Dig The Slowness In Empty Gestures

Another From The North bloggerisationisms update arriveth, dearest blog reader. A process which has not, exactly, been aided by The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House laptop suddenly developing a serious go-slow attitude this last week. Something that this blogger found to be both annoying and annoying. Never mind, this blogger managed, eventually, to get the latest update written. And, here it is.

The whole slow laptop thing was also sorted out, incidentally, with the running of a - probably long-overdue - 'system restore' programme and the clearing of some accumulated junk and unused files. And now, dear blog reader, you'll all no doubt be happy to know, it's running ... a bit less slowly than it was.

Three utterly insignificant 'I will not celebrate meaningless milestones' moments occurred here at From The North last Thursday afternoon, it should - at least - be acknowledged in case anyone is slightly interested. Unlikely, it must be freely admitted, but nevertheless, this blogger makes the observation so no one else has to. This blogger will add that he does wonder how many of those now eleven million plus page hits From The North has received since records began were from dear (potential) blog readers wandering into the gaff by accident whilst surfing the Interweb for porn? Don't shout out all at once, please.

Exactly fifty nine years ago last Wednesday evening (23 November), the single greatest TV format in the history of the medium (bar, like, none) began. But, enough about The Chars starring Elsie and Doris Waters, much has already been said and written. There was also some old toot about a mad man in a box which started that night, apparently. One wonders whatever happened to that.

When William Russell made his delightful, surprise appearance at the end of The Power Of The Doctor last month, this blogger said that he believed the appearance of Ian Chesterton fifty seven years, one hundred and twenty days since his last Doctor Who appearances (26 June 1965 to 23 October 2022) was almost certainly a record for the longest gap between appearances of an actor playing the same role in a TV series. This has, indeed, now been confirmed. As this piece on the Guinness World Records website (seemingly written by a five year old, in crayon) makes clear. What Guinness doesn't say is whose record Our William broke. In fact, the record was officially previously held by the great Philip Lowrie (Dennis Tanner in Coronation Street) at forty two years, three hundred and forty five days - 12 June 1968 to 12 May 2011. Although, in fact, Philip's record had already been broken by another Doctor Who actor, Ysanne Churchman as the voice of Alpha Centuri (The Monster Of Peladon to Empress Of Mars - 27 April 1974 to 10 June 2017, forty three years and forty four days). Which, it would seem, nobody at Guinness even noticed! Prior to Phil Lowrie, the record had been held by another Corrie legend, From The North favourite Kenneth Cope as Jed Stone (28 September 1966 to 8 August 2008, forty one years, three hundred and fourteen days). 

Congratulations are considerably due to the Daily Mirra's Zoe Delaney who even managed to arse-up her reporting of that good news story. Jolly well done, Zoe. Maybe you might want to think about sticking to covering something like I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want). That would seems to be more in your sphere. Does anyone else remember when the Mirra used to include some of the most accurate reportage in the UK media? Yes, of course, it was when they used to hack phones for their stories, wasn't it?

The latest shitehawk Doctor Who tabloid 'exclusive' is the Daily Scum Mail's 'Rock The Chop': New Doctor Who Companion Millie Gibson Undergoes Transformation By Cutting Her Hair Into A Chic Bob. Trees died to bring you this information, dear blog reader. Though the new 'do' does, admittedly, make Our Millie look rather luscious and pouting.

Doctor Who spin-offs starring the popular, long-running BBC family SF drama's most legendary villains are, reportedly, 'in the works' as part of its international expansion in partnership with Disney+. Mind you, this is according to the good old Daily Mirra. So, presumably, they will be facing-off against the two Doctors whom the Mirra personally cast, Kris Marshall and Hugh Grant. The Mirra claims that Russell Davies is planning 'a number of supplementary shows,' which would build out the Doctor Who universe in, according to Radio Times (which, like the Mirra used to be written by adults) 'a similar manner to what Marvel has done.' Since the BBC forged a deal with Disney to distribute the British institution around the world, there have been constant rumours that Doctor Who's production budget could increase quite substantially due to the influx of Disney coin. An alleged - though suspiciously anonymous and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - 'source' allegedly told the Mirra: 'Fans can expect to see Sontarans, Weeping Angels and Sea Devils in separate series showing what they get up to when The Doctor isn't there to stop them, along with Daleks and Cybermen.' Speaking in exactly that tabloidesque 'real people don't talk that way' style we know so well. 'The BBC declined to comment when approached by Radio Times,' concluded the RT piece. Presumably, because the BBC, like this blogger, are shocked and appalled at the lack of adults working there.

The BBC, meanwhile, has released a new image of national heartthrob David Tennant as The Doctor in a familiar but - slightly different - outfit. The suit and jacket are somewhat smarter than in his previous Doctor days, but he's only done one button up this time.

The Sandman producer Allan Heinberg had had plenty to tease about the recently confirmed second series of From The North's favourite TV show of 2022 by a country mile. 'I love having cast a lot of these characters already, but obviously we've got Norse Gods to cast and Egyptian Gods to cast,' he told Entertainment Weekly in August when anticipating that Netflix would renew the series. 'We've got new demons and we've got some returning demons, so it's a party. It's a very ambitious season.' He revealed that series two of the acclaimed fantasy drama adaptation will cover the fourth volume of The Sandman comics, Season Of Mists - a storyline that the final moments in the first series' finale certainly set up. 'The end of episode one, if we move forward, is Dream saying to Matthew, "I'm going to Hell and I may not come back,"' Allan said. 'So then episode two begins with the rematch between Dream and Lucifer. It's so juicy! I'm so looking forward to doing something entirely different with Gwendoline's look. I don't want to spoil the surprises for people who haven't read Season Of Mists, but that's where Dream's trouble really begins.' In an interview with Variety, Neil Gaiman also expressed his excitement over the rematch between the ruler of Hell and the King of Dreams. 'I take too much ... pleasure in saying to people who do not know anything about what's coming up in The Sandman, if we do season two, we're going to be having the rematch and Morpheus is going to be going back to Hell. And Lucifer has some surprises in store that Morpheus is not expecting,' he said to the publication. 'And they are all like, "Ahh!" And I'm, like, "Yeah and I know how that's going to work and you don't. And everybody who's ever read Season Of Mists knows how that's going to work and you don't." But that's good because not everybody will have read Season Of Mists and this is going to be so much fun.'

All of which leads us to Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War & Espionage Movies of the 1960s and 70s: Number Seventy Eight: Robert De Niro: 'I'll tell ya one thing, if I find out my life had to end up being in the mountains, it'd be all right, but it has to be in your mind.' Christopher Walken: 'What? One shot?' Robert De Niro: 'Two is pussy!' The Deer Hunter.

Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War & Espionage Movies of the 1960s and 70s: Number Seventy Nine: Hans Christian Blech: 'This new command is an illusion. Give it up.' Robert Shaw: 'I am Martin Hessler. Four years ago, my panzers overran Poland in one week, that was no illusion. In thirty nine days, my tanks smashed all the way to Paris, that was no illusion. I conquered the Crimea, that was no illusion. Today, I was given a brigade of Tiger tanks. When I have a brigade of tanks, that is reality.' Battle Of The Bulge.

Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War & Espionage Movies of the 1960s and 70s: Number Eighty: A blacked-up Laurence Olivier: 'I should prefer, Gordon Pasha, that you leave Khartoum now. You are not my enemy. Why should your blood sweeten the Nile?' Khartoum. Hell, those were very differen times, dear blog reader.

Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War & Espionage Movies of the 1960s and 70s (or, In This Case, 1955): Number Eighty One: Basil Appleby: 'Bomb-aiming is another headache, sir. The ordinary bombsight isn't accurate enough at such a low level. And you want the aircraft to drop their bombs dead on the same spot, one after another?' Michael Redgrave: 'Yes, within a few feet.' Richard Todd: 'We'll look after our headaches and leave you to look after yours!' The Dam Busters.

Admit it, dear blog reader, you're all singing this right now, aren't you? And rushing around the front room with your arms out pretending to be a Lancaster? It's okay, you're amongst fiends here. We don't judge.

Followed, inevitably, by Memorably Daft Double-Entendres In Episodes Of Doctor Whom (1963-2022). Number Eleven: Proof, from The Gunfighters, that the alleged Russell Davies Doctor Whom Gay Agenda did not start in 2005, it had been there for a jolly long time. Allegedly. 

Memorably Daft Double-Entendres In Episodes Of Doctor Whom (1963-2022). Number Twelve: Revenge Of The Cybermen.

Memorably Daft Double-Entendres In Episodes Of Doctor Whom (1963-2022). Number Thirteen: Castrovalva.

Memorably Daft Double-Entendres In Episodes Of Doctor Whom (1963-2022). Number Fourteen: The Armageddon Factor.

Memorably Daft Double-Entendres In Episodes Of Doctor Whom (1963-2022). Number Fifteen: The Smugglers.

Which bring us, with the tragic inevitability of the tragically inevitable, to the part of From The North dedicated to this blogger's on-going medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking malarkeys. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than FIFA's cowardly appeasement of fascists and dictators, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around New Year feeling rotten; experienced five days in hospital; was discharged; received B12 injections; then more injections; somewhat recovered his missing appetite; got an initial diagnosis; had a consultant's meeting; continued to suffer fatigue and insomnia; endured a second endoscopy; had another consultation; got (unrelated) toothache; had an extraction; which took ages to heal; had another consultation; spent a week where nothing remotely health-related occurred; was given further B-12 injections; had an echocardiogram; received more blood extractions; made another hospital visit; saw the insomnia and torpor continue; received yet more blood tests; had a rearranged appointment for his sick note; suffered his worst period yet with the fatigue. Until the following week. And, then the week after that. Oh, the fatigue, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless fatigue. He had a go on the Blood-Letting Machine; got another sickie; had an assessment; was given his fourth COVID jab; got some surprising news related to his assessment; had the results of his annual diabetes check-up; had another really bad week with the fatigue and with the sciatica. And with the chronic insomnia.

Last Friday saw this blogger back down at the local medical centre for his latest quarterly dose of B-12 prickage. And, as usual dear blog reader, it hurt like Jimbuggery.

According to the BBC Weather page it was going to lash it down like The Flood on Wednesday and Thursday of last week (which, indeed, it jolly well did) so, this blogger decided, despite not feeling particularly well on Tuesday morning (the usual, sad to report) to get the weekly shopping out of the way forthwith. He was, ultimately, glad that he did, as by the time he got back to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House he was pure-dead knackered but, at least, with the rest of that day and the next two to get his very self pulled together. Needless to say Keith Telly Topping really deserved a three-sausage Breakfast At Morrisons after he'd bought what he needed to. Along with a nice cup of Rosie, a sit down and a read of the Metro (not a real newspaper). Luxury.

On the way to the tills this blogger spotted a pair of quilted pyjamas on sale at but half-price. Almost certainly due to the ghastly tartan/checked design of them, let it be noted. Nevertheless, Keith Telly Topping has been on the look out for some Jimjams for a while as winter is very much a-comin'. And, for six quid, he thought to his very self 'Keith Telly Topping' he thought, 'you're only going to be wearing these in bed and therefore the only people that'll be seeing them is, well, you (plus all your Facebook fiends and dear blog readers when you post a picture of them online. As you're going to!') So, this blogger bought them. And, in the event that this blogger is going to bed one night and find someone else already in his Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House pit then, of course, he will wear something different. And, calling the police, probably.

So, the World Cup, dear blog reader. You might have heard about it. What did we, collectively, learn from the first week of the tournament, apart from the fact that FIFA are a bunch of cowardly appeasers of fascists and dictators (which we all knew anyway)? And, that in what appears to be the most ridiculous example of an empty gesture in the history of empty gestures, some Gruniad Morning Star readers are, apparently 'boycotting' watching the World Cup on telly in protest at the Qatari regime and FIFA. Well that, no doubt, will really show them what's what. Please do let us all know how the boycott's going and what you think a few hundred Middle Class hippy Communists in Britain sitting, cross-armed and looking furious whilst pointedly not watching some games of football on the BBC or ITV is going to do to improve the situation for migrant workers and the LGBTQ community in Qatar, guys. And, also, whether you wish to receive a medal for your glorious self-sacrifice?

Inevitably, some people got somewhat carried away by one (admittedly clinically good) performance by England (against a desperately poor Iran side). As usually happens when England win one game early in the tournament, lots of people were caught blowing the dust off their World Cup wall charts and getting out a slide-rule to plot England's likely route to the final (yes, this blogger is looking at you, Sky Sports News!) Especially after Argentina got beat by Saudi Arabia and Germany lost to Japan. Of the other fancied European sides Denmark looked dreadfully lethargic in their bore-draw with Tunisia and Belgium (who seem to have all got old together) did likewise and were genuinely lucky to beat a plucky, hard-working Canada and then, lost to Morocco. So, yeah, no problem - England have obviously got this in the bag, haven't they? That's ignoring, of course, the fact that both France and Spain looked stunning whilst doing exactly what England did and giving the team likely to finish bottom of their respective groups (Australia and Costa Rica) a damned good, hard, trousers down hiding. And that Croatia and Portugal both looked pretty tasty. And that Brazil hadn't even played their first match at that stage! So, all-in-all, we learned the same as usual after the first week of any World Cup. Nobody knows nothing. Especially Gruniad Morning Star readers doing the whole 'boycotting' thing, clearly.

Sure enough, having got everyone all excited when thrashing Iran earlier in the week, England's second match was a vastly frustrating and disappointing one; a piss-poor, lethargic, second-to-every-ball, barely-able-to-string-two-passes-together performance against the USA which ended, mercifully, scoreless. England laboured in the often drab draw and missed the chance to seal an early qualification for the knockout stage. Gareth Southgate's side were second best for long periods as they failed to match the energy, intensity and high-pressing game of the US team, who retain their own hopes of making the last sixteen. England, with Harry Maguire outstanding in defence, were unimpressive and rode their luck when Weston McKennie missed an easy chance and Christian Pulisic struck the bar in the first-half. Mason Mount brought a fine save from USA goalkeeper Matt Turner just before the break but that was an undistinguished display from England which carried none of the attacking verve that saw them thrash Iran four days earlier.

Four years ago at the last World Cup (the one in Russia), this blogger's former BBC Newcastle colleague Vicki Sparks became the first woman to commentate on a World Cup game for the Beeb when she did Portugal versus Morocco. Albeit, the poor lamb had to spend the entire ninety minutes (plus injury time) stuck next to Martin Keown which is more akin to a five-stretch than a pleasurable experience. At this tournament, she was rewarded with Uruguay versus South Korea for 5Live. And she got lumbered with Clinton Morrison as her co-commentator. That's more like ten years in The Joint, frankly. Mind you, it could have been worse, on BBC1 Pien Meulensteen was lumbered with Danny Murphy. The horror.

Watching The Netherlands versus Ecuador on ITV, everything creative seemed to be going through Steven Bergwijn in the first-half. This blogger did wonder if Louis Van Gaal's pre-match team talk to his team was, basically, 'just pass to the Dutchie on the left hand side.'

The phrase 'football is nothing without fans' has become so accepted as to be cliché among some commentators. But Chinese state TV has been testing that assumption to its limit throughout the World Cup. On Monday, as Ghana beat South Korea in a thrilling clash, subtle changes to China's coverage of the match ensured viewers were not exposed to images of maskless supporters - and to a world moving on from Covid restrictions. Those watching on the BBC - and in most places around the world - will have seen their screens filled with the image of a beaming, maskless, Ghana fan celebrating excitedly as the camera zoomed in. After Mohammed Kudus fired home the winner in the sixty eighth minute, images of dancing and cheering fans - as well as shots of anxious South Korea fans - were beamed around the world. But not in China, where those watching on the state broadcaster's sports channel, CCTV Five, will have experienced these moments differently. Instead of being shown the raucous fans, Chinese viewers saw the reactions of South Korea's coach Paulo Bento and Ghana manager Otto Addo. And as the game reached its conclusion, shots of tearful South Korea supporters with their heads in their hands were conspicuously absent on the Chinese output. The change is subtle but very deliberate. As anti-lockdown protests rock and/or roll China, state TV executives have been careful to avoid beaming images of a world largely moving on from Covid-19 restrictions into citizens' homes. It is not unusual for broadcasters at major tournaments to be given the option of choosing their own camera angles and some often set a slight delay to allow the editing and selection of pictures before the public sees them. The BBC observed that there was roughly a fifty two-second delay between its own coverage of the match and CCTV Five's. But in this case, the changes appear to have come after images of maskless fans celebrating in packed stadiums stoked anger in China, where snap lockdowns and restrictions remain commonplace and controversial. Social media users in China were quick to notice this kerfufflement, with many expressing frustration at how differently the rest of the world now seems to be treating Covid. An open letter questioning China's ongoing zero-Covid policies and asking if it was 'on the same planet' as Qatar quickly spread on messaging app WeChat last week, before being extremely censored. 'On one side of the world, there is the carnival that is the World Cup, on the other are rules not to visit public places for five days,' one user of the Weibo social media platform wrote. Even the state-backed Global Times newspaper has conceded that some fans are 'choosing to watch the games at home with their families' as many Chinese cities remain under restrictions. And, while wide angle shots showing some maskless fans are impossible to avoid completely, close-up images of supporters enjoying the action free from restrictions are unlikely to return for Chinese fans.

Meanwhile, it is an age-old truism in football that one should never, ever, do this. But, Keith Telly Topping did. Before they got a draw with Spain, admittedly.

Following the sad deaths of Nik Turner and Keith Levene mentioned in the last From The North bloggerisationism update, they say that bad news always comes in threes, dear blog reader. And, this week, we finally said goodbye to the Goddamn legend that was Wilko Johnson (albeit, a few years after we first expected to lose him). One of the most influential guitarists of his generation; the man who, in one three minute appearance on The Old Grey Whistle Test in 1975 gave Paul Weller an entire career-plan (something which Paul freely acknowledges). The man whose introduction to The Blockheads' audience on 'I Want To Be Straight' consisted of but one word. We lost a giant this week, dear blog reader.

As a side note, dear blog reader, when Ian Dury & The Blockheads' appeared on Top Of The Pops to promote 'I Want To Be Straight', they all did so dressed as Plod. It was a memorable night. What happened next became to stuff of legends. After recording, still dressed in their police uniforms, The Blockheads all jumped in the van and drove round to Wessex Studios where their mates The Clash were busy recording what eventually became Combat Rock. For a laugh, Ian, Charlie, Norman, Micky, Johnny, Davey and Wilko burst into the studio claiming this was 'a raid.' For a few seconds, Joe and co thought it genuinely was a bust by The Fuzz to such an extent that Topper Headon rushed into the studio toilets and flushed his entire (not inconsiderable) stash of H down the pan. One imagines that there may well have been some seriously addicted rats in the London sewers that evening.

Something which this blogger meant to mention in the last bloggersiationism in relation to Keith Levene, but neglected to; for this blogger, the soundscape that Keith and Jah Wobble created for PiL's Metal Box is about as good as music gets. This blogger loves the angularity of it, the denseness, the sheer off-the-wall quality. Of course, Levene's hero was, reportedly, Can's Michael Karoli so you can (s'cuse the pun) see such an influence in things like 'Death Disco', 'Careering', 'Poptones' and, especially, 'Albatross'.

Geoff Wonfor, who directed The Be-Atles' Grammy-winning Anthology documentary, has died at the age of seventy three. Geoff spent five years working on the six-part series, which was first broadcast in 1995. Born in 1948, Geoff began his TV career in his home town, Newcastle, working for Tyne Tees Television on Check It Out (including shooting thrilling live footage of The Jam at the City Hall) and All Right Now (including one of the few live TV appearances by The Clash). He then graduated to Channel 4's The Tube (also filmed at Tyne Tees studios on City Road) where he shot the first TV appearance of the, then unsigned, Frankie Goes To Hollywood. He later worked on several projects with Sir Paul McCartney (MBE) and a documentary about George Harrison (MBE)'s movie Shanghai Surprise and was the choice of all three then surviving Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) to handle the Anthology project. Confirming his passing, Geoff's daughter Sam said: 'He was a one-off - a huge presence with a heart to match. His warmth, humour and encyclopedic capacity for remembering jokes of all qualities ensured people who met him rarely forgot him - and that has been borne out by the wave of wonderful messages and tributes we’ve received since his passing. He loved what he did and we're so very grateful he got to continue doing it to the end.' This blogger met Geoff in 2013 when we both took part in a music and comedy event at The Stand Club on High Bridge compared by this blogger's old writing partner Alfie Joey. Keith Telly Topping can attest to Geoff's warmth and wit and especially his ability to tell stories of his work with The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) without making it sound like someone casually name-dropping. In 2018, Geoff told an audience at the Newcastle Film Festival that he'd 'welled up and cried' after McCartney called to tell Geoff he was wanted for the Anthology project. 'I was at my dad's and it was Paul McCartney who rang up and he says, "Hello there, you alright? ... I was talking to a mate of yours last night." I went, "Who the Hell does he know that I know?" He says, "A little guy called George Harrison. I didn't know you'd worked with him - but then again, he didn't know you were working with me!"' He said the pair had 'talked long into the night' before McCartney told him: 'We want to do some work with the history of The Be-Atles and you're that man.' Wonfor thought he was being asked to pick one year out of the band's career. 'What should I do, 1963 or 1964?' he asked. McCartney replied: 'Don't be a twat - you're doing all of it!' As has been pointed out, The Be-Atles could have chosen any director in the world to tell their story; they went for a straight-talking Geordie, most known for his work on a cult British TV music show. They seemed to have had a knack for finding the right people at the right time. 'It's always a pleasure to look back on my time doing the Anthology,' Geoff said in 2014. 'I'm always happy to share some stories from the five years we spent making it in London. Working with The Be-Atles was a dream come true for me. I queued for days to get a ticket to see them at Newcastle City Hall in the 1960s and I don't think I'll ever get over getting [the] call from Paul.' Geoff is survived by daughters Abi and Sam and grandchildren Ami, Amba, Amaaya, Fred and Georgie.

Monkeypox will now be known as mpox, the World Health Organization has announced, after complaints over racist and stigmatising language linked to the virus's name. Monkeys, in particular, were said to be furious. AZs, indeed, were The Monkees (or, at least, the one of them still living). The old term will be used alongside the new one for a year, before being phased out. To the delight of monkeys everywhere. Mpox was decided on after lengthy discussions between experts, countries and the general public. It can easily be used in English as well as other languages, the WHO said. Human monkeypox was first identified in 1970 and named after the disease caused by the virus was discovered in captive monkeys more than a decade before. Since then, the WHO has introduced advice on naming diseases. It stresses the need to minimise unnecessary negative impact on trade, travel, tourism or animal welfare and to avoid causing offence to any cultural, social, national or ethnic groups. And, also, to try and avoid catching it - whjatever it's called - since it's, you know, pretty nasty. During the Covid pandemic, it recommended that variants were referred to using letters of the Greek alphabet because they were 'non-stigmatising' and easy to pronounce. Apart from iota, lambda, mu, nu, xi, rho, upsilon and, especially, psi. Obviously. This year, there has been unusual spread of mpox virus - a member of the same family of viruses as smallpox - in many countries outside Central and West Africa, where it is often found. In July, the WHO declared a global health emergency because of the worldwide surge in people developing symptoms, including a high fever and skin lesions or rash. Cases of the disease have been declining for several months now, but more than one hundred different countries have been affected in 2022 - prompting huge demand for vaccine supplies to protect those most at risk. The US, Brazil, Spain, France and the UK have reported the highest total number of mpox cases this year. Globally, there have been fifty deaths from the virus. Since May, the UK has reported more than three thousand five hundred cases but a rollout of vaccines to vulnerable groups helped drive down numbers following a peak in July. Most people affected were men who have The Sex with men.

And finally, dear blog reader.

"You Are Not Worth The Dust Which The Rude Wind Blows In Your Face"

A companion for Ncuti Gatwa's forthcoming Time Lord in Doctor Who was announced live on this year's Children In Need telethon on Friday. Millie Gibson has landed the role of Ruby Sunday, the Doctor's latest companion. Presumably Ruby Tuesday, Ruby Wednesday, Ruby Thursday, Ruby Friday and Ruby Saturday were unavailable. And, Ruby Monday was filming something else at the time. Best known for her role as Coronation Street's Kellie Neelan, eighteen year old Millie was the recipient of the Best Young Performer Award at The British Soap Awards earlier this year. She has also appeared in the dramas Butterfly (ITV) and Love, Lies & Records (BBC). Speaking of her new role, Millie said: 'Whilst still being in total disbelief, I am beyond honoured to be cast as The Doctor's companion. It is a gift of a role and a dream come true and I will do everything to try and fill the boots the fellow companions have travelled in before me. And what better way to do that than being by the fabulous Ncuti Gatwa's side, I just can't wait to get started.'

Ncuti added: 'Millie just is the companion. She is full of talent, strength, she has a cheeky sparkle in her eye and is sharp as a razor. From the moment she walked into the room she captured all of our attention with her effervescence and then solidified that attention with the sheer torque of her talent. This adventure is going to be so wild and so fun, I cannot wait to sail the universe with Millie!' And, there's a very cute video of the duo which you can watch here. Ncuti is due to become the fifteenth(ish) Doctor over the festive period in 2023 (you knew that, right?) and will have but one companion for his adventures on the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama.

Just exactly how did former Doctor Who showrunner Russell Davies and former Doctor David Tennant end up returning to the show and becoming current Doctor Who showrunner Russell Davies and current Doctor David Tennant you're probably wondering, dear blog reader? And, if you're not, this blogger is going to tell you anyway so you may as well at least feign interest. If you thought, for example, that the BBC might have made the first move, begging Davies to resume TARDIS-wrangling duties, just as the Chris Chibnall and Jodie Whittaker era was drawing to a close you'd be wrong. Bigly wrong, in fact, in your massive wrongness. In his Letter From The Showrunner column for Doctor Who Magazine, Big Rusty has revealed that it all started during lockdown, when a series of online watch-along events were orchestrated by Emily Cook of Doctor Who Magazine. And it was actually Davies who had to ask the BBC if a return would be possible. To which they replied that, yes, they would be quite prepared for that eventuality. 'The cast and crew of selected episodes tweeting simultaneously with fans worldwide,' said Big Rusty. 'Enormous fun! David Tennant, Catherine Tate and I gathered online to watch The Runaway Bride. I just looked at my phone. It was 20.01 on 18 December 2020 - Catherine texted me to say how much she'd enjoyed it. I texted back: "God, let's get David to do some more Doctor and Donna, I loved it so much!" Until I looked those texts up, I thought Catherine said it first. But it was me. I don't think I really meant it, though. Honestly: no secret plan at work. Then Catherine replied, "Let's do it! The Doctor & Donna - The Lost Adventures."' Even with Cat seeming keen, Davies wasn't sure if it would actually happen. 'I thought that was that,' he added. 'We wouldn't actually go back, would we? But then Catherine texted on 23 December, "David said he'd do it again in a heartbeat! Who do we need to speak to? Come on, let's get the old band back together!"' The reaction from Davies was: '"Oh. Really? Wow! Merry Christmas." So I double-checked with David, he said yes and then ... I simply had to be professional. As a former producer of Doctor Who, I had a job to do; if David and Catherine had expressed a wish to return, it was literally my job to let the BBC know. It wasn't my choice any more. It was my duty.' Rusty added later in the column: 'I just thought, well I'll throw it out there and since Chris is doing the busiest job in TV, I won't add to his workload. I'll e-mail Piers Wenger, the Director of Drama. Simply reporting in to ask: I have no idea about your future plans, but might this fit in somewhere? A Special? The anniversary? An extra? A one-off, maybe? What d'you think?'

Apparently, dear blog reader, some Doctor Who fans have taken considerable umbrage at Russell's reported rationale for regenerating The Doctor's clothes along with their body mentioned in a recent bloggerisationism update. Including, this blogger has to note, at least one proper lovely fiend whose opinion this blogger both respects and admires. For what it's worth, Keith Telly Topping believes they're all wrong; he has no issue whatsoever with Russell's claim that he took this - not unprecedented - move because 'I think the notion of men dressing in "women's clothes", the notion of drag, is very delicate. I'm a huge fan of that culture and the dignity of that, it's truly a valuable thing. But it has to be done with immense thought and respect. With respect to Jodie and her Doctor, I think it can look like mockery when a straight man wears her clothes. To put a great big six-foot Scotsman into them looks like we're taking the mickey.' Not least, dear blog reader, because Keith Telly Topping doesn't think Russell Davies needs lessons from anyone on how to successfully portray diversity of gender, sexuality, race or trans issues on British television and in wider British culture. He's been doing it for decades and he's very good at it.

National heartthrob David Tennant's regeneration (clothes and all) was quite the trick to pull in Jodie Whittaker's last Doctor Who episode, The Power Of The Doctor. Unless, of course, you were one of the ... everyone who'd been aware of the intended malarkey for months, obviously. Doctor Who Magazine has also revealed how the regeneration scene was filmed. Jodie's regeneration scene was shot on 13 October 2021, while Tennant's took place seven months later 'on a similar, slightly smaller green screen just up the road at Roath Lock Studios,' the magazine said. The Power Of The Doctor's director, Jamie Magnus Stone, was filming in Australia, so Rachel Talalay stood-in for Tennant's scene. 'I can't imagine anyone better,' Stone told the publication. 'I'm an enormous fan of Rachel's episodes. I think she's the best director Doctor Who has ever had.' On filming the moment, Talalay said: 'I am so lucky I get to do this. That I get to re-regenerate David Tennant is phenomenal. I was already incredibly interested in returning. Just the fact that Russell was coming back was enough. When I was told it was David too, that took me to a whole other level.' Speaking last month about his return to the long-running, popular family SF franchise, Tennant explained that 'it didn't really feel like a risk. I knew that Russell was in charge and I love working with him and I love receiving a script with his name on the front, so that just felt like it was a bit of a no-brainer,' he explained.

We already know that David Tennant will be back as The Doctor and that Ncuti Gatwa will be involved in at least one of the three Sixtieth Anniversary specials before he takes on the role of The Doctor himself sometime around next Christmas. You did know that, dear blog reader? Well, if you didn't, you do now. More information about the episodes has been revealed, with Doctor Who Magazine reporting that each of the specials will be one hour long. An excerpt from the latest issue of the magazine reads: 'When Russell ran Doctor Who for five years in the 2000s, he turned it into a huge critical and commercial success.' Yes. We noticed. 'He's returning with some big, bold, next-level plans, kicking off in November 2023 with three special episodes - hour-long spectaculars - starring David's Fourteenth Doctor, before Ncuti takes over as the Fifteenth, around the festive period.' So, that'll be four episodes of Doctor Who broadcast in 2023, dear blog readers. One more than in 2022.

Whilst Doctor Who fans got to see Ncuti Gatwa meet his new companion this weekend, Ncuti also met up with the last Scot to take on the role, Peter Capaldi, at Sunday's Scottish BAFTAs, where yer man Capaldi was receiving an Outstanding Contribution To Film & Television Award. Nice threads, guys.

Last weekend's London Comic-Con saw national heartthrob David Tennant introducing his son, Ty, to a firmly-established family tradition.

The Sun - if not an actual newspaper - has reported that the excellent Miriam Margolyes will make 'a substantial guest appearance' in one of the upcoming Doctor Who Sixtieth anniversary specials. An - alleged, though suspiciously anonymous and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - 'TV insider' allegedly claimed: 'With an acting career almost as old as Doctor Who itself, it's a surprise to think she hasn't already featured in an episode over the past six decades. But that only makes her even more of a prestige addition to a cast which already features Neil Patrick Harris and Catherine Tate ... The show's creators felt that she was such a great character in real life that she was a natural choice to play the character she will have on the sci-fi show, which the BBC are keeping a closely guarded secret. And at the grand age of eighty one, her career is enjoying something of a renaissance at the moment.' As well as being a regular on BBC1's Call The Midwife, Miriam is also currently appearing with Alan Cumming in the road trip show Lost In Scotland And Beyond. 'But, to me, Miriam will always be the saucy bunny in those Cadbury's Caramel adverts,' concludes the author of this thrillingly adult piece of reportage, Rod McPhee.

Kate Winslet and Russell Davies are reuniting for fresh audio adventures of From The North favourite Dark Season from Big Finish Productions. Originally broadcast on the BBC in 1991, Dark Season was the first TV drama created and written by Russell. Its six episodes chronicled the adventures of three teenagers caught in a plot to enslave the human race, masterminded by bleach-haired villain, Mister Eldritch. The series starred a pre-Oscar Winslet, in her first major professional acting role, as Reet, along with the terrific Victoria Lambert as Marcie and Ben Chandler as Tom, who now reunite on audio for the first time in thirty-one years. Also returning from the original series are From The North favourite Brigit Forsyth as Jessica Maitland and Grant Parsons as the sinister Eldritch. Alongside a new trio of heroes, the original cast members star in Dark Season: Legacy Rising, four new full-cast audio adventures, due for release in May 2023. Kate Winslet said: 'I was delighted to be asked to come back! It’s been genuinely moving and wonderful to revisit those early days of my career. What a way to start, with the now legendary Russell T Davies! I really treasure those early moments when I learnt so much. Those invaluable early days starting out as a small fish in an enormous pond. it was a pivotal time in my life. Now, the story goes on and there's a whole other generation of young people who will enjoy Dark Season. It's been absolutely lovely to be invited back and to be able to give my voice to the character again after so many years, is very special.' Big Rusty added: 'This has been one of the great joys of my life. The first show I ever wrote, back again, with brand-new adventures! And to get all the cast back together - Kate, Victoria, Brigit, Grant and Ben - is the greatest compliment of all. All of us united in very happy memories.' Voicing the new generation of sleuthing students are Bethany Antonia, Jacob Dudman and Aitch Wylie. Producer Scott Handcock said: 'Dark Season burned itself into the memories of a whole generation of schoolchildren back in the 1990s so it’s been an utter joy to work with Russell on a new quartet of stories, catching up with the mysterious events at Bishop Grave School thirty years later. It's been a privilege to revisit that world and reunite the original cast. I don't think anyone could have expected Kate Winslet returning to the role of Reet for Big Finish, but to record scenes with her interacting with the rest of the original cast has been a real thrill.'

Almost a year since Staged broadcast its New Year special hinting at the possibility of a third series, we now have confirmation that the From The North favourite, starring David Tennant and Michael Sheen, is back. Whilst series one and two the comedy (features of the 2020 and 2021 From The North 'Best Of' lists) which originated during the first lockdown if the pandemic, were both broadcast on BBC1 and iPlayer, the third series will stream exclusively on BritBox. Fans won't have long to wait to see the new episodes, as this announcement comes mere days before they are due to be released, on Thursday 24 November. The series, created by Simon Evans and Phin Glynn, will once again star Tennant and Sheen as themselves, alongside their partners Georgia Tennant and Anna Lundberg.

The BBC celebrated the centenary of its first official broadcast on 14 November - a news bulletin read by Arthur Burrows which included a court report from the Old Bailey, details of London fog disruption and billiards scores. It was broadcast by London station 2LO, but new research shows that many groundbreaking early BBC moments came from Northern England. Manchester station 2ZY broadcast the first children's show and introduced the first regular weather forecast. Birmingham's 5IT station broadcast the first 'official concert.' The BBC that began broadcasting at 6pm on 14 November 1922 was not the British Broadcasting Corporation of today. It was the British Broadcasting Company and was made up of separate stations around the country operated by different companies. London 2LO was run by Marconi. Manchester's station was operated by Metropolitan-Vickers. However, in these early days few records were kept of what was broadcast. But new research on the BBC's very early days has been carried out by Steve Arnold, a self-confessed Radio Times obsessive. His tricky task was to try to piece together the BBC's schedules before the Radio Times was first published in September 1923. He explained that he found information in 'gossip columns [in regional newspapers] mainly, people saying we listened to this last night and this is the only record of some of these things.' Now, using sources from archive documents and newspapers, Steve has begun to piece together a picture of what the early BBC was doing. He concludes the Manchester station, which operated out of Trafford Park, seems to have been the best organised. 'It looks as though the Manchester station is probably the origins of the BBC as much as the Marconi 2LO station [in London],' he said. 'They seem to have had a far more professional approach. There's a lot more documentation and it seems they knew their onions. I'd love to know more.' The record of Manchester's pioneering children's programme reveals that on 15 November 1922, Miss A Bennie, known as The Lady of the Magic Carpet, read The Happy Prince by Oscar Wilde. One excited listener wrote: 'I first clapped the phones to my ears, a recitation was in progress and then a voice announced "Now, children, listen to this lovely fairy story."' Algy's Priceless Piffle, featuring Victor Smythe, was a pioneer of radio satire and, again, came from 2ZY. Manchester also broadcast, according to the Liverpool Echo, the first variety acts on 24 November 1922, two months before 2LO's first official variety programme, Veterans Of Variety. The importance of the BBC in Manchester also lay in how far it reached. At the beginning it could only be heard in an area around twenty five miles from Trafford Park. However, over the next few years the signal was relayed to other transmitters in Liverpool (6LV), Leeds/Bradford (2LS), Hull (6KH), Nottingham (5NG) and Stoke-on-Trent (6ST). Other services covering the UK were also set up in the months after the first broadcast. The first broadcast from Newcastle upon Tyne (station 5NO) occurred on Christmas Eve 1922. In Glasgow, 5SC opened on 6 March 1923 and broadcast excerpts of an opera. Cardiff's 5WA broadcast the first full performance of a new orchestral opera on 30 May 1923. The BBC has been celebrating its centenary over the past month with a series of events and special programmes. You might have noticed at least one of them. As it found its way on air in the early months, there was much in the way of experimentation. Even the first bulletin on 2LO one hundred years ago was repeated. That was because station bosses asked for it to be read twice, once at normal speed and then again at half-speed before listeners were asked to say which speed they preferred. 

As reported - with great excitement - by Mark Kermode on the latest episode of From The North's favourite podcast, Kermode & Mayo's Take, The Hollywood Reporter had an 'exclusive' (for about twenty seconds) that Mark's oppo of over twenty years, the very excellent Simon Mayo, has had one of his novel's optioned by a production company. Knife Edge, the 2020 thriller novel and Sunday Times best-seller by Simon has been optioned for TV by iGeneration Studios. Síofra Campbell has been attached to adapt the book to series and will also serve as lead writer and executive producer, alongside iGeneration principals Edward Glauser and Michael Shyjka. Mayo's fourth novel, Knife Edge follows disenchanted journalist Famie Madden as she investigates the brutal murder of four of her press agency colleagues in coordinated rush-hour stabbings in the space of minutes. 'I loved writing Knife Edge because I love writing about Famie,' said Simon, former Radio 1 Breakfast Show DJ and Top Of The Pops regular, who is these days best known as the co-host of the popular Kermode & Mayo's Film Review on Radio 5, which ran from 2001 until early 2022, when the two announced they were taking the format to their new podcast home, Kermode & Mayo's Take. At which point, Mark professed himself delighted that he'd copped a mention in paragraph three of the press release! 'She's not the easiest person to get on with,' added Simon, 'but she was the easiest person to write. It's a very contemporary, old-fashioned thriller that ends with much blood in the cathedral. Who could say no?' Campbell's credits include Marvelous, her debut feature as writer-director, starring Ewen Bremner, Amy Ryan and Michael Shannon and the twelve-part comedy podcast The British Are Coming! starring Clint Dyer, Akemnji Ndifornyen, Saskia Reeves and Barry Ward. iGeneration Studios is currently in post-production on the Netflix series My Life With The Walter Boys, based on the Ali Novak novel, which will launch in 2023. Its rom-com film trilogy The Kissing Booth set viewing records for Netflix, with the second movie remaining in the streamer's top ten most-watched films of all time. Following their success with teen and young-adult programming, Knife Edge marks the first primetime thriller for iGeneration.

For this latest bloggerisationism's 'From The North highly recommends you should check this out' notification, dear blog reader, this blogger's excellent fiend Jay Gent's superb piece on From The North favourite Doctor Terror's House Of Horrors at the We Are Cult website should be right at the top of your 'must read' list. You can catch it here. And remember, dear blog readers, 'Aw man, you don't wanna play around with voodoo!'

Next on From The North ...

'Dennis, put the popular author down!'

'What was that about will readings being boring?' 'The exception that proves the rule!'

Carry On Columbus on Talking Pictures. Just to prove that there are some things worse than death!

Then, dear blog reader, there's our old favourite semi-regular From The North feature, Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War & Espionage Movies of the 1960s and 70s: Number Seventy One: Richard Burton: 'It was a foul, foul operation, but it paid off.' Claire Bloom: 'Who for?' Richard Burton: 'What the Hell do you think spies are? Moral philosophers measuring everything they do against the word of God or Karl Marx? They're not! They're just a bunch of seedy, squalid bastards like me!' The Spy Who Came In From The Cold.

Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War & Espionage Movies of the 1960s and 70s: Number Seventy Two: Anthony Hopkins: 'All I want you to do is distract that guard.' Wendy Allnutt: 'What if he doesn't fancy me?' Anthony Hopkins: 'Oh, that's all we need - a guard that's queer?' When Eight Bells Toll.

Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War, Espionage & Conspiracy Movies of the 1960s and 70s: Number Seventy Three: John Houston: 'Where are your values in life?' Jeff Bridges: 'I honestly don't know.' John Houston: 'Do you get laid?' Jeff Bridges: 'Yeah.' John Houston: 'Do you know how many times your brother got laid when he was in office?' Jeff Bridges: 'What are you, the National Inquirer?' John Houston: 'One thousand seventy-two. And with a schedule like his!' Winter Kills.

Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War & Espionage Movies of the 1960s and 70s: Number Seventy Four: Michael York: 'I find that I cannot put the honour of the regiment above my own.' Conduct Unbecoming. A rather obscure one, this, which considering the cast it had is a surprise. Michael York's - entirely unrelated - namesake, Susannah, incidentally appears to be taking it up the Gary Glitter here. There was a reason that this blogger used this particular image. Keith Telly Topping don't just throw these things together, you know.

Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War & Espionage Movies of the 1960s and 70s (Or, In This Case, 1944): Number Seventy Five: Stanley Holloway: 'Only one good man ever got into Parliament.' Raymond Huntley: 'Oh really? Who?' Stanley Holloway: 'Bleedin' Guy Fawkes.' The Way Ahead. Another absolute twenty four carat masterpiece.

Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War & Espionage Movies of the 1960s and 70s: Number Seventy Six: Donald Webster: 'How'd you scrape your knuckles?' Paul Newman: 'Shadowboxing a lamppost!' The Mackintosh Man.

Memorably Daft Lines from Blockbuster War & Espionage Movies of the 1960s and 70s: Number Seventy Seven: Alf Malland: 'And who might you be?' Sean Connery: 'I am Commander Tahlvik and in control of this operation.' Alf Malland: 'Standard procedure in these situations.' Sean Connery: 'And how many hostage negotiations have you been involved with?' Alf Malland: 'This is my first.' Sean Connery: 'This is no time to practice procedure. We will do it my way ... It is my first time too and I need all the help I can get!' Ransom.

Followed, somewhat inevitably, by Memorably Daft Double-Entendres In Episodes Of Doctor Whom (1963-2022). Number Six: The cast of Arc Of Infinity come to a sudden, horrified, realisation.

Memorably Daft Double-Entendres In Episodes Of Doctor Whom (1963-2022). Number Seven: It would appear that some of the rumours about The Green Death shoot may, indeed, have been true.

Memorably Daft Double-Entendres In Episodes Of Doctor Whom (1963-2022). Number Eight: The Ark In Space.

Memorably Daft Double-Entendres In Episodes Of Doctor Whom (1963-2022). Number Nine: Roger Delgado delivers a precise, perceptive little critique on The Time Monster.

Memorably Daft Double-Entendres In Episodes Of Doctor Whom (1963-2022). Number Ten: The Three Doctors.

Incidentally, dear blog readers, you all may have noticed that From The North has undergone something of a design facelift over the last week, since the most recent bloggerisationism update - Keith Telly Topping Presents ... The From The North TV Awards (2022) - was published. It's been a while coming, frankly. Although, perhaps inevitably, it drew some - not entirely unexpected - criticism from a few of The Usual Suspects.

And speaking of this very blog, it has been usual in previous years in the immediate aftermath of this blog's annual TV Awards going live that From The North receives something of a boost in daily traffic as loads of punters rush to the blog to check out the winners and losers. This year was no different and the blog's usual between-four-and-six-thousand daily hits was significantly exceeded on Thursday, Friday, Saturday (especially Saturday) and Sunday. Which was nice. Welcome, therefore, to all new dear blog readers who have decided to stick around having enjoyed what they've seen so far. Make yourselves comfortable and obey all rules. 

This blogger received a jolly nasty shock this week, dear blog reader, when he was alerted to the fact that it was forty three years ago (on 16 November 1979), that The Jam's Setting Sons was released. And it was, therefore, exactly forty three years ago on 17 November (a Saturday) that this blogger, then aged sixteen, bought that particular LP at Virgin Records in Eldon Square. Dear God, where the Hell has this blogger's life gone? It seems that we really did 'grow up in a flash of time.' He knew what he was talking about even then, that Mister Weller. It's an old truism that the years in someone's life between the ages of twenty five and fifty five seem to go like a click of the fingers, dear blog reader. Which is a truly and deeply depressing thought.

Which leads us, with the sad inevitability of the sadly inevitable, to the part of From The North dedicated to this blogger's on-going medical malarkey. Or, strictly speaking malarkeys. For those dear blog readers who haven't been following this on-going fiasco which appears to have been on-going longer than the world record for the javelin, it goes like this: Keith Telly Topping spent some weeks around New Year feeling rotten; experienced five days in hospital; was discharged; received B12 injections; then more injections; somewhat recovered his missing appetite; got an initial diagnosis; had a consultant's meeting; continued to suffer fatigue and insomnia; endured a second endoscopy; had another consultation; got (unrelated) toothache; had an extraction; which took ages to heal; had another consultation; spent a week where nothing remotely health-related occurred; was given further B-12 injections; had an echocardiogram; received more blood extractions; made another hospital visit; saw the insomnia and torpor continue; received yet more blood tests; had a rearranged appointment for his sick note; suffered his worst period yet with the fatigue. Until the following week. And, then the week after that. Oh, the fatigue, dear blog reader. The depressing, ceaseless fatigue. He had a go on the Blood-Letting Machine; got another sickie; had an assessment; was given his fourth COVID jab; got some surprising news related to his assessment; had the results of his annual diabetes check-up; had another really bad week with the fatigue and with the sciatica.

This week, dear blog reader, this blogger suffered yet another night of chronic insomnia, disturbing nightmares and, when he did eventually drop off to kip, having to get up every two hours in desperate need of a pee. So, it was another Monday morning spending the early hours watching Talking Pictures, Sky Sports News and ITV4 (that was all right), followed by another breakfast of cocoa pops(!) and a nice steaming hot cup of Joe (that was also broadly acceptable). Another day where, by the time he reached 10.30am, this blogger had already more-or-less written off the rest of the day as a bad lot. Another day of him doing a little bit more work on what was, at that stage, the next bloggerisationisms update and then, thinking, 'I'll do this when I'm properly awake' and another day where 'properly awake' never, quite, arrived. This blogger's life in a nutshell, dear blog readers. Still, it could have be worse. Keith Telly Topping could have caught a cold as well. And then, as if by magic, the hacking cough started. Oh, joy.

The following day, this blogger woke at 3.30am (a new Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House record for those taking notes) and just couldn't get back to sleep no matter how hard he tried. As is not unusual these days. He subsequently left The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House at 8.30am for a 9am medical appointment and found his very self stuck on The School Bus. Which was an experience-and-a-half. The appointment went fine, as it happens - another couple of blood tests plus the slightly higher-than-expected blood pressure reading from two weeks ago did, indeed, seem to have been an anomaly due to this blogger not having taken his Nifedipine that particular morning before setting off to the surgery. As Keith Telly Topping had suspected at the time. Thus far the day had been a standard, somewhat-overcast-but-dry, Tuesday in November. This blogger got to the bus stop on Welbeck Road and then, out of nowhere, it started pissing down (foul weather which continued for roughly the next four days). The bus arrived and this blogger reached Shields Road, got some money from the bank, then he had a haircut. Met the new tenant of The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House, dear blog reader, Shaun. Keith Telly Topping went to Morrisons, bought some stuff, left, went to Greggs across the road merely to get a couple of Stotties which should have taken about fifteen seconds but, typically, this blogger found himself standing behind some prick who was buying enough produce to feed India. By the time this cheb finally left there was a queue out of the door behind this blogger. Then Keith Telly Topping discovered that he'd missed the bus home due to that bonehead numbskull. He, thus, got further soaked waiting for the next number twelve. Then, he got even more soaked  walking (really slowly) back up Wigmore Avenue. Finally he got back to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House resembling a drowned rat. A drowned - short-haired - rat, admittedly. Like Eruption, this blogger can't stand the rain. By the way, dear blog reader, note how this blogger managed to take a 'reverse image' selfie here (if you notice, the titles of all the books behind this blogger are backwards and the door to The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House living room is on this blogger's right rather than the left as it is in actuality).

Three months almost to the day since the gas man took this blogger's - long-unused - appliance out, at the crack of dawn on Thursday morning, Mister Brickie (let's call him Phil McCavity for the sake of argument) rocked up at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House and bricked up this blogger's hole in the wall. The plasterer should, Phil claimed, be along in 'a few days' to finish the job and make the living room look vaguely presentable. But, that was nevertheless a bit of a result since this blogger was looking at spending Christmas with icicles hanging off his snitch.

England beat Pakistan by five wickets in a pulsating final in Melbourne to win the T20 World Cup and become double world champions. Chasing one hundred and thirty eight in front of a raucous Pakistan-supporting crowd, they fell to forty five for three and then eighty four for four amid electric fast bowling. But, under intense pressure at the Melbourne Cricket Ground, Ben Stokes wrote himself further into the folklore of English cricket by finishing on fifty two not out. He was there at the end, as he was in the 2019 fifty-over World Cup final, as this current white-ball side provided another of English cricket's greatest wins. As the equation tightened, Stokes capitalised on an injury to Pakistan left-armer Shaheen Afridi and took England to victory with six balls to spare. The win, thanks in large part to a superb bowling performance from Sam Curran and Adil Rashid, means that England become the first team to hold the men's twenty and fifty-over world titles at the same time. It is also their second T20 world title following victory in the West Indies in 2010. As Stokes pulled away after hitting the winning runs, his celebration was reminiscent of another of his iconic knocks, in the 2019 Ashes Test at Headingley. He was soon mobbed by his team-mates before they celebrated in front of the few England fans among this massive crowd of over eighty thousand punters. The pitch was tricky but England had looked strong favourites after their bowling performance restricted Pakistan to one hundred and thirty seven for eight. England, though, know finals are never easy. Their experience at Lord's in 2019 showed that. Pakistan have one of the best pace attacks in the world and the crowd erupted as early wickets fell in the chase. But Stokes stayed calm throughout, even as the equation tightened to a situation where forty one runs were needed from thirty balls, to steer his side home with his first T20 international fifty. His innings also banished memories of the 2016 T20 World Cup final, when he was spanked by Carlos Brathwaite's four consecutive sixes in the final over as West Indies took the title. After a shock defeat by Ireland and a washout against Australia in the group stage, England needed to win all their remaining games to lift the trophy, just as they did in the 2019 fifty-over World Cup. Pakistan - and the crowd - sensed their moment when, with fifty four needed from forty five balls, Harry Brook sliced leg-spinner Shadab Khan straight to long-off. But in taking the catch Shaheen, who had bowled Alex Hales in England's first over, injured himself - a moment which proved crucial. He returned to the field to bowl the sixteenth but after one delivery he limped off the field. That left part-time spinner Iftikhar Ahmed to finish the over and Stokes took his chance, smacking a four through extra cover and a six over long-off to bring the game under England's control. Moeen Ali followed suit, hitting seamer Mohammad Wasim for three fours in the next over and the result was all but secure, even though Moeen was bowled in the nineteenth over. Pakistan's pace bowlers can take little blame. Haris Rauf had England captain Jos Buttler caught behind for twenty six and Phil Salt taken at mid-wicket in a thrilling spell of pace. He and Naseem Shah, who somehow went wicketless in four sensational overs, did all they could to secure what would have been Pakistan's second T20 title. England were similarly impressive with the ball, albeit after a nervy start from Stokes, who began the match with a no-ball and then a wide. Pakistan's fearsome opening pair of captain Babar Azam and Mohammad Rizwan were surprisingly cagey early on and Rizwan was bowled in the fifth over by Curran for fifteen. Leg-spinner Rashid then had the dangerous Muhammad Haris caught at long-on with his first ball and in his third over delivered a crucial blow. Babar had steadily reached thirty two but Rashid foxed him with a googly and took a fine low return catch. Rashid followed that with five dots to Iftikhar to complete a remarkable wicket-maiden in the heat of a World Cup final. From there, Pakistan could not recover. They lost seven wickets for fifty three runs in the last nine overs. Curran was deservedly named player of the tournament for a series of stunning performances and once again his mix of slower yorkers and bouncers proved almost impossible to hit - he conceded just twelve runs off his four overs. Shan Masood was Pakistan's highest scorer with thirty eight from thirty two. He chipped Curran to Liam Livingstone at deep square leg in the seventeenth over, which allowed Chris Jordan to help close out the innings. Jordan, who retained his place after Mark Wood failed to recover from injury, added the wickets of Shadab Khan (well caught in the deep by Chris Woakes) and Mohammad Nawaz (giving Livingstone his third caught of the innings) as only eighteen runs came from the last four overs. England captain Jos Butler, speaking to Radio 5 Sports Extra said: 'It hasn't sunk in at all obviously. What an unbelievable effort from everyone to win the game. I am a bit speechless. It feels really different to 2019. It was a different time, difference place and a different group. I am just immensely proud. Both are just incredible.' Stokes added: 'I feel really good. It has been an amazing night. The bowlers have to take credit for restricting them to one hundred and thirty seven. Sam Curran has done it all tournament and Adil Rashid has turned up at the back end of the tournament when it really matters. That was the best I've seen him bowl for England in a T20. I am very proud. You don't get to win World Cups too often so to win two of them is pretty special.'

And, speaking of World Cup's, England's fitba campaign opened in a thoroughly convincing fashion as they outclassed Iran during an incident-packed Group B match in Doha. Gareth Southgate's side strolled to victory, with Iran's hopeless plight made worse after the early loss of their goalkeeper, Alireza Beiranvand, to concussion after a clash of heads with his team-mate Majid Hosseini. Jude Bellingham got England off the mark with a soaring header from Luke Shaw's pinpoint cross ten minutes before the break shortly after Harry Maguire had hit the bar. The game was effectively wrapped up before half-time thanks to Bukayo Saka's fine strike and Raheem Sterling's classy volley with the outside of his foot from Harry Kane's centre. Iran's supporters were given a moment of delight when Mehdi Taremi scored a fine goal after sixty five minutes but it only produced a ruthless response from England as Saka scored his second and substitute Marcus Rashford added a fifth with his first involvement - both smooth, composed strikes. To put the gloss on an incredibly dominant display, Jack Grealish slotted home from close range after a good run and square pass by follow substitute Callum Wilson. Iran did pull another back in injury time when Taremi slotted in a penalty after a John Stones foul. The game - which included a whopping twenty four minutes of added time across both halves - finished, as they used to say on the Grandstand vidiprinter, England 6 (SIX), Iran 2. It was played out against the backdrop of yet more off-field controversy after England (and several other nations) were forced to ditch plans to wear OneLove armbands promoting diversity and inclusivity under threat from those well-known appeasers of fascists and dictators FIFA of players being cautioned should they carry out the gesture. It is almost impossible to deliver any firm judgement on England's World Cup prospects given the paucity of Iran's opposition but this could hardly have gone better for Southgate as his one major selection decision reaped a rich dividend and the result was near perfect (though he still expressed some post-match dissatisfaction at his side conceding two sloppy goals). Iran were expected to provide stern resistance as they currently reside in the top twenty FIFA rankings and have a recent victory against Uruguay on their record but England made light work of the task once Bellingham gave them the lead. Bellingham is being touted as one of the emerging talents at this World Cup, the nineteen-year-old Borussia Dortmund player is already a target for a host of the game's elite names. Even in the context of this game, Bellingham showed exactly why as he joined Saka as the dominant force in this game, scoring his first England goal with a magnificent header and bestriding midfield with a complete authority that belied his tender years. This was only the second time England have scored six goals in a major tournament but, on this evidence, one would not bet against the brilliant Bellingham being involved the next time it happens. Southgate picked Saka ahead of Sheikh Yer Man City's Phil Foden, the only mildly contentious decision in his line-up, but there can be no arguments after a hugely impressive performance from the twenty one-year-old who has played such a big part as The Arse currently lead the Premier League. Saka scored twice and was a threat throughout and thoroughly deserved the warm applause he received when he was substituted. It will get harder for England as they face the United States and Wales but this was the perfect start. Iran suffered the early setback of losing goalkeeper Beiranvand to suspected concussion but this was never going to change the course of the game give the chasm in class between the two sides. Iran coach Carlos Quieroz hinted at a bold approach beforehand but once the game settled down following an opening twenty minutes littered with interruptions, this match was only going one way. Iran's many fans had a moment of joy when Taremi thumped home his finish but there was little else to celebrate in this game as their team took one Hell of a beating. This was not a day without great significance, however, as both Iran's players and supporters used this global stage to make their feelings clear about the growing human rights protests against the ruling regime in their homeland. Their national anthem was shouted down by the supporters and none of the Iran players joined in singing it. Iranian fans could also be heard chanting 'Ali Karimi' in the first-half in reference to the former footballer who is one of the most outspoken critics of the Islamic Republic and among the most popular faces of the protest movement. The fans could also be heard chanting 'Be-Sharaf', which means 'dishonourable' in Persian. This is an adjective that protesters have used against security forces in Iran. It's also a useful phrase to describe that risible coward and arsehole Gianni Infantino and his idiot views. Hundreds of fans missed the start of the match because of what was described as 'an issue' with FIFA's ticketing app.

Since the last From The North bloggerisationisms update, dear blog reader, there has been the announcement of the deaths of two musicians whom this blogger greatly admired. Firstly, Hawkwind's Nik Turner and, the following day, Public Image Limited's Keith Levene.

Humans could stay on the Moon for lengthy periods during this decade, a NASA official has told the BBC. Providing the Clangers, the Soup Dragon, the Froglets and the inhabitants of Moonbase Alpha don't mind, obviously. Doctor Howard Hu (no, really), who leads the Orion lunar spacecraft programme for the agency, said habitats would be needed to support scientific missions. Doctor Hu told Sunday With Laura Kuenssberg that Wednesday's launch of the Artemis rocket, which carries Orion, was a 'historic day for human space flight.' Orion is currently about eighty million miles from the Moon. The one hundred metre-tall rocket blasted off from the Kennedy Space Centre as part of NASA's mission to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life ... and take astronauts back to Earth's satellite. Sitting atop the rocket is the Orion spacecraft which, for this first mission, is uncrewed but is equipped with a 'manikin' which will register the impacts of the flight on the human body. Or, they could just ask Buzz Aldrin what it was like. Wednesday's flight followed two previous launch attempts in August and September which were aborted during the countdown because of technical issues. Come on, guys, it's not rocket science. Doctor Hu told Laura Kuenssberg that watching Artemis lift off was 'an unbelievable feeling' and 'a dream. It's the first step we're taking to long-term deep space exploration, for not just the United States but for the world,' he said. 'And I think this is an historic day for NASA, but it's also an historic day for all the people who love human space flight and deep space exploration. we are going back to the Moon, we're working towards a sustainable programme and this is the vehicle that will carry the people that will land us back on the Moon again.' Doctor Hu explained that if the current Artemis flight was successful then the next one would be with a crew, followed by a third where astronauts would land on the Moon again for the first time since Apollo 17 fifty years ago in December 1972. The current mission was proceeding well, he told the BBC, with 'all systems working' and the mission team preparing for the next firing of Orion's engines at lunchtime on Monday to put the spacecraft into a distant orbit of the Moon. Doctor Hu admitted that watching the mission from Earth was 'not unlike' being an anxious parent, but he said seeing the images and the videos coming back from Orion 'really gives that excitement and feeling of, "Wow, we are headed back to the Moon."' One of the most critical phases of the Artemis I mission is getting the Orion module safely back to Earth. It will re-enter the planet's atmosphere at twenty four thousand miles per hour, or thirty two times the speed of sound, or effing fast and the shield on its underside will be subjected to temperatures approaching three thousand degrees. An act whose membership has dramatically expanded since they recorded 'The Year Of Decision.' Once the safety of Artemis's components and systems has been tested and proven, Doctor Hu said the plan was to have humans living on the Moon 'in this decade.' Tragically, Laura did not take the opportunity to ask Doctor Hu what would happen in the event of an attack on The Moonbase by, say, The Cybermen. Which, you know, wouldn't be entirely unprecedented. Something along the lines of 'Oh, Doctor Hu. What shall I do? I've got those kind of Moonbase Telos Cyber blues.'

A large part of the reason for going back to the Moon is to discover whether there is water at the satellite's South pole (just turn left at the Soup Mines), he added, because that could be converted to provide a fuel for craft going deeper into space - to Mars, for example. 'We're going to be sending people down to the surface and they're going to be living on that surface and doing science,' Doctor Hu said. 'It's really going to be very important for us to learn a little bit beyond our Earth's orbit and then do a big step when we go to Mars. And the Artemis missions enable us to have a sustainable platform and transportation system that allows us to learn how to operate in that deep space environment.' The Orion capsule is due back on Earth on 11 December. When asked about all of this invasion of the Earthmen malarkey, a local resident commented: 'Boo, poo, boo. Boo, boo poo.' Which, this blogger is sure we can all get right behind, dear blog reader.

A man who 'refused to co-operate' with the courts by not answering his name and reading loudly from a pre-prepared statement, was told by the judge 'don't talk such tripe' and sent down the nick according to the Isle Of Wight County Press. This blogger used to go, regularly, on family holidays to the Isle Of Wight. It was where he bought his first David Bowie LP. It always seemed quite a sensible place in the 1970s. Anyway, Brian James Bailey, no address given (but, for a few weeks at least, can be reached via HMP Parkhurst), insisted on being called 'Brian James of the family Bailey' but at first wouldn't answer when asked to give his name, at the Isle of Wight Magistrates' Court. Instead, he tried to read from a document he had brought with him. His persistent refusal to engage with the court process saw him sent to the cells by Judge Anthony Callaway. Who sounds like a right laugh. Judge Callaway called for Bailey to be forcibly removed from the dock and the case proceeded in his absence. And, thence, to be taken to a place of execution. At which point the Usher told The Judge, 'err ... we don't do that any more, your honour.' Bailey was charged with driving without insurance, fraudulently using a registration number, obstructing a police officer in the execution of his duty, possession of cannabis and being a very silly man, on 13 October. Ann Smout, prosecuting (and, with a name like that, you'd have to, really), said police had stopped Bailey's vehicle on the outskirts of Newport because the details on the van numberplate, BA113Y, were not found on the police's national register. Bailey stopped but refused to get out of the vehicle. Police had to stop traffic in both directions and smash his window to remove him and take him into custody. Cannabis was found in the van. Bailey told the police that he hadn't consented to be stopped, but pulled over to let the police go past. He said his offences did not have a victim so they 'weren't a crime' (an interesting defence which this blogger hopes lots of other people will try just to see how much time they get) and refused to co-operate with the judicial process. At court, not guilty pleas were entered on his behalf. He was unrepresented and found extremely guilty on all charges. Particularly the 'being a very silly man,' thing. Afterwards, he was offered to chance to engage with the probation service but again refused, seeking only to read from his statement. Ice formed on the upper reaches of Judge Callaway, who sent Bailey into custody for three weeks when he must re-appear for sentencing and to be told not be such a daft plank in future.

And finally, dear blog reader, the sole nomination for this week's From The North Headline Of The Week award; the Jersey Evening Post's Jersey Woman Phones Nine-Nine-Nine After Finding Asian Hornet Asleep In Her Trousers.