F**kin' 'Ell, It's Abi Titmuss!

And, so we begin the latest batch of Top Telly News, dear blog reader, with an obscure pop-culture reference from the 1980s indie-scene. What a surprise. Abi Titmuss has claimed that playing a nurse (presumably, a 'naughty' one) on Holby City would be her 'dream role.' The former nurse, turned glamour model, who is now supposed to be giving acting a try, admitted that she had discussed appearing in such a show when she worked at the Royal Brompton Hospital. 'The one thing I would love to do is play a nurse,' she told the website Digital Spy during an in-depth and hard-hitting interview. One in which Abi aired her thoughtful views of all manner of subjects from the terrible situation in the Middle East, to the tragedy of teenage illiteracy and the environmental devastation caused, on a daily basis, by Chris Moyles. Or, you know, not. 'When I was working on the wards, the other nurses would say, "Abi, we'll know you've made it when you play a nurse." So something like Holby City or Casualty would be brilliant,' she noted. However, the Celebrity Love Island contestant and reality TV regular also admitted that she has had trouble finding much thespian work which does not require her to appear with her kit off. How very curious. Is anyone able to come up with some reasons for such an oddity?

The BBC's comedy supremo, Lucy Lumsden, is leaving the corporation after eleven years to join Sky. This brings to an end Lumsden's career at the BBC, latterly as Controller of Comedy Commissioning - a post that she has held since 2005. Before taking her most recent role, Lumsden worked in the BBC's independent comedy team on shows such as Bedtime and Human Remains. Lucy began her career in television in 1992 on The Comic Strip, and has also worked in the area of both drama serials and documentaries. Lumsden's move to Sky follows criticism of the BBC's recent track record of launching bold, new, mainstream comedy on its terrestrial channels - particularly BBC1 which is seen as over-reliant on Last Of The Summer Wine and, to a lesser extent, My Family. The move will see her reunited with Stuart Murphy, Sky's Director of Programming and a former controller of BBC3 with whom she commissioned the award-winning Gavin and Stacey.

As the BBC, ITV and Channel 4 cut ­budgets and programmes, there is one corner of British television where times have never been better: satellite broadcaster Sky. The UK's biggest pay TV provider, buoyed by subscriptions that are still rising despite the economic downturn, is in a bullish mood, spending money while competitors retrench, as exemplified by its splashy 1980s-style ­advertising for the drama adaptation of Martina Cole's The Take. Sky's snaring of Lucy Lumsden (see above) and its move into a genre which is traditionally expensive and risky, follows bids by Stuart Murphy for established hits and talent from terrestrial rivals. While ITV's Harry Hill and the final series of Gavin and Stacey will stay put despite Sky's overtures, Sky did manage to secure the cult US medical drama House, starring Hugh Laurie, from Five paying an estimated £500,000 an episode. Sky's burgeoning ambitions contrast with the decline of its competitors. Setanta, the pay-TV broadcaster that has poured hundreds of millions into sport over the last three years, was left close to collapse last night after the ­Premier League terminated its £392m contract to show live matches.

Eamonn Holmes and his fiancée, Ruth Langsford, are reported to be 'worried' that they could be dropped from This Morning. The couple, who got engaged in March, are thought to be deeply concerned about their future on the ITV daytime show after bosses failed to assure them that they would definitely be returning. 'They love presenting the show and have great chemistry on air,' one production insider told the Sun. 'But Eamonn, in particular, is expensive and he is worried they can no longer afford him.' Oh dear. How very sad. Never mind.

Channel 4 chief executive Andy Duncan has vowed to stay with the broadcaster for at least another two years. Duncan has shot down industry rumours that the publication of the government's Digital Britain report last week would pave the way for his departure, in an interview with the Observer. With Lord Carter rejecting a merger of C4 and Five and calling on C4 and BBC Worldwide to firm up their joint venture plans – a move backed by both the Tories and Liberal Democrats according to Duncan – he said he was now focusing on what his organisation would look like in the future. 'Now is the moment to stop talking about a [funding] gap,' he said. 'My job is to think about two or three years from now, or five years from now.'

Michael Schumacher has been revealed in his secret identity as The Stig on Top Gear. Or not, as the case may be. The former Formula1 world champion removed the trademark white helmet and visor during an interview with show host Jeremy Clarkson on last night's opening episode of the popular motoring show's thirteenth series after completing a record-breaking lap on the production's test track in Dunsfold Park, Surrey. It has been suggested that The Stig is played by at least four professional drivers (including another former F1 world champion Damon Hill), with some commentators claiming that up to eight people have taken on the role at various times. A Top Gear spokesman confirmed to the Daily Telegraph that Schumacher had driven the latest lap in a one million pound Ferrari FSX but added that the identity of The Stig at other times would remain 'a mystery.' I have only one question to ask in regard to this matter. Why the long face, Michael?

BBC future media controller Anthony Rose was honoured with the Individual Achievement Award for his 'ground-breaking' work on the BBC iPlayer at this week's Broadcast's Digital Awards. Rose, formerly chief technology officer at Kazaa, joined the BBC in 2007 and was praised by judges as being the man who 'made the iPlayer work.'

Alan Titchmarsh is to front a forthcoming ITV series on the seasons and climate change. Produced by Tiger Aspect, The Seasons will look at seasonal change in the modern word and how the weather affects us all. The four-part natural history series aims to show how changes in the global jet stream and oceans affect our mood, culture and behaviours and how this influences everything from wildlife to the stock market. Rumours that The Thinking Octeganarian's Stud will get eaten by Triffids during the climax are, apparently, unfounded. Which is very sad, of course. Hey wouldn't it be, like, great if Abi Timuss married Alan Titchmash? Then she'd be Abi Titmuss-Titchmarsh. And also, it'd be totally fantastic if Kylie Minogue were to get married to the lead singer of 1980s hit band The Mighty Wah! Then she'd be Kylie Wylie.

Ex-Doctor Who companion Billie Piper and former test cricketer Peter Willey, anyone?

Nah, lissun...

BBC1 is planning an animated version of Julia Donaldson's bestselling children's book, The Gruffalo, as one of the centrepieces of its Christmas schedule. Robbie Coltrane will voice the eponymous monster, Helena Bonham-Carter is lined-up as narrator and Rob Brydon and James Corden will also loan their voices to the short film - with Corden playing the mouse at the centre of the book. It will be produced by Pinewood Studios-based indie Magic Light Pictures, with a combination of clay scenery and CGI-animated characters.

The rules were thought to be simple but, after the debacle of last year when Corpus Christi College, Oxford were thrown out of University Challenge, even though they were the best team by a street-and-a-half, the BBC has changed the regulations for the first time since the show began, on Granada, in 1962. If it was not clear before, the BBC spelled it out in its new guidelines: 'University Challenge is a competition for teams of students.' A seven-page document was sent to all twenty eight competing teams clarifies the eligibility criteria, including three definitions of what a student actually is, before filming began last week on the thirty ninth series of Britain's longest-running quiz show. The BBC said that filming will in future take place over a single academic year. That change was not made in time for the series currently in production, but will come into force next year. The tightening of the rules comes after the Observer revealed in March that Corpus Christi's Sam Kay had graduated and become a trainee accountant during the production of the programme. In the later rounds, he claimed he was still studying chemistry. But, in reality, Kay had been refused funding to study for a master's degree and did not tell producers that he had started work. Thus depriving the magnificent Gail Trimble of her rightful status as "Queen of Brains."

Week Twenty Six: He Found God In A Wiltshire Field. And You Did Not.

The Stig, the mystery driver who tests high-performance cars on Top Gear, will take his helmet off for the first time in tonight's opening episode of the show's thirteenth series, the BBC has confirmed. Jeremy Clarkson, writing in his column in the Sun, revealed the unmasking, saying Stig's identity would be a 'staggering surprise' to viewers. He said the Stig would barge into the studio in the pre-recorded BBC2 show before showing his face. The driver has previously been named by some newspapers as stunt driver Ben Collins. The BBC has previously refused to confirm or deny whether Collins, who has worked on many films including the James Bond movie Quantum Of Solace, is The Stig. Clarkson, said that, while filming the scenes, 'hardened, emotionless camera crews said the hair on the back of their neck prickled. As a television moment, it's up there with Neil Armstrong walking on the ... corpse of JR Ewing,' With a quite staggering po-facedness and lack of anything resembling the sort of humour that Top Gear specialises in, the BBC website states that it 'is not clear if the apparent unveiling is merely a publicity stunt which would mean that Stig's identity remains a mystery.' No shit, Sherlock. It's pretty damn likely I'd've said! Perry McCarthy, a former Formula1 driver, was the original Stig, wearing black overalls for his appearances. He was 'killed off' and replaced with a new Stig, dressed in white, after he had revealed his identity in his 2002 autobiography. Which, subsequently, nobody bought.

Troubled pay-TV broadcaster Setanta has failed to pay the latest chunk of the thirty million smackers it owes the English Premier League – and has thus lost the rights to show any matches next season. A potential rescue deal, led by a US investor who had proposed buying fifty one percent of Setanta, has also fallen through. The league will now put the rights to the forty six live matches which Setana had bought for the 2009-2010 season up for auction, after Setanta missed Friday's payment deadline. Offers to buy the rights will need to be made by Monday. The board of Setanta said it would 'consider its options over the weekend.' In the mean time, 'Setanta's sports channels continue on air,' it added. Late last week, Access Industries, controlled by the US magnate Len Blavatnik, tabled a twenty million pounds bid for a controlling share in the company. It had been hoped Access could lead a consortium of investors to provide fresh funding for Setanta. However Access has now said it was unable to proceed with a deal with Setanta. There had been concerns over how much tax Access could be liable to pay had it acquired Setanta.

The very definition of "yesterday's news" in TV terms - Big Brother pulled in a paltry 2.2 million viewers for their latest eviction earlier in the week, as Cairon became the third person this season to be evicted from the house. Big Brother came third in the 9pm slot, beaten by BBC1 and ITV. The return of Hotel Babylon opened with 4.3m (20%) for BBC One. A repeat of Doc Martin also rated well for ITV with 4.1m (19%), whilst 1.5m (7%) opted for NCiS on Five.

Broadcasters, sponsors and the other commercial partners were this week pouring over the details of their contracts with the Formula1 rights holder, Bernie Ecclestone, with most of them confident they will be able to break them if the sport fractures in two. On the eve of the British Grand Prix, senior broadcasting executives and sports marketing experts were mulling over the implications of FOTA's threat to quit the sport to start their own, rival, championship from 2010. The BBC, which is just months into a new two hundred million pounds five-year contract to cover the sport, is believed to be confident of its ability to walk away from the deal if, as threatened, eight major teams form their breakaway organisation. Lawyers believe the nature of the product would have changed so fundamentally that under common contract law they would be able to break the deal. Invoking the concept of 'force majeure,' they would argue that the product they had signed a deal for in good faith was no longer on offer, due to the fault of neither party. The clause usually applies to 'acts of God' but can also be invoked to cover other unforeseen events. However, it is likely that Ecclestone would challenge such an interpretation, adding to the slew of court cases that will likely be triggered if FOTA acts on its threat. The eight teams - which include Brawn GP, McLaren, Renault and Ferrari - promised in their incendiary statement on Thursday to take all their major sponsors and backers with them. 'The major drivers, stars, brands, sponsors, promoters and companies historically associated with the highest level of motorsport will all feature in this new series,' it said. 'Get the car started,' as David Lloyd would no doubt add.

The Daily Mirror carried out a major interview with ITV's director of programmes Peter Fincham this week in which he stated that he was thrilled to see the Britain's Got Talent final pull in nearly twenty million viewers. Such numbers have not been seen - outside of major sporting events - since the Only Fools and Horses Christmas special in 2001. Fincham noted: 'We didn't think we'd see audiences like that again. We've come through a period when multi-channel TV has grown enormously. Even in that fragmented world the right programme, brilliantly produced and with the right talent involved, can bring together an enormous audience.' It couldn't have come at a better time for the channel, which made a £2.7billion loss last year thanks to plummeting advertising revenues. Some six hundred jobs were axed at ITV and a number of popular veteran shows were either cancelled or rested. However, Fincham says the forty per cent pay cuts which were reported to have been threatened to shell-shocked BBC contracted starts will not be repeated on the commercial channel. 'I am not sure that it's a good idea to treat talent like children who've run amok in a sweet shop,' he said. Fincham is adamant his biggest stars - the likes of Simon Cowell and Ant and Dec - will remain with the channel, even though there will be pressure on them to take some sort of a pay cut. 'I don't want to give the impression ITV is at war with its talent,' he noted. 'We believe, perhaps more than any broadcaster, on having the best people on screen. We have no quarrel with the fact they are very well paid. There may be a number of channels who can get out the chequebook but can they get you ten, twelve, fifteen million viewers?' With regard to drama, Fincham noted 'This year we've had success with Place of Execution, Lost in Austen, Law & Order: UK and Whitechapel - all popular dramas appealing to broad audiences. In these tough financial times, drama is a harder genre to commit to at the levels we have been used to as it's so expensive to make. Heartbeat, The Royal and Primeval have been axed while a planned adaptation of A Passage to India was also canned. But we will do more period drama. Wuthering Heights will be shown later this year and I had a meeting yesterday about an important new period drama series. Whether or not it's the last Foyle's War is as much a decision for writer Anthony Horowitz as it is for us because it's set in the war and we've gone past VE day. We're making three more films taking us up to VJ day, but we're not saying this is the end of Foyle's War, not at all. As for Lewis, we're filming four more this summer. Primeval's been a big hit for ITV, but we're focusing more on 9pm dramas. These are tough decisions to make.'

ITV have finally confirmed that it will not be commissioning a second series of vampire drama Demons, despite a last-minute bid by the show's producer to save it by doing a deal with a US broadcaster. A question mark has hung over the Philip Glenister drama, which is made by Lis Murdoch's production company Shine, since ITV said it would focus its resources on post-watershed dramas and dropped another Saturday – more popular and, frankly much better – family drama series, Primeval. 'It will not be returning,' an ITV spokesman said of Demons with the kind of brutal finality that one normally expects to be followed by a 'good riddence to bad rubbish.' The Sun had reported in February that Glenister was quitting Demons, putting a big question mark over the show's future. It is understood that similar reasons to the cancellation of Primeval were given to Demons' producers by ITV when announcing their decision. Sources told Media Gruniad that the international distributors of Demons, Sony, had held talks with the Sci Fi Channel in the US, which would have seen the US cable broadcaster contributing some funding for a second series in order to make it cheaper for ITV. Sci Fi was also in concurrent talks to buy the first series of Demons, which would complement its existing - and popular - line-up of UK shows which includes Primeval, and a trio of cult-hit BBC series Doctor Who, Torchwood and Sarah Jane Interferes. However, now that ITV have officially confirmed it will not commission a second series, any deal with Sci Fi looks unlikely. Impossible Pictures, the producers of the dinosaur fantasy drama Primeval, tried a similar deal to finance a fourth series of their show. Sources have said that while ITV has not shut the door on all pre-watershed drama series, the ones it does commit to have to be 'cost effective' (so, that's cheap, basically) and 'work for the slot' as well as having a buzz around them.

That oily, full-of-himself cheb Piers Morgan has – for the second time in a few months - mocked Jonathan Ross's viewing figures, suggesting that Ross's popularity has not yet recovered from last year's scandal involving actor Andrew Sachs. Big fight, little people you might think. And, you'd be dead right. Ross, reader's may remember, was given a twelve-week suspension by the BBC after he and Russell Brand left obscene messages on Mr Sachs's answering machine during a radio programme. You might have heard about it. Somewhere. Speaking at the premiere of Bansky's Coming To Dinner in London, Morgan told London Lite: 'I don't think Jonathan Ross has bounced back from the Andrew Sachs scandal. Three million viewers, when I get over five million? If I were him I'd shoot myself.' Nice. Encouraging suicide, Mr Morgan. That's illegal, isn't it? Sort of thing you were rather infamous for when you edited the Mirror, wasn't it? Oh no, sorry, that was printing lies about British servicemen. My apologies, it's so easy to get those two things mixed up. Bit of selective boasting also, as it happens. Morgan's Life Stories did, indeed, attract an audience of a smidgen under five million viewers (not over it) for the episode where the presenter interviewed Katie Price about her various sexual adventures, but figures dropped to a low of 3.66 million for his talk with Richard Madeley a month later. By contrast Friday Night With Jonathan Ross had 4.74 million viewers on its return to TV in January, but has reportedly since settled down to an average of somewhere close to the show's pre-ban figure of around 3.75 million each week. Also, of course, there's the question of the lead-in shows for both. Ross has The Ten O'Clock News whilst Morgan had the hugely popular Dancing On Ice and, as a consequence, managed to lose vastly more of his inherited audience that Rossy could dream of doing. Morgan, of course, has 'form' relating to this kind of thing, having previously described Ross as 'smug' - yes, I know, very much a pot/kettle/black-type situation there - and said that the broadcaster and his peers were 'entertainers who wouldn't know a good journalistic question if it bit them on their backsides.' As opposed to Morgan himself, it would seem, who isn't either a good journalist or an entertainer, merely a pain in the rear. If there's one thing I - genuinely - hate in this world, it's wretched school bullies - particularly overgrown ones in their forties.

Some Top Telly Tips? You betcha.

Friday 26 June
It's been a long time coming, baby, but Neil Young makes his debut at Worthy Farm tonight as he brings his Revolution Blues down the mountain in a million dune buggies to Glastonbury - 10:05 BBC2. The rock goliath - one of Glasto founder Michael Eavis's favourite artists - is among several veterans playing on that oily stage in Wiltshire this year including, on Saturday, his former bandmates Dave Crosby, Stephen Stills and ... the other one. There's also the virry boss himself Bruce Springsteen and his E Street Band. Highlights of Young's performance can be seen on BBC2 around 11:00. Of course, Neil was actually due to play the festival about five or six years ago but he accidentally cut his finger whilst making a ham sandwich a few weeks before and had to pull out. True story! Less legendary perhaps, but making up in attitude what they lack in back catalogue, will be New York disco diva Lady GaGa (on BBC3), Friendly Fires and the hotly hot Little Boots. (Pictured, right, playing her organ in her pants - and, hey, whyever not?) This year's pop-rock sensation Fleet Foxes and the similar great white hope of several years ago, Doves, promise more traditional, guitar-based ballads, while a troupe of Radio1 presenters - including the still-great Marky Mark Radcliffe and Wor Luscious Lovely Lauren and the was-once-terrific-but-is-now-completely-up-her-own-arsehole Jo Whiley - pump out interviews and the backstage gossip. Hot-diggerdy. Look out, also, for Tom Jones, The Prodigy and Blur on Sunday. And, to complete your full Glastonbury experience, simply go into your back garden, hose the ground for half-an-hour until it's nice and muddy, drink a bottle of Tizer really quickly until your brain begins to throb, then take your telly about two hundred metres away and stand there squinting at it whilst ripping up twenty pound notes and you'll find it's be JUST like being there.

Saturday 27 June
Michael McIntyre takes his Comedy Roadshow – 9:30 BBC1 - over the Severn Bridge to Welsh Wales and Swansea's Grand Theatre, where he is joined - deep in the Valleys there's lovely, look you - by headliner that well-known Welshman Sean Lock (eh?). Plus Steve Williams, Ava Vidal and Alun Cochrane. I've liked bits of all three episodes so far (Shappi Khorsandi on last week's show, in particular - that was sensational) but it remains a rather patchy show and, essentially, what I described it as on the radio the week before the show even aired - The Comedians for the 21st Century. What you see is what you get.

Sunday 28 June
A bit of everything on TV tonight, which is good. There's Top Gear, of course - 8:00 on BBC2 – which, to be honest, I'd mention near enough every week if I could get away with it. Particularly as tonight's episode features dear old Stephen Fry as the Star in the Reasonably Priced Car. But, I feel it's only fair that I give some other shows a chance once in a while. Never fear, dear blog reader, we'll be mentioning The Gear a lot over the next six weeks. In Casualty 1909 - 9:00 BBC1 - the strain of being 'married to the hospital' takes its toll on Sister Ada Russell, as she nears collapse. On one of the London's Jewish wards, Nurse Goodley finds herself increasingly drawn to the charismatic radical Saul Landau - but Saul has a life-threatening illness. As mentioned last week, good little series this - my Beeb colleague Gilly Hope is a big fan. Lots of very good actors and, interestingly, although the drama is set a hundred years ago the writers are still able to tackle surprisingly modern issue-based stories (teenage pregnancy, addiction and pollution being three recent examples).

Alternatively, on Thin Ice - 9:00 BBC2 - James Cracknell and Ben Fogle, having rowed the Atlantic last year, attempt to race to the South Pole for an encore. Why? There's nothing there apart from some penguins. Anyway, the duo start their training and learn to cope with extreme cold and wind in a climatic chamber, expose themselves to hypothermia (you know, 'for a laugh') and, most importantly, find their third victim, sorry, team member – Trainspotting actor Jonny Lee Miller. Together, the three polar novices travel to Norway to attend their first race training session and to learn the basic skills required to survive the constant cold of Antarctica. When Top Gear did something like this a few years back, they just got in their car and drove. Much easier, I reckon. Cut out all of the unnecessary work.

The Secret Caribbean with Trevor McDonald - 8:00 ITV – is the first installment of a three-part series in which Sir Trev travels across the Caribbean visiting some of the beautiful, dangerous and vibrant islands that make this region so unique. First up is Necker Island - a family home for Richard Branson - which is, frankly, enough reason never to go there I'd've said - but also a luxury getaway for the super-rich. And that's a second reason. From there he discovers what life is like in Cuba before going to his birthplace, the gorgeous island of Trinidad, where he enjoys Carnival, a day of colourful and noisy celebrations.

Monday 29 June
Mark Evans presents a science series uncovering the anatomical secrets of some of the animal kingdom's most extraordinary species whilst evolutionary biologist Professor Richard Dawkins traces their place on the tree of life in Inside Nature's Giants - 9:00 Channel 4. Evolution has given elephants vast intestines as well as huge teeth and jaw muscles. The trunk is a wonder of evolution, capable of everything from picking up berries to ripping a tree from the ground.

It's the third week in a row where I've felt compelled to recommend The Supersizers - 9:00 BBC2. Which will be very popular round the office but not with my radio slot's producer who can't stand it or its presenters! Tough! This week, Giles and Sue go back to the 1950s, an era started with rationing and ended when Prime Minister Harold MacMillan remarked that we'd 'never had it so good.' Cookery writer Mary Berry helps Sue to become the perfect housewife as they start the week on rations with canned salmon and horse. Meanwhile, Giles has his boss from The Times round for Babycham and a dinner taken from Elizabeth David's contemporary bestseller, Mediterranean Food.

The ONE Show's resident interfering busybody, the gnomic Dominic Littlewood, claims to be 'battling of behalf of motorists' in Dom's On The Case: Road Rip-Offs - 7:30 BBC1. In this installment, Dom gets on the case in aid of drivers who've 'been driven mad by parking tickets' (what, actually properly 'driven mad' or, you know, just 'a bit annoyed and cheesed off'? I'm guessing it's more likely to be the latter). He also investigates why a government department is selling motorists' details to private companies. Yeah, rite on Dom. You stick it to The Man, brother. But then, a couple tell Dom how speed cameras are not just revenue-raisers and could have saved their fifteen-year-old daughter's life, the point at which, I imagine, most of the country's militant petrolheads will realise that this show isn't Top Gear's soul-mate and promptly switch over to Coronation Street on the other side with a 'hmmphf' of bitter disgruntlement. That's the thing about making bold claims about battling 'on behelf of motorists', pal, you can't go halfway - you're either Jezza Clarkson or you're Bill Oddie, there's simply no middle ground these days. Dom finally nails his colours firmly to the mast by challenging residents of a Southampton street to live without their cars for a week. See what I mean? That's 'battling on behalf of motorists,' is it? By getting them to stop driving? What a flawless plan.

Tuesday 30 June
Film-maker Dan Reed's Dispatches: Terror in Mumbai - 9:00 Channel 4 – details the 2008 terrorist attack in Mumbai via new evidence and interviews with those involved. The documentary features footage of the attacks and the carnage they brought and testimonies from senior police officers and hostages recounting their harrowing ordeals and dramatic escapes. It's nice to see that, in the midst of much of the crass nonsense it produces in the name of "entertainment" these days, Channel 4 does - just occasionally - still remember its public service broadcasting roots.

The World's Best Diet - 8:00 ITV – concludes a two-part special of hypocritical Food Fascism from the commercial network that's still perfectly happy to broadcast adverts for McDonald's, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken and all manner of other producers of lard-based obesity. Not that I want to see the back of such adverts, you understand, I've got no problem with them I'd much rather see the back of crass nonsense like this. Four overweight gut-bucket celebs (and again, as with Celebrity Masterchef last week I, and TV, use the word 'celebrity' quite wrongly) are adopting the diets of other cultures which have bucked the UK obesity trend to see who will lose the most weight and emerge the healthiest. And win a prize, probably - two weeks holiday inside a chocolate eclair of their choice no doubt. At least, however, they'll be able to get their overfed mush on TV for sixty minutes a week which is almost certainly the main point of the exercise. Today, the actress Linda Robson (remember her? She used to be in a sitcom about ten years ago) and columnist Carole Malone (whom?) head to Japan and LA to try out alternative ways of eating. Oh, they're going to just love their time in LA, wallowing in maple syrup in the land of the pancake breakfast. Plus presenter Jonathan Maitland reveals the winner of the six-week challenge. Who bloody cares?

In TV's Believe It Or Not - 9:00 BBC4 - comedian Sean Lock (second time he's been on my recommended list this week, dear blog reader) returns for another helping of extraordinary television from around the world. Essentially, this is Clive James on Television: The Next Generation only this time - unlike Clive, Tarrant, Jimmy Carr, Carrot et al - there's somebody who's actually funny presenting the format. Which is always a bonus, I feel.

Wednesday 1 July
On Coronation Street - 7:30 ITV - a stroll on the beach results in drama for Maria. Kevin comes up with an excuse to see Molly. Rosie's investment is greeted with horror at Underworld. Here's a little bit of Top TV Triv for you, dear blog reader - 'Underworld' is, of course, the name of the knicker-factory on Corrie. It was also the name of a 1977 Tom Baker four-part story in Doctor Who. Mike Baldwin changed the name of his factory at around the same time that a young writer (and rabid Doctor Who fan, author and, these days, script-writer) the lovely Gareth Roberts joined the Corrie production team as a Script Editor in the 1990s. Coincidence? I think not…

Tears, Lies & Videotape - Wednesday 10:35 ITV - looks at the behaviour of some notorious criminal liars, murderers and scum, including Shannon Matthews' mother Karen, Gordon Wardell, Tracie Andrews, Ian Huntley and Fadi Nasri. Some of these appeared, distraught, at televised press conferences to appeal for help and managed to fool the nation with their sinful naughtiness. Now psychologists Professor David Canter of Liverpool University and Professor Paul Ekman from the University of California examine the footage and investigate whether it was possible to tell that these people were lying. Were the signs there all along? If so, why were they believed in the first place?

Legends: Roy Orbison - The 'Big O' in Britain - 8:00 BBC4 – marks the twentieth anniversary of the singer's death. This documentary celebrates the extraordinary talent of Roy Orbison and his relationship with his most loyal fans and British musicians. Through a combination of interview and archive footage, it charts Orbison's career in Britain, from his early hits in the late fifties, through a sell-out concert tour with the Beatles in 1963 that rocketed him back to a level of superstardom that most thought was long since passed (he wrote 'Pretty Woman' on the bus during the tour whilst John and Paul watched, impressed) to the collaboration with his George Harrison in the Travelling Wilburys in the 1980s. This is the man who sang, in a voice marbled with passion and fear, 'Running Scared' one of the most remarkable and intense songs ever written (a particular favourite of John Peel, incidentally). What a fabulous performance. Really looking forward to this one. BBC4 music documentaries - the best thing on British TV at the moment by a considerable distance.

Thursday 2 July
It's all documentaries tonight, dear blog reader. RSPCA: On the Frontline - 7:30 Five – is a series following a group of newly qualified RSPCA inspectors as they start work on the front line of animal welfare. Pam is on patrol at a local agricultural show when tragedy strikes, Nic is called to deal with a nest of snakes in a shed and Amanda tries to save a hedgehog with a head injury. Ah.

Another impressive looking piece, The Best Job in the World - 9:00 BBC1 - follows the marketing campaign for an Australian State, which asked for potential caretakers for a beautiful barrier reef location, Hamilton Island, paying seventy thousand pounds for six months work, and with a luxury villa for accommodation thrown in. It was launched in the depths of credit-crunch January and caught the world's imagination with a cheeky Internet-based campaign. Thirty five thousand people (including me, actually) applied from across the globe with brilliantly funny and original one minute videos to sell themselves. Except mine was neither brilliant, funny nor particularly clever - just desperate - and that's, presumably, why I didn't get the gig! A lack of personality wouldn't have helped, mind! The winner, Ben Southall, starts work soon. Lucky chap! Enjoy yerself thoroughly, Ben, I'm sure it'll be the trip of a lifetime.

And, speaking of trips of lifetimes, Can I Get High Legally? - 9:00 BBC3- sees George Lamb diving, head first, into the world of legal party pills and herbal highs, sold openly and lawfully in shops across the UK and on the Internet. He sets out to discover why they are legal when seemingly similar drugs are not and whether this means they can also be called 'safe,' meets people who take and sell them and a doctor who says they are potentially more dangerous than class A drugs. He travels to Guernsey, where most of the young people he meets claim to have tried them and he finally decides to try one for himself. And, when he comes back from Neptune, he'll tell you all what it was like. Talk about the best job in the world, eh…?

This Week's Top Telly Round-Up

Animal rights pressure group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is reported to be rather upset that Barack Obama killed a fly during a live televised interview with CNBC. They are, therefore, sending the president a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, a device which allows users to trap flies and then release them outside, unharmed, into the wild. Or, you know, into the garden anyway. 'We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals,' PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said on Wednesday. 'We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals.' During the interview at the White House on Tuesday, a fly intruded on Obama's conversation with correspondent John Harwood. 'Get out of here,' the president told the insect. When it refused to comply with the presidential edict, he waited for the fly to settle, put his hand up and then smited it dead. Just like he'll do with any North Koreans what fancy their chances messing with the Big Boys, like. Allegedly. Tough on flies, tough on the causes of flies. I wonder if anyone has yet pointed out to PETA that, actually, flies aren't animals per se, they're insects, and that they should really be changing their name to PETA&I if they wish to have their comments taken even remotely seriously.

Former second-worst-but-still-pretty-damned-good James Bond Timothy Dalton (who was so good in Hot Fuzz a couple of years back) will be appearing in the two-part Doctor Who Christmas Special as a Time Lord, according to various media reports. Rumours abound across fandom as to whether he's playing one that we've previously met (Omega, Rassilon, Lord Borusa, Chancellor Goth, that one out of The War Games played by Philip Madoc that nobody can ever remember the name of) or a new character completely. The episodes will also see the very welcome return of John Simm as the blondest and maddest Master y'ever did see and, of course, the regeneration of David Tennant into Mel Smith. And loads of other stuff that I could tell you about but I'd have to eat myself afterwards.

Strictly Come Dancing judge Arlene Phillips has been given the boot, the Sun have alleged although the BBC have yet to confirm this. The sixty six-year-old choreographer was 'officially told by BBC bosses last night following top-level talks,' the paper states. Former show-winner Alesha Dixon is allegedly being lined-up in Phillips' place to inject some youthful glamour into the ageing panel. Producers are said to want a "sexier" feel to compete with ITV's The X Factor — a hit with younger viewers. Bosses also hope that signing Alesha will appeal to ethnic viewers.

Two new daytime shows for ITV to keep an eye open for:
The Chase - 29th June - 11th July, hosted by Bradley Walsh and The Fuse - 13th July - 24th July, hosted by Austin Healy. Both look a bit 'blah' and lowest-common-denominator for my tastes from the format descriptions but, as always, dear blog reader, I'd advise you to watch the first episodes and make your own minds up.

Here's a couple of pieces of possible TV scheduling news gleamed from the DVD release schedule - Trevor McDonald's Secret Caribbean is due out on DVD in mid-July. Could that be taking over from Stephen Tompkinson and his beautiful balloon adventures when that finishes next Sunday? As Ian Robinson pointed out on Gallifrey Base, 'Trevor McDonad's Secret Caribbean sounds like a new detective series. I can imagine Sir Trev hanging round the sleazy bars of Kingston, telling us stories of hoods and dames.' Indeed. He reads the news and he solves crime. This stuff just writes itself. BBC Press packs are also out for the next run of The Street, so that's, seemingly, another show which is looking likely for a July return.

In one of the Media Guardian blogs about Robin Hood the blogger states that 'the BBC is understandably reluctant to pull this hugely successful drama.' Has he (or she) any inside info, one wonders? As all of the traditional recomissioning signs point very much otherwise. The blogger mentions that Robin Hood shows 'no sign of dipping in popularity.' They clearly hasn't been watching the ratings for the current season in that case. Don't get me wrong I like the show a lot (possibly for many of the wrong reasons, but still...) but with Jonas Armstrong having already announced he's leaving, I have my doubts about the show's longevity. Particularly as their best two actors (the excellent Joe Armstrong and the brooding Richard Armitage) are already starting to pick up recurring roles elsewhere. But, there are strong rumours that Sally Wainwright has been asked by the BBC for ideas on reformating the franchise so, I guess, anything's possible.

It was a reasonable start for Occupation in terms of ratings on Tuesday though let's not get carried away. It's worth remembering that just four years ago Jane Tranter's 'Oh no, it's a total disaster' figure for Doctor Who's opening night was four million. Four and a half for Occupation at 9:00 on a nice Tuesday evening in the middle of June with not much opposition is ... all right, in the current climate but it's still not great. The fact that a repeat of New Tricks the night before got roughly the same number of viewers speaks volumes.

The BBC Trust has warned it will not 'sit quietly by' whilst the licence fee becomes a general 'slush fund,' in a strongly-worded list of objections to the Digital Britain report. Chairman Sir Michael Lyons stressed the governing body's statutory commitment to represent the interests of licence fee payers – claiming the government would have to 'make a good case for any other use' of the BBC's funding, over and above its return to viewers. He cited Ofcom findings that licence fee payers would prefer to have the money returned to them in the form of a lower licence fee than to have it used for any other purpose – equivalent to more than nine pounds per household by 2012-13. In particular, the Trust raised concerns over government plans to ring fence a portion of the BBC licence fee to pay for a second regional news operation on ITV. The proposal marks a major victory for ITV – but Lyons said there has not been enough debate about how much the operation would cost, and that they 'fail to take into account' other potential sources of commercial and public funding. It's about time somebody at the BBC started showing a bit of backbone about this quite disgraceful fiasco instead of cowering in the corner and saying 'please don't hurt us anymore.'

BBC4's feature-length Comedy Songs: The Pop Years was something of a surprise hit last night at 9pm with 606,000 viewers (3.2% share), the channel's third biggest hit so far this year. The ninety-minute show, which looked at the art of the comedic song with clips from iconic shows like Monty Python's Flying Circus and The Goons, started off with 416,000 and grew to a high of 718,000 at 9.45pm before trailing off in the last fifteen minutes. The show was up on the channel's slot average so far this year of 190,000 (0.9%). Only two shows on BBC4 have gained a higher audience this year: Anne Frank Remembered picked up 756,000 at 7.30pm on 9 January and Calendar Girls on 27 February at 10pm averaged 615,000.

BBC1's Saturday evening gameshow Hole in the Wall - which gained something of a cult following last year in the 'so bad, it's brilliant' arena - is to return for a second series, with production relocating to Scotland, a move that will help boost the corporation's regional programming quota. The show, which is based on a Japanese format and sees shiny lycra-clad celebrities try to squeeze through different-shaped holes in a moving wall, will also get a new presenter, with Dale Winton being replaced by Strictly Come Dancing star Anton du Beke, who was one of the gameshow's team captains last year. Joe Swash, the former EastEnders actor and winner of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!, and former England rugby player and Strictly contestant Austin Healey will be the new team captains. The ten-part series plus a one-off compilation show will air on BBC1 on Saturdays later this year.

BBC2's excellent food and lifestyle show Supersizers returned stronger than ever on Monday evening with 2.5m viewers (11.4% share), the show's largest ever audience. The Supersizers Eat… the Eighties, which saw presenters Giles Corren and Sue Perkins sample the culinary delights from the 1980s, was up on the channel's slot average for the year of 1.5m. The show also outperformed its previous highest audience for last year's episode The Supersizers Go… Seventies by 47,000.

Channel 4 will cross a frontier in survival programming by dropping a TV producer into the Canadian wilderness for twelve weeks with just a camera and a backpack. You know, 'for a laugh.' Produced by Tigress, the three-part Alone in the Wild will see Ed Wardle left in isolation, recording his experiences of trying to survive mentally and physically.

The Hoffmeister himself, David Hasselhoff will sleep in a haunted castle, row with the Oxford blues and sail a long-boat down the canals of Britain in a six part series for Living TV. The as yet unnamed series will be produced by Summer Films to air in September and follows the success of Living's Hoff: When Scott Came to Stay. The new programme will see Hasselhoff immerse himself in British life and culture for a summer, while his two daughters pursue their pop careers.

Endemol will pitch the Jerry Seinfeld-devised show The Marriage Ref to UK broadcasters after picking up the global rights to the new format. The show, which will be made by Shed Media US for NBC Universal, will be adapted for local markets including the UK by Endemol's global production network and will be marketed at MIP in October with a stand-up performance by Seinfeld. The format will feature fly-on-the-wall footage of couples airing marital disputes. A panel watch and comment humorously and a referee decides who should win each dispute and awards prizes. It will be executive produced in the US by Seinfeld and Oprah Winfrey Show showrunner Ellen Rakieten.

Actress Scarlett Johansson will invite Fearne Cotton to experience her Hollywood Lifestyle in a shadow-a-celebrity series for ITV2 this autumn. The four-part ITV Studios series will see the presenter spend up to two weeks with Johansson. Other episodes will see Cotton spending quality time with heiress Paris Hilton, singer Alesha Dixon and party girl Peaches Geldof. Christ almighty, who effing CARES?

The BBC is developing a new audience measurement tool that has nailed the 'Holy Grail' of audience metrics by factoring in all timeshifted and online viewing. The Cross Media Insight system takes into account narrative repeats, iPlayer figures, recorded programmes, red-button, mobileaccess and viewings via third-party sites such as YouTube, and aggregates them over a fixed period after a show’s initial broadcast. Crucially, it also records uptake from the point of view of the user rather than the platform - known as single source measurement and dubbed the holy grail of audience monitoring. In its current beta phase, it is based on the weekly media diaries of six hundred and viewers. If they're looking for volunteers for the next phase of development, I'll do it!

Five chief executive Dawn Airey has hit back at critics who suggest the Digital Britain report means a bleak outlook for the broadcaster, insisting: 'Five is not in tatters.' Fair enough. What about 'in chaos'? Is that any better?

The Bad News: You're Losing Primeval. The Worse News: You're Getting More Katie & Peter Instead

In the year's (possibly even the decade's) worst-kept TV secret ITV have finally axed Impossible Pictures' dinosaur drama Primeval after months of speculation to focus instead, they claim, on drama aired after 9pm. An ITV spokesman confirmed there were no plans for a fourth series as the broadcaster looked to extract 'maximum value' from its programming budget. For which, read 'pay more money to Simon Cowell cos he's the only person who makes programmes for us that anybody watches.' 'Our current focus is on post-watershed dramas,' he added, although it is understood that ITV will not rule out commissioning or airing pre-watershed dramas entirely. Just better ones than Demons and less expensive ones than Primeval, it would seem. A source close to the production team told website Total Sci-Fi: 'At the point where we finished the third series, we had every reason to believe we would be doing a fourth. Had we known there was any likelihood of cancellation, clearly we wouldn't have left half the cast marooned up a tree in the distant past.'

Sex and the City star Kim Cattrall, Big Brother presenter Davina McCall and rude and obnoxious Radio1 DJ Chris Moyles are to all feature in the new run of BBC1's genealogy series Who Do You Think You Are? which starts next month. The show, produced by Wall to Wall, returns for a six episode run which will also see Peep Show comedian David Mitchell, wildlife presenter Kate Humble and The Office star Martin Freeman researching their personal ancestry. Well, I'm definitely looking forward to the Davey Mitchell and Martin Freeman ones, anyway. Actually, the Kim Cattrall one could be rather decent too. McCall's show, which opens the season, sees the presenter trace her past back through both French and English ancestors. Moyles examines his Irish roots, which takes him from the slums of Dublin to the First World War battle at Ypres.

And now, it's time for our occasional series TV Moment Of The Week: And, undoubtedly, last week it was Jezza Clarkson's 'how could one ever, possibly, get tired of hitting Cristiano Ronaldo, in the face, with a hammer?' rant on 8 Out Of Ten Cats. God bless yer cotton socks, Mr Clarkson, sir. Once again you are on the button in an area of public concern. And Top Gear's back on Sunday. Several stories to follow notwithstanding, for just a moment the sun is shining and all is right in the world.

But, that's not going to last for long, you can tell/ Endemol could be about to kick-start its Endemol Sport division after it emerged as part of an investment consortium working towards a rescue deal for debt-stricken Setanta. Endemol is understood to be part of a refinancing package being pieced together by Access Industries, a private vehicle for Russian-born billionaire Len Blavatnik. Reports suggest Access Industries is looking to pay around twenty million pounds for a fifty one percent controlling stake in Setanta. Access is thought to be carrying out due diligence on Setanta, which has bought itself some breathing space by paying part of the thirty five million pounds it owes the Premier League and scheduling two further payments. Endemol created a London-based sports division in September 2008.

Celebrities 'take time out from fame to play tricks on their fans and famous friends by donning cunning disguises' in a new ITV show which sounds remarkably like a barrel, somewhere, is being scraped. Harshly. In Anonymous, presented by Stephen Mulhern, three celebrities will wear prosthetic disguises to carry out gags on unsuspecting members of the public. Their new 'characters' will then perform 'an elaborate prank' on one of their celebrity friends - hopefully fololowed by them being punched, very hard, in their prosthetic disguise when their duplicity is revealed. The one-off special is made by Tiger Aspect Productions. In it, a sporting legend transforms into a well-to-do theatre luvvie to stitch up his England team-mate; a soap star goes on set of the drama she works on disguised as an Essex WAG to fool her cast-mates and a music mogul and talent show judge ages twenty years to fool his music acts. Stephen Mulhern will take them through the transformation process and will also guide them through the mischievous pranks every step of the way with the help of an earpiece and a microphone. John Kaye Cooper, controller of entertainment for ITV, said: 'It's fascinating to see how some of our best known celebrities are rendered unrecognisable by their disguises and just how they are treated when they are anonymous. Fame counts for nothing if nobody knows who you are and this show provides great comedy moments and an insight into the lives of some of TV's most famous faces.' Yet another glorious moment in ITV's history, it would seem as we're given what is, in effect, Pro-Celebrity Beadle's About by a desperate network trying to pass this donkey off as something new. This, ladies and gentlemen, let's remember, was the network that once produced The Avengers and Rising Damp. World in Action and The South Bank Show. But, no more ... And then they wonder why they're going broke?

Further to this, the Telegraph reports that ITV is clearly finding it increasingly difficult to shield its remaining viewers from its dire financial problems. Afer the disclosure that the Queen will be subjected to a cut-price Royal Variety Performance by the broadcaster this year, Fay Ripley told an interviewer that viewers will notice an omission to Monday, Monday, her forthcoming comedy drama which is named after the 1960s hit by The Mamas & The Papas (and which also stars Jenny Agutter and Holly Aird). The song itself will not be played over the opening and closing credits. 'They said they simply couldn't afford it,' noted Fay. 'It's a terrible shame.'

And, there's more bad news coming from ITVland. Pissed off that they've cancelled Primeval? Well, guess what they've got lined-up to replace it? Katie Price and Peter Andre are reported to have signed up for rival reality shows, according to the Daily Mail. The couple, whose acrimonious split last month after nearly four years of marriage, have both agreed deals with ITV that will - individually - document their newly single lives. 'We're already filming the show. I've just followed Peter to Macau in China, which was absolutely amazing,' said Andre's representative Claire Powell. 'Absolutely amazing' obviously being ITV-speak for total and utter ruddy drivel that only a moron would want to watch, clearly. 'It did him the world of good, and it was so nice to see him smile again.' Ah. Bless. A spokesperson for Price, who parted ways with Powell's management in May, added: 'Katie has signed a separate deal and will be filming her own show.' So, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, messy public divorces can be good for the bank balance. It's a sick, sordid, crappy world we live in, dear blog reader. Of course to suggest - as some commentators have - that the entire marriage was nothing more than a sham and a massive publicity stunt at the public's expenses is probably a bit over-the-top and I certainly don't support it. On the other hand, saying that this pair are a complete joke, both of whom could do with having a good hard dose of harsh reality shoved, forcefully, down their smug throats until they choke on it falls under the legal definition of 'fair and honest comment,' and they can't touch you for it. So, if anybody wants to do that, feel free...

Lastly, dear blog readers, some very good news amid the rank detritus of modern 'celebrity' media: Captain Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper and Ianto Jones return for a brand-new adventure in Torchwood – Children Of Earth, a new five-part drama seriel for BBC1 in July. An ordinary day becomes a world of terror, as every single child in the world stops. A message is sent to the governments of Earth: 'We are coming.' But as a trap closes around Captain Jack, sins of the past are returning, as long-forgotten events from 1965 threaten to reveal an awful truth. Torchwood are forced underground and, with members of the team being hunted down, Britain risks becoming a rogue state. Jack (John Barrowman), Gwen (Eve Myles) and Ianto (Gareth David-Lloyd) are helpless, as events escalate until humankind faces the end of civilisation itself. Due to the popularity of the series, Torchwood has made a swift move from BBC3 to BBC2, with the new instalment, Torchwood – Children Of Earth, finding itself on BBC1. Two promotions in two years - the sort of thing Leeds United still dream about. In one epic story, told over five episodes, the new series promises to be Torchwood's greatest adrenalin-fuelled, high-octane adventure to date. Ah, good. Something John Barrowman's in that doesn't leave me cringing and reaching for the sick bucket.

Curry And A Bit Of Motown

No matter what your colour,
your race or your culture.
THIS is our inheritance.

Dreadzone - 'Little Britain'

I really feel that I should bring to your attention, dear blog reader, a wonderfully articulate and passionate piece written by the very excellent Tom Attah;

'Millions of my ancestors were displaced and murdered to buy my understanding. My forebears were beaten to death to give me my chances and my parents were abused in the streets to purchase my opportunities – so that now, when it is time for ME to understand and to forgive, when it is time for ME to share and to educate – I know how to do it. If I don't stop the wheel of segregation and distrust and lies and ignorance from spinning then I have learned – WE have learned – nothing. But I’m angry about this.

HOW DARE YOU Nick Griffin, lie to my people. HOW DARE YOU Nick Griffin, tell them that you are in this for them. HOW DARE YOU Nick Griffin, tell me that I have no right to be here. The only true indigenous peoples in the UK are the Welsh, and they are angry enough already. This nation was BUILT on immigration, invasion, inclusion and adaption.

My father fought so many battles to get into 2009 and now here we are thinking about the same old thing – a group of people feeling like they have been forgotten, who believe that they are jobless and who think that they have no rights.'

Damn straight, brother. Testify!

Personally, I tend to reduce all repatriationalist arguments, somewhat, to a more manageable maxim: 'Bonehead fascist numskulls (even if they are wearing nice suits) = not a good thing.' But, you know either way works.

There's nothing righteous or honest about basing judgements of a person's worth on something as ephemeral, as downright nothing, as the colour of their skin. 'If you have a racist friend,' Jerry Dammers once noted, 'now is the time for that friendship to end.' That applies to anyone - including members of your family.

Reclaim the flag, it belongs to ALL OF US, not just Daily Scum Mail-reading lice or cretinous bores with tattoos of the queen on their arses. And if you vote BNP - or have ever even briefly considered it - then I really don't want to know you and I'd very much like you to leave this blog and never return. Thanks for your kind co-operation in this matter.

Carter To Grade BBC Successes (Allegedly)

The BBC may soon be forced to give up some of its three and a half billion quid public funding in a massive shake-up of the licence fee, it has been claimed. The technology minister, Lord Carter, is expected to propose 'top slicing' the BBC's budget by up to one hundred and thirty million smackers to help under-pressure ITV and other programme-makers, according to the completely unbiased and agenda-soaked Sunday Telegraph. Carter's White Paper - to be presented to the Cabinet on Tuesday - could also call for Channel Four to receive financial support through a partnership with BBC Worldwide, the corporation's lucrative commercial arm. Under the reported proposals, up to one hundred million knicker of the BBC's funding could be used to pay independent companies to make regional news programmes for ITV. Another thirty million notes of licence fee money could be made available for producers to make current affairs documentaries, to be viewed either on television or on the Internet. The BBC was unavailable for comment concerning the reports but last month Sir Michael Lyons, chairman of the BBC Trust, said the licence fee should be used to pay only for BBC-related content. He said: 'People would do well to remember that licence fee payers give us their money in good faith, believing it will be spent on BBC services and content. To suddenly tell them midway through the settlement that their money is being siphoned off, as some have suggested it should be, would be more than an act of bad faith, it would be tantamount to breaking a contract.'

Interestingly, Carter is also reported to be on the verge of stepping down from his minsterial post to rejoin the private sector after he publishes his Digital Britain report, increasing speculation that he is putting himself in the running for the top job at ITV. The Times reports that in last week's Cabinet reshuffle, Carter told Gordon Brown that he would be leaving the government in July. The former Ofcom chief executive was parachuted into his current post in October last year to build on the regulator's public service broadcasting review and to devise - and push through - a broader digital blueprint for the UK. Carter was beaten to the ITV executive chairman's job by Michael Grade three years ago and he is rumoured to be applying again now that Grade is vacating the post.

Whilst the BBC's publicly-funded position has come under more and more scrutiny as its commercial rivals have struggled in the economic downturn - and a few wretched, rent-a-quote Tory MPs have used the opportunity to stir up trouble with the help of their scum mates in the print media - most people with half-a-brain in their skull realise that taking funds from the BBC and reallocating them to the commercial media is a truly dreadful idea and a slap in the face to every licence fee payer. Writer and comedian Davey Mitchell recently noted that no-one would ever dream of taking money out of the NHS to prop up a private health company like, say, BUPA. So why, therefore, should the BBC - with its public service remit - be expected to prop up any commercially funded broadcaster? Given that ITV has been grossly mismanaged for many years - going back to the ITV Digital fiasco and the ridiculous purchase of Friends Reunited - why should public money be used to bail them out? That's almost communist. And, the question simply has to be asked, will the reverse be true in times of economic growth? When things get rosy again, will ITV be expected to give up a slice of their profits from X-Factor's premier rate telephone lines to help the BBC produce Panorama? I'm betting I know the answer to that one.

However, in far brighter news, Gallifrey Base - the de facto successor to The Doctor Who Forum - is already up and running much sooner than expected. It's already got over three thousand members and it's only been open fourteen hours! Check it out. Tell 'em I sent you!