Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Craqué Jusqu'aux Dents Tu Claques La Caisse Des Parents

Celebrity Big Brother bounced back in the ratings on Bank Holiday Monday, according to overnight figures. The latest episode rose by three hundred thousand sad, crushed victims of society to 1.72 million at 9pm on Channel Five. For shame, Great Britain, for shame.Under the Dome's second episode dropped six hundred thousand punters from last week to 1.26m at 10pm. On BBC1, Fake Britain topped the night outside of soaps and news with a mere 3.23m at 7.30pm. Fight Back Britain gathered 2.23m at 8.30pm. Ultimate Swarms interested 2.94m at 9pm. BBC2's Only Connect special had an audience of 1.12m at 7.30pm. University Challenge followed with 2.37m at 8pm. On ITV - Channel of the Year, remember, according to some knobcheese glakes at Edinburgh - such cutting-edge scheduling as You've Been Framed (2.22m at 8pm) and the movie The Bourne Identity (2.09m at 9pm) were really pulling in the punters. Not. Channel Four's Benefits Britain 1949 continued with 1.67m at 9pm. Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Hell was watched by nine hundred and twenty thousand viewers at 10pm. So, pretty much a rubbish night all round, in fact. Is it nearly September yet?

Meanwhile, here are the final and consolidated ratings figures for the Top Twenty Five programmes for week-ending 18 August 2013:-
1 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 9.39m
2 New Tricks - Tues BBC1 - 8.18m
3 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.40m
4 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 7.31m
5 International Friendly: England Versus Scotland - Wed ITV - 6.13m
6 Countryfile - Sat BBC1 - 5.71m
7 Antiques Roadshow - Sat BBC1 - 5.68m
8 Big School - Fri BBC1 - 5.28m
9 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.24m
10 Ten O'Clock News - Tues BBC1 - 5.08m
11 Long Lost Family - Mon ITV - 5.01m*
12 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.67m
13 Film: Harry Potter & The Order of ... Some Total Bollocks or Other - Sat ITV - 4.55
14 Law & Order: UK - Sun ITV - 4.56*
15= Who Do You Think You Are? - Wed BBC1 - 4.52m
15= BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.52m
17 Six O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.42m
18 The White Queen - Sun BBC1 - 4.41m
19 The National Lottery: Break The Safe - Sat BBC1 - 4.28m
20 Rip Off Food - Wed BBC1 - 4.25m
21= Match Of The Day - Sat BBC1 - 4.23m
22= Celebrity MasterChef - Tues BBC1 - 4.23m
24 Paul O'Grady's Working Britain - Thurs BBC1 - 4.09m
25 Mrs Brown's Boys - Sat BBC1 - 3.99m
Programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. BBC2's top-rated programmes of the week was Dragons' Den (3.36m). The Mill (2.66m) topped Channel Four's list.

A planned Blake's 7 remake will not be broadcast on Microsoft's Xbox Live, a new report has claimed. It was previously suggested by various sources - the fact that the Financial Times covered the story led some to believe it had, at least a smidgen of credibility to it - that the software giant would be funding a rebooted version of the BBC's cult SF space-opera. The rumours had gone on to suggest that the episodes of the new Blake's 7 series would then be shown on Microsoft's digital network. However, Microsoft's spokesperson Kate Barnes has now told the Den of Geeks website that there is 'nothing' to the rumours. 'I think the rumours took on a lot of speed because sci-fi [sic] is obviously something at the heart of Xbox. But no, there's nothing to that,' Barnes is quoted as saying. Casino Royale director Martin Campbell is still believed to be attached to the Blake's 7 remake although that would seem to rather depend on who, exactly, is going to be putting up the money for the thing.

The risque performance of Miley Cyrus - she's 'a popular beat singer' m'lud - at the televised MTV VMAs has drawn complaints from a parenting pressure group in the US. Apparently. Like anybody's actually concerned about nonsense like that. Once again, dear blog reader, let us stand up and celebrate the utter crap some people chose to care about.
At the same time that Kevin Spacey was telling TV executives to embrace online or die at the annual industry gathering in Edinburgh, a combined overnight audience of almost thirteen million viewers was settling down at home to watch ITV's Emmerdale and EastEnders on BBC1. Those millions of soap fans could be forgiven for thinking the technological revolution espoused by the Hollywood actor had passed them by (when in fact, it is just beginning). There was no shortage of warmth in Edinburgh for Spacey's sentiments. If anyone can deliver a winning speech, it's a double Oscar winner, but the backlash was not long in coming. Figures released the following day revealed that mobile viewing on iPads, smartphones and laptops still has only niche appeal, accounting for an average of three minutes and thirty seconds a day, compared with the four hours plus we still spend in front of yer actual TV set. Traditional television channels still account for the vast majority of viewing, with ninety per cent of people watching programmes live, as they are broadcast. One of the most talked-about dramas of 2013 was the murder mystery Broadchurch, which helped earn ITV the accolade of Channel Of The Year at last week's Edinburgh International Television Festival. Broadchurch was strictly of the old school variety, broadcast in eight, one-hour weekly episodes on a Monday night. Not for ITV the binge-watching 'all you can eat' tactics of the online TV service Netflix, embraced by Spacey and home to his acclaimed one hundred million dollar remake of House of Cards, the second series of which is currently in production. 'In a way Broadchurch was very against modern trends and, if you like, House of Cards, Netflix [and] bingeing on something,' said ITV's director of television, Peter Fincham. 'It reminded us of the deferred pleasure that we had to wait until Monday night. It became a talking point because we waited until Monday night. I think there is a pleasure in that as well. I believe if we look into the future I'm an absolute believer in box-sets and binge-viewing and watching TV in the way you want to. But I also am a very strong believer in the value of the linear schedule, the social value. That's what makes it water-cooler television.' In some ways Broadchurch - an unusual drama for ITV in many respects, with its focus on a single murder over the course of an entire eight-part series - reflected Spacey's call for 'more creative risk-taking', as did Fincham's decision to commission a second series of his sitcom Vicious despite desperately poor ratings. 'When you come to the fundamentals, the appetite of audiences for storytelling and bold storytelling, I thought he was saying the right thing,' said Fincham. 'Audiences are demanding all of us to raise our game. To be more innovative and challenging.' But there is a balance to be struck, said the BBC's creative director, Alan Yentob. Spacey told TV commissioning editors to 'let the talent do what they do, trust the talent.' Yentob told the festival: '[What] we ought to be able to do is enable creativity. That is what leadership is about. The question of how creatives are looked after is not total abandon.' The growth of US-based Netflix in the UK has been exponential, with an estimated one and a half million paying subscribers since its launch in January last year. Its worldwide customer base is thirty eight million. But it has never published ratings figures, so exactly how many people are watching its shows - which also include US drama hit Breaking Bad - remains something of a mystery. Danny Cohen, the former BBC1 controller who was recently appointed the corporation's director of television, said: 'My view is that it is incredibly difficult to be too black or white about this. At least for the next few years there will be a hybrid model where linear TV channels remain very powerful. People have had broadband connections for quite a long time now, but live TV viewing remains incredibly popular. On-demand will grow, but the attraction of live TV on a large screen in your living room with your family around you isn't suddenly going to disappear.' Cohen said that broadcasters are now 'in a battle for screen time', not just with each other but with social media such as Facebook. 'I don't fully agree [with Spacey],' he added. 'On-demand is exciting, and we are proud of the strength of the iPlayer, but we know and are very clear that most television is consumed on channels, watched live.' The BBC will launch its most high-profile on-demand experiment yet with the new Peter Kay sitcom Car Share, which will be available in its entirety on the iPlayer, the BBC's own online on-demand service, before it appears on television. Tess Alps, the executive chair of television industry marketing body Thinkbox, which published the latest viewing figures, said: 'I think your average viewer is not at all conscious of technology when they have got their Sky HD box and they download Downton Abbey from the ITV Player. In their heads they don't think "I'm using the Internet to download TV." They do it instinctively. We have got to stop thinking of the Internet as an enemy. There is lots of technology out there to get stuff to people. The thing that is rare and precious is content.'

Whinging old toot-merchant David Blunkett believes broadcasters are 'failing' deaf and blind people by using garbled subtitles and by being reluctant to dub foreign programmes. The MP and former Labour Home Secretary said TV executives were guilty of 'worshipping the cult of youth.' Although, quite what that has to do with the quality of subtitling is a question, perhaps, best left for another day. Blunkett, who was born blind, said that deaf people were struggling with subtitles such as 'the Arsenal player has been fouled by a zebra' (instead of referring to footballer Patrice Evra) and 'looking for the prince of chemical and bionicle weapons' (principally chemical and biological weapons). He also complained that blind people were 'left frustrated' when foreign dramas and documentaries were not dubbed. No one, it seems, had the courage to mention to Blunkett that television is, by its very definition, a visual medium. Sad, but that's the way it is, just as radio is an audio medium. This nonsense does rather remind this blogger of the time when Blunkett, then the Home Secretary, got himself embroiled in the tabloid-created furore over Chris Morris's Brass Eye 'paedophilia special.' Blunkett said that he was 'dismayed' by the programme but, when pressed by reporters, he admitted that he had 'not seen it.' To which, many people noted, it would have been a bit bloody remarkable if he had 'seen it' him being, you know, visually challenged and all that. I'm not making jokes about blind people here, dear blog reader, but those sort of comments do, rather, sit up and beg for a hiding. Anyway, these days, thankfully, Blunkett is out of front-line politics and is now a bitter old Red pissed-off that it isn't the Swinging Sixties any more (yes, just like risible Jimmy McGovern). Blunkett told the Radio Times that broadcasters were 'failing to deal with a growing problem of an ageing population', many of whom suffered from blindness and deafness. He said: 'Broadcasters talk a good deal about equality, but preaching is not enough. In an ageing population, people with hearing and sight impairments are becoming part of the mainstream. It's no longer about a minority: we're a major sector of the viewing public, and we have the same rights as everyone else who pays the licence fee. Today, the way TV executives worship the cult of youth seems to be an unstoppable fetish. It is the trendy, the metropolitan and the under-forties who determine what we view and what we listen to. But much of the spending power reflects an older age group. The ageing population wields a very powerful incentive: our financial muscle.' He added: 'There is an increasing tendency for overseas material to be broadcast without being dubbed. I appreciate that many people don't like dubbed dialogue, but if you're blind it's invaluable – you can piece together the storylines simply by listening to what is said.' So, there you go, dear blog reader - according to this risible arsehole, Borgen, Spiral, The Bridge et al now have to be dubbed (regardless of whether the vast majority of their audience wants them to be) for the sake of a handful of visually impaired people who may, or may not, want to listen to them. Of course, risible Blunkett didn't say who, exactly, was going to pay for this dubbing (voice actors don't do it for free, you know, Dave?) which is especially important in the case of those particular imported dramas as they're all shown on BBC4, a channel which - thanks to the previous DG at the Beeb - currently hasn't got a pot to piss in. Typical Labour, full of really bright ideas until somebody lands up with a bill. Then, they usually shite in their own pants and run a mile. All politicians are complete and utter scum, dear blog reader, not just the Tories. A spokesman for Ofcom said: 'Viewers have made clear to us that they have concerns about the quality of subtitling. So we recently announced proposals to improve this, working with deaf and hearing impaired viewers and groups, as well as broadcasters. We expect to finalise our plans in the next few months.'
And, speaking of whinging berks, odious, risible, arsehole (and drag) Jamie Oliver has been whinging like a whinging whinger again. Because, there's a 'y' in the day. This time it's about, you know, stuff that nobody gives a toss about. Except the Gruniad Morning Star, of course - they love this sort of malarkey and tonguing odious risible smear Jamie Oliver's ringpiece on a regular basis. Some poorer Britons choose to eat 'chips and cheese out of Stryrofoam containers' while sitting in a room with 'a massive fucking TV', the vile and odious rascal Oliver whinged, adding that he 'cannot understand modern-day poverty in Britain.' Which, coming from a multi-millionaire like him is, frankly, a bit bloody insulting. Just like most of the things the vile and odious rascal has to say on just about any subject, frankly.

Yer actual Mel Giedroyc has claimed that she puts on weight during each series of The Great British Bake Off. The presenter - who co-hosts the BBC2 show with Sue Perkins her very self - explained that she gains nearly a stone while filming the series. 'I've put on a good eleven pounds every series,' she told Radio Times. 'The first couple of episodes it's, "No thank you, not for me." Cut to the semi-final and we're hoofing up whole quiches.' For God's sake don't tell the vile and odious rascal Oliver, Mel, he'd probably beat you on the bare bum with one of his Sainsburys instant meal range until you beg for mercy (or, beg for more if you're,into that sort of thing). And, you know, seconds. Mel also said that her 'main issue' during each series is, allegedly, keeping judge Mary Berry warm while filming. 'When we first started filming, in April, it was freezing so our main concern was to keep Mary warm. She had four thermal layers on and two water bottles down the trousers,' Mel claimed. She added: 'This year we discovered these marvellous heated belts called "hot trusses." I was a big fan. They keep your stomach in as well, which is useful as the series goes on.'

Meanwhile, dear blog reader, it has been commented upon that From The North is just about the only organ of the media not to have featured a picture of Cheryl Cole's arse since she had he tattoo unveiled over the weekend. So, it's about time we put that right.
England coach Andy Flower has called for a change to bad light regulations after his side missed out on a dramatic win in the final Ashes Test on Sunday. Chasing two hundred and twenty seven, England were just twenty one runs short of their target with four potential overs remaining when bad light - and two umpires without a dose on common sense in their bodies - forced the players off the field at The Oval. 'In my opinion it should be whether the contest between bat and ball is reasonable and fair,' said Flower. Which sounds fine but that's, surely, far too sensible for the ICC to take on board. 'I think the ICC need to change those regulations, cricket will be better,' Flower continued. Michael Clarke had declared his side's second innings on one hundred and eleven for six in a bid to force a result, but England quickly set about reaching their target, helped by Kevin Pietersen's quick-fire sixty two and fifty nine from Jonathan Trott. They were well in sight of sealing their first four-nil win in a home Ashes series when, prompted by much whinging like a big stroppy girl from Clarke his very self, the umpires took the players from the field, much to the displeasure of those at the ground. 'I think the ICC could improve the regulations, and we've spoken with ICC officials about this for years. The description they use when judging bad light and when they consider whether it's "dangerous" or not - often it is not dangerous and it's a poor description of that particular regulation. If there are spinners bowling, under their regulations at the moment it almost means you could play until it is dark because it's obviously not dangerous.' ECB chairman Giles Clarke echoed Flower's comments, vowing to take the matter up with the ICC. 'It's totally unsatisfactory,' Clarke told BBC Radio 5Live. 'We've had a magnificent match and I'm afraid to say the rules are clearly completely unacceptable. It should have been dealt with previously by David Richardson [chief executive officer of the ICC] and I expect him to deal with them at the next ICC board meeting in October.' When asked if he would be 'making a representation' about it, Clarke added: 'I'll be doing a little bit more than that.' Meanwhile, having stepped down as England's one-day and Twenty/20 coach last year, there had been speculation regarding Flower's future with the test side, something the former Zimbabwe international dismissed. 'I don't look too far ahead as regards to my own personal situation,' said Flower. 'We've got the challenge of an away Ashes coming up, but at the moment we're reflecting on a job well done by the players. They should feel very proud of themselves and very satisfied. Winning away in Australia is a tough ask without a doubt but we know that we are capable of it.'

Children's favourite Miffy, the cartoon rabbit drawn by Dutch artist Dick Bruna, is to get a revamp in the UK. Publishers Simon and Schuster have announced a number of Miffy books will be updated'"to appeal to a modern British audience.' They will feature new translations of Bruna's original rhyming verse by award-winning poet Tony Mitton. The books Miffy, Miffy at the Gallery and Miffy at the Zoo will be the first to be re-launched in February 2014. A variety of novelty and activity books will also be published alongside the traditional square Miffy hardbacks. It is fifty years since the series was first published in the UK. Bruna created Miffy in 1955 whilst on a rainy seaside holiday, as a story to entertain his young son. At first, he was uncertain whether the rabbit was a boy or a girl, but settled the matter by putting her in a dress for the sixth book, Miffy's Birthday, in 1970. In Holland, she is called Nijntje ('little rabbit'). It was her first English translator, Olive Jones, who christened her Miffy. Over the years, Bruna has written more than thirty books and at eighty five-years-old is still creating new Miffy stories. More than eighty five million copies have been sold around the world and they have been translated into more than fifty languages.

A woman has claimed that she recovered her stolen bike by stealing it back from the man who took it. The woman from Vancouver reported the theft to the police, but decided to take action herself when a friend spotted the bike being advertised on Craiglist the following day. Posing as a potential buyer, she arranged to meet the thief at a nearby McDonalds and asked him if she could take the bike for a test drive. She explained on reddit: 'I asked the guy if I could take it for a ride around the parking lot. He was wary and said, "Yeah, but don't take off." I said not to worry that I wouldn't even think of it! My heart was pounding and I had no idea what to do, so I just got on the bike and was like, "Fuck this guy" and started to ride. As I was riding away, I called my friend who was driving to meet me as backup. I rode to the adjacent parking lot where she was pulling into as I was riding. We watched the guy start to look for me, and he got super-freaked out and he suddenly just took off running.' The victim was able to find the suspected thief's details, including his telephone number, from the Craiglist listing. She has forwarded the information to the police and the Canadian Crime Stoppers Association. It's to be hoped the thieving bastard gets caught and hanged with a rusty bike-chain from a nearby post by his 'nads until he squeals, and he bubbles and he beg - begs - for mercy. Then let's see if he's so keen on his thieving way.

And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping was recently asked were there any protest songs left in the Twenty First Century. Yes, there are, dear blog reader. Definitively. Usually about the price of shoes, or something. As if to prove that, here's some Discobitch.

No comments: