The Doctor Who Fan's Phrasebook

Well, it hasn't 'alf been a right funny old week to be a Doctor Who fan, and that's a bloomin' fact!

The casting announcements of, firstly, Kylie Minogue on Monday and then, Catherine Tate on Tuesday sent the usually reasonably calm Outpost Gallifrey forum – to which this blogger is a contributor - into virtual meltdown. No, actually, that's a complete lie. It's never calm, 'reasonably' or otherwise. Anyway a lot of the threads this week, unfortunately, were rather crude, full of spiteful comments made in haste and it all ended in a huge fight … So, no change there, then. This is particularly true of those many threads regarding Cat Tate. Poor lass, she’s walked right into the middle of a tempest of bombast with this one. Amid all this, however, were a couple of absolute twenty four-carat comedy gems that kind of reminded you exactly why you hang around the place.

One, a humorous thread in which posters were given the opportunity to blame all of the problems of the world on Russell Davies – since he seems to be getting the blame for lots of stuff from those who don't like his casting decision - called RTD Caused Global Warming! got close on one thousand posts at the time of writing and includes some of the funniest stuff the board had seen in years. Amazingly, however, that wasn't even the most amusing OG thread of the week.

What follows are extracts from a thread called The Fan’s Phrasebook. Some of them are this blogger's contributions, but many are not and are the work of others listed at the foot of the page. Remember, if you can't laugh at yourself - and your friends - then there really is something seriously wrong with you.

Here are a wide selection of commonly used Doctor Who fan comments posted – some with truly monotonous regularity - onto the Outpost Gallifrey forum. Underneath, you will find their translations into English. If you recognise yourself in any of these then that probably makes two of us.

Fandom:

“I am proud to be a Doctor Who fan.”
I am scum. I am a socially maladjusted retard who is nervous around the opposite sex. I am either a spiteful and dour malcontent with a cynically vicious streak so wide my anorak has had to be made by a special tailor or a verbose and inanely positive Special Needs creep who is easily pleased by the most charmless and bland lowest-common-denominator television imaginable. My next reply will tell you which...

“I've been a Doctor Who fan since the series began.”
I am 46 and can just about remember William Hartnell.

“I've been a Doctor Who fan since the 1960s.”
I am 43 and can just about remember Patrick Troughton.

“I've been a Doctor Who fan since the 1970s.”
I am 39 and can just about remember Jon Pertwee.

“I've been a Doctor Who fan since the Golden Days.”
I am 35 and can just about remember 'The Talons of Weng Chiang'

“I've been a Doctor Who fan for many years.”
I am 20, and lying my head off in the vague hope that claiming to be older than I am will make me seem more windswept and interesting to those that I virtually interact with.

“Quotefile!”
I am old enough to remember rec.arts.drwho. And to shudder at the very mention of its name.

“I am a recognised authority on Doctor Who.”
I have an Internet blog which is read by just three people. And they only read it so they can laugh at me.

“I, actually, know what I'm talking about.”
I, actually, don't know what I'm talking about in the slightest.

“I felt that Story X was a bit weak.”
Why am I not producing this show? And directing it? And writing it? And why am I not playing the Doctor and/or his assistant?

“Why did this happen/that happen/he say that? That doesn't make any sense!”
Like most of my generation, I have the attention span of the average goldfish and, therefore, completely missed the point of whatever it is that I'm complaining about? Sorry, what was the question again? ... Do I know you?

"The Doctor's line about xxxx directly contradicts what he said in ..."
I am, apparently, unaware that Doctor Who is a fictional television show written by lots of different people.

"You are, apparently, unaware that Doctor Who is a fictional television show written by lots of different people."
Look at me, everybody, I'm making some Saddo with borderline Autism look like a clown! Aren't I just, like, the coolest kiddie that ever did walk the earth?! I think I'll go out a beat up some cripples next.

"The BBC has stated that it has a long term commitment to Doctor Who."
If they cancel it, I'll cry.

"RTD has ruined the old 'community spirit' of fandom."
I am conveniently forgetting 'The DWB Wars', 'the rec.arts.drwho Years' and every other fandom spat - large or small - in living memory. I am also annoyed that all of the little "keeping the spirit alive" fiefdoms that were carefully built whilst Doctor Who was off the air - DWAS, Big Finish, BBC Books, the Restoration Team, and, yes even Outpost Gally itself - have been rendered almost redundant by the new series which simply doesn't need fandom anymore. This makes me bitter and long for the days when Doctor Who used to belong to me and a few of my friends.

“I am not in the UK, but ...”
I am praying that nobody asks me the blatantly obvious question of how I can possibly pass comment on episodes that I cannot, legally, have seen yet.

"A typical fan" (cynical viewpoint.)
An anally-retentive, socially inept, sexually immature sheep.

"A typical fan" (slightly more positive viewpoint.)
An enthusiastic (if occasionally a bit scary), reasonably intelligent and well-read type with a fun outlook and a thirst for adventure. But also, an anally-retentive, socially inept and sexually immature sheep.

"A typical fan" (sexual orientation viewpoint.)
Fifty percent probability that they're gay. Unless they're - aggressively - not. In which case, they almost certainly are, they just haven't got around to telling their parents or friends yet. And, also, an anally-retentive, socially inept, sexually immature sheep.

Fandom Buzzwords:

“That’s nothing but ‘stunt casting’.”
They've just cast somebody that I’ve actually heard of in Doctor Who.

“That was nothing but a load of old ‘fanwank’.”
They've just made a continuity reference that I don't like in Doctor Who.

“Why do we have all these deus ex machina endings?”
Look Ma! I'm using Latin on the Internet!

“Occam's Razor / Straw Man / Oxymoron / Faux-naïf / Gravitas.”
I don't really know what any of these words mean, but when I use them in a sentence they make me look far more intelligent than I actually am. In my mind.

“This episode was cringeworthy in the extreme.”
I live in a state of near permanent embarrassment and have extreme difficulty in expressing myself without resorting to outrageous over-exaggeration and somewhat crass clichés.

“Genius!”
That was a mildly amusing comment. I rather wish I'd said it.

“I am a serious Whovianologist.”
It's not the size of the made-up word that’s important, it's what you do with it that counts.

“Zygon porn.”
I’ve got my hopes up way too high.

"Bland Hollywood-style sentimentality."
A positive portrayal of human nature. Please note that if everybody dies in a massive bloodbath, I shall not be complaining about "shallow Hollywood-style cynicism."

“I couldn't possibly comment.”
Yes, what you’ve just said is exactly what I meant in my previous – highly euphemistic - posting. But I really don't want to get sued or thrown off this board for saying that so, you know, schtum.

“Rose was a chav.”
I have seldom met any real people, let alone any actual chavs. And, if I ever did, I would undoubtedly get my head kicked in.

“A plot hole big enough to pilot the TARDIS through.”
I didn't understand that bit. There was some sort of explanation going on but I was fiddling with the remote control at the time and I missed it.

"As ever, treat this as 'a rumour' until told otherwise."
As ever, treat this as "a total, complete and utter lie" until told otherwise.

“A blatant plot device.”
An element of the episode whose relevance I spotted two minutes before my parents. Aren't I clever, eh? Why isn't everybody talking about me, me, me, me, me, me?

“irony (aeIroni), n. 1. An English invention in which one says something that one does not necessarily mean. For the purposes of Merriment and Japery. 2. Like "goldy" or "brassy" but with iron. 3. What you mum does with your shirts after washing.”
I once had a couple of jokes printed in Private Eye. Not, necessarily, MY jokes you understand, but...

“sarcasm.”
Dude, I am 14. I've just discovered that saying "pfft … yeah, right" in an ironic and casual way when somebody says something enthusiastic will, depending on the circumstances, either get other 14 year olds smirking and thinking I’m, like, premo-rad or will make the enthusiastic person embarrassed and angry and we can have a fight. Which I'll, like, totally win. Cos I'm pure dead hard, so I am.

“It's not 'Canon'.”
I've not seen/read/heard this text you mention and, therefore, I don't like it.

“The TV Movie is Canon, the New Series is not.”
I have an almighty crush on Paul McGann and am still sulking because they never made a series with him.

“Soap.”
Absolutely anything in Doctor Who that's remotely connected to contemporary Earth or working-class people.

“Cliché.”
Something has happened in Doctor Who this week that’s a little bit like something I've seen once before in Doctor Who.

“This is NOT Doctor Who. Doctor Who is being ‘dumbed down’!!!”
Something has happened in Doctor Who this week the like of which I have never seen before. This both confuses and upsets me greatly.

"Doctor Who has never been more vibrant, cutting-edge, thrusting and vital."
I am delighted that, these days, I can go out in public in a Dalek T-shirt and not have people laughing at me and calling me a spastic.

”References.”
Blatant rip-offs.

”An homage.”
A blatant rip-off.

”A pastiche.”
A blatant rip-off.

”An influence.”
A blatant rip-off.

”A nod.”
A freely-acknowledged blatant rip-off.

“The Silent Majority.”
A collection of people who don’t exist. I’ve just made them up so that I can claim to speak for them.

“The Silent Minority.”
About twenty loud-mouthed philistines who post onto this board and who are, quite frankly, anything but silent.

“The reset button.”
A logical plot resolution to this week's episode which I am going to complain about. A lot.

“Boring, boring, boring.”
Oh dear… Lawrence has been drinking too much coffee again.

The Classic Series:

“The Classic series.”
Any four or five year period of Doctor Who between the years 1963 and 1989 that I really liked.

“The Classic Series was much better.”
The world was so much simpler when I was younger.

“Doctor Who in the 1960s, 70s and early 80s was a much-loved British institution, frequently referenced in other media as a sign on its high standing within British culture. It demanded total respect within the industry and the media at large because of its outstanding storytelling, cutting-edge minimalist designs and clever construction.”
Doctor Who in the 1960s, 70s and early 80s was a television show that most people watched but had pretty much grown out of by the time they reached the age of sixteen and discovered the opposite sex. The reason it maintained such a healthy audience was because there were only three TV channels in Britain in those days and if you weren't an intellectual, you didn't watch BBC2. Most people watched it simply out of habit. Doctor Who was the frequent butt of jokes by stand-up comedians because of its well-recognised clichéd elements like wooden acting, cheap sets and even cheaper spacecraft. The phrase "it's like something off of Doctor Who" would be used by ignorant twats, like your dad, to describe anything weird that they didn't understand and/or didn't like - for example, some really cool band with purple hair on Top of the Pops. The hard kids at school NEVER liked Doctor Who and, if you mentioned it in their vicinity they would fist you in the face just on general principle.

“Sydney Newman’s original concept was for a programme that would educate viewers rather than the glitzy nonsense we have now.”
A cliché is still a cliché, no matter how flowery the delivery. No poetry. No soul.

“The maturity, quality and depth of the Classic Series still astonishes.”
Listen, I liked wobbly sets, rocks made of polystyrene, plots ripped-off from every movie Hammer ever made and spaceships made out of tin foil and sticky-backed plastic.

“A far cry from the pantomime the programme became in the Eighties.”
I'm wholly oblivious to the irony and hypocrisy of defending the new series by attacking an era that others cherish.

“Doctor Who used to be scary!”
I'm completely unable to assimilate the fact that the sort of reaction which led me to sleep with the lights on for a fortnight when I was five cannot possibly be replicated when I'm forty.

"Doctor Who used to be scary!" (slight return)
'Horror of Fang Rock' made me wet the bed when I was six.

“Terrance Dicks should write for New Who.”
Terrance Dicks last wrote for television in 1983. I, however, am unable to accept that television scripting has changed significantly in the last twenty five years.

“There should be more horror like it used to be.”
I am conveniently ignoring everything in the classic series except for the Philip Hinchcliffe era. Besides, I don't like “funny stuff” and episodes featuring songs by the Scissors Sisters make me rather nervous for reasons I cannot accurately describe.

The Classic Series and Sex:

“The Classic Series had stories with more depth and gravitas.”
I want a companion with large breasts.

“Nothing can ever come close to Tom Baker's Doctor. He was the best.”
I had my first sexual experience ogling Louise Jameson's loincloth. In fact, I’m getting a stiffy right now just thinking about it. Excuse, I’m going to have to go offline for a few moments.

“I thought Romana was an excellent foil for the Doctor and brought an intelligence to the companion role not seen since Liz Shaw.”
I like posh birds, me.

“Let's face it Doctor Who companions have always been - essentially - lust objects.”
The first stirrings of my sexual awakening was a dream I had in 1983 about me taking Tegan, roughly, up the Gary Glitter. I've been in therapy ever since.

Outpost Gallifrey - Code of Conduct:

“Oops, double post.”
Outpost Gallifrey's sodding server is unable to cope with my MASSIVE wit yet again. Bollocks. And it was a good'un an'all...

“That could be considered a Code of Conduct violation.”
"I'm gonna grass you up like a Copper's nark!"

“... and you felt you had to start your own thread on this subject when one already exists, because?”
"I am an officious pedant ... And, I'm gonna grass you up like a Copper's nark!"

"I have informed the Moderators about this clear breach of the Code of Conduct."
I was the school sneak when I was twelve. Therefore, I have already grassed you up like a Copper's nark!

"I've been Rocker'd."
I've been nabbed by The Mods.

“Read the Code of Conduct.”
“The next time you call Catherine Tate "a talentless bimbo" or anything even remotely like it, you're out of here.”

“Only people who lack critical faculties like RTD's Doctor Who.”
I'm not sure what a "faculty" is, exactly - but I've figured out that this is a clever way of appearing to call people stupid without actually breaching the Code of Conduct.

“With all due respect…”
I think you are bottom-feeding scum with opinions of no value whatsoever to man nor beast. Unfortunately, we have this damn Code of Conduct so I'm biting my lip and taking the piss out of you at the same time.

Outpost Gallifrey - Net Shorthand:

“You forgot to write ‘IMO’.”
I am too stupid to realise that everything posted on this board, and indeed on the entire Internet is – by definition - someone’s opinion. Otherwise they wouldn’t bother to say it in the first place.

"IMHO ."
I am American.

"(Sp?) "
I am illiterate.

“That was really funny! LOL! LOL!”
I found your post vaguely amusing but I wanted to flatter you.

”I just spat Tango over my keyboard when you said that.”
I found your post vaguely amusing but I wanted to flatter you.

"LMFAO ROFL!!!"
I found your post vaguely amusing but I wanted to flatter you.

"U guys dont lik DR Hoo, do you? U suck. Wot a bunch of looosers!!!!!"
Mom and dad are out for the night and they've left the computer on.

“SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
I fancy that David Tennant quite a lot.

Outpost Gallifrey - Lexicon:

“There's too much squeeeing in the New Series forum.”
I am a sour and bitter cynic who has had all of the joy crushed out of him by the relentless disappointments of his life and consequently feel uncomfortable with effusive displays of naked enthusiasm. I intend to drag everybody else into my pit of misery with me. I’ve suffered for my art, now it’s your turn.

“Not We’s.”
"Normal" people.

“The viewing public.”
A bunch of semi-educated, sub-literate Troglodytes whose dull minds would shrivel upon contact with my leviathan of an intellect, and whose continued shallow happiness cruelly mocks my vastly superior cynicism. How I loathe them and all they stand for.

“He’s an assertive online personality.”
He’s an rather sinister overgrown school-bully in his forties who loves being able to dominate immature fanboys because he can string four words together and has some vague connection to the programme. Worse, he thinks he is SO totally effing cool despite the fact that - as a Doctor Who fan - he, inherently, isn't. What an effing tool, he is.

“Rubbish. Absolute rubbish. I only gave it 1/5 cos there wasn't a 0 option.”
I didn't particularly like it this week.

“Fantastic! Best of the best, I only gave it 5/5 cos there wasn't a 6 option.”
I thought it was quite good this week.

“Am I the only one that thinks that...?”
I'm clearly not the only one that thinks that... But you can bet that I'm probably in a very small minority.

“I'm not sure if anybody else has already mentioned this, but...”
I am far too lazy to read through sixty previous posts on this thread, despite the fact that ten of them are from people in my ignore file and another fifteen are one-liners from people who think they're pure-dead funny like that Topping berk, but, anyway here’s what I think.. Oh, several people HAVE already mentioned it? Well, what the hell, I’m going to mention it anyway because it's vitally important that you all hear what I have to say on the subject.

Outpost Gallifrey – Generalisations:

"Worst! Episode! Ever!"
Yes, I saw that episode of The Simpsons as well. And yes, I am aware that the character who said that line is supposed to be a parody of me, personally. Ironic, you say? Please explain further.

"That's 45 minutes of my life I'll never get back"
... on the other hand, if I hadn't been watching the episode, I'd just have been sitting in my gaff staring at the wall being miserable. So at least it's given me something to talk to other people about.

"It just goes to show, yet again, how poor [episode title] was."
I have become so obsessed with my deep and abiding loathing for a particular episode that I am forced to mention this fact in every single thread relating to any subject for the rest of the season and possibly well beyond.

“Most fans hated that episode.”
Most fans – who expressed a preference - actually liked that episode. I just can't bothered to check the poll at the top of this page.

“My friends all disliked that episode.”
Actually, I have no friends whatsoever but I thought that if I said I did on an Internet forum people might believe that I do and, as a consequence, talk to me.

“There is too much juvenile humour in New Who.”
I don't have any friends and therefore cannot appreciate that most people use humour to relate to others and alleviate difficult situations.

"That was awesome!"
I wear a baseball cap on, backwards.

“That episode was rubbish even though most critics liked it.”
Any old idiot can become a critic.

"This episode was vexatious and ill-conceived, too many plot points were left unexplained leading me to suspect that the writer was either being deliberately obtuse or is just plain incompetent.”
My day job is as a librarian which gives me lots of time to read big words in the dictionary. However, I'd really like to be a television critic - for one of the "quality" newspapers, of course - and am stunned that no one's ever asked me to do just that. In the evening, I strangle my pets...

Outpost Gallifrey – Conflict:

“You are, of course, correct. My mistake. Thanks for pointing that out.”
Satnfatnratnbatnsatnfatndickdastardly...

“You are, once again, absolutely correct to notice my elementary schoolboy error. Many apologies.”
Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, bloody pick...

“Hey, that's no problem. We're all friends here, right?”
I'm gonna wait for you in the tall grass, Mister. I'm gonna stalk you and then one day, when you least except it, I'm gonna pick you up before you've even fallen down with THE most pithy and smart-Alec retort you've ever heard in your entire miserable life and you're gonna look about THAT big. And then who'll be laughing? Pffft, not you matey, that's for sure...

“We should all respect each other's opinions .”
EVERYBODY JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!!!

“I have to say, whilst not wishing to cast doubt upon the veracity of your claims that you could produce a better episode than RTD, you haven't said exactly what sort of television experience you, yourself have.”
Oh, I see. So you're the Big-Brained-Fucking-Expert on all things telly around these parts? Okay then, Big Boy, whaddya've got?

“I sincerely doubt that.”
I have an O level pass in Advanced Smugness.

"You are the voice of reason. An oasis of sanity in a desert of madness. My compliments."
Thank Christ for that, someone has finally had the outright good sense to agree with me. I was getting really worried there for a moment. Will you marry me and have my babies?

“A little harsh, I feel.”
If we were in a pub, you'd be picking up your teeth off the floor right now.

“That really isn't very nice.”
If we were in a pub, they'd be loading you into the ambulance right now.

“I don't wish to seem dismissive of your views, which are obviously sincerely held...”
Pffft! You utter wanker!

“It hurts me to say this, but...”
It completely delights me to say this, but...

“To an extent, you're correct. But…”
You are completely and totally correct in every way except one which I'm now going to drone on and on about for a few hundred words until everybody forgets that I've, essentially, conceded the rest of the argument to you.

"Okay, well let's just agree to disagree on that one.”
I'm losing this argument badly - can we just stop now without me losing too much face?

“I'm entitled to my opinion.”
I really didn't think about that previous post, at all, did I?

“You have every right to your own opinions just as I have every right to mine.”
Thank you for your timely reminder of what "Ignore Files" are for.

“You can't post anything negative on here without being jumped on.”
I posted an opinion on a forum and someone disagreed with it.

“I can't post on this forum without RTD's feckless thugs ganging up on me!”
I posted an opinion on a forum and several people disagreed with it.

“This forum is full of RTD fanboys who like any old rubbish that he gives them.”
I posted and opinion on a forum and several people disagreed with it which upset me because it physically hurts me when people like things that I don't.

“You're trying to shout me down!”
You are disagreeing with me. And you're actually making pretty good counter-arguments.

“My opinions are being dismissed! Ever heard of free speech?!”
I have no idea what the concept of "free speech" actually entails.

“I am right and I will be proved right in the end.”
Are you looking at me in a funny way? Right. You. Outside. Now!

“That's it! I've had enough! I'm leaving!”
I appear to have lost the argument. My next port of call will be to re-register myself under a different screen-name in a few days and start the same argument all over again in the hope that I’ll win second time around. If that doesn’t work, I’ve got a third alias already sorted.

"This is the first time I have ever posted onto this forum."
This is the first time I have posted onto this forum using this particular screen-name. You'll be hearing a lot more from me. Though not, necessarily, using this particular screen-name.

Outpost Gallifrey – The "I Can’t Be Arsed" Section:

“Fixed that for you.”
I can't be arsed to type a proper reply, it's so much quicker to edit your original post into something humorous or slightly risqué.

“Quoted for truth.”
I can't be arsed to type any reply at all.

"What He said."
I also can't be arsed to type any reply at all.

“I can't believe you just posted that.”
I can't be arsed to read this thread properly so I missed the first poster trying to be ironic. And even if I had realised that, I wouldn't have got it anyway since I don't have a sense of humour of any description. Why are you laughing at me?

"Whatever!"
I can't be arsed to come up with a witty retort to that last post so I'm just going to use "whatever!" instead.

Self-Aggrandisement and Reflected Glory:

“The last time I talked to Steven Moffett he told me about this idea he had for a story where...”
I have never talked to Steven Moffat. See, I can't even spell his name properly. However, I was once in the same pub as him. I smiled at him and he backed away nervously.

“... and I think Paul Cornell was there at time if I remember correctly.”
… Paul Cornell was also there. He was, also, backing away nervously.

“I remember talking to Paul Cornell in the Fitzroy once and he said...”
I KNOW PAUL CORNELL! HE'S MY BESTEST MATE, HE IS. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME ALL YOU PLEBS, YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS ME.

"Somebody really should have a quiet word in Russell's ear about stuff like this."
I have a massively inflated sense of my own importance and how much weight my opinions carry in certain circles.

The New Series:

"Wow! I am totally speechless. That has to be, like, the greatest single bit of television drama that has ever been made!"
Wow! I am clearly *not* speechless since I was able to form a relatively coherent sentence there (well, as close I can get to a relatively coherent sentence, anyway). However, equally clearly, I have never seen I Claudius, The Singing Detective, Talking to a Stranger, The Year of the Sex Olympics, State of Play, Our Friends in the North (despite Eccleston and Daniel Craig being in it), Blue Remembered Hills, Scum, Ready When You Are Mr McGill, House of Cards, Edge of Darkness, Auf Wiedersehen Pet or, even the 1980 Christmas episode of Shoestring. I have, on the other hand, seen 'The Aztecs'. But that was in black and white and was just four episodes of people talking in cod-Shakespeare accents. Nevertheless, despite this I am still sticking to my laughably sweeping statement that an episode of Doctor Who surpasses every single bit of television ever made by anyone. Ever. In the whole world. Bar none.

“Doctor Who these days is not a patch on the Classic series.”
Girls like it. Urgh! It can't be any good if girls like it.

“Why did the last scene have to ruin it?”
I loved 98% of this episode.

“I have just watched what can only be described as THE worst episode of Doctor Who that I have ever witnessed in all my life. Bar none. How can this complete drivel be acceptable to anyone? Fellow fans, I urge you, join with me in a campaign to rid ourselves of this plague that calls itself RTD.”
Never post angry.

"Enough, already."
I watch a lot of American sitcoms and believe that talking like a New York Jew is really cool even though I am from Stoke-on-Trent myself.

"It hasn't been the same since Ecclestone left."
Despite watching thirteen episodes featuring the award-winning, large-eared Northern actor, I still cannot get close to spelling his surname correctly.

"I was not overly impressed."
I bastard-well hated it.

“I genuinely wish I'd enjoyed it, but I didn't.”
I genuinely enjoy being dismissive and trite as often as possible.

“If the show carries on like this, I won't be watching again.”
Wild horses wouldn't stop me from tuning in next week.

“I, for one, will not be watching next week...”
I, for one, will definitely be watching next week. And, moaning about the episode in the Rate thread at least five minutes before the end...

“Do you plan to boycott Season Four?”
217 days before the transmission of a television series, would you care to discuss - at perfectly enormous length - the pros and cons of whether you intend to watch it or not. Even though we both know it's more likely that pigs will fly than you'll miss a single second once it's on.

“OMG Feema Agueman was so bad wens Roze coming back? LOL.”
I fancy Billie Piper but have forgotten how to work the DVD player, and I can't read, so I don't know what else she might be in.

“I will never watch 'Love & Monsters' again as long as I live!!!!!!!”
I actually watched 'Love & Monsters' last week and, for most of it, forgot that I was supposed to hate it.

“The Doctor should have more gravitas.”
I am too lazy to read any serious literature.

“Nu Who is way too soapy.”
I don't watch soap-operas and, therefore, have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. And I cannot spell the word ‘new’ either. I also sometimes have trouble with other words like ‘for’, ‘you’ and ‘too’.

“The constant references to Bad Wolf/Torchwood/Saxon lacked subtlety.”
I managed to spot one of these references myself without having to read about it on Wikipedia the following day. I felt like a God as a result.

“Why can't we see more alien planets?”
I have no concept of the economics of television production.

“Robert Holmes must be turning in his grave.”
I specialise in making tasteless and inappropriate comments about dead former members of the Doctor Who production team.

“Robert Holmes would never have written fart gags.”
I have clearly never paid any attention to a single story written by Robert Holmes.

“I wish they would get rid of all these pathetic pop-culture references which will age so quickly.”
I have absolutely no idea who or what they are talking about when they make these references and that makes me feel desperately uncool.

“If I recall correctly...”
Who the Hell am I kidding? I ALWAYS recall correctly. I can remember the Logopolitan code for restoring the TARDIS down to the last hexadecimal. But I don't want everyone here to think I'm, like, really Sad or anything.

“The dialogue in that scene was nothing but a massive info-dump.”
I am an expert in every line of every script of every Doctor Who episode ever broadcast and, consequently, I resent the fact that writers consider it necessary to explain things like continuity to people who are less dedicated than I am.

“I want Sally Sparrow to be the next companion/ the Ice Warriors in Season Four/ An explanation of the Time War/ Paul McGann to come back/ A sequel to Mawdryn Undead...”
I want a pony! Please, please, please, Santa, can I have a pony? Pleeeeeaassseeeeee?

“It just isn't Doctor Who as I know it.”
It just isn't my nostalgic memories of whatever bit of Doctor Who happened to be on when I was eight years old and, as a consequence, extremely impressionable.

”Doctor Who shouldn't spend so much time on present day Earth.”
Jon who?

“Forty five minutes isn't long enough for a Doctor Who story.”
I really miss having two episodes worth of corridor scenes in every story.

“All stories should be two parters.”
No, really - I only used to watch the show for the corridor scenes.

“I love DW for its flexible format.”
Every episode of this show should be set in Victorian or Edwardian England, with the Doctor wearing period clothes. And with a really fit bird by his side.

“Bad Wolf? Torchwood? Mr Saxon? What’s all that about then?”
Most of my contemporaries watch brave, complex, challenging and impressive television series like Lost, The West Wing and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, yet I still can't get my head around the idea of season-long plot threads.

“They should make the seasons shorter so they've got enough money to make the show in HD.”
I've just bought an Hi Def telly and I want to boast about it. I feel a bit of a twit, actually, because nothing I want to watch is broadcast in HD yet.

“People who find fault with New Who are WRONG, not to mention STUPID!”
I become almost psychotic when confronted with people who don't think exactly the same as me because I'm always RIGHT. That’s why I spell out words in capital letters occasionally.

"I don't understand why everyone likes 'Blink' so much, it didn't do anything for me."
What the Hell that all THAT about? Bor-ring. Where was the Doctor? Or the Daleks? I didn't like it. Can I have an ice cream?

“The windows in the TARDIS are the wrong size. If they can't get something simple like that right, then what hope is there?”
I get worried about the little things in life. This is because I wish to avoid dealing with the important stuff. Please don't distract me from my obsessions - you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

“I love the new series, unlike all of those dreadful NA-loving naysayers.”
I have never read any of the Virgin or BBC Doctor Who novels of the 1990s. However, I once had a brief argument with someone who had which has lead me to the firm conclusion that everyone connected with both ranges and everyone who read them are militantly opposed to the new series. This, despite the fact that several of the authors and many of the readers of these books who post on this board are amongst the new series' most vocal and eloquent supporters, a number of authors work on the show itself and one of them is the Executive Producer.

“The next book they ought to adapt is The Eight Doctors.”
I am quite insane.

“They should get Adam Rickett in as the new Doctor or, failing that, his assistant.”
My name is Sparacus. You will remember it.

"If someone had told me, three years ago, that Doctor Who would be getting eight million viewers and would be the cornerstone of the BBCs Saturday night drama policy, I'd have laughed in their faces."
I was highly sceptical that a seemingly tired and jaded 1960s TV format could survive and flourish in the massively changed world of the 21st Century. I was hugely wrong and I am delighted to have been so. Parrrr-tae!

The New Series and Sex:

“Why do the Doctor's companions love him all a sudden? In the old series they never had any sign of romance.”
I've never watched a single episode featuring Jamie. Or Jo. Or Sarah. Or Romana. Or Grace. Etc...

“The Doctor shouldn't kiss people he meets on his travels. That's so passe.”
I've never told anyone this, but I'm a little uncomfortable with my body.

“Why does RTD have to put something camp in every episode?”
I am worried that people at work might think that because I am a Doctor Who fan, I am also gay. Which I’m not.

“RTD cannot write to save his life.”
I have never seen anything else that Russell Davies has ever written apart from Doctor Who. Didn’t he write something about poufs? I wouldn’t watch that. I’m not gay, I’m straight, me. Have I mentioned, recently, that I’m straight? Because, I am. Totally.

“RDT is DESTROYING the show with his GAY AGENDA and FORCED HUMOUR.”
I keep dreaming about bare-chested sailors rubbing baby oil on themselves and I'm really quite worried about it. Because I’m straight, do you hear? Straight! Completely straight!

"The reactions of those girls on the Whogasm video were embarrassingly over the top."
Girls never make those sorts of noises when I'm around. Why is that? And what's an "orgasm" anyway?

“I loathe all the 'Dancing' references in Stephen Moffett's scripts.”
I am 29 years old and still a virgin. Girls won't look at me and this makes me really unhappy. Sometimes I sit in the flat I share with my aged mother and cry myself to sleep. Oh why, oh why, oh why don't nice girls like me? Sure I've got acne and body odour and a very small penis but, it's the personality that counts, right? That’s what my mother always tells me. And I've got every single bit of Doctor Who merchandise ever released, that should be a conversation starter, shouldn't it? Oh, and I cannot spell Steven Moffat either.

“By making the Doctor explicitly heterosexual, Russell T Davies has taken away a role model for anyone who is uncertain about their sexuality.”
I find it utterly impossible to identify with someone who doesn't fancy exactly the same people I do. And I certainly don't see any inherent contradiction between this and simultaneously complaining about sex being too important in Doctor Who.

“RTD has completely emasculated Doctor Who. I hate the way he's made the Doctor go around falling in love and having sex.”
I'm either trying too hard to be knowingly clever or I genuinely don't know what the word “emasculate” means.

“Sex does not belong in Doctor Who. There should be no hanky panky in the TARDIS.”
I had a strict Catholic upbringing and, as a consequence, have an A level in Guilt. I did, however, enjoy that bit in 'Last of the Timelords' where Captain Jack was all chained up. Odd, that.

"What will the Doctor do with his hand?"
A serious question about future series continuity but I'm going to dress it up as a bit of good old fashioned sexual innuendo.

"Who do you think took the Master's ring?”
See above.

Jumping the Shark:

“The show has Jumped the Shark.”
I didn't like the latest episode. And, since everyone else on the Internet uses this dreadfully crass and loaded phrase – even though most of them don’t have the slightest idea of what it actually means - and it sounds SO cool, I want in.

“Has Doctor Who Jumped The Shark?“
I am either too lazy or too self-absorbed to have noticed all of the other threads with exactly the same title posted over the last three years when I ask this question. (See also RTD Must Go!)

Russell T Davies:

“RTD Must Go!”
I never said a bad thing about Jon Nathan-Turner. Honestly. No, really…

"What's with RTD and his Gay Agenda???!!!"
I resent the fact that Doctor Who is representative of the audience that watches it including all groups from today's society without the ignorant prejudices of my youth. Please return me to the 1970s where I was far happier watching It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, Danny LaRue and Larry Grayson.

"What's with RTD and the constant TOKENISM in Doctor Who? They should do some RESEARCH!!!"
I'm complaining chiefly about the fact that a black person was cast as an extra in scenes set in Elizabethan England or 18th Century France. This is clearly unrealistic because everyone knows that everyone in Europe at that time was Caucasian white. Obviously. Also obviously, I am claiming this without having carried out any research of my own into the subject. Research that would have proven me completely wrong. Please return me to the 1970s where I was far happier watching Love Thy Neighbour, Alf Garnett and Bernard Manning.

“RTD is only interested in a ceaseless quest for popularity and ratings.”
I would much prefer it if Doctor Who were made exclusively for an audience of one. Me.

“RTD shouldn't ignore the long term fans.”
I wasn't paying attention when UNIT, K9, Sarah, Gallifrey, The Time Lords, Axons, Sea Devils, Davros, the Cybermen, artron energy, isomorphic controls etc. were mentioned and/or seen.

“RTD doesn't understand Doctor Who.”
Russell T Davies has just contradicted my carefully worked out fan-fiction arc and I'm sulking about it.

“Actually, I am a writer, so I do have some professional insight into what RTD is doing wrong.”
I'm 34 and once had a poem published in my school magazine when I was 11. It's still in a frame on my wall.

“I can't wait until RTD steps down as show-runner.”
I am going to be painfully reminded of the old truism “be careful what you wish for, it might just come true” if we get saddled with Chris Chibnall in 2009.

“Davies is now so well-insulated in his own little Doctor Who bunker that he's no longer capable of seeing things from the audience's point of view.”
I'm conveniently forgetting that all major decisions that Russell makes will be taken in conjunction with Julie Gardner and Phil Collinson and will have the additional blessing of other executives within the BBC.

"A joke thread blaming all of the world's ills on RTD has got over 1,000 replies on Outpost Gallifrey."
None of us know what to do with ourselves on Saturday evenings anymore. Seriously, it's a big problem...

"Why does RTD use so much pop music in Doctor Who?"
I am a Young Person but I wish to look culturally superior to the rest of those plebs that I am unfortunate enough to go to school with.

“That was just lazy writing.”
RTD never replied to a single one of the numerous letters and script suggestions I sent to him, despite the fact that I wrote them in green ink, drew little Daleks in the margins and wrote "I Wuv You the Mostest, Baby" on the back of the envelopes before dousing them in Lynx "Forbidden Fruit" aftershave and personally delivering them to the BBC reception. Okay, yes, I was escorted off the premises the second time. And the third. And every time thereafter. And, yes, I do currently have a restraining order which forbids me to go within fifty yards of any Doctor Who-related personnel. But in no way can my regular offensive online comments about Russell's writing ability and sexuality be considered the jealous rantings of an infantile obsessive.

“I want Steven Moffat to take over.”
... So that I can find something new to complain about.

“RTD has raped my childhood.”
I started watching the Tom Baker episodes four years ago on UK Gold and don't think much of the new series.

Catherine Tate:

“Catherine Tate? I shall boycott Season Four.”
Catherine Tate? Excellent! I shall watch all of Season Four with preconceived ideas and then come onto Outpost Gallifrey each Saturday night during the Spring of 2008 and tell everybody who is interested - and anybody who isn't, for that matter - how much I disliked it. How it was "wretched", "childish", "embarrassing", "cringeworthy", full of RTD's "Gay Agenda" and how he and Catherine Tate have, personally, "raped my childhood". And then I’ll feel much better.

“I can’t even begin to describe how angry I am about the casting of Catherine Tate.”
I know that my country took part in what may well be considered an illegal war in Iraq, as a consequence of which people are still dying every hour; I know that we live daily with the terrifying threat of Intercontinental terrorism; I know that global warming poses a significant threat to all life on this planet; but what has really moved me to sign an Internet petition and vent my impotent fury, publicly, is “an actress getting a job.” I hate everyone in the entire world, including myself.

“When I first heard about the casting of Catherine Tate I was utterly horrified. On further reflection, however, I realised that it could actually be a good thing. Or possibly a bad thing. Or maybe something in between. However, I think the best thing for me to do is write out a 2,000 word list of all the Pros and Cons on the subject that I can think of so you can all see how balanced and fair I'm being.”
I am somewhat indecisive, positively love the sound of my own voice, and have Asperger's Syndrome.

“Jon Pertwee.”
An actor who - at the time he was cast in Doctor Who - was chiefly known for his comic characterisations with wide popular appeal. A masterstroke of casting which reinvigorated the show.

“Catherine Tate.”
An actress who - at the time she was cast in Doctor Who - was chiefly known for her comic characterisations with wide popular appeal. A mistake of quite apocalyptic proportions that will, I predict, kill off the show for good.

"Catherine Tate has neither the range nor the talent to contribute to Doctor Who."
The only things I have ever seen Catherine Tate in are 'The Runaway Bride' and a handful of sketches from The Catherine Tate Show. Which I didn't like.

"I am starting a petition to stop Catherine Tate becoming the new companion. We might have time to get enough signatures."
I have no earthly understanding of how TV production companies work and would possibly look touchingly naïve if what I was trying to do wasn't quite so self-centred, mean-spirited and downright malicious.

"The petition is going very well."
We've had about four hundred replies so far at least a quarter of which are from people, reasonably, pointing out that those who have signed up to this petition really need to have a good hard look at perspective and what's actually important in life. Signatories may also like to ponder on the question of why it is that they are the butt of jokes by others who will have every right to feel both morally and intellectually superior to them after this ill-conceived and pointless malarkey. For the three hundred or so posters who are - seemingly - SERIOUS, here are some tips: Firstly, if you expect to have things like petitions taken seriously then you need a hell of lot more signatures than you've currently got or, indeed, are likely to get. Secondly, you should also think about acquiring a cause that people actually give a bugger about because, to be honest, "an actress that I have problems with being hired to a TV show I like" genuinely isn't on most people's list of things worth the time and trouble of supporting. And, lastly, much better spelling than you've got would also help. We'd tell you all to "get a life" but, actually thinking about it, you've all got one. It's just a hollow and rather lonely and sad one. Do you think a pet would help?

Kylie Minogue:

“Kylie Bloody Minogue!”
Oh crap. They've cast a 21st Century icon in Doctor Who. They're gonna get ten million plus for the Christmas episode. Now, nobody will listen to me when I say it's rubbish. And I don’t like the fact that RTD has cast her in the first place because I am aggressively heterosexual. Na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na ... STOP IT!

Ratings/Audience Appreciation Index Figures:

“The ratings, audience share, AI figures, BAFTA awards and critical acclaim that the new series receives all suggest that you're wrong.”
Ha! Ha! Ha! I - and eight million other people - like new Doctor Who and you don't. For the first time in my entire life I'm in the majority and it's absolutely BRILLIANT. I can take the piss out of glakes like you and other people will queue up to support me without getting on my case. It's like all of my birthdays have come at once.

“We're all doomed! Aaaaaaaaaaarghhhh!!!!”
Yesterday was a bright sunny day in mid-June and a handful of people decided to record Doctor Who and watch it later instead of watching it live because they were having a barbecue in their garden and, as a consequence the ratings this week went down by a few.

“I was very disappointed this week's episode only got 6.8 million ratings and an audience share of 36.2%, a decrease of last week's figures.”
I have absolutely no idea how ratings or audience share actually works but didn't someone tell me that the Morecambe & Wise Show once got 27 million or something?

“I thik 7 millon is a very poor rating figwr (sp?) I dont get this exuse just coz the wethers gud ppl wont wacth it lol”
According to my user profile I am an 18 year old "student". However my spelling, punctuation and general lack of anything approaching common sense suggest that this is, in reality, a complete lie. Actually, I am either twelve and need a good slapping or sixteen and desperately need a boyfriend/girlfriend. I also, clearly, should be spending a lot less time posting on Outpost Gallifrey and a lot more time at my place of education.

“High ratings do not equal quality.”
I'm appalled that lots of people are suddenly watching and enjoying the programme. Doctor Who used to be a cornerstone of my cherished outsider persona which allowed me to feel smug and superior towards the proles. I can’t do that anymore and it rilly pisses me off.

“The AI figures and ratings mean nothing.”
I don't get it; how come some many people liked it so much?

“Awards mean nothing.”
I don't get it; how come so many professionals liked it so much?

“The AI figures don't prove that the episode was any good.”
I really wish I could say that "most people hated it" without being proved wrong by statistics. But, unfortunately, I can’t.

Science and Doctor Who:

"That’s just bad science.”
I am unable to suspend my disbelief long enough to enjoy fictional TV drama.

“I didn't like 'Last of the Time Lords' because the Doctor's supposed to be a scientist and shouldn't use magic or stuff that's not explained properly.”
I believe that all of the science in the Classic Series was 100% accurate. And, to prove it, I have constructed a working time-flow analogue out of wine corks and forks. And, I know it works because the Master's TARDIS has never dematerialised next to me.

“The first rule of science fiction is: You do not rewind time.”
Yes, I am *still* very bitter that no one has begged me to write for the new series.

“The science in the show should be more accurate. ‘The Impossible Planet’ proved that nobody on this show knows anything about black holes.”
I have a degree in astrophysics, which I like to boast about when I’m on the Internet, and I can drop words like "glonthometer", "floccinaucinihilipilification", "uncopywriteable" and "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" into the conversation. Yet people always shuffle away from me at parties for some strange reason that I haven't been able to fathom yet. I am clearly unaware that the entire premise of this programme that I've been watching since childhood is one that features a spaceship disguised as a 1950s police telephone box that is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside and can travel through time piloted by an alien who has two hearts and can change his physical appearance each time the actor playing him gets nervous about typecasting.

“I am fed up of things happening in Doctor Who without proper explanation.”
Technobabble always makes me feel much smarter.

Politics and Doctor Who:

“I am very uncomfortable with Doctor Who being used as a political soapbox.”
I vote Tory and step over beggars in the street.

“I'm really not sure I like the idea of a black companion. Not that I'm racist, of course. God, no - the first record I ever bought was a Bob Marley single.”
Bloody Nora, darkie postman, darkie centre forwards, darkie Doctor Who companions... where the Hell's it all gonna end? Mother, have you finished ironing my hood, yet? I'm supposed to be meeting the lads in half an hour for a lynching.

Torchwood:

“Torchwood is marvellous gritty drama.”
I'm sure that 'gritty' means *something*, so I'll just use it for any programme where the regulars wear black, swear casually and have lesbian sex.

“Torchwood was rubbish.”
I thought Torchwood was going to be like Doctor Who and have Daleks and Cybermen and Sarah Jane and K9 and The Doc and the TARDIS in it and keep me amused during the autumn while there was no Doctor Who on BBC1. Instead it was completely different and I feel totally let down. RTD Must Go!

Spoilers:

“I don't know how much faith to put in this, right, but a mate of mine who works at the BBC has just told me that...”
I am madly excited that I might have got the first news about a major (and, by that, I mean Brigadier-General) spoiler for the new season. But at the same time I am also shitting myself that my mate - who works in photocopying for BBC Radio Rutland - is simply pulling my tiddler and I’m going to end up looking like a proper Charlie. So, I'm totally hedging my bets here, all right?

"I've heard, unofficially, that RTD, David, Freeyma and Phil are all leaving at the end of Season Four."
I believe literally everything that I read in tabloid newspapers. Even the contradictory stuff.

Miscellaneous:

“I have just watched what can only be described as THE worst episode of Doctor Who that I have ever witnessed in all my life. How can this drivel be acceptable to anyone? Fellow fans, I urge you to join with me in a campaign to rid ourselves of this plague that calls itself RTD. I’ve started a petition…”
Damn, that reminds me, I should have picked up my repeat prescription this morning.

“The First Series Boxset was a clever and innovative packaging design that worked well at being eye-catching and selling the show to HMV-browsers.”
I bought the TARDIS boxset and I'm bitter about the slimline re-issue, but I'll be damned before I'll admit I was wrong.

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. Ralph Waldo Emerson.”
Someone has just noticed that a post of mine contradicted a post I made two weeks ago about never watching Catherine Tate or Torchwood again.

“Talent borrows, genius Steals. Oscar Wilde.”
I bought a Smiths single once and found this scratched into the inner groove. I've been waiting twenty two years to use it somewhere. No, I don't know what relevance it has to the matter in hand either.

"An Open Letter to..."
I am too cheap to buy a stamp and too full of a towering sense of my own importance to realise that nobody in the whole world wants to hear my pointless views. About anything.

"Doctor Who Confidential is too full of people being smug and self-satisfied about how great they are."
Doctor Who Confidential is full of people who are perfectly entitled to feel smug and self-satisfied about how great they are.

"Doctor Who Magazine is too positive about the new Doctor Who and too afraid to say anything negative."
For some strange reason I had the certain expectation that an officially licenced magazine would put the boot into the show that it covers. I was totally shocked and stunned when that didn't happen.

"It was in the Sun and the Sun has a pretty good record when it comes to Doctor Who exclusives."
I am conveniently forgetting all of the stories that they got completely wrong, and all of the other stories that they got partially right but mostly wrong. So, when exactly IS Zöe Lucker going to be appearing as the Rani, then?

“The CGI was poor.”
I watch far too many multi-million dollar Hollywood action films and my palate has become jaded.

“It’s disappointing that Television Without Pity aren't covering Doctor Who any more. I really looked forward to Jacob's recaps.”BUGGER! My dissertation on "Literary and Mythic Themes in Doctor Who" is only two-thirds finished and now I've got nothing to rip-off.

“The Doctor is a surrogate father-figure - not only for the companions but, also, the audience.”
I read Sylvia Plath for English A-level ... I never said I passed, mind.

“Adam will return as Davros - FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!”
Yes, I do still quote entire Monty Python sketches at student parties... how could you possibly know that?

“That bit was completely ripped-off from Star Wars.”
I believe that the world began in 1977.

“That bit was completely ripped-off from Buffy.”
It's a little known fact that Joss Whedon actually invented not only television, but also the Internet.

“I think James Marsters would be a brilliant choice for the next Doctor.”
I am twelve and have only ever seen one other television show in my life.

“I think Anthony Head would be a brilliant choice for the next Master.”
I have such a limited imagination that any time anybody starts a thread about future potential casting, I always mention the same four or five actors. Because I am completely unable to disassociate them from the roles that they previously played in TV series that I liked. See also "I think Alyson Hannigan would be a brilliant choice for the next companion."

“Doctor Who is totally phat, large, wicked and fly, innit guy?”
I'm clearly in the wrong forum, I was looking for http://www.whiteguyscantrap.com/

"I have the Loyhargil! Nothing in the world can stop me now!"
... Nope, sorry. No idea whatsoever. Wouldn't even like to hazard a guess.

“It is completely unrealistic to show so many mixed race couples in Doctor Who.”
... And, that’s a big shout out to all the other OG'ers in Alabama... Yee-haw.

“Unworthy of the diamond logo.”
I read The Discontinuity Guide and loved the way that Paul Cornell casually dropped Mark Gatiss's name in the introduction.

“That’s a Retcon.”
I own the Discontinuity Guide and About Time vols 1-5. I also watch the new series. I can't stand the confusion in my mind!

“That definitely wasn't a Retcon or a Continuity Error.”
I wrote the Discontinuity Guide, baby. I make the rules in this house!

“I think it’s totally brilliant that some of the writers post on here.”
Will you be my friend, Steven? Please? I'm your biggest fan...

“Hi, I’m Steven Moffat.”
I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT WORSHIP NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME!

"As someone mentioned, earlier on in this thread..."
This discussion has been going on for eleven bloody pages, all weekend, and I've read every single post. I've also got a post of my own on every page. I've wasted both Saturday and Sunday pressing F5 every half hour on an Internet forum. And, as the thread shows no sign of ending anytime soon, I'll probably be wasting every spare second next week at work doing the same (and hoping my boss doesn't catch me). And I'm in my forties. Pity me.

“The Wholly Unofficial Outpost Gallifrey Ratings, Audience Share, AI and “future of Doctor Who” FAQ.”
Why on earth do I bother every week? Nobody reads the sodding thing anyway and there will undoubtedly be at least three of these questions asked within the first five pages of the thread after which I will oh-so-bloody-politely refer the questioner back to this post, all the whilst picturing their despairing faces as I squeeze the worthless life from their pathetic little, acne-ridden, specky, anorak-wearing bodies. I never get a lie-in on a Sunday morning you know? I dunno here I am, brain the size of an Adidas Telstar and I’m stuck here with you lot answering the same inane question about whether 6.8 million is “any good or not” every week. I taught Paul Cornell everything he knows, me. And I was the first author who wasn’t Terrence Dicks named on the cover of a BBC Doctor Who novel. All right, it was a crap one, but still … Sorry, what was the question again?

"I'm so glad that you enjoyed my latest blog entry and that you wanted to put a link to it on your site. It's very flattering."
YOU LIKE ME?! YOU *REALLY*, *REALLY* LIKE ME?!!!

“This will completely ruin Season Four.”
I am Nostradamus. I predict that the 4:20 at Chepstow will be won by a horse.

“I'll bet this episode is going to be no good.”
I backed a horse at twenty-to-one. It came in at ten-to-four. Nah, lisshun...

“Celebrity fan.”
Some bolshy self-aggrandising ginger gobshite who had four thoroughly wretched novels published in the 1990s which were read by semi-literate glakes. And, who's spent the decade since making a career out of talking bollocks, loudly, about Doctor Who. See, also, Topping, Keith.

With many sincere thanks to:
Elephant (who started the whole thing off), Duckbutcher, The Other, IRS Walker, Paperback Writer, Lee Ratbag, Nick Barlow, Rich T, Northern Doctor, Duncan P, Gamma, Callufrac Clockmaker, Doc Filth, Paul Jennings, KrimsonGray, Coriander, Querulous Quirk, Crayola of Doodah, The Phantom Piper, The Revolutionist, Affirmation, Chronologix, Abslom Daak, The Molk, Dalek Warhol, Corek, Jon Blum, Laura Potter, L'Enfuntchi, Nastally, Captain J, Skywise, Jon 'Pick, Pick, Pick' Arnold, Debbie Williams, Rob Stickler, Graeme Raj Kaputni, wiccaman Imbolc Fire, Johnstone666, Starrfire, Rumleech, Easter Lily, James Lindsay, Miles Hamer and everyone else who contributed to the seminal Fan's Phrasebook thread. And an especially big shout-out to the divine Anna Pickard at the Gruniad for taking us to a wider audience. And, of course, finally, an extra-special thanks to our spiritual God, Sparacus. Without whom …