An Example Of Click-Baiting The Third: Tits & Ass, Cock and Balls

What? What?

Rumours that yer actual Jodie Whittaker has already regenerated into someone else cannot, at this time, be either confirmed or denied, dear blog reader.

How properly terrific it was to see, in the opening episode of the new - fifth - series of the excellent Dave Gorman's Modern Life Is Goodish, Dave his very self once again taking down with withering sarcasm, that objectionable, full-of-his-own-importance fool, the self-styled 'most-read, most-watched and most-listened-to showbiz reporter in the world,' Neil Sean. Who, long-term viewers of the comedy show may recall, was a hapless target of Dave in a previous series of Modern Life Is Goodish over many of the utterly ludicrous claims that Sean made in his 2011 book How To Live Like A Celebrity For Free! (one-and-a-half stars on Amazon, dear blog reader - and it only gets the half because one reviewer with the Interweb moniker 'TBL' gave it an - one presumes, sarcastic - five star review ... before ripping the piss out of it and its author). This time around, Dave was focusing on Sean's remarkably crap, self-produced, Dr Who: The Lost Interviews DVD (one star on Amazon - and it only gets that because as one reviewer, JH Wilkins, noted zero stars wasn't an option) with the help of author, comedian, Doctor Who fan and all-round good bloke Toby Hadoke. (This blogger subsequently told Toby that Keith Telly Topping thought Toby did a marvellous job 'just about keeping a straight face' during the segment.) God, it was funny. Of course, From The North itself has, over the years, found plenty of material in the frequent utter codswallop that Sean used to write in his - now, tragically ended - column in the Metro. Like this one for instance. Or this one. Or this. Or this. Or this. Or dozens of other examples of crass tittle-tattle masquerading as alleged 'news'. But, yer actual Dave Gorman does it so much better.

Incidentally, one marginally-related point, the last time that Dave owned Neil Sean's sorry ass on TV - in 2014 - Sean subsequently made the allegation that he had, allegedly, received abuse on Twitter because of it, claims which Dave Gorman was unable to check the veracity of (though, he did try, very hard, as this blog-post proves). This blogger does not condone online abuse, even - perhaps, especially - if it is directed at a self-promoting, ghastly and allegedly mendacious individual such as Neil Sean. So, if anyone reading this blog feels like doing that crap or anything even remotely like it, cut it out. Saying someone talks frequent risible bollocks, makes cheap cash-in DVDs which do not deliver what they claim on the box and allegedly tells porkies about things he has, allegedly, been told by Prince William or Boris Johnson but hasn't really is one thing, allegedly threatening the same person with (unspecific) alleged naughty doings is quite another and is not acceptable in any sort of civilised society. This blogger thinks that Neil Sean is a ludicrous enough individual without making him more interesting than he actually is by some idiot targeting him with - unspecified - threats and menaces. As Dave Gorman rightly noted three years ago, such malarkey is not big and it's not clever. And this blogger shall be having none of it. Here endeth the lecture.

The very lovely Nicholas Pegg has reportedly been 'dismissed' from Doctor Who Magazine over a 'special' message which was allegedly 'coded' into the latest issue. Regular readers of the Doctor Who Magazine may have missed the message which was, allegedly, featured in The Watcher column at the end of the most recent issue. It has been edited in the digital edition of the magazine, but if you took the first letter of each sentence in the printed version of the column, it spells out 'Panini and BBC Worldwide are' and then a word which begins with C and ends with S. And, it wasn't 'cults', either. The Wotcha column, reports the Mirra - with its standard lack of accuracy since they stopped hacking people's phones a few years ago - was written by Nick, who has worked on Doctor Who (and various related projects) in many roles over the years. The Torygraph also got hold of the story and helpfully printed a copy of the column with all of the letters circled in black pen. Nick has written, acted and directed in many Big Finish audio productions, extensively contributed to several Doctor Who DVD releases and, since 2005, he has been operating a Dalek on the show itself (obviously only in episodes that the Daleks appear in; when they're not on the show, he gets out and goes home). He is also, of course, a highly respected authority on the life and work of David Bowie. He is the author of the definitive The Complete David Bowie - this blogger's favourite Bowie book by a distance - was the consultant on the 2013 BBC TV documentary David Bowie: Five Years and, in the same year, he contributed to the Victoria & Albert Museum's exhibition David Bowie Is. 'If you look hard enough, there is always something hidden in plain sight,' he wrote in the column. 'The matter was raised with the publisher who has dismissed the writer,' a BBC Worldwide spokesman snitched to the Mirra. The newspaper also appeared to imply that Nick has been fired from Doctor Who itself - based on what, they don't say - although it is also stated that Nick wasn't due to be involved in the soon-to-being-filmed series eleven anyway. What led Nick to write his message in the first place isn't clear, although the Mirra quotes 'fan speculation' which claims that he may have been 'annoyed' about a reported decision not to release a DVD of the forthcoming production of the unfinished 1979 Tom Baker serial, Shada. Although how, exactly, Panini the publishers of the Doctor Who Magazine have any connection to that is unclear. Perhaps the answer lies in a series of claims made in the latest issue of Private Eye, also - like Doctor Who Magazine - available this week from all good newsagents (and, some bad ones as well). Perhaps we'll never know.

And now ...

TV Comedy Line Of The Week: Have I Got News For You's Paul Merton noting, in relation to the resignation of Defence Minister Michael Fallon: 'When the news broke last night, the female BBC journalist kept describing him as "a safe pair of hands!"' Which was, as Paul added, 'an unfortunate phrase given the circumstances.' Guest panellist, the odious Daily Scum Mail louse Quentin Letts, then asked 'where are the Lib Dems in this? Normally they're way in the front in any sex scandal.' 'There's not enough of them any more,' suggested fellow guest, Miles Jupp. 'They can't even round up a decent gang of sex offenders.' Merton, on blistering form as usual (and, for the second week in a row, wearing a very tasty cravat), added: 'A threesome would be a push, wouldn't it?'

Host Jo Brand also said that The Times had printed a redacted version of the list of MPs allegedly up to nefarious skulduggery and naughty malarkey which then appeared on-screen. 'A damning indictment of MPs behaviour or, if you prefer, a fun-packed Missing Word Round!' This blogger's attention was drawn to one of the allegations in the second column which suggested that one - unnamed - MP has 'asked [a] female researcher to do odd things.' Vote Conservative, that sort of thing?

TV Comedy Line Of The Week (Part The Second): Alan Davies, in the latest episode of Qi - Oceans - helpfully demonstrating to the audience a shark's peripheral vision with the aid of an inflatable helper!

Sandi Toksvig added that sharks, in fact, are far less dangerous than most people imagine; sharks, on average kill only six people per year worldwide, the same number of people that are killed each year by livestock in Britain alone. 'So, a cow is more likely to do you in than a shark.' Whilst ants, she then claimed, are responsible for the deaths of thirty humans per annum. 'What? How?' asked guest Joe Lycett. Two very sensible questions. 'Luring them across the road?' Alan suggested!

'As days go, this is a weird one!' Finally, after six episodes of 'it's okay, but a bit ... meh' Star Trek: Discovery properly hit its stride this week with Magic To Make The Sanest Man Go Mad. Certainly, as noted in several reviews, it was the episode which is the most like Star Trek thus far. It wasn't the most original of ideas - Groundhog Day-Meets-Inception, essentially. In fact, it wasn't even unique to the Star Trek canon - the Next Generation episode Time Squared being just the most obvious example of previous forays into the wacky world of time-loops. But, it was really funny; properly good performances, too from Isaacs, Sonequa Martin-Green, Shazad Latif, Rainn Wilson and, especially, in a week in which he probably had his mind on events elsewhere, Anthony Rapp proving, again, that he's the actor who seems to be given all the best lines on Discovery at the moment. Good job. Now, keep it up.

There was another excellent episode of Gotham this week - A Day In The Narrows - notable for the fact that whomsoever it is in the music department that seems to have an obsession with late 1970s and early 1980s British music is still getting a gig. This week, however, he or she took a break from their usual quota of punk, post-punk and indie to wander, boldly, into the murky depths of post-New Romantic-funk, Spandau Ballet's finest four minutes (or finest eight minutes, if you have the twelve inch single) being used as the music in the scene where Bruce Wayne and his new teenage friends visit a club which, it turns out, he owns.

Favourite British TV shows 'could be under threat' due to a funding shortfall, the BBC is warning. The rise of services like Netflix and Amazon could mean British content faces 'an uncertain future,' Director General Tony Hall said in a speech. There could be a funding shortfall of five hundred million knicker over the next ten years, according to new research. Lord Hall called for a 'new golden age for British production. The BBC has always shown a great ability to adapt to new challenges and make them opportunities,' he said. Speaking in Liverpool, he added that if there is an immediate response to the issue, then the future of British content could be protected. He called the figures on funding, from consultants Mediatique and published by the BBC, 'worrying. We have to face the reality that the British content we value and rely upon is under serious threat.' Lord Hall added that global services like Netflix, Amazon and Apple are 'not likely' to make up the funding shortfall. 'The reality is that their investment decisions are likely to focus increasingly on a narrow range of very expensive, very high-end content - big bankers that they can rely on to have international appeal and attract large, global audiences. Even the most generous calculations suggest they are barely likely to make up half of the five hundred million pounds British content gap over the decade ahead. And a more realistic forecast points to substantially less.' The five most watched shows broadcast in the UK this year so far have all been British - coverage of the One Love Manchester concert, Broadchurch, Britain's Got Toilets, Sherlock and Strictly Come Dancing. Lord Hall said that the BBC 'should remain a guardian of UK production' and 'a bastion of brilliant British content. But to achieve this, we have to recognise that the environment around the BBC has changed dramatically, and we must change in response,' he said. 'In the UK we often think of the BBC as a big player, but today the media market is truly global. And in that vast solar system, we are tiny compared to the huge gas giants of the US. And every day they're getting bigger.' Whilst about eighty three per cent of independent production companies in the UK were British or European-owned ten years ago, today that figure is less than forty per cent - the rest are owned by US multinationals.

That there Maisie Williams says she is 'looking forward' to Game Of Thrones ending so she can spend more time making independent films. She told BBC Newsbeat that the thought of not being in the series is 'nerve wracking' but that she can't wait 'to be free.' The actress has played Arya Stark in the HBO fantasy drama since the first series, when she was fourteen. Now twenty, and with the series is heading into its eighth and final series, Maisie said that although filming hasn't yet begun on the final batch of six episodes, fans are 'desperate' to find out when it will be released and she confirmed tat the cast have done their first script read-through. Maisie says that she has been enjoying some time off set before things 'get intense' again. 'Any time I get to work from home, is down time,' she said. 'I think if you stop and do nothing, it drives you insane. Well it does to me, anyway. I've been lucky enough to be home for a whole month now, which has been wonderful.' So what will she do with her time when the series that has dominated her career thus far comes to an end? 'I've just started a production company, so I'm now realising how hard the industry can be,' she said. 'Coming back here and listening to all the films nominated and getting back into watching independent films just makes me realise how much I miss it. It's the only place I've ever really wanted to be to be honest.' Maisie announced the nominees for the British Independent Film Awards on Wednesday and says that she is 'really interested' in independent films. 'I'm excited for Game Of Thrones to finish and there's going to be time for me to do whatever I want. That's just incredibly exciting and it will be nice to pick roles that I want to do. I can show the world what sort of actress I want to be and shape my career a little bit.'

Here are the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Five programmes broadcast in the week-ending Sunday 29 October 2017:-
1 Blue Planet II - Sun BBC1 - 14.01m
2 Strictly Come Dancing - Sat BBC1 - 12.28m
3 The Great British Bake-Off - Tues Channel Four - 8.40m
4 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.68m
5 The Apprentice - Wed BBC1 - 6.79m
6 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 6.75m
7 Emmerdale - Tues ITV - 6.41m
8= Doc Martin - Wed ITV - 6.30m
8= The X-Factor - Sat ITV - 6.30m
10 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.78m
11 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.56m
12 Pointless Z-List Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 5.42m
13 The Last Post - Sun BBC1 - 5.18m
14 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.06m
15 Our Girl: Nepal Tour - Tues BBC1 - 4.90m
16 Gunpowder - Sat BBC1 - 4.72m
17 Have I Got News For You - Fri BBC1 - 4.65m
18 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 4.33m
19 Paul O'Grady's For The Love Of Dogs - Thurs ITV - 4.32m
20 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.22m
21 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 3.97m
22 Eat Well For Less? - Wed BBC1 - 3.92m
23 Match Of The Day - Sat BBC1 - 3.70m
24 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 3.69m
25 Bad Move - Wed ITV - 3.57m
These consolidated figures - published weekly by the British Audience Research Bureau - include all viewers who watched programmes live and on various forms of catch-up TV and video-on-demand during the seven days after initial broadcast. They do not, however, include those who watched on BBC's iPlayer or ITV Player via their computers. Which is shame but, there you go. What can yer actual Keith Telly Topping do about it, dear blog reader, he's just one man? The return of Sir David Attenborough to BBC1 brought in the largest consolidated audience for any TV show on any channel this year so far. Deservedly so, too. The Sunday night Strictly Come Dancing results episode had a consolidated audience of 10.23 million punters. Given that the ratings for all episodes of this year's competition so far have been up on the equivalent episodes from 2016, with each passing week that exceptionally silly woman at the Gruniad Morning Star who claimed, before a single episode had even been broadcast, that Strictly Come Dancing was 'in a fight for its survival' looks more and more like a complete and total numbskull. As with virtually everything else that appears in the Gruniad Morning Star, frankly. The X-Factor - which, despite some of its lowest ever audiences during this series probably isn't 'in a fight for its survival' either, at least not yet - drew a total of 5.19 million viewers for its Sunday results episode. Autumnwatch dominated BBC2's weekly list, with the four episodes of the popular nature programme taking four of the top five positions - 3.07 million,2.51 million, 2.34 million and 2.23 million. Elizabeth I's Secret Agents was the programme to break the Autumnwatch stranglehold on Beeb2's Top Five, attracting 2.46 million. Louis Theroux: Talking To Anorexia had 2.19 million, Gardeners' World, also 2.19 million, Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two, 1.98 million and Only Connect, 1.96 million. The Apprentice - You're Fired! was watched by 1.79 million, University Challenge by 1.76 million, Harry Potter: A History Of Magic by 1.72 million, Mastermind by 1.66 million, From The North favourite Qi by 1.62 million, Match Of The Day: Under-Seventeens World Cup Final, by 1.48 million, W1A, by 1.47 million and Dad's Army, by 1.35 million. Channel Four's highest-rated broadcast was, of course, for The Great British Bake Off. Gogglebox (3.15 million), Z-List Celebrity Hunted (2.79 million) and Grand Designs (1.89 million) followed. First Dates had 1.88 million viewers, the controversial My Week As A Muslim, 1.77 million, Travel Man: Forty Eight Hours In Valencia, 1.70 million, The Great British Bake-Off: An Extra Slice, 1.64 million, The Last Leg With Adam Hills, 1.52 million, Great Canal Journeys, 1.51 million, F1: Mexican Grand Prix Highlights, 1.49 million and Feral Families, 1.39 million. When Harry Met Meghan: A Royal Romance was seen by 1.20 million punters. As was every bit as bad the title suggests. Channel Five's top performer was Ben Fogle: New Lives In The Wild, with an audience of 1.91 million. Paddington Station 24/7, The Yorkshire Vet, Rich House, Poor House and GPs: Behind Closed Doors rounded-off Five's list with audiences of 1.83 million, 1.66 million, 1.41 million and 1.20 million. Eight Days That Made Rome was watched by nine hundred and eighty four thousand and Tony Robinson: Coast To Coast, by nine hundred and thirty two thousand. Following the last the international break, the return of some proper footie on the Sky Sports Premier League channel brought audiences of three hundred and seventy one thousand for Leicester City's pants-down hiding of Everton Soft Toffees. Six hundred and sixty five punters watched on Sky Sports Main Event. Meanwhile, the Saturday game, The Scum's narrow victory over Stottingtot Hotshots had two hundred and ninety thousand on SS:PL, plus six hundred and six thousand on Main Event. Further Premier League action, Brighton & Hove Albino's draw with Southampton was watched by two hundred and ninety seven thousand on Main Event and an additional one hundred and ninety four thousand on SS: PL. West Hamster United's unexpected victory against Stottingtot Hotshots Reserves in the 'Whatever-It's-Called-This-Year' Cup attracted two hundred and sixty thousand to Sky Sports Football (and five hundred and thirty six thousand on SS: Main Event). The big top-of-the-table Championship clash of the weekend, Dirty Leeds against Sheffield United drew three hundred and thousand on Main Event and one hundred and eight thousand on Sky Sports Football. The second-city derby between Birmingham and Aston Villains had two hundred and fifty three thousand on Sky Sports Football. Gillette Soccer Saturday was seen by one hundred and sixty six thousand on the Premier League channel, two hundred and sixteen thousand on Sky Sports Football and four hundred and forty six thousand on Sky Sports News. On Sky Sports Cricket the channel's highest audience of the week was live coverage of the India Versus New Zealand ODI with thirty three thousand. A similar audience watched the T20 fixture between South Africa and Bangladesh. Don't worry, guys, The Ashes starts soon. Live Mexican Grand Prix coverage was viewed by seven hundred and ninety seven thousand punters on Sky Sports F1 and a further three hundred and thirty four thousand on the Sky Sports Main Event simultcast. Live WWE Late Night Raw attracted fifty seven thousand viewers on Sky Sports Arena. Sky 1's weekly top-ten was headed by the opening episode of the much-trailed Marvel's Inhumans with 1.12 million viewers. Modern Family had eight hundred and forty seven thousand and The Flash, eight hundred and twenty five thousand. Worthless, rancid stream of festering spew A League Of Their Own, attracted eight hundred and nineteen thousand punters - every single one of whom needs a damned good hiding, frankly. Plus a brain scan for any remote signs of common sense, dignity or self-worth. The equally unfunny Bounty Hunters - also featuring lanky, unfunny streak of piss Jack Whitehall - drew seven hundred and forty eight thousand. For shame, people of Great Britain, for shame. Another man who, seemingly, believes his own hype, the host of The Russell Howard Hour, was seen by six hundred and eighty six thousand. Still, at least DC's Legends Of Tomorrow, Supergirl and Arrow all featured in the top ten whilst Sing: Ultimate A Cappella did not. So, it would appear that the British viewing public does, sometimes, recognise a stinking, foul turd when they are presented with one. Sky Arts' Landscape Artist Of The Year was viewed by two hundred and thirty thousand viewers. Too Young To Die drew sixty four thousand punters. Sky Atlantic's list was topped by Ray Donovan with one hundred and eighty thousand. Tin Star had one hundred and fifty eight thousand, The Deuce, one hundred and forty seven thousand, Curb Your Enthusiasm, one hundred and one thousand, Spielberg, ninety seven thousand and the latest Game Of Thrones repeat, ninety two thousand. On Sky Living, Criminal Minds drew by eight hundred and thirty nine thousand whilst possibly the most-trailed drama in Sky's History, The Good Doctor, had seven hundred and twenty three thousand. Chicago Fire attracted four hundred and eighty seven thousand. Live By Night was watched by one hundred and fifty two thousand punters on Sky Cinema Premiere. Midsomer Murders was ITV3's top-rated drama (seven hundred and seventy eight thousand viewers). Foyle's War was seen by six hundred and eleven thousand and Lewis by three hundred and eighty six thousand. Coverage of Darts: European Championship Live was seen by four hundred and sixteen thousand on ITV4. ITV Racing drew three hundred and sixty seven thousand. ITV2's top-ten was headed by full-of-its-own-importance bucket of diarrhoea, Z-List Celebrity Juice, seen by 1.56 million sad, crushed victims of society. Family Guy had 1.06 million. The movies Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King and Hotel Transylvania attracted nine hundred and twenty eight thousand and eight hundred and twenty three thousand, respectively. Vera headed ITV Encore's top ten with eighty thousand viewers, followed by Scott & Bailey (thirty eight thousand) and DCI Banks (thirty two thousand). Shallow and appalling The Only Way Is Essex, was viewed by eight hundred and sixty five thousand of exactly the sort of specimens who enjoy such risible and ugly exercises in z-list-celebrity-by-non-entity on ITVBe. Similarly tripe conceit, The Real Housewives Of Cheshire was seen by five hundred and seventy three thousand. Broken Britain in a sentence, dear blog reader. BBC4's list was headed by Top Of The Pops: 1977 - The Big Hits (five hundred and twenty five thousand) and The Viet'Nam War (five hundred and twenty three thousand). The Natural World had four hundred and eighty two thousand. Beck: The Hospital Murders drew four hundred and sixty one thousand, The Monastery, four hundred and fifty seven thousand and Legends Of The Deep: Giant Squid, four hundred and twenty six thousand. Wild China attracted four hundred and eight thousand. 5USA's latest Chicago PD episode was viewed by seven hundred and thirty three thousand punters, NCIS: Los Angeles by six hundred and three thousand, Castle by four hundred and fifty six thousand, Bull by three hundred and eighty four thousand and Longmire by three hundred and sixty four thousand. On Five Star, Home & Away scored four hundred and nineteen thousand. Diagnosis Murder and NCIS topped the most-watched broadcasts of CBS Action (ninety eight thousand and ninety six thousand). Medium attracted one hundred and one thousand on CBS Drama. For FOX's sake, The Walking Dead's latest episode was watched by a whopping 1.19 million. The Gifted had five hundred and forty two thousand, Talking Dead, three hundred and fifty three thousand, American Horror Story: Cult, two hundred and ninety three thousand and Lucifer, two hundred and thirty seven thousand. Law & Order: Special Victims Unit continued with two hundred and sixty eight thousand viewers on The Universal Channel. On Dave, the third episode of Red Dwarf XII give the channel another bumper audience, 1.19 million punters. Smeggin' Hell! Funny as a geet ugly boil on ones bell-end, Taskmaster was watched by five hundred and ninety three thousand very undiscerning punters. Another example of laughless tripe, Zapped was seen by four hundred and seven thousand. Qi XL had two hundred and seventy two thousand. Drama's The Brokenwood Mysteries attracted five hundred and fourteen thousand viewers and Inspector George Gently, five hundred and eleven thousand. Death In Paradise was seen by four hundred and seventy five thousand, Father Brown, by four hundred and sixty three thousand and New Tricks, four hundred and forty two thousand. Drama Channel staples, Death In Paradise (one hundred and sixty two thousand) and Inspector George Gently (one hundred and twenty eight thousand) also appeared in the weekly top-ten of Alibi. Sony TV's weekly list was headed by the movie Jumanji (seventy thousand) and by Orange Is The New Black (thirty five thousand). Yesterday's repeat run of Porridge drew two hundred and twenty one thousand, whilst Life In Cold Blood attracted two hundred and twenty thousand and both The Hunt and Supergiant Animals, one hundred and seventy nine thousand. Your TV's Body Of Proof brought in eighty nine thousand. Cold Justice had eighty one thousand and Bones, seventy five thousand. On the Discovery Channel, Gold Rush was seen by three hundred and sixty one thousand viewers who enjoy watching large men with large beards bellowing at the camera like a bunch of kids. Garage Rehab had one hundred and sixty eight thousand, Misfit Garage, one hundred and forty thousand, Alaska: The Last Frontier, one hundred and fifteen thousand and Russian Yeti: The Killer Lives, sixty six thousand. Wor Geet Canny Robson Green's Ultimate Catch had fifty nine thousand. From The North cult fave Wheeler Dealers appeared in the weekly top tens of both Discovery Shed (thirty one thousand) and Discovery Turbo (twenty one thousand). Discovery History's Battle Castle With Dan Snow headed the top ten with thirty thousand thousand. Showdown: Air Combat attracted twenty six thousand. On Discovery Science, How It's Made was seen by thirty six thousand. Salvage Hunters on Quest was watched by four hundred and sixteen thousand whilst Railroad Australia was viewed by two hundred and fifty thousand. Pick's Warehouse Thirteen had an audience of three hundred and forty three thousand. National Geographic's list was headed, as usual, by channel staples Air Crash Investigations and Megastructures. They were watched by one hundred and seven thousand and forty six thousand respectively. National Geographic Wild's Wild Africa: Lions Versus Buffalo was watched by thirty eight thousand. The History Channel's most-seen programmes were WW2 Treasure Hunters (one hundred and fifty three thousand) and Ice Road Truckers (one hundred and two thousand). Ancient Aliens on the Military History channel was viewed by thirty five thousand. The thoroughly sick Jo Frost On Britain's Killer Kids, A Town & Country Murder, Unusual Suspects and Homicide: Hours To Kill were Crime & Investigation's top-rated programmes with eighty five thousand, sixty six thousand, fifty eight thousand and fifty thousand blood-and-snots-lovers, respectively. From The North's current favourite afternoon distraction, Homicide Hunter drew thirty seven thousand. Guilty Rich, American Monster, Deadline Crime: With Tamron Hall and Six Degrees Of Murderisation headed Investigation Discovery's list (one hundred thousand, seventy nine thousand, seventy one thousand and sixty six thousand respectively). Martin Kemp's Murder Files was watched by forty one thousand people who, presumably, thought this was a documentary about the back-stage goings-on during the final Spandau Ballet tour. Tragically, it wasn't. GOLD's repeat run of the bogglingly popular The Vicar Of Dibley - an alleged comedy which this blogger always considered to be about as funny as the death of a close relative - had one hundred and seventy five thousand punters. Who are easily pleased, it would appear. Comedy Central's largest audience of the week was for the equally laughless Impractical Jokers with three hundred and eighty six thousand.This is what Americans think is funny, seemingly. Mind you, look at whom they elected President and then tell this blogger it's a country that doesn't do irony. On More4, Nine-Nine-Nine: On The Frontine was the highest-rated programme with three hundred and sixty four thousand. Obsessive Compulsive Country House Clean had three hundred and thirty six thousand (why, for the love of God, why?) and The Dambusters' Great Escape, three hundred and thirteen thousand. E4's list was topped by a new series of The Big Bang Theory 2.42 million, by a distance the largest multichannels audience of the week. Hollyoaks had nine hundred and fifty six thousand. Keeping Up With The Kardashians attracted one hundred and ninety one thousand viewers on E! whilst Total Bellas had seventy four thousand. The latest episode of The Exorcist, headed Syfy's top-ten with one hundred and forty six thousand whilst Blood Drive was watched by one hundred and nine thousand. The Horror Channel's weekly list was topped by several episode of Star Trek: Voyager - horrible, certainly, but horror? - the most-watched one being seen by one hundred and seventy one thousand. The Ninth Gate was viewed by one hundred and thirty seven thousand. One of this blogger's favourite movies - horror, or otherwise - Freddie Francis's 1964 classic Doctor Terror's House Of Horrors attracted one hundred and eight thousand. 'Room for one more?' Another schlock portmanteau cracker from the same company - Amicus - The Vault Of Horror had one hundred and three thousand. Out Of The Fog, an episode of The Human Jungle, A Cry From The Streets and The Night My Number Came In topped Talking Pictures list, with seventy seven thousand, sixty six thousand, fifty six thousand and fifty four thousand respectively. The A-Team had one hundred and ninety two thousand on Spike. Born In The Wild was viewed by thirty thousand on Eden, whilst Wild Canada had twenty eight thousand. Alaska: The Last Frontier was the Animal Planet's most-watched programme with forty six thousand. MasterChef Australia on W attracted three hundred and sixteen thousand punters. True Crime's Murder was seen by fifty two thousand viewers. Psychic Detectives drew forty one thousand. On True Entertainment, M*A*S*H, was watched by one hundred and forty eight thousand punters. Rich Stein's India was seen by seventy three thousand on Good Food. TLC's list was headed by Ninety Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? (one hundred and fourteen thousand). Dalziel & Pascoe was seen by ninety seven thousand on Home. Nova topped PBS America's weekly list with thirty seven thousand. Tesla -which this blogger watched his very self and found to be really rather good - was seen by thirty two thousand. Shameful toot Teen Mom 2 on MTV was viewed by two hundred and sixty four thousand planks whilst equally worthless Just Tattoo Us had two hundred and fifty seven thousand. Ghost Adventures was seen by two hundred and forty three thousand on Really. For a channel with that particular name, they appear to show an awful lot of programmes about non-existent subjects. Tom & Jerry had one hundred and seventeen thousand viewers on Boomerang. Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated attracted ninety seven thousand. Zoinks! On Cbeebies, Sarah & Duck was seen by four hundred and fifty seven thousand, Apple Tree House by four hundred and thirty nine thousand, Go Jetters by four hundred and thirty three thousand and Peter Rabbit by four hundred and twelve thousand. Alvinnn!!! & The Chipmunks had one hundred and ninety eight thousand on the Pop Channel. On AMC, Halt & Catch Fire was watched by twelve thousand. Pawn Stars drew one hundred and sixteen thousand punters on Blaze. Britain's Next Top Model pulled in one hundred and forty one thousand on Lifetime. Ireland West Music TV was seen by twenty seven thousand on Keep It Country. Airwolf drew thirty six thousand on Forces TV. The Secret History Of Our Streets attracted fifty three thousand on London Live whilst yet another of this blogger's favourite horror movies, Hammer's camp-as-Butlins Doctor Jekyll & Sister Hyde had forty four thousand. They seem to be having something of a Hammer-fest down in The Smoke at the moment as London Live also broadcast another stormer, 1967's Frankenstein Created Woman (twenty five thousand). Swelter drew ninety eight thousand to the Movies 4 Men channel and Shady Lady attracted eighty seven thousand. A Journey Back To Christmas was watched by ninety one thousand punters on Movies24. On 28 October, dear blog reader. Hanging's too good for 'em.

The opening episode of Blue Planet II won the overnight TV ratings battle on Sunday evening - beating both Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor. The documentary series, narrated by Sir David Attenborough, was watched by an average of 10.3 million live viewers. Subsequent timeshift viewers upped this figure, as noted above, to over fourteen million. The Strictly results show, broadcast just before Blue Planet II, attracted an average of 9.6 million overnight viewers. Sunday evening's The X Factor was seen by 4.3 million live viewers. The figures for all shows did, of course, increase when viewers watching catch-up services like iPlayer were included. This weekend marked the first two live shows of this series for The X Factor - but Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef from Crossroads was absent from both. He was injured after falling down a staircase in his home on Friday. Which was, of course, very sad.

The Great British Bake Off finale was seen by a live audience of 7.3 million, overnight viewing figures show. The viewing figures came in spite of Prue Leith accidentally tweeting the name of the winner ten hours early. It was Channel Four's highest overnight ratings since the Paralympics Opening Ceremony in 2012. That broadcast saw an average 7.7 million tune in. But the Bake Off ratings are considerably lower than the fourteen million punters who watched BBC1 in 2016 to see Candice Brown crowned that year's Bake Off champion. That figure rose to a final and consolidated audience of 15.9 million when those watching on catch-up services were included. This year's final saw Sophie Faldo crowned the winner. She beat Kate Lyon and Steven Carter-Bailey to the title, with her multilayered honey-bee cake showstopper proving too sweet for the judges to resist. Alex Mahon, chief executive at Channel Four, said that Leith, fellow judge Paul Hollywood and presenters The Bloody Weirdo Noel Fielding and Sandi Toksvig had 'served up a showstopper of a series. I am delighted that they'll all be back in the tent on Channel Four next year,' she added. There was a peak audience of 8.3 million just before 9pm on Tuesday when the final three had finished their showstopper bakes, but before the judges had tried them. Channel Four said that the final was seen by an average of two million in the sixteen to thirty four age group, with a 57.5 per cent share of that audience - adding that it was 'the biggest series' for 'young audiences' on any UK channel this year. They added that the overnight series average of 6.2 million is the largest Channel Four has seen since Big Fat Gypsy Weddings in 2011. The viewing figures for most episodes rise to about the mid-eight million range when counting everyone who saw an episode of Bake Off over a seven-day period. Leith 'accidentally' revealed the show's winner, hours before the finale is due to be broadcast. She announced the name of a winner in a tweet, after saying how 'emotional' judging the final had been. The tweet was hastily deleted, but not before many people had noticed and remarked upon the gaffe. Leith has 'expressed regret' for her mistake, saying she was 'mortified' by the error.

The Cold Feet revival shows no sign of abating, with ITV announcing another series of the comedy drama. Production on the new six-part series - the third since the show returned in 2016 after a thirteen-year absence - will begin next spring in Manchester. James Nesbitt, John Thomson, Hermione Norris, Fay Ripley and Robert Bathurst are all set to return. Series creator Mike Bullen said that he was 'delighted' viewers still felt 'invested' in his 'imperfect heroes. We've got plenty of trials and tribulations in store for them as they navigate their way through middle age,' he said in a statement.

Freeview has said that 'high air pressure' was the cause of disruption being experienced by some of its users in England and Wales in the early part of this week. The service provides access to digital TV channels through aerials, making it possible to watch programmes without a satellite or cable subscription. The Downdetector website indicates the issue began on Tuesday evening. Some viewers whinged they missed The Great British Bake Off final as a consequence. Others, that they missed programmes which actually matter. TV and Radio signals can be affected by atmospheric conditions, including high air pressure. On Freeview, this may result in temporary picture break-up (pixelation) or viewers may receive signals from outside of their area. On Radio, the consequences can include a week signal or complete loss of service. 'We recommend that you do not retune your equipment, as reception will return to normal once the weather changes,' the platform posted on its website. 'TV and radio signals can be affected by atmospheric conditions, including high air pressure (which brings fine weather), heavy rain or snow.' A spokesman for the service told the BBC that the situation was 'uncommon but unpredictable. It is impossible for us to say [how many people have been affected] but it's clear the disruption has been widespread across England and Wales,' he added. This blogger feels it necessary to report, at this juncture, that although Stately Telly Topping Manor's Sky reception was right up the spout on several channels that this blogger normally enjoys watching (ITV3 and ITV4, Sony TV, Sky Atlantic, Discovery and Dave), his Freeview reception was, for the most part, unaffected. 'The good news is that during the course of the day the issue has lessened as the weather front moves through,' the statement continued. Weather forecasts suggest the problem would continue through the middle of the week, but a weak weather front moved in from the North on Thursday morning which was estimated to be 'more favourable for transmissions.'

Last Tango In Halifax fans, it appears as though the comedy-drama series is has concluded. Writer Sally Wainwright's series last broadcast two Christmas specials in 2016 and was alleged to return for more, but now Sir Derek Jacobi has told the Radio Times that Last Tango In Halifax is 'finished. We did a Christmas special last Christmas, which we thought was the beginning of another series, but no,' the actor said. Derek put the end of Last Tango In Halifax down to Wainwright's extremely busy schedule juggling multiple high-profile TV projects. 'She's written out, she's writing so many things,' Jacobi explained. 'She's a wonderful writer, but she's got so much work that Tango is finished. It's very sad, we all loved it.' Wainwright is currently working on BBC1 and HBO's co-production Gentleman Jack, which will feature her Scott & Bailey star Suranne Jones as the pioneering businesswoman Anne Lister. Plus, the writer is also re-teaming with Sarah Lancashire for another series of the BAFTA Award-winning Happy Valley at some point in the next two years.

The ONE Show's shrieking Welsh thing Alex Jones has revealed her reaction to the news that she was paid fifty grand a year less than her co-presenter Matt Baker. Talking to the Mirra, Jones admitted that she was 'shocked' (and 'stunned') by the news, adding that she and Baker had never 'discussed wages' together. And, now you know why not.

This criminal justice twist on the 24 format would follow the prosecutor in real-time as she unravels a conspiracy to execute a potentially innocent death-row inmate, who she unwittingly had a hand in putting away, a report has claimed. If this format were to be a ratings hit, FOX would move ahead with an anthology format where each new season used the twenty four-hour clock to tell different kinds of stories. This radical shift was first mooted by FOX chairmen David Madden and Dana Walden at the recent TCA press tour as a way to reinvigorate the franchise after the disastrous Jack Bauer-less spin-off 24: Legacy proved to be such a critical and commercial flop. 'We are really exploring what the future, the next version of 24 might be, maybe in more anthological storytelling,' Walden told reporters. She also addressed moving away from the terrorism theme: 'I think that partly what is exciting is, we're opening up the possibility of it being anything where that twenty four-hour clock is at the most critical period of a story, so I don't want to limit them.' This anthology format is the latest in a series of ideas that producers have come up with to branch out beyond the traditional twenty four episodic series. A few years ago, a feature film adaptation was considered but was ultimately dropped, at least in part because producers felt it would be too complicated to port over the running clock on the big screen.

Amazon has announced the release date for series two of The Grand Tour in the most high-octane way possible, with a new trailer. The trailer, with a soundtrack of Wings' 'Live and Let Die', features plenty of exotic locations and cars so expensive that one would have to mortgage ones house to afford the steering wheel. As with last year's series, The Grand Tour's second run will be available exclusively to Amazon Prime members and will have episodes released weekly, following the premiere date of 8 December. This year, the studio tent has a permanent home in the Cotswolds as opposed to travelling around with the hosts, although fans from across the globe were able to apply for tickets for the studio segments. This series was even more planet-hopping than previously, with Jezza Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May visiting Croatia, Mozambique, Dubai, Spain, Switzerland, Colorado and New York City. And, breaking at least one record.

The X-Files' eleventh - and, probably last - series has cast Academy Award-nominated Sixth Sense star Haley Joel Osment for a mysterious role in the upcoming episodes, the network confirmed to TVLine. The name of Osment's character is being kept under wraps, but he will reportedly be appearing in an episode centred around the origins of FBI Assistant Director Skinner (Mitch Pileggi).

Carol Vorderman has claimed that she hasn't been allowed to return to the Countdown studio since she left. Vorderman left the long-running Channel Four show back in 2008, being replaced by Rachel Riley. In this week's OK! magazine, she explained why you won't be seeing her on the show any time soon. And, this bollocks constitutes 'news', apparently. Well, it does in OK! magazine, anyway.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has criticised Nigella Lawson - she has her knockers - for the way she prepares her breakfast - and has provided what he thinks is a superior recipe. Corbyn appeared on a special charrriddeee episode of Channel Four's Gogglebox on Friday evening, in which he was, seemingly, 'aghast' (at least, that's what the Torygraph claimed) at the way the chef uses a tea strainer to prepare her 'signature' breakfast dish of Turkish eggs. Criticising Nigella's poached eggs, the Labour leader shook his head in exasperation: 'You don't do egg whites that way!' he exclaimed as she cracked an egg into a tea strainer. 'That's ridiculous!' he continued. 'You know how to do egg white. You break the egg, pour it from one to the other, one to the other then you have the egg, you have the white! What the Hell do you use a tea strainer for?' He then revealed his favourite recipe: 'What I like is a coddled egg. You get a pot, put a little bit of olive oil in, put some herbs in, break your egg in then add on top chopped spinach, sliced very thin cheese, screw the lid down, stand it in hot water for seven-and-a-half minutes, take it out, put it in a plate and eat it with a spoon. Delicious.' Corbyn said that he did not think Nigella Lawson - she has her knockers - would 'approve' of his recipe, telling his companion, the actress Jessica Hynes: 'I think she'd say you've done it so much wrong. She wouldn't be doing my coddled eggs.' The two shared crisps, biscuits and fruit as they attempted to get some University Challenge questions right. His spirits were lifted by the BBC documentary Blue Planet II and the Labour leader heaped praise on Sir David Attenborough. He said: 'Attenborough is so good isn't he? We just know so little about the ocean, that's why Attenborough is so good.'

Were you finally getting used to the grown-up Poison Ivy in Gotham, dear blog reader? Too bad, because the character is getting yet another recast. When the eco-terrorist turns up again in Gotham City after the New Year, she will be looking a lot like former The Flash cast member Peyton List. Peyton will be stepping into the shoes most recently worn by Maggie Geha, who played the classic Batman villain in Gotham's third series (and a couple of episodes at the beginning of the, current, fourth).

The BBC have confirmed the launch date for series four of cult favourite Peaky Blinders as Wednesday 15 November 15 at 9pm.

Newsnight editor Ian Katz is leaving the BBC to become director of programmes at Channel Four. In an e-mail sent to the Newsnight team, Katz said that he was 'excited' to be taking up the new role but 'incredibly sad' to be leaving the current affairs show. Katz has been at the helm of BBC2's late-night news programme since 2013 and has overseen major changes there. The fifty-year-old previously had a career in print journalism and was deputy editor of the Gruniad Morning Star. In the e-mail, Katz said: 'The last four years have been some of the toughest of my professional career, but also undoubtedly the most rewarding.' He added that the Newsnight team were 'the most remarkable group of journalists and people - ridiculously talented, relentlessly contrary, extraordinarily warm and occasionally, very funny.' Katz said that he would still enjoy watching the show 'religiously' and would 'admire' it 'from afar.' Katz oversaw a number of changes to the Newsnight on-air line-up, including the departure of Jezza Paxman after twenty five years of being geet rude to politicians on the programme. In an interview with the Evening Standard in 2014, Katz admitted he 'hadn't seen eye-to-eye' with the notoriously grumpy presenter and said that the pair had 'endured robust exchanges' during their time together. Katz is credited with bringing a host of key talent to the BBC, including recruiting Laura Kuenssberg from ITV. And, he brought in new presenters including Evan Davis and LBC's James O'Brien. Katz will start his new role in January, taking over from Ralph Lee. His successor at Newsnight is yet to be announced.

Harriet Harman has been urged to apologise for repeating an offensive joke about the Holocaust on BBC TV. The Labour MP read out the 'joke' as an example of one she had complained about some years ago. The Jewish Leadership Council said it was 'a staggering error of judgement' to repeat it 'irrespective of the point she was trying to make.' Harman later tweeted that it was 'no laughing matter' and that such jokes 'perpetuate discrimination and hatred.' The former Labour deputy leader appeared on BBC's This Week programme and repeated the joke in a segment about humour which offends people. Referring to a story she recounts in her memoir A Woman's Work, she said: 'I've long been accused of being humourless and a humourless feminist and I'll give you two examples that I protested about, because they were offensive and hurtful.' She annoyed host Andrew Neil by saying: 'People like Andrew say that things like this are perfectly all right.' She was cut short by Neil after telling the first joke - which she said was 'not funny' - and the presenter reprimanded her for suggesting that he would think it was acceptable. He later told the Labour MP to 'be quiet.' The chief executive of the Jewish Leadership Council Simon Johnson said: 'I cannot recall being so disappointed in a politician. Harriet Harman must surely know better than to repeat a vile Holocaust joke, irrespective of the point she was trying to make. She must apologise and do so quickly. It is a staggering error of judgment.' Neil later tweeted that he was 'appalled and even a little bit upset by what she said.' He added: 'What was wrong was one) even to tell that so called joke on live TV. Two) Claim I would like the joke. Appalling on both counts.' Harman tweeted a page from her book, in which she recounts two offensive jokes that appeared in a Guy's Hospital rag magazine years ago, which she went on to refer to the Director of Public Prosecutions. In her book, she wrote that she had been condemned 'for overreacting and being humourless.' But, she added, 'the Jewish community and local black and Asian organisations were deeply appreciative when the hospital apologised.'

Coronation Street actor Bruno Langley has been very charged with two counts of sexual assault. Police were called to reports that a woman in her thirties had been sexually assaulted at a music venue in Manchester on 1 October. Langley is due to appear at Manchester Magistrates' Court on 28 November. The actor left Corrie following an internal inquiry, ITV said. A Greater Manchester Police spokesperson said that the force 'received a report that a woman in her thirties had been sexually assaulted at a music venue on Swan Street in the Northern Quarter.' In a statement on Sunday, Langley confirmed that he had left Coronation Street but denied any wrongdoing. He said: 'Sadly, I will no longer be working on Coronation Street. Acting on the show has been the fulfilment of a personal dream. I will make a further statement in due course and when I am able to do so.' The actor played Todd Grimshaw, the first openly gay character in the soap's fifty seven-year history, after first joining the programme in 2001. He also appeared on two episodes of Doctor Who in 2005. It is understood that Langley's contract with the show was cancelled on 26 October following the inquiry.

The Netflix series House Of Cards has announced that it will suspend production following sexual assault allegations against Kevin Spacey. Which will, obviously, be a crushing blow to the box-set bores at the Gruniad Morning Star who appear to want to crow-bar a reference to House Of Cards into virtually every article they write on the subject of television. Spacey, who stars in the political drama, has been accused of making sexual advances to a fourteen-year-old boy. The drama had already said that it would end after the current series, but now say that they will 'permanently suspend production' and have hastened to sever all ties with Spacey. The Old Vic Theatre in London where Spacey worked for eleven years say they are 'deeply dismayed' by the allegations. The Old Vic said in a statement: 'We aim to foster a safe and supportive environment without prejudice, harassment or bullying of any sort, at any level.' The decision to end House Of Cards was announced in a joint statement by Netflix and Media Rights Capital, the production company which makes the series. 'MRC and Netflix have decided to suspend production on House Of Cards season six, until further notice, to give us time to review the current situation and to address any concerns of our cast and crew.' The announcement comes after Star Trek: Discovery actor Anthony Rapp on Sunday accused Spacey of 'inappropriately touching' him when he was fourteen years old. Spacey, who is also executive director of House Of Cards, said that he owed Rapp, now forty six, 'a sincere apology' for what he said would have been 'deeply inappropriate drunken behaviour.' Spacey also announced that he was now living 'as a gay man,' but the Oscar-winning actor has been widely criticised for choosing this moment to come out. A Netflix representative said that the decision to end the series in 2018 had been 'made months ago.' Production on the series has been 'shut down indefinitely,' as writers reportedly 'look into ways to continue the Golden Globe-winning political drama without its leading man.' The first two episodes of series six had been filmed prior to the work stoppage. According to Variety magazine, producers are 'considering a spin-off series' (which other media outlets suggest could involve pretty much everyone except Spacey). According to The Hollywood Reporter, the 'prevailing option being discussed at the moment' is to completely write out Kevin Spacey's character, Francis Underwood and shift focus entirely to Claire Underwood (Robin Wright). The first series of House Of Cards garnered nine EMMY nominations, becoming the first online streaming series to win such mainstream accolades. Friday brought reports in the Sun that a man had made a complaint on Tuesday about the alleged incident involving Spacey in the London borough of Lambeth. The Metropolitan Police confirmed that they are investigating an alleged assault on a man from 2008.

Rose McGowan claims that she was offered a million bucks by Harvey Weinstein in exchange for her silence. McGowan alleges that she turned down the offer on the day before the New York Times ran their now infamous exposé on the movie mogul and his, alleged, nefarious skulduggery. She told the paper through her lawyer that 'someone close to Weinstein' said she could have the money if she would sign a non-disclosure agreement. McGowan - whom this blogger has been a big admirer of for a decade or more - is one of several women to accuse Weinstein of rape and other naughty shenanigans. He has denied all allegations of non-consensual sex. The original exposé story, published on 5 October, was followed by multiple allegations from dozens of women accusing the Hollywood producer of sexual harassment, assault and, generally, being a very naughty man. Weinstein, through a spokeswoman, says that he 'unequivocally denies allegations of non-consensual sex.' The New York Times's original story alleged that McGowan had reached a 'one hundred thousand dollar settlement' with Weinstein following 'an incident in a hotel room' during the 1997 Sundance Film Festival. Rose later accused Weinstein on Twitter of raping her before confirming her allegations to the The Hollywood Reporter. In this weekend's New York Times story, McGowan says that she 'learned over the summer' that her original one hundred thousand smackers settlement did not include a confidentiality clause. It was in late September this year that the million dollar offer allegedly came from the Weinstein camp and Rose claims that she 'spent several days considering it' before turning down the deal the day before the New York Times story broke. 'I had all these people I'm paying telling me to take it so that I could fund my art,' McGowan told the newspaper. She then said that she went back and asked for six million dollars but, later, told her lawyer to pull the offer. 'I figured I could probably have gotten him up to three [million dollars],' she said. 'But I was like - ew, gross, you're disgusting, I don't want your money, that would make me feel disgusting.' Meanwhile, the New York Times has also reported that allegations against Weinstein dating from the 1970s have surfaced for the first time. Weinstein was a concert promoter in Buffalo, before moving into the film industry. It was at this time that Hope Exiner d'Amore worked for his company for a few weeks and told the paper that Weinstein raped her in a hotel. 'I told him no,' she said. 'I kept pushing him away. He just wouldn't listen. He just forced himself on me.' In another account from the late-1970s, actress Cynthia Burr claimed that Weinstein tried to kiss her in an elevator before forcing her to perform oral sex on him in a hallway. 'It was just him and me alone,' she said. 'I was fearful I didn't have the wherewithal to get away.'

It's been a very odd week for Rose McGowan. Days after she addressed the Women's Convention in Detroit, urging sexual-assault victims to name and shame their attackers, the outspoken actress has been in the news for another reason. A months-old charge has been surfaced by police in Virginia, who issued an arrest warrant for felony possession of a controlled substance found after personal items Rose allegedly left behind after a 20 January United Airlines flight to Washington Dulles International Airport tested positive for narcotics. The Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority Police Department obtained the warrant on 1 February; however, it remains unclear exactly why it took nearly nine months for it to come to light. Police say that they have 'attempted to contact' McGowan so she can appear in a Loudoun County, court. Though, seemingly, they didn't try very hard. The warrant has since been entered into a national law enforcement database. On Monday, McGowan issued an outraged tweet suggesting that this an attempt to 'silence' her. 'What a load of shit,' she wrote.

NCIS actress Pauley Perrette, who went public earlier this month with her own rape at the hands of a high school classmate, posted a new essay on Tuesday in which she reflected on the reactions of the public after hearing so many personal revelations in the last three weeks. 'I have not spoken to a single female who is shocked by all this news,' she wrote. 'I think a few good men are shocked, but not women. We have dealt with this in every profession, scenario and age since we were born. For real, not a single female has said, "WHAT?" We are all like, "Yup." That's how it is. Been there. And it [sucks].' But Perrette also offered insight into the minds of the people who have endured all of this first hand. 'We are not weak, clueless, stupid, fearful women (and some men),' she emphasised. 'We are humans who were put in impossible positions by predators. Criminals. And guess what? We are calling you out, now. We are an army of survivors.' She taunted, 'Doesn't feel nice? Well, neither did what you did to us. We have found our voices. You should be aware. And this must stop. Hopefully, there won't be more stories to tell.'

The BBC has been accused of ignoring allegations that Chris Evans, the corporation's highest paid star, repeatedly exposed himself to a female colleague. While he was working for Channel Four. Details of the alleged 'sustained sexual harassment,' which allegedly took place during the 1990s (the 1990s weren't alleged, they definitely happened) when Evans was working on Channel Four's The Big Breakfast, were spelled out in an e-mail to Lord Hall, the BBC's Director General. Details of the woman's allegations were published in the Sun. Evans, who denied sexual assault and claimed that he was 'the victim of a witch hunt,' was questioned by police about the allegations last year. The investigation was subsequently dropped by police at the woman's request according to the Torygraph. 'I did this because at the time I was too scared to face him in a court hearing,' the woman claimed. Responding to the allegations relating to Evans, a BBC spokesman said: 'We take these issues very seriously and are committed to dealing with matters responsibly and fairly when they are raised with us. We wouldn't comment on individuals but the matters raised do not relate to a BBC programme and date back more than twenty years and press reports in 2016 stated that the police investigated - including interviewing under caution - and concluded that there was insufficient evidence. For these reasons we do not think that the BBC could have relevant information relating to the allegations made. If an individual has information that might change the police's judgement, then that would be a matter to raise directly with them.'

Theresa May's most senior minister has denied a claim that police found pornography on his computer during a raid on his Westminster office in 2008. First Secretary of State Damian Green said that ex-police chief Bob Quick's claims in The Sunday Times were 'completely untrue' and 'political smears.' And, he claimed police had never told him that any improper material had been found on his parliamentary computer. Quick said that he 'stood' by the claim and would take part in any inquiry. The revelations are the latest in a growing sexual misconduct scandal in Westminster. On Sunday, further details emerged about allegations against Sir Michael Fallon, who earlier this week resigned as Defence Secretary over his behaviour. The Observer reported that Fallon quit shortly after the journalist Jane Merrick told Downing Street Fallon had lunged at her and attempted to kiss her on the lips in 2003 after they had lunch together. On Tuesday, the Sun revealed that Fallon had admitted to repeatedly touching the journalist Julia Hartley-Brewers knee at a conference dinner fifteen years ago. On Thursday evening, it emerged that the Commons leader, Andrea Leadsom, had informed Downing Street earlier in the week about lewd remarks which Fallon had allegedly made to her, a claim he has denied. And Tory MP Daniel Poulter, who represents Central Suffolk and North Ipswich, has been referred to the Conservative Party disciplinary committee after allegations also made in The Sunday Times, which he has denied in full. The allegation regarding Green relates to an inquiry into Home Office leaks which briefly led to his arrest in 2008. Former Metropolitan Police Assistant Commissioner Bob Quick said on Sunday that his officers had found 'pornographic material' on Green's computer in his Commons office after they searched it as part of their controversial investigation - which resulted in no charges. The ex-anti-terror chief said that he had 'made an appointment' to speak to a senior official in the Cabinet Office, which last week launched an inquiry into an unrelated allegation against Green, to discuss the matter. 'I bear no malice to Damian Green,' he told BBC News. Quick, who left his role in 2009 after inadvertently revealing secret documents, accepted that he had not asked officers to report the matter at the time, saying they 'didn't expect to find the material' and were 'in the midst of a very difficult inquiry with a lot of pressure to drop the case.' Green has also denied making sexual advances towards young Tory activist.

Well-known Scottish comedian Billy Connolly has been knighted just a few weeks ahead of his seventy fifth birthday. Connolly has been honoured for services to entertainment and charity. The Duke of Cambridge bestowed the knighthood on The Big Yin at a ceremony at Buckingham Palace. After receiving the award, the comedian said that he was 'stunned' by the tribute. He said: 'I'm kind of numb. It means a great deal to the people around me and the fans.' He added: 'I was at the football last week and I was amazed at the reception I got from the other supporters. It seems to mean a great deal to them, which is lovely.' Asked what he chatted to Prince William about, the comedian said: 'Just, am I still funny? It was lovely - it was kind of personal.' As well as comedy, Connolly has also had a successful acting career, starring in the films Brave, A Series Of Unfortunate Events, Mrs Brown and The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies. In 2013 he announced that he was being treated for the initial symptoms of Parkinson's Disease, admitting that he had started to forget his lines during performances. He was in London on Monday for a Downing Street reception, hosted by Theresa May, marking two hundred years since Doctor James Parkinson's Essay On The Shaking Palsy. He was joined by his wife, Pamela Stephenson.

US President - and hairdo - Donald Trump's Twitter account briefly vanished on Thursday but has since - sadly - been restored, the social media company said. An employee deactivated the account, it added, clarifying that it had been the employees last day in the job. Which is really funny. The account was down for eleven minutes and Twitter is 'now investigating. ' The latest incident has sparked debate about the security of the president's account, given the potential consequences of posts falsely attributed to Trump being published. On Thursday evening, visitors to Trump's page for a short time could only see a message that read 'Sorry, that page doesn't exist!' If only wishing made it so. After the account was restored, Trump's first tweet was about the Republican Party's tax cuts plan. Twitter said it was 'investigating the problem' and 'taking steps' to avoid it happening again. It later said: 'Through our investigation we have learned that this was done by a Twitter customer support employee who did this on the employee's last day. We are conducting a full internal review.' Trump joined Twitter in March 2009 and he has tweeted more than thirty six thousand times. He has been actively using the social media platform to promote his policies and also attack his political opponents both during the presidential campaign in 2016 and since taking office in January. After he appeared to directly threaten North Korea with destruction in a tweet in September, Twitter was forced to justify allowing the post to stand. It said that Trump's tweet was 'newsworthy.' Not to mention terrifying. Trump's allies have also got into hot water over their use of Twitter. Roger Stone, who advised him during his election campaign, was suspended from the network after he used abusive and homophobic language to target journalists, including a gay CNN presenter, Don Lemon. He said he had been told by Twitter that he had violated its rules.

The UK was misled over former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's access to weapons of mass destruction, former Prime Minister Gordon Brown has claimed. Brown suggests that US intelligence, which challenged the extent of Iraq's WMD stockpile, was 'not shared' with the British government and security services before the UK joined the Iraq War. In an extract from his memoir, the ex-Labour leader says 'we were not just misinformed, but misled.' Brown says that he 'became aware' of the 'crucial' paper only after leaving office. The Iraq War - which divided British public opinion - began in March 2003, with the conflict and its aftermath claiming the lives of one hundred and seventy nine UK troops. Britain joined the US-led invasion after both countries jointly accused Saddam Hussein of possessing weapons of mass destruction and having links to terrorism. British intelligence from 2002, seen at the time by the then-Prime Minister Tony Blair and by Brown, suggested Iraq was capable of having such weapons. 'I was told they knew where the weapons were,' Brown writes. 'I remember thinking at the time that it was almost as if they could give me the street name and number where they were located.' But, Brown said that a report commissioned at the time by the then-US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld 'forcibly challenged' this view. He said that it suggested 'other intelligence' had relied 'heavily on analytic assumptions' rather than any actual hard evidence and disproved Iraq's capability to make weapons of mass destruction. 'If I am right that somewhere within the American system the truth about Iraq's lack of weapons was known, then we were not just misinformed but misled on the critical issue, he writes in My Life, Our Times. A seven-year inquiry into the UK's involvement in the Iraq War found Saddam Hussein posed 'no imminent threat' when the US and UK invaded. The Chilcot Report also concluded that 'flawed' intelligence started the war. According to Brown, the UK may never have agreed to take part if the information had been shared. 'Given that Iraq had no usable chemical, biological or nuclear weapons that it could deploy and was not about to attack the coalition, then two tests of a just war were not met: war could not be justified.'

The BBC's political editor, Laura Kuenssberg, said that the abuse and threats she faced were meant to try to silence her, as she spoke out for the first time about the subject since she was assigned a bodyguard during the Labour party conference. Ironically, she did this in a piece in the Gruniad Morning Star, many of whose Middle Class hippy-Communist readers are amongst her most vicious critics, largely because she doesn't appear to lick the shit out of Jeremy Corbyn's arse the way most of the Gruniad's 'journalists' do. Kuenssberg has been subjected to hisses and boos at both Labour and UKiP press conferences this year and received criticism from Conservative supporters, with the Daily Torygraph asking if she is 'the most divisive woman on TV today.' 'I didn't aspire to have the finger pointed at me,' she said at a Jewish Care event on Wednesday. 'What they are trying to do is silence me.' Kuenssberg, who was being interviewed by James Harding, the director of news and current affairs at the BBC, said that she 'would not allow' the sick abuse to have an impact on her job. 'No matter how unpleasant and personal it might be, it is not as bad as what other journalists face around the world in much more difficult circumstances,' she said. In comments first reported by the Jewish Chronicle, she also said that someone in Theresa May's cabinet had 'joked' about the government being 'weak and stable' and that 'in another time' the Prime Minister would have had her sorry ass slung into the gutter along with all the other turds straight after the general erection result. In September, the chairman of the BBC called on politicians and social media companies to 'clamp down' on the 'explicit and aggressive' abuse suffered by BBC journalists with particular reference to the - often aggressively sexist - abuse given to Laura. Sir David Clementi said that some of the abuse occurred 'in plain sight' at press conferences. 'Politicians cannot stand by and watch - they must confront any abuse, and make it clear that it is intolerable,' he said. 'The journalists of the BBC, when abused simply for doing their job, should know they have the determined support of the board to stamp it out.' He called for Facebook and Twitter to do more. 'These days, there is much more abuse. It is increasingly explicit and aggressive, and much of it occurs online,' Clementi said. 'I welcome the work the government is doing to tackle this and I’m following closely the efforts of Twitter and Facebook, amongst others, to clamp down on the perpetrators. I hope the social media platforms do even more.'

Blunderland's piss-poor Championship form is 'a crisis that must be solved,' says the club's chairman Ellis Short. The Mackems sacked manager Simon Grayson, who replaced David Moyes in the summer, just seventeen minutes after their three-three draw with Notlob on Tuesday. The club, relegated from the Premier League last term, are currently twenty second in the Championship table with just one win from fifteen games. As Paul Dobson from the independent supporters' magazine A Love Supreme told the BBC: 'There were two minutes last night when we were in the lead and that's the only time we've been in the lead at home in a league game in 2017 - there are children alive now who weren't conceived when we last won a home game in the league.' 'The frustration goes beyond having just been relegated,' Short told Blunderland's official website. 'We've obviously got a bit of a crisis to solve right now and when things are going this poorly lots of things become issues - maybe things which shouldn't be.' The Black Cats, who travel to The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters in the Tees-Wear derby on Sunday, are understood to want an experienced manager to replace Grayson before the visit of Millwall on 18 November. Although, whether they will actually find one is a different matter entirely. 'We've gone through more than our fair share of managers in recent times yet Grayson manages to trump them all in the speed with which he lost the dressing room and his inability to positively influence a game through tactics,' Gary McLaughlin from the Blunderland fans' website We Are Wearside told BBC Sport. 'Only Sunderland would find a worse manager than David Moyes.' 'I don't believe that this squad of players belongs in the bottom three of the Championship. What's worse is it's not as if we've been putting in great performances and just can't get the ball in the net,' Short added. 'We've given away more goals than all but one team and this is largely with many of the defensive players we had last season in the Premier League. That's not acceptable and our view at the club was that we needed to make the change.' Short has faced criticism from fans this season but says that he is 'monitoring' what is happening at the club, even if he is not present at matches. 'I'm as involved as I've ever been. It is true I am not physically at as many games, which is due to me being more involved in my business life and my family spending time in the US, but I am watching,' Short added. 'Also, I am involved financially. I've put a significant amount of new capital into the club this summer. This didn't go to buy new players, it went to cover losses related to our mistakes of the past.' Short has been Blunderland owner since May 2009 and said that he had 'hired an advisor' this year to 'process' a takeover of the club, but decided to remain in June as he was unhappy with the potential deal with a German consortium. He added: 'I have got the interests of the club at heart and I am not going to do anything that is not good for the club. I do understand the fans want me out, but I am certain that they would not have been happy with that transaction and that's why it wasn't done.'

Marseille have suspended Patrice Evra after he kicked a fan in the head before his side's Europa League defeat at Vitoria Guimaraes on Thursday. Footage showed the thirty six-year-old former The Scum defender aiming an acrobatic kick at a supporter at the side of the pitch during the warm-up. Evra will be interviewed before any disciplinary action is decided. A Marseille statement also condemned the 'unacceptable behaviour' by 'a handful of provocateurs.' European football's governing body UEFA charged France international Evra with violent conduct earlier on Friday, with the full-back suspended for 'at least one game.' French newspaper L'Equipe reported that Marseille supporters had been jeering Evra for about half-an-hour while the players prepared for the game, which the Ligue Un side lost one-nil. The player had gone over to the fans to talk to them but 'the situation escalated.' Evra, who was named as a substitute, was dismissed before kick-off and Marseille began the game with eleven players. 'As a professional and experienced player, Patrice Evra could not respond in such an inappropriate way,' the statement added. 'In addition, the first results of the internal investigation conducted by the club reveal unacceptable behaviour on the part of a handful of provocateurs who uttered particularly serious hateful attacks against the player, even though the latter and his team-mates warmed up for an important game.'

A bus company boss fired his entire workforce with a blunt note telling them: 'Fuck it, I cannot work with you a moment longer.' Managing director Sydney Hardy reportedly shut down Somerset firm Nippy Bus with immediate effect and told staff, thought to include his own daughter, that he wanted to 'pursue my dream of not having to work here.' The sudden closure left twenty seven drivers out of work and affected three hundred children whose school bus service was cancelled with no notice. Local schools and colleges were left rushing to find replacement operators at the last minute to get the pupils to and from lessons. Hardy had run Nippy Bus for thirteen years from the company's headquarters in Martock, a village near Yeovil. In a message to staff through the company's internal memo system, he wrote: 'There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough. I have had enough and realise I cannot work with you, the people I employ, a moment longer. There comes a time in any relationship when you just have to say "Fuck it," say goodbye and move on. This is my time! I am quitting to pursue my dream of not having to work here.' He added that 'all staff should consider themselves dismissed/redundant,' adding: 'The gates are now closed and will not open so you can can stay in your scratchers Monday and have a lie in.' A brief note on the firm's website said that it had 'ceased operating with immediate effect.' It added: 'The company has appointed agents who will now work to release the company's assets and discharge its liabilities.' Driver Steve Atkins from Martock, said that staff were 'in total shock. Nobody expected it,' he said. 'It was a shock to see an e-mail saying you ain't got a job tomorrow.' Hardy's own daughter was reported to be among staff caught unawares by the company's closure. Former colleagues said Nadine Hardy worked in the firm's offices. Dave English told the Daily Scum Mail: 'It seems she's been caught by surprise here, just like the rest of us.' The driver had worked for Nippy Bus for nearly nine years and described the way Hardy announced the the company's closure as 'disgusting.' Staff said that the firm had been 'struggling' after nine drivers quit, forcing bosses to cut up to six routes, earlier this year.

Silly people setting off fireworks on a Northumberland beach sparked concerns that a ship may have been in distress, a lifeboat crew has claimed. The Tynemouth Volunteer Life Brigade received two reports of a red distress flare being spotted over Whitley Bay at about 10.30pm on Friday. The flares were found to be nothing more distressful than fireworks and rockets. It was the second of two calls to flares during the night. 'Teenagers' were also 'lucky not to be hurt' when they misfired a flare at about 9pm, the brigade said. A brigade spokesman added: 'When firing the flares one had misfired and gone straight into the ground. This could have had disastrous consequences for those firing the flare and they can consider themselves very fortunate to have avoided serious injury.' The Cullercoats RNLI Inshore Lifeboat was also called about the flares. On both occasions a full search was carried out to see if any vessels were in trouble or missing but none were found.

A Canadian woman who pleaded extremely guilty to smuggling cocaine into Australia has been jailed for seven-and-a-half years. Isabelle Lagacé, of Quebec, had been facing a potential life sentence. Two other Canadians have also been charged. Australian police dogs discovered twelve million smackers of cocaine in their cabins after the cruise ship they were on docked in Sydney on 29 August 2016. Lagacé's cabin mate, Melina Roberge, claims that she 'did not know about the drugs' and is also facing trial. Police found thirty five kilos of cocaine in a suitcase in the cabin shared by Roberge and Lagacé. They found an additional sixty kilos in the room of Andre Tamine, a sixty three-year-old also from Quebec. It is not known if or how the girls knew him. Tamine has pleaded not guilty and is also on trial. According to Australian Border Force commander Tim Fitzgerald, the bust was the largest drug seizure Australia has ever had on a boat or plane. Lagacé told the court on Friday that her 'error in judgment' would 'haunt her for the rest of her life,' the Australian broadcaster 9News reported. 'It pains me to know my defining moments of womanhood will be spent in prison halfway around the world,' she said. The women from Quebec had boarded the luxury cruise ship MS Sea Princess in Southampton two months earlier and regularly posted photos of their travels on social media.

A woman has been sentenced to up to twelve years in The Big House for fatally pouring vodka into her disabled son's feeding tube. Melissa Robitille, from Hardwick in Vermont was sentenced on Tuesday to a minimum of four years in prison, WCAX-TV reports. Prosecutors claims that Robittile and her boyfriend gave thirteen-year-old Isaac the alcohol 'in order to keep him quiet' in August 2014. The boy needed his feeding tube to survive and died soon after from alcohol poisoning. Robitille's boyfriend, Walter Richters, was convicted last year for manslaughter. He is already serving out a three stretch sentence in prison. Robitilles family felt that the sentence was not hard enough: David Robitille, Isaac Robitille's uncle said: 'The swath of destruction that this woman has laid behind her is wide and deep.' Robitille had previously been found guilty of manslaughter and her attorney argued the death was 'a tragic mistake.'

A concerned German pensioner alerted police to what he thought was a Second World War bomb in his garden – but the discovery turned out to be a little less terrifying. Officers called to the property in Bretten, near the city of Karlsruh, instead found the eighty one-year-old's discovery to be 'a particularly large courgette.' In a statement on Friday, officers said that the vegetable, which measured forty centimetres in length, 'really did look very much like a bomb.' The dark-coloured courgette weighed about five kilogrammes and police believe it may have been thrown over into the man's garden over a hedge.

An Egyptian TV presenter has been sentenced to three years in prison for discussing women having children outside wedlock on-air. Doaa Salah asked if her viewers had 'considered having sex before marriage.' The Al-Nahar TV presenter also suggested that a woman could briefly marry to have children before divorcing her husband. Dangerous thoughts to be having in a knob-cheese state like Egypt run by men who, seemingly, get The Horn by oppressing women. Opening The Dodi Show wearing a false pregnancy bump, Dodi said: 'If she gets divorce she becomes a single mother. If, God forbid, she is widowed, she becomes single mother. So can you choose, yourself, to become a single mother before you get married?' She also complained artificial insemination was not offered in Egypt. Salah was immediately suspended from her presenting job for three months after the broadcast. She was later charged and convicted of outraging public decency. Ashraf Naji, a lawyer, filed a lawsuit against Salah after the programme was broadcast in July and she was reportedly ordered to pay ten thousand Egyptian pounds 'in compensation.' Authorities said that the ideas 'touted' by Salah 'threatened the fabric of Egyptian life,' according to the EFE news agency. Although it is not illegal to have a child outside marriage in Egypt, it is frowned on. Parents can find it difficult to register illegitimate children because of rules requiring them to prove the paternity of the child. Critics say that Egypt is 'growing increasingly conservative' - no shit? - and in recent months the state has used 'vague morality laws' to arrest seventy men and women accused of being gay.

American woman Martha O'Donovan has appeared in a Zimbabwean court accused of attempting to overthrow the country's government on charges that carry a maximum penalty of twenty years' jail. It is the first arrest since criminally corrupt psychotic scum-bastard Mugabe last month appointed a Cyber Security Minister. Activists say that social media is the latest 'battleground' in the - seemingly losing - fight for free speech in Zimbabwe The twenty five-year-old has been charged with 'subversion' for allegedly insulting President Robert Mugabe on Twitter as 'a sick man.' This blogger prefers to think of Mugage as a complete and utter fuckhead. Fortunately, this blogger is not in Zimbabwe and, therefore, he and his cronies can't touch me. Which, one is sure they're absolutely gutted about. Sorry 'bout that, Robbie, baby. Them's the breaks, matey. Lawyer Rose Hanzi told the court that the subversion charge was illegal because 'police did not inform O'Donovan of it' when she was taken from her home in the capital, Harare, on Friday morning. The court disagreed and O'Donovan will remain in custody over the weekend. Hanzi said that they will approach the High Court for bail on Monday. O'Donovan made no statement in court and showed no emotion as the bail request was dismissed. The US citizen is accused of calling the ninety three-year-old criminal 'a sick man' in a tweet that included a photo illustration of Mugabe with a catheter. The charge of subversion carries up to twenty years in The Pokey. O'Donovan also is charged with 'undermining the authority of or insulting the President.' O'Donovan denied the allegations as 'baseless and malicious.' Earlier reports said O'Donovan was accused of allegedly referring to Mugabe as 'a Goblin' whose wife and step-sons had imported a Rolls Royce, an apparent reference to President even though he was not named. Recent online reports have claimed Mugabe's two adult sons, Robert Junior and Chatunga, have imported at least one luxury vehicle from neighbouring South Africa. It was the first arrest since Mugabe last month appointed a Cyber Security Minister, a move criticised by activists as targeting social media. Zimbabwe was shaken last year by the biggest anti-government protests in a decade. Frustration is growing in the once-prosperous Southern African nation as the economy collapses and the President, in power since 1980, is already running for next year's elections. Which, of course, he will win. Becausehe's a criminal. O'Donovan had been working with local social media outlet Magamba TV, which describes itself as producing 'satirical comedy sensations.' Once again, a dangerous thing to be dabbling in in a one-party dictatorship like Zimbabwe. The New York University graduate has called herself a manager for Magamba TV and 'a media activist.' Earlier this year, she presented a talk at a re:publica digital culture conference titled How Zimbabweans Rebel Online. The group representing O'Donovan, Zimbabwe Lawyers for Human Rights, says that it has represented nearly two hundred people charged for allegedly insulting Mugabe, the world's oldest head of state, in recent years. 'This arrest marks the start of a sinister new chapter in the Zimbabwean Government's clampdown on freedom of speech, and the new battleground is social media,' said Amnesty International's deputy regional director, Muleya Mwananyanda.

A woman attacked her girlfriend's mother with a wine glass during a drunken family row at a pub karaoke night in Manchester. Stacey Greenhalgh, picked up the container and smashed it over the head of Elaine McGee after an argument over childcare. Greenhalgh was in a relationship with McGee's daughter, Keeleigh and was, herself, a mother-of-two. But, she launched a furious attack on her lover's mother - yelling 'you don't fucking care about my boys!' as she swung the glass at her victim's head and torso. McGee, a nursing assistant who needed four stitches for her wounds, said that the injuries had left her 'embarrassed' in her NHS job as they were visible and she had to explain them to members of the public. She also said that she had since become 'estranged' from her daughter after Keeleigh vowed to stand by her partner of eleven years, Greenhalgh. At Minshull Street Crown Court, Greenhalgh, from Gorton, sobbed as she was very jailed for twenty months after admitting wounding with intent to cause grievous bodily harm. Keeleigh, a chef at a children's hospital screamed and wept in the public gallery shouting 'them babies' and 'she's a fucking liar!' Prosecuting Christopher Beckwith said: 'In the days before this incident there had been a disagreement between them about childcare and they went their separate ways. That night the complainant had arranged to go out with friends in the evening. Stacey and her partner were there and this was an accidental meeting between them and Mrs McGee in the public house. Stacey and Keeleigh had arrived at 10pm and Mrs McGee noticed that Stacey was unsteady on her feet and appeared drunk. Keeleigh came over to say hello and she and her mother chatted. But after around twenty minutes Stacey approached Mrs McGee saying "I've been given my orders to speak to you." Mrs McGee expressed that she didn't want to speak to her and told her to go away and Stacey did. But after Mrs McGee got another drink and sang some karaoke, Stacey approached her again and said she wanted to apologise to her. The victim said "I've told you to go away so if you want to talk to me come to my house when you're sober." She then describes the defendant screaming and getting in her face shouting "you don't give a fuck about my boys." The complainant then said to her "here we go again" and the next thing Mrs McGee felt was a terrible pain on her face. At first she didn't know what had cause the pain but realised she had been punched and felt the warmth of blood on her face and pushed Stacey away. Stacey shouted "you fucking bitch" and continued throwing blows at her using the broken glass of a wine glass that she had in her hand. Mrs McKee felt her right eye swelling up and realised that there was blood everywhere and she took herself to hospital. The following morning her daughter sent her a text message, asking if she was going to press charges and indicated that Stacey felt her drink had been spiked.' In mitigation defence lawyer Raquel Simpson claimed her client was 'sorry' for the way she behaved towards her partner's mother. Passing sentence Judge Bernard Lever told her: 'Whilst everybody agrees this is was tragic incident, it happened because you had far too much to drink. I take into account that you did at first attempt to apologise, and that you had no intent to seriously injure this lady. A person cannot pick up a glass in drink and swing it multiple times at another while under the influence of drink and not expect a custodial sentence. I very much regret having to do this, this is a sad case but you must go down.' Greenhalgh was also issued with a restraining order preventing her from contacting McGee indefinitely.

A woman who urinated on a homeless man's belongings before her friend set them on fire has been jailed. Nicola King handed a lighter to Jerely Evans so she could burn bedding in the doorway of a closed shop in Portsmouth. King, of no fixed address, pleaded very guilty to arson at an earlier hearing. Jailing her for four months at Portsmouth Magistrates' Court, Judge Anthony Callaway said it was 'a cruel act on a vulnerable and isolated man.' King, who claimed in court that she had only 'a minor role' in the attack, wept as the sentence was passed. CCTV captured King relieving herself before the pair started the fire in Commercial Road at about 7am on 9 April. Firefighters, alerted by customers in a nearby restaurant, managed to put out the blaze before it could spread inside the building, although the heat cracked several shop windows. In a statement the victim, named Roy, said: 'Everything I own was in the entrance of that doorway. I can't stress how gutted and sad I am for this loss. I have literally lost everything.' Evans, of Havant, previously pleaded extremely guilty to arson and criminal damage and served a four-month jail sentence.

A woman in Singapore was sentenced to eleven months in stir for conspiring to cheat an insurance company of over twenty one thousand Singapore dollars by letting her car be used in a staged accident. Roxell Ho 'conspired with a syndicate' to cheat Liberty Insurance over a false property damage claim. Although Ho was not personally involved in the bogus accident, the prosecution argued that she knowingly allowed her vehicle to be used in a staged accident. Court documents showed that Ho was 'approached by a man' who noticed existing damage on her car. He offered to have the damage repaired for free, if Ho agreed to let her car be used in a staged accident. Ho also had to agree to submit a false property damage claim in her name. Three vehicles, including Ho's car, were involved in a chain collision and various property damage and personal injury claims were subsequently filed against the insurers of the second and third vehicles.

A scorned wife has been jailed for a five stretch for twice pouring boiling water over the mistress of her Royal Marine husband - leaving the woman scarred for life and almost deaf in one ear. Monika Fourie sobbed uncontrollably as she was led away to the cells. Her ex-partner, Wouter, was in court to see sentence passed. Fourie reportedly walked in on her husband with his mistress, Hannah Stokes, in the family home a day after he confessed to their four-month affair, Plymouth Crown Court heard. Fourie switched on the kettle and poured a mug of boiling water over Stokes. The twenty four-year-old begged Fourie to stop but Fourie returned with the kettle and emptied its entire contents over Stokes' head and body. Judge Paul Darlow said: 'This only added to the horror and the excruciating pain she was already suffering.' He added that Polish-born Fourie even tried to pull back Stokes' hair to pour water directly over her face. Judge Darlow said that she had not returned to her home two years ago intending to attack the other woman. But he added: 'This was not a spontaneous act. You switched on the kettle but made no attempt to make a cup of tea. She was cornered and bending over to protect her face.' He added: 'I bear in mind the provocation to you as a result of what you saw when you returned home. One of the doctors said your reaction was understandable if not justifiable.' Stokes said in a statement read to court that her torso would be permanently scarred and she was left with twenty five per cent hearing in her right ear. She added that she had been refused cosmetic surgery on her body on the NHS and private treatment would cost her ten grand – which she could not afford. The Fouries are now divorced and Stokes is no longer with the Royal Marines. Stokes had to endure giving evidence about her private life in two trials. The first last November was abandoned due to a lack of time. The second trial heard that Fourie sent a relative in Poland a text message saying 'revenge is sweet.' Ali Rafati, barrister for Fourie, urged Judge Darlow to suspend her prison sentence as an act of mercy. Rafati claimed she had always tried to protect her daughter, who would be the one person who would suffer the most because of any prison sentence. Judge Darlow said that suspending the term would lead to an Attorney General reference to the Court of Appeal as an unduly lenient sentence.

In 2007, when a then eighteen-year-old Adele (no, not her) got a pair of paw prints tattooed on her breasts in homage to her beloved family dog Max, she thought that she would love them forever. Newfoundland Max had just turned eight which is the average life expectancy for his breed and Adele wanted a permanent reminder of her pet, ready for when the inevitable happened. She got a large paw print tattooed above each breast – each eight inches wide and three inches tall. Then student Adele popped along to a local tattoo studio in her hometown of Leicester clutching an image of a paw print she had printed off the Internet, along with a tracing of Max's giant paw print. She spent an hour perfecting the design with the tattoo artist and left feeling pretty happy, after handing over one hundred smackers. Despite her grandmother saying that she hoped the tattoos would 'rub off,' Adele was, initially, 'really pleased' with them. 'I went to university in Portsmouth where everyone noticed my tattoo, which I loved,' she told Metro. 'I was in the buzz of freshers, always getting my boobs out and showing my tattoos off. I guess it became my "thing."' But, the newspaper suggests, her feeling of elation only lasted a year, when people started making snide remarks. 'I started getting negative comments and being called names like "Paw Tits." They were the first thing that everyone noticed,' Adele whinged. 'Everything became about my boobs and the tattoos and not about me. Even if they were slightly on show and someone noticed, I'd shudder and want the ground to swallow me up.' Now twenty eight-year-old and a charity worker, Adele says that she 'completely changed her style' to cover up her offending tattoos. 'I hated my boobs and what I'd done to myself,' she moans. 'I started wearing high-neck tops, even in summer. I'd be sweating just so I could cover them up.' Adele says that her love life has been affected by her paw prints, saying her 'self confidence has been shattered by them. I'm sure that's why I haven't had many relationships lasting for more than a month in ten years. Blokes get the wrong idea about me. They think I'm easy which is not what I am like at all.' Adele has now started laser treatment at the a clinic in Leicester, which uses the technique to remove twenty thousand tattoos every year. 'It's going to take eighteen months and costs a thousand pounds, but it will be worth it if it means I can be happy in my own skin.'

A nineteen-year-old man who shot himself in the penis after allegedly holding up a Chicago hot dog stand won't be going home when he is released from the hospital next week. Terrion Pouncy remained at Christ Hospital recovering from his injuries on Thursday, missing a bond hearing at the Leighton Criminal Courthouse on two counts of armed robbery, the Chicago Sun-Times is reporting. Pouncy was very arrested at the Oak Lawn Hospital not long after he was found slumped on the steps of a residence across the street from a West Pullman restaurant that Chicago Police say he had robbed at gunpoint around 6am on Hallow'een. Judge Stephanie Miller ordered him to be held without bond. Pouncy was unable to run further because of the pain of a self-inflicted gunshot wound suffered when tried to adjust the pistol in his waistband after robbing Maxwell Street Express, Assistant Cook County State's Attorney Erin Antonietti said in court. Pouncy had pulled out the gun and demanded cash from two employees, pressing the gun to the head of a thirty nine-year-old worker. The victim, who had been passing a bucket filled with grease over the counter, called for his co-worker to hand over the cash from the register. As they passed their wallets and a stack of notes to Pouncy, 'the bucket tipped and bills went flying,' Antonietti said. Still pointing the gun at the workers, Pouncy stooped over to collect the cash. Shifting the gun in his waistband as he ran out, he apparently pulled the trigger, firing a bullet that struck him right in the knob, Antonietti added. Which, one imagines, made his eyes water. One of the restaurant employees then 'began wrestling' with Pouncy as he tried to make his escape, before he limped out into the street. Surveillance cameras captured video and audio of the robbery and showed Pouncy 'struggling' to make it across the the street, stop on a bench and then slumped onto the steps of a nearby house before collapsing. Police recovered the wallets that Pouncy had allegedly stolen from the two men, as well as the pistol. Pouncy's blood-stained boxers matched the underwear he had on in the surveillance video, which 'clearly showed the pattern on the fabric when the teen bent over to collect the money that had fallen to the floor,' Antonietti said.

A nurse was barred from working at an Oklahoma jail after onlookers claimed that she 'attempted to conduct an exorcism' on an inmate instead of offering medical help during an incident. Amanda Freeman, an inmate at the Oklahoma County jail, died a day after the alleged exorcism attempt from an acute coronary event due to methamphetamine use, Fox Carolina reported. The nurse, who was not identified by officers, was called to Freeman's cell after she experienced 'seizure-like activity,' the Oklahoman reported. The nurse told investigators that it was hard to get Freeman's vitals due to her moving so much. The jail's detention officers said the nurse told Freeman, 'I revoke you demons,' while the inmate 'thrashed around and screamed.' A sheriff's lieutenant was able to stop the nurse and get the inmate help. The jail banned the nurse from working at the jail on 20 October, but could not fire her since she was employed by its medical provider, Armor [sic] Correctional Health Services. The company said that he nurse, who had been with the company for six years, was no longer an employee as of 27 October. The nurse denied performing the exorcism but said Freeman had 'supernatural strength.' Freeman was admitted to the jail after she was arrested for a drug complaint. An officer said that they allegedly saw the inmate jump from a moving car into an intersection where they found methamphetamine in her possession.

Two male lions spotted having an, ahem, sexual encounter with each other 'must have seen a homosexual couple behaving badly' in their park and should be separated and 'given counselling' an official in Kenya has said. The animals were photographed after one mounted the other in a secluded bush area of the Masai Mara game reserve in the South-West of the country. Ezekial Mutua, the chief executive of the Kenya Film Classification Board - who is definitely not mental nor nothing - claimed that the pair 'must' have been 'influenced' after they viewed a human same-sex couple. He claimed that this was 'the only explanation' for their 'bizarre' behaviour, on the basis that lions 'do not watch TV or movies to see such acts there.' But, he added it was 'also possible' that they were 'driven by evil forces,' saying that 'demons also possess animals.' Mutua - who, just to repeat is definitely not mental - is something of an infamous figure in Kenya, dubbed the country's 'moral policeman' for his controversial and often anti-LGBT public statements. He has, in the past, banned 'pro gay' movies and cartoons - because he believed it 'glorifies' such relationships. He spoke out over the two gay lions after seeing photos of the pair in a rare - but hardly unique - display of such behaviour captured by wildlife photographer Paul Goldstein. He told the Nairobi News: 'We do not regulate animals, but this is a first and interesting to hear that there are two male lions in love. Some research needs to be done. And, also, I wish I can get the bio to confirm the two lions were actually male, because it is not normal.' He added: 'These animals need counselling, because probably they have been influenced by gays who have gone to the national parks and behaved badly. I don't know, they must have copied it somewhere or it is demonic. Because these animals do not watch movies.' Mutua argued that homosexuality was 'caused by evil spirits' and hinted that the gay lions could also have been possessed by the same source. In actual fact gay behaviour has been observed in several species. Homophobia, however, only seems to occur in one.

Police in Warren, Ohio say that they are looking for a very naughty man who pulled out a gun after being told by a McDonald's drive-thru worker there were no Egg McMuffin sandwiches available. Blimey, that chap must really have wanted an Egg McMuffin. Well, they are very, very tasty. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self is quite partial to a nice Egg McMuffin. Police say that the incident occurred shortly after 3:30am on Wednesday at a McDonald's in Warren, about sixty miles from Cleveland. The worker told police that two men inside the car appeared to be around twenty years old. She said that the driver 'called her a vulgar name' after pulling out the gun and then cursed at her again before driving away.

Two people are now behind bars after police say that they set their own van on fire with gasoline and left it in a KFC parking lot in Springfield, Tennessee. Local news media reports that the two suspects are a married couple from Michigan who recently moved to Hermitage. After setting the van on fire, police said the suspects fled across the street and tried to break into a building by smashing out the glass door. They were confronted by a police officer. Who, one imagines, asked the pair of them what the bloody Hell they were playing at. Or, an Ameircanised equivalent, perhaps. According to Springfield police, forty nine-year-old Stephen William Comiskey grabbed the officer by the neck, ripped off his badge and slammed him into a vehicle. The officer then used a taser on the man, but the incident doesn't end there. Comiskey reportedly fled across the parking lot. He was later captured with the help of witnesses, though it took several of them to bring him down. According to Smokey Barn News - yes, it's a real thing, don't mock just because it's got a silly name - Comiskey told police that he moved to Springfield 'to save the world.' Which is jolly thoughtful of him. He allegedly said that he set the van on fire because there was 'evil in the van.' Both Comiskey and his wife, Donie Ruth, were extremely taken to the Robertson County Detention Facility in Springfield. Comiskey is facing multiple charges, including evading arrest and assault on a police officer. His wife is charged with public intoxication and burglary but may be facing additional charges.

A former student at the University of Hartford has been charged with criminal mischief and breach of peace after bragging online about contaminating her roommate's belongings with bodily fluids, including rubbing dirty tampons on the roommates backpack and putting her toothbrush 'places where the sun doesn't shine.' Urgh. Eighteen-year-old Brianna Brochu - who is absolutely filthy by the sound of her - appeared in court on Wednesday. A judge banned her from the campus in Central Connecticut and ordered her not to have any contact with her former dormitory roommate, Chennel Rowe, pending the conclusion of the case, according to the Hartford Courant. Authorities told the Courant that Brochu, who is white, also faces a hate-crime charge stemming from the alleged actions against her roommate, who is a person of colour. Last month, Brochu allegedly wrote on Instagram that she finally got rid of her roommate. 'After one-and-a-half month of spitting in her coconut oil, putting moldy [sic] clam dip in her lotions, rubbing used tampons [on] her backpack, putting her toothbrush places where the sun doesn't shine and so much more, I can finally say goodbye Jamaican Barbie,' the post read, according to court records. According to the arrest warrant affidavit, Brochu posted pictures, including one of a bag stained with a 'reddish brown substance' that she later acknowledged was 'period blood,' one of a food container filled with a milky substance and one of hair extensions with the caption, 'This bitch legit bought a box of fucking hair.' University of Hartford President Greg Woodward said in a letter on Wednesday to the campus community that following the 'deeply disturbing situation,' Brochu is no longer a student at the school. He said that the university 'took immediate action' once it learned about the allegations, notifying campus authorities and the West Hartford Police Department, which opened an investigation. Brochu was arrested on Saturday after telling police that she 'started to lash out' at Rowe after she posted videos of Brochu sleeping and teasing her for snoring, according to court documents. She told police that she did lick Rowe's 'plate, fork and spoon,' rub a used tampon on her backpack and mix Rowe's lotions together but she said that everything else she bragged about online was not true, according to the arrest warrant affidavit.

A mother in Wisconsin is facing a felony charge of recklessly endangering safety after she allegedly strapped her nine-year-old son to the top of a minivan on top of a plastic pool. Amber Schmunk, of Fredonia - yes, it's a real place, not something from a Marx Brothers movie - was charged earlier this month for the 9 September incident, which started after officers received a call reporting a child on top of a moving vehicle holding down a plastic pool, according to the Ozaukee Press. A witness later reported seeing Schmunk pull over to the side of the road and take the child off the minivan roof and wedge the pool inside the vehicle before dropping it off at her sister's house, according to WTMJ TV. Officers who arrived on the scene questioned Schmunk about her son's alleged wild ride. They said that she admitted the boy had been on top of the minivan on the road 'but only for a short time, maybe twenty to thirty seconds,' according to WITI TV. Schmunk allegedly told authorities she had picked up a moulded plastic pool at another house, but didn't have enough room inside the minivan. She allegedly said that she 'decided to put the pool on top of the minivan, but had no way to strap it down, so she had her child climb on the roof and hold it down while she drove,' according to a police report. Police said that Schmunk claimed she thought her actions were okay', since 'her father let her do things like that when she was nine.' She added that her son was 'safe' on top of the minivan she 'tied him down with a strap on top of the pool,' according to WDJT TV. Schmunk is due in court on 14 November. If convicted, she extremely faces up to five years in The Big House and five years of extended supervision, according to the Ozaukee Press.

Clean Bandit's Grace Chatto took things literally when she 'decided to whip herself back into shape,' after 'being shaken' by 'the stress of being a pop star.' Well, you could always go and work in a call centre instead, Grace. That might be a bit less stressful. Y'daft glake. In a piece of abject fluff published - as an 'exclusive' - in Metro and well-worthy of their former gossip columnist, Neil Sean (though, actually written by his successor, Tom Stichbury), the cellist claimed that she 'coped' with the band's 'hectic schedule' by being beaten with tree branches. You normally have to pay good money for that sort of thing down in Soho. Apparently. Anyway; 'that's an ancient Russian tradition,' Grace alleged. 'They have these hot saunas and then they beat you with birch twigs. It brings the blood to the surface. It's a unique sensation and one that I love.' Saunas, incidentally, are Finnish, not Russian. Given that Clean Bandit formed whilst they were at Cambridge University, that's a pretty shocking indictment of the state of education in this country, frankly. Of course, some people may consider that the entirety of Clean Bandit should all be beaten to within an inch of their lives for making such offensively crap records and, especially, for that bloody smug and annoying advert they did for Cortana, which someone of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star described as 'redefining cringe-worthy.' This blogger couldn't possibly comment on that. Except to note that others may fell that beating Clean Bandit with sticks is too good for them. In the Middle Ages, many unfortunate individuals who had committed far lesser crimes against humanity than, for example, that bloody Cortana advert got The Rack, The Thumb Screw or were Broken On A Wheel. It was a harsh system of justice, certainly - they didn't mess about with ASBOs and Community Service Orders in them days.

As previously noted, this blogger tends to wear a poppy, annually, in the lead up to Remembrance Day. Keith Telly Topping has his own, very specific and family-related, reasons for doing so but, as explained last time the subject was discussed on From The North, this blogger has no problem whatsoever with those who chose not to do so (as, indeed, he didn't himself for many years). Individual choice - as opposed to fascist state-control - was, after all, one of the things that this country and its allies were supposed to be fighting against during the war of 1939 to 1945. However, it is no surprise to this blogger that a third of Britons under the age of twenty five reportedly refuse to wear the poppy as Remembrance Day draws closer because they believes that it glorifies war. Which, this blogger does not believe it does, but he understands how some may have that perception. The research, carried out by Consumer Intelligence, found that some eleven percent of the country will not wear poppies as part of the Royal British Legion appeal, which raises over forty million quid for ex-service personnel every year. Some even claimed that they feel 'bullied' into wearing it - and, it should be noted there is an element of truth in that particularly in relation to the Daily Scum Mail - while others said they refused to wear it as 'a show of opposition against current military action.' The survey also found that a truly shocking twenty nine percent of people believe that it should be compulsory to wear the symbol. Which, given what Great Britain was supposed to be fighting against in one of the wars which Remembrance Day recalls is, frankly, an obscenity.

Presumably, those who feel that wearing poppies should be 'compulsory' also believe that those who do not share their views should be discriminated against in some fashion or other? Now, where have we heard that sort of thing before?

One of the great pioneering television directors of her generation, Paddy Russell, has died at the age of eighty nine. Patricia Russell had a long and distinguished career as one of the first female directors on British television. Born in 1928, she trained as an actor attending the Guildhall School of Music and Drama. Before long she realised that she was more at home behind the scenes moving to become a stage manager. In the 1950's television was crying out for theatre staff to work in the new medium and Russell was recruited as a production assistant, working with the famed director Rudolph Cartier. She also had small roles in several early BBC productions including 1950's adaptation of The Insect Play for the Sunday-Night Theatre strand. Acting as the director's eyes and ears on the studio floor, Russell worked on some of the most innovative and pioneering dramas of the day including the Quatermass serials as well as the 1954 adaptation of George Orwell's novel Nineteen Eighty-Four starring Peter Cushing. In 1963 she became a director herself, overseeing many episodes of the soap opera Compact. Over the next twenty years, she worked on many of the best known classic television series. Her first encounter with Doctor Who came in 1966 when she became the first female director to work on the BBC's long-runnning family SF drama. She directed the four-part story The Massacre Of St Bartholomew's Eve. One advantage the newish director had when faced with the notoriously irascible William Hartnell was the fact that for the majority of the story he was not playing The Doctor, but rather another character, The Abbot of Amboise. She told Doctor Who Magazine: 'Bill was actually The Doctor only in the first and last episodes. Other than that he was The Abbot. Therefore I had the natural advantage with Bill, with whom I got on very well, in terms of saying "The Doctor's showing" if I didn't like what he was doing. That worked like a charm, because The Doctor couldn't show.' It was eight years later that Russell returned to the show working on the six-part Jon Pertwee story Invasion Of The Dinosaurs. It was a story fraught with technical difficulties in the attempt to bring dinosaurs to London using the primitive methods available in the early 1970's. Whilst not always successful it was a story that Paddy was very proud of. 'In a way, I still think Invasion Of The Dinosaurs was the best one I did. It was the hardest to do - a complete beast and I suppose I accepted it for the challenge. The biggest difficulty was deserted London which we got around by going out at five one Sunday morning.' Two more Doctor Who stories followed, both staring Tom Baker. In 1975 she directed the fan favourite Pyramids Of Mars, followed in 1977 by The Horror Of Fang Rock. She had a somewhat prickly relationship with the lead actor whom she found increasingly a challenge to work with. 'I found Jon much easier to work with. I found the first one with Tom Baker was alright but the second one was very, very difficult. Tom was easy to deal with at first, but the part went to his head completely. By the time I did Horror Of Fang Rock, he was desperately difficult to work with. I remember one particular scene which involved Tom coming very fast through a doorway, followed by Louise [Jameson]. I'd set it up for the cameraman to stay with Tom but he couldn't and wouldn't come in normally. We did four takes, but the cameraman simply couldn't hold him. So, in the end, I said "Fine" and told the cameraman to stay with Louise instead.' During her long career Paddy Russell also worked on The Newcomers, The Massingham Affair, Hit & Run, Reluctant Bandit, The Mind Of The Enemy, Quick, Before They Catch Us, Thirty Minute Theatre, Angel Pavement, Harriet's Back In Town, Badger's Set, The Squad, the BBC's 1970 adaptation of Little Women, Fathers & Sons, The Moonstone, My Old Man, Z Cars (fifty five episodes between 1967 and 1976), Out Of The Unknown, Late Night Horror, Pere Goriot, The Omega Factor, Within These Walls, Three-Two-One and Emmerdale. Following her retirement in the 1980s, Paddy moved to a cottage in Oxenhope, on the Yorkshire moors, where she lived in relative seclusion. She was actively involved in charitable work in the area.