Saturday, July 15, 2017

Slopping Out

It has been a long wait, dear blog reader, but now it is almost over; the BBC have announced that we will find out who Peter Capaldi's Doctor Who replacement is on Sunday. In an ominous thirteen-themed trailer for the Thirteenth Doctor - if you don't count John Hurt, Richard Hurndall, David Bradley, Peter Cushing et al - the BBC revealed that The Big Unveiling Of The Next Doctor Whoever She and/or He Is Thing will take place this Sunday after the Wimbledon Men's Final, which starts at 2pm on BBC1 and will probably last between two and three hours. But it might be less. Or more. Or much more. In fact, it probably will be much more.
Clever piece of scheduling by the Beeb, that. Getting millions of extra viewers for the tennis by placing the new Doctor announcement at the climax.
And now, dear blog reader ...
It was, truly, the end of an era, as yer actual Peter Capaldi played The Doctor for the last time on Monday. Peter wrapped up filming on his final day and fans waiting outside the set in Wales got a lovely surprise when he popped out to say hello and pose for photos with them.
Peter's Doctor Who swansong - the rumoured title of which is The Doctors - is shaping up not just to be a tribute to his era, but also a celebration of the show's fifty four-year history. The current Time Lord will bow out at Christmas with a festival episode that will see Peter's Doctor joining forces with David Bradley who - contrary to what several media outlets have suggested - does not 'reprise his role as The First Doctor from the docudrama An Adventure In Space & Time.' In that, David played William Harntell playing The Doctor, this is something quite different! Back behind the camera for this year's Christmas episode will be Rachel Talalay, who most recently directed series ten's two-part finale World Enough & Time and The Doctor Falls. In an interview with TV & Satellite, the film-maker said of the forthcoming special: 'It's a tour de force. It's a fanboy's dream, it's also a beautiful and joyous script.'
Rachel also claimed to Radio Times that she had 'no knowledge' of which actor will replace Peter Capaldi. And, for the moment, neither does anyone else. Except Chris Chibnall. And, possibly The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat. But, if you hang on till Sunday, dear blog reader ...
Further details have been released on the Audience reaction to series ten of Doctor Who. From analysing the data there appears to be a marked difference between different age groups in the reaction to each episode, with the sixteen to thirty four ages group generally enjoying each episode more than older viewers. The most marked difference was in the reaction to episode eleven, World Enough & Time, where the sixteen to thirty four demographic gave it an AI score of eighty nine, those between thirty five and fifty four scored eighty five while those above fifty five scored it as eighty two. World Enough & Time was the most popular episode with the sixteen to thirty four group, while they enjoyed The Lie Of The Land least giving it a score of eighty one. This blogger thought it was great. The thirty five to fifty four age group (that's yer actual Keith Telly Topping's homeboy turf, dear blog reader) had a smaller range in values scoring eighty five for their top episodes (Thin Ice, Knock Knock, Oxygenand World Enough & Time) and eighty two for their least favourite ones (The Pilot, The Pyramid At The End Of The World and The Eaters Of Light). Meanwhile among the over-fifty fives's the range was even smaller with six episodes scoring the top score of eighty two, three scoring eighty one and three scoring eighty. There was also a difference between the sexes with women generally scoring slightly higher than men. The exception was World Enough & Time which scored eighty five amongst men and eighty four amongst women. This was the men's favourite episode while women scored it equal to Smile, Thin Ice and The Doctor Falls. The men's least favourite episode was The Eaters Of Light while the women liked least Extremis, The Lie Of The Land and The Eaters Of Light. Over fifty per cent of those questioned found the episodes of high quality and the programme also scored high as being 'fresh and new', a question which this blogger always refused to answer when he's filling in his AI scores since it's sodding meaningless. The rating for the 'It was memorable' category had a sharp peak for the final two episodes.
Meanwhile, full ratings details of series ten are also available. The highest weekly chart position was for The Pilot which came in at number ten. The lowest chart position was for The Lie Of The Land, which was the thirtieth most-watched programme of that particular week, having faced the final of ITV's talent show Britain's Got Talent. All bar one episodes of Doctor Who since its revival in 2005 have, regardless of their actual audience figure, been one of the top thirty programmes of the week. This compares with the pre-1989 series where the lowest chart position was one hundred and seventy for the second episode of Full Circle in 1980. The Pilot is one of fifty seven episodes of Doctor Who to have made the weekly top ten out of the eight hundred and thirty nine episodes which have been broadcast since 1963. The average final rating for series ten was 5.45 million viewers per episode. This is down from an average of 6.03 million for the 2015 series. The biggest drop in audience is for those in the four to fifteen years age group, which now account for around eight per cent of the total audience, as opposed to eleven per cent in 2015. Since the revival the highest average has been for series four shown in 2008, which had an average of 8.05 million per episode.
Yer actual Matt Smith his very self 'has regenerated' as acclaimed photographer Robert Mapplethorpe in a new film according to on-set photos published in the Sun. Dodgy barnet, Smudger!
Sophie Turner and Kit Harington, among others, traded Westeros for Los Angeles, as the seventh season of Game Of Thrones received a gala premiere on Wednesday. Phones were banned from the venue as the first episode of the penultimate series was screened at the Walt Disney Concert Hall. Turner, who plays Sansa Stark, said that the cast felt 'very emotional' at the prospect of the show ending. 'It feels like a death in the family [but] it's also exciting and liberating,' she added. Emilia Clarke - who was absent from the premiere, due to filming commitments on the forthcoming Han Solo movie - has also talked about the stress of concluding the series. 'I get sleepless nights over it,' she recently told Elle magazine. 'The higher everyone places the mantle, the bigger the fall. I don't want to disappoint anyone.' Among the other cast members walking the blue carpet on Wednesday night were Alfie Allen, Conleth Hill, Liam Cunningham, Gwendoline Christie and Maisie Williams. There was also a surprise appearance from Joe Dempsie, who has been absent from the series since since 2013.
The fourth series of Peaky Blinders completed filming this week. Last month, the BBC unveiled a brand new photo of Cillian Murphy in his usual get-up, and with his murder weapon of choice. Series regulars returning to the fourth series include Helen McCrory as Polly, Paul Anderson as Arthur, Sophie Rundle as Ada, Joe Cole as John and cult favourite Tom Hardy as Alfie. Charlotte Riley will also reprise her role of aristocratic widow May Carleton – last seen in series two - and was pictured on-set with Murphy in May. The will also be a couple of high-profile new additions to the cast. Adrien Brody will join Peaky Blinders in a part written especially for him, a character described as the biggest threat yet to the Shelby clan. Aidan Gillen is also joining the cast.
'Should washing machines be in the kitchen?' asks the BBC News website. To which the obvious answer is, 'of course they should you effing stupid glakes, unless you live in a palatial country mansion where the Hell else are you going to put one? Are you morons on drugs, or what?'
The reason why this rank and utter bollocks constitutes 'news', apparently, is that Lady Muck Kirstie Allsopp (remember her?) has had something to say on the matter. Quite why anybody should be in the slightest bit interested in what Lady Muck Kirstie Allsopp has to say on pretty much any subject (other than, perhaps, house prices) is a question probably well-worth asking at this juncture. But, nevertheless, that hasn't stopped a lot of Middle Class Gruniad Morning Star-reading Twitter users getting their collective knickers in a collective twist over this malarkey. And, let us once again simply stand up and salute the utter trivial bollocks that some people chose to care about.
An aristocrat who posted a sick racist threat about anti-Brexit campaigner Gina Miller on Facebook and branded her 'a bloody troublesome first generation immigrant' has been sentenced to a stretch of porridge at Her Majesty's Whatsit and, by the time you read this, will have already experienced his first couple of days of the joys of slopping out. (Okay, calm down dear - pedant - blog reader, Keith Telly Topping knows they don't actually do slopping out any more and haven't for some time, he just likes using the phrase, that's all.) Viscount Rhodri Colwyn Philipps reportedly offered a five grand bounty for someone to 'accidentally' run the mother-of-three over, as she challenged the Government over its handling of Brexit. Which was, obviously, very naughty.
Among a stream of abusive messages post online, Philipps wrote: 'This fucking boat-jumper come to country, then believes she knows better than the people of our country, what is best for us. If this is what we should expect from immigrants, send them back to their stinking jungles.' What a terrible man. The 'self-confessed' Donald Trump supporter also offered two thousand knicker for one of his friends to 'carve into pieces' an immigrant, Arnold Sube, whose housing situation had made the news. Philipps, who insists on being referred to as Lord Saint Davids - and who reportedly spent much of the first day of the trial debating with the judge over whether he should be referred to by his title or his name - told Westminster magistrates court that his Facebook posts were merely 'a form of satire' and 'banter,' claiming they had only ever been intended for his friends. He also mounted a staunch defence of his right to be offensive, claiming that the attack on Miller was 'not racist' and 'based on fact.' But, Chief Magistrate Emma Arbuthnot was having not none of it and found His Lordship very guilty of two counts of sending menacing messages, warning him: 'The first port of call will, obviously, be a prison sentence. I have no doubt the first post was menacing, you were offering money to have her killed,' Arbuthnort said of the message about Miller. 'A reasonable person reading the post would have felt a sense of apprehension at least, if not fear. I do not accept you didn't understand the post could be shared. On Facebook users share and have shared any number of others' posts - nothing is private about a Facebook post.' She added: 'They were not funny, not a joke, they were sent when Lord Saint Davids was infuriated - they were not meant to be light-hearted comment, they were intended to cause apprehension among some of your Facebook acquaintances. Not all, as some clearly shared his views. I find you knew when you posted these messages they might create apprehension in a reasonable person reading them in the multi-racial country we live in.' She also found the threat to Miller had been 'fuelled' by racism: 'You tried to justify these to me but quite frankly I didn't understand what you said.' Sentencing His Lordship to twelve week in The Big House, the judge noted that Philipps had 'proudly' said his family's motto was 'love of country.' Instead, she told him, he had 'attacked people who disagreed' with him and who had recently arrived in the UK. 'You showed this hatred by publicly directing abuse at others, which is a criminal offence in this multicultural society we are fortunate to live in.' The judge expressed doubt when, in mitigation, Philipps' lawyer Sabrina Felix told the court of her client's alleged remorse. 'It is quite a change in two days, isn't it? Two days ago, he was explaining to me his racist views, as one might say,' the judge said. A five-year restraining order was also placed against Philipps in order to protect Miller, Sube and Matthew Steeples, who informed Miller about the racist material that Philipps had posted. The judge ordered the recently bankrupt viscount to pay Miller five hundred smackers in compensation, noting that he was 'of limited means.' She gave him six months to pay up and warned that she would 'send the bailiffs to his home' if he did not comply. A one hundred and fifteen quid surcharge was imposed and Philipps was also ordered to pay costs of two hundred and fifty notes.
Once again, without getting into the specifics of this particular case (or how vastly amusing it is to see Lord Snot here - who sounds like a right bleedin' charmer, frankly - facing a spell in The Pokey), this case does highlight the very real dangers for everyone of making casual, even in theory 'light hearted,' online comments about violence or murder. So, next time you're thinking about posting something along the lines of 'why doesn't someone just shoot Donald Trump/Theresa May/Jeremy Corbyn/Jeremy Clarkson/Piers Morgan/Sting/My Next Door Neighbour' (or, even seeing such a post and clicking 'like' on it), dear blog reader, think about the potential consequences of such a comment if taken out of context or presented in a court of law. The Malicious Communications Act is - perhaps quite deliberately - vague and, often, decisions over whether to prosecute people using the act seem to be taken on the toss of a coin. This blogger is sure that kid from County Durham who posted a - frankly idiotic - threat to shoot up a school in the US thought 'it'll never stand up in court' when he wrote it. He's currently doing, what, two years in Leavenworth? Already this year we have seen the first, successful, prosecution of someone for libel for merely clicking 'like' on an - admittedly, extremely libellous - Facebook posting. The laws of what one can and cannot say, where and why are constantly evolving and the point of all this is, we have to be vigilant and really careful not to say anything ... well, daft basically. This blogger attitude towards the freedom of speech and freedom to be offensive line of defence remains exactly the same as it always has been since From The North first crawled naked and newborn from the Interweb sludge in 2006; Keith Telly Topping supports his own and, indeed, everyone else's right to say whatever the Hell he/they like ... within the boundaries of the law as it currently stands. Once you're beyond that, you're on your own, matey.
A five-year-old boy from County Durham has, reportedly, been investigated by police for so-called 'sexting'. The child and his parents were spoken to by officers after the child took 'an intimate picture of himself' and sent it to another child on an iPad, it has emerged. This is thought to be the youngest sex-related case ever in Britain. Five? Five?? Jesus, this blogger didn't even know what sex was when he was five. He barely knew what it was when he was twenty five.
A retired TV producer who was convicted of trying to hire a hitman to kill his partner has been jailed for seventeen years. David Harris, sixty eight, offered two hundred grand for the murder of Hazel Allinson so he could inherit her fortune, sell her eight hundred thousand smacker Sussex home and run off with a sex worker, an Old Bailey trial was told. Jurors heard that Harris 'approached two men' over the deal but was snitched up to pollis by one of them. Harris was later filmed trying to make a deal with a third prospective hitman - who was, in fact, undercover plod. He was eventually nabbed by the bobbies and was up a'fore The Beak for his wicked - would be - crimes. During the trial, the former producer of the long-running police drama series The Bill merely claimed that he was 'researching a spy novel' and flatly denied soliciting murder, but jurors were having not none of it and found him extremely guilty on three counts of  being a rotter. The court heard that Harris wanted his partner to be killed in what would look like 'a mugging gone wrong.' Judge Anne Molyneux QC told Harris: 'For your pipe dream, for your obsessive infatuation with a young woman, Ms Allinson, who had protected and nurtured you, was to die a painful and terrifying death in an isolated spot. Her death was to fund your life. You had used her until she had outlasted her usefulness to you. All that you wanted from her was that she should die and you should inherit her money.' The court heard that Harris became 'besotted' with Lithuanian Ugne Cekaviciute, twenty eight, whom he met in a brothel. He had been with Allinson - a retired scriptwriter who had survived breast cancer - for twenty seven years and the couple shared her home in the village of Amberley. But, during his five-year affair with Cekaviciute, Harris became 'entangled in a web of lies and debt' as he lavished gifts on his secret lover. The court heard that he spent fifty grand of Allinson's savings and told 'elaborate lies' which included pretending to umpire cricket matches away from home and claims that he was 'looking after his sick brother in a mental hospital' to explain his frequent absences. He first approached mechanic Chris May to kill his partner, but he tried to warn Allinson. Harris was then put in contact with Duke Dean, but he Copper's Nark'd Harris to City of London Police right good and proper. After Harris was videoed meeting an undercover officer, police very arrested him at a hotel where they found him in bed with Cekaviciute. Earlier, the court heard that Harris had 'all the hallmarks' of 'social anxiety and a narcissistic personality disorder' with 'manipulative traits' and 'a lack of remorse and guilt.' Prosecutor Philip Gee told the court that the twice-divorced father-of-one had 'a complex and dysfunctional relationship with women,' including his partner and his girlfriend. In mitigation, Anthony Rimmer claimed that Harris had been 'a silly old fool' although his infatuation did 'not excuse' the offences. He said that Cekaviciute was now 'out of the picture' and his relationship with Allinson 'remained an open question.' Though, likely not for the next seventeen years it wont be. Giving evidence, Harris had claimed he was writing a thriller and told the court: 'I thought what was happening to me at that time, at that particular juncture, might form the basis of a good thriller. It was based on a guy based on me, my sort of age, meets a young girl, falls in love, becomes besotted and over development decides he wants to be with her and decides what he has to do about his wife, Holly.' After the hearing, Detective Chief Inspector Edelle Michaels, from City of London Police, said that the offence involved 'significant planning and persistence' by Harris. Describing Harris as 'ruthless,' she said that he had shown himself to be 'calculating and intent on causing serious harm. His persistence was evident in his approaching not one but three different supposed hitmen,' she added. Albeit, one of them was undercover Law so, really, that's only two-and-a-half. 'This has been a hugely difficult time for the victim, who has been significantly affected,' she added. 'The situation could have been far worse had Harris succeeded with his plan and there was an element of good fortune that one of the men Harris approached informed the police, prompting our swift response.'
The new leader of Chelsea and Kensington Council has said she had never visited Grenfell Tower or any other high-rise block in the borough before the fire. Well, of course not, why would she want to? Such places are, after all, full of poor and 'common' people. However Elizabeth Campbell argued that just because she lived in a very nice house the South of the borough it did not mean she didn't understand conditions for people who live in the North. She told the BBC's Today programme her work with family and children's services made her 'a suitable person for the job.'
The TV company set up by Jezza Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May has made more than eight million knicker in profits following the first season of their big budget Amazon show The Grand Tour. Which, of course, some hippy Communist shite of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star had a right good sneer about.
The man who has provided the voice of Kermit The Frog since 1990 has said he is 'devastated' at losing the role. In a blog post, Steve Whitmire said he still felt 'at the top of his game.' He said that he was 'devastated to have failed in my duty to my hero' - a reference to late Muppets creator, Jim Henson. Whitmire took over as Kermit's handler and voice-actor after Henson died in 1990. No reason has been given for the puppeteer's sacking. In a statement, the Disney-owned Muppet Studios thanked Whitmore for his 'tremendous contributions' and wished him well 'in his future endeavours.' In his post, Whitmire said that he had 'remained silent the last nine months in hopes that the Disney company might reverse their course.' He attributed the change of casting to 'two stated issues' and 'concerns' raised by executives at The Muppets Studio, without elaborating further. 'I feel that I am at the top of my game, and I want all of you who love The Muppets to know that I would never consider abandoning Kermit or any of the others because to do so would be to forsake the assignment entrusted to me by Jim Henson, my friend and mentor, but even more, my hero,' he wrote. He said that The Muppets were not 'just a job, or a career, or even a passion' but 'a calling, an urgent, undeniable, impossible to resist way of life.' He added: 'I am sorry if I have disappointed any of you at any point. I am devastated to have failed in my duty to my hero.' Though Whitmire's comments to his 'dear friends' has been reprinted in various outlets, his original blog post no longer appears to be accessible. Whitmire has worked with The Muppets since 1978 and also provided the voice of Sesame Street's Ernie. Matt Vogel, a seasoned Muppet performer who used to assist Whitmire while he was playing Ernie, will take over as Kermit from next week.
The late, and much-lamented Caroline Aherne is to have a bursary scheme named in her honour, a year on from her death. The scheme will seek to foster 'a new generation of female comedy performers in the North,' said Shane Allen, the BBC's head of comedy commissioning. The bursary will be launched at this year's Salford Sitcom Showcase. Held on 27 July, the event will include a Q&A with Diane Morgan. Other offerings include a live reading of a new sitcom called The Entrepreneuress, featuring Sian Gibson from Peter Kay's Car Share. Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer's new comedy show, as yet untitled, will also be screened alongside various panel events. Aimed at aspiring writer-performers, The Caroline Aherne Bursary For Funny Northern Women (snappy title) will award five thousand knicker to one successful applicant. The bursary will allow them to fund future development as well as receive guidance from a BBC commissioning editor. Caroline, who died of cancer in July 2016, was an award-winning comedy writer and performer who rose to fame on The Fast Show, Mrs Merton and The Royle Family.
An advert for bikini line shaving products (they're 'womens things' dear blog reader, if you haven't come across them before) has been very banned by the Advertising Standards Authority, which found the advert was 'likely to cause serious or widespread offence.' The Femfresh advert featured women, wearing briefs and swimwear, dancing and thrusting their groins at the camera. It was quite a sight, to be honest. Shown on ITV and Channel Four on-demand services earlier this year, it included close-up shots of the women's crotches. The ASA received seventeen whinges that the advert 'objectified' women and portrayed them 'in an overly sexualised way.' Church & Dwight UK - the brand which owns Femfresh - 'did not believe' the advert for the so-called 'intimate shaving collection' was 'offensive or socially irresponsible.' To paraphrase the late Mandy Rice Davies: 'Well, they wouldn't, would they?' Church & Dwight claimed that the advert was 'aimed at a target audience of eighteen to thirty four-year-old women' and that close-ups were 'used to illustrate that the product could give consumers a smooth bikini line.' The implication being that anyone who isn't an eighteen-to-thirty four year old woman has no right to have a view on the issue as it's got nowt to do with them. Interesting theory. Neither Channel Four or ITV received any complaints about the advert directly and both agreed with comments made by Church & Dwight that it 'did not objectify' women. But, the ASA did not agree and noted that the dance sequence was 'highly sexualised,' there were 'few shots' of the women's faces and the high-cut swimsuits 'were more exposing' than most. 'Even taking into account the nature of the product, we considered that it had been presented in an overly-sexualised way that objectified women,' the ASA said. 'We concluded that the ad was likely to cause serious or widespread offence and therefore breached the code.' It ruled that the advert must not appear again in its current form.
A comic book adaptation of the 1968 animated Be-Atles movie Yellow Submarine - the third movie that this blogger saw when he was nought but a wee Telly Topping sproglet - is currently 'in development' from cartoonist Bill Morrison and UK publisher Titan Comics, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The Be-Atles were a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might have heard of them. The film was inspired by the music and the lives of The Be-Atles and the planned 2018 release of the comic book adaptation coincides with the fiftieth anniversary of the much-loved movie. 'We're thrilled to be publishing The Be-Atles: Yellow Submarine for the fiftieth anniversary of this fantastic movie,' said Titan publishing director Chris Teather. 'We can’t wait for Be-Atles fans to experience this official adaptation.' Morrison is best known as the co-founder of Bongo Comics with The Simpsons creator Matt Groening. The cartoonist was recently hired as Mad Magazine's new Executive Editor.
A Chelsea pensioner requested a selfie with Johanna Konta after her momentous victory over Simona Halep took her into the Wimbledon semi-finals (which she, you know, lost). Mind you, she had to show him how to do it!
The communications regulator is, reportedly, hunting a very naughty radio pirate who has repeatedly hijacked the airwaves of a local station with a deliberately offensive song about masturbation. 'The Winker's Song (Misprint)' by Ivor Biggun & The Red-Nosed Burglars, has been illegally forced on to the output of Mansfield 103.2 at least eight times in the last month. Ofcom said that it was taking the incident 'extremely seriously' and its engineers were working closely with the radio station to trace and identify the ghastly pirate. The 1978 single sold well at the time, reaching number twenty two in the UK Singles Chart. At least in part due to the fact that it was extremely banned by nearly all radio stations due to its explicit lyrics. Biggun subsequently became Doc Cox and appeared on the BBC's That's Life for six years during the late 1980s before, mercifully, fading from public view. Listeners were last subjected to the song last weekend during a live family broadcast from Mansfield's Party in the Market event. It is believed that the rogue broadcaster 'could be using a small transmitter' to play the song on the same frequency, overriding the station's scheduled programming. Tony Delahunty, managing director of Mansfield 103.2, said: 'Some people have told me that their children have started humming the song in the car. We have had calls from people who have found it hilarious, while some have raised their concerns, including our competitors and a lot of people in the industry are aghast at how difficult it is to stop these people.' Speaking to BBC Radio 4's Today programme, he added: 'There is absolutely nothing we could do about it and we're trying very hard to do something about it. We are told by Ofcom who are investigating the matter, that you only need and this is the frightening thing, a small transmitter and if you can get near where there is an outside broadcast or a signal and you can overpower that signal [and] you're on the airwaves.' He claimed that the incidents 'raised the potential' for 'a more serious hijacking' of a radio station. 'This is a clown but it exposes a situation that is available for, who knows a terrorist, that type of person, some idiot who wants to put emergency messages on. It could become an awful lot worse. The big problem is you can't catch them. I want it to stop, because it could be inflicting a very nasty message to very young kids and their parents could be annoyed.' Ofcom said that maliciously causing radio interference was a criminal offence carrying a potential sentence of two years in The Big House and an 'unlimited' fine. But, a spokesman said 'it doesn't happen that often' and that such malarkey requires 'specialist knowledge' and equipment. 'You need quite a high-powered transmitter to be able to go over the levels that the station is broadcasting at to interrupt their frequencies.' Ofcom stressed that it is not as easy to hack a radio station as Delahunty had suggested. The spokesman added: 'We have a spectrum enforcement team who look after our airwaves and make sure they are kept free from interference, whether it is deliberate or accidental and we have strong enforcement powers.' If radio stations broadcast content which is deemed 'harmful or offensive,' under the Digital Economy Act they can be suspended. Last week, Ofcom suspended Sheffield based Imam FM after it broadcast lectures from a former terrorist leader.
An abusive caller who rang nine-nine-nine more than eighteen hundred times has been very jailed. Stacey White, of Nottingham, had 'unleashed a tirade of abuse' on call handlers since 2011. East Midlands Ambulance Service said that her 'inappropriate calls' had cost the NHS almost thirty one grand last year alone. White, who pleaded extremely guilty to persistently making use of a public communications network to cause annoyance, was jailed for twenty six weeks at Derbyshire Magistrates Court. In 2014, she was given a twenty-week suspended prison sentence for misusing the emergency line and physically assaulting a paramedic. EMAS said that in one year alone, between March 2016 and April 2017, she had called the service four hundred and ninety eight times. Deborah Powell, frequent caller lead for EMAS, said that White 'demonstrated flagrant disregard' for people experiencing life-threatening emergencies. 'Our emergency call handlers are there to provide life-saving advice over the phone and do not expect to be abused when they come to work,' she said. 'We will continue to prosecute those who misuse our service to ensure that the support is there for those who need it in a real medical emergency.' Simon Tomlinson, the general manager for emergency operations centres, said: 'When you call nine-nine-nine because someone is unconscious, not breathing, having chest pains or has the symptoms of a stroke, you are making the right call. Calling us to abuse our staff is not the right call - someone in cardiac arrest is.'
A mother was extremely bitten on the bum by a python which appeared in her toilet while she was using it according to Metro. Phanarat Chaiboon was left 'bleeding and terrified' (or, indeed, just bleeding terrified) by the bite, after which she 'turned in shock' to see the snake's head poking out of her lavatory. She quickly shut the lid and weighed it down before driving herself to hospital, where doctors could not use anti-venom treatment as they did not know what sort of snake had bitten her. A security guard at her housing estate in Bangkok, confirmed that it was, in fact, a python. Pythons are, of course, non-venomous but the bite still needed treatment. The 'shaken' Chaiboon was 'treated successfully' and later returned home. Albeit, she had a bit of trouble sitting down for quite some time afterwards. And, one doubts she'll be using that particular toilet any time soon. Days later, the newspaper claims, her fifteen-year-old daughter, Gift, 'saw an even bigger python in the downstairs toilet.' So she hit it with a rake and now it's only two foot four. Allegedly.
Theresa May has revealed she shed 'a little tear' when she learned the result of the general erection exit poll suggesting she would lose her government majority.
A Texas man who got locked inside an ATM room slipped 'help me' notes through a receipt slot to be rescued. The contractor was doing routine maintenance work in a Bank of America branch in Corpus Christi, when the door accidentally closed behind him on Wednesday afternoon. According to local police, he was changing an electronic lock inside the room that connected to the machine, but had left his phone inside his truck. Senior Officer Richard Olden told local news agency KRIS TV that when people stopped by to withdraw cash, the worker decided to slip out SOS notes through the receipt slot. One read: 'Please help. I'm stuck in here and I don't have my phone. Please call my boss.' Several passers-by took it as a joke until one customer eventually took it seriously and the police and the contractor's supervisor were contacted. 'Sure enough, we could hear a little voice coming from inside the machine and thought "this has got to be a joke,"' Olden said. The police then kicked the door down to rescue the man. It is not known how long the contractor was trapped inside.
NASA's Solar Dynamics Observatory captured footage of a massive sunspot that seems to be growing quickly. The space agency posted video on YouTube on Wednesday showing the sunspot which appears as a dark area on the sun's surface. Sunspots aren't uncommon and while they look like dark blobs, they are actually tight bundles of strong magnetic fields that are slightly cooler than surrounding areas, making them appear darker. Occasionally sunspots can release solar flares and eject clouds of solar material, which can both be accompanied by blasts of charged particles. While Earth's magnetic field protects people from space weather, it can disrupt technology. NASA's Solar Dynamics Observatory said that it is 'too early to predict' whether there will be solar flares, the New York Daily News reported. 'Like freckles on the face of the sun, they appear to be small features, but size is relative: The dark core of this sunspot is actually larger than Earth,' NASA said on YouTube.
Authorities say that a New Hampshire woman arrested for drug possession later returned to the police station to demand the return of her drugs and was, then, rearrested. An officer told twenty six-year-old Emily Morin, of Concord, that he would not be returning the Suboxone, a highly addictive substance which can be used to treat heroin addiction, to her. It was seized as evidence during her arrest stemming from a shoplifting incident. The officer said that he then saw Morin get into a car and start to drive away. Earlier, police determined that Morin's driving license and registration were currently suspended. She was, therefore, stopped and arrested for a second time after a struggle. Morin was arraigned on Wednesday on charges of driving after suspension, breach of bail and resisting arrest, in addition to drug and wilful concealment charges.
An eleven-year-old Houston girl who was pulled over for speeding told police that her mother allows her to drive although this was the first occasion she had done so without an adult. Police in Pasadena said that the girl told them she was driving her ten-year-old brother home from school after she was stopped by The Fuzz for driving at forty nine miles per hour in a thirty five zone. Their twenty five-year-old mother, Maria DeJesus Lopez, has been arrested and extremely charged with two counts of child endangerment. Police spokesman Vance Mitchell said that the girl told officers it wasn't the first time her mother had allowed her drive, but this was the first time she had been alone with her brother.
A drunken man who put himself at risk of electrocution by urinating in a police cell has been told he should be 'deeply ashamed of himself.' Thirty one-year-old Nicholas Derek Jones from the Isle of Man reportedly caused more than a thousand knicker worth of damage to two cells after being arrested on 11 June. At Douglas Courthouse Jones pleaded very guilty to damaging property belonging to the Department of Home Affairs. The court heard that Jones was put into a 'risk suit' after becoming 'abusive and aggressive.' CCTV then captured him using the suit to block the toilet and flood the cell and corridor. After being moved to a new cell he was seen urinating on the floor before slurping some of the piss up and spitting it at the camera and communication panel; he was also seen 'snorting' his urine. Why, no one knows. Jones then allegedly tried to 'insert his penis into the electronic device' - which is used by officers to speak to those in the cell - in an apparent bid to urinate into it. Jones' advocate told the court that his client realised 'he went too far' adding: 'Perhaps he started off trying to make some sort of protest.' Sentencing Jones - who sat with his head in his hands, looking very sorry for himself throughout the hearing - Deputy High Bailiff Jayne Hughes fined him seventeen hundred and fifty notes and ordered him to pay eleven hundred and six quid in compensation.
Leigh Ann Sepelyak, thirty eight, of Allegheny County, Pennsylvania has reportedly been charged with attempted homicide after she allegedly poured gasoline on her sleeping boyfriend, lit a cigarette and used it to set him a'fire. To put out his burning tender bits, she doused the flames with urine from a bucket that the couple used as a toilet in the basement of the home, police said.
Officials in a Chinese city are reportedly saving money on toilet paper in public restrooms by 'employing facial recognition technology' in the stalls. Didn't Chuck Berry get arrested for doing something along those lines once? A video of the system installed at a Fujian Province public lavatory shows workers filling a locked dispenser machine with netty roll before a customer demonstrates how the mechanism works. The machine uses facial recognition software to identify the user and vends exactly twenty seven-and-a-half inches of paper, the maximum allowed by the machine so they can wipe the shat off their arses. Officials said that a user must wait nine minutes before the machine will allow them to get another length of paper if they happen to be unlucky enough to have a cling-on. They said that the system has cut the amount of toilet paper used in restrooms by half. Good news for those that want to save the planet. But, jolly bad news for those people in China with diarrhoea. This, dear blog reader, is progress.
A woman attempting to take a selfie at a Los Angeles art gallery ended up falling over and setting off a domino effect that destroyed two hundred thousand dollars worth of artwork. Which is funny enough in and of itself but, the fact that we have video footage of it is what makes it art. Security camera footage from The Fourteenth Factory Gallery, which was displaying the Hypercaine exhibition by Hong Kong artist Simon Birch and international collaborators, shows a woman attempting to snap a selfie with artworks arranged on rows and columns of pillars. The woman falls, knocking over some nearby pillars and triggering a domino effect. A spokeswoman for the gallery said that the security camera footage was filmed about two weeks ago, but was posted to YouTube this week by someone 'claiming to be a friend of Birch.' The spokeswoman told CNET that three sculptures were 'permanently damaged' and others 'incurred varying degrees of damage.' The gallery did not say whether the damage was covered by insurance.
West Des Moines police said that a would-be bank robber was thwarted twice on Wednesday when the two banks that he attempted to rob were both closed when he got there. Security footage from Marine Credit Union shows a man wearing a grey hoodie, sunglasses and a red bandanna over his face trying to enter the building around 8:15am, according to police. That particular branch does not open until 11am on Wednesdays. A few employees were in the parking lot waiting to go in to work when they saw the man, said Sergeant Tony Giampolo, spokesman for the West Des Moines Police Department. 'They actually watched this guy yank on the doors,' he said. The man fled when he realised the doors were locked. About half-an-hour later, a man 'described almost exactly like the first' tried to enter First National Bank, approximately fifteen minutes before the bank was scheduled to open. The man turned and fled when he saw a police officer inside the bank, Giampolo said. Police were making rounds to warn banks about the earlier robbery attempt.
A twenty three-year-old Texas man got out of jury duty on Wednesday but landed himself behind bars as a result. The man was very arrested at the Smith County Courthouse after he showed up for scheduled jury duty, drinking from a large Coca-Cola cup, looking sluggish and slurring his speech. Courthouse staff members Copper's Nark'd the man suspicious behaviour to sheriff's deputies at the courthouse. The deputies said that the man was 'walking in an unstable manner' and 'appeared to not be in a normal mental state' when he left the jury room and exited the building, according to an arrest warrant affidavit. When the man attempted to come back into the courthouse, deputies stopped him. He then turned the Coca-Cola cup over to the deputies. The deputy reported a strong smell of alcohol coming from the cup and found what appeared to be beer. The man confirmed that, the affidavit states. The man was arrested and charged which public intoxication. He has previously been arrested earlier this year for public intoxication and driving under the influence.
A Florida woman is facing charges after police said that she left her child in a hot car and then reportedly told police it was 'too hot' when she was, herself, put into the back of a police cruiser and taken for a ride-ride. Police were called to a Dollar General Store in South Daytona last week following a report of a child left in a vehicle. They said that they found a five-year-old sitting in a locked Hyundai alone, with the front driver's side window down and both passenger side windows rolled up. The car was parked in direct sunlight without any shade, police said. Police said that the boy appeared 'upset' and was 'sweating profusely.' Police dashcam video then captured the interaction between the boy's mother, Colleen Walker, and officers and firefighters. 'He wasn't in the car for two hours, it was like, twelve minutes,' Walker told police as she walked out of the store, adding that her son had wanted to stay in the car while she shopped. 'Don't get all huffy and puffy because I'm not going to feel bad for you. I don't care,' the firefighter said. The witness who called nine-one-one said that the child was left 'for about twenty minutes' and that the child was 'crying and screaming.' The South Daytona Fire Department checked the temperature of the vehicle, which was one hundred and seven degrees. Police said that whilst Walker was being driven to jail, she told officers to put on the air conditioning because it was 'too hot' 'She was complaining that the backseat of our patrol car was too hot on her way to the jail, and asked the officer to turn the AC up,' Lieutenant Dan Dietrich snitched. Walker is facing child neglect charges and was jailed on a five thousand bucks bail. Walker could face up to five years in The Big House if convicted.
A Florida chap allegedly skipped out on a six dollar bar tab, but getting out of jail is going to cost him a few thousand smackers. Kevin Charles Conklin was arrested on 4 July after Lady Lake police were called to a restaurant, WKMG reported. When officers got to Margarita Republic, Conklin was 'making profane statements to customers' and wouldn't pay his tab, according to the Villages-News. Conklin attempted to jump over an officer's car and chipped the officer's front tooth while resisting arrest. Conklin reportedly informed the officer that he is 'a sovereign citizen' and 'did nothing wrong,' according to WKMG. He faces numerous charges including disorderly intoxication and two counts of petit theft.
A man has successfully checked in a can of beer as his only luggage on a domestic flight in Australia. Only in Australia, dear blog reader. The man, identified in media as Dean Stinson, said that he and 'a friend' had come up with the idea 'as a joke.' The can arrived, tagged and unopened, as the first item on the baggage carousel at Perth Airport after a four-hour journey from Melbourne. The airline, Qantas, said that it 'did not encourage' other travellers to follow suit. 'This guy's done it and he's won the Internet for the day, so we're happy to move on,' a spokesman said in a statement to the BBC. Stinson told the AFP news agency that he was 'pleased' the can had arrived safely. 'And it was in perfect condition,' he added. The airline does not charge an additional fee for checked baggage.

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