In anticipation of the forthcoming final two episodes of Jodie Whittaker's Doctor Who era, a fan-made trailer, Goodbye Thirteen has appeared on You Tube giving all of the impression of being an official BBC Trailer. But, it isn't. Nevertheless, you can check it out here. It's not half-bad, either, dear blog reader.
Meanwhile, as we wait for the broadcast of the forthcoming Legend Of The Sea Devils and then, whatever the final Jodie/Chib episode ends up being called later in the year, Executive Producer Matt Strevens has been interviewed by Doctor Who Magazine about the current status of the final two Jodie episodes. The interview also included some potential spoilers concerning The Doctor's relationship with Yaz which was picked up by the Radio Times's Huw Fullerton in a, somewhat atypical, 'he didn't really say anything of any great consequence but, let's run a story anyway' that several media organs - especially the Radio Times - appear to specialise in. Which can be extremely sodding annoying when they trail something as being 'revelatory' and it really isn't.
Elsewhere, director Jamie Magnus Stone recently 'dropped an unexpected regeneration teaser,' confirming that Jodie Whittaker's transition into the next Doctor will take place 'outside of the TARDIS.' And, if you look upon the phrase 'yeah ... and?' on Google, dear blog reader, you'll find that piece on the Digital Spy website pretty near to the top of the list.
Speaking of superior fan-made videos, there's also one kicking around online which celebrates the forthcoming return to Doctor Who of Russell Davies. You can find it here. (One of dozens of similar conceits, seemingly though this appears to be, by far, the best.) Again, it's a pretty decent piece of work. And, specially to illustrates it, here is an image of Big Rusty his very self looking all severe and angered at life in general and fandom in particular.
Russell, meanwhile, had also been talking to the Doctor Who Magazine not only about his forthcoming return to the franchise he loves but, also, about an old script he wrote when he was but a youngling in the 1980s which, eventually, Doctor Who audio producers Big Finish, decided to adapt. Sadly, however, it features Colin Baker.
The Plymouth Live website excitingly announced to their - half-a-dozen - readers this week that Bad Wolf Studios, the production company which will be making Doctor Who's forthcoming series, has 'posted a job opportunity which requires zero experience. The job advertisement is seeking an office runner for a "high end TV drama", with the role based at Bad Wolf Studios Wales.' So, in other words, a job on the very bottom-rung of the TV production ladder which combines - one presumes - long hours, mind-numbing tedium and appalling pay - can be had for those interested in such a career move. So where, exactly, does one sign up to go and fetch Mister Russell's morning coffee, then?
And finally, on the Doctor Who-front, one Craig Cabell (no, me neither), has claimed that seventeen lost Doctor Who episodes are 'still around' somewhere in the Middle East, with 'parties' there had 'acquired' the material from 'others in Japan, New Zealand, and Australia in 1967 and 1970.' Where Chris obtained this - potentially very interesting - information from, however, he didn't say. Writing on Facebook and reported with great excitement elsewhere, Cabell claims that the material is 'in Arabic' (so, therefore, dubbed) and, whilst he didn't disclose any actual useful info regarding a location, he did reference 'war zones.' An - unnamed and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - broadcasting agency has, allegedly, 'confirmed' that the alleged episodes were, allegedly, 'sent to the area.' So, essentially, this is a rumour that some missing 1960s Doctor Who may still exist but you can't see them because, you know, there's a war on. Or something. There must be an 'r' in the month. Haven't we been here before, dear blog reader, with the Bleeding Cool website's ludicrously over-the-top rumours of 2013 which ended up being reported as 'fact' by some brain-dribbling moron in the Sunday People (as 'an exclusive', no less)? Listen, dear blog reader, no one on the planet would be more delighted at the discovery of any fragment of missing Doctor Who than this blogger as Keith Telly Topping has made clear many, many times in the past. But, you know, make a sentence from the following words: 'see it', 'believe it', 'when I', 'I'll'! As one of the websites reporting this story helpfully noted: 'The history of Doctor Who fandom is littered with hoaxes, false leads and fantasy. The claim that the material includes Troughton-era stories is "intriguing" [for which, read highly suspicious], as the pre-dubbed Arabic package that the BBC sent to the Middle East in the 1960s only had stories featuring William Hartnell. There is no evidence [this blogger's italics] that any Patrick Troughton serials were broadcast anywhere in the Middle East.' Then, they added: 'All of this ambiguity is standard when talking about missing episodes. In 2013, rumours swirled that Marco Polo had been found alongside The Web Of Fear and The Enemy Of The World. Later gossip suggested that as many as one hundred or more episodes had been uncovered. These rumours were false and stirred up a lot of bad blood in the fandom.' No shit. The Fandom Wars which followed the knowledge that all (or, at least, most) of these rumours had been nothing more than a right load of old crap would've put any conflict which is currently taking place in The Middle East to shame. The person responsible for those rumours has never been identified.
One of the major news stories to emerge since From The North was last updated was the sad announcement of the death, at the age of eighty six, of the comedy legend and From The North favourite Barry Cryer. A man of wit and charm with a CV that reads like a potted history of British comedy.
Stephen Dixon's extensive and well-written obituary of Barry in the Gruniad Morning Star is well worth a few moments of your time, dear blog reader. 'As a writer, comedian, radio quiz panellist, chat show guest and actor, Barry Cryer was part of the backbone of British television and radio comedy for more than sixty years. He wrote for performers including Morecambe & Wise, The Two Ronnies, Tommy Cooper, Jack Benny, Bob Hope, George Burns, Frankie Howerd, Kenny Everett and Les Dawson and was a member of the ramshackle-but-hilarious BBC radio show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue from its inception in 1972.' As, indeed, is the BBC News website's uncredited obit: 'It was a life dedicated to comedy, but Cryer refused to delve too deeply into exactly how it was done. "Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog," he once said. "Nobody laughs and the frog dies."'
One of this blogger's own favourite examples of Barry Cryer at his finest and funniest comes from one of his several appearances on From The North favourite Would I Lie To You? a few years ago and a magical piece of dry and straight-faced lying his face off. We lost a giant in Barry Cryer, dear blog reader and the world is a far less amusing place without him in it.
The fourth series of From The North favourite Star Trek: Discovery is set to return from hiatus on 10 February and, recently, Paramount has officially confirmed the commission of a fifth series, which will comprise ten-episodes, bringing Discovery into line with all the other Star Trek Universe TV shows. Paramount also announced a couple of other exciting-if-entirely-expected renewals. They have picked up a second series of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, the upcoming - and highly-anticipated - series starring Anson Mount as the Enterprise's first captain, Christopher Pike. Earlier reporting indicated that the series could go into production in February in Toronto. And, finally, Star Trek Lower Decks has been renewed for a fourth ten-episode series. Meanwhile, the second series of Star Trek: Picard is scheduled to begin in the US on 3 March. A third series of that had already been confirmed.
Neil Gaiman's The Sandman was one of the most ambitious comics ever created and was - and remains - one of this blogger's favourites. For decades, the series was deemed unfilmable and, while there had been several failed attempts previously, it is finally getting the live-action adaptation it (hopefully) deserves thanks to Netflix. According to Sanjeev Bhaskar (who will play Cain in the series), the scale of the drama is 'nothing short of extraordinary. I've only got a couple of scenes in [The Sandman], but I have not worked on anything of that kind of scale before,' the actor told Radio Times. 'We shot one day in the studio and a couple of days on location and in the studio the sets they were building - just walking around, I'd never seen anything like it.'
This blogger never believed for a second that he could love the Godlike Genius of Neil Young any more that he did upon discovering On The Beach and Harvest as a fifteen year old. But, events of last week, Neil's principled stance over the music streaming behemoth Spotify seemingly being happy to host controversial podcasts by COVID-denier Joe Rogan, changed all that. As, indeed, did Neil's subsequent departure from the service. Because, dear blog reader, anything which irks those odious slappable Middle Class hippy Communists wankers Mumford & Sons is a good thing. Always. You slap it to 'em, Neil - 'I see bloody fountains and ten million dune-buggies comin' down the mountains ...'
On a somewhat related note, this blogger very much enjoyed the discussion on the latest episode of From The North's favourite podcast, Kermode & Mayo's Film Review in which Simon demanded to know whether, in light of Neil, Joni Mitchell and Crosby, Stills & Nash (among others) withdrawing their music from Spotify in protest at Rogan's presence, Mark intended to do the same with The Dodge Brothers discography. Which is currently on there, believe this blogger, he has checked. Pfft, that's disgraceful Kermode. Called yourself an ex-'red-flag waving bolshie bore with a subscription to Fight Racism Fight Imperialism and no sense of humour'? Come The Glorious Day, Comrade ... questions will be asked! By The Committee.
The podcast episode in question was, of course, marvellous as usual. Where else in the Wide Wide World Of Sport, dear blog reader, are you going to get a lengthy discussion on the meaning of Washboard Sam's 'Who Pumped The Wind In My Doughnut?', an in-depth political analysis of Boney M's 'Belfast', an impression of Jared Leto as Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz, oh and, surprisingly, a couple of movie reviews? The latter will never catch on, clearly.
Game Of Thrones fans - of whom this blogger is very much one - are being invited to step into the world of Westeros at a forty million knicker attraction housing sets, costumes and props from the epic TV adult fantasy drama. The Game Of Thrones Studio Tour has opened at Linen Mill, one of the show's filming locations in Northern Ireland. The Great Hall of Winterfell and Castle Black sets have remained in place there since filming ended in 2018. Of course, you have to get to Northern Ireland to see them. Which isn't exactly cheap.
Dune, which boasts an all-star cast including Timothée Chalamet and Zendaya, leads the nominations for this year's BAFTA Film Awards with eleven. The Power Of The Dog, a gothic Western starring yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch, received eight nominations. Sir Kenneth Branagh's acclaimed Belfast, the black-and-white retelling of his childhood in Northern Ireland, got six. Daniel Craig's final Bond outing No Time To Die has five nominations, including Outstanding British Film. The full list of nominees can be found here. This blogger's own favourite movie of 2021, Edgar Wright's Last Night In Soho, is one of ten nominees in the Outstanding British Film category and is also recognised with a nomination for its Sound Design. Jared Leto's performance as Joe Dolce, sorry, Paolo in House Of Gucci was, staggeringly, not nominated. Presumably because the BAFTA voters were too busy laughing at The Screen Actors Guild Awards. (This blogger doesn't just throw these bloggerisationism updates together, you know, there's at least some thought that goes into the structure. Allegedly.)
Disney has responded to criticism made by From The North favourite Peter Dinklage about its forthcoming live-action adaptation of Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs. Dinklage said that the remake of the 1937 animated movie, based on the much-older fairy tale by The Brothers Grimm, was 'backward.' Disney said it was going to 'avoid reinforcing stereotypes from the original animated film.' One or two people even believed them.
Taylor Swift has criticised full-of-his-own-importance twonk Damon Albarn of Blur (and, later, Gorillaz), after he claimed that she doesn't write her own music. Talking to the LA Times, full-of-his-own-importance twonk Damon Albarn replied to the interviewer describing Swift as 'an excellent songwriter' stating 'she doesn't write her own songs.' Quite how, exactly, full-of-his-own-importance twonk Damon Albarn knows this, he didn't reveal. A bit like that bloke on Facebook claiming there were missing Doctor Who episodes in some - nameless - Middle East war zone. (See, this blogger really wasn't kidding when he said he didn't throw these bloggerisationisms together.) Swift responded to full-of-his-own-importance twonk Damon Albarn on Twitter: 'Was such a big fan of yours until I saw this.' Full-of-his-own-importance twonk Damon Albarn also said in the interview that he 'prefers' Billie Eilish (hey, who doesn't?), whom full-of-his-own-importance twonk Damon Albarn called 'a really interesting songwriter.' 'I write all of my own songs,' claimed Swift, angrily. 'Your hot take is completely false and so damaging.' So, America being the infamously litigious country it is, perhaps we should expect to see this malarkey sorted out in court. Full-of-his-own-importance twonk Damon Albarn's legal team should be quite interesting given his former bandmate That-Knobcheese-On-Bass's well-established government fiendships.
The Blue Boy, Thomas Gainsborough's famous oil painting, has gone on display at the National Gallery, one hundred years after it was bought and shipped to the US by an American businessman. The London gallery's 1922 farewell show for the work attracted ninety thousand visitors. The 1770 masterpiece has now been loaned back for an exhibition which opened on Tuesday, one hundred years to the day that it left Britain. The gallery described the portrait as 'one of the UK's most famous artworks.' And, also, the inspiration for one of Edwyn Collins's finest tunes. So, double bonus.
Bob Dylan - he was a popular beat combo of the 1960s, your honour - has reportedly sold the master recordings to his entire back catalogue to Sony Music, in the industry's latest blockbuster music acquisition. The deal, completed last July, includes everything from classic 1960s LPs like The Freewheelin' Bopb Dylan, Highway 61 Revisited, Blonde On Blonde and John Wesley Harding, up to Bob's latest release, 2020's Rough & Rowdy Ways. Billboard magazine reports that the catalogue is believed to be worth about two hundred million bucks, based on annual revenues. Dylan previously sold his publishing rights to Universal Music for a reported four hundred million dollars. So, this presumably means that the drinks are now very definitely on yer actual Billionaire Bob. Money doesn't talk, it swears, as someone once said. Probably.
There's a very good piece by the BBC News website's Ian Youngs on the scriptwriter Tony Schumacher who spent ten years in the police in Liverpool before the pressures of the job led him to burn out. Now, he's written a major TV drama about a Liverpool police officer in the middle of a breakdown - The Responder, the best thing that Martin Freeman's done in years.
And, speaking of very good pieces of journalism, Rich Pelley of the Gruniad Moprning Star's interview with From The North favourite Kiefer Sutherland is also highly recommended. It includes at least one brilliantly surreal claim from yer man Kiefer: 'I said "I can do a really good Donald Sutherland for half the money!"' Which, one trusts, Kiefer's dad rather would have rather enjoyed.
Just to prove that they can produce decent journalism when they really put their mind to it, the Radio Times - in the shape of Helen Daly - have done a very good job with their interview with From The North favourite Vicky McClure, currently doing the publicity rounds for her new ITV series, Trigger Point. Proof, if any proof were actually needed dear blog reader, that even a broken clock can be correct twice a day.
And, to be fair, then they only went and did it again a few days later with a piece - by Morgan Jeffrey - on Gary Oldham's forthcoming espionage series, Slow Horses. Good God, dear blog reader, this sort of thing can be habit-forming. Huw Fullerton will be writing something decent next for Radio Times, mark this blogger's words. Nah, on second thoughts, let's not get carried away. That's never likely to happen.
ITV has announced a shake-up of its evening schedules which will see its news programming extended and soaps given new slots. Under the plans, ITV News will be broadcast from 18:30 to 19:30, with 'more focus on stories from outside London.' Which, given that there's a virtually no focus on stories from outside London presently, will, at least, be novel. Emmerdale, which is currently broadcast in the 7pm slot, will move half-an-hour later to make room for, you know, stuff that actually matters to viewers with more than three braincells. Coronation Street will broadcast three hour-long episodes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, the network said.
This blogger, his rapidly declining health situation notwithstanding, continues with his previously-mentioned nightly re-read of Mark Lewisohn's 'seventeen hundred and twenty eight pages and it still only goes up to 1962' Tune-In biography of The Be-Atles. (They were a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them.) For those taking notes, it is, currently, late 1961 and Mister Epstein is just about to visit The Cavern and find out who these people that made this curious 'My Bonnie' records which NEMS customer Raymond Jones wants to buy actually are. 'Oh, apparently, it's those guys who are always hanging around my shop listening to loud rhythm and blues music and never buying anything. Gosh, don't they look startlingly attractive in their leather cowboy boots, Alistair? I think they're going to be bigger than Elvis. That drummer's a bit limited, though ...'
A driver pulled over by The Fuzz reportedly told officers that he had been driving without a licence or insurance for more than seventy years. Nottinghamshire's Bulwell, Rise Park and Highbury Vale Police said in a - somewhat sneering - Facebook post that the driver, who was born in 1938, claimed he had been driving since the age of twelve. 'Thankfully he had never had an accident, caused anyone an injury and never made anyone lose out financially, by hitting them whilst uninsured,' they added.
The Chase's Mark The Beast Labbett has grovelling apologised to viewers after storming off the show and punching a wall, saying his mental health was 'shot' at that moment. Yeah, this blogger knows exactly how you feel, Mister Beast. The Chaser reportedly 'saw red' after he was beaten to the grand prize in a recent episode of the popular ITV show. Saying 'I'm off', he walked off set and whacked a wall on his way out, leaving host, From The North favourite Bradley Walsh, apologising to any children who might have been watching. And, encouraging them not to punch walls because, well, it's a really frigging stupid thing to do and can hurt like jimbuggery if you do it hard enough.
ITV have explained (in a roundabout manner) why two further episodes of From The North favourite Vera were not broadcast earlier in the year as the popular crime drama appeared to be replaced mid-series. Viewers were, reportedly, 'left disappointed' (although, this is according to a media report which, curiously, fails to include any proof that all viewers were asked their opinion. This blogger, for one, never got that memo) to see Vera Stanhope fail to return to their screens on Sunday nights as Trigger Point was shown in its slot. Vera, which is now in its eleventh series, had returned with two explosive (and, very good) episodes. Now, ITV have confirmed why Vera was not broadcast, despite two further episodes from the current series being, reportedly, in the can. A spokesperson told the Northern Echo that despite claims to the contrary, there have not been any delays with post-production and the remaining episodes have, in fact, been held back by ITV so they can reach the 'best possible audience.' As that was confirmed, From The North favourite Brenda Blethyn herself took to social media to confirm that there are two more episodes waiting to be shown - and they are currently filming more as part of the next production block.
Broadcasting watchdog Ofcom (a politically-appointed quango, elected by no one) is to investigate Channel Four after an extended outage over its subtitle services. And, presumably, if they find fault, they will be sending some skinheads round to Channel Four to break some fingers. The broadcaster experienced 'several major outages' late last year, caused, allegedly by 'issues' at the centre which 'handles its playout services.' Its subtitling, signing and audio descriptions were all affected, prompting the National Deaf Children's Society to call for action. Only, you know, they had to do it via sign-language because the subtitles were on the blink. Channel Four - seemingly, anticipating the damned good kicking they're about to receive - snivelled that it was 'sorry' for the 'significant impact.'
One hundred years ago, in February 1922, Sylvia Beach, the owner of the Paris bookshop Shakespeare & Company, published James Joyce's Ulysses, in full, for the first time. Yes. To mark the centenary of the seminal novel's publication, the publisher is set to release an ensemble audio recording of its complete text, featuring major names like From The North favourite Eddie Izzard and Margaret Atwood. More than one hundred writers, artists, comedians and musicians are coming together to read a section from Ulysses for Shakespeare & Company, including Will Self, Jeanette Winterson, Ben Okri and Meena Kandasamy. The recordings will be released as a free podcast, starting on 2 February and ending on 16 June, the date also known as Bloomsday in honour of the day in 1904 when Leopold Bloom wandered the streets of Dublin in Ulysses. Is it too much to hope, dear blog reader, that they give yer actual Eddie then entire 'The sea, the snotgreen sea, the scrotumtightening sea' bit to read. We can always dream. Dreaming, as Blondie once said, is free.
By the way, dear blog reader, don't be in the least bit surprised that yer actual Keith Telly Topping knows a bit of yer man Joyce. And, under no circumstances mutter to your very selves 'not bad for a long-haired weirdo with a bad back.' This blogger did once take (and, indeed, pass ... just) an English Literature A Level which involved him, you know, reading a few books. Joyce's Finnegans Wake, admittedly, was one of the tougher assignments he received; it was especially hard to get past all of that 'bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk!' malarkey. Though this blogger is absolutely certain From The North favourite Eddie Izzard could give it a right good go!
From The North favourite and (inter)national icon Stephen Fry has teamed up with Audible to launch a new podcast exploring the human mind. The podcast, Stephen Fry: Inside Your Mind will be a twelve-part series exploring what we know about the brain, how it shapes our lives and the mysteries still to be understood. Stephen will look at 'major questions scientists are still debating on the human mind's capability,' including topics such as memory and sexuality. Three episodes have been made available so far (although you do have to pay for them). Fry has fronted a number of previous Audible Original podcasts including the bestselling historical series Stephen Fry's Victorian Secrets and its 2021 sequel Edwardian Secrets.
From The North favourite yer actual Bill Bailey has revealed his passion for skydiving, admitting that he now jumps 'regularly.' Mind you, this is according to the Cummock Chronicle so, you know, a pinch of salt (or several) might be advisable.
And, speaking of absurdist comedians with odd haircuts, the Duke of York has, reportedly, given up his honorary membership of the prestigious Royal & Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews in Scotland. The decision follows Prince Andrew's loss of various military titles and royal patronages as he prepares to contest a civil sexual assault case in the US. His lawyers last week claimed, rather unconvincingly, that he was 'ready to face a jury trial' in New York over claims brought by Virginia Giuffre that he did some very naughty things to her when she was seventeen. Prince Andrew, a former captain of the golf club, had been a member since 1992. But, now he is no longer. Even though, he claims, that he's done absolutely nothing - nah-thing - wrong. So, make of that what you will, dear blog reader.
Formula 1 could have a new race director in 2022 following the controversial Abu Dhabi Grand Prix, the FIA's head of single-seaters says. The sport's governing body is conducting a review into 2021's final race, when the safety car rules were not followed correctly by race director Michael Masi which caused all manner of malarkey and discombobulation and left Lewis Hamilton with a face like a smacked arse. It was quite funny, as it happens. Peter Bayer, newly appointed as the FIA's head of F1, claimed: 'Michael did a super job in many ways. We told him that.' One or two people even believed him. 'But, also that there is a possibility there could be a new race director.' For which read ...
The vaccine sceptic, anti-lockdown campaigner, failed politicians and twenty-four carat plank Laurence Fox - big fan of Joe Rogan, allegedly - has claimed he has coronavirus. Three people felt sorry for him. Billie Piper's ex, who finished sixth in last year's London mayoral erections (though, to be fair, he did get more votes than Count Binface. And Nims Obunge), tweeted a picture on Sunday of a positive lateral flow test. Above it, he wrote: 'In other news, felt shivery and crap yesterday.' Welcome, Foxy, to this blogger's world. 'Turns out I have been visited by Lord Covid at last and have the Omnicold (if the LFT is to be believed!)' he added. 'On the Ivermectin, saline nasal rinse, quercetin, paracetamol and ibruprofen. More man flu than Wu-flu at the moment.' This blogger has absolutely no intention whatsoever of editorialising on this story. Oh no, very hot water.
A spelling mistake on thousands of pieces of Platinum Jubilee merchandising, calling it the 'Platinum Jubbly', is reportedly proving 'a challenge' for souvenir sellers. One wonders why. The cups and plates were meant to mark the Queen's seventy-year reign. Clearance website boss Karl Baxter said - 'in classic Del Boy-style' - he would pitch them as collectors' items. 'What could be more unique than our limited-edition misprinted crockery?' he asked, more in desperation than hope, one suspects. More than ten thousand pieces of the jubilee memorabilia were produced in China and sent to be sold in the UK, said the clearance firm.
UEFA has decided not to take legal action against a German restaurant and its 'Champignons League' pizza. European football's governing body says its Champions League competition can 'happily live alongside' the inventively-named pizza. Champignons are, of course, a specific type of mushrooms. Earlier last week, the owners of Pizza Wolke, in Giessen, near Frankfurt, posted an image on their Instagram account showing a cease-and-desist letter which they had received from UEFA, threatening legal action over the name of the frozen pizza. But European football's governing body has now, seemingly, had a change of heart and blamed the decision to threaten action on 'an over-zealous local trademark agent. Clearly some people are making a meal of this story,' it said in a statement. 'UEFA obviously takes the protection of its intellectual property seriously but this instance seems to be a case of an over-zealous local trademark agent acting too hastily. The UEFA Champions League can happily live alongside this delicious-sounding pizza.' The restaurant later posted: 'Breaking news at the late hour, The Champignons League stays where it is.' In the freezer.
Boris Johnson still, allegedly, 'has control of Downing Street' after a string of close aides quit their jobs on Friday, his official spokesman has alleged. One or two people even believed him. Johnson quoted The Lion King as he attempted to rally remaining staff, telling them 'change is good.' Indeed. Especially at the top. His spokesman claimed that Downing Street was 'not currently' expecting more resignations in the coming days. Though, if The Huffington Post is to be believed, Bashing Boris has been reduced to sending begging e-mails to keep himself in a job.
Meanwhile, Conservative MPs have privately been venting their considerable spleen at the appointment of a former Sky executive who entered parliament in 2019 as the replacement for Munira Mirza as the head of Number Ten's policy unit. Mind you, dear blog reader, this is according to some Middle Class hippy Communist of no consequence at the Gruniad Morning Star so it's perfectly possible this is a right load of old made-up crap. MPs from Northern 'red wall' areas were, the article claims, 'particularly vehement' about the promotion of Andrew Griffith, a former investment banker representing a safe Tory seat in West Sussex, to what the Gruniad describes as 'a key role in shaping new government ideas.' The government, seemingly, has ideas, dear blog reader. Whom knew? 'What does he know about real life?' asked one - anonymous and, therefore, probably fictitious - Northern Tory MP. Insert your own punchline here, dear blog reader.
A woman has been jailed for thirty four weeks after faking her own kidnap in a bid to con her ex-boyfriend out of two grand so she could buy Christmas presents for her family. According to the Daily Scum Mail so, that's almost certainly, not true.
Police in Cyprus are, reportedly, investigating after a statue of a giant potato was found vandalised on New Year's Day. It was damaged, but - sadly - not chipped.
The twenty-fourth Winter Olympics is officially under way after the Olympic cauldron was lit in a restrained Opening Ceremony in Beijing on Friday. Almost three thousand athletes from ninety one nations will compete across the games. The International Olympic Committee has been criticised, mostly by Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star readers, admittedly, for awarding the games to China because of the country's numerous human rights abuses. The IOC responded that, yes, the Chinese are a bunch of totalitarian scum with an appalling human rights record. But, on the other hand, they do make a very nice curried king prawn with rice and chips so, you know, swings and roundabouts, innit?
That said, dear blog reader, dragging a Dutch TV reporter away whilst he was giving a live report might - just - be regarded as something of a PR nightmare for the Chinese. One which will require an enormous amount of chicken and sweetcorn soup, deep fried crispy wontons, salt and chilli spare ribs and a nice, fattening bowl of beef chow mein to put right. Over to you, China.
As for the games themselves, one trusts that Team GB will continue its traditional successes in the various Mixed Fiendish Thingy Brushing events. It's one of the few things that we're any good at.
A woman has alleged that she was raped during the production of a new BBC TV cooking show. Police said that the alleged assault is alleged to have occurred in London last September and they are 'reviewing the evidence.' BBC Studios said that it had 'robust processes in place' for supporting staff or freelancers who 'may have been victims of crime.' BBC Three cookery contest Hungry For It, hosted by Stacey Dooley and featuring that awful shouty Big Zuu individual, will see ten aspiring chefs 'testing their skills' whilst living together in a house. Which sounds, from this description like, perhaps, the worst idea for any TV show since Don't Scare The Hare. In a statement, City of London Police said: 'On Sunday 19 September 2021, City of London Police was contacted by another police force, which had received a late report of a rape that took place in September 2021. The evidence in the case is currently being reviewed and the female victim has been supported by specifically-trained officers.'
Germany and the EU have condemned Russia's decision to shut down the Moscow bureau of the international public broadcaster Deutsche Welle. All DW's staff have lost their press accreditations and the channel is now barred from broadcasting in Russia. Germany's culture minister said the move was 'not acceptable in any way.' Russia argued that it was merely retaliating after German regulators decided a new Russian state-run TV channel, RT DE, did not have a suitable licence to operate. One or two people even believed them.
Climate change is threatening to destroy archaeology buried in the UK as the soils that protect them dry out. A Roman toilet seat, the world's oldest boxing glove and the oldest handwritten letter by a woman are some of the extraordinary objects previously discovered in at-risk British peatlands (in the latter case, at the wonderful Vindolanda site in Northumberland which this blogger has visited several times). This means climate change could undermine our understanding of our past, say archaeologists. Not to mention having a significant impact on our future, as well. The problem is that changing weather patterns are drying out some peatlands - the waterlogged soils which cover about ten per cent of the UK. Because peat contains very little oxygen, organic materials like wood, leather and textiles do not rot. They can survive for thousands of years, preserved by the stable anoxic chemistry of the soil.
Facebook's owner Meta Platforms saw its stock market value slump by more than one hundred and seventy million knicker on Thursday, a record daily loss for a US firm. Its shares fell twenty six per cent after quarterly figures asre reportedly to have 'disappointed' investors. Well if, as this blogger discovered to his extreme disappointment last year, Facebook can't be arsed to reply to e-mails asking for help on a hacked account and make contacting them in any alternate way var-nigh impossible then they can hardly whinge when punters leave in droves, can they?
A woman has been sentenced to a lengthy spell in The Slammer after sending herself 'vile' threats from up to thirty fake Instagram accounts she created in an attempt to get her ex-boyfriend banged up in The Joint. Courtney Ireland-Ainsworth, of Runcorn, reportedly made ten police statements and claimed that her former partner Louis Jolly, threatened to stab her. She also told police that Jolly was 'harassing and stalking her,' which led to him being arrested six times. Which wasn't a very nice thing to do, frankly.
Uranus and Neptune are the most twin-like of all the planets in the Solar System. They are almost the same size and mass, have similar compositions and structures, even similar rotation rates. Which makes one glaring difference quite perplexing and, indeed, discombobulating. Neptune is a fetching shade of rich, deep azure, with visible swirling storms. Uranus is more of a featureless, a delicate pale teal. If the two planets are so similar, whence the difference in their methane-based blues? New research, uploaded to preprint server arXiv and awaiting peer review, claims to have found at least one potential answer. According to a team led by planetary physicist Patrick Irwin of Oxford University, an extended layer of haze dilutes the hue of Uranus, resulting in a paler orb compared to its more distant twin; fraternal, if not identical.
A team of scientists want Pluto classified as a planet again - along with dozens of similar bodies in and on the outskirts of the solar system and any found around distant stars. The call goes against a highly controversial resolution from 2006 by the International Astronomical Union which decided Pluto is only a 'dwarf planet' - but the researchers say a rethink will put science back on the right path. If only to prove that what all of our mothers told us was, indeed correct, size really isn't important.
In 2021, the Pacific Islands saw dramatic changes with the threatened exit of Micronesian states from the Pacific Islands Forum and the fall of the region's longest serving political leader, former Samoan Prime Minister Tuilaepa Sailele Malielegaoi. In February, the Pacific Islands Forum broke apart over the controversial election of former Cook Islands Prime Minister Henry Puna as the next Secretary-General, by one vote, over the Micronesian candidate, Gerald Zackios. Five Micronesian states - The Federated States Of Micronesia, Kiribati, The Marshall Islands, Nauru and Palau - got all stroppy and upset about this and announced they would leave the Forum over what they saw as a breach of a 'gentleman's agreement' to rotate the position of Secretary-General between the three sub-regions. While 'Micronexit' is still far from confirmed and negotiations continue, a leaders meeting in September made the rift clear when most Micronesian states boycotted. Hey, guys, don't you know fighting is for zeroes?
That bastion of truthful, accurate and worthy reportage the Daily Mirra must've found themselves with little actual news to report over the last few weeks (because, of course, there's such a dirth of stuff going on at the moment). At least, that appears to be the case if Louise Lavigueur's potential Pulitzer Prize-winning article Celebrities' Unusual Sex Fetishes – Spanking, Sex In Cars, Drinking Blood & Knife Play is anything to go by. One imagines Louise's parents are so proud of their daughter's impressive journalistic endeavours.
And finally, dear blog reader, From The North's undisputed Headline Of The Week award goes to Sky News for Mafia Fugitive Arrested After Being Spotted On Google Street View In Spain. It's technology gone mad so it is, dear blog reader. Have a good week and, you know, if you're a criminal, it might be an idea to stay indoors. This blogger intends to.
