'Nothing is forever. No regeneration, no life. Beware of the forces that mass against you. And their Master.' Two much-loved former Doctor Who companions will reappear in Jodie Whittaker's final adventure later this year. The characters of Tegan and Ace will join The Doctor and her current companions, Yaz and Dan, in the episode which is due to be broadcast this autumn. The news was revealed in a trailer which followed the show's Easter special, Legend Of The Sea Devils, on Sunday. Which this blogger thought was great. The forty five second trailer also revealed that the episode will feature The Doctor's arch-nemesis, The Master (Sacha Dhawan) and two of her most famous foes, The Daleks and The Cybermen. More familiar faces will also appear in the special: Vinder (Jacob Anderson) and Kate Stewart (Jemma Redgrave) will both return, having appeared in Doctor Who's last full series, Flux, in late 2021. Although he wasn't featured in the trailer, That There Bradley Walsh is also strongly rumoured to feature in the episode. Tegan Jovanka, an Australian air stewardess and 'mouth on legs', appeared on the BBC's popular, long-running family SF drama between 1981 and 1984 as a companion to Tom Baker and Peter Davison's Doctors. She is played by the Goddess that is Janet Fielding (you knew that, right?) who said: 'In some ways it was a very different experience to what it was like when I finished recording in 1983, but in many ways it was very similar. It was so lovely to be a working member of the Doctor Who family again.' Ace was The Doctor's baseball bat-wielding companion from 1987 to 1989 alongside Sylvester McCoy. Actress Sophie Aldred said: 'It's been quite a challenge to have such a big secret to keep, even from my family and I couldn't be more thrilled and excited to have been asked back. I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I adored being part of the TARDIS team again.' Outgoing showrunner Chris Chibnall recently told Radio Times that the forthcoming episode would include several 'treats' for fans, including 'Easter eggs and kisses to the past.'
Of course, not surprisingly since this is Doctor Who fandom we're talking about, there was absolute Hell-on shortly after this news was announced. From fans in various other parts of the world - mainly America - who hadn't seen Legend Of The Sea Devils or the 'Coming Soon' trailer but were still active on Facebook and Twitter. And who were, they claimed, pure-dead angry that their own viewing had been 'spoiled' by people - in the country in which the show is, actually, made - talking about the return of Tegan and Ace. After it has been announced by the BBC. This blogger had a feeling something like this was going to become an issue so he specifically asked those contributing to his own Facebook page in advance to be hyper-spoiler-aware. Something which was, of course, immediately ignored by one punter who posted a photo of the two actresses concerned. That went down spectacularly badly with at least one of this blogger's Facebook fiends who was mad-vexed by all this spoilerific malarkey. But, at the end of the day, this blogger's view is that the production have announced a casting decision - not a plot-spoiler - the 'news' of which appeared on the BBC News website (among many other media outlets) within minutes of the episode ending in the UK. The BBC being, just to repeat the bleeding obvious, the people who make the sodding show in the first place. Thus it was, frankly, a bit daft for anyone to expect fans in the UK not to wish to talk about it because others elsewhere in the world - again, most notably, though not exclusively, in America - may not, yet, have seen it. That's the modern world for you, kids - once something's out there, it's hard to keep pretty much anything a secret for long. You know, dear blog reader, it's funny, back in the 1980s Doctor Who fandom generally used to break its neck to find out any tiny scrap of info about forthcoming episodes; in this blogger own case, he well remembers getting photocopies of a few of the script pages from one of the Trial Of A Timelord episodes pre-broadcast and these became like catnip for every Doctor Who-loving fiend of this blogger who got to hear about him having them. Keith Telly Topping is not sure exactly when the whole 'no spoilers' thing started (2005, when Doctor Who returned to production, he's guessing) but it is a curious thing to those of us who aren't really bothered by knowing things in advance. Added to which, some of the aspects which are complained about by spoilerphobes, frankly, baffle this blogger - stuff from trailers, casting information, Keith Telly Topping has even seen complaints about the announcement of episode titles (if they include the word 'Daleks', for instance). As far as this blogger is concerned, if the BBC themselves have put something out then it's not a spoiler, it's 'advance publicity.' Perhaps, it's worth reflecting that a bit of common sense is in order from everyone when it comes to this particular subject. If you know something about a forthcoming Doctor Who episode that others may not, then possibly, you may want to think about being a bit euphemistic in what you're saying publicly about the subject or, clearly signposting that spoilers are ahoy and. if you don't wish to know the score, look away now. But, if you don't know, then it might be an idea to avoid Facebook (and, indeed, most other social media platforms) until you've seen the episode in question. That way, everybody wins.
Of course, this brings up the knotty question of what, exactly, constitutes 'a spoiler' and, at what point it ceases to be one. Extreme example, Agatha Christie published the novel Murder On The Orient Express in January 1934. The story had a very singular climax when revealing who, actually, done the said murdering on the titular train. Forty years after the novel was released, Sidney Lumet's star-studded, Oscar-winning movie adaptation came out. In subsequent years there have been at least two major TV adaptations - one in 2001, starring Alfred Molina, another in 2010 with David Suchet - plus, of course, Kenneth Brannagh's hugely successful 2017 movie remake. So, at what point, exactly, does it become not a spoiler to say, as this blogger is now going to, 'they all did it'?! As I say, that's an extreme example, but this blogger had heard seemingly sensible people getting all shirty and discombobulated when discovering 'spoilers' from source texts which are decades, sometimes even centuries old. So, if you want to whinge about something spoiler-related, dear blog reader, here's a selection for you: Hamlet and Macbeth both get killed; Ebenezer Scrooge finds redemption on Christmas Day; The Murder Of Roger Ackroyd features an unreliable narrator; in The Mousetrap the policeman did it; Norman Bates' murdered Marion Crane whilst dressed as his dead mother; The Watcher was The Doctor all the time; Tracey Bond gets killed on her wedding day; Malcolm Crowe was dead all along; the passengers of Oceanic Airlines Flight 815 are all dead and on their way to Heaven; Who shot Mister Burns? The baby done it. There, if you want to get annoyed at someone for revealing spoilers, dear blog reader, at least go for someone who does it deliberately and with malice aforethought.
According to the BBC's entertainment correspondent, yer actual Lizo Mzimba in that previously mentioned BBC News article, the actor or actress who will portray the next Doctor 'should' be revealed 'in a matter of weeks.' Which will, at least, put an end to the usual tiresome media speculation about the identity of the actor or actress who'll get the gig. This statement was released in reference to Jodie Whittaker's final adventure as The Doctor in the BBC's centenary special: 'Her replacement as The Doctor is expected to be revealed in the coming weeks,' it said. The upcoming announcement could indicate that principal photography of next year's Doctor Who sixtieth anniversary special and the series beyond, with returning showrunner Russell Davies, will commence soon(ish) at Wolf Studios in Wales. The new Doctor Who is reported to be 'due' to go into pre-production, this year. The title of the feature-length Doctor Who centenary special, in which Jodie's Doctor will regenerate, has not yet been revealed but it has been described as 'an epic, emotional and a visual effects spectacular celebration of the past, present and future of Doctor Who.'
The Radio Times's latest 'how can we write close to a thousand words which say absolutely nothing?' article, Molly Moss's Doctor Who's Thasmin Twist Just Fixed The Show's Biggest Problem appeared on Monday. As usual - and as with the regular outputs of Molly's RT colleagues, Huw Fullerton and Patrick Mulkern, whinged about often in the past by this blogger - it tries hard but, ultimately, it's not really cutting it. That's Radio Times for you, dear blog reader. As we've noted previously, it used to be written and edited by adults. These days, not so much.
It was genuinely fascinating to discover whilst watching the end credits of Legend Of The Sea Devils that, seemingly, someone in the BBC credits-writing department doesn't realise there are two 'l's in 'Malcolm'. Which is useful information.
Predictably, whilst this blogger - and many of his fine fiends - very much enjoyed the episode and thought it was great, some among The Usual Suspects have been out in force on an Interweb near you whinging loudly about, you know, stuff. Mostly Chibnall. And Jodie. And ... everything else they don't like. They're quite a sight to be honest, dear blog reader. And, of course, bigly wrong in their epic wrongness. Take it from this blogger, he's a very well-known author, journalist and broadcaster and he knows what he's talking about. It is alleged.
Doctor Who writer Pete McTighe has revealed that he was set to write an episode for series thirteen of the popular, long-running family SF drama before it was scrapped due to the Covid-19 pandemic - but he's saving the idea he had 'for the future.' McTighe - whose much-trailed new Sky drama The Rising debuts this week - had previously written episodes for both series eleven and twelve (the excellent Kerblam! and the reasonably-adequate Praxeus respectively). 'I was going to come and do series thirteen,' he told National World. 'I was doing The Pact at the same time - when COVID happened, we had to move our shooting dates for The Pact, which meant that I was kind of taken out for the production period of Doctor Who. We shot The Pact series one at the same time Doctor Who was shooting,' he added. 'We were shooting, actually, in quarries next door to each other at one stage. They were in a quarry shooting the Sontaran episode [War Of The Sontarans] and we were literally over the road in the woods shooting The Pact.' Asked whether he could reveal anything about what his episode may have included, he admitted that it didn't focus on any classic monsters but responded: 'I'll hold on to it, because Doctor Who ideas are never dead. Hopefully one day I'll get to use it.'
The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) has confirmed that his new HBO series, an adaptation of The Time Traveler's Wife [sic] will debut in the US on 15 May and, in Britain, one day later.
A former EastEnders actress who shouted 'black lives don't matter' - which, you know, they do, just in case there's any doubt about the matter - outside a fish and chip restaurant has been sentenced to a community order. Katie Jarvis, who played Hayley Slater on the BBC drama from 2018 to 2019, was arrested in Southend-on-Sea, Essex in July 2020. Basildon Crown Court heard the thirty-year-old 'got into a dispute' with a group of women and, later, spat towards a bouncer. Jarvis, of Rainham, admitted racially aggravated harassment and common assault on Tuesday. Patrick Harte, mitigating, claimed that Jarvis was 'sorry' and she 'maintains she didn't physically assault anyone that day.' He said she was 'sorry to the people who heard her use the awful language on that day and to Mister Groom the doorman, who was simply doing his job.' Harte said Jarvis 'drinks very rarely' and on the day in question 'had been in London - she had a number of successful interviews for films. She was celebrating,' he added.
Steve Coogan has said that a TV drama in which he plays Filthy Albino Kiddie-Fiddler Jimmy Savile is 'walking a tightrope' but will 'vindicate itself' when it reaches screens. Though, that isn't likely to stop the Daily Scum Mail from having a right whinge about it, especially as it's a BBC production. Coogan will be seen later this year as the late serial abuser in The Reckoning. 'People have a sort of revulsion about the idea of even making it,' the actor told Radio 5Live. 'But in actual fact, it's a mistake to think that the best way to deal with something is to not talk about it.' In The Reckoning, Coogan will transform into the disgraced and disgraceful Savile, who preyed on hundreds of people - mostly vulnerable young females - whilst he was one of the UK's most high-profile TV and radio personalities. And, a close personal fiend of several leading politicians. The BBC has said the mini-series will examine how Savile 'used his celebrity and powerful connections to conceal his wrongdoings and to hide in plain sight.' It will also 'examine the impact his appalling crimes had on his victims,' producers have claimed. Whether it will examine Savile's sickeningly disgusting friendship with former Prime Minister That Awful Thatcher Woman, we don't yet know.
People using self-driving cars will be allowed to watch television on built-in screens under proposed updates to the Highway Code. The changes will say drivers 'must be ready to take back control' of vehicles when prompted, the government said. The first use of self-driving technology is likely to be when travelling at slow speeds on motorways, such as in congested traffic. However, using mobile phones while driving will remain illegal even though watching telly isn't. No self-driving cars are currently allowed on UK roads, but the first vehicles capable of driving themselves could be ready for use later this year, the Department for Transport said. The planned changes to the code are expected to come in over the summer. The updates, proposed following public consultation, were described as 'an interim measure' to support the early adoption of the technology and a full regulatory framework is planned to be implemented by 2025. They will also lay out that users of self-driving cars will not be responsible for crashes. Instead insurance companies, not individuals, will be liable for claims 'in most circumstances,' the DfT said.
This blogger would like to wish all of From The North's dear blog readers a jolly happy Saint George's Day. And, an extremely happy Saint Ringo's Day too.
Twenty six years ago this very week, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping was stood about twenty rows from the front on the pitch at Maine Road when Oasis dropped an effin' atom bomb on the gaff. It remains, still to this day, one of the five or six best gigs that this blogger ever went to. 'Where were you while we were getting high?'
That same day, as it happens - Wednesday, 27 April - will also be the ninth anniversary of the death of this blogger's mother. The following day will be the thirty first anniversary of the death of this blogger's father. Obviously, as a consequence, around this time each year, this blogger tends to be somewhat consumed with memories of them both and the significant way in which they helped to shape the course of his life. So, this latest From The North bloggerisationisms update is for Tommy and Lily Topping. You did all right raising the child proper. And, you taught him to think for his very self. Something which this blog is, perhaps, the ultimate reflection thereof. Here endeth the mawkishness.
And now, dear blog reader, we turn to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's health (or lack of it) situation. To sum up for those who haven't been following the saga which seems to have been going on longer than Coronation Street: This blogger spent several weeks feeling proper poorly for reasons which no medical professional whom he consulted seemed able to discover; then, he got much worse and spent a week in hospital; he got discharged; he had some injections; he had even more injections; he recovered - somewhat - his missing-in-action appetite; he got an - at least partial - diagnosis of his issues; he had a meeting with his hospital consultant and he told anyone that was interested - and, indeed, anyone that wasn't - that he was still suffering from fatigue (among numerous other pre-existent symptoms). This week, this blogger had his latest endoscopy which occurred at the RVI on Tuesday. This one, at least, was a 'down the throat' gastroscopy as opposed to the 'up-the-Gary Glitter' malarkey which this blogger has, twice, previously had to grit his teeth and bear. This, at least, was a quicker and - marginally - less unpleasant procedure than having a not-as-small-as-you'd-think piece of plastic rammed, hard, up ones sphincter (though this blogger still wouldn't describe his most recent experience as comfortable or anything even remotely like it). This blogger was offered sedation by the hospital but that would've meant spending a night in the gaff and then finding someone to fetch Keith Telly Topping home again the following day. So, instead, he went for the alternative option, local throat anaesthetic spray. During the procedure, first they attached something to keep ones mouth open which, uncannily, resembled one of those ball-gags so popular in the BDSM community (or, ahem, so this blogger has heard). This blogger did note afterwards that there are places where you have to pay good money for that sort of thing.
The staff - Doctor Ana, Doctor Martin and, especially, Sister Allegra - were splendid and helped Keith Telly Topping through the more difficult bits of the procedure (the overwhelming urge to cough and splutter, mainly). Several gastric duodenal biopsies were taken during the procedure, the results of which this blogger will get sometime in the future but, the good news was that there were no obvious cancerous lesions or the like discovered. They did detect a 'small' hiatus hernia at the top of this blogger's stomach, for which they will be recommending to Keith Telly Topping's GP some tablets (a hiatus hernia is not curable, per se, but it is treatable - as this blogger is well aware since his late father had one). After it was all over, Keith Telly Topping then had to wait for an hour before he could a) speak properly and b) eat or drink whilst the anaesthetic wore off. So, not the best of times this blogger has ever had dear blog reader but, at the same time, hardly the worst. Somewhere in-between.
The previous day, this blogger was forced to make a, necessary, Bank Holiday Monday trip to Morrisons and ALDI for some vital supplies. It was utterly exhausting (as usual) and left this blogger feeling well-knackered, totally pure-dead shagged-out and in serious need of an afternoon lie-down. Mind you, it did have one, small - and really deserved - compensation ...
Have you ever have one of those days, dear blog reader? You know, those days. Days where life appears to be screaming at you, even by 8.30am, 'you know you shouldn't have got out of bed, today, right'?
On Wednesday morning, yer actual Keith Telly Topping managed to spill virtually an entire box of Harvest Moon Honey Hoops®™ ('breakfast with added buzzzzzzz') all over The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House kitchen floor. Though, this blogger did manage a salvage enough for us brecky at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House so it wasn't a complete disaster, just a partial one. Nevertheless, this blogger felt like, if you will, a cereal killer. Oh, suit yourselves. Once he'd finished breakfast, the vacuum cleaner was giving this blogger a - wholly anthropomorphised - look which suggested 'you're taking the piss if you think I'm cleaning all that up ...'
For us dinner at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House later that self-same day, was home-made chorizo and salt beef curry with chestnut mushrooms, spring onions, basmati rice, black pepper and fresh garlic bread. And a nice bottle of raspberry pop to wash it all down. Then, because cooking is exhausting, this blogger needed forty winks on the sofa.
The US space agency NASA should prioritise a mission to Uranus, an influential panel of scientists says. And those guys know what they're talking about because they're, you know, 'influential.' The ice giant is the seventh planet in our Solar System - you knew that, right? - orbiting the Sun nineteen times more distantly than the Earth. It has only been visited once previously, in a brief flyby by the Voyager 2 probe in 1986. Researchers think an in-depth study of Uranus can help them better understand the many similarly sized objects now being discovered around other stars. The recommendation is made in a document published by the US National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine. Known as a 'decadal survey', it is the summation of what the American research community thinks are the big planetary science questions at this time and the space missions required to answer them. NASA has, broadly, followed the recommendations of previous National Academies reports. The last planetary decadal survey, published in 2011, had as its two top priorities a rock-collection mission to Mars, which became The Perseverance Rover, now on the surface of the Red Planet and a mission to Jupiter and its moon Europa, which is currently being prepared for launch in 2024, The Europa Clipper. Specialists who study the outer planets in our Solar System have been campaigning for a return visit to either Uranus or Neptune ever since their Voyager encounters. And the science case has only strengthened over the intervening years, proponents argue. The size-range of planets now being discovered around other stars seem to dominate in a range that's about three and four times the width of the Earth. Similar, in fact, to Uranus and Neptune. 'And that actually poses a problem for planet formation theories,' explained Professor Leigh Fletcher, who contributed to the report. 'We think we understand how something gets as big as Jupiter and we think we understand how something gets to be the size of Earth and Venus. But in the middle, in that kind of sweet spot between those end-members - we don't fully understand how a world can start to grow and grow and not just carry on to become Jupiter-mass in size. A mission to Uranus could help us answer that,' the Leicester University scientist told the BBC News website. There are favourable launch opportunities in 2031 and 2032 which would allow a spacecraft to use a gravity slingshot around Jupiter to shorten the cruise time to Uranus to a mere thirteen years. The spacecraft would go into orbit around the planet, which would preclude any observations at the more-distant Neptune. Uranus is considered an oddity compared with the other planets in the Solar System in that its axis of rotation is almost parallel with the plane of its orbit around The Sun. It's as if it has been knocked onto its side, which may well be the explanation - scientists speculate that it suffered a massive impact with another body early in its history. Uranus also has rings and plenty of moons (twenty seven at the last count). Indeed, the moons - Miranda, Ariel, Umbriel, Titania, Oberon, Cordelia et al - are quite a draw because a good many of them are likely to be ocean worlds. 'This is the idea that you've got an icy crust and then you've got some kind of liquid briny ocean down at depth that may or may not be in contact with whatever silicate rocky material is down at the bottom,' said Professor Fletcher. 'Well, all of the big five classical satellites of Uranus are thought of as being ocean world candidates. These moons could have cryo-volcanic (ice volcano) activity taking place on them.' European-based planetary researchers, like Professor Fletcher, will be hoping the European Space Agency can contribute to such a mission. NASA and ESA are frequent partners, such as on the Cassini-Huygens mission to Saturn (2004 to 2017), but their priorities and funding cycles do not always coincide. Also keen on a return mission to Uranus will, seemingly, be at least one caption-writer working for Good Day Los Angeles so that he and/or she can get creatively saucy in their work all over again.
'Even if the aliens are short, dour and sexually obsessed,' the late cosmologist Carl Sagan once mused, 'if they're here, I want to know about them.' Driven by the same mindset, a NASA-led team of international scientists has developed a new message which it proposes to beam across the galaxy in the hope of making first contact with intelligent extraterrestrials. The interstellar message, known as The Beacon In The Galaxy, opens with simple principles for communication, some basic concepts in maths and physics, the constituents of DNA and closes with information about humans, the Earth and a return address should any distant recipients be minded to reply. No Chuck Berry this time, however which will, presumably, be a huge disappointment to the aliens themselves. The group of researchers, headed by Doctor Jonathan Jiang at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, says that with technical upgrades the binary message could be broadcast into the heart of The Milky Way by the Seti Institute's Allen Telescope Array in California and the five hundred-metre Aperture Spherical Radio Telescope in China. In a preliminary paper, which has not yet been peer reviewed, the scientists recommend sending the message to a dense ring of stars near the centre of The Milky Way - a region deemed 'most promising for life' to have emerged. 'Humanity has, we contend, a compelling story to share and the desire to know of others - and now has the means to do so,' the scientists write. The message, if it ever leaves Earth, would not be the first, of course. The Beacon In The Galaxy is loosely based on the Arecibo message sent in 1974 from an observatory of the same name in Puerto Rico. That targeted a cluster of stars about twenty five thousand light years away, so it will not arrive at its intended destination any time soon. Since then, a host of messages have been beamed into the heavens including an advert for Doritos and an invitation, written in Klingon, to a Klingon Opera in The Hague. Such attempts at interstellar communication are not straightforward. The odds of an intelligent civilisation intercepting a message may be extremely low and even if contact were made, establishing a fruitful conversation could prove frustrating when a response can take tens of thousands of years to arrive back here. Aliens may not even understand the signal: as a test run for the Arecibo message, Frank Drake, its designer, posted the message to some scientific colleagues, including a number of Nobel laureates. None of them understood it. There are other concerns, too. More than a decade ago, Professor Stephen Hawking warned that humans should refrain from sending messages into space in case they attracted the wrong sort of attention. 'If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn't turn out well for the Native Americans,' he told a Discovery channel documentary. And, he was a very smart man. But Doctor Jiang and his colleagues argue that an alien species capable of communication across the cosmos may well have learned the value of peace and collaboration and humanity could have much to learn from them. 'We believe the advancements of science that can be achieved in pursuit of this task, if communication were to be established, would vastly outweigh the concerns,' they write. They blogger's only comment to Doctor Jiang is, if The Daleks turn up, don't say you weren't warned!
The DVD release of The Be-Atles' (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) Get Back documentary - directed by Peter Jackson - has been delayed. Retailers received the following notification earlier this week: 'We have just been informed by Disney that the ... title has been delayed indefinitely, due to authoring challenges.' What these 'authoring challenges' are and whether they came from Sir Paul, Sir Ringo, Yoko or Olivia is not, at this time, known. But, we can probably guess.
Who had the finest trousers in the history of rock and/or roll, dear blog reader? Well, it had to be The Velvet Underground, didn't it? This blogger reckons that the late, great Sterling Morrison's ginger Dan Dares just about beat the late, great Lou Reed's deep blue crushed-velvet strides in the inherent coolness stakes. Bonus points, too, for Moe Tucker's tight-fitting beige units. Doug Yule? Well, the belt's quite nice. As are, clearly, his shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather ...
Miguel Almirón scored his first club goal since February 2021 as this blogger's beloved (and, now, thankfully sold) Newcastle United beat Crystal Palace to record a sixth consecutive win at St James' Park and move to forty points in the Premier League. Almirón finished magnificently from Bruno Guimarães' volleyed pass to lift Eddie Howe's Black & White Army to eleventh in the table and all but guarantee The Magpies' place in the top flight for next season. Guimarães and Allan Saint-Maximin tested Vicente Guaita in a one-sided first-half, while the impressive Joelinton sent a header looping over the crossbar not long after the interval. Palace emerged for the second-half with greater urgency and very nearly equalised when Wilfried Zaha dragged Odsonne Edouard's pass narrowly wide of Martin Dubravka's right-hand post. Zaha also sent a curling effort inches over the crossbar in the final minute of stoppage time. Patrick Vieira's side dropped to fourteenth after suffering back-to-back league defeats for the first time since the turn of the year. The last time Newcastle registered six straight top-flight victories at home was during the 2003-04 campaign - the late Sir Bobby Robson's final season in charge of the club. 'It's a great night for the football club,' Howe told Sky Sports afterwards. 'You can forget how hard it's been to get us into this position now. We have to look back with great satisfaction. You can very quickly forget where we were and where we've come from this season. It's been great to see the team move forward and develop.' Considering the position Newcastle were in when Howe took over from Mister Brucie (nasty to see him, to see him, nasty) in November - nineteenth in the table and five points from safety - reaching forty points with five games to spare must go down as a magnificent achievement. Many whingers will point to The Magpies' January outlay of more than ninety million knicker as the chief reason behind their march up the table, but that is a crass oversimplification. Howe has had to make do without England full-back Kieran Trippier - whom the Newcastle boss described as 'inspirational' following an impressive start to life on Tyneside - and last season's top scorer Callum Wilson through injury, while the talismanic Saint-Maximin has been frustratingly inconsistent since returning to fitness in March. Others have stepped into the breach, of course - chief among them former Lyon midfielder Guimarães, who was heavily involved in the game's only goal. The Brazilian's looping ball over the Palace defence was collected in his stride by Almirón, who darted into the penalty area from the right before directing a sublime finish into the top corner - his first Newcastle goal since scoring twice in a 3three-two win over Southampton more than fourteen months ago. It was a richly deserved opener for the home side, who dominated midfield in the first-half in particular and restricted Palace to just one tame Edouard effort before the interval. Palace improved after half-time and pinned the home side back in the closing stages, but other than Zaha's two efforts off target they rarely looked like leaving St James' Park with a share of the spoils.
Now extremely former President Mister Rump's former personal lawyer, ex-mayor of New York and certified twenty four carat loon Rudy Giuliani has been unmasked as a contestant on the American version of the TV show The Masked Singer. That performance led one of the show's judges, comedian Ken Jeong, to walk off, saying: 'I'm done.' Giuliani, one of Rump's key allies when - falsely - claiming erection fraud in 2020, was identified as the personality inside the Jack in the Box costume. After being unmasked, he then sang the George Thorogood song 'Bad To The Bone'. Seemingly, no one considered having him sing The Clash's 'Rudie Can't Fail'. An opportunity missed, dare one suggest. He is a controversial figure for his role in promoting the - baseless - claim that Rump really won the 2020 US presidential erection. Which, just in case you're wondering, he didn't. Not even close. Last June, Giuliani had his law licence extremely suspended in New York for making 'demonstrably false and misleading' claims about the erection. He also spoke at the rally before the storming of the Capitol in Washington in January 2021, encouraging protesters to 'have trial by combat.' US entertainment magazine Variety said his casting was the FOX show's 'worst decision yet.' Columnist Daniel D'Addario wrote: 'Treating Giuliani as a plaything for our culture, albeit one who has made some controversial choices, is not a matter of policy disagreement, or of being a bit too grave about the lighter side of the news. Fox gave time and attention to a powerful figure who would have, if given his way, put the last nail in the coffin of democracy in this country.' Asked why he agreed to appear, Giuliani told host Nick Cannon: 'I guess the main reason is I just had a granddaughter, Grace and I want her to know that you should try everything, even things that are completely unlike you and unlikely. I couldn't think of anything more unlike me and unlikely than this. I enjoy the show and I have for years and it just seemed like it would be fun, and I don't get to have a lot of fun.' He's not the first political figure to appear on the programme. Former failed vice-presidential candidate - and another certified twenty four carat loon - Sarah Palin appeared as Bear in 2020.
Meanwhile, now extremely former President Mister Rump has claimed he did not 'storm out' of an interview with Oily Twat Piers Morgan, instead claiming that the vile and odious presenter 'misleadingly' edited a video of their meeting to 'create a buzz' around Morgan's ghastly new show. A short clip released on Wednesday to promote talkTV, the new billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch-owned TV station, gave the impression that the now extremely former US president walked out of an interview with Morgan in anger at the tough line of questioning. The Murdoch-owned Sun and New York Post tabloids ran front-page news stories on the supposed 'bust-up' as part of a carefully planned global marketing strategy for Morgan's new show, which launches on Monday.
A major Conservative Party donor was listed as a director of a company secretly owned by a Russian oligarch close to Vladimir Putin (and his really small penis). The BBC has seen a document - dated 2006 - and signed Lubov Golubeva, the maiden name of Lubov Chernukhin, a Tory donor. Chernukhin says that she 'does not recall consenting in writing' to being a director of Suleiman Kerimov's firm. Kerimov, now sanctioned, previously denied any connection with Mrs Chernukhin. Papers seen by the BBC appear to show that Chernukhin, then Lubov Golubeva, was appointed as a director of offshore company Radlett Estates Limited, in 2005 - following its acquisition of a substantial property in Radlett Place, North London. Another firm - Swiru Holding AG - was, the BBC allege, the sole shareholder of Radlett Estates. The directors of Radlett Estates were Swiss businessman Alexander Studhalter and Suleiman Kerimov's nephew, Nariman Gadzhiev. Studhalter was accused in a French court of being a so-called 'straw man', or proxy, for Kerimov - involved in hiding the oligarch's wealth. Radlett Estates had planned to demolish the building and construct a new home on the site. According to architects' plans, there was to be a cinema, a health spa and gym, indoor swimming pool, a map room, six bedrooms and a 'six-car motorised garage and large staff quarters.' Kerimov and his wife were not listed as directors of Radlett Estates and their names were not on the planning documents. But one designer's website identified the clients as 'Mister and Mrs K.' In 2007, Golubeva married Vladimir Chernukhin - a multimillionaire businessman who had served under Vlad The Small as a junior minister, but later fled Russia. The same year, she started giving money to the Conservative Party - initially in five thousand knicker donations under her maiden name. As time went on, the donations - in her married name - became much, much bigger. She would end up becoming one of the Tory party's most influential donors - having given more than two million quid. The discovery of the evidence suggesting a business connection between Mrs Chernukhin and Kerimov follows questions in Parliament about her and her links to Russia. This was despite Mrs Chernukhin's condemnation of 'Russian military aggression in Ukraine' where she called for 'the strongest possible sanctions against Putin's regime and its enablers.' Earlier this month, the BBC - as part of The Pandora Papers Russia Project with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists and global partners - revealed how Suleiman Kerimov has been hiding his wealth. Vladimir Chernukhin was in the Russian government between 2000 and 2002. He was then appointed chairman of a state bank by Putin, but left Russia in 2004. However, in a 2018 court case, his wife claimed that Chernukhin had maintained 'excellent' relationships with 'prominent members of the Russian establishment.' Chernukhin said that he arrived in the UK with a fortune of two hundred and thirty million smackers and started building 'a real estate empire.' Both he and his wife are now UK citizens - which means she is entitled to donate to a political party. In February, she was reported to be a member of a small 'advisory board' of major donors with access to senior party members, including the Prime Minister.
CNN's new owner says it will close the US-based news channel's streaming service just a month after it launched. Warner Bros Discovery says it will issue refunds to subscribers after the service is shut down on 30 April. The head of CNN+ has extremely resigned and hundreds more workers could be at risk of losing their jobs. This week, fifty billion bucks was wiped off the stock market value of streaming giant Netflix after it revealed a sharp fall in subscribers. CNN+ was launched on 29 March in an attempt to bring in revenues from news streaming subscriptions. The company spent as much as three hundred million dollars on developing the service but it got off to a slow start, attracting just ten thousand viewers per day, according to reports. Earlier this month, WBD became CNN's parent company with the completion of the merger of media company Discovery and telecom giant AT&T. Chris Licht, the incoming chief executive of CNN, said the business 'will be strongest as part of WBD's streaming strategy which envisions news as an important part of a compelling broader offering along with sports, entertainment, and nonfiction content. We have therefore made the decision to cease operations of CNN+,' Licht said in a statement. Discovery's streaming boss JB Perrette said the firm was searching for a 'more sustainable business model to drive our future investments in great journalism and storytelling.' As part of the shake-up, Andrew Morse, who helped to drive CNN's streaming strategy, will leave the company. Forthwith if not sooner. Hundreds of CNN+ employees have also been given ninety days to secure a job in other parts of the company, CNN reported. Those who fail to do so will receive a severance package of at least six months pay, it said. It comes after streaming giant Netflix reported a plunge in subscribers in the first three months of the year. On Tuesday, Netflix said that the number of households using its streaming service fell by two hundred thousand as it faced 'stiff competition' from rivals. The platform also warned shareholders another two million subscribers were likely to leave in the three months to July. After the announcement, the company's New York-listed shares slumped by more than a third, wiping fifty billion notes off its stock market valuation.
Sir David Attenborough has been named 'Champion Of The Earth' by the UN's Environment Programme. The previous holder of the title - Doctor John Smith of Totters Lane, Shoreditch - was said to be 'shocked and stunned' by this malarkey and demanded a recount.
The Large Hardon Colluder (or, 'The Black Hole Machine' according to Mad Frankie Boyle) has been switched on again after a period of inactivity for repairs. Caused by someone reversing the polarity of the neutron flow. Or something. So, dear blog reader, if you - or anyone you know - disappears into The Gaping Jaws of Infinity any time soon, you know the probable source.
Anglo-Saxon kings were 'mostly vegetarian' before the Vikings settled, according to new studies. How can anyone be 'mostly vegetarian'? You either are, or you aren't, there's very little middle ground. Cambridge University researchers analysed more than two thousand skeletons and found elites ate no more meat than other social groups. One study also suggested peasants occasionally hosted lavish meat feasts for their rulers. Researchers said the findings overturned major assumptions about early medieval English history. Cambridge University bioarchaeologist Sam Leggett drew her conclusions after analysing chemical signatures of diets preserved in the bones of two thousand and twenty three people buried in England from the fifth to eleventh Centuries. She then cross-referenced these with evidence for social status such as grave goods, body position and grave orientation and found no correlation between social status and high protein diets. The findings surprised Cambridge University historian Tom Lambert, because so many medieval texts and historical studies suggested that Anglo-Saxon elites did eat large quantities of meat. The pair worked together to decipher royal food lists and discovered similar patterns of servings - like a modest amount of bread, a huge amount of meat, a decent but not excessive quantity of ale and no mention of vegetables, although some probably were served. Lambert said: 'The scale and proportions of these food lists strongly suggests that they were provisions for occasional grand feasts, and not general food supplies sustaining royal households on a daily basis.'
A man has been fined after being filmed kicking a hedgehog several times. Footage of David Herring, of Sudbury, in Suffolk, kicking the poor animal several times in November last year, was sent to the RSPCA. They said the hedgehog was kicked with 'considerable force,' causing 'pain and fear,' with Herring showing a 'clear disregard for a wild animal.' At Colchester Magistrates' Court he admitted causing unnecessary suffering and was fined two hundred and seventy seven notes. Herring was also ordered to pay three hundred quid costs and a thirty four knicker victim surcharge. Although how much of that will actually find its was to the victim in this particular case is, legitimately, questionable. Images caught on camera showed him moving the hedgehog from a doorway and kicking it several times out of a driveway of a property in Sudbury. In mitigation, the court heard Herring was of previous good character, that he had had a heart attack within the last year and had been 'under stress.' His legal team also claimed, somewhat implausibly, that Herring had 'initially believed' the hedgehog was a rat.
Rebekah Vardy attempted to sell a story about the arrest of the footballer Danny Drinkwater to the Sun newspaper – only to be turned down because the tabloid had already been leaked the story by an individual at the police station, the high court has heard. The claim emerged as part of Vardy's ongoing 'Wagatha Christie' libel battle against fellow footballer's wife Coleen Rooney, who publicly accused Vardy of leaking her private information to the tabloid. Drinkwater, a former teammate of Vardy's husband, Jamie, at Leicester City, was arrested for drink-driving after crashing his Range Rover in early 2019. Before the incident became public, Mrs Vardy was already sending WhatsApp messages to her agent, Caroline Watt, to tell her what had happened and suggest they sell the story. Vardy told her agent: 'Story. Danny Drinkwater arrested [...] Crashed his car drunk with two girls in it, both in hospital one with broken ribs.' After clarifying a few details about the car and the location, Vardy added: 'I want paying for this.' Within two minutes, Watt said that she had sent the story to Sun journalist Andy Halls, whom she said 'replied immediately' that the tabloid already knew because 'someone leaked it from police station.' Drinkwater was later banned from driving for almost two years. The disclosure is the latest in a series of messages that have been made public as part of the ongoing legal case, which is due to go to a week-long trial at the start of May. Rooney, the wife of former England footballer Wayne Rooney (now manager of recently relegated Derby County), argues that Vardy 'systematically' leaked information to the Sun and had 'extensive contact' with its scum journalists. The libel case will hinge on whether Rooney can prove that it was Vardy who was, personally, responsible for leaking any stories from her private Instagram page to the Sun. In a ruling on Thursday, Mrs Justice Steyn handed a partial victory to Vardy's legal team, ordering the removal of certain elements of Rooney's evidence. Among the claims deleted from Rooney's witness statement was a section which alleged Vardy 'was also actively participating in leaking private information about other individuals to the Sun.' The judge also turned down a request by Rooney's lawyers to search the phones of a number of Sun journalists for potential communications with Vardy and Watt. She branded this 'a fishing expedition' but made an exception for details of messages with Halls, who was involved in some of the disputed stories. The court heard that in 2019 Halls declared that Vardy 'has never provided any story or information to me.' 'WhatsApp messages disclosed as part of the legal filings suggest Vardy and Watt regularly discussed journalists at the Sun,' according to some Middle Class hippy Communist vegan quiche eater at the Gruniad Morning Star. At one point Vardy says she is 'concerned' that Rooney has blocked her on Instagram after stories appeared in the media. In response, the agent says 'I wouldn't tell anyone but the Sun' and Rooney can't 'fucking prove anything though and if she wants to think that then fuck her.' Watt said she had been in touch with Halls about the incident: 'I messaged him and he said absolutely not and he never would say what his source was.' In November 2018 Watt also told Vardy to 'look out' for Sun z-list celebrity journalist, Amy Brookbanks, at an event and 'make a point of saying hello' because the reporter 'always writes nice stories, does whatever I ask her and gets stories changed that she hasn't even written.' Vardy no longer intends to call Watt as a witness at the trial, claiming that the agent is 'suffering from ill health.' Despite this, Watt has still received substantial attention after it was disclosed in a pre-trial hearing that she 'accidentally' dropped her phone in the North Sea after a request was made to search it. Vardy has also, she claims, 'struggled' to access her own WhatsApp messages after her IT expert 'lost the password' to her back-up files. And, all of this complete and utter bollocks constitutes 'news', apparently. Does anyone else hate The Modern World and every single, sodding, worthless aspect of it? Just this blogger, then?
A woman who got stuck vertically upside down behind a sofa in a Tyneside restaurant has been telling Tyne Tees News how her brunch 'took an unexpected turn.' Lindsay Clark was celebrating her friend Julie Jackson's birthday at the Twelve Twenty Five Restaurant on North Shields Fish Quay when she got wedged upside down. At the time she was attempting to retrieve a jacket which had fallen down the back of a sofa when she 'lost her footing' and ended up head-first behind the furniture for about ten minutes. During that time two employees of the restaurant attempted to free Lindsay by tugging on each leg. But, they failed. Lindsay said 'I knew they were all videoing us, but it was when I was wedged in I was like, "What the hell's going on?" Then when they mentioned the fire brigade, that's when I was panicking, like "God this is going to be so embarrassing."' She continued: 'Thank God for the jumpsuit. I possibly wouldn't have jumped over if I had a dress on. I just didn't think! I tried to grab [the jacket] and it slipped out my hand and obviously I couldn't stop myself, but once I been stuck in it I've obviously tensed myself up and that's obviously how I've wedged myself.' Despite going viral, Lindsay says she is not too embarrassed to go back to Twelve Twenty Five. Only in North Shields, dear blog reader.
The winner of the latest From The North Headline Of The Week award goes to Sussex World for Reader Letter: Chichester Has Enough Pizza Restaurants.
And now, dear blog reader, 'things that make you go ... sorry? Could you run that one by me again?' Number one.
Followed, inevitably, by yet another new semi-regular From The North featurette, 'The Hottest Thing On Two Wheels.' Number one: Teri Garr on a Raleigh Chopper.
Number two: Angie Dickenson on a Piaggio Vespa. Nice rear-end.
Finally, dear blog reader, one has to wonder if these two cheeky young scamps who used bob-a-job week in 1972 as an excuse to look up Caroline Munro's mini-skirt are regular viewers of The Cellar Club in 2022. One sincerely hopes so - especially as Talking Pictures had both And Soon, The Darkness and Cry Of The Banshee on this week.
