"Steven, You're Really Something"

It has, this blogger is forced to admit, been a long time since a From The North bloggerisationism update was titled with a quote from a song by top 1980s Scottish popstars, The Associates (2011 if anyone is in the business of fact-checking this claim for accuracy). However, this time it is a particularly necessary conceit due to certain news which was become public over the last few days.

Yes, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, after quite literally years of constant furious denials, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) - fiend of this blog and From The North favourite - is, indeed, to make 'an explosive' return to the new series of Doctor Who.

Steven is reported as writing an episode due to be broadcast in Ncuti Gatwa's forthcoming first series as The Doctor, which will simultaneously premiere across BBC iPlayer in the UK and Disney+, where available (and being shown on BBC1, obviously) in May. It will, almost certainly, be the third episode which is, as yet, untitled. 'Steven has been lauded for his work on Doctor Who, first writing on the show when Russell T Davies revived it in 2005,' noted the BBC's more-or-less accurate, if a shade over-written, press release. 'He then went on to succeed as Showrunner, leading the show during the Matt Smith and Peter Capaldi eras. Steven is known for penning some of the most praised episodes in the shows history as well as creating one of the most terrifying and iconic monsters, The Weeping Angels.' The statement also includes a typically amusing quote from The Lad himself: 'Yes, okay, fair enough - apologies to everyone I've very slightly misled - I am in fact writing an episode of the series of Doctor Who. Exactly like I said I never would. What can I tell you? There was begging, there was pleading but finally Russell agreed to let me have another go - so long as I got out of his garden.'

Outside of Doctor Who, Steven has 'been celebrated' for co-writing and co-creating the multi-award winning series Sherlock. And lots of other stuff which the BBC didn't feel it worth mentioning. Now he's back, returning alongside Big Rusty, 'as he writes a whole new adventure for the upcoming season debuting this May. Directing the thrilling adventure will be BAFTA, EMMY and Golden Globe nominee Julie-Anne Robinson, who also kicks off the season by directing the episode that succeeds The Church On Ruby Road that aired at Christmas. Julie-Anne has previously directed some blockbuster television series including Bridgerton, Orange Is The New Black and Scandal and is now jumping on-board the TARDIS to front two of the episodes.'

Of course, rumours that Steven would be returning - if only to write the odd episode - to the BBC's popular, long-running family SF drama which he graced for a decade have been rife (as rumours usually are) almost since the moment of his mate Big Rusty's return to the franchise was announed in 2021. And, such rumours picked up considerable steam when various comments on The Artist Formerly Known As Twitter (by no-one you've ever heard of, admittedly) were reported by the Radio Times (which used to be run by adults) as 'news' a couple of weeks ago. Although, typically, most of what was contained in the spectacularly speculative article has, subsequently, turned out to be of the 'almost-but-not-quite' variety of truth (Steven most definitely is not writing Doctor Who's '2024 Christmas episode', for example. A case of someone picking up the wrong end of the stick and then beating about the bush with it, seemingly). Nevertheless, even despite the highly improbable source of this 'news', this blogger did feel it necessary to post a link to the Radio Times piece along with the following thoughts to his dear Facebook fiends: 'That very loud galumphing noise you hear is yer actual [Keith Telly Topping] doing The Happy Dance just in case anyone was wondering. (I am fully aware this is, as yet, unconfirmed and that it is a report in the Radio Times - which used to be run by adults and, as a source of truthful and accurate reportage, is usually about as reliable as a condom with a hole in it; nevertheless, even the vaguest possibility that there is a one-in-a-hundred chance it might be true is still cause for considerable celebration at The Stately Telly Topping Manor.' The blogger then felt it wise to add: 'Of course, Steven being Steven, he will now come in here and deny it, strenuously. That's his way. Over to you, Steven.'

And, what do you know, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, Steven (because that is his way) only went and did just exactly that. 'Oh dear Lord! It's the Radio Times website reporting Twitter. Engage your skepticism [sic],' he wrote with the epic comedy times that one would expect from the man who once created Joking Apart and Coupling. This blogger replied that he already had fully engaged his scepticism - particularly given the source(s) of the report - but, that said, what a great pity it was, just on this one occasion, if Radio Times actually had got something right for a change. This blogger then thanked Steven for his public clarification of the situation. But, that wasn't the end of it. Oh, deary-me no, dear blog fiends. Shortly afterwards, this blogger received a private message from Steven, whom he's known, off-and-on, for thirty years saying 'Don't be cross [but] I'm lying. I have been for about two years. Apparently it's all coming out on Friday, so shh till then. Christ this has been work!' This blogger, of course, immediately agreed to keep his bloody big trap shut until such times as the news embargo was lifted and noted that, in any case, it had given him a good excuse to 'be sneering about Radio Times' in public. 'Which is never a chore.'

Friday came and went, as did Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Thus is was that, when the actual news of the actual return was actually announced (on Tuesday), this blogger was able to reply to his dear Facebook fiends who wanted to know if this blogger had, in fact, been in on the deception all along. He did so with a reply that stated, no, Keith Telly Topping only found out about it a matter of days earlier, in a private communication from Steven and that this blogger had been asked to 'stay schtum until it is officially announced,' with this blogger concluding, 'I simply cannot lie any longer!' More than one of this blogger's Facebook fiends congratulated this blogger on his ability to keep the secret, noting 'I would have wasted no time in telling people.' Keith Telly Topping confessed: 'If I'd done that Steven would [have] had to kill me. With his thumbs. And, I didn't particularly want him to need to do that so, you know, keeping well-schtum was, clearly, the lesser of two evils.'

Also, to those who had, jokingly (well, mostly jokingly), expressed mild outrage at the fact they had been 'lied' to by Steven for so long over this matter, this blogger added: 'Being "economical with the actualite" whilst keeping a State Secret so great that it could, effectively, end civilisation as we know it, is allowed under Article Forty Seven of The Shadow Proclamation, so [Steven is] in the clear, I reckon.' 'I hope so,' this blogger's lovely fiend Jan replied. 'I wouldn't want him being hauled off by The Judoon and thrown in Space Jail. Although that might give him time to write.' This blogger, of course, being the greatest criminal mind since Perry Mason (allegedly) would have no trouble in putting up a defence of 'temporary insanity, caused by having to listen to people whinging about stuff, generally (and Doctor Who in particular).' There's not a jury in the land that would convict him. This blogger rests his case, dear blog readers.

One aspect of the BBC's press release did, seemingly, rather vex Keith Telly Topping's fiend and fellow BBC books author Peter, who said: 'Note also that no one writes for TV any more, they are involved in penning things.' This blogger added: 'I presume that, having already used the word "writing" earlier in the same sentence, the author [of the piece] didn't want to do a double-dip and use "written" here. Admittedly "scripting" would've been slightly less teeth-grinding than "penning" but, since this is reporting some good news for a change, I propose we do not kill him but, instead, let him live this day. What do you say?' There was, happily, some general agreement to his (with one notable exception). 'Does young Moff use a pen or is he, in fact, keyboarding things?' this blogger's fiend Guy queried. 'Or perhaps he drafts the entire scenario in modern dance before committing the final version? It's so imprecise, this is how rumours start.' If Steven hasn't dictated them 'to a semi-naked Filipino secretary whilst using the medium of interpretive dance previously he's going to now,' this blogger speculated. 'This is what happens when you give The Lad notions.' Another close personal fiend, Daniel, suggested - semi-seriously, one suspects - that 'Writers "pen", directors "helm" and producers "assume the mantle". Those are the rules!' Not in The Stately Telly Topping Manor they aren't this blogger bellowed in reply.

So yes, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, From The North's beloved Doctor Who will return for its latest eight-episode series on 1 May. The new series will see The Doctor and Ruby travel to Regency England and Abbey Road studio to watch The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) record some tunes destined for the toppermost of the poppermost. 'Expect fun and camp in equal, multidimensional measure,' it says here. 'At last, it's my great delight to unleash a whole new season of The Doctor and Ruby's adventures together,' said Big Rusty. 'Monsters! Chases! Villains! Mysteries! And a terrifying secret that's been spanning time and space for decades. Don't miss a second!' No fan with half-a-brain between their ears has any intention of doing so, Russell, fear thee not. Outside of the UK, Doctor Who will begin streaming on Friday 10 May at 7.00pm ET. The first two episodes will be available on BBC iPlayer at Midnight on Saturday and then, as usual, broadcast on BBC1 the same day, just before The Eurovision Song Contest. Subsequent episodes will be available on BBC iPlayer weekly from Midnight Saturdays, before broadcasting on a primetime BBC1 slot later that day.

Of course, inevitably (and, as reported with great wailing and gnashing of teeth by some smear of no importance at the Radio Times - which used to be run by adults), 'many Whovians have expressed their disappointment. They argue that the choice was made for US-based audiences and it undeniably was.' Firstly someone, please, give this wipe, Melissa Parker, a jolly good talking-to about how only numbskulls, pricks and scum use the hateful 'W' word. No Doctor Who fan with an pounce of dignity or self-respect (two words, admittedly, not often used in connection with Doctor Who fans) would be seen dead using it in anything other than an ironic sense. Social media has been filled with complaints (so, what else is new?) and, reportedly, even American fans have argued the move is 'disrespectful' to UK viewers. Most of the complaints, interestingly, have come from people who a) don't seem to understand how international time-zones work, b) appear not to have realised that when something is released on BBC iPlayer at Midnight you don't, necessarily, have to watch it there and then; you can go to bed, wake up early then next morning and watch it then, instead, c) not to have realised that it's also going to be broadcast, later that day, on BBC1 as usual and d) it's the Twenty First Century, hardly anyone watches television 'live' these days. Jesus, dear blog reader, it's a truism but it's one that needs repeating time and again. Doctor Who fans really are unique. Give them a reason to celebrate and some of them will find an excuse to turn it into a reason to whinge.

And, on that bombshell, we return to When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Forty Six. 'Psst. Isn't that The Master?'

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Forty Seven. That ferret's only been and gone and run up Sylv's trouser leg again, one observes.

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Forty Eight. Hey, isn't that Keith Telly Topping's good fiend Clay Eichelberger and a couple of random blokes (one of them looking jolly pissed off to be there, frankly)?

Mind you, to be fair, it's hardly surprising Peter is looking the happier of the two. He is, after all, the only Doctor this blogger has actually slept with.

He was gentle and considerate, if you must know. Next ... When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Forty Nine. Oh, look, it's Huge. Presumably, because yer man Tennant is standing next to Huge.

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Fifty. Oh, you two - get a room, will you?

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Fifty One. 'If he dies, don't worry, I'm over here ...'

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Fifty Two. Dear God, he was so young. And, Tennant wasn't exactly middle-aged either.

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Fifty Three. 'How asonishing, that's Sylvester McCoy.' 'Grr ... it's Colin Baker, now I'm angry.' 'Suffering succotash, it's That There Peter Davison.' 'Err ... who let this bloke in?'

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Fifty Four. 'Excuse me, do you stock copies of the, err, Doctor Who Magazine here?" 'Wekll, you can fek right off, matey, this is a respectable establishment. If you're the sort that wants that kind of sick filth, try WH Smiths top shelf!'

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Fifty Five. 'How much did you get for Curse Of Fatal Death then?' 'A lot less than you, but I hadn't won the Oscar at that stage so Moffat got me on the cheap, idn't he? Still, it was for charrrridddeee.' 'Was it? I only did it cause I've always wanted to get that close to Julia Sawalha!'

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Fifty Six. 'How many Doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?' In the Daivson/Tennant household, two, seemingly.

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Fifty Seven. '... And then, some pillock said "it should be called Nurse Who now" and I was like "what, there aren't any female doctors now? What is this, the 1860s?"' 'Don't ask me, love, I'm impersonating a dead man!'

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Fifty Eight. Harder, Pat, harder!

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Fifty Nine. You have to be impressed that the costumes still fit. Well, almost. Very almost in a couple of cases.

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Sixty. Apparently, he only came back on condition that they used The Round Things.

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Sixty One. It's a disgrace! The TARDIS is now full of bras! I am outraged and shall complain to my MP. Or, to the lead singer of Echo & The Bunnymen ...

This blogger can, of course, take no credit for the particular observation - the legend in his own lunchtime that was Brian From London got there first.

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Sixty Two. To paraphrase Bob Mortimer's poetic description of the ageing process, memories of this are 'like fingerprints on an abandoned handrail.'

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Sixty Three. Not sure at all about the choice of costume, Jodie. You might want to think more along the lines of braces and half-mast flares - sort of a Seventies thing.

When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Sixty Four. Them, that moment when they discovered The Moff was back (they could've made the effort and smartened themselves up a bit, though).

To other news, now. And, how nice it is, dear blog readers, to see that Buckingham Palace have, finally and after much faffing about, agreed to release an undoctored family group photo. One wonders what on Earth it was that took them so long?

Meanwhile Spring, it would appear, has definitely, sprung. At The Stately Telly Topping Manor, if nowhere else.

And, this lot should keep The Stately Telly Topping Manor in Us Breakfasts, Us Dinners, Us Teas and Us Suppers for the next week or so.

There is, of course, nothing better on a Saturday afternoon than, ahem, 'exploring Uranus', this blogger has found.

The news that Voyager 1 has, reportedly, 'spluttered back to life' caused this blogger to ponder that he really doesn't know what all the fuss is about. It's only fifty years old - Keith Telly Topping has got a tape recorder which is older than that (as, indeed, is this blogger his very self). It - and, he, for that matter - both still work. Just about. Admittedly, neither of us have been flying through inter-stellar space all this time, but still ...

Congraulations are also due to the Olive Press for providing readers with not one but two thigh-slappingly amusing about the goings on within the Caotholic church, Holy Res-Erection Priest Is Arrested In Spain For 'Dealing Viagra Pills' and Unsisterly Act about nuns being swindled by fraudsters using AI tehcnology. On the same page of that particular edition.

Then, of course, there's this.

Moving on to From The North's Headline Of The Week award, kicking off with the Bournmouth Daily Echo's Westover Gallery Owner Fuming After Parking Ticket. Not just angry, dear blog readers, but 'fuming'. Well, you can't leave it there, mate.

The Bracknell News rewards careful readers with Huge Statue Heads Of Queen & Philip For Sale In Windsor. And, whyever not?

Doncaster Free Press finds it necessary to report Doncaster Shopper's Fury After Being Forced To Use Wrench To Open 'Impossible' Milk Carton. Well, at least they didn't need to resort to the hammer.

The Northern Echo, one imagines, had a lot of fun reporting Bishop Auckland Clairvoyant Finds Cockroach In Aldi Bananas. She didn't see that coming, did she?

According to Lytham St Annes News, 'Multiple Martin Kemp posters across our town have been targeted by yobs attaching "googly eyes" which is causing fury to locals. Lytham lookalike to Taylor Swift Serena - who is an avid music lover and huge Martin Kemp fan - said "This really isn't fair or funny. Martin Kemp is a huge heartthrob which everyone woman wants to see and every man wants to be, this is the act of a jealous man."' And, there's a picture to prove it. Sorry to disagree with Taylor Swfit-lookalike Serena, howver, but it is pretty funny.

If anyone fancies reading the finest bit of comedy writing-masquerading-as-a-local-newspaper-article, this work of twenty four carat genius by one Tim Butters is highly recommended by this blogger. For what it's worth, the Monmouthshire Beacon is an actual local paper and this didn't appear on 1 April. So, the only questions left to answer are, which are the funniest bits? A) 'Semi-professional long-distance runner Johnny Turnip believes he has found a portal to the hidden realms of the town and it happened by accident.' B) 'He explained, "We tried Big Tony's tactic of erecting this huge steel monolith-like structure on Hay Bluff to draw one in from the enchanted realms and trap it with a fishing net. Tony had spent a lot of time on top of Lord Hereford's Nob as a young man and said there's always been a lot of fairy activity in that neck of the woods."' Or, this blooger's own personal favourite, C) '"Ever since they cleared the slums, The Witch left Aber and has refused to return," said Turnip. "She said it's been overrun by beatniks and amateur chefs and not the town she once knew. She's lived in a caravan for years, giving Tarot card readings to finance her chocolate addiction and listening to Rick Astley records. They help with her gout apparently."' To be continued ... One can hardly wait and trusts that a movie version in currently in development, to be directed by Edgar Wright and starring Pegg and Frost. This blogger would definitely watch it.

And finally, dear blog reader, you dancin'? Keith from Saltdean is askin'? And he's not happy about it (a default position for most letter writers to the Daily Torygraph, admittedly).