Thursday, February 26, 2009

You Can't See A Beard On The Radio

So, for the second time in two days dear blog reader, today's comedy sketch on The Alfie Joey Show (2:10 GMT approximately) was written by me. And, yer actual Keith Telly Topping was in this one as well, playing his stock role of 'Mister Geordie Blokie.' It was actually inspired by the entry on this virry blog two days ago about the lovely Gail Trimble's struggles against the ignorant scum in British society. And, indeed, in British journalism. That brings me to a query. Somebody - I think it was young Graeme, actually - asked me in an e-mail the other day if I just did the Top Telly Tips on the afternoon show or whether I contributed 'other stuff' as well. So, this is a useful point at which to reveal the full extent of my BBC Newcastle sketch CV to date:-

- Man Who Sings 'I've Got You Under My Skin' Very Badly Indeed in The Mystery Voice Sketch - 5 September 2008
- Mister Geordie Bloke in The Terry Venables Might Be Newcastle's Next Manager, If You Don't Like It Go See a Doctor Sketch - 25 September 2008
- Cyberleader/The Master in The Who's Going To Be The New Doctor Who Sketch - 30 October 2008
- Rocky Balboa in Mackem Geordie Movies: Rocky III - 6 November 2008
- The Narrator in The Inappropriate Comedians Doing Shakespeare Sketch - 17 February 2009

- MP who shouts 'Can You Do Stevie Wonder tomorrow?' in The Gordon Brown Copies Barack Obama And Quotes Sam Cooke Sketch - 6 November 2008
- Police Sergeant in The Christiano Ronaldo's Car Crash Sketch - 9 January 2009
- A Tragically Welsh/Pakistani Mark Hughes in The Machester City's Transfer Targets Sketch - 22 January 2009
- The Prosecuting Counsel in The Michael Jackson Gets Sued Over The Thriller Video Sketch - 30 January 2009
- Sting in The Jimmy Nail BAFTA Award Sketch - 19 February 2009
- Mister Geordie Blokie from Thickman College/Announcer - The University Challenge For The Universally Challenged Sketch - 26 February 2009

Writer Only:
- The At Home With The Stings Sketch - 21 November 2008
- The EastEnders Casting Session Sketch - 25 February 2009

Seek 'em out at your own peril!

Also, today's talking point on the show was as follows: 'Last night President Obama, when presenting an award, called Stevie Wonder's music "the soundtrack of my youth," saying he found in it "peace and inspiration, especially in difficult times." He then mirrored his wife's comments, saying: "I think it's fair to say that had I not been a Stevie Wonder fan, Michelle might not have dated me. We might not have married." Is there any music or a singer who have been pivotal (even life changing) in your life?' Whilst in the office and asked this question by the lad himself I replied, thus: 'Keith Telly Topping and his top teenage years, and far beyond, were shaped, changed, politicised and romanticised by the words and the voices of Paul Weller, Joe Strummer, Morrissey and Julian Cope. And he still buys new releases by all of them. Except Joe, obviously. He's dead. And, actually, Morrissey as well cos he was never the same after he stopped writing with Johnny Marr.' Almost poetic, that. Almost. I was very much hoping that Alfie, for once, would quote this in full. So, imagine my surprise when Alife did, indeed, quote me near enough ver batum (it can be heard around twenty five minutes into today's show if anybody wants to check it out on Listen Again - it's immediately before Aretha Franklin). Then, of course, he went and spoiled it by revealing that, this morning, I'd been spotted in the office singing along to Whitney Houston's 'The Greatest Love of All.' The snitching little Mackem toerag! (... And I say that with genuine love and affection). It is true though. When did I become middle-aged? Did I miss that memo?

Lastly in what is, I must say, a rather self-aggrandising blog entry (I'll put that right next time, trust me. I've bought a new bag of self-deprecation today from Morrison's, specially). As some of my Facebook pals will know, I've been experimenting with some facial fungus over the last few weeks.

I quite liked it and I got a few pleasantly 'in-favour' comments from some of the girls in the office (to be fair, they were probably just humouring me). But, ultimately, I came to the conclusion that something my mother said not long after I started growing it was correct. People with ginger hair, by and large, don't suit beards. It makes them look like they've got a dirty face! So, now it's gone.