'I'm sorry ma'am, you can't smoke here.' '... It's a fucking morgue!'
Following the previous utterly baffling - but, conceptually and visually dazzling - instalment two weeks ago, the ninth episode of Twin Peak: The Return only went and gave the viewers a whole bunch of yer actual plot. Stop the presses: This week's Twin Peaks contained traces of plot! After taking a week off for the 4 July holiday, Twin Peaks returned on Sunday with an episode, the exact halfway point of the series, which did a lot of metaphorical heavy lifting for what is - or may be - to come in the later half of the summer. Whilst no Big Questions were answered - this is, after all, Twin Peaks, they don't do that sort of thing - it appears as though the series is beginning to open the door to The Black Lodge in a much more public way than ever before. In all three of the major locations featured in the episode - Las Vegas, South Dakota and Twin Peaks itself - the story moved forward. And, not by inches either but, rather, by feet.
Except for that bit about Jerry Horne's talking feet. That made no sense whatsoever!
David Lynch used this episode to take viewers deeper into the mysteries surrounding the 'death' and then, later, the actual death of Major Garland Briggs (the late, much-lamented Don Davis) and the murder of South Dakota librarian Ruth Davenport. He also took more attentive viewers deeper into the mysteries of circa 1997-era web design. The subject arose during a crucial scene in which Matthew Lillard's character, William Hastings, who is suspected of killing his lover Davenport, was interrogated by Chrysta Bell's FBI agent, Tammy Preston. 'Are you the author of an online journal or blog entitled The Search For The Zone?' she asked him. And, it turns out that in both the Twin Peaks' universe and in our own, the answer to that question is yes. Hastings' website is, in fact, online at thesearchforthezone.com and it's everything the average Twin Peaks obsessive could wish for. Check it out, dear blog reader, it will blow your cherry pie off.
Meanwhile the beat-up Bob-Inhabiting-Cooper-Doppelganger-Thing has emerged - largely, though not entirely, unscathed - after being shot to death by Ray and then revived by The Woodsmen. He meets up with Chantal (Jennifer Jason Leigh) and Hutch (one of this blogger's favourite actors, the great Tim Roth), his closest allies, associates and assassins-for-hire. Bob-Coop gets a burner phone (a sparkly pink one) and texts to an unknown number, 'Around the dinner table the conversation is lively.'
Meanwhile, the FBI private plane is flying back from the prison in South Dakota, when they find out that Lieutenant Knox has some important information in nearby Buckhorn. Gordon tells Diane the case involves someone Cooper knew. She immediately recognises it as The Blue Rose case. Soon afterwards, Warden Murphy calls to say that Bob-Cooper has broken out of The Pokey. 'Cooper flew The Coop!' notes Gordon in that way of Lynch's that is so appealingly naff. The FBI team meets up with Knox. Whilst Gordon, Albert and Tammy go off to see the headless body in question, Diane receives a suspiciously familiar text message.
The FBI gets a briefing on the Hastings case which leads to - by a distance - the best dialogue exchange of the current series so far. 'William Hastings was having an affair with the local librarian, Ruth Davenport. Davenport's head was found a'top the headless body of your Major Briggs. Once we took Hastings into custody, his wife was murdered in their house, apparently by their lawyer, a man named Bautzer who is now, also, in custody. Then, the next day, Hastings secretary died in a car explosion,' explains Knox. 'What happens in season two?' asks Albert. 'Apologies - in advance - for Albert!' adds Gordon, wearily like this is an oft-practised piece of placation to local law enforcement.
Other stuff happens. Lots of it. Bobby Briggs, Hawk and Sheriff Trueman visit Bobby's mother for further information on Garland's meeting with Cooper in 1991 the day before he, supposedly, died. Meanwhile, in Vegas, The Douggie Jones-Cooper has a moment of quiet introspection when seeing a girl in red shoes. Is it, we wonder, a distant memory of Audrey Horne?
Albert continues to get all the best dialogue. For instance, after Tammy's interrogation of a clearly disturbed Hastings concludes with a rather bizarre non-sequitar about him wanting to go scuba-diving. 'Fruit-cake anyone?' asks Albert with superb comic timing. The late Miguel Ferrer, in his final role before his death earlier this year, dominates every scene he's in, dear blog reader and it's a treat to see. Finally, at The Two-Shots Bar, a pair of rather dodgy-looking young women (Sky Ferreira and Karolina Wydra) talk about how pissed off they are over their jobs. One has a nasty-looking rash underneath her armpit and Lynch accentuates the sound of her nails clawing over the red, flaky skin. Unpleasant, disturbing and yet, in an odd way, really quite funny. Twin Peaks in a nutshell.
Following last week's well-publicised Doctor Who Christmas special wrap-party, on Monday morning The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) posted to his Facebook chums that he was about to go to the Doctor Who set for the final time. Thanks for everything, Steven, for what it's wroth - and it's probably not worth much in the great scheme of things - this blogger thought it was all great.
BBC America has announced their plans for Doctor Who at this year's San Diego Comic-Con. The Doctor Who Panel will star yer actual Peter Capaldi. Moderated by Chris Hardwick, the panel will give fans an exclusive sneak peek of the Christmas special which may, or may not, be called The Doctors. Pearl Mackie, Matt Lucas, Michelle Gomez, Mark Gatiss and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat was also be part of the event. The panel takes place on Sunday 23 July between 2:00-3:00pm. Radio Times suggests that the event may also include a trailer for the Christmas episode.
And now, dear blog reader, the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Two programmes broadcast, week-ending Sunday 2 July 2017:-
1 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.99m
2 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 6.44m
3 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 6.31m
4 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.99m
5 Poldark - Sun BBC1 - 5.91m
6 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.42m
7 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 5.29m
8 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.96m
9 Watchdog - Wed BBC1 - 4.87m
10 DIY SOS: The Big Build - Thurs BBC1 - 4.82m
11 The Loch - Sun ITV - 4.69m
12 Six O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.57m
13 Fearless - Mon ITV - 4.55m
14= Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 4.53m
14= Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.53m
16 The ONE Show - Thurs BBC1 - 4.50m
17 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.27m
18 The Voice Kids - Sat ITV - 4.19m
19 The Week The Landlords Moved In - Wed BBC1 - 3.98m
20 Peter Kay's (Lack Of) Comedy Shuffle - Fri BBC1 - 3.89m
21 Broken - Tues BBC1 - 3.88m
22 Supermarket Shopping Secrets - Mon BBC1 - 3.74m
These consolidated figures, published weekly by the British Audience Research Bureau, include all viewers who watched programmes live and on various forms of catch-up TV and video-on-demand during the seven days after initial broadcast. They do not, however, include those who watched on BBC's iPlayer or ITV Player via their computers. Once again, viewing figures were generally down across the board this particular week despite the hot weather disappearing as suddenly as it had appeared. The BBC1's latest - not very good at all - music lack-of-talent show, Pitch Battle, continued to be ignored by all but the most undiscerning of punters. whilst ITV's - extremely similar - The Voice Kids, which was broadcast in the same Saturday evening slot as Pitch Battle did much better, attracting a consolidated audience of 4.19 million. Doctor Who, as usual, had a near-two million timeshift above the initially-reported overnight figure for the epic series finale The Doctor Falls. ITV's new vehicle for That Worthless Oily Twat Piers Morgan, Killer Women, was watched by but 2.43 million, a drop of six hundred thousand punters over the previous week's series opener.
Great British Menu dominated BBC2's top thirty programmes list, occupying the top three and five of the top six places. Tuesday's episode was the most-watched with 2.67 million viewers. Gardeners' World (2.39m) and the latest episode of Ripper Street (2.09 million) were the only shows preventing a complete Great British Menu occupation of the top ten. Hospital was watched by 2.05 million, followed by George Best: All By Himself (1.99 million), Mock The Week (1.58 million), Frankie Boyle's New World Order (1.28 million), The World's Most Extraordinary Homes (1.27 million), The Life Swap Adventure (also 1.27 million), Dad's Army (1.14 million), Mary Berry Everyday (1.13 million) and Horizon (also 1.13 million). Channel Four's highest-rated broadcast was for The Crystal Maze Z-List Celebrity Special (2.77 million) ahead of Twenty Four Hours In A&E (2.05 million) and the latest episode of The Handmaid's Tale (1.96 million). The Supervet had 1.89 million, Twenty Four Hours Banged-Up In Pollis Custody (With All The Murderers And The Rapists And The People Who Nick Stuff from ASDA), 1.87 million, The Last Leg With Adam Hills, 1.83 million, First Dates, 1.75 million, Ackley Bridge, 1.69 million, Dunkirk: The New Evidence, 1.50 million and Naked Attraction, 1.31 million. The Hotel Inspector was Channel Five's top performer with an audience of 1.62 million. The Dog Rescuer With Alan Davies drew 1.44 million, Murdered By My Daughter, 1.42 million and Paul O'Grady's depressingly awful revival of Blind Date continued to lose viewers at a steady rate, its third episode attracting 1.32 million - two hundred thousand down on the previous episode as yet more of the audience realised what they should have known in the first place - that the Blind Date format was a right load of old toot even when national treasure Cilla was presenting it, let alone yer man O'Grady. The most-watched episode of Big Brother during the week was Wednesday's 1.18 million. Greatest Z-List Celebrity Wind-Ups Ever!, which was every bit as bad as its screamingly over-the-top (and sneeringly smart-alec) title suggests, was watched by 1.08 million punters - with, seemingly, nothing better or more constructive to do with their time at 8pm on a Saturday evening. Allow this blogger to suggest, perhaps, going out, drinking lots of Bacardi Breezers and then having some disappointing sex as a potential alternative to watching this kind of moronic cut-and-paste telly for the hard of thinking. Just sayin'. 
Sky Sports 1's coverage of Live British & Irish Lions Tour rugby was seen by seven hundred and twenty thousand punters. Continued coverage of the European Under Twenty Ones Football Championship drew three hundred and fifty three thousand. On Sky Sports 2, coverage of Live RL One Day Cup cricket had two hundred and thirty four thousand viewers whilst England's second match of the ICC Women's World Cup - an easy victory over Bangladesh - was watched by seventy one thousand. Cricket also topped Sky Sport 3's list, the latest One Day International between the West Indies and India being seen by seventy seven thousand. Sky Sports 4's Live European Tour Golf - or, Hours Of Televised Sky as it should, more accurately, be called - had one hundred and nine thousand. Monday's Sky Sports Tonight was top of the shop on Sky Sports News HQ, with ninety three thousand punters. Sky F1's repeat of the Azerbaijan Grand Prix was watched by eighteen thousand. Sky 1's weekly top-ten was headed by the latest episode of that hateful and banal exercise in smugness and celebrity-by-non-entity, A League Of Their Own with 1.07 million people, every single one of whom needs their bloody heads examining for any signs of brain activity if they find this toxic, full-of-its-own-importance vomit even remotely amusing and weren't just watching in the forlorn hope that either Corden or Whitehall might do something spectacularly stupid which resulted in their painful hospitalisation. That's the only reason this blogger tunes-in to be fair. The Blacklist followed (seven hundred and seventy four thousand). Mount Pleasant was seen by five hundred and sixteen thousand and MacGyver by four hundred and twenty one thousand. 
Sky Atlantic's list was topped by the third episode of the much-trailed Riviera (four hundred and forty eight thousand) whilst a Game Of Thrones repeat was seen by one hundred and eighty six thousand punters. Last Week Tonight With John Oliver had one hundred and fifty four thousand, Veep, one hundred and thirty thousand and Silicon Valley, one hundred and nineteen thousand. On Sky Living, the latest episode of Madam Secretary was seen by five hundred and ten thousand whilst Nashville had three hundred and thirty one thousand. Nothing To Declare drew one hundred and forty six thousand and Criminal Minds, one hundred and forty two thousand. Sky Arts' Master Of Photography was watched by one hundred thousand viewers. Coverage of The Isle Of Wight Festival had sixty eight thousand and The US Versus Alcoholic Wife-Beating Scouse Junkie John Lennon, forty eight thousand. Endeavour was ITV3's top-rated drama (1.09 million viewers). Lewis was seen by nine hundred and eighty four thousand, Foyle's War by six hundred and thirty thousand and Murder She Wrote by five hundred and eighty three thousand in the first week in living memory that an episode of Midsomer Murders hasn't featured in the ITV3 top-ten list.Truly, we are living in the end of days, dear blog reader. Tour De France Highlights coverage headed ITV4's weekly list with six hundred and seventy nine thousand punters. A broadcast of Dr No attracted three hundred and ninety two thousand. ITV2's list of shame was topped by Love Island - a truly depressing 2.76 million, the highest multichannels audience of the week and one of a horrifying six episodes of the hateful 'z-list celebrity scumfest' to attract an audience of more than two million viewers on ITV2. Broken Britain in one shameful statistic, dear blog reader. The Pop Group were right, we are all prostitutes now. The Americans headed ITV Encore's top ten with one hundred and twenty thousand viewers, followed by Vera (ninety nine thousand) and DCI Banks (seventy two thousand). The Real Housewives Of New York was watched by two hundred and thirty six thousand of the sort of people who enjoy such risible exercises in z-list-celebrity-by-non-entity on ITVBe. BBC4's list was headed by The Art Of Japanese Life (eight hundred and two thousand punters). Japan: Earth's Enchanted Isle had seven hundred and forty four thousand and Nature's Great Events, six hundred and twenty nine thousand. Handmade In Japan was seen by six hundred and eighteen thousand, Tom Jones's 1950s: The Decade That Made Me by five hundred and forty thousand, Castles: Britain's Fortified History by five hundred and seventeen thousand, a repeat of the excellent Michael Mosley-fronted Pain, Pus & Poisons: The Search For Modern Medicines by five hundred and four thousand, the docudrama Spies Of Warsaw by four hundred and seventy thousand and The Good Old Days, by four hundred and sixty one thousand. But, chiefly dear blog readers, yourselves. 
5USA's latest NCIS Los Angeles episode was viewed by four hundred and fifty four thousand viewers and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit by two hundred and ninety four thousand. NCIS topped the most-watched programme list of CBS Action (one hundred and fifty four thousand). Shots Fired was the most-watched drama on FOX's viewing list with one hundred and fifty two thousand. Family Guy drew one hundred and thirty three thousand and Bull, one hundred and five thousand. Ransom was seen by three hundred and forty six thousand on The Universal Channel, followed by Chance (two hundred and five thousand), NCIS (ninety three thousand) and the movie Conspiracy Theory (eighty eight thousand). On Dave, Mock The Week was watched by three hundred and seventy four thousand, Dara O'Briain's Go Eight Bit by three hundred and seventy one thousand and Have I Got A Bit More News For You, by three hundred and sixty five thousand. Drama's Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries was seen by four hundred and thirty thousand viewers. Death In Paradise was watched by four hundred and seventeen thousand, WPC Fifty Six by four hundred and thirteen thousand and New Tricks by three hundred and ninety eight thousand. For some inexplicable reason, however, the channel's most-watched programme was Hetty Wainthropp Investigates (four hundred and forty five thousand). Another example of Broken Britain, dear blog reader. 
Alibi's highest-rated programme was Rosewood (two hundred and eleven thousand) whilst The Coroner had one hundred and forty four thousand, Quantico, one hundred and twenty six thousand and Death In Paradise, one hundred and twenty two thousand. Inspector George Gently was seen by ninety three thousand. The Sony Channel's top ten was headed by XXX: State Of The Union (one hundred and ten thousand). Yesterday's Royal Murder Mysteries had three hundred and eighty six thousand, whilst the channel's latest repeat run of Porridge continued with two hundred and ninety four thousand. On the Discovery Channel, Tanked attracted one hundred and eighty thousand viewers. Gold Divers had one hundred and thirty seven thousand, Deadliest Catch, one hundred and thirty three thousand, Wor Geet Canny Robson Green: Extreme Fisherman, one hundred and twenty thousand and Naked & Afraid, one hundred and four thousand. From The North cult favourite Wheeler Dealers topped the weekly list of Discovery Shed (forty four thousand) and also appeared in the top ten of Discovery Turbo (twenty seven thousand). Discovery History's Air Wars and Weapon Hunter headed the top ten, both with thirty thousand. Tony Robinson's World War I attracted twenty one thousand, as did Battlefields and The Quest For Captain Kidd. On Discovery Science, Through The Wormhole With Morgan Freeman was seen by forty nine thousand viewers and How To Survive An Asteroid Strike by forty five thousand. 
On Quest, Salvage Hunters was watched by two hundred and twenty six thousand. Pick's The Force: Essex and World's Most Evil & Sick Fuckers had audiences of three hundred and seventy thousand and two hundred and eighty five thousand respectively. National Geographic's list was headed by the latest episode of Wicked Tuna with eighty six thousand viewers, followed by Supercar Megabuild (fifty nine thousand) and Air Crash Investigations (fifty eight thousand). National Geographic Wild's Wild Far East was watched by forty five thousand. The History Channel's most-watched programmes were the opening episode of the much-trailed Robert Redford's The West (two hundred and fifty five thousand) and Forged In Fire (two hundred and twenty eight thousand). On Military History, Cowboys & Outlaws was seen by fifty one thousand punters and Wellington Versus Napoleon: Aftermath Of Waterloo by thirty nine thousand. UFO Hunters drew twenty five thousand punters with tin-foil hats. The oddly addictive Homicide Hunter, The Jail Atlanta: Sixty Days In, The First Forty Eight and I Married My Killer were Crime & Investigation's top-rated programmes with seventy two thousand, sixty five thousand, fifty six thousand and forty three thousand blood-and-snots-lovers, respectively. I Am Homicide, From The North's current camp-as-a-row-of-tents guilty pleasure, Evil Stepmothers and Reasonable Doubt headed Investigation Discovery's list (eighty seven thousand, eighty five thousand and fifty four thousand). The latest of GOLD's Mrs Brown's Boys repeat had four hundred and seventy nine thousand. Comedy Central's largest audience of the week was for Your Face Or Mine with two hundred and eight thousand. Your TV's repeat of Bones series four continued with one hundred and twenty thousand. On More4, the British TV debut of Outlander was the highest-rated programme with 1.01 million viewers. Grand Designs: Australia had three hundred and eighty five thousand and Selling Homes With Amanda Lamb, three hundred and fifty five thousand. E4's list was topped by Hollyoaks (a rather below-par nine hundred and five thousand for a series which normally manages to top the one million viewers mark at least once a week). The Marvel movie, Thor was watched by eight hundred and six thousand. 
Dark Matter, headed Syfy's top-ten with two hundred and fifty five thousand. Two classic SF cult movies of the 1970s, Logan's Run and Westworld, brought in one hundred and twelve thousand and ninety nine punters respectively. The Horror Channel's top ten was headed by The Vatican Tapes (one hundred and thirty five thousand). The channel's top-ten also included Chernobyl Diaries (ninety thousand) and Tales From The Darkside (eighty eight thousand). The Wrong Arm of The Law, Endless Night and the Ealing comedy classic Two-Way Stretch topped Talking Pictures list, with fifty thousand, fifty thousand and forty thousand respectively. On Forces TV, Hogan's Heroes was watched by thirty eight thousand whilst a very welcome repeat run of Gerry Anderson's UFO was seen by eighteen thousand. World's Deadliest Weather: Caught On Camera drew one hundred and eighty one thousand punters on Spike, as did Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! Frontier Borneo was watched by thirty seven thousand on Eden. Lone Star Law was the Animal Planet's most-watched programme with forty thousand. Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders on W attracted three hundred and sixty one thousand punters. On True Crime, Crime Three Sixty and Killer Kids were seen by eighty six thousand and eighty one thousand respectively. True Entertainment's M*A*S*H was watched by one hundred and fifty eight thousand and the movie The Scarlet & The Black by one hundred and thirty one thousand. Gordon's Great Escape drew sixty nine thousand on Good Food whilst Hateful Rachel Khoo's Kitchen Notebook attracted sixty seven thousand punters. In the case of the latter, in exactly the same way that a lump of dog shite in the streets attracts lots of flies. TLC's list was headed by the woefully nasty Curvy Brides Boutique and the equally horrible Say Yes To The Dress (both one hundred and fifty nine thousand). Shameful waste-of-oxygen Ex On The Beach on MTV was viewed by five hundred and nineteen thousand. Ghost Adventures and Most Haunted were seen by two hundred and fifty four thousand and two hundred and one thousand punters on Really. Which, given the subject matter of these two should, possibly, be rechristened 'No-Not-Really'. Tom & Jerry attracted ninety three thousand on Boomerang whilst Be Cool, Scooby-Doo! had eighty one thousand. Like, zoinks. The fascinating documentary Tesla topped PBS America's weekly list with twenty thousand viewers. Spankin' New: Royal Blood drew six thousand on Scuzz. Yes, there really is a channel called Scuzz, dear blog reader and six thousand people seemingly watch it. Honest. Mind you, that's still six thousand more than were reported to have tuned-in to a mid-afternoon Blue Peter repeat on Cbeebies. It's interesting, though, isn't it that some full-of-himself cock splash of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star chose to concentrate on that figure and not, say, the five hundred and forty eight thousand Cbeebies viewers watching Topsy &Tim or the five hundred and thirty one thousand who watched Sarah & Duck or the five hundred and twenty thousand watching Old Jack's Boat and even the four hundred and thirty three thousand viewers tuned into Clangers. If one didn't know better one might almost assume there was some sick agenda going down there.
Horrible Holly Willoughby 'could be in line' to replace Ant McPartlin on I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want) according to this. So, merely one more reason not to watch it, dear blog reader.
And, finally have you ever received a one of those 'accepting a Facebook friend request from a stranger will provide hackers with access to your computer and all your online accounts,' PM messages from someone, dear blog reader? This blogger seems to be getting at least a couple of those every day of late.
In case you've never seen one, they basically instruct you to informed everyone - that's everyone - on your 'friends list' about this discombobulation. Which, in Keith Telly Topping's case and given that this blogger had around two thousand five hundred 'friends', is not really a practical option. Anyway, not unexpectedly, it turns out that these messages are, in fact, a variant of a long-running hoax which has been around in one form or another since at least 2009. As the excellent Snopes fact-checking website explains here. The Albany Times Union website also got hold of the story (and was, seemingly, quite angry about those people who, in all innocence, had believed it). This blogger must admit that always thought such claims had the whiff of Urban Myth Bullshit about them but, in this paranoid age where the belief that clicking any wrong button can 'melt the Interweb', many people seemed to take it at face value. Which is a necessary reminder about dangers of fake news and/or bold statements which usually begin with the word 'apparently ...' It is also, however, an important highlight of why websites like Snopes, which actually bother to check this shit out, are so important in this day and age. If only well-known President - and hairdo - Trump would use it occasionally the world might sleep a bit easier in its collective bed.
1 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.99m
2 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 6.44m
3 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 6.31m
4 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.99m
5 Poldark - Sun BBC1 - 5.91m
6 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 5.42m
7 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 5.29m
8 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.96m
9 Watchdog - Wed BBC1 - 4.87m
10 DIY SOS: The Big Build - Thurs BBC1 - 4.82m
11 The Loch - Sun ITV - 4.69m
12 Six O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.57m
13 Fearless - Mon ITV - 4.55m
14= Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 4.53m
14= Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.53m
16 The ONE Show - Thurs BBC1 - 4.50m
17 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.27m
18 The Voice Kids - Sat ITV - 4.19m
19 The Week The Landlords Moved In - Wed BBC1 - 3.98m
20 Peter Kay's (Lack Of) Comedy Shuffle - Fri BBC1 - 3.89m
21 Broken - Tues BBC1 - 3.88m
22 Supermarket Shopping Secrets - Mon BBC1 - 3.74m
These consolidated figures, published weekly by the British Audience Research Bureau, include all viewers who watched programmes live and on various forms of catch-up TV and video-on-demand during the seven days after initial broadcast. They do not, however, include those who watched on BBC's iPlayer or ITV Player via their computers. Once again, viewing figures were generally down across the board this particular week despite the hot weather disappearing as suddenly as it had appeared. The BBC1's latest - not very good at all - music lack-of-talent show, Pitch Battle, continued to be ignored by all but the most undiscerning of punters. whilst ITV's - extremely similar - The Voice Kids, which was broadcast in the same Saturday evening slot as Pitch Battle did much better, attracting a consolidated audience of 4.19 million. Doctor Who, as usual, had a near-two million timeshift above the initially-reported overnight figure for the epic series finale The Doctor Falls. ITV's new vehicle for That Worthless Oily Twat Piers Morgan, Killer Women, was watched by but 2.43 million, a drop of six hundred thousand punters over the previous week's series opener.
Great British Menu dominated BBC2's top thirty programmes list, occupying the top three and five of the top six places. Tuesday's episode was the most-watched with 2.67 million viewers. Gardeners' World (2.39m) and the latest episode of Ripper Street (2.09 million) were the only shows preventing a complete Great British Menu occupation of the top ten. Hospital was watched by 2.05 million, followed by George Best: All By Himself (1.99 million), Mock The Week (1.58 million), Frankie Boyle's New World Order (1.28 million), The World's Most Extraordinary Homes (1.27 million), The Life Swap Adventure (also 1.27 million), Dad's Army (1.14 million), Mary Berry Everyday (1.13 million) and Horizon (also 1.13 million). Channel Four's highest-rated broadcast was for The Crystal Maze Z-List Celebrity Special (2.77 million) ahead of Twenty Four Hours In A&E (2.05 million) and the latest episode of The Handmaid's Tale (1.96 million). The Supervet had 1.89 million, Twenty Four Hours Banged-Up In Pollis Custody (With All The Murderers And The Rapists And The People Who Nick Stuff from ASDA), 1.87 million, The Last Leg With Adam Hills, 1.83 million, First Dates, 1.75 million, Ackley Bridge, 1.69 million, Dunkirk: The New Evidence, 1.50 million and Naked Attraction, 1.31 million. The Hotel Inspector was Channel Five's top performer with an audience of 1.62 million. The Dog Rescuer With Alan Davies drew 1.44 million, Murdered By My Daughter, 1.42 million and Paul O'Grady's depressingly awful revival of Blind Date continued to lose viewers at a steady rate, its third episode attracting 1.32 million - two hundred thousand down on the previous episode as yet more of the audience realised what they should have known in the first place - that the Blind Date format was a right load of old toot even when national treasure Cilla was presenting it, let alone yer man O'Grady. The most-watched episode of Big Brother during the week was Wednesday's 1.18 million. Greatest Z-List Celebrity Wind-Ups Ever!, which was every bit as bad as its screamingly over-the-top (and sneeringly smart-alec) title suggests, was watched by 1.08 million punters - with, seemingly, nothing better or more constructive to do with their time at 8pm on a Saturday evening. Allow this blogger to suggest, perhaps, going out, drinking lots of Bacardi Breezers and then having some disappointing sex as a potential alternative to watching this kind of moronic cut-and-paste telly for the hard of thinking. Just sayin'. Sky Sports 1's coverage of Live British & Irish Lions Tour rugby was seen by seven hundred and twenty thousand punters. Continued coverage of the European Under Twenty Ones Football Championship drew three hundred and fifty three thousand. On Sky Sports 2, coverage of Live RL One Day Cup cricket had two hundred and thirty four thousand viewers whilst England's second match of the ICC Women's World Cup - an easy victory over Bangladesh - was watched by seventy one thousand. Cricket also topped Sky Sport 3's list, the latest One Day International between the West Indies and India being seen by seventy seven thousand. Sky Sports 4's Live European Tour Golf - or, Hours Of Televised Sky as it should, more accurately, be called - had one hundred and nine thousand. Monday's Sky Sports Tonight was top of the shop on Sky Sports News HQ, with ninety three thousand punters. Sky F1's repeat of the Azerbaijan Grand Prix was watched by eighteen thousand. Sky 1's weekly top-ten was headed by the latest episode of that hateful and banal exercise in smugness and celebrity-by-non-entity, A League Of Their Own with 1.07 million people, every single one of whom needs their bloody heads examining for any signs of brain activity if they find this toxic, full-of-its-own-importance vomit even remotely amusing and weren't just watching in the forlorn hope that either Corden or Whitehall might do something spectacularly stupid which resulted in their painful hospitalisation. That's the only reason this blogger tunes-in to be fair. The Blacklist followed (seven hundred and seventy four thousand). Mount Pleasant was seen by five hundred and sixteen thousand and MacGyver by four hundred and twenty one thousand. Sky Atlantic's list was topped by the third episode of the much-trailed Riviera (four hundred and forty eight thousand) whilst a Game Of Thrones repeat was seen by one hundred and eighty six thousand punters. Last Week Tonight With John Oliver had one hundred and fifty four thousand, Veep, one hundred and thirty thousand and Silicon Valley, one hundred and nineteen thousand. On Sky Living, the latest episode of Madam Secretary was seen by five hundred and ten thousand whilst Nashville had three hundred and thirty one thousand. Nothing To Declare drew one hundred and forty six thousand and Criminal Minds, one hundred and forty two thousand. Sky Arts' Master Of Photography was watched by one hundred thousand viewers. Coverage of The Isle Of Wight Festival had sixty eight thousand and The US Versus Alcoholic Wife-Beating Scouse Junkie John Lennon, forty eight thousand. Endeavour was ITV3's top-rated drama (1.09 million viewers). Lewis was seen by nine hundred and eighty four thousand, Foyle's War by six hundred and thirty thousand and Murder She Wrote by five hundred and eighty three thousand in the first week in living memory that an episode of Midsomer Murders hasn't featured in the ITV3 top-ten list.Truly, we are living in the end of days, dear blog reader. Tour De France Highlights coverage headed ITV4's weekly list with six hundred and seventy nine thousand punters. A broadcast of Dr No attracted three hundred and ninety two thousand. ITV2's list of shame was topped by Love Island - a truly depressing 2.76 million, the highest multichannels audience of the week and one of a horrifying six episodes of the hateful 'z-list celebrity scumfest' to attract an audience of more than two million viewers on ITV2. Broken Britain in one shameful statistic, dear blog reader. The Pop Group were right, we are all prostitutes now. The Americans headed ITV Encore's top ten with one hundred and twenty thousand viewers, followed by Vera (ninety nine thousand) and DCI Banks (seventy two thousand). The Real Housewives Of New York was watched by two hundred and thirty six thousand of the sort of people who enjoy such risible exercises in z-list-celebrity-by-non-entity on ITVBe. BBC4's list was headed by The Art Of Japanese Life (eight hundred and two thousand punters). Japan: Earth's Enchanted Isle had seven hundred and forty four thousand and Nature's Great Events, six hundred and twenty nine thousand. Handmade In Japan was seen by six hundred and eighteen thousand, Tom Jones's 1950s: The Decade That Made Me by five hundred and forty thousand, Castles: Britain's Fortified History by five hundred and seventeen thousand, a repeat of the excellent Michael Mosley-fronted Pain, Pus & Poisons: The Search For Modern Medicines by five hundred and four thousand, the docudrama Spies Of Warsaw by four hundred and seventy thousand and The Good Old Days, by four hundred and sixty one thousand. But, chiefly dear blog readers, yourselves. 5USA's latest NCIS Los Angeles episode was viewed by four hundred and fifty four thousand viewers and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit by two hundred and ninety four thousand. NCIS topped the most-watched programme list of CBS Action (one hundred and fifty four thousand). Shots Fired was the most-watched drama on FOX's viewing list with one hundred and fifty two thousand. Family Guy drew one hundred and thirty three thousand and Bull, one hundred and five thousand. Ransom was seen by three hundred and forty six thousand on The Universal Channel, followed by Chance (two hundred and five thousand), NCIS (ninety three thousand) and the movie Conspiracy Theory (eighty eight thousand). On Dave, Mock The Week was watched by three hundred and seventy four thousand, Dara O'Briain's Go Eight Bit by three hundred and seventy one thousand and Have I Got A Bit More News For You, by three hundred and sixty five thousand. Drama's Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries was seen by four hundred and thirty thousand viewers. Death In Paradise was watched by four hundred and seventeen thousand, WPC Fifty Six by four hundred and thirteen thousand and New Tricks by three hundred and ninety eight thousand. For some inexplicable reason, however, the channel's most-watched programme was Hetty Wainthropp Investigates (four hundred and forty five thousand). Another example of Broken Britain, dear blog reader. Alibi's highest-rated programme was Rosewood (two hundred and eleven thousand) whilst The Coroner had one hundred and forty four thousand, Quantico, one hundred and twenty six thousand and Death In Paradise, one hundred and twenty two thousand. Inspector George Gently was seen by ninety three thousand. The Sony Channel's top ten was headed by XXX: State Of The Union (one hundred and ten thousand). Yesterday's Royal Murder Mysteries had three hundred and eighty six thousand, whilst the channel's latest repeat run of Porridge continued with two hundred and ninety four thousand. On the Discovery Channel, Tanked attracted one hundred and eighty thousand viewers. Gold Divers had one hundred and thirty seven thousand, Deadliest Catch, one hundred and thirty three thousand, Wor Geet Canny Robson Green: Extreme Fisherman, one hundred and twenty thousand and Naked & Afraid, one hundred and four thousand. From The North cult favourite Wheeler Dealers topped the weekly list of Discovery Shed (forty four thousand) and also appeared in the top ten of Discovery Turbo (twenty seven thousand). Discovery History's Air Wars and Weapon Hunter headed the top ten, both with thirty thousand. Tony Robinson's World War I attracted twenty one thousand, as did Battlefields and The Quest For Captain Kidd. On Discovery Science, Through The Wormhole With Morgan Freeman was seen by forty nine thousand viewers and How To Survive An Asteroid Strike by forty five thousand. On Quest, Salvage Hunters was watched by two hundred and twenty six thousand. Pick's The Force: Essex and World's Most Evil & Sick Fuckers had audiences of three hundred and seventy thousand and two hundred and eighty five thousand respectively. National Geographic's list was headed by the latest episode of Wicked Tuna with eighty six thousand viewers, followed by Supercar Megabuild (fifty nine thousand) and Air Crash Investigations (fifty eight thousand). National Geographic Wild's Wild Far East was watched by forty five thousand. The History Channel's most-watched programmes were the opening episode of the much-trailed Robert Redford's The West (two hundred and fifty five thousand) and Forged In Fire (two hundred and twenty eight thousand). On Military History, Cowboys & Outlaws was seen by fifty one thousand punters and Wellington Versus Napoleon: Aftermath Of Waterloo by thirty nine thousand. UFO Hunters drew twenty five thousand punters with tin-foil hats. The oddly addictive Homicide Hunter, The Jail Atlanta: Sixty Days In, The First Forty Eight and I Married My Killer were Crime & Investigation's top-rated programmes with seventy two thousand, sixty five thousand, fifty six thousand and forty three thousand blood-and-snots-lovers, respectively. I Am Homicide, From The North's current camp-as-a-row-of-tents guilty pleasure, Evil Stepmothers and Reasonable Doubt headed Investigation Discovery's list (eighty seven thousand, eighty five thousand and fifty four thousand). The latest of GOLD's Mrs Brown's Boys repeat had four hundred and seventy nine thousand. Comedy Central's largest audience of the week was for Your Face Or Mine with two hundred and eight thousand. Your TV's repeat of Bones series four continued with one hundred and twenty thousand. On More4, the British TV debut of Outlander was the highest-rated programme with 1.01 million viewers. Grand Designs: Australia had three hundred and eighty five thousand and Selling Homes With Amanda Lamb, three hundred and fifty five thousand. E4's list was topped by Hollyoaks (a rather below-par nine hundred and five thousand for a series which normally manages to top the one million viewers mark at least once a week). The Marvel movie, Thor was watched by eight hundred and six thousand. Dark Matter, headed Syfy's top-ten with two hundred and fifty five thousand. Two classic SF cult movies of the 1970s, Logan's Run and Westworld, brought in one hundred and twelve thousand and ninety nine punters respectively. The Horror Channel's top ten was headed by The Vatican Tapes (one hundred and thirty five thousand). The channel's top-ten also included Chernobyl Diaries (ninety thousand) and Tales From The Darkside (eighty eight thousand). The Wrong Arm of The Law, Endless Night and the Ealing comedy classic Two-Way Stretch topped Talking Pictures list, with fifty thousand, fifty thousand and forty thousand respectively. On Forces TV, Hogan's Heroes was watched by thirty eight thousand whilst a very welcome repeat run of Gerry Anderson's UFO was seen by eighteen thousand. World's Deadliest Weather: Caught On Camera drew one hundred and eighty one thousand punters on Spike, as did Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! Frontier Borneo was watched by thirty seven thousand on Eden. Lone Star Law was the Animal Planet's most-watched programme with forty thousand. Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders on W attracted three hundred and sixty one thousand punters. On True Crime, Crime Three Sixty and Killer Kids were seen by eighty six thousand and eighty one thousand respectively. True Entertainment's M*A*S*H was watched by one hundred and fifty eight thousand and the movie The Scarlet & The Black by one hundred and thirty one thousand. Gordon's Great Escape drew sixty nine thousand on Good Food whilst Hateful Rachel Khoo's Kitchen Notebook attracted sixty seven thousand punters. In the case of the latter, in exactly the same way that a lump of dog shite in the streets attracts lots of flies. TLC's list was headed by the woefully nasty Curvy Brides Boutique and the equally horrible Say Yes To The Dress (both one hundred and fifty nine thousand). Shameful waste-of-oxygen Ex On The Beach on MTV was viewed by five hundred and nineteen thousand. Ghost Adventures and Most Haunted were seen by two hundred and fifty four thousand and two hundred and one thousand punters on Really. Which, given the subject matter of these two should, possibly, be rechristened 'No-Not-Really'. Tom & Jerry attracted ninety three thousand on Boomerang whilst Be Cool, Scooby-Doo! had eighty one thousand. Like, zoinks. The fascinating documentary Tesla topped PBS America's weekly list with twenty thousand viewers. Spankin' New: Royal Blood drew six thousand on Scuzz. Yes, there really is a channel called Scuzz, dear blog reader and six thousand people seemingly watch it. Honest. Mind you, that's still six thousand more than were reported to have tuned-in to a mid-afternoon Blue Peter repeat on Cbeebies. It's interesting, though, isn't it that some full-of-himself cock splash of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star chose to concentrate on that figure and not, say, the five hundred and forty eight thousand Cbeebies viewers watching Topsy &Tim or the five hundred and thirty one thousand who watched Sarah & Duck or the five hundred and twenty thousand watching Old Jack's Boat and even the four hundred and thirty three thousand viewers tuned into Clangers. If one didn't know better one might almost assume there was some sick agenda going down there. Horrible Holly Willoughby 'could be in line' to replace Ant McPartlin on I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want) according to this. So, merely one more reason not to watch it, dear blog reader.
