange New Worlds</b> does what it does and does it brilliantly. Not just to pleasure the fans (though they do <i>that</i> easily enough, anyway) but also to satisfy those who wouldn't know their dilithium crystals from their trans-warp conduits and simply want to enjoy fine, character-based storytelling. Even the much-debated musical episode (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVDkzwBVGKM"><i>Subspace Rhapsody</i></a>) worked. And, in <i>existing</i>, it also gloriously pissed off a few stuffy old farts who, frankly, <i>deserved</i> a bit of pissing off. But what most defines <b>Strange New World</b> is absolute confidence in what makes this series work. It takes big swings and it stays rooted in an old-school-TV outlook which values generosity of spirit, warmth and broad appeal. 'Many <b>Trek</b> series have failed at this adventure-of-the-week storytelling, especially when trying to mix it with bigger-picture storylines. <b>Worlds</b> feels <i>effortless</i>,' <a href="https://eu.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/tv/2023/06/14/star-trek-strange-new-worlds-season-2-review-the-trek-we-deserve/70312667007/">suggested</a> <i>USA Today</i> (correctly). It feels, to grown-up viewers, like being fourteen again and watching the TV you love when you know you should really be doing your homework. Filming for next year's third series has been, as with a lot of US series, delayed due to the recently-ended actors strike. <br />
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33. <b>The Gold</b> <br />
'We're looking for six robbers and three tons of gold. Money like that will end up in surprising places with surprising people.' The gaping hole left by <b>Happy Valley</b> in the BBC's crime drama schedule was quickly filled by this super-pacy six-part race through the notorious Brink's-Mat bullion robbery of 1983, one of the UK's biggest heists of all time. And one of its most dramatised, too (1992's <b>Fools Gold</b>, 2003's <b>Brinks Mat: The Greatest Heist</b>, last year's <b>The Curse</b> to name but three). <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gShXixufXqY"><b>The Gold</b></a>'s graciously grey rendering of 1980s London - full of grim pubs, battered motors and suburban gangsters - was spot-on, but some artistic licence was taken by author Neil Forsyth, as the show's most engaging character, Charlotte Spencer's no-bullshit detective Nicki Jennings, sadly never existed. Starring Hugh Bonneville, Dominic Cooper, Sean Harris, Jack Lowden and Tom Cullen, the series was a ratings hit for BBC1 in February. <i>The Times</i> <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-gold-television-review-hugo-rifkind-zvqxssxvq">said of the series</a>, 'it's tremendous. I'm not sure there's been a drama like it in years.' <i>The Sunday Times</i> <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-gold-kenneth-noye-and-john-palmer-are-grimy-icons-of-thatchers-britain-7dm758xpw">called</a> <b>The Gold</b> 'astonishingly, lavishly [and] well realised,' while <i>Esquire</i> <a href="https://www.esquire.com/uk/culture/a43118579/the-gold-has-all-the-hallmarks-of-a-crime-classic/">suggested</a> it was 'British TV at its best' and had 'all the hallmarks of a crime classic.' The <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be written by <i>adults</i>) <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/drama/the-gold-bbc-comment/">said</a> it was 'an intricately crafted crime drama.' The <i>Culture Whisper</i> website <a href="https://www.culturewhisper.com/r/tv/the_gold_bbc_drama_review_hugh_bonneville/17357">considered</a> that <b>The Gold</b> 'proves that shows dealing in largely British matters are just as ambitious as prestige American television.' <i>The New Statesman</i> <a href="https://www.newstatesman.com/culture/tv/2023/02/bbc-one-the-gold-review-outstandingly-enjoyable-tv">called</a> it 'outstandingly enjoyable TV,' with the <i>Evening Standard</i> <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/culture/tvfilm/the-gold-bbc-one-review-dominic-cooper-jack-lowden-hugh-bonneville-b1057897.html">adding</a>: 'a truly smart British crime drama with a classic feel and a knockout cast.' There was some criticism of the perceived 'sympathetic' portrayal of Kenneth Noye (played by Lowden) from the family of the man whom he murdered in a road-rage incident in 1996 (<a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/bbc-the-gold-killer-true-story-b2282546.html">reported</a>, with some glee, by the <i>Independent</i>). Forsyth <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/02/06/taller-blonder-del-boy-new-bbc-dramas-take-criminal-kenneth/">commented</a> on the morality of the story, saying that the production was not seeking 'a black-and-white reading of it. No-one in the show is an out-and-out criminal living in a world dictated by criminality. They've got families and lives.' Which some may view as a rather backhanded way of turning Micky McAvoy, Brian Robinson, Noye <i>et al</i> into Thatcher-era Robin Hoods; so it is worth pointing out at this juncture that, in reality, their idea of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor was robbing from the rich (whilst tooled-up and threatening to burn people alive if they didn't do as instructed) and <i>keeping it</i>. Just for the sake of balance. Nevertheless, if you make a drama with as many plus-points as this, you're allowed <i>a few</i> liberties with the truth. <br />
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34. <b>White House Plumbers</b> <br />
'Howard, that is <i>the stupidest thing I've ever heard</i>!' Political comedies are nothing new (see, <b>Veep</b>, <b>The Thick Of It</b>, <b>Yes, Minister</b> <i>et al</i>), but biographical political comedies are still pretty <i>niche</i>. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xoCCmjkxKQ"><b>White House Plumbers</b></a> suggests that could change. But only if you find a political situation ridiculous enough to warrant this sort of treatment. Following fruitcake White House insiders Howard Hunt (Woody Harrelson) and Gordon Liddy (Justin Theroux), the two Nixon allies ultimately responsible for the Watergate fiasco, HBO's re-telling of one of American history's most pivotal controversies included several fine performances (Theroux actually <i>underplayed</i> good old mental G Gordon something this blogger wasn't sure was even possible). And, it included comedic sequences which were both witty and absurd in equal measure. Based, very loosely, on low-level conspirator Bud Krogh's memoire, <i>Integrity</i>, the series - by Alex Gregory and Peter Huyck - occasionally got bogged down by its zealous ambition to adhere to historical fact, but with actors this appealing and material which was, truly, stranger than fiction, it managed to make most of the main players appear every bit as foolish as real life events suggest they were. Lena Headey was terrific as Hunt's far-smarter wife, Domhnall Gleeson a brilliantly frustrated 'why am I surround by <i>idiots</i>?' John Dean and Toby Huss a 'who is he <i>really</i> working for?' James McCord. The scene where the latter, having been arrested at the Watergate is refusing to give his identity to the arresting officer when another cop walks by and says, casually, 'Oh, hi Jim!' was <i>priceless</i>. 'A farce that recognises the Watergate scandal as a political tragedy that has acquired the requisite historical distance to turn it into amiable, if not electric, comedy,' <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/white-house-plumbers-review-woody-harrelson-b2347781.html">said</a> the <i>Independent</i>. 'Americans may find it depressing but, for everyone else, it is a period hoot begging to be binged,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/the-white-house-plumbers-sky-atlantic-hbo-review/">added</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. Perhaps unsurprisingly, American critics were generally harsher, although Brian Lowry's <a href="https://edition.cnn.com/2023/05/01/entertainment/white-house-plumbers-review/index.html">description</a> of the show as 'a lightweight companion to <i>All The President's Men</i>, presenting the flip side of all that planning and frantic covering up by what amounted to Keystone Criminals,' proved that some people across the Atlantic actually <i>did</i> get the joke. <br />
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35. <b>Wolf</b><br />
'Why are you doing this?' 'We want you to be scared.' Not to be confused with the Sky crime drama <b>Wolfe</b> (which was okay, but nothing special), <b>Wolf</b> was an intensely twisty six-part thriller from the BBC, broadcast in the late summer. It was adapted from Mo Hayder's series of Jack Caffery novels by Megan Gallagher and starred <b>The Midwich Cuckoos</b>' Ukweli Roach as Detective Inspector Caffery, who was trying to find the truth behind his ten-year-old brother's murder in the 1990s. Meanwhile, a terrifying duo played by <b>Doctor Who</b>'s Sacha Dhawan and <b>Game Of Thrones</b>' Iwan Rheon took a wealthy family (including a husband and wife played by Owen Teale and Juliet Stevenson) hostage in their own home, resulting in a disturbing race against time. It was made by <b>Sherlock</b> producers, Hartswood Films and featured some of the most disturbing and tense moments of drama seen on telly all year. Only a slight bagginess in a couple of episodes let it down, somewhat. Plus, as more than one online reviewer has noted, if you live in a palatial gaff in the middle of nowhere and, one day, The Master and Ramsey Bolton turn up at your door and ring the bell, <i>do not let them in under any circumstances</i>! Being both grisly and darkly humorous in places, it wasn't going to be to all tastes and a few of the usual suspects lined-up to give it a right kicking. Take <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/wolf-review-juliet-stevenson-xhqjmvj2d"><i>The Times</i></a>, for instance ('a candy-floss rush of unsatisfied longing, it is one of the most repulsive things I've seen.'). And, <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/07/31/wolf-bbc-one-review-macabre-drama-mo-hayder/">the <i>Torygraph</i></a> ('a deep unpleasantness spoils this offbeat thriller'). Others, like the <i>Evening Standard</i>, <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/culture/tvfilm/wolf-on-bbc-one-review-enough-twists-and-hooks-to-keep-things-fresh-b1096416.html">found more to enjoy</a> ('the series initially asks a lot of the audience. But ultimately it provides such a worthy pay-off that it's almost worth the producers adding an endnote reading "trust us ... stick with this," to the end of the early intense, but shallow episodes'). This blogger considers the <i>Gruniad</i>'s <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/jul/31/wolf-review-this-totally-wild-thriller-has-to-be-seen-to-be-believed">claim</a> that 'this totally wild thriller has to be seen to be believed' is <i>much</i> closer to the mark. <br />
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36. <b>A Spy Among Fiends</b><br />
'Treason. <i>That's</i> what I'm accusing you of.' A six-part Cold War espionage drama, based on Nicholas Elliott's decades-long friendship of and betrayal by Kim Philby. The source text was Ben Macintyre's bestselling book (previously, made by the author into a fine two-part BBC documentary, <b>Kim Philby: His Most Intimate Betrayal</b>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2014/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">a 2014 <b>From The North</b> 'Best Of'</a> nominee). It first arrived on the, then new, ITVX streaming service in December 2022 before getting a July slot on ITV. The star-studded line-up included Damien Lewis, Anna Maxwell Martin, Guy Pearce and Ade Edmondson and the series was nominated in the best mini-series category at the BAFTAs. More cerebral than action-packed, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sup7AGbwwMc"><b>A Spy Among Fiends</b></a> was an intelligent tale of espionage elevated by a pair of sterling performances from Lewis and Pearce. Maxwell-Martin, whom this blogger sometimes finds a bit too much like hard work to actually enjoy her acting, gave one of her finer performances as <a href="https://www.denofgeek.com/tv/a-spy-among-friends-lily-thomas-never-existed-but-shes-vital-to-this-true-story-drama/">the fictious intelligence officer Lily Thomas</a>. 'Watching it again confirmed that what I really like about <b>A Spy Among Friends</b> is its slow-burning quality. It is dialogue, rather than action, driven and that means you have to concentrate. That's something of a lost art these days,' <a href="https://www.independent.ie/entertainment/television/tv-reviews/television-reviews-ruthless-people-turn-on-each-other-for-money-sound-familiar-rte/a359539472.html">suggested</a> Ireland's <i>Sunday Independent</i>. <i>The Times</i> <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/a-spy-among-friends-itv-tv-review-damian-lewis-guy-pearce-97th2x2gx">spoke of</a> 'the cloistered, nicotine-stained rooms [which] feel deliberately evocative of the best John Le Carré adaptations, to which this occasionally feels like an homage, while flashbacks to 1930s Vienna and wartime London add texture to the story.' The series 'is more <b>Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy</b> than <i>The Spy Who Loved Me,</i> with a stellar ensemble that makes even the most seemingly drab and dry scenes (two people in a room, talking) feel like high-stakes drama with spidery diplomatic repercussions' <a href="https://www.avclub.com/a-spy-among-friends-tv-review-mgm-plus-damian-lewis-1850198818">added</a> <i>The AV Club</i>. 'Anyone who relishes the extended interrogations in <b>Line Of Duty</b> will be mesmerised by this six-part series, which amounts to one long cross-examination,' <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-11519297/CHRISTOPHER-STEVENS-reviews-nights-TV-Kate-Winslets-winner.html">said</a> the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i>. Few television dramas, as Australia's <i>The Age</i> <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/culture/tv-and-radio/the-acting-is-exceptional-but-why-does-this-star-biopic-feel-so-uninspired-20221212-p5c5ku.html">noted</a>, 'have made hypocrisy so compelling.' You see, dear blog reader. When they put their minds to it, ITV really <i>can</i> produce stuff that <i>isn't</i> disgraceful, characterless, bland and banal rubbish. Good for them. <br />
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37. <b>Endeavour</b> <br />
'I suppose I thought things would just go on. But then, they don't.' After eleven years, nine series and thirty six movie-length episodes of classy investigative drama, the <b>Inspector Morse</b> and <b>Lewis</b> prequel's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPTIswYo7E0">final series</a> wrapped up all of its (many) loose ends with a fan-pleasing valedictory lap and a justified bow to the grandstand. There were, of course, Jags, real ales and the ever-growing sense of an investigator out-of-step with the times in which he finds himself. The enigmatic last episode (<i>Exeunt</i>) was the perfect way to say farewell to Shaun Evans as the titular detective sergeant and to set Endeavour Morse on the road to the melancholy alcoholism and depression which characterised John Thaw's portrayal; but, not without the odd compellingly unanswered question, of course. As with previous series, all three of the final episodes contained little one-liners of foreshadowing for the two series to which this was a prequel (Morse mentioning to Fred Thursday that a murder victim, Andrew Lewis, has a cousin in Newcastle - a bright young police cadet called Robert). The climactic gathering of the cast for Jim Strange and Joanie's wedding was the best possible way to end a series that always deserved far greater critical acclaim than it ever received. But which, nevertheless, gave its huge audience exactly what they wanted. 'Each scene they share reminds us of what we'll be missing when Thursday and Morse finally part. But these episodes also close out their time and ours satisfactorily,' <a href="https://www.salon.com/2023/06/18/endeavour-pbs-final-season/">wrote</a> the <i>Salon</i> website. 'With close to perfect pitch, this very final <i>denouement </i>had you sitting ever more uncomfortably,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/03/12/endeavour-last-ever-episode-review-final-case-final-pint-fine/">added</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. As this blogger noted when putting the second series of <b>Endeavour</b> in his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2014/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">'Best Of' list for 2014</a>, Russell Lewis 'devised a powerful thriller with the grandeur of <b>The Shadow Line</b> or <b>State Of Play</b> ... <b>Endeavour</b> always feels contemporary despite the lack of smartphones and computers. Nevertheless, the series has managed to remain a period drama without ever coming across as anachronistic.' Sometimes, dear blog reader, we don't appreciate what we've got until it's gone. This blogger has a feeling that, much like both of its predecessors, in years to come people will look back on <b>Endeavour</b> as a genuine high-watermark in detective drama. <br />
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38. <b>Hijack</b> <br />
'Operation has commenced. The plane is under control.' Reanimating that long-dormant movie genre, the aeroplane hijacking thriller, almost on the back of Idris Elba's charisma alone, this Apple TV+ seven-parter was best embraced as high-adrenalin, high-altitude hokum rather than a gleaming slice of prestige telly. More <b>24</b> than <i>United 93</i>, if you will. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxwKzsklvJo"><b>Hijack</b></a> started strongly, introducing Elba's sharp-witted business negotiator on a Dubai to London flight as he subtly disrupted the power dynamics of the hijackers and their captives. And demonstrated an ability to keep the cortisol levels high as Neil Maskell's band of mysterious skyjackers slowly lost control of the situation. The overcrowded, underwritten ensemble of characters on the ground felt like discards from an episode of <i>From The North</i> favourite <b>[spooks]</b>, but the almost-in-real-time <b>24</b>-like device worked a treat, with fatigue-impaired judgments lending unpredictability to the on-board scenes. Switching viewpoints between the chaos erupting on the plane and those reacting on the ground, it was a compelling, pulse-racing story of criminal agendas and human foibles. <i>From The North</i> favourites Eve Myles, Max Beesley, Simon McBurney, Hattie Morahan, Holly Aird, Kevin Eldon and Julia Deakin cropped up at various points - either on the plane or off it. <b>Hijack</b> became the second Apple TV+ show - after <b>Ted Lasso</b> - to be listed on the Nielsen streaming rankings when it <a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/streaming-tv-rankings-july-31-aug-6-2023-1235579434/">received</a> three hundred and fifty seven million minutes of viewing time. 'Largely devoid of storytelling turbulence and benefitting greatly from its real-time pacing, <b>Hijack</b> is a glossy but effective thriller that achieves genuine lift-off,' <a href="https://www.rottentomatoes.com/tv/hijack">noted</a> <i>Rotten Tomatoes</i>, on especially pun-tastic form. 'The series is patently ridiculous,' <a href="https://www.theglobeandmail.com/arts/film/article-what-to-watch-august-10/">suggested</a> the <i>Globe & Mail</i> 'and features just a little too much time following characters on the ground (including Archie Panjabi's anti-terrorism agent) instead of those in the sky. But Elba can sell the silliest of premises with ease.' Like its title, <b>Hijack</b> 'gets to the point and zeroes in on the business at hand,' <a href="https://datebook.sfchronicle.com/movies-tv/entertainment-movie-tv-hijack-18170324">added</a> the <i>San Francisco Chronicle</i>. <b>Hijack</b> 'largely succeeds because it dances around clichés with finesse,' <a href="https://www.denofgeek.com/tv/hijack-review-idris-elba-does-his-best-gerard-butler/">said</a> the <i>Den Of Geek</i> website. Even the <i>Gruniad</i> whom, one suspected, disapproved of this on general principle on the grounds that travelling in aeroplanes kills baby seals (or something) <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/jun/28/hijack-review-idris-elba-makes-this-beautifully-daft-plane-thriller-soar">quite liked it</a>. <b>Hijack</b>, incidentally, is scriptwriter George Kay's third entry into this year's <i>From The North</i> 'Best Of' list (after <b>The Long Shadow</b> and <b>Litvinenko</b>).<br />
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39. <b>Best Interests</b> <br />
'<i>They</i> don't get to decide what to do. Promise me you will fight for her.' If you'd like to watch two of Britain's best actors absolutely obliterate your heart, dear blog reader, watch <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WLEPGK2hYg"><b>Best Interests</b></a>. Sharon Horgan and Michael Sheen are at the top of their game in Jack Thorne's four-part BBC series, following the devastating experience of parents whose child's health rapidly deteriorates. Set in Cheltenham, the series hinges on Nicci (Horgan) and Andrew (Sheen), whose daughter Marnie (Niamh Moriarty) has muscular dystrophy. From their other daughter Katie (Alison Oliver) to Marnie's doctor Samantha (Noma Dumezweni), <b>Best Interests</b>' brings complexity and humanity to the characters as they navigate the awful practicalities which lie ahead. Horgan - whose work, like Anna Maxwell Martin (see above) this blogger sometimes struggles to enjoy - gave one of the most touching performances of her career, as did <i>From The North </i>favourite Sheen, as the series kept one unimaginable question at its heart: When your child's illness reaches unfathomable depths, who decides what is 'best' for all concerned? 'Anchored by a raft of excellent performances, this is a powerful, moving story of the impossible decisions facing the parents of seriously ill children,' <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/best-interests-bbc-review-sharon-horgan-b2356359.html">said</a> the <i>Independent</i>. 'It's brutal, at times overwrought. But in the end, yes, there <i>is</i> a powerful and moving redemption that feels beautiful and true,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/06/12/best-interests-bbc-review-sharon-horgan-michael-sheen/">added</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. 'Creatively, it wasn't much, but emotionally it was, as people now say, a lot,' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/queen-of-oz-catherine-tate-review-l8z5635q2">whinged</a> some shit of no importance at <i>The Times</i>. Sometimes, dear blog reader, with television you have to do some of the emotional heavy lifting yourself to get the most out of the experience. <b>Best Interests</b> was one of those instances. <br />
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40. <b>The Woman In The Wall</b><br />
'I can't tell what's real any more.' A six-part BBC Gothic detective drama created by Joe Murtagh and starring <i>From The North</i> favourite Ruth Wilson and Daryl McCormack and made by Motive Pictures, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JxAIKRCuF8"><b>The Woman In The Wall</b></a> focused on the three fundamental M's; Murder, mystery and morality. It concerned one woman's traumatic past which threatened to expose Ireland's most shocking and darkest secrets. Lorna (Wilson) wakes up to find the dead body of a woman in her house. Lorna has a long history of trauma-based sleepwalking that stretches back to her time spent in Ireland's controversial Magdalene Laundries. 'The story at its heart is so strong ... that it carries you along and the rest begins to make sense. Of course it has the tone of a horror story, because that's exactly what this was,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/09/10/the-woman-in-the-wall-bbc-episode-4-review/">suggested</a> That Awful Singh Woman at the <i>Torygraph</i>. <i>The Times</i>' Carol Midgley <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-woman-in-the-wall-review-ruth-wilson-excelled-in-this-heartbreaking-finale-zrsjsq7vm">said</a> 'As an artful portrait of deep, complex, messy pain it was magnificent.' 'It seethes with anger' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/hugo-rifkind-on-tv-the-woman-in-the-wall-bbc-one-csqxlrd3c">added</a> her colleague Hugo Rifkind. Not unexpectedly, it got a right kicking in Ireland ('the most misconceived drama of the year' <a href="https://www.independent.ie/entertainment/television/tv-reviews/the-woman-in-the-wall-the-years-most-misconceived-drama-implodes-in-preposterous-finale/a704657206.html">according</a> to some shrill and wholly non-agenda-soaked nobody at the <i>Irish Independent</i>). The skill of the writing and direction (by Rachna Suri) was, as has been noted by several reviewers, light, with several almost comic touches deployed on this darkest of dark materials. The titular corpse was, it turned out, merely a MacGuffin to push viewers into the right direction for what followed. No bad thing as it turned out. <br />
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41. <b>Stonehouse</b><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">'Unfortunately, I have to go away!' Broadcast over three consecutive nights on ITV from 2 January, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDuB0giBBBM"><b>Stonehouse</b></a>, a slyly dark and witty enactment of a bizarre episode from 1970s British politics, was a camp and expertly-acted delight. The draw here was Matthew Macfayden, on loan from <b>Succession</b> and playing John Stonehouse, the Labour MP, ex-Postmaster General, unsuccessful businessman and, (alleged) Czech spy who faked his own death to avoid an espionage scandal and fled to Australia. Caught, extradited, convicted of fraud and given a seven stretch, Stonehoue lived out his final years in relative anonymity, wrote novels, occasionally appeared in public and died in 1988. Macfayden lined Stonehouse's shallow buffoonery with sociopathic cruelty, badly mistreating his wife, Barbara (Macfayden's wife and frequent co-star <i>From The North</i> favourite Keeley Hawes) and doubling down on his appalling behaviour along the way to near (but not quite) redemption by the conclusion. At just three episodes, this was high-minded, briskly effortless entertainment. <i>From The North</i> favourite Kevin McNally put in a lovely little turn as Harold Wilson, just about managing to play the role without resorting to Mike Yarwoodisms. 'A nimble portrait of a man who couldn’t comprehend the errors of his ways, even as he was pretending to apologise for them,' <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/culture/tv-and-radio/velma-mindy-kaling-s-scooby-doo-prequel-opens-with-gusto-20230113-p5ccbs.html">said</a> <i>The Australian</i>. 'Macfadyen is always enjoyable to watch, even if his showy take distracts from the more subtle performance of Keeley Hawes as Mrs Stonehouse. And the story of Stonehouse is, itself, a pleasantly victimless one,' <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/stonehouse-review-true-story-matthew-macfadyen-b2253468.html">added</a> the <i>Independent</i>. Pre-broadcast Stonehouse's daughter, Julia (who still refuses to accept much of the wrongdoing attributed to her father) <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/jul/24/john-stonehouse-fraud-scandal-labour-mp-tv-drama-faked-death">complained</a> about both this production and the contemporary Channel 4 documentary <b>The Spy Who Died Twice</b>. 'If the real Stonehouse was as his daughter believes, this show has done him a disservice. But if he was at all like the bumbling, empty, self-deceiving character it presents, farce is <i>all</i> he deserves,' <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/culture/tv-and-radio/matthew-macfadyen-is-the-spy-who-came-back-from-the-dead-in-bizarre-true-story-20230103-p5ca6a.html">considered</a> <i>The Age</i>. <b>Stonehouse</b> told its story with economy, wit and skill. History will be the judge on whether it got to its protagonist's remarkable, tragic <i>and</i> laughable behaviour right or not. <br />
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42. <b>1923</b> <br />
'You'd be Mrs Dutton?' 'I would.' As Taylor Sherdian's <b>Yellowstone</b> franchise continues to expand, fans have received the opportunity to meet a new generation of Duttons in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v88e9Dwnqo0">a prequel</a> dating back to the early stages of what would become the Great Depression. Premiering on 18 December 2022, on Paramount+, the series was a prequel to <b>Yellowstone</b> and serves as a sequel <b>1883</b>, with Isabel May reprising her role from the latter as the narrator, Elsa. Harrison Ford portrays Jacob Dutton, the head of the Yellowstone ranch alongside his wife, Cara (Helen Mirren). Like all the previous series, viewers get to witness them experience a number of trials and tribulations, including some that reflect how much the couple grows amid hard times in Montana. Also featuring <i>From The North</i> favourites Jerome Flynn, Timothy Dalton, Robert Patrick and Jennifer Ehle, the show was <a href="https://collider.com/1923-taylor-sheridan-budget-comments/">predicted</a> to cost between thirty and thirty five million dollars per episode. '<b>1923 </b>is brilliant,' <a href="https://www.smh.com.au/culture/tv-and-radio/yellowstone-spin-off-1923-is-a-sprawling-western-soap-with-true-grit-20221220-p5c7oc.html">wrote</a> the <i>Sydney Morning Herald</i>. 'Taylor Sheridan's writing is so taut it feels like the tension could snap at any moment and Ben Richardson's crisp and economic direction suits the weary, almost sullen mood.' Ford and Mirren 'have a comfortable chemistry as husband and wife and Mirren's character is an attractive blend of tough-as-old-boots, gun-toting cattle rancher and sympathetic matriarch,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/1923-review-forget-succession-let-helen-mirren-harrison-ford/">added</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. According to <a href="https://variety.com/2022/tv/news/1923-premiere-ratings-viewers-1235465951/">Paramount</a>, the debut episode brought in 7.4 million viewers in both linear and streaming telecasts, making it Paramount+'s biggest debut ever. There was little surprise, therefore, when in February <b>1923</b> was renewed for a second, eight episode, series.<br />
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43. <b>The Rig</b> <br />
'If you keep punching holes in the Earth eventually it's going to punch back!' Released in January, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKf09DckhmY"><b>The Rig</b></a> was not exactly John Carpenter's <i>The Fog</i>, perhaps, but there was plenty of it in David Macpherson's six-episode Prime Video series. Set entirely on the Kinloch Bravo oil rig in The North Sea, the series was a tense mystery survival thriller with a strong set-up and some properly nail-biting scenes. The titular rig's communications are on the blink and a power malfunction means the crew's return to land has been delayed, sparking unrest. But, they've got bigger problems, as a mysterious fog rolls in, engulfing the structure and leaving it stranded. As supplies dwindle, tensions rise among the crew and people start turning up dead, it becomes apparent there is something nasty in the mist and the drilled depths beneath the waves. Like an extreme workplace-based <i>Poseidon Adventure</i>, it was <i>deeply</i> compelling stuff. <b>The Rig</b>'s cast was strong too, from <b>Schitt's Creek</b>'s Emily Hampshire as Rose, the rep for the rig's overlord, Pictor Energy, to Iain Glen and Owen Teale, as practical rig boss Magnus and aggressive, mutinous head driller Hutton, respectively. There was also Mark Bonner, <b>Line Of Duty</b> <i>alumni</i> Martin Compston and Rochenda Sandall. Meanwhile Calvin Demba played the mysterious-as- shit crew member Baz, whose experience connects the practicalities of the rig's plight with something more sinister. 'Majestically engineered daftness - the best kind,' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/what-to-watch-netflix-bbc-sky-amazon-prime-video-uk-38qk8v925">claimed</a> <i>The Times</i>. 'High-purity binge nirvana from the Seventies school of schlock,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/rig-review-high-purity-binge-tv-nirvana-seventies-school-schlock/">added</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. 'It feels kind of like a <b>Doctor Who</b> ship-siege-episode, on the water. And scarier! Because, well, you know what happens when you stare too long into the abyss,' <a href="https://www.autostraddle.com/prime-videos-the-rig-has-doctor-who-vibes-and-a-scottish-butch-lesbian/">said</a> the <i>Autostraddle</i> website. The <i>Daily Mirra</i> <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-reviews/tense-eerie-claustrophobic-im-already-28898863">called</a> it 'utterly gripping.' A second series has, <a href="https://deadline.com/2023/02/the-rig-renewed-season-two-amazon-martin-compston-iain-glen-emily-hampshire-1235267590/">reportedly</a>, been commissioned. <br />
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44. <b>Champion</b> <br />
'Champion to the world. Winners only that's why they say I'm champion to your girl.' <i>Queenie</i> author Candice Carty-Williams created and wrote <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbJuRN-cE4w">this eight-part</a> BBC/Netflix drama, 'a love letter to Black British music set in South London,' according to the author. It followed rapper Bosco Champion (<b>Top Boy</b>'s Malcolm Kamulete), who has just got home from a spell in prison ready to rebuild his life and his career. Whilst he's re-establishing himself on the 'vibrant UK Grime scene' (no, me neither) with the hippin' and the hoppin' and the baseball-cap-on-backwards and that, his talented sister and manager, Vita (Déja J Bowens in her TV debut), is scouted by his rival, Bulla (Corey Weekes). Like a modern-day <i>Cinderella</i>, Vita sorts out Bosco's many problems with stage-fright, writes his songs and gets him out of the police station when he is arrested on his birthday, but she gets no credit for any of it. Tensions in the Champion family rise and the siblings find themselves at odds. The cast also included singer-songwriter Ray BLK, <b>Small Axe</b>'s Nadine Marshall, <b>His Dark Materials</b>' Ray Fearon, <b>Doctor Who</b>'s Jo Martin, Adeyinka Akinrinade, Genesis Lynea and many more. The <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> <a href="https://amp.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/jul/01/tv-tonight-champion-is-a-juicy-south-london-drama-about-sibling-rivalry">described</a> it as having 'sharp social observations' with 'an impressive soundtrack.' The <i>Torygraph</i> <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/07/01/champion-bbc-one-review-candice-carty-williams/">said</a> 'you'll be rooting for Vita from the start and Bowens is one to watch.' However, it argued that the drama would be better placed on the youf [sic] orientated BBC3 rather than BBC1. The <i>i</i> <a href="https://inews.co.uk/culture/television/champion-daisy-jones-six-mood-tv-soundtrack-seriously-2442754">compared</a> Vita's 'radio-friendly melodies' to Bosco's 'grime performances and clashes against other MCs' suggesting the result was 'authentic, varied and - crucially - a <i>really</i> good soundtrack.' Of course, predictably, the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/usshowbiz/article-12257271/Breathtaking-tales-courage-desperation-amid-fall-Kabul-weekends-TV.html">hated it</a> ('The soundtrack of grime music doesn't help, with its emphasis on violence and aggression. Nor do the social media messages popping up on screen') so, <i>that's</i> probably the best reason to watch <b>Champion</b> on principle. Though the <i>Financial Times</i> <a href="https://www.ft.com/content/0bf8e52d-1a50-480c-919a-0be95b18f594">criticised</a> the overly 'verbose' script they added that a scene 'in which Bosco trades rapid-fire bars of improvised insults with his arch-nemesis Bulla is as exhilarating as any action-movie fight sequence.' Sometimes, when the Beeb tries to get 'down wid da kidz' it comes across as a ridiculous, patronising vision <i>ala</i> <b>The Young Ones</b>' <i>Nozzin' Around</i> parody. But, happily, there are other occasions where they get it right. <i>This</i> was one of the latter. <br />
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45. <b>Without Sin</b><br />
'I didn't kill Maisie. I've been framed.' <i>From The North</i> favourite and 'Best Of' list regular Vicky McClure starred in this gripping crime thriller about a mother who is so desperate to find out the truth about her teenage daughter's death that she befriends the man who is currently banged up for her murder but who claims to be innocent of the crime (Johnny Harris). Frances Poletti's four-part drama was available on ITVX in the final few days of 2022 before being given a terrestrial slot on ITV in May. McClure was, rightly, nominated for a BAFTA for her effortlessly nuanced performance, described by more than one critic as an absorbing portrayal of grief and obsession. The <i>Gruniad</i> praised McClure's acting (as, admittedly, did just about everyone else) <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2022/dec/28/without-sin-review-vicky-mcclure-itvx-drama">describing</a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWcdT0Ogd0Y"><b>Without Sin</b></a> as 'a heavyweight thriller.' The <i>Torygraph</i> were <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2022/12/28/without-sin-review-vicky-mcclure-leaves-line-duty-behind-powerful/">effusive</a> about the ensemble cast and the evocative nature of the setting. Poletti, in her debut series, pulled-off 'the extraordinary feat of coming up with - and landing - a labyrinthine plot while maintaining tension throughout' <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/culture/tvfilm/without-sin-on-itvx-review-vicky-mcclure-b1048879.html">added</a> the <i>Evening Standard</i>. This would appear to be all the evidence needed to <i>From The North</i> ... whatever the opposite of favourite is, Jimmy McGovern, that not every story about prison life, necessarily, needs to include offering an obligatory cyanide pill to the collective audience at the end of the final episode. <br />
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46. <b>The Fake Sheikh</b><br />
'It was so unbelievable it was believable.' Ceri Isfryn and Alexandra Lacey's three-part Amazon Prime <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NHymUgEYhA&list=PLArcnzmt9veNIxGda5Fsqfs9fgzZxvLpa">documentary series</a> on Mazher Mahmood, the tabloid journalist who was <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-37727631">convicted</a> of conspiracy to pervert the course of justice arrived in September. Before his conviction, Mahmood worked for twenty years for the <i>Scum of the World</i> and, after that disgraced and disgraceful <i>cancer</i> of a newspaper was closed in shame and ignominy, <i>The Sunday Times</i>. Mahmood became known popularly as the fake sheikh because he often posed as Arab royalty during the course of his slimy doings. In addition to numerous alleged 'public-interest investigations', he attracted allegations of law breaking without any clear public-interest justification, including several cases in which he was <a href="https://www.lccsa.org.uk/r-v-john-james-shannon-aka-john-james-alford-2000/">accused of entrapment</a>. 'Like Frank Zappa's Sheikh Yerbouti, Mazher Mahmood's appropriation of Arabic dress leaves a nasty aftertaste,' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/sep/26/the-fake-sheikh-review-how-did-so-many-celebrities-fall-for-a-man-with-one-costume-change">suggested</a> the <i>Gruniad</i>. 'But how did this chancer with only one costume change manage to serially dupe his victims? ... Perhaps the saddest truth revealed by this film is not that a vainglorious celebrity and their reputation are easily separated. Rather it's that dressing-up journalism is over.' <b>The Fake Sheikh</b> 'could have played all of this with a nod and a wink, or for maximum scorn. Instead, it shoots straight down the middle, a fair approach that results in a pretty bland product,' <a href="https://www.rollingstone.com/tv-movies/tv-movie-reviews/the-fake-sheikh-mahzer-mahmood-rupert-murdoch-tabloid-prime-video-1234830690/">whinged</a> someone at <i>Rolling Stain</i>. Following his release from The Joint in 2016, Mahmood has, <a href="https://www.goodto.com/entertainment/where-is-mazher-mahmood-now-the-fake-sheikh-prime-video">reportedly</a>, found himself unemployable. And, we're supposed to, what, feel <i>sorry</i> for him? <br />
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47. <b>Romantic Getaway</b><br />
'Ideally, I don't want to raise our baby in prison. Although, I <i>do</i> think some babies look cute in orange!' Made for Sky and starring Katherine Ryan and Romesh Ranganathan (who also co-created the comedy with Ben Green), <b>Romantic Getaway</b> initially threatened to suffer the fate of many recent British comedy series in that most of the best jokes appeared in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQfTvd6e1jg">the trailer</a>. <i>Never</i> a good sign. And then something quite surprising happened; <b>Romantic Getaway</b> <i>got funny</i>. Yes, Keith Telly Topping was surprised too. Perhaps this blogger shouldn't have been so quick to prejudge. <i>From The North</i> favourite Ryan is <i>always</i> a delightfully amusing screen presence and, if you can keep Ranganathan away from formats that do him no favours, retired ex-footballers and Bloody Jack Bloody Whitehall, he's usually watchable when he does 'frantic and bewildered'. Allison and Deacon are a couple who are desperate for a baby, but they have run out of money to complete more <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/news/long_reads/ivf-pregnancy-infertility-romantic-getaway-b2243514.html">IVF treatment</a>. They discover their wealthy boss (<i>From The North</i> favourite Johnny Vegas) is illegally skimming funds from the company, so they decide he can afford it if they 'borrow' fifty grand from his account. When Deacon accidentally adds an extra nought to the transfer and steals half-a-million notes, the pair kick-off a downward spiral into the criminal underworld of suburban Britain. 'Once it gets the scene-setting out of the way and establishes that they are sort-of-good people doing a bad thing for the right reasons, it starts to find its feet. As the tension rises, so too does the daftness. It is best when it is silliest and Vegas, Ranganathan and Ryan make a surprisingly killer trio,' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/jan/01/romantic-getaway-review-katherine-ryan-and-romesh-ranganathan-are-brilliant-in-ivf-heist-caper">said</a> the <i>Gruniad</i>. 'It's all highly implausible but fast-paced fun, thanks largely to the chemistry between the mopey Ranganathan and manic Ryan,' <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/culture/tv-and-radio/is-romantic-getaway-the-world-s-first-ivf-heist-comedy-20230207-p5cil6.html">suggested</a> <i>The Age</i>. Conversely, the <i>Evening Standard</i> <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/culture/tvfilm/romantic-getaway-sky-review-katherine-ryan-romesh-ranganathan-ivf-heist-comedy-b1048399.html">glowered disapprovingly</a> 'despite its likeable cast and promising premise, <b>Romantic Getaway</b> lacks spark and finesse. Every thought process is laboriously explained, every convenient plot detail shoehorned in.' And the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-11576381/Romesh-Ranganathan-jokes-working-Katherine-Ryan-new-series-Romantic-Getaway.html">reported on it</a> just like someone pulling a face because they've smelled shit nearby. This blogger, for what it's worth, thought it was pretty good and given the very low expectations he had going in, he's taking <i>that</i> as a win. <br />
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48. <b>Gregg Wallace: The British Miracle Meat</b><br />
'And <i>this</i> is where the magic happens!' A satirical documentary, written by Matt Edmonds, presented by <b>MasterChef</b>'s Gregg Wallace and Michelle Ackerley, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRVco5nshGQ"><b>The Great British Miracle Meat</b></a> was first broadcast in July on Channel 4. It depicted the development in food technology by which a British industry produced a large amount of genetically engineered 'human meat.' It was later revealed to be an, if you will, 'mockumentary' <a href="https://www.bbc.com/culture/article/20230727-the-hoax-documentary-about-human-flesh-eating-that-shocked-the-uk">based</a> on the satirical essay, <i>A Modest Proposal</i>, by Jonathan Swift in 1729 which urged poor Irish families to sell their children to the rich as food. The <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/jul/26/british-miracle-meat-story-behind-one-best-hoaxes-tv-history">said</a> it was 'one of the best hoaxes in media history' and, as the <i>Observer</i>'s Barbara Ellen <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/jul/30/the-week-in-television-gregg-wallace-the-british-miracle-meat-review-reframed-marilyn-monroe-dreaming-whilst-black-special-ops-lioness">described it</a>: 'a socio-political mockumentary, a straight-faced, grimly cannibalistic satire on the cost of living crisis.' <i>The Conversation</i> <a href="https://theconversation.com/channel-4s-shocking-gregg-wallace-the-british-miracle-meat-owes-much-to-swift-and-his-gruesome-satire-210599">added</a>: 'It succeeded in generating the heat because it tapped into the anger and passion that people feel about the current state of affairs. It was <i>savage</i> satire.' Of course, whenever television traditionally tries something fourth-wall breaking such as this, crass hysteria usually follows swiftly behind from the right-wing press. Take the mostly media-created 'controversy' surrounding 1992's <b>Ghostwatch</b>, for example. Or, questions being asked in Parliament about <b>Brass Eye</b>'s <i>Cake</i> episode in 1997. That Awful Singh Woman of the <i>Torygraph</i> was <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/07/24/gregg-wallace-the-british-miracle-meat-channel-4-review/">atypical of The Knockers</a>: 'It would have worked far better as an advert for vegetarianism. Instead it played out like a <i>Black Mirror</i> episode stripped of cleverness and subtlety.' And, predictably, the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> completely <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12331757/Bizarre-Channel-4-mockumentary-features-Gregg-Wallace-Michel-Roux-Jr-tucking-steaks-HUMANS-dystopian-commentary-cost-living-crisis.html">lost its shit</a>, managing to stretch the manufactured controversy out across several days by <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12338893/TV-chef-Gregg-Wallace-responds-backlash-new-Channel-4-spoof-documentary-cannibalism-social-media-users-blasted-disgusting-satire-eating-human-meat.html">scouring social media for wholly-contrived 'outrage'</a> (and, inevitably, finding some). Neil Armstrong on <i>BBC Culture</i> also <a href="https://www.bbc.com/culture/article/20230727-the-hoax-documentary-about-human-flesh-eating-that-shocked-the-uk">noted</a> that a couple of gobshite members of Parliament 'condemned it and some who watched insisted that, even as satire, it had been - forgive the pun - in poor taste.' The <i>Evening Standard</i> was also <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/culture/tvfilm/gregg-wallace-the-british-meat-miracle-channel-4-b1096645.html">critical</a>: 'Just as I was about to ring family living up North [as Wallace's team would like to taste people from the region] and tell them to lock all doors or shoot Wallace on sight (to be honest, some are already prepared for the latter) the "mockumentary" lost its satirical power.' Perhaps, this latter point exposed the main issue some viewers had with the programme - bombastic political dogma aside. That nice Mister Baldy Gregg Wallace off <b>MasterChef</b>, <i>he'd</i> never lie to us, surely? Presumably, said by people who didn't see him claiming to toast bread with a heated fish-slice on <b>Would I Lie To You?</b> If nothing else, the programme was proof of an age-old TV truism; that if you try to show some people a point without hitting them, hard, on the head with a blunt object, chances are they'll <i>miss</i> it. As the <i>Independent</i> <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/features/gregg-wallace-british-miracle-meat-human-b2381557.html">said</a>, this was a 'sledgehammer satire for a nation on its knees.' Maybe that's exactly what Britain in 2023 needs - again, whether it wants, or even <i>deserves</i>, it or not. <br />
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49. <b>Archie</b><br />
'Cary Grant is a character. I have to be very careful about how he is perceived.' The life of Hollywood legend <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5p_gdfoE9c">Cary Grant</a> was depicted in ITV's four-part biopic, by award-winning screenwriter Jeff Pope and starring <i>From The North</i> favourite Hello To Jason Isaacs in the title role. Who was, of course, <i>superb</i> in it - but then, you'd expect nothing less from Hello To Jason. Kara Tointon, Harriet Walter, Jason Watkins, Calam Lynch and Laura Aikman also featured. Pope's scripts revealed how deceit, cruelty and one, overpowering, lie shaped young Archie Leech's life. At fourteen he auditioned for the music hall act, the Bob Pender Troupe - a band of acrobats, clowns and comedians - after seeing them perform at the Bristol Hippodrome. Lean and athletic, he learned the art of stilt-walking and, when the troupe went on tour to the US, teenage Archie was intoxicated by this land of opportunity. Believing he was unwanted by his family, he decided to stay in America to try to make his fortune in showbusiness. A chance meeting with the comedian George Burns helped him take a first step on the acting ladder and a contract with a movie studio who, of course, felt he needed to change his name. The drama intercut with scenes from 1961, Grant at the height of his fame having just made <i>North By Northwest</i> (Ian McNeice is terrific as a bullish Alfred Hitchcock) and living in Benedict Canyon, breaking box office records, but desperately unhappy in his private life. With two failed marriages behind him, he began to woo the actress Dyan Cannon. Thirty-three years his junior, Dyan, didn't initially fall for his charms because she didn't feel they could ever be a match. Dashingly handsome, suave and sophisticated, Cary continued to pursue her, with introductions to his famous friends, until they eventually wed in Las Vegas in 1965. And then, it all went, <i>horribly</i>, wrong. 'The script ... aims to reflect contemporary concerns about any imbalances between age and power in showbiz relationships,' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/nov/13/cary-grants-hollywoods-archibald-leach-mother-archie">wrote</a> the <i>Gruniad</i>'s Mark Lawson. <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/archie-review-jason-isaacs-is-splendid-as-cary-grant-f0jc955cd"><i>The Times</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/nov/23/archie-review-jason-isaacs-is-every-bit-as-smooth-as-cary-grant"><i>Gruniad</i></a> and the <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/culture/tvfilm/archie-itvx-review-jason-isaacs-cary-grant-dyan-cannon-b1122634.html"><i>Standard</i></a> were among many reviewers who praised Hello To Jason's performance. Made in co-operation with Cannon and Grant's daughter, Jennifer, who were executive producers, the series arrived on ITVX on 23 November. <br />
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50. <b>A Town Called Malice</b><br />
'If you want to be a Lord, you've got to dance like a Lord!' Set in the 1980s, <i>Football Factory</i> director Nick Love's eight-part thriller focused on the Lord family. They are a decade past their criminal heydays, but that doesn't mean they do not feel nostalgic for it. Gene (Jack Rowen), the youngest, feels overlooked and neglected by his family who fail to recognise his intelligence and killer instincts. After narrowly surviving a gangland battle, Gene and his fiancée, Cindy (Tahirah Sharif) flee to the Costa del Sol, to evade arrest and find themselves embroiled in the local underworld, desperately trying to avoid trouble. Things heat up even further when the rest of the Lords join them in Spain and try to reclaim their halcyon days as criminal top dogs. With good performances from Jason Flemyng, Martha Plimpton and Dougray Scott, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzMhseWBNz0">the series</a> premiered on Sky Max in March although, seemingly, the ratings did not meet expectations and it was cancelled the following month in what <i>Deadline</i> <a href="https://deadline.com/2023/04/a-town-called-malice-canceled-sky-1235340656/">described</a> as a 'surprise move.' Certainly, the series was never in danger of reinventing the wheel, relying on tropes that Sky had previously essayed in 2009's <b>The Take</b> and, more recently, <b>Gangs Of London</b>, something the <i>Gruniad</i>, for one, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/mar/16/a-town-called-malice-review-you-dont-get-more-1980s-than-this-bloody-drama">picked up on</a> (and, frankly, sneered at). 'Is it <b>Peaky Blinders</b> but fifty years on with cockney accents? Is it <b>Gangs Of London</b> but fifty years ago with sunshine? Is it <b>McMafia</b> but worth watching? The answer is yes. Sky's new drama series <b>A Town Called Malice</b> is, fairly unabashedly, a little bit of every crime family thriller of the past few years, this time set - completely unabashedly - in the 1980s. I mean, goodness, is it the 80s? The show and each of the eight episodes is named after an 80s pop hit ... and almost every scene is accompanied by one of the era's other big chart tunes.' The <i>Independent</i> <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/a-town-called-malice-review-b2301284.html">suggested</a>: 'It is admirably unrestrained in a genre where restraint has been all the rage. It's just a shame, then, that its vivacious styling couldn't be matched by a smarter script.' 'It's <i>Bonnie & Clyde</i> in Fila knitwear soundtracked by <i>Now That's What I Call Music</i>. But not necessarily in a good way,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/03/15/town-called-malice-sky-max-review-wallow-1980s-nostalgia-costa/">scoffed</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. '<b>Malice</b> might be a little too flippant for some crime drama fans, but it offers fast-paced, albeit violent, fun. Particularly for those of a certain vintage,' <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/stuff-to-watch/300835448/a-town-called-malice-neons-lurid-flavourful-somewhat-fruity-80s-crimethriller-cocktail">argued</a> the <i>Stuff</i> website concluding that the series was a 'lurid, flavourful, somewhat fruity eighties crime-thriller cocktail.' The latter being a pretty accurate summation and, frankly, not a bad thing at all.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUEr-fE3IbgxkLfB2sJgmUREuqgzgLwIq08Ktndy5-NqOW_X0DbSyQAayzW6zVWMteSsBRirq26F3sJ4I0DrNuE33QwceBPyzYIXqcOxrIxegdg_5N1oM6pC1rN-9uR3x-jmvKRxzxk6XLwZA8WVgYBTAm6nfMDFbGeQJ1Umhyphenhyphenshhb0MW3rg/s799/ATownCalledMalice_FL_01.jpeg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="541" data-original-width="799" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUEr-fE3IbgxkLfB2sJgmUREuqgzgLwIq08Ktndy5-NqOW_X0DbSyQAayzW6zVWMteSsBRirq26F3sJ4I0DrNuE33QwceBPyzYIXqcOxrIxegdg_5N1oM6pC1rN-9uR3x-jmvKRxzxk6XLwZA8WVgYBTAm6nfMDFbGeQJ1Umhyphenhyphenshhb0MW3rg/s320/ATownCalledMalice_FL_01.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
51. <b>Super League: The War For Football</b><br />
'This vast inequality has been growing for ten years; the rich getting richer, running away from the rest leaving them with crumbs.' In April 2021, twelve of the biggest football clubs in Europe (six of them - Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur - from England) got their odious greed <i>right on</i> and announced that they were, if you will, taking their ball and going off to play with it on their own. Not satisfied with having forced through 'Financial Fair Play', the worst-named conceit in sporting history which had, effectively, erected a big wall around themselves and placed a sign saying 'This Is <i>Our</i> Club, You Can't Come In' to everyone else who kicks a ball around for fun and profit, now they were <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e35AQK014tI">doing a Bender</a> from <b>Futurama</b>. Creating their own theme-park. With blackjack and hookers. That was when the shit really <i>did</i> hit the fans. The ineptitude of the conspiracy between the twelve was matched, only, by the sheer <i>banal</i> rationale for them doing so ('more money for us'). It was like the NWA in <i>Hot Fuzz</i> without the jokes. Satisfyingly, the proposed 'European Super League' imploded within days as one after another of the majority of the clubs involved found themselves not only castigated by the media, politicians, broadcasters and football supporters in general but, more importantly, their own customers. You know, those annoying 'little people' who actually go to games, buy the club's grossly-overpriced merchandise and take out satellite TV subscriptions and, in doing so, pay the - obscenely-inflated - wages of the players. (Real Madrid and Barçelona, alarmingly, are <i>still</i> <a href="https://www.espn.co.uk/football/story/_/id/37807242/juventus-discuss-super-league-exit-barcelona-madrid">fighting their case</a> through various courts to this day.) Connor Schell and Jeff Zimbalist's four-part Apple TV <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1suZTE3W2k">documentary</a> exposed the full, staggering hubris and folly behind the enterprise. '<b>The War For Football</b> does a good job of making graspable sense out of a labyrinthine tale and one in which not every narrator is reliable,' <a href="https://www.wsj.com/articles/super-league-the-war-for-football-review-apple-tv-documentary-soccer-world-cup-11673567901">claimed</a> the <i>Wall Street Journal</i>. 'While it does serve as a primer in parts for American audiences less familiar with European football, this docuseries is a comprehensive examination of the tradition-breaking announcement,' <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/culture/tv-and-radio/velma-mindy-kaling-s-scooby-doo-prequel-opens-with-gusto-20230113-p5ccbs.html">added</a> <i>The Age</i>. 'Informative, dramatic and tense,' <a href="https://www.commonsensemedia.org/tv-reviews/super-league-the-war-for-football">suggested</a> the <i>Common Sense Media</i> website, whilst the series 'details big egos and an even bigger sordid cash grab,' <a href="https://www.cultofmac.com/801385/super-league-the-war-for-football-apple-tv-review/">said</a> the <i>Cult Of Mac</i>. In fact, since their crass attempt to be the girls with the most cake, two of those involved - Chelsea and Manchester United - have endured an often <i>miserable</i> time on <i>and</i> off the field whilst both Liverpool and Spurs also had poor seasons last year by their own high standards, though they're doing better of late. And Chelsea and Manchester City, it would seem, both have <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/football/2023/nov/17/premier-league-financial-fair-play-everton-manchester-city-chelsea">a bit of explaining to do</a> with regard to at least some of their financial dealings. Meanwhile, Aston Villa and this blogger's beloved (and now, thankfully <i>sold</i>) Newcastle United have emerged as genuine rivals for a place at The Big Boys Table. As the legendary German coach Sepp Herberger once noted, there is only a single universal constant in football - that 'the ball is round.' <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR4_XmNgOtTPiBbny5KBjlSIjCj-VPwSWEZpSl8t5HWQzxhN4ZSks5R3rjdGDTGA1ZKrjajC_ZkF3fgWol697cAIrdtiq-Q0v3GMj4OSmdkSaah_QVppcb4UKNUEb8-vnassse8uqQYxI8LKgkq-fghjaoxcyShiTYcJB12oIgncIyf6vbCA/s799/51.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="419" data-original-width="799" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR4_XmNgOtTPiBbny5KBjlSIjCj-VPwSWEZpSl8t5HWQzxhN4ZSks5R3rjdGDTGA1ZKrjajC_ZkF3fgWol697cAIrdtiq-Q0v3GMj4OSmdkSaah_QVppcb4UKNUEb8-vnassse8uqQYxI8LKgkq-fghjaoxcyShiTYcJB12oIgncIyf6vbCA/s320/51.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
52. <b>The Fall Of The House Of Usher</b> <br />
'If anyone comes after us, we will exhaust our arsenal until the threat is neutralised.' If you tweak modern-day capitalism a mere notch or two, you get a deadpan socio-political satire like <b>Succession</b> (see above). However, if you keep turning that dial till it squeals for mercy, a gloriously extravagant kind of urban horror ensues. Congratulations, therefore, to Netflix's master of the macabre Mike Flanagan for spotting the potential for <i>Grand Guignol</i> in fusing Edgar Allan Poe's Gothic macabre with a <b>Succession</b>-esque story of the cursed, Richard Sackler-like billionaire (Bruce Greenwood, being <i>brilliantly</i> odious). Who, in an effective framing device, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvuAWVzP6wI">relays the dark fates of his offspring</a> to a lawyer (Carl Lumbly) that has been fighting to bring the Usher empire down. Loosely based on various works by Poe, the series adapts otherwise-unrelated stories and characters into a single, non-linear, narrative covering the years between 1953 and 2023. It recounts both the rise to power of Roderick Usher, powerful CEO of a corrupt pharmaceutical company, his sister Madeline and the events leading to the deaths of all six of Roderick's children. Played, variously, by Kate Whiddington, Lulu Wilson, <i>From The North</i> favourite Mary McDonnell and Willa Fitzgerald, Madeline is the family's resident genius and the true power behind the throne. Flanagan's partner, Kate Siegel, was also great as Camille L'Espanaye, one of Roderick's doomed illegitimate children and Annabeth Gish turned up as Eliza, Roderick and Madeline's religious zealot of a mother. After a great start, the series teetered on the verge of going completely over-the-top via a hysterically deranged adaptation of <i>The Masque Of The Red Death</i>. But then, it recovered in the middle episodes before ending, inevitably, upon a midnight, dreary, with <i>The Raven</i>. The series had a long - and, at times troubled - route to screen with original lead Frank Langella <a href="https://deadline.com/2022/04/frank-langella-fired-the-fall-of-the-house-of-usher-misconduct-investigation-netflix-1235001883/">replaced</a> due to alleged misconduct on-set. <i>IndieWire</i> <a href="https://www.indiewire.com/criticism/shows/fall-of-house-of-usher-review-netflix-series-1234913063/">suggested</a> 'as the absurdly wealthy destroy our only planet, our innocent pleasures and our very lives, even a blunt, overextended allegory can deliver visceral satisfactions. Arguing billionaires should not exist has rarely felt so Biblical.' The <i>San Francisco Chronicle</i> <a href="https://datebook.sfchronicle.com/movies-tv/fall-of-the-house-of-usher-netflix-18415192">added</a>: 'The tonal difference between the books and the series? The makers of <b>The Fall Of The House Of Usher</b> are having <i>way</i> more fun.' Another 'masterful' series from Flanagan, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBYkwlLMJ6w&feature=youtu.be">claimed</a> <i>Collider Video</i>. 'An expertly-crafted combination of Poe-penned stories brought to screen via a slew of deliciously diabolical performances.' Poe's narratives and Gothic conventions 'provide the skeleton of the show, but Flanagan also pulls out the urgent themes of those works: conscience and the unconscious, greed and paranoia, sex and death,' <a href="https://www.ft.com/content/c9cfe3d6-0c41-4336-a7b7-d417a3f38dd2">noted</a> <i>The Financial Times</i>. <i>From The North</i> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv1bUPDox8o">favourite</a> Mark Kermode described it as 'flawed but ambitious' and 'enjoyable' whilst comparing it to <b>Tales Of The Unexpected</b>. Like Flanagan's previous <b>Midnight Mass</b> (included in <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2021/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2021</a>'s <i>From The North</i> 'Best Of' list) this was a treat for genre fans. Sometimes operatic, sometimes locating moments of genuine pathos amid the bloodshed, it was nicely played by a great ensemble that even threw in Mark Hamill as the family's sinister fixer. Depressingly, it is probably the closest that we will get to witnessing the people behind America's current OxyContin epidemic get their comeuppance - but it will have to do for the time being. The series was viewed six million times during its debut week, making it the most-watched English-language fiction programme on Netflix that week and third most-watched overall after the French-language series <b>Lupin</b> and the <i>hagiography</i> <b>Beckham</b>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixl9p8ANvr_en9IH1UQN18-aU5iwr0ndH7rCLezwqyQkehYibAcoPvyHdZv1teM1v2-p-dg5ImugzewxINgMZXNOIebdUm2IkgFXKPf2_kZYkyf3SgobdNNxPQ38pkjHyHQoZGQt2uZNzhfFLwEwajiLKC4uDfASffqlUYY8pmf_R87Grxog/s799/Screen%20Capture%20147.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="489" data-original-width="799" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixl9p8ANvr_en9IH1UQN18-aU5iwr0ndH7rCLezwqyQkehYibAcoPvyHdZv1teM1v2-p-dg5ImugzewxINgMZXNOIebdUm2IkgFXKPf2_kZYkyf3SgobdNNxPQ38pkjHyHQoZGQt2uZNzhfFLwEwajiLKC4uDfASffqlUYY8pmf_R87Grxog/s320/Screen%20Capture%20147.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
53. <b>The Burning Girls</b> <br />
'Your arrival is a fresh start, a chance to lay some ghosts to rest.' 'Everything you could possibly want from a pre-Halloween frightfest,' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/oct/19/the-burning-girls-review-everything-you-could-possibly-want-from-a-pre-halloween-frightfest">according</a> to the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RM_8ra471Y"><b>The Burning Girls</b></a>, released in October, was a six-part thriller based on the novel by CJ Tudor, adapted by Hans Rosenfeldt and Camilla Ahlgren. Developed by Buccaneer Media for Paramount+, it starred <i>From The North</i> favourite Samantha Morton and Ruby Stokes as a Reverend and her daughter who arrive in the village of Chapel Croft looking for a new start following a sudden loss. However, the sleepy village has, of course, dark secrets. You saw <i>that </i>coming, yes? Also featuring the likes of Rupert Graves, Jane Lapotaire and David Dawson, the series' got a <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-burning-girls-review-paramount-2bwgxntqj">positive review</a> from <i>The Times</i>: 'It's a lot and the outcome is a bit more pulpy than you might have expected for a Samantha Morton drama. Still, we're in the Halloween silly season and <b>The Burning Girls</b> is no less addictive for all that.' A strange and often disturbing psychological chiller with shades of the kind of folk horror that <i>The Wicker Man</i> epitomises - something the <i>Torygraph</i>'s <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/10/19/the-burning-girls-paramount-review-samantha-morton/">review</a> highlighted: 'It's <b>The Vicar Of Dibley</b> meets <i>The Wicker Man</i> (in Sussex)' - <b>The Burning Girls</b> appealed to this blogger's love of big drama in small situations. 'A fantastic adaption of a great novel, one that has been crying out for from a genre often neglected by television and film alike,' <a href="https://www.liverpoolsoundandvision.co.uk/2023/10/22/the-burning-girls-television-drama-review/">according</a> to <i>Liverpool Sound & Vision</i>. '[It] offers an eerie folk horror vibe that will get viewers well and truly in the mood for spooky season,' <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/staying-in/what-s-on-tv/paramount-burning-girls-cast-plot-31275608">added</a> the <i>Mirra</i> whilst the <i>Future Of The Force</i> website <a href="https://thefutureoftheforce.com/2023/10/19/tv-review-the-burning-girls-paramount/">called it</a> 'quite simply superb.' As with all the other fifty two entries on <i>From The North</i>'s 2023 'Best Of' list, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping thought it was <i>great</i>. <br />
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<br />
Also Mentioned In Dispatches: <br />
<b>Match Of The Day</b>, <b>Christmas Carole</b>, <b>The Traitors</b>, <b>Predators</b>, <b>Spector</b>, <b>Hancock: Very Nearly An Armful</b>, <b>Vera</b>, <b>The Light In The Hall</b>, <b>Consent</b>, <b>Doom Patrol</b>, <b> The MI5 Spy & The IRA: Operation Chiffon</b>, <b>Ghislaine Maxwell: Partner In Crime</b>, <b>Funny Woman</b>, <b>India: The Modi Question</b>, <b>Wor Geet Canny Robson Green's Weekend Escapes</b>, <b>Jason & Clara: In Memory Of Maude</b>, <b>The Witch Hunts: Lucy Worsley Investigates</b>, <b>A Year On Planet Earth</b>, <b>Ten Pound Poms</b>, <b>We Are Newcastle United</b>, <b>Unforgotten</b>, <b>We Need to Talk About Cosby</b>, <b>Phoenix Rise</b>, <b>Consent</b>, <b>The Power</b>, <b>Six-Four</b>, <b>The Hunt For Raoul Moat</b>, <b>There She Goes</b>, <b>Blackadder: The Lost Pilot</b>, <b>Rain Dogs</b>, <b>The Chemistry Of Death</b>, <b>Colin From Accounts</b>, <b>Steeltown Murders</b>, <b>Guilt</b>, <b>The Lost Flowers Of Alice Hart</b>, <b>Spy In The Ocean</b>, <b>Daisy Jones & The Six</b>, <b>Star Trek: Picard</b>, <b>U-Boat Wargamers</b>, <b>Would I Lie To You?</b>, <b>Only Murders In The Building</b>, <b>The Good Mothers</b>, <b>World On Fire</b>, <b>Tom Jones</b>, <b>Count Abdulla</b>, <b>Wild Isles</b>, <b>What We Do In The Shadows</b>, <b>Am I Being Unreasonable?</b>, <b>Union With David Olusoga</b>, <b>Changing Ends</b>, <b>Minx</b>, <b>Better</b>, <b>Red Rose</b>, <b>Then You Run</b>, <b>MH370: The Plane That Disappeared</b>, <b>Everywhere Else Burns</b>, <b>Who Is Erin Carter?</b>, <b>Maryland</b>, <b>The Lovers</b>, <b>Coleen Rooney: The Real Wagatha Story</b>, <b>Dreaming Whilst Black</b>, <b>The Witcher</b>, <b>Once Upon A Time In Northern Ireland</b>, <b>Black Mirror</b>, <b>Becoming Elizabeth</b>, <b>The Inheritance</b>, <b>The Killing Kind</b>, <b>The Following Events Are Based On A Pack Of Lies</b>, <b>Bodies</b>, <b>Partygate</b>, <b>Three Little Birds</b>, <b>Boiling Point</b>, <b>The Gathering</b>, <b>Scary Tales From New York</b>, <b>Only Connect</b>, <b>Planet Earth III</b>, <b>Unbelievable</b>, <b>When Blondie Came To Britain</b>, <b>Shetland</b>, <b>One Night</b>, <b>The Daleks In Colour</b>. <br />
<br />
<i>From The North</i>'s TV Advert Of The Year - <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0Ohcw2toaI"><b>Rustlers Burgers Little Red Riding Hood Commercial</b></a>.<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">Because it remains, several months after its first appearance, very <i>very funny</i>. And, because it uses Michelle Thomas's 'Till I Met You' as its soundtrack. The burgers themselves are actually quite edible too, so <i>that's</i> a bonus! <br />
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<br />
Followed by Thirty Five Programmes, All Of Which Were Neither Use Nor Bloody Ornament - <br />
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1. <b>The Idol</b><br />
'You're the American dream, rags-to-riches.' The worst TV show of 2023, by <i>miles</i>, was HBO's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVYUKxF0wMc"><b>The Idol</b></a>, widely deemed to be shockingly awful and inept before it was even broadcast. But, one which proved by almost every metric imaginable to be a hundred times more of a disaster than anyone was expecting. Created by <b>Euphoria</b>'s Sam Levinson and Abel Tesfaye of The Weeknd [sic], <b>The Idol</b> followed Lily Rose-Depp's pop-star, Jocelyn, as she tries to make it big alongside her cult-leader mentor. Visually uninteresting and populated by some of the worst, most fake-sounding dialogue you will <i>ever</i> hear on television, <b>The Idol</b> wanted to be a big-budget whip-smart satire of Hollywood and celebrity manipulation. Instead, it crashed and burned under its shock-and-awe visuals, truly grotesque scenes featuring The Sex, blatant and crass sexism (claiming to be exposing the exploitation of the industry by <i>being</i> exploitative yourself wasn't, perhaps, the cleverest of moves) and melodramatic performances. It may have been released to a media firestorm over its controversial subject-matter but, rest assured, it was <i>far</i> worse than you're probably imagining. There was confusion over what exactly <b>The Idol</b> was supposed to be, it seemed to be several different shows masquerading as one. Was it an erotic drama exploring the power dynamic in an S&M relationship (full of rather tasteless hurt/comfort sequences)? Was it a broad satire on the absurd nature of the music industry? Neither, really, it was just <i>rubbish</i>. Moist rubbish at that. It was also subject to <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-66096183">some of the worst reviews</a> for any show in living memory. This blogger, for what it's worth, hasn't been quite so impotently angry and disappointed by a TV show since <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2018/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">the final episode of <b>The X-Files</b></a>. If you missed <b>The Idol</b>, dear blog reader, consider yourself to have had one Hell of lucky escape. If you want to seek it out to see if it was as bad as this blogger is claiming, don't. Just <i>don't</i>. Trust Keith Telly Topping on that score. <br />
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2. <b>This Morning</b> <br />
The TV programme that accounted for the most media coverage afforded to <i>any</i> show in Britain in 2023 wasn't a classy costume drama, a soap opera, a popular, long-running family SF drama, the broadcast of a major sporting or political event or even, for once, something featuring Jeremy Clarkson. Instead, it was a harrowingly mundane, ITV daytime magazine show which features a strange variety of news, showbusiness gossip, lifestyle, fashion and beauty, live phone-ins and cash competitions. And, which has been running since 1988 with a variety of presenters. There were points during the year where, quite literally, it was impossible to pick up a newspaper - tabloid, broadsheet or, in the case of the <i>Metro</i>, not a <i>real</i> newspaper - and not find at least a page or two devoted to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dIdfmE6nH4"><b>This Morning</b></a>. Over the years, it <i>has</i> had a few controversies, admittedly. Like <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2012/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">the time in 2012</a> when co-presenter Phillip Schofield decided to become The Paedophile-Smeller Pursuivant during a live interview with the then Prime Minister David Cameron and brandished a list of alleged child abusers which he had 'found on the Internet.' All whilst his co-host, Holly Willoughby, sat mutely beside him and fiddled with her hair. Schofield was <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-20265581">widely castigated</a> for his actions, Jonathan Dimbleby describing his behaviour as 'cretinous.' In December 2019, during that year's general erection, Schofield and Willoughby were criticised for a 'giggly' interview with another then Prime Minister, Bashing Boris. The co-hosts' decision to take a selfie with Johnson was also <a href="https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/tv/itvs-morning-receives-official-complaints-17381521">criticised</a> with viewers suggesting a 'lack of professionalism' and 'clear political bias.' In 2022, there was the decision to include a prize of 'energy bills' in the programme's regular 'spin to win' game, a piece of insensitivity at a time when many people in the UK couldn't afford to heat their homes which was <a href="https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/entertainment/itv-morning-viewers-blast-disgusting-27911694">compared</a> to the kind of thing one would see in dark satires like <b>Black Mirror</b> or <i>The Hunger Games</i> in terms of sheer crassness. And then, of course, there was that same year's <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/holly-willoughby-phillip-schofield-b2169430.html"><i>Queengate</i> controversy</a>. Through all of this Schofield (a former BBC children's presenter who was, at least, reasonably personable) and Willoughby (another former BBC children's presenter with no discernible talent whatsoever for pretty much anything other than reading an autocue) remained bafflingly popular, regularly winning categories at the National Television Awards and the <i>TV Choice</i> Awards. Then, suddenly, this year it all kicked-off big-style. Following months of <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-65729361">speculation</a> (in the tabloids if not anywhere that actually <i>matters</i>) about his private life and rumours of an <a href="https://news.sky.com/story/phillip-schofield-and-holly-willoughby-a-timeline-of-their-relationship-and-rift-rumours-between-this-morning-co-hosts-12881420">increasingly strained relationship</a> with Willoughby, Schofield presented <b>This Morning</b> for the last time on 18 May. Two days later, he announced his departure with immediate effect, saying ITV had decided that 'the current situation [could] not go on.' Schofield issued a <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-65739298">statement</a> to the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> on 26 May, in which he admitted having had a relationship with a young male ITV employee before he came out as gay and separated from his wife in 2020. Schofield had first met the employee while giving a talk at the drama school at which the latter was then a fifteen-year-old student. ITV said it had investigated rumours of a relationship between Schofield and the employee in 2020, but that they had both repeatedly denied the affair. Stating that it was 'deeply disappointed' by Schofield's 'admissions of deceit', ITV <a href="https://news.sky.com/story/itv-orders-external-review-over-phillip-schofields-departure-from-this-morning-12893848">severed all ties</a> with him. Since the departure of Schofield, several people involved in the show over the years have alleged that a 'toxic culture' operated at <b>This Morning</b>. Ruth Langsford made a complaint to ITV when she worked there whilst her husband, <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/ranj-singh-itvs-this-morning-housed-toxic-culture-9ct5cr3cn">stated</a> that Schofield was 'a narcissist and a bully at the centre of the toxicity.' Which, coming from Big Eamonn, really <i>was</i> saying something. The papers couldn't believe their luck as almost every day brought some new 'revelation' from people as diverse as <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/kerry-katona-this-morning-interview-phillip-schofield-b2350167.html">Kerry Katona</a>, <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/kim-woodburn-holly-willoughby-phillip-schofield-feud-b2342600.html">Kim Woodburn</a>, <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/05/28/this-morning-doctor-ranj-reveals-toxic-culture-itv-show/">Doctor Ranji Singh</a> and <a href="https://uk.news.yahoo.com/carol-mcgiffin-tainted-this-morning-cant-go-on-110337771.html">Carole McGiffin</a> who lined-up to have their five minutes in the spotlight. As, of course, did <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/may/30/mps-this-morning-parliament-daytime-tv">That Awful Dorries Woman</a>. Although, by that time, she was no longer the Lack Of Culture secretary and was in the process of <i>not</i> getting into the House Of Lords and being jolly upset about it. Alison Hammond (former <b>Big Brother</b>-type person) and Dermot O'Dreary temporarily took over on the sofas and decided to immediately take one for the team, claiming there was <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-65745586">none of that-there toxic culture round here, guv</a>. No siree, Bob. Then, just as things were starting to settle down and the odd day would go by with <i>no</i> <b>This Morning</b> stories pushing wholly unimportant news - like the war in Ukraine or criminal charges against now extremely former President Rump - onto page seven, on 5 October, Willoughby withdrew from the programme when an alleged murder plot against her became public. A few days later, she <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-67071668">announced</a> that she, too, had quit. Which became a 'newsflash' moment for at least one rolling-news channel (see below). This, obviously, then produced a whole avalanche of <a href="https://www.dailyecho.co.uk/news/23857255.morning-see-set-replace-holly-willoughby/">speculation</a> as to whom would be <a href="https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/tv/kate-garraway-itv-ben-shephard-27938416">replacing</a> her (and Schofield). The kind of banal, ill-informed guessing games you normally see in the tabloids when the actor currently playing The Doctor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2017/07/my-sister-is-not-my-enemy.html">announces they're leaving the TARDIS</a>. And then, the Grand Old Duchess of York (she had ten thousand quid) <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/fergie-this-morning-reactions-b2450384.html">turned up on the sofa</a>, swanning around like she owned the place. All of this, dear blog reader, for a programme with an average daily audience of approximately eight hundred thousand punters. Do the words 'out of all proportion' seem appropriate at this point? Which probably also applies to this blogger who has just written more about <b>This Morning</b> than he has about the top four or five shows in <i>From The North</i>'s 'Best Of' list. No one is innocent, dear blog reader. But, some of us are more guilty than others. Here endeth today's lesson. <br />
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3. <b>Scared Of The Dark</b> <br />
A Channel 4 reality show <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V54gJoh8nuE">presented by Danny Dyer</a>. Do you <i>really</i> need this blogger to go any further? Described as '<a href="https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/tv/everything-you-need-know-new-26691251">a world first</a>', eight z-list celebrity contestants spent eight days living, completing tasks, eating and sleeping in complete darkness in a specially built set. You know, <i>for a laugh</i>. With elements ripped (not even slightly shamefacedly) from <b>I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want)</b> and <b>Big Brother</b>, but with the audience of neither, this ... <i>thing</i> featured the likes of former <b>Love Island</b> contestant Chloe Burrows, <b>Gogglebox</b>'s Scarlett Moffatt and Chris Eubank. Plus, just to emphasise the inherent abhorrent <i>sadness</i> of the entire production, Gazza. The <i>Gruniad</i> reviewer (That Awful Mangan Woman, inevitably) <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/apr/16/scared-of-the-dark-review-the-stupidest-reality-show-of-all-time">described it as</a> 'Boring, derivative and occasionally downright horrible ... filled largely with stupid, boring challenges; contemptuous and derivative in the extreme.' It was, she stated, 'the stupidest reality show of all time.' And, <i>that</i> was one of the more positive reviews. The <i>Daily Scum Express</i> <a href="https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1758971/Scared-of-the-Dark-switch-off-backlash">suggested</a> that viewers had switched off <b>Scared Of The Dark</b> and branded the show '<b>Big Brother</b> with [the] lights off.' The <i>Independent</i> <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/scared-of-the-dark-review-paul-gasgoigne-b2324107.html">bemoaned</a> that the tasks distracted from the interpersonal dynamics and the 'psychological torture of being locked in a room with Chris Eubank.' The reviewer suggested that 'Channel 4 may just have stumbled on a winning formula.' It seems he may be correct as, <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12064295/Channel-4s-Scared-Dark-renewed-second-series-huge-ratings-hit-season.html">according to</a> the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> in May, <b>Scared Of The Dark</b> had been 'renewed for second series' after being a 'huge ratings hit.' That was followed, exactly four weeks later, by the <i>Sun</i> <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/22658048/channel-4-scared-of-the-dark-axed/">claiming exactly the opposite</a>. So, it would seem that every cloud <i>does</i>, indeed, have a silver lining. <br />
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4. <b>In With A Shout</b> <br />
Hosted by alleged (but, not even <i>remotely</i> funny) 'comedian' Joel Dommett, this atrocious series comprised a seven-episode run including a one-off z-list Celebrity 'special' for Soccer Aid. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-lXj3Aew64"><b>In With A Shout</b></a> saw two families battle against each other to win a prize of twenty thousand smackers, answering questions hidden in moving pictures and shouting their guesses at TV screens. So, <b>Family Fortunes</b> for loudmouths, in other words. ITV viewers 'were left switching off the quiz after pointing out an "annoying" feature,' <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/shout-viewers-switch-off-minutes-29663909">claimed</a> the Daily <i>Mirra</i>. Whether said annoying feature was the host's lack of charisma, the format's lack of originality, or the contestant's lack of two brains cells to rub together is a question, perhaps, best left for another day. The broadcaster, seemingly, wasn't overly bothered by the 'annoyingness' that <i>Mirra</i> readers highlighted, <a href="https://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2023/09/14/54150/itv_renews_joel_dommetts_in_with_a_shout">renewing</a> this crass puddle of noxious seepage for a second series. The recommission was greeted by Ben Wicks, creative director if producers Expectation (so, if you're wondering, this is <i>his</i> fault), thus: 'News of its return is superb - not least because we'll get another bumper crop of hilarious answers, like when a clip of a kazoo was identified as a "submarine", a warthog as "Hogwarts" and Daniel Craig as "Craig David."' And <i>that</i>, dear blog reader, tells you <i>everything</i> you need to know about this particular horrorshow and drag. Dommett ended the year fronting <i>another</i> of this blogger's least favourite shows of 2023 (see below), proving that some people in the TV industry appear to be a magnet for utter garbage. <br />
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5. <b>Naked Attraction</b> <br />
The late film critic Roger Ebert once <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2003/jun/05/news2">reviewed</a> the movie <i>The Brown Bunny</i> (2003) observing that he had once endured a colonoscopy. 'They let me watch it on a television screen and it was <i>better</i> than <i>The Brown Bunny</i>!' Over the years this blogger has had <i>two</i> colonoscopies and an endoscopy all of which he was obliged to watch, possibly the three least pleasurable experiences of this blogger's life. Apart from watching <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpqZ1mgFENE"><b>Naked Attraction</b></a>, that is. 'The dating show that likes to let it all hang out,' this bucket of diarrhoea has, of course, previously featured in <i>From The North</i>'s annual 'Worst Of' lists. In <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2016/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north_22.html">2016</a>. And <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2017/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2017</a>. And <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2018/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2018</a>. So, at the risk of repeating ourselves (something which happens when something has not digested properly) this is a - dire - dating game show, presented by Anna Richardson. 'Is a nude dating show a public service?' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2016/jul/30/naked-attraction-dating-show-nude-channel-4">wondered the <i>Gruniad</i></a> at a time when Channel 4 was desperately trying to argue its public service broadcasting credentials in the wake of a threatened government sell-off. 'Viewers <i>outraged</i> over full-frontal nudity in a racy new Channel 4 dating show' <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3708407/Who-EARTH-thought-good-idea-Viewers-left-shocked-frontal-nudity-racy-new-Channel-4-dating-sees-contestants-baring-bid-love.html">screamed the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i></a>, for whom the words 'naked' and 'Channel 4' must seem like manna from Heaven. 'How low can this channel go?' <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2016/07/25/naked-attraction-how-low-can-this-channel-4-dating-show-go/">asked the <i>Torygraph</i></a>. 'Ofcom won't investigate <b>Naked Attraction</b> despite two hundred and fifty complaints' <a href="http://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/709855/Naked-Attraction-Ofcom-complaints-cleared">whinged the <i>Daily Scum Express</i></a>. Ofcom, <a href="https://metro.co.uk/2017/08/07/naked-attraction-wont-be-laid-bare-by-ofcom-as-c4-show-escapes-investigation-6834905/">reportedly</a>, declined to perform an investigation due to the lack of sexual activity and the series' post-watershed timeslot. 'The most utterly stupid dating show on TV,' <a href="https://www.buzzfeed.com/scottybryan/naked-attraction-is-the-most-ott?utm_term=.ryAmkOBrA#.wpYzMnjxB">opined <i>Buzzfeed</i></a> (which, when you consider it had <b>Take Me Out</b> as competition really <i>was</i> saying something). 'Welcome to post-Brexit Britain,' the website's appalled critic added. 'Why does the show <i>exist</i>? Well, according to [producers], "modern dating has become a complicated business."' So, the obvious way around this is to flash your naughty bits to the nation (or, to that portion of the nation watching Channel 4 post-watershed, anyway). Put simply, you would have to be a brain-damaged moron or the victim of a cruel medical experiment <i>and</i>, in either case, someone without any dignity or self-respect, to appear on - or, indeed, <i>watch</i> - this wretched mess. And, if you're one of the people who dreamed <b>Naked Attraction</b> up in the first place, then you should probably be horsewhipped - naked - through the streets until you promise never to do anything so demeaning and offensive again. Yes, you found plenty of attention-seeking fodder happy to get their kit off on national telly for your cruel and shameful freak-show and even found a few hundred thousand gormless planks to watch them doing so. One trusts your parents are all <i>very</i> proud of you. The format, incidentally, has now been exported to Germany, Denmark, Italy, Finland, Norway, Poland, Russia and Sweden which have all made their own versions of the show. So, one supposes, we should stand up and salute that get-up-and-go enterprise which sees Britain exporting all of its utter crap to Johnny Foreigner. Is it any wonder the rest of the world hates us and laughs when our sporting teams do badly in major competitions? <br />
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6. <b>Loaded In Paradise</b> <br />
An 'action packed' - it says here - 'adrenalised' (which this blogger is unsure if that's actually a word) reality game show where 'party-loving pairs' island-hop Greece's Aegean Islands in a race to take control of - and spend - fifty thousand Euros. The series starts with five pairs and a gold card loaded with <i>mucho filthy wonga</i>, to blow on the wildest trip of their lives. However, only one lucky pair can be in control at any time. For this pair it's simple, live their best life on the run but don't get caught. Meanwhile, everyone else will be trying to hunt them down and take the card from them. By force, if necessary. Yes, dear blog reader, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrT-J_bj0Q8"><b>Loaded In Paradise</b></a> was every single bit as frightful as it sounds. The show where 'if you get the cash, it's time to dash' was a celebration of greed and selfism from those hateful sods at ITV2. ITV said, when <a href="https://deadline.com/2023/05/loaded-in-paradise-itvx-reality-recommission-twofour-love-island-1235382528/">recommissioning</a> the show, that it had 'achieved a healthy share of young viewers - more than one-third were aged between sixteen and thirty four.' Because, presumably, no actual <i>adult</i> would be caught dead watching this tripe. 'In the overnight ratings, it performed in line with fellow ITV2 formats such as <b>Ready To Mingle</b>, but is a far cry from matching the channel's best performer, <b>Love Island</b>.' This was 'hate-watching distilled down to its purest essence. Unfortunately, there's also nothing enjoyable about it,' <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/culture/tvfilm/loaded-in-paradise-on-itvx-review-pointless-and-tasteless-b1049230.html">wrote</a> an anguished Vicky Jessop at the <i>Standard</i>. 'Pointless <i>and</i> tasteless, watching people think of stupid ways to spend money in a cost-of-living crisis is <i>not</i> fun.' The <i>Torygraph</i> <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2022/12/28/loaded-paradise-review-like-stuck-package-holiday-worst-neighbours/">suggested</a> it was 'like being stuck on a package holiday with your worst neighbours.' The chief executive of production company TwoFour, Tim Carter (thus, it's <i>his fault</i>) <a href="https://www.broadcastnow.co.uk/international/loaded-in-paradise/5175373.article">said</a> 'We wanted something that had all the sunshine and aspiration of a great dating show, but wasn’t about dating,' adding that <b>Loaded In Paradise</b> 'aims to harness Millennial and Gen Z fixation with social media and sharing images of themselves living their best life.' So hateful, offensive, avaricious, greedy <i>and</i> designed for show-offs on <i>Twitter</i> to flaunt themselves and their new-found affluence to The Ordinary People. The Twenty First Century in microcosm. <br />
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7. <b>Let's Make A Love Scene</b> <br />
First shown in 2022 and, for some unfathomable reason, repeated on E4 early this year (hence its inclusion here), the concept behind this ghastly Channel 4 dating show <b>Let's Make A Love Scene</b> sounded woeful, though it eventually revealed itself to be a lot of faff around one simple question: out of three options, who does one person fancy the mostest, baby? The host, That Awful, Crude, Smug Ellie Taylor Woman (a previous regular in <i>From The North</i>'s 'Worst Of' lists via <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2021/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>Late Night Mash</b></a>) claimed that this was a dating show that 'does it like the movies.' And, she didn't mean <i>Citizen Kane</i> or <i>A Matter Of Life & Death</i>, dear blog reader. 'The problem is that once you get past the gimmick, this is just the familiar format of three dates followed by a winner and I don't think I've seen a single dating show like it where it hasn't been obvious who will be chosen from the second they meet,' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2022/may/13/lets-make-a-love-scene-review-silly-sexy-cosplay-inspired-by-swayze-and-clooney">suggested</a> the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>. Of the two episodes commissioned, <a href="https://www.tvzoneuk.com/post/letsmakelovescene-s1">only one made it to our screens</a>. The second episode was pulled from schedules days before broadcast without explanation and was not uploaded to All4. The natural assumption being that C4 saw the ratings for the first and panicked with a repeat of <b>Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown</b> parachuted into the vacant slot. Possibly to show Taylor what <i>real</i> comedians look like. 'Channel 4's smut obsession reaches a new low with the bizarre <b>Let's Make A Love Scene</b>,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/channel-4s-smut-obsession-reaches-new-low-bizarre-make-love/">snarled</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>, with wax exploding in its collective ears but not entirely without justification. '<b>Let's Make A Love Scene</b> was a unique take on the dating show format and saw singletons recreate sex scenes from iconic movies in a bid to see if love will blossom for real,' claimed the <i>Sun</i> when <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/22918805/channel-4-axes-lets-make-a-love-scene/">announcing</a> that the show had been 'axed.' Presumably, because any show using the word 'singleton' to describe anyone other than former <b>Blue Peter</b> presenters does not deserve to live. Seriously, Channel 4, do you have any actual <i>adults</i> in the building that we can talk to? A Channel 4 spokesperson told the <i>Sun</i>: 'Every year, Channel 4, like all broadcasters, makes decisions about which shows to rest, return or conclude to ensure we always innovate and offer viewers the best range of programming. The decision not to recommission <b>Let's Make A Love Scene</b> ... was <i>not</i> financial.' <i>Ouch</i>! So, presumably, it must have been one of the three <i>other</i> reasons that TV shows get cancelled. Either it was shit, or, no one was watching it. Or, it was shit <i>and</i> no one was watching it. <br />
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8. <b>Mel Giedroyc & Martin Clune Explore Britain By The Book</b> <br />
It would be hard not to feel sorry for Mel Giedroyc, winner of the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2021/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2021</a> <i>and</i> <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2022</a> <i>From The North</i> 'Worst Of' lists with her woeful Dave vehicle <b>Unforgivable</b>. It would be, that is, if she didn't keep getting herself landed in risible frippery such as <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lq521ubrmwU"><b>Mel Giedroyc & Martin Clunes Explore Britain By The Book</b></a>. Giedroyc - whom this blogger used to have a bit of time for, even if her post-<b>Bake Off</b> CV has been a parade of one flop format after another - got shunted into this mess alongside Clunes, who seems over the last few years to have become ITV's go-to-guy for these sort of travelogue shows that they used to give to Joanna Lumley and, before her, Caroline Quentin. A 'literary' travelogue 'tailor-made for philistines' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/09/06/mel-giedroyc-martin-clunes-explore-britain-by-the-book/">according</a> to the <i>Torygraph</i>, it was also given the extremely backhanded compliment of 'not as twee as it sounds,' by someone at <a href="https://inews.co.uk/culture/television/mel-giedroyc-martin-clunes-explore-britain-book-review-2596506">the <i>i</i></a>. This blogger begs to differ. As an example of something made for <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> readers to fall asleep to along side in nice mug of milky cocoa, it was <i>perfect</i> - pretty to look at and undemanding on all sorts of levels. For anyone in desperate search of something with a bit of substance, it was the equivalent of a rice cracker. Bland and tasteless. <br />
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9. <b>Paddy McGuinness: Tempting Fortune</b>/<b>Rise & Fall</b> <br />
In 2010, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2010/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">discussing</a> <i>From The North</i>'s least favourite show of that year, <b>The Ludicrous Ms Dahl</b>, <i>From The North</i> favourite Charlie Brooker commented: 'My over-riding feeling when watching it was that I wanted a man with a cricket bat - <i>covered in shit</i> - to come in and smash the whole place up!' Which brings us, nicely, to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4tMGX6Y3xo"><b>Tempting Fortunes</b></a>. Christ almighty, dear blog reader, even by the unique standards of horseshit that professional Northern berk Paddy McGuinness has achieved over many, many years, <i>this</i> was complete, noxious diarrhoea. Why on Earth do broadcasters keep on commissioning vehicles for this absolute tool? Who keeps giving him money? Anyway, <b>Tempting Fortune</b> (a <i>big</i> hit, unsurprisingly, in <a href="https://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/news/23416126.paddy-mcguinness-new-tv-show-tempting-fortune-divides-viewers/"><i>Bolton</i></a>, if not anywhere else) was the usual tacky, 'for the hard of thinking' Channel 4 format in which McGuinness gurned his way through six episodes as contestants embarked on an eighteen-day trek across South Africa's Eastern Cape. 'Disappointing and Morally Bankrupt Viewing,' wrote one disgusted online critic with whom this blogger would sympathise but, <i>you</i> chose to watch it in the first place, mate. This blogger <i>had</i> to, it's his job. 'This show encapsulates all of the worst traits in humanity and rewards them. The idea is simple: Work as a team and resist temptations along the way for a reward at the end. The catch? You get rewarded even if you fail.' This theme was taken up by another horrified <i>Twitter</i> user: '<b>Tempting Fortune</b> is gonna perfectly sum up modern society. People these days can't go without instant gratification and are insanely selfish. There'll be zero in the prize fund at the end.' <b>Tempting Fortune</b> 'makes an entertaining case for greed being good,' <a href="https://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/fp/entertainment/5561653/tempting-fortune-review/">claimed</a> the <i>Press & Journal</i> with little supporting evidence. 'Selfish contestants need packing off into the army,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/03/26/tempting-fortune-channel-4-review-selfish-contestants-need-packing/">fumed</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>, describing McGuinness's presence as being 'a pointless role that involves telling us the rules several times over. You'll be tempted to switch off.' The <i>Birmingham Mail</i> <a href="https://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/showbiz-tv/tempting-fortune-contestant-slapped-complaints-26565290">described</a> viewers 'hating' one particular contestant. So, congratulations there to the production team for introducing a bit more hate into the world. Like we haven't got enough of <i>that</i>, already. When even Ally Ross at the <i>Sun</i> <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/21890945/tempting-fortune-paddy-mcguinness-more-tempting-switch-channels/">advises</a> readers to avoid something like the plague, you <i>know</i> you're in trouble. 'The amazing thing about [<b>Tempting Fortune</b>] is that it's not even the worst reality show on Channel 4 at the moment,' Ross suggested. 'That would be <b>Rise & Fall</b>, which makes <b>Tempting Fortune</b> look like <b>The World At War</b>. Both, however, serve as equal reminders that it might be twelve years since C4 dropped <b>Big Brother</b>, promising to replace it with quality programmes more in keeping with its "innovative and creative" remit, but the pox of this lowest-common-denominator, fame-chasing show has never really gone away. All it's done is change its name to <b>The Circle</b>, <b>The Island</b>, <b>Married At First Sight</b>, <b>Brat Camp</b>, <b>Rise & Fall</b> or <b>Tempting Fortune</b>.' Testify, brother Ally. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fqR_Linju8"><b>Rise & Fall</b></a>, incidentally, was the same sort of characterless gruesome garbage only with Greg James instead of Paddy McGuinness. In June, Channel 4 <a href="https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/tv/channel-4-set-cancel-hit-27073679">announced</a> they were considering axing a second series, citing the cost of filming and <b>Rise & Fall</b>'s 'lack of success' in comparison with BBC's <b>The Traitors</b>. How sad. <br />
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10. <b>The One Per Cent Club</b> <br />
Contradictions. Funny things, those. Life is <i>full</i> of them, it would seem. For example, in 1981 top Birmingham reggae superstars UB40 had a massive hit with 'One In Ten', a song about the misery of unemployment. Exactly twelve months later, top Birmingham reggae superstars UB40 had <i>another</i> hit with 'So Here I Am Sitting At A Bus Stop Wishing I Was Somewhere Else' a song about the misery of going to work. This blogger is not suggesting that either position is, inherently, wrong <i>per se</i> but, come on lads, make your minds up will ya? But, see, that's the thing about contradictions, they're usually inexplicable. Take this horrid <i>beast</i> of a quiz show. You kind of <i>knew</i> that ITV's <b>The One Per Cent Club</b> - hosted, unbelievably, by <i>From The North</i> favourite Lee Mack one of the smartest and funniest comedians working today, so that's contradiction number one right there - was going to be wretched from the very <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc-8WqPF9Gk">first trailers</a> last year. Which suggested that this was the most lowest-common-denominator Saturday night game show in the long, forgettable history of lowest-common-denominator Saturday night game shows. Front-loaded with people giving ridiculously bone-stupid answers to pretty straightforward questions (let's face it, who <i>doesn't</i> enjoy laughing at punters with an apparently limited intellectual capacity? It's virtually a national sport in the UK these days), it was soon being <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojh1bUZ3_VU">reported</a> that ITV had, allegedly, 'received complaints' about the, allegedly, 'incredibly easy' questions being asked. And that the format had been 'slammed' by viewers. 'Slammed', of course, being <a href="https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1593834/The-1-percent-Club-ITV-easy-questions"><i>Daily Scum Express</i></a> reader-speak for 'criticised' only with fewer syllables. '<b>The One Per Cent Club</b> has been ridiculed by ITV viewers, with many making the same complaint about the new game show,' <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/18655701/the-1-per-cent-club-viewers-complain-lee-mack/">suggested</a> the <i>Sun</i>. Yet, somehow, this atrocious piece of abject crud managed to acquire enough of an audience to warrant a <a href="https://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2022/04/27/50668/second-series-for-lee-macks-the-1-club">second series</a> this year - contradiction number two. It even <a href="https://virginradio.co.uk/entertainment/119402/ntas-lee-mack-update-club">won a sodding NTA</a> which would qualify for contradiction number three if anyone was still keeping count at this stage. Food for thought, one may argue. This blogger strongly urges those in charge of these things to stick a rat in the kitchen of whomsoever devised this atrocious tripe and then film it and show it every Christmas. <i>That</i>, this blogger would definitely watch. A contradiction? Possibly. <br />
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11. <b>Nick Knowles' New Year Clear Out</b><br />
Smug, full-of-his-own-importance Nick Knowles visited Brighton for this programme, where Lauren and Mark's two-bed home was so cluttered with alleged 'junk' that it was giving them panic attacks. A further panic attack, presumably, occurred when obnoxious Nick Bloody Knowles rocked up on their doorstep with a film crew and a smug look on his smug mush demanding entry. A supposed 'special' episode of <b>Nick Knowles' Big House Clear Out</b> (and this blogger uses the word 'special' quite wrongly), this Channel 5 horrorshow (and drag) had Knowles <a href="https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1479057/Nick-Knowles-Big-House-Clearout-angry-makeover-Channel-5-video">admitting</a> the premise can leave families 'angry' with him and his busy-body makeover team. The sickeningly judgemental and sneering nature of the programme and its treatment of those who are hapless enough to agree to take part in it was quite enough to make this blogger angry with Knowles. <i>And</i> with whomsoever thought this format would be 'entertaining' for viewers. <br />
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12. <b>Sex: A Bonkers History</b><br />
'The relief when it ends is indescribable,' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/sep/18/sex-a-bonkers-history-review-the-relief-when-it-ends-is-indescribable">claimed</a> the <i>Gruniad</i> about this Sky History disgrace. 'From tragic cucumber jokes to whipping up some ancient Egyptian spermicide, this Amanda Holden and Dan Jones vehicle is an embarrassment from start to finish. You'll cringe yourself inside out ... After a quick section on gladiators' "cock rings" (designed to prevent sex and quite horrible), an art show of Pompeiian phalluses and a <b>Blind Date</b>-riff that is <i>worse</i> than <b>Blind Date</b>, it is all over. Whatever anyone was paid for their involvement in this tragic effort was too much and not enough. Please, if you want to fill the screen with "tits", just do that. Dressing it up as anything else diminishes everyone so much more.' Yes, pretty much <i>that</i>. This blogger occasionally worries when he comes across a TV show that baffles, appals or infuriates him that he's, at last, turns into a bitter, whinging old curmudgeon of the kind that made his blood boil when he was growing up. The TV-blogger equivalent of Freddie Trueman if you like. 'It weren't like this in t'maaa day,' <i>et cetera</i>. And that's almost certainly the first and only time that you'll find Amanda Holden and <b>The Indoor League</b> referred to in the same sentence on a 'Best & Worst Of' TV awards blog. Thus, it was actually something of a relief to find a general disgust at unpleasant formats such as <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMxzrRXn4nI"><b>Sex: A Bonkers History</b></a> across the entire spectrum of the media. 'Amanda Holden is no Mary Beard,' <a href="https://inews.co.uk/culture/television/sex-bonkers-history-sky-history-review-amanda-holden-no-mary-beard-2624719">suggested</a> the <i>i</i>, somewhat needlessly. This blogger believes that, actually, there isn't a single person on Planet Human Scum who thinks she <i>is</i> Mary Beard or anything even remotely like it. Not even the morons who commissioned <i>this</i> waste of oxygen. 'Perhaps the greatest crime of this programme, however, is that it was not "bonkers" or "sexy" at all. "Warning!" Holden read the title card at the top of the hour. "This series will take you on a journey through our sexual history. Expect nudity, occasional swearing and ... lots of sex!" But aside from some actors moaning and a few glimpses of boob, there wasn't much to get excited about.' Holden may have <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a45099614/amanda-holden-sex-bonkers-history-horrible-histories/">claimed</a> this was '<b>Horrible Histories</b> for adults' but there was precious little evidence of <i>any</i> actual adults being in the room when they were making it. 'There was little cohesive narrative as we hopped between Sparta, ancient India, Egypt and Rome in an end-of-the-pier whistle-stop show that seemed predicated on getting the co-presenter Amanda Holden into a short, sexy Spartan toga-type sheet as soon as possible,' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/sex-a-bonkers-history-review-amanda-holden-3hxbllzs0">wrote</a> <i>The Times</i>. 'Given Britain's history of sensible telly about sex (summary: there is <i>none</i>. It's all embarrassed giggling and pixelated penises) <b>A Bonkers History</b> was some way above excruciating. Amid the usual mixed grill of gratuitous nudey re-enactments and Lucy Worsley style dress-up, Holden and Jones did at least attempt to follow a thesis,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/09/18/sex-a-bonkers-history-sky-review-amanda-holden-dan-jones/">alleged</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>, wrongly. 'There were naughty jokes about cucumbers and carrots and a version of <b>Blind Date</b> featuring randy Roman emperors. It was like watching a <i>Carry On</i> film produced by the <b>Horrible Histories</b> team,' <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12533555/Neighbours-ROLAND-WHITE-reviews-TV.html">added</a> the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i>. Who, disappointingly, weren't anywhere near as <i>appalled </i>by <b>A Bonkers History</b> as this blogger was; a situation virtually unique outside of a Suella Braverman hate-speech. Truly, dear blog reader, we are living in the End of Days.</div><div style="text-align: justify;">
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13. <b>You Won't Believe This</b> <br />
Cancelled after a mere but one series, <b>You Wont Believe This</b> - broadcast in December 2022 - was yet another line on the CV-of-shit for host That Awful Crude, Smug Ellie Taylor Woman, who also had <b>Let's Make A Love Scene</b> <a href="https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/tv/channel-4-game-show-is-axed-in-the-latest-shake-up/ar-AA1dshbZ">axed</a> by Channel 4 around the same time (see above). To lose one of your two revolting TV formats, Ms Taylor, could be regarded as misfortune. To lose both looks like you or someone advising you made a couple of effing <i>dreadful</i> choices. Which is, frankly, far funnier than anything you've ever included in your crude, unfunny stand-up routines. <b>You Won't Believe This</b> was based on a group of amateur sleuths listening to 'shocking' - and 'stunning' - stories from a series of suspicious characters. Only one member of the group was telling the truth, so the detectives were tasked with singling out fact from fiction. The contestants dig into the suspects' stories, before being able to question them in an interrogation cell. If they were able to identify the correct person they won a cash prize of five big ones. If they fail to identify the correct bad'un, however, the suspect took home the lolly instead in a case of crime <i>does</i> pay. A marvellously socially-aware message for Channel 4 to be sending out at a time when it was trying to justify its existence to a hostile (and, amusingly, soon-to-be-former) Lack Of Culture secretary. Sometimes, Channel 4, when you're in a hole it's a good idea to <i>stop digging</i>. The <i>Scum Mail On Sunday</i> <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12266191/Channel-4-game-AXED-latest-shake-up.html">revealed</a> that staff at the channel were calling it 'a bloodbath' as programmes as diverse as <b>Naked Attraction</b> (see above), 'big-money celebrity flop' <b>Scared Of The Dark</b> (see above) and the medical documentary <b>Rescue: Extreme Medics</b>, were all 'canned' in the same merciless Doctor Beeching-style cull. The much-publicised return of the reality series <b>Four Weddings</b> was also scrapped, even though a team from an independent production company had been commissioned to make it. Staff on fixed contracts to work on the programme were immediately laid off, with some telling the - wholly unsympathetic - newspaper that they were worried about how they would pay their rent. Sign on the dole, just like normal people who lose their jobs, perhaps? Either that or ask That Awful Crude, Smug Ellie Taylor Woman for a loan since she seems to be seldom out of paid employment despite possessing little in the way of talent? It's a tough world, people. <b>You Won't Believe This</b> was 'like <b>Would I Lie to You?</b> ... but <i>tedious</i>' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2022/nov/22/you-wont-believe-this-review-ellie-taylors-new-gameshow-is-like-would-i-lie-to-you-but-tedious">according</a> to the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>. Viewers 'slammed' Channel 4 'for ripping off rival game show' <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/20521486/you-wont-believe-this-viewers-slam-channel-4/">claimed</a> the <i>Sun</i> using about five posts on social media as their focus group. In which case it's probably worth, at this juncture, paraphrasing a very famous piece of dialogue from <b>Yes, Prime Minister</b>, to wit: The <i>Daily Mirra</i> is read by people who think they run the country; the <i>Gruniad</i> is read by people who think they <i>ought</i> to run the country; <i>The Times</i> is read by the people who actually <i>do</i> run the country; the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> is read by the <i>wives</i> of the people who run the country; the <i>Financial Times</i> is read by people who <i>own</i> the country; the <i>Morning Star</i> is read by people who think the country ought to be run by <i>another</i> country; the <i>Daily Torygraph</i> is read by people who think it <i>is</i>. Readers of the <i>Sun</i> don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits. <br />
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14. <b>Z-List Celebrity Catchphrase</b><br />
Michael Grade's infamous <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/media/2007/mar/08/bskyb.itv">statement</a> about the value of content when he was ITV executive chairman had then and still now has much merit to it. Grade suggested that the broadcaster needed to get out of the habit of making copycat programmes which failed to innovate. 'We have been very quick to copy other people's formats,' Grade told the <i>Gruniad</i> in 2007. 'We've stuck the word "celebrity" on the front of a copied format and pretended that's good enough. It's creatively bankrupt to be honest.' What went for ITV more than a decade ago, it would seem, goes <i>doubly</i> for ITV2 in 2023. 'But, it appeals to a young demographic,' those within the TV industry will no doubt argue. Yeah well, so did The Hitler Youth. <a href="https://www.itv.com/watch/celebrity-catchphrase/2a2259">Described</a> by ITV themselves as 'iconic', <b>Z-List Celebrity Catchphrase</b> is now <a href="https://www.whattowatch.com/features/catchphrases-stephen-mulhern-admits-hiding-from-roy-walker">ten years old</a> and still about as welcome as a pork pie at a Jewish wedding. Among the worthless z-listers rocking up the latest series to stand next to Stephen Mulhern and look stupid were (and the list is be no means all-encompassing): Kadeena Cox, That Awful Crude, Smug Ellie Taylor Woman, Aston Merrygold, Liza Tarbuck, Siobhan McSweeney, Jay Blades, Zoe Williams, Danny Miller, Vernon Kay and Lady Leshurr. <i>That's</i> as desperate a line-up of has-beens and never-weres as you'll ever see, dear blog reader. Exported, recently, to New Zealand, needless to say the natives were <i>not</i> happy: 'Hellish British game show set to debut on Eden,' <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/stuff-to-watch/300542109/celebrity-catchphrase-hellish-british-game-show-set-to-debut-on-eden#:~:text=Celebrity%20Catchphrase%20%28which%20debuts%20at,fairly%20depressingly%20one%2Dnote%20format.">agonised</a> the <i>Stuff</i> website. <b>Z-List Celebrity Catchphrase</b> 'might offer better banter than the classic show and provide an opportunity for those participating to surprise audiences, or allow them to indulge in a bit of <i>schadenfreude</i>, but it doesn't really lift what is a fairly <i>depressingly</i> one-note format.' Calling Mister Grade - it looks like they didn't take any notice of you. <br />
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15. <b>Z-List Celebrity Help! My House Is Haunted</b><br />
In which you, too, dear blog readers, can discover what sort of ghost with terrifyingly low self-esteem and <i>appalling</i> taste would volunteer to haunt the likes of Louie Spence, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, Marnie Simpson (no, me neither) and <a href="https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/tv/itv-coronation-street-star-simon-26500188">Simon Gregson</a>. The second series of this dreadful appendage of alleged psychic 'investigations' was certainly a big comedown on the first in terms of the level of 'celebrity' involved; at least during the last series we got to have a look around <a href="https://toyah.net/tag/help-my-house-is-haunted/">Toyah Wilcox</a> and Robert Fripp's palatial country gaff. Albeit, it also featured some <b>The Only Way Is Essex</b>-type individual, so we shouldn't laud it too highly. Nevertheless, anyone without a desperate need to get themselves on Discovery+ (and, be watched by an audience of, what, about <i>eight</i> people?) would, surely, think twice before letting Barri Ghai, Jayne Harris and Ian Lawman into their drum for a bit of the old 'is there anybody there?' nonsense. At least when Derek Acorah did <i>his</i> ludicrous malarkey, claiming to get in touch with Michael Jackson in the afterlife fourteen years ago, it was <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/tvandradioblog/2009/nov/09/derek-acorah-michael-jackson">quite funny</a> even if it wasn't supposed to be. That said, watching Louie Spence appearing shocked <i>and</i> stunned when told he had an, allegedly, murdered chap, allegedly wandering the halls of Stately Spence Manor and <a href="https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x8imimi">saying</a> 'I'm not happy with that. I don't know if I want him to stay,' was in the same sort of ballpark in terms of its ridiculousness. Think how the ghost feels, mate, he's got to co-hab with <i>you</i>. Renewed for <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/23517079/celeb-help-my-house-is-haunted-full-line-up/">a third series</a> (which will include a line-up that makes Louie and co look positively y-list), one can only assume that this festering puddle of stinking puss mustn't cost much to produce. Because, from extensive research, this blogger has been unable to find anyone that appears to be watching it to justify its existence. An, alleged - though, suspiciously anonymous and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - 'insider' allegedly told the <i>Sun</i> (they're <i>not</i> alleged, they really <i>do</i> exist, believe it or not): 'It's going to be an amazing series with a real eclectic mix of stars showing the ghost hunters and paranormal experts around their spooky homes.' In exactly that sort of tabloidese 'real people don't talk like <i>that</i>' way we know and wince at. <br />
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16. <b>Z-List Celebrity Bridge Of Lies</b><br />
'Teams of celebrities take on the nail-biting quiz hosted by Ross Kemp,' <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001h8q8">said</a> the BBC before this rubbish started. Which, in and of itself, probably put any potential viewers with an ounce of common sense off the damned thing. Ross, having clearly decided he'd had enough of trying to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2008/12/keith-telly-toppings-top-tv-tips.html">take on The Tablian</a> on his own to prove how hard he is or donning his scuba gear to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">dive for hidden treasure</a>, here reinvents himself as a genial quiz show host. It doesn't really work because you keep on expecting him to nut someone in the mush for looking at him 'in a funny way.' 'The celebrity team will include <b>EastEnders</b>' John Partridge, <b>Coronation Street</b>'s Faye Brookes, <b>Emmerdale</b>'s Natalie Anderson and <b>Hollyoaks</b>' Richard Blackwood,' <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/entertainment/celebrity-bridge-of-lies-bbc-line-up/">added</a> the <i>Radio Times</i>. So, Ross Kemp <i>and</i> some soap z-listers, oh this just gets better and better. A subsequent episode included former members of The Sugababes, Eternal, Steps and The Pussycat Dolls. So, Ross Kemp and some ex-pop stars, rotting in a studio (yes, dear blog reader, that <i>was</i> an Altered Images reference, in case you were wondering). Then there was the 'Sporting Legends' episode, featuring David Calamity James, Ugo Monye, Judy Murray ('<i>legend</i>'?) and Pat Nevin. Oh God, <i>Magic</i> Pat Nevin - someone this blogger actually used to have a modicum of respect for. What <i>were</i> you thinking of, Pat? Calamity, as it happens, turned out to be <a href="https://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/entertainment/film-tv/news/ross-kemp-stunned-by-david-james-knowledge-of-cats-on-bbcs-bridge-of-lies/42271505.html">something of a hit with the viewers</a> via his knowledge of cats and, ultimately, the whole fiasco <i>was</i> for charrr-i-deeee. So, perhaps this blogger should not be too critical. But, you know, where's the fun in <i>that</i>? Previously <a href="https://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/showbiz-tv/bbc-bridge-lies-slammed-shameless-23388108">described</a> as a 'shameless rip-off' of ITV's <b>Tenable</b>, the rotten format remains marginally popular with the BBC and attracted enough of an audience to get itself another series. One, genuinely, hopes that the charities which benefitted from this were happy. Cos this blogger certainly wasn't. <br />
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17. <b>Starstruck</b><br />
As welcome as a big, hairy wart on the end of ones chap, the second series of ITV's <b>Stars In Their Eyes</b> reboot began in February. And, most of the audience had lost interest before March arrived. Shania Twain (a replacement for Sheridan Smith, who was busy with <i>real </i>work) was not on the judging panel for two episodes due to her Vegas residency <i>Let's Go!</i> and, so, was unable to tell someone 'that don't impress me much' for the forty seventh time. Her seat was taken by Ronan Keating. 'A cut-price <b>Stars In Their Eyes</b> made me wish I had my fingers in my ears' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/starstruck-review-cut-price-stars-eyes-made-wish-had-fingers/">said</a> That Awful Singh Woman at the <i>Torygraph</i>, presumably chuckling at her own cleverness. '<b>Starstruck</b> viewers "give up" on show as they brand it the "worst episode" so far' <a href="https://www.mylondon.news/news/tv/itv-starstruck-viewers-give-up-26451322">added</a> the <i>My London</i> website. <i>WalesOnline</i> <a href="https://www.walesonline.co.uk/lifestyle/tv/viewers-fuming-itv-starstruck-result-26333246">claimed</a> that 'viewers [were] fuming' because someone they liked didn't got through to the next round. <i>ITV <i><b>Starstruck</b></i> Viewers All Say The Same Thing As Shania Twain Returns To Show</i> <a href="https://www.dailystar.co.uk/tv/itv-starstruck-viewers-say-same-29608637">suggested</a> the <i>Daily Lies</i>. 'It only hurts when I'm breathing'? Just a wild stab in the dark. The series was <a href="https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/tv/incredible-story-starstruck-winner-abbie-26660912">won</a> by Abbie Edwards performing as Adele. In June, it was <a href="https://tellymix.co.uk/reality-tv/664065-itv-show-starstruck-shelved-after-two-series.html">reported</a> that plans for a third series had been 'put on hold' and, in September, presenter Olly Murs <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/olly-murs-gutted-reveals-primetime-30900638.amp">confirmed</a> that the show had been axed. Though, thankfully, not with an <i>actual</i> axe because that would've been very messy. Let it be noted, however, <b>Starstruck</b> really wasn't very good but it was not in the same league of genuine horribleness as <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2015/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">Harry Hill's dismal 2015 revival of <b>Stars In Their Eyes</b></a>. Now, that <i>was</i> crap. <br />
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18. <b>Big Brother</b> <br />
Hang on, hasn't this vile, Victorian freakshow for the hard-of-thinking already been killed off? <i>Twice</i>? Are ITV2 <i>really</i> so desperate for viewers that they'll revive any old banal, lowest-common-denominator rubbish just to pull in a few gullible punters? Actually, don't bother answering that, dear blog reader. It was, after all, clearly a rhetorical question.<br />
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19. <b>Queens For The Night</b> <br />
'ITV have reportedly axed a star-studded show due to poor ratings,' <a href="https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/tv/itv-axe-star-studded-saturday-night-show/ar-AA1dJFRp">shouted</a> the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> with some obvious, agenda-soaked, delight. <b>Queens For The Night</b> which saw male z-list celebrities being transformed into drag queens was a one-off Saturday night format broadcast late last year, just too late to feature in <i>From The North</i>'s 2022 awards blog. The show was hosted by Lorraine Kelly and saw the likes of Adam Woodyatt, Simon Gregson, Mister Motivator and <b>Love Island</b>'s Chris Hughes (no, me neither) taking part. They were guided by mentors Myra Dubois and Kitty Scott-Claus. Judges Mel C, Australian drag queen Courtney Act and large-toothed alleged 'comedian' Rob Beckett completed the line-up. A, suspiciously anonymous - and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - 'source' allegedly <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/23025995/itv-axe-queens-for-the-night/">told</a> the <i>Sun</i> in July: 'The show was always thought of as a bit of a "special" for ITV but there was the hope it might take off and become a series. That hasn't happened.' The format was compared, unfavourably, with the American series <b>RuPaul's Secret Celebrity Drag Race</b>. Only with about a tenth of the personality and charm of the US show. 'If there is a stranger segment of television this year than Ian Beale in drag, impersonating Gemma Collins, Boris Johnson and Miss Piggy while singing 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart', I will be shocked,' <a href="https://inews.co.uk/culture/television/queens-for-the-night-itv-review-who-knew-steve-mcdonald-had-it-in-him-1952332">wrote</a> the <i>i</i>'s reviewer. At least the cancellation of <b>Queens For The Night</b> kept Rob Beckett from being on our TV screens more than he is already. For <i>that</i>, if nothing else, this blogger applauds the decision. <br />
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20. <b>Katie Price's Mucky Mansion</b><br />
Here's a fun game for all the family, dear blog reader - describe a random TV format that includes Katie Price in but two words. If you said 'morally bankrupt', welcome to the club. Another <i>twenty four carat gem</i> from Channel 4, this format saw Price attempting to transform her nineteen-room 'vandalised and uninhabitable' mansion into a 'forever home' for her family. In August, Price <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12429195/Katie-Price-confirms-Channel-4-series-Mucky-Mansion-axed-prepares-rent-home-6K-week-amid-3-2M-bankruptcy.html">confirmed</a> to the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> that the format had been 'axed' as she attempted to rent out the - expensively renovated - West Sussex mucky mansion for six grand a week. Which, if a <a href="https://www.theargus.co.uk/news/23873994.katie-price-struggles-rent-haunted-mucky-mansion-sussex/">piece</a> in the <i>Brighton Argus</i> is anything to go by, is proving more difficult than she'd perhaps imagined. Because it is, allegedly, haunted obviously and <i>not</i> due to the lack of too many people stupid enough to cough up <i>that</i> much on a bling-palace. A report earlier in the year had suggested producers 'weren't keen' on renewing the programme after viewing figures declined by three hundred thousand between the first series and the second. It was also revealed that Price was to face questions in court over her three million knicker debts after she declared (actual) bankruptcy in 2019. The reality-TV regular, who was once estimated to be worth over forty million smackers, previously agreed to pay twelve grand a month to creditors but has, the <i>Scum Mail</i> claimed, 'not been sticking to the deal, according to those owed the money.' The programme itself, <a href="https://www.examinerlive.co.uk/news/tv/katie-prices-mucky-mansion-leaves-22887404">according</a> to the <i>Yorkshire Live</i> website, '[left] viewers "disgusted" as eyewatering cost raises questions ... It's not just the mess that is turning viewers off but the bizarre plan to fix it and the decision to [broadcast] it in the first place.' The <i>Irish Times</i> <a href="https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/tv-radio/2023/02/22/katie-prices-mucky-mansion-celebrity-big-brother-meets-amateur-dermot-bannon/">described</a> the programme as '<b>Celebrity Big Brother</b> meets amateur Dermot Bannon.' The <i>Birmingham Mail</i> <a href="https://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/showbiz-tv/katie-price-mucky-mansion-flooded-26318995">suggested</a> that 'fans savaged Katie, a mum-of-five, over the volume of her speech. Fans criticised her, calling her a "foghorn" and saying there's "no need" for her volume.' In September, the <i>Mirra</i> <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/katie-prices-mucky-mansion-now-30938612">claimed</a> that the titular Mucky Mansion itself 'has fallen into disrepair with rubbish strewn in the garden despite the property's glossy TV makeover.' Thus rendering the whole rationale for the show's existence in the first place somewhat moribund. Much like Katie Price's entire career, in fact. <br />
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21. <b>Breeders</b> <br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">'I had a baby very young. It ruined my life.' The <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6eltNiHbSU">trailer</a> for the fourth series of this wretched piece of sneering, Middle Class <i>twattery</i> - a regular feature in <i>From The North</i>'s 'Worst Of' lists in <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2020/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2020</a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2021/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2021</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">2022</a> - did, at least, include the welcome news that it was 'back for a <i>final</i> season.' Hurrah. <i>That</i> was great news. Well, the 'final' bit was; the unwelcome fact that it was 'back', admittedly, was a major disappointment. Once again, Martin Freeman, Daisy Haggard, Alun Armstrong, Stella Gonet and other talented, likeable actors had to wade, knee-deep, through a series of situations playing characters that you just hoped would fall, face first, into a lake a burning phlegm and <i>drown</i>. 'Without the safety net of a ready supply of jokes ... leaves <b>Breeders</b> as a comedy-drama that's a little lacking in both,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/10/20/breeders-sky-comedy-season-4-review-freeman-haggard-fx/">wrote</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. Too kind. Far, <i>far</i> too kind. The final episode broadcast on 25 September on Sky One with an overnight audience of but <a href="https://tvseriesfinale.com/tv-show/breeders-season-four-ratings/">eighty seven thousand punters</a>. All of whom, presumably, had nothing better to do with their time. Like, perhaps, contemplating the inherent ludicrousness of existence.<br />
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22. <b>Violent Child, Desperate Parents</b><br />
If you think you're having an existential crisis in your daily life, dear blog reader, fear not - it could be worse. You could be one of the poor sods who got roped into this wretched piece of allegedly 'thought-provoking' lifestyle telly from Channel 5. The channel that previously brought you <b>Rich House Poor House</b>, <b>Bargain-Loving Brits In The Sun</b>, <b>Wife On Strike</b>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>Penelope Keith: From Margo To Manor</b></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2020/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>Z-List Celebrity Dogs Behaving (Very) Badly</b></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2019/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>Eaten By An Escalator</b></a>, <i>et cetera</i>, <i>et cetera</i>. '<b>Violent Child, Desperate Parents</b> threw viewers straight into the deep end tonight with distressing scenes of violence,' <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/violent-child-desperate-parents-airs-12106661">noted</a> the <i>Daily Mirra</i> a couple of years ago when the programme first appeared. 'The pre-show warning couldn't do the Channel 5 documentary justice as a nine-year-old was seen savagely attacking his despairing mother.' '<i>Who's to blame</i>? Viewers <i>slam</i> parents whose violent young son takes six hours to get to bed each night ... but do <i>you</i> agree?' <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/5815825/viewers-slam-parents-violent-young-son-six-hours-bed-each-night/">asked</a> the <i>Sun</i> sensing that at least some of their - no doubt perfect - readers would <i>not</i> agree and probably felt that Adrian and Emma, from South Wales, should've treated their 'nasty, vile boy' a damn sight more harshly than they did in the episode. The <i>British Psychological Society</i> <a href="https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/not-mad-sad">wrote</a> extensively about resident psychologist Laverne Antrobus meeting nine-year-old Joseph from Stoke, who 'terrorises' his mum with physical violence and verbal abuse. 'Rather than demonising them, this programme reminds us that violent children are still children after all: not mad, but sad.' And, that the only answer is to '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04clpd7h0b0">cut off their goolies</a>.' Probably. First broadcast in 2018 and now into its third series, <b>Violent Child, Desperate Parents</b> may, indeed, be a serious sociological study of an important problem in modern society and we should not scorn or mock it for trying to help people facing a difficult situation. Okay, that <i>is</i> a valid argument which this blogger accepts at face value. This blogger's issue with the programme is not so much what it is saying but the fact that it <i>exists</i> in the first place. Whose idea was it to go out searching for desperate parents with violent children and then <i>put them on television</i> so that some people you've never heard on social media can criticise them for giving their son a slap and readers of the <i>Sun</i> can criticise them for <i>not</i> slapping him hard enough? Seriously, dear blog reader, there is something utterly depressing about the fact that a production company thought viewers would watch such a programme <i>for entertainment</i>. This blogger hopes, genuinely, that Adrian and Emma and their son and Joseph from Stoke and his mum and all of the other people featured in this distressing, sorry fiasco got some help and advice from meeting Laverne and the other psychologists. And, that their problems have been, if not solved, then at least eased somewhat, by that process. His objection to <b>Violent Child, Desperate Parents</b> is that they had a bloody camera <i>stuck in their faces</i> whilst doing so and that a broadcaster then thought this was worth showing to people sandwiched between episodes of <b>The Hotel Inspector</b> and <b>World's Most Expensive Cruise</b>. <i>That</i>, rather than anything within the programme itself, was sodding <i>shameful</i>. <br />
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23. <b>The Great Big Tiny Design Challenge</b> <br />
An - utterly pointless - eight-part competition, which was broadcast on Channel 4's digital channel More4 in the Spring, challenged designers to renovate an entire derelict mansion, inspired by real-world designs. The catch was that the luxury fantasy home they must remodel was doll-sized. Presented by - equally small - Sandi Toksvig (who, sadly, was at her most irritating in this) the whole thing was inoffensive enough but did seem to be a bit of a 'written the back of a cigarette packet' format. And, it was soon following a host of other Channel 4 productions in getting the chop amid <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12271571/Channel-4-AXES-competition-series-latest-face-chop.html">claims</a> that the broadcaster was battling to drastically reduce costs in the face of declining advertising revenue. Once again, a spokesperson for Channel 4 stated that the reason for cancellation was 'not financial.' One or two people even believed them. <br />
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24. <b>Next Level Chef</b>/<b>Future Food Stars</b> <br />
Gordon Ramsay's BBC show <b>Future Food Stars</b> 'is said to have been given the boot by the corporation after airing for just two seasons,' the <i>Daily Mirra</i> <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/gordon-ramsay-cooking-show-axed-30376597">reported</a> in July. The programme which saw budding chefs put through their paces 'failed to bring in mega-ratings for the network. No episode of the show fronted by the infamous potty-mouthed chef brought in over two million viewers. As the seasons continued, the <i>grande</i> finale was beaten by ITV's comedy programme, <b>It'll Be Alright On The Night</b>.' It had been <a href="https://www.tvzoneuk.com/post/futurefoodstars-axer1">claimed</a>, by <i>TV Zone</i>, that the second series of the programme had been commissioned before the first series finished broadcasting in the Spring of 2022. 'Viewers had previously slammed the show,' the <i>Mirra</i> continued, 'branding one contestant "nasty" after he appeared to make comments aimed at his fellow co-stars.' The rotter. All of this was jolly bad news for Ramsay, of course, but this was 'the second instalment of bad news for the Scottish chef after his ITV programme, <b>Next Level Chef</b>, also failed to attract audiences and was brutally axed by the colourful network.' Why is ITV 'colourful' you may be wondering, dear blog reader? Christ only knows. Ask Daniel Bird, the <i>Mirra</i>'s Assistant Showbiz Editor and the author of this potentially prize-winning piece of journalism. The <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults) also <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/entertainment/reality-tv/gordon-ramsay-future-food-stars-axed-newsupdate/">carried the news</a> of this double blow to Ramsay's colossal ego. As did <a href="https://www.delish.com/uk/food-news/a44415289/gordon-ramsay-future-food-stars-axed/">the <i>Dellish</i> website</a>. And the <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12258291/Gordon-Ramsays-cooking-AXED-just-two-series.html"><i>Daily Scum Mail</i></a>. And the <a href="https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1787071/Gordon-Ramsay-BBC-axe-Future-Food-Stars"><i>Daily Scum Express</i></a>. All of this, after Lord Sugar Sweetie had got into <a href="https://deadline.com/2023/01/lord-sugar-gordon-ramsay-future-food-stars-the-apprentice-rip-off-1235211960/">an online tiff</a> with yer man Ramsay over claims that <b>Future Food Stars</b> was 'a virtual rip-off' of <b>The Apprentice</b>. <i>Big</i> fight. Little people. <b>Next Level Chef</b>, meanwhile, had got <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/reality-tv/a43438909/gordon-ramsay-next-level-chef-axed/">the cancellation order</a> a couple of months earlier, with the <i>Sun</i> <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/21852285/itv-axes-gordon-ramsay-show-ratings/">reporting</a> that show will not be renewed as 'the ratings weren't high enough.' So, almost as <i>annus horribilis</i> for Gordon as it was for That Awful, Ellie Taylor Woman and Joel Dommett, then? <br />
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25. <b>Naked, Alone & Racing To Get Home</b> <br />
In 2022, the <i>Westmoreland Gazette</i> <a href="https://www.thewestmorlandgazette.co.uk/news/20131894.e4-hunt-people-appear-naked-alone-racing-get-home/">reported</a> that 'E4 are on the hunt for people to appear in <b>Naked, Alone & Racing To Get Home</b>.' Apparently, they found some. So, well done them. 'This captivating series sees two pairs of daredevils bare all and head off on a wild adventure in the British countryside. Across three days, with no phones, money or clothes, the two teams will race against each other, as they battle the elements and use their resourcefulness to forage their own food, build their own shelter and source their own materials to keep warm.' Plus avoid getting arrested for baring their nakedness in public. 'Fans go <i>wild</i> for <b>Naked, Alone & Racing To Get Home</b> saying they're "obsessed" with the "utter madness" of the show where nude contestants race across UK,' <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-11972253/Fans-wild-new-Naked-Racing-Home.html">claimed</a> the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> basing their evidence of this alleged enthusiasm and 'obsession' on the postings of half-a-dozen easily-pleased glakes on social media. The <i>Sun</i> also went <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/22040331/channel-4-naked-alone-racing-to-get-home/">searching for reactions</a>: 'Viewers were left shocked [and, presumably, stunned] when a pair of contestant's on <b>Naked, Alone & Racing To Get Home</b> had a very bizarre run-in with a member of the public on a bike.' Though, to be fair, any interaction with someone not involved in the programme that <i>didn't</i> include the words 'oh, put it away and show some dignity' could, legitimately, be considered 'bizarre'. 'From E4's new clothes-free hiking show to programmes featuring life-size holograms of contestants' wobbly bits, television has become insatiably obsessed by nudity. But why?' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/apr/06/the-bizarre-rise-of-naked-reality-tv">asked</a> the <i>Gruniad</i>. 'Even if <b>Naked, Alone & Racing To Get Home</b> fails - and, let's be honest, it might - then a thousand new naked shows (mainly commissioned by Channel 4) will rush in to take its spot. The problem is, nobody seems to know exactly what <i>purpose</i> these shows serve.' <b>Naked, Alone & Racing To Get Home</b> star Chrissie Wunna 'says she looked like a "crazy woman" knocking on doors with her "vagina out"' <a href="https://www.dailystar.co.uk/tv/naked-alone-racing-home-star-25154566">added</a> the <i>Daily Lies</i>. How come no one with their vaginas out ever knocks on the door of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House dear blog reader? Well, there was that <i>one</i> time ... but perhaps this blogger has said too much. <br />
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26. <b>FUBAR</b> <br />
'My daughter's in the CIA?' It should be said up-front that Arnold Schwarzenegger's small screen debut featured one of the better performances of Arnie's long and varied career. But oh dear, does this thing drag and groan under the weight of itself. Following a veteran, in theory retired, CIA field operative who learns that his daughter (an admittedly scene-stealing Monica Barbaro, fresh from her role in <i>Top Gun: Maverick</i>) also works for The Company, Netflix's <b>FUBAR</b>'s only joke about strained families and Arnie being an infamous action-man simply can't withstand its monumental runtime. The title (an acronym for 'fucked-up beyond all redemption') doesn't help either almost standing up and inviting snarky comments. The series had some bright spots, particularly early-on, but by the time it reached a tired conclusion you probably wouldn't care about its <i>clichéd</i> espionage set-up and Arnie mocking his standard action-hero persona. 'Like so many streaming series, <b>FUBAR</b> simply doesn't have enough story to justify its overall runtime, a real problem considering we're talking about all of eight hours in this case,' <a href="https://www.news-herald.com/2023/05/25/arnold-schwarzeneggers-still-got-it-but-otherwise-netflixs-true-lies-like-action-comedy-fubar-lacks-the-goods-tv-review/">suggested</a> the <i>News-Herald</i>. 'It’s a mild comedy and a tepid adrenalin shot. Leaning into satire might have saved it,' <a href="https://www.theage.com.au/culture/tv-and-radio/the-get-krack-n-creators-are-killing-it-in-screwball-comedy-deadloch-20230526-p5dbka.html">added</a> <i>The Age</i>. 'From the moment [Schwarzenegger] sips a beer from a decorated stein the real plot becomes clear: it is for him/this to be merely understandable in sixty eight languages, like every one of those other glossy, meaningless international spy/criminal shows,' <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/once-upon-a-time-in-northern-ireland-finally-a-brilliant-documentary-zsnrzhdwz">wrote</a> <i>The Times</i>. Sometimes, however, the shortest reviews are the most telling and the funniest. In this case, an award of some kind should go to the <i>Beverly Hills Courier</i>'s Neely Swanson who <a href="https://beverlyhillscourier.com/2023/05/26/american-born-chinese-new-hits-and-misses-streaming-now/">said</a>: '<b>FUBAR</b> is <i>definitely</i> FUBAR.' Why use eight hundred words, dear blog reader, when four sarcastic ones will do? <br />
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27. <b>Plebs: Soldiers Of Rome</b> <br />
Cancelled in 2019 after five, genuinely torturous, series ITV2's <b>Plebs</b> was, frankly, about as funny as my Biggus Dickus. The one-off 'finale', <b>Soldiers Of Rome</b> was broadcast on 8 December 2022 and was an early reminder that winter is, by far, the cruellest season. Hoping to win respect, romance and discounts at participating restaurants, Marcus, Grumio, Jason and Aurelius sign up to the army during peace time just as war is declared and they are sent to fight on the front line. Unsurprisingly they don't return as conquering heroes or cover themselves in glory. Less than three hundred thousand gullible citizens watched this circus most of whom, one images, were bellowing <i>Romani ite domum</i> at the screen. 'Don't expect a blaze of glory,' the director Sam Leifer <a href="https://money.yahoo.com/don-t-expect-blaze-glory-100441925.html">told</a> the <i>Independent</i> during production. We didn't. And it <i>wasn't</i>. <br />
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28. <b>A Cut Above</b> <br />
'It's like <b>MasterChef</b> .... with <i>chainsaws</i>' according to a shouty man on the Sky trailers concerning this Canadian import, 'the ultimate chainsaw carving competition series with challenges on artistry, stamina and skills.' Okay, fair enough but who the Hell wants to <i>watch</i> <b>MasterChef</b> with <i>chainsaws</i>? What next, Sky, <b>The Great British Bake Off</b> with bazookas? <b>The Repair Shop</b> with shootahs? <b>Wheelers Dealers</b> with tanks? Actually, come to think of it, the latter's not a bad idea. Any networks out there interested, you can have the rights to that one for nothing. <br />
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28. <b>My Mum, Your Dad</b><br />
A dating show that began on ITV in September, presented by Davina McCall. The series followed a group of middle-aged single parents as they headed to a 'romance retreat' in Sussex for 'a second chance at love.' Which, unbeknownst to them, was being overseen by their adult children. A feeble idea for a series in the first place, it was <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/sep/11/my-mum-your-dad-review-davina-mccalls-middle-aged-love-island-is-hilarious-and-excruciating">described</a> by the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> as 'hilarious' and 'excruciating' adding that 'unlike the usual contestants [on <b>Love Island</b>] these people have real stories, real baggage and real emotions.' <i>The Times</i> strongly criticised the series, <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/my-mum-your-dad-review-gxq7lpb0n">noting</a> that the reviewer would 'sooner eat [their] own liver than have [their] children spying on [their] pitiful attempts at flirting or snogging.' They also suggested that there was too much focus on the children's opinions. The <i>Independent</i> <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/my-mum-your-dad-itv-davina-b2409306.html">argued</a> that the show's producers appeared to have 'mistaken the middle-aged contestants for helpless geriatrics who can no longer be trusted to boil a kettle, let alone make decisions about who they'd like to date.' The <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> took great delight in <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/my-mum-your-dad/article-12508725/My-Mum-Dad-draws-1-5million-viewers-launch-episode-fans-slam-ITV-shows-insulting-Big-Brother-style-twist.html">reporting</a> that the series only drew one-and-a-half million overnight viewers for its launch episode 'as fans slam ITV show's "insulting <b>Big Brother</b> style" twist,' whilst the <i>Evening Chronicle</i> <a href="https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/tv/itv-my-mum-your-dad-27698460">added</a> that ITV was facing a 'backlash' from viewers 'over choice of contestants.' They added that 'while <b>My Mum, Your Dad</b> did get some praise from ITV viewers over its soundtrack, as classics by the likes of Toto, Cyndi Lauper and Crowded House played throughout the episode, the biggest criticism was over a lack of "normal" people in the show's line-up.' As if <i>that</i> is a unique occurrence on this type of programme. <br />
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30. <b>Banged Up</b><br />
'Our lofty aim ... is to explore the prison system and try to show - in the most realistic way possible - what it is really like to be locked up in a UK Prison to privileged people who know very little about jail,' <a href="https://www.channel4.com/4viewers/banged-stars-behind-bars">claimed</a> Channel 4 in pre-publicity for this format. 'Once banged up, the VIP inmates would be able to interrogate their ex-criminal cellmates on their prison experiences and crimes - as well as examine the impact the system had on them.' Laudable enough sentiments, one supposed but, as with all of these 'life-swap TV' ideas, it was ultimately doomed to failure and, not an unreasonable amount of ridicule. As previously noted, several times, on this blog - most recently in relation to 2020's risible <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2020/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>Rich Kids Go Skint</b></a> - most years <i>From The North</i>'s annual 'Worst Of' lists seem to include at least one example of this strand of factual telly which is, seemingly, beloved by executives and producers who can't afford an <i>original</i> idea. In which someone from a particular lifestyle is given the opportunity - for a brief time and, presumably, for <i>plenty of money</i> - to experience 'how the other half lives.' This has led to such gross disasters as 2009's offensive horror <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2009/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>The Duchess On The Estate</b></a>, the same year's crass, ignorant Mel B vehicle <b>Seven Days On The Breadline</b> and 2011's genuine curiosity <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2011/12/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>Geordie Finishing School For Girls</b></a> among many others. Quite <i>why</i> executives and producers love this type of programme is unknown since very few of them ever get any sort of audience to speak of. Largely because viewers can usually spot a pile of hypocritical diarrhoea a mile away. Any hint of <i>realpolitik</i> aside, it's possibly because such shows appear to be relatively cheap to make. Most of these formats involve a process known as 'poverty tourism' - as with 2019's wretched <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2019/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html"><b>The British Tribe Next Door</b></a>, for instance. In which people from, let's be charitable and say 'fortunate' backgrounds pretend to be stinking dirt-poor for a week in a living embodiment of the lyrics of Pulp's 'Common People'. Thus, in this particular lousy, calamitous fiasco, 'seven famous faces' agreed to serve (a short amount of) bird alongside ex-convicts at HMP Shrewsbury, a genuine decommissioned prison. Well, five not-particularly famous faces, Sid Owen and some bloke off <b>Gogglebox</b> if we're being honest, here. A couple of Tory MPs (one former), the truly odious Peter Hitchins of the <i>Scum Mail On Sunday</i> and ... a couple of other people you've never heard of also featured. The <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/oct/31/channel4-banged-up-review-all-other-prison-documentaries-look-like-pale-imitations">loved it</a> - although one suspects that was, at least in part, the sheer joy of seeing Horrible Hitchins getting all nervous about being assaulted in the showers by Mister Big, who's '<i>in</i>' with the warders. And, they <i>had</i> a point, to be fair. 'Channel 4 viewers have hailed <b>Banged Up</b> as "one of the best documentaries this year", but some needed to "bleach their eyes" after watching the first episode,' <a href="https://www.entertainmentdaily.com/tv/channel-4-viewers-need-to-bleach-their-eyes-after-watching-documentary-banged-up/">claimed</a> <i>Entertainment Daily</i>. 'John Mercer is a British politician and former British Army officer. He has served as Minister of State for Veterans' Affairs since October 2022. During episode one, he seemed to be permanently sucking a vape and liberally dropped the F-bomb into every other sentence. But there was one particular scene which left viewers gagging into their Earl Grey. Within minutes, the MP was seen smoking contraband tobacco that had been up someone's bum!' It <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12648159/Channel-4-reality-TV-second-series.html">seems</a> that a second series was commissioned before the first had even been shown. The <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> claimed that disgraced and disgraceful former Health Secretary Matt Hancock had been approached to take part but declined. Given that he'd already been sent down for stint in The Joint with Chris Moyles and Seann Walsh on <b>I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want)</b> he probably felt (wrongly) that he'd more than served his debt to society. Despite being quite well-regarded by several media organs, this blogger felt this entire exercise was somewhat pointless and, as with all life-swap TV experiments, <i>very</i> patronising. Though, admittedly, the sight of former MP Neil Parish (whom dear blog readers may remember resigned after being caught watching porn in the Commons on his phone whilst <a href="https://inews.co.uk/news/politics/porn-mp-neil-parish-may-have-been-looking-for-a-claas-dominator-tractor-allies-suggest-1605703">claiming</a>, that he was 'looking for tractors') being forced to, in the <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/banged-up-channel-4-prison-b2439079.html">words</a> of the <i>Independent</i>, 'strip, squat and go behind bars.' Admittedly, that <i>was</i> funny. <br />
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31.<b> Grand Slammers</b><br />
'The Rugby World Cup is on, so it is natural for telly to look back to 2003, when England won the trophy. What sort of light-factual series would be a good commemoration? Fortunately, a relevant bandwagon is already rolling,' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/sep/27/itv-grand-slammers-review-england-rugby-legends-world-cup">suggested</a> the <i>Gruniad</i>. 'Recently, Andrew Flintoff has taught underprivileged kids cricket on the BBC and David Beckham has rescued a youth football team for Disney. So, here was <b>Grand Slammers</b> on ITV, a two-parter in which a gang of World Cup winners teach rugby to prison inmates. An easy commission - but ITV may not have ended up with quite the show it expected.' Yes, dear blog reader, you wait ages for a prison-based celebrity reality series to arrive and then two come along almost at once. 'Tonight, there's gonna be a jailbreak somewhere in this town,' as Thin Lizzy once said. The <i>jail</i>, one imagines. Near unique in being one of the few TV shows ever to get <a href="https://www.rugbyworld.com/news/grand-slammers-review-rwc-winners-prison-show-asks-big-questions-160250">reviewed</a> in <i>Rugby World</i>, <b>Grand Slammers</b> 'started slowly' <a href="https://www.broadcastnow.co.uk/ratings/itvs-grand-slammers-starts-slowly-with-693000/5186377.article">according</a> <i>Broadcast</i>, pulling in an overnight audience of less than but seven hundred thousand punters for its opening episode. The <i>Scum Mail</i>, of course, got <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12558405/Mike-Tindall-surprised-Princess-Anne-Royal-Ascot-filming-new-ITV-reality-Grand-Slammers.html">fascinated</a> due to Mike Tindall's royal connections; nobody else seemed to even notice the thing had been on. Apart from the <a href="https://www.hertfordshiremercury.co.uk/whats-on/whats-on-news/grand-slammers-mount-prison-officer-8782544"><i>Hertfordshire Mercury</i></a>. 'Programmes of this type usually have a self-imposed time limit, to inject some jeopardy. But, in this case, the prison had only given the film-makers five weeks' access,' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/09/27/grand-slammers-itv1-review-mike-tindall-martin-johnson/">said</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. 'Five weeks to fashion a team from a ramshackle bunch with no knowledge of the game is not very long.' Oh, I don't know - watching the two episodes seemed an <i>awfully</i> long time to this blogger.<br />
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32. <b>Survivor</b><br />
There is an - almost certainly apocryphal - <a href="https://www.mediavillage.com/article/where-did-it-all-go-wrong/">story</a> that one night, around 1973, a waiter was delivering champagne and caviar to George Best's hotel room, only to be confronted by the sight of thousands of pounds of casino winnings and the current Miss World lying on the bed next to Bestie, covered only by a fur coat. Legend has it that the man looked at the Manchester United icon, looked at the money, looked at the woman and then said "Georgie, can I ask you a question? <i>Where did it all go wrong</i>?' Which brings us, nicely, to <b>Survivor</b>. 'Anyone expecting a polite, apologetic version of <b>Survivor</b> will be completely surprised,' the Executive Producer behind the BBC's disastrous rebooted reality series <a href="https://deadline.com/2023/10/survivor-bbc-execs-succeed-1235580690/">claimed</a>. Speaking to <i>Deadline</i> a few days prior to launch in late October, Paul Osborne (so, it's <i>his</i> fault) argued that <b>Survivor</b>'s producers have 'leaned into high-production values and high-stakes gameplay 'in a similar vein to the US team behind the EMMY-winning CBS smash. That optimism lasted just long enough until the reviews and the ratings for the opening episode arrived. Then, it was effing <i>carnage</i>. 'Do we <i>really</i> need another formulaic eviction marathon?' <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/10/28/survivor-bbc-one-episode-1-review/">whinged</a> the <i>Torygraph</i>. You'd expect such sentiments from that particular media organ, of course. But when you're a pathetic reality TV show and Gary Bullshit in the <i>Daily Lies</i> is <a href="https://www.dailystar.co.uk/tv/bbc-survivor-predictable--need-31351875">having a go as you</a> ('<b>Survivor</b> is predictable - we need new <b>Only Fools & Horses</b> not reality re-runs') you <i>know</i> you're in trouble. '<b>Survivor</b>'s future on the BBC looks uncertain even though just two episodes have aired, according to new data' <a href="https://www.gbnews.com/celebrity/bbc-survivor-axe-ratings-cancelled-renewed-odds">claimed</a> the - hardly impartial - thuggish right-wing <i>filth</i> at <i>GB News</i>. It was suggested that BBC executives had 'been in crisis talks' due to the underwhelming reception <b>Survivor</b> received. Despite having a lead-in of around seven million <b>Strictly Come Dancing</b> viewers, <b>Survivor</b>'s opening episode only managed to attract an average of 2.6 million overnight punter. The second episode the following evening, which the BBC had moved <b>Planet Earth III</b> in the schedule for, attracted a reported live audience of but two million - less than a repeat of <b>Antiques Roadshow</b> on BBC2 at the same time. However, the BBC said they were 'reserving judgement' and an alleged - though, suspiciously anonymous and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - 'source' allegedly <a href="https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1830768/BBC-Survivor-ratings-flop">told</a> the <i>Daily Scum Express</i>: 'In a world of on-demand viewing, programmes are not judged on overnight performance alone and <i>iPlayer</i> figures are still to come.' Nevertheless, there was said to be genuine anger within the BBC that successful Saturday and Sunday night schedules had been 'messed about with' to accommodate a twenty year old TV format, fronted by worthless numpty Joel Dommett (see above) and, previously, broadcast on the Beeb's commercial rival, ITV. Where, at least, it's crass populism made a kind of sense. An alleged - though, suspiciously anonymous and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - 'insider' allegedly <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12694621/BBCs-Survivor-hosted-Joel-Dommett-struggles-views-30-million-absolute-disaster-Im-bored-already.html">told</a> the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i>: 'It's crazy. BBC1 had a winning Saturday and Sunday night schedule that would have seen it safely through to Christmas - and the panicking bosses just ripped it up to make room for a show that cost so much of licence-payers' money that they could not afford for it to flop. They even moved Sir David Attenborough from his traditional 8pm slot. It is terrible news for the BBC, it is an absolute disaster. It cost a fortune and it is just not appealing to the masses - conversations are now taking place as to what can be done to turn things around, quickly.' The paper also, inevitably, found a few people whinging on social media that they found the new series 'dull' and 'boring' and 'lambasted' the production company, Banijay. 'As a huge <b>Survivor</b> fan, I'm gutted the Beeb has got this series <i>so</i> wrong,' <a href="https://www.entertainmentdaily.com/tv/review-survivor-bbc-one-got-this-series-so-wrong-joel-dommett/">wrote</a> <i>Entertainment Daily</i>'s Helen Fear. 'Host Joel Dommett is just <i>wrong</i> for this show. He needs to drop the dad jokes and the awful puns. Where's the tension?' 'What did these whingeing contestants expect? A lovely trip to Center Parcs [sic]?' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/oct/28/survivor-review-what-did-these-whinging-contestants-expect-a-lovely-trip-to-center-parcs">added</a> the <i>Gruniad</i>. At the time of writing the BBC say they have yet to make any decision on whether the series will return and, in a way, one would rather like it to do that just to prove <i>GB News</i>, the <i>Daily Scum Express</i> and the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> wrong. But in another, far more rational, way - as a licence fee payer who'd rather this hard earned sickness benefits weren't spent on this abject bollocks - the question <i>needs</i> to be asked. Where <i>did</i> it all go wrong? <br />
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33. <b>Jacob Rees-Mogg's State Of The Nation</b> <br />
It's Jacob Rees-Mogg on <i>GB News</i>. Need one say more? <br />
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34. <b>Charlotte In Sunderland</b><br />
The second series of this truly risible vehicle for Mackem 'entrepreneur and reality TV personality', former <b>Geordie Shore</b>-type individual Charlotte Crosby was every bit as annoying and worthless as the first. It <i>is</i>, however, comforting to know that in this ever-changing world in which we live in (that line doesn't make sense, incidentally, Sir Paul), some things remain <i>reliably wretched</i>. Surely, even the patrons at The Stadium Of Shite wouldn't be seen dead watching this nonsense? If <b>I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want)</b> represents the top four of the Premier League in terms of reality TV formats then this ... thing, like a small Wearside association football club, is stuck mid-table in The Championship and going nowehere, fast. <br />
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35. <b>That's My Jam</b> <br />
This blogger watched an episode of BBC Three's <b>That's My Jam</b> expecting, as the title had suggested, that it would be all about <i>From The North</i> favourite Paul Weller's 1970s Mod/Power-Pop trio and all of the bangin' tunes they had hits with. But, it wasn't. And, as a consequence, this blogger was <i>really</i> cross and discombobulated. Note: It didn't have anything to do with Robertson's either (other jams and marmalades <i>are</i> available). So, clearly, the Office Of Fair Trading needs to have a look at this programme under the 1972 Trades Description's Act. Just sayin'. <br />
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<br />
<i>From The North</i>'s Award For The Most Ludicrous & <i>Insulting</i> TV News Moment Of The Year - <br />
<br />
This occurred in October when <b>Sky News</b> anchor Mark Austin, who was on the ground in Jerusalem, abruptly stopped the broadcaster's rolling coverage of the Israel-Hamas conflict to <a href="https://www.msn.com/en-xl/news/other/sky-news-faces-backlash-for-announcing-holly-willoughby-s-exit-amid-israel-hamas-conflict/ar-AA1i1TaK">report</a> on what was, clearly, a <i>much</i> more important piece of breaking news, the announcement of Holly Willoughby's departure from <b>This Morning</b>. The fact that Austin, a genuinely respected TV journalist, didn't look even slightly embarrassed as he did this was what made it <i>art</i>. Long-term <i>From The North</i> dear blog readers may recall <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2019/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">the Mark Kermodian-style rant</a> this blogger did in 2019 regarding <b>The Jeremy Kyle Show</b> and how that <i>abomination</i> trivialised and tabloidised everyone and <i>everything</i> it touched, including its audience. Well, as an example of the frequently crass tabloid trivialisation of much (though, thankfully, not all) news coverage on British television in the Twenty First Century, <i>this </i>abomination was worthy of and yet, at the same time, <i>beyond</i> parody. An online suggestion that the next general erection will take place live from the <b>I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want)</b> jungle with a public text vote on whether That Awful Braverman Woman will be forced to take a dip in the gunk tank to retain her seat in the Commons cannot, at this time, be entirely ruled out. Especially if someone from <b>Sky News</b> read that and thought, 'you know what, <i>that's</i> actually not a bad idea.' We live in sorrowful times, dear blog reader. <br />
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<br />
<i>From The North</i>'s Award For The Most Disgraceful <i>GB News</i> Moment Of The Year (And, There Were <i>Many</i>) - <br />
<br />
From lots and lots of potential winners of this cruel and catastrophic category, the events of 26 September pretty much kicked all of the opposition into the bin. Appearing on that evening's edition of <b>Tonight With Dan Wootton</b>, notorious heedbanging <i>nut-job</i> Laurence Fox asked 'what self-respecting man' would 'climb into bed' with the journalist and political commentator Ava Evans. Both Fox and Wootton (remember <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2011/07/remember-their-views-are-not-gospel.html">the latter</a> from the disgraced and disgraceful <i>Scum of the World</i> where he was 'showbusiness editor') were <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-66932538">immediately suspended</a> by the scummy right-wing broadcaster over this heinous, misogynistic sexist gittery. Ofcom launched an investigation after receiving over eight thousand complaints, while the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-66952284">terminated</a> its contract with Wootton, who wrote a twice-weekly column for them with instant effect. (Wootton's <i>Scum Mail</i> column had, previously, been paused anyway regarding 'a series of allegations' <a href="https://pressgazette.co.uk/media_law/guardian-and-mirror-take-down-dan-wootton-story-after-legal-warning/">relating to other matters entirely</a>.) <i>GB News</i>'s CEO, Angelos Frangopoulo, told the BBC that Fox's comments about Evans were 'way past the limits of acceptance' (no shit?) Fox grovelingly apologised for his asinine comments two days later, <a href="https://news.sky.com/story/laurence-fox-apologises-to-ava-evans-over-comments-on-gb-news-12971909">describing</a> them as 'demeaning' and 'not representative of who I am.' When, in fact, anyone who's heard just about <i>anything</i> Fox has had to say on near enough <i>any</i> subject over the last few years (since Billie left him and he went <i>completely</i> off the deep end) may well feel that these comments represent <i>exactly</i> whom Laurence Fox is. To think, he used to be a <i>From The North</i> favourite when he was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/my-long-sickness-of-health-living-now.html">so good in <b>Lewis</b></a>. Then again, so was Morrissey before he, too, went mental. Calvin Robinson, who presented a religious affairs programme for <i>GB News</i>, became the third presenter in three days to be suspended by the channel after throwing himself on his own sword when <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/calvin-robinson-gb-news-suspende-fox-wootton-b2421044.html">voicing his support for Wootton</a> online. Robinson blustered that 'if he falls, we <i>all</i> fall.' Needless to say, within a week, they all <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67009045">did</a>, indeed, fall. The channel also confirmed the investigation into Wootton was 'still ongoing' (and, at the time of writing, it remains so). In response, Fox whinged: '<i>GB News</i> had one opportunity and that opportunity was to stand up and defend free speech, which they haven't done, so I think now as they brand themselves the home of free speech, they're actually the home of cancel culture.' His contrition, shame and sorrow for his offensive 'not who I am' comments having lasted all of six days, it would appear. Meanwhile, <a href="https://bylinetimes.com/2023/10/02/five-gb-news-men-accused-of-sexual-impropriety-as-channel-engulfed-by-wootton-fox-misogyny-storm/">reports</a> surfaced that <i>GB News</i> was employing 'at least five people' who had previously faced allegations of sexual impropriety, including one accused of rape. Soon afterwards, the Welsh Conservative leader Andrew RT Davies appeared on Nigel Farage's <i>GB News</i> programme, later facing <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-politics-67227069">criticism</a> from a senior Welsh Government minister for 'appalling misogyny' when suggesting that Senedd Convenor Elin Jones was too 'busy doing her hair' to appear on the programme. Then, two days later, <i>GB News</i> <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67242822">announced</a> that they had hired now extremely former Prime Minister Sacked Bashing Boris to present a series 'showcasing the power of Britain around the world.' The channel has been found to have breached Ofcom's standards on several occasions and, as of August 2023, was the subject of <a href="https://news.sky.com/story/ofcom-launches-four-new-investigations-into-gb-news-programmes-over-due-impartiality-12935572">seven ongoing investigations</a> into its compliance with Ofcom's due impartiality rules. In November, Ofcom chairman Michael Grade <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67396474">told the BBC</a> that the regulator did not 'want to be in the business of telling broadcasters, licensees, who they can [and] who they can't employ.' Which very much begs the question of what, exactly, Ofcom (a politically-appointed quango, elected by <i>no one</i>) is <i>for</i>, if not to do <i>exactly</i> that. In the same week, former Channel 4 journalist Michael Crick <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/news/londoners-diary/gb-news-michael-crick-boris-johnson-b1118439.html">spoke</a> to former <i>From The North</i> favourite and now, absurd conspiracist <i>loon</i> Scottish Neil Oliver (and his lovely hair), discussing freedom of speech. During his appearance, Crick said that Ofcom should regulate <i>GB News</i> for being politically biased, adding: 'I've been fighting bias in television for a very long time and it's one of the reasons I left <b>Channel 4 News</b>, because I thought it was left-wing biased. I think Ofcom, which is one of the weakest institutions on the planet, should get a grip on you lot. It's absurd that you have Tory MP, after Tory MP, after Tory MP, two leaders of the Brexit Party [as hosts] and hardly any Labour MPs - you are a right-wing channel and the rules in this country are very clear.' Crick was then, <a href="https://inews.co.uk/news/journalist-ejected-gb-news-discussion-free-speech-right-wing-bias-2733996">reportedly</a>, 'abruptly removed' from the studio, as the channel went to an advert break. When the show returned, Oliver said that he was 'very disappointed about the sequence of events that just unfolded. The last thing I want to see during a conversation between grown-ups about censorship is that conversation being brought abruptly to a close by others. That's the situation in which I find myself, I don't stand by censorship.' In a later discussion, Oliver characterised the situation as 'a discussion about censorship being censored.' Oh, the dramatic irony. <i>GB News</i> - the, self-styled, 'home of free speech' (unless it's free speech that they disagree with of course, in which case, nah, not so much). Crick later described <i>GB News</i> as a 'right-wing propaganda channel.' Yes, Michael, we've <i>all</i> noticed. <br />
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<br />
<i>From The North</i>'s Award For The Most Sickeningly Sycophantic TV Interview Of The Year - <br />
<br />
ITV broadcast <b>Harry: The Interview</b>, a distressingly inept ninety five-minute <i>slurpfest</i> on 8 January in which the Ginger Ninja talked to a fawning Tom Bradby ahead of the release of his autobiography, <i>Spare</i>, two days later. <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/entertainment/harry-interview-ratings-happy-valley-newsupdate/">According</a> to <i>Deadline</i>, the programme was watched by an average audience of 4.1 million who didn't have anything better to do with their time. But, it was, very satisfyingly, beaten in the overnight ratings by episode two of the third series of <b>Happy Valley</b> on BBC1 (see above), which drew a live audience of 5.2 million. Critical reaction to <b>Harry: The Interview</b> was, of course, entirely based on certain agendas being pushed by particular media organs. But, overall, the general consensus was '<i>what a right load of old effing toot</i>!' Julie Burchill <a href="https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/the-trouble-with-prince-harry/">wrote</a> in <i>The Spectator</i>: 'Though Harry talks a lot about "growth", this was a portrait of a lost young man for whom the getting of wisdom is about as likely as Meghan serving up a Full English ... for breakfast.' The <i>Independent</i>'s reviewer was <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/prince-harry-time-magazine-meghan-markle-b2257821.html">sympathetic</a> towards Harry and his wife's alleged grievances concerning the press, but believed they do not 'appear to understand how the media works' adding: 'They seem to think the House of Windsor rules rather than reigns. They are wrong in claiming that the rest of the family and the Buckingham Palace staff have ever been in any position to do anything about the media, or indeed, to answer Harry's charge more directly, to control any leaking from various royal households.' The same newspaper also <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/harry-the-interview-review-spare-b2258173.html">described</a> it as 'Prince Harry's latest primetime moan' and that Bradby does not 'leave a boot unlicked... It is a level of sycophancy typical of a product that is stage-managed and unchallenging from start to finish.' The <i>Grunad Morning Star</i> stopped inches short of crying 'Viva The Revolution! But first, <i>vegan quiche</i>' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/jan/08/harry-the-interview-review-so-horribly-sad-it-could-have-turned-the-queen-anti-monarchy">finding</a> Harold 'charming' and 'articulate' and predicted that 'his story will appeal to the younger demographic.' Well, so does <b>Teletubbies</b>, your point being ...? <i>The Times</i> was one of several newspapers that <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/prince-harry-itv-interview-review-b9d2z7r92">questioned</a> exactly what the <i>purpose</i> of the interview was and wondered 'when this whingeing will stop? Okay, we heard him say repeatedly that he wants "accountability", whatever <i>that</i> means, but what's the endgame in hanging all this dirty family washing on the line? Revenge? Reconciliation? Your own regular slot on <b>Loose Women</b>?' Unsurprisingly, in the <i>Torygraph</i>, That Awful Singh Woman <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/royal-family/2023/01/08/harry-interview-itv-strong-interview-unpleasant-watch/">argued</a> that despite Harry's claims of being in 'a good headspace' he came over as 'furious, defensive and just plain sad.' Two months later, <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/south-park-prince-harry-meghan-markle-full-episode-b2290152.html">an episode of </a><b><a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/south-park-prince-harry-meghan-markle-full-episode-b2290152.html">South Park</a> </b>would, brilliantly, parody Harry ('royal prince, millionaire, world traveller, victim') and his wife ('sorority girl, actress, influencer, victim') and their claims that they wish for 'privacy' whilst accepting any TV interview they can get (so long as <i>they</i> get the right to the final edit before transmission). In response to Harry's claim that he and his missus had <i>not</i> accused his family of racism during their interview with Oprah Winfrey the previous year and it was the press who had created that narrative, <b>Good Morning Britain</b> host Richard Madeley <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/richard-madeley-harry-racism-gmb-b2258762.html">criticised</a> the couple for allowing the press to run with the story and not correcting it. Still, for all that, <b>Harry: The Interview</b> wasn't anywhere <i>near</i> the twenty four carat telly car-crash that Hazza's Uncle Andy <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/uk-50447028/page/4">suffered</a> in 2019, so one imagines he and Meghan are taking <i>that</i> as a win. <br />
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<br />
<i>From The North</i>'s TV Curiosity Of The Year -<br />
<br /><b>The Coronation Of King Charles III</b>. <br />
<i>From The North</i>'s coverage of the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">death of the late Queen</a> last year, hopefully, established the blogger's 'I can take 'em or leave 'em, frankly' attitude towards royalty. Except for Prince Andrew, obviously. He's a <i>fucker</i>. Therefore, with Mad Frankie Boyle's Channel 4 documentary <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/apr/30/frankie-boyles-farewell-to-the-monarchy-review-looks-like-hes-blown-his-chance-of-an-obe"><b>Farewell To The Monarchy</b></a> (which was actually far more balanced than this blogger expected even if, as the <i>Gruniad</i> noted, Mad Frankie looks to have blown his chance of an OBE any time soon) fresh in the mind it was time for twelve hours of televised <i>bling</i>. 'Immaculately rehearsed, touching and Shakespearean' <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/may/07/the-coronation-review-immaculately-rehearsed-touching-and-shakespearean">wrote</a> Michael Billington in the <i>Gruniad</i>. 'All-access coverage captures [the] grandeur - but Republicanism nowhere to be seen,' <a href="https://www.nationalworld.com/culture/television/kings-coronation-tv-review-all-access-coverage-a-privelede-4133166">added</a> <i>National World</i>. Which was hardly surprising - I mean, few Luddites were ever invited to a 'bring your own sabot' Machine-Smashing party for all the family at the local factory back in the day. As this blogger <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">noted</a> when watching one of 2022's 'TV Curiosities Of The Year', <b>The Proclamation Of The King</b>, this blogger recalled something said shortly after That Awful Thatcher Woman's funeral took place at Westminster Abbey in 2013. A lot of people - this blogger very much included - were being rather arch, cynical and sneering about the somewhat Over-The-Top pomp and ceremony involved in that particular event. But, on that week's episode of <b>Have I Got News For You</b>, the King of the Cynics, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbXQWqZ2RvA">Ian Hislop</a>, said something which really struck Keith Telly Topping. Hizza noted that 'ceremony' and 'tradition' are both things that we actually do <i>really well</i> in Britain. We've got all these beautiful buildings and people with spectacular uniforms and daft titles (Gold Stick In Waiting, <i>et cetera</i>) and, it's stupid not to use them once in a while. So, for <a href="https://www.bbc.com/mediacentre/articles/2023/bbc-how-to-watch-the-coronation-and-coronation-concert">the first televised Coronation since 1953</a> (and, only the second ever), we got the full chocolate cake with fancy decorations. Especially as it was in <i>colour</i> this time around. The BBC provided the sole feed in Ultra-High-Definition. Overall, the Beeb used seven outside broadcast trucks and over one hundred cameras. They also suspended the licence fee for the weekend so that venues could screen the Coronation and the Coronation concert the following day, without needing to buy a television licence. Meaning, one didn't have to <i>pay</i> to watch Olly Murs, which <i>was</i> a blessing. The Coronation ceremony itself was viewed by an average television audience of 18.8 million across eleven channels, with a peak audience of 20.4 million, making it - by a distance - the most-watched broadcast of the year. The BBC showed the event simultaneously on BBC1, BBC2 and the BBC News Channel and its <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/tv-radio/king-charles-coronation-viewing-figures-b2334321.html">peak audience</a> of 15.5 million was the largest for any broadcaster. As usual when it goes head-to-head with the BBC at a major event (the World Cup, for example), ITV got its arse well and truly kicked in the ratings, with but <i>three</i> million viewers. Plus points: It was a significant technical achievement for the BBC. Lots of people watched it and, seemingly, rather enjoyed it. The ludicrous suggestion that viewers at home should 'join in' with <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/apr/30/minister-defends-offensive-coronation-day-oath-to-king-charles">the Oath of Allegiance</a> was quite brilliantly parodied by <i>From The North</i> favourite Simon Mayo who countered that, instead, we should all do <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHHu14ihFbM">the oath from <i>School Of Rock</i></a> ('I pledge allegiance to the band of Mister Schneebly and will not fight him for creative <i>con-trowle</i>!') And, of course, King Chas <i>finally</i> got to sit on his old mum's throne after all those years. Good things, it would seem, really <i>do</i> come to he who waits. On the minus side: It cost a <i>shitload</i> of money that could probably have been better spent helping the poorest in this country with the current cost of living crisis. Anyone who even <i>looked</i> like they were going to (peacefully) protest in the vicinity of the Abbey got their collars felt by Old Bill in an avalanche of the most furiously over-zealous policing since ... the last time The Met were furiously over-zealous. And, perhaps most importantly, about two-thirds of the country displayed a noteworthy apathy and didn't bother watching any of it. Not because they felt particularly strongly about any aspect of the monarchy's role (or lack of it) in modern society. More because they simply had better things to do with their time. <br />
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And, on <i>that</i> bombshell, dear blog readers, <i>From The North</i>'s annual awards for the 'Best' and 'Worst' TV shows <i>will</i> return in 2024. If this blogger survives another twelve months of his ongoing medical shenanigans, of course. <br />
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</div></div></div></div></div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-52257929176129518802023-11-23T17:20:00.009+00:002023-11-24T14:24:38.955+00:00Sixty<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms time is, once more, upon us dearest blog fiends. Keith Telly Topping welcomes you all to his humble Fortress of Solitude where you can, as usual, hear him whinge at length about his rotten bad back and admire all the scenery. Some things, it would seem, never change. <br />
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Exactly sixty years ago this very week, the greatest TV format in the history of the medium (bar <i>none</i>) began on the BBC to brighten up a drab, miserable rainy November Saturday evening in Britain (as the nation collectively mourned some bloke on The Grassy Knoll getting off a lucky shot). We all needed a bit of cheering up that evening and, by heavens, didn't we just get it, though? But, enough about <a href="https://genome.ch.bbc.co.uk/schedules/service_bbc_television_service/1963-11-23"><b>The Chars</b> starring Elsie and Doris Waters</a>, much has already been said and written. There was also some old toot about a madman in a box which started that night, apparently. Wonder whatever happened to <i>that</i> nonsense. <br />
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Yes, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Toppping <i>has</i> told that exact joke before (exactly <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/dig-slowness-in-empty-gestures.html">one year ago, to be precise</a>). Just as he has also, previously, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-day-of-doctor-fifty-ways-to-love.html">explained in great detail</a> what went on with the other great love of his life that very afternoon in 1963 (a three-one win at home to Manchester City as it happens). Repetition is the highest form of comedy. Repetition is the highest form of comedy. Repetition ... <br />
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Meanwhile, across town at The City Hall ... A <i>very</i> severe spanking with a wet plimsole will be awarded to anyone suggesting they'd've only gone to see Peter Jay & The Jaywalkers and left during the interval before all the screaming started. <br />
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Did you know, dear blog readers ... <br />
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Mind you, this blogger <i>still</i> isn't sure about the casting for the rumoured reboot of <b>Last Of The Summer Wine</b>. <br />
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Next, this blogger wishes to point all dear blog readers in the direction of one of his favourite history vloggers, the delightful Jenny Draper and a fine exemplar proving that <i>You Tube</i> isn't <i>just</i> for videos of cat playing pianos, Americans reacting the 'weird British stuff', opinionated chaps telling you what's wrong with football these days and opiniated chaps telling you what's wrong with <b>Doctor Who</b> these days. Oh, dear me, no. It's also an excellent tool for <i>Debunking Boomer Meme</i> myths. Of which there are <i>thousands</i>. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQsMj9bLZyI"><i>This</i></a>, dear blog reader, is how you take down crass, unsubstantiated, historically-inaccurate claims that, to paraphrase the late Freddie Trueman, 'it weren't like that in t'maaaa day.' Millennial dear blog readers be advised; you <i>must</i> not become like us terrible old farts. Cash-in your intergenerational envy today and use the coupon code 'Health & Safety Gone Mad' for a free 'I'm Woke & Effing Proud Of It' t-shirt. Good on ya. <br />
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Them Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them), on the back of suddenly being <a href="https://www.billboard.com/music/chart-beat/the-beatles-red-and-blue-albums-billboard-chart-return-1235509918/">Toppermost of the Poppermost</a> all over again have <a href="https://www.nme.com/news/music/the-beatles-launch-official-christmas-jumper-3545603">launched</a> an 'official' Christmas jumper ahead of the festive season. Oh, Apple - you <i>kill</i> me. And this blogger means quite literally. Oi, put yer shoes on, Macca, it's snowing - you'll get chilblains. <br />
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So, dear blog reader, at 5:15pm on 23 November 1963, the first episode of <b>Doctor Who</b> was broadcast on the BBC. You probably knew <i>that</i>. Exactly sixty years on, the show is celebrating its diamond anniversary with three new hour-long specials starting this very weekend. You might have also heard about those. For many fans, they will be particularly special because they feature the return of David Tennant, who left the series in 2010. His Doctor has, arguably, been the most popular with audiences since the show returned in 2005 (albeit, not with this blogger's fiend Jan who gurns at the very mention of his name. But, she likes Matt Smith so that's all right). 'To get to return to something that meant so much fifteen years ago and was such a huge part of my life, was something I never really imagined was likely,' <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67498029">said</a> national heartthrob David. 'To be The Doctor again, what a treat!' He's joined once again on-screen by Catherine Tate's Donna Noble. Again, you've probably heard about that, too. Viewers familiar with her storyline will know that The Doctor wiped her memory, warning her family that if she ever remembered him, she would die. 'Being back on-set with Catherine of course, we had such a great time all those years ago,' Tennant added. 'A lot of the team were back together, it felt very, very familiar.' For many, Big Rusty coming back to oversee the show was an even bigger surprise than Tennant's return. Since leaving <b>Doctor Who</b> in 2010, he's written a variety of acclaimed dramas, most notably 2021's <b>It's A Sin</b> for Channel 4. His previous time on <b>Doctor Who</b> was so successful - does he feel some nervousness because of the weight of such audience expectation? 'I know what you mean,' Rusty replies. 'People said to me, can lightning strike twice? But actually, if you stand in the middle of a storm, and hold up a great big piece of metal, lightning does strike you twice. All this show needs is to be good, to be fun, to be well cast, to be exciting, to be brilliant. And that's really missing in the schedules, I think, at the moment. I dare not say I'm confident. But I'm proud of what we've done. And I hope it works.' <br />
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When it was first announced that David Tennant and Catherine Tate would be returning to <b>Doctor Who</b> for its sixtieth anniversary, fans' minds started racing - when were these new episodes going to be set? How did they fit into the already-established timeline? How could The Doctor and Donna be back together given the events of <i>The End Of Time</i>? Many of those questions were answered during Jodie Whittaker's final episode, <i>The Power Of The Doctor</i>, in which her Doctor regenerated (or, possibly, degenerated) into David Tennant, confirming that he would be playing the Fourteenth Doctor, rather than the Tenth (or, tenth-and-a-half counting the one currently living in an alternate universe with Rose Tyler). However, it seems this wasn't always going to be the case, as David revealed to <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults) that Russell Davies originally planned for a flashback episode starring Tennant and Tate, set during series four. David <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-david-tennant-flashback-newsupdate/">explained</a>: 'It would have been an unseen adventure from years before. Russell immediately had an idea for a story, which I'm not going to mention because I don't think it's yet seen the light of day. It certainly wouldn't have been part of an ongoing story. But I hope one day he does use it, because it sounded great.' Speaking with <i>SFX</i> recently, David also <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/david-tennant-doctor-who-return-future-newsupdate/">admitted</a> that it would be 'disingenuous to imagine that I might never be asked [to play The Doctor] again, because history would indicate that it was always a possibility. I’m not going to say never, because I don't think anyone would believe me. That doesn't mean I know that I ever will. But I suppose until I can't run down a corridor, it's always a possibility. But I promise to have no plans.' <br />
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Viewers <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67457865">got their first sight</a> of the second coming of national heartthrob David in a five minute sketch broadcast as part of the BBC's annual <b>Children In Need</b> telethon on Friday 17 November (which may, or may not, have been called <i>Destination Skaro</i>). <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfLtAdSgWPQ">The clip</a> saw Tennant accidentally crashing his TARDIS at the genesis of the Daleks its very self (or, <i>a</i> genesis of the Daleks its very self, anyway) in something of a regenerative fog. <b>Children In Need</b> reportedly raised over thirty three million knicker for charrridee. This blogger thought the mini-episode was rather good fun although, apparently, some <b>Doctor Who</b> fans have got their knickers right in a twist over whether or not it contradicts elements of a story first broadcast forty eight years ago. <b>Doctor Who</b> fans 'getting their knickers right in a twist', dear blog reader? I know, right. What <i>were</i> the chances? As usual for some it was a straight toss-up between which do you find the <i>most</i> offensive; someone finding something that you don't, personally, offensive. Or, someone reacting to someone find something that you don't, personally, offensive and getting offended by <i>that</i>? There's the Twenty First Century for you in that one conundrum, dear blog reader. As this blogger wrote on <i>Facebook</i>: 'So, if I've understood this correctly (and please do let me know if I've got it wrong) "A man making a television show I like has done something that I <i>don't</i> like (for charrrridee). And so I intend to whinge, loudly, about it to anyone willing to listen. And, indeed, anyone that isn't." Wheel turns, civilisations rise ...' <br />
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This blogger would also like to congratulate one James Gregory from the <i>BBC News</i> website who felt it <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67457865">necessary to explain to BBC readers</a>: 'Much like James Bond, the <b>Doctor Who</b> role is passed on from actor to actor, thus continuing the franchise. At the end of an actor's tenure as The Doctor, the character "regenerates" with somebody else then taking on the extra-terrestrial role.' <i>Really</i>? No shit? How have any of us managed to get through life this far without <i>that</i> knowledge? <br />
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Good old Mad-As-Toast Tom Baker has spoken about 'avoiding' other <b>Doctor Who</b> actors. Tom, of course, played the fourth Time Lord from 1974 to 1981 (you knew <i>that</i>, right?) and is considered 'by many' (<a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/doctor-who-tom-baker-contempt-b2451462.html">according</a> to the <i>Independent</i>, if not a source somewhat more reliable) 'to be one of the best incarnations of the Doctor.' Not considered to be <i>the</i> best, please note, but 'one of'. Given that there's only been fourteen of them to date (and, one of those was Colin Baker), there was also goingh to be a fair chance Mad Tom would be <i>one of</i> the most popular. Anyway, in <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-tom-baker-ncuti-gatwa-reaction-newsupdate/">a new interview</a> with <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults), Mad Tom said: 'I avoid them, you know. Not with any malice. A degree of contempt, perhaps but mildly, mildly contemptuous.' And, of course, many newspaper under the sun (although, interestingly enough, <i>not</i> the <i>Sun</i> itself) then had a clickbait headline which suggested 'war amongst The Doctors.' Take, for instance, the <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/showbiz/doctor-who-tom-baker-matt-smith-russell-t-davis-david-tennant-ncuti-gatwa-b1121722.html"><i>Evening Standard</i></a>. And, the <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/11/21/tom-baker-mildly-contemptuous-other-doctor-who-actors/"><i>Torygraph</i></a>. And, the <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/doctor-who-legend-tom-baker-31486575"><i>Daily Mirra</i></a>. And <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/tom-baker-admits-mild-contempt-doctor-who-successors_uk_655c864be4b0c0333bed6b20"><i>HuffPost UK</i></a>. Mad Tom did take a moment out from bad-mouthing his successors (and, by implication, predecessors) to give his reaction to seeing a photo of Ncuti Gatwa for the this time: 'Oh! Is <i>this</i> the next Doctor Who? A handsome young man! Marvellous cheekbones. These things are important as you get near to death.' Asked whether he felt as though there was anything Ncuti should know going into the leading role, Mad Tom replied: 'Knowing anything is a bit dangerous when you play Doctor Who. It's better to know nothing. And to be good-natured. The trick is to respond generously to other actors, which halves your task because you don't have to be driving it all the time.'<br />
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There is a fascinating interview with Big Rusty in the latest <i>The Big Issue</i> discussing issues as diverse as queer representation and the demographics that the <b>Doctor Who</b> format attracts which you can read, <a href="https://www.bigissue.com/culture/tv/russell-t-davies-doctor-who-david-tennant-interview/">here</a>. There are also extensive pieces on various aspects of the return of the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama in (big intake of breath and in no particular order), the <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/doctor-who-age-restriction-kids-b2451897.html"><i>Independent</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-russell-t-davies-david-tennant-specials-newsupdate/"><i>Radio Times</i></a> (which used to be run by adults), <a href="https://ew.com/doctor-who-david-tennant-russell-t-davies-joyous-return-60th-anniversary-mini-season-8405839"><i>Entertainment Weekly</i></a> and the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/nov/17/russell-t-davies-doctor-who-david-tennant-new-series-bbc-ncuti-gatwa"><i>Gruniad Morning Star</i></a>. Another piece in the <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/features/doctor-who-60-best-episodes-bbc-b2451046.html"><i>Independent</i></a> (by one of their better TV reviewers, Michael Horan) lists the author's favourite sixty 'episodes' (by which he means serials) in the show's sixty year history. It's actually quite a decent list featuring (rightly) <i>nothing</i> from Colin Baker, more than you'd expect from Pat Troughton and, to this blogger's great surprise and delight, Keith Telly Topping's own favourite <b>Doctor Who</b> serial, <i>The Aztecs</i>. Jolly good work, Michael (you should've had <i>Kinda</i> on the list, though). <br />
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There have also been - one imagines, spoiler-free - reviews of the opening episode, <i>The Star Beast</i> in (another deep breath), <a href="https://www.inverse.com/entertainment/doctor-who-review-the-star-beast-60th-anniversary-special"><i>Inverse</i></a> ('absolutely ludicrous in the best possible way'), the <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-the-star-beast-review/"><i>Radio Times</i></a> ('Saturday night magic is back'), <a href="https://collider.com/doctor-who-the-star-beast-review/"><i>Collider</i></a> ('a delightful adventure'), the <a href="https://www.heyuguys.com/doctor-who-the-star-beast-review/"><i>HeyUGuys</i></a> website ('a hoot') and <a href="https://www.gamesradar.com/doctor-who-60th-anniversary-special-star-beast-review/"><i>Games Radar</i></a> ('an exciting start to the sixtieth anniversary'). Dear blog readers <i>are</i> warned that whilst these five reviews contain little in the way of actual, proper 'spoilers' they <i>are</i> all, nevertheless, discussing an episode that you haven't seen yet and so may reveal something you don't know and don't wish to know in advance. Therefore, if you check any of them out and end up finding out something before watching the episode that you'd have sooner not have known, don't blame anyone but yourself for being a nosy parker! <br />
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The <b>Doctor Who</b> production team have teased fans with first - albeit, <i>very</i> brief - look at footage of Ncuti Gatwa with new companion Millie Gibson in a new online video. Until now, viewers have only seen photos of the forthcoming duo. However, the BBC treated fans to a short clip of the two in an upcoming scene on anniversary day, Thursday <a href="https://twitter.com/bbcdoctorwho/status/1727673623505174969">on <i>X</i></a>. In the minute long assemblage (<i>Sixty Years In Sixty Seconds</i>) after speeding through the fourteen previous <b>Doctor Who</b> actors (including, beautifully, both Jo Martin <i>and</i> John Hurt), the last few seconds sees Ncuti and Millie in character. Thus, marking the next chapter of this - sixty years and counting - ongoing adventure.<br />
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Russell Davies has reveals when at least one of <b>Doctor Who</b>'s fifteenth series episodes will be broadcast. 'If I sound a bit hyper, it's because I just this morning delivered a <b>Doctor Who</b> script that will be on-air in May 2025,' Davies <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-season-15-episodes-russell-t-davies-newsupdate/">said</a>. 'And it's brand new. It does things we've never done before. The writing really pushed me. It's such a mad episode, I had to deliver it with a diagram explaining what's going on! I've never had to do that in my entire life before.' If this blogger had to bet on when the new series will begin, he'd put a couple of pence on it being either Saturday 30 March 2024 or the following Saturday, 6 April. But, he's been wrong before. Not infrequently, either. <br />
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'Russell T Davies is bringing the first-ever Doctor Who back from the dead in the upcoming series,' <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/doctor-who-legend-brought-back-31458368">reported</a> the <i>Daily Mirra</i> (somewhat tastelessly - and, as it turned out, completely inaccurately - but then, this <i>is</i> the <i>Mirra</i> we're talking about. They were a much more accurate newspaper when they hacked people's phones for stories). 'The showrunner has used technical wizardry worthy of a Time Lord to create scenes featuring William Hartnell, who died in 1975, alongside Ncuti Gatwa,' this piece of ... whatever the opposite of well-written journalism is alleged. 'As he was honoured by <i>GQ</i> magazine at the Men of the Year ceremony, Ncuti revealed: "It has been a crazy year. I shouldn't say this but I shot a scene, somehow, with the first-ever Doctor, William Hartnell. We end up in the same scene together at some point. To see that history - now a Black man as The Doctor! It was just very wild."' <br />
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As it turned out, the sequence that Ncuti was referring to was <i>not</i> part of the new series but was, in fact, an updating of <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2013/11/an-adventure-in-space-and-time-have-you.html"><b>An Adventure In Space & Time</b></a> which received a very welcome repeat, broadcast on 23 November on BBC4 in which he replaced the brief appearance of Matt Smith in the original. So, technically speaking, it wasn't Willian Hartnell Ncuti was (sort-of) interacting with but, rather, David Bradley. But, hey, that's close enough! Of course its author, Mark Gatiss, said at the time of <b>An Adventure In Space & Time</b>'s first showing, in 2013, that the sequence in question had been specifically designed so that future Doctors could be sampled into that scene with ease to keep the acclaimed docudrama on the creation of <b>Doctor Who</b> current. And, indeed, <a href="https://www.doctorwhotv.co.uk/an-adventure-in-space-and-time-2023-version-adds-ncuti-gatwa-99376.htm">Ncuti fitted in <i>perfectly</i></a> and it was a genuinely touching moment. <i>Tasty</i> treads, too! So, there you go, dear blog readers, technically speaking our first glimpse of Ncuti Gatwa's Doctor <i>in costume</i> wasn't, actually, in <b>Doctor Who</b> itself. One of trivia buffs of the future! <br />
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<b>An Adventure In Space & Time (Redux 2.0)</b> was broadcast as part of a BBC Four <b>Doctor Who</b>-themed evening which also included the <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-67499965">much-anticipated showing of <b>The Daleks In Colour</b></a>. Which got <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/2023/11/23/doctor-who-the-daleks-in-colour-bbc-four-review/">a properly glowing review</a> from the <i>Torygraph</i>; in which, we will just have to try hard to forgive Tristram Fane Saunders for his use of the hateful 'w' word. The <i>Daily Mirra</i> - if not a source more reliable - <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/bbc-doctor-who-fans-could-31466573">has suggested</a> this could be the first of a whole series of <b>Doctor Who</b> colourisations of 1960s material. It must be said, all cynicism aside dear blog reader, that <b>The Daleks In Colour</b> <i>did</i> look absolutely effing <i>gorgeous</i>. <br />
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Even if there was something of a pink overload in it. (Skaro has never struck this blogger as the sort of place to tolerate too much pink, Ms Wright!) <br />
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The final forty seconds of <b>The Daleks In Colour</b>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TirxRkkr5mY"><i>And then, the story continues ... for sixty years</i></a> was so utterly, magnificently, marvellous brilliant that it gave this blogger <i>The Horn</i>. There's not a lot of TV which can manage <i>that</i> these days, dear blog reader. Truth be told, there's not a lot of <i>anything</i> that can manage that these days. <br />
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Hugh Bonneville and <i>From The North</i> favourite Karen Gillan <a href="https://www.comedy.co.uk/tv/news/7631/hugh-bonneville-karen-gillan-star-in-douglas-is-cancelled/">are to star</a> in a new ITVX comedy drama 'about cancel culture' written by The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE). To be broadcast next year, <b>Douglas Is Cancelled</b> will be The Moff's first television comedy in two decades. Filming begins shortly in London on the four-part series. It will be directed by <b>The Inbetweeners</b>' Ben Palmer and co-star Ben Miles, Nick Mohammed and Simon Russell Beale. Bonneville plays Douglas Bellowes, a respected newsreader and raconteur who loves the life he's created with his newspaper editor wife, Sheila (portrayed by Alex Kingston). Despite being an experienced broadcaster, greying, middle-aged Douglas surprisingly needs constant reassurance behind the scenes on <b>Live At Six</b>, from his sharper, younger, tech-savvy and social media-aware co-presenter Madeline (Gillan), who seems able to wrap him around her little finger. As, indeed, Kazza can do with most men. And many women, too. A national treasure who can seemingly do no wrong, Douglas enjoys his privileged status. Until, that is, he makes an ill-advised joke at his cousin's wedding, overheard by a fellow guest, who threatens to expose his comments on social media. Echoing the recent scandal surrounding Huw Edwards' suspension as the BBC's flagship news and events anchor this summer amidst accusations of misconduct, Douglas' alleged indiscretion is dissected, analysed and blown out of all proportion in the subsequent digital storm. 'Working again with a director like Ben, on Steven's acidly witty script, with an ensemble of this calibre, is as daunting as it is exciting' said Bonneville, who recently completed filming on <b>The Completely Made-Up Adventures Of Dick Turpin</b> for Apple TV+, in which he plays the Thief Taker General Jonathan Wilde. 'To torment a man, let alone a man named Douglas, for four episodes - armed with the writing of Steven Moffat - is a great privilege that I'm going to enjoy every minute of' added Kazza. Adding to the sense of a reunion, Miles previously starred in Moffat's BBC ensemble sitcom <b>Coupling</b>, with Jack Davenport, Gina Bellman, Sarah Alexander, Richard Coyle and Kate Isitt. That ran from 2000 to 2004 and was Moffat's final television comedy before his high-profile stints writing-producing <b>Doctor Who</b> and <b>Sherlock</b>, in a career that includes creating the BBC comedy <b>Joking Apart</b>, starring Robert Bathurst as a tortured stand-up comic. Most recently, he wrote the dark comedy play <i>The Unfriend</i>, which became Mark Gatiss's directorial debut in 2022, originally with a cast of Reece Shearsmith, Amanda Abbington and Frances Barber. The latter returns alongside Alexander and Lee Mack for its revival at the Wyndham's Theatre in London's West End next month. Steven executive produces <b>Douglas Is Cancelled</b> with his wife, Sue Vertue, for Hartswood Films. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKYQ7_p6kd9RDUP8sMDZ63bjJjtqKYZfKUHET26VMGL4acU4k2H1CYA6yLtAMgB2kG2DwCHhjRYOHFDFedFDG8CCnuO_xC9303l5WzqDya6Kk9U_6LIKUFf8rbzle24K71YrQU7Ju45HntEFMGTzTM1s_XeP74sW5Zvu-aCmzSzb1bqYpBBQ/s799/douglas_is_cancelled.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="799" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKYQ7_p6kd9RDUP8sMDZ63bjJjtqKYZfKUHET26VMGL4acU4k2H1CYA6yLtAMgB2kG2DwCHhjRYOHFDFedFDG8CCnuO_xC9303l5WzqDya6Kk9U_6LIKUFf8rbzle24K71YrQU7Ju45HntEFMGTzTM1s_XeP74sW5Zvu-aCmzSzb1bqYpBBQ/s320/douglas_is_cancelled.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Dear blog readers who have been following the lengthy saga of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House Bathroom Refit (<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/he-often-remembered-how-it-used-to-be.html">here</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/the-department-of-baths-them-be-atles.html">here</a>) will be delighted (if, perhaps, shocked and stunned) to know that this blogger managed to hang the damn shower curtain his very self (at the <i>second</i> attempt, admittedly - and <i>with</i> a bad back an'all) without any need of outside assistance. <br />
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On Friday of last week this blogger awoke at 6am after something approaching a half-way decent night's sleep (virtually unique these days). Maybe it was finally having the bathroom sorted what did it! He was up at 6.30 and had a blissfully long, hot shower (see, correlation may well be causation in this particular instance). Having applied much painkilling gel to his tortured back and down a couple of Ibuprofen®™ for good measure, he had a shave, turned on the PC and downloaded and listened to <i>From The North</i>'s favourite podcast, <i>Kermode & Mayo's Take</i> (and <i>Take 2</i>). This blogger then had some cereal and a nice steaming hot cup of sweet Joe for breakfast whilst replying to a couple of e-mails. That took us up to 8.30am and then ... he prepared himself to spend the rest of the way waiting for the arrival of an incoming new Dormeo orthopaedic mattress ordered <i>weeks</i> earlier but which they had decided to deliver that particular day, plus a couple of other packages from different sources. Of course, when the mattress arrived it was simply dumped on the doorstep by the delivery driver who then, quite literally, <i>ran back to his van</i> as this blogger was getting himself downstairs to answer the knock. Thus, Keith Telly Topping was left with the job on somehow manoeuvering the damned thing up a step flight of stairs. Which he did. With difficulty. <br />
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And, finally the BBC <a href="https://www.bbc.com/sport/athletics/67432970">reports</a> that an athlete has been banned for twelve months for using car during a race. One does, rather, hope they try that at the Olympics. Watching the hundred metres with eight Toyota Corolla's lined-up at the start has <i>so</i> much potential. <br />
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Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-49072759615181154522023-11-13T19:16:00.001+00:002023-11-13T20:36:35.322+00:00"The Department Of Baths, Them Be-Atles, Big Rusty & Bad Backs!"<div style="text-align: justify;">
Welcome, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, to the latest <i>From The North</i> update. And, we begin with an apology in advance. Due to several reasons (not least the weather having turned a bit nippy) this blogger's notoriously bad back has been playing up, somethin' fierce, during the past week. So, if any of the following bloggerisationism doings come over as needlessly aggressive, or sarky, or impolite, or mean, please be advised that this blogger isn't <i>really</i> like that at all. He's actually quite a likable chap. Well, some of the time, anyway. But, he <i>is</i> something of a martyr to his grumbling coccyx and is in quite a bit of pain as this bloggerisationism update is being compiled, so please bear with him. Backs run in our family, dear blog reader. Along with noses. <br />
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Indeed, an accurate description of this blogger's general mood over the course of the last couple of weeks may go something along <i>these lines</i>. <br />
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Moving, swiftly on to grumble number one: The <i>Independent</i> <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/the-beatles-now-and-then-uk-charts-b2445521.html">notes</a> that both 'Last Christmas' and 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' have made an appearance in the lower reaches of the top forty this week. <i>On 10 November</i>. What do you think of <i>that</i>, Mister Nod? <br />
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Dear bloggerisationism readers clicking through to the <i>Independent</i> link will, of course, find that the actual headline of the story is that Them Be-Atles have only been and gone and done it again, haven't they? Topping (if you will) <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-67381253?fbclid=IwAR0lbUJ2kBTDIAb1R1ZYpUsnkJQuzj1H5jFOXuc2fXfnk6-HCKbyB3F2c0A">the UK singles chart</a> sixty years after they first did it and fifty four years after their previous number one. <i>Still</i> record breakers, Them Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them). Proving, one supposes that Roy Caste was, indeed, correct. Dedication, <i>that's</i> what you need.<br />
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Inevitably, one of this blogger's most treasured American fiends, Jan, misunderstood the curiously English syntax of this observation, instead claiming that <i>love</i> is, in fact, all you need. And that, thus, dedication contains too many syllables. This blogger reflected 'this may require an explanation involving an old British children's TV series hosted by Roy Castle. But ... trust me, it's not worth worrying about!' <br />
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However, that conversation <i>did</i> remind this blogger that he believes he is correct in saying 'Help!' is, almost certainly, the first rock and/or roll hit which includes <i>two</i> four syllable words in its lyrics ('appreciate' and 'independence'). Unless, of course, you know different. <br />
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So, dear blog readers, here's what happened. Sam Tyler gets hit by a car in 2023 and wakes up in 1973. 'What's it like where you come from?' asks Gene Hunt. 'There's a Tory government who <i>hate</i> immigrants and constantly indulge in victim-blaming. Families are struggling with a cost of living crisis caused, at least in part, because inflation is outstripping wages increases. The Rolling Stones have got the number one LP and The Be-Atles the number one single. The top four in the Football League are Liverpool, Arsenal, Manchester City and Spurs. <b>Coronation Street</b> and <b>Doctor Who</b> are on telly and the Israelis and the Arabs are at war.' 'Pretty much the same around here' notes Gene. 'How much does a pint of beer cost?' 'Four pounds, fifty seven.' <br />
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This blogger's good fiend Mark suggested that four pound fifty seven would be represent a <i>very</i> unlikely bargain in almost any London pub. 'That's the national average according to <i>Google</i>' replied this blogger. 'I fully appreciate that in the capital you need to re-mortgage your gaff to get a round in these days!' <br />
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Meanwhile, this blogger wanted to be the first to subtitle this recent photo of Sir Paul (MBE) and Sir Ringo (MBE) having dinner at Cavendish Avenue <i>All Things Must Pasta Way</i>. But, apparently, Keith Telly Topping was beaten to it. By <i>everyone on the entire Interweb</i>. Those mushrooms <i>do</i> look nice, though. <br />
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The previous <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationism update <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/11/he-often-remembered-how-it-used-to-be.html">detailed</a>, at some length, the - many - fun and games what had been going on at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House with the installation of a new bathroom suite. Or, on some days, <i>not</i> going on. Monday of last week, for example, was another jolly frustrating day of waiting for workmen who didn't show up. It involved another cross phone-call to the always delightful Mia at the Department Of Baths about all these shenanigans (especially as this blogger had previously been contacted to specifically confirm they <i>would</i> be doing the flooring on that day). It was also another day with the plumber briefly coming out to fix the (admittedly small) wash basin leak, 'fixing' it and then, ten minutes later, it was leaking <i>again</i> (albeit, nowhere near as much as it had been previously). Necessitating a <i>second</i> call to Mia. 'Listen, sorry love, I'm not doing this deliberately, but ...' this blogger began, sadly. Finally, by about two o'clock, Keith Telly Topping'd had just about enough of sitting around the gaff feeling anxious so he left The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House to get the bus to Byker and do some necessary shopping at Morrisons. He also went into the pharmacy opposite to ask if they could recommend anything for painful sinus congestion (particularly at night) that was better than Vicks or Lemsip. Which, happily, they could (Sudafed). This blogger bought himself a whopping big beef prime topside joint (from Morrisons, this is, <i>not</i> from the pharmacy. They don't do <i>meat</i> as far as this blogger is aware). Which did us for Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House dinners for the next four days (curries, sandwiches, <i>et cetera</i>). Keith Telly Topping also tried out the new furry boots he had bought the previous week which fitted well and seemed fine although, for a first time of wearing them, his achilleas were a bit sore by the time he got back home. As, indeed, was his back which was <i>proper</i> throbbing that day and hasn't let up ever since. This blogger is, sad to say, falling to bits dearest bloggerisationism fiends (see below for further, extensive, details). Getting old is <i>really</i> not recommended!<br />
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Shortly after he returned to his drum, this blogger received a call from Dan, Dan, the Department Of Baths man, claiming that both the floorer-type individuals <i>and</i> the painter 'should' be at The Stately Telly Topping Manor on Tuesday. Dan, Dan, the Department Of Baths man being, of course, the person who had assured this blogger that the floorers would be out on Monday in the first place. This blogger bit his lip until it bled on that particular issue and confirmed that he would be in all of Tuesday and most of the day after although he did have to go to yet another medical appointment for about an hour on Wednesday morning. 'You should be finished by the end of tomorrow' claimed Dan, Dan, the Department Of Baths man. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping merely chuckled, hollowly, at such crass over-confidence and wondered if he could get a sentence from the following words: 'See it', 'believe it', 'when I', I'll'. <br />
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To be honest, as this blogger told his dear <i>Facebook</i> fiends regarding this ongoing fiasco, the only issue this blogger had with the way this situation had panned out was nothing to do with the bathroom itself (Keith Telly Topping spends remarkably little time in there, <i>per se</i>). Rather, it'was that, because all of the stuff that was <i>in</i> the bathroom before this malarkey started was shoved Willy-Nelson into the kitchen, this blogger's life in <i>there</i>, was on hold. And this blogger <i>does</i> spend quite a bit of time in that particular part of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Thus, Keith Telly Topping hadn't been able to do any washing for over a fortnight (he had, at that time, a basket full to overflowing of laundry waiting to go the second the path to the washing machine was clear again - thank God this blogger has an extensive and fashionable wardrobe). This blogger <i>was</i> able to cook, at least, but there was limited space so it had become a bit of a chore rather than, as it usually is, something he rather looks forward to. Using the microwave, which was situated behind much of the dumped bathroom fixtures and fittings, involved Keith Telly Topping turning into John Cleese doing a (very) silly walk over boxes and <i>bric-a-brac</i> (rather than spouting reactionary bollocks on <i>GB News</i>, he hastens to add). <br />
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The floor-layers and the Painter Man (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjOloyVAmgM">The Creation</a>'s version rather than <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOVBMxnegwQ">Boney M</a>'s obviously) came and went on Tuesday. For the latter that day was, basically, just to do the prep work for Wednesday's full paint job, some grouting and one small hole in the plaster which needed filling. This blogger gave the Painter Man the spare key just in case he arrived after Keith Telly Topping had left for his medical appointment. He seemed like a very nice lad and not the sort who would rob the gaff whilst this blogger was out. And, indeed, he didn't. But, he did finish the job off even if this blogger managed to add to his overflowing washing basket by getting white paint traces on at least a couple of the items of clothing that he was wearing that afternoon. <br />
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Thursday and this blogger waited in all day, again, for these sodding people to come round and finish off the last knockings of the bathroom replacement. There was yet another call to the lovely Mia and this blogger was told that he should have someone - called Keith, interestingly - round to do an audit later that afternoon and a couple of chaps in on the Friday, once the paint had dried, to put the cabinet and sundry other items things back from the kitchen. So, with that in mind, Keith Telly Topping spent the morning playing 'Free As A Bird', 'Real Love' and 'Now & Then' in heavy rotation. Because he <i>could</i>. And, in doing so, this blogger reinforced certain opinions which he'd held (and, marginally changed others). <br />
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'Free As A Bird' is, easily, the best song of the three - or, at least, it's the most complete song; the one with the best lyrics anyway, if not, necessarily the best tune. It's a decent, if slightly over-fussy production by Jeff Lynne; this blogger completely rejects the occasionally-voiced notion that it 'sounds like ELO'. It sounds <i>nothing</i> like ELO - there are no cellos for a kick-off. Arguably, if it <i>had</i>, it would have, also, sounded more like Them Be-Atles, circa <i>Magical Mystery Tour</i> than it did. In fact what it most sounds like is a George Harrison solo record. Apart from Lennon's voice sounding like it had been filtered through a 1930s radio, something which could, hopefully will (and, indeed, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hO6jm67z-QI">by amateurs</a>, <i>has</i>) been fixed using the new tech, Keith Telly Topping thinks it was a <i>superb</i> achievement for 1995 and that it still sounds pretty good today. And <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODIvONHPqpk">the video</a> is, of course, immense.<br />
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'Real Love' - although it's not, quite, as good a song as 'Free As A Bird', <i>per se</i>, it's a <i>much</i> better production, because the original recording was a bit more hi-fi. But, the big selling point here was that it <i>does</i>, actually, sound just like Them Be-Atles. The harmonies are fantastic (real <i>Abbey Road</i>-era stuff) and the whole thing sounds, given what was in the charts in 1996, almost contemporary. Which makes Radio 1's decision - that they later said they regretted - to cut off their nose to spite their face and not playlist it, all the more baffling. The <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax7krBKzmVI">video</a> was less evocative and beautiful than 'Free Aa A Bird' but still rather lovely all the same, particular the floating instruments. <br />
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'Now & Then'. This blogger is delighted to report that he <i>has</i> come to terms with it over the last week and it has grown on him considerably. Keith Telly Topping still thinks it's the slightest of the three songs (it's a verse, a chorus and then ... more choruses) and the original recording was <i>way</i> worse quality than the other two. But - and it's an important but - they're performed real magic it making it sound as good as they have. Giles Martin's strings are gorgeous, the vocals (including the extraction of John's original) sounds more than fine. The only thing really missing, which both of the other songs had, was something that was definably a George contribution. We know that he's on there - the acoustic guitars at the start are him and Paul as we see in the video and, apparently some of the electric rhythm work also comes from him in 1995. But, it would've been the cherry on top if he'd lived long enough to actually do a proper trademark Harrison solo. Sadly, as noted (and, as <i>From The North</i> favourite Mark Lewisohn also <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzHkkMvXEZc">said</a> when listening to it for the first time last week), there's not really an awful lot they could do about that since the cancer got there first. But, for what it is, they've done something no one even thought possible. They've got Them Be-Atles back together one last time. Peter Jackson's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Opxhh9Oh3rg">video</a> is utterly and shamelessly manipulative. And, this blogger <i>loves</i> it! Dear blog readers are also advised to have a gander at Andrew from Parlogram Auctions thoughtful and enthusiastic piece on 'Now & Then' on <i>YouTube</i>, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_v-L3gq3xg">here</a>.<br />
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Those who have whinged that these three songs are not the 'real' Them Be-Atles are entirely missing the point (not unusual when it comes to Be-Atles fans, sadly). As are those who complain about 'Now & Then' that 'it's not 'Tomorrow Never Knows' or 'Hey Jude' or 'A Day In The Life', is it?' Well no, it isn't (all of them aren't) but then, they were never going to be. All three are what they are. Do they 'destroy the legend and the legacy' as at least one knobcheese on <i>YouTube</i> has, reportedly claimed? Do they <i>shite</i> as like! This blogger's final word on the matter is to paraphrase Sir Macca at his funniest. 'It's Them Bloody Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, 1990s and 2020s) <i>shut up</i>!<br />
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So Keith from The Department Of Baths <i>did</i> turn up as promised (he was 'in the area' apparently), checked the work (which was 'satisfactory'), apologised for the several delays, assured this blogger that the humpers and shifters would be out the next day to do all the humping and shifting and gave this blogger a brief questionnaire to note his observations. Friday morning arrived with yet another bit of crappy news for this blogger. He received an e-mail from Them Be-Atles informing him that his pre-ordered copies of the new remastered and expanded <i>Them Be-Atles 1966-66</i> and <i>Them Be-Atles 1967-70</i> had been sent out. <i>That morning</i>. 'About bastard time,' this blogger thought. He had, perhaps naively, assumed that ordering CDs from the 'official' website in question meant they would be sent to arrive <i>on</i> the day of release. Wrong. If Keith Telly Topping had known they wouldn't go out <i>until</i> day of release, he wouldn't have bought them online, he'd've gone to one of the four record shops still open in this country and bought them there. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdT138aaZ1TW93WQfTubhsYGkdh2IHLdlcEqo3MQfSUpU6g7Q9Hzwpy_PQm5YyrnMF1an5_ZSfIoj0lu4DhzTNZaEd7VruCL_3CyCf0BGHZw264Brz-utaOS8_Y5ceM5kwlN5To17_aR9ugWpcHtjcysckQDlySHkCJpgGr4e8MfFcpFqlFw/s789/401271987_338709148765845_1920889687144486598_n.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="664" data-original-width="789" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdT138aaZ1TW93WQfTubhsYGkdh2IHLdlcEqo3MQfSUpU6g7Q9Hzwpy_PQm5YyrnMF1an5_ZSfIoj0lu4DhzTNZaEd7VruCL_3CyCf0BGHZw264Brz-utaOS8_Y5ceM5kwlN5To17_aR9ugWpcHtjcysckQDlySHkCJpgGr4e8MfFcpFqlFw/s320/401271987_338709148765845_1920889687144486598_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Obviously vexed, this - already wound-up like a clockwork orange - blogger and pushed him into sending one of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House's trademark 'strongly worded e-mails' in reply. In which this blogger invited Them Be-Atles to explain - using graphs if necessary - why <i>anyone</i> would wish order a record/DVD/book online if they're not going to get it until <i>after</i> they're available in the shops and one has a retail outlet selling the item within, let's say, a five-to-ten mile distance? Okay, you might get it <i>slightly</i> cheaper online (although with postage, chances are, probably not) but, even if it does cost a bit more, it's worth it to get the damned thing when you actually <i>want</i> it and not a day or two or three later. So yes, lesson learned, dear blog reader. This blogger will know, in future, to ignore the whole 'pre-order, it's great' nonsense and just buy stuff in shops like <i>normal</i> people. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbtc2xG-34EZOjVx5ddGtppHmKEYAJLQmEGJduaSf2oIcXklkWY2g0bZeNpjObByrU3qPSvyxvP5UeSSzIkKDjoSiwHPIJKBB9cKSzgLws_cj198FkydluAgvYwHxRbgUSceeRHlmvnYKGhIHQJWjYdZKhZBa6jAAcoeCo0Nan6k7Z7T54Ow/s896/main-qimg-c1cbaf25bde33283d0659c3aaeba1c1d-lq.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="896" data-original-width="596" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbtc2xG-34EZOjVx5ddGtppHmKEYAJLQmEGJduaSf2oIcXklkWY2g0bZeNpjObByrU3qPSvyxvP5UeSSzIkKDjoSiwHPIJKBB9cKSzgLws_cj198FkydluAgvYwHxRbgUSceeRHlmvnYKGhIHQJWjYdZKhZBa6jAAcoeCo0Nan6k7Z7T54Ow/s320/main-qimg-c1cbaf25bde33283d0659c3aaeba1c1d-lq.jpg" /></a></div>
Speaking of things not turning up when you expect them ... It happened like <i>this</i>, dear blog fiends. At 2.30pm on Friday and with <i>still</i> no sign of any humpers and shifters arriving, this blogger rang the Department Of Baths <i>again</i>. This time, because his patience (and temper) had finally run out and he didn't want to be the position of shouting obscenities at Mia who'd always been pleasant with this blogger, when Keith Telly Topping got through to the switchboard he asked for the complaints department. Speaking to a very nice-sounding lady, he explained everything <i>yet again</i>, noted that he had been <i>promised</i> (twice) that some chaps would be out to shift stuff and added that this was - potentially - the third time that he had been assured of something which, subsequently, had not occurred. He confessed that he has a <i>very</i> low tolerance threshold for a) being lied to and b) arseholes who can't do their job properly. This blogger said that it was now shortly after 2.30pm and that he knew most firms in the trade knock-off for the weekend at 4.30pm on a Friday. So, she had slightly under two hours to sort this out for this blogger. She said that she would speak to the supervisor and call Keith Telly Topping back. This blogger thanked her, sincerely, but warned that if he didn't hear back from her, promptly, the next call he made would be to every national newspaper he could find a number for, to ask if they wanted a story about an incompetent, mendacious plumbing and fitting sub-contract firm, doing particularly shoddy, not-even-remotely timorous jobs on council-owned properties. Keith Telly Topping added that, since it's a 'Labour-controlled council property' he was sure that the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i>, for example, would be <i>particularly</i> interested in such a story because they <i>love</i> that sort of thing, so they do. The return call took exactly <i>seven minutes</i> with a promise that 'the supervisor will <i>try</i> to get someone out this afternoon.' '<i>Try</i>?' this blogger asked and then left it hanging there like a sock on a shower-rail. Within quarter-of-an-hour, a couple of big burly chaps arrived at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House managing to manoeuvre the heavy medicine cabinet along the narrow corridor and into the bathroom (plus one or two other sundry bits and pieces) within minutes. Result. <br />
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So, that's it, dear - by now presumably bored-up-to-your-tits - blog readers. This blogger still has to fit the shower curtain himself it would appear (he may need some help with that but he'll leave the issue for another day). The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House kitchen is now clear(ish) of assorted junk and, for the first time in two-and-a-half weeks, in the words of The Whom (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them), 'at least I'll get my washing done.' Photographic evidence is supplied, as usual. Thus ends - for the moment - the tale of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bathroom refit and this blogger's dealings with the Department Of Baths, which has lasted longer than all of the Viking sagas put together <i>and</i>, with the addition of Wagner's Ring cycle as an encore. <br />
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Let us, now, move on to: <i>A Pictorial Study Of A Saturday Morning At The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House (In But Four Images)</i>. Starting with the completion of the first of what promises to be <i>several</i> machines-full of washing after a fortnight-and-a-half of unwelcome inactivity related to (unwanted) clutter. Several more machine-loads full may follow. But, not on that day ... <br />
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... since this blogger was going to have bugger-all space to actually hang anything else up to dry either in the kitchen or in the bathroom; the latter being, at that time, in-use drying several of the towels included in the first load. <br />
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Then, there was the arrival of incoming packages on Saturday morning. All, more of less, when various e-mails had stated they would be delivered (so, <i>that</i> was nice, for a change). The first three were from Argos and included various bathroom accessories purchased online because, this blogger <i>deserves</i> a bit of comfort in his drum. The middle one was from Pharmacy2U containing much-needed medications to, essentially, keep Keith Telly Topping alive. Whilst the one on the far-right was from Them Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them). This blogger really <i>wishes</i> he could have told you, dear blog fiends, that in one of the first three there was something like a 'deluxe blow-up woman (with the real hair)' since that would make an entirely accurate heading for this particular illustrative image <i>SEX & DRUGS & ROCK N ROLL</i>. Sadly, Argos don't <i>do</i> sexy-type-shenanigans (although there is at least one 'rubber item' in there, if that counts).<br />
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Thank you, so very much Them Be-Atles (a popular beat comb of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) for getting this blogger these two career retrospective CDs approximately twenty four hours <i>after</i> he could have bought them if he'd just gone to HMV in town and had done with it. Both, incidentally, include the motto 'Made In Germany' on a sticker attached to the back cover. Which, when you think about, <i>also</i> applies to Them Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them). <br />
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There has, of course, been some considerable debate about the relative merits of the reissued <i>Red & Blue</i>, with some people very much enjoying the fresh approach, the punch given to those early singles by demix technology and the fact that they've fixed some long-standing issues (that horrible drop-out in the right stereo channel in 'Day Tripper' for instance). But that they've left other, more charming, mistakes alone. So, we've still got John muffing the words of the third verse of 'Please Please Me' and giggling into the chorus. The most divisive issue seems to be the 2023 mix of '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqOFHyQHEF4">I Am The Walrus</a>' which this blogger - and several of his fiends - really enjoyed but which had at least one poor man made tame to fortunes blows on <i>You Tube</i> losingf his shite and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_cACGeNJIk">declaring</a> 'the Walrus is dead.' <br />
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Oh, <i>grow up</i>! Sit you down, father. Rest you. This blogger thought it was great. Stick <i>that</i> up yer jumper. <br />
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<i>1962-66</i> is, clearly, the most compelling purchase of the two if you're thinking of only buying one of them (although, if you <i>are</i> thinking of only buying one of them, then you're <i>very</i> silly). The kick-in-the-balls of listening to proper, fully functional stereo mixes of 'She Loves You', 'Twist & Shout', 'I Saw Her Standing There' and 'Roll Over Beethoven', for example, will see you jolly close to pissing in your knickers and <i>screaming</i> at your musical device. (For what it's worth, this blogger's CD player isn't working very well so he ended up playing them through his DVD player and they sounded just <i>great</i> there. If you're listening on Spotify or another online streamer, though those horrible earbuds that get on this blogger's bellend with their nastiness, you might have a different experience.) You may, if you're lucky, hear tiny things that you've never heard before (for this blogger it was the sound of Paul's fingers sliding along his Epiphone strings on '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfWnvlX0GOs">Yesterday</a>'). But even if you don't, to paraphrase Derek Taylor, in beautiful of-the-era SF imagery on the liner notes of <i>Beatles For Sale</i>, just play the kids of the future the music and they'll <i>get it</i>. Try listening to it with a glass of wine (or, a non-alcoholic beverage of your choice if, like this blogger, you're on pills for your nerves) and a nice takeaway and react accordingly. <br />
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<i>Deserved</i> it? This blogger should flaming cocoa, dear blog fiends! <br />
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The broadcast time for the first of the three <b>Doctor Who</b> sixtieth anniversary specials, <i>The Star Beast</i>, has been announced. It will be shown on BBC1 at 6.30pm on Saturday 25 November. 'So Whovians can now set their clocks for that time,' <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-time-slot-60th-special-star-beast-newsupdate/">according</a> to some prick on no importance at the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults). Just to repeat, there is not a single, solitary <b>Doctor Who</b> fan with an ounce of dignity or self-respect (two things, admittedly, no often associated with fandom) that would willingly use the hateful 'w' word unless it was ironically. The first special will be followed by further episodes, <i>Wild Blue Yonder</i> and <i>The Giggle</i> on the following two Saturdays. <i>The Star Beast</i> will be followed on BBC Three by the first episode of the new companion series <b>Doctor Who Unleashed</b>, at 7:30pm.<br />
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This week also saw the announcement of a few more new cast members, including Dara Lall as Fudge and John MacKay as television pioneer John Logie Baird - a role he previously played in another Russell Davies drama, <b>Nolly</b>. Although precise plot details are still awaited, fans have been offered many snippets of information in various stills and trailers – while Big Rusty has promised that fans will be 'staggered' by 'the surprises.'<br />
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Big Rusty has said he approaches the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama as if it is an 'eight-year-old watching,' In comments reported by the <i>Daily Torygraph</i> and <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/nov/10/doctor-who-not-for-children-says-russell-t-davies-david-tennant">reprinted</a> in the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>, Rusty admitted some scenes were 'violent' and 'scary'. One of his predecessors, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE), previously described the programme a 'children's show,' the <i>Gruniad</i> sneered, albeit failing to take into account the <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/of-course-doctor-who-is-a-childrens-show-says-steven-moffat-but-that-doesnt-mean-its-childish/">context in which those comments were made</a>. Davies's view 'was more nuanced,' the <i>Gruniad</i> claimed. He said: 'It is not a children's show but I think at the heart of it is an eight year old watching, I think it's <i>always</i> that. We think of that when we are in the edits. And do you know there is some <i>very</i> scary stuff, some stuff is violent, it's not for children but it is <i>about</i> children - it's about a child's imagination.' Davies said that the first of the three specials is the most family-friendly of the trio, with Miriam Margolyes as the voice behind The Meep, a furry and seemingly adorable alien adapted from <i>The Star Beast</i> comic-strip. On The Meep, he said: 'I think a child would invent The Meep, wouldn't they? It's very much a child's creation, I think it's designed for children to like, in a good way.' He had words of caution for the subsequent two specials, however. '[<i>The Star Beast</i>] is like a great big Pixar family film, like a bank holiday film - all the family watching, lots of laughs, a funny monster. The second one, <i>Wild Blue Yonder</i>, is darker. Not scary, it's genuinely weird,' he said. The third, <i>The Giggle</i>, featuring Neil Patrick Harris as The Celestial Toymaker is 'nuts, completely mad, frightening,' Rusty said. 'That one <i>will</i> scare you.' <br />
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Russell had previously praised Ncuti Gatwa's 'thunderbolt' audition, which ultimately landed him the role of The Doctor. Recalling Ncuti's audition, Big Rusty <a href="https://time.com/collection/time100-next-2022/6213724/ncuti-gatwa/">wrote</a> in <i>Time</i>: 'I'd watched him on screen and thought I had the measure of him, until he walked into the room for the <b>Doctor Who</b> audition. Bang! Thunderbolt. And bear in mind, for UK TV, the part of The Doctor is The Crown Jewels, it's history, it's tradition, it's ... oh, <i>spd that</i>, I said and threw it at him. He's conquered the world. Now all of time and space is his.' In an <a href="https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/ncuti-gatwa-interview-2023">interview</a> with <i>GQ</i> Magazine, Ncuti revealed that his audition was in front of the show's producers <i>and</i> Russell and he had to read a ten-page scene of the first meeting between The Doctor and his companion, Ruby Sunday (Millie Gibson). After completing his audition, 'I knew I needed to go in and give them a wink and a [smile],' Ncuti said. 'But I almost forgot about [the audition] as soon as I left the room, because there was just no way,' he added. <br />
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The Daleks and The Cybermen may be The Doctor's most iconic enemies, but Big Rusty has confirmed that Ncuti Gatwa will not be required tp do battle with them in his first series of <b>Doctor Who</b>. Speaking at a Q&A event after a press screening for the first of the upcoming sixtieth anniversary specials, Russell revealed that The Doctor won't need to worry about being exterminated or deleted in series fourteen. Speaking about the series as a whole, Russell explained: 'It's very new. Ncuti's new and Millie is new and it was new to us with Disney and the whole new era, as it were.' He added: 'There are no Daleks, there are no Cybermen, I didn't want to look back too much.' However, he reiterated that he 'loves' The Daleks and would be happy to bring them back later. 'I do think we've had a lot of Daleks lately,' he said. 'Because, actually, lovely Chris Chibnall's Christmas specials have <i>all</i> been Daleks. 'So I think they've been done a lot, people are expecting them every year now. I think they need a good pause.' Ncuti's Doctor <i>will</i> be facing some brand new threats that, Russell hopes, could eventually become 'iconic antagonists' in their own right. At least, <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-no-daleks-ncuti-gatwa-first-season-newsupdate/">according</a> to the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults). 'Hopefully there's some enemies and things that will become new classics,' Rusty said. 'But it's always good to move on!'<br />
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Russell has likened Ncuti Gatwa's first series to the Christopher Eccleston era on <b>Doctor Who</b>. Ncuti will, of course, make his debut as The Doctor in the upcoming sixtieth anniversary specials. He will then appear in the Christmas special alongside Millie Gibson before the pair appear in a full, eight-episode, series in 2024. Speaking to various media outlets, Russell <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a45813499/doctor-who-davies-ncuti-gatwa-christopher-eccleston/">compared</a> filming scenes between the new Doctor and Ruby to filming with Christopher Ecclestone's Doctor and Billie Piper's Rose Tyler ahead of the show's revival. 'It was like this in 2004 when we were shooting with Chris and Billie and people were going, "What's it going to be like, is it going to be rubbish?" That was the attitude in 2004. And I literally used to sit there going, I've got such a good secret, that they're <i>so</i> good,"' he said. 'Every day I would get rushes of Rose Tyler and The Doctor, thinking, "Oh my God, I can't wait for people to see <i>this</i>." And it's exactly like that with Ncuti and Millie, it's literally thrilling,' he added. Teasing fans with what to expect from the upcoming episodes, Russell said that series fourteen will feature things they have never attempted previously. 'Some of the stories we've never done before, the style of which we've never done before, we do brand new things on screen,' he said. 'You write the stuff because they're so good. And they meet that challenge every time. I am literally so excited to show it. I know it's my job to sit here and hype it, but I could have stopped by now couldn't I?' <br />
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Nicola Coughlan is joining the <b>Doctor Who</b> universe. The <i>whoniverse</i>, if you will (see below). Russell Davies revealed the news during the Q&A on Monday night following a press screening of <i>The Star Beast</i>. When asked if he could reveal anyone who will be making a guest appearance in the next series, Davies teased an appearance by Coughlan. However, fans will have to wait about a year. 'Nicola Coughlan at Christmas - not this Christmas, <i>next</i> Christmas,' Russell <a href="https://variety.com/2023/tv/global/doctor-who-nicola-coughlan-ncuti-gatwa-russell-t-davies-1235785692/">said</a>. 'We're shooting Christmas 2024 now.' Known for her roles in <b>Derry Girls</b> and <b>Bridgerton</b>, Coughlan also starred alongside Ncuti Gatwa in the successful <i>Barbie</i> movie earlier this year. While the audience snacked on popcorn from TARDIS-shaped boxes, Russell discussed the three forthcoming specials starring David Tennant and Catherine Tate, as well as hinting about Ncuti's introductory episode, <i>The Church On Ruby Road</i>, seeming to confirm that it will be broadcast on 25 December. 'That Christmas Day episode is <i>gorgeous</i>, it's absolutely gorgeous,' Russell said, adding of working with Gatwa: 'When you cast great actors, the pressure is to live up to them, is to give them stuff that they love. And also stuff that will push them every day.' Russell also <a href="https://www.attitude.co.uk/culture/doctor-who-russell-t-davies-anti-trans-452390/">advised</a> anyone with anti-trans views 'good luck in your lonely lives.' <br />
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As David Tennant is about to return to the role of The Doctor, with Ncuti Gatwa soon to follow, the previous inhabitant on the TARDIS, Jodie Whittaker has been the subject of a lengthy, wide-ranging interview by Rebecca Nicholson of the <i>Observer</i> which you can check out, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/nov/12/jodie-whittaker-on-life-after-doctor-who-one-night">here</a>. In it, Jodie revealed that she was in the early stages of pregnancy when she filmed her final <b>Doctor Who</b> episode. 'The first Doctor with two hearts,' she said. 'I was able to tell a kid at Comic-Con that I was <i>method</i> for the first time. All these people being like, you're not qualified, as a woman, to play an alien. First time you've had a Doctor with two hearts, so there you go!' <br />
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An article in the <i>Gruniad</i> suggests that 'film recordings of not just one, but two of the early [<b>Doctor Who</b>] adventures, both featuring William Hartnell, has been found in Britain by amateur sleuths.' And that 'one [episode features] The Daleks.' Sadly, they don't bother to actually <i>name</i> the episodes in question - although given how few William Hartnell episodes featuring The Daleks are currently missing from the BBC archives, process of elimination suggests that one is either 1065's <i>Mission To The Unknown</i> or one of the nine missing episodes of <i>The Daleks' Master Plan</i>. The article, however, is <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/nov/11/lost-doctor-who-episodes-found-owner-reluctant-to-hand-them-to-bbc">well worth a read</a>. <br />
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This blogger is, genuinely, not sure whether he finds 'whoniverse' more or less offensive than 'whovian' - Keith Telly Topping could go either way on this one. <br />
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Janet Fielding, apparently, calls us 'Whodlums'. Which, very definitively, works for this blogger. Actually, as it turns out, 'whoniverse' is far older than this blogger initially believed. This blogger's fiend Amanda informs Keith Telly Topping that it was used on the back-cover blurb of Nigel Robinson's <i>Second <b>Doctor Who</b> Quiz Book</i> in 1982. The final section of Peter Haining's <i><b>Doctor Who</b>: A Celebration</i>, from a year later, is called <i>The Whoniverse</i>. As a consequence, like 'Now & Then' this blogger <i>has</i> come to terms with 'whoniverse', as it has a far longer history than Keith Telly Topping had remembered; the recent use of it, to me, felt a bit like Russell deciding to borrow 'Buffyverse' from the Joss Whedon shows so that was what, initially, set this blogger's teeth on edge a bit. However, it turns out the word was in use whilst Joss Whedon was still at school in Winchester and Peter Davison was The Doctor. Thus, this blogger accepts it for what it is. 'Whovian' on the other hand. Burn it with <i>fire</i>. And, a word of praise for good old Nigel. 'Invented a word' is a Hell of a good line to have on your CV. And, this blogger says that as someone who, according to Michael Adams' book <i>Slayer Slang</i> (Oxford University Press, 2003) <i>has</i>! If 'whoniverse' is good enough for this fellah, it's good enough for yer actual Keith Telly Topping. <br />
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As some of you will already know (because this blogger has talked about it often enough), Keith Telly Topping has a one thousand word piece coming up in those fine people at ATB Publishing's forthcoming <b>Outside In Regenerates: One Hundred & Sixty Three New Perspectives On On Hundred & Sixty Three Classic <b>Doctor Who</b> Stories By One Hundred & Sixty Three Writers</b>. Due to be published on - of course - 23 November and which, if you haven't already ordered it, you <i>really</i> should. <a href="https://www.atbpublishing.com/product/outside-in-regenerates-163-new-new-perspectives-on-163-classic-doctor-who-stories-by-163-writers/">Here</a>. Go on, it's for charriddeee. <br />
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Anyway, this blogger has also just completed writing a similar piece for next year's <i>Outside, I Can Live With It In</i> from the same publisher. Celebrating <b>Deep Space 9</b> (the <b>Star Trek</b> series that got good the quickest and stayed good the longest) and its significant contribution to mankind. Which, astounding to say, once this blogger managed to complete, saying the things that he want to say, he was actually <i>proud</i> of. When was the last time <i>that</i> happened? Oh yes, it was doing <i>The Aztecs</i> for <b>Outside In Regenerates: One Hundred & Sixty Three New Perspectives On On Hundred & Sixty Three Classic <b>Doctor Who</b> Stories By One Hundred & Sixty Three Writers</b>. Which you <i>really</i> should order if you haven't already done so. This blogger has mentioned that, right? <br />
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Full details of the <b>DS9</b> book will be announced once this blogger knows them. As, indeed, will publication details of another project that Keith Telly Topping got himself involved with - almost by accident - recently, another fan-published book this time on <a href="https://kindakinks.net/fanbook.php?fbclid=IwAR2DMdG719T8CCMXEi6NtE3tl0fdIiMIHMH9ikECVXP47ptdQ_gxpeK_Ioc">The Kinks</a>. Again, once this blogger knows when that will be available to the public, he will let all dear bloggerisationisms readers know along with details on how to order. <br />
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Following which, we come to that part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than ... <i>God</i>, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into the New Year <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">feeling rotten</a>; experienced five day <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more of them</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; continued to suffer from <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured a second <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took <i>ages</i> to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where nothing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">remotely health-related occurred</a>; received further <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; was subject to more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; received yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">blood tests</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a>; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sick note</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some surprising but welcome <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of general <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into 2023</a>. There was that whole '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the painful night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; getting some new <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">spectacles</a>; returning to the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">East End pool</a>. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling genuinely <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">wretched</a>. Experiencing a nasty bout of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">gastroenteritis</a>. Had a visit from an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>. Did the 'accidentally going out in my <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">slippers</a>' malarkey. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">return</a> of the dreaded insomnia and the dreaded return of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/they-dont-know-what-is-what.html">the fatigue</a>. The latest <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/if-its-not-love-then-its-bomb-that-will.html">tri-monthly prickage</a>; plus, yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/death-so-called-is-thing-which-makes.html">sleep disturbances</a>, a further bout of day time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/fudgel-today-shivviness-tomorrow.html">retinology</a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/the-square-on-globe.html">exhaustion</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/my-long-sickness-of-health-living-now.html">a nasty cold</a> in the very week that he got his latest Covid and influenza inoculations. <br />
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This blogger is <i>not</i> a well man, dear blog reader. Sorry if that comes as a big surprise to anyone. He's not fishing for sympathy here (much), but it has to be said, the last couple of weeks have seen him at his lowest ebb in some considerable time. The results of his recent six-monthly diabetes check-up were very much a mixed bag (both blood sugar levels and blood pressure were <i>considerably</i> up from the last check) necessitating a change of medication. In addition to his recurring back complaint and the nasty bout of sinusitis he's had for the last month, there are a couple of other - far more minor - issues that've reared their ugly heads of late. And, of course, all of the stress surrounding the lengthy Department Of Baths saga hasn't, exactly, helped matters. This blogger has a further series of blood tests and a medication review to undergo in December. So, with that in mind, this blogger has decided to give up life and try to stay in bed as much as possible because, whilst he's there, he's usually all right. <br />
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Of course, even <i>that</i> didn't go as planned. On Sunday afternoon, whilst he was in the process of beginning to put this bloggerisationism update together, this blogger went to bed for an hour after lunch as he was feeling a bit run down (well no, actually, a <i>lot</i> run down). It's something he does a few times each week and, often, it proves to be really beneficial with him waking up feeling full of beans and ready for action. <i>Big</i> mistake. This time, he woke up and his head felt like it was stuffed full of cotton wool. It took him most of the rest of the day to stop feeling woozy. <br />
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Then, dear blog reader, <i>hair-cut</i>! <br />
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But, for why the sour face Keith Telly Topping several of this blogger's <i>Facebook</i> fiends asked, askingly. Actually there <i>is</i> a jolly good reason, this blogger explained. 'Whilst my barber, Phil, was busy doing an oldish chap before me, he was talking proudly about his daughter having just got a bass guitar for her birthday and adding that he'd just learned how to play 'Smoke On The Water'. "I can't remember how it goes," he said then looked over at me and said "you're good on music, how does 'Smoke On The Water' go?"' This blogger rolled his eyes and replied 'It goes "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUwEIt9ez7M">UH-UH-UUUH/UH-UH-UH-UHHHH/UH-UH-UHHHH/UH-UH</a>"'. Tragically, as a consequence, Keith Telly Topping then spent the rest of the say with that <i>sodding annoying earworm</i> stuck in his head. So, even though this blogger no longer <i>looks</i> like a member of Deep Purple, you can understand his somewhat unenthusiastic outlook on life. Plus, his back was knacking again. See, dear blog reader, there is always a logical explanation for everything. Even scowling selfies. <br />
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Mad Old Fekker John Cleese (who used to be relatively normal but stopped being around the same time as he also stopped being funny) 'takes aim at today's cancel culture as new data shows one-in-four people <i>ditch</i> non-woke pals,' <a href="https://www.gbnews.com/celebrity/john-cleese-woke-cancel-culture-dinosaur-hour">claim</a> those delightful people at <i>GB News</i>. Home for all of your bestest right-wing scumbaggery and sick hate-speech. So, Great Britain, <i>here's</i> a challenge - let's see if we can make that <i>four</i>-in-four and render the argument redundant. <br />
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Possibly this blogger's favourite ever local newspaper 'article for the hard of thinking' comes from one Rebecca Carey of the <i>Lancashire Telegraph</i> <a href="https://www.lancashiretelegraph.co.uk/news/national/uk-today/23912267.foods-not-put-freezer-see-5-items/"><i>What Foods Should You Not Put In You Freezer? See The Five Items</i></a>. Listen, Rebecca sweetheart, this blogger believes that most people are probably well aware that putting tinned goods and food in glass containers in a freezer is, probably, a jolly bad idea. And, anyone that <i>doesn't</i> know this is unlikely to be able to take your valuable advice to heart since, chances are, they can't read. <br />
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This blogger caught the tiniest glimpse of the <i>aurora borealis</i> one night last week. A slight green tinge against the Northern horizon; it was only the fourth time in his life he'd seen the remarkable spectacle (interestingly, the last three have all been in the last decade and a bit). Sadly, due to the omnipresent street lighting it was only the barest of glimpses; others - seemingly - got a <i>far</i> better view <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/av/uk-67329638?fbclid=IwAR2bDPtLCfvcMcLp2qKatUPrbVdKpoW8DJj_9A_haFPhKdS2JZOPYj9ZdnU">according</a> to the <i>BBC News</i> website. <br />
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The <i>From The North</i> Headline Of The Week award goes, unequivocally, to the <i>Yorkshire Post</i>, for <a href="https://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/lifestyle/cars/devastated-yorkshire-man-forced-to-sell-his-dream-campervan-after-vegan-wires-eaten-by-rats-4405700"><i>Devastated Yorkshire Man Forced To Sell His 'Dream' Campervan After Vegan Wires 'Eaten By Rats'</i></a>. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglxyFMnsCdNSX-pyN6h2xeKZm7yHKFWQpC_nOml7tAN_twGmmR0DVWqd1xysjNyutxIpo23DTeqAW15JhyphenhyphenRoJrGr4p7Zx4bpnseXO6q-wsHmT8AMoxWQe3M2KKUkHgl3_cD9x1V5Mu8jcjpgm4mPTEMSUS8PBXhA5w7g2i9KGjufMnSYjN0Q/s491/believable.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="371" data-original-width="491" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglxyFMnsCdNSX-pyN6h2xeKZm7yHKFWQpC_nOml7tAN_twGmmR0DVWqd1xysjNyutxIpo23DTeqAW15JhyphenhyphenRoJrGr4p7Zx4bpnseXO6q-wsHmT8AMoxWQe3M2KKUkHgl3_cD9x1V5Mu8jcjpgm4mPTEMSUS8PBXhA5w7g2i9KGjufMnSYjN0Q/s320/believable.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Other nominations include the <i>Stoke Sentinel's</i> <a href="https://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/whats-on/shopping/sainsburys-switches-travellator-lifts-leave-8898341"><i>Sainsbury's Switches Off Travellator & Lifts To Leave Shoppers Seething</i></a>. You don't see many uses of 'seething' in newspapers these days to describe people being a little bit cross because they've been slightly inconvenienced, do you? 'Fuming', yes. 'Angry', certainly. But, not 'seething'. Except in a Sainsbury's in Stoke, obviously. <br />
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There's also one from the <i>BBC News</i> website, <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-humber-67368592"><i>Anger In Hornsea After Lincoln The 'Tesco Cat' Is Banned From Store</i></a>. Whether Lincoln knows about, or intends to comply with, the banning order we simply don't know. But, we can probably guess. <br />
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And, of course, we cannot forget the <i>Island Echo</i>'s <a href="https://www.islandecho.co.uk/calls-for-east-cowes-town-mayor-to-resign-after-con-club-fracas/"><i>Calls For East Cowes Town Mayor To Resign After Con Club Fracas</i></a>. Presumably, over in West Cowes, they're having a right good laugh about <i>that</i>. <br />
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Those dear blog readers outside of the UK may be unaware of the reason why the name Suella Braverman raises such diverse reactions in the UK. A brief glance at <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-67374951"><i>Eight Things Suella Braverman Said That Made Headlines</i></a> should give you a broad idea of why the now extremely former Home Secretary is so badly-liked by many. In recent weeks there has been <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2023/nov/08/tory-insiders-suggest-suella-braverman-trying-to-get-sacked">much speculation</a> that Braverman's increasing outrageous, headline-baiting rhetoric has been, at least in part, a deliberate attempt to force Rishi Sunak to sack her as part of a complex, cunning plan to position herself as the champion of the Tory right-wing and, potentially, the next Conversative Party leader. All of which sounds entirely reasonable working on the assumption that no 'normal' person would claim that living rough is 'a lifestyle choice', that 'the British people deserve to know which party is serious about stopping the <i>invasion</i> on our Southern coast' or that 'Multiculturalism makes no demands of the incomer to integrate. It has failed' without an ulterior motive. Having said that, dear blog reader, one has to remember that this <i>is</i> the vile, odious, spiteful, nasty Suella Braverman we're talking about and that some people are, simply, <i>scum</i>. So, the <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-67401753">news</a> that this week, finally, after months of squatting on the fence Sunak has grown enough of a backbone to kick her sorry ass into the nearest gutter along with all the other turds is welcome and ... <i>funny</i>. Mind you, Sunka's <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-67403223">decision</a> to re-employ a, seemingly, unemployable former occupier of his own office was a definite Spanish Inquisition moment. <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader, is <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/nov/12/should-i-worry-that-my-hot-drink-will-give-me-cancer"><i>Should I Worry That My Hot Drink Will Give Me Cancer?</i></a> the most <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> 'concerned think-piece' in the history of <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> 'concerned think-pieces'? The answer, incidentally, is 'no it won't and if you think it will, drink something else instead.' But, of course, the writer was being paid by the word so it padded it out a bit. <br />
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Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-45691891239822839252023-11-05T21:40:00.002+00:002023-11-06T15:53:23.657+00:00"He Often Remembered How It Used To Be Before That Special Occasion In 1963"<div style="text-align: justify;">
Since <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/twilight-of-gods.html">the last <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update</a>, a significant event has taken place in this blogger's personal life, dearest blog fiends. On 26 October, yer actual Keith Telly Topping hit sixty. Hard. I mean, <i>really </i>hard. A few years ago this milestone would have got him, at the very least, a free bus pass. These days, he doesn't even get <i>that</i>. Thank you, government - what did this blogger ever do to piss <i>you</i> off? (Rhetorical question, just in case anyone was wondering.)<br />
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Anyway, dear blog readers, in a somewhat belated celebration of this blogger's own personal diamond jubilee, here's a <i>From The North</i> Though For The Day. <br />
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This blog covered the release - and wholly surprising brilliance - of <i>Hackney Diamonds</i> in <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/twilight-of-gods.html">a previous <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationism update</a> however, since then we have also seen <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Opxhh9Oh3rg">a new record by The Be-Atles</a> (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) hit the shops. This blogger's initial thoughts were that it sounded more like a John Lennon solo song from <i>Imagine</i> or <i>Mind Games</i> than a Be-Atles song, <i>per se</i> (unsurprisingly perhaps since, in essence, it <i>is</i>). And, also, that it was a bit slight, both lyrically and in terms of the basic tune (that it was a chorus in search of some verses). But they've worked it jolly nicely, Giles Martin's strings are <i>lovely</i> and it sounds ... rather decent. Following a couple of days of hearing it virtually non-stop, however, it <i>has</i> grown on this blogger considerably (Peter Jackson's nostalgic video for the song certainly helped in that regard). The one thing that was missing from 'Now & Then' for this blogger, was a recognisable George Harrison moment. We all know he's on there, that the acoustic guitars at the start are him and Paul playing together but there's nothing that stands up and shouts '<i>Hey! George Harrison contribution here, if you please</i>!' This blogger quite likes Macca's slide solo <i>homage</i> in a George-style(e), it's one of those 'if you close you eyes it could, <i>almost</i> be' moments. But, then again, they couldn't really do anything about that since George wasn't available to play it himself in 2023. Nevertheless, all that said, it's enjoyable for what it is. It's <i>not</i> 'Hey Jude' or 'Strawberry Fields Forever' or 'Yesterday' or 'Tomorrow Never Knows', but it was never going to be. Like 'Free As A Bird' and 'Real Love', this blogger doubts he'll be playing it once a month in preference to, say, something from <i>The White Album</i>. But, ultimately, it's ... <i>nice</i>. And that is both the best and worst this blogger can say about it. To paraphrase yer actual Sir Paul, 'It's the bloody Be-Atles, <i>shut up</i>!' There is, incidentally, a really fascinating interview that Giles Martin gave to <i>Variety</i> about producing 'Now & Then', which you can read <a href="https://variety.com/2023/music/news/beatles-giles-martin-now-and-then-producer-remixing-red-blue-albums-interview-1235778746/">here</a>. <br />
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In related Be-Atles news, the popular beat combo of the 1960's two career retrospective LPs, <i>1962-66</i> and <i>1967-70</i> (otherwise known by just about everyone as <i>The Red Album</i> and <i>The Blue Album</i>) are being <a href="https://www.officialcharts.com/chart-news/beatles-red-blue-album-now-then-2023-reissue-tracklist-release/">expanded and reissued</a> next week. With both of The Fab Four's hits compilations celebrating their fiftieth anniversaries in 2023, the records have been remastered in Dolby Atmos and will include bonus material not featured on the 1973 releases. Of course, inevitably, just about everyone has at least one of their own favourite songs left off and queried the inclusion of something else in its place (the absence of 'Rain' seems to be the most complained about omission) but, as this blogger told his many <i>Facebook</i> fiends when the announcement was made: 'Not <i>at all</i> sure about the inclusion of 'I Want You' and the <i>exclusion</i> of 'Free As A Bird' (especially considering how good <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hO6jm67z-QI">some amateur demix versions</a> sound) and 'Real Love' but, otherwise, this blogger is struggling to find <i>any</i> fault with the new song line-up.'' And when one of this blogger's beast fiends, Christian, had a bit of a whinge about this being 'a missed opportunity' and questioned some of the selections, Keith Telly Topping slapped him down, hard: 'I've no idea what "opportunity" this was other than as an expanded "Best Of" collection. One can argue about individual songs. 'Within You Without You' deserves its place simply as an example of George's Indian phase which was an important part of the band for a year-and-a-half. If you're doing a "career retrospective" you do it properly and don't skip bits; that was always the problem with the original vinyl, if it <i>had</i> a problem - an under representation of certain really important parts of The Be-Atles <i>oeuvre</i> (<i>Revolver</i> most notably, their early cover versions, George's development as a songwriter, a couple of <i>fine</i> b-sides). Most of which have been at least touched upon in the new version. So, I'm with you on 'Rain', possibly with you on 'Glass Onion' but, otherwise, nah, you're wrong. <i>Bigly</i> wrong in yer bigly wrongness. So, just sit there in yer bigly wrongness being bigly wrong.' That's Keith Telly Topping, dearest bloggerisationism fiends. Hard, but fair. <br />
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Of course, the second that those were announced, it was inevitable that <i>these</i> would follow not very far behind. Is it, one wonders, too late for this blogger to change his CD order? After all, Dick Jaws needs a new pair of trousers. Shocked <i>and </i>stunned. <br />
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Speaking of things that kicked-off, big-style in 1963 and are celebrating an anniversary this year, that brings us with the strange inevitability of the inevitably strange to <b>Doctor Who</b>. The BBC's popular, long-running family SF drama (you might've heard of it). The BBC have now <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTRam_4a4cw">announced</a> that the forthcoming trio of anniversary specials are set to premiere in the UK on BBC1 and <i>iPlayer</i> on Saturday 25 November, with episode two broadcast on 2 December and episode three on 9 December. The titles for all three episodes were revealed in a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqsPWnue5g4">trailer</a> released before the <b>Eurovision Song Contest</b> final on 13 May. The first special is entitled <i>The Star Beast</i>, the second is <i>Wild Blue Yonder</i> and the third <i>The Giggle</i>. <br />
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We will also see Ncuti Gatwa's first full episode as The Doctor 'over the festive period.' Filming on the Christmas special (directed by Mark Tonderai) started in February 2023, with locations in Bristol dressed in festive decorations. This marks the first <b>Doctor Who</b> Christmas special since 2017's <i>Twice Upon A Time</i>, with more recent specials going out on New Year's Day. No broadcast date has yet been confirmed although speculation continues that <b>Doctor Who</b> will be returning to the BBC1 Christmas Day slot that it held from 2005 to 2017. <br />
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Details have been released of the special features which will accompany the three <b>Doctor Who</b> specials when they are released on steelbook, Blu-ray and DVD on 11 December. As well as David Tennant and Catherine Tate, other guest stars include Neil Patrick Harris, Yasmin Finney, Miriam Margolyes, Jemma Redgrave and many more. The release will feature all three anniversary special episodes. A list of the extra features (some of which looks proper thrilling) can be found <a href="https://scifibulletin.com/2023/10/26/special-features-for-doctor-who-specials-out-on-blu-ray-dvd/">here</a>. <br />
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Russell Davies' during an interview with <i>SFX</i> (Christ, is that <i>still</i> going), revealed that he is already planning his third series of <b>Doctor Who</b> in his second spell as showrunner and will later tackle a fourth batch of episodes. He also confirmed that the forthcoming first series featuring Ncuti Gatwa will, in fact, be officially known as 'season one'. Ncuti's debut is clearly meant as the start of a new era for <b>Doctor Who</b>, with the sixtieth-anniversary specials 'likely serving as a bridge between the franchise's past and future,' <a href="https://comicbookmovie.com/tv/bbc-america/doctor-who/doctor-who-showrunner-russell-t-davies-reveals-season-14-is-actually-season-1-confirms-plans-for-season-4-a207593#gs.00tttn">according</a> to speculation on the <i>Comicbook Movie</i> website. 'I'm planning season three now, there's plans for season four,' Big Rusty told <i>SFX</i>. 'Absolutely. Who knows? Who knows. I'm not getting any younger. At the risk of sounding sanctimonious, but I really, really mean this - they were going to do this to the show anyway and I genuinely thought, "It needs looking after,"' Davies added. We also learned that a special behind-the-scenes making-of episode will be released on <i>iPlayer</i> as part of an exclusive <b>Doctor Who: Unleashed</b> episode. In other news, it has been <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/david-tennant-fourteenth-doctor-comic-relief-newsupdate/">announced</a> that a new <b>Doctor Who</b> mini-episode will be broadcast on BBC1 later this month, on 17 November, as part of the annual <b>Children In Need</b> charity telethon.<br />
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<i>The Celestial Toymaker</i> is, <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/classic-doctor-who-celestial-toymaker-animation-newsupdate/">reportedly</a>, set to be the next <b>Doctor Who</b> story to get its lost episodes restored in an animated release. The reported restoration looks set to come just in time for the eponymous Toymaker to return for the sixtieth anniversary specials. The <i>Daily Mirra</i>, if not anyone slightly more reliable, reports that episodes will receive an animated release imminently. The fourth episode of the four-part story was the only one remaining in the BBC archives after a recording from Australia was returned to the BBC in 1984. It was later released on DVD as part of the <i>Lost In Time</i> DVD box-set of partially lost stories. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Ninety Six: <i>The Torture Garden</i>. Niall MacGinnis: 'You don't mind spending the night here alone?' Michael Bryant: 'No, of course not.' Niall MacGinnis: 'Well, look after yourself!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Ninety Seven: <i>Witchcraft</i>. Marie Ney: 'Born in evil, death in burning!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Ninety Eight: <i>The Mummy's Shroud</i>. André Morell: 'He says that <i>death</i> awaits all who disturb the resting place of Kah-To-Bey! <i>Death</i>!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s (or, in this case, 2021). Number Ninety Nine: <i>Last Night In Soho</i>. Thomasin McKenzie: 'I know what you did.' Terence Stamp: 'I've done a lot of things, Eloise. You're gonna have to be more specific, luv!' <br />
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Because, nothing (and this blogger does mean <i>nothing</i>) wakes you up better on a quiet Saturday morning than Diana Rigg playing a serial killer. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Musical Comedy Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number One Hundred: <i>Help!</i> Malcolm Evans: 'Excuse me, The White Cliffs Of Dover?' <br />
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Because, dear blog reader, if a joke is worth telling, it's worth telling <i>twice</i>. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number One Hundred & One: <i>The Vulture</i>. Robert Hutton: 'To get to the point, Professor, my reason for being here in that parchment found in the church. You were <i>very</i> interested, I believe?' Akim Tamiroff: 'Yes, I was ... and for a very singular reason.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number One Hundred & Two: <i>The Sorcerers</i>. Ian Ogilvy: 'I'm bored. Blue, black and bloody indigo!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number One Hundred & Three: <i>The Tell-Tale Heart</i>. Laurence Payne: 'You know, don't you? You can hear it, can't you? The beating ... of <i>his heart</i>!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number One Hundred & Four: <i>They Came from Beyond Space</i>. Jennifer Jayne: 'Sentiment! I will not have sentiment interfering with our vital work!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & Shit-Weird SF Quasi-Psychedelic Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number One Hundred & Five: <i>Wonderwall</i>. Jack MacGowran: 'I don't like songs. Music is just organised noise and noise is poison to the mind!'<br />
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And <i>that</i>, dear blog fiends, concludes another semi-regular <i>From The North</i> feature. There may be a new one along to replace it, shortly. <br />
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We now come to that part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the orbit of all the moons of Saturn, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into the New Year <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">feeling rotten</a>; experienced five day <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more of them</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; continued to suffer from <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured a second <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took <i>ages</i> to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where nothing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">remotely health-related occurred</a>; received further <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; was subject to more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; received yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">blood tests</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a>; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sick note</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some surprising but welcome <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of general <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into 2023</a>. There was that whole '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the painful night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; getting some new <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">spectacles</a>; returning to the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">East End pool</a>. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling genuinely <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">wretched</a>. Experiencing a nasty bout of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">gastroenteritis</a>. Had a visit from an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>. Did the 'accidentally going out in my <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">slippers</a>' malarkey. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">return</a> of the dreaded insomnia and the dreaded return of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/they-dont-know-what-is-what.html">the fatigue</a>. The latest <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/if-its-not-love-then-its-bomb-that-will.html">tri-monthly prickage</a>; plus, yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/death-so-called-is-thing-which-makes.html">sleep disturbances</a>, a further bout of day time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/fudgel-today-shivviness-tomorrow.html">retinology</a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/the-square-on-globe.html">exhaustion</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/my-long-sickness-of-health-living-now.html">a nasty cold</a> in the very week that he got his latest Covid and influenza inoculations. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwZylZjrV52vXZvdfbvi8N_3dAKZEFiZEOqUVmodGMBEHZSvZX89dM0LuQfw3kWt9W2P6RfjhrIxovALzOVqIb8wGqZzqWv7g_0wPsCNLww-9SZovuAoGxm7nmeWsM4r9c79Ce0dAp4toyo2_TfK2sI50WR_Os2bRsjIIVmd-IH3dOAYfTKw/s450/_%20that%27s%20got%20to%20hurt!.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="450" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwZylZjrV52vXZvdfbvi8N_3dAKZEFiZEOqUVmodGMBEHZSvZX89dM0LuQfw3kWt9W2P6RfjhrIxovALzOVqIb8wGqZzqWv7g_0wPsCNLww-9SZovuAoGxm7nmeWsM4r9c79Ce0dAp4toyo2_TfK2sI50WR_Os2bRsjIIVmd-IH3dOAYfTKw/s320/_%20that%27s%20got%20to%20hurt!.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
For those dear blog readers who recall the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">knee-through-the-bath incident in February</a>, two cheerful lads from The Department Of Baths arrived at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House a couple of weeks ago to begin the process of replacing Basil, the badly damaged Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath with a new one, complete with attached shower unit (as yet, unnamed). It was, this blogger was told, going to take about eight working days in total. They started on the first day by shifting everything that wasn't nailed down from the bathroom into Kevin, the Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House kitchen (which meant this blogger who can barely swing a cat in there at the best of times, was now in an even worse position in terms of not being able to use the washing machine or the cooker for anything other than very basic things). Then they stripped all of the tiles off the wall and the floor and did some drilling. To be fair, this blogger was expecting a fair bit of disruption over the following week-and-a-half but would, hopefully, have a nice new bathroom suite(-ette) at the end of it. Of course, in the end it didn't quite work out to be <i>that</i> simple or anything even remotely like it. You just sort of <i>knew</i> that was coming, dear blog reader, did you not? <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilwsnSWIDKHZ-JSGDbBF5BQL_JkiyrtS3eb1dlOvd3oelDbjtJmzXc-HFHqIax9_NZsTxDRnhS4MqO6yJEnRh3CFbIHoGI4aUza7TSQgteSPP89kZdTKHO_HvuIrKZVpeyDISgjOMb89DEjrsFcFYbjP1UqQZDV6Fks_5wx0FsF-iGovEjQg/s799/1.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="599" data-original-width="799" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilwsnSWIDKHZ-JSGDbBF5BQL_JkiyrtS3eb1dlOvd3oelDbjtJmzXc-HFHqIax9_NZsTxDRnhS4MqO6yJEnRh3CFbIHoGI4aUza7TSQgteSPP89kZdTKHO_HvuIrKZVpeyDISgjOMb89DEjrsFcFYbjP1UqQZDV6Fks_5wx0FsF-iGovEjQg/s320/1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Day Two of The Great Bath Thingy. The plumber (and his mate) arrive for the first - big - job, which was getting the old bath, wash basin and netty out (it's quite a tight squeeze due to the bookcase situated just outside the lavatory door on the Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House landing). There was a lot of banging and crashing going on in there, so this blogger decided to put <i>Super Black Market Clash</i> on the stereo just distract himself - albeit, not at a huge volume since it was still early and the people next door may still have been a-bed. In the middle of 'Jail Guitar Doors', the plumber stuck his head around the front room door and said 'this is <i>really</i> good, who is it?' I replied that it was The Clash. 'Are they an <i>old</i> band?' he asked. Aw, bless. At that point, this blogger felt about a hundred years old himself!<br />
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The following morning, whilst the plasterer was busy doing his malarkey after an electrician has sorted out the room's lighting, this blogger attended his local medical centre to get his latest B-12 injection (see above) and, also, took the opportunity to buy some - increasing rare - Cheese & Onion Discos from just about the only place in Newcastle he knows that still sells them. <br />
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Anyway, by the afternoon the new bath, basin and netty had been thoroughly installed. The tiling and flooring were, this blogger was assured, likely to be done on Monday and/or Tuesday with a paint job to follow. The putting up of the shower curtain and the shower wall fixtures would be the last thing done, 'probably on Thursday, maybe Friday' according to the plumber. The room still looked a complete bloody mess, frankly, but at least the new hardware was now <i>in</i> and all that needed to be done was, essentially, aesthetics. <br />
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And the chief plumber, Chris (<i>very</i> nice chap) was having a look at the music on one of this blogger's USB sticks during his tea break and said 'aw, stick some New Order on!' This blogger was delighted to comply (he went for <i>Substance</i> ... over style). <br />
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Nevertheless, by Sunday, this blogger's mood had considerably darkened. In fact, this blogger was - not to put too fine a point on it - <i>effing Goddamn pissed off</i> with life in general. That was supposed to be a nice quiet day in the middle of all of the clart with the bathroom but that was <i>never</i> realistically going to happen. Firstly this blogger forgot to put the clocks back the night before so he was up at what he thought was half-past-seven but was actually half-<i>six</i>. Then, the lass in the flat downstairs from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House knocked on the door to inform this blogger that water was leaking through the floorboards and the ceiling into their bedroom. So, Keith Telly Topping have to call out an emergency plumber to check the work of the plumber who put the bath and basin in on Friday. The - scarily young - chap eventually arrived but was worse than useless, spent half-an-hour sussing out where the leak was coming from (the basin as it turned out), isolated that but left telling this blogger he couldn't guarantee that was the only leak and that this blogger should 'keep an eye on it for the next couple of hours.' No shit, Sherlock? Do you ever have one of those days, dear blog reader, where you just wish you'd never gotten out of bed? <br />
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Some paper towels were laid down just to make sure that no further leaking was occurring and, thankfully, by Monday morning they were all still as dry as a bone. On Monday morning, this blogger needed to get to the bank and the shops for some necessary supplies so he waited for the workmen to arrive at their usual time of between eight and nine. None were forthcoming. This blogger waited and waited, till he could wait no more and left the gaff for a couple of hours, frankly rushing around in a way that he shouldn't in his present medical condition (see above). Upon returning to the gaff, there was still no sign of any of the expected workers so this blogger just wrote the day off, assuming they'd had an emergency call-out elsewhere and had a long lie down to recover from all of his rushing-about-like-a-madman malarkey. <br />
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Tuesday followed a similar pattern of no one arriving when expected (or, even, when <i>not</i> expected). Eventually, in the early afternoon, this blogger rang the number he had been given for the company whom the Department Of Baths had subcontracted to do the work and spoke to a very nice young lady called Mia. He said that his gaff was currently being worked upon but that he'd seen neither hide not hair of anyone since the previous Friday, he'd had a (smallish) leak, seemingly fixed but that, nevertheless, he was unhappy about this and could he have some idea when the rest of the work would be completed. The long and the short of it appeared to be that there'd been 'some delay' in getting the shower components but that they would be out 'as soon as possible.' Maybe that afternoon, more likely the next day (Wednesday). <i>Perhaps</i> the day after that (Thursday). This blogger explained that he had an - unavoidable - medical appointment early the next day but that he should be back in the drum around 10am and that he would be thoroughly available for all of the rest of that day. And, indeed, all of Thursday and Friday too, if needed. He also mentioned that with the Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House kitchen still full of all the bathroom fixtures and fittings, he was finding it <i>very</i> difficult (or, indeed, impossible) to actually get on with doing normal, everyday things like washing, cooking and the like. With that done, this blogger then indulged in the latest Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House addiction. 'It's like heaven in a mug' dear blog readers. And, it costs a mere 8.3 pence per shot so it's <i>much</i> cheap than crack.<br />
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Wednesday came and went with this blogger attending his annual diabetes check-up and then returning, hot-foot, to The Stately Telly Topping Manor to wait around all day for a bunch of workmen that <i>never</i> came. Well, sod <i>that</i> for a game of soldiers. Albeit, the evening was somewhat enlivened by this blogger's beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Magpies going to Old Trafford and giving The Scum <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXizeL7vqqQ">a damned good shellacking</a> in the Carabao Cup. G'yddip Th Toon, dear blog reader
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This blogger's thanks go to his excellent fiend Nick for alerting Keith Telly Topping to the existence of <i>this</i> here gem. <br />
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By Thursday, this blogger was ready, bright and early, to ring Mia back and give her a piece of his mind but, fortunately for all concerned (particularly this blogger), we had the first sighting of a couple of chaps in Hi-Viz jackets from The Department Of Baths since the previous Friday to do some tiling and cladding. They appeared to be Polish (and, therefore, one imagined if the crass national cliches are accurate, <i>really</i> good at their jobs). They were, it turned out, <i>very</i> nice (and also pure dead happy to be out of the driving rain of Storm Ciaran which was lashing Tyneside big-style that morning). This blogger offered them both a coffee but they had brought their flasks with them (so few people even <i>have</i> thermos flasks these days). There was, soon, a lot of drilling and banging going on. It sounded like side three of <i>Metal Machine Music</i> in there. A third colleague soon turned up to do the prep work outside the Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, in the street, in the middle of Storm Ciaran, under a hastily assembled (and, rather fragile-looking) awning. He looked, frankly, a bit miserable to be stuck out there whilst his mates were inside in the warm. This was getting quite entertaining. <br />
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By the afternoon, we were a bit further on after three days of complete inactivity. All the cladding had been done, the shower was now fixed, as had the curtain rail although the curtain itself still wasn't. The floor tiling was, this blogger was told, next (possibly 'tomorrow, possibly Monday'). Which would leave only the painters. Nevertheless, this blogger felt a lot happier that day than he had previously. Despite the weather. <br />
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Friday began, exactly as this blogger had expected, with an early morning phone call from the company (not Mia, this time, but a chap called Dan) informing this blogger that, unfortunately, they could not do the flooring today but they would, <i>definitely</i>, be back on Monday and was that all right? This blogger - through gritted teeth - lied that yes, he supposed it was. However, the day wasn't a complete write-off, there was an unexpected highlight - the arrival of incoming winter fur-lined boots; this time the <i>correct</i> size (eleven). A fraction under thirty quid, as well. Of course, it was going to be a couple of days before this blogger would actually be able to go out into the teeth of the hurricane and test them out. <br />
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Saturday was <i>great</i>. This blogger accepted an invitation to The (Other) Stately Telly Topping Manor, belonging to Our Maureen Topping, Our Graeme Topping and Our Colin Topping, for an evening of watching Th' Toon taking on - and defeating - The Arse. And, lo, it was <i>glorious</i> in wor sight! What made it even better, of course, was the ludicrous throwing-his-toys-out-of-his-pram meltdown in front of the media by The Arse's manager about what a damned disgrace all of this was after the event. Despite the fact that it, in actual fact, wasn't a damned disgrace or anything even remotely like it (expect the fact that the Arse, a team with title aspirations, managed to go through the entire ninety eight minutes and only have but <i>one</i> shot on target). Grow up, Mister Arteta, you're supposed to be an adult not a petulant bratty five year old. <br />
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And then, there was <i>this</i>. Which, yes, this blogger <i>really</i> deserved! It was <i>geet lush</i> of course. Basmati rice, tiger prawns in garlic and chicken with water chestnuts in oyster sauce, all made by this blogger's <i>very</i> talented brother and scoffed with much relish whilst we watched <b>The Beatles & The Beeb</b> on BBC2. All of which followed Th' Toon giving The Arse a jolly good beasting and this blogger consuming the first alcohol to pass his lips in at least a year or more. Two (largeish) glasses of wine and a Baileys with ice. This blogger will say this for his brother, sister-in-law and nephew, they know how to throw a surprise sixtieth Birthday <i>soiree</i> with some considerable <i>elan</i>. Talented family, that! <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI9Ae9g0Ea4">And Th' Toon won</a>. A perfect night, really.<br />
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Mind you, dear blog reader, this blogger was feeling more than a smidgen dazed and confused on Sunday morning. That was, after all, more alcohol that this blogger drank the previous evening than he had done in a <i>long</i> time. <br />
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Sunday, of course, was also Guy Fawkes' Night. By early evening there were so many bangs and crashes going off in the vicinity of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House that this blogger assumed for a moment that Hamas had invaded North Tyneside. <br />
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Matthew Perry, who was found dead at his home last week aged fifty four, brought a wry and sharp sense of humour to the role of Chandler Bing in <b>Friends</b>, the American sitcom featuring six twentysomethings in Manhattan facing the ups and down of everyday life. Which for the majority of its ten series was very much a <i>From The North</i> favourite. 'Chandler's a guy who's just not comfortable in his own skin - he's got a great excuse to be funny,' said Perry of the sarcastic, neurotic character in the programme that ran from 1994 to 2004. 'He's an exaggerated form of me.' The neurosis partly came from Chandler experiencing the divorce of his parents when he was nine and using humour as a defence mechanism. It echoed Perry's own life, with his mother and father splitting up before his first birthday. Through his work in 'statistical analysis and data reconfiguration' the character pulled in more money than the other friends - Rachel (Jennifer Aniston), Monica (Courteney Cox), Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow), Ross (David Schwimmer) and Joey (Matt LeBlanc) - although he hated his job. Chandler had already met Monica Geller at college before they became neighbours in Greenwich Village, where he shared an apartment with aspiring actor Joey. By the end of the fourth series, the relationship had gone from being close friends to lovers and, three years later, they were husband and wife. Unable to have children of their own, they adopted twins, with their birth as a central storyline, alongside Ross and Rachel reuniting, in <b>Friends</b>' final episode, which attracted more than fifty million viewers in the US. By then, the programme's impact on popular culture had spread well beyond its homeland. Joey's 'How <i>you</i> doin'?' and Chandler's 'Could I <i>be</i> any more ...' lines broke into the language of its young audience whilst the entire, ludicrous, internal logic and much of the dialogue of this blogger's favourite episode, <i>The One Where Everybody Finds Out</i> ('But, they don't <i>know</i> we know, they know, we know!') can be recited, <i>ver batum</i>, by millions of viewers. The part earned Perry worldwide fame that continues to this day with Netflix bringing the sitcom to a new generation. Nevertheless, stardom did nothing to help the actor to overcome his own insecurities and vulnerabilities. In 1997, Aniston said: 'His feelings get hurt. He cares what people think. He even bruises easily.' Perry's battles with his personal demons first hit the headlines halfway through the sitcom's run. In his 2022 memoir, <i>Friends, Lovers & The Big Terrible Thing</i>, Perry recalled a journey to alcoholism that went from beer and wine at fourteen to drinking vodka by the quart, as well as getting addicted to prescription drugs. In 1997, he checked into a Minnesota rehab clinic for twenty eight days when he became hooked on a painkiller and appetite suppressant after a jet-ski accident and a thirty five pounds weight loss. Three years later, he was hospitalised with pancreatitis. In 2001, he abruptly left the set of the film <i>Serving Sara</i> to go into rehab again. Perry reflected that by 2018, at the age of forty nine, he had spent more than half his life in treatment centres. That year he suffered pneumonia and an exploded colon caused by opioid overuse, resulting in time on life support and two weeks in a coma. He converted his Malibu home into a drug and alcohol rehabilitation centre, Perry House, in 2013, but closed it two years later, citing expensive running costs. He had been drug and alcohol-free for eighteen months before the screening in 2021 of <b>Friends: The Reunion</b>, a one-off special bringing back together the programme’s six stars.<br />
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Born in Williamstown, Massachusetts, Matthew was the son of Suzanne, a Canadian journalist and John Bennett Perry, an American actor. He grew up mainly in Ottawa when his mother returned to her home country and eventually became press secretary to the then Prime Minister, Pierre Trudeau. In 2017, Perry revealed that he and another pupil at Rockcliffe Park elementary school had beaten up Justin Trudeau, Pierre's son and the current Canadian Prime Minister. Trudeau responded on <i>Twitter:</i> 'I've been giving it some thought and you know what, who hasn't wanted to punch Chandler? How about a rematch?' While studying at Ashbury college, Perry became a top-ranking junior tennis player. He practised up to ten hours a day, but switched that determination to acting after travelling to Los Angeles when he was fifteen and being reunited with his father. 'I wanted to be famous so badly,' he told the <i>New York Times</i> in 2002. 'You want the attention, you want the bucks and you want the best seat in the restaurant.' He made an impression with leading roles in sitcoms: Chazz Russell in <b>Second Chance</b> (1987), retitled <b>Boys Will Be Boys</b> for its second series the following year, Billy Kells in <b>Sydney</b> (1990) and Matt Bailey in <b>Home Free</b> (1993) before <b>Friends</b> came along. Perry's big-screen debut came as River Phoenix's best friend in <i>A Night In The Life Of Jimmy Reardon</i> (1988), but he never became the film star he hoped to be despite appearances in <i>Fools Rush In</i> (1997), <i>Three To Tango</i> (1999), <i>The Whole Nine Yards</i> (2000) and its sequel, <i>The Whole Ten Yards</i> (2003), both alongside Bruce Willis. He stuck with television. Switching to drama, he had a short run as Joe Quincy, a Republican lawyer, in three excellent episodes of <b>The West Wing</b> in 2003 and starred in another Aaron Sorkin series, <b>Studio Sixty On the Sunset Strip</b> (2006-07). <br />
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His own sitcom idea, <b>Mister Sunshine</b>, with him playing Ben Donovan, a San Diego arena operations manager, was dropped after a short run in 2011. The following year he starred as Ryan King, a sportscaster, in <b>Go On</b> and later played Oscar Madison in a revival of <b>The Odd Couple</b> (2015 to 2017). He also wrote and starred in the play <i>The End Of Longing</i>, which debuted in London's West End in 2016. He guest-starred in several episodes of the CBS drama <b>The Good Wife</b> (2012-13) as attorney and political candidate Mike Kresteva. He reprised his role in the sequel <b>The Good Fight</b> (2017). He had relationships with many high-profile actresses including Julia Roberts, Minnie Driver and Lizzy Caplan. From 2020 to 2021, he was engaged to Molly Hurwitz, a talent manager. His parents survive him. <br />
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Next, the <i>From The North</i> Headline of The Week award which goes to this gem from the <i>Birmingham Mail</i>: <a href="https://www.birminghammail.co.uk/black-country/we-hunt-ghosts-spare-time-28037104"><i>'We Hunt Ghosts In Our Spare Time - But They've Followed Us Home & Haunt Us'</i></a>. Probably a good idea in that case to stop and take up another hobby. <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader, XTC? This blogger always suspected that Andy Partridge was in league with The Dark One. <br />
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Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-78403676451955572182023-10-24T17:21:00.007+01:002023-10-25T20:45:06.143+01:00Twilight Of The Gods<div style="text-align: justify;">
National heartthrob David Tennant will front a BBC4 documentary on <b>Doctor Who</b> ahead of the popular, long-running family SF drama's sixtieth anniversary. <b>Talking Doctor Who</b> will see Tennant travel back in time through the BBC archives to tell the story of <b>Doctor Who</b>'s early years. The documentary will also include archive interviews from past Doctors, from the late William Hartnell through to Sylvester McCoy. The hour-long programme is set for broadcast on Wednesday 1 November. It was recently revealed that most of <b>Doctor Who</b>'s earlier series will be coming to BBC <i>iPlayer</i>. More than eight hundred episodes will be available on <i>iPlayer</i>, also from 1 November although, the BBC recently confirmed that the back catalogue will <i>not</i> include the first story, <i>An Unearthly Child</i>, due to a rights issue. Or, to put another way, because someone's being a knob. <br />
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Various online descriptions of the current, sad, situation regarding <i>An Unearthly Child</i> <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/history-is-nothing-but-activity-of-men.html">detailed</a> in the last <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationism update as 'a Mexican stand-off' between the protagonists are, surely, inaccurate? Although, if <i>The Aztecs</i> had been the <b>Doctor Who</b> story in question, <i>that</i> would be an entirely different matter. <br />
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Meanwhile, both David and Big Rusty have been interviewed by <i>Empire</i>, parts of which are available online, <a href="https://www.empireonline.com/tv/news/david-tennant-doctor-who-unlike-any-episode-ever-russell-off-the-leash-exclusive-image/">here</a>. <br />
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<b>Loki</b> director Kate Herron is to co-write an upcoming episode of <b>Doctor Who</b> featuring Ncuti Gatwa. Herron will script the episode with long-time collaborator Briony Redman, an actor and comedian whose work includes the Welsh crime-comedy <i>Pont Brec</i> with Damian Evans and the award-winning short film <i>Forget-Me-Not</i>. Herron is the latest name to join the upcoming series. She previously exec-produced and directed the entire Marvel <b>Loki</b> series and has also directed episodes of <b>Sex Education</b>, in which Gatwa stars. Herron and Redman have collaborated on a range of work together including the comic <i>The Storkening</i> as well as TV and film projects including <i>Fan Girl</i> and the short film <i>Smear</i>. 'This is when I absolutely love my job,' Russell said. 'Working with the stellar talents of Kate and Briony makes my whole world bigger and brighter, and a lot more fun.' <br />
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We are still some months away from his first series arriving early next year, but filming has already kicked off this week on the second series of Ncuti Gatwa's iteration of <b>Doctor Who</b>, <a href="https://www.darkhorizons.com/doctor-who-season-15-begins-production/">according</a> to <i>Dark Horizons</i>. The BBC announced the start of production on what will be the fifteenth series since the reboot in 2005. Alongside Gatwa as The Doctor, Millie Gibson is expected to return as his companion, Ruby Sunday. Further guest casting or story details are strictly under wraps at the moment. Ncuti is expected to make his official debut in the last of the trio of sixtieth anniversary specials in November before getting his own Christmas special before the end of the year. Gatwa and Gibson filmed the eight-episode fourteenth series from December last year through to July. After a three-month break, now they're back for the new run which will likely film through April or May next year. The BBC has also released <a href="https://collider.com/doctor-who-featurette-david-tennant-return/">a featurette</a> showing how David Tennant filmed his most recent regeneration which was shot completely separately from Jodie Whittaker's shoot for the scene. <br />
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Speaking at a BFI screening of the latest <b>Doctor Who</b> animation, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZqg8LCcI2Q"><i>The Underwater Menace</i></a>, executive producer Paul Hembury confirmed there are plans to animate more of the ninety odd missing <b>Doctor Who</b> episodes - indicating that the ambition is to complete the series. 'As long as there's an audience out there who want to see them, then we will endeavour to continue,' Hembury said. However, he cautioned: 'The DVD and Blu-ray market isn't getting any bigger and it was a significant contributor to the financing that we use to make these, so it's really incumbent upon us to say, "Okay, if we're going to be seeing less revenue from that source, we need to be able to replace it" - and more, because our budgets have gone up pretty significantly. So we just need to be able to make it balance out.' Despite confirming that at least one more animation is in the works, Hembury would not be drawn on which story was next on the slate, despite strong rumours that the missing 1966 serial <i>The Smugglers</i> could be in the offing. 'I would love to be able to say yes - I can't at this stage. We don't have a five, ten-year plan to work through. We do them one at a time. In all truth, I don't know whether we'll ever get to a situation where we've done every one. [But] there <i>is</i> something coming.' Hembury and <i>The Underwater Menace</i> animation director AnneMarie Walsh did, however, touch on how they decide which lost stories to animate, explaining that the selection process is 'quite complicated' with the length of the stories, the quality of the surviving audio and animated challenges posed by the story all being taken into account. Of the fourteen stories to be animated since 2006, eleven have been stories featuring Patrick Troughton's Doctor, though Hembury and Walsh hinted that fans can expect more animations featuring William Hartnell's Doctor in future. 'If we can keep going, then we will be a little more diverse in terms of the stories we select,' said Hembury. 'We weren't necessarily trying to complete the [Troughton] series, but it made sense to do that as long as the sound was good enough and the stories made sense within the budgets we had and everything else,' added Walsh. <br />
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The previously mentioned <i>From The North</i> <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/history-is-nothing-but-activity-of-men.html">bloggerisationism update</a> promised, dear blog reader, to continue this blogger's merry search through the early British press coverage of <b>Doctor Who</b> in the autumn and winter of 1963. To uncover any further revelations about how the BBC sold the series. It's been quite a ride so far and it hasn't finished yet.<br />
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One fine example, Stephen James Walker mentioned to this blogger that a press conference for forthcoming Drama Department productions, including <b>Doctor Who</b>, was held at The Langham in London on Thursday 21 November 1963. And, that it was more than likely some of the unusual and/or unique one-off quotes and information which found their way into various press reports over the following days came from journalists notes at that particular event. Donald Wilson chaired the conference, but David Whitaker was present, whilst Stephen added that he was aware other members of the production and cast had been invited although he was unsure if any had actually been present. A report in <i>The Stage</i> the following week provides photographic evidence that Verity Lambert and Carole Ann Ford, at least, <i>did</i> make it to The Langham. At around ten-past-five if the clock in the background is anything to go by. <br />
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Someone else who was clearly in attendance at that event was the <i>Daily Herald</i>'s TV reviewer Dennis Potter who, the following week, wrote <a href="https://transdiffusion.org/2020/11/30/i-wont-say-no-to-dr-who/">an interesting and nuanced, broadly supportive, piece</a> on the series (even if he was a bit dismissive of the content of episode one). Interestingly, Dennis provides another seemingly unique BBC quote about the programme being designed to 'bridge the family viewing gap between afternoon and evening telly' which, one imagines, came via either Wilson or Whitaker at the 21 November event. <br />
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Within a year, of course, Dennis would (infamously) be pitching a story idea to Verity about, 'a schizophrenic who only <i>thinks</i> he's a time traveller!' before going on to become, arguably, the greatest television screenwriter this country has ever produced. It was, tragically, uncommissioned. <br />
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The latter gem, incidentally, comes from an interview Dennis gave to Ginny Dougray of <i>The Times Saturday Review</i> in 1992, two years before his death. <br />
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This blogger's fiend Paul, who was so helpful in finding valuable published oddities for the last <i>From The North</i> update, also discovered something genuinely fascinating in the <i>Staffordshire Sentinel</i> on 4 December 1963. Alongside a preview for episode three of serial A was the first mention of the following serial B, which would debut a fortnight afterwards, using the title <i>Dr Who & The Mutants</i>. Which appears to be the sole occasion thus far discovered that any of the three 'production' titles for the first three serials as used by the BBC themselves (<i>100,000 BC</i>, <i>The Mutants</i> and <i>Inside The Spaceship</i>) appeared anywhere in print until David, Mark and Stephen revealed them in <i><b>Doctor Who</b>: The Sixties</i> thirty years later. <br />
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And, lastly for the time being, <i>here</i> is what may be the world's very first ever <i>bad</i> <b>Doctor Who</b> review, beating Mary Crozier of the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> by two whole days. Someone of absolutely no importance at the <i>Manchester Evening News</i> on 30 November 1963 whinging about the pace of <i>An Unearthly Child</i>. But, of course, it's worth remembering that now he or she is almost certainly dead and <b>Doctor Who</b> is still going and about to celebrate its sixtieth anniversary. <i>Where is your God, now</i>? <br />
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Meanwhile, still on the subject of historical newspapers whinging about what The Youth Of Yesterday were getting up to, don't be squares, Shrewsbury dance hall managers. Get hip to that crazy rhythm, daddios and be rhombuses. Or parallelograms if you prefer. Groovy. <br />
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All of which malarkey being us skidding to Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighty Five: <i>Eye of the Devil</i>. Deborah Kerr: 'Oh, Philippe, you must do something about Odile and Christian de Caray, immediately! They are devils!' Sharon Tate: 'Must you <i>always</i> do as your mother says?' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighty Six: <i>The Shuttered Room</i>. Flora Robson: 'There's no hope for Susannah if she spends even <i>one night</i> in that house.' Gig Young: 'Do I detect a threat in there somewhere?'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighty Seven: <i>Hysteria</i>. Peter Woodthorpe: 'She used to model for me, up till six months ago, of course.' Robert Webber: 'Why of course?' Peter Woodthorpe: 'She died. She was <i>murdered</i>.'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighty Eight: <i>The Nanny</i>. Jill Bennett: 'Nanny, what are you doing?' Bette Davis: 'I'm taking Master Joey an extra pillow. What are you doing up so late?' Jill Bennett: 'I couldn't sleep, I'm going to make a cup of tea.' Bette Davis: 'It's bad for you this late at night!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighty Nine: <i>Curse Of The Fly</i>. Michael Graham: 'You're not God, you're not even human! You murdered those men and you made me a murderer too.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Ninety: <i>The Night Caller</i>. Robert Crewdson: 'In a few minutes, I shall be returning to my planet. Nothing you do can stop me. My task here on Earth is completed.' John Saxon: 'Tell us about your planet, Medra.' Robert Crewdson: 'A thousand years ago, we made our first stumbling steps into space. We visited the Earth only to find we could not survive its atmosphere. But we, from Ganymede, knew that we were superior beings and had nothing to learn from you!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Ninety One: <i>Rasputin, The Mad Monk</i>. Derek Francis: 'There is sickness in the house.' Christopher Lee: 'I can see <i>that</i>. Nothing a few litres of wine won't put right.'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Ninety Two: <i>Frankenstein Created Woman</i>. Peter Madden: 'What, exactly, are you a Doctor <i>of</i>?' Peter Cushing: 'Medicine. Law. Physics. To the best of my knowledge, doctorates are not awarded for <i>witchcraft</i>. But, if they were, I'm certain that I'd qualify!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Ninety Three: <i>Repulsion</i>. Patrick Wymark: 'There's no need to be alone, you know. Poor little girl. All by herself. All shaking like a little frightened animal.'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Ninety Four: <i>The Reptile</i>. Michael Ripper: 'Who is it this time?' John Laurie: 'It's Mister Spauling. They found him this morning. Just like all the others!'<br />
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<i>Doomed</i>!<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Ninety Five: <i>Night Of The Big Heat</i>. Christopher Lee: 'If this heat goes on like this, it could very well drive us all insane. The human body simply isn't equipped to withstand such pressure and sooner or later the glands are going to fail, some more quickly than others. After that, it's only a matter of time before the brain's affected.' Peter Cushing: 'That's a logical conclusion, but I think it's one we should keep to ourselves!' <br />
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As mentioned in <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/my-long-sickness-of-health-living-now.html">a previous bloggerisationism update</a>, this blogger is still currently working during any downtime he gets, on the <i>From The North</i> 'best and worst TV of 2023' awards bloggerisation (which is still scheduled for publication around the start of December). Just over half of the fifty(ish) 'best of' entries have now been written up to at least first draft level and this blogger has also done the TV advert of the year, the Worst TV News moment of the year and the TV curiosity of the year categories which should only need a small amount of editing later. The thirty 'worst of's list is proving, as usual, to be the most fun but also, the most time-consuming to write. Over the weekend, for example, this blogger spent over two hours describing what a truly terrible year it's been for <b>This Morning</b>. Which <i>was</i> fun but there were a couple of occasions during it where Keith Telly Topping did think to himself, 'life's too short for this bollocks!' <br />
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Keith Telly Topping went to bed last Thursday, intending to watch the end of <i>Richard III</i> on BBC4 only to discover that the DVDr in the bedroom had (after, admittedly, over a decade of loyal service at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House) gone rather <i>kaput</i>, somewhat. Which wouldn't be too much of a problem expect that it was through this device that the bedroom's telly received its TV signal. Luckily, whilst searching around in various dusty cupboards for something else entirely, this blogger came across an old Goodmans GDR11 freeview reception box which he'd bought but then never used around the time that freeview first arrived circa 2002. <br />
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Blowing the accumulated dust off the box, this blogger managed to plug it in, get the auto-tuning sorted and, as if by magic, five minutes later he had bedroom telly pictures once again. Not quickly enough to catch the end of <i>Richard III</i> and Patrick Troughton murdering The Princes In The Tower, admittedly, but <i>just</i> in time to see Patrick Troughton arrive in <i>The Omen</i>, mutter a few cryptic portents to Gregory Peck and then get a lightning rod through his neck. So, you know, win some, lose some.<br />
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Of course, all of these shenanigans were occurring just as Hurricane Higgins (or, whatever the latest weather catastrophe to hit Britain was called) arrived big-style. Jeysus, but it was <i>grim</i> out there for several days, dear blog reader.<br />
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Here, for instance, is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtxPp9UOcIc">a visual representation</a> of just how wet it was in the UK whilst we were being battered by Stormy Daniels. <br />
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This blogger wasn't planning on leaving the dryness of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House at all during the weekend but, necessity forced a trip to the post office. This blogger has strange feet, dear blog reader - on several levels, but mainly in terms of size. Keith Telly Topping is somewhere between a size ten and a size eleven. Sometimes a ten will fit him, on other occasions they're just that bit too tight; so it was earlier that week when this blogger spotted a darza pair of winter ankle boots with fur lining for sale online. They looked great and were under twenty snots (including package and posting). Unfortunately, the largest size they did was ten. So this blogger took a gamble and it didn't work out. When they arrived he could just about squeeze into them but he wouldn't have been able to walk more than ten feet before crying in pain. So, he contacted the company's customer service department for advice on how to return them for a refund. 'Hello,' Keith Telly Topping said. 'I've bought a pair of boots from your good selves but they're the wrong size; they're too tight.' 'Have you tried it with the tongue out?' the customer service operative asked this blogger. 'Yeth,' Keith Telly Topping replied, 'ofth courthe Ith've thried ith with the tongueth outh. They're sthill too thmall for my feeth.'<br />
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Needless to say this blogger <i>will</i> continue to remember, fondly, the returned items and to pray for them each night. After all, dear blog reader, shoes have soles too. <br />
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Deserved, dear blog reader? Oh, yes ... <br />
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If you're wondering exactly <i>why</i> this blogger's beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Magpies have been on such a good run of late (apart from the fact that they, you know, <i>really good</i>), evidence from the BBC suggests they're being helped by The Mysterons.<br />
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Sir Bobby Charlton, who has died aged eighty six, was one of the greatest footballers England has ever produced. He was certainly the most successful, the only English player to win all of football's major honours – the FA Cup, the Football League and European Cup with Manchester United and the World Cup with England, accumulating a then record number of international caps and goals. As captain of United in 1968, when they were the first English team to win the European Cup and a key player in the 1966 World Cup-winning team, he was the embodiment of a golden age of English football. But he was also involved in one of the game's darkest moments, the 1958 Munich air disaster, in which eight of his team-mates, three United staff and a further twelve passengers were killed. Charlton was renowned for his raking passes and explosive long-range shots, with either foot and was blessed with speed, athleticism and perfect balance. Some commentators say he was a scorer of great goals rather than a great goalscorer; the statistics undermine that claim although a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwnQZ4um0UA">show-reel of some of his greatest strikes</a> supports it. For England, he scored forty nine in one hundred and six appearances (matched by Gary Lineker in 1992 and then recently passed by Harry Kane). And, he was United’s highest all-time scorer, with two hundred and forty nine in seven hundred and fifty eight games, until 2017, when that record was beaten by Wayne Rooney. But it was his modesty and gentlemanly demeanour, as much as his outstanding ability, that won him admiration far beyond Manchester and England. At the height of his fame in the mid to late 1960s, when London and the counterculture were in full swing, one of the world's most famous Englishmen was an old-fashioned sporting hero with a comb-over and a shy smile. Across the world, the first or sometimes <i>only</i> two words of English many people could speak were 'Bobby Charlton.'<br />
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He was born in the Northumberland mining village of Ashington, the second of four sons of Robert Charlton, a miner and his wife, Elizabeth, known as Cissie, who came from the famous Milburn football family. Four of her brothers - Jack Milburn (Leeds United and Bradford City), George Milburn (Leeds United and Chesterfield), Jim Milburn (Leeds United and Bradford Park Avenue) and Stan Milburn (Chesterfield, Leicester City and Rochdale) - were professional footballers and her cousin was the Newcastle United and England legend Jackie Milburn. Bobby's elder brother, Jack, also became a footballer and, although not as gifted as his younger brother, he enjoyed a distinguished career as a centre-half for Leeds United and later as a successful manager. Jack and Bobby were England team-mates between 1965 and 1970. Most Ashington boys went down the pit on leaving school (as Jack did, briefly, before joining Leeds), but from a young age it was apparent that Bobby would become a footballer and a good one at that. He passed the eleven-plus but attending the local grammar was unthinkable because it was a rugby-playing school. However, he was such a prodigy that his headteacher - with encouragement from Cissie - arranged a place at another nearby school, the football-playing Bedlington grammar. In his last year at school, he played four times for England schoolboys, scoring five goals and football scouts from across Britain were soon knocking at the family's door. Newcastle sent along Jackie Milburn to have a quiet word with Cissie and he received offers from eighteen clubs in all, but was charmed by Manchester United's chief scout, Joe Armstrong and signed for them in 1953. Apart from a brief swansong with Preston North End and then Waterford, in Ireland, Manchester was to be his only club and an inspired choice. Not only were United a club on the rise, but their inspirational manager, Matt Busby, was prepared to give youth its head, assembling a precociously talented young team that played with swagger and flair, capturing the nation's imagination and earning them the nickname The Busby Babes. They swept all before them to win the First Division in 1955-56, and retained the title the following season, in which Charlton scored twice on his debut, against Charlton Athletic, in October 1956. As champions, United were the first English side to enter the European Cup and reached the semi-finals in 1957 before losing to eventual winners Real Madrid. A year later they beat Red Star Belgrade in the Quarter-Finals, with Charlton, now an established first-teamer, scoring three goals over the two legs. On the flight back from Belgrade the following day, the team’s plane stopped to refuel in Munich. In freezing conditions, it crashed and burst into flames while attempting to take off from the snowy runway. <br />
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Charlton was catapulted forty yards from the plane, still strapped into his seat and clear of the burning wreck. His team-mate Harry Gregg who, heroically ran in and out of the burning plane, pulling passengers to safety reportedly saw Charlton and fellow survivor Dennis Viollet lying in the snow and assumed they were dead. Charlton woke minutes later, suffering only from shock and some minor cuts. He later described his escape as a miracle, but it would haunt him for the rest of his life. The grief of witnessing friends perish - most notably his close friend Duncan Edwards - left its mark, turning an already shy young man into an introspective one. Many close to him, including Busby and his brother, said that Bobby changed for ever after Munich. 'He never got over Munich,' said Busby. 'He felt responsible. Those were <i>his</i> kids that died that day.' Characteristically, Jack was more blunt. In his 1996 autobiography, he wrote: 'I saw a big change in our kid from that day on. He stopped smiling, a trait which continues to this day.' The book lifted the lid on the brothers' strained relationship - they barely spoke for many years, partly due to the cooling of relations between Norma, Bobby's wife, whom he married in 1961 and his wider family, in particular Cissie, to whom he chose not to visit in the final four years of her life. Fortunately Bobby and Jack were reconciled before Jack's death in 2020.<br />
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Despite all the success and veneration that would come Charlton's way, he always carried a slight air of melancholy. He was not withdrawn, however, on the football field, where he exuded the freedom, desire and commanding presence characteristic of great athletes. Just twenty three days after Munich, Charlton was out of hospital and back playing for United, and for the remainder of that traumatic season and indeed the next decade, he was the foundation stone on which Manchester United were rebuilt. Showing remarkable spirit, United reached the FA Cup final within three months of the disaster, with a patched-up team of youth players, stop-gap signings and four players who had survived the crash (Charlton, Viollet, Gregg and Bill Foulkes). There was a tide of public sympathy behind them, but they lost the game to Bolton Wanderers. In April, shortly before the Cup final, Charlton made his England debut, scoring in a four-nil win against Scotland at Hampden Park. He scored twice more in his second game, against Portugal at Wembley and this earned him a place in the squad for the World Cup in Sweden that summer. It was the first of his four World Cup squads (another record for an Englishman), though he did not get any pitch time in Sweden. By the 1962 World Cup in Chile, he was a first-choice player and scored against Argentina as England reached the quarter-finals before losing to the eventual champions, Brazil. As hosts of the 1966 World Cup, England made a disappointing start, with a goalless draw against Uruguay. It was in the second game, against Mexico, that Charlton lit up England's hopes with a magnificent goal, running from his own half with the ball before unleashing a trademark thunderbolt shot. '"We want goals." Against Mexico they got one, a <i>beauty</i> from Bobby Charlton,' according to <i>Goal!</i> the FIFA film of the tournament. In the Semi-Final against Portugal, Charlton had the international game of his life, scoring both goals in the two-one win that put England into the final. He had a relatively quiet game in the final victory against West Germany, given the task by Alf Ramsey of marking the brilliant young Franz Beckenbauer, who had, in turn, been told to mark Charlton, so that they largely cancelled each other out. But the battle between the two best players on the pitch was pivotal to the game's outcome, as Beckenbauer acknowledged years later: 'England beat us in 1966 because Bobby Charlton was just a bit better than me.' Ramsey declared that Charlton was 'very much the linchpin of the 1966 team' and he was voted player of the tournament. He ended the season not only as a world champion but as Footballer of the Year and European Footballer of the Year, too. <br />
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There was to be one last World Cup near-hurrah, in Mexico in 1970. He was thirty two by then and, although he was still perhaps England's best player, in the Quarter-Final, against West Germany, with England winning two-one, Ramsey controversially substituted Charlton to conserve his energy for what seemed like a certain Semi-Final. But the Germans came back to win in extra time. It was Charlton's record one hundred and sixth cap - the game in which he passed Billy Wright's tally and a record that stood until passed by Bobby Moore four years later - and his last, an unsatisfactory end to a glittering international career. His halcyon days with England coincided with Manchester United's post-Munich renaissance. By the mid-1960s Busby had built his second great team, Charlton now at the heart of it, playing as an attacking midfielder. The line-up included George Best and the Denis Law, who together with Charlton formed a dazzling forward line that reignited the legend of The Busby Babes. They were brilliant individuals (in the space of five years, all three were named European Player of the Year) and together helped United win the FA Cup in 1963 and the league title in 1964-65 and 1966-67. Ten years after the Munich disaster, United finally realised Busby's dream of playing in a European Cup final, against the Portuguese club Benfica. United won four-one at Wembley, with Charlton scoring twice and lifting the cup as captain. For him and Foulkes, the only two crash survivors in the team, and for Busby, it was an overwhelming evening. After the match, while the rest of the team celebrated, Charlton was so exhausted that he could not get off his hotel bed to go downstairs and join the party. Busby retired as manager a year later and United went into rapid decline, though Charlton played on until 1973. With his playing career over, he felt uncertain about what to do next and simply waited for the phone to ring. It was three weeks before it did and he accepted the first offer that came his way, to become player-manager of Second Division Preston North End. The club were relegated in his first season in charge and he resigned the next. It was a chastening experience after so many illustrious years as a player, and he never returned to full-time management. <br />
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He had more success in the media, working as a BBC football pundit and in 1978 he also set up the innovative Bobby Charlton Soccer Schools, which provided top-level coaching to young players. In 1984 he returned to Manchester United as a director. He developed a close bond with the then United manager Alex Ferguson and his diplomacy and peerless standing in the game made him the perfect ambassador for the club as it developed into a global sporting brand in the 1990s. Such qualities were not lost on other sporting bodies and Charlton, who was knighted in 1994, was an automatic choice for the teams bidding to win the 1996 and 2000 Olympic Games and the 2002 Commonwealth Games for Manchester, the 2006 and 2018 World Cups for England and London's successful pitch for the 2012 Olympic Games. He is survived by Norma and their daughters, Suzanne, a former BBC weather presenter and Andrea. <br />
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This blogger is of an age where he saw Bobby play on a handful of occasions in the early 1970s (beginning with Manchester United's five-one defeat to this blogger's beloved Magpies at St James Park in 1970). This blogger was also one of twenty eight thousand people lucky enough to see a unique sight, Bobby Charlton playing in Newcastle United's famous number nine shirt, worn so proudly by his cousin Jackie Milburn. On Friday 10 May 1974, a testimonial match was held at St James' Park for United's Scottish international midfielder Tony Green whose career had been cut short by a knee injury. With Malcolm Macdonald away with the England squad, Bobby was ask to play up front for the club he had supported as a boy. The then Preston player-manager, at thirty six, still looked good enough to play at the highest level as he gave the Middlesbrough defence (including, in the first half, their manager, his brother Jack) the run-around, setting up all three of John Tudor's goals as United won five-three. It was, for one night only, a wonderful example of what might have been had Wor Jackie managed to persuade cousin Cissie to use her influence and get young Bobby to sign doon at th' Toon!<br />
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News of the death of Sir Bobby Charlton was, of course, phenomenally sad seeing the passing of, not only a twenty four carat sporting icon but, also, seemingly, a very nice, gentle and sincere man as well as great player (this blogger recalls at the 1996 Charity Shield Bobby being visibly moved as, before the game, he was walking around the Wembley pitch towards the Manchester United dressing room and he got a terrific reception from the Newcastle supporters as he passed). But to end on a - hopefully amusing - note, this blogger is reminded of a time some years ago on a football Interweb newsgroup when someone posed the question of the significant differences in temperaments between Bobby and Jackie. How, this person wondered, did Bob react when Big Jack had made one of his trademark controversial statements. 'He is <i>not</i> his brother's keeper,' someone replied, leading others to observe that no, indeed, Bobby was a centre-forward. And then, later in his career, a box-to-box goalscoring midfielder. This blogger's own contribution to the thread was to add what ultimately became the final word on the subject; that, in modern parlance, Bobby was 'not his brother's just-behind-the-front-two.' <br />
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Whilst the world was learning of the death of Manchester United icon Bobby Charlton, across Manchester, City fans were, at that very moment, holding a minute's applause for an icon of their own. Francis Lee, who died on 2 October aged seventy nine, was a prolific striker who won the First Division title with Manchester City in 1968 and then did the same with Derby County in 1975. Up front, in various positions for England, he was also a highly effective operator, including at the 1970 World Cup finals in Mexico, where he appeared - alongside Bobby Charlton - in celebrated matches against Brazil and West Germany. Short and stocky, golden-haired, self-confident and tenacious, Lee also won the FA Cup, the League Cup and the European Cup Winners' Cup during a glorious period with City, for whom he was the leading goal scorer across five seasons, partly thanks to his great ability at both winning and taking penalties. For England he scored ten goals in twenty seven appearances between 1968 and 1972. Once he left football Lee became a successful businessman and, in 1994, used his money to take control of City as its chairman during a time when the team was foundering. Although his arrival was warmly welcomed by the fans, he failed to deliver any significant improvement and stepped down after four years, although he kept his substantial shareholding for more than a decade and continued to be well-loved at the club, where he is still regarded as one of its best ever players.<br />
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Born in Westhoughton, near Bolton, Lee went to Westhoughton secondary modern school and Horwich Technical College. With the encouragement of his father, a manager in a cotton mill, he left it to sign for the nearest First Division football club, Bolton Wanderers, where he played upfront with Nat Lofthouse and scored on his debut in 1960. He was Bolton's top scorer in 1962-63 and 1963-64, and then again, after the club were relegated to the Second Division, in 1965-66 and 1966-67, by which time he was agitating for a transfer. To do so quite openly was a controversial course of action in those more subservient days, but Lee's wish was granted in the summer of 1967, when he moved for a club record sixty grand to City, having scored one hundred and six goals in two hundred and ten appearances. At Maine Road the City manager, Joe Mercer, who had built a formidable team featuring Tony Book, Mike Summerbee and Colin Bell, described Lee as his 'final piece of the puzzle' - an assessment that could hardly be denied as his new signing went on to register sixteen league goals in thirty one appearances as City won the title in his first season there, sealing it with a thrilling <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBW2WVYLJlQ">four-three away win against Newcastle</a> in which he scored. It was only City's second top-flight win, their first having come way back in 1937. The following year Lee figured prominently in City's run to the 1969 FA Cup final against Leicester City, which they won and in 1970 the <i>Guardian</i> described him as 'indefatigable and nigh irresistible' in the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5Yd66hb_R4">final of the European Cup Winners' Cup</a> versus the Polish side Górnik Zabrze, which ended in a two-one victory thanks to a decisive Lee penalty. The same scoreline against West Bromwich Albion also delivered a League Cup winners' medal that year, before he moved on to Mexico in the summer for the World Cup finals. <br />
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England, the reigning world champions, were considered to be an even better team than the 1966 winners, thanks partly to the addition of Lee. He played up front with Martin Peters and Geoff Hurst in the opening win against Romania and again in the same combination against Brazil in a brilliant match that was narrowly lost. After being rested for the final group game against Czechoslovakia he returned for the dramatic Quarter-Final against West Germany, which England contrived to lose in extra time after having had the tie in the bag after fifty minutes. Usually phlegmatic in defeat, Lee took that result harder than any other in his career. 'Normally for me, after a game, by the time I got back in the dressing room it was all forgotten,' he said. 'There would be lads around me moping and I'd say to them: "shut up, you had your chance, it's gone, move on." Nothing hung around me long. But by Christ <i>that</i> has.' Having made his England debut under Alf Ramsey against Bulgaria in 1968, Lee had quickly become a mainstay of the team, but within two years of the 1970 finals he had fallen out of favour and in 1972 he played his last international at the age of twenty eight. By that time City, no longer with Mercer, were beginning a long slide into mediocrity and, in 1974, Lee was sold against his wishes for one hundred and ten thousand knicker to Derby County, having scored one hundred and forty eight goals in three hundred and thirty appearances. He was initially displeased with the move, but Derby had finished third in the First Division the previous year and under the manager Dave Mackay they won the title in 1974-75 as Lee, Kevin Hector and Roger Davies proved to be a formidable frontline combination. The following year, as Derby finished fourth, Lee's most talked-about contribution was <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPZnXgKl70I">a ferocious televised brawl</a> with Norman Hunter in a match against Leeds, sparked by the not-uncommon contention that Lee had won a penalty with a dive. A subsequent off-the-ball confrontation ended with Hunter - Lee's room-mate when they were both in the England squad - punching him, hard, in the mush and the two players being sent off. After which Lee, presumably reasoning that he had nothing much to lose, re-engaged with his opponent and knocked him to the ground in retaliation. Condemned in official quarters, the fight nonetheless went down among us <i>ordinary</i> fans as one of the most exciting boxing bouts in English footballing history. You can keep yer Muhammad Ali walking onto Henry Cooper's 'ammer, men of 'a certain age' still get misty-eyed and wince as they recall Big Norman's right-hook which sent Franny sprawling to the Baseball Ground turf with a fat lip. <br />
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Lee ended his career at Derby in 1976, having made more than sixty league appearances for the club and went on almost immediately to success in business with a toilet roll manufacturing company that won major contracts supplying supermarkets around the country. He sold up for more than eight million notes in 1984, after which he became a racehorse trainer at Little Stanneylands stud farm in Cheshire, saddling one hundred and fifty winners on the flat and thirty two over the jumps over a thirteen-year period up to 1997. He then concentrated on making money through property deals. His chairmanship of City had begun with a flurry of optimism in 1994 when he bought three million smackers worth of shares from the previous owner, Peter Swales, pledging to restore the club to former glories. However, his appointment of his former England team-mate Alan Ball as manager in 1995 failed to work out and with the team teetering on the brink of the third tier in 1998 he stepped aside to be succeeded by David Bernstein, selling his shares nine years later to the controversial former prime minster of Thailand Thaksin Shinawatra. Despite his lack of success as an owner of the club, Lee's disarming honesty, self-deprecating sense of humour and patent love for Manchester City ensured that he remained a popular figure there and was able to share happily in its recent triumphs under a different regime. He is survived by his wife, Gill and their children, Charlotte, Jonny and Nik. <br />
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With his bright patkas and aesthetically pleasing bowling action, Bishan Bedi, who has died aged seventy seven, was one of the most recognisable and popular figures in international cricket during the 1960s and 1970s. His gentle, effortless run-in and stately, upright delivery created an exceptionally high, loopy flight to the ball that was often mesmerising in combination with the prodigious turn generated by his fingers. One of the finest ever spin bowlers, he gathered two hundred and sixty six wickets in his sixty seven test matches for India between 1966 and 1979 and on his retirement was the highest Indian Test wicket-taker. Even now he sits at number eight on the list, behind a set of modern-day bowlers who have mostly played far more games. Perhaps more importantly, he stands fifth among the leading left-arm test spinners of all time, below only Rangana Herath, Daniel Vettori, Derek Underwood and Ravindra Jadeja. During an era when slow bowling was the dominant force in India, Bedi operated in highly effective conjunction with three other top-quality spinners, Erapalli Prasanna, Srinivasaraghavan Venkataraghavan and Bhagwath Chandrasekhar - a celebrated quartet that was collectively responsible for eight hundred and fifty wickets in its various formulations, although there was only one occasion when they all played in the same match (against England at Edgbaston in 1967). Aside from his duties with the ball, Bedi was also captain of India on twenty two occasions, winning six and drawing eleven of his matches in charge while earning himself a reputation as a man who was prepared to court controversy. In Indian domestic cricket he played for Northern Punjab (1961 to 1967) and then Delhi (1968 to 1981), with whom he won two Ranji Trophies, while in England he had five highly successful years with Northamptonshire (1972 to 1977), guiding them to their first major trophy - the one-day Gillette Cup against Lancashire in 1976 - by taking three crucial wickets before hitting the winning runs. He ended his career with fifteen hundred and sixty wickets in all first-class cricket - the highest tally by an Indian player. Born in the Sikh capital of Amritsar, Bedi first represented Northern Punjab at the age of fifteen, despite having taken up cricket only a couple of years previously. He made his international debut in Kolkata six years later, against the West Indies in the second test of their three-match tour in 1966, taking the prized scalps of Basil Butcher and Clive Lloyd before going on to bag four wickets in the second innings of the next test in Chennai. In his trademark pink or bright blue turban, Bedi was a spin bowling purist's dream. With a languid run-up and a fluid action, bowling came naturally to him. Cricket writer H Natarajan described the left arm spinner as 'stealthy, silent and deadly, a master of deception who conjured variations in flight, loop, spin and pace without any perceptible change in action.' His best test bowling performance came in 1969, when he picked up seven for ninety eight in Kolkata against Australia in a series in which he took twenty one wickets at an average of 20.57. Thereafter he was consistently excellent, twice taking twenty five wickets against England at home in 1972-73 and 1976-77 and securing thirty one wickets in Australia in 1977-78. Apart from his wicket-taking ability, Bedi's other great strength was his accuracy and control, which made it difficult for batsmen to score. Conceding an average of only 2.14 runs an over throughout his test career, his economy rate was lower than that of any other bowler who has taken two hundred or more test wickets and has been bettered only by Lance Gibbs, Richie Benaud and Underwood. 'Bedi flighted the ball higher than any bowler in international cricket; if he could challenge quick-footed batsmen thus, it was only because his command was so complete that he would make the ball descend far quicker than it went up,' wrote Ramachandra Guha, historian and author of <i>A Corner Of A Foreign Field</i>. West Indies legend Sir Garry Sobers said Bedi 'took the weight off the ball nicely.' Mike Brearley called his bowling 'beautiful' and Sir Donald Bradman felt that Bedi 'was a real study for the connoisseur and amongst the finest bowlers of his type.' Taking over the captaincy in 1975, Bedi showed the extent of his competitive nature the following year by presiding over a dramatic Indian run-chase against West Indies in the third test in Trinidad, where his team successfully hunted down a record target of four hundred and three, a total most sides would have considered unachievable. In the fourth and final test he also demonstrated a willingness to go out on a limb, effectively conceding the match by refusing to send out his last five batsmen (including himself) in the second innings as a protest at what he saw as intimidatory bowling by Clive Lloyd's battery of fast bowlers. The following year, he accused England left-arm fast bowler John Lever of using Vaseline to swing the ball during a tour of India. In 1978, he forfeited a one day international against Pakistan, alleging partisan umpiring. There were also frequent run-ins with administrators over pay and conditions for his players. Bedi played his last test against England at The Oval in 1979, but continued to appear for Delhi until 1981, after which he became a coach at the club and, for a time, with India. He also did some TV work, though he preferred to concentrate on mentoring young cricketers through his own coaching camps and cricketing school. Off the field he became even more outspoken, variously accusing Sri Lankan Muttiah Muralitharan of having an illegal bowling action, criticising what he saw as the crass commercialism of the Indian Premier League, upbraiding the Indian cricketing authorities for being too close to the political elite and lambasting the Prime Minister Narendra Modi for his record on Covid-19. He refused a lucrative contract from Kerry Packer to play World Series Cricket, later recounting that Packer's agent had approached him three times with substantial offers. Decades later, he upbraided player auctions in the IPL, saying that he 'just did not like players being treated like horses being sold to the highest bidder.' He asked for his name to be taken off from a stand at the main cricket stadium in Delhi in protest against the statue of a dead politician belonging to the ruling BJP being installed. 'If speaking one's mind is a crime, then I am guilty several times over,' he said. Although his sometimes choleric outbursts divided opinion, he nevertheless managed to retain the general goodwill of the Indian public, who at the very least admired him for his free-thinking and above all else loved him for his elegant cricketing achievements. Bedi was an intensely social person and a flamboyant personality. His daughter remembered a 'home full of free-flowing alcohol, food and an insurmountable amount of loud laughter.' He loved dogs and brought various breeds from kennel clubs home from his stints in the UK. The 'sardar of spin' - as he was popularly called in India - had an infectious sense of humour. In England, he once picked up two dogs, named them Charles and Diana and took them to India. At the London airport, an official asked him, 'Are you taking the mickey out of our royalty?' A deadpan Bedi replied: 'No! I am taking the royalty <i>with me</i>!' He is survived by his wife, Anju, their daughter Neha and son Angad, and his son Gavasinder and daughter Gillinder from a previous marriage to Glenith Miles, which ended in divorce. <br />
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Although her first renown on television was in tough-talking professional roles - the fierce and cynical news editor Alex Pates in the first two series of <i>From The North</i> favourite <b>Drop The Dead Donkey</b> (1990 to 1991), no-nonsense doctors in <b>Peak Practice</b> (1999) and <b>Dalziel & Pascoe</b> (2005) and as Superintendent Susan Blake in the first series of <b>Merseybeat</b> (2001) - there seemed to be no limit to the talent of Haydn Gwynne, who has died of cancer aged sixty six. The impression that she could be very funny, as she was in <b>Drop The Dead Donkey</b>, was consolidated by more recent royal family forays in Channel 4's <b>The Windsors</b> (2016) in which, not to be outdone by Harry Enfield's impersonation of Prince Charles, she played Camilla basically as Cruella de Vil - or 'as if she were Joan Collins in a soap called <b>Balmoral</b>', she said. More sedately, she applied a twinkling composure to Lady Susan Hussey, woman of the royal bedchamber, in the fifth series of <b>The Crown</b> on Netflix. Haydn had been a notable musical theatre presence on stage since 1988, when she played Billie Burke, the long-suffering second wife of the Broadway producer Flo Ziegfeld and lit up an otherwise execrable extravaganza, <i>Ziegfeld</i>, at The Palladium, with torch songs delivered with stylish flair. So it was no great surprise that she stormed the stage as the dancing teacher Mrs Wilkinson in Stephen Daldry's 2005 musical transformation of <i>Billy Elliot</i>, written by Lee Hall with a new score by Elton John. She layered her performance with a teacher's melancholy and a surrogate mother’s relief as Billy came truly alive on stage and she went with the show to Broadway where she won a couple of major awards and a Tony nomination.<br />
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Haydn was a late developer as an actor, although she had dabbled in amateur dramatics while at school in Sussex. The daughter of Rosamond and Guy Hayden-Gwynne, she was born in 1957 into a large family in Hurstpierpoint, where her father ran a printing business. She had been on the verge of a career as a tennis player, having represented Sussex at junior county level, but from Burgess Hill girls' school went instead to Nottingham University, then took off for five years on a university lectureship in Rome, teaching English as a foreign language. Realising at last that she was in denial of her germane acting bug, she returned to Britain. Her first job, in December 1984, was at Alan Ayckbourn's Scarborough theatre-in-the-round in an ensemble revival of Sandy Wilson's eccentric 1971 musical <i>His Monkey Wife</i>, based on a John Collier story of a man marrying a chimpanzee. This led to engagements around the reps, playing a season at The Royal Exchange, Manchester and two great leading roles: Millamant in William Congreve's <i>The Way Of The World</i> at The Theatre Royal, Northampton and <i>Hedda Gabler</i>, in the Christopher Hampton translation of the Henrik Ibsen play, at the Bolton Octagon in 1990. She was noted as a new stage star and the director Michael Blakemore cast her as a broken-hearted, wise-cracking secretary in his production of <i>City Of Angels</i> (1993) at The Prince Of Wales. She joined the Royal Shakespeare Company for the 1994 season, inspirationally paired as Helena with Emma Fielding as Hermia in Adrian Noble's <i>A Midsummer Night's Dream</i> and as a winsome, graceful, shiningly intelligent Olivia to Fielding;s impetuous Viola in Ian Judge's <i>Twelfth Night</i>. In the same season, she made a beautiful, innovative double of Peer Gynt's mother and lover in John Barton's small-scale production led by Alex Jennings, but did not return to the RSC until a misguided Christmas musical version of <i>The Merry Wives Of Windsor</i> in 2006. All new playwrights must be buoyed by good actors and Shelagh Stephenson's debut play <i>The Memory Of Water</i> (1996) was a case in point at The Hampstead Theatre. Gwynne played one of three daughters - a doctor, in the throes of an adulterous affair - visited by the ghost of their recently deceased mother. <br />
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Her first starring role on TV was in 1989 as the feminist, lecherous lecturer Robyn Penrose in David Lodge's adaptation of <b>Nice Work</b>. She remained in demand over the subsequent thirty years, with telling cameos as, for instance, Caesar's wife Calpurnia <b>Rome</b> (2005-07). Back in the theatre, she was a formidable Southern wiseacre stricken with multiple sclerosis, in Gina Gionfriddo's <i>Becky Shaw</i> at The Almeida in 2011; as Queen Elizabeth to Kevin Spacey's <i>Richard III</i> at The Old Vic in the same year, directed by Sam Mendes and catching perfectly, according to Michael Billington, 'the moral revulsion of being enlisted by Richard in seeking the hand of her daughter, even though he has murdered most of her relatives.' Her work remained varied and always surprising: a brilliant, oddly elasticated Margaret Thatcher in Peter Morgan's <i>The Audience</i> (2013) opposite Helen Mirren's monarch, incensed about an alleged 'political' leak from the palace; Lady Wishfort - silly, selfish and ageing 'like an old peel'd wall' - as she returned to <i>The Way Of the World</i> at The Donmar Warehouse in 2018 and as a fraudulent lady from Colchester in Lucy Kirkwood's <i>The Welkin</i> at The National in early 2020. She raised the roof at the Stephen Sondheim gala <i>Old Friends</i> at The Gielgud in May 2022 with her knockout version of the great Elaine Stritch number 'The Ladies Who Lunch', from <i>Company</i>, but was too ill to rejoin the cast for this year's September run at the same theatre. Her last West End appearance was in <i>The Great British Bake Off Musical</i> in March at The Noël Coward where, as Pam Lee, she approximated to an idea of Prue Leith – with cartwheels. As the critic Dominic Cavendish said: 'Sometimes [in the theatre] you need Eugene O'Neill. Sometimes you just need a cake trolley.' Her screen CV also included appearances in <b>Lovejoy</b>, <b>A Very Peculiar Practice</b>, <b>Call Me Mister</b>, <b>Time Riders</b>, <b>Hospital!</b>, <b>The Secret</b>, <b>Absolute Power</b>, <b>These Foolish Things</b>, <b>Consenting Adults</b>, <b>Lewis</b> (a grand villainous turn alongside her <b>Drop The Dead Donkey</b> co-star Neil Pearson), <b>Poirot</b>, <b>Sherlock</b>, <b>New Tricks</b>, <b>Uncle</b>, <b>Death In Paradise</b>, <b>Hollow</b>, <b>Ripper Street</b>, <b>The C Word</b>, <b>Urban Myths</b> and <b>The Suspect</b>. Hyden was separated from her partner, Jason Phipps, a Jungian psychoanalyst, though they remained friends and is survived by him, their two sons, Orlando and Harrison and her sister, Pippa and brother, Nick.<br />
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This blogger was really hoping this, which he purchased earlier this week, wasn't going to be embarrassing, dear blog reader. He had a vague, maybe <i>eight</i> per cent expectation, that it might be actually all right. What he wasn't ready for was it being the best thing The Rock and/or Rolling Stones have recorded since 1978. By a bloody big distance as well. <i>That</i>, he did not expect. <br />
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Once again, dear blog reader, the modern world continues to baffle and bewilder this blogger. What, for instance, fresh Hell is <i>this</i>? <br />
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The <i>From The North</i> Headline of The Week award goes to <i>Metro</i> (so, not a <i>real</i> newspaper) for <a href="https://metro.co.uk/2023/10/17/doncaster-woman-paragliders-hamas-israel-palestine-19674545/"><i>Woman Slams Selfish Paragliders Who Made Her Think Hamas Were Invading Doncaster</i></a>. <i>This</i> is what happens, dear blog reader, when rural bus services are cut. This blogger blames the government, personally. <br />
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Although, to be fair, the <i>Daily Mirra</i>'s <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/nudist-slams-wetherspoons-after-being-31238609?"><i>Nudist Slams Wetherspoons After Being Told To Leave For 'Bending Over' Without Underwear</i></a> is a worthy runner-up. 'Slams' of course in both cases being tabloid-speak for 'criticises' only with less syllables. <br />
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Then, there's <i>this</i>. <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader, this blogger can confirm he knows nothing about <i>this malarkey</i>. <i>Nothing</i>. Straight up, guv. He wasn't there at the time. He was on one of the moons of Uranus. <br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-72714879605544348822023-10-17T19:29:00.025+01:002023-11-24T15:05:09.376+00:00History Is Nothing But The Activity Of Men In Pursuit Of Their Ends<div style="text-align: justify;">
Russell Davies says that he wants to write a darker LGBTQ+ drama as he feels there is 'a lot of hatred in the air.' And, he's not wrong. Speaking at <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-67112342">the Iris Prize</a>, the largest LGBTQ+ short film prize in the world, the writer and producer said that he was worried about 'where we are now.' Big Rusty said that his writing always came back to the 'here and now. I have things to say about that,' he added. Davies, who recently took charge of <b>Doctor Who</b> again after helping to revive it in 2005, said he thought his work would always relate to the modern day. 'I might write historical stuff like <b>A Very English Scandal</b>, or futuristic stuff like <b>Doctor Who</b>, but if you look at my work, it always comes back to the here and now,' he said. 'I think I have done two big pieces, which are <b>Queer As Folk</b> set in 1999 and looked at the world then. And then there was <b>Cucumber</b>, set in 2015,' Davies said. 'I think as I'm getting older now, slowing down, towards the end of my life, I would love to write a third piece that says where we are now. I worry about where we are and I think there's a lot of hatred in the air, a lot of nonsense in the air, a lot of rhetoric, and a lot of hate-makers stoking up the fires and I have things to say about that, so I'd be surprised if I don't say something about that.' He said representation was important. 'We need to constantly work to keep LGBTQ+ representation at the heart of the narrative. It's dangerous to think it's alright. There's still more that needs to be done.' Davies, whose work also includes <b>Years & Years</b> and <b>It's A Sin</b>, said it was important to keep a taste of today. 'It's very easy to sit in your office, especially as you get older and become divorced from the world and settle into things and suddenly you're writing things that could've been written ten or twenty years ago,' he said. 'One of the plus sides of gay rights and queer rights being on the news is it keeps me on my toes. I wish we didn't have half the problems or any of the problems, but actually when you're constantly the headline, when politicians constantly talk about you, when the media is constantly talking about you, at least you're on top of things, and kind of aware of the arguments.' <br />
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<b>Doctor Who</b> executive Jane Tranter has given an update on how many episodes have been shot for the upcoming season of <b>Doctor Who</b>. Which everyone knew anyway - twelve - so, this isn't really an 'exclusive' as you claimed in your rather <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-new-episodes-newsupdate/">clickbait headline</a>, <i>Radio Times</i> is it? Sorry, do you have <i>any</i> adults in the building we can speak to? Talking to <a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/jane-tranter-interview-doctor-who-ai-strikes-bad-wolf-1235612374/"><i>The Hollywood Reporter</i></a>, Jane revealed her biggest achievement in the past year and sang the praises of <b>Doctor Who</b>'s cast and crew who have made it all possible. Filming for the new series officially began in December 2022, with Ncuti Gatwa set to take over full-time following the the sixtieth anniversary specials, which will be broadcast in November (although we still don't know exactly when in November at this time). She revealed when asked about what she is most proud of from the past twelve months: 'Getting the new <b>Doctor Who</b> [series] up and running; shooting twelve episodes, fast and furious, thanks to the speed at which Russell T Davies works!' Jane added the crew have been able to 'move forward into production of season two within twelve months of starting season one,' all while working on various other programmes. <br />
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Now, dear blog reader, to the really big <b>Doctor Who</b> news of the week. One to which this latest bloggiersationisms title is, for once, appropriate. It's from Marx in case you were wondering. Groucho, probably. In <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/my-long-sickness-of-health-living-now.html">the last <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update</a>, this blogger wrote about the BBC's announcement of plans, from 1 November, to put the entirety of <b>Doctor Who</b>'s existent episode catalogue up on <i>iPlayer</i> to give those of us in the UK unlimited access to the history of the popular long running family SF drama. Sadly, however, those plans have, seemingly, fallen at the first fence and four episodes of <b>Doctor Who</b> will <i>not</i> be present (at least, initially). Four pretty important episodes, at that. You've probably heard about it - <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-an-unearthly-child-iplayer-newsupdate/">here</a>, for example. Or, <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12639589/Bizarre-reason-BBC-not-include-episode-Doctor-iPlayer.html">here</a>. Or, <a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-first-episodes-blocked-bbc-rights-dispute/">here</a>. If you <i>haven't</i> heard, then allow this blogger to direct you to <i>From The North</i> favourite The Confused Adipose on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqMkiDb5IJg"><i>You Tube</i></a>. Where Mister Adipose (this blogger is still pretty certain that's not his <i>real</i> name) gives a very precise, impressively balanced and thoughtful analysis on the sorry situation. Or, for a somewhat more 'forthright' take on the matter, try <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPiO8fcuiTs">this one</a>, from Tharries. Or <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjyvicKFbfc">this one</a>, from Mister TARDIS. Or <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vEolPGW4Fc">this one</a>, from Richard Lloyd. The latter with, it must be noted, a rather hysterically clickbait title. 'Lost <i>forever</i>'? Did Mister Coburn gain access to the BBC's archives overnight and wipe every last copy? You're waiting for this blogger's thoughts on the matter, yes? Like Mister Adipose, Keith Telly Topping intends not to editorialise about this and simply let the BBC's lawyers work on trying to resolve the situation in a bit of peace and quiet. This blogger will merely observe - he believes uncontroversially - that, from the evidence of some of the things he has been saying on social media both recently and more historically, Mister Coburn <i>does</i> appear to be a rather unpleasant individual. As if we haven't got enough of <i>those</i> in the world already. <br />
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However, one of the side-issues of this rather sorry tale of bitterness, questions of authorship and 'vengeance' (the latter word, <i>his</i> rather than anyone else's, please note), was Mister Coburn's use of <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i> as a title for the four episodes which constitutes <b>Doctor Who</b>'s serial A. This title has been around for many years and, appears to be what Anthony Coburn's initial scripts for the four episodes (<i>An Unearthly Child</i>, <i>The Cave Of Skulls</i>, <i>The Forest Of Fear</i> and <i>The Firemaker</i>) was called. It was used, in 1988 for example, as the title of the script book, a verbatim transcript of the broadcast version of the serial, edited by John McElroy and published by Titan Books. However, it is not used in many other places and, just to take one other example, if you check out the <i>Wikipedia</i> page for <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_Unearthly_Child">serial A</a>, it isn't mentioned <i>at all</i>. Of course, technically, one can argue - and, indeed, this blogger has done in the past, most notably in <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Guinness-Book-Classic-British-TV/dp/0851126286"><i>The Guinness Book Of Classic British TV</i></a> (1996 edition) - that serial A is actually <i>two</i> completely separate stories; the opening pilot episode, set in 1963 and then a three-parter set at the Dawn of Time. But let's not be pedantic, we have more important things to worry about. Like whether the serial will ever be seen in public again. Except on all of those many thousands of videos and DVDs that the BBC have sold over the years, obviously. This blogger has <i>several</i> of them himself. Firstly, however, a brief history of time ... <br />
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In December 1962, BBC Television's then Controller of Programmes, Donald Baverstock informed the corporations new Head of Drama, Sydney Newman (recently arrived from ABC where he had co-created <b>The Avengers</b>) of a gap in the schedule on Saturday evenings between <b>Grandstand</b> and <b>Juke Box Jury</b> which needed attention. Baverstock believed that a new programme should appeal to three audiences: children who had previously been accustomed to viewing television during that timeslot, the predominantly teenage audience which the popular <b>Juke Box Jury</b> attracted and the adult sports-fan audience of <b>Grandstand</b>. Newman, as detailed in David Howe, Mark Stammers & Stephen James Walker's <i><b>Doctor Who</b> The Handbook: The First Doctor - The William Hartnell Years 1963-1966</i> (Virgin Books, 1994), decided that a nominally educational science-fiction drama should fill the gap. Thus fulfilling two-thirds of the BBC's Reithian public service broadcasting commitment to 'inform, educate and entertain.' He initially offered the role of the producer on the project, first known merely as <b>The Saturday Serial</b> and then, as <b>Doctor Who</b>, to the heavyweight BBC staff producer Don Taylor (1936-2003), most noted for his collaborations with playwright David Mercer. Taylor, as detailed in his autobiography, <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Days-Vision-Mercer-Television-Sixties/dp/0413615103"><i>Days Of Vision: David Mercer & Television Drama In The Sixties</i></a> (Methuen Publishing Ltd, 1990), turned Newman down flat ('that, as they say, was an opportunity missed'). Taylor was, it must be noted, something of a snob and was displeased by the arrival of Newman at the BBC. He regarded Newman as an 'uncultured populist' with no theatrical knowledge or background; Taylor himself felt that the BBC should be the 'National Theatre Of The Air.' So, <b>Doctor Who</b>, it appears, had one Hell of lucky escape in <i>that</i> regard. As to who 'created' <b>Doctor Who</b>, the title and the concept of an old man with a time machine that he couldn't control properly wandering through the fourth dimension, appear to have been Newman's from the outset (although Donald Wilson also claimed, in 1971, to have devised the title). Newman then handed these ideas to others within the BBC's drama (series & serials) department for development. Donald Wilson, the head of the script department and the writer Bunny Webber contributed heavily to the formatting of the programme and co-wrote <b>Doctor Who</b>'s first format document with Newman circa April 1963; Newman, it is suggested, also conceived of the idea of a time machine which was larger on the inside than the outside. Production was initiated in the summer of 1963 and headed by Newman's protégé, Verity Lambert - one of, if not the, first female producer at the BBC - and story editor David Whitaker to oversee, after a brief period when the show had been handled by a caretaker producer, Rex Tucker. <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/profiles/nSTS2ZqP6Q3b5P92Lzgyq8/c-e-webber">Webber</a> is said to have submitted a <b>Doctor Who</b> pilot entitled <i>Nothing At The End Of The Lane</i>, in May 1963. The story would feature The Doctor, a schoolgirl called Biddy and her teachers, Lola and Cliff. In the event, Webber never ended up writing for the show and left the production during the summer to work on <b>Thorndyke</b>. But, some elements from his treatment <i>did</i> end up, uncredited, in the opening episode, <i>An Unearthly Child</i>. The credited author for that episode and the three which follow was Anthony Coburn. An Australian, Coburn emigrated to the UK in the 1950s and joined the BBC as a staff writer. He liaised closely with the series' story editor, David Whitaker, on establishing the characters of the show. It is <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080827231552/http://www.teletronic.co.uk/who3.htm">believed</a> to have been Coburn's idea for The Doctor's travelling companion, now renamed Suzanne, then Susan, to be his granddaughter, as he was disturbed by the possible sexual connotations of an old man travelling with an unrelated teenager. In a memo to Lambert (undated, but probably from around July or August), Whitaker referred to a rewrite that Coburn had been asked to carry out. 'Tony has improved episode one very much - particularly regarding [Ian] Chesterton. I have discussed the whole business with him and we have agreed he shall push on and finish all four scripts. Tony has inserted some details about Suzanne regarding her own existence. Doctor Who, as you will read, tells that (or hints that) Suzanne has some sort of Royal Blood. This gives Doctor Who and Suzanne good reason to leave their own environment. Of course I think we must discuss this carefully with Tony when we go through the scripts with him.' Whether Coburn was the person who had the idea that the time machine should be disguised as a police telephone box, as his son claims, is unknown, but it is more than likely. As to who came up with the name 'TARDIS' (and what it is an acronym for), again Coburn's son claims this was his father's idea whilst <b>Doctor Who</b>'s first director, Waris Hussain, insists that was <i>entirely</i> Verity Lambert's creation. On this, as with so many early decisions taken by the production team, where documentary evidence is scant or absent, we'll never know of certain. Anthony Coburn left the production around October 1963 having written a couple of further proposed story ideas (neither of which were produced although one, <i>The Masters Of Luxor</i>, has been published in script form). He remained a BBC employee, creating <b>Warship</b> and working on <b>The Onedin Line</b>. He died in 1977 when producing <b>Poldark</b>.<br />
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Anyway, back - for the first of several times - to this <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i> malarkey. When the news first broke concerning what was going on in relation to the BBC's inability to clear one of their own programmes for <i>iPlayer</i>, this blogger's <i>Facebook</i> fiend, JR Southall posted a link to it, noting, with some amusement, the use of <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i> as the story's overall title. Because, that's never been a title which has had too many supporters. Again, to briefly summarise a very complex situation, <b>Doctor Who</b> is a series of serials - ie. it's a drama series made up of stories which are told in between one and fourteen episodes. However, between 1963 and 1966, each individual episode of the series had its own title. It was only in June 1966, with the twenty sixth <b>Doctor Who</b> serial, <i>The Savages</i>, that individual episodes were given an overall story title followed by 'episode one', 'episode two', <i>et cetera</i>. Thus, as previously noted, the four episodes which constitute serial A have <i>no</i> overall on-screen title. This didn't become an issue until 1972 when Piccolo Books <a href="https://tardis.fandom.com/wiki/The_Making_of_Doctor_Who">published</a> <i>The Making Of <b>Doctor Who</b></i>, written by the series then script editor Terrance Dicks and Malcolm Hulke. In that, the authors listed and gave brief plot synopses for all of the <b>Doctor Who</b> stories to date (this book, incidentally, is where Terrance's frequently quoted '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2019/09/less-than-week-ago-this-blogger-grandly.html">mission statement</a>' that The Doctor is 'never cruel or cowardly' first saw print). In this, for overall story titles, Terry and Mac simply used the BBC records they had to hand and, thus, for the first twenty five <b>Doctor Who</b> stories, they simply used the title of the first episode of each serial. So, serial A was <i>An Unearthly Child</i>, serial B <i>The Dead Planet</i>, serial C <i>The Edge Of Destruction</i>, serial D <i>A Journey To Cathay</i>, serial E <i>The Sea Of Death</i> and so on. Subsequent references works on <b>Doctor Who</b> - Jean-Marc Lofficier's 1981 <a href="https://tardis.fandom.com/wiki/The_Doctor_Who_Programme_Guide"><i>The <b>Doctor Who</b> Programme Guide</i></a>, Ian Levine's contribution to the <i>Radio Times</i> <a href="https://tardis.fandom.com/wiki/Doctor_Who_20th_Anniversary_Special"><i><b>Doctor Who</b> Twentieth Anniversary Special</i></a> (1983) and Peter Haining's <a href="https://tardis.fandom.com/wiki/A_Celebration"><i><b>Doctor Who</b>: A Celebration</i></a> (also 1983) all used a different set of titles. Serial A was still <i>An Unearthly Child</i>, but serial B was <i>The Daleks</i>, serial C remained <i>The Edge Of Destruction</i>, serial D became <i>Marco Polo</i>, followed by <i>The Keys Of Marinus</i>, <i>The Aztecs</i>, <i>The Sensorites</i> and so on until 1966's <i>The Gunfighters</i> (serial Z) the last <b>Doctor Who</b> serial to feature individual episode titles. The BBC (and, to a lesser extent, Target Books publishers of the popular <b>Doctor Who</b> novelisations) seemed happy enough with these titles as reflected by various 'official' and/or licensed releases of these stories either as novels or, later, videos. In 1981, when the BBC repeated the first four episodes of <b>Doctor Who</b> as part of their <i>The Five Faces Of ...</i> strand, they did so under the title <i>An Unearthly Child</i>. When Paul Cornell, Martin Day and this blogger wrote <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doctor-Discontinuity-Guide-Gateway-Essentials-ebook/dp/B00FRKF61G/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2XJKL9JGKNAAY&keywords=discontinuity+guide&qid=1697557800&s=books&sprefix=discontinuity+guide%2Cstripbooks%2C131&sr=1-1"><i><b>Doctor Who</b>: The Discontinuity Guide</i></a> (Virgin Books, 1995), we used the titles that the BBC did and said so, with hindsight rather sneeringly I'm afraid, in the introduction! We were young (well, this blogger was thirty two so not <i>that</i> young). Although, ironically, we considered ourselves as punk rockers kicking over the statues of established fandom when, in reality, it could be argued that by going down 'the BBC says so, so it's good enough for us' road we did, we were actually guilty of being establishment <i>stooges</i>. A question for another time, perhaps.<br />
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However, there was a fly in everyone's ointment. In the early 1990s, another trio of excellent fan writers - the previously mentioned David Howe, Mark Stammers and Stephen James Walker - had begun their series of in-depth, scholarly books on the history of <b>Doctor Who</b>, starting with <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doctor-Who-David-J-Howe/dp/0863697070"><i>The Sixties</i></a> (Virgin Publishing, 1993). Whilst writing it, they gained access to many internal BBC files and documents that us mere mortals had never been within a thousand miles of and found, in one of those 'everything you know is wrong' moments, that the production team had used a series of overall titles for those early serials which had never been heard of outside of the BBC. Serial A, it appears, was made under the overall title <i>100,000 BC</i> - and was sold abroad to other territories like Australia under that title by BBC Enterprises. Serial B as <i>The Mutants</i>, serial C as <i>Inside The Spaceship</i>; that's where (with one exception, which we'll come to later) the differences ended. It seems that from <i>Marco Polo</i> onwards, everyone was singing from the same hymn sheet (or, the same script, anyway). Now, this blogger must point out at this stage that David, Mark and Stephen are all good fiends of his (David and Stephen, via their Telos imprint, have published several of this blogger's own works) and Keith Telly Topping greatly respects them and the sterling work they did in discovering all of this fascinating never-before-seen material. However, the question of what are the 'correct' title for those early <b>Doctor Who</b> serials remains a vexed one in fandom. It tends to raise somewhat 'heated debate' (for which read 'near-punch ups') among some fans. Ultimately, however, it doesn't really matter very much. Not in the great scheme of things. When we were writing <i>The Discontinuity Guide</i>, Cornell, Day and this blogger wondered (for about five seconds) how to handle this. Was serial A <i>An Unearthly Child</i> (the name the BBC used on the video release, the name Target Books used on the novelisation and the name we three and just about everyone we knew had <i>always</i> known it as)? Or, was it <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i> (a name that, at that stage, we believed had only ever been a draft title used by the author on his scripts and never beyond that)? Or, was it <i>100,000 BC</i> (which, it seems, <i>was</i> used in plenty of 1963 BBC documentation but, again, nowhere else until David, Mark and Stephen found it lurking in some dusty filing cabinet at Television Centre)? It was no contest, really. And, whether serial B was <i>The Daleks</i>, <i>The Mutants</i>, <i>The Dead Planet</i> or <i>Four Go Mad On Skaro With Radiation & Shit</i> was, again, not really an issue worth getting too hassled about unless one needed to refer to it in a book, somewhere (in which case, for all of the reasons above, it was <i>The Daleks</i> for this blogger). For what it's worth, the only one of these 'production' titles that this blogger has any real issue with is some people's insistence on referring to the 1965 episode <i>Mission To The Unknown</i> - a one-episode stand-alone story (serial code T/A), <i>with</i> an on-screen title(!) - as <i>Dalek Cutaway</i> (which, again, appears to have been what it was called by the production team during its making). That is, clearly, a <i>description</i> of what the episode is rather than a 'title', <i>per se</i>. This blogger is absolutely sure there is 1965 BBC documentation which uses it (and he is equally sure Stephen, Mark and David have seen it!) but it remains a thoroughly rotten 'title' and has no place in the world, let alone in <b>Doctor Who</b> reference books as anything other than a curio of a footnote. That's Keith Telly Topping's story and he's sticking to it, dear blog reader. <br />
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Returning again, after some really long-winded diversions there, to this blogger's fiend JR and his intention of mocking the jolly unpleasant Mister Coburn's use of <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i>. First, however, JR did what all good journalists should do before being sneering in public about someone (even if they do <i>really</i> deserve it) and did a bit of research using the excellent <a href="https://www.britishnewspaperarchive.co.uk/"><i>British Newspaper Archive</i></a> website (of which, this blogger is also a subscriber). And he was shocked - <i>and</i> stunned - at what he found. As, indeed, was this blogger. For there, on the 23 November 1963's television page of this blogger's own, beloved <i>Newcastle Evening Chronicle</i>, was a reference to the BBC's new 5:15pm drama, <b>Doctor Who</b>. And, to its first serial, called, they said, <i>Dr Who & The Tribe Of Gum</i>. There were a couple of other points of interest like, for instance, the suggestion that the series was aimed at a target audience of eleven-to-fourteen years olds and that the plot synopsis states, very clearly that The Doctor and his granddaughter are not only from a different time but, also, a different planet. The latter goes back to a question that The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) posed some years ago about when it was that the series made absolutely clear that The Doctor was not human (or, at least, not of this Earth), because that's not stated in the opening episode (he talks about 'my civilisation' as opposed to 'my race' or 'my people'). So, for several reason then, not least the whole <i>Tribe Of Gum</i> thing, this was a truly <i>fascinating</i> find. Because, the newspaper had, obviously, got that title from <i>somewhere</i>, they hadn't just made it up. <br />
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Then, as if that wasn't enough, another of this blogger's excellent <i>Facebook</i> fiends, Paul Rhodes, discovered <i>another</i> 23 November 1963 reference to <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i>, this one again from a local newspaper - and, like the <i>Evening Chronicle</i>, a jolly important one, with a big circulation - the <i>Liverpool Echo</i>. Which would've been read, normally, by John, Paul, George and Ringo (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them). But, as it happens, on that very day there were in Newcastle, playing their jungle Merseybeat rhythms at the City Hall. So, they might've read the <i>Chronicle</i> instead. Either way, <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i> got to them. Fab, gear. <br />
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So, we can see at least two newspapers in the UK had received information from somewhere - and, logically, it can only have been the BBC - which stated that this serial was known, at least internally, as <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i>. This is hugely different from most contemporary press coverage which only seems to use the episode title, <i>An Unearthly Child</i>. Take, for instance, the <i>Radio Times</i> piece on the BBC's new popular family SF drama.<br />
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Or the <i>Daily Mirra</i>'s coverage which, again, just sticks with the episode title. <br />
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Or, for that matter, the <i>Newcastle Journal</i>, the sister-paper of the <i>Chronicle</i>. So, it appears as if even in the same newsroom (in Thomson House on The Bigg Market for those interested in such trivia) different TV editors were going off different sets of information. <br />
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Going back to the target audience idea again, the following week 30 November 1963, an excellent preview of <b>Doctor Who</b>'s second episode from <i>Stage & Television</i> mentions that the show is 'said to have been written for ten-to-fourteen year olds.' Said, by <i>whom</i>, the piece doesn't elaborate but, as with the <i>Chronicle</i>'s 'eleven-to-fourteen' statement the fact that two, not identical but certainly very similar, statements crops up in two places, suggests there was at least one BBC statement which suggested that particular target audience. <br />
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The same 30 November episode (<i>The Cave Of Skulls</i>), incidentally, brought out the very first example of '<b>Doctor Who</b>? It's not as good as it used to be, is it?', an argument that would, in years to come, become something of a fandom staple. <i>This</i> glorious piece of arrant nonsense from Mary Crozier in the 2 December 1963 issue of the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>, deserves another moment of attention from pretty much <i>everyone</i>. <br />
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The issue of the target audience is interesting only because it exposes another apparent contradiction in the mixed-messages which seem to have been coming out of the BBC. There's nothing wrong with the suggestion that <b>Doctor Who</b> was aimed at ten and/or eleven-to-fourteen year olds; one imagine that age group did, indeed, take up a significant proportion of the audience that the series quickly built over the next few weeks. But, as noted above, the audience the BBC were seeking was always somewhat wider than that. The placement of <b>Doctor Who</b> between a programme primarily watched by grown men and a programme very popular with mid-to-late teens suggested a far greater age-range expectation and this is confirmed by <i>much</i> contemporary reporting. There is, for example, what seems to be the very first reference to <b>Doctor Who</b> published in a newspaper, from <i>The Times</i> on 13 September 1963, a full two-and-a-half months before the first episode of <b>Doctor Who</b> was broadcast. This was a report of a speech made by Stuart Hood, the then controller of BBC Television, at a conference in Blackpool in which he outlined a series of changes to BBC schedules coming in the months ahead. The majority of the coverage of this speech concentrated on the forthcoming return of <b>That Was The Week That Was</b> (the topical comedy satire, fronted by David Frost and considered 'controversial' by many newspapers because it gleefully mocked politicians that, by and large, the newspapers themselves didn't <i>dare</i> to). There were also references to the return of popular drama series like <b>Maigret</b> and <b>Z Cars</b>. Concerning new programmes, Hood spoke of <b>Doctor Who</b> as 'a new <i>family</i> series ... which borders on science fiction [which] will be broadcast on Saturdays.' This blogger's italics. And, you know what, dear blog reader? That one sentence remains, sixty years and one month later, <i>still</i> the best description for what the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama is all about. <br />
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In the interests of completeness, the <i>Staffordshire Evening Sentinel</i> also reported Hood's speech and mentioned <b>Doctor Who</b> (again, thanks to Paul Rhodes for discovering this). And, in the interest of completeness (and, for anyone who is compiling all of these clippings), <i>here</i> it is. This blogger has to say good on the <i>Sentinel</i> for reporting this, but in a race to which sounds the better 'the first reference to <b>Doctor Who</b> in the published media was in <i>The Times</i> on 13 September 1963 (also reported the same day in the <i>Staffordshire Sentinel</i>)' and 'the first reference to <b>Doctor Who</b> in the published media was in the <i>Staffordshire Sentinel</i> on 13 September 1963 (also reported the same day in <i>The Times</i>)' the old lady of Fleet Street wins every time. As noted, Stuart Hood's speech <i>was</i> widely reported elsewhere - in both the national and the local media - but these seem to be the only two direct references to <b>Doctor Who</b> that have turned up thus far. This blogger is hoping that a reference may yet turn up in <i>What's On In Ashby-de-la-Zough</i> just so Keith Telly Topping can get the credit for being the one to find it. The search continues. <br />
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A few weeks later - in fact, in the very week of this blogger's birth - but still a month away from the broadcast of <i>An Unearthly Child</i>, another excellent preview piece by the <i>Kinematograph Weekly</i>'s Tony Gruner expanded on the information that the BBC had released to that point; it doesn't seem to mention any specific intended target age-group and, indeed, makes a point of noting that <b>Doctor Who</b> is being made by the BBC's Drama Department (series & serials) rather than the Children's Department. <br />
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The <i>Birmingham Mail</i>'s 23 November 1963 piece included what appears to be another, seemingly, unique quote from the BBC which doesn't appear in any other preview that this blogger has come across - noting 'it is neither pure space travel nor science fiction ...' Edited to add: Stephen James Walker mentions that a press conference for forthcoming Drama Department productions, including <b>Doctor Who</b>, was held at the Langham in London on Thursday 21 November 1963. Maybe some of the unusual and/or unique quotes and information that found their way into various press reports over the following days came from journalists scribbling notes at that particular event? Donald Wilson chaired the conference, but David Whitaker was almost certainly present as well. It's a fascinating possibility which may explain some of these apparent one-off quotes. <br />
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To sum up the point of all this malarkey, dear blog reader. It's the processes in use that this blogger is interested in rather than the specific information being uncovered. Albeit, <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i> cropping up in two regional newspapers with no connection to each other is, indeed, a <i>fascinating</i> curio. This blogger worked for the BBC so he knows, roughly, how most of the processes work with regard to the dissemination of information; albeit, Keith Telly Topping freelanced for the Beeb from the early 2000s for a decade or more, so it's forty to fifty years after <i>these</i> events. Nevertheless, the process of how someone working for, say, a local UK newspaper in 2023 (not that there <i>are</i> many still existent UK local newspapers in 2023 - but that's a subject for a different blog entirely) who wants to write about the forthcoming <b>Doctor Who</b> sixtieth anniversary trilogy is easy. They can go on the Interweb and there's <i>hundreds</i> of pages (some more 'official' than others) that give them everything they want. In 1963, it was different. The production office would have had almost no involvement in publicising the series; they were too busy <i>making</i> it. The one exception would have been the <i>Radio Times</i> which, in those days, was an in-house BBC publication (<i>and</i> was run by adults). So it would have been quite common for the <i>Radio Times</i> editor or one of the feature writers (the marvellously named Gay Search, for instance), to get on the blower to, say, Verity Lambert or Mervyn Pinfield (or other members of the cast or crew) for some - albeit limited - direct input. Virtually every episode of <b>Doctor Who</b>'s early years carried at least a quarter-page piece on the the making of and subjects of interest in the forthcoming episode in <i>RT</i>. But, with the published press, it was different. TV editors or journalist at all of the UK papers (both national and local) would have been dependent on whatever information they were given by the BBC. And, in this case, it would have been the press office, a specific department within the Beeb that, then just as now, takes all of the info they can access from the production office of a given show and makes a package of it. In the way of a press releases or a press pack. That still happens to this day although most of it is done online now. But, in 1963, if someone wrote their local paper's TV preview column and wanted to talk about a show that the BBC were broadcasting, they didn't just ring up some random person in Broadcasting House and say 'what's this <b>Doctor Who</b> thing all about, then?' Rather, they depended entirely on what they were given by the press office. Who, in turn, depended on what <i>they</i> were given by the production office. So, for instance, that's the reason why if you go through all of the 23 November 1963 papers (again, local <i>and</i> national) and they're writing a brief 'new series' piece on <b>Doctor Who</b> many of them read so similarly, using the same couple of Bill Hartnell quotes and the same description of what the series is about. That's because they are, quite literally, singing from the same hymn sheet (or, in this case, the same press release). That's why - and this is where JR's interest in <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i> very much piqued this blogger's own - when something <i>different</i> crops up, you have to wonder where they've got this information from and why, if it was from the usual sources, no one <i>else</i> had used the same thing? This is the overriding reason why <i>The Tribe Of Gum</i> turning up as a serial title in <i>two</i> local newspapers in different areas on the day of broadcast when everyone else was just using the episode title, is so interesting to me. It's also why a couple of publications suggesting that a specific age group was the target audience when, as far as this blogger can tell, the BBC themselves had always said, from day one (in fact, from two months <i>before</i> day one), that the target audience was 'all the family', is also worthy of note. And, it's why, when this blogger finds a seemingly direct quotation (at least, something in quotation marks) in one paper that doesn't seem to have appeared anywhere else, he is interested in <i>that</i> too. Because, knowing how the process should have worked in 1963, those sort of things should <i>not</i> have happened. But, they did. Keith Telly Topping will continue to trawl through the <i>British Newspaper Archive</i> website (he might as well get full value of the ten months that remain from his yearly subscription and not just use it for looking up the results and goal scorers in Newcastle United Reserve games in the Northern Alliance in 1922 - true story) and check out as many November and December 1963 papers as he can find; and, if he comes across anything different, strange or unique, posting them. Here, for instance, is a fragment of an article in the <i>Liverpool Daily Post</i> on how the author of the piece prefers serials over other forms of drama; <b>Doctor Who</b> is not only previewed but it's also one of the Picks Of The Week (along with <b>The Avengers</b>). This is particularly interesting because the TARDIS is mentioned (in most other early articles on <b>Doctor Who</b> it is just referred to 'the time machine'). And also because, although it doesn't give a specific age-range for the target audience it suggests, though this appears to be the author's analysis rather than anything he's been told, that the target audience is 'children and teenagers.' Which again, isn't a unique assessment (or even, necessarily a <i>wrong</i> one) but it <i>is</i> contrary to what the BBC were stating in every 'official' statement we've seen. <br />
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The author of that piece also noted, perceptively that a plot-devise like the TARDIS 'would seem to give the scriptwriters the widest choice of stories ever enjoyed by <i>anybody</i>.' Good spot, mate. Maybe, <i>that</i>'s why in six weeks time <b>Doctor Who</b> will be enjoying a sixtieth anniversary. <br />
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So, in short, for Keith Telly Topping this has been a completely non-agenda-soaked intellectual exercise in being a <b>Doctor Who</b> geek, a BBC internal-politics geek, a social history geek and a 'reading old newspapers for fun' geek. And, this blogger's thanks go to (in no particular order) Andrew J Duncan, Daniel Blythe (who also provided the superb <i>An Ungrateful Child</i> image), Kathryn Sullivan, JR Southall, Dave Simmons, Tony Aloysius Amis, Tim Tucker, Michael Paul Rudzki, Nick Burgoyne, Teri N Sears, Stephen James Walker, Lance Parkin, David J Howe, Jan Fennick, Ben Adams, Helen Stirling, Alan Hayes, Francis Moloney, Mark Morris, Simon J Ballard, David A McIntee, Andy Bailey, Nigel Parry, Steve Herbert, Tim Drury, Joe Candora, Susan Springer Coleman, Steve Cooper, Nick Cooper, Richard Harris, John Hamilton, Chris Kocher, Paul Rhodes, Phil Newman, Catherine Cranston, Joel Brackenbury and Matthew Kilburn for their invaluable contributions to the <i>Facebook</i> thread which prompted this emergency bloggerisationisms update. <br />
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Right then, Mister That There So-Called Coburn, what're y'gonna do about <i>them eggs</i>, eh? Break into The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House and smash the DVD? (... Please <i>don't</i> break into The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House and smash the DVD if you'd be ever so kind, otherwise this blogger will have the fuggin' law onto ya.) <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader, more than one of this blogger's <i>Facebook</i> acquaintances drew a parallel between the current Mexican stand-off over the rights to <i>An Unearthly Child</i>/<i>The Tribe of Gum</i>/<i>100,000 BC</i>/<i>The One With The Cavemen</i> and the story of the chap who tried a decade ago, unsuccessfully as it turned out, to sue the BBC because he had 'created' Davros. (A Mexican stand-off should, really, happen over the rights to <i>The Aztecs</i> when you think about it.) The name of the chap in question was (and, presumably, still is) Steven Clark from Ashford in Kent and he claimed to have 'created' a half-man, half-Dalek in 1972 as part of a 'design a <i>Doctor Who</i> monster' competition run by <i>TV Action</i> comic, the judges of which were Mister Pertwee, Terrance Dicks and Barry Letts. Two of whom were, by the stage Clark made his claims public, dead and couldn't defend themselves against allegations of plagiarism. He got a - rather disgracefully agenda-soaked, anti-BBC - <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> story in 2011 out of his announced plans to sue the BBC claiming that he, and not Terry Nation, had created Davros, as covered by this blog <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2011/03/dont-feel-guilty-dont-go-crazy-dont-get.html">here</a>. His 'proof', he claimed, was a drawing which he had made in a school exercise book. Which, of course, was undated (although, to this blogger's untrained eye, it looked far more like the third on-screen Davros from 1984's <i>Resurrection of The Daleks</i> rather than either of the earlier ones). There was a follow-up story in 2012 (covered by this blog, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2012/03/love-me-before-i-grow-too-old.html">here</a>) where the chap was still trying to gather evidence and was appealing for people he'd gone to school with to come forward and back up his claims. Then it all went <i>very</i> quiet. Until, that is, Terrance Dicks told <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2014/02/week-nine-i-is-for-injury-and-also.html">this blogger</a> when we were having dinner in LA in 2013 that, at a preliminary hearing to decide whether there was a case to answer, the judge threw it out of court, saying that too much time had elapsed. If anyone is interested, this blogger will provide <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1367972/BBC-sued-Who-drew-evil-Dalek-mastermind-Davros.html">the link to the first <i>Daily Scum Mail article</i></a> (<i>From The North</i> sincerely apologises if anyone feels violated after reading that). We do, however, particularly wish to draw your attention to the below-the-line comments of one Tarquin "Porky" Hooten-Malloy, Eton, which are worth their weight in comedy gold.<br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-65107257082826138822023-10-12T19:06:00.002+01:002023-10-12T19:06:54.141+01:00My Long Sickness Of Health & Living Now Begins To Mend & Nothing Brings Me All Things<div style="text-align: justify;">
The TARDIS doors are being thrown wide open as BBC <i>iPlayer</i> welcomes the biggest collection of <b>Doctor Who</b> <i>ever</i> to the platform with hundreds of episodes becoming available for the very first time already. Before the sixtieth anniversary specials hit our screens next month, viewers will have the opportunity to travel back in time with any of The Doctors through the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama's sixty year history. Or you could just play your exteremely expensive blu-ray sets. Either or. BBC <i>iPlayer</i>'s back catalogue and the online archive will launch on 1 November. As the perfect companion to the back catalogue, the BBC will simultaneously launch an extensive online archive from the show's history at bbc.co.uk/doctorwho, with everything from interviews with cast to written documents, long unheard audio and behind-the-scenes photos. Together, they will hope to tell the story of the series through sixty years worth of archive gems. The archive invites fans to delve deeper into the show with curated journeys such as the genesis of <b>Doctor Who</b>, where audio from Sydney Newman alongside documents with his original handwritten notes guide you through the origins of the popular long-running family SF drama series. Episodes from <b>Doctor Who</b>'s extensive back catalogue will join the post-2005 revival of the show, available for fans to watch on <i>iPlayer</i> and enabling them to revisit The Doctor's formative adventures and some of the series greatest moments. This includes William Hartnell's first encounter with The Daleks, the first episodes made for colour TV with Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker's seven year run. Also included is the 1996 TV movie with Paul McGann, featuring him taking over from Sylvester McCoy (which, presumably, means that the BBC have now sorted out the long-standing rights issues). Every episode on <i>iPlayer</i> will be available with multiple accessibility options, including subtitles, audio description and sign language. Russell Davies said: 'I'd like to thank the BBC for all the hard work, to get this massive back catalogue under one roof, at long last. I'm so excited for new viewers - imagine being eight years old, spending winter afternoons exploring the 1960s, 70s, 80s and beyond. And we're determined this won't be a dusty museum - we have exciting plans to bring the back catalogue to life, with much more to be revealed!' Dan McGolpin, Director of iPlayer and channels, said some stuff as well. But, it wasn't very interesting. The expanded archive will also feature additional gems from over one hundred thousand documents, including memos, correspondence, designs and audience research, alongside orchestral scores of sheet music. <i>Very</i> useful if you happen to have a grand piano in your gaff's front room. Also being added is a selection of audio clips about <b>Doctor Who</b>, including radio programmes, documentaries, interviews and music. So long as the latter includes <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0q9s8-ZneM">this</a>, Keith Telly Topping will be happy. An' ting. <br />
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Of course, when they collectively heard about all of this, fandom's collective response was nothing if not collectively predictable.<br />
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Well, these <i>are</i> exciting times to be a fan (of any age). At least, now, you don't necessarily get laughed at in the streets and, possibly, punched in the mush if you happen to mention in inpolite company that you quite like <b>Doctor Who</b>. <i>This</i>, dear blog reader, is <i>progress</i>. <br />
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In other <b>Doctor Who</b> news this week, a very good video from The Confused Adipose (probably <i>not</i> his real name, I'm guessing) popped up which you can check out <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlpgkCykc4k&t=314s">here</a> concerning the recent filming in Cardiff. Which, of course, this blogger mentioned in <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/every-toy-is-prologue-to-some-great.html">a recent bloggerisationism update</a>. Certain evidence from the video suggests that this blogger was correct to pour a bit of scorn on the suggestion by the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults) that these scene were from the 2024 Christmas episodes rather than being pick-up shots from the forthcoming 2023 one. Circus posters briefly glimpsed at the location clearly have 2023 blazoned all over them. As you can see. This blogger knows that <b>Doctor Who</b> is a show about time travel, dear blog reader, but he's still pretty sure that filming taking place in September 2023 is far more likely to be for an episode to be broadcast in December 2023 rather than December <i>2024</i>. We know the production sometimes gets a bit ahead of itself, but not <i>that</i> much. Another video, from TARDIS Central, which you can find <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM47k4y_FpI">here</a> is also worth a gander and covers pretty much the same topics. <br />
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In Russell Davies' monthly column in <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Magazine</i>, perhaps the biggest <a href="https://www.doctorwhotv.co.uk/rtd-says-none-of-the-60th-anniversary-specials-will-air-on-november-23-98809.htm">revelation</a> to come from his latest series of hints and clues is that none of the three sixtieth anniversary specials will actually be broadcast on the anniversary date, 23 November. Big Rusty called attention to three calendar dates, stating: 'DATES to LOOK OUT FOR. November 1, November 17, November 23. And <i>none</i> of those is the date of the Specials' transmission!' Other highlights from the column include: Rusty's promises a flurry of 'Who-ness' content for 'years and years' (there's a series in there, somewhere, Russell), adding: 'If content is king, then we've got a right royal regal procession coming your way, so stand back!' There's a mention of the new TARDIS interior and allusions to a particularly chilling scene with a character named Sue. Two celebrity historical figures will be making an appearance in the specials. Davies also 'confirms' (well, sort of) a crossover between <b>Doctor Who</b> and his ITV drama <b>Nolly</b>. Pre-production, he added, is 'in full swing on series fifteen. Like the forthcoming series fourteen, it will have eight regular episodes and a Christmas special. Five of the next nine scripts for the upcoming series are 'already in the bag.' <br />
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When this blogger posted the most recent <i>From The North</i> <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/10/never-in-million-years.html">bloggerisationism update</a> this picture he used to illustrate one of the stories featured was this one. This blogger is grateful, therefore to his fiend Tony who alerted this blogger to something Leith Telly Topping had missed. That, in fact, this is a new 'special' episode. <i>The Four Showrunners</i> with Jo Whiley as a future Showrunner.<br />
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This blogger must tell you now, dear blog reader, that This! Will! Not! Stand! They <i>cannot</i> turn The Showrunner into a ladygirl. It's The Law. This blogger intends to smash his TV set with a hammer and burn his TV licence if such disgraceful shenanigans come to pass. Thanks also, to this blogger's fiend Graham for suggesting that Jo is The War Showrunner - 'she fits in between Russell and Steven (just not in this photo).' <br />
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'Jo Whiley is an '<i>uge</i> <b>Doctor Who</b> fan?' this blogger's most excellent fiend Ian queried. 'I never saw her at The Fitzroy downing a pint of Old Museum while buying the latest issue of <i>DWB</i> and arguing that Pertwee was over-rated? And she was never seen in The Stockpot the next day to my knowledge.' All true, dear blog reader. And, you simply <i>cannot</i> claim to be a <b>Doctor Who</b> fan unless you've done all of the above (<i>and</i> sat through fourteen episodes of <i>The Trial Of A Timelord</i> without gnawing your own foot off during <i>Terror Of The Vervoids</i>). <br />
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Another lengthy <i>Facebook</i> discussion this blogger was involved in this week started when this blogger's lovely fiend, Jan, expressed her astonishment that there are still, apparently, some <b>Doctor Who</b> 'fans' who, even at this later stage, have no idea that David Tennant and Cat Tate are shortly to be returning to the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama, much less, that Ncuti Gatwa will be following them close behind. This, then, developed into a discussion on the whole concept of (and, often, pointlessness of) avoiding 'spoilers'. Dear blog readers will be aware from past bloggerisationism rants that this blogger has little time for the whole shrill, bellowed 'No Spoilers!' malarkey. Particularly when it involves something that has actually been released by the BBC themselves (you know, the people who actually <i>make</i> the sodding show) like casting announcements, publicity photos or, <i>especially</i>, trailers. The daft thing is, back in the 1980s, when the Interweb wasn't even a gleam in the milkman's eye, fandom would break its collective neck to find out <i>any</i> tiny scrap of information about a forthcoming story. For example, this blogger recalls when <i>Trial Of A Timelord</i> was a couple of months away from broadcast, someone in fandom that he knew sent Keith Telly Topping about five or six photocopied pages of script from one of the <i>Mindwarp</i> episodes (including the sequence where Brian Blessed was smashing up the laboratory). It was, this blogger has to say, a little like having stolen gold bullion in ones possession. This blogger had to, quite literally, sign a disclaimer that said he would tell no one (that's <i>no one</i>!) what he had received until after the episode was shown ('and, even then, only tell people you trust'). Sadly, these days, there are people who even get offended if someone tells them the titles of forthcoming episodes in case they reveal something the person didn't know. Like, <i>Return Of The Toymaker</i>. Oh, hang on, this blogger <i>has</i>, surely, said too much this time. <br />
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Plug time now, dear blog reader. Order <a href="https://www.atbpublishing.com/product/outside-in-regenerates-163-new-new-perspectives-on-163-classic-doctor-who-stories-by-163-writers/">this</a>. Now. That is an order (well, actually that's <i>two</i> orders but, you get the cut of Keith Telly Topping's jib, this blogger trusts). If it's a dealbreaker, amongst the one hundred and sixty three authors writing an essay about one particular <b>Doctor Who</b> story (1963 to 1996), is yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self. And, also, <i>lots</i> of his fiends. It will be published on 23 November (obviously) and it'll be great so get yourselves, forthwith, over to website of those lovely people at ATP publishing and pre-order your copy of <i>Outside In Regenerates</i> immediately. If not sooner. <br />
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An observation: If <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REBFfCxDggc">this</a> had been around twenty years ago then this blogger would not have had to spend seven years of his life writing <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complete-Slayer-Unofficial-Unauthorised-Seasons/dp/1845831268/ref=sr_1_2?crid=ZM8EQ16EXLXZ&keywords=keith+topping+slayer&qid=1697119278&s=books&sprefix=keith+topping+slayer%2Cstripbooks%2C104&sr=1-2">various versions of <i>Slayer</i></a> and <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hollywood-Vampire-revised-unofficial-unauthorised/dp/0753508079"><i>Hollywood Vampire</i></a> and making lots and <i>lots</i> of money, Keith Telly Topping could've merely stayed in the day job, pointed people in the direction of this video and said 'it's two-and-a-half minutes and it'll explain <i>everything</i>.' Story of this blogger's life, that. <br />
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This blogger is currently, in addition to all of the other endless shit that he has on his collective plate, in the process of starting off writing the annual <i>From The North</i> 'Best Of' and 'Worst Of' Awards bloggerisationism for 2023 (it'll be this blog's <i>sixteenth</i> if anyone's counting). It won't be out until the start of December, obviously (Keith Telly Topping has got, <i>at least</i>, to wait until <b>Doctor Who</b> has been broadcast in late November, be fair!) But, already in five days since he started, this blogger has managed to rough out a first draft review for about thirty of the eighty odd shows which will be featured in one or other of the lists (actually, this year there'll be three cos there's a 'Curiosity Of The Year' too). This blogger must note, however, that it is bloody annoying when you note down the name of a show in, say, February that you think might be worthy of a place on either list (this blogger has a document file that he creates at the start of the year and keep updating weekly) but, come October, you can barely remember <i>anything</i> about it. Still, writing the awards list is always a good excuse for casually insulting the opinions of <i>other</i> telly reviewers (particularly thopse from the broadsheets). Keep your eyes open for that one coming later in the year, dear blog readers. <br />
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There is nothing on Earth, dear blog readers, quite as a funny as a good <i>From The North</i> favourite Mark Kermode rant about a film that he dislikes; what makes <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EYocIaYFYE">this one</a> <i>art</i> is that it's a remake of and/or sequel to the film that Mark himself regards as the greatest ever made and that he, quite literally, wrote the book on. Stand by for action, dear blog reader, <i>anything</i> could happen in the next eight minutes!<br />
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Which, as if by magic, bring us nicely to Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventy Six: <i>The Evil of Frankenstein</i>. Tony Arpino: 'I've <i>got it</i>!' Peter Cushing: 'So I observe. And, so will half the county, if you don't hurry up and bring it inside!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventy Seven: <i>Cul-de-Sac</i>. Donald Pleasance: 'Take back your bloody filthy insinuations and get the Hell out of my fortress!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventy Eight: <i>The Curse Of The Mummy's Tomb</i>. Leanne Roland: 'It is a pity that Sir Giles couldn't see your point of view.' Fred Clark: 'He's living in the past! This is 1900, you have to think <i>modern</i>!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventy Nine: <i>Catacombs</i>. Neil McCallum: 'Where does she get all that energy from?' Gary Merrill: 'You're not so badly off.' Neil McCallum: 'At least I'm not married to her! She frightens me, you know? The way she can read minds. Uncanny.'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighty: <i>The Hand</i>. Ronald Leigh-Hunt: 'They've just pulled Talfer out of the river. He's been murdered!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighty One: <i>Devils of Darkness</i>. Tracy Reed: 'Hey, the man's smiling. See the effect I have? Or is it Johnny Walker?' William Sylvester: 'No, no, no. You were right the first time, wrong the second. Canadian Club.'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighty Two: <i>Invasion</i>. Barrie Ingham: 'If the Russians invade, you'll be sitting here watching that radar and telling me it's a car ferry twenty minutes early!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighty Three: <i>Twisted Nerve</i>. Billie Whitelaw: 'If I had kicked your father where he deserved, he'd have never walked again!'<br />
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'I've got <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JsaNjEMdA4"><i>that</i> theme</a> in my head now,' this blogger's <i>Facebook</i> fiend Mark, complained. To which this blogger could merely reply: 'Don't blame me, blame Tarantino for <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDX7ATO_Euk">bringing it to a wider audience</a>.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighty Four: <i>Fanatic</i>. Tallulah Bankhead: 'Aren't you hungry, my child?' Stefanie Powers: 'Mrs Trefoile, do you have any salt?' Tallulah Bankhead: 'We use not condiments of any kind in this house, Patricia! God's food should be eaten unadorned!' <br />
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Just in case you were wondering, dear blog reader, that was, indeed, where <b>Blackadder II</b> got the idea for the 'it's a turnip shaped like a thingy' episode. Probably.<br />
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Serious bit of this bloggerisationisms update now, dear blog reader. This blogger was watching the best episode of <b>Lewis</b> - <i>Counter Culture Blues</i> on ITV3 last week (that's the one with Joanna Lumley and Simon Callow). And, a thought suddenly struck this blogger right, hard, between the eyes. Keith Telly Topping <i>hates</i> the fact that being a fan of <b>Lewis</b> (which this blogger is) now has to include a footnote to remind everyone that the co-star (who was <i>really</i> good in it) made this <i>before</i> - albeit only shortly before - he turned into a twenty-four carat certified heedbanging <i>loon</i>. And you <i>have</i> to keep saying to yourself 'I'm <i>not</i> going to turn this off, despite <i>him</i> being in it, because Wor Geet Canny Kevin Whately and Rebecca Front and Clare Holman all seem to be fully-functioning human beings and it's <i>their</i> show as much as (if not more than, in Wor Geet Canny Kev's case) <i>his</i>. <br />
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This blogger also hates the fact that two of the great sitcoms of the last forty years, <b>Father Ted</b> and <b>Black Books</b> (and another halfway decent one in <b>The IT Crowd</b>), have to be viewed these days with the knowledge that one of the men writing at least some of those brilliant jokes has turned into a <i>really</i> nasty, wicked and seemingly dangerously unhinged individual.<br />
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This blogger hates the fact that the - frequently brilliant, thigh-slappingly hilarious - lyrics of one of the best guitar bands of Keith Telly Topping's lifetime now need to be set in context as a reminder of what a depressingly racially-insensitive individual their author has turned into. When did the world get so complicated? This blogger supposes it was when some people started to develop <i>horrible</i> attitudes.<br />
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Of course, inevitably, when this blogger raised these thoughts with his online fiends, the question then develops into a conversation on the old 'can you separate the art from the artists?' equation. Some of this blogger's fiends reckon that they find it too difficult to do so. Too painful. This blogger has argued and continues to argue that it <i>is</i> possible, you have got to do the hard work, sometimes. And, importantly, you have to <i>want</i> to carry on listening to, watching or reading the work of someone when you find out that they have feet of clay. This blogger, for example, never had any sort of attachment to the <i>Harry Potter</i> novels or movies so, the discovery that JK Rowling appears to be not a very nice person impacts on this blogger <i>not in the slightest</i>. However, in other cases this blogger does not find it difficult enough to stop him at least trying (although he's had a <i>lot</i> of practice over the years in discovering that some of his idols are closet twat-bastards). It is, sadly, becoming something that one has to do more and more these days. So, for example, Roald Dahl was an horrific antisemite (and, reportedly, had other unhealthy aspects to his personality). But, he was still a great writer (by any definition of what a great writer is). Joss Whedon is, it has been widely alleged, an awful bully; that doesn't alter the fact that he made three great TV series and their greatness is not diminished for this blogger by the knowledge that he, himself, isn't a very nice person to be around. Roman Polanski is a convicted paedophile rapist. He also made a bunch of movies the majority of which this blogger regards very highly indeed (Claire Dederer has even written a book, <a href="https://www.clairedederer.com/monsters"><i>Monsters - A Fan's Dilemma</i></a> which asks the question 'can we love the work of Hemingway, Polanski, Miles Davis or Picasso? Should we love it? Does genius deserve special dispensation?') John Lennon was - and this remains uncomfortable to hear for many of the people who continue to idolise him to quasi-deity status - a <i>deeply</i> flawed human being; an alcoholic junkie who indulged in domestic violence against both of his wives. That doesn't make 'Strawberry Fields Forever' any less of a work of genius. Bill Wyman was a man who confessed to having sex with a <i>twelve</i> year old. But <i>Let It Bleed</i>, <i>Sticky Fingers</i> and <i>Exile On Main Street</i> are, still, masterpieces. One of this blogger's favourite records of all time is Rolf Harris' 'Sun Arise', a piece of music and a production (by George Martin) that was, quite literally, <i>decades</i> ahead of its time. Can one listen to that and not think about the fact that Harris - deservedly - spent time banged up for sex offences? There are dozens (possibly hundreds) of other examples to a greater or lesser degree. No one is wholly innocent, most people have their flaws and some of them a very deep ones. It has to be up to the individual as to how one goes about the art versus artists conundrum. But, the bottom line is, if you get to the stage where you find it impossible to separate the art from the artist then you'll likely end up listening to, watching and reading not a whole Hell of a lot. Which would be a shame as there is much of good stuff out there which just happens to have been created by people with a deeply unpleasant side to their personality. <br />
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A <i>From The North</i> thought for this (and, indeed, every other) day, now dear blog reader. <br />
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We, therefore, come to that part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the orbit of all the moons of Saturn, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into the New Year <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">feeling rotten</a>; experienced five day <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more of them</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; continued to suffer from <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured a second <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took <i>ages</i> to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where nothing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">remotely health-related occurred</a>; received further <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; was subject to more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; received yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">blood tests</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a>; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sick note</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some surprising but welcome <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of general <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into 2023</a>. There was that whole '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the painful night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; getting some new <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">spectacles</a>; returning to the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">East End pool</a>. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling genuinely <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">wretched</a>. Experiencing a nasty bout of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">gastroenteritis</a>. Had a visit from an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>. Did the 'accidentally going out in my <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">slippers</a>' malarkey. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">return</a> of the dreaded insomnia and the dreaded return of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/they-dont-know-what-is-what.html">the fatigue</a>. The latest <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/if-its-not-love-then-its-bomb-that-will.html">tri-monthly prickage</a>; plus, yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/death-so-called-is-thing-which-makes.html">sleep disturbances</a>, a further bout of day time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/fudgel-today-shivviness-tomorrow.html">retinology</a> and<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/the-square-on-globe.html">exhaustion</a>. <br />
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Last week, this blogger had a horrible head cold. One of those where ones heed feels like it isfull of cotton wool and breathing through ones nose becomes var nigh impossible due to the sinuses being bunged up full of mucus. Long and bitter experience has taught this blogger there is only but one way to get rid of such a condition and it <i>does not</i> involve Lemsip®™. One goes to bed having had a steaming hot mug of honey and lemon last thing and having smothered ones chest with as much Vicks®™ as you have in the house. Next morning, as if by magic, you will awake, blissfully, able to breath properly and without a pounding sickly headache or a numb feeling behind your eyes. It's <i>great</i>! There is, however, one small problemette. This all has the effect of, as this blogger's late mother used to say, 'bringing the cold down from your head onto your chest' and, thus, after about thirty seconds of delirious early morning joy, suddenly, you will start to cough and wheeze and you won't stop for a disquietingly long time. A really painful, hacking cough it is as well. A week later, the cold will be completely gone but the irritating cough remains and will be here for some time to come. And <i>nothing</i> will shift it. Not even Actifed®™. This blogger <i>hates</i> autumn and winter, dear blog readers. Just saying. <br />
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This blogger was, as it happens, due for his - he thinks it's now <i>sixth</i> in total - Covid shot earlier this week. Usually, Keith Telly Topping gets them at the Pharmacy closest to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House but this one was at a different place a bit more distant (still easy enough to get to; a mere fifteen minutes slow limp from home - in fact it's very close to where this blogger used to go to school as a youngling). Anyway, as luck would have it, this blogger got there early but they had just opened after lunch and there was no one waiting so Keith Telly Topping got seen straight away. The whole thing was very swift and efficient and, bonus, this blogger was also offered (and took) the annual 'flu jab which he usually gets at the Medical Centre. So, that's saved him at least one future trip away from the safety of home. This blogger came out of the pharmacy to find that the chip shop opposite was still open so he nabbed a bag of chips and batter to take home for us dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Thus, dear blog reader, this blogger can now definitely confirm that 'pricks and chips' <i>is</i> a thing. <br />
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Although, given that this blogger received two injections in the same arm (due to him sleeping on one particular side), he can also confirm that his arm is totally and utterly Jacob's Cream Crackered two days after said injections and that he's got a nasty, livid purple bruise on his bicep. If it's not one thing, dear blog reader, it's another. <br />
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And so to the <i>From The North</i> Headline Of The Week award and, this week, <a href="https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/news/teesside-news/dead-rat-found-middlesbrough-shop-27844282"><i>Teeside Live</i></a> has, simply, no competition. <br />
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Although, it would've helped if they had explained exactly <i>how</i> the dead rat in question got a job working in the Middlesbrough shop so that it could sell illegal vapes and alcohol to the children of the area. That's one <i>impressive</i> dead rat. With a CV which includes the line 'Retail Customer Service Assistant (<i>Post Mortem)</i>' it must be in virtually permanent employment, surely? <br />
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'So, what you're saying is without our knowing it our tickle-my-nuts language is becoming profane?' 'In a thigh, yes.' <br />
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Whcih was followed, not unreasonably (or, indeed, unexpectedly), by a lengthy <i>Facebook</i> thread in which various fiends debated (politely) whether Rowen says 'in a thigh' or 'inner thigh'. This blogger could go either way, to be honest, dear blog reader. And that's his whole big thing point, as it were. If this blogger can turn over he likes it better that way to you, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxwhMKoPErw">have a listen</a> and make up your own mind on which it is. And then, of course, you <i>must</i> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhstRrZzaso">cut off their goolies</a>. It's the only solution. <br />
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Anniversary time: On this day in 1982, dear blog reader, Stephen Morrissey and Johnny Marr wrote 'This Charming Man'.<br />
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Overheard by this blogger on the bus earlier this week on the way back to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House from Morrisons (genuinely): 'See, Marx was all right, he had good ideas but, his trouble was, he was a Marxist.' True story. This blogger is presuming the chap wasn't talking about any of Karl's brothers, Harpo, Grouchy, Chico or Zeppo. <br />
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Boris Johnson's ex-wife, Marina Wheeler, has <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-67043606">reportedly</a> been appointed as Labour's new sexual harassment adviser. One imagines that, as with most jobs, a bit of hands-on experience is always useful when going for a new job. <br />
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Apparently, dear blog reader, Northumbria National Parks Authority have had 'hundreds' of <a href="https://www.hexham-courant.co.uk/news/23837113.sycamore-gap-felling-update-northumberland-national-park/">suggestions</a> about what to do at Sycamore Gap to, you know, cheer everyone up after some stupid with a chainsaw did what he (or she) did. This blogger wonders if anyone has suggested sending for <i>this</i> chap. He may be able to help. <br />
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Of course, within seconds of this blogger suggesting that this could be a job for Roger Thee Shrubber, one particularly evil and wicked <i>Facebook</i> fiend (hello, Nick) posted a but two-letter response. Oh, what sad times are these, dear blog reader, when passing ruffians can 'Ni' at will to old TV reviewers with a health condition and a bad back. There is a <i>pestilence</i> upon this land. <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader, this blogger simply <i>has</i> to point out there's a bloke who lives down the bottom of our street who looks <i>uncannily</i> like Rick Buckler in this photograph. Stumpy legs and all. <br />
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Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-44774970930615712402023-10-04T07:56:00.010+01:002023-10-06T17:57:35.706+01:00Never In A Million Years<div style="text-align: justify;">
A 'special' (it says here) edition of <i>Sunday Night Is Music Night</i> presented by giggly Jo Whiley on Radio 2 will <a href="https://radiotoday.co.uk/2023/09/radio-2-to-air-special-programme-doctor-who-60-a-musical-celebration/">celebrate sixty years of <b>Doctor Who</b></a>. Because .... just <i>because</i>, all right? The BBC National Orchestra of Wales and the BBC Singers, conducted by Alastair King, will perform 'musical sounds' (or, 'tunes' as they're also know) from the TV series in <i>Doctor Who @60: A Musical Celebration</i>. The programme will feature world exclusive first live performances of The Doctor's new companion, Ruby's theme <i>The Life Of Sunday</i>, the theme tune of the Fifteenth Doctor called, not entirely surprisingly, <i>Fifteenth</i> and the new version of the <b>Doctor Who</b> theme. There are contributions from Big Russell Davies (OBE), The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) and Chris Chibnall (no OBE as yet) and a look back to the allegedly 'classic' years of <b>Doctor Who</b> from the 1960s, 70s and 80s featuring the vintage synthesisers of Radiophonic Workshop veterans Mark Ayres and Peter Howell. There is also a look ahead to the upcoming trio of sixtieth anniversary specials. Jo Whiley says: 'As listeners to my Radio 2 show know I'm a <i>huge</i> <b>Doctor Who</b> fan, so presenting this concert is a dream come true. How better to mark the incredible sixtieth anniversary of the show than with this wonderful celebration of the music that has featured across the decades.' This blogger is presuming she paused for breath at some stage during that. Helen Thomas, the Head of Radio 2, says: 'Radio 2 just had to mark this momentous anniversary of one of our most-loved BBC TV series. We're thrilled to bring the amazing BBC National Orchestra of Wales and the BBC Singers to the station to play the memorable music of <b>Doctor Who</b> which we know our listeners will love.' Lisa Tregale, the Director of BBC NOW added: 'Everyone at BBC National Orchestra and Chorus of Wales is looking forward to welcoming <b>Doctor Who</b> fans to our home, BBC Hoddinott Hall, in Cardiff for this special sixtieth anniversary concert with BBC Radio 2. The stage is set, The Daleks have descended, The TARDIS has landed and all Whovians are in for a special treat! Tune into Radio 2 to hear classic and brand-new <b>Doctor Who</b> soundtracks performed by BBC NOW as part of this celebration.' Okay, Lisa - just something to drop into your toaster to see if it pops up brown. There is not a single, <i>solitary</i> <b>Doctor Who</b> fan with so much as an ounce of self-respect or dignity (admittedly, not two words that one normally associates with we in fandom) who would use the hateful 'W' word in anything other than an ironic sense. Trust Keith Telly Topping on this one. And, therefore, <i>cut it out</i>. Thanks muchly, it's appreciated. <i>Doctor Who @60: A Musical Celebration</i> will be broadcast on Radio 2 from 8pm to 10pm on Sunday 15 October and available to hear on BBC Sounds. It will also be filmed for BBC <i>iPlayer</i>, to be broadcast at a later date. <br />
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The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/every-toy-is-prologue-to-some-great.html">most recent <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update</a> included details of the latest <b>Doctor Who</b> sixtieth anniversary <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEkC6InjWQ8">trailer</a>. This blogger mentioned in his piece that many organs of the media had also written, at length about the trailer and what it contained, one of those mentioned being the frequently inaccurate and hyperbolic <a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-toymaker-neil-patrick-harris-villain-return-confirmed/"><i>Screenrant</i> website</a>. This blogger is forced to note that the website's headline, if taken literally, suggested The Celestial Toymaker is a mere <i>fifty seven</i> years old. The blogger always imagined that he would be somewhat older, dear blog reader. Like, <i>immortal</i>, perhaps?<br />
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A mere twelve years after behind-the-scenes <b>Doctor Who</b> companion show <b>Doctor Who: Confidential</b> was extremely cancelled due to BBC budget restraints and Auntie not having a pot to piss in, it's coming back. Or, somewhat more accurately, now that Big Rusty is back in charge of the show and has Disney+ money to burn in his pocket, we're <a href="https://variety.com/2023/tv/global/doctor-who-unleashed-bbc-1235738496/">finally getting a new behind-the-scenes documentary series</a> to replaced the old one. <b>Doctor Who: Unleashed</b> is a thirty-minute series which will be broadcast on on BBC Three immediately after each and every new <b>Doctor Who</b> episode from November 2023, as well as being available to stream on BBC <i>iPlayer</i>. Instead of the <b>Confidential</b>-style voiceover from a <b>Doctor Who</b>-adjacent narrator (Simon Pegg, Anthony Head, Russell Tovey <i>et cetera</i>), the new show will have an on-screen host in the form of BBC Gaming Correspondent and former Radio 1 <i>Newsbeat</i> presenter Steffan Powell. Who looks well-excited to be the the presence of national heartthrob David Tennant. <br />
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Horrible Graham Linehan - whom this blogger used to have quite a bit of time for before he, you know, <i>went mad</i> - has <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/graham-linehan-glinner-agent-dropped-david-tennant-b2422894.html">claimed</a> that he was dropped by his agent after criticising national heartthrob David Tennant for supporting transgender rights. Which only leaves one question unanswered; why the Hell did it take Linehan's now former agent <i>this long</i> to realise that his (now former) client is not worth the hassle he causes and kick his sorry ass into the gutter along with all of the other worthless turds? On Sunday, Linehan appeared on an - extremely - fringe panel event at the Conservative Party conference in Manchester, where he declared himself 'the most cancelled person in this room.' 'Cancelled', in the sense of 'still making crass and ignorant comments on a virtual daily basis all of which get widely reported by newspapers and so, therefore, not <i>really</i> cancelled <i>at all</i>.' The <b>Father Ted</b> and <b>Black Books</b> creator (both of which this blogger still manages to love despite the fruitcake ramblings that come out of Linehan's gob in the same way that this blogger can still, just about, listen to a Smiths record without crying over Morrissey taking a similar last train to Loonsville), who was represented by Independent Talent, has faced a 'significant backlash' in recent years over comments he has made in opposition to trans rights, <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/graham-linehan-glinner-agent-dropped-david-tennant-b2422894.html">according to</a> the <i>Independent</i>. For which read 'most people, who <i>don't</i> have a stone where their heart should be would, really, rather not listen to the completely <i>mental</i> crap Linehan frequently comes out with, so tend to steer clear on him and his nonsense.' Which is what the concept of 'cancellation' frequently seems to amount to. Example: Hateful, wretched old <i>scrote</i> Jim Davidson, for instance, often claims to have been 'cancelled' yet he can still find plenty of louse journalists at the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> and the <i>Daily Scum Express</i> and the <i>Sun</i> who are happy to quote his pathetic blatherings to the rapidly dwindling collective that actually <i>give a crap</i>. Linehan was permanently banned from <i>Twitter</i> in 2020 over his increasingly shrill and alarmingly nasty views, but reintroduced late last year following Elon Musk's takeover. <i>That</i>, in and of itself, should really have been a warning to you, Graham. If 'the enemy of my enemy is my fiend' then, it appears you can look forward to an invite to one of now extremely former President Rump's whine parties at Mar-a-Lago. Bring your own bottle (cos he's got legal fees to worry about). Speaking during the discussion, which was titled '<i>Is The UK A Safe Space For Free Speech?</i>' (which, as this blog proves, it <i>is</i>. So long you stay within the boundaries of the law as it currently stands and everyone has the right <i>not</i> to be forced to listen to you if they don't wish to), Linehan claimed that he found it 'very hard to find places to speak these days.' And, yet he found one easily enough with the Tories. There you go, <i>that's</i> your future sorted, Graham. Reminds one rather of a line of dialogue in an episode of <b>Drop The Dead Donkey</b> - a sitcom <i>not</i> co-written by a complete tool - in which Gus Hedges remarks to a Russian visitor that Mrs Thatcher is now, seemingly, very popular in the former Soviet Union. 'Oh yes,' replies the visitor. 'All the Old Stalinists think she's <i>great!</i>' 'The other interesting thing that happened to me is I just lost my TV agent because I criticised David Tennant,' Linehan then claimed. In July, Linehan called Tennant 'disgusting, ignorant [and] reckless' after <i>From The North</i> favourite David wore a t-shirt with the slogan: 'Leave trans kids alone you absolute freaks.' Tennant did not respond to Linehan's comments at the time (or, indeed, since), but has previously spoken about the importance of 'fighting the fight' for LGBT+ rights. Expanding on the claims that he was dropped by Independent Talent, Linehan told the audience: 'I only found this out later because I looked at the list of people Independent Talent represented. David Tennant was at the top and he's making slightly more money than me at the moment, so I had to go.'<br />
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This blogger has been very much enjoying Talking Pictures TV's repeat run of LWT's award-nominated but rarely-seen 1969 series <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPDSTdy-tcw"><b>The Gold Robbers</b></a>. This was a thirteen-part crime drama focusing on the participants in a multi-million pound bullion robbery and the CID officer who doggedly tracks them down. World-weary but determined Detective Chief-Superintendant Cradock (played by the late - and always superb - <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.co.uk/2016/12/geniality.html">Peter Vaughan</a>) is the linking character in each episode; comparisons between Craddock and the Flying Squad's chief thief-taker, Tommy Butler and he and his colleagues pursuit of the Great Train Robbers just a few years earlier are compounded by the fact that the series' technical adviser was ex-detective Arthur Butler (no releation), another former Scotland Yard officer. Major guest stars play the robbers, suspects, witnesses and family members throughout the series, including George Cole, Joss Ackland, John Bindon, Roy Dotrice, Alfred Lynch, Ann Lynn, Katharine Blake, Johnny Shannon, Jennifer Hilary, Wanda Ventham, Peter Bowles, Jeremy Child, George Innes, Terence Rigby, Bernard Hepton, Ian Hendry, Nicholas Ball and Sally Thomsett. The series, which kept Friday-night viewers gripped throughout the summer of 69, was devised and produced by John Hawkesworth and won him a BAFTA nomination for Best Drama Series. Among a celebrated team of writers were Glyn Jones, <b>Z Cars</b> regular Allan Prior and <b>Doctor Who</b>'s first script editor David Whitaker. The story opens with an aircraft carrying over five million knicker in gold, landing at a small airfield in Southern England. Mechanics and armed guards bustle around the plane unloading the cargo. Suddenly, above the noise of whining jets, comes the crack of a high-powered rifle. A police car bursts into flames and, as officials and mechanics scatter in confusion, a tooled-up gang of serious blaggers move in from all directions. In a meticulously-timed operation they hand out some well-tasty violence and escape with the gold in a van which, in turn, is loaded onto another cargo plane and the robbers make good their escape by a vairety of routes. It's <i>The Italian Job</i> with ammonia and shooters instead of baseball bats, essentially. From his temporary headquarters on Westmarsh Airfield, Cradock and his trusty oppo, Sergeant Tommy Thomas (Artro Morris), begin the huge task of working out how the great gold robbery was executed, tracking their quarry and feeling the collars of the naughty chap responsible. <br />
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Each episode focuses on a different aspect of the robbery and the criminals involved; from the air traffic controller who was supposedly a victim of the robbers but was, actually, in on the whole thing (Ackland), to the marksman who fired the shots that destroyed the police car (Dotrice). Cole is terrific in episode four, as Barry Porter, a second-rate con-man with big dreams, a character not a million miles away from a younger Arthur Daley. Richard Bolt (played by Richard Leech) is a, seemingly rather shady, millionaire businessman whose diverse interests include ownership of a travel agency, a London newspaper and an import-export group. It was Bolt's airline that flew the gold into Westmarsh and he offers Cradock and his men every assistance. But, it is clear from the outset, he knows a lot more than he is letting on. Shortly after the robbery it also becomes clear to Cradock that this is anything but a simple heist (with political dimensions as well as criminal ones). There are several interested parties regarding the progress, investigation and outcome of the case, not least the government who could face international repercussions were it to become public knowledge what the intended use of the stolen gold was - to purchase and supply arms to a foreign power. Speaking to <i>TV Times</i> in 1969, Vaughan said that he saw Cradock as a kind of extension of himself. 'In the sense that I personally don't believe in heroes and villains - by which I mean that I don't believe anybody is all good or all bad. Cradock is a real human being - a man with human weaknesses, intent on pursuing good. And, of course, Cradock is obsessed with his job, which is why I say he's like me.' Although it was a huge hit in its day, <b>The Gold Robbers</b> was one of the last major series made for British TV in black and white and, as such, it was one of the first to be quietly forgotten about once colour broadcasts became the norm in late 1969. It was repeated across the ITV network just once (during the summer and autumn of 1970) and then it simply disappeared into the LWT archives before <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gold-Robbers-Complete-Peter-Vaughan/dp/B004EGITEU">a complete DVD</a> was released by the much-missed Network company. All episodes of this tool-stiffeningly violent drama stand up remarkably well considering it's fifty years old. This blogger had only very hazy memories of watching probably just part of one episode of it as a young'un but he'd read quite a bit about the series over the years so it's terrific to finally get to see it, in full. Once again, top marks go to the excellent TPTV for unearthly another half-forgotten gem.<br />
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And, speaking of proper-great British TV shows of 1969, this blogger wishes to draw dear blog readers' attention to Mark Owen's splendid think-piece for the <i>We Are Cult</i> website, <a href="https://wearecult.rocks/the-beginning-of-the-champions"><i>The Beginning Of <b>The Champions</b></i></a>. It's a couple of years old, dear blog reader, but this blogger hadn't previously spotted it; so, now is as good a time as any to catch up on one of the great ITC series of the era. <br />
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Which brings us to Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixty Eight: <i>The Damned</i>. Viveca Lindfors: 'How could you be so cruel?' Oliver Reed: 'Because I enjoy it, my dear lady!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixty Nine: <i>The Black Torment</i>. Heather Sears: 'Richard, you are <i>not</i> the man I married. And, there is evil at work in this house!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventy: <i>Maniac</i>. Kerwin Matthews: 'Can I buy you a drink, Salon?' Norman Bird: 'Oh, no thank you, Monsieur. I am on duty and when on duty, I allow myself *three* drinks only!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventy One: <i>The Phantom Of The Opera</i>. Herbert Lom: 'You little <i>fool</i>. Do you think you can become a great singer without suffering?!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventy Two: <i>Nightmare</i>. Jennie Linden: 'You found me out there, didn't you? That part of it wasn't a dream! Where does the dream finish and reality begin?' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventy Three: <i>Berserk!</i> Joan Crawford: 'Quite a party.' Ty Hardin: 'Don't get the wrong idea.' Joan Crawford: '<i>What</i>? That you've been entertaining a woman in your caravan dressed like <i>that</i>?' Ty Hardin: 'She came in and I threw her out.' Joan Crawford: '<i>After two hours</i>!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventy Four: <i>The Blood Beast Terror</i>. Peter Cushing: 'The only time we have a witness to one of these murders and he's out of his mind.' Robert Flemyng: 'Tell me, Inspector, why do you pay so much attention to the ravings of a lunatic?'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventy Five: <i>The Brides Of Fu Manchu</i>. Christopher Lee: 'As you were the leader of the rebellion, you shall be the first to go to the snakes!' <br />
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This, dear blog readers, is the only photo that Keith Telly Topping ever took of Sycamore Gap. And now, <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-tyne-66980494">thanks to the actions of some numbskull plank with access to a chainsaw</a>, it is the only one that this blogger ever will. Which is both sad and, indeed, sad. As this blogger told his dear <i>Facebook</i> fiends, the term '<a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-tyne-66947040">vandalism</a>' is wholly inadequate to describe this particular outrage; there has got to be a stronger words for it than <i>that</i>. Vandalism is smashing a few windows in a temper because you're feeling anti-social, we've all done <i>that</i> or something similar to it in our time. This is on another level. Involving an effing <i>chainsaw</i>.<br />
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Of course, the Middle Class hippy Communists at the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i> were as <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/oct/01/observer-view-sycamore-gap-tree-reminder-natures-precarity">appalled</a> as most 'normal' people by this utterly senseless occurrence. Hateful GB News <i>obscenity</i> Stephen Dixon, meanwhile, sneeringly rubbished the hurt feelings of many in the North East (and beyond) by <a href="https://www.gbnews.com/celebrity/stephen-dixon-sycamore-gap-debate">claiming</a> it was 'just a tree'. Is it, dear blog reader, any wonder, that many of us take such broad delight in <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/laurence-fox-gb-news-ava-evans-calvin-robinson-b2421431.html">the continuing troubles</a> of this most odious of news outlets? But, the lack of sensitivity wasn't restricted to the right the political spectrum. Oh no, indeed. Bitter old Red, the 'performance poet' <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attila_the_Stockbroker">Attila The Stockbroker</a> (<i>not</i> his real name, just in case you were wondering) used his <i>Facebook</i> page to suggest that their are greater crimes than chopping down a tree. And that one of them is <i>being a Tory</i>, seemingly. <br />
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Oh, <i>bravo</i> and three cheers, Attila me auld sausage - <i>that'll</i> really shake 'em up down at Tory Central Office. Seriously, dear blog reader, given that Attila's been trotting (s'cuse the pun) out pretty much the same sort of material since the early 1980s (when this blogger used to read and rather enjoy a lot of it - before he <i>grew up</i>) and that Attila is now in his mid-Sixties, you'd've though that, by now, the message would have sunk in. That radical poetry of the kind <b>The Young Ones</b> used to parody so effortlessly isn't, really, going to shake The Bloody System to its very foundations. You do <i>that</i> by voting them out at general erections and getting in someone else to be, hopefully, marginally less of a twat. Simple premise - it's called democracy. The Greeks thought it up. And then, look what happened to <i>their</i> economy. <br />
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Media regulator Ofcom (a politically-appointed quango, elected by no one) has <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-66952284">launched an investigation</a> into the <b>Dan Wootton Tonight</b> show on odious GB News after a sexism row sparked over seven thousand complaints. And, for once, three cheers for Ofcom. Twenty four carat wack-nutjob Laurence Fox drew condemnation after insulting the journalist Ava Evans, asking what 'self-respecting man' would 'climb into bed' with her, during Tuesday's live show. A better question, surely, may be what self-respecting man would boast about whom he would and would not climb into bed with on a forum such as <i>that</i> (even if it was only being watched by a tiny fraction of the general population). So much for <i>your own</i> self-respect, Larry. Being 'quite good' in thirty odd episodes of <b>Lewis</b> and a member of a noted theatrical family does <i>not</i> entitle you to act like a guffawing sex-obsessed fifteen year old in public. Shame on you. Ofcom said that it will 'probe' the episode under the rules on offence. Personally, this blogger thinks that the 'rules of offence' are <i>far</i> too narrow, otherwise Wootton, with an offensive face as well as an offensive mouth and a brain that is both narrow and full of shit, would be under <i>permenant</i> investigation. The <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> earlier said it had ended Wootton's contract as a columnist. Which, let's face it, is <i>funny</i>. Listen, mate, when even the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> think you're too toxic to handle, you <i>know</i> you're in some <i>serious</i> diarrhoea. It came a day after Wootton and Fox, two of GB News' most high-profile presenters, were both suspended by the channel. Fox claimed on Thursday he was 'sorry for demeaning' Evans (one or two people even believed him), while Wootton apologised and said he should have intervened (not a single person believed <i>him</i>). Ofcom's chief executive, Dame Melanie Dawes, told the Radio 4 <i>PM</i> programme that there were 'good reasons to think there may have been a breach' on its rules on offence. Not pre-judging anything obviously. But, yes, there is. She said: 'Clearly there's been a lot of concern about this and that's why we've actually acted very quickly this week.' She added, more widely, there was a 'real issue with misogyny' in discourse, particularly on social media. And, amongst those who are hard of thinking. You put <i>that</i> condition and social media together and, boy have you got a cesspool to deal with? Ofcom launched the investigation under rule 2.3 of the Broadcasting Code, in which broadcasters must ensure material which may cause offence is justified by the context. Earlier, the publisher for the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> announced it had extremely sacked Wootton, who had written a column for the newspaper since 2021, 'following events this week.' A DMG Media spokesperson said: 'DMG Media can confirm that Dan Wootton's freelance column with <i>MailOnline</i>, which had already been paused, has now been terminated, along with his contract.' The paper had paused the column last month as it announced it was 'looking into' allegations that Wootton used a fake online identity to offer money to individuals for sexually explicit images. Wootton admitted making 'errors of judgment' but strongly denies any criminality. Meanwhile, Fox, who initially said he 'stood by' his outrageously horrid remarks, snivellingly apologised to Evans, <i>PoliticsJOE</i>'s political correspondent, on Thursday evening in a fifteen-minute video - despite saying he was still angry at her. A tip, Lazza, mate; when you're in a hole, it's usually a good idea to <i>stop digging</i>. 'It's demeaning to her, to Ava, so I'm sorry for demeaning you in that way,' he said, adding 'I know I'm going to get sacked tomorrow.'<br />
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On <b>Sky Sports News</b> one day last week, the presenters were discussing Australia's somewhat disastrous Rugby World Cup performance against Wales with some bloke from the <i>Sydney Morning Herald</i> called Tom Decent. Presumably, afterwards, they then sought the views of his colleagues Shane Average, Philip Inadequate and Frank Rubbish?<br />
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Shortly after posting <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/every-toy-is-prologue-to-some-great.html">the last <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update</a>, this blogger was watching his beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Magpies giving Sheffield United a damned, good, hard, trousers-down eight-nil spanking. Simultaneously, he was having quite a bit of fun clicking 'like' on lots of stuff on <i>Facebook</i>. Because, this blogger was in a happy mood and enjoying reading stuff posted by his fiends (and, others with like-minded interests). But, apparently, <i>Facebook</i> has a real problem with people liking lots of stuff in a short space of time. They don't want people to like lots of stuff in a short space of time. They would appear to prefer it if we <i>did not</i> like lots of stuff in a short space of time. Which is <i>effing annoying</i> on all sorts of levels. <br />
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This blogger has, he is sure, mentioned previously the delightful Mrs Bagina who lives in a house directly opposite The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House with her husband (that would be Mister Bagina). Recently, this blogger learned that the Baginas are shortly to be moving to North Shields, which is a darn shame since good neighbours are hard to come by. But, mainly, because nothing can quite describe the overwhelming joy when a letter addressed to them accidentally gets delivered to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House (which happens more often than you'd think, dear blog reader). That <i>will</i> be missed.<br />
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Moving on swiftly to the first in a new, semi-regular, <i>From The North</i> series: '<i>Things That They (You Know, Them That Are In Charge Of Things) Should Bring Back Instantly (If Not Sooner)</i>'. Number one: Dark chocolate club biscuits. Which remain unsighted in the wild, <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2009/03/join-our-club-more-songs-about.html">as previously bemoaned on this very blog</a>, since circa 1982. And yet the utter abominations that are fruit and mint flavoured varieties both still exist. <i>No</i> justice. <br />
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Admission time, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping always rather fancied joining top pop duo Orbital. <br />
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This blogger could do <i>that</i>, dear blog reader. <i>He</i> could play 'Doctor?' in a bangin' techno-style(e) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YxtPmUaFRI">at Glastonbury with Smudger</a>. Wibbly-wobbly, timey-winey. <br />
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Oh no, dear blog readers. <i>Too</i> late. <br />
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And now, dear blog readers, we come to the saddest part of the latest bloggerisationisms update. In the 1960s, there was one actor who could justifiably claim that ladies really did prefer blonds. As the super-secret agent Illya Kuryakin in <b>The Man From UNCLE</b>, David McCallum, who has died this week aged ninety, reportedly received more fan-mail from young women than any other actor in MGM's history. With his haircut in the style of The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the era, you might've heard of them), his liking for black turtleneck sweaters (which created a fashion fad) and an aloof and enigmatic wryness, through which he sneaked a fair amount of charm and self-amusement, McCallum made Kuryakin into a sex symbol of the period. He provided a trendy contrast to <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2016/11/strangely-brown.html">the late Robert Vaughn</a>'s Napoleon Solo, his fellow spy, who went in for expensive suits and ties. Although Solo and Kuryakin worked perfectly in tandem, their personalities were at variance, the former being urbane, easygoing and sociable, the latter more reserved, intellectual and intense. The James Bond craze had already taken off when <b>The Man From UNCLE</b> launched in 1964, so US audiences were used to laidback heroes and their villainous nemeses. However, it was surprising to find a hip Russian alongside the good guys of United Network Command for Law and Enforcement fighting against the evil THRUSH, during the cold war. McCallum, who played Illya with the slightest Russian accent and an occasional Scottish lilt, was also known recently for his long-running role from 2003 in the popular CBS crime series <b>NCIS</b>. <br />
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David Keith mcCallum was born in Glasgow. His parents were classical musicians; his mother, Dorothy Dorman, a cellist, his father, David, a violinist and leader of the London Philharmonic Orchestra. McCallum Junior won a scholarship to University College school, Hampstead, before being accepted at RADA, where he studied from 1949 to 1951, having given up his ambition and his parents' wish, to play the oboe professionally. In 1951, McCallum managed to satisfy his love for both music and the theatre by landing the position of assistant stage manager at Glyndebourne opera. There, he developed a fascination for acting. There were appearances as a child in BBC radio drama and involvement in amateur dramatics. A well-received performance as the doomed prince in Shakespeare's <i>King John</i> helped him make the decision. 'I pleaded, unsuccessfully, with the assassin not to kill me,' he recalled. 'It is a real tear-jerker and the audience applauded wildly at the end. It was in that moment I realised that my home in this world was on a stage.' However, he was soon called up to do his national service in West Africa. Demobbed as a lieutenant, the nineteen-year-old McCallum headed for the theatre, which mainly meant stage-management jobs in rep. In 1956, he half-heartedly posted off some photographs of himself to the Rank Organisation, which was scouting for young talent. The photos were seen by Clive Donner, who was casting his first feature, <i>The Secret Place</i> (1957) and he invited McCallum to do a reading. 'Although he was nervous, his voice was firm and he was very good,' Donner recalled. 'I sat and looked at him for a long time. He was very skinny, with a marvellous head and huge eyes. I think he was living in a bedsit in Archway at that time and had little money. We put him under contract straight away.' Obviously under the influence of James Dean, the leather-jacketed McCallum, playing a young punk involved in a heist, did his best to convey teenage angst. In Cy Endfield's gritty thriller <i>Hell Drivers</i> (1957 and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">previously reviewed on this blog</a>), McCallum plays Stanley Baker's younger brother, on crutches as a result of a crime gone wrong. In the cast, as a waitress, was twenty-year-old Jill Ireland. McCallum and Ireland were to marry a few months before the film's release. Soon after, they played young lovers in <i>Robbery Under Arms</i> (1957), an adventure shot mostly in Australia. It was back to British realism with Basil Dearden's <i>Violent Playground</i> (1958), in which McCallum plays a juvenile delinquent gang-leader in Liverpool (again, opposite Baker with whom he got on well). Despite a mite too posh an accent, he makes a vivid impression with his drawn features and mop of fair hair dancing to the wild, pagan rhythms of rock and/or roll music. <br />
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There followed several more conventional supporting roles, such as radio operators, first on the Titanic in <i>A Night To Remember</i> (1958) and a jumpy one in an Elstree-studio Burmese jungle in the war drama <i>The Long & The Short & The Tall</i> (1961). He was even more nervy in John Huston's <i>Freud</i> (1962) as one of the first of the psychoanalyst's patients, a young man who assaulted his father because of an incestuous love for his mother. After appearing as a sympathetic officer in Peter Ustinov's <i>Billy Budd</i> (1962), McCallum went to Germany to make John Sturges's <i>The Great Escape</i> (1963), the most expensive PoW picture of them all. Among a star-studded cast, headed by Steve McQueen, James Garner and Charles Bronson, McCallum held his own among the Brits as Eric Ashley-Pitt who devises a way of getting rid of dirt from the digging of the escape tunnel. But more significant for him was the fact that Ireland, who was with him during the shoot, fell for Bronson. Ireland and McCallum divorced; he later married Katherine Carpenter, while Ireland married Bronson. David's death now leaves William Russell (<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">also aged ninety</a>) as the final surviving member of one of the most memorable casts in movie history. McCallum, who was already making his principal career on television, was given the role of Kuryakin in <b>The Man From UNCLE</b>, but was soon granted equal billing with Vaughn after it rapidly became clear that he had developed a huge fanbase. Alma Cogan recorded a song called 'Love Ya, Illya', which became a pirate-radio hit in Britain in 1966 and as late as 1991, an Argentinian funk duo named themselves Illya Kuryaki & The Valderramas, after McCallum's character and the large-haired Colombian footballer. The first feature-film spin-off from the TV series, <i>To Trap A Spy</i> (1965), in which McCallum had a small role, did little business (like all of the <b>UNCLE</b> 'movies' these were, essentially, two-part TV episodes with some additional filmed material given a theatrical release in many territories). But the second one, <i>The Spy With My Face</i>, co-starring McCallum, was successful, followed by the box-office hits <i>One Of Our Spies Is Missing</i>, <i>One Spy Too Many</i> and <i>The Spy In The Green Hat</i> (all 1966) and <i>How To Steal The World</i> (1968). After <b>The Man From UNCLE</b> finished in 1968, McCallum continued to make guest appearances on TV until his second long-running series, the BBC's <b>Colditz</b> (1972-74), in which he played Flight Lieutenant Simon Carter, a hot-headed RAF officer who is impatient to escape. Subsequently, McCallum appeared and disappeared as a scientist in <b>The Invisible Man</b> (1975-76 which this blogger was a big fan of but which was quickly cancelled due to a lack of interest by many other viewers) and co-starred with Joanna Lumley in ATV's spooky <b>Sapphire & Steel</b> (1979-82) as the eponymous extra-dimensional detectives sent to Earth to monitor threats to the time-stream. Despite PJ Hammond's often cryptic storylines, the series regularly pulled in audiences of more than eleven million punters. This blogger thought it was <i>great</i>. However, a reorganisation of the ITV regional companies, coupled with rising production costs, saw the series dropped, to audience disappointment, in 1982 and ended with the duo trapped, seemingly for eternity, in an abandoned cafe. <br />
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McCallum was seldom off television screens over the next three decades (1989's <b>Mother Love</b>, 1991's <b>Trainer</b>, 2001's <b>The Education of Max Bickford</b>), making the occasional sortie into films. He also did some theatre in New York, where he and his wife had settled, notably Julius Caesar in a Central Park production (2000), playing the title role as 'a senile old man, suffering from ideas of grandeur' according to the actor and portraying the Emperor Joseph II on Broadway in Peter Hall's revival of <i>Amadeus</i> (1999-2000). He liked living and working in America, he said, because they had a far greater work-ethic than we have in Britain. In 2003, his looks belying his age, McCallum began playing Ducky Mallard, chief medical examiner, in the TV series <b>NCIS</b>, following the cases of the fictional agents of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service. His research for the part included studying pathology and sitting in on real autopsies. He stayed with the show for the rest of his life, appearing in all twenty series up to and including this year. In one episode, one character asks another what Ducky would have looked like when he was younger. 'Illya Kuryakin' comes the reply. McCallum is survived by Katherine, their son, Peter and daughter, Sophie and by his sons Val and Paul from his first marriage; Jason, his third son with Ireland, died in 1989.<br />
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The acting career of Gayle Hunnicutt, who died in September aged eighty, could be defined a a play in two acts. As an up-and-coming starlet in Hollywood she was often cast for her stunning beauty. Then, after marrying David Hemmings, she moved to the UK, where she played big parts in two major television series like <b>The Golden Bowl</b> and <b>Fall Of Eagles</b>. After a divorce she married the journalist and editor Simon Jenkins and, alongside her acting career, became a fixture of the British social scene. She may, though, be best remembered for the final three series of <b>Dallas</b>, from 1989 to 1991, in which she played Vanessa Beaumont, an English aristocrat whose long-ago affair with JR Ewing produced a son he never knew. <br />
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Gayle Hunnicutt was born in Fort Worth. Her father, Sam, was a colonel in the army; her mother, Mary, gave birth to Gayle while her husband was serving in New Caledonia during World War II. Her parents did not support her desire to go to college, but she won a scholarship to the University of California and paid for her time there with part-time work while studying English and theatre. Spotted in a college production by a talent scout from Warner Brothers, she made her debut on the television naval comedy <b>Mister Roberts</b> at the age of twenty three in 1966 and then in Roger Corman's Peter Fonda/Nancy Sinatra film <i>Wild Angels</i>, about a San Pedro motorcycle gang. Who get loaded and have a good time. Once asked whom she would most want to look like, Hunnicutt replied Audrey Hepburn, whose beauty, like hers, was often described as 'porcelain' or even 'cold'. But Hepburn also projected a certain vulnerability, whereas Hunnicutt seemed to carry her beauty naturally. Rather than Hollywood's typecasting of her as a beauty queen, she needed parts that played on a contrast between fragile beauty and steely character. She got noticed in 1967 for her role as a woman trying to con Jed Clampett out of his fortune in a two-part episode of <b>The Beverly Hillbillies</b> and then playing opposite James Garner in the film <i>Marlowe</i> (1969) as the older sister, Mavis Wald, protecting secrets in a film based on Raymond Chandler's novel <i>The Little Sister</i>. By then she had met Hemmings, at a party at Peter Lawford's beach house. She described it as love at first sight and they married in 1968. Hemmings, already a major star after <i>Blow Up</i>, characterised them as the 'poor man's Liz Taylor and Richard Burton' and although Hunnicutt 'always thought that was silly', her new husband seemed intent on replicating the conflict of the Taylor/Burton relationship. Within three months of the wedding he began a very public affair with Samantha Eggar, yet despite his serial infidelity they remained married and moved to Britain, where their son, Nolan, was born. <br />
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Gayle co-starred with Hemmings in <b>Fragment Of Fear</b> (1970) which is mostly terrific in spite a woefully ambiguous ending and then was directed by him in <i>Running Scared</i> (1972) with Robert Powell. In 1973 she played in <i>Scorpio</i>, in which Michael Winner <i>wasted</i> the talents of Burt Lancaster and Alain Delon, then again alongside Hemmings in <i>Voices</i>, which was less interesting than her next horror film, <i>The Legend Of Hell House</i> (opposite Roddy McDowell, Pamela Franklin and Clive Revill; another fine movie let down by a rather dodgy <i>denouement</i>). Being in Britain brought her theatre opportunities and, in 1973, she was in her fellow American Michael Rudman's Hampstead Theatre production of Peter Handke's <i>Ride Across Lake Constance</i>, alongside Alan Howard, Jenny Agutter, Nigel Hawthorne and Nicola Pagett. In 1972 she also starred on the small screen in the BBC's adaptation of Henry James's <b>The Golden Bowl</b> as Charlotte Stant, playing, for the first time, a transatlantic character. She followed up with another success as the Tsarina Alexandra in <b>Fall Of Eagles</b> (1974) and that year also played in <i>Nuits Rouges</i> (aka <i>Shadowman</i> in its English dubbed version), George Franju's <i>homage</i> to the fictional criminal genius Fantômas, in which she was memorable in an Irma Vep-style bodysuit being chased by police across the Paris rooftops. She revisited Fantômas in three episodes of the eponymous 1980 French mini-series, directed by Claude Chabrol and Luis Buñuel's son, Juan Luis. In the BBC's 1978 TV film <b>Dylan</b> she played Liz Reitel, a woman having an affair with Ronald Lacey's Dylan Thomas, drinking his way through his ill-fated final American tour. <br />
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Hunnicutt had divorced Hemmings in 1974 and married Jenkins in 1978, by which time she was a notable presence on stage and in quality television roles. In London in 1979 she ranged from playing the title role in the Watermill Theatre's production of Ibsen's <i>Hedda Gabler</i> to being Peter Pan at the Shaftesbury Theatre. That year she also starred in a double episode of <b>The Return Of The Saint</b> with Ian Ogilvy, which was later repackaged as a TV movie. She would play in another <b>Saint</b> TV movie, <b>The Brazilian Connection</b> (1989) with Simon Dutton. She also returned to Raymond Chandler as a <i>femme fatale</i> opposite Powers Boothe in an episode of <b>Marlowe, Private Eye</b> in 1983. In the first episode of <b>The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes</b> (1984) opposite Jeremy Brett, she played Holmes' great female rival, Irene Adler. In 1985 she starred as Donna Lloyd with Gene Hackman and Matt Dillon in Arthur Penn's thriller, <i>Target</i>. Her most personal project was a two-hander, <i>The Life & Loves Of Edith Wharton</i>, which debuted in 1995 at the Hampstead Theatre and toured for many years afterwards; according to Jenkins, she identified with the troubled Anglo-American writer. Later she played Mary Wollstonecraft in another two-hander, <i>The Two Marys</i>. Her last screen role came in a 1999 episode of <b>CI5: The New Professionals</b>. But, we can't really blame her for <i>that</i>. Having written a book called <i>Health & Beauty In Motherhood</i> in 1984, two decades later she published <i>Dearest Virginia</i>, a moving collection of her father’s love letters written while he was serving in the South Pacific. She and Jenkins divorced in 2009; her sale of the Primrose Hill house they had lived in for three decades became an episode of a 2012 reality show, <b>Selling London</b>. She is survived by Nolan, another son, Edward, from her marriage to Jenkins and five grandchildren, Poppy, Theo, Oscar, Dash and Nia. <br />
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The word 'great' is somewhat promiscuously applied to actors. But it was undoubtedly deserved by Sir Michael Gambon, who has died aged eighty two after suffering from pneumonia. He had weight, presence, authority, vocal power and a chameleon-like ability to reinvent himself from one part to another. He was a natural for heavyweight classic roles such as King Lear and – in the days when white actors played the role – Othello. But what was truly remarkable was Gambon's interpretative skill in the work of the best contemporary dramatists, including Harold Pinter, Alan Ayckbourn, Dennis Potter, David Hare, Caryl Churchill and Simon Gray. Although he was a fine TV and film actor – and, sadly, will forever be identified in the popular imagination of young people with Professor Albus Dumbledore in the Potter franchise – the stage was his natural territory. It is also no accident that, in his private life, Gambon was an expert on and assiduous collector of, machine tools and firearms for, as Peter Hall once said: 'Fate gave him genius but he uses it as a craftsman.' Off-stage, he was also a larger-than-life figure and a superb raconteur. However, Gambon's <i>bravura</i> was also mixed with a certain modesty; he said that he found it difficult to learn lines at his age. 'Sometimes,' he said, 'I sleep with a script under my pillow, or just carry it around in my raincoat pocket, in the hope the lines will rub off on me.' <br />
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Michale John Gambon was born into a working-class Dublin family that had no artistic background; his mother, Mary, was a seamstress and his father, Edward, an engineer. When the family settled in Britain after the World War II, the young Gambon went to St Aloysius school, in Somers Town. On leaving at fifteen he took a five-year apprenticeship with Vickers-Armstrongs, leading to a job as a tool-and-die maker. With his mechanical aptitude, he loved the work. But he also discovered a passion for amateur theatre and, having started by building sets, eventually moved into performing. 'I went <i>varoom</i>! I thought, Jesus, <i>this</i> is for me.' With typical <i>chutzpah</i>, he wrote to the Gate Theatre in Dublin, creating a fantasy list of roles that he had supposedly played in London, including Marchbanks in Shaw's <i>Candida</i>; in the end, he made his professional debut there in 1962 as the Second Gentleman in <i>Othello</i>. His best decision, however, on returning to London, was to sign up for an improvisational class run by William Gaskill at the Royal Court. Gaskill was about to join the newly formed National Theatre company at the Old Vic and recommended Gambon for an audition: hence the celebrated story of Gambon's first encounter with Laurence Olivier, which ended with the young actor, in his excess of zeal, banging his hand on a nail in an upstage column and bleeding profusely. Far from being the nail in Gambon's coffin, this led to a productive four years with the National in which he progressed from walk-ons to substantial roles such as that of Swiss Cheese in Gaskill's revival of <i>Mother Courage</i>. On Olivier's advice, however, Gambon left the National in 1967 to hone and pursue his craft at Birmingham rep – a shrewd move which saw him, at the astonishingly early age of twenty seven, playing his first Othello. He moved on later to the Royal Shakespeare Company and in 1968 made his first foray into television with the leading role in a BBC adventure series called <b>The Borderers</b>. It was while buckling his swash on <b>The Borderers</b>, set in Sixteenth Century Scotland, that he was spotted by Cubby Broccoli and asked to audition for the new Bond film, <i>On Her Majesty's Secret Service</i>. While it may be amusing to reflect on how Gambon's Bond could have turned out - more George Smiley than 007 - he was not enthusiastic about taking it on. 'I haven't got nice hair and I'm a bit fat,' he told Broccoli and the part went, instead, to George Lazenby. However, it was through working on another TV series, <b>The Challengers</b>, that he made a contact that was to transform his career. His fellow actor Eric Thompson was moving into directing and in 1974 was set to do an Ayckbourn trilogy, <i>The Norman Conquests</i>, at the Greenwich Theatre. He cast Gambon, against type, as a dithering vet. He revealed, for the first time, his shape-shifting gifts.<br />
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This led to a highly productive working relationship with Ayckbourn including key roles in <i>Just Between Ourselves</i> (Queen's Theatre, 1977) and <i>Sisterly Feelings</i> (National, 1980). At the same time, Gambon began an association with Gray by taking over, from Alan Bates, the role of the emotionally detached hero in <i>Otherwise Engaged</i> (Queen's, 1976). That was directed by Pinter, for whom in 1978 Gambon created the part of Jerry in <i>Betrayal</i> at the National. It was a production beset by problems, including a strike that threatened to cancel the first night, but Gambon's mixture of physical power and emotional delicacy marked him out as a natural Pinter actor. That power, however, manifested itself in the 1980s in a series of performances that staked out Gambon's claim to greatness. First, in 1980, came Brecht's <i>Galileo</i> at the National: a triumphant performance which brought out the toughness, obduracy and ravening intellectual curiosity of Brecht's hero. It was a measure of his breakthrough that, as Gambon returned to his dressing room after the first night, he found the other actors in the National's internal courtyard were shouting and roaring their approval. Two years later, Gambon returned to the RSC to play both a monumental <i>King Lear</i> and a ravaged Antony opposite Helen Mirren's Cleopatra. But arguably the finest of all of Gambon's 1980s performances was his Eddie Carbone in Arthur Miller's <i>A View From The Bridge</i>, directed by Ayckbourn at the National (1987). It helped that Gambon actually looked like Miller's longshoreman-hero: big and barrel-chested with muscular forearms, he was plausibly a man who could work the Brooklyn docks. Gambon also charted Eddie's complex inner-life through precise physical actions. He stabbed a table angrily with a fork on learning that his niece had got a job, let his eyes roam restlessly over a paper as the niece and the immigrant Rodolpho quietly spooned and buckled visibly at the knees on realising that a fatal phone-call to the authorities had ensnared two other immigrants. In its power and melancholy, this towering performance justified the sobriquet once applied by Ralph Richardson of 'the great Gambon.'<br />
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When you consider that the decade also saw Gambon playing the psoriasis-ravaged hero of Dennis Potter's groundbreaking TV series <b>The Singing Detective</b> (1986), you realise his virtuosity and range. Gambon won a BAFTA for his role as the mystery writer Philip Marlowe ('my mother should have called me Christopher, I'd've been a better writer!') confined to a hospital bed with a crippling skin and joint disease, who dreams of a fantasy world in which he also played his character's alter-ego, the eponymous 1940s sleuth. He played the violent gangster Albert Spica in Peter Greenaway's dark crime comedy <i>The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover</i> in 1989 and throughout the 1990s there were a number of other leading film roles. These included <i>Toys</i>, in which he played alongside Robin Williams, as well as <i>Plunkett & Macleane</i>, a grand turn in Tim Burton's <i>Sleepy Hollow</i> and <i>Gosford Park</i>. He also appeared as Inspector Maigret in an ITV adaptation of Georges Simenon's books which ran for two series. His virtuosity became even clearer in 1990 when he played the mild-mannered hero of Ayckbourn's <i>Man Of The Moment</i> (Globe Theatre), had another crack at <i>Othello</i> for Ayckbourn in Scarborough and appeared, in 1989, as a romantically fixated espionage agent in Pinter's TV adaptation of Elizabeth Bowen's <b>The Heat Of The Day</b>: that last performance, alternately sinister and shy, was one of Gambon's finest for television and deserved a far wider showing. In later years Gambon successfully balanced his stage career with an amazingly prolific one in film and television. In Hare's <i>Skylight</i> at the National in 1995 he combined the bulk and weight of a prosperous restaurateur with a feathery lightness – a skipping post-coital dance across the stage with the balletic grace often possessed by heavily built men. Gambon was equally brilliant as a disgusting, Dickensian, accent-shifting Davies in a revival of Pinter's <i>The Caretaker</i> (Comedy Theatre, 2000), as a perplexed bull of a father in Churchill's <i>A Number</i> (Royal Court, 2002), as a Lear-like Hamm in Beckett's <i>Endgame</i> (Albery, 2004) and as a brooding, alcoholic Hirst in Pinter's <i>No Man's Land</i> (Duke of York's, 2008). Even if Gambon's Falstaff in a 2005 National Theatre production of <i>Henry IV Parts 1 & 2</i> did not quite match expectations, his work for the theatre revealed an ability to combine volcanic power with psychological depth and physical delicacy. Ill health and increasing memory problems forced him to retire from stage acting in 2015, but not before he had given memorable performances in two Beckett plays: <i>Krapp's Last Tape</i> (Duchess, 2010) and <i>All That Fall</i> (Jermyn Street Theatre, 2012), where he played, opposite Eileen Atkins.<br />
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He also continued to work in television and film for as long as possible. He belied the whole notion of the small screen by giving large-scale performances as the black sheep of a big family in Stephen Poliakoff's <b>Perfect Strangers</b> (2001) and as a reclusive plutocrat in the same writer's <b>Joe's Palace</b> (2007). He was nominated for awards for his performances as Lyndon Johnson in an American TV movie, <b>Path To War</b> (2002) and as Mister Woodhouse in a BBC version of Jane Austen's <b>Emma</b> (2009). He was brilliant as a wounded, Scourge-like victim of a father's bullying in the 2010 <b>Doctor Who</b> festive episode <i>A Christmas Carol</i>. Later TV series included <b>The Casual Vacancy</b> (2015), <b>Fearless</b> (2017) and <b>Little Women</b> (2017). His film work included a heavyweight mafia boss in <i>Mobsters</i> (1991), the aged Lord Marchmain in <i>Brideshead Revisited</i> (2008), a cantankerous old director in Dustin Hoffman's <i>Quartet</i> (2012) and the bearded Hogwarts headteacher in six of the eight Harry Potter films, taking over the role for <i>Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban</i> (2004) following the death of Richard Harris. This blogger was amused but, also, somewhat saddened that, in the wake of Sir Michael's death, the media tributes that were paid to him almost exclusively included the phrase '<i>Harry Potter</i> actor' in their headlines, reducing a career of astonishing depth and variety to but one part. Gambon himself, you felt, would have found that hilarious. He also played Private Godfrey in the (really poor) 2016 film version of <i>Dad's Army</i>, Agent Five in slapstick spy comedy <i>Johnny English Strikes Again</i>, another TV Shakespearean turn as Mortimer in <b>The Hollow Crown</b> and, in his final role, as Moses in the 2019 film <i>Cordelia</i>. He also provided the narration for the Coen brothers' excellent <i>Hail, Caesar!</i> (2016) and voiceovers for the two <i>Paddington</i> films (2014 and 2017, both firm <i>From The North</i> favourites).<br />
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Away from acting, he collected and restored antique guns and clocks and was a noted classic car enthusiast, making <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3W7pLkFkVjg">a memorable appearance</a> on <b>Top Gear</b> in 2002. His drive in the 'reasonably priced car' around the test track saw him take the final corner on two wheels. The producers were so impressed by his recklessness that they subsequently named the corner after him. On <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOqS2jZdaoI&t=313s">a second appearance</a>, three years later, he had Jeremy Clarkson in fits of laughter recalling being interviewed whilst playing Oscar Wilde on-stage and being asked, by a particularly stupid journalist, if he found it difficult to get 'into' the character. 'No, I found that very easy because I used to be homosexual,' he claimed. 'But I was forced to give it up.' When asked why, he replied 'because it made my eyes water!' Gambon brought to everything he did, in life as well as art, enormous gusto, a sense of twinkling mischief and a concern with precision: he was almost as happy restoring old firearms as he was working on a new role. In 1992 he was appointed CBE and, six years later, he was knighted. He married Anne Miller in 1962, and they had a son, Fergus. From a subsequent relationship with Philippa Hart, whom he met on the set of <i>Gosford Park</i>, he had two sons, Michael and William. He is survived by Anne and his three sons. <br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-44347859856553695542023-09-24T16:27:00.012+01:002023-10-04T20:09:16.636+01:00Every Toy Is The Prologue To Some Great Amiss<div style="text-align: justify;">
'I've got a memory. After a very long time, something's <i>coming back</i>.' Just as BBC1's viewers were about to enter the ballroom for the first live show of <b>Strictly Come Dancing</b>'s 2023 series (Annabel Croft's going to win <i>that</i>, by the way - you heard it here first), they were transported, <i>en masse</i>, to the TARDIS with an exclusive <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEkC6InjWQ8">new two minute trailer</a>. Which revealed more of what is to come when <b>Doctor Who</b> returns to our screens this November. And lo, dear blog readers, it was shit-yer-pants <i>fantastic</i> in this blogger's opinion. And, he's a <i>very highly respected author</i>, so you should probably take what he has to say jolly seriously. Or not, as the case may be. The trailer again featured Neil Patrick Harris waltzing about a bit and it has now been confirmed that he will, indeed, be playing The Celestial Toymaker, the powerful enemy of The Doctor last seen in a titular four-parter in 1966 played by the late Michael Gough. As just about every fan in the entirety of fandom had been <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">speculating about since August 2022</a>. But what is the thing which brings The Doctor face-to-face with this enemy from his past, you may be wondering? This blogger knows he certainly is. <br />
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Also confirmed in the trailer, UNIT is <i>also</i> back. Jemma Redgrave will reprise her role as Kate Lethbridge-Stewart alongside David Tennant for the first time since 2013's <i>The Day Of The Doctor</i>. Given that Jemma is also showing up in at least one of Ncuti Gatwa's first series as The Doctor, that will be <i>six</i> Doctor's that she has interacted with since 2012, exactly the same number as her on-screen father, the late Nicholas Courtney, managed.<br />
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Russell Davies was quoted as saying (in a <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/2023/doctor-who-new-trailer-60th-anniversary-specials">BBC press release</a>): 'This is just the start, as the fever starts to burn. We're heading for a November full of <b>Doctor Who</b> surprises, for fans and new viewers alike. Stay alert!' We shall, Big Rusty, we shall. Needless to say, the trailer attracted the attention of just about every media organ in the hemisphere, all seeking to be the one to uncrack what 'secrets' the trailer may (or may not) hold. Take, for example (and the list in by no means comprehensive), <a href="https://ew.com/tv/new-doctor-who-trailer-stars-neil-patrick-harris-david-tennant/"><i>Entertainment Weekly</i></a>, <a href="https://news.sky.com/story/david-tennant-and-catherine-tate-appear-in-surprise-doctor-who-trailer-alongside-a-star-studded-cast-12968437"><i>Sky News</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-neil-patrick-harris-toymaker-newsupdate/"><i>Radio Times</i></a> (which used to be run by adults), the <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a45281534/doctor-who-60th-trailer-neil-patrick-harris-toymaker/"><i>Digital Spy</i></a> website, <a href="https://gizmodo.com/doctor-who-star-beast-special-story-trailer-1850867931"><i>Gizmodo</i></a> (no, me neither), <a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-60th-anniversary-specials-trailer-breakdown/"><i>Screen Rant</i></a> (in a <i>really</i> crap article entitled <i>Nine Things You Missed</i>, containing nine things which precisely <i>no one who had their eyes open</i> missed), the <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/doctor-who-sparks-frenzy-new-31012529"><i>Daily Mirra</i></a> (<i><b>Doctor Who</b> Sparks Frenzy With New Trailer</i> according to Charlotte McIntyre, the Assistant Showbiz Editor who is <i>clearly</i> after promotion via her cunning use of crass hyperbole), the <a href="https://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/23809484.doctor-new-trailer-fans-complete-meltdown/"><i>Northern Echo</i></a> (<i>New Trailer Has Fans In Complete Meltdown</i> wrote Matthew Evans who, apparently, wants Charlotte's old job at the <i>Mirra</i> when she's done with it), <a href="https://uk.sports.yahoo.com/news/doctor-unveils-60th-anniversary-specials-173649927.html"><i>Yahoo! Sport</i></a> (!), <a href="https://www.nottinghampost.com/news/celebs-tv/bbc-teases-new-doctor-who-8775188"><i>Nottinghamshire Live</i></a>, <a href="https://metro.co.uk/2023/09/23/doctor-who-trailer-donna-noble-back-at-her-best-as-old-villain-returns-19546828/"><i>Metro</i></a> (so, not a <i>real</i> newspaper), <a href="https://www.ok.co.uk/tv/doctor-who-david-catherine-anniversary-31014221"><i>OK!</i></a> (whose writer, Danni King, appears to have shat herself mid-article judging by the virtually unreadable final two paragraphs), <a href="https://www.doctorwhotv.co.uk/the-toymaker-returns-in-new-60th-anniversary-specials-trailer-released-98740.htm"><i><b>Doctor Who</b> TV</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/showbiz/celebrity-news/david-tennant-catherine-tate-russell-t-davies-chris-chibnall-bbc-b1109042.html"><i>Evening Standard</i></a>, <a href="https://tellyvisions.org/article/trailer-doctor-who-60th-anniversary-specials-destiny-returns-donna-noble"><i>Telly Visions</i></a>, <a href="https://whatsondisneyplus.com/doctor-who-60th-anniversary-specials-trailer-released-2/"><i>What's On Disney Plus</i></a> (written by Roger Palmer who, unlike <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">the last time he wrote a piece for that website</a> on <b>Doctor Who</b>, now appears to understand that Kate Lethbridge-Stewart is a character, <i>not</i> an actress), <a href="https://www.darkhorizons.com/new-trailer-the-doctor-who-60th-specials/"><i>Dark Horizons</i></a>, <a href="https://collider.com/doctor-who-trailer-60th-anniversary-specials/"><i>Collider</i></a>, <a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/doctor-who-60th-anniversary-specials-trailer-david-tennant-neil-patrick-harris-1235597600/"><i>The Hollywood Reporter</i></a>, <a href="https://dapsmagic.com/2023/09/new-trailer-released-for-60th-anniversary-doctor-who-specials/"><i>Daps Magic</i></a> (no, <i>really</i>), the <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12552943/Doctor-new-trailer-60-anniversary-donna-noble.html"><i>Daily Scum Mail</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.warringtonguardian.co.uk/news/national/uk-today/23809474.doctor-new-trailer-fans-complete-meltdown/"><i>Warrington Guardian</i></a>, <a href="https://www.thenational.scot/news/23809533.doctor-new-trailer-fans-complete-meltdown/"><i>The National</i></a>, <a href="https://www.gaytimes.co.uk/television/doctor-who-bbc-releases-official-trailer-for-the-shows-60th-anniversary-specials/"><i>Gay Times</i></a>, <a href="https://deadline.com/2023/09/doctor-who-unveils-60th-anniversary-specials-trailer-neil-patrick-harris-1235554393/"><i>Deadline</i></a>, <a href="https://bleedingcool.com/tv/doctor-who-subwave-network-60th-anniversary-trailer-this-saturday/"><i>Bleeding Cool</i></a>, <a href="https://www.laughingplace.com/w/entertainment/neil-patrick-harris-appears-as-the-toymaker-in-new-doctor-who-trailer/"><i>Laughing Place</i></a>, <a href="https://movieweb.com/doctor-who-sparks-excitement-with-upcoming-trailer-release-tease/"><i>Movie Web</i></a> and <a href="https://www.thenews.com.pk/latest/1112773-doctor-who-60th-anniversary-trailer-promises-donna-nobles-return-and-insane-danger"><i>The News International</i></a>. Not forgetting the <i>Pig Breeders Gazette</i>. Probably.<br />
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Of course, inevitably, within hours of the trailer appearing someone on <i>You Tube</i> had done an extensive - and, really rather good - <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppV8iBIpWAU">breakdown of the entire thing</a>. One which completely surpassed all of the wretched <i>faux</i>-analysis done in the various media organs previously mentioned. And then, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEM4z5ZdJrw">someone else did the same thing</a> even <i>more</i> impressively. Probably lots more fans have done so as well but, after watching those two, this blogger decided that he'd seen the trailer more than enough already and he'd like to wait for the episodes to see any more! <i>Especially</i> after being utterly blown away by <i>The Money Shot</i> of Ncuti at the end. <i>Wow</i>. Are we excited yet, dear blog readers? <br />
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It has been clear for a while that Ncuti Gatwa's Doctor is going to bring us a variety of different costumes. Now a double for the actor has been spotted on location wearing yet another previously unseen outfit. The new costume was photographed by a social media user, who <a href="https://twitter.com/set_dw/status/1703942723382788171?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1703942723382788171%7Ctwgr%5E96066a9305513ca18bbbf3524acb5b193f35b37e%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.radiotimes.com%2Ftv%2Fsci-fi%2Fdoctor-who-another-costume-christmas-filming-newsupdate%2F">posted it</a> on <i>The Artist Formerly Known As Twitter</i>. The costume consists of a tartan kilt, a black leather jacket, black socks and brown boots. <i>Nice threads</i>. 'The double was spotted filming scenes against a very Christmassy backdrop that included various fairy lights and a tree, although it's not currently clear if these are pick-ups for the already filmed 2023 Christmas special or for a future 2024 Yuletide episode,' suggests some plank of no importance at <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults). This blogger will leave it up to dear blog readers to see if they can manage work out which of these two alternative scenarios is the more likely. Or, indeed, what the chances are that filming on an episode scheduled for broadcast in December 2024 is taking place in September 2023. <br />
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Earlier this week, whilst looking on <i>You Tube</i> for, you know, <i>stuff</i> this blogger stumbled across BadWolf42's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iklkzOqcKv8&lc=UgxVckNcDsBMMaYfJoJ4AaABAg">charming assessment</a> of one of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's former regenerations; as the original co-proposer of the <b>Doctor Who</b> 'Season 6B Theory' malarkey in <i>The Discontinuity Guide</i>. What a lovely little piece it is, too. Although, as this blogger was quick to point out to Bad his very self, could he not have found a somewhat more flattering photo of this blogger with which to illustrate the piece than <i>this</i> one? <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG-epZ4UPvCb9WPK0PeN_22zTmxnHYKuToM-e3D6XuBWOWEOHfD-nXRz0mSeHhesgVyXdPJJJpNBy30gDqF2MEKXXiXBK4wwG5rZhqOj2Q6Lu2f1ZRPNOPOY3LnfLhIocqVtEFLjhlrmi4qW4aXm1I0bqmAWVSf9ZtSG0vYiuXFqjZIx4Vdw/s806/Screen%20Capture%20079.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="485" data-original-width="806" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG-epZ4UPvCb9WPK0PeN_22zTmxnHYKuToM-e3D6XuBWOWEOHfD-nXRz0mSeHhesgVyXdPJJJpNBy30gDqF2MEKXXiXBK4wwG5rZhqOj2Q6Lu2f1ZRPNOPOY3LnfLhIocqVtEFLjhlrmi4qW4aXm1I0bqmAWVSf9ZtSG0vYiuXFqjZIx4Vdw/s320/Screen%20Capture%20079.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I mean, for a small fee, this blogger would <i>gladly</i> have provided him with one. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIUKbGqNyy_U7IDJ15F_L0su4AF9CeAlvAOQxvSTaXus_CjaWYwBYPV4XaqRsd8A5LAxkmb1z_uEIHCg5pON7iXZckDV5pfYrt7TuQJDkrfDhEZpyJcdtWax7tdFLPnTi9OElm8Nl698Zhm8Bzh4aj9GrbL04fFKnZZFmHHlpzMHK4ZthPjg/s491/mad2.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="491" data-original-width="475" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIUKbGqNyy_U7IDJ15F_L0su4AF9CeAlvAOQxvSTaXus_CjaWYwBYPV4XaqRsd8A5LAxkmb1z_uEIHCg5pON7iXZckDV5pfYrt7TuQJDkrfDhEZpyJcdtWax7tdFLPnTi9OElm8Nl698Zhm8Bzh4aj9GrbL04fFKnZZFmHHlpzMHK4ZthPjg/s320/mad2.jpg" /></a></div>Anyway, moving on to scenes from this blogger's previous live(s), part the second. Keith Telly Topping bought <i>this</i>, fine, Telos publication (direct <a href="https://telos.co.uk/shop/doctor-who/the-fanzine-book-hb/">from here</a>) purely on the strength of the publisher assuring this blogger that it was, in fact, 'quite good.' Keith Telly Topping is happy to inform you all, dear blog readers, that from the evidence of the first few pages, that there Mister Howe was <i>not</i> lying on this particular occasion. <br />
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This blogger, however, now knows <i>exactly</i> how the bass player of some anonymous third division mid-1980s indie band who once toured as support to The Clash feels when picking up a <i>The Sunday Times</i> best-seller Joe Strummer biography and finds a brief reference to themselves on page 202! 'Twenty-two-year-old Tyneside writer ...' Oh my <i>good God</i>! Yeah, once, long ago and <i>far awa</i>y. Keith Telly Topping always told his dear old mother that he'd end up in a book one day; to be fair, she probably expected it to be in the True Crime genre. Thanks Alistair, this blogger feels as though his life has been entirely validated! <br />
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As this blogger told the author, 'the <i>really</i> thought-provoking (for which, read <i>worrying</i>) thing about it is looking at all of those fanzine covers and thinking "I had <i>that</i> one. I had <i>that</i> one. I <i>wrote</i> for that one. I script-edited <i>that</i> one. I got a letter of complaint in the next issue, from a future MP, about something I'd written in <i>that</i> one (true story)!" <i>Et cetera</i>.' <br />
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All of which right bleeding stuff and nonsense, of course, brings us nicely to Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixty One: <i>The Two Faces Of Doctor Jekyll</i>. Paul Massie: 'A tigress?' Christopher Lee: 'Tigers needn't lick their lips over her unless they're very rich.' Paul Massie: 'Is she so exclusive?' Christopher Lee: 'Only princes, pashas, millionaires, or distinguished actor/managers need apply!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixty Two: <i>Children Of The Damned</i>. Ian Hendry: 'At this very moment, they could be making all those men out there turn their guns on one another!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixty Three: <i>The Curse Of The Werewolf</i>. Oliver Reed: 'Father, the bullet! Pepe the watchman has a silver bullet. Get it and use it! Use it on me, father! You <i>must</i> use it!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixty Four: <i>House Of Mystery</i>. Ronald Hines: 'I don't get it, the price is absurd. This place must be worth at least six thousand. There must be a big snag we don't know about.' Colette Wilde: 'It'd have to be one Hell of a big snag to put me off!' <br />
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This blogger's fiend Young Malcolm was, as is his frequent want, swift to point out that Vernon Sewell's <i>House Of Mystery</i> (1961) was, in fact, a remake of Sewell's <i>Ghost Ship</i> (1952). This blogger was then able to supply further links in the chain thanks to Kim Newman's excellent book <i>Nightmare Movies</i> (1985) which noted that Sewell's most infamous achievement was 'buying the rights to a <i>grand guignol</i> play called <i>The Medium</i> in the early 1930s' and then 'making a version of it every five years or so for the rest of his career!' Not quite <i>that</i> often, perhaps, more like once a decade as Sewell first filmed the play under its original title in 1934. He then remade it for the first time as <i>Latin Quarter</i> in 1945. <i>House Of Mystery</i> is, probably, the best of the four versions although this blogger doesn't believe he's ever actually seen <i>The Medium</i> so that could be a twenty four carat masterpiece with an undeservedly low reputation. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixty Five: <i>The Day Of The Triffids</i>. Keiron Moore: 'Keep behind me. There's no sense in getting killed by a plant!' <br />
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This blogger could, at this point, totally nick a couple of superb jokes told in relation to this particular image by two of his <i>Facebook</i> fiends, Steven and Chuck and claim them as his own. But, he wouldn't do that sort of thing. And, if you believe <i>that</i>, dear blog reader, then you'll believe <i>anything</i>. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixty Six: <i>The Revenge Of Frankenstein</i>. Francis Matthews: 'A masterly dissection, Doctor Stein. You must forgive this intrusion.' Peter Cushing: '<i>Must</i> I?' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixty Seven: <i>The Hellfire Club</i>. Desmond Walter Ellis: 'Feast your eyes, for we are about to make our dedication to The God Of Evil!' <br />
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Britain's biggest public service broadcasters are developing a new free TV service that will deliver live TV over broadband. The new service, called Freely, is set for launch in 2024 and it will be built into the next generation of smart TVs and feature a line-up of public service broadcaster content and other free-to-air channels. Freely is, <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/entertainment/freely-streaming-service-bbc-itv-newsupdate/">reportedly</a>, being developed by Everyone TV, the organisation which runs free TV in the UK and is jointly owned by the BBC, ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5. Mind you, this is according to the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults) so it's just about possible all of this could be a right load of old <i>toot</i>. Time will tell. It usually does. Everyone TV, formerly known as Digital UK, is responsible for the day-to-day running of the UK's free-to-view TV platforms - Freeview and Freest - as well as leading free TV's evolution for a streaming age. The new TV service will replicate the terrestrial TV experience, building on the heritage and popularity of the Freeview TV platform, which is currently used in sixteen million homes. Including (though not exclusively) The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Viewers will, it is claimed, be able to browse channels through a modern programme guide and use innovative functionality designed to make it easier to find and explore new shows directly from live TV. So, just like Freeview only with butons, then? Jonathan Thompson, Everyone TV chief executive, said: 'We are delighted to be working with the public service broadcasters on the next phase of free TV's evolution. This new development is a reflection of the fact that a growing number of UK viewers are watching content online, but still want easy access to the shared experience of live TV. Our aim is to ensure that all viewers have access to a free, aggregated live TV experience that champions British content and is delivered in a way that suits audience needs and preferences. Every one of us should be able to share in the best of British ideas and creativity on TV.' Tim Davie, the disgraceful, criminally spineless Director General of the BBC, said: 'Ensuring the universality of public-service television is sustained into the future is of paramount importance to the UK and all its public service broadcasters. We are delighted to be deepening our collaboration in helping viewers access our content, ensuring that, in a digital age, we deliver value for all audiences and that no one is left behind.' Before adding, 'can you bend over a bit more, Mister Prime Minister, I want to get my tongue in further from a right good <i>lick</i>.' Allegedly. <br />
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Each morning, dear blog reader, this blogger fills in a certain popular and well-known Audience Appreciation Index questionnaire giving his (hopefully valued) thought on the television and radio programmes he consumes on a daily basis. And, whether they were 'thought-provoking', encourages this blogger to 'do something new' or made this blogger feel 'part of this event'. The answers to which are <i>always</i> no. After which, there are usually a couple of supplemental questions regarding stuff which is in the news; for example, when the late <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2021/04/thy-sweet-love-remembered-such-wealth.html">Prince Phillip died</a> in 2021 there were questions about whether believed that thought there had been too much/too little or just about the right amount of coverage of that topic, <i>et cetera</i> (this blogger felt the got it just about right). Earlier this wek, one morning's supplemental began with 'are you aware of the comedian Russell Brand?' What this blogger <i>wanted</i> to answer was 'I <i>am</i> aware of Russell Brand, although whether you could describe him as "a comedian" <i>per se</i> is another matter entirely' but, this blogger merely clicked yes. The next question was, seemingly, supposed to be 'are you aware of the accusations which have been made about Russell Brand's alleged sexual behaviour?' or something similar. But, for some reason, they missed the last word off. So, instead, it asked 'are you aware of the accusations which have been made about Russell Brand's alleged sexual?' This blogger indicated that he <i>was</i> aware of 'Russell Brand's alleged sexual'. The following question was about whether there had been too much or too little coverage on TV and radio concerning that particular issue. This blogger indicated that he had no strong feelings either way concerning the amount of coverage given to concerning 'Russell Brand's alleged sexual'. Then there was a box asking for any further comments. 'You asked if I was aware of "the accusations which have been made about Russell Brand's alleged sexual"' this blogger began. 'I <i>am</i>, as previously indicated, aware of 'Russell Brand's alleged sexual'. However, I have no intention of going anywhere <i>near</i> 'Russell Brand's alleged sexual' with a bargepole if it's all the same to you.' This blogger then pondered on how many similar answers they got to their question.<br />
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The following conceit, dear blog reader, was totally nicked by this blogger from someone else (who shall remain nameless - hi, Jean!) Because unoriginality is this blogger's middle name (well, actually, it's Andrew but ...) Anyway, dearest blog fiends, please be advised that Keith Telly Topping hereby and forthwith gives his full and complete permission to Northumbria police, MI5, MI6, MI12 (look, we all <i>know</i> you exist, stop denying it, you're impressing no one), GCHQ, the DWP, DEFRA, the Ministry of Justice, the SAS, the NIS, the NHS, the IRS, the NSA, the FBI, the CIA, NASA, the UDA, the IRA, the MPLA, the UK (or just a-nother country), the Harper Valley PTA, CI5, CSI (<i>all</i> versions), NCIS, UB40, the BBC, BB King & Doris Day, Matt Busby, the Catholic church, the Swiss Guard, the Priory of Scion, The Wu-Tang Clan, Agents Mulder and Scully (<i>especially</i> Scully), Jack Regan & George Carter, The Goodies (except for Bill cos he's a grotty little Communist), Darth Vader and the forces of The Empire, S.H.I.E.L.D, The Avengers (Steed and Mrs Peel <i>and</i> the other lot), The Illuminati, The Men in Black, the Ghostbusters, The Justice League of America, Buffy Summers, Captain Mal Reynolds, Gandalf, Roy Wood and all the <i>other</i> Wizzards, Santa Claus, Jesus, The Easter Bunny, Peter Pumpkinhead, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, The Purple Gang, The Tooth Fairy, The Rand Corporation, The Saucer People, The Reverse Vampires, the crew of Fireball XL5, John, Paul, George & Ringo, The Doctor, Captain Kirk, James Bond, Steve Austin, Scooby Doo, Hercules Poirot, Jay & Silent Bob, Sonny & Cher, Peter & Gordon, Morecombe & Wise, Kermode & Mayo, Peters & Lee, Batman & Robin, The Jackson Five, the Balowski family, Viv Stanshall, Legs Larry Smith, Sam Spoons, Mary, Mungo & Midge, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble & Grub, Hartlepool United's back four during the 1986-87 season, everyone writing for the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>, the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> and the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults), whomsoever was on The Grassy Knoll, the Home Office, the Away Office, the Neutral Venue Office and anyone else who knows me to view and share all of the jolly amazing and potentially world-changing things that Keith Telly Topping posts onto <i>Facebook</i>. This blogger is fully aware that his right to privacy ended on the day he created a <i>Facebook</i> profile (chiefly, to advertise the existence of this very blog). He also knows that whatever he posts there (or here) can (and usually <i>will be</i>) shared, tagged, copied and posted elsewhere because, like, Keith Telly Topping is so utterly windswept and interesting. If this blogger does not want anyone else to have it, then he doesn't post it. Except for <i>this</i>, obviously.<br />
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Right, dear blog reader, this has now gone on far too seriously long enough. By half. ' ... seven tickets to see the Brazilian Mime Theatre at the Riverside Studios; a little cairn terrier called Bobbie; one of them little black rubber things you know them little black rubber things that go "neep-neep, neep-neep" ...' <br />
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In 1972 dear blog reader, shockingly, the whole concept of upskirting was <i>not</i> a crime. Hence, you could get away with <i>this</i> sort of appalling malarkey with the divine Goddess that was (and, indeed, <i>still is</i>) Caroline Munro. If you were a boy-scout, that is. <br />
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Polish yer boots, Ms Munro? It's for charity. Honest. <br />
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After much, careful, consideration, dear blog reader this blogger has come (yet again) to the inevitable conclusion that The Specials AKA were, quite simply, the greatest live band in the world. Ever. Bar <i>none</i>. And, as <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/guardian-angels-forgive-their-lies.html">previously noted</a>, this blogger was lucky enough to see them three times. A magnificent, on-the-nail soul influenced drummer, a rockabilly guitarist, a genius on keyboards and the best front-line trio imaginable. However (and, the observation is not this bloggers, I think it was Mark Ellen was said it originally), pay particular attention <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2MpbvO2Ch4">in this memorable clip from <b>Rock Goes To College</b> (1980)</a> to the legend at is Sir Horace Gentleman (third from the left, wearing the yellow stripy shirt). Who managed to spend entire gigs playing these madly complex and intricate ska basslines whilst, simultaneously, never having more than one foot on the ground at any one time! <i>That's</i> entertainment, dear blog reader. (As is the moment when the late and much-missed Terry Hall threatens to bray someone in the audience with his tambourine for some, now long-forgotten infraction!) And, as usual, it all ended in pure chaos. God, they were brilliant. <br />
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During Keith Telly Topping's recent <i>You Tube</i> searching, he came across a video which lasted nine minutes plus. Why, he wondered? After all, how long does to take to say the word 'yes' and move on to the next question? <br />
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It should be noted, dear blog reader, that there <i>are</i> some things in life more important than desire.<br />
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The billing on one particular 1988 episode of <b>Aspel & Co</b> was, clearly, a sodding <i>disgrace</i>. A twenty-four carat British legend and icon merely being <i>one place higher</i> on the guest-list than a couple of non-entities who used to be in some pop band or other in the 1960s. One trusts the caption writer got the old tin-tack first thing in the morning. <br />
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It's like Themlmamania never happened. <br />
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This blogger - along with all other rabid Thelmamaniacs - is eagerly awaiting the official announcement of what the next released in the reissue programme of The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) will be. Yes, we know it's almost certainly going to be newly remixed (or, <i>de</i>mixed) and expanded editions of <i>1962-66</i> and <i>1967-70</i> but Apple haven't got their shit together to actually inform us of that, as yet. In the mean time, however, another popular beat comb of the 1960s, The Whom, have re-issued <i>this</i> little ten-disc beauty. This blogger is, frankly, a bit pissed off at having to buy The Young Vic gig <i>again</i> but it is nice to have the full San Francisco 1971 show in <i>superb</i> quality having previously only had an edited, average soundboard recording of it for years. <br />
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Watching the Singapore Grand Prix on Sky Sports last weekend dear blog reader, Bernie Collins was hear asking 'the real question for Red Bull is "where do we go from here?"' Did anyone else happen to reply '<i>is it down to the lake, I fear</i>?' Just this blogger then? <br />
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It's probably worth noting at this juncture, dear blog reader, that the first time Keith Telly Topping ever indulged in his brief foray with stand-up comedy, back in the late 1990s, he started his set with 'I used to be a bit of a tearaway as a youngster. I had a significant police record. <i>Regatta de Blanc</i>, the last decent one they made.' It was all downhill from there (on so very many levels). <br />
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Even skinheads like a bit of quality menswear, it would seem. <i>English</i> made, obviously. None of that foreign muck for these guys ...<br />
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This blogger most excellent fiend Nick soon pointed out that 20-22 Corporation Road, Notlob was, until recently, the sales office for JLG Wheelchairs (although it now appears to have been vacated and is, currently, for let). There is probably an essay in there somewhere about changing diversity in social values over the decades. Or something. And, this blogger is well aware that it's jolly difficult to judge <i>anything</i> from the evidence of one small photograph. Nevertheless, my God, it's looks a truly <i>desperate</i> place sandwiched in between a pawnbrokers and a nail beauticians. It is, in fact, <i>staggering</i> reminiscent of Byker at its grottiest. <br />
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It was interesting to see that Daniel Bachmann let in three playing in goal for Watford against this blogger's fiend Mick The Mod's beloved Dirty Leeds on Saturday. This blogger is presuming that Turner was on the bench and Overdrive was suspended. <br />
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This blogger must say, the following headline from the <i>BBC News</i> website is, he feels, a little harsh. Keith Telly Topping is well aware that the chap's not very popular, but still ... (This blogger's sincere thank you to Frank Skinner for that joke from 1996.)<br />
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'So, Sir Wilfred Death, yerr tyranny is naw at and eyend. Prapare t'be strung by yer coderlings from the bows of thaaaat tree!'<br />
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This blogger's beloved (and now, thankfully, <i>sold</i>) Magpies matched their record Premier League win with a scintillating display as they embarrassed and shame winless, witless and knackerless Sheffield United at Bramall Lane. Any fears of a European hangover following Newcastle's Champions League exertions on Tuesday in Milan soon vanished as Eddie Howe's men cruised to victory with eight different players getting on the scoresheet in an <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBF3dXjYY38">eight (that's <i>EIGHT</i>) nil thrashing</a> of some Blades that just weren't sharp enough. Sean Longstaff put the visitors in front on twenty one minutes as he swept in from Anthony Gordon's cutback with bottom-of-the-table Blades' appeals for a handball and claims the ball went out of play in the build-up, rightly, dismissed. Because it wasn't and it didn't, basically. Paul Heckingbottom's hapless hosts had started relatively brightly but then found themselves three goals down before half-time after further two strikes in four minutes for Newcastle. Both came from immaculate Kieran Trippier set-pieces with Dan Burn stooping to head in a corner at the back-post despite almost having his shirt ripped from his back before Sven Botman scored his first Newcastle goal with a well-directed glancing header from Tripper's free-kick following a disgraceful tackle on Longstaff by Robinson who, astonishingly, didn't get a straight red card for what was, effectively, assault. In fact the only things that spoiled an otherwise perfect forty five minutes (plus six minutes added time) for United was Callum Wilson missing a trio of chances (two quite difficult admittedly but one, a relative sitter) and a mystifyingly dubious VAR call depriving Anthony Gordon of a penalty award when he, clearly, had his ankle kicked by a defender. Wilson may have missed three presentable opportunities before the break but got his goal ten minutes into the second-half, heading home in front of a jubilant away end as Trippier completed his own personal treble of assists with another pinpoint cross to mark a half-century of league outings for the club. Five minutes later Elliot Anderson (who had a fine game) passed to Gordon (easily the man of the match) and the winger unleashed an unstoppable effort which curled into the goal - prompting another wave of disconsolate Blades fans to rise from their seats and go home. It was six after sixty eight minutes as Bruno Guimarães played in Miggy Almirón and the Paraguayan finished expertly, having earlier seen another close-range finish correctly ruled out for offside. Eddie Howe then had the luxury of making a trio of replacements; Sandro Tonali, Alexander Isak and Tino Livramento joining the action, replacing Almirón, Wilson and Trippier respectively. Later, recent signing Lewis Hall made his United debut with fifteen minutes remaining. United had already beaten their record Premier League away goal tally but Bruno collected a sliced Longstaff shot to slot the ball in for a seventh. His celebrations included a message to the travelling supporters after recent speculation about his future at the club: '<i>I'm fuckin' stayin' here</i>!' Isak then produced the coolest of finishes, somewhat reminiscent of Peter Beardsley's memorable goal at Portsmouth all those years ago, leaving defenders sprawling on their arse as he tucked the ball past the shell-shocked custodian Wes Foderingham three minutes from the end. Thus, rounding off what was the nearest thing to a cricket score seen since Yorkshire took their leave of Bramall Lane in 1973. <br />
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Unlikely as it seems given the scoreline, Newcastle started relatively slowly and it was the home side which looked the more threatening in the opening exchanges. That all changed the moment the first goal went in and Gordon was key to it, twisting smartly on the byeline before finding Longstaff to finish. Gordon was only on the pitch because of a nasty toe injury to Harvey Barnes but the winger's introduction changed the game. While the match became something of a procession in the second-half, it was the pace and trickery of Gordon down the left that helped Newcastle get into such a position. 'They can't handle Gordon. He is causing them all sorts of problems,' Clinton Morrison told Radio 5Live listeners at half-time. 'They just can't deal with him.' At least, this blogger <i>thinks</i> that's what he said. Smart bloke, Clinton, a snappy dresser and he's always <i>highly</i> entertaining on Sky Sports' <b>Soccer Saturday</b> but this blogger wishes he'd speak <i>proper English</i> occasionally! After a somewhat underwhelming start to their league campaign - losing three of their first five games, albeit against three teams whom a lot of sides are going to lose to this season, Sheikh Yer Man City, the Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and Brighton & Hove Albinos - this was a statement win for United which will keep spirits high at St James' Park and add to the belief that they can make their mark domestically, as well as in Europe, this season. For Sheffield, several choruses of 'Are you Sunderland in disguise?' and 'Premier League? You're havin' a laugh' from the visitors suggest they may be in for a long, hard nine months. <br />
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Though, at least one Blade was thoughtful enough to bring a good book along with her in case of emergencies. <br />
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The winners of <i>From The North</i>'s Headline Of The Week award goes to <i>Leicestershire Live</i>'s <a href="https://www.leicestermercury.co.uk/news/local-news/what-cock-stick-8774483"><i>What Is A Cock On A Stick?</i></a> It's a question we've all, no doubt, pondered at one time or another, dear blog reader. Keith Telly Topping knows he certainly had. <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader, a Wiltshire builder who is defying an enforcement notice has now resorted to poking fun at the local councillor who objected to his shop conversion <a href="https://www.wiltshiretimes.co.uk/news/23804695.builder-row-council-installs-special-gargoyle/">according to</a> the <i>Wilthsire Times</i>. Michael Thomas, has installed a stone gargoyle at one end of the roof at 12 Newtown taking the mickey out of Trowbridge Town Council leader Stewart Palmen. That'll show him. Possibly. <br />
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Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-1758346451940954402023-09-15T13:31:00.001+01:002023-09-15T15:47:37.475+01:00The Square On The Globe<div style="text-align: justify;">
As <b>Doctor Who</b> moves towards its sixtieth anniversary trio of episodes, the usual, annual <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2019/08/for-gods-sake-let-us-sit-upon-ground.html">crap fandom rumours</a> have been doing the rounds (notably on a particular <i>Facebook</i> <b>Doctor Who</b> fan page); these claimed that an 'official' BBC statement had been released which suggested that <b>Doctor Who</b> was ('officially') dumping the 'Timeless Child' storyline into the bin and, effectively, retconning the entire Jodie Whittaker/Chris Chinball era out of existence. Or, as they put it, '<i>SCRAPPED</i>'. 'In a new statement, the BBC declared: "For some, the story starts with the Timeless Child, discovered all alone beneath a wormhole to a faraway place. Others talk of an old man with white hair who stole a miraculous ship that could travel through time and space, then headed off to see what was out there."' It was quickly pointed out that, quite apart from the fact this doesn't suggest that the Timeless Child conceit has been 'scrapped' or anything even remotely like it, this 'official BBC statement' was, in fact, nothing of the sort. Rather, as David Howe (someone who <i>does</i>, actually, know what he's talking about with regard to <b>Doctor Who</b>) pointed out, '[these] words are taken from the new <b>Doctor Who</b> annual so, presumably, [were] written by Paul Lang.' So, dear blog reader, how does Russell Davies feel about stories that he is, effectively, 'cancelling' (another very current Interweb buzz-word) Jodie Whittaker. It's fair to say that Big Rusty isn't taking such rumours very seriously. Writing in his regular column for the <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Magazine</i>'s October issue (the one with Bonnie Langford on the cover), Rusty cheekily touched upon the issue whilst talking about footage from the new series of the show, which will star Ncuti Gatwa as The Doctor (you knew <i>that</i>, right?) 'Oh my God, the TARDIS, the Jodie exterior, she has <i>not</i> been erased,' he said. 'And yet, by <i>not</i> erasing her, are we erasing the argument that she's <i>been</i> erased and therefore this is an act of erasure, <i>is it</i>?' Of course, that didn't stop either <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-jodie-whittaker-erasure-newsupdate/"><i>Radio Times</i></a> (which used to be run by <i>adults</i>) or <a href="https://gizmodo.com/doctor-who-russell-t-davies-jodie-whittaker-erasure-1850838258">the <i>Gizmodo</i> website</a> (no, me neither) reporting this shit like it was actual 'news'. November, frankly, can't come quick enough so that we have three new episodes to talk about and not a bunch of speculative <i>nothing</i> based on Big Rusty being wry and amusing when writing his Production Notes. <br />
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<a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-matt-smith-jenna-coleman-11th-doctor-reunion/"><i>Screen Rant</i></a> - another media outlet which could, frequently, do with a damned good hiding over the half-stories which they spread from speculation and misunderstood one-liners and/or jokes - reports (for once, entirely accurately) that Matt Smith and his former co-star Jenna Coleman reunited ten years after their 'team-up' on the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama. In images <a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-matt-smith-jenna-coleman-11th-doctor-reunion/">posted</a> by the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> (if not anyone slightly more reliable), the pair were seen posing for a picture together at the BGC partners' annual charity day. And, very sweet they look, too (admittedly, it would've looked even sweeter if that bloke glued to his mobile phone hadn't got his big head in the way of the person taking the shot).<br />
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<i>Screen Rant</i>, helpfully - and, seemingly, working on the assumption that those people reading their article watch <b>Doctor Who</b> and precisely <i>nothing else</i> either on TV or at the cinema, then give a two-paragraph update on exactly what Smudger and Jenna have been doing their their lives and careers post-<b>Doctor Who</b>. <br />
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Dear blog readers with, let's be honest, not <i>that</i> long a memory may recall that back in November 2022 this blog, along with large chunks of the UK media, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">reported</a> the legend that is Miriam Margolyes would be part of the <b>Doctor Who</b> sixtieth anniversary celebrations. Chief amongst these reports, was <a href="https://www.thesun.ie/tv/9731757/doctor-who-actress-sci-fi-special/">a piece</a> in the <i>Sun</i> (if not somewhere more reliable). Well, dear blog reader, earlier this week, the BBC press office finally got around to confirming this news, in a <a href="https://www.doctorwho.tv/news-and-features/miriam-margolyes-joins-doctor-who">press release</a> which stated that Miriam will be voicing the character of The Meep in the anniversary episodes (or, at least, in one of them). Of course, inevitably, despite this 'news' being over ten months old, just about every national newspaper and media outlet in the country dropped their shit at the chance to do <i>another</i> <b>Doctor Who</b>-related story and went for it. Take, for instance, the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/sep/14/miriam-margolyes-to-star-as-the-meep-in-doctor-who-60th-anniversary-series"><i>Gruniad Morning Star</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/miriam-margolyes-doctor-who-b2411610.html"><i>Independent</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-miriam-margolyes-beep-the-meep-newsupdate/"><i>Radio Times</i></a> (which used to be run by adults), <a href="https://www.empireonline.com/tv/news/miriam-margolyes-joins-doctor-who/"><i>Empire</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a45139985/doctor-who-cast-miriam-margolyes/"><i>Digital Spy</i></a> website, the <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12519001/BBC-confirms-Miriam-Margolyes-Doctor-Who.html"><i>Daily Scum Mail</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/23790937.miriam-margolyes-play-iconic-character-doctor/"><i>Northern Echo</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.standard.co.uk/culture/tvfilm/miriam-margolyes-doctor-who-60th-anniversary-specials-b1107128.html"><i>Evening Standard</i></a>, the <a href="https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1812935/Miriam-Margolyes-Doctor-Who-death"><i>Daily Scum Express</i></a> and, of course, the good old <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/23957986/miriam-margolyes-joins-doctor-who/"><i>Current Bun</i></a> their very selves, the people who started off this story ten months ago. It's called 'space filling,' dear blog reader and, if you look it up on Google, the number one link will be to the <i>Sun</i>. They're past masters at it.<br />
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There's a very good interview with Bonnie Langford - <i>Highway To Mel</i> (you can tell they've been wanting to use that title for <i>years</i>! - in the latest issue of the <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Monthly</i> (the one with her on the cover). Which <i>Radio Times</i> (it used to be run by adults) has taken a few selected quotes from an built a, not very good, article around. You can read it, if you have a higher tolerence for trivia, <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-bonnie-langford-mel-return-newsupdate/">here</a>. <br />
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Or alternatively, you could, actually, <a href="https://doctorwhomagazine.com/doctor-who-magazine/doctor-who-magazine-595/"><i>buy the magazine</i></a> (issue five hundred and nine five) available from all good newsagents (and, some bad ones) for just seven of your English pounds and ninety nine of your English pence. <br />
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And now, the weather. The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, dear blog reader. A visual representation from earlier this week.<br />
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That is, without question, positively the <i>last time</i> that this blogger ventures out into The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House gardens with his new weed trimmer whilst Captain Marvel is in the vicinity. Risky business. <br />
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It's jolly nice to see, dear blog reader, that <i>Facebook</i> appears know to Keith Telly Topping and his choice of fiends better than he knows his very self. And to have amended his page accordingly. Because, like the song said, you've <i>got</i> to have fiends. <br />
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So, dear blog reader, you've got your Afghan coat and your Moroccan hat and your purple suede zipper jacket and your Fair Isle jumper (see <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/fudgel-today-shivviness-tomorrow.html">previous</a> <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationism update). What <i>else</i> are you going to need for a night out at The Disco? Strides, obviously. Make this blogger's maroon, if you please. <br />
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And, you're probably doing to want a skinny tie to go with all that flash clobber (if it's not skinny enough don't worry, they can narrow it for you).<br />
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It took until the third series of <b>The Professionals</b> (circa 1979) before - perhaps inspired by the success of Eddie Shoestring's early Mod-revival look over on the BBC - William Bodie and Ray Doyle started wearing thin ties, jackets with narrow lapels and reasonably straight-legged trousers (which are so much easier to run in when you're chasing international terrorists around London than a massive pair of Dan Dares). This blogger mentions that because <i>Stake Out</i> - as <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2015/02/the-men-dont-know-but-little-girls.html">previously discussed on this blog</a>, one of the three worst episodes of <b>The Professionals</b> - was shown during ITV4's latest repeat run of the rather hysterically overblown Brian Clemens crime drama series earlier this week. However, at least, unlike <i>When The Heat Cools Off</i> and <i>Look After Annie</i> - both <i>also</i> shown this week - <i>Stake Out</i> almost makes it into the 'so bad it's brilliant' column. Almost, but not quite. Barry Jackson and David Collings are the foot soldiers in South African right-wing nut-job Jack Lynn's vastly over-complicated scheme to set off an atomic bomb at a London bowling alley (the very one that Bodie and Doyle happen to be staking out on a completely unrelated case). Pamela Stephenson plays the world's best dressed junkie waiting, if you will, for her man (and, is described on the end credits not as 'Junkie Woman' but rather as 'Attractive Blonde' in a wholly unpatronisingly non-sexist way. Oh no, <i>very</i> hot water). Best (actually, <i>worst</i>) of all Tony Osoba plays a character who may be part of the villainous shenanigans (but, actually, isn't and is a complete red-herring plot wise) and is referred to on the end credits as 'Handsome Negro'. Just a reminder, this was 1978, not <i>1938</i>. God, it's bad. But, you know, quite funny <i>because</i> it's bad. The episode also includes one of <i>the</i> great ludicrous lines of dialogue in TV history. George Cowley bellowing into the phone: 'We'll need a chopper and the Nuclear Bomb Squad!' Hang on a minute, there's a <i>Nuclear</i> Bomb Squad separate from the normal, run-of-the-mill, Bomb Squad. They must be the least gainfully employed coppers in Britain. <br />
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As this blogger <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2015/02/the-men-dont-know-but-little-girls.html">alluded to</a> in that 2015 <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update, when Keith Telly Topping interviewed Martin Shaw a few years prior to that - when he was filming <b>George Gently</b> in Durham - this blogger had been warned in advance by Martin's agent not to even <i>mention</i> <b>The Professionals</b>. 'It's not a job Martin looks back on fondly!' However, after twenty minutes or so when this blogger got to the last question he thought he'd risk it and said 'can I ask one, quick, question about <b>The Professionals</b>?' Martin sort of chuckled, rolled his eyes a bit and then said 'oh, <i>go on then</i>!' This blogger mentioned that he had recently been watching the latest run of repeats. This blogger noted that they had not aged at all well but that in just about every episode there would be <i>something</i>; a nicely-directed action sequence for example. Or a bit of amusing dialogue. Or, even just a scene of Martin and Lewis sitting in their Capri being all philosophical and arch about the job and its ramifications. <i>Something</i> just to remind the viewer that the people making the show weren't complete idiots (this blogger, he hastens to add, <i>did</i> phrase it a bit better than <i>that</i>). Martin actually got quite reminiscent; he said that he'd found most of the scripts to be a bit one-dimensional in terms of characterisation (that's <i>not</i> the actual word he used!) but that he'd enjoyed the one-to-one scenes with Lewis. Then he got <i>very</i> enthusiastic about some of the directors (Douggie Camfield in particular). He 'was brilliant,' Martin said. 'He knew how to film action better than just about anyone I've ever worked with.' So, this blogger got a couple of minutes out of Martin Shaw on <b>The Professionals</b> which was more than most other people have ever managed. <br />
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Shamefully, when alluding to the three worst episodes of <b>The Professionals</b> to fiends, this blogger completely forgot about <i>Long Shot</i>, another one shown this week on ITV4. In which a badly-dubbed Roger Lloyd Pack plays, essentially, Carlos The Jackal. Because, if you need a swarthy-looking assassin of no fixed accent to rub out British TV's only Arab Sheikh (Nadim, mate, they don't call it typecasting for <i>nothing</i>) then Trigger has simply <i>got</i> to be the man with his finger on the ... you get the general idea. Plus, Ed Bishop in one his finer 'just give me the money' performances as, obviously, British TV's stock loud-mouthed US politician.<br />
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On a side note, we may (rather patronisingly) pity Nadim Sawalha for always getting cast as British telly's stock Arabic character but, we <i>really</i> shouldn't; the chaps was, after all, in regular paid employment during those hugely important years when Nadia and Julia were growing up and needed pocket money. <i>And</i>, he was <i>great</i> in the vast majority of the (often rather substandard) dramas and comedies that he was in. Especially that episode of <b>The Sweeney</b> (<i>Visiting Fireman</i>). Albeit, playing a Turk on that particular occasion.<br />
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Finally, in relation to that 2015 blog post which we've mentioned twice already - <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2015/02/the-men-dont-know-but-little-girls.html">this one</a> - re-reading the final item of it reminded this blogger of an incident which he had completely forgotten about; the night that he opened his bedroom curtains having heard a noise from outside to be confronted by the remarkable sight of a chap with his strides down around his ankles, strumming his banjo during the hours of darkness up against the wall outside the manicured lawns of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Quite how this happenstance had slipped from this blogger's memory is unclear (early on-set dementia, possibly) since, to be honest, in and of itself it is the sort of thing that one should <i>never</i> forget. It was the look on the chaps face - a mixture of self-loathing, arousal and hoping that he was, shall we say, 'bashing the right chord' that made it art. Ahem. Next ...<br />
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All of which jiggery pokery and banjo strumming nonsense, bring us to Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Forty Eight: <i>The Hand Of Night</i>. Diane Clare: 'Did you kill them?' William Sylvester: 'That's a pretty brutal question to ask, don't you think?' Diane Clare: 'Life's a brutal business. Belsen, Hiroshima. They say the good's getting better, but that could mean the bad is getting worse, too.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Forty Nine: <i>The Skull</i>. Patrick Magee: 'His throat was torn exactly like the Marco case.' Nigel Green: 'What's the connection?' Patrick Magee: 'What connection could there be? Witchcraft?' Nigel Green: 'Hardly. Not in this day and age.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifty: <i>The Hound Of The Baskervilles</i>. Peter Cushing: 'The dagger is gone! Don't you realise what that means? Sir Henry is to die. Tonight!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifty One: <i>The Tomb Of Ligeia</i>. Vincent Price: 'The eyes, they confound me! There is a blankness, a mindless sort of malice in some Egyptian eyes. They do not readily yield up the mystery they hold.'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifty Two: <i>Fiend Without A Face</i>. Kim Parker: 'Laboratory? I didn't know you <i>had</i> a laboratory?" Kynaston Reeves: 'There are <i>many</i> things about me that you do not know, my dear. Or you would have never come to work for me!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifty Three: <i>The Projected Man</i>. Tracey Crisp: 'I'm sure I'll never get it right, professor.' Bryant Halliday: 'Don't be frightened Sheila. When I raise my hand, press this. When all these lights are on, press this. The sound will then die down and rebuild. I've programmed the entire second stage. All you have to remember is when all these lights are burning, press this. When this is all over you can tell your boyfriend you helped in an experiment that made scientific history!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifty Four: <i>The Face of Fu Manchu</i>. James Robertson Justice: 'Oh, by the way, what was the name of that Chinese man you were talking about?' Nigel Green: 'Fu Manchu!' James Robertson Justice: 'Never heard of him!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifty Five: <i>The Haunted Strangler</i>. Anthony Dawson: 'I don't know why you social reformers always want to play detective to prove your theories.' Boris Karloff: 'Because you detectives always leave such gaps on your investigations.'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifty Six: <i>The Earth Dies Screaming</i>. Virginia Field: 'Do you know what's happened?' William Packer: 'No I don't. I took a plane up this morning for a shakedown flight and when I went up everything was normal. When I came down, everyone was dead. I drove all day. You're the first folks I've seen alive.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifty Seven: <i>Island Of Terror</i>. Peter Cushing: 'What the devil did Napoleon <i>do</i> on that island of his to keep himself busy?' Edward Judd: 'He invented solitaire?' Carole Gray: 'I've a much better game in mind.' Peter Cushing: 'Can <i>three</i> play?'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifty Eight: <i>Taste The Blood Of Dracula</i>. Michael Ripper: 'Son hates his father, he's hot-blooded, they quarrel and the son loses his temper. Anyway we've got him all locked up now, safe and sound.' Anthony Higgins: 'But Jeremy did not hate his father. He was the most even-tempered ...' Michael Ripper: 'If you came here to obstruct justice ...' Anthony Higgins: 'I came here because <i>you</i> sent for me!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifty Nine: <i>Circus Of Horrors</i>. Anton Diffring: 'Quick, get her to a doctor. And send the clowns in!'<br />
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There's a song in there, somewhere. Probably. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixty: <i>Quatermass 2</i>. Brian Donlevy: 'They tell me you have no police here?' Charles Lloyd Pack: 'Police? We don't need them - we are a law-abiding community, aren't we?' <br />
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This blogger made some pasta to go with the leftovers of the beef tikka masala that he <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/fudgel-today-shivviness-tomorrow.html">mentioned in the last</a> <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update a couple of weeks ago. Which made for a unique taste combination even for the world-famous gourmet kitchens of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Sadly, it also ended in complete and utter bloody disaster as this blogger - like the total <i>raas clot</i> he can be at times - left the masala sauce, accidentally, on a cooker ring which he thought he'd turned off but, you know, <i>hasn't</i>, whilst he went into the front room and scoffed his grub. Early on-set dementia again, dear blog reader, it's the only answer. All of this, of course, only went and utterly <i>ruined</i> the best stainless steel pan in the entire gaff. We've had some good time, that pan and this blogger. But now, it's gone to that great scouring pad and dishwasher in the sky. Rest in pieces, faithful and trusty pan. You made <i>great</i> curries, boiled good rice, heated up soup a treat <i>and</i> you catered to this blogger's occasional craving for some Heinz spaghetti on toast. You <i>will</i> be missed. <br />
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Luckily for this very blogger, all of this malarkey occurred during the very fortnight that Wilko's was <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-66394238">going into administration</a>. So, this week, Keith Telly Topping went into the Shields Road shop and bought himself a more-than-decent replacement (and a tasty little frying pan to go with it for whenever he fancies whipping up a mushroom omelette). Top (if exhausting) work, even if this blogger does say so his very self. <br />
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There really is nothing on Earth, dear blog reader, quite like a 'twenty per cent off <i>everything</i> <a href="https://news.sky.com/story/full-list-of-wilko-stores-set-to-become-poundland-12960328">cos we've gone bust</a>' sale at Wilko's to bring out the very worst in people's manners. Watching two large middle-aged women quite literally about to come to blows over which of them was getting the last Glade Plug-In air-freshener was, trust this blogger, quite a sight. Even for Byker. <br />
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This blogger always enjoys having a quick shufty around his local Morrisons' clothing department on the off-chance of picking up a bargain. This week was just such an instance, with this blogger finding a pair of normally-eight-quid-but-now-retailing-at-but-<i>two</i>-smackers boxer shorts. This was the second occasion that this blogger had happened on just such a bargain and the reason for the reduction in price, in both cases, was exactly the same. They were underwear of a <i>Christmas</i> design (one with a sort of Christmas Trees motif, this latest one featuring reindeer in party hats). Keith Telly Topping bought them working on the assumption that he doesn't particularly care what they look like <i>per se</i> (so long as they're not covered in shit, obviously) since <i>he</i> will be the only one to actually see them when he puts them on as, the rest of they time, they will be covered by this blogger's trousers. Unless, in a one-in-a-million chance, this blogger happens to have a consenting partner of his choice in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House whilst he is in a state of some undress. And, even <i>then</i>, this blogger has a response worked out in case surprise <i>is</i> expressed at him wearing what appear to be Santa's keks. To wit: '<i>Every day's</i> Christmas in <i>this</i> bedroom, baby!' It could work. <br />
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Also, a quick note that Q Branch now appear to be moving into the retail sector just as Wilko are moving out of it. 'Have 'em in the shops by Christmas, Q.'<br />
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In other news, as usual after coming out of the pool and standing under the hairdryer for five minutes, this blogger's <i>riah</i> resembles Barry Gibb at his most blow-waved. Tragedy.<br />
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We, therefore, come to the part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the universe pst-Big Bang, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into the New Year <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">feeling rotten</a>; experienced five day <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more of them</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; continued to suffer from <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured a second <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took <i>ages</i> to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where nothing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">remotely health-related occurred</a>; received further <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; was subject to more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; received yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">blood tests</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a>; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sick note</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some surprising but welcome <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of general <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into 2023</a>. There was that whole '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the painful night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; getting some new <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">spectacles</a>; returning to the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">East End pool</a>. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling genuinely <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">wretched</a>. Experiencing a nasty bout of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">gastroenteritis</a>. Had a visit from an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>. Did the 'accidentally going out in my <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">slippers</a>' malarkey. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">return</a> of the dreaded insomnia and the dreaded return of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/they-dont-know-what-is-what.html">the fatigue</a>. The latest <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/if-its-not-love-then-its-bomb-that-will.html">tri-monthly prickage</a>; plus, yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/death-so-called-is-thing-which-makes.html">sleep disturbances</a> and another bout of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/09/fudgel-today-shivviness-tomorrow.html">retinology</a>. <br />
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Twice this last fortnight, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has done the whole Bus-Pool-Bank-Post Office-Bus-Wilko's-Morrisons Café-Morrisons-Greggs-Bus-The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House thing. And, twice, he has ended up pure dead exhausted and ready for his bed in the middle of the afternoon. Which, according to both the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2011/mar/02/afternoon-nap-good-for-you"><i>Gruniad Morning Star</i></a> and the <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/if-you-love-an-afternoon-nap-we-have-good-news-for-you_uk_6491a40de4b048eb91184335"><i>Huffington Post</i></a> is supposed to be rather good for you. And, according to <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/napping-for-more-than-30-minutes-linked-to-diabetes-and-obesity-lb6j2zx9g"><i>The Times</i></a> and the <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tech/afternoon-nap-could-lead-very-7623673"> <i>Daily Mirra</i></a>, really <i>isn't</i>. If possible, could you guys get your heads together and sort this issue out one way or the other, please? Because, you know, some of us would rather like to know whether it's helping or hindering. <br />
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Meanwhile, a recent Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House post delivery brought Keith Telly Topping an application form to claim his Civil Service pension. Reminding this blogger (because, obviously, he'd completely <i>forgotten</i> otherwise) that he was, at that time, a mere but six weeks away from his <i>sixtieth</i> birthday. Don't all look quite so shocked, will you? Time flies ... when you throw your clocks out of the window, apparently.<br />
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<i>BBC News</i> reports that India has <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-66643805?fbclid=IwAR0wZEJ5y31jFusTg1C2QiD_liCN8PUDx8eLvTU6UM284w8jze6sn2-SfVo">successfully launched its first mission of the Sun</a>. One trusts they're going at night, otherwise it might be a bit hot when they get there. <br />
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Mind you, the same website (which, like <i>Radio Times</i>, used to be run by <i>adults</i>) also reports that Japan has '<a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-asia-66739236">joined [the] race to Moon with a successful rocket launch</a>.' The 'race to the Moon', eh? Hang on, what's that sound this blogger hears in the far distance? Why, it's NASA doing a rather decent cover of The Stooges '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS_BsLxMqn4">1969</a>'.<br />
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There are people that will try to convince you, dear blog fiends, that the concept of nominative determinism simply doesn't exist. This blogger begs to differ. And, he cites <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-stoke-staffordshire-66739410">the story</a> that the soon-to-be-former Tory MP Chris Pincher has quit parliament after extremely losing a 'groping appeal' as exhibit number one for the defence. <br />
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It's a sad indication of this blogger age, he believes, but every time Keith Telly Topping hears the phrase 'now is the time' beginning a sentence, in <i>any</i> context (as this blogger did one day last week when listening to the news), this blogger's mind immediately goes to two separate places at once; Neil The Hippy saying '<i>Now</i> is the time for me to finish painting my astrological chart' in the <i>Oil</i> episode of <b>The Young Ones</b>. <i>And</i>, simultaneously, to a band that John Peel used to have on his show quite a bit circa 1982 called Now Is The Time To Forget The Whimpering Child, Become The Warrior. This blogger <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MBOa98WsYw">struggled to remember what they even sounded like</a>, but they couldn't have been any worse than the brilliantly-named-but musically-somewhat-limited The Night The Goldfish Died from around the same era, a band so obscure that this blogger can only find but one reference to them on the entire Interweb (concerning them having, seemingly, <a href="https://peevedrecords.co.uk/goldfish.htm">inspired the name</a> of another outfit, The Dead Goldfish Ensemble).<br />
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Music frequently reminds this blogger of the utterly <i>daft</i> questions that his mother often used to ask him about the records he was listening to at any given moment. Example number one: Hearing '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wro3bqi4Eb8">Tighten Up (Part 1)</a>' on The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House random playlist this week. Once, many years ago, Keith Telly Topping was listening to that very song when his mother suddenly asked, 'who's this?' 'It's Archie Bell & The Drells, mam' this blogger replied. '<i>Whom</i>?' This blogger repeated their name, more slowing this time. 'Why are they called <i>that</i>?' she asked. 'I dunno, maybe because it <i>rhymes</i>?' this blogger replied. She pondered this answer for moment then said 'Well, it's a <i>silly</i> name, anyway.' This blogger merely added that, since they were on Atlantic Records, she might want to write to them, care of the address on the label, as this blogger was sure Archie his very self would be <i>really</i> interested in hearing her views on his backing band naming policy.<br />
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Or, there was a time (example number two), when this blogger was listening to Cockney Rebel and my mother suddenly became <i>very</i> interested to know exactly <i>why</i> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bReQzkhMEJA">Judy Teen</a> 'got sick of the scene'. This blogger said that he had no earthly idea why this had occurred but, he was sure that he could find a phone number for Steve Harley so she could quiz him on what the lyrics were all about and leave this blogger alone to finish listening to the song in a bit of peace and quiet. <br />
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This blogger's father, on the other hand, always found Edwyn Collins's 'woah-oh-oooh' bits at the start of Orange Juice's '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTY04npiMTQ">Felicity</a>' <i>extremely</i> irksome. So, this blogger used to play that one <i>a lot</i>. It was, after all, the sound of happiness. <br />
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This blogger has only ever seen the Northern Lights about four times in his entire life (and three of those have been within the last decade when, apparently, due to certain atmospheric malarkey of which this blogger knows little the appearance of the <i>borealis</i> has become a much more regular happenstance than normal). Sadly, living in a city full of light pollution, they never - and this blogger means, <i>never</i> - look anything like <i>this</i>. (That's Sycamore Gap, near Housesteads, incidentally.)<br />
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And, finally dear blog reader, <a href="https://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/fp/news/moray/6151144/elgin-roundabout-marriage-proposal/">this</a>. Which, of course, wins the Internet.<br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-91997270032983441742023-09-01T06:11:00.002+01:002023-09-01T12:45:07.595+01:00Fudgel Today, Shivviness Tomorrow, Dysania Every Day, Perendinate ... When I Feel Like It<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update ahoy, dear blog readers. Shivers yer actual timbers and splice the ... thingy for all it is worth; it is time to, as the good and saintly Pirate Bob once wisely said, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3CosIid63U">sail the Bee Bee Sea</a>. Please feel free to join in with the 'yar-har's at the back and, remember, get out yer skull and crossbones and ram it up yer mast. <br />
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For this latest <i>From The North</i> update dear bloggerisationisms readers, Keith Telly Topping, having felt it was his duty to perform such a service to humanity, is intent on using in this bloggerisationisms' title, four of the twenty <i>Awesome Historical Words We Need to Bring Back</i> according to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAy0uteEAW0">this</a> video on <i>You Tube</i>. Or nineteen awesome words, technically, since 'callipygian' should <i>already</i> be in everyone's vocabulary and used on a daily basis. To describe an arse of your choice. <br />
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So, dear blog reader, do you ever have one of those days where even the net-bots on the Interweb its very self seem to have it in for you? Oh, come <i>on</i>! <br />
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According to noted Mackem geezer Steve Cram when commentating on some running or other during the World Athletics Championship in Budapest last week, 'it's been Muggy today.' And it <i>was</i>, indeed, muggy. Causing this blogger to immediately think to his very self: 'Yes. Tomorrow, it'll be Tuggy followed Weggy and Thurggy...' It was the weather that did it, dear blog reader. <br />
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In fact, dear blog reader, the weather in the vicinity of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House over the period since last we spoke, has been - not to put too fine a point on it - <i>effing bonkers</i>. Blazing sunshine one moment, bone-chillingly cold winds blowing in from the Arctic North the next. And, just when you thought you've had the worst that the elements can throw at you, then came the sort of thunderbolt and lightening that was very, <i>very</i> frightening to the late singer of The Queen Group in that bloody <i>awful</i> song about Galileo. Yes, we <i>will</i> let that one go. <br />
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This blog does not, as a rule, take much notice on the internal affairs of other nations, this blogger having enough shit on his own plate without considering the misery of others. Nevertheless, one story in the news this week simply cannot pass without some form of official <i>From The North</i> comment. <br />
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Blimey, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping is well aware that he was good at prestidigitation and all that but, frankly, staging a military coup against the Vice President of The Magic Circle is, surely, a bit uncalled for (especially as he's been <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali_Bongo_%28magician%29">dead since 2009</a>). The counter-insurrection is coming to your aid, Ali Bongo, never fear. David Nixon and Paul Daniels are putting together a mercenary guerrilla magical army as a matter of urgency to quell the revolting masses. They're going to use <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yNzkMqBToc">Tommy Cooper's duck trick</a> as a diversionary tactic. Just like that. <br />
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A wide-spread fan theory about the identityt of Yasmin Finney's <b>Doctor Who</b> character has been confirmed. To the surprise of absolutely no one (except some jhournalists at the <i>Independent</i>, seemingly). The <b>Heartstopper</b> actress will feature opposite returning David Tennant, as well as Catherine Tate's Donna Noble, in three special episodes of the BBC's popular, long-running family SF drama in November. In May 2022, it was announced that Finney would be joining the show as a character called Rose. While the nature of Rose's identity has been kept under wraps since then, many fans - including, big drum-roll, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">this very blog</a> - theorised that she is the daughter of Donna and her partner Shaun (Karl Collins). This was <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/doctor-who-rose-yasmin-finney-theory-b2401845.html">finally confirmed</a> on 30 August, in a social media post marking Finney's birthday and confirming that Rose is, indeed, Donna's daughter. So, whilst the <i>Indy</i> tried, desperately, to make this announcement seem like the shock of the Century, <i>Collider</i> website put it somewhat more accurately when heading <i>their</i> article, <a href="https://collider.com/doctor-who-yasmin-finney-rose-noble/"><i>Yasmin Finney's Rose Is Exactly Who You Thought She Is In <b>Doctor Who</b></i></a>! <br />
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<a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12461643/New-Doctor-Ncuti-Gatwa-poses-hotpants-dress-details-importance-representation-screen-battling-internalised-hate.html"><i>New <b>Doctor Who</b> Ncuti Gatwa Poses In Hotpants & A Dress As He Details The Importance Of Representation On Screen & Battling Internalised Hate</i></a> is, believe it or not dear blog reader, a headline in the <i>Daily Scum Mail</i>. No further comment is necessary, of course, except to say that if you want to see numerous choice examples of 'internalised hate' have a look at the below-the-article comments from <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> readers who, of course, have <i>no sick racist and/or homophobic agenda smeared across their disgusting faces whatsoever</i>. Oh no, <i>very</i> hot water. On the other hand, if you want to avoid needing a shower after reading something on the Interweb, then it's probably best to avoid that like you'd avoid a puddle of diarrhoea in the middle of the road. Marginally less hateful reportage of Ncuti's interview with <a href="https://www.elle.com/uk/life-and-culture/a44827957/ncuti-gatwa-interview-elle-style-awards/"><i>Elle</i></a> can be found at the <a href="radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-ncuti-gatwa-representation-enriches-newsupdate/"><i>Radio Times</i></a> and <a href="https://www.walesonline.co.uk/lifestyle/tv/doctor-who-star-ncuti-gatwa-27626169"><i>Wales Online</i></a>. Just to prove that not everyone in the world shares the same odious worldview as the average <i>Daily Scum Mail</i> reader. <br />
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All of which nonsense and crass frivolity brings us to Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirty Six: <i>The City Of The Dead</i>. Dennis Lotis: 'I'm sorry, Driscoll, witchcraft, black magic, sorcery, to me it's all mumbo jumbo. I'm a scientist, I believe what I can see, what I can feel and touch.' Christopher Lee: 'The basis of fairy tales is reality, the basis of reality is fairy tales. As a scientist you should be familiar with that quotation.' Dennis Lotis: 'I don't believe that somebody in Chicago can die of a heart attack because some woman in New Orleans sticks a pin in a wax doll.' Christopher Lee: 'Maybe <i>you</i> don't, but practitioners of voodoo claim otherwise.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirty Seven: <i>Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed</i>. Peter Cushing: 'Had man not been given to invention and experiment then tonight, sir, you would have eaten your dinner in a cave. You would've strewn the bones about the floor then wiped your fingers on a coat of animal skin. In fact, your lapels <i>do</i> look a bit greasy. Good night!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirty Eight: <i>Quatermass & The Pit</i>. Julian Glover: 'Mars is dead, nothing there but a few scraps of lichen.' Andrew Keir: 'Five million years ago it may have been very different. Suppose at that time there were living beings on it with techniques that let them visit the Earth at a time when the most highly evolved creatures here, our own ancestors, were only a type of Pliocene ape. They may have wanted to found another colony, when their own world was doomed, but couldn't endure our atmosphere, so they experimented.' Edwin Richfield: '... And the <i>insects</i> were responsible?' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirty Nine: <i>The Psychopath</i>. Judy Huxtable: 'Doctor Glyn, this is Donald Loftis. Donald's a medical student.' Colin Gordon: 'Well, after twenty years as a physician, may I offer you some advice?' Don Borisenko: 'Yes, please do!' Colin Gordon: 'Take up plumbing!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Forty: <i>The Brides Of Dracula</i>. Yvonne Monlaur: 'You locked him away? Your own son? Because he is unholy? Oh, this I cannot understand. How can you be so cruel?' Marita Hunt: 'You are judging me, child. Sleep before you pass sentence.'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Forty One: <i>Carry On Screaming</i>. Fanella Fielding: 'Do you mind if I smoke?' Harry H Corbett: 'And, I was trying to give it up!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Forty Two: <i>Dracula: Prince Of Darkness</i>. Francis Matthews: 'What is your name?' Philip Latham: 'Klove, sir.' Francis Matthews: 'Well, Klove, isn't your master joining us for dinner?' Philip Latham: 'No, sir. I'm afraid not.' Francis Matthews: 'Is he indisposed?' Philip Latham: 'No sir. He's <i>dead</i>!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Forty Three: <i>Cat Girl</i>. Barbara Shelley: 'To caress me is to invite death!'<br />
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To quote this blogger's excellent fiend Clay, '[I'm] reasonably certain I dated her in college.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Forty Four: <i>Corridors Of Blood</i>. Adrienne Corri: 'Some day you'll wiggle that bottom of yours just once too often.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Forty Five: <i>The Witches</i>. Kay Walsh: 'I will'd you to come and you came. You <i>came</i>! You came to join us!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Forty Six: <i>The Flesh & The Fiends</i>. Dermott Walsh: 'We are students of Hippocrates, but some of us are hypocrites.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Forty Seven: <i>The Kiss Of The Vampire</i>. Noel Willman: 'I will not say that she has not changed in any way, Mister Harcourt. She has, as you may put it, grown up. Tasted the more sophisticated, more exotic fruits of life.' Edward De Souza: 'Oh, my God!' Noel Willman: 'God is <i>hardly</i> involved!'<br />
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So we come to the inevitable part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the howling jaws of infinity, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into New Year 2022 feeling rotten</a>; experienced <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">five days in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more injections</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">continued to suffer fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">a second endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took ages to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">nothing remotely health-related occurred</a>; was given <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">further B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; received more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">received</a> yet more blood tests; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a> for his sick note; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">depressing, ceaseless fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sickie</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">surprising news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">general cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into New Year</a>. There was that '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">getting some new spectacles</a> and this blogger's <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">return to the East End pool</a>. Only to discover he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">genuinely wretched</a>. Experiencing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">a nasty bout of gastroenteritis</a>. Got visited by an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>. Did the 'accidentally going out in my <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">slippers</a>' malarkey. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">dreaded return</a> of the dreaded insomnia and the dreaded return of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/they-dont-know-what-is-what.html">the dreaded fatigue</a>. The latest <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/if-its-not-love-then-its-bomb-that-will.html">tri-monthly prickage</a> in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House arm. Plus, yet more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/death-so-called-is-thing-which-makes.html">sleep disturbances</a> of the jolly disturbing kind.<br />
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Earlier this week this blogger was in the process of getting his annual diabetes 'squinting stingy stuff in your eyes for a reet laugh' test. Yes, as previously noted, <i>just</i> like what Malcolm McDowell goes through in <i>A Clockwork Orange</i>. Halfway through the procedure and waiting for this blogger's pupils to dilate to the size of a couple of dinner plates, <i>this</i> image was taken. It was a bit like being unpleasantly drunk. Ask a glass of water what <i>that</i>'s like. <br />
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Anyway dear blog reader, this blogger was at the pool last week, minding his own business and putting his gear into the locker before taking a well-earned shower when a voice came from behind his very self: 'Well, if it isn't Keith Telly Topping, as I live and breathe!' It turned out to be an old mate of this blogger, Ray (yet another refugee from Newcastle City Job Centre) whom Keith Telly Topping hadn't seen since 1997 or thereabouts. We chatted, amiably, about old colleagues and what a shit job it was and how we were both pure dead lucky to have escaped when we did. 'I've seen your <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keith_Topping"><i>Wikipedia</i> page</a>' Ray noted, '<i>you've</i> done all right for yourself!' This blogger <i>really</i> wanted to reply 'oh, do you bloody <i>think</i> so?' in a sarky, Billy Connolly-style(e). But, then he thought better of it and merely noted: 'For a while, it was all right. But now, sadly, I'm not a well man!' <br />
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Indeed, dear blog reader it appears as though this blogger's last chance to be 'with it' has passed (... fifty nine years and one month ago, to be precise). <br />
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Though, it turns out, that may be just as well in the great scheme of things. <br />
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Speaking of The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them), this blogger supposes it was only a matter of time before the complete - <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-65167799">recently discovered</a> - lo-fi recording of The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) playing at Stowe School in April 1963 ended up online. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYaMkVmlg3A">Here</a>, in fact. One wonders how long that'll stay there before Apple gets heavy on someone's ass and it disappears. Perhaps to reappear at a later date having been cleaned up by Giles Martin and that wonderful de-mix technology everyone's so big on at the moment. <br />
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Of course, dear blog reader, it must be noted that there is 'with it' and there is '<i>with it</i>.' Case in point. Ah, <i>now</i> yer talkin'! <br />
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Just what y'need with yer Afghan coat and Moroccan hat, this blogger suggests, is a <i>purple</i> suede jacket and a Fair Isle knitted jumper, dear blog reader. <i>Skill</i>. (Though, this blogger does have to wonder what Gaz from Supergrass was doing advertising Zipper Two.) <br />
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You know, dear blog reader, the sole problem with having beef tikka masala with button mushrooms, garlic and shallots, wild basmati rice, paprika, black pepper, honey, lemon, coriander and parsley for us dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House is that, afterwards, <i>everything</i> in the entire Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House kitchen (from Keith Telly Topping's best pan to the cooker itself, the plates and most of the cutlery) are <i>a deep shade of red</i> and they're a right bugger to clean. <br />
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Moving on, swiftly, to the <i>From The North</i> Headline Of The Week award, let us have a huge round of applause for the <i>Mid-Devon Advertiser</i> for this important and, potentially award-winning, piece of quality reportage. <br />
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<i>Sky News</i>, meanwhile, have gone for a more <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYuvLSFFalo">Eddie Izzard-type route</a> with <a href="https://news.sky.com/story/bee-ware-drivers-warned-after-five-million-bees-fall-off-truck-on-canada-road-12951068"><i>Bee-ware! Drivers Warned After Five Million Bees Fall Off Truck On Canada Road</i></a>. <br />
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The <i>Geelong Times</i> have found the world's unluckiest Elvis impersonator (and, one that looks much more like Huge Jackman than Elvis, frankly. WolvElvis, perhaps?) One is, frankly, forced to wonder if him standing in that particular way is an indication of, exactly, <i>where</i> the snake, the crocodile and the redback spider bit him. Dunno about you, dear blog reader, but <i>that'd</i> certainly be cause for one night in hospital. <br />
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Meanwhile, the <i>Oxford Mail</i> are happy to report that police now <i>do</i> have something to go on. <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader, a black mark for the <i>Metro</i> (so, not a <i>real</i> newspaper, then) for publishing the following story and <i>not</i> including the suggestion that the villains will be fined hundred and thousands. An opportunity unlikely to come along every day missed, one could argue. <br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-32798120642016305072023-08-18T21:17:00.000+01:002023-08-18T21:17:48.950+01:00Death, So Called, Is A Thing Which Makes Men Weep Yet A Third Of Life Is Passed In Sleep (Less In This Blogger's Case, Admittedly)<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is a well-known thing amongst those who know all about well-known things, that national heartthrob David Tennant's life has intersected with <b>Doctor Who</b> in many, many, <i>many</i> ways. Not only has he starred in the lead role - as, by the end of this year, three separate versions of The Doctor - he is also known to have been a fan of the BBC;s popular, long-running family SF drama from childhood and is, of course, the son-in-law of Peter Davison. However, it turns out that things go even further than that, as David has revealed that his first TV memory is in fact, no surprise here, a particularly special <b>Doctor Who </b>moment. Speaking with the <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/david-tennant-doctor-who-regeneration-memory-newsupdate/"><i>Radio Times</i></a> (which used to be run by adults), Tennant was asked for his earliest TV memory, to which he replied: '<b>Doctor Who</b> - watching Jon Pertwee turn into Tom Baker. It's weirdly specific, especially considering things that have happened in my life since. I remember thinking, "That man just turned into <i>another</i> man. That's <i>wild</i>." It's so utterly unpredictable the way things worked out, it's so fantastically unlikely. The odds are so ludicrously small that if I think about it too much, it makes me feel vertiginous.' <br />
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David, who is returning to the role of The Doctor later this year for the show's sixtieth anniversary specials (you knew <i>that</i>, right?) recently spoke about his initial reaction to the fame he had thrust, harshly, upon him when he was cast in the role back in 2005. He said: 'To be at the centre of the show is wonderful and humbling, but also a bit overwhelming and terrifying. It doesn't come without some difficulties, such as the immediate loss of anonymity. It takes a bit of getting used to, if that's not been your life up to that point. I was very lucky that, when I joined, Billie Piper was still there. She'd lived in a glare of publicity since she was fourteen, so she was a great guide for how to live life under that kind of scrutiny. I owe a degree of sanity to Billie.'<br />
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The BBC has, this week, released a new image from the forthcoming <b>Doctor Who</b> sixtieth anniversary episodes featuring - a <i>very</i> startled-looking - national heartthrob David Tennant. <br />
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<b>Doctor Who</b> has <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a44830279/doctor-who-casting-2023-christmas-series-14/">confirmed</a> four new cast members for this year's upcoming Christmas special and next year's series, which will feature the newest incarnation of The Doctor, Ncuti Gatwa. The latest issue of <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Magazine</i> has confirmed the casting of Gemma Arrowsmith, Billy Brayshaw, Mary Malone and Majid Mehdizadeh-Valoujerdy. The <i>Sun</i>, of course, were<a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/tv/23541391/hollyoaks-majid-mehdizadeh-valoujerdy-doctor-who-role/"> far more interested in the latter</a>, formerly of <b>Hollyoaks</b>, than the other three put together. <br />
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The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) may have departed from <b>Doctor Who</b> in 2017, but that has not stopped devoted fans from trying to manifest his return to the show and, according to a new 'update', they may have succeeded. Though, that said, this is according to a - rather speculative - <a href="https://www.cbr.com/doctor-who-rumor-steven-moffats-return/">piece</a> on the CRB.com website. Which seems at first glance to be a case of someone - initially at the <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-steven-moffat-return-clue-newsupdate/"><i>Radio Times</i></a> (which used to be run by adults) - putting two and two together and getting nineteen. But, time will tell, dear blog reader, it usually does. And, if Steven is coming back to write an episode or two for his older mate Big Rusty on the show he graced as showrunner for seven years <i>no one</i> would be more delighted than this blogger. Over to you, Steven. <br />
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In celebration of 9 August being International Cat Day and all that ... Comments concerning the lack of Jodie Whittaker's pussy <i>will</i> be frowned upon. Bigly. <br />
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Which brings us to Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF-musical-comedy Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Twenty Five: <i>Help!</i> Allan Mitchell: 'Boys, are you buzzing?' John Lennon: 'No thanks, I've got the car!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Twenty Six: <i>The Collector</i>. Samantha Eggar: 'I wouldn't be a good prisoner if I didn't try to escape.' Terence Stamp: 'Don't worry, I'll respect your every privacy!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Twenty Seven: <i>Paranoiac</i>. Sheila Burrell: 'Where have you been?' Oliver Reed: 'I've been drinking ... Now I need to drink some more!'<br />
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'And he wasn't even following the script, just talking about his [own] life,' noted this blogger's <i>Facebook</i> fiend, Dave. <i>That's</i> entertainment, dear blog reader. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Twenty Eight: <i>Fahrenheit 451</i>. Oskar Werner: 'It's a job just like any other. Good work with lots of variety. Monday, we burn Miller; Tuesday, Tolstoy; Wednesday, Walt Whitman; Friday, Faulkner and Saturday and Sunday, Schopenhauer and Sartre. We burn them to ashes and then burn the ashes. That's our official motto!' <br />
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Which, apart from being a memorable daft line in a, genuinely, <i>great</i> film, also includes some <i>very</i> silly hats on display. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Twenty Nine: <i>The Gorgon</i>. Patrick Troughton: 'Doctor, you'll perform an autopsy?' Peter Cushing: 'On a body that's turned to stone? That might be a little ... difficult!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirty: <i>The Abominable Snowman</i>. Peter Cushing: 'This is complete madness, Friend and you know it.' Forrest Tucker: 'Relax, will you. He knows how to hold his fire!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirty One: <i>Matthew Hopkins - Witchfinder General</i>. Vincent Price: 'They swim! The mark of Satan is upon them. They must hang!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirty Two: <i>Blood Of The Vampire</i>. Donald Wolfit: 'Since you're so interested in my work, there's no reason why you should not assist me. My experiments so far have been confined to male blood groups. I think it's time to extend my activity.'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirty Three: <i>The Innocents</i>. Martin Stephens: 'Now it's your turn to hide!' Pamela Franklin: 'Hurry! Run!' Deborah Kerr: 'Alright, where should I hide?' Martin Stephens: 'Wherever you like, we'll find you!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirty Four: <i>The Shadow Of The Cat</i>. Alan Wheatley: 'Do you mean to say the cat <i>pushed</i> Miss Clara down the stairs?' Barbara Shelley: 'Yes. No. Oh, I don't know!'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirty Five: <i>The Deadly Bees</i>. Suzanna Leigh: 'Why should Hargrove or whoever it was want to destroy your bees?' Frank Finlay: 'He didn't want to destroy my bees. He wanted to destroy me!' <br />
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This blogger was delighted to discover that two of the original cast are to appear in the remake of <i>Doctor Terror's House of Horrors</i>.<br />
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Et maintenant, 'Le singe est dans l'Auto-bus. Et condui l'autobus. Et, Sandra Bullock est dans l'Autobus! Il ya une <i>bomb</i> dans l'auto-bus!' <br />
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'That was the film <i>Speed</i> in French. Which, in France was actually called <i>La Vitesse</i>. Or, at least, it <i>should</i> have been. In fact, it was called <i>Speed</i>!'<br />
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Since the vast majority of this blogger's many <i>Facebook</i> fiends, this blogger took himself over to BairRBIE.me with a selfie and created his own Ken. Not only doesn't it look <i>anything</i> like this blogger, it doesn't look anything like Ken, either. Though, to be fair, it's probably about high time that we had an angry, 'are you lookin' at me, <i>pal</i>?' Ken From Accounts doll. 'It's giving "David Cameron working at a budget airline" vibes' noted this blogger's fiend Graham. Which, actually, yes this blogger <i>can</i> see. During his A Flock Of Seagulls phase, post-Eton, perhaps. <br />
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Meanwhile, it would appear that the phenomena of <i>Barbieheimer</i> has even reached the realm of The Endless. Which is nice. <br />
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Thought for the day: If only it hadn't been for that terrible bizarre gardening accident <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-BYzaDwNoE&fbclid=IwAR3KRjyZX7iyIzZBon5i05uylZZsMexuv27PvXfgePsVoBAoYJ6v6NWckHo">The New Originals</a> could've been bigger than Herman's Hermits, dear blog reader.<br />
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In the period since this blogger <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/08/if-its-not-love-then-its-bomb-that-will.html">last had cause to update</a> <i>From The North</i> with a new bloggerisationism a series of <i>From The North</i> favourites have, sadly, left us. <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/music/2023/aug/10/robbie-robertson-obituary">Robbie Robertson</a>, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2023/aug/13/my-friend-billy-mark-kermode-remembers-exorcist-director-william-friedkin">Billy Friedkin</a>, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2023/aug/13/jamie-reid-obituary-sex-pistols-design">Jamie Reid</a>, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2023/aug/06/anita-carey-obituary">Anita Carey</a> and, most recently, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/media/2023/aug/17/sir-michael-parkinson-obituary">Michael Parkinson</a>. Each one, a cherished part of this blogger's - and, he suspects, many dear blog readers' - past. <br />
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This blogger has, quite lidderally, seen <i>everything</i> now, dear blog reader. <b>Sky Sports News</b>' coverage of the Harry Kane transfer last Friday included them having logged into "track your airline dot com" (or <a href="https://www.flightstats.com/v2/flight-tracker/search">similar</a>) and featured regular on-screen graphics of the plane's progress from Stanstead to München International. Jeez, lads, this blogger knows that it's jolly difficult to fill a twenty four hour rolling sports news service at the best of times without repetition, hesitation or deviation. But <i>that's</i> a dictionary definition of 'desperate'!<br />
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That weekend also saw, of course, the opening of the 2023-24 Premier League socherball season. And, it being a game of two halves, Brian, at the end of ninety minutes (or, in many cases, about one hundred and five minutes thanks to time being added on for <i>everything</i>) the following <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPYYie-NMSs">highly unlikely event</a> occurred. And lo, dear blog reader, it was truly <i>glorious</i> in this blogger's sight and <i>geet cush</i> into the bargain. Even the <i>Gruniad Morning Star </i><a href="https://www.theguardian.com/football/live/2023/aug/12/newcastle-v-aston-villa-premier-league-live">couldn't find anything to whinge about</a>.<br />
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Now, we all <i>know</i> that karma is a right bitch which enjoys pissing on any example of crowing -= especially where football is concerned. But, dear blog readers, <i>please</i> just give this blogger this one <i>small</i> day of abject joy at being able to sing 'we are top of the league/said we are top of the league' about his beloved (and now, thankfully, sold) Magpies. It'll probably be the <i>only</i> time all season he'll be in a position to do so (especially, as we've got last season's champions Sheikh Yer Man City away next!) <br />
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This blogger's fine <i>Facebook</i> fiend Barnaby - a lifelong Brighton & Hove Albinos fan - was quick to point out who was in second to Th' Toon in the Premier League table after The Seagull's four-one thrashing of newly promoted Luton Town. To which this blogger could merely quote the wise words of Wisdom of <i>From The North</i> favourite Buzz Aldrin.</div><div style="text-align: justify;">
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Not unexpectedly, this blogger suffered further nights of constantly interrupted sleep and properly disturbing dreams this week, although one of the dreams in particular would've actually made a superb script for a <b>Twilight Zone</b>/<b>Outer Limits</b>/<b>Tales Of The Totally Expected</b>-type anthology chiller about someone sending a book with a deadly killer wasp inside through the post to an enemy (complete with trademark twist ending). This blogger would tell you more about it, dear blog reader, but he may have the strength and inclination to write and pitch such a story to a production company one day so, best keep <i>schtum</i> just for the moment in case someone else nicks the idea. <br />
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As a consequence of Thursday being such a strange and discombobulated day, this blogger ended it in desperate and urgent need of a king prawn and chicken curry with young chow fried rice. So he had one. It was very nice. Just, you know, for anyone taking notes. <br />
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Mind you, dear blog reader, it wasn't <i>all</i> bad news last week. This blogger got a tenner off The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House weekly shopping at Morrisons on Tuesday (due to points accrued via the loyalty card scheme). Then he found a penny in the street on his way to the bus stop to return to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House (although stooping to pick it up with his back in the state that it is was a far greater effort than it should have been). Could the day possibly get any better, you may be wondering dear blog reader? No, <i>of course</i>, it couldn't, this is Keith Telly Topping's life we're talking about here, <i>that's</i> about as good as it gets.<br />
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Well, <i>this</i> is just an accident waiting to happen, this blogger is sure you will all agree.<br />
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The nominees for the latest <i>From The North</i> Headlines Of The Week award include the <i>Oxford Mail</i>'s <a href="https://www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/23730816.oxfordshire-teen-punched-chicken-head-sentenced/"><i>Oxfordshire Teen Who Punched Chicken In The Head Sentenced</i></a>.<br />
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The <i>Cumberland News & Star</i>'s <a href="https://www.newsandstar.co.uk/news/23724992.woman-spray-painted-nonce-onto-completely-wrong-car"><i>Workington Woman Spray Painted 'Nonce' Onto 'Completely Wrong Car'</i></a>. <br />
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The <i>Torygraph</i>'s <a href="https://uk.yahoo.com/news/bus-driver-quits-mid-route-131659045.html"><i>Bus Driver Quits Mid-Route & Leaves Passengers Locked In By Angel Of The North</i></a>. 'After the incident on Wednesday, Liam Brian Kenny posted on<i> Facebook</i>: "Go North East, your bus driver on this bus tonight has just left the bus at the Angel and stormed off. Locking the bus with people on it." He said that the bus driver added: "You can stuff your job."' Well, be fair, we've all <i>wanted</i> to say that at least once in our lives. <br />
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And, the potential winner, from the <i>Stray Ferret</i> (no, me neither). <a href="https://thestrayferret.co.uk/ex-simply-red-band-member-to-judge-at-harrogate-allotment-show/"><i>Ex-Simply Red Band Member To Judge At Harrogate Allotment Show</i></a>. Well. dear blog reader, when money is too tight to mention, you take any old gig that you can get, right? <br />
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Also, do you ever see something on the Interweb, dear blog reader and think to yourselves 'makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?' </div><div style="text-align: justify;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigmxUfW3OsHXnRBGtCtTF4lRkXW-v-zr1XRyHWzkY2lzzyynHFOOypt_Rl9ZG88Cs4HlHmkhr9bMVU6L7-6tuzX0UTrBXgHBY0-cNnOCrT7EX0PaeIJXaJhG52-g5XX94EJ0BQ4Ks1rPwJrg-PlUKIei8ytLM_Wcq01sIheZXaan220c4-4A/s612/proud%20to%20be%20british.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="501" data-original-width="612" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigmxUfW3OsHXnRBGtCtTF4lRkXW-v-zr1XRyHWzkY2lzzyynHFOOypt_Rl9ZG88Cs4HlHmkhr9bMVU6L7-6tuzX0UTrBXgHBY0-cNnOCrT7EX0PaeIJXaJhG52-g5XX94EJ0BQ4Ks1rPwJrg-PlUKIei8ytLM_Wcq01sIheZXaan220c4-4A/s320/proud%20to%20be%20british.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>'Tripped?' Of <i>course </i>you did, mate. How unlucky. And finally, dear blog reader ... <br />
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Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-27532458142334199562023-08-08T05:56:00.001+01:002023-08-08T07:05:11.559+01:00If It's Not Love Then It's the Bomb That Will Keep Us Together<div style="text-align: justify;">
The head of the TV archive Kaleidoscope has <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-missing-episodes-exist-exclusive-newsupdate/">suggested</a> that missing episodes of <b>Doctor Who</b> are 'known' to still exist, but remain in private collections. Out of two hundred and fifty three episodes from the show's first six series (1963 to 1969), ninety seven remain missing from the BBC archives in their original form, due to the BBC's policy of junking archive programming between 1967 and 1978 (you knew all <i>that</i>, right? And, if you didn't, then you must be new to this very blog because we've <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2013/10/one-day-i-shall-come-back.html">covered this subject before</a>. <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2011/12/nothing-is-ever-forgotten.html">Several times</a>. Many <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2008/12/gone.html"><i>many</i> times</a>). Speaking to <i>Radio Times</i> (if not anyone slightly more reliable), Chris Perry - the CEO of the TV archive Kaleidoscope, whom this blogger knew back in the day and has always regarded as a very knowledgeable chap - said that it is 'very likely' more lost episodes will be recovered in the future. 'We know there is missing <b>Doctor Who</b> out there but the owners won't return it at the moment,' he revealed. 'Every year we find fifty to seventy lost programmes, some famous titles and internationally known names and others not, but significant examples of regional television output, for example.' Kaleidoscope was founded in 1987 and since 1995 has worked in partnership with the BFI on its<i> Missing Believed Wiped</i> initiative to recover, restore and return British television to the archives. And more power to their elbow for the excellent work they do. <br />
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Russell Davies has warned <b>Doctor Who</b> fans they 'won't be laughing' at a pivotal moment in the third of this year's <b>Doctor Who</b> sixtieth anniversary episodes. They once laughed at this blogger when he suggested he wanted to be a stand-up comedian when he grew up. Well, they're not laughing <i>now</i>. Anyway, the BBC's popular, long-running family SF drama revealed (via <i>Instagram</i>) that the final episode in the three-parter is titled <i>The Giggle</i>, with a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edKA-fByk0g">short trailer</a> showing David Tennant's Doctor expressing his disgust at a formidable new villain. 'He's here. Driving you mad. Laughing at the human race,' says The Doctor, seemingly referring to Neil Patrick Harris's as-yet-unidentified villain (but we all know he's going to be The Celestial Toymaker, really). Despite its title, Davies wrote in the comments section, assuring fans that the episode won't simply be a barrel of laughs, adding: 'Oh you won't be laughing when ...', followed by a sad-faced emoji. And, all of this was <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-giggle-wont-be-laughing-newsupdate/">reported</a> by the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults).<br />
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Are you the person in your family, dear blog reader, who gets text messages from your nephew asking you to ring your brother and, when you do, perhaps expecting bad news (even if the text <i>did</i> include a smiley-face emoji) it is simply so that they can 'la-la-la' a tune to you down the phone and ask you to identify it? To satisfy a bet, or something. This blogger only asks this because, in <i>his</i> family, Keith Telly Topping <i>is</i> that very man. Incidentally, the la-la-la'd tune in question was <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUTsS8-vukw">this</a> as it happens. And this blogger recognised and identified it without even pausing to think. God, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping is <i>good</i>! <br />
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As it happens identifying this particular John Barry tune had long been the subject of a, seemingly impossible, quest for this blogger during the 1980s and 1990s. This blogger knew the tune, well, from the Australian Broadcast Corporation's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a400154DZyg&t=1012s">highlights programmes</a> of The Ashes from the 1970s which used to get shown on BBC2 late at night in Britain. For years this blogger tried to find out what this tune was; Keith Telly Topping wrote to the BBC asking if they could identify it (they were nice enough to reply but were, ultimately, no help since it wasn't their programme); this blogger wrote to ABC (airmail) and, sadly, didn't even get a reply from them; he tried a couple of cricket message boards during the early days of his Interweb usage in the mid-1990s (several people tried to convince this blogger that he was thinking of 'Soul Limbo' by Booker T & The MGs. Barely keeping his temper in check, this blogger replied - several times - '<i>no</i>! That's <i>Test Match Special</i> here in the UK, this is the <i>Australian</i> version!'); this blogger even wrote to couple of relatives in Australia but no one knew or could provide a convincing argument for what it might be. Keith Telly Topping had even started to believe that it might have been a piece of original music. Perhaps made up by some guy in the Aussie equivalent of the Radiophonics Workshop in a basement studio in Sydney with a minimoog and a budget of four pee. And, that in such circumstances, it almost certainly had never been commercially released. Then, one night in the late 1990s, this blogger was watching a TV showing of <i>Midnight Cowboy</i> (a film which this blogger <i>was</i> already quite familiar with having seen it several times, so Christ only knows how it hadn't registered previously). And, suddenly, during the scene in which Ratso Rizzo <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IC2crLlclNA">imagines a fantasy</a> of himself and Joe Buck living the high-life in Flordia surrounded by women they can sponge from, this blogger realised 'Ohmigod, that's <i>it</i>!' That what he now knew was called 'Florida Fantasy' was, in fact, something written and recorded by one of Keith Telly Topping's musical heroes on a million-selling soundtrack LP that had won a sodding Grammy! Oooo, this blogger was pure vexed (but, also, happy to have finally got a long-running monkey off his back). <br />
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The fact that this blogger subsequently discovered the same music had been used as the theme tune for the long-running BBC teatime wildlife programme <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVHlKU3wmnw"><b>Wildtrack</b></a> was an additional reason for wax to explode in this blogger's ears. His only excuse for not recalling this being that it was broadcast at a time when this blogger would've been out at work earning his living at the Department of Employment. Tony Soper, where were you when this blogger needed you? <br />
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As long-term dear blog readers will be aware, via Keith Telly Topping's essays on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/b-crumble-stinkers-british-post-war-b.html">British post-war B-movies</a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>The Corpse</i></a>, <i>The Yellow Teddy Bears</i>, <i>Saturday Night Out</i> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html"><i>The Black Torment</i></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html"><i>The Pleasure Girls</i></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html"><i>Hell Is A City</i></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html"><i>Cup Fever</i></a>, <i>Face Of A Stranger</i> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/a-chronicle-of-numerous-small-things.html"><i>Yield To The Night</i></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html"><i>Hell Drivers</i></a>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-will-show-you-fear-in-handful-of-dust.html"><i>The Day The Earth Caught Fire</i></a> and <i>Game For Three Losers</i>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">Hammer Films</a>, <i>Blood Of The Vampire</i> and <i>Good-Time Girl</i>, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html"><i>Beat Girl</i></a>, <i>The Earth Dies Screaming</i>, <i>Radio-Cab Murder</i>, <i>Seven Days Till Noon</i>, <i>Murder In Reverse</i>, <i>The Gelignite Gang </i>and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html"><i>Dead Man's Chest</i></a>, <i>Danger By My Side</i>, <i>Night Of The Prowler</i>, <i>Impact</i>, <i>Smokescreen</i>, <i>Girl In The Headlines </i>and <i><a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">The Narrowing Circle</a></i> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html"><i>Local Hero</i></a>, <i>From The North</i> has sometimes seemed more like a film blog which, sometimes, discusses TV. Rather than the other way around which is, in theory, this blog's <i>raison d'être</i>. <i>Mai oui. C'est la vie, chers lecteurs du blog</i>. And, there <i>still</i> seems no reason to stop such movie-related malarkey any time soon. <br />
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Anyway, dear blog reader, on Wednesday of last week, this blogger joined his fiend, Young Malcolm, in attending the local, in administration but <i>still</i> open for business, CineWorld there to watch a film of our choice. And, you'd better believe him when this blogger says it was certainly <i>a blast</i>. <br />
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You may have noticed that the reviews of <i>Oppenheimer</i> have, largely, been of the <i>ecstatic-verging-on-'oh-I've-just-cum'</i> variety. Cos, you know, this <i>is</i> Christopher Nolan we're talking about and he's <i>a bit good</i>, that lad. Take for instance <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF1_B0fDFas">this</a>. And <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aU8lfaN_wjY">this</a>. And <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co_9R-PRLkU">this</a>. And <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-UuL4n0p7s">this</a>. And <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXGNBA9nMSc">this</a>. And <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZaF_JFxBpE">this</a> (from a chap who, actually, <i>knows what he's talking about </i>when it comes to quantum physics!) Although, of course, inevitably there's always some cheb-end <i>smear</i> who <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LqxXD8mvcg">has to be different</a>. Do you want a medal, mate?<br />
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The plot (and, do try to keep up because this goes on for a <i>long</i> time. As, indeed, does the film). In 1926, twenty two-year-old J Robert Oppenheimer (<i>From The North</i> favourite Cillian Murphy) suffers from homesickness and anxiety while studying under experimental physicist Patrick Blackett (James D'Arcy) at Cambridge. Upset with Blackett once too often, Oppenheimer retaliates by leaving him a poisoned apple, then narrowly prevents his hero, Niels Bohr (<i>From The North</i> favourite Kenneth Branagh) from eating it. Oppenheimer completes his PhD in Germany and, later, meets theoretical physicist Werner Heisenberg (Matthias Schweighöfer). Who, surprisingly, appears a lot more <i>certain</i> about life than history has thus far suggested. Oppenheimer returns to America, hoping to expand quantum physics research and begins teaching at Berkeley, forming a friendship with nuclear physicist Ernest Lawrence (Josh Hartnell) and gaining his own first disciple, Giovanni Lomanitz (Josh Zuckerman). He meets his future wife, Kitty (Emily Blunt), a biologist and ex-Communist and also has an intermittent affair with Jean Tatlock (<i>From The North</i> favourite Florence Pugh whose extremely nice tits utterly <i>dominate</i> the scenes in which they feature), a member of the Communist Party, until her - somewhat suspicious - suicide a few years later. <br />
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In 1942, with World War II in horribly full-swing, Colonel Leslie Groves (a terrific Matt Damon) recruits Oppenheimer to lead The Manhattan Project, America's newly-formed effort to develop an atomic bomb after Oppenheimer gives Groves assurances that he no longer has any Communist sympathies. Oppenheimer, who is Jewish, is particularly driven by the Nazis' potentially completing their nuclear weapons programme (headed by Heisenberg) first. Oppenheimer assembles a crack team including Edward Teller (Benny Safdle), Isidor Isaac Rabi (David Krumholtz) and Vannevar Bush (Matthew Modine) in Los Alamos, New Mexico to secretly create the bomb. Oppenheimer also collaborates with the scientists Enrico Fermi (Danny Deferrari), Kenneth Bainbridge (Josh Peck), David L Hill (Remi Malik), Lilli Hornig (Olivia Thirlby) and Richard Feynman (Jack Quaid) among many others - including, much to his later discomfort, even though Oppenheimer wasn't responsible for picking him - Klaus Fuchs (Christopher Denham). Oppenheimer and Albert Einstein (<i>From The North</i> favourite Tom Conti) discuss how an atomic bomb risks triggering an unstoppable chain-reaction which could, potentially, set fire to the atmosphere and destroy the world. <br />
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After Germany surrenders, several project scientists question the bomb's continued importance, though Oppenheimer agrees with the Secretary of War, Henry Stimson (James Remer) and stresses that dropping the bomb will hasten the end of the war in the Pacific and, actually, save lives. The Trinity test is successfully conducted and President Truman <i>From The North</i> favourite Gary Oldman) orders that Hiroshima and Nagasaki be bombed (a lot), forcing Japan's surrender. Oppenheimer is thrust into the public eye as 'the father of the atomic bomb' and becomes something of a celebrity in the immediate post-war years, but the immense destruction and massive fatalities haunt him. Feeling that he has blood on his hands, he urges Truman to restrict further nuclear weapon development, but the president coldly rejects Oppenheimer's advice, considering it 'cry-baby' weakness. As an advisor to the US Atomic Energy Commission, Oppenheimer advocates against further nuclear research, especially against the development of the even more powerful hydrogen bomb proposed by Teller. His stance becomes a point of contention amid the tension of the developing Cold War. AEC Chairman Lewis Strauss (<i>From The North</i> favourite Robert Downey Jnr) resents Oppenheimer for publicly dismissing his concerns regarding the export of radioisotopes and for recommending arms reduction talks with the Soviet Union. He also believes that Oppenheimer turned Einstein against him. <br />
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At a hearing intended to eliminate his political influence, Oppenheimer is betrayed by Teller and other colleagues. Strauss - without getting his own hands dirty and aided by the likes of Boris Pash (Casey Afleck), Kenneth Nichols (Dane DeHaan) and, especially, hearsay evidence given by William Borden (David Dastmalchian) - exploits Oppenheimer's associations with Communists such as Tatlock, his friend Haakon Chevalier (Jefferson Hall) and Oppenheimer's own brother, Frank (Dylan Arnold). And, the discovery that Fuchs <i>was</i> a Soviet spy is also used against him. The persecuting counsel, Roger Robb (Jason Clarke) gives Oppenheimer a vicious cross-examination (though, curiously, when he tries to also implicate Kitty, she makes mincemeat of him). Despite Rabi and several other scientific allies testifying in Oppenheimer's defence, Oppenheimer's security clearance is, ultimately, revoked damaging his public image and neutralising his influence on nuclear policy. During his hearing, Oppenheimer had testified on the left-wing activities of some of his colleagues. Had his clearance not been stripped, it has been suggested that he may have been remembered as someone who 'named names' to save his own reputation. But as it happened, most in the scientific community saw him as a martyr to McCarthyism, an eclectic liberal unjustly attacked by warmongering enemies and symbolic of the shift of scientific work from academia into the military. Wernher Von Braun, for instance, told a Congressional committee: 'In England, Oppenheimer would have been knighted.' Mind you, in England, Von Braun himself would have been <i>hanged</i> as a war criminal. So, you know, swings and roundabouts, innit?<br />
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Four years later, Strauss has a Senate confirmation hearing after being President Eisenhower's nominee for Secretary of Commerce. Several Democrat members - including Gale McGee (<i>From The North</i> favourite Harry Groener) and John Pastore (Tim DeKay) - grill Strauss on his role in Oppenheimer's treatment. Hill testifies about Strauss's personal agenda in engineering Oppenheimer's downfall and the US Senate votes against Strauss's nomination by three votes (one of them being then Senator John Kennedy). In 1963, President Johnson presents Oppenheimer with the Enrico Fermi Award as a public gesture of political rehabilitation. Teller, a previous recipient, had suggested Oppenheimer for the award and Oppenheimer appears to bear no ill-will towards his previous adversary (although Kitty remains visibly hostile). It is suggested that Oppenheimer and Einstein's earlier conversation was not regarding Strauss at all but, rather, something far more important; the far-reaching implications of nuclear weapons. Oppenheimer says that he believes he has started a chain reaction which will, ultimately, destroy the world.<br />
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Three hours long (as usual, this blogger's bum went <i>horribly</i> numb after the first ninety minutes) and featuring a complex, non-linear juggling of a story around about four or five different time frames, <i>Oppenheimer</i> is a critical summation of Christopher Nolan's approach to movie-making. It is, for the most part, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MW6vVuPQho">historically accurate</a> and the few inaccuracies which <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MW6vVuPQho">have been suggested</a> are, mostly, down to the source material - Kai Bird and Martin Sherwin's <i>American Prometheus: The Triumph & Tragedy of J Robert Oppenheimer</i>. Oppenheimer's grandson, Charles, said he had enjoyed the film but <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/news/oppenheimer-poison-apple-grandson-b2383414.html">did have a problem</a> with the apple poisoning subplot (although he absolved Nolan of blame, noting that this came from the source biography). Oppenheimer himself <i>did</i> describe the incident with Blackett's apple on a couple of occasions later in life, though it is unclear whether aspects of the poisoning story may have been exaggerated. The other point that has been picked up on by some eagle-eyed viewers is that in what is, perhaps, one of the movie's best scenes - Oppenheimer addressing his fellow scientists in the aftermath of Hiroshima and feeling the first stirrings of his horror at, as he later said, becoming 'death, the destroyer of worlds' - <a href="https://ew.com/movies/oppenheimer-historical-inaccuracy-american-flags/">the flags on display</a> have fifty stars rather than forty eight as they would have had in 1945. It's a <i>tiny</i> sidebar to a great movie but, as Abe Simpson <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoWc6WRHKEE">once noted</a>, 'I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognise Missouri!'<br />
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For this blogger, the only slight problem he had - and, again, it's a small, aesthetic thing - is that if you ever see a photograph of the real-life Oppenheimer and the real-life Leslie Groves, you'll note that Groves is about six inches the taller of the two men. Matt Damon is <i>many</i> things and his Groves is one of the best thing about the movie, but tall, <i>isn't</i> one of them! As this blogger's fiend and fellow movie-goer Young Malcolm noted, if this film had been made in the 1950s, that part would've been played by a <i>really</i> tall actor like John Wayne or Robert Mitchum whilst, in all likelihood, Oppenheimer would've been a role <i>made</i> for Jimmy Stewart. In an alternate universe somewhere, John Ford or Anthony Mann directed it and it won about eight Oscars in 1957. Interestingly, of course, approximately the same story <i>has</i> previously been told on a couple of occasions, notably in the BBC's fine seven-part 1980 series <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oppenheimer_%28TV_series%29"><b>Oppenheimer</b></a> (starring Sam Waterston, David Suchet and Edward Hardwicke) which the BBC, rather opportunistically, though not unwelcomely, have just stuck up on <i>iPlayer</i> so those who enjoyed the film can check that out too. And, also, in Roland Joffe's 1989 film <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_Man_and_Little_Boy"><i>Fat Man & Little Boy</i></a> (released in the UK as <i>Shadow Makers</i>), starring Paul Newman as Groves and Dwight Schultz as Oppenheimer. Neither are as good as <i>Oppenheimer</i> but both are more than decent and well worth a visit if you get the chance. <br />
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Cillian Murphy is, of course, superb in the title role and has an Oscar nomination, surely, his for the taking. In an outstanding ensemble cast, the other standout performance is Downey Jnr who spends the first two thirds of the film portraying Strauss as rather misunderstood; if not a wholly sympathetic man then certainly no cartoon black and white villain. However, he's shown to be an unreliable narrator of his own story and, in the movie's final act, frankly, he deserves everything he gets. <br />
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Costing one hundred million dollars to make, it was widely reported - in view of the recent catastrophic financial failure of the fifth <i>Indiana Jones</i> movie - that <i>Oppenheimer</i> was considered to be a risk and that it would need to take somewhere in the region of four hundred million bucks to break even. As at the time of writing, it is <a href="https://coopwb.in/info/oppenheimer-has-passed-500m-worldwide/">already past that figure</a> after a mere three weeks of release and is well on the way to making a shitload more. It and <i>Barbie</i> - released on the same day - have, not to put too fine a point of it, 'saved cinema' (the jury is still out on whether another blockbuster, <i>Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One</i> will also make a big enough profit to fully justify its existence). Described as 'a towering achievement' by the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/film/2023/jul/22/oppenheimer-review-christopher-nolan-volatile-biopic-is-a-towering-achievement-cillian-murphy"><i>Gruniad Morning Star</i></a> and 'the best film of the century so far' by <a href="https://variety.com/2023/film/news/oppenheimer-best-film-century-paul-schrader-1235672941/">Paul Schrader</a>, <i>Oppenheimer</i> hasn't been to everyone's tastes; take <a href="https://www.forbes.com/sites/markhughes/2023/07/20/critics-review-oppenheimer-is-a-hot-mess/"><i>this</i></a> prick of no importance at <i>Forbes</i>, for example. All you really need to know is this blogger thought it was <i>great</i>. Here endeth the lesson. <br />
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So dear blog reader, is it completely bloody illogical to say that this blogger <i>really</i> enjoyed the <b>Strange New Worlds</b> musical episode - <i>Subspace Rhapsody</i> - <i>except</i> for the music? Not the singing, that was very good (and, there was even a reasonably coherent rationale behind the episode's existence which this blogger wasn't sure whether to expect or not). No, rather it was swelling strings of <i>massive</i> orchestration which accompanied all the songs that quickly got right on this blogger's tit-end! They <i>really</i> missed a trick by, when the entire bridge was bursting into song, not having the lift doors open to reveal a string octet in there playing away! <i>That</i> would've been funny. This blogger simply couldn't get past the stumbling block of 'where's that music coming from? I know where the singing's coming from but shouldn't it be acapella unless there's a small orchestra somewhere in Engineering?' But, that apart, this blogger enjoyed the episode greatly and Keith Telly Topping is glad that the episode seems to have <a href="https://www.indiewire.com/criticism/shows/strange-new-worlds-best-tv-musical-buffy-1234891810/">gone down so well</a> in terms of the reviews. <i>And</i>, that it's annoyed a number of very serious strokey-beard fandom types who probably deserve a bit of annoying every so often. This blogger specifically loved the <i>Once More With Feeling</i> allusions (about as subtle as a flying brick, admittedly, but still funny). Given Big Rusty's freely acknowledged love of musical theatre, this blogger is pretty willing to place a tenner at Ladbrokes now that we'll get a <b>Doctor Who</b> musical episode with the next couple of series. It's gonna happen, dear blog reader. Plus, '<a href="https://ew.com/tv/star-trek-strange-new-worlds-musical-finale-dancing-klingons/">no one needs signing Klingons</a>' might, just, be this blogger's favourite <b>Star Trek</b> line ever. <br />
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'Do Jasper Carrott want to play Scunthorpe Baths?' 'They <i>might</i>. How much?' 'Oi, Carrott, d'you wanna play Scunthorpe Baths for three hundred quid?' 'I'll <i>drink</i> Scunthorpe Baths for three hundred quid!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fifteen: <i>Dracula</i>. Peter Cushing: I'm sorry, Mister Holmwood, but I really cannot tell you anything more about how he died.' Michael Gough: 'Cannot or will not?' Peter Cushing: 'Whichever you wish.' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Sixteen: <i>Captain Clegg</i>. Patrick Allen: 'How did he die, man?' Michael Ripper: 'Doctor Pepper signed the certificate Natural Causes. But, I should have thought from the look of the poor fellow, he died for fright!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seventeen: <i>The Day The Earth Caught Fire</i>. Edward Judd: 'Listen, your job is to pass messages on, when you're asked!' Janet Munro: 'My job is to do what I'm told by the people who gave me the job and anyway, this isn't my job; I'm from the Pool.' Edward Judd: 'Well, then why don't you dive back in and drown?' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eighteen: <i>The Snorkel</i>. Mandy Miller: 'You think I'm mad, don't you? They all thought I was mad when I said he killed my daddy!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Nineteen: <i>Peeping Tom</i>. Moira Shearer: 'What paper are you from?' Karlheinz Böhm: 'The <i>Observer</i>.'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Twenty: <i>The Mummy</i>. Michael Ripper: 'I've seen the likes tonight that mortal eyes shouldn't look at.' Gerald Lawson: 'You've been around to Molly Grady's again?!'<br />
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Which, as this blogger's fine fiend Tim noted, sounds like the set-up for a Pete and Dud routine. 'The worst job I ever had was ramming a pointy stick into a mummy's cleavage.' <i>Et cetera</i>. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Twenty One: <i>X - The Unknown</i>. Dean Jagger: 'It's a particle of mud, but by virtue of its atomic structure it emits radiation. That's all it is, just mud. How do you kill <i>mud</i>?'<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Twenty Two: <i>The Man Who Could Cheat Death</i>. Hazel Court: 'But George, you just can't stand there and tell me that you're going away and never coming back without giving me an explanation.' Anton Diffring: 'My work makes it necessary.' Hazel Court: 'Because you're a doctor?' Anton Diffring: "Yes. <i>Partly</i>!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Twenty Three: <i>The Trollenberg Terror</i>. Warren Mitchell: 'Well, Alan, for the first time in weeks The Trollenberg is free from clouds.' Forrest Tucker: 'Let's hope it stays that way!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Twenty Four: <i>Daleks - Invasion Earth: 2150 AD</i>. Peter Cushing: 'We'll have to bypass Watford. The place is <i>full of Daleks</i>!' <br />
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Now, dear blog reader, 'if The Kidz are United, we will <i>never</i> be de - <i>click</i> ...'<br />
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So we arrive at the part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's on-going medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the half-life of plutonium, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into New Year 2022 feeling rotten</a>; experienced <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">five days in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more injections</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">continued to suffer fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">a second endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took ages to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">nothing remotely health-related occurred</a>; was given <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">further B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; received more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">received</a> yet more blood tests; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a> for his sick note; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">depressing, ceaseless fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sickie</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">surprising news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">general cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into New Year</a>. There was that '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">getting some new spectacles</a> and this blogger's <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">return to the East End pool</a>. Only to discover he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">genuinely wretched</a>. Experiencing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">a particularly nasty bout of gastroenteritis</a>. Visited by an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>. The 'accidentally going out in my <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">slippers</a>' malarkey. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">dreaded return</a> of the dreaded insomnia and the dreaded return of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/they-dont-know-what-is-what.html">the dreaded fatigue</a>. <br />
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Last week saw the latest of this blogger's tri-monthly prickage in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House arm. And, it did knack like buggery, dear blog reader. As usual. Afterwards, the delightful Nurse Ami and Keith Telly Topping talked films as a way of taking this blogger's mind of the searing pain of the fresh B12 spearing. <i>Oppenheimer</i> (which Nurse Ami hasn't seen yet and wasn't sure that she wanted to but which her husband <i>really</i> wants to), <i>Barbie</i> (which she <i>has</i> seen but this blogger hasn't, yet) and <i>Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning (Part One)</i> (which neither of us have seen but we both want to though it might have to wait till it comes on a streaming platform).<br />
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As <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">previously mentioned</a>, this blogger has been suffering from some <i>really</i> weird and often disturbing dreams of late; last week he experienced another one which, quite literally, dragged him from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House pit and forced him to turn on the PC on and tell the world (or, at least, his four hundred odd <i>Facebook</i> fiends) about it. This blogger was at Gallifrey (the convention that is, <i>not</i> the planet) but, it was very different from how Keith Telly Topping remembered the convention from the <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/h-is-for-home.html">last time he was there</a> in 2014. It was being held in a <i>massive</i> sports stadium, for one and this blogger found himself on-stage because he was doing the last interview of the convention. It was with Colin Baker. Keith Telly Topping introduced Baker in a way that, actually, this blogger probably <i>would</i> introduce Colin Baker if this blogger were to be interviewing him in front of eighty thousand punters ('he has been described, by me, as "The Doctor who, during anniversary specials, all the other Doctors tell to piss off, stand at the back and say nothing!"') This blogger thence proceeded to go through all of the - many - things that are so manifestly wrong with Mister Baker's era and he was, mostly, agreeing with this blogger and, surprisingly, <i>not</i> kicking Keith Telly Topping's heed in (which was more-or-less the point that this blogger knew this was going to be one of <i>those</i> sort of dreams). It was all very convivial and pleasant and the - massive - audience seemed to be enjoying it as much as we were. Then this blogger received a message in his ear that he should wind up the interview, quickly, because something special was going to happen. And then, all of the Doctors (including the four dead ones) came out on stage and started doing a song and dance routine - singing <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va6nPu-1auE">'Vindaloo' by Fat Les</a>. National heartthrob David Tennant was doing the main Keith Allen vocals and the rest were joining in on the shouty bits of the chorus. This blogger recalls thinking 'David, when you sing "We're from England", you <i>do</i> realise that you're <i>not</i> and neither are three of your bandmates?' And then, they all conga'd down off the stage and through the audience still doing the 'Nah-nah-nah/nah-nah-nah/nah-na-na-na-na-na-nah' bit and out of the gaff with the audience dancing and singing after them just like in the video. This blogger was left, alone on the stage with a sweeping brush and was told he had best get to work cos the place had to be ready for the next convention in half-an-hour; it was going to be the <b>Stargate</b> crowd and they're <i>very</i> picky about rubbish being left over from the previous convention. So, there you go Gally organisers, there is a <i>top</i> idea for next February. Of course, you'll have to hire the Pasadena Rose Bowl and hold some sort of witchcraft ceremony to get Mssrs Hartnell, Troughton, Pertwee and Hurt along. But, it <i>has</i> potential. This blogger is going to have to stop eating cheese before he goes to bed. <br />
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'Tennant could totally carry that, though I'd prefer Tom for the "me & me mum & me dad & me gran" bit' noted this blogger's most excellent fiend Carrie. This blogger concurs. <br />
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'Can you help me? I've erred.' 'Well, we've <i>all</i> 'eared, ducky!'<br />
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'My name? Why yes, it's SW Ryder ... Gonna lie down beside ya, fill ya full of junk.' <br />
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Moving on to various recent Us Dinner(s) At The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, last week saw another appearance of Chicken, Mushroom and Sweetcorn Fricassee (with parsley, cumin, oregano and garlic) on the menu.<br />
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The other evening, this blogger <i>really </i>fancied curry, rice and chips, dear blog reader. Sadly, the local takeaway wasn't open for another two hours. That said, whilst this blogger definitely wouldn't wish to hang by his neck for that long, ultimately, in the great scheme of things, two hours isn't <i>that</i> long to wait. Even if you <i>are</i> Hank Marvin.<br />
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The following Thought For The Day appeared on this blogger's <i>Facebook</i> page recently. <br />
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An interesting suggestion as it happens. Though, this blogger found it necessary to point out one minor flaw in the original poster's, otherwise flawless, plan. 'If we stop <i>Facebooking</i> then we won't see this message,' this blogger advised. 'So, shouldn't we also, equally, be thanking God for <i>Facebook</i>? And, you know, the ability of sight. And the ability of speech. Where's it all going to end? " ... And, thank you God, for the garlic pizza bread I had for lunch today"?'<br />
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Also, from <i>Facebook</i>, this blogger noted the following <a href="https://www.vittlesmagazine.com/p/the-hyper-regional-chippy-traditions">link</a> to an article entitled <i>The Hyper-Regional Chippy Traditions Of Britain & Ireland</i>. The first item caused this blogger to post the following: '[This blogger] has lived in Newcastle for fifty nine of the last fifty nine years and [this blogger] has never, not <i>ever</i>, <i>not even once</i> ever <i>heard</i> of Bolognese Chips being 'a thing' as claimed by the lass who is, seemingly, happy to be pictured flashing her knickers off in this piece of (alleged) journalism. Curry and chips? Yes. Gravy and chips? Yes. Garlic mayonnaise and chips? Yes (even though those who eat such a thing are the spawn of Satan and will spend eternity frying in their own juices). Spam fritter and chips. Yes, but, you know <i>spam</i>. <i>This! Will! Not! Stand!</i> <br />
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Media regulator Ofcom (a government appointed quango, elected by no one) has <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-66426544">launched four new investigations</a> into hateful right-wing louse-scum GB News after complaints that the channel broke impartiality rules. Three episodes of shows hosted by Conservative MPs (people who actually <i>were</i> elected to represent their constituents ... and then chose, instead, to get paid for talking scummish bollocks on TV) are being investigated in relation to a rule that politicians can't normally act as news presenters. Programmes hosted by wretched horrorshow (and drag) Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, worthless nobody Philip Davies and that vile and odious McVey Woman are among those being examined. It takes the number of active Ofcom investigations into GB News to seven. The UK media watchdog has a rule which prevents politicians from acting as newsreaders, interviewers or reporters in news programmes 'unless, exceptionally, it is editorially justified.' However, some news networks have argued that their programmes hosted by politicians do not break these rules because they should be classed as 'current affairs' rather than news. Which is a bit like The Club Formerly Known As Moscow Chelski FC spending nearly half-a-billion quid in the January transfer window but managing <i>not</i> to break Financial Fair Play rules by some slippery malarkey involving spreading the payments out over lengthy contract periods. In other words, it might be legal, but it still <i>stinks</i>. In June, Ofcom commissioned research into public attitudes towards such programmes to decide whether the rules should change. On Monday, Ofcom said that it was looking into three editions of GB News programmes in relation to the restrictions on politicians acting as news presenters. They include the 13 June episode of the slappable Mogg's show <b>State Of The Nation</b>, which covered a stabbing in Nottingham. The regulator is also investigating the 12 May episode of <b>Friday Morning With Ester & Phil</b>, which featured issues including a teenager who was being sentenced for terrorism offences. The following day's <b>Saturday Morning With Esther & Phil</b> is <i>also</i> being investigated under the 'politicians as presenters' rule, as well as another rule which states that news must be presented 'with due impartiality.' That episode featured an interview with Howard Cox - the Reform UK Party's candidate for the London mayoral election - who was speaking live from an anti-Ultra Low Emission Zone demonstration. Finally, Ofcom is investigating an episode of that risible loony Laurence Fox's programme from 16 June, when it was being guest-presented by Martin Daubney (no, me neither). That show featured an interview with Reform UK leader Richard Tice and included a discussion about immigration and asylum policy. The regulator said that it was looking into whether the programme broke rules requiring due impartiality to be 'preserved on matters of major political or industrial controversy, or those relating to current public policy and that an appropriately wide range of significant views are included and given due weight.' A spokesman for GB News declined to comment on the investigations. There are three other Ofcom investigations into the channel - relating to Mogg's disgusting excuse for a show, Davies and McVey's disgraceful programme and the channel's <b>Don't Kill Cash</b> campaign. <br />
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<i>From The North</i>'s recommended 'think-piece you might want to consider reading' in this latest bloggerisationism update is Robert Reich's <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/aug/07/will-donald-trump-be-jailed-before-trial"><i>Will Donald Trump Be Jailed Before His Trial?</i></a> in the<i> Gruniad Morning Star</i>. To which the most probable answer is, almost certainly, 'no, but it'd be pure dead funny if he <i>was</i>.' <br />
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Nominations for this week's <i>From The North</i> Headline Of The Week award include the <i>BBC News</i> website's <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-66370646"><i>Boris Johnson's Swimming Pool Plans Threatened By Newts</i></a>. Which is strange, because this blogger always believed invertebrates were amongst Bashing Boris's biggest fans. <br />
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Or, from the same source, <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-lincolnshire-66415545"><i>Joe Pasquale Impaled In Freak Moose Antler Incident In Skegness</i></a>.<br />
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The <i>Shropshire Star</i>'s <i><a href="https://www.shropshirestar.com/news/local-hubs/black-country/2023/08/07/band-with-unfortunate-name-responds-to-awful-coincidence-over-cancelled-crooked-house-gig/">Band With Unfortunate Name Responds To 'Awful Coincidence' Over Cancelled Crooked House Gig</a></i> isn't <i>that</i> remarkable, in and of itself. But the accompanying story, about Sally Rae Morris and Stephen Marks, who perform as Gasoline & Matches, 'addressing the public' over their 'unfortunate band name' after a poster 'went viral in the hours following the destruction of the much-loved pub' is worth its weight in comedy gold. <br />
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There's also the <i>Seattle Times</i>' <a href="https://www.seattletimes.com/business/seattle-psychic-startup-hit-with-copyright-lawsuit-it-never-saw-coming/"><i>Seattle Psychic Startup Hit By Copyright Lawsuit It Never Saw Coming</i></a>. 'Unforseen circumstances', no doubt. <br />
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And, if only for the sake of further supreme irony, the <i>Bournemouth Echo</i>'s <a href="https://www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/news/23695455.anger-insurers-wont-cover-storm-damage-dorset-church/">story</a> about a church having to raise fifty thousand knicker to fix its storm-damaged roof because their insurers don't believe this was 'an act of God' takes some beating. <br />
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A story which is, let us be clear about this, pretty much <i>exactly</i> what the acronym ROTFL&KMLITALOOTROTFMGSA was made for. <br />
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Early last week, dear blog readers, it was <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/world-66371569">reported</a> that NASA had picked up a 'heartbeat' signal from Voyager 2 after it had, previously, lost contact with the probe billions of miles away from Earth. Last month, the spacecraft - exploring the universe, along with its twin Voyager I, since 1977 - tilted its antenna to point two degrees away from Earth after a wrong command was sent by some plank who, one assumes, has since been sacked. As a result, the probe stopped receiving commands or sending data. But on Tuesday, NASA said that a signal from Voyager 2 was picked up during a regular scan of the sky. And then, just a couple of days later, the terrific news was <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-66408851">received</a> that contact had been fully re-established. NASA had originally pinned hopes on the spacecraft resetting itself in October. It took thirty seven hours for mission controllers to figure out if the interstellar command had worked as Voyager 2 is so distant from Earth. Staff used the 'highest-power transmitter' to send a message to the spacecraft and timed it to be sent during 'the best conditions' so the antenna lined up with the command, Voyager project manager Suzanne Dodd told AFP. After communications were lost, the probe had been unable to receive commands or send back data to NASA's Deep Space Network - an array of giant radio antennas across the world. But the space agency confirmed on 4 August that data had been received from the spacecraft and it was operating normally. <br />
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Of course, Voyager II and Voyager I are the spacecraft which contain NASA's famous '<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voyager_Golden_Record">golden record</a>' which will introduce aliens to the sights, the sounds <i>and</i> the smells of Earth. The record contains music including extracts from Mozart's 'The Magic Flute', Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, Stravinsky's 'The Rite Of Spring' and Bach's Brandenburg Concerto - the latter despite Carl Sagan reportedly reacting to the suggestion it be included with 'no, that would just be <i>showing off</i>!' As a particularly memorable episode of <b>The West Wing</b> - <i>The Warfare Of Genghis Khan</i> - <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2HzHSeV9v8">noted</a>, the record also includes 'Dark Was The Night, Cold Was The Ground' by bluesman Blind Willie Johnson who died, penniless, in his forties but whose music has now <i>left the solar system</i>. According to Sagan's book they wanted to include a song by the Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) but thought they'd have trouble licencing anything by Lennon and McCartney given that Northern Songs was owned by Lew Grade at the time. (Sir Lew, subsequently, heard the story and said he'd've been delighted to give them anything they wanted since he knew the value of good publicity better than most). Instead, they chose 'Here Comes The Sun' but when they went to EMI to licence the song they were quoted a price of fifty thousand quid. When Harrison later learned of this, he is said to have sought out Sagan and told he next time, come directly to me. Most famously, the record includes 'Johnny B Goode'. A year after the launch, in 1978 Steve Martin was hosting an episode of the American comedy show <b>Saturday Night Live</b> and announced, in great excitement, that NASA had just received its first message from an alien lifeform; he then held up a mock cover of <i>Time</i> magazine which simply said '<a href="https://voyager.jpl.nasa.gov/news/details.php?article_id=109">send more Chuck Berry</a>!' <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader. 'Old lady, why the hairnets?' 'Oh, The <i>Hair Thieves</i>! Come in the night and <i>steal</i> yer hair, so they do. Sell it into slavery. In Azerbaijan!' <br />
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Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-38150389431755866252023-07-29T20:36:00.006+01:002023-07-30T16:49:44.511+01:00They Don't Know What Is What<div style="text-align: justify;">
Greetings, dearest bloggerisationism readers in the area and welcome, you are, to the latest <i>From The North</i> update. Which begins with a, necessary, observation from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House that, this blogger hopes, may provide some comfort and joy to his - many - dear bloggerisationism fiends in the coming days, weeks and years. Listen, this blogger tries his very best to bring a bit of <i>je ne sais quoi</i> into your, no doubt, tired and emotional lives, just be grateful, okay?<br />
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<i>This</i>, dear blog reader, is a photograph of an area in England sixth largest city, Newcastle Upon Tyne when it <i>isn't</i> raining. Usually in the month of July, that wouldn't be anything particularly extraordinary. But, after the best part of two full weeks with near-persistent deluge, this blogger had to take this image just to remind his very self what dryness actually <i>looks</i> like. <br />
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Someone really did give <a href="https://www.historic-uk.com/CultureUK/St-Swithuns-Day/">Saint Swithun</a> something to cry about on 15 July, seemingly. Frankly, dear blog readers, this blogger has seldom seen weather the like of it. And neither, it would appear, has even the professionals. <br />
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Next time that you get one of those <i>really</i> annoying 'prove that you're not a robot' tick-box thingies when attempting to access a website (in search of some porn, perhaps), it is probably worth bearing <i>this</i> in mind. It makes you think, doesn't it? <br />
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Meanwhile, here is a brief observation from this blog's number one spiritual guru (this blogger refuses to indulge in <i>any</i> spirits unless Guru Peter did so first. Often). 'I don't want to go to the theatre to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction. I can get all <i>that</i> at home.' <br />
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'<b>Doctor Who</b> has unveiled the first look at the remodelled Sonic Screwdriver for Ncuti Gatwa's Doctor,' <a href="https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/tv/doctor-who-s-first-look-at-ncuti-gatwa-s-brand-new-sonic-screwdriver/ar-AA1e6Owe">claimed</a> the world famous <i>Good Housekeeping UK</i> website (no, me <i>neither</i>). And, they had the picture to prove it. And here <i>is</i> The Doctor's new sonic screwdriver, dear blog reader. Or, <i>Millie</i> as most of us call her.<br />
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On the same day, the <i>Digital Spy</i> website (yes, we've heard of them) had, pretty much, <a href="https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/tv/doctor-who-s-first-look-at-david-tennant-s-brand-new-sonic-screwdriver/ar-AA1e5cHR">the same story but with one, necessary, difference</a>. They claimed the screwdriver, in fact, belongs to David Tennant's Doctor as would appear in the forthcoming Sixtieth anniversary episodes. 'The BBC has unveiled both a promo shot and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcJF9F9xT-w">a teaser</a> displaying a glossy silver shade for the device along with some gold trim. The sonic energy glows blue in this revamped Screwdriver,' they stated, somewhat more plausibly than <i>Good Housekeeping UK</i>'s suggestion. And, pure-dead sonic it looks too. <i>Very</i> handy for putting up some shelves in the event of a Cyber invasion of London.</div><div style="text-align: justify;">
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The <i>Torygraph</i> - repulsive politics but, sadly, probably the best-written broadcast current on sale in the UK (it's infinitely preferable to the Middle Class hippy Communist vegan quiche eating shite regularly on offer in the <i>Gruniad</i> and the <i>Indy </i>in terms of prose) - had something of a scoop this week. <i>Sex, Time Travel, Dolls ... There's No Stopping Ncuti Gatwa</i> is, as the title suggests, a reasonably wide-ranging interview with the new Doctor, which you can check out <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/ncuti-gatwa-interview-barbie-doctor-who-sex-education/">here</a> (paywall, notwithstanding). If you're <i>not</i> prepared to sign up to a newspaper which, seemingly, believes that Suella Braverman is anything <i>other</i> than a hateful, wretched, odious excuse for a human being, then segments of the Ncuti interview can be read elsewhere. Use your search engines with considerable glee when looking for them. <br />
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<a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-fans-twelfth-doctor-amy-pond-return-newsupdate/"><i><b>Doctor Who</b> Fans Think [the] Twelfth Doctor, Amy Pond Are Returning</i></a> according to a piece of pure speculation based on nothing more solid than a few fan-wish rumours written by someone of no importance at the <i>Radio Times</i>. Which used to be run by adults. Of course, such a move would not be entirely out of the question in the forthcoming three Sixtieth anniversary episodes and, indeed, were such a thing come to pass this blogger would be exceptionally delighted to welcome back both Smudger and Kazza to the franchise (even if it is likely to be only for a brief cameo). But, this blogger will believe such a conceit only when someone a Hell of a lot more credible than the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults) suggests it. <br />
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'<b>Doctor Who</b> has revealed the return of a classic series villain, forty years after their last appearance, potentially setting up a story in season fourteen,' according to <a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-tegan-mara-villain-return/">a spectacularly over-excited piece</a> on the notoriously 'this lot will believe (and publish) <i>anything</i>' <i>Screen Rant</i> website. 'Although the Sixtieth anniversary specials aren't due to air until November, a brand new <b>Doctor Who</b> webisode, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMgKaTU9-bQ"><i>The Passenger</i></a> written by Pete McTighe, has been released online. Apparently set after the events of <i>The Power Of The Doctor</i>, the mini-episode reunites Tegan (Janet Fielding) and Nyssa (Sarah Sutton) after a mysterious summons brings her to a creepy fairground and a familiar looking blue box.' As mentioned on this blog's <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">most recent update</a>, <i>The Passenger</i> serves mainly (perhaps <i>exclusively</i>) as publicity for the release of the <b>Doctor Who</b> series twenty blu-ray box-set. And, <i>very</i> good it is too. However, <i>Screen Rant</i> then claims (with, absolutely <i>no</i> supporting evidence) that the return of The Mara in <i>The Passenger</i> 'sets up' a series fourteen story. 'Potentially'. Which it <i>might</i> - and, again, nothing would delight this blogger more, as a big fan of The Mara's appearances in <i>Kinda</i> and <i>Snakedance</i> - but, frankly, the article's headline is writing a cheque which the subsequent story simply <i>cannot</i> cash. Once again, dear blog reader, let's just wait and see what tomorrow brings. <br />
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National heartthrob David Tennant has previously said that he didn't go back and watch any of his old episodes in anticipation of his <b>Doctor Who</b> return, but has now explained how he <i>did</i> prepare for the Sixtieth anniversary specials - and it involves his <b>Good Omens</b> co-star and fiend Michael Sheen. In an interview with the pair for the second series of <b>Good Omens</b>, Sheen said he helped Tennant catch up on the years between his Tenth and Fourteenth Doctors by 'acting out key moments' from the intervening years. He told <a href="https://www.inverse.com/entertainment/david-tennant-doctor-who-14th-doctor-preparation"><i>Inverse</i></a>: 'When we were filming <b>Good Omens</b>, I just acted out key moments from the other Doctors in between and <i>that</i> was his research, wasn't it?' Tennant added: '<i>That</i> was enough! Michael's Jodie [Whittaker] is <i>particularly</i> good!' <br />
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The <b>Strange New Worlds</b> episode <i>Lost In Translation</i>: 'Don't punch any more officers till I get back!' That was <i>funny</i>. Not as funny as the previous week's laugh-a-thon (<i>Charades</i>), admittedly. But, still, pretty funny.<br />
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<b>Strange New Worlds</b>:<i> Those Old Scientists</i>. '<i>DON'T TOUCH THE BUTTONS</i>!' was, happily, <i>another</i> really funny one (three in a row for those taking notes). This blogger <i>thoroughly</i> enjoyed that forty three minutes of his life which he'll never get back. 'Does he <i>always</i> laugh or is this new?' But, of course, there is this musical thingy coming up. Which isn't <i>real</i> <b>Star Trek</b> (apparently) and we should probably all start practicing getting all sour-faced and irritable. Cos, <i>nothing</i> looks better on Middle-Aged fan-type-persons than getting sour faced and irritable, right? <br />
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The next <b>Strange New Worlds</b> episode, <i>Under The Cloak Of War</i>, on the other hand was <i>not</i> a funny one. Not even close, really. And, that was a <i>good</i> thing. 'The Federation believes everyone deserves a second chance.' Racism, PTSD and living a long-term lie are all subjects that have been dealt with in various <b>Star Trek</b> ways previously. But this particular conceit felt rather different. Harder. More visceral. 'Some things break in a way that can never be repaired again.' No songs though, which was a somewhat disappointing. 'Give Peace A Chance' or a bit of Culture Club's simplistic take on war being 'stupid' would've fitted in there like ... I dunno, a wet sock on a shower-rail. So, an opportunity missed, one could suggest. <br />
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If you're looking for this week's <i>From The North</i> recommendation for a thoroughly worthwhile online read, dear blog reader, Keith Telly Topping recommends you check out Jonathan Wood's splendid piece <a href="http://www.randallandhopkirk.culttv.uk/features_seeing_things.htm"><i>How Did We Start Seeing Things? - <b>Randall & Hopkirk</b>'s Journey To Your Living Room</i></a> at the excellent <i>Randall & Hopkirk Declassified</i> website. It's <i>really</i> good. <br />
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Which brings us, as if by osmosis, to Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Three: <i>Doctor Terror's House of Horrors</i>. Christopher Carlos: 'You wrote down the sacred music of the great God Dwambala!' Roy Castle: 'It could be a hit, make a fortune. If you wrote it, we could go fifty-fifty?' Christopher Carlos: 'It belongs to the God Dwambala! Known only to his own people for centuries.' Roy Castle: 'Oh well, if it's <i>that</i> old then it's out of copyright!' A work of a twenty four carat <i>genius</i>, dear blog readers! You know <i>that</i>, right? <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Four: <i>Night Of The Eagle</i>. Janet Blair: 'I'm sure you're convinced I'm quite insane.' Peter Wyngarde: 'I'm not convinced about <i>anything</i>. If we were to investigate all the strange rituals performed by women based on their so-called intuition, half the female population would be in asylums. I don't know what to think!' Well, <i>that</i> one has aged really well, hasn't it? <br />
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This blogger's excellent fiend Nick recalled, in connection with Peter Wyngarde, a rather unpleasant online run-in he had with an notorious <i>uber</i>-fan of the late and much-admired actor some time ago. This blogger had to confess to Nick that he, too, was aware of this individual and had, himself, felt the wrath of their own, particular, bombast. We had some (minor) interaction when this blogger wrote his - this blogger felt, rather decent - <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.co.uk/2018/01/the-jason-of-cool-peter-wyngarde.html">obituary for Peter</a> after his death in 2018. This blogger got a rather terse note from the fan-type person in question saying that whilst they had 'enjoyed' the obituary, the biographical information which this blogger had included as one paragraph was 'simply drawn from <i>Wikipedia</i>' which, according to the gate-keeping fan-type person, was 'not cool.' This blogger replied - at his leisure - that a) Keith Telly Topping had gathered the biographical information he used from, broadly, the same sources that <i>Wiki</i> had used, including text links to the majority of them; b) even if this blogger <i>had</i> taken the information from there, so what, that is what <i>Wikipedia</i> is <i>for</i> after all, it's a free online resource, mostly fact-checked and with citations on where they got their information from; c) <i>From The North</i> is a non-profit blog which this blogger writes in his - increasingly limited - spare time, if he is writing something and <i>getting paid for it</i>, he'll do things differently; and, d) if this individual disliked that aspect of the piece so much then they were perfectly at liberty to leave <i>From The North</i> and never come back (only, you know, in less words than that). Curiously, this blogger never heard from said fan-type individual again. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Five: <i>The Masque Of The Red Death</i>. David Weston: 'You're a mad man!' Vincent Price: 'Yet I will live and you will die. Where is your God now?!' As someone (this blogger forgets whom for the moment) once wrote, the 'most colourful and least boring' movie ever made. Oh, hang on, it was <a href="https://telos.co.uk/shop/film/a-vault-of-horror-cs/">this blogger</a> all the time, wasn't it? Silly me. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Six: <i>Horrors Of The Black Museum</i>. Michael Gough: 'No woman can hold her tongue. They're a vicious, unreliable breed!' Yeah, <i>that one</i> hasn't aged very well, either. Still, as a genuine bonus, at least no crass whinging whinger whinged at length about this blog's <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.co.uk/2011/03/michael-gough-another-giant.html">obituary of the late Michael Gough</a> when it appeared in 2011. Small victories and all that. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Seven: <i>Night Of The Demon</i>. Dana Andrews: 'I see you practice white magic as well as black?' Niall MacGinnis: 'Oh yes, I don't think it would be too amusing for the youngsters if I conjured up a demon from Hell for them!' Another particular chilling favourite of this blogger. <br />
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Of course, with the utter inevitably of the utterly inevitable, this blogger posting that Memorably Daft moment onto <i>Facebook</i> led to a lengthy discussion about the lyrics of <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=I2znSLUji9k">'Science Fiction Double Feature'</a> in which <i>Night of The Demon</i> and its star are alluded to. It <i>had</i> to happen, dear blog reader, you'd expect nothing less on this blogger's <i>Facebook</i> page and from this blogger's immensely marvellous <i>Facebook</i> fiends and their saucy ways.<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eight: <i>Behemoth, The Sea Monster</i>. Gene Evans: 'I feel Admiral, what we're facing is a marine animal of tremendous size and strength.' Lloyd Lamble: 'Do you mean to believe that a whale could've smashed through steel plates so high above the water line?' Gene Evans: 'I didn't say a whale.' André Morell: 'Behemoth?' Gene Evans: 'That's as good a name as any for now.' <i>KLAAK!!!</i> <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Nine: <i>Doctor Who & The Daleks</i>. Peter Cushing: 'There, my latest invention.' Roy Castle: 'What? A Police Box?' Well, <i>that</i> idea will never catch on.<br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Ten: <i>The Body Stealers</i>. Allan Cuthbertson: 'Gentlemen, if full details of your plan could be on my desk by this evening, I'm sure the Minister would be most grateful.' Robert Flemyng: 'Full details? <i>That's</i> a tall order.' George Sanders: 'Yes, but it sounded <i>like</i> an order all the same!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Eleven: <i>Village Of The Damned</i>. Martin Stephens: 'I don't think you're going to ... London, father!' <i>Masterpiece</i>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxSvm3keA5QWuO0he2dJ8DEjtpU43YWTmoQDZjnLPq48jXtqwu_qJGN7l2t799dsisNHu5KXKyVqK1fd6LIifSOLMYIuBXClVP7ppbN6ffnTgUSR1HhsTjNgR4MpzIhk2heXHVbmFznqjaOSBhpTjD24ZYreYBAhXs9CIwAxoM6ZTSxrfOtQ/s800/village%20of%20the%20damned.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="521" data-original-width="800" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxSvm3keA5QWuO0he2dJ8DEjtpU43YWTmoQDZjnLPq48jXtqwu_qJGN7l2t799dsisNHu5KXKyVqK1fd6LIifSOLMYIuBXClVP7ppbN6ffnTgUSR1HhsTjNgR4MpzIhk2heXHVbmFznqjaOSBhpTjD24ZYreYBAhXs9CIwAxoM6ZTSxrfOtQ/s320/village%20of%20the%20damned.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s (or, in this case, 1971). Number Twelve: <i>Quest For Love</i>. Denholm Elliott: 'You and your wars. What war is this?' Tom Bell: 'The Americans. The Viet Kong.' Denholm Elliott: 'I'm sorry, I really don't know what you're talking about. As far as I'm concerned you need drying out again. For God's sake don't let her down tonight.' Tom Bell: 'Let <i>who</i> down?' Luscious, pouting Joan Collins of course, Tom. You <i>really</i> don't want to let her down, the audience will <i>never</i> forgive you. One of the most under-rated films ever made.<br />
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'Never heard of this one. Good cast, though,' said this blogger's lovely fiend, Jan, said in relation to <i>Quest For Love</i>. This blogger was happy to inform her that it was a quite brilliant, lushly romantic 1971 adaptation of John Wyndham's parallel universe short story <i>Random Quest</i>. And, that it is, happily <a href="youtube.com/watch?v=Zpn52En4E-I">extremely available online</a> especially for her as an early Christmas present. <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Thirteen: <i>Fire Maidens From Outer Space</i>. Anthony Dexter: 'Based on what we've learned, the possibility of life as we know it exists only on the thirteenth moon!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Fourteen: <i>The Haunting</i>. Julie Harris: 'Haven't you noticed how nothing in this house seems to move until you look away and then you just catch something out of the corner of your eye?' Claire Bloom: 'God! Whose hand was I holding?' <br />
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Some of this blogger's most excellent <i>Facebook</i> fiends <i>did</i> query whether this particular piece of dialogue - and, indeed, some of the others featured in this semi-regular feature - were, necessarily, 'daft', <i>per se</i>. To which this blogger could only reply: 'Something can, of course, be memorable, terrifying, funny, sarcastic, sinister, egregious, soporific, faux naïf, byzantine, moist, onomatopoeic, namby-pamby, soft, dangerous, dastardly, intelligentsia-baiting, horrible, apoplectic or zany and, yet, <i>still</i> be daft.' Daft is as daft does, dear blog reader. <br />
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Now, dear blog reader, here are <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RQz8YuNNcU&fbclid=IwAR11eFWCpdTFgjLR5A7LQ5AzRRBqWUsUaRu1wS4LPGjfQZHL1qDAP1Pyyt4">the greatest forty four seconds in the history of television</a>. Bar none. It's the unflappable '... when the Governor, there, you can see her' that makes it <i>art</i>. Sadly, we just don't know what the late Googly Withers made it it all (or, indeed, if she sorted out the 'bit of bother' going on in her jail for that matter).<br />
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The temptation to run yer actual Keith Telly Topping's then newly taken passport photo through FaceApp (it was 'a thing' that all of The Cool Kids were doing, apparently) was, seemingly, too great a temptation for at least one Keith Telly Topping's <i>Facebook</i> fiends a couple of years ago. Which proved, dear blog reader, that Keith Telly Topping's science-fiction twin sister is ... Diane Morgan, seemingly (<i>if</i> she'd been on the cakes for a few months, that is). This blogger doesn't know about anyone else but, this blogger <i>definitely</i> would. <br />
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The usual Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House weekly shopping tends to be done on a Monday, or a Tuesday (or, sometimes, a Wednesday, if this blogger has been feeling poorly on one or both of the first two) and involves, in most cases, a bus trip to Byker, a short pool visit, this blogger stopping off at the bank to get some coin out and then having breakfast at Morrisons before collecting his groceries and getting back to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House as soon as the bus will carry him. And then, that's usually him done for the week. Occasionally, though, this blogger may need a few urgent perishables and so, if (and only if) he is feeling up to it, he will limp down to the bus stop and have a short ride in the opposite direction to ALDI on Walker Road. One day last week was just such a day as this blogger found his very self in desperate need of bread, milk, Pringles, Satay chicken on a stick and a bag of jelly beans for those who are taking notes (that is not this blogger's <i>entire</i> diet, admittedly, dear blog reader. But, sometimes, it's frighteningly close). On getting to the gaff, this blogger was delighted to discover that his local ALDI has charged, bravely, head-first into the second-half of the Twentieth Century and installed four self-service tills a mere but twenty years after just about every other supermarket <i>in the world</i> did so. You <i>have</i> to wonder what's taken them so long. Were they frightened of The Inevitable Advance Of The Machines, perhaps? That was, nevertheless, the quickest bit of shopping this blogger has done at ALDI in 'kin years, so good for them.<br />
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And so we arrive at that part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's on-going medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the decline and fall of the Roman Empire, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into New Year 2022 feeling rotten</a>; experienced <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">five days in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more injections</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">continued to suffer fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">a second endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took ages to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">nothing remotely health-related occurred</a>; was given <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">further B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; received more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">received</a> yet more blood tests; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a> for his sick note; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">depressing, ceaseless fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sickie</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">surprising news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">general cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into New Year</a>. There was that '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">getting some new spectacles</a> and this blogger's <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">return to the East End pool</a> after over a year of constant inactivity. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">genuinely wretched</a>. Experiencing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">a particularly nasty bout of gastroenteritis</a>. Getting a visit from a very pleasant and actually quite helpful <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>, the 'accidentally going out in my <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">slippers</a>' malarkey and the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/those-who-find-themselves-ridiculous.html">dreaded return</a> of the dreaded insomnia. <br />
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This blogger has no idea what's been up with him in terms of the fatigue situation over the past couple of weeks - the regular insomnia doesn't help matters, of course - but Keith Telly Topping has been getting <i>far</i> more tired during the daytime than he usually does (something that he didn't think was even <i>possible</i>, frankly); to such an extent that one day last week, this blogger <i>twice</i> was forced to go back to bed for an hour (firstly around ten o'clock in the morning then, again, about three in the afternoon). One midday-or-thereabouts nap per day isn't <i>that</i> unusual at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House (in fact, it's becoming a regular occurrence), but <i>two</i> seemed then and still seems like an over-indulgence. <br />
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Mind you, dear blog reader, this blogger's affliction's are but <i>nothing</i> compared to the hand that what some poor people have had dealt to them. So, here is some useful advice for all those affected by such terrible malarkey. This blogger hopes you all get the help you, seemingly, so desperately need. <br />
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This blogger's general temper and well-being was not exactly helped by some ridiculous postal fun-and-games he had to put up with over this current weekend. Keith Telly Topping received an e-mail on Friday informing him that his bi-monthly package of medications from Pharmacy2U, would be delivered to The Stately Telly Topping Manor the following day between 9.30am and 12.30pm. On Saturday morning, this blogger was up bright and early (as usual) and, mid-morning, he received a further e-mail telling him that his package <i>had</i> been delivered. Which it hadn't. At least, this blogger didn't think it had. Keith Telly Topping thus went downstairs to see if the package had been merely left on the Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House doorstep (which he would have been <i>very</i> angry about if it had been). But, it hadn't. Checking the e-mail again, this blogger noted that Royal Mail had provided photographic proof of the alleged delivery at a house with a black front door. The only problem there, of course, is that The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House does not have a black front door but, rather, a <i>red</i> one. A <i>necessary</i> difference, one feels. Of course, typically, the Royal Mail website is about as useful as a chocolate fireguard in such circumstances, informing anyone that <i>hasn't</i> received a package they believe they should have that they must contact <i>the sender</i> (in this case Pharmacy2U) so that <i>they</i> can then chase up the situation with Royal Mail. Which is a bit like having a dog and barking oneself, frankly. And, of course, both the Royal Mail <i>and</i> Pharmacy2U's support and complaints departments only work Monday to Friday. So, queue an entire day of this blogger gurning and cursing and, generally, being about as hopping mad as ... a <i>very</i> hopping mad thing. Ooo, this blogger was pure dead <i>vexed</i> and jolly cross indeed. In fact, his mad was <i>right up</i>, so it was dear blog reader. It was, trust this blogger, a sight to see. And then, literally, just as this blogger was writing the above telling all of you lot about what a right shite state of affairs this was, a knock came on the (red) front door of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. And, a couple of very nice chaps who live at an address several streets away, were outside with this blogger's package which had been delivered to their address in error. All of which goes to prove three things, dear blog reader. Royal Mail Parcelforce employs at least <i>one</i> brain damaged moron or the victim of a cruel medical experiment who, seemingly, cannot tell the difference between two wholly dissimilar addresses (something of a prerequisite for that particular job, on could argue). There's also the fact that if you're a public service organisation, having a 'support team' is about as useful as something that isn't even <i>slightly</i> useful if the support that your customers requires happens to be over a <i>weekend</i> when you guys are not working. And thirdly, happily, there are some people who are just <i>nice</i>. Which <i>is</i> comforting to know. <br />
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Last Saturday, for us dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, thanks were due to this blogger's lovely fiend Candy-Jay for suggesting Chicken Supreme (although, technically, since this blogger used some sweetcorn instead of mushrooms, it was more of a Chicken <i>Fricassee</i>). Method: Boil some Basmati rice for around twenty to twenty five minutes. Whilst that's going on, cook one tin of ASDA chunky chicken (other options <i>are</i> available), one small tin of Green Giant sweetcorn, some chicken pieces if available, a small amount of cream if required (mainly if the sauce starting to get too thick), ground black pepper, some crushed parsley, oregano, cumin, one small chopped onion or shallot (this blogger didn't have one to hand so he used onion salt granules instead) and, if desired, four small, chopped mushrooms. Cook for approximately twenty minutes. Drain the rice. Heap into a medium-sized bowl. Keep enough rice and chicken sauce in the pan for a second helping at teatime. Serve. And then, try not to spill any on your new laptop whilst eating cos that would be a <i>real</i> personal disaster. <br />
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Exactly one week later, dear blog reader and the heat was very much <i>on</i> at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. And so, for that matter, was a Pukka Pie. And, <i>extremely</i> pukka it was, if you're interested. <br />
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Now, dear blog reader, here's <i>From The North</i>'s <a href="https://amp.majorcadailybulletin.com/news/local/2023/07/25/115401/britons-can-get-enough-crumpet-mallorca.html">Headline Of The Week</a>. It's a cracker, isn't it? <br />
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Though the Sky News website's <a href="https://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/uknews/thief-who-stole-200-000-cadbury-creme-eggs-is-jailed/ar-AA1e8gxI"><i>Thief Who Stole Two Hundred Thousand Cadbury Creme Eggs Is Jailed</i></a> runs that a close second. Bloody right, too. Hanging someone up by their codlings until they <i>beg</i> for mercy is a more suitable punishment for such a heinous crime. <br />
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As for <i>Birmingham World</i>'s <a href="https://uk.news.yahoo.com/couple-spotted-having-sex-top-120228490.html?guccounter=1"><i>Couple Spotted "Having Sex" On Top Deck Of A Birmingham Bus</i></a>, dear blog reader, <i>only</i> in Britain's second city. A couple, reportedly, left onlookers 'stunned' - <i>and</i> shocked, no doubt - after they were 'filmed appearing to have sex on the top deck of a bus in broad daylight.' The pair were 'spotted romping' on the back of the National Express West Midlands service as it drove past Northfield Leisure Centre in Birmingham. There's nowhere near enough uses of the word '<i>romping</i>' in the media these days, don't you think, dear blog reader? A woman can be seen 'gyrating and bouncing up and down' on the lap of a man on the backseat while other passengers sit just several feet away. A shocked - <i>and</i> stunned - witness can be heard repeatedly saying 'what?' as the bus passed along the busy Bristol Road South. Yeah, that's no woman. That'll be David Tennant. Probably. Footage of 'the over-amorous pair's antics,' obtained by <i>Birmz Is Grime</i> (no, me neither), has since been viewed and shared thousands of times since being uploaded to social media. Mainly by people with nothing better to do with their time. One web user commented: 'She's got a ticket to ride and she don't care.' Which, actually, <i>is</i> quite funny, admittedly. Well done, you. <br />
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And, finally, dear blog reader ... <br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-88878614841870277182023-07-17T20:57:00.004+01:002023-07-30T16:48:21.479+01:00"Those Who Find Themselves Ridiculous, Sit Down Next To Me"<div style="text-align: justify;">
This blogger would like to thank <i>all</i> dear blog readers who recently attended the annual <i>From The North</i> get-together. It was, as you can see from <i>this</i> photographic evidence, quite a night. <br />
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Truth be told, dear blog fiends, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has been in something of a strange, discombobulated state for the couple of weeks since <i>From The North</i> <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/07/cosmic-things.html">last received a necessary bloggerisationisms update</a>. Wavering, as it has, somewhere between the great Milton Reid in <i>Doctor Phibes Rises Again</i> (after he's had that metal blot shot through both ears) and the mad-bad crazed axe murderer outside The Front Door in that <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Dv8eOXj9eI">extremely odd 1970s public information film</a>. With little stop over between the two on more occasions than this blogger is entirely comfortable with. <br />
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Mind you, dear blog reader, it could (as with many aspects of this blogger's current state of play) have been much worse. Or much better depending on which way you look at it. Take, for instance, this chap who not only has what sounds like the greatest job title imaginable but, also, appears to be proof of the existence of nominative determinism. After all, which beaver ranger can ever resist telling the world all about their beaver ranging activities via <i>Twitter</i>? (Other social media platforms <i>are</i> available, of course. Much the <i>chagrin</i> of Elon Musk. Which is <i>funny</i>.) <br />
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Also, the necessary follow-up question here - does this mean that the collective noun for beaver rangers actually <i>is</i> a beaver patrol? Cos <i>that</i> would be wrong on, like, <i>so many levels</i>. <br />
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Since this blogger last had occasion to speak unto the multitude, dear blog fiends, one of the big news story doing the rounds has been that jolly fascinating Nigel Farage chaps <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/nigel-farage-eu-rules-bank-b2376094.html">having some problems with his bank</a>. Well, we've <i>all</i> been there, Nige. Though, admittedly, most of us have received a fairly sympathetic hearing from our bank manager before getting told to piss off and never darken their door again. Was it something you <i>said</i>, do you think? <br />
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There's also, of course, been the whole - still unresolved at the time of writing - Huge Edwards fiasco. Which this blogger has <i>no</i> intention of touching with a bargepole - oh no, <i>very</i> hot water. Except to say that there is a pretty comprehensive 'who said what, when and to whom' article on how the story unfolded across its first six days written by the <i>BBC News</i> website's Jemma Crews and Ian Youngs which you can read at your leisure <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-66186358">here</a>, dear blog reader. It raises as many questions as it answers but it's still admirably balanced. There has also been the fall-out of at least two BBC male presenters who found themselves, entirely wrongly, accused of all manner of nefarious skulduggery on social media in the wake of the <i>Sun</i>'s original - troublemaking - article. Both of which you can read about <a href="https://news.sky.com/story/huw-edwards-allegations-twitter-user-who-falsely-named-jeremy-vine-as-accused-bbc-star-agrees-to-donate-1k-to-charity-12922259">here</a> and <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/media/2023/jul/10/nicky-campbell-notifies-police-after-being-falsely-identified-in-bbc-presenter-scandal">here</a>. So, as this blogger previously noted, <i>From The North</i> has no intention of covering <i>any</i> aspect of this sad tale of whispers and innuendo. <i>From The North</i> is a news blog about the entertainment industry, dear blog readers (amongst several other things). When there actually <i>is</i> any 'news' to report in this matter - as opposed to ill-informed (or uninformed) crass <i>sneering</i> - this blog may report it. But, this blogger would advise you not to hold your collective breath on <i>that</i> score. <br />
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As widely reported in the UK media (take, for instance, those Middle Class hippy Communists at <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/doctor-who-ncuti-gatwa-russell-t-davies-b2376389.html">the <i>Indy</i></a>) Russell Davies has shared a picture of himself and the rest of the production crew on the <b>Doctor Who</b> set, announcing that filming for the forthcoming fourteenth series of the BBC's popular, long-running family SF drama has ended. In the photo, shared to his <i>Instagram</i> page, Big Rusty poses in front of the TARDIS. He captioned his post with the celebratory words: 'That's a wrap!' Actually, that's a space-and-time machine disguised as a late 1950s Police Telephone Box with a load of people standing in front of it, but Big Rusty was clearly emotional at the time so we'll excuse him his small <i>faux-pas</i>. <br />
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As he says goodbye to <b>Sex Education</b> and makes his Hollywood debut in <i>Barbie</i>, Ncuti Gatwa is ready to embark on a journey through time and space as The Doctor. You knew <i>that</i>, right? In a lengthy and wide-ranging <a href="https://www.rollingstone.co.uk/tv/ncuti-gatwa-interview-doctor-who-barbie-31011/">cover interview</a> with <i>Rolling Stain</i> magazine, Ncuti talks about identifying with one of TV's most-loved characters and how he plans to reinvent the iconic role. <br />
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Lots of new photos of Ncuti have been appearing in the media of late including this <i>superb</i> shot from the forthcoming series of <b>Doctor Who</b> which is pure <i>tasty</i> on all sorts of levels. Nice hat too. <br />
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Albeit, the silver hotpants and black socks with boots ensemble he wore to the <i>Barbie</i> premiere took a little bit more getting used to. But, again, nice hat! <br />
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One of the items Ncuti discussed in the <i>Rolling Stone</i> interview was picked up on, again, by wide sections of the media. The <a href="https://www.doctorwhotv.co.uk/ncuti-gatwa-two-seasons-as-the-doctor-98636.htm">confirmation</a> that he will play The Doctor for at least two series though, his future beyond that point remains uncertain at this time. In the interview, Ncuti revealed plans to return to the theatre in 2024, after wrapping up the filming of his second series of <b>Doctor Who</b>. '[Theatre] kept me warm and it held me all night, even if I was broke. But I'm planning on getting back to it next year, after I finish season two of <b>Doctor Who</b>.' Ncuti also offered hints about his interpretation of the character: 'My Doctor is emotionally vulnerable. He hides it with humour, but he's lonely. I can't say much more than that; I don't want to spoil anything. But he's also energetic! The poor cameramen struggled to keep up.' Furthermore, Ncuti disclosed that his Doctor will sport a wide variety of outfits: 'almost a different one each week.' We've already seen a few of them from location filming, of course. Ncuti related deeply with the Doctor's backstory of surviving a devastating war, a plot element that he equates with his own experience of fleeing the Rwandan genocide with his family as a child: 'This person survived a genocide. This person fits in everywhere and nowhere. I <i>am</i> The Doctor. The Doctor is me. I decided that I had to get this role.' Ncuti concluded by admitting he spent a week watching every <b>Doctor Who</b> episode of the post-2005 series, stating: 'I fell in love with it.' Well, a lot of it <i>is</i> very good, after all. <br />
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Things we learned from a recent episode of <i>From The North</i>'s favourite podcast <a href="https://www.kermodeandmayo.com/"><i>Kermode & Mayo's Take</i></a>. Number one: The broadcasting legend - and all-round nice guy - that is Simon Mayo (MBE) was, at the time, seemingly unaware of the correct pronunciation of Ncuti (saying 'Un-cuty' as opposed to the correct <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o16_t55uwI">'Shoo-te'</a> when reading out an e-mail concerning the forthcoming series of <b>Doctor Who</b>). This blogger <i>did</i> drop the production a quick message to point this out in best 'pedant's corner' style (noting that Mark and Simon will need to know the correct way to say the name very soon when Ncuti rocks up in the forthcoming <i>Barbie</i> movie). Sadly, this blogger didn't get an e-mail read out on the podcast for the fourth time(!) However, he is certain when Simon next has cause to take the new Doctor's name in vain, he'll have got the pronunciation spot on. <br />
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<b>Doctor Who</b> and the <i>Barbie</i> movie were given a crossover that we never knew we needed, last week. The highly anticipated big-screen adaptation is due to finally hit cinemas soon and to celebrate its arrival, a pink TARDIS popped up in London. Sharing a picture of The Doctor's time machine's new makeover by the River Thames, Warner Bros' official <i>Instagram</i> account wrote: 'A pink TARDIS from @BBC<b>DoctorWho</b> has landed on the banks of Tower Bridge.' <br />
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Of course, when someone at the <i>BBC News</i> website did <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/newsbeat-66184513?at_link_id=06718238-2185-11EE-B5AD-3014D99D5CC3&at_medium=social&at_bbc_team=editorial&at_ptr_name=twitter&at_campaign=Social_Flow&at_link_origin=BBCNews&at_campaign_type=owned&at_format=link&at_link_type=web_link">a piece</a> on the <i>Barbie</i> marketing campaign (including the pink TARDIS) and asked, quite innocently, 'why are we all obsessed with <i>Barbie</i>' and this got shared on<a href="https://twitter.com/BBCNews/status/1679523087761514497"> <i>Twitter</i></a> and <i>Facebook</i>, more than a handful of cheerless fek-faced tossers replied with variations of 'well, <i>I'm not</i>.' As though that, somehow, made them <i>special</i>. Do you guys want a sodding <i>medal</i> or what? Jesus, dear blog reader, <b>Doctor Who</b> fandom. Don't you sometimes wish someone would put a bloody big <i>bomb</i> under the entirety of it (this blogger and this blog very much included) and set the bugger off? <br />
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National heartthrob David Tennant made what has been <a href="https://uk.news.yahoo.com/david-tennant-savagely-roasts-alex-195741375.html">described</a> as 'a brutal quip' at Alex Jones' expense during an appearance on <b>The ONE Show</b>. But was, actually, nothing of the sort. David was invited onto the BBC series alongside his friend Michael Sheen, with whom he stars in series two of <i>From The North</i> favourite <b>Good Omens</b>. David and Michael were interviewed about the new episodes, which are set to be released on 28 July, when Tennant's forthcoming <b>Doctor Who</b> return was addressed by hosts Jones and Jermaine Jenas. To think, this blogger is old enough to remember when young Jermaine was a highly promising box-to-box goalscoring midfielder for this blogger's beloved Magpies. Until he got tired of 'living in a goldfish bowl' on Tyneside and pissed off to Tottingham Hotshots. The amusing chant of 'one-nil to The Goldfish Bowl' (and numerous variants) became something of a regular feature of Newcastle-versus-Spurs matches over the next few seasons, let it be recalled. Anyway, this blogger digresses. Jermaine told David that his co-star Cat Tate was also recently on <b>The ONE Show</b>. 'We spoke to her about it and she said it was like slipping back into a comfy pair of slippers - was it the same for you?' Jenas asked. David replied: 'Yeah, I mean fifteen years is quite a long time and you do worry you won't be able to run fast enough anymore.' Jones - she of the paint-stripping Welsh screech and frequently <i>stupid</i> questions - couldn't contain her surprise at the length of time which has passed since Tennant first played The Doctor, shrieking: 'Is it <i>fifteen years ago</i>? It's not, David - it can't be.' To which David replied: 'No, you're a lot older than you think you are!' Hardly the 'brutal quip' described by some Middle Class hippy Communist of no consequence at the <i>Indy</i> who, frankly, wouldn't know a properly 'brutal quip' unless it punched him, hard, in the mush and gave him a fat lip. Jones put her head into her hands as Jenas, Sheen and Tennant's fellow guests, including Nicole Kidman and Zoe Saldaña, laughed. <i>A lot</i>. 'That's depressing,' Jones replied whilst <i>still</i> being laughed at. <br />
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Three new <b>Doctor Who</b> books are to be published in the coming months; it has been <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-60th-anniversary-books-newsupdate/">confirmed</a> that the the trio of sixtieth anniversary specials will be turned into novelisations. <i>The Star Beast</i> by this blogger's excellent fiend Gary Russell, <i>Wild Blue Yonder</i> by Mark Morris and <i>The Giggle</i> by James Goss will join the Target range in January 2024. Each book will also have specially commissioned artwork by Anthony Dry. The plots for each special are still being kept under wraps, of course, but we do know that they're being broadcast in November and that they will see the return of national heartthrob David Tennant and Catherine Tate. You all knew <i>that</i>, right? <br />
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<b>Doctor Who</b> has given us a reunion between companions Tegan and Nyssa to promote the forthcoming Blu-ray release of series twenty. The series, which was originally broadcast in 1983, focuses on Peter Davison's Doctor and the new home release has been previewed with <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a44541762/doctor-who-tegan-nyssa-reunion-blu-ray/">a thirteen-minute clip</a>. Written by Pete McTighe, the mini-episode features Tegan (Janet Fielding) in the present day as she receives a mysterious text on her phone mentioning a 'blue box.' Tegan then heads to a fairground, where she meets her old fiend Nyssa (Sarah Sutton), who declares: 'It's been a long time!' before the pair emotionally embrace. Because, genuinely, there is not a text in existence which can't be improved by lezzing it up a bit. Nyssa tells Tegan that she 'hitched a ride', before we see the TARDIS. Nyssa reveals that The Doctor wants to see her. Tegan replies: 'Which one? Scarf or celery, or woman?' Good line. Tegan then enters the TARDIS, where she encounters The Mara (from <i>Kinda </i>and <i>Snakedance</i>), who tries to tempt her with her deepest desires. Which Tegan refuses. There's an 'are you trying to tempt me?'/'I come from a land down under' joke in there somewhere if anyone cares to go searching for it. Fans are then given a preview of the nine-disc Blu-ray collection (available for pre-order now), including a special feature in which Davison, Fielding and Sutton go on a European road trip together. Also included is a new ninety-minute version of <i>The Five Doctors</i> anniversary special, as well as seven new episodes of <i>Behind The Sofa</i> with the likes of Davison, Colin Baker (The Rubbish Doctor) and Sylvester McCoy. Tegan last appeared in Jodie Whittaker's final episode <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html"><i>The Power Of The Doctor</i></a> last year, cameoing alongside Sophie Aldred's Ace. And she was <i>great</i> in it. Nyssa last appeared in 1984's <i>Terminus</i>. And, speaking of which ... <br />
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Writer Stephen Gallagher has revealed why he doesn't want to return to <b>Doctor Who</b>, saying that newer voices should be heard on the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama. Not that a single person has suggested with any seriousness that there was any likelihood of Stephen returning to the franchise in the first place. But that didn't stop some smear of no importance at the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by <i>adults</i>) from getting paid for writing an utterly <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-writer-no-return-exclusive-newsupdate/"><i>nothing</i> article</a> about this very subject. Gallagher, who recently revisited his 1981 story <i>Warriors' Gate</i> - a particular favourite of this blogger - for a new novelisation also wrote the previously mentioned four-parter <i>Terminus</i> which wrote out Nyssa's character (less impressive than <i>Warriors' Gate</i> but still a solid and impressive space station drama about a leprosy-type virus). This blogger interviewed Stephen twice in the late 1980s and found him a thoroughly nice chap and a very good writer whose TV work also includes <b>Chimera</b>, <b>Bugs</b>, <b>Oktober</b> and <b>Silent Witness</b>. <br />
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Numerous past <b>Doctor Who</b> cast members gathered to pay tribute to Patrick Troughton as a plaque was unveiled in his honour at his former school. The <b>Doctor Who</b> Appreciation Society, the show's long-running fan club, collaborated with Mill Hill School in London to place the plaque at the school's Patrick Troughton Theatre. Sylvester McCoy, Sophie Aldred and Frazer Hines were among those pictured in attendance to celebrate the actor. Carole Ann Ford, Hugh Fraser and Michael Jayston and director Graeme Harper were also among those attending, alongside Troughton's children Joanna and Michael. McCoy shared a picture of himself with the plaque, <a href="https://twitter.com/4SylvesterMcCoy/status/1680823802240933888">tweeting</a>: 'Respect.' Troughton, of course, took over from William Hartnell as The Doctor in 1966, leaving the series himself in 1969. He went on to reprise the role several times before his death in 1987. It is claimed that Hartnell approved of the choice, saying: 'There's only one man in England who can take over.' Patrick, himself, liked to joke that he replied: 'But sadly, he couldn't do it so they got <i>me</i> instead!' The patriarch of a noted theatrical family, Patrick's sons David and Michael and grandsons Sam, William and Harry Melling have all followed him into acting whilst another grandson, Jim, became a fine cricketer for Warwickshire and England. <br />
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The fanbases of two totally different BBC shows have been 'sent into a frenzy' (well, <a href="https://www.bristolpost.co.uk/news/celebs-tv/bbc-bargain-hunt-doctor-who-8597339">according to</a> some prat at the <i>Bristol Post</i>, anyway) following the announcement of a crossover episode. Producers at the broadcaster have asked <b>Doctor Who</b> fans across the nation to put in applications to appear in an episode of <b>Bargain Hunt</b>, due to be filmed later this year. Following the usual premise of the show *<b>Bargain Hunt</b> that is, <i>not </i><b>Doctor Who</b>), successful applicants will be handed a wad of cash and will be given sixty minutes on the clock as they search for antique items to buy and take to auction. But, this episode of <b>Bargain Hunt</b> will come with a twist, as the lucky <b>Doctor Who</b> fans selected to appear on the show will spend an hour delving deep into collections of items related to the series, in celebration of its sixtieth anniversary. A casting call for the upcoming episode was put out by the BBC on the broadcaster's website. Those hoping to appear are being asked to put 'Dr Who' after their full name on the application form, which can be accessed <a href="https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/1788643/Bargain-Hunt-crossover-BBC-Doctor-Who">here</a>. This is <i>definitely</i> going to feature a pair of Tom Baker underpants, isn't it? <br />
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And as for the <i>Bristol Post</i>'s use of the <i>hateful</i>, horrid 'W' word, this blogger has but one thing to say on <i>that</i> matter. <i>Arse</i>. <br />
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The last couple of episodes of <b>Strange New Worlds</b> to arrive as preview discs at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House have been a reet good laugh: <i>Among The Lotus Eaters</i> started off as a straight cross between <i>Apocalypse, Now</i> and <i>Patterns Of Force</i> and then threw in a bit of <i>Tabula Rasa</i> for shits and giggles. Cool! <br />
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As for <i>Charades</i>. 'What the f-!' <i>That</i>! <i>Was</i>! <i>Effing</i>! <i>Brilliant</i>! Including, as it did, possibly this blogger's favourite line of dialogue in <i>any</i> <b>Star Trek</b> episode, ever (bar none): 'A Vulcan would have a more resilient bladder.' <br />
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The most recent two episodes of <b>The Crowded Room</b> also rocked up at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague house. The eponymous seventh episode was simply <i>extraordinary</i>. 'As far as she's concerned, <i>we're</i> the disease!' A labyrinthine descent into depersonalisation; full of half-whispered conversations in shuttered rooms, abuse monster metaphors and allusions to Yeats, Blake and Shelley. And Tom Holland, Amanda Seyfield, Hello To <i>From The North</i> favourite Jason Isaacs and Lior Raz acting their little cotton socks off. Possibly the best forty three minutes of television this year so far. And, apparently, one <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/the-crowded-room-tom-holland-scene-b2376385.html">hated by sick twattish bigots</a>. So, you know, <i>double bonus</i>. Hey, homophobes of the world, here's a radical idea. How about you do us all a favour, sod off and <i>die</i> from cancer of the arsehole? If you could manage that, this blogger is sure many would be eternally grateful for your kind cooperation. Thanks <i>so very much</i> in advance. <br />
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As for the following episode, <i>Reunion</i>. Wow, this series just gets better and better and <i>better</i>.<br />
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Which brings us, as if by design, to the final choice selection from the chocolate box of life that is Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Ninety Four: <i>Chosen</i>. <br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Ninety Five: <i>As You Were</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Ninety Six: <i>Graduation Day, Part Two</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Ninety Seven: <i>The Prom</i>. <br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Ninety Eight: <i>Dirty Girls</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Ninety Nine: <i>Earshot</i>. <br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number One Hundred: <i>Doppelgängland</i>.<br />
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And, finally Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number One Hundred One: <i>Chosen</i>. <br />
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So darling blog fiends, we reach that point where, yet again, we replace one semi-regular <i>From The North</i> feature with another new one. Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number One: <i>The Quatermass Xperiment</i>. Brian Donlevy: 'There's <i>no room</i> for personal feelings in science, Judith!' <br />
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Memorably Daft Lines From British Horror & SF Movies Of The 1950s and 1960s. Number Two: <i>The Curse Of Frankenstein</i>. Robert Urquhart: 'Have you ever been in that laboratory of his? You cannot possibly conceive the dreadful thing he's proposing to do.' <i>From The North</i> favourite Hazel Court: 'What are you trying to tell me, Paul? That Victor's wicked? Insane?' Errr ... that'd be a 'yes', love.<br />
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Casually watching one of those short cat videos which you get loads of posted onto <i>Facebook</i> (what can this blogger say, dear blog readers? He's a sucker for a bit of amusing <i>mewing</i>) this one was entitled <i>My Cat Is Not Fat, Just Big-Boned</i>, this blogger was reminded of one of those great head-to-heads in <b>Alas Smith & Jones</b>. One where the late and much-missed <i>From The North</i> favourite <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2013/07/i-have-ten-lagers-then-i-have-ten-more.html">Mel Smith</a> proudly stated that <i>he</i> was not fat, merely big-boned. 'Do you not think' wondered Griff Rhys Jones, 'that if you didn't go out every night, drink twenty lagers and have two curries that your bones might, you know, <i>shrink a bit</i>?!' <br />
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Do you know what makes this blogger sick, dear blog reader? 'Drinking a pint of salt water and then sticking my fingers down my throat. That makes me <i>really</i> sick.' You would have to be a brain-damaged moron or the victim of a cruel medical experiment not to agree.<br />
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From that, dear blog reader, to a somewhat-related thought. 'This is Hotel Bastardos! You want soft toilet paper, you go Hotel Gayboy!'<br />
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This blogger really must check <i>this</i> movie out some time, dear blog reader. It sounds <i>great</i>. <br />
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Which brings us with the frank inevitability of the frankly inevitable to that part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's on-going medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the sessions for the second Stone Roses LP, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into New Year 2022 feeling rotten</a>; experienced <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">five days in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more injections</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">continued to suffer fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">a second endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took ages to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">nothing remotely health-related occurred</a>; was given <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">further B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; received more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">received</a> yet more blood tests; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a> for his sick note; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">depressing, ceaseless fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sickie</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">surprising news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">general cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into New Year</a>. There was that '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">getting some new spectacles</a> and this blogger's <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">return to the East End pool</a> after over a year of constant inactivity. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">genuinely wretched</a>. Experiencing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">a particularly nasty bout of gastroenteritis</a>. And, getting a visit from a very pleasant and actually quite helpful <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>. <br />
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During the last fortnight, dear blog reader, this blogger has continued - at least in part due to the clammy overnight climactic conditions - to suffer from several torturous nights of insomnia and needing-a-pee-every-five-minutes-interrupted sleep. And, several have also been nights of <i>really</i> disturbing dreams (although, like in the last bloggerisationism update, at least one of them would've made a pretty cool script for a horror movie if this blogger has been taking notes!) Another series of 5.30am starts followed with several cups of red hot sweet Joe and a packet of Rich Tea's ('a drink's too wet without one') inevitably followed. <br />
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Monday of this week one of <i>those</i> sort of days, dear blog reader. You know the sort this blogger means? One of those days where you get up nice and early to get to the pool, the bank and the shops, you leave The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House and get as far as the bus stop and then - and <i>only</i> then - so you realise that you're still wearing your carpet slippers. <i>Those</i> sort of days. To be fair, they're suede moccasins so they didn't look all <i>that</i> ridiculous amongst the shoppers at Morrisons. One supposes, it could have been worse. This blogger could have still been in his pyjamas. Although, he believes he would've spotted <i>that</i> eventuality. Especially as, at the moment, what with the constant overnight heat and everything, he tends not to wear any. Nevertheless, this is, clearly, yet another symptom to add to this blogger's catalogue of misery - early onset dementia. <br />
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Ever since this blogger was naught but a youngling, dear blog reader, he has always used buses. The Telly Topping's we were never a car family; one of the main reasons why this blogger never learned to drive (apart from the whole 'when I had the time I didn't have the money and when I had the money I didn't have the time' thing) was that every job Keith Telly Topping ever had was either self-employed, from home, or on a direct bus route from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Or, in the case of the last job this blogger had, on a direct bus route and then <i>another</i> direct bus route from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House (which was one of the main reasons why this blogger left after a year - the commute was a bitch). As a consequence of this, Keith Telly Topping never takes bus drivers and the job they do for granted and always mumbles some form of thanks to them as they put him off at his stop, despite this being, essentially, their job. Well, that and 'do not crash the bus and kill this blogger and everyone else on board,' obviously. So, this blogger will usually say: 'thanks mate', 'thanks pal', 'thanks chief', 'thanks geezer' or some variant thereof. For a while, this blogger used 'thanks Mack' after being <i>very</i> amused by a stereotypical American tourist asking Roy Castle 'which way to Piccadilly Circus, Mack?' in <i>From The North</i> favourite <i>Doctor Terror's House Of Horrors</i>. But, that didn't last long once the joke wore thin. Recently, for some equally obscure reason, this blogger has started saying 'thank you, Brother!' (or, on the odd occasions when he has a lady bus driver, 'thank you, Sister' so as not to discriminate against the Sisterhood. My sister is <i>not</i> my enemy, dear blog reader). One thing this blogger loathes, however, with some considerable ire and it's something Keith Telly Topping's late mother used to do all the time, is when getting off, hearing someone say 'thank you, driver!' That's crass <i>jobism</i> - defining the person by their occupation rather than as an individual. This is the Twenty First Century and it's <i>not on</i>. Probably. Anyway, this blogger always used to tell Mama Telly Topping 'you'll get the shock of your life if, one day, the driver replied "that's all right, <i>passenger</i>!"' Getting back from a brief pool/bank/post office/Morrisons/Greggs jaunt one day last week, a little old lady was getting off the Number Twelve in front of this blogger and, sure enough, said 'thank you, driver.' This blogger was muttering to his very self 'go on, mate, say it! Say it! <i>Say it</i>!' 'That's all right ...' the bus driver began and Keith Telly Topping was just about ready to punch the air and click his heels together in <i>triumph</i> if the bus driver had added 'passenger' to that. But, he didn't and this blogger was, as a consequence, <i>crushed</i>. It'll happen one day, dear blog reader, make this blogger's words. <br />
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Whilst watching the British GP, this blogger found himself rather at odds with <a href="https://www.express.co.uk/celebrity-news/1789137/damian-lewis-british-grand-prix-national-anthem-slammed-F1">the popular consensus</a> regarding Damien Lewis's Bleeding Gums Murphy-style blues saxophone adaptation of the national anthem. This blogger hasn't laughed so much in <i>years</i>. <i>Top </i>comedy stylings, mate. Incidentally, dear blog reader, if you <i>do</i> check out the above link to the <i>Daily Scum Express</i> be advised, the word 'slammed' in their title is tabloidese for 'criticised' only with less syllables. <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader, how about <a href="https://www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/news/23660176.residents-object-garden-toilet-cesspit-due-smell/"><i>this</i></a> for <i>From The North</i>'s Headline Of The Week? <br />
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Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-7054340574043231242023-07-05T04:25:00.002+01:002023-07-06T16:32:49.982+01:00Cosmic Things<div style="text-align: justify;">
Welcome back, dear blog reading fiends, to the show that never ends (apart from those, increasingly frequent, times when this blogger finds his very self too knackered to even think about pulling a new <i>From The North</i> update together - see below). The weather has <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-66084543">taken a turn for the hotter-than-you'd- like</a> - <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-66104822">significantly hotter</a> in fact - and the world remains a big, scary, rather threatening place. So, no change there, then. Meanwhile, Việt'Nam has, <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-66083761">reportedly</a>, banned the forthcoming <i>Barbie</i> movie. Which, one trusts, <i>From The North</i> favourite Margot Robbie's legion of fans in Ho Chi Minh City are <i>bloody outraged</i> about. <i>Wars</i> have been fought over lesser issues, dear blog reader. Particularly in <i>that</i> region, as it happens. <br />
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Meanwhile, here is a quick message for all of <i>From The North</i>'s many dear American blog readers, belatedly, for yesterday.<br />
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On <i>that </i>bombshell, let us kick-off this latest <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms update with some blog housekeeping notes. This blog's most recent 'I will not celebrate meaningless milestones' moment occurred on Thursday 29 June when <i>From The North</i> had its <i>twelve millionth</i> page hit since 2006. Or, at least, since Keith Telly Topping started counting page hits which was <i>around</i> 2006. Which, presumably, means that either this blog has got but <i>one</i> regular dear blog readers (who has a <i>lot</i> of time on his and/or her hands) or twelve million people have been desperately in search of pornography and stumbled into this gaff by accident. This blogger could go either way on that particular score. <br />
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Incidentally, 29 June is also the birthdate of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prasanta_Chandra_Mahalanobis">Prasanta Chandra Mahalanobis</a> and, in India, because of this fact is <a href="https://currentaffairs.adda247.com/national-statistics-day-celebrated-on-29th-june/">celebrated</a> as 'National Statistics Day'. All of which, in view of the next couple of items on the <i>From The North</i> agenda, is really rather comforting. <br />
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That twelve millionth visitor moment occurred just one day before Google - in their infinite wisdom and for reasons best known only to themselves - decided to change their Analytics page which has been this blog's regular companion and measuring method since around 2009. As usual, Goggle did all of this without bothering to <i>ask</i> their customers whether they actually <i>wanted</i> the Analytics Home site updated to their spankin' new G4A malarkey. Or, indeed, to give their customers the option to retain the old, much more user-friendly, version if they preferred. Don't you just <i>hate</i> it, dear blog readers, when companies pull <i>those</i> sort of crass, thoughtless stunts? Anyway, all whinging aside, before the old Analytics page shuffles off this mortal coil this blogger was able, one last time, to grab a complete record of <i>From The North</i>'s daily traffic since August 2009. <br />
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Plus a graph which demonstrates the significant increase in daily page hits <i>From The North</i> has been receiving over the last year-and-a-bit whilst this blogger has been, mostly, stuck within the four walls of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, his heart-rate uncannily matching the aesthetics of his particular illustration. Alive. Just. <br />
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Atypically, that day (Saturday 1 July) saw <i>From The North</i>'s traffic breaking the ten thousand page hits barrier for the first time since 25 March of this year. Not, quite, hitting the heights of this blog's largest day of bandwidth consumption (Saturday 11 March, when a quite staggering thirteen thousand three hundred and fifty two dear blog readers found something worth visiting <i>From The North</i> for). But, still, it was a useful reminder to this blogger that a) sometimes, he <i>can</i> give some of the people what some of the people they want. And, b) he should, on a daily basis (or, as often as the blog gets updated), thank all <i>From The North</i> dear blog readers. That's a big thanks to all of you; the regulars, the occasional visitors and those of you who <i>have</i> merely stumbled in here in search of pornography. Sorry for the absence of the latter but we've got some <b>Doctor Who</b> news coming up if <i>that</i> floats yer boat. <br />
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Following on from the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/we-cannot-solve-our-problems-with-same.html">the dramatic last bloggerisationsms report</a> about The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House acquiring a new laptop, this blogger's Total Recorder app was sorted thanks to the generous help of their support team. The Shop & Scan app was also sorted thanks to the kindly help of <i>their</i> support team. This blogger does like it, dear blog reader, when support teams actually do what it says on the tin and ... <i>support</i>. Good on them. This blogger then moved on to the lengthy - and, at the time of writing, still not quite complete - process of moving lots of music files around. It was mostly going onto USB sticks (with a full back-up on the detachable hard drive, obviously) and two recently ordered one hundred twenty GB sticks turned up on Wednesday morning to aid in the task. It was all going really quickly until Keith Telly Topping got to The Pink Floyd discography after which it became a tedious trial of things inching over at a rate of about five kilobytes a second (ie. <i>effing slowly</i>). There was probably a metaphor in there, somewhere. Thank God this blogger hadn't have any Genesis, Yes, Queen or other pompous rock to dump over - on general principle - and only two LPs (the <i>good</i> ones) by The Police. This blogger doesn't think his poor USB stick(s) would be able to take the trauma.<br />
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Yesterday, dear blog reader, this blogger took one of his - increasingly occasional - trips into town, to pay <i>over fifteen effin' quid</i> to see <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQfMbSe7F2g"><i>Indiana Jones & The Dial Of Destiny</i></a>. Mainly to check out if the reverse of the <i>Star Trek</i> movies-thing still holds true (odd numbered ones are good, even numbered ones ... not so much). <br />
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This blogger had two optional photos ready to convey his general mood after watching the movie. Thankfully, he ended up going with <i>this</i> one. <br />
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Admittedly, it was about twenty minutes too long (something it shares in common with most movies these days, particularly in relation to Keith Telly Topping's tortured bladder). There was probably one chase scene too many (although, the production is to be congratulated for managing to produce one of cinema's first ever horse/motor bike/car/subway chase sequences) and the final scene came over as a bit superfluous, frankly. But, this blogger enjoyed it over all (featuring as it did several of his favourite actors). Not as good as <i>Raiders</i> or <i>Last Crusade</i> - few movies are - but miles better than the other two. It was particularly nice to see <i>From The North</i> favourite good old Mads Mikkelsen chewing the Nazi-scenery in best Michael Byrne/Ronnie Lacey-style whilst, essentially, playing Wernher von Braun! <br />
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A trio of trailers shown before the movie certainly whetted the appetite. Two of them, this blogger had seen before - <i>Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning (Part One)</i> still looks every bit as testosterone-snorting as you'd imagine it to be (and <i>then some</i>). <i>Barbie</i> remains <i>Mad! As Toast!</i> (and, really good fun). The one which this blogger hadn't seen previously was Christopher Nolan's forthcoming <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYPbbksJxIg"><i>Oppenheimer</i></a>, which looks <i>great</i>. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXzcyx9V0xw"><i>Elemental</i></a>, on the other hand, this blogger reckons he'll probably give <i>that one</i> a miss. <br />
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<i>From The North</i> favourite Simon Pegg - soon to be seen in the next <i>Mission: Impossible</i> movie, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avz06PDqDbM">the trailer</a> for which is <i>nails</i> - has claimed that nobody needs a sequel to <i>Shaun Of The Dead</i>. During an <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2023/jun/25/simon-pegg-actor-on-comedy-action-heroes-tom-cruise-staying-at-home">interview</a> with some Middle Class hippy Communist at the <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>, Pegg revealed that people 'always' ask him about a potential sequel and explained why it isn't a good idea. 'If I ever do an <i>Instagram Live</i> or whatever, people are always like, "I need <i>Shaun Of The Dead 2</i> in my life,"' he said. 'And I'm like, "No, you don't fucking need <i>Shaun Of The Dead 2</i>! The <i>last thing</i> you need is <i>Shaun Of The Dead 2</i>! It's done. Move on!"' The horror comedy, written and directed by Edgar Wright, became a cult hit. It also spawned two semi-follow-ups: the superb <i>Hot Fuzz</i> and the not-bad-but-not-as-good-as-<i>Hot-Fuzz</i> <i>The World's End</i>, which make up The Cornetto Trilogy. Simon is more interested in adding another film to the series than going back to do a <i>Shaun Of The Dead</i> sequel, suggesting that he and Edgar have met up to see if they can create a fourth film. 'Hard to believe it's nine years since we were shooting <i>The World's End</i>,' he said in an <i>Instagram</i> post earlier this year. 'Hey [Nick Frost] and [Edgar Wright], it's about time we assembled again, isn’t it?' So, presumably <i>Hot Fuzz 2</i> isn't <i>entirely</i> out of the question, then?! <br />
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National heartthrob David Tennant will soon be seen reprising his role as The Doctor for three sixtieth anniversary specials - you knew <i>that</i>, right? - and has claimed that while his and Catherine Tate's returns to <b>Doctor Who</b> 'took a bit of wrangling' they were 'always receptive to the notion.' He <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/david-tennant-doctor-who-victory-lap-newsupdate/">told</a> <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by adults): 'Initially, it was a casual conversation going, "Wouldn't it be fun to do a one-off?" Then Russell was back running the show and suddenly it could be something bigger. But there's really no pressure. It's a victory lap, in a way - you get to enjoy something that had meant so much to you one last shot before you get too old to do it again.' Asked whether he has seen his successor in the role, Tennant revealed that he has, indeed, seen Ncuti Gatwa in action, adding: 'It makes me feel like I'm just holding the coat till he arrives, because he's <i>very</i> exciting.'<br />
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And, speaking of Ncuti, the new Doctor has been doing a lot of interviews recently in relation, not only with <b>Doctor Who</b> but also his regular role in <b>Sex Education</b> and an appearance in the forthcoming <i>Barbie</i> movie (banned in Việt'Nam, remember, so Ncuti's rapidly expanding fanbase in Hanoi are going to be right out of luck). For instance, check out the following articles in <a href="https://www.vogue.co.uk/article/ncuti-gatwa-british-vogue-cover-interview"><i>British Vogue</i></a>, <a href="https://www.gaytimes.co.uk/life/sex-educations-ncuti-gatwa-addresses-fan-speculation-about-his-sexuality/"><i>Gay News</i></a> and the <a href="https://www.nme.com/news/tv/ncuti-gatwa-told-by-sex-education-producers-that-people-wouldnt-understand-his-ad-libs-3455787"><i>NME</i></a>. Meanwhile, location filming on the new series of <b>Doctor Who</b> continues in Welsh Wales. <br />
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<i>From The North</i> favourite Neil Gaiman has responded to the question of whether he will be writing more episodes of <b>Doctor Who</b> in the future. Neil wrote for <b>Doctor Who</b> during Matt Smith's era as The Doctor, scripting the episodes <i>The Doctor's Wife</i> (which was <i>really</i> good) and <i>Nightmare in Silver</i> (which wasn't), as well as a DVD-exclusive mini-episode. Neil recently replied to a fan of his on <i>Tumblr</i> page asking would Neil be interested in writing for the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama again: 'On <b>Doctor Who</b>, I don't know. I love being in the <b>Doctor Who</b> audience and being really excited to not know what's coming,' he said. In other words, 'I haven't been asked, if I was, I'd consider it.' Yet, dear blog reader, some smear of no importance at the <i>Screen Rant</i> website has taken this entirely non-committal two-line posting and written <i>a thousand word article</i> about it. Which, if you have a higher tolerance for rank and utter <i>horseshit</i> than this blogger, you can read <a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-neil-gaiman-writing-return-response/">here</a>. Don't say you weren't warned.<br />
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Not that Neil is likely to have much time to return to <b>Doctor Who</b> anyway. Locations in Dorset are <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-dorset-66052265">reportedly</a> being used to film the second series of the Netflix adaptation of Neil's <b>The Sandman</b>. Tom Sturridge was seen recording a scene for the fantasy drama at Durdle Door beach. Production crews have also been seen in Parkstone Cemetery in Poole, with speculation on social media that this may also be a filming location. The latest production follows <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">the first series</a>, which was broadcast in 2022, to widespread acclaim and, of course, won <i>From The North</i>'s award for <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">the best TV show of the year</a>. The series was, after a lengthy wait, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">renewed for a second series</a> last November. A Bournemouth, Christchurch and Poole Council spokesperson confirmed a production company filmed at the cemetery for one day and local residents had been notified. Durdle Door beach, on the Lulworth Estate, was closed for several days while filming took place. Sturridge could be seen walking along the beach to meet another character, who was dressed in white robes carrying what looked like a lyre. Location crews have also been seen at Sandbanks on the edge of Poole Harbour. With a first issue in 1988, a live action TV adaptation of the acclaimed comic was more than thirty years in the making. Despite previous interest from Hollywood (much of it <a href="https://www.polygon.com/23280715/the-sandman-2022-neil-gaiman-adaptation-movie">truly <i>moronic</i></a>), Neil Gaiman said that trying to condense a three thousand-page story into two hours of film was an 'uncrackable' problem. The seventy five-issue (and one special) run of the original comic featured both standalone stories and longer, more overlapping, narratives. It finally premiered on Netflix in August 2022 and featured many well-known names in the cast including Charles Dance, Stephen Fry, Jenna Coleman, Joely Richardson, Sanjeev Bhaskar, Sir Derek Jacobi, David and Georgia Tennant and Gwendoline Christie as Lucifer. The second series had been expected to focus on the next two volumes of the comic - <i>Season Of Mists</i> and <i>A Game Of You</i> with some standalone stories taken from the collections <i>Dream Country</i> and <i>Fables & Reflections</i>. It is believed that the second batch of episodes will be streamed in either spring or summer 2024. The story of the resumption of filming on <b>The Sandman </b>was <a href="https://winteriscoming.net/2023/06/29/first-pics-the-sandman-season-2-tease-major-storyline-orpheus/">also covered</a> by the <i>Winter Is Coming</i> website and the <a href="https://comicbook.com/tv-shows/news/the-sandman-season-2-reportedly-casting-thor-loki-and-more-norse-gods/"><i>Comic Book.com</i></a> website. The latter also reports that the Norse Gods Thor, Odin and Loki - key characters in the <i>Season Of Mists</i> arc - are in the process of being cast. Even more excitingly, they also <a href="https://www.whats-on-netflix.com/news/the-sandman-season-2-netflix-release-date-what-to-expect-06-2023/">quoted</a> the <i>What's On Netflix</i> website as suggesting also in the current round of casting are the characters of Morpheus' 'lost' brother, Destruction and King Auberon and Queen Titania. The latter duo appear in one of this blogger's favourite issues of the comic, <i>A Midsummer Night's Dream</i>, one of the two stories from the <i>Dream Country</i> collection yet to be tackled (and one which this blogger thought they may have to miss given the likely plethora of SFX needed to create an audience of faeries at the premiere of Shakespeare's play). <br />
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The second series of another highly-regarded Neil Gaiman adaptation, <b>Good Omens</b>, is coming at the end of July and, based on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RO2XFzrvXkU">a new clip</a> which Amazon has released, it appears that Crowley (national heartthrob David Tennant) is musing about what the point of everything is? We've <i>all</i> done it, to be fair. Frequently. The full trailer for the series can be seen, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xgl06nszfSE">here</a>. It appears to focus on the events which occur after an amnesiac, toddler-like Gabriel (Jon Hamm) shows up at the book store owned by the angel Aziraphal (Michael Sheen). The end of new clip also seems to hint at this, as Crowley's replacement as Evil's representative in London, Shax (Miranda Richardson), says that there is 'something going on ... up <i>there</i>.'<br />
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The BBC has released a first image of <i>From The North</i> favourites Jodie Whittaker and Bella Ramsey in their new drama, <b>Time</b>. In the photo from the second part of the anthology series, Whittaker and Ramsey as Orla and Kelsey are standing in the prison yard along with their fellow inmate Abi (played by Tamara Lawrance). 'The bleak colour palette reflects their dire situation in the women's prison' (it says <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/a44193730/doctor-who-jodie-whittaker-last-of-us-bella-ramsey-time-first-look/">here</a>), a shift from the drama's first series which followed Stephen Graham and Sean Bean's characters on opposing sides of The Law.<br />
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This blogger was starting to get just a little bit frustrated with <b>The Crowded Room</b>; the first four episodes were great, but this blogger really didn't enjoy last week's episode (<i>Savior</i> [sic]) at all; added to which we've now had three episodes in a row that were all, essentially, flashbacks. But then, having watched episode six (<i>Rya</i>) before going back and re-watching the opening episode (to which episode six was a kind of direct prequel), Keith Telly Topping has come to the conclusion that this was a <i>really</i> cleverly put-together Lego construction of a plot. Only one question remains, though. It's 1979 and Rya's son is watching an episode of <b>Happy Days</b> when she tells him to go to bed, it's ten o'clock. When then Hell was <b>Happy Days</b> <i>ever</i> shown at 10pm, anywhere? <br />
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On a somewhat-related theme, this blogger wasn't at all impressed with <b>Strange New Worlds</b>' second episode of the new series, <i>Ad Astra Per Aspera</i> (too much talking, not enough blowing things up and a court-room setting absolutely crying out for a '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4fwrdr_bZo">you can't <i>handle</i> the truth</a>' moment). But, the following week's episode, <i>Tomorrow & Tomorrow & Tomorrow</i>, that was <i>funny</i> (despite focusing largely on La'an, the least-interesting character in the <b>Star Trek</b> franchise since <b>Voyager</b> ended).<br />
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From that, dear blog reader, to Magnificently Daft Lines From<b> Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Eighty Seven: <i>Becoming, Part 2</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Eighty Eight: <i>School Hard</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Eighty Nine: <i>Entropy</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Ninety: <i>The Harsh Light Of Day</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Ninety One: <i>The Body</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Ninety Two: <i>No Place Like Home</i>. <br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Ninety Three: <i>Choices</i>. <br />
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This blogger spent some of the last week catching up with various Glastonbury highlights on the BBC <i>iPlayer</i> (some sets that this blogger had missed, some he'd already seen but enjoyed and wanted to watch again). A couple of things struck Keith Telly Topping, hard, right between the eyes and left him vexed and discombobulated. Plus, shocked <i>and</i> stunned, obviously. <br />
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Firstly, Generation Sex. A pretty decent set, this blogger thought (Billy's voice being a bit shot-to-Hell notwithstanding). But ... '<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8HQGsT5mzg">King Rocker</a>'. Now, Keith Telly Topping always assumed that this was a song about a hypothetical boxing match between Elvis and John Lennon for the title of, well, King Rocker (or King Kong, the chorus doesn't make clear which). And, by assumed, this blogger means <i>knew</i> ('Jailhouse Rocker roots straight outta Memphis/Liverpool Johnny rocks out round Paul's place' ... 'Elvis from the body shakes from the hipbone'/Quarry Street kids in leather take Hamburg' <i>et cetera</i>). Top song. This blogger bought the single - on lurid pink vinyl - back in 1979. He can't find it just at the moment but it's in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House somewhere. However, when Generation Sex performed it at Glasto, on the screen behind them, there was some required black and white Elvis footage at various points but, each time they reached a line about 'Johnny', we got shots of Jonesy and Cookie's old bandmate, that now extremely former President Rump-supporting oaf Mister Rotten esquire. Eh? What's <i>that</i> all about? Was the sinister hand of Apple stopping them from using the right footage? Was Yoko Ono involved? 'Go Johnny go/use your electric' (but not the Rickenbacker you bought in Hamburg cos <i>that's</i> copyright, son!) This blogger <i>loves</i> a good conspiracy theory. Especially one he's just created. (Yes, incidentally, this blogger <i>is</i> aware that's Paul Cook behind Bill - in more senses than one - but a second earlier it was John Lydon and Keith Telly Topping didn't get the picture taken on his phone quickly enough. So, sue me.)<br />
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Secondly, in the latter parts of Sir Elt's storming Sunday night set (see <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/we-cannot-solve-our-problems-with-same.html">previous bloggerisationisms</a>), the legend that is Davey Johnstone was using a doubleneck guitar of some description (this blogger was struggling to identify the manufacturer; it looked vaguely Fender-ish though this blogger suspects it was probably a custom job). Now, Keith Telly Topping <i>is</i> well-aware that doubleneck guitars have <a href="https://www.premierguitar.com/gear/guitars/double-neck-guitar">been around in some form since the 1920s</a> (and not, as this blogger once genuinely believed, invented in 1971 purely so that Jimmy Page could play all of the parts of 'Stairway To Heaven' live without changing guitars mid-song). But every doubleneck guitar that Keith Telly Topping has ever seen featured a twelve-string on the top and a six string on the bottom (this blogger is led to believe that other variants <i>do</i> exist). Presumably, so that <i>everyone</i> (and not just Jimmy Page) can play all the parts of 'Stairway To Heaven' live without changing guitars mid-song. What Davey was playing appeared to be two six strings, the top one being a right-hander and the bottom one an upside-down left-hander. Which, if you look up the words 'completely bloody pointless' on Google, you'll find <i>that</i> as a dictionary definition. Who is this blogger, a limited guitarist at best (able to play four chords ... three of which are 'C'), to tell the great Davey Johnstone how to strum his banjo, you may well ask? And, you'd be dead right to do so, dear blog reader. But, it appeared as though he was playing the song on the top one and using the bottom purely for occasional moments of slide. Well, mate, you can do <i>that</i> on <i>one guitar</i> - ask Ry Cooder, Clapton, Harrison, Duane Allman, Johnny Winter <i>et al</i>. In short, once again, what's all <i>that</i> about? <br />
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Idly wondering about these things on <i>Facebook</i>, this blogger found a lengthy thread developing in which this blogger's Apple conspiracy theory was effectively poo-pah'd by people who know about these things (hi Jan! hi Jay!), Keith Telly Topping learned more than he ever didn't realise he needed to know about doubleneck guitars (hi Dave!) and, brilliantly, at least one highly respected rock journalist of this blogger's acquaintance completely misread what the lyrics of 'King Rocker' were all about (hi Ian!) This blogger loves a good <i>Facebook</i> session for the craic, dear blog reader. It's just about the only contact with other people Keith Telly Topping gets these days. <br />
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This blogger was flicking around some channels one day this week and, momentarily, stopped on BBC News 24 where someone was talking about Nottingham being 'typical of many places in The North' (this blogger didn't stick around long enough to get the full context though he believes they may have been talking about 'once-Labour-currently-Tory-soon-to-be-Labour-again' MP-type situation). This, clearly, being the London-centric definition of 'The North' as 'anywhere North of Watford and South of Iceland'. If in doubt, people, check out <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8DwJ2IFzxI">this video</a> for some visual clues as to what's where. <br />
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This blogger was back at the pool at the arse-end of last week. He struggled, again, to do pretty much <i>anything</i> other than lie there looking at the ceiling and feeling dog-tired and hopeless; even the sauna didn't do much for him in terms of making him feel any less wretched. But, then he had a very welcome shower whilst the in-house radio was playing Sir Elt's 'Tiny Dancer'. Which, of course, is now utterly impossible to hear without recalling <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgcD0XErPZo"><i>that</i> scene</a> in <i>From The North</i> favourite <i>Almost Famous</i>. <br />
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That was immediately followed on the radio by 'Maggie May'. Which is impossible to hear without recalling The Faces <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcoWUt51zaU">having a kickabout</a> on the Christmas 1971 episode of <b>Top Of The Pops</b>, whilst John Peel mimed the mandolin part played on the record by Wor Geet Canny Ray Jackson.<br />
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Both shall now, forevermore hereafter, be 'music you can shampoo to' in this blogger's mind (and, indeed, on this blogger's scalp).<br />
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Which, of course, brings us with the frank inevitability of the frankly inevitable to that part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's on-going medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than <i>The Palaeolithic Age</i>, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into New Year 2022 feeling rotten</a>; experienced <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">five days in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more injections</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">continued to suffer fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">a second endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took ages to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">nothing remotely health-related occurred</a>; was given <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">further B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; received more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the unwelcome insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">received</a> yet more blood tests; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a> for his sick note; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">depressing, ceaseless fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sickie</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">surprising news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">general cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into New Year</a>. There was that '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">getting some new spectacles</a> and this blogger's <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">return to the East End pool</a> after over a year of constant inactivity. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in the water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">genuinely wretched</a>. Experiencing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">a particularly nasty bout of gastroenteritis</a>. And, getting a visit from a very pleasant and actually quite helpful <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>. <br />
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On Saturday evening, as usual, this blogger was utterly exhausted by around 9:30 (that's pretty much <i>every day</i>, to be honest dear blog reader). So he was off to his pit forthwith. Six or seven hours of fitful - needing-a-pee-every-ninety-minutes-interrupted - sleep followed before, around 4am, as soon as the first rays of the rising sun started pouring through the blinds of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bedroom, Keith Telly Topping wearily awakened and then spent about an hour tossing; cursing this bloody insomnia and wondering whether to just lie there some more and fret about the several seriously disturbing dreams this blogger had just experienced (including at least one that would make a really half-way decent episode for one of the <b>CSI</b> franchise) or whether to get up and, gasp, <i>do</i> something. He chose - possibly, unwisely - the latter. Although, inevitably, <i>doing</i> something at that time of the morning involved watching Talking Pictures TV with the sound really low so as not to disturb them next door and searching the Interweb for something vaguely distracting to be vaguely distracted <i>by</i>. By 8:30am, as usual, this blogger was pure dead knackered again and so (again, as usual) he went back to his bed and then had two-and-a-half hours of properly blissfully sound (and not-needing-a-pee-every-ninety-minutes-<i>uninterrupted</i>) sleep. Before being quite literally shaken from a really nice dream about Keith Telly Topping making a lemon meringue (true story) by someone shouting some obscenity <i>very</i> loudly in the street outside The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Getting up, still in a half-asleep daze, this blogger boiled the kettle and made himself a nice steaming hot cup of sweet Joe and put on The Chemical Brothers at a volume that, quite literally, shook the walls of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. <i>That</i> woke this blogger up right good and proper. How long he would remain in such a only vaguely conscious state, however, was another matter entirely. Although he then set about cooking pie and chips and gravy for us Sunday lunch so he was unlikely to fall asleep in the middle of eating <i>that</i>, admittedly. <br />
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This blogger is, he must admit, kind of sanguine about the whole deal by now after eighteen months of this new reality. Keith Telly Topping knows how the vast majority of his days are going to be; wake early, do some stuff, breakfast, do a bit more stuff, get really tried mid-morning, have a nap, get up, have dinner, do more stuff, get tired again, have a doze of the couch, get up, do more stuff, watch telly, get tried around 9pm, go to bed, start reading something, fall asleep, get six or seven hours in between bouts of having to get up for a pee every ninety minutes, begin process again. There are people in the world who've got far greater challenges in their day-to-day than me.<br />
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The 1970s, dear blog reader. As <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.co.uk/2008/12/living-in-past.html">previously discussed on this blog</a>, all nostalgia about some good music and TV show aside, the decade was a bit <i>crap</i> really, if you had the misfortune to actually live through it. One thing worth remembering about the 1970s though, was that cars-shaped-like-fruit were going to be The Future. For about five minutes in 1974. Of course, it's also worth considering that if all cars were oranges, they wouldn't be called traffic jams, they'd be traffic <i>marmalades</i>, surely? <br />
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And now, a quick advertising break. Here's a word from our sponsor. <br />
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Next, you four will never get <i>anywhere</i> with a name like The Be-Quiffs. Lads, trust this blogger on that score. <i>No one</i> is going to have heard of you. <br />
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The last time this blogger went on a date, dear blog reader, it went <i>really</i> badly. We went for a drink and, to make polite conversation, Keith Telly Topping asked the delightful young lady he was dating what sort of music she liked. She said her favourite band was The Charlatans. This blogger said 'what is your favourite song of theirs?' She replied 'the only one I know.' 'And, what's that one called?' this blogger asked. She got ever so stroppy. Called Keith Telly Topping a weirdo. Anyway ... <br />
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Next, the winner of this week's <i>From The North</i> Headline Of The Week award goes nowhere else but <i>here</i>. <br />
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Though, the <i>Nottingham Post</i> (<i>still</i> not in 'The North', London), gets an honourable mention for <a href="https://www.nottinghampost.com/news/woman-disbelief-after-seeing-squirrel-8571928"><i>Woman In Disbelief After Seeing Squirrel Vaping In Tree</i></a>. <br />
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In today's 'things you never even knew that you <i>needed</i> to know' semi-regular feature, there's this. <br />
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And <a href="https://www.youtube.com/shorts/cXZ7BAMnOFE">finally</a>, dear blog reader. If you say so, Dave. <i>We</i> believe you, thousands wouldn't ... <br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-74134200869035105602023-06-27T00:01:00.000+01:002023-06-27T00:01:13.688+01:00We Cannot Solve Our Problems With The Same Thinking We Used When We Created Them!<div style="text-align: justify;">
Today's <i>From The North</i> Word Of The Day, dear blog reader is 'omniana': A miscellaneous collection of scraps of information on different topics, often in written form. See, also, <i>From The North</i>.<br />
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Congratulations are considerably due to some smear of no importance at the <i>Screen Rant</i> website for, this week, publishing an article entitled <a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-season-14-episode-count/"><i><b>Doctor Who</b> Season Fourteen Episode Count Revealed As Series Looks To The Future On Disney Plus</i></a>. 'Revealed' that is, a mere <i>seven months</i> after Russell Davies first confirmed that the series would consist of eight episodes plus the 2023 Christmas special in the December 2022 issue of the <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Magazine</i> and was then, <i>widely</i>, reported elsewhere in the media. Including, as it happens, on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">this blog</a>. Pre-production for the series commenced on 26 September 2022 and filming began on 5 December. And, in <i>June 2023</i>, <i>Screen Rant</i> are reporting this as 'news'. Jesus, dear blog readers, is it any wonder some Americans didn't noticed they had a hairdo for a President for four years? Oh and some extra points are due to the same website of <a href="https://screenrant.com/doctor-who-human-companions-trend-change/"><i>this</i></a> piece of nonsense from one of their UK-based contributors. It concerns a 'tiresome' companion trend which Big Rusty 'Really Needs To Change', apparently. Bet he won't, though, just to piss you off personally, mate. It's always very enjoyable watching writers use the word 'tiresome' as a direct replacement for 'I don't like it.'<br />
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<i>Wales Online</i> have been all positively agog and that this week with a couple of breathless articles - <a href="https://www.walesonline.co.uk/lifestyle/tv/large-part-cardiff-city-centre-27196227">here</a> and <a href="https://www.walesonline.co.uk/lifestyle/tv/gallery/doctor-who-stars-film-huge-27201431">here</a>. About large parts of Cardiff city centre being sealed off on Sunday and Monday as <b>Doctor Who</b> location scenes were filmed as part of the current recording block. Much of the filming was of a chase scene with Ncuti Gatwa and Bonnie Langford sharing an orange scooter. Which is not something you see everyday, admittedly. <br />
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Russell Davies has dropped 'Enigmatic hints for the series' future' according to yet another spectacularly poorly written piece of twenty four carat horseshit, this time from the <a href="https://movieweb.com/doctor-whos-russell-t-davies-drops-enigmatic-hints-for-the-series-future/"><i>Movieweb</i></a> website (no, me neither). For 'enigmatic', dear blog fiends, read 'not enigmatic in the slightest.' Davies, 'known for his cryptic manner, has left a trail of breadcrumbs for the fans to decipher. He disclosed three enigmatic words that he implies are central to the fifteenth season: "garden," "firmament" and "diploma." These words have already ignited a whirlwind of theories and speculations among ardent fans' writes one Ali Valle - a freelance entertainment and lifestyle writer who, seemingly, couldn't get a <i>real</i> job. Big Rusty is <i>not </i>'cryptic' dear blog reader or, in fact, anything even remotely like it, he just enjoys messing with fanboy and fangirls' heads. He's been doing it for a long time and he's <i>very</i> good at it.<i> </i>Exactly what makes these particular three words any more enigmatic than three other random words - let's say "total", "utter" and "jiggery-pokery" just for the sake of argument - Ali Valle doesn't elaborate. Which, some may regard as a bit remiss given how much tongue-slavvering <i>slurp</i> Ali Valle just put into that previous hyperbolic sentence (and, presumably, Ali Valle got <i>paid</i> for it). 'Firmament' <i>is</i> a good word, though. It always reminds this blogger of a 1950s cinema advert for, this blogger believes, a soap of some description in which the advert's jingle writer (or writers) manged to rhyme 'firmament' with 'the term I meant' in the lyrics! One simply has to admire incompetent genius such as that. Anyway, just for Ali Valle's benefit, Russell (and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat OBE after him) have been using the 'here are three random words which crops up in the new series to get you all perplexed' thing for over a decade. 'Enigmatic'? Possibly (though, usually, not). '[Ignite] a whirlwind of theories and speculations among ardent fans'? But, of course, this is <b>Doctor Who</b> fandom we're talking about, many of us would get collectively dizzy if they tried to walk in a collective straight line. But, 'hints [about] the series' future'? Probably not. <br />
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Meanwhile, this blogger thought the only <b>Doctor Who</b>-related controversy this year was going to be whether the comic-strip version of The Meep would be considered canonical. Seemingly not. <br />
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And now, dear blog reader, here - for your enjoyment - is an on-location photo of The Divine Millie Gibson ... and a couple of friends. <i>What</i>? <br />
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<i>From The North</i> favourite, yer actual Peter Davison certainly appears to be getting somewhat cranky in his old age, particularly where his former <b>Doctor Who</b> co-stars are concerned. <br />
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That said, dear blog reader, this blogger is indebted to his most excellent fiend, Andrew, for providing the following passage from what was, in those far-off days, <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Monthly</i> issue sixty four (cover date May 1982, available from all good newsagents. And some bad ones): 'Janet Fielding broke off as the hatted figure of Peter Davison decided to take an interest in proceedings. Her apology for losing her train of thought was taken up by Davison shuffling off down the corridor to the snack bar making chuffing noises and exclaiming "This is the train of her thoughts!" When she called after him, pleading for a sausage, the immediate reply "You'll get <i>fat</i>!" brought an immediate morose expression to her face. "Should I have a sausage or not? Do you think I should have a sausage?"' Peter Davison, noted Andrew, messing with Janet Fielding's head for over forty years. Personally, this blogger believes she should have <i>definitely</i> taken the sausage. <br />
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This blogger's most recent trip to The Local Swimming Pool occurred last Thursday. But three lengths were achieved (by sheer will-power alone, let it be noted) although then this blogger enjoyed a - really <i>very</i> nice - hot shower. During which the song 'Hungry Like The Wolf' was playing on the establishment's in-house radio. This blogger's thoughts turned, as they usually do at such times, to the late, much-lamented <i>From The North</i> favourite <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/perfect-david-warner-obituary.html">David Warner</a> and his 80s-pop obsessed Soviet scientist Grisenko in the <b>Doctor Who</b> episode <i>Cold War</i>. Whose first question upon meeting a time-traveller from the future is: 'Do Duran Duran split up?' <br />
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And then, of course, to the massive missed opportunity in Clara <i>not</i> replying, 'tragically, no, they <i>don't</i>!' <br />
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Next ... Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Eighty Three: <i>Prophecy Girl</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Eighty Four: <i>Wild At Heart</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Eighty Five: <i>Bad Girls</i>. <br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Eighty Six: <i>Pangs</i>. <br />
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Which, of course, brings us with the full and frank inevitability of the frankly inevitable to that part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's on-going medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the decline and fall of the Roman Empire, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into New Year 2022 feeling rotten</a>; experienced <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">five days in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more injections</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">continued to suffer fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">a second endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took ages to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">nothing remotely health-related occurred</a>; was given <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">further B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; received more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">received</a> yet more blood tests; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a> for his sick note; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">depressing, ceaseless fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sickie</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">surprising news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">general cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into New Year</a>. There was that '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">getting some new spectacles</a> and this blogger's <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">return to the East End pool</a> after over a year of constant inactivity. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">genuinely wretched</a>. Experiencing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">a particularly nasty bout of gastroenteritis</a>. And, getting a visit from a pleasant and helpful <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/06/supplementary-evidence.html">occupational therapist</a>. <br />
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This week, dear blog reader? More of the same, really! <br />
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Anyway, to far more important matters; this blogger started to get a number of horribly deadly-looking messages on Linda, The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House laptop on Friday afternoon informing this blogger that Linda's hard drive had either gone kaput or was <i>about</i> to go kaput. Either way, it was both unexpected and yet, in an odd way since Linda, The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House laptop was several years old and had been put through some jolly harsh treatment of late, not unexpected at all. The poor old girl had to go sometime and, there being, they reckon, no time like the present the whole made a weird kind of sense. <br />
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Keith Telly Topping has been considering getting a new Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House laptop anyway so that he could shut Linda away in a Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House cupboard and forget she ever existed. Thus, her sudden potential-dying-the-death-thing wasn't quite the abject horrorshow (and drag) it may have been at any other time (and, particularly during lockdown, for example). Consequently, it pushed this blogger only semi-reluctantly in the direction of doing something about it. Something that he'd been considering but putting off for at least a couple of months, as it happens. An online search saw this blogger find a nice-looking ASUS VivoBook. The same make as Linda, albeit with a much smaller capacity; it was, nevertheless, suitable for this blogger's needs (two hundred and fifty six snots of memory or thereabouts, 'this baby is primo-rad ...' apparently, according to at least one online review). It was also on offer at Argos for a mere two hundred and sixty quid plus a fiver delivery charge. And, fortunately, this blogger had acquired a number of Argos gift cards from various sources (mainly filling in online shopping surveys and the like) which were burning a hole in his pocket so, in the end he used all of those and the new machine ultimately cost Keith Telly Topping a whopping £15.94. <i>And</i> it was same day delivery. Re-and-indeed-sult. <br />
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However, of course, this meant a mad-rush to get everything backed up from Linda before she finally went <i>fzzz-pfft-kablam</i>! Not a problem in terms of the vast majority of this blogger's three hundred and seventy GBs of documents and near 500 GBs of music files. This blogger wasn't worried about <i>losing</i> any of his documents as Keith Telly Topping backs up everything important (and some stuff that isn't) at least once every couple of days. The problem, though, as anyone that has ever gone through this process before is that it's such a clart shifting everything over. Particularly, the process of trying to re-install various apps and bits of software, some of which are as old of Methuselah. And, in several cases, discovering that Windows 11 (which this blogger hadn't used previously) simply threw up its hands in horror at the very thought of some of them darkening its door and then having to try to find alternatives. <br />
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Promised for delivery by 10pm on Friday evening, it actually arrived somewhat earlier than expected (around 7.30pm). This blogger was resigned to having to spend the majority of the next three or four days trying to work out how the new one actually <i>operated</i>. But, once switched on, it actually seemed quite user-friendly. Therefore this blogger started the lengthy process of dumping everything - or, at least, everything <i>essential</i> since, as noted, the new one - let's call her Leticia - has a smaller capacity than Linda - via this blogger's trusty detachable Seagate hard drive, Cyril. <br />
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By midnight (<i>way</i> past Keith Telly Topping's usual bedtime, dear blog reader), Keith Telly Topping believed that he was about a quarter-to-a-third of the way through the entire process (which was, all things considered, not at all bad for about four hours work). But, by that stage, this blogger was pure dog-tired to the point of flaking out on The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House couch, so the rest of the job was postponed until the following day. <br />
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Saturday morning and this blogger managed to set up Audible - which was great since it played <i>very</i> poorly, if at all, on the old machine which was only running Windows 8.1. At <i>last</i> this blogger was now able to have on <i>From The North</i> favourite Clive Mantle's audiobook narration of <i>From The North</i> favourite Mark Lewisohn's <i>Tune In</i> as a soundtrack to his computer shenanigans (that file having, apparently, been too big to play on Linda). Also up and running were Calibre, Chrome, the various Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House Avast security files and uTorrent (which was then swiftly binned on recommendation of several beast <i>Facebook</i> fiends and replaced by qBittorrent). This blogger also moved over almost all of the files and documents which he is going to need on a daily basis and imported his website favourites, lots of photos and most of his ebooks. So far, so good. In fact, so far, so <i>really</i> good. There were only a couple of horrorshows at that stage - this blogger's version of Screenshot Studio, for example (which this blogger believes was probably bootleg version anyway) simply would not load. But, there was a relatively easy alternative to that - an update, later successfully obtained. A more worrying thing was that when this blogger tried to load his copies of Word, Arcsoft PhotoStudio and PhotoBase, he had no way of doing so as they were on a couple of discs and Leticia didn't have a disc drive about her personage (as, this blogger is led to understand, most new PCs don't - for reasons that he finds bewildering. Some of us <i>do</i> still have discs, you know?) The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House <i>does</i> have a - very - old external DVD drive (Clarence) but, given that he hadn't been touched in any way shape or form for a decade or more, unsurprisingly, it was too much to expect that he would work when linked up to the new machine. Plan B, then! <br />
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Once again, this blogger's dear <i>Facebook</i> fiends came to the rescue, particularly in the case of an inability to get Word up and running (to be fair, it was a version of Word so old it actually carries the tagline 'in the beginning was <i>Word</i>'. Thankfully, the Godlike genius that is this blogger's most excellent fiend, David suggested trying LibreOffice 7.5 as a decent alternative. This blogger did, it worked and, aesthetically, this blogger has to confess, he actually prefers it to what it was replacing. Then, (after literally <i>minutes</i> of searching) this blogger managed to find a free download for Photostudio (it was not, quite, the same version which Keith Telly Topping previously had and this blogger is still trying to work out whether it's better or worse - he's currently coming down on the side of worse though that's a minor consideration). So, this blogger got <i>that</i> up and running; then he spent about three extremely frustrating hours on Saturday afternoon trying to work out how to configure his old Canon scanner to Leticia and getting increasingly ill-tempered and bolshy whilst doing so ('your scanner is not switched on' Leticia insisted. '<i>Yes! It! Effing-well! Is!</i>, Tell! This! Bloody! Computer! That! You're! <i>Definitely</i>! Switched! On! Please!' this blogger demanded of Shaun The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House scanner. Shaun retained his right to remain silent). Eventually, after much effing and blinding and snarling this blogger sussed out what the problem was by downloading a new driver for Shaun. And, that sorted out that problem instantly. <i>Then</i>, this blogger took another hour to work out how to get the new machine to recognise The Stately Telly Topping mobile so that this blogger could transfer photos over from one to the other. Again with an, ultimately, successful outcome after a bit of this blogger crashing his head off Terry, The Stately Telly Topping Manor plague House table a few times. <br />
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Of course, unlike the much-appreciated helpfulness of this blogger's lovely and fragrant <i>Facebook</i> fiends, looking for any help online for the majority of these problems is a minefield for anyone without an advanced degree in nerd-speak. This blogger - one of the world's original technophobes when it comes to <i>all</i> hardware and most software - often resembled Billy Connolly's father in that memorable routine from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BmMh6ajElo"><b>An Audience With ...</b></a> when confronted with his son's new 'banjo' ('you might as well be saying "<i>doormat</i>"'!)<br />
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In the end, this blogger got a link to Percival, The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House printer configured and managed (after at least four failed previous attempts) to download and install an app which he needs to continue filling in online shopping info and carry on getting those jolly useful Argos gift tokens. It has been suggested that one definition of madness is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. This blogger can confirm that, just this once, that's actually <i>crap</i>! So, now all Keith Telly Topping has to do is work out how to get Total Recorder working (he's got an e-mail in with their technical support department as we speak) and, remarkably, otherwise job's a good'un. Within a timescale of <i>less</i> than two full days. A minor miracle has occurred, dear blog readers! Praise de Lord and pass the sleeping pills. <br />
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As if all <i>that</i> excitement wasn't enough, whilst this blogger was waiting for the delivery of his spankin' new laptop on Friday evening, a very surprising and very touching thing occurred. Every time, dear blog reader, that this blogger finds himself ready to give up on humanity as a lost cause something always tries to prove Keith Telly Topping bigly wrong in his wrongness. It's starting to get a bit annoying, frankly! This blogger's neighbour is a very nice chap called Ahmed. This blogger knows him only very slightly - we say 'hello' to each other on the odd occasions that we pass in the street outside The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House and Ahmed always, seems like a nice, pleasant, thoroughly decent bloke. But never, in Keith Telly Topping's wildest freaky dreams, did this blogger expect to receive an - unsolicited - act of kindness such as what happened next. There was a knock on the door of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. Thinking that it might be the delivery of Leticia the replacement laptop, this blogger shuffled and limped, unsteadily, down the stairs and opened the door to find a smiling Ahmed telling this blogger that he has cleared this blogger's - massively overgrown (and 'massively' was <i>not</i>, in any way, an overstatement) - back garden and that he was was in the process of doing the same to the - only slightly less overgrown - front. Although that, he noted as if expecting this blogger to be disappointed, would take him a couple of days to trim back the massively unmanicured lawns of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. <br />
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Shocked - <i>and</i> stunned - this blogger gabbled his sincere thanks and offered to pay Ahmed for his time and effort. He refused payment and said that he done it because he knew that this blogger <i>couldn't</i> due to Keith Telly Topping's on-going health issues. That was, in short, one of the most touching things this blogger thinks that's ever happened to him. Right up there with the time that some anonymous person returned the wallet that Keith Telly Topping dropped on the bus back in 1992! This blogger was genuinely choked by the gesture and, immediately, alerted <i>Facebook</i> to the fact that he appears to have a Goddamn <i>Saint</i> living next door to him. This blogger's <i>Facebook</i> fiends, to a man, woman, or gender-non-specific individual, agreed that Ahmed is, indeed, a jolly <i>sound</i> bloke. <br />
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'So, what is <i>this</i>? Some remnant of a Roman tracked vehicle?' asked this blogger's fiend Nick when this blogger posted some pictures of the garden's current - work-in-progress, albeit, <i>not</i> this blogger's work-in-progress - state. Just Christine, the small Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House coffee table, this blogger replied, 'one of the first things I bought when I moved into the gaff (twenty quid from a second hand shop!) One of the legs broke and it's been lying out in the back garden for five years or more.' Then Nick wondered, what was he misinterpreting as a rubber track/belt? 'Did your coffee table grind the coffee?' Christine did not, this blogger assured him. 'I know <i>exactly</i> what that is now and, ultimately, I didn't even have to go downstairs to check it out (I merely looked out of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bedroom window and said "oh, yes, it's <i>that</i>"!) It's, actually, the side part of an old upstanding CD rack-type-cabinet-affair which broke, probably around the same time as the small coffee table did and got put outside as a consequence.' Any dear blog readers who wish to do so may now indulge in some serious speculation about why so many hapless items of furniture used to get <i>smashed up</i> at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. This blogger couldn't possibly comment. <br />
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'So, what were the highlights of <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-66013118">Glastonbury 2023</a>, Keith Telly Topping?' this blogger hears you all asking. Well, a few of you asking, anyway. Blondie on Sunday afternoon, <i>that</i> goes without saying (Clem Burke can still drum like he's killing warthogs and, The Jesus Of Cool Glen Matlock on bass). David Grohl drumming with Chrissie Hynde, Johnny Marr and The Pretenders on a spirited version of 'Tattooed Love Boys'. The Goddess that is Allison Goldfrapp and a splendid set by the very talented Maggie Rogers, just off the top of this blogger's head. <br />
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And, obviously yer man Sir Elt was on top form to close the whole thing off. With a 'career-spanning' set that actually included but <i>one</i> song released after 1984! Mind you, dear blog reader, this blogger was <i>so</i> tired the following morning; a necessary conceit after he'd stayed up half-the-sodding-night just to hear Sir Elt play 'Crocodile Rock' one more time. (Admittedly, it was the best version of the song this blogger has heard from Sir Elt since <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dsh30mSPhq4"><b>The Muppet Show</b></a>.) I'm never doing <i>that</i> again, dear blog reader. And, if he's true to his word, neither is Sir Elt his very self. <i>Lovely</i> duet with Brandon Flowers on 'Tiny Dancer', mind. Though we should all, probably, be grateful that the Glastonbury crowd <i>didn't</i> start singing '<a href="https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=306044334561979">I've got ham but I'm not a hamster</a>' at that juncture. <br />
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For this blogger, however, the <i>total expected</i> highlight - well, apart from Wor Geet Canny Luscious Lovely Lauren Laverne, obviously - was <i>From The North</i> favourites Sparks dropping a pop atom bomb on The Main Stage with a sublime set. One which climaxed with Ron and Russell being joined by Cate Blanchett to recreate her appearance in the video for 'The Girl Is Crying In Her Latte'. <br />
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And then, getting their mate Edgar Wright to take the (now traditional) 'photo with the audience' at the end. God, this blogger <i>loves</i> those guys. <br />
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The <i>unexpected</i> highlight of the festival, though, was good old Rick Astley, fresh from his own (very well-received) set joining Blossoms for <a href="https://www.slicingupeyeballs.com/2023/06/24/rick-astley-blossoms-smiths-set-glastonbury/">an astonishing set of The Smiths covers</a>. If this blogger hadn't seen it with his own, astonished, eyes he would <i>never</i> have believed it. And, it was actually really rather good. If only we'd known how well Rick can do this sort of thing <i>before</i> <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/we-all-follow-united-tiding-of-magpies.html">the much-missed Andy Rourke died last month</a>, the idea of The Johnny Marr Trio (Plus Rick Astley) touring the world might've actually been <i>a proper thing</i>.<br />
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All that said, let us just pretend that Guns N' Roses <i>never happened</i>, all right? <br />
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Oh very well, Mister Coven, if we absolutely <i>must</i> ... <br />
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The <i>From The North</i> Headline Of The Week award goes to the <i>Worcester News</i> for their world-class piece of reportage, <a href="https://www.worcesternews.co.uk/news/23601371.seagulls-attacking-defecating-sandys-road-residents/"><i>Seagulls Attacking & Defecating On Sandy's Road Residents</i></a>. Well, whom amongst us hasn't always rather <i>wanted</i> to do that? This blogger knows that <i>he</i> has. Frequently. <br />
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And finally, dear blog reader, are any of you lot interested in <i>this</i> exciting potential opportunity? <br />
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Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-57732283965096485842023-06-19T20:07:00.003+01:002023-08-01T05:59:05.534+01:00Fragments From A Shattered Brain<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's that old <i>From The North</i> bloggerisationisms time yet again, dearest blog readers. Therefore, hang onto yer hats and here we go. <br />
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The delightful Bonnie Langford will <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/2023/bonnie-langford-doctor-who-return">reprise</a> her role as former companion Melanie Bush as she returns to <b>Doctor Who</b>, this time starring alongside Ncuti Gatwa. Bonnie first entered the world of <b>Doctor Who</b> in 1986 as the companion to the Sixth and then the Seventh Doctors (played by The Crap One and Sylvester McCoy), before returning in a cameo role in Jodie Whittaker's final episode last year. Once regarded by some - no doubt perfect - specimens of humanity as possibly the most miscast person ever to appear in <b>Doctor Who</b> Bonnie's cause was not helped by the fact that nine of the twenty four episodes in which she appeared were written by the truly disastrous Pip and Jane Baker. And were, frankly, about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. In her later stories, however (notably 1987's <i>Delta & The Bannermen</i> and <i>Dragonfire</i>) when actually given something to do by writers who didn't regard dialogue as a messy inconvenience, Bonnie proved herself to be a more than capable and subtle actress and her reputation has grown in the decades since with several appearances in Big Finish audios. Making her West End debut at just seven years old in <i>Gone With The Wind</i> at Theatre Royal Drury Lane, Bonnie has since gone on to lead a wide-ranging career. From her countless performances on both Broadway and West End, such as <i>Chicago</i>, <i>Nine To Five</i> and <i>Cats</i>, to her role as Carmel Kazemi on <b>EastEnders</b>. Bonnie said: 'I am absolutely thrilled to be bringing Melanie Bush back. To be part of the exceptional cast, crew and production team led by the force of nature that is Russell T Davies is a career highlight. I'm so privileged and proud to have been a member of the <b>Doctor Who</b> family since the classic era and to be included in the new generation is phenomenal.' Big Rusty added: 'Open those TARDIS doors wide, because Bonnie's back! What an honour, delight and hoot to welcome back the character of Melanie, after too long away. And this isn't just a cameo, Bonnie is right in the thick of the action, battling monsters and chaos and cliffhangers, right at The Doctor's side, just like the old days.' <br />
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And, indeed, within hours of that report appearing, Bonnie was spotted filming on location in Cardiff with Ncuti. <br />
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Having just won a BAFTA at the age of fourteen, Lenny Rush's stardom is once again about to go out of this world as he takes on the role of Morris in the new series of <b>Doctor Who</b>. <br />
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According to some worthless shite of no importance at the <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/dr-who-star-millie-gibson-30258693"><i>Daily Mirra</i></a> (which used to be a far more reliable reporting source when they simply hacked mobile phones for their stories), Millie Gibson has been 'branded a diva after struggling to deal with night shoots since filming began in Cardiff.' An alleged - though, nameless and, therefore, almost certain fictitious - 'member of the production team' (also described as a 'source' and an 'insider') allegedly snitched, like a filthy, stinking Copper's Nark: 'She is determined to get it right. But the days are long and at times, when night filming has been suggested, she has made her feelings clear. Millie is a pro on-set and although night shoots are part of the job, they can be tiring for even the most experienced actors. She won't be the first or last person to be a bit annoyed by a night shoot, but it has won her some snippy comments behind the scenes. The word "diva" has been used once or twice when tempers are fraying.' Said, of course, in that typically tabloidesque 'real people don't talk like <i>that</i>' way. The <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12207337/Dr-star-Millie-Gibson-branded-diva-struggling-deal-night-shoots.html">story</a> was also picked up, of course, by those lice at <i>Daily Scum Mail</i>. So, <i>there</i> are two media sources that you <i>really</i> want to put your trust in.<br />
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Yasmin Finney has spoken about a 'throwback' for <b>Doctor Who</b>'s upcoming sixtieth anniversary specials. The actress is set to take on the role of Rose in the trio of episodes appearing alongside a returning David Tennant and Catherine Tate. You knew <i>that</i>, right? 'Get ready, because it really is a throwback,' Yasmin <a href="https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/yasmin-finney-heartstopper-doctor-who-interview-2023">told</a> <i>GQ</i>. The actress also shared her praise for returning showrunner Big Rusty, calling him one of the 'wisest men' she's met. 'You know what, he's always been ahead of his time. Always. And that's something that I see in myself and I see reflected in his writing. I see the power he holds with every word,' Finney added.<br />
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Speaking on a recent appearance on <b>The ONE Show</b>, Catherine Tate was asked whether it was 'an immediate yes' when she was asked to play Donna Noble once more in <b>Doctor Who</b>'s sixtieth anniversary. 'Oh, gosh, of course it was,' she replied to the stupid question. 'Absolutely a complete no-brainer. I don't think David and I thought for a second we'd ever get another bite of those cherries. And we did. And it was like, I think for the both of us, it was like slipping into old slippers.' <br />
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An article in the <i>Daily Mirra</i> (yes, them again) has <a href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/more-lost-doctor-who-episodes-30195820">claimed</a>, with no supporting evidence whatsoever apart from some Chinese whispers, that anunspecified number of previously lost 1960s episodes of <b>Doctor Who</b> have been recovered by Philip Morris whom the <i>Mirra</i>, somewhat implausibly, describe as 'the film world's Indiana Jones.' Meaning, presumably, he's got a whip and he's scared of snakes? Dear blog readers with older memories may recall that in 2013, some rank <i>clot</i> at the <i>Mirra</i>'s sister paper, the <i>Sunday People</i> <a href="http://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2013/10/rumours-of-my-survival-have-been.html">claimed</a> that all one hundred and six then-missing episodes had been found in Ethiopia. They <i>hadn't</i>, of coyrse, although nine <i>had</i> been found in Nigeria. So, different number, different country but otherwise ... If anyone from any of the <i>Mirra</i> Group newspapers stated <i>anything</i> which hadn't been found in a court of law, to have come from a hacked telephone message, then this blogger would be asking for a second opinion. <br />
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This blogger's most excellent fiend Ben recently wondered whether this blogger had ever <i>really</i> deserved one of <i>these</i> bad mothas in his long and weary existence. <br />
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Keith Telly Topping had, he was forced to confess, <i>so</i> many questions about this, dear blog reader. The main one being why did Mister Pertwee have his own hair but Patrick Troughton's face? <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnI2fODEDdzOs3WxokwPvvzBgb7Pk9QYCVjlHyDQP76foQvWJ8S9ckMxcVnhN8DWFDi0HUiSLzjatK93ublFlTxoYjz-5-A1caeMa5vmjIn2Na75vJEhR4S-JBv1s1T79YOrM7eFWyFz7G_YtKpxIsnT88BWiW9y-Hmpxu2ILJLkX3vikNqQ/s762/445.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="630" data-original-width="762" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnI2fODEDdzOs3WxokwPvvzBgb7Pk9QYCVjlHyDQP76foQvWJ8S9ckMxcVnhN8DWFDi0HUiSLzjatK93ublFlTxoYjz-5-A1caeMa5vmjIn2Na75vJEhR4S-JBv1s1T79YOrM7eFWyFz7G_YtKpxIsnT88BWiW9y-Hmpxu2ILJLkX3vikNqQ/s320/445.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
After careful - and lengthy - consideration, this blogger has come to the conclusion that the following are <i>not</i> allowed either on this very blog or on Keith Telly Topping's <i>Facebook page</i>: Sick racism; sexist gittery; homophobic sneering; transphobia; right-wing scumbaggery; Bible-based Christian bigotry from people who've seemingly, read their Bible cover-to-cover but missed Matthew 7:1; crass Middle Class hippy Communist <i>Gruniad Morning Star</i>-style whinging about what a right shite state of affairs the world is in (we all <i>know</i> that, we don't need reminding of it on a daily basis); threats of violence; negative comments about the latest <b>Doctor Who</b> episodes after Keith Telly Topping has asked (nicely) for positive comments only (and said 'please'). Apart from those, dear blog reader, pretty much anything goes. With, perhaps, this exception. <br />
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On further reflection, however, there was one further addition to the 'things which are not allowed on this page' malarkey. You <i>know</i> it makes sense. <br />
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And now, dear blog reader, it's that old favourite Magnificently Daft Lines From <i>Buffy The Vampire Slaye</i>r (1997-2003). Number Seventy Three: <i>Selfless</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Seventy Four: <i>Inca Mummy Girl</i>. <br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Seventy Five: <i>Homecoming</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Seventy Six: <i>Doomed</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Seventy Seven: <i>The Gift</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Seventy Eight: <i>Superstar</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Seventy Nine: <i>Normal Again</i>. <br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Eighty: <i>End Of Days</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Eighty One: <i>Bew*tched, Bothered & Bewildered</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Eighty Two: <i>Fool For Love</i>.<br />
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Having thoroughly enjoyed the first three episodes of Apple TV's <b>The Crowded Room</b>, the preview discs of which rocked up at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House last week, this blogger reached episode four on Friday. Which took place in <i>the</i> most stock-footage-and-shonky-<i>matte</i>-backdrop London in the history of US telly (and that takes some doing). But, The Clash on the soundtrack <i>and</i> Hello To <i>From The North</i> favourite Jason Isaacs. So, somehow, the whole thing worked far better than it should have! And, not for nothing, but young Tom Holland is <i>fine</i> actor. <br />
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Also arriving at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House that same day was the preview disc for the first episode of <b>Strange New Worlds</b> series two and a copy of <b>The Sandman</b> series one soundtrack CD (featuring David Bckley's lush score). But, they had to wait as this blogger had a busy day planned watching the opening day of The Ashes, F1 practice for the Canadian Grand Prix, the England versus Malta fitba international and, squeezed in between everything else, a couple of recently downloaded podcast episodes. It's a busy old life an' no mistake, dear blog reader.<br />
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In the event, this blogger did manage to fit in <b>Strange New Worlds</b>, <i>The Broken Circle</i> which he thought was a splendid rip-roaring rollercoaster of an adventure. And, it was especially nice to see sixty years worth of 'shipper fan-fiction entirely justified when Spock managed to grab a feel of Christine Chapel's tit (see picture below). It's the simple things in life, dear blog reader, which appeal to this blogger the mostest, baby.<br />
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Also caught up with this week were the final two episodes of <i>From The North</i> favourite <b>White House Plumbers</b>. Which was, this blogger is delighted to report, thigh-slappingly hilarious <i>and</i>, actually, in places quite touching. Plus, they included one of this blogger's favourite dialogue exchanged from TV so far this year. 'The point is, the prosecutors should <i>know</i> why we did what we did,' Howard Hunt tells his co-conspirators. 'Sometimes <i>I</i>find it confusing,' replies Eugenio Martinez. 'And we <i>did it</i>!' <br />
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On Sunday, this blogger fond himself faced with an almost impossible conundrum, dear blog reader. Whether to watch <i>Paddington 2</i> on BBC1 or <i>Diamonds Are Forever</i> on ITV. Now <i>there</i> was a choice Keith Telly Topping has never found himself in a position of having to make, previously. <br />
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On the third day of The Ashes, shortly after lunch, Darth Vader was spotted by the Sky Sports cameras <a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/sport/22731859/darth-vader-england-ashes-edgbaston-fans-joke/">getting chucked out</a> by a couple of stewards. 'I wonder what he's done to deserve <i>that</i>' said Mike Atherton on commentary. Well, using The Death Star to destroy Alderaan and the genocide of all of its inhabitants <i>might</i> be considered worthy of expulsion from Edgbaston, Michael.<br />
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As you may be aware, dear blog reader, the latest set of stamps issued by The Royal Mail <a href="https://shop.royalmail.com/special-stamp-issues/blackadder">celebrate the fortieth anniversary</a> of <i>From The North</i> favourite <b>The Black Adder</b>. How wonderfully marvellous it was to discover, therefore, that the most expensive of all of these stamps (the two pounds and twenty pee one, for use on larger packages) commemorates the very moment of Lord Percy's alchemic discovery of '<i>green</i>'. <br />
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On Thursday of last week, dear blog reader, this blogger had one of his periodical departures from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House for to meet up with his occasional fiend, Young Malcolm at our regular hunt, the Little Asia. Where, as per usual, much excellent nosh was part-taken there. (Chicken and sweetcorn soup with prawn crackers, sesame prawn toast and king prawn curry with egg fried rice, if you're taking notes at this point.) <br />
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This blogger was, he must confess, most amused when watching Young Malcolm attempt to weasel his way towards an explanation <i>and</i> an excuse for <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-65913692">the disgraceful actions and <i>lying</i></a> of his hero, Bashing Boris The Lying Liar. Which involved 'whataboutism', 'blame the make-up of the Commons Privileges Committee' (you know, the one that was dominated by a majority of members of Johnson's own party. But, apparently, they're not the <i>right</i> Tories for the job because they don't like him), that Bashing Boris's bullish and aggressive attitude towards the committee did not do him more harm than good and, best of all, claiming that Bashing Boris 'will be back.' Just like The Terminator. <br />
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Which <i>was</i> funny. Albeit, not nearly as funny as the front page of the <i>Daily Lies</i> the next day. <i>That</i>, dear blog reader, was <i>really</i> funny. <br />
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Also in the news last week ... <br />
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In <i>other</i> news, this blogger had a delivery on a new electric shaver (it was one of those 'we'll throw in some other stuff for free' deals which this blogger always rather likes). The package turned up at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House with a rather spiffing pair of boxer shorts, some shaving gel and aftershave balm, plus a few other bits and pieces. Unfortunately, the balm had leaked in transit so some of the stuff was a bit wet. And, having - as instructed - charged up the shaver for ninety minutes (and not a single second longer) this blogger found that the bloody thing wouldn't work. So Keith Telly Topping e-mailed the company - politely - mentioning all of this; they replied - equally politely - 'have you tried pushing the power button three times as it's probably still on factory setting?' This blogger did, it worked and, as a conssequence, Keith Telly Topping felt both foolish and apologetic. The company, however, were very nice about it ('it's a common thing, don't sweat it') <i>and</i> they offered to send another bottle of balm free of charge as compensation to the leakage. So you see, dear blog reader, it always pays to be polite! <br />
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It has been claimed - by people who know about this sort of thing - that the difference between a man and a g<i>entleman</i> is that a gentleman would never, under <i>any</i> circumstances, lick the butter knife after usage. This blogger is delighted, therefore, to note that he am <i>a man</i> and bloody proud of it!<br />
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Next, dear blog reader, some jolly wise words from Our Lord which this blogger is sure you will all appreciate. <br />
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A mad-hot Monday morning followed a deeply uncomfortable night of eith Telly Topping's omnipresent insomnia. Thus by nine o'clock that morning, this blogger had already been down on the bus to ALDI, got the weekly shopping done and had completed The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House laundry. See, sleep-depravation <i>can</i> be ... effing exhausting! <br />
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According to <a href="https://uk.news.yahoo.com/ranvir-singh-left-sobbing-itv-080000620.html"><i>Bang Showbiz</i></a> (no, me neither), Ranvir Singh has been 'left sobbing after ITV axe.' One is not in the least bit surprised, dear blog reader. Axes can be <i>really</i> sharp. <br />
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On a somewhat related theme, the <i>Northern Echo</i> <a href="https://uk.news.yahoo.com/big-name-shows-axed-channel-054929229.html">claims</a> that 'big name shows' have been 'axed' by Channel Four in what 'staff are calling a bloodbath.' And, <i>again</i>, <i>that's</i> usually what happens when you go messing about with axes. According to the <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-12181609/Bloodbath-Channel-4-station-axes-host-popular-shows-running-money.html"><i>Daily Scum Mail</i></a>, <b>Naked Attraction</b>, <b>Scared Of The Dark</b>, medical documentary <b>Rescue: Extreme Medics</b> and <b>Four Weddings</b> have all been axed. <br />
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Let both of these sad stories be a lesson to everyone in the film and TV industry, therefore. Axes are bloody dangerous and you can most definitely have someone's eye out with one of those.<br />
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And finally, dear blog reader, <i>From The North</i>'s Headline Of The Week award goes to <i>LancsLive</i> for <a href="https://www.lancs.live/news/lancashire-news/welsh-man-living-blackpool-left-27150529"><i>Welsh Man Living In Blackpool Left Incensed At 'Sheep Lover' Stereotypes</i></a>. This blogger feels bad for the bloke. I mean, living in <i>Blackpool</i>. Horrorshow. <br />
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</div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23880085.post-56939309559284723592023-06-05T06:52:00.010+01:002023-06-08T18:37:36.920+01:00Supplementary Evidence<div style="text-align: justify;">
A film crew was present from 30 May to 2 June inside an academic building on The Parade in Cardiff for what is believed to be episode two of the next <b>Doctor Who</b> series, featuring Ncuti Gatwa. The production crew had previously filmed at the same location on 8 May with the street freshly painted with a zebra crossing akin to the one famously pictured on famous <i>Abbey Road</i> LP cover by The Famous Be-Atles (a popular - and famous - beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them). This time scenes were shot in the basement of an unused building owned by Cardiff & Vale College, Ncuti Gatwa and Mille Gibson were filmed running down The Parade and going inside the same building during the 8 May filming. The crew continued at the location on 31 May where an onlooker claimed to have spotted actors 'resembling the four members' of The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) and a double for Millie Gibson in her - rather <i>dish</i> - 1960s costume <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">previously featured on this blog</a>. In <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Magazine</i> issue number five hundred and eighty six (available from all good newsagents ... and some bad ones, too) Russell Davies stated: 'Here I am, with [the script for] episode two in front of me (it contains the words "Liverpool", "legions" and "non-diegetic").' <br />
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Award-winning actress Indira Varma is joining the next series of <b>Doctor Who</b>. First entering the - extended - world(s) of <b>Doctor Who</b> as Suzie Costello in Russell Davies' spin-off series <b>Torchwood</b>, Indira now steps on-board the TARDIS in her new 'mysterious' role as The Duchess. Probably <i>not</i> the one <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6DCnrXHJGI">featured</a> in The Stranglers 1979 single of the same name. Though, with Big Rusty, one can never be entirely certain on such matters. Indira is well known for her recent role as Ingrid in the thriller series <b>Obsession</b> and her performance as Ellaria Sand on <b>Game Of Thrones</b>. She now joins <b>Doctor Who</b> from across the galaxy after recently starring in Disney+'s <b>Obi-Wan Kenobi</b>. Indira has also been celebrated onstage, winning an Olivier Award for her portrayal of Liz Essendine in <i>Present Laughter</i> as well as starring other major theatre productions including the acclaimed <i>Man & Superman</i> and Jamie Lloyd's production of Chekhov's <i>The Seagull</i>. Speaking about joining the <b>Doctor Who</b> cast, Indira Varma <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/2023/doctor-who-indira-varma">said</a>: 'I'm thrilled to be in <b>Doctor Who</b> and particularly excited to be crossing cosmic paths with Ncuti, as The Doctor and look forward to creating interplanetary mischief with him. I loved playing Suzie Costello for Russell in <b>Torchwood</b> so am thrilled to be entering this world again.' Big Rusty his very self added: 'I'm overjoyed to be reunited with Indira after our <b>Torchwood</b> days and this part is truly spectacular! A whole new audience will be hiding behind the settee when The Duchess unleashes her terror.' God forbid. <br />
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The once and future Doctor, national heartthrob David Tennant, whilst speaking with a fan in a video clip posted on <i>Twitter</i>, has suggested that the forthcoming <b>Doctor Who</b> sixtieth anniversary trilogy is 'going to be quite unexpected.' No shit? When he was subsequently asked whether there would be 'lots of surprises, like the old days,' David added: 'Yeah, definitely. <i>Exactly</i>!' He continued: 'I think there's stuff that people do not know is coming. And there's some stuff that people <i>do</i> know is coming.' And, this not-really-saying-<i>anything</i>-that-we-didn't-already-know piece of abject <i>fluff</i> was then <a href="https://www.radiotimes.com/tv/sci-fi/doctor-who-david-tennant-teases-60th-newsupdate/">claimed</a>, by the <i>Radio Times</i> (which used to be run by <i>adults</i>) to be 'an exclusive.' Which, it <i>really</i> isn't. <br />
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The cover for the latest issue of <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Magazine</i> (available from all good newsagents ... and, some bad ones too) gives fans a new look at Yasmin Finney, who will make her debut as the character Rose in the sixtieth anniversary specials later this year. We got our first glimpse of Rose in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtzRP0fycII">the initial trailer</a> for the upcoming anniversary episodes released last Christmas and we saw a bit more of her in the recently released <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDi_OQxVqMY">second trailer</a>. The cover of this month's <i><b>Doctor Who</b> Magazine</i> provides a better look at Yasmin. Very few details about the character have been revealed, but there is a popular fan-theory that she is the daughter of Catherine Tate's Donna Noble, with her name a potential nod to Billy Piper's Rose Tyler. Finney is <i>not</i> playing a new version of Tyler, as some - tragically uninformed - newspapers have speculated. Particularly some desperately ill-informed numbskull at <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/yasmin-finney-doctor-who-rose-b2328668.html">the <i>Independent</i></a>. <br />
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For this latest bloggerisation update's <i>From The North</i> Recommends You Have A Right Good Butchers At <i>This</i> Article thingy, Keith Telly Topping draws all dear blog readers attention to a jolly well-written and researched think-piece written by <i>CBR.com</i>'s Sean Bassett, <i>The Ten Worst Things About The <b>Doctor Who</b> Fandom</i>. Which you can read, <a href="https://www.cbr.com/doctor-who-fandom-worst-things/">here</a>. And, you should. 'The <b>Doctor Who</b> fandom has been responsible for some of the most wonderful things, but equally some factions of the fan base have displayed some abhorrent behavior [sic],' Sean begins. True that. As a member and close observer of said collective for close on forty years (this blogger is not bragging, you understand, merely ... old), this blogger agrees with you entirely, mate. The ten things are, in case you're wondering, Dismissive of other mediums; Fan entitlement; Nitpicking; Gatekeeping; Taking the show too seriously; A snobbish attitude; Controversial members; The "Not My Doctor" Group; Stalking the Cast & Crew and an outspoken nature. And, when you're reading it, keep a quick tally of how many you reckon <i>you've</i> been guilty of at some stage over the years. This blogger believes he's been in <i>at least</i> three columns at one time or another (possibly four). <i>Especially</i> nitpicking! Well, he did once co-write a book that took <i>that</i> particular idea to it's logical extreme. (<a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doctor-Discontinuity-Guide-Gateway-Essentials-ebook/dp/B00FRKF61G/ref=sr_1_4?qid=1685908287&refinements=p_27%3A+Keith%5CcTopping&s=books&sr=1-4">Still available</a> for Kindle on Amazon, incidentally!) So, yes <i>all</i> of these are valid to one degree or another. Although, to be be scrupulously fair, <i>most</i> fandoms (TV, film, comics, sport, literature, music, comedy) suffer from a decent-sized dose of the vast majority of these issues. Particularly the 'taking it all too seriously' thing! That sort of defines what being in a fandom (<i>any</i> fandom) is all about, surely? This blogger used to joke with his fiends when someone on <i>Outpost Gallifrey</i> or <i>Twitter</i> or (in even older days) fanzine writers would be getting rather hot under the collar about some trivial this, that or the other, 'if you think <i>this</i> is bad, check up some of the forums for rock bands, or football clubs, that'll <i>really</i> make your hair stand on end.' One of the main problems with <b>Doctor Who</b> fandom is perfectly illustrated by the 'Gatekeeping' section, however. 'The show's fan base is deeply passionate about <b>Doctor Who</b>,' writes Sean, 'as they spend hours debating about it online. While this infectious enthusiasm can help attract new viewers through positive word-of-mouth, occasionally it can prove a hindrance. Some corners of the <i>Doctor Who</i> fandom insist that viewers must watch certain content from its past to be a "true fan." One of the fan base's most common demands is that audiences check out the classic series if they wish to be welcomed into the community.' That, right there, is the gist of the problem - the whole 'classic <b>Who</b>' versus nu-<b>Who</b>' division. Quite apart from the use of the horribly agenda-soaked word 'classic' (as opposed to, I dunno, 'old' maybe), this blogger has always been of the view that anyone who is a fan of <b>Doctor Who</b> should, as a consequence, be a fan of the TV series which began on the BBC on 23 November 1963 and, sixty years later, is <i>still</i> running on the BBC. Sure, you don't have to like all of it (this blogger has, as long term dear blog readers will know, some jolly serious issues with the Colin Baker era, for example) but, ultimately, it's all the same production of the same central conceit. The argument that 2005 or 2015 <b>Doctor Who</b> are not 'real' <b>Doctor Who</b> because they don't look like 1965 <b>Doctor Who</b> holds no water. If only because 1975 and 1985 <b>Doctor Who</b> didn't look like 1965 <b>Doctor Who</b> either. But they're all, still, <b>Doctor Who</b> because that's what it says on the tin. This blogger isn't sure whether that attitude counts as 'reverse-gatekeeping' or not but, Keith Telly Topping is fine with the concept of people in their sixties who were there for <i>An Unearthly Child</i> and younglings whose first Doctor was Jodie Whittaker all being part of the same fan collective. <i>All</i> are welcome, yes indeed. Anyway, it's damned good article, thought-provoking, challenging and well-worth a few moments of your precious time, dear blog reader. Check it out. <br />
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<i>From The North</i>'s <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/keith-telly-topping-presents-from-north.html">favourite TV series of 2022</a>, <b>The Sandman</b> is currently in the thick of pre-production on series two. Creator Neil Gaiman revealed this during a recent exchange on <i>Tumblr</i>. Which is where the <a href="https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/ustv/a43642921/the-sandman-season-2-exciting-update-neil-gaiman/"><i>Digital Spy</i> website</a> appears to get most of its stories these days. A fan message to Neil read: 'I've not seen or heard much news on <b>The Sandman</b> season two, could you perhaps give us a little news on how that's coming on if that's okay?' Instead of telling the annoying little pipsqueak to bugger off and learn a valuable lesson in patience Neil - because, he's much too nice for that sort of thing - replied: 'Scripts are written. We are casting the first episode we will be shooting. Sets are being designed.' The next series of the acclaimed comic book adaptation will, once again, see Tom Sturridge as Morpheus, a role which forced the actor to drastically alter his body. 'There's so many aspects of his physicality that were important to me, simply because he doesn't express himself traditionally, often. And so the way that he moves, I think, could be an enlightening way of how he can articulate himself,' he said last year. 'I wanted to build a body that felt like a creature and was true to the images that are in the comics. It's someone whose flesh is burnt away and is just sinew and bone.' He added: 'As far as how difficult that was to achieve - it was in the sense that it required discipline and working out and not eating that much. But actually, acting is such an ephemeral job. We're constantly trying to catch clouds when we go to work. To work out is really easy. Because you just do the six things they tell you to do and it happens.' <br />
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As the Hollywood writers' strike reaches the end of its first week with no development in writing professionals having their demands heard, the shadow of delayed productions grows bigger as studios remain unwilling to pay writers a fair wage or address their concerns about the increasing uses of AI-generated content in script production. This week, Neil Gaiman <a href="https://collider.com/the-sandman-season-2-writers-strike-neil-gaiman-comments/">addressed</a> the WGA strike and whether it would affect the production of the Netflix series. Neil provided an important update when a fan asked this week if the production could be delayed due to the strike. Gaiman stated that 'whether or not any of <b>Sandman</b> is delayed depends on how long the strike goes.' He added that 'there won't be scab scripts on <b>Sandman</b>.' There is power in a union, brothers and sisters. Up the workers. <br />
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And now, Magnificently Daft Lines From <i>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</i> (1997-2003). Number Sixty One: <i>Potential</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Sixty Two: <i>Phases</i>. <br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Sixty Three: <i>Lovers Walk</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Sixty Four: <i>The I In Team</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Sixty Five: <i>Checkpoint</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Sixty Six: <i>Same Time, Same Place</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Sixty Seven: <i>Get It Done</i>. <br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Sixty Eight: <i>Helpless</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Sixty Nine: <i>Crush</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Seventy: <i>Where The Wild Things Are</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Seventy One: <i>Goodbye Iowa</i>.<br />
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Magnificently Daft Lines From <b>Buffy The Vampire Slayer</b> (1997-2003). Number Seventy Two: <i>Restless</i>.<br />
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Earlier this week, dear blog reader, this blogger's preview copies of the first two episodes of <b>White House Plumbers</b> rocked up at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. On the strength of these, this blogger is delighted to report that the five-part series appears to be every bit as admirably <i>deranged</i> as this blogger hoped it would be. Keith Telly Topping especially enjoyed the opening caption to the first episode ('The names have <i>not</i> been changed to protect the innocent ... Because most of them were <i>found guilty</i>!') Particular kudos are due to Justin Theroux who actually manages the impossible and <i>underplays</i> Gordon Liddy! <br />
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Over this weekend this blogger stumbled, completely accidentally, upon a ghastly, genuinely awful and sneering homophobic slur posted on a fiend's <i>Facebook</i> page by someone whom this blogger does njot know but who was, clearly, a fiend of that fiend. At which point, this blogger found himself terribly conflicted over whether to report the post to the relative authorities since a) it <i>was</i> a ghastly, sneering homophobic slur using a term that went out of wide usage in the 1980s but, b) it was about Mister Schofield. Upon further reflection, this blogger did what he believes most right-thinking people would in such a situation and snitched the poster up, right good and proper to <i>Facebook</i>'s complaint department like a filthy stinking Copper's Nark. And, therefore, he let <i>them</i> decide on the morality of the issue (still no word the outcome at the time of writing). But, it's a useful illustration of how the Twenty First Century is so <i>confusing</i> on all sorts of levels. <br />
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Which brings us with the full and frank inevitability of the frankly inevitable to that part of <i>From The North</i> dedicated to this blogger's on-going medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking, <i>malarkeys</i> as there are several of them. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the building of the Great Wall of China, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/01/in-end-it-is-impossible-not-to-become.html">spent some weeks around Christmas 2021 into New Year 2022 feeling rotten</a>; experienced <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/keith-tellly-topping-always-believed.html">five days in hospital</a>; was <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/02/having-sister-is-like-having-best.html">discharged</a>; received <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/when-some-old-cricketers-leave-crease.html">B12 injections</a>; then <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/umpa-umpa-stick-it-up-yer-jumper.html">more injections</a>; somewhat recovered his missing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/a-serviceable-villain.html">appetite</a>; got an initial <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-common-curse-of-mankind-folly.html">diagnosis</a>; had a <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/condemn-fault-not-actor-of-it.html">consultant's meeting</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-green-eyed-monster-which-doth-mock.html">continued to suffer fatigue and insomnia</a>; endured <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/04/good-without-evil-is-like-light-without.html">a second endoscopy</a>; had another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/men-shut-their-doors-against-setting-sun.html">consultation</a>; got (unrelated) <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/in-sieve-ill-thither-sail.html">toothache</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-triple-pillar-of-world-transformed.html">extraction</a>; which took ages to <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/time-is-wisest-counsellor-of-all.html">heal</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/05/i-must-yield-my-body-to-earth-and-by-my.html"><i>another</i> consultation</a>; spent a week where <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/rather-say-i-play-man-i-am.html">nothing remotely health-related occurred</a>; was given <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/i-dont-like-where-you-come-from-its.html">further B-12 injections</a>; had an <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/madness-is-glory-of-this-life.html">echocardiogram</a>; received more <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/06/what-we-changed-was-innocence-for.html">blood extractions</a>; made another <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/the-powr-that-i-have-on-you-is-to-spare.html">hospital visit</a>; saw the insomnia and torpor <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/full-fathom-five-thy-father-lies.html">continue</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/they-will-pluck-away-his-natural-cause.html">received</a> yet more blood tests; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/heat-not-furnace-for-your-foe-so-hot.html">a rearranged appointment</a> for his sick note; suffered <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/07/sit-by-my-side-let-world-slip-we-shall.html">his worst period yet</a> with the fatigue. Until the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/if-i-chance-to-talk-little-wild-forgive.html">following week</a>. And, then the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/hitchin-ride-with-sandman.html">week after that</a>. Oh, the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/08/there-goes-summer.html">fatigue</a>, dear blog reader. The <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/left-hand-drive.html">depressing, ceaseless fatigue</a>. He had a go on <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-blood-letting-machine.html">the Blood-Letting Machine</a>; got <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-think-king-is-but-man-as-i-am.html">another sickie</a>; had <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/09/i-saw-smith-stand-with-his-hammer.html">an assessment</a>; was given his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/the-youth-of-yesterday.html">fourth COVID jab</a>; got some <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/under-radar.html">surprising news</a> about his assessment; had the results of his <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/10/you-dont-say-who-you-say-whom.html">annual diabetes check-up</a>; had another <i>really</i> bad week <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/time-slips-through-our-hands-like.html">with the fatigue</a>; followed by one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/this-heart-will-shatter-into-hundred.html">sciatica</a>; then one with the <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/11/you-are-not-worth-dust-which-rude-wind.html">chronic insomnia</a>; and, one with a plethora of <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/lets-have-bit-of-goblin-mode-in-cold.html">general cold-related grottiness</a>. Which continued over <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2022/12/with-packet-of-tweets-sickly-style-last.html">the Christmas period</a> and <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/that-blast-of-january-would-blow-you.html">into New Year</a>. There was that '<a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">slipping in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House bath and putting his knee through the side</a>' thing; the night-time <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/02/i-met-my-maker-i-made-him-cry.html">leg cramps</a>; <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/everyone-of-them-knew-that-as-time-went.html">getting some new spectacles</a> and this blogger's <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/03/persiflage.html">return to the East End pool</a> after over a year of constant inactivity. Only to discover that he remains as weak of a kitten in water. Or, indeed, <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/04/unholy-panjandram.html">out of it</a>. Feeling <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/that-social-creed.html">genuinely wretched</a>. And, experiencing <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/mucho-que-can-eat-carousel.html">a particularly nasty bout of gastroenteritis</a>. <br />
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On Bank Holiday Monday, The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House had a visit from a delightful lady occupational therapist from the Department of Baths, Fran. She's going to recommend getting a shower installed in The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House to replaced <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/01/oh-man-you-shouldnt-do-that-dont-you.html">the knee-cracked bath unit</a>. Which was nice. <br />
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The following day, it was time for this blogger's latest Covid booster (Keith Telly Topping's fifth since that whole malarkey began). Which, thankfully, was arranged for the local pharmacy a mere two minute limp from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House. And, which was stuck into this blogger relatively painlessly - and he uses the word 'relatively' quite wrongly - and with no side-effects suffered. <br />
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So, dear blog reader, that-there 2022-23 English football season. What was <i>that</i> all about, then? <br />
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Following The Arse's calamitous defeat to Nottingham Forest on 20 May, Sheikh Yer Man City officially secured their third consecutive Premier League title with three games to spare. Becoming, in doing so, the first club other than crosstown rivals The Scum to achieve such a feat in the Premier League era. Because, obviously, if you're a Sky Sports viewer, football actually <i>began</i> in 1992 and everything prior to that (apart from one day at Wembley in 1966) was just <i>a mirage</i>. It was Sheikh Yer Man City's ninth league title overall and their seventh since 2012. And this time, mercifully, their village idiot Jack Grealish <i>didn't</i> say something crass and insulting in a drunken interview about any fellow professionals at other clubs. Although, the season hasn't technically <i>finished</i> yet, so he's still got time to dig out his clown's hat and say something stupid. <br />
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Meanwhile, The Arse broke the record of spending the largest number of days (two hundred and forty eight) on top of the league during a top flight season without actually winning the title. The season began with The Arse going on a five-game unbeaten streak before they lost three-one to The Scum at Old Trafford. Sheikh Yer Man City also got off to a strong start, having signed striker Erling Haaland (whose thirty six league goals beat the Premier League record totals previously set by Alan Shearer and Andy Cole, but <i>not</i> the First Division record set by Dixie Dean - who Sky Sports viewers believe was also, clearly, a fictional character); they went on a nine-game unbeaten run before losing at The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws in October. The Scum finished third and returned to the Champions League in sour-faced slapheed Erik Ten Hag's debut season as manager, in addition to having won the Carabao Cup. This blogger's beloved Magpies, in fourth, qualified for the Champions League for the first time in twenty years, their highest finish since Sir Bobby Robson was the club's manager in 2003. As mentioned in <a href="https://keithtopping.blogspot.com/2023/05/we-all-follow-united-tiding-of-magpies.html">a recent bloggerisationism update</a>, Eddie Howe's black n' white army were defensively solid (they only lost five games all season, fewer than anyone except Sheikh Yer Man City) and, late in the season, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TajnR3GgKbE">free scoring</a> - two things which one has seldom associated with Th' Toon for many, many years!<br />
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Whinging Herr Klopp's whinging Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, despite a good late run, nevertheless ended the season <i>outside</i> the Champions League places, in fifth, qualifying instead for the Europa League. Which, seemingly, Herr Klopp and Mo Salah both felt was somewhat beneath a club with <i>A Devine Right To Be In The Top Four</i> and a geet massive big collective chip on their collective shoulder. Brighton & Hove Albinos finished sixth, achieving the highest league finish in the club's history and also qualified for the Europa League for the first time (in the process becoming many football supporters' second favourite Premiership team). A significant achievement for Roberto De Zerbi who replaced Graham Potter (and his nasty hipster beard) when the latter defected - for, supposedly greener grass in South London - to Torpedo Stamford Bridge in September. Aston Villains and their notoriously fair-weather support grabbed that all-important seventh place and, consequently, made it into the Europa Conference League play-off round, at the expense of eighth-placed Stottingtot Hotshots (which was, no doubt, to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ex9UH9uhtow&t=993s">the considerable ire</a> of Spurs's extremely <i>loud</i> army of online commentators. Swear down, blud). To be fair, Stottingtot's season <i>was</i> blighted by injury - most notably the fact that Eric Dier <i>didn't actually have one</i>. Next year will be the first time since 2011 that The Hotshots have failed - <i>miserably</i> - to play in any European competition and they ended this season still without a permanent manager and with Harry Kane, perhaps, having played his last game for the club before a move to Madrid. Or Manchester. Yeah. Good luck with <i>that</i>.<br />
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Brentford had an excellent season finishing ninth - themselves, being in contention for a European place right up to a last day win against the champions - despite ending the season with top scorer Ivan Toney banned from football for nine months for breaches of betting rules. Although the <i>staggering</i> hypocrisy of a football association banning a player for betting on football matches when the second, third and fourth tiers of said association's pyramid are <i>all</i> sponsored by <i>Sky Bet</i> is, perhaps, a question worth talking about. Fulham and Crystal Palace were tenth and eleventh respectively. The Club Formerly Known As Moscow Chelski FC had one of their worst Premier League seasons ever becoming the <i>third</i> highest placed team in West London behind both Fulham <i>and</i> Brentford. Which <i>was</i> funny, admittedly. The Blues finished in the bottom half of the table for the first time since 1996 after sacking Thomas Tuchel (you know, the bloke who'd won them The Champions League just over a year earlier) and then, his replacement, Graham Potter (and his nasty hipster beard) before appointing Frank Lampard as a (truly disastrous) interim manager. And, despite having also spent nearly <i>four hundred million knicker</i> like it was Monopoly®™ money in the January transfer window. If you're looking for a textbook example of how <i>not</i> to run a piss-up-in-a-brewery, dear blog reader, have yourselves a quiet word with yer man Todd Boehly, he'll steer you in the right direction. <br />
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Wolverhampton Wanderings and West Hamsters United both flirted with relegation for a while before pulling clear of the drop-zone in the closing weeks of the season. If The Hamsters win this season's Europa Conference League final (they play Fiorentina later in June), they will qualify for next season's Europa League group stage. Wolves will only be in Europe next year if there is <i>another war</i>. Bournemouth, who were almost unanimously tipped for relegation at the start of the season (particularly after a nine-nil defeat at Anfield at the end of August, which saw manager Scott Parker extremely sacked), ended up confounding the critics by avoiding relegation, with Gary O'Neil guiding the team to safety relatively comfortably. Steve Cooper did a similarly unexpected job at Nottingham Forest. Southampton - who had four managers at various points during the season - finished rock bottom after eleven consecutive years in the division, whilst Dirty Leeds United failed to repeat the last day escape of the previous season (losing four-one at home to Spurs) and were also relegated, after three years in the top flight. Which put a big, fat <i>scowl</i> on big, fat Sam Allardyce's big, fat mush. So, <i>that</i> was definitely worth watching. Leeds fans reportedly attributed their relegation to 'the actions of a complete oaf.' Allardyce responded: 'It's nice of the guys to blame an oaf but, I can't help thinking <i>I'm</i> partly responsible.' Pubs and chips shop outlets in West Yorkshire have been notified accordingly. Three defeats and one draw during his emergency tenure ensured that there really was <i>nobody</i> 'ahead' of him 'in football terms', as he had notoriously claimed - apart for the eighteen teams who finished <i>higher</i> in the Premier League, obviously. The sixty eight year-old reportedly pocketed five hundred thousand smackers for his month's in charge. Nice work if you can get it. <br />
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Leicester City were the third team relegated after a nine year spell in the division and only seven years after being crowned champions, becoming the second team after Blackburn Rovers to be relegated as former Premier League winners; this, despite The Foxes winning their final game of the season against West Hamsters. Presumably Jamie Vardy's missus will have to find some salacious stories about visits to The Stadium of Light or The Riverside to flog to the <i>Sun</i> next year? The queue to entice James Maddison away from The King Power Stadium and the prospect of Championship football next season has already formed. And, it's quite a long one. Meanwhile, Everton escaped relegation on the final day for the third time in the Premier League era with a one-nil win against Bournemouth, extending The Toffees top flight stay to seventy consecutive years for next season. And, meaning that one of the 'nobodies' ahead of Sam Allardyce - in footballing terms - is ... Sean Dyche. Oh, the <i>shame</i>. <br />
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Vincent Kompany's Burnley wasted no time after last year's relegation, coming straight back up to the Premier League after achieving automatic promotion from The Championship faster than anyone else, before beating Cardiff City on the final day of the season which meant Kompany became the first ever points centurion as both a player (with Sheikh Yer Man City) <i>and</i> a manager. Burnley secured automatic promotion on 7 April with a two-one win at Middlesbrough and made sure of the title on 25 April by defeating their fiercest rivals Blackburn Vindaloos. Sheffield United sealed the second automatic place, beating West Bromwich Albinos on 26 April, achieving promotion under Paul Heckingbottom, who was appointed in November 2021 with The Blades languishing in sixteenth place in the division. When it came to the play-off race, it was anything but comfortable for the majority of teams who were scrapping it out for a spot in the top six. It ended up boiling down to the final day of the regular season, as it has so many times previously. Blackburn, who themselves still had an outside chance of a top six finish, ended Millwall's hopes of promotion after coming from behind and winning four-three. Gary Rowett would have been devastated, as a win would have seen his side finish fifth, instead defeat saw them finish the campaign in eighth, one point away from a play-off place. It was The Mackem Filth who took full advantage of the result at The Den, defeating Preston Both Ends and moving into sixth place on goal difference. <br />
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In the end the play-off final was between two clubs on the rise, Luton Town and Coventry City who, between them, conspired to keep this blogger's beloved Magpies as the sole North East team in the Premier League by defeating The Mackem Filth and The Smoggies in their respective play-off semi-finals. Luton eventually won the third promotion spot on penalties. It has been a remarkable rise for The Hatters, who were playing non-league football as recently as 2014. A penny for Nathan Jones' thoughts, though. The Welshman left Luton in November to take over at Premier League strugglers Southampton. He was unable to replicate the kind of success he had achieved at Kenilworth Road and found himself out of a job in February. His replacement at Luton, Rob Edwards, who had himself been sacked by Luton's fierce rivals Watford in October, then stepped in and led Luton to the top flight for the first time since 1992. As for the trigger-happy Hornets, they brought in Slaven Bilic to replace Edwards and then sacked him in favour of Chris Wilder in March. Wilder, in turn, had been sacked by Middlesbrough at the start of the season (replaced by Michael Carrick) and Watford have now installed Valerien Ismael for next season. Or, at least, <i>part</i> of next season until they get sick of him as well. Comeback kid of the year must be Middlesbrough striker - and Championship golden boot winner - Chuba Akpom. The twenty seven-year-old spent the previous season on loan in Greece and started the current campaign without a squad number at The Riverside, but forced his way into The Smoggies starting eleven and went on to bag a whopping twenty nine goals in all competitions and claim the division's player of the season award. West Bromwich Albinos finished ninth, a significant improvement after having been in the relegation places before they - hilariously - gave risible managerial <i>fraud</i> Steve Brucie (nasty to see him, to see him ... nasty) the old tin-tack in October and replaced him with Carlos Corberán, someone who actually <i>knew what he was doing</i>. <br />
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At the other end of the table, the bottom three were decided before the final day of the season. Reading and Wigan Not Very Athletic were both deducted points for various infractions and these proved to be too much ground to make up as they were both relegated to League One along with Blackpool, who suffered from the dreaded second season syndrome. Kolo Toure won none of his nine games in charge of Wigan before being sacked in February. The Latics once again face an uncertain future after being relegated to League One and being hit with a further eight-point deduction for failing to meet an EFL funding deadline. One of the contenders for manager of the season was Old Neil Warnock as he managed to get Huddersfield Town from bottom of the league to nine points clear of the drop-zone after coming in as manager in February. Cardiff City, Rotherham and Queens Park Strangers also narrowly avoided the drop. <br />
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Josh Windass' goal to send Sheffield Wednesday up to the Championship with the final kick of the English Football League season drew an emphatic line under an epic League One campaign. A fascinating four-way promotion battle unfolded with Plymouth Argyle and Ipswich Town gaining automatic promotion, Argyle winning the division with one hundred and one points and The Tractor Boys a mere three points behind. If we're talking comebacks on the pitch then nothing tops Sheffield Wednesday's miraculous play-off semi-final win over Peterborough. The Owls, who had finished third in the regular season on ninety six points, were hammered four-nil in the first leg by Darren Ferguson's Posh to, apparently, leave their promotion hopes in tatters. No club has ever overcome more than a two-goal first-leg deficit before but, roared on by a <i>rocking</i> Hillsborough crowd, they made it four-four on aggregate with the final kick of the ninety minutes and eventually won the tie on penalties. Wednesday then won the play-off final with Windass' diving header - the last action of extra-time against Barnsley - to cap off what boss Darren Moore called 'a fairytale.' Barnsley had beaten Notlob Wanderers in their tight semi-final. Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws boss Herr Klopp was so impressed by Conor Bradley's form on-loan at Notlob that he has suggested the Northern Ireland international will be involved in his first-team squad next season. Another player who could be featuring in the top flight in 2023-24 - having starred in the third tier this year - is Crystal Palace winger Jesurun Rak-Sakyi. The twenty-year-old scored fifteen goals whilst on-loan with Charlton Athletic. Amongst those who flirted with play-off places but, ultimately, came up short, were Derby County, Portsmouth, Wycombe Wanderers, Charlton and Lincoln City. The bottom four teams were relegated to League Two. Forest Green Rovers' (and their vegan pies) relegation was confirmed on 15 April with a five-one home thrashing by Barnsley, while the other three places were decided on the final day of the season as Milton Keynes Dons drew at Burton, Morecambe (but, <i>not</i> And Wise) lost at Exeter and Accrington Stanley (who are <i>they</i>?) went down despite a two-one win at Oxford United. Cambridge United, Oxford and Port Vale finished clear of the relegation places. Ex-Everton and Newcastle striker Duncan Ferguson will hope to have his Forest Green side challenging at the top end of their division next season after a chastening first few months as a manager. To be fair to Big Dunc (and one should <i>always</i> be fair to Big Dunc since he's hard as nails), Rovers already looked doomed at the foot of League One when he took over in January. But he still would have hoped for more than a solitary win in his eighteen matches in charge as they finished nineteen points adrift of safety. Things went no better for Wee Jody Morris in his first managerial appointment at Swindon Town. Appointed in January the former Chelski coach was sacked by the League Two side before the final game of the season after losing ten of his nineteen matches in charge in Wiltshire.<br />
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Leyton Orient made sure of promotion from League Two on 18 April despite losing at Gillingham and clinched the title four days later beating Crewe. The O's made a superb start and, despite dropping form somewhat in the second half of the campaign, claimed the title with something to spare. Not bad for a team who had finished thirteenth in 2021-22. Stevenage were promoted on 29 April after beating Grimsby two-nil and Northampton Town earned the final automatic promotion place defeating Tranmere on the final day of the season. Jon Brady's Cobblers had missed out on third place last season on goals scored, after Bristol Rovers thumped relegated Scunthorpe seven-nil, but there were no such concerns this time out as Northants' win at Tranmere was enough to send them to League One. Carlisle United were the fourth team promoted as they beat Stockport on penalties in the play-off final. Carlisle picked up midfielder Owen Moxon from Scottish League Two side Annan last summer and the twenty five-year-old claimed fifteen assists and six goals as they won promotion. Bradford City and Salford also qualified for the play-offs with Mansfield Town missing out only on goal difference The bottom two teams were relegated to the National League, with Rochdale's one hundred and two-year stay in the Football League ending after they lost at Stockport on 22 April. Hartlepool United joined them a week later despite beating Barrow three-one. Crawley Town AFC Wimbledon and Colchester United successfully avoided the drop. <br />
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National League Champions Wrexham clinched automatic promotion to League Two by beating Boreham Wood three-one on 22 April. Phil Parkinson's men - backed, of course, by Hollywood actors Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney - claimed the title with a staggering one hundred and eleven points, four ahead of Notts County. The (Other) Magpies then came back from two-nil down to win their play-off semi-final in extra-time and then twice came from behind to win the play-off final against Chesterfield on penalties on 13 May. So, the oldest former Football League club is now back in the Football League after a four year absence. Woking, Barnet, Boreham Wood and Bromley also competed in the play-offs. The bottom four teams are relegated to National League North or South and, for the first time ever, all of them were former Football League outfits. Maidstone United became the first club in England's top leagues to be relegated after losing four-nil to Boreham Wood on 1 April. Scunthorpe United joined them on 10 April after losing to Oldham for their second relegation in successive seasons, as did Yeovil Town after they lost at Wrexham on 18 April. Torquay United were relegated on the final day of the season despite drawing with the champions. Wor geet canny Gatesheed finished a respectable fourteenth. The relegated clubs will be replaced by National League North champions AFC Fylde and play-off winners Kidderminster Harriers and National League South champions Ebbsfleet United and play-off winners Oxford City. Wor geet canny South Shields won the Northern Premier League and were promoted to the National League North. <br />
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Treble-winners Glasgow Celtic clinched the Scottish Premiership title on 7 May winning at Heart of Midlothian and will enter the Champions League at the group stage, with runners-up and Old Firm rivals Glasgow Rangers entering at the third qualifying round stage. Although whether Ange Postecoglou will still be in charge at Parkhead by then or if he will have been sentenced to a lengthy stretch at The Stottingham Hotshots Stadium is a question probably best left for another day. Third-placed Aberdeen and Hearts, who finished fourth, qualified for Europe as did fifth-placed Hibernian. Celtic's win in the Scottish Cup Final against Inverness Caledonian Thistle on 3 June meant that Aberdeen will enter the Europa League at the play-off round, whilst the Edinburgh pair of Hearts and Hibs are both in the Europa Conference League at the third and second qualifying rounds, respectively. Dundee United - who finished the 2021-22 season in fourth and, themselves, qualified for European football - had a truly terrible year at Tannadice and were relegated to the Scottish Championship when they lost three-two to Motherwell on the final day of the regular season. United were eliminated from the Conference League by AZ Alkmaar after a truly embarrassing seven-nil defeat in the Netherlands, equaling the record defeat for a Scottish club in European competitions. They started the league season equally poorly and were beaten nine-nil at home by Celtic on 28 August. That's <i>nine</i>-nil. <i>At home</i>. Ouch. Jack Ross, formerly of The Mackem Filth, was appointed as United's manager before the season as a replacement for the popular Tam Courts who had led The Terrors into Europe before leaving to manage Honved. Ross was extremely sacked after a mere five games, culminating in the surrender-before-kick-off against Celtic. <i>Nine</i>-nil, remember. <i>Nine</i>. He was succeeded by Liam Fox, initially on an interim basis. Fox was in charge until February where, after a horrorshow against fellow relegation rivals Ross County, United lost four-nil and he, too, got the boot. The club then turned to Jim Goodwin, who had himself been relieved from his role at Aberdeen in February, appointing him until the end of the season. Ross County faced Championship side Partick Thistle in the two-legged play-off final. Losing two-nil in the first game, County were seconds from relegation before an injury time equaliser by George Harmon took the tie to penalties, with County eventually winning five-four to retain their top flight status. <br />
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Dundee were promoted to the Scottish Premiership as champions after beating title rivals Queen's Park five-three on the final day of the season and will replace fierce Granite City rivals Dundee United in the Premiership. Ayr United and Queen's Park lost out in the play-off semi-finals. Bottom club Cove Rangers were relegated to Scottish League One after losing to Greenock Morton on the last day of the regular season, while ninth-placed Hamilton Academicals went down on 20 May, losing their play-off final to Airdrieonians on penalties. Scottish League One Champions Dunfermline Athletic clinched automatic promotion to the Championship on 15 April, thrashing Queen Of The South five-nil. Bottom of the table Peterhead were relegated to Scottish League Two after losing at Kelty Hearts on 29 April, whilst ninth-placed Clyde were relegated on 19 May after a five-two aggregate defeat by Annan in the play-off final. Champions of Scottish League Two were Stirling Albion, who clinched the title on 22 April after beating Annan and were automatically promoted to League One. Albion Rovers were relegated on 20 May, losing to Lowland League winners The Spartans - who will replace them in League Two next season - in the pyramid play-off-final. Former league regulars Brechin City won The Highland League by two points from Buckie Thistle. <br />
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As usual, there was <i>lots</i> of dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions as The New Saints of Oswestry & Llansantffraid won the Cymru Premier for the fifteenth time and the eleventh occasion in the last fourteen seasons. Seriously, lads, it's all getting a bit <i>boring</i> now - you know, like Red Bull's dominance in F1. Runners-up Connah's Quay Nomads and third placed Penybont will play in the the Europa Conference League's first qualifying round whilst Cardiff Metropolitan University, Bala Town, Newtown and Haverfordwest County all reached the Conference League play-offs with Haverfordwest beating Newtown on penalties in the final meaning they, too, will compete in the Conference League qualifiers. Flint Town United and Airbus UK Broughton were relegated to Cymru North and Cymru South respectively. Colywn Bay and Barry Town will replace them in next season's Premier League. <br />
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Northern Ireland's NIFL Premiership was won by Larne, clinching their first ever league title on 14 April 2023 with a two-nil win over Crusaders. Their prize was a place in the Champions League first qualifying round. The runners-up (last year's champions, Linfield), the Irish Cup winners (Crusaders) and the play-off winners (Glentoran, who beat Cliftonville) will enter the Europa Conference League first qualifying round. Bottom side Portadown were relegated to the NIFL Championship (replaced by promoted Loughgall), but Dungannon Swifts retained their place in the top flight, winning a play-off against the Championship's third-placed team, Annagh United. Warrenpoint Town, who finished runners-up in the Championship were denied an NIFL Premiership license on 27 April 2023 and were unsuccessful in their appeal against this right shite state of affairs. <br />
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The League Of Ireland Premier Division was won by Shamrock Rovers who will play in the Champions League first qualifying round. Derry City (runners-up and FAI Cup winners), Dundalk and St Patrick's Athletic qualified for the Europa Conference League first qualifying round. University College Dublin were relegated to the League Of Ireland First Division, replaced by Galway United. <br />
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Bayern München dramatically snatched the Bundesliga title away from Borussia Dortmund after beating FC Köln two-one whilst their title rivals drew at home to Mainz on final day of season. Bayern announced immediately after their title triumph that they had fired CEO Mary Shelley's Oliver Kahn and Sporting Director Hasan Salihamidzic. Meanwhile, RB Leipzig and Union Berlin finished third and fourth respectively and will also compete in the Champions League next season. SC Freiburg and Bayer Leverkusen will play in the Europa League group stages and Eintracht Frankfurt qualified for the Europa Conference League play-off round with VfL Wolfsburg, Mainz and Borussia Mönchengladbach all missing out. Hertha Berlin and Schalke 04 were relegated, while VfB Stuttgart will go into the relegation play-off against Hamburger SV on 5 June. FC Heidenheim 1846 and SV Darmstadt won promotion from the second tier of German football. <br />
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Eredivisie champions Feyenoord Rotterdam and runners-up PSV Eindhoven will both be playing Champions League football next season - as usual - whilst Ajax Amsterdamn finished third and take a place in the Europa League. To complete a less-than-satisfactory year for Ajax, they also lost to PSV in the Dutch Cup Final. AZ Alkmaar were fourth and qualified for Europa Conference League third qualifying round (unless, of course, they get very banned by UEFA after some of their naughtier fans gave West Hamsters United some serious grief in the same competition earlier this year). FC Twente, Sparta Rotterdam, Utrecht and SC Heerenveen will all compete in a forthcoming play-off competition for The Netherlands final European place in the Conference League. Tragically this blogger's personal favourite Dutchies, Go Ahead Eagles, finished eleventh and missed out on potential European glory. Cambuur were relegated to Eerste Divisie, as were Gronigan - normally a side who finish comfortably mid-table who had, in the club's own words their 'Worst! Season! Ever!' Groningen finished bottom, winning only four times in thirty four matches and were relegated to the Eerste Divisie for the third time. Before the start of the season, the German Frank Wormuth was appointed coach. However, he was sacked in November, after which Wormuth labelled the working conditions 'mentally unsafe.' Under his successor, Dennis van der Ree, Groningen won only once in twenty one games and were eliminated from the KNVB Cup at home by amateur club SV Spakenburg. During the season, Gronigan's director of football, Mark-Jan Fledderus, was sacked and two board members stepped down amid accusations of fraud. CEO Woulter Gudde concluded that the squad was 'unfit, unbalanced and lacked quality and personality.' Heracles Almelo and PEC Zwolle were promoted to the Eredivisie. <br />
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The Serie A title returned to Campania with Società Sportiva Calcio Napoli winning their first championship since 1990. On 4 May, Napoli secured their third title with five matches to spare, following a draw at Udinese. They will be joined in the Champions League group stages by Lazio, Internazionale and AC Milan. Atalanta and Roma finished fifth and sixth respectively and will play in the Europa League whilst The Shitty Hunchbacks were seventh and qualified for the Conference League play-off round. In January, Juventus had been deducted fifteen points as punishment for alleged capital gain violations. In April, the decision was overturned and Juve were given those points back. However, following a new investigation, Juventus were docked ten points in May. Torino and Fiorentina ended the season outside of the European places. Sampdoria and Cremonese both suffered relegation to Serie B whilst the third relegation place went to the final weekend of the season with Hellas Verona and Spezia both tied on thirty one points. The two will play-off on 11 June to decide who goes down. Frosinone and Genoa gained promotion from Serie B whilst the third promoted side will be settled by the play-offs involving such teams as Bari, Parma, Cagliari and Fußball Club Südtirol. Inter beat Fiorentina in the final of the Coppa Italia. <br />
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Defending champions Paris Saint-Germain successfully retained the Ligue Un title - a record-breaking eleventh - following a draw with Strasbourg on the penultimate match day although their party was somewhat spoiled on the final day of the season when, two-nil up to Clermont Foot they conspired to concede three late goals. The game was played in a poisonous atmosphere inside the Parc des Princes due to the pre-match announcement that Lionel Messi would be leaving the club with immediate effect. Runners-up Lens and third placed Olympique Marseille join PSG in the Champions League whilst fourth placed Lille and Coupe De France winners Toulouse will play in the Europe League. The qualification place for the Europa Conference League went to the final day of the season on 3 June with Stade Rennais and AS Monaco level on points and Lyon in with a mathematical chance of European football but dependent on the results of others. Rennais two-one victory at Brest secured the return of European football to Brittany. At the bottom, Angers, Ajaccio, Troyes and Auxerre were all relegated to Ligue Deux, replaced by Le Havre and Metz. Nantes narrowly avoided relegation thanks to a final day win against Angers whilst Auxerre were losing at home to Lens. Only two clubs were promoted from the second tier as the number of clubs in Ligue Un has been reduced from twenty to eighteen. Bordeaux, Bastia, Caen and Saint-Étienne were amongst those to miss out on promotion (Saint-Étienne were deducted three points as punishment for the pitch invasion during their relegation play-off the previous season). Dijon Football Côte d'Or, Nîmes Olympique and Chamois Niortais were relegated to Le Championnat National. <br />
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On 14 May, Barcelona were confirmed as La Liga champions with four matches to spare following a four-two victory Espanyol, clinching the club's twenty seventh title and first since 2019 although a tow-one defeat to Celtic Vigo in the last game of the season somewhat spoiled the party. Barça won the division by a whopping eleven points over <i>El Clásico</i> rivals and last season's champions, Real Madrid. It was something of a disappointing season for <i>Los Blancos</i>, despite defeating Barça three-one at The Bernabéu; as well as losing the title, they got a right pants-down hiding off Sheikh Yer Man Ciy in The Champions League although they <i>did</i> beat Osasuna in the final of the Copa Del Rey. Also qualifying for next year's Champions League were Atlético Madrid, Real Sociedad and Servilla (as winners of the Europa League). Villarreal and Real Betis will compete in the Europa League and on the final day of the season, Osasuna, Athletic Bilbao, Girona and Rayo Vallecano were all in with a shout of becoming the eighth Spanish side in a European competition next season via the Europa Conference League. Osasuna's two-one victory over Girona enabled the Pamplona side to snatch the Conference League place. Espanyol and Elche were relegated to the Segunda División long before the season's climax but the third relegation place saw a blanket finish in which any one of six clubs could have suffered the drop on the final day. Valladolid's goalless draw with Getafe saw <i>Los Pucelanos</i> finish in the final relegation slot. Unión Deportiva Las Palmas and Granada Club de Fútbol were promoted. <br />
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Benfica secured a record thirty eighth Primeira Liga title after beating Santa Clara three-nil on the final day of the Portuguese football season. They finished two points ahead of FC Porto. Both clubs will compete in next season's Champions League. Braga qualified for the Champions League third qualifying round. Sporting Lisbon will play in the Europa League whilst, Arouca and Vitória de Guimarães qualified for the Europa Conferece League. Paços de Ferreira and Santa Clara, both whom had disastrous seasons, were relegated to Liga Portugal 2. Moreirense and Farense won promotion. Porto defeated Braga in the Taça de Portugal on 4 June. <br />
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The four qualifiers for the Champions League at the preliminary round are Icelandic champions Breiðablik, Buducnost Podgorica of Montenegro, Andorra's Atlètic Club d'Escaldes and Tre Penne the league winners in San Marino. Two of these will progress to the first qualifying round joining, amongst others Israel's Maccabi Haifa, Sweden's BK Häcken, Bulgaria's Romania Farul Constan?a, Qarabag Baku of Azerbaijan, Hungarian champions Ferencváros, Poland's Raków Czestochowa, Kazakhstan's Astana, Slovan Bratislava representing Slovakia, Slovenia's Olimpija Ljubljana, Moldova's Sheriff Tiraspol, Lithuania's Žalgiris, Bosnia & Herzegovina's Zrinjski Mostar, Finland's HJK, Luxembourg's Swift Hesperange, Latvia's Valmiera, Kosovo's Ballkani, Armenia's Urartu, Albania's Partizani, the Faroe Islands' KÍ, Estonia's Flora, Malta's Hamrun Spartans, Georgia's Dinamo Tbilisi, North Macedonia's Struga and Gibraltar's Lincoln Red Imps. Shakhtyor Soligorsk should have qualified as champions of the Belarusian Premier League but were found extremely guilty of match-fixing by the ABFF and, as a consequence, denied a UEFA license. Runners-up Energetik-BGU Minsk were also found guilty of the same charge. As a result, the Football Federation of Belarus awarded the Champions League spot to BATE Borisov, who finished third in the league. Clubs joining the competition at the second qualifying round stage include Norwegian champions Molde, Danish league winers Copenhagen, Croatia's Dinamo Zagreb, Turkey's Galatasaray, Aris Limassol of Cyprus, Servette the runners-up in the Swiss Super League and Panathinaikos who finished second in the Greek league. The third qualifying round introduces the likes of Greek chamions, AEK Athens, the Czech Republic's Sparta Prague and Sturm Graz who finished second in the Austrian Bundasliga. The play-off round will feature the champions of the Belgian Pro League (Royal Antwerp) and Swiss champions Young Boys of Bern. Anyone who makes it through all of that to the group stages will join Ukranian champions FC Shakhtar Donetsk, Red Star Belgrade of Serbia and Austrian champions FC Red Bull Salzburg along with the qualifiers from England (including, of course, this blogger's beloved Magpies), Spain (including 2023 Europa League winners Servila), German, France, the Netherlands, Portugal and Scotland. On 28 February 2022, all Russian football clubs and national teams were suspended from FIFA and UEFA competitions due to the Russian invasion of Ukraine. The seven teams affiliated with the Liechtenstein Football Association all play in the Swiss league pyramid. The only competition organised by the LFV is the Liechtenstein Football Cup – the winners of which (Fussball Club Vaduz) qualify for the Europa Conference League.<br />
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A total of one hundred and seventy seven teams from fifty four of the fity five UEFA member associations (excluding Russia - because no one likes them) will participate in the 2023–24 Europa Conference League. Other qualifiers for the competition besides those already mentioned, include HNK Hajduk Split, Osijek and Rijeka (Croatia), Rapid Wien (Austria), Partizan Belgrade and Vojvodina (Serbia), Dynamo Kyiv (Ukraine), Brann, Bodø/Glimt and Rosenborg (Norway), Nordsjælland (Denmark), Club Brugge and Gent (Belgium), Luzern and Basel (Switzerland), PAOK and Aris (Greece), Viktoria Plzen and Bohemians Praha (Czech Republic), Fenerbahçe and Besiktas (Turkey), Omonia, APOEL and AEK Larnaca (Cyprus), Beitar Jerusalem, Hapoel Be'er Sheva and Maccabi Tel Aviv (Israel), Djurgårdens IF, Hammarby IF and Kalmar FF (Sweden), Ludogorets Razgrad (Bulgaria), Sepsi OSK, FCSB and CFR Cluj (Romania), Gabala, Sabah and Neftçi (Azerbaijan), Zalaegerszeg, Kecskemét and Debrecen (Hungary), Legia Warsaw, Lech Poznan and Pogon Szczecin (Poland), Ordabasy, Tobol and Aktobe (Kazakhstan), Spartak Trnava, DAC Dunajská Streda and Žilina (Slovakia), Celje, Maribor and Domžale (Solvenia), Torpedo-BelAZ Zhodino, Dinamo Minsky and Isloch Minsk (Belarus), Petrocub Hîncești, Zimbru Chișinău and Milsami Orhei (Moldova), Kauno Žalgiris, Panevežys and Hegelmann (Lithuania), Borac Banja Luka, Željeznicar and Sarajevo (Bosnia & Herzegovina), KuPS, Honka and Haka (Finland), Differdange 03, Progrès Niederkorn and F91 Dudelange (Luxembourg), Auda, RFS and Riga (Latvia), Drita and Gjilani (Kosovo), Pyunik, Ararat-Armenia and Alashkert (Armenia), Egnatia, Tirana and Vllaznia (Albania), Víkingur, HB Tórshavn and B36 Tórshavn (the Faroe Islands), Narva Trans, FCI Levadia and Paide Linnameeskond (Estonia), Birkirkara, Gzira United and Balzan (Malta), Torpedo Kutaisi, Dinamo Batumi and Dila Gori (Georgia), Makedonija, Shkupi and Shkëndija (North Macedonia), Vaduz (Liechtenstein), Bruno's Magpies and Europa (Gibraltar), Víkingur Reykjavík and KA (Iceland), Sutjeska and Arsenal Tivat (Montenegro), Inter Club d'Escaldes and FC Santa Coloma (Andorra) and Virtus and Cosmos (San Marino). The first qualifying rounds will take place from 20 June. Yes, a mere couple of weeks and the 2023-24 football season will have begun and the race for Europe <i>starts all over again</i>. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYKIK4L3r7KV7YaYrsh5fTJOxu8lzof4zq9izukBDpjNuQtRpQwHQMyEpp7312JsXtxXJdF8-lwORVFIvoBfBPujl7YB425EKMvtFIl1Uq_k_TCl8AUgOWncr8KWD30osnUgK0unTQtbVVqsh4ZdzLUAlC6YtjNjZUoE3W7tEpv8BQUbv3Vh2JfA/s800/6.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" border="0" data-original-height="420" data-original-width="800" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYKIK4L3r7KV7YaYrsh5fTJOxu8lzof4zq9izukBDpjNuQtRpQwHQMyEpp7312JsXtxXJdF8-lwORVFIvoBfBPujl7YB425EKMvtFIl1Uq_k_TCl8AUgOWncr8KWD30osnUgK0unTQtbVVqsh4ZdzLUAlC6YtjNjZUoE3W7tEpv8BQUbv3Vh2JfA/s320/6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div>Yer actual Keith Telly Toppinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15991339362793260243noreply@blogger.com