... And The Next Doctor Is

So, if you had money on anyone else to get the gig, dear blog reader, tough you've lost.

The very excellent Jodie Whittaker will play the thirteenth Doctor in Doctor Who. Or, the fourteenth, if you count John Hurt. Or, the fifteenth, if you count Richard Hurndall. Or, the sixteenth, if you count David Bradley. Or, the seventeenth, if you count Peter Cushing. Or, the eighteenth, if you count that bloke who played the character on stage in Seven Keys To Doomsday in 1974. Listen, she's playing a Doctor, all right, the actual number is hugely unimportant.

Jodie - the very first ladygirl to play the title role in the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama - is thirty five and was born in Skelmanthorpe, near Huddersfield. She trained at the Guildhall School of Music and Drama, graduating in 2005. She made her professional debut in The Storm at Shakespeare's Globe that same year. She has since worked extensively in film, television, radio and te theatre. In her first major break, she played the duel role of Jessie and the title character in the film Venus in 2007. In 2010, Jodie appeared in the movie The Kid and also co-starred in BBC1's Accused. The following year she was superb in a rather good ITV thriller mini-series, Marchlands. She appeared as Viv in the BBC's adaptation of The Night Watch and was in the cult movie Attack The Block. She is probably best known to most dear blog readers for her role as Beth, the mother of murder victim Danny Lattimer, in three series of the hugely popular detective drama Broadchurch (created by her new showrunner on Doctor Who, Chris Chibnall).

Two quick points about Jodie's casting from this blogger; firstly - which newspaper was it that claimed to have 'a source' who was telling them six months ago that Kris Marshall had already joined the Doctor Who cast and would be appearing before the end of the series as the next Doctor? The Daily Mirra wasn't it? They were a far more accurate newspaper when they used to hack people's phones, at least they got one or two stories right in those days. So, would you care to name your alleged 'source', you Mirra-type people? Because he or she was, clearly, lying to you. If he or she ever existed of course. Which he or she almost certainly did not.

Secondly, most of the reactions that this blogger saw in the immediate aftermath of the announcement on Facebook were jolly positive - which, to be fair, Keith Telly Topping kind of expected from the vast majority of the people that he chooses to hang around with on the Interweb. There was, however one particular noxious thread he saw - started, not by one of Those People please note, but rather by a person this blogger has always had a great deal of time for - in which lots of toys were being thrown out of prams and nonsense wittered about 'PC gone mad' and the like. (Interestingly, a phrase which appeared almost word-for-word in a comment posted on the Daily Scum Mail website concerning the possibility of a female Doctor. One wonders if the person who made that comment on Facebook enjoys the idea that they share something in common with a Daily Scum Mail reader. I'm guessing probably not.) The thread, however, now seems to have disappeared. Curiously, it did so almost immediately after this blogger suggested on it that one or two people contributing to it needed to, ahem, 'grow the fuck up' if they were getting so vexed and discombobulated over 'an actor being cast in a TV show.' Is there nothing, dear blog reader, that yer actual Keith Telly Topping can't achieve? Next on his agenda, peace in the Middle East. Give him a couple of hours, he'll have it all sorted ...

Someone on Twitter meanwhile, took four particularly ludicrous Daily Scum Mail reader comments about the potential casting of a woman as The Doctor and has, deliciously, turned them into title captions for the next series. And, already, someone is setting up a podcast called A TARDIS Full of Bras, apparently! This blogger massively approves.

The current era production of Doctor Who - which this blogger thought was great, incidentally - will be coming to an end at Christmas but the team behind the show have no intention to stop working together. Brian Minchin – producer on the BBC's long-running popular family SF drama since 2013 – has been hired by Sherlock producers Hartswood Films, where he will continue to work closely with The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE). Minchin's new job is head of drama development at the company's Cardiff production base, Hartswood West, where he will reportedly develop original dramas and work on existing Hartswood projects. 'I've worked very closely with Brian for the last four years on Doctor Who and he's a brilliant and creative producer and a good friend,' said The Moffinator. 'Now that I'm leaving Who to concentrate on Hartswood projects, I couldn't be more delighted that Brian is doing the same.' Steven has already announced he will be developing a new version of Dracula for Hartswood and his Sherlock co-creator, Mark Gatiss his very self. Sherlock producer Sue Vertue serves as producer and board director at Hartswood. The company was originally established by her mother, Beryl Vertue, in the 1980s.

Astronomers say that they have detected 'strange signals' coming from the direction of a small, dim star located about eleven light-years from Earth. Researchers reportedly picked up the mysterious signals on 12 May using the Arecibo Observatory, a huge radio telescope built inside a Puerto Rican sinkhole. The radio signals appear to be coming from Ross One-Two-Eight, a red dwarf star which is not yet known to have any planets orbiting it and is about two thousand eight hundred times dimmer than the Sun. Abel Méndez, an astrobiologist at the University of Puerto Rico at Arecibo, said that the star was observed for ten minutes, during which time the signal was picked up and 'almost periodic.' Méndez said that it is 'extremely unlikely' intelligent extraterrestrial life is responsible, but noted that the possibility 'can't yet be ruled out. The SETI groups are aware of the signals,' Méndez wrote in an e-mail to Business Insider. He added that once translated, the message read 'So, who's the new Doctor then?'

Gwendoline Christie has praised Game Of Thrones for changing the platform for women on television. The actress made the comments during a Thrones special on the Entertainment Weekly Network. 'This was a television show that would put women at the forefront,' she said. 'We were going to explore female characters in a way that conventionally doesn't happen. They wouldn't simply exist as the mother role, the girlfriend role, the wife role, or the sister. They would be people in their own right. I think putting women to the fore is what has changed the platform for television now,' she added.

Poundland has reportedly been forced to delay the launch of a Toblerone copycat after getting stuck in a legal wrangle with the triangular chocolate bar's owners. Last month, the budget chain announced plans to begin selling Twin Peaks, a bar with two humps rather than the distinctive single peak chunks of the Toblerone bar, which is one of the discounter's biggest sellers. Instead of featuring the iconic Matterhorn on its red and gold packaging, the Poundland version featured the Wrekin, a hill in Shropshire near the company's head office and was made in Birmingham rather than Switzerland. At one hundred and eighty grams, it was also thirty grams heavier than the one pound Toblerone currently available. The Twin Peaks bar was initially planned to launch at the beginning of this month and then delayed until the middle of July. The Gruniad Morning Star claimed it is 'understood' that Poundland still plans to go ahead with selling Twin Peaks, but the launch has been delayed after the company received a legal letter from Toblerone telling them to cut it out. A spokesman for Poundland said: 'Twin Peaks is still in development.'

And, speaking of Twin Peaks, there's a great piece by the Gruniad's Tom Huddleston on the best bits of the first nine episode which this blogger urges you to check out, dear blog reader. Keith Telly Topping particularly enjoyed this bit: 'The moment Michael Cera appeared in Twin Peaks – astride a gleaming hog, sounding exactly like Marlon Brando in The Wild One – you could almost hear the global fan community cry out in horror. Twin Peaks is a place for cool kids, dammit, not blockbuster stars! But the bizarre pairing of Lynch and Cera produced a miracle, a rambling monologue that wasn't just funny but loveable, earnest and pointed. There's a message here for the hardcore fans and cosplayers: David Lynch loves you, but doesn't take you as seriously as you take yourselves.

And, this bit: 'Like 'Revolution Number Nine' or the ballet sequence from The Red Shoes, the eighth episode [of Twin Peak: The Return] is destined to go down as one of the most widely experienced works of pure avant-garde art. Within moments of its airing the Internet had exploded. And, although it is possible to pinpoint some of Lynch's influences – Stanleys Kubrick and Brakhage, original eight millimetre atom bomb photography, his own Eraserhead and Dune – the confluence of elements feels completely unique and completely astonishing. There are 'normal' moments – Coop and Ray's night-drive, the flirty fifties teens – but they're islands in an ocean of stark beauty and poetic terror. Let's see mainstream telly try to absorb this.' What He said.

And now, dear blog reader, the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Seven programmes broadcast, week-ending Sunday 9 July 2017:-
1 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 7.97m
2 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 6.64m
3 Emmerdale - Thurs ITV - 6.08m
4 Poldark - Sun BBC1 - 5.98m
5 The Loch - Sun ITV - 5.26m
6 Wimbledon 2017 - Fri BBC1 - 4.86m
7 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.81m
8 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 4.71m
9 Peter Kay's (Lack Of) Comedy Shuffle - Fri BBC1 - 4.67m
10 Fearless - Mon ITV - 4.49m
11 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.36m
12 Who Do You Think You Are? - Thurs BBC1 - 4.20m
13 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.09m
14 Fake Or Fortune? - Sun BBC1 - 3.93m
15 Ten O'Clock News - Thurs BBC1 - 3.91m
16 Joanna Lumley's India - Wed ITV - 3.81m
17 Six O'Clock News - Fri BBC1 - 3.66m
18 Broken - Tues BBC1 - 3.60m
19 Watchdog - Wed BBC1 - 3.37m
20 Love Your Garden - Wed ITV - 3.36m
21 Mrs Brown's Boys - Fri BBC1 - 3.32m
22 The Voice Kids - Sat ITV - 3.29m
23 Killer Women With Smug Oily Twat Piers Morgan - Thurs ITV - 3.23m
24 The Week The Landlords Moved In - Wed BBC1 - 3.03m
25 ITV News - Mon ITV - 2.96m
26 The Betrayed Girls - Mon BBC1 - 2.86m
27 The ONE Show - Tues BBC1 - 2.63m
These consolidated figures, published weekly by the British Audience Research Bureau, include all viewers who watched programmes live and on various forms of catch-up TV and video-on-demand during the seven days after initial broadcast. They do not, however, include those who watched on BBC's iPlayer or ITV Player via their computers. Once again, viewing figures were generally down across the board this particular week despite much of the hot weather disappearing as suddenly as it had appeared. The BBC1's latest - not very good at all - music lack-of-talent show, Pitch Battle, continued to be ignored by all but the most un-discerning of punters. An episode of EastEnders, switched to BBC2 due to BBC1's Wimbledon coverage, headed the channel's top thirty programmes list with an audience of 4.15 million. A brilliant figure for a BBC2 broadcast, though a rather underwhelming one for an episode of Easties. Wednesday's episode of Today At Wimbledon was the most-watched of the nightly highlight shows with 1.89 million viewers. Ripper Street (1.78m) and the latest episode of Hospital (1.63 million) followed. Mock The Week was watched by 1.56 million, Hampton Court Palace Flower Show by 1.42 million, The Life Swap Adventure by (1.24 million, Dragons' Den by 1.13 million, Flog It! by eight hundred and three thousand, Count Arthur Strong by seven hundred and forty one thousand, Museum Of The Year by seven hundred and forty thousand, Coast by seven hundred and thirteen thousand, Wednesday's Newsnight by six hundred and eighty one thousand and a Qi XL repeat by six hundred and thirty four thousand. Channel Four's highest-rated broadcast was for The Crystal Maze Z-List Celebrity Special (2.33 million) ahead of Twenty Four Hours Banged-Up In Pollis Custody (With All The Murderers And The Rapists And The People Who Nick Stuff from ASDA) (2.12 million) and the latest episode of The Handmaid's Tale (1.98 million). Secrets Of China's Forbidden City had 1.95 million, F1: Austrian GP Highlights, 1.86 million, Twenty Four Hours In A&E, also 1.86 million, The Last Leg With Adam Hills, 1.68 million, First Dates, 1.67 million, Ackley Bridge, 1.56 million and Secrets Of Your Cruise, 1.54 million. Odious Eamonn & Horrible Ruth: How The Other Half Lives was Channel Five's top performer with an audience of 1.64 million. The Dog Rescuer With Alan Davies drew 1.47 million, The Hotel Inspector, 1.39 million, All New Traffic Cops, 1.31 million and The Highland Midwife, 1.14 million. The most-watched episode of Big Brother during the week was Thursday's 1.13 million. Paul O'Grady's depressingly awful revival of Blind Date continued to lose viewers at a rapid rate, its fourth episode attracting but 1.03 million - three hundred thousand down on the previous episode as yet more of the audience realised that the Blind Date format was a right load of old toot even when national treasure Cilla was presenting it, let alone yer man O'Grady. Sky Sports 1's coverage of Live British & Irish Lions Tour rugby was seen by eight hundred and fifty two thousand punters. On Sky Sports 2, coverage of Live Test Cricket cricket and England's victory over South Africa in the opening test had three hundred and seventy one thousand viewers whilst Live T20 Blast was watched by one hundred and ninety eight thousand. Cricket also topped Sky Sport 3's list, highlights of the first test on Sunday evening getting ninety thousand and England's victory over Australia in Live ICC Women's World Cup Cricket being seen by fifty six thousand. And, jolly exciting it was too. Sky Sports 4's Live European Tour Golf - or, Hours Of Televised Sky as it should, more accurately, be called - had eighty two thousand. Tuesday's Sky Sports Tonight was top of the shop on Sky Sports News HQ, with one hundred and thirty thousand punters. Sky F1's coverage of the Austrian Grand Prix was watched by ... some people. Probably quite a few. Because someone at Sky hadn't bothered to get their figures to BARB in time, however, this blogger is unable to tell you exactly how many. The simultcast on Sky Sports 1, on the other hand, attracted two hundred and thirty three thousand punters. Sky 1's weekly top-ten was headed by the start of Ross Kemp: Extreme World with eight hundred and thirty three thousand. The latest episode of that hateful and banal exercise in smugness and celebrity-by-non-entity, A League Of Their Own had seven hundred and thirty two thousand viewers, every single one of whom needs their bloody heads examining for any signs of brain activity if they find this toxic, full-of-its-own-importance vomit even remotely amusing and weren't just watching on the off-chance that either Corden or Whitehall might do something spectacularly stupid which resulted in their extremely painful hospitalisation. That's the only reason this blogger occasionally tunes-in, to be fair. Zoo followed (five hundred and twenty eight thousand). The Force: North East was seen by two hundred and eighty three thousand and The Simpsons by two hundred and sixty eight thousand. Sky Atlantic's list was topped by the clip show Game Of Thrones Greatest Moments (two hundred and ninety four thousand) as the channel, like everyone else awaits, eagerly, for the start of series seven. The fourth episode of the much-trailed Riviera had two hundred and seventy thousand whilst Last Week Tonight With John Oliver was seen by two hundred and forty five thousand punters. The latest episode of Twin Peaks: The Return was watched by one hundred and seventy one thousand and The Leftovers by one hundred and fifty thousand. On Sky Living, Madam Secretary was seen by five hundred and seventy nine thousand whilst Nashville had three hundred and sixty five thousand. Criminal Minds drew one hundred and nineteen thousand. Sky Arts' Master Of Photography was watched by ninety eight thousand viewers. The Summer Of Love had forty three thousand and a Classic Albums episode focusing on Cream's Disraeli Gears, thirty seven thousand. Lewis was ITV3's top-rated drama (eight hundred and sixty five thousand viewers). Endeavour was seen by eight hundred and forty nine thousand, Agatha Christie's Marple by five hundred and twenty six thousand and Foyle's War by five hundred and twenty three thousand in the second week in living memory that not a single episode of Midsomer Murders featured in the ITV3 top-ten list. Shocking and stunning, dear blog reader, shocking and stunning. Tour De France Highlights headed ITV4's weekly list with eight hundred and forty eight thousand punters. A broadcast of Jaws attracted three hundred and seventy one thousand. ITV2's list of shame was topped by Love Island - a truly depressing 2.91 million, the highest multichannels audience of the week and one of a horrifying six episodes of the hateful 'z-list celebrity scumfest' to attract an audience of more than two-and-a-half million viewers on ITV2. Broken Britain in one shameful statistic, dear blog reader. The Pop Group were right, we are all prostitutes now. The movie Gravity pulled in seven hundred and twenty two thousand, which does slightly restore ones faith that not everyone who watched ITV2 is a brain-dead glake. Just most of them. The Americans headed ITV Encore's top ten with one hundred and eleven thousand viewers, followed by Vera (eighty six thousand) and DCI Banks (seventy thousand). The Real Housewives Of New Jersey was watched by two hundred and eighteen thousand of the sort of people who enjoy such risible exercises in z-list-celebrity-by-non-entity on ITVBe. BBC4's list was headed by The Queen Mary: The Greatest Ocean Liner (six hundred and ninety seven thousand punters). Britain Beneath Your Feet had six hundred and twenty thousand and Nature's Great Events, four hundred and sixty seven thousand. Rock 'N' Roll Guns For Hire: The Story Of The Sidemen was seen by four hundred and eighteen thousand, Castles: Britain's Fortified History by four hundred and two thousand, Colour: The Spectrum Of Science by three hundred and seventy nine thousand, a repeat of the excellent Science & Islam by three hundred and seventy two thousand, the latest The Sky At Night by three hundred and fifty three thousand and Horizon, by three hundred and forty three thousand. 5USA's latest Chicago PD episode was viewed by six hundred and one thousand viewers and NCIS: Los Angeles by four hundred and seventy nine thousand. NCIS topped the most-watched programme list of CBS Action (one hundred and thirty six thousand). Shots Fired was the most-watched drama on FOX's viewing list with one hundred and eighty four thousand. Family Guy drew one hundred and forty seven thousand and American Dad!, one hundred and forty two thousand. Ransom was seen by four hundred thousand viewers on The Universal Channel, followed by Chance (one hundred and twenty seven thousand), the movie Sleeping With The Enemy (one hundred and five thousand) and Major Crimes (ninety five thousand). On Dave, Dara O'Briain's Go Eight Bit was watched by four hundred and ninety thousand and Red Bull Soapbox, by four hundred and sixty eighty thousand. Would I Lie To You? attracted three hundred and thirty five thousand. Drama's Death In Paradise was seen by four hundred and eighty three thousand viewers. The Doctor Blake Mysteries was watched by four hundred and fifty six thousand, WPC Fifty Six by four hundred and twenty two thousand and New Tricks by four hundred and one thousand. Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries had three hundred and ninety eight thousand. Alibi's highest-rated programme was Rosewood (one hundred and eighty seven thousand) whilst Quantico had one hundred and thirty eight thousand, The Coroner, one hundred and thirty thousand and Death In Paradise, one hundred and fifteen thousand. The Sony Channel's top ten was headed by Saving Hope (forty five thousand). Yesterday's Forbidden History had two hundred and fifty six thousand, whilst Battle of Britain attracted two hundred and twenty six thousand and Royal Murder Mysteries, two hundred and twenty one thousand. On the Discovery Channel, Tanked was seen by one hundred and eighty nine thousand viewers. Gold Divers had one hundred and forty two thousand, Devil's Canyon, one hundred and five thousand, Wor Geet Canny Robson Green: Extreme Fisherman, ninety two thousand and Naked & Afraid, ninety thousand. From The North cult favourite Wheeler Dealers topped the weekly list of Discovery Shed (twenty seven thousand) and also appeared in the top ten of Discovery Turbo (thirty eight thousand). Discovery History's The Viet'Nam War headed the top ten with twenty five thousand. Frontline Battle Machines attracted twenty three thousand, whilst Out Of Egypt and America: Facts Versus Fiction both had fourteen thousand. On Discovery Science, How Do They Do It? was seen by forty eight thousand viewers. On Quest, Salvage Hunters was watched by two hundred and thirty thousand. Pick's The Force: Essex and Elementary had audiences of two hundred and ninety one thousand and two hundred and eleven thousand respectively. World's Most Evil & Sick Murdering Bastards had one hundred and eighty four thousand. National Geographic's list was headed by the latest episode of Wicked Tuna with ninety four thousand viewers, followed by Supercar Megabuild (ninety one thousand) and Seconds From Disaster (fifty seven thousand). National Geographic Wild's Safari Live was watched by forty eight thousand. The History Channel's most-viewed programmes were the second episode of the much-trailed Robert Redford's The West (two hundred and sixty six thousand) and Forged In Fire (one hundred and sixty five thousand). On Military History, Cowboys & Outlaws was seen by sixty six thousand punters and Ancient Assassins by thirty three thousand. The Jail Atlanta: Sixty Days In, Killing Spree, Most Shocking Murders and Crimes That Shook The Crap Out Of Britain Till It Could Be Shaken No More were Crime & Investigation's top-rated programmes with sixty two thousand, fifty thousand, forty one thousand and forty thousand blood-and-snots-lovers, respectively. One of From The North's current guilty pleasures, Homicide Hunter had thirty five thousand. Murder Calls, Evil Online, Murderisation Among Friends and another From The North guilty pleasure, the remarkable Evil Stepmothers headed Investigation Discovery's list (one hundred and one thousand, sixty three thousand, fifty five thousand and fifty one thousand). The latest of GOLD's Mrs Brown's Boys repeat had two hundred and fifty eight thousand. Comedy Central's largest audience of the week was for Your Face Or Mine with two hundred and five thousand. Your TV's repeat of Bones series four continued with one hundred and three thousand. On More4, the British TV debut of Outlander was the highest-rated programme with eight hundred and twenty two thousand viewers. The Yorkshire Dales & Lakes had seven hundred and forty one thousand and The Naked Village, three hundred and twenty seven thousand. E4's list was topped by Hollyoaks (a rather below-par eight hundred and eighty three thousand for a series which normally manages to top the one million viewers mark at least once a week). Dark Matter, headed Syfy's top-ten with two hundred and fifty five thousand. The Horror Channel's top ten was headed by Book Of Blood (one hundred and sixty three thousand). The channel's top-ten also included The Apparition (one hundred and thirty four thousand), Two Thousand & One Maniacs (seventy one thousand) and Forty Days & Forty Nights (sixty thousand). Dick Barton and Scales of Justice topped Talking Pictures list, with forty one thousand and thirty one thousand respectively. On Forces TV, Get Some In! was watched by thirty five thousand whilst a very welcome repeat run of Gerry Anderson's UFO was seen by thirty three thousand. Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! drew one hundred and sixty thousand on Spike. The classic Western The Big Country - and its excellent title music - had one hundred and fifty three thousand. Extreme Fishing With Wor Geet Canny Robson Green was watched by forty eight thousand on Eden. Bondi Vet was the Animal Planet's most-watched programme with sixty five thousand. Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders on W attracted three hundred and forty seven thousand punters. True Entertainment's Taggart was watched by one hundred and thirty six thousand murrrrrdaaaaah lovers. James Martin: Home Comforts drew sixty one thousand on Good Food. TLC's list was headed by the woefully nasty Say Yes To The Dress and the equally horrible Curvy Brides Boutique (one hundred and sixty nine thousand and one hundred and sixty seven thousand). Shameful waste-of-oxygen Ex On The Beach on MTV was viewed by five hundred and eighteen thousand. Ghost Adventures and Most Haunted were seen by two hundred and fifteen thousand and one hundred and seventy eight thousand punters on Really. Which, given the subject matter of these two horrorshows should, possibly, be rechristened 'No-Not-Really'. Tom & Jerry attracted seventy three thousand on Boomerang whilst Be Cool, Scooby-Doo! had fifty eight thousand. Like, zoinks. The American Experience topped PBS America's weekly list with sixteen thousand viewers. Proper Rock N' Heavy Metal drew seven thousand on Scuzz. Yes, there really is a channel called Scuzz, dear blog reader and seven thousand punters (with long-hair who enjoy bangin' their collective head) seemingly watch it. Honest. On Cbeebies, Topsy &Tim was seen by four hundred and sixty seven thousand, Octonauts by four hundred and sixty six thousand and Bing by four hundred and forty thousand. Miraculous: Tales Of Ladybug & Cat Noir had one hundred and twenty one thousand on the Pop Channel. This blogger would also love to tell you all what the top-rated show on God TV was, dear blog reader, but it seems The Lord has not supplied his viewing figures for this week. Which, given that he's omnipresent is a bit remiss, frankly.

Channel Four has announced a new series of Million Pound Drop but under a new name – The One Hundred Thousand Pound Drop. Budget cuts, eh? Remarkable Television, part of the Endemol Shine Group, revealed that Channel Four Daytime has commissioned a bumper sixty episodes of the game show. The One Hundred Thousand Pound Drop, which will be broadcast in an afternoon slot, sees host Davina McCall returning as 'a raft of brave new contestants' take on 'the dastardly Drop' and attempt to win a jackpot of ... a hundred thousand quid. Since Channel Four can no longer afford to offer a million knicker or anything even remotely like it.

The Football Association has charged the former Sutton keeper Wayne Shaw with breaching betting rules after he ate a pie in the FA Cup loss to The Arse. Shaw resigned after being shown on television eating the pie during February's fifth-round defeat. This followed a leading bookmaker offering pre-match odds of eight-to-one on him doing exactly that. The forty five-year-old has been charged with 'intentionally influencing a football betting market' and 'improper conduct.' Whether the pie also faces charges is not, at this time, known. Following the match, Shaw admitted to being 'aware' of the betting promotion, but claimed that the incident was 'just a bit of fun.' He was also made the subject of an investigation by the Gambling Commission, after Sun Bets claimed to have paid out 'a five-figure' sum for a bet placed on their promotion. 'We are told we are not allowed to gamble as it is full-time professional football,' Shaw told BBC Radio 4's World At One programme at the time. 'In no way did I put anyone in jeopardy of that - this is not the case here, this is just a bit of fun and me being hungry.'

According to this article, after damaging her vocal cords which resulted in her having to cancel a couple of concerts at Wembley earlier this month, Adele is 'still mute and forced to use sign language.' If the situation persists, it will probably mean her next CD would be a bit more experimental than the previous ones.

Tragically, the same condition has not affected Sting.

A woman from Springfield in Oregon was extremely arrested on Wednesday evening and charged with two counts of reckless endangerment after multiple drivers reported a car towing three children - her two-year-old daughter, four-year-old son and eight-year-old nephew - in a small, plastic red wagon going around a busy roundabout multiple times during rush hour. Scott McKee, a spokesperson for the Springfield Police Department, said that Alana Nicole Donahue admitted to officers that she was towing children behind her white Ford Taurus in a wagon attached with a rope. McKee told The Oregonian that Donahue suggested to police that this 'wasn't a big deal,' that she was 'showing the kids a good time' and claimed that she was only driving five miles-per-hour. 'I talked to a witness today that said she saw them go by her house in their neighbourhood and they were going like thirty miles-an-hour,' McKee said. Which suggests that either Donahue is lying or the witness is. Would you like to bet on which is more likely, dear blog reader?

In a press release, police said that a witness reported the youngest child begin to cry after the wagon went up on two wheels during the trip. Other witnesses told officials that Donahue was 'holding up traffic' and then 'yelling at motorists,' telling them to 'get out of her way' and '[mind their own business.' McKee said there was 'pretty heavy traffic' at the roundabout where Donahue was towing the children. 'Given the time of day, it's right at five o'clock, it's a busy intersection,' McKee said. 'It feeds from three different directions.' Drivers reportedly 'became impatient' and some were unable to see what was causing the delay. One motorist told police that they pulled out around a car, almost causing a collision. Officers evaluated Donahue at the scene when she was arrested several hours later. She did not appear to be under the influence of intoxicants. Officers contacted the Department of Human Services who 'placed Donahue's children with another person' whilst Donahue was booked at the Springfield Municipal Jail. If convicted she faces a lengthy spell in The Big House.

A Washington State woman is reportedly in big-style jail facing hate crime charges after her racist tirade against her neighbour was caught on camera. Shalisha Israel, of Spokane Valley, has been charged with three counts of malicious harassment and an additional charge of making a false statement, KREM reports. The cell phone video contained racially-motivated comments such as, 'go back to where you belong' and 'I think you might be terrorists! This is not your America! You are evil!' The suspect also shouted her mistaken belief that the victim was from Egypt. The victim, Nawar Al-Graiti, is a pre-nursing student who was able to immigrate to America from Iraq after his family helped American troops. 'When deputies arrived on scene, Israel came out from her apartment and started yelling at the family as they were talking to a deputy, according to court documents,' KREM reported. 'She also admitted to calling the family terrorists.' The victim said the racial abuse has been 'ongoing' for months. 'First time I avoid her, the second time, third time, fourth time, fifth time. Then I say okay and I told her I am calling the cops next time you talk to me,' Al-Graiti told KREM. 'I got this kind of situation that really makes me feel bad. Why is she doing that?'

The White House on Thursday made public a trove of e-mails that it received from voters offering comment on its Election Integrity Commission. The commission drew widespread criticism when it emerged into public view by asking for personal information, including addresses, partial social security numbers and party affiliation, on every voter in the country. It further outraged voters by planning to post that information publicly. Voters directed that outrage toward the Trump White House and the voter commission, often using profanity-laced language in the one hundred and twelve pages of e-mails released this week. 'You will open up the entire voting population to a massive amount of fraud if this data is in any way released,' one voter wrote. 'Many people will get their identity stolen, which will harm the economy,' wrote another. 'I respectfully request, as an American-born citizen legally eligible to vote for two decades, that you leave my voter data and history alone, do not publish it and do nothing with it,' said another. Unfortunately for these voters - and others who wrote in - the Trump administration did not redact any of their personal information from the e-mails before releasing them to the public. In some cases, the e-mails contain not only names, but also e-mail addresses, home addresses, phone numbers and places of employment of people worried about such information being made available to the public.

A woman is in jail after police claim that she vandalised property in downtown Tulsa. Well, who hasn't idly wanted to at some stage in their lives? Well, this blogger actually since he's never been there. I'm sure, it's lovely. After all, Gene Pitney thought a lot about it. Anyway, police say that Shelly Beekman was threatening people, throwing rubbish bins and breaking windows on South Main Street. As you do. Beekman was extremely taken into custody and booked on a malicious mischief complaint.

A couple ended up in A&E after they attempted to perform the iconic lift from Dirty Dancing ahead of their wedding. Bride-to-be Sharon Price and her fiancee, Andy, were left unconscious after their attempt to create the famous sequence in a beer garden 'went awry.' The pair, who have watched the Patrick Swayze moment 'more than thirty times,' thought it would be funny if they gave it a practice ahead of their big day. And, it was, though admittedly for all the wrong reasons. Things went seriously wrong when they collided – with Andy knocked out and cold and the pair both ending up sprawled on the floor.

A Southampton woman and a Bournemouth man have been arrested after 'a spate of Lego thefts.' Police were first called to the Smyths Toys Superstore in Bournemouth after two men and two women made off with six hundred knicker-worth of Lego without paying. Days later officers were called to a Tesco store in nearby Poole after two women stole four boxes of Lego valued at eight hundred and fifty eight smackers. The police were, frankly, baffled. Ten minutes later police received a further report that four people had pushed three trolleys containing Lego out of a Toys R Us store without paying and 'made off in a Vauxhall Vectra.' Which, as getaway cars go is a pretty piss-poor effort, frankly. The total value of the stolen Lego was said to be over thirty hundred and sixty quid. A thirty eight-year-old man and an thirty eight-year-old woman have now been extremely arrested on suspicion of theft. Active enquiries are ongoing to identify the further suspects. This blogger used to have a fine collection of Lego, dear blog reader. But he stopped playing with it when he was about twelve.

A teenage girl and two teenage boys in Mississippi have been arrested for allegedly forcing a woman to perform oral sex and broadcasting it on Facebook. Mind you, this is according to the Daily Scum Mail so it might be a load of lies. Hayleigh Alexis Hudson, aged nineteen and seventeen-year-old Ezzie Johnson were arrested on Wednesday night after a video of the attack went viral. Kadari Fabien Booker, seventeen, was also arrested. All three remain in Harrison County Jail. The disturbing footage was viewed more than forty seven thousand times before it was taken down.

A Lincoln woman was arrested after leading Nebraska State Patrol troopers on a high-speed chase on Interstate Eighty near North Platte on Friday, according to a news release. Claire Mason, thirty three, was cited for eighteen separate crimes, including fleeing to avoid arrest, a felony and reckless driving after speeding away during a traffic stop and leading troopers on a miles-long chase. A trooper pulled over Mason on westbound I-80 for speeding, according to the release. Mason refused to get out of her car and gave the trooper a false name. She also told the trooper that her license was suspended and she had a warrant for her arrest. Mason then sped off and a pursuit began, with speeds reaching one hundred miles per hour. Troopers used a tire deflator on Mason's car, but even then the pursuit continued for ten more miles. Mason was eventually stopped and very arrested a mile West of North Platte.

Kirsty Allsopp has dramatically announced that she has 'quit Twitter,' five days after she was 'attacked and mocked' for suggesting that keeping a washing machine in the kitchen was 'disgusting.' And, this banal nonsense constitutes 'news', apparently. The Pop Group were right, dear blog reader, we are all prostitutes now.

Meanwhile, This Morning presenter and worthless blonde thing Holly Willoughby also 'landed herself in a bit of bother' this week on social media. Apparently. Over ... something that nobody with more than a couple of braincells to rub together in their head actually gives a bollocks about. So, no change there, then.

A woman from Finksburg, Maryland was arrested after she allegedly assaulted a man with a vacuum cleaner. April Marie Robinson-Hall was charged with one count of second-degree assault. And, another count of possession of s sucking device. Robinson-Hall was initially held without bail, but Judge Brian Green released her on her own recognisance after a bail review. According to the statement of probable cause, Robinson-Hall and the man 'began arguing after he accused her of taking his prescribed medication.' The alleged victim stated that he attempted to leave the premises during the argument, at which point Robinson-Hall 'became physically violent' and struck him 'several times with a vacuum cleaner, injuring his wrist, hand, arm and leg.' The man told police he then left the venue and drove to a police station to report the shocking incident as he could not call to report the incident because he said Robinson-Hall had taken his cellphone. Two Maryland State Police troopers responded to the premises and extremely arrested Robinson-Hall, who allegedly was 'uncooperative' and made 'several threats against the troopers' as she was being taken into custody, according to the statement. A summons was issued the same day on charges of second-degree assault of a law enforcement officer and malicious destruction of property when Robinson-Hall allegedly struck an officer in the face in central booking, damaging the officer's glasses.

A Washington DC judge has tossed out a jury's conviction of a protester who laughed during the US Attorney General Jeff Sessions' Senate confirmation hearing, finding on Friday that the government had 'improperly argued' during the trial that her laughter was 'enough to merit a guilty verdict.' The judge ordered a new trial in the case, setting a court date for 1 September. Desiree Fairooz, who was associated with the group Code Pink, had been convicted of disorderly and disruptive conduct and demonstrating inside the Capitol. Fairooz was taken into custody during a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing in January after she laughed when Senator Richard Shelby claimed Sessions had 'a clear and well-documented' record of 'treating all Americans equally under the law.' (The Senate rejected Sessions' nomination for a federal judgeship in the 1980s over concerns about his views on race.) But Chief Judge Robert E Morin of the Superior Court of the District of Columbia overturned the guilty verdict on Friday because the government had argued that the laugh alone was enough to warrant the verdict. Morin said it was 'disconcerting' that the government made the case in closing arguments that the laughter in-and-of-itself was 'sufficient.' The rookie officer who seized Fairooz had never made an arrest previously and had 'no experience securing congressional hearings.' Nevertheless, prosecutors pressed forward with the case, insisting that 'laughter is enough' to merit criminal charges of disorderly and disruptive conduct and demonstrating inside the Capitol. Fairooz's attorney had argued that she had the right to object to her arrest as she was being taken out of the room and that a conviction based upon her conduct after the initial laugh 'could not stand.' Attorney Sam Bogash asked the judge to toss out the jury verdict. The jury, Bogash wrote, 'was not reasonable' in its evaluation of the evidence.

A woman has been arrested for entering a family's residence without permission and assaulting a child while yelling 'what sounded like voodoo curses,' according to an arrest affidavit. Sara Aranda, of Leander in Texas has been charged with burglary of a habitation with commission of an assault on a child, a felony that could be punishable up to twenty years in The Pokey. Brandi Duncan reportedly awoke after the woman entered the residence 'without force and began yelling.' Duncan's eleven-year-old son was asleep on the couch when Aranda struck him three times with a wooden stick yelling 'inaudible statements that sounded like she was making voodoo curses.' The child said that when Aranda struck him, she asked who was inside her house. The woman was able to enter the residence since the door was not shut properly. According to the affidavit, the woman 'may have mental health issues' - no shit? - 'based on her demeanour and statements' which 'were not clear or did not make sense.'

According to Fox Five News Atlanta, a woman was arrested after 'attempting to impersonate an undercover federal officer in order to receive a discount at a Chick-fil-A in Marietta.' Tara Marie Solem has been indicted with the charge of impersonating an officer, in addition to disorderly conduct. According to police documents, Solem stated that she 'was entitled to the law enforcement discount,' but company policy requires an individual to be in uniform in order to receive the discount. As a result, Solem entered the fast-food restaurant and 'became belligerent' while speaking with two different managers. She claimed that wearing a uniform could 'blow her cover' or 'possibly get her killed.' She presented a silver badge, but then changed her story, claiming she was 'an agent for the Georgia Bureau of Investigation,' instead of the 'federal agent' she had claimed to be upon initially requesting a discount. Solem called the corporate office of Chick-fil-A, supposedly reporting herself as 'Agent Solem.' The Georgia Bureau of Investigation has since told police that no agent under that name exists. Unless it's a secret one, of course.

Sometime late on Saturday evening, dear blog reader, From The North had its three millionth individual page hit since this blog started in 2006. I know, I know, 'This Blogger will not celebrate meaningless milestones' and all that. Whatchamagunnag'do?

Still, this singular factoid presumably means that three million individuals have, at one stage or another during the last eleven years, stumbled across From The North in their endless search for porn. Or, alternatively, this blogger's three regular visitors have each clicked on this blog a million times ... because they've got nothing better to do with their time, it would seem. One or the other.