Saturday, July 14, 2007

RTD Caused Global Warming

As mentioned previously, there were two twenty four carat great comedy threads on the Outpost Gallifrey forums last week. You've seen the best of one of them, here's the best of the other:

In this thread we reveal the true staggering power and terrifying might of Doctor Who executive producer yer actual Russell T Davies in his awesomeness.

RTD is responsible for global warming.

RTD was responsible for the Chernobyl meltdown.

That terrible flooding Britain had a couple of weeks back? … That was RTD.

RTD caused the fall of the Roman Empire.

RTD said 'ni' to that old woman.

RTD just threw a brick through my window.

RTD is responsible for me stubbing my toe against a loose floorboard. If this was America, I'd sue him. But RTD would probably win.

RTD shot JFK from the Grassy Knoll on 22 November 1963. With the same gun he would use to kill Elvis fourteen years later.

RTD sabotaged Apollo 13. Just because he could.

It's RTD who revs his car engine outside my window for exactly thirty nine seconds at three minutes past five in the morning, every morning, thus waking me up and making me cranky all day.

RTD didn't pay my phone bill.

Sino-Japanese War, 1930-1945. That was RTD.

The Russian Revolution, 1917. RTD ... and Chris Chibnall.

RTD burned the last copy of Marco Polo and then blamed the BBC.

RTD shot JR, John Lennon, Pope John Paul and Phil Mitchell.

Napoleon still blames RTD for the dreadful events of 1812.

RTD killed Cock Robin.

RTD ate Freddie Starr's Hamster.

RTD really is the Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells

RTD ate more leaves than he should, causing other giraffes to die.

RTD wrote, recorded and distributed the Crazy Frog ringtone.

RTD designed the chaotic traffic systems on either end of the Tyne Bridge.

RTD made Scary Spice pregnant.

RTD engineered the removal of Pluto's status as a planet.

RTD is hard. I'll tell you how hard he is, right. He was hard even before he was hard. That's how hard he is.

RTD got George W Bush elected. Twice.

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to RTD.

RTD bought all of Boyzone's records and made them famous.

RTD was the fire-eating lead singer in The Goombay Dance Band.

RTD is the Illuminati and is responsible for the New World Order, globalisation, America's foreign policy, instability in the Middle East, the massacre of Grozny, Toto Coelo's one hit wonder status, Alan Johnston's kidnapping (and release), the contents of the Diana Memorial Concert. And for Genesis reforming for Live World. The twat.

In 1914, RTD was seen throwing a bomb at the car of the Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand.

RTD made the dodo extinct, cut the tails off Manx cats and caused the platypus to be regarded as a freak of nature.

RTD ate the last After-Eight.

RTD invented Pot Noodles.

RTD kept Terry Waites chained to a radiator for five years. For his own amusement.

RTD named David Beckham's children.

RTD is the reason behind Colin Farrell's unfortunate choice of film roles post Phone Booth.

RTD got Paris Hilton out of jail. Then back in. Then out again.

RTD casts no shadow. He also rolls with it and doesn't look back in anger.

An anagram of RDT is DDT. If you take away the R and add another D.

'Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? RTD, RTD, RTD ate all the pies.'

RTD pretends that he wasn't responsible for Eldorado but we all know the truth.

RTD devised the Self Assessment tax forms.

RTD was entirely responsible for 'Everything I Do (I Do it For You)' being at number one for six years.

RTD was the reason why there were no Britons in the third round at Wimbledon this year.

RTD both smelt it and, indeed, dealt it.

RTD sank The Belgrano.

RTD cut the breaks on the jag and, thus, killed The Stig.

RTD is Sylvester Sneekley.

RTD poo-pooed Captain Blackadder.

RTD is a key member of The Knight's Templer, The Spanish Inquisition, The Masons and The Manchester United Supports Club.

RTD returned a book I loaned him with cigarette burns on the pages, folded corners and a badly creased spine.

RTD genuinely thinks that Hot Fuzz would have been a lot funnier if it had been a vehicle for the Chuckle Brothers.

RTD cancelled Doctor Who in 1985. And 1989. And 1996.

RTD has never once cried at the end of It's A Wonderful Life. In his defence, he gets an uncharacteristic lump in his throat and claims to have something in his eye when Jim Brown dies in The Dirty Dozen. But he cheers right up when Trini Lopez cops it a few moments later.

RTD loves the smell of napalm in the morning.

RTD thought War Of The Daleks was 'really quite decent.'

RTD's favourite sportsman is Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards.

RTD annexed the Sudetenland for Lebensraum.

RTD not only plied Freddie Flintoff with drink and loaned him his pedelo but then he grassed him up to the tabloids like a dirty stinking Copper's Nark.

It was RTD, not Yoko, who caused The Beatles to split up.

RTD left the tape on the lock at the Watergate building.

RTD has just been to the West Indies. He went of his own accord because nobody makes RTD do anything.

RTD tipped off Mary Whitehouse about the end of episode three of The Deadly Assassin.

RTD puts itching powder on the seats of the people who read the Ten O'Clock News.

RTD is utterly convinced that his Montgomery Burns impression is fantastic but when Freema thought he was actually doing a James Mason impression RTD sent her home for eight episodes to 'think about what she's done.' Then he sent her to Torchwood for further punishment.

RTD is scared of Clive Dunn - refusing to believe that in Dad's Army he wore make up to make him look old. He, therefore, believes that Dunn is actually immortal.

RTD thinks you should strangle chickens quickly before they try to make friends with you.

RTD is become RTD, The Destroyer Of Worlds. For RTD is a jealous God and thou shalt worship no other Gods before He.

RTD keeps Nicola Bryant bound and gagged in a metal dustbin in his front room. Each night he goes home from work and bangs the dustbin with a stick for fifteen minutes.

RTD is so hard that he once stared at Ray Winstone for so long that Winstone had to looked away first.

RTD knows where Richie Manic is hiding.

RTD arrives for tone meetings naked except for a Robin Hood hat and carrying a jar of marmite. No one knows why, or dares to ask.

RTD murdered Nancy and let Sid take the rap.

RTD caused an unexpected error and had to close suddenly. He apologised for the inconvenience. Do you want to report him Yes/No?

RTD told Simon Cowell 'nice guys get no viewers. Meaner!'

RTD once killed a sheep with his bare hands. He claimed it was in self-defence, but nobody really believed him.

RTD knows who we are, where we live and has silently vowed to get us all.

RTD caused the universe to stop expanding and forced it to contract to such a degree that I can't even open my front door to feed the cats.

RTD is destroying the rainforest and killing thousands of species every day. He also has the cure for cancer, but won't give it out.

RTD writes letters to the Daily Mail about what he'd like to do to asylum seekers, teenage single mothers and benefit scroungers.

RTD collects the dandruff of all the Doctor Who production team, piles it up in his garden and skis down it on his days off, while singing 'I'm the king of the castle.'

If you roar at RTD he will run away - but he will soon return, in greater numbers.

RTD gave a false description of goods he was selling on amazon. He said they were 'like new' when, in fact, they were merely 'acceptable.'

RTD stalks the countryside at night howling at the moon 'I'll show them all'.

RTD created Windows Vista.

When RTD says 'Stop! Hammer Time!' everyone wears ridiculously baggy trousers and does the silly dance.

When RTD buys tuna, he avoids the tins with the 'dolphin friendly' label.

RTD has the ability to appear in anyone's house when they are asleep but getting ready to awaken. He will sing a few bars of a song and then mysteriously vanish leaving you with the song stuck in your head all day but with no clear idea of why it's there. He favours the Diff'rent Strokes and Littlest Hobo theme songs or, anything from the Brtiney Spears oeuvre.

RTD was 'Pretentious Music Journalist' on Steve Wright In The Afternoon and can often be heard saying 'Rave on!' to no one in particular.

RTD will one day surprise us all with a startling revelation that will make the reason for Dan Brown's continued existence obsolete.

RTD just has to make one telephone call and say one word and that process will turn Keith Chegwin into The Ultimate Assassin.

RTD is not my lover. He's just a guy who claims that I am the one. But the kid is not his son.

Last night, RTD broke into my house, stole everything, and replaced it with an exact replica.

RTD smuggled all the WMDs out of Iraq from under Dubbya's nose.

RTD shot the sheriff and the deputy.

You have probably heard this rumour. That's because RTD started it.

RTD only smokes cigars rolled on the thighs of Hungarian political prisoners.

RTD moves my car keys around so I can't remember where I put them.

It was RTD who grassed up Jezza Clarkson to Ofcom for calling that car 'a bit ginger beer.'

RTD is a Judaeo-Masonic conspiracy.

RTD kidnapped the Lindburgh baby and burned the Reichstag.

I saw RTD speakin' with the Devil!

RTD put the 'bop' in the 'bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop.'

RTD also put to 'ram' in the 'rama-lama-ding-dang.'

RTD also put the 'shoop' in the 'shoop-she-doop-shee-doop.' And RTD made my baby fall in love with me.

RTD forces his maid to polish his collection of life size Daleks for inspection every morning. If The Daleks are not clean to an acceptable standard he releases his pet leopard.

RTD killed Miss Scarlett. In the library. With the lead piping.

Whenever he plays Monopoly, RTD always passes GO and always collects two hundred pounds.

RTD killed Cock Robin and threw pussy down the well.

RTD spies for the FBI.

RTD was the one who left the cake out in the rain.

RTD sows the wind and reaps the whirlwind. Then he harnesses the whirlwind and uses it as a weapon with which to hold the world at ransom. And, also as a power source to run all of the electrical items in his groovy bachelor pad that he shares with his nine virgin Filipino slaves.

By the time he gets to Phoenix, RTD will be risin'.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then RTD will begin.

Prolonged exposure to RTD can cause hallucinations and bladder dysfunction.

RTD is Keyser Söze.

London Bridge didn't fall down, RTD tripped it up.

RTD broke Michael Corleone's heart.

When RTD smiles somewhere a kitten dies.

Right now, RTD is in bed. With your mum.

RTD invited a perpetual motion machine and then burned it along with the blueprints.

When RTD sings, you do hear violins.

RTD is most definitely not 'the bank that likes to say "Yes"'.

RTD is impervious to all substances ... except toast.

When fandom gets too uppity and full of itself, RTD spanks it and sends it to bed.

RTD insists on twisting my melon, man.

Ghosts tell their friends RTD stories.

RTD once killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.

RTD did that to Michael Jackson's face.

Society is not to blame, RTD is.

Johnny Rotten and Steve Jones only swore at Bill Grundy because RTD told them to.

RTD was standing in the wings taunting the elephant that ran amok on Blue Peter.

RTD thinks Eric Roberts is the best. Not the best Master, just the best. Ever.

RTD can take the sunshine and sprinkle it with dew. But he doesn't like to.

RTD sleeps with the light on. Not because RTD is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of RTD.

RTD is bad. Meaning bad.

RTD can eat three Shredded Wheat.

RTD snitched on the Guildford Four, the Birmingham Six and the Shrewsbury Two (yes, even Ricky Tomlinson).

RTD is pathologically afraid of hammocks. He can't even be in the same room as one. Not even folded up.

RTD giggles manically when he sees the ratings for Jekyll.

RTD has been known to flip through the phone book, pick someone at random, and have them killed.

Whenever anybody has to go and see a man about a dog, RTD is The Man they go to see.

If RTD had a fight with Mike Tyson, Lennox Lewis, George Foreman and Smokin' Joe Frazier, RTD would taken them all on at the same time and win and the other four would be reduced to whimpering in the corner for their mummies.

RTD knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

RTD has not only jumped the shark but also jumped the lobster and the squid. He took their wallets and their rolexes.

RTD got my mojo workin' and now I'm rilly built for speed.

RTD killed Trotsky. With an ice-pick. It made his ears burn.

RTD will never reveal his whereabouts on The Day The Music Died.

RTD has no nose. Don't mention this, though, or he will fuck your face in.

RTD sleeps with the fishes. The fishes don't seen to mind, though.

RTD goes to the opera and shouts 'COR LOOK AT THE PACKAGE ON THAT, HUBBA HUBBA' when the male lead comes on. And he won't stop, even when 'sshhh'd' by the rich folk that paid good money to see it.

RTD made up a dance to 'Yes Sir, I Can Boogie' - it's a clumsy, graceless spectacle but when he does it you had better laugh and clap along at his merry antics or he will kill you with his thumbs.

RTD is the twisted puppet-master behind Bob Geldof's reign of terror.

RTD will break you by repeating everything you say parrot fashion until you have been utterly destroyed.

RTD pitied the fools long before Mr T ever did.

RTD's ideal supergroup is fronted by Ken Livingstone. He doesn't care who else is in it.

RTD knows exactly what becomes of the broken-hearted.

RTD has nineteen million,two hundred and seventy four thousand three hundred and fourteen things on his Amazon Wish List.

RTD has just cancelled all of our restaurant reservations.

RTD is responsible for getting Pandora to open her box in the first place and, therefore, everything bad that's ever happened is down to him. And, what's more, all he gave us in return was 'hope.' What kind of a deal is that?

RTD carries around a bag of small pebbles to throw at people he doesn't like the look of.

RTD believes that Derren Brown is his arch-nemesis and that a terrible, Earth-shattering confrontation t'wixt the two is inevitable.

RTD is always standing in the shadows of love.

RTD will tear us apart. Again.

RTD is the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse. Timelash was the Sixth.

RTD once chinned Mr Bonio out of The U2 Group because he thought it was 'time someone did.'

RTD started the Trumpton Riots.

RTD didn't vote for Scooch.

RTD always makes the cash machine swallow my card. Then, he makes the sour faced woman in the bank treat me like a mass murderer when I ask for some money using my driving licence as ID.

When Stagger Lee shot Billy, it was over whether RTD was 'brilliant' or mrely 'good.

RTD said 'let there be light' and there was light. But RTD wasn't happy with it, so stalked around the wet streets of Cardiff till 4am until when he had a better idea.

RTD built this city on rock and roll.

If RTD sez you have to do something, you do it, regardless of what Simon sez.

RTD anchors the evening news. He also invents most of it.

RTD helped Patrick McGoohan escape and knows where Syd Barrett lives.

RTD killed Eric Morecambe and made Ernie Wise unfunny.

RTD throws florins and thru'penny bits at beggars.

RTD is down wit' da kidz.

When jets fly over the Falkland Isles RTD runs around merrily pushing all the penguins over.

RTD kidnapped Michael Stipe and played him 'Shiny Happy People' on a loop until he couldn't stand to hear it any more. Now Michael knows how the rest of us feel.

RTD is the only person in the world able to lick his own elbow.

RTD is both The Resurrection and The Light.

RTD frequently returns ... from beyond the grave!!!!

RTD is a pejorative political or colloquial term used to describe an allegedly predatory (or simply desperate) person or entity. The implication in this usage is that the accused RTD intentionally targets the easiest or weakest people to achieve personally profitable ends.

The only bit of 'Voodoo Child' by Rogue Trader that RTD knows is 'Baby, Baby Baby' and he sings it constantly until you just wish he'd stop.

RTD is the black private dick that's a sex machine with all the chicks. Can you dig it?

RTD once rode a Polar bear from Anchorage, Alaska to Tierra del Fuego just to prove that it could be done. He took a helicopter back to pick up his luggage, leaving the polar bear stranded many thousands of miles from home and rather lonely.

RTD's favourite bits of The Two Ronnies was when Barbara Dickson came on - to this day the only sure-fire way of calming him down and coaxing him out of killing tramps is to play 'Caravan'.

RTD has pet ant called Charlie Watkins. Charlie Watkins is fifty feet long, twenty feet high and will one day destroy the monarchy.

RTD busted Mick and Keef at Redlands because RTD thinks that breaking a butterfly on a wheel is a right bloody fantastic thing to do. RTD, however, does not approve of Mars Bars under any circumstances. Particularly, that one.

RTD is single-handedly keeping the Yellowstone super-volcano from erupting.

RTD is a peanut-bitten monkey and all his friends are junkies.

RTD lives in an igloo made entirely out of whale fat on the banks of the river Ooze.

RTD wrote the popular football terrace chants 'Come And Have a Go If You Think You're Hard Enough' and 'You're So Shit It's Unbelieveable.'

Listen! And understand. RTD is out there! He can't be bargained with, can't be reasoned with! He doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear and he absolutely will not stop. Ever!

RTD does not gaze into The Abyss. The Abyss gazes into RTD.

RTD is responsible for all of the spam in the word. Not just on the Internet but in cans of spam too.

Guns don't kill people: RTD kills people.

RTD was only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.

And, you know, the thing about RTD ... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living ... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then ... ah, then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'.

RTD wasn't even the best drummer in The Beatles.

RTD has used all of his lives and now he plans to steal mine.

RTD threw the first brick at the Notting Hill riots and then casually strolled away.

RTD advised Kylie that what 'Can't You Out Of My Head' really needed was a catchy 'na-na-na' chorus.

RTD has - and retains - both da poison and da rey-maaaaa-deee...

If you were to be squatting pissed in a tube-hole in Tottenham Court Road, talkin' to the most blonde y'ever met, RTD would be shouting 'lager, lager, lager, mega, mega white-thing' before going back to Romford.

RTD shot Josh Lyman.

RTD's density is greater than that of Uranium.

RTD shouts 'Scrubbers' at school girls. If questioned on this he'll reply 'Little tarts, they love it.'

RTD is orchestrating a world-wide terror programme by hiring old people to drive slowly in the fast lane with their left indicator on.

RTD does not help the aged. Why should he, he's RTD?

Gordon Ramsey told RTD to moderate his language and show some fucking passion. Just once.

RTD invented The Hucklebuck. RTD, therefore, considers that if you don't know how to do it then you really are out of luck.

RTD is wholly responsible for the London 2012 logo.

RTD was the creative force behind rock and roll. He also invented RnB, Surf, Merseybeat, Mod, Folk-Rock, Psyche, Acid-Rock, Soul, Glam, Funk, Disco, Punk, Indie, Grunge, Britpop, Dadrock, House, Trance, Ragga, Ambient, Jungle, Gangsta Rap, Handbag and Techno. But not Metal or Prog. Obviously.

RTD created the CSI franchise just so he can hide his victims in plain sight.

RTD is the evil mastermind behind the collapse of Steve Gutenberg's career.

RTD told me it was fun to stay at the YMCA. However, it wasn't, it was only mildly enjoyable.

RTD has only got one ball. The other, is in the Albert Hall.

God doesn't do bad things to good people, RTD does.

RTD wants to reintroduce slavery, hanging, transportation to the colonies and sticking children up chimneys.

Late one dark and stormy night, RTD sneaked inside Tony Christie's head and removed all knowledge of how to get to Amarillo.

.sdrawkcab siht tsop em edam DTR

I had a brilliant line, certain to cause hilarity. Unfortunately, RTD made me forget it.

Thanks to:
ourmutualfriend, skywise, IMForeman, phaser, Nick Barlow, Paul Jennings, QuerulousQuirk, Lee Carey, theevilfridge, Doc Filth, bluebottle, Balbinder Mann, rumleech, Will4321, Simma, Herbert West, peterorange, Dalek Warhol, cushing1967, sheringham, Gazza Innit, NethDugan, Local Member, captainjamesbrooke, Matt Saffery, delgardofan, MoonAura, Krimson Gray, Raj Kaputni, Vid Vicious, johnstone666, Paul Jennings, Doctor_Occupant, Evil Soup Dragon, hacketm, Jiver, Rob Stickler, veemoffa, Coriander, mrdavros, Crayola of Doodah, Phantom Lamb, Jaimie 93, Timelord Dan, tomrichr6 and everyone else who contributed to the RTD Caused Global Warming thread.

And Russell, if by some miracle of the Intraweb you're reading this, keep doin' it all, matey.