Thursday, May 03, 2012

Papiss Names The Planets

That goal, right, that goal was poetry. It was a tone poem to artistry, dear blog reader. To flair, to enigma, to genius. It was a thing of extraordinary, delicate, fragile, iridescent beauty.
... and the second one wasn't bad either.

Out! Of! This! World! Thank God Chris Kamara wasn't at Torpedo Stamford Bridge last night, he'd probably have spontaneously combusted! There is, incidentally, an excellent piece by the BBC's Phil McNulty on the way in which Papiss Cisse's second goal at Moscow Chelski FC sums up Newcastle's entire season to date, which you can read here. 'In an exhibitionist show of confidence and natural gifts, the ten million pound January buy from Bundesliga side Freiburg swerved a half-volley with the outside of his right foot that weaved through the air like a guided missile with enough height, power and perfect direction to leave Chelsea keeper Petr Cech stranded as it hit the net high behind him. Alan Pardew's face was a mask of delight and disbelief. Newcastle United's manager shook his head in the direction of Chelsea striker Didier Drogba and mouthed the words: "Unbelievable."'

The France Four network is to celebrate the arrival of series six of Doctor Who to the channel with a special La Nuit Docteur Qui? to be held on Saturday 19 May. Whether it will include Bill Bailey's version of the theme tune as Belgian jazz, we don't know. But, just in case it doesn't here it is anyway! As well as the first four episodes of the series, L'Astronaute Impossible, Jour De La Lune, La Malédiction De La Tache Noire and L'épouse Du Docteur, the channel will be showing some episodes from the classic series, the Tom Baker stories Genèse Des Daleks and Ville De La Mort and the 1964 William Hartnell story Le Bord De La Destruction. Right, dear blog reader, off with ye to BabelFish to work out what they are! Alain Carrazé and Romain Nigita will present a series of reports looking at the Docteur Qui? phenomenon, investigating the origins of the series, profiling the Doctors and Companions and looking to see what the future holds for le seigneur du temps. Interviewed during the night will be Russell Davies, Steven Moffat, Matt Smith, Karen Gillan, Christopher Eccleston, Billie Piper, John Barrowman, Freema Agyeman, Derek Jacobi and Doctor Who Magazine editor Tom Spilsbury as well as French fans of the show like François Descraques or Davy Mourier. A visit to the Doctor Who Experience in London is also included. La Nuit Docteur Qui? is produced by Eight Art Media and filmed partly at the Palais de la Découverte in Paris, and will be presented by Louise Ekland. A full episode listing can be found on This Week in Doctor Who.

Some of the stars of The West Wing - the greatest TV show in the history of the medium (that doesn't have the words 'Doctor' and 'Who' in the title) have reunited for a new Funny or Die video. Martin Sheen, Dulé Hill, Allison Janney, William Duffy, Joshua Malina and Melissa Fitzgerald reprise their West Wing roles in a sketch promoting the 'EveryBody Walk' exercise campaign. The scene spoofs The West Wing's famous 'peda-conferencing' scenes where characters would explain important plot points while hurrying down the White House's hallways. The West Wing's most famous storylines are referenced in the spoof, including President Bartlett wondering aloud where his dead secretary Mrs Landingham is. 'EveryBody Walk' is an online campaign which encourages Americans to improve their overall health by walking thirty minutes a day, five days a week. The West Wing, created by Aaron Sorkin, earned twenty six Emmys and three Golden Globes in its seven-season run. And, the show's eighth series is, effectively, being played out in real-life by the current US administration. only without Josh and Donna 'shippers getting pissed around for seven years, of course.
But, hang on. Isn't CJ supposed to be making babies with Danny in California and Will's in Congress now? I'm all confused. Think I'll go for a walk.

Benedict Cumberbatch has said that he finds, ahem, 'explicit' Sherlock fan fiction to be 'flattering.' That's porn, just in case you were wondering, dear blog reader. Much of it, admittedly, very good porn, but porn none the less. The actor, who plays the titular role in the BBC drama, revealed that he was alerted to the 'racy' stories by his co-star Martin Freeman, who discovered them while in New Zealand shooting The Hobbit. Well, there's not much else to do when you're stuck in New Zealand other than search the Internet for porn, really. 'I am startlingly aware of it. I don't go seeking it, but Martin Freeman, who was an absolute Luddite on the first series, suddenly came back from New Zealand and he had this beautiful Mac with him and said, "Hey, look at this Tumblr." And I said, "What? Tumblr?"' Cumberbatch recalled in an interview with MTV News. 'He knows more about it than I do and he was showing me some of them. Some of it is really racy, un-viewable even on MTV. It's cool. I suppose my bodily proportions are quite flattering. I'm ripped, doing something I wouldn't normally do with my body, or having done to it, involving Watson. So that's as far as I'll hit about that one, but it's all there on the web if you want to find it.' Cumberbatch went on to say that he was 'surprised' to see such a high quality of writing among the fan-penned pieces, adding: 'I was amazed at the level of artistry; people have spent hours doing it. And there's some really weird cross breeding stuff that goes on. The news got out that I was playing Smaug in The Hobbit and suddenly there were lots of dragons with purple scarves flying around so it's crazy, it's crazy.'

The Dictator's General Aladeen has reportedly been banned from appearing on BBC television and radio shows. The Graham Norton Show, The ONE Show, Newsnight and The Andrew Marr Show were all apparently in talks about interviewing Sacha Baron Cohen in the guise of his latest screen creation, but have all pulled out. Shows on Radio 4 and Radio 1 have followed suit, with 'an alleged source allegedly close to Cohen' allegedly snitching the Sun: 'Everyone came back and said they were declining to have him in character on air. Sacha suspects it's a case of a sense of humour bypass.' The Borat actor commented on the matter in the character of General Aladeen, saying: 'While I am a huge admirer of state-sponsored censorship, the BBC banning me from their meagre channels is an outrage. Why are they victimising little old me?' A BBC spokesman responded on the issue: 'Our chat shows thrive on the spontaneous banter between guests and the presenter, something you don't get when people come on as characters. We'd love to have Sacha on as himself.'

Coronation Street's Michelle Keegan has said that she suffered bruising after filming a fight as her character Tina McIntyre. Speaking to Inside Soap, Keegan revealed that the Rover's Return barmaid comes to blows with scheming lap dancing club owner Terry Duckworth (Nigel Pivaro). Following Terry's vicious attack, Tina is found by her boyfriend Tommy (Chris Fountain), who rushes her to hospital. Keegan commented on the violent scene: 'I wanted it to look as real as possible, so I really went for it. I had loads of bruises - especially because of the loan sharks. They were carrying me about, and I had hand marks all over me! I had to fall onto a crash mat, and they made a rubber floor that looked exactly the same as the tiled floor. So I had to fall down and whack my head on the fake floor. I was happy to get the chance to do my own stunts, as I'd never done anything like this before,' she added.

The BBC has commissioned a new version of Alexandre Dumas's The Three Musketeers. An adaptation of the 1938 Alfred Hitchcock film The Lady Vanishes, based on Ethel Lina White's novel, will also make up part of twenty hours of drama from BBC Productions. The Musketeers - intended as a returning series - has been written by Adrian Hodges (creator of Primeval, and author of My Week with Marilyn) and will run for ten sixty-minute episodes in 2014. The Lady Vanishes - a single ninety-minute drama - has been adapted by Fiona Seres and is expected to be broadcast on BBC1 this Christmas. Soldier Soldier creator Lucy Gannon has also been commissioned to write six-part drama Frankie for transmission in 2013. The BBC1 series will follows a district nurse - described as 'a heroine for the modern age' - who fights for her patients. 'These new BBC1 commissions from drama present a richly ambitious slate that will thrill, move and delight audiences,' said BBC1 controller Danny Cohen. BBC3 will also air a new supernatural drama set in the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse. In The Flesh has been written by newcomer Dominic Mitchell and will run for three ninety-minute episodes. 'This raft of new drama reflects the range and ambition of in-house,' said Ben Stephenson, Controller, BBC Drama Commissioning, 'A unique mix of classic and contemporary pieces have produced surprising and original scripts, from both new and established writers - all of which represents a thriving creative team.'

Outnumbered's Claire Skinner and Misfits actress Antonia Thomas are to star in new ITV drama Homefront. Clare Higgins (from The Syndicate) and Nicola Stephenson will also appear in the series, previously known as SWAGS. Thankfully, even ITV aren't as crass and ignorant to put out a series with that title. Homefront will follow the lives of four wives and girlfriends of soldiers serving in war-torn Afghanistan. Higgins will play Paula, a veteran army wife who is proud of her soldier son but does not see eye to eye with his young wife Tasha (played by Thomas). Stephenson will star as Louise, wife of soldier Joe - played by Luther's Warren Brown. A former Army nurse, Louise did not return to the front following the birth of her two daughters. Skinner is the show's fourth lead as Claire, an aspiring Officer's wife who is romantically involved with Major Peter Bartham (Greg Wise). 'Homefront is a unique and contemporary show highlighting the women and families left behind while their loved ones risk life and limb on the front line,' said producer Kim Crowther. 'Our fantastic ensemble cast, alongside lead director Terry McDonough, will deliver big emotional stories told through four compelling women.' The six-part drama - created by Sue Teddern (who also created Birds of a Feather for which we'll just have to try and forgive her) - will film on location in Manchester and Cheshire. Sounds like a cross between Solider, Solider and Prisoners' Wives. Might be quite good, then.

Sky Sports presenter Georgie Thompson has defended Sky's coverage of Formula 1 and downplayed a rivalry between Sky and the BBC when it comes to broadcasting the sport. Sky and the BBC have shared F1 rights for the first time ever this year and Thompson said that Sky's approach to the sport and dedicated F1 channel mean that racing fans are getting something they have never been able to see elsewhere. 'Beforehand there was a lot of negativity and it wasn't really very well founded. We needed to get on air to show what we were about and what we brought to the party,' Thompson told the Digital Spy website. 'There has never been a dedicated Formula 1 channel before now. And there is a market for us and the BBC. Some will watch one, some will watch the other. There may be some that watch both. There is a large enough market for us both to exist within it.' Speaking about the differences in style, she said: 'I present a show on Fridays called The F1 Show and that's something totally different. It previews and reviews the weekend and has a laidback magazine feel to it. You wouldn't get that on any other platform. We're offering something a little bit more of what you already have.'

Lauren Socha will not appear in the fourth series of Misfits, the production having dropped her ass like hot shit after her guilty verdict for racially-aggravated assault. A Channel Four spokesperson confirmed to the Digital Spy website that the twenty one-year-old actress will not be reprising her role as Kelly in future episodes of the E4 drama. 'A mutual decision was reached between Clerkenwell and Lauren earlier this year that she would not be returning for the fourth series,' it was announced in a statement. In some much as Clerkenwell told her never to come near their door again and Lauren agreed? That sort of 'mutual' agreement? 'Misfits has been in production for a number of weeks now and Lauren is not part of the line-up.' The spokesperson claimed that Socha's departure is not related to her recent conviction for racially-aggravated assault, adding: 'Clerkenwell Films and Lauren Socha agreed some time ago that along with other cast members, including Iwan Rheon and Antonia Thomas, she would not be returning for the fourth series of Misfits, which is currently in production. Channel Four supports both parties decisions.'

ABC Entertainment Group president Paul Lee has reportedly been approached about the BBC director general's post but intends to stay put, alleged 'sources' have allegedly claimed. It was reported by Variety on Wednesday evening that Lee, who became head of the network in July 2010, had been courted for a return to the corporation. However, sources have now told Deadline that Lee intends to stay put, claiming: 'He was approached because he is British, and so were others.' Because, of course, like the England football manager, the DG has to be English. Maybe, that was the problem. He was worried he was going to get the front page of the Sun taking the mickey out of the way he talks. Lee joined the BBC in 1984 from Brazilian national TV network Rede Globo, where he had worked as an assistant production manager. Having started his career as a reporter, he eventually moved into drama - producing or directing numerous programmes and winning BAFTA and BANFF awards in 1990 for a documentary on folk songwriter Woody Guthrie. He previously served as channel editor for BBC Prime and CEO of BBC America - launching the latter as founder in 1998 - and moved to ABC Family in 2004. Current BBC director general Mark Thompson has announced that he intends to step down in the autumn and headhunters Egon Zehnder have been appointed to help find his successor. The corporation has also advertised the director general's post publicly on the BBC Jobs website, saying that it is seeking 'an inspirational leader' who can 'thrive under legitimate and constant public and political scrutiny' and 'respond well to pressure.' I wonder if Roy Hodgson's got anything else on his plate at the moment? Not 'The People's Choice', though. Apparently.
Rupert Murdoch's global media empire is facing a challenge on a new front in the billowing phone-hacking scandal after a powerful US Senate committee opened direct contact with British investigators in an attempt to find out whether News Corporation has broken any American laws. Jay Rockefeller, chairman of the Senate committee on commerce, science and transportation, has written to Lord Justice Leveson, asking if he has uncovered any evidence relating to questionable practices in the US. 'I would like to know whether any of the evidence you are reviewing suggests that these unethical and sometimes illegal business practices occurred in the United States or involved US citizens,' Rockefeller writes in a letter released on Wednesday. The development adds to the potential dangers facing News Corp, a publicly-traded company with its headquarters in New York. Rockefeller has taken a close interest in the unfolding phone-hacking saga, but it is the first time that a Senate committee member has acted in his official capacity. Should the committee decide to press its case, it has considerable powers at its disposal. It could convene official Senate hearings into the scandal and subpoena witnesses and documents from News Corp – though as yet there is no discussion of doing so. The commerce committee covers all means of communications in the US – including telecommunications, free-to-air broadcasting and cable TV. It also has oversight over the Federal Communications Commission, the regulatory body that has final say on the issuing of broadcast licences, including the twenty seven licences issued to the FOX TV network that is the jewel in Murdoch's empire crown. The FCC, which has come under pressure this week from ethics watchdogs calling for action against News Corp, can revoke licences if it deems that the companies holding them are not properly run in the public interest. In his letter to Leveson, Rockefeller asks whether some of the more than five thousand potential victims of phone-hacking by the now-defunct, disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World may have been American. 'I am concerned about the possibility that some of these undisclosed victims are US citizens, and the possibility that telephone networks under the jurisdiction of US laws were used to intercept their voicemail messages,' he said, adding that he wants to know whether any News Corp business had 'used hacking, bribing, or other similar tactics when operating in the US.' In a scathing attack on the Murdoch company, Rockefeller writes: 'In a democratic society, members of the media have the freedom to aggressively probe their government's activities and expose wrongdoing. But, like all other citizens, they also have a duty to obey the law. Evidence that is already in the public record clearly shows that for many years, News International had a widespread, institutional disregard for these laws.' Rockefeller also asks for details emerging from the Leveson inquiry that indicated whether any News Corp executives based in New York were aware of illegal payments made by any involved in the Scum of the World to British police and other public officials. 'I would be very concerned if evidence emerged suggesting that News Corporation officials in New York were also aware of these illegal payments and did not act to stop them.' The senator does not name individuals. Rupert Murdoch and his son James Murdoch the small – who was until recently the chairman of News Corp's British newspaper division, News International – are based in the New York headquarters, as was Les Hinton, James Murdoch's predecessor, who was this week accused by the Commons culture committee of misleading parliament. Hinton resigned in July. Rockefeller's intervention was triggered by the final report of the British parliament's culture, media and sport select committee, which concluded that Murdoch was not fit to run a major international company. It comes two weeks after Mark Lewis, the British lawyer at the forefront of the phone-hacking investigations, opened investigations into four cases of alleged phone-hacking that occurred in the US. Lewis, who won three million smackers for the family of murdered teenager Milly Dowler from News International, said: 'There are so many American aspects to this, it is difficult to know where to begin. Whether it is about American victims of hacking, or the failure of a US company in respect of the corrupt practices of a foreign subsidiary, or the fact that material information was withheld from shareholders and potential investors: I suspect it is a race to find out which scandal lands first. It was only a matter of time before the US authorities realised the significance of what had been happening in the UK.' Lewis is set to launch six cases in the US with Norman Siegel, an American lawyer who has previously represented families of 11 September victims. He has not divulged who his clients are, but it is known one is the actress Koo Stark, who has been told by Metropolitan police detectives that she was targeted by the hacking operation run by the Scum of the World. On Wednesday, the News Corp board issued a statement backing Rupert Murdoch, saying its members had 'full confidence' in his 'fitness' and properness to run the company he built from a single newspaper in Adelaide. News Corporation said that it based its vote of confidence on 'Rupert Murdoch's vision and leadership' in building the company from its modest roots, 'his ongoing performance', and his 'demonstrated resolve to address the mistakes of the company identified in the select committee's report.'c Plus the fact that most of the News Corp board - unlikely everyone else in the world - still seems to be scared of the odious old billionaire tyrant. On the same day as the Senate commerce committee made its move, a second US senator, Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey, renewed his call for a US government investigation into whether News Corp broke anti-bribery and corruption laws. Lautenberg called for a robust inquiry into whether the company, by allegedly bribing public officials in Britain, had breached the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, which forbids American citizens or companies from 'engaging in acts of bribery abroad.'

Conservative MP Louise Mensch has hit out at 'immoral and misogynistic' Twitter users for subjecting her to abuse for her stance on Rupert Murdoch. The Commons media committee, on which she sits, passed a Labour amendment describing Murdoch as not fit to run a major international company - but Conservative members voted against it. Mensch's criticism of the charge prompted tweets calling her 'a whore.' She told the BBC that it was important to 'call bullies out.' This from a Tory MP, dear blog reader. Is that kettle black over there? The MP for Corby has publicised some of the abuse she had received on the social networking website, including one message that branded her 'a bitch' and another that read 'given half the chance, you'd strangle her.' Another Twitter user said they would 'love to hit Louise Mensch in the face with a hammer.' She was also called 'a slut' and likened to 'diarrhoea.' For what it's worth, this blogger believes totally in the concept of free, fair and open speech in a democratic society (so long, of course, as it's within the boundaries of the law as it currently stands) and also in the age-old truism 'if you can't take it don't give it out.' But, by the same token, I don't think that name-calling (outside of expressing an opinion on someone's general odiousness, worth or otherwise) or, especially, crass threats of violence are particularly big or clever. Or, indeed, in some cases of the latter, legal. That said, this blogger does still call upon the voters of Corby to remember exactly whom Ms Mensch's real friends appear to be when the next election comes around - that's called democracy, and a lot of good people have fought and died for it over the years. And, that's all I have to say on this matter. In an interview with BBC Radio 4's Today programme, old Bagashite, never short of putting herself forward in the media to voice her opinion on pretty much any subject (see, for instance, her regular appearances on Have I Got News For You) said: 'Abuse directed at women is always sexual or violent.' Not always, chuck, although the worst of it usually is. 'If somebody is considered attractive, it's a sexual and violent fantasy levelled against them. If someone is considered unattractive, it's personal remarks about their body.' She added: 'The stuff directed at me was not illegal, it was just immoral and misogynistic.' The website itself should not be held responsible for the abuse, she said: 'It's the fault of the users - they have to be responsible for their own words and what they say.' Cumbria Police chief constable Stuart Hyde, who has national responsibility with the Association of Chief Police Officers for e-crime, said: 'I have read the comments made about Louise and it is sexist bigotry at its worst.' Which isn't very nice but, to the best of this blogger's knowledge, sexist bigotry is not illegal. Some of the tweets were 'pretty horrendous' and could be illegal, he added. 'There is quite a bit of legislation available to us - the Communications Act 2003, the Malicious Communications Act back in 1988 talks about offences of communications with an intent to cause distress, anxiety or are grossly offensive. And clearly some of this is either in or very close to that border.' So, if that's the case then arrest those responsible and put it before a court of law so the individuals in question can defend themselves. You're a policeman, mate, do your job, not someone else's. Anyway ...

Well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks is to give evidence before the Leveson inquiry next Friday. Book your seats early for that one, dear blog reader.

A fifty seven-year-old ex-officer has been arrested by police investigating corrupt payments in relation to the phone-hacking scandal. The man was arrested at home in Surrey early on Thursday on suspicion of misconduct in a public office. His arrest as part of Operation Elveden was due to information provided by News Corporation's own management standards watchdog, the Metropolitan Police said. He is being questioned at a London police station and his home searched. He is the twenty seventh person to be held during Operation Elveden. The investigation is being supervised by the Independent Police Complaints Commission and is being run in conjunction with Operation Weeting, the Met's inquiry into the phone-hacking scandal. The Crown Prosecution Service last month was sent the first set of files from police relating to the inquiries. It is considering whether charges should be brought against four journalists, one police officer and six other people. News Corporation's Management and Standards Committee was established in the wake of the phone-hacking scandal that resulted in the decision to close of the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World in July 2011. On Wednesday, the company said the MSC had completed its review of its UK newspapers. It said it had found 'no evidence' of illegal conduct at The Times and The Sunday Times other than a single incident, which led to the disciplining of one employee. It gave no further details about its internal review into the Sun.

Some Play School presenters were 'stoned out of their minds' on air, it has been claimed. The iconic BBC children's television series ran from 1964 until 1988. Johnny Ball, an ex-presenter of the show, said: 'There was Rick Jones, Lionel Morton and myself. They got stoned on the biggest joint you've ever seen - in the studio. We were in silhouette as the three shepherds with our crooks. Lionel purposely held his crook so the crook didn't show. They were absolutely stoned out of their minds.' The seventy three-year-old, the father of Zoe Ball, added that he, personally, did not use drugs himself, saying: 'I couldn't work with it.' So, nice bit of grassing up on yer mates there, Johnny, you Copper's Nark. The Sun reports, with some glee, that drug use was also tolerated elsewhere in the BBC, with presenter Joan Bakewell saying of visiting pop acts: 'Of course they smoked and they didn't smoke ordinary cigarettes.' Sir David Attenborough, formerly a controller of BBC2, spoke about appealing to guests: 'Look, please, don't smoke that stuff openly so we can all smell it. Just be sensible.' BBC alumni also commented on sex at the BBC, with Katy Manning, who played Jo Grant on Doctor Who from 1971 until 1973, saying: 'People were bonking all over the BBC. Everybody was doing it on the premises.' Janet Fielding - who played the Doctor's companion Tegan between 1981 and 1984 - added: 'Nobody cared whether you had sex in your dressing room.' Well, I'm presuming the person you had sex with cared, somewhat. The BBC confessions will be screened in Tales of Television Centre on BBC4 on 17 May.

Robert Peston's appearance on the BBC Radio 5Live breakfast show on Thursday morning was interrupted by an unscheduled intervention by his wife, Sian. As the BBC's business editor was discussing the finer points of the credit crunch a muffled 'Bye!' could be heard in the background. Pestinfestation didn't respond so she naturally tried again. 'Byeeee!' This time he did respond, as did presenters Nicky Campbell and Rachel Burden. 'If everybody listened to her, certainly if I listened to her, I would be in a lot less of a pickle than I am at this particular moment,' said Pesto.

More than one hundred and twenty short films offering 'snapshots of the UK's cultural, sporting, industrial and political heritage' have been put online. The documentaries from the British Council's archive date back to 1939, when the Council commissioned the films to showcase Britain to the world. Topics included health care, the legal system, Shakespeare and how The Times was produced each day. The films are now available to download via the British Council's website. Largely shown at embassies, consulates and to students and schoolchildren around the world, the collection has been preserved in the BFI National Archive for the past thirty years. Highlights of the newly digitised documentaries include Man on the Beat, which 'shows the rigorous training necessary to become a police constable.' Life Cycle of the Onion uses time lapse photography to follow an onion from seed to leaf, to flower to harvest, and back to seed again. The Great Game follows teams to the 1945 Football League War Cup Finals at Wembley and Stamford Bridge, Moscow Chelski's home ground. City Bound, meanwhile, presents 'a patriotic look' at the daily commute into town faced by Londoners in 1941. The British Council said the collection represented a 'significant chapter in British documentary film history.' According to director of film Briony Hanson, it also gives 'a unique insight into how Britain wanted to portray itself internationally - a portrait which was probably quite far from the truth. With our self-image very much in the spotlight again this summer as the world watches the Olympics and the Jubilee, these films encourage us to ask timely questions about what it means to be British,' she continued. Some of the shorts feature work by those who went on to carve out successful careers in the industry, among them director Ken Annakin and the celebrated, award-winning cinematographer Jack Cardiff.

Harry Redknapp will go to the European Championship this summer after all – as a television pundit. That should keep the miserable old faceache happy, although it;s unlikely to do much for the blood pressures of his stream of odious brown-tongued cheerleaders in Fleet Street and at Sky Sports, of course. They won't rest until he's England manager. And King of the World. Probably. The Stottingtot Hotsphots manager, who was overlooked for the England manager's job after the Football Association decided to appoint Roy Hodgson instead, has accepted a role with the BBC. Redknapp will now offer an insight into the matches in Poland and Ukraine as part of the BBC team, which will be headed by Gary Lineker. Meanwhile, Redknapp feels his team are 'coming back strong' at the right time following their 4-1 victory at Bolton Wanders on Wednesday, a result that keeps them just ahead of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle on goal difference in the race for a top-four place and move them within a point of The Arse, who are in third. 'I don't remember having a rough time. I felt we had been playing well,' Redknapp said. 'It just went that way for us. We weren't playing badly, we hadn't lost our confidence. It has not been that drastic, but everyone has spells. You have got to keep at it. Everybody has bad spells during a season. Arsenal had an horrendous spell but came back strong. We have had a dicky spell, now we are coming back strong. That is what you have to do, you have to keep going.'

On 5 and 6 June this year, millions of people around the world will be able to see Venus pass across the face of the Sun in what will be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It will take Venus about six hours to complete its transit, appearing as a small black dot on the Sun's surface, in an event that will not happen again until 2117. In this month's Physics World, Jay M Pasachoff, an astronomer at Williams College, Massachusetts, explores the science behind Venus's transit and gives an account of its fascinating history. Transits of Venus occur only on the very rare occasions when Venus and Earth are in a line with the Sun. At other times Venus passes below or above the Sun because the two orbits are at a slight angle to each other. Transits occur in pairs separated by eight years, with the gap between pairs of transits alternating between one hundred and five and one hundred and twenty one years - the last transit was in 2004. Building on the original theories of Nicolaus Copernicus from 1543, scientists were able to predict and record the transits of both Mercury and Venus in the centuries that followed. Johannes Kepler successfully predicted that both planets would transit the Sun in 1631, part of which was verified with Mercury's transit of that year. But the first transit of Venus to actually be viewed was in 1639 - an event that had been predicted by the English astronomer Jeremiah Horrocks. He observed the transit in the village of Much Hoole in Lancashire - the only other person to see it being his correspondent, William Crabtree, in Manchester. Later, in 1716, Edmond Halley proposed using a transit of Venus to predict the precise distance between Earth and the Sun, known as the astronomical unit. As a result, hundreds of expeditions were sent all over the world to observe the 1761 and 1769 transits. A young James Cook took the Endeavour to the island of Tahiti, where he successfully observed the transit at a site that is still called Point Venus. Pasachoff expects the transit to confirm his team's theory about the phenomenon called 'the black-drop effect' - a strange, dark band linking Venus's silhouette with the sky outside the Sun that appears for about a minute starting just as Venus first enters the solar disk. Pasachoff and his colleagues will concentrate on observing Venus's atmosphere as it appears when Venus is only half onto the solar disk. He also believes that observations of the transit will help astronomers who are looking for extrasolar planets orbiting stars other than the Sun. 'Doing so verifies that the techniques for studying events on and around other stars hold true in our own backyard. In other words, by looking up close at transits in our solar system, we may be able to see subtle effects that can help exoplanet hunters explain what they are seeing when they view distant suns,' Pasachoff writes. Not content with viewing this year's transit from Earth, scientists in France will be using the Hubble Space Telescope to observe the effect of Venus's transit very slightly darkening the Moon. Pasachoff and colleagues even hope to use Hubble to watch Venus passing in front of the Sun as seen from Jupiter - an event that will take place on 20 September this year - and will be using NASA's Cassini spacecraft, which is orbiting Saturn, to see a transit of Venus from Saturn on 21 December. 'We are fortunate in that we are truly living in a golden period of planetary transits and it is one of which I hope astronomers can take full advantage,' he writes.

And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. This one's for Papiss Demba Cisse, and all of the Toon fans currently orbiting Venus. It's a long way back to Earth guys. Just, you know, remember we were twelfth last year and regard this season as one of some progress! Here's Ash.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Who's The Cat That Won't Cop Out When There's Danger All About?

Issue four hundred and forty seven of yer actual Doctor Who Magazine features a lengthy interview with The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He). In this, his very Moffster offers a few hints and teasers on series seven of the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama and beyond. Here's just a few highlights: Rory and Amy are no longer regular travellers with the Doctor: 'If he thinks he needs them, he just pops in on them,' says Moffat. But, 'each time they'll get a little older.' Moffat continues on the subject of killing off companions: 'Even if I don't think I'll do it ... maybe I will do it!' That means he won't. he's too nice. Moffat also ponders, 'If we did a UNIT story, would Martha be there?' The Special Weapons Dalek will 'definitely' appear in the new series opener. Moffat reiterates that the New Paradigm Daleks are 'an officer class.' Can the question 'Doctor Who?' be answered, he is asked? 'Wait and see' he replies, enigmatically. He also promises that we will find out exactly what The Trenzalore is all about. 'The Fall of the Eleventh' subplot (alluded to in A Good Man Goes To War and The Marriage of River Song) will also be resolved (although perhaps not in series seven). Moffat says that he is very keen the order of the episodes can be swapped around this year. There will, he assures us, still be a story-arc, but it will be 'the opposite' of series six (one guesses in terms of complexity and inner-connectedness). Even though he said there would be no more two-parters previously, they are still a possibility if the story requires them. Jenna-Louise's companion will be different to the others and is 'going to be a shock.' And, finally, filming will continue throughout the rest of 2012 and further into 2013 and beyond. Well, I don't know about you, dear blog reader, but that all sounds rather exciting to me.
The Kumars will make a TV return on Sky1 this autumn, it has been announced. The fictional Indian family will reform for a new run of their comedy chat show, which will see the Kumars downsize to a new flat in Hounslow as a result of the recession.
They originally appeared in The Kumars at Number Forty Two between 2001 and 2006 on BBC2 and later on BBC1, in a run totalling fifty three episodes. Stars Sanjeev Bhaskar, Meera Syal, Indira Joshi and Vincent Ebrahim have all reunited for the new show. Bhaskar commented: 'It's incredibly exciting to revisit these warm, oddball characters and to be given the opportunity to bring them up to date. We've tried to retain what viewers loved about the original show and to inject new characters and elements in a slightly new format that we hope will appeal to an even broader audience.'

That rarest of scheduling beasts, back-to-back primetime documentaries on ITV, began with more than four million punters for its look at the first year of the marriage of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on Tuesday evening. William and Kate: The First Year had 4.2m viewers between 8pm and 9pm. ITV's documentary however lost out to BBC1's popular medical drama Holby City, which had 5.1m viewers in the same slot. The royal documentary was followed on ITV by The Hunt for Bin Laden which was watched by 2.4m, between 9pm and 11pm. This also lost out to BBC1's 4.6 audience for Crimewatch between 9pm and 10pm, and 5.1m for the BBC News at 10pm. Elsewhere at 9pm, the last of BBC2's excellent Meet the Romans With Mary Beard was watched by 1.87m viewers, beating Channel Four's talent show, Hidden Talent, which was watched by 1.3m. Earlier, The Hairy Bikers' Bake-Ation came to the end of its eight-part run with a 2.7 million audience between 8pm and 9.00pm. The bikers had the beating of the last of the current ten-part run of Channel Four's Supersize vs Superskinny, (1.7m) and Channel Five's new genealogy series War Hero in My Family, featuring celebrities who trace the stories of family members during times of war (1.1m).
The second part of the Leveson inquiry, which was due to investigate the extent of crimes committed at News International and other media organisations, may not go ahead, Lord Justice Leveson has indicated. In a ruling posted on the Leveson website late on Tuesday night, the judge said such an inquiry 'will involve yet more enormous cost' to the public and participants and would be required to 'trawl over material then more years out of date.' The Leveson inquiry has until now been restricted from investigating the extent of crimes such as phone-hacking or police corruption because of the risk of prejudicing potential criminal trials. It was therefore intended a second inquiry would take place - possibly in a year or eighteen months - when all possible criminal trials were complete. Leveson said that he has 'not ruled out' a second inquiry, but has indicated his preference was to make the present inquiry as broad as possible to reduce the need for a second. 'Obviously, the more restrictive in its analysis that part one has been, the greater will be the legitimate public demand for part two,' he said. Leveson said that police inquiries were extensive and a potential part two would be 'delayed for very many months, if not longer. In those circumstances, it seems to me that it is in everyone's interests that part one goes as far as it possibly can. If the transparent way in which the inquiry has been conducted, the report and the response by government and the press (along with a new acceptable regulatory regime) addresses the public concern, at the conclusion of any trial or trials, consideration can be given by everyone to the value to be gained from a further inquiry into part two.' Alleged 'sources' allegedly say that Leveson has not abandoned the idea of a second inquiry but used the ruling to 'lay down a marker' that it needed to be discussed. Leveson's remarks were part of a ruling on the extent to which he can go with his conclusions and recommendations in his final report. Last month, barristers for the tabloid newspapers and the police had argued he should be restricted from naming newspapers.

MPs on the culture, media and sport select committee had six weeks to consider the statement that Rupert Murdoch was 'not fit' to run a major corporation before a final vote that left them split along party political lines, the Gruniad claims to have learned. A Conservative member on the committee, Louise Mensch, criticised Labour colleagues for inserting the incendiary sentence, saying the committee had 'not for one moment' discussed it before the final vote on Monday, the day before the report was published. But the Gruniad claims to have seen a copy of papers circulated to committee members on 20 March that first set out the amendment of Tom Watson (power to the people!), including the conclusion that Murdoch was 'not a fit and proper person to have the stewardship of a major international company.' Mensch and the Labour committee member Paul Farrelly have confirmed that the papers were discussed at a meeting of the committee on 27 March. When the MPs arrived at Watson's amendment, the committee chair, John Whittingdale, announced that it would be 'too controversial' to get a consensus agreement and should not be discussed until the final meeting on 30 April, when disputed amendments would be put to the vote. The version of the amendment MPs voted on at the final meeting was slightly different to that in the 20 March papers, but still included the key 'not fit' phrase. The vote split the committee, with the Conservatives refusing to support the final report. Something that, one trusts, the voters of Suffolk Coastal (Therese Coffey), Folkestone and Hythe (Damian Collins), Shipley (the odious Philip Davies), Corby (Mensch herself) and Maldon (John Whittingdale) will remember come the next general election. This rendered it 'partisan and essentially worthless', Mensch said on BBC2's Newsnight on Tuesday. Her comments were widely interpreted as a suggestion that the 'not fit' claim had been sprung on the committee at the last minute by Watson, a suggestion denied by fellow committee members. The amendment was 'certainly' discussed before the Monday meeting, Farrelly told BBC Radio 4's Today programme on Wednesday. The Liberal Democrat committee member, Adrian Sanders, whose vote with the five Labour members gave them a majority in favour of the 'not fit' amendment, rejected the suggestion that MPs had no prior warning of the amendment. 'The idea suddenly this was completely new – I'm afraid I don't go along with that,' he said. The subject was implicitly discussed throughout the committee's long inquiry, Sanders said: 'In a sense it ran through the whole inquiry – whether it was written down in those terms [or not].' Labour MPs on the culture committee also disclosed that they will not seek to amend the motion put to the Commons on the three News International executives found to have misled parliament. The decision means there will be no attempt to pass an amendment declaring either that Murdoch is not a fit and proper person to run a company, or that he has misled MPs. Discussions are underway on how the issue of misleading parliament will be handled by the Commons authorities, including whether the three former News International executives would be required to apologise in person. Any apology would imply guilt at a time when they may face criminal charges.

Former Scum of the World editor Colin Myler and ex-News International executive chairman Les Hinton have denied giving misleading evidence to MPs over phone-hacking. The Commons culture, media and sport select committee report found that Myler, Hinton and Scum of the World legal affairs manager Tom Crone had misled the MPs in their evidence given to the committee. The MPs said that Myler and Crone 'gave repeated assurances that there was no evidence that any further News of the World employees, beyond Clive Goodman, had been involved in phone-hacking.' 'This was not true and, as further evidence disclosed to us by the newspaper's solicitors Farrer & Co now shows, they would have known this was untrue when they made those statements,' said the report. 'Both Tom Crone and Colin Myler deliberately avoided disclosing crucial information to the Committee and, when asked to do, answered questions falsely.' But Myler, who is now editor of the New York Daily News, said in a statement today: 'While I respect the work that the select committee has carried out, I stand by the evidence that I gave the committee. I have always sought to be accurate and consistent in what I have said to the committee. The conclusions of the committee have, perhaps inevitably, been affected by the fragmented picture which has emerged from the various witnesses over successive appearances and by the constraints within which the committee had to conduct its procedure. These issues remain the subject of a police investigation and the Leveson judicial inquiry and I have every confidence that they will establish the truth in the fullness of time.' The most stinging criticism in the report was reserved for Hinton, who acted as executive chairman of News International, parent company to the Scum of the World, from 1995 to 2007, when he was succeeded by James Murdoch. Hinton was criticised for giving misleading statements to the culture committee over payments made to Clive Goodman, the former royal editor at the Sunday tabloid, who was jailed for phone hacking in 2007. However, Hinton - who resigned from Rupert Murdoch's Dow Jones Company in July 2011 - said that allegations he was complicit in a phone-hacking cover-up were 'unfounded, unfair and erroneous. I have always been truthful in my dealings with the committee' said Hinton in a statement. 'I am shocked and disappointed by the culture, media and sport select committee's allegations that I have misled Parliament. I will be writing to John Whittingdale, the chair of the committee, to object formally.' In compiling the report, the cross-party committee of MPs disagreed over the inclusion of a statement that Rupert Murdoch was 'not fit' to run an international company due to his 'wilful blindness' of employee malpractice. Despite opposition from Tory members, the report said that 'at all relevant times Rupert Murdoch did not take steps to become fully informed about phone hacking, he turned a blind eye and exhibited wilful blindness to what was going on in his companies and publications.' It continued: 'This culture, we consider, permeated from the top throughout the organisation and speaks volumes about the lack of effective corporate governance at News Corporation and News International. We conclude, therefore, that Rupert Murdoch is not a fit person to exercise the stewardship of a major international company.' As the Tory MPs refused to endorse the report, it will remain 'partisan' and not be recommended to the House. However, media regulator Ofcom said that it will "consider the report" in its investigation of whether Murdoch and News Corp are 'fit and proper' to own thirty nine per cent of pay-TV giant Sky. Or, indeed, fit and proper to run a piss-up in a brewery. In a statement, News Corp said: 'News Corporation is carefully reviewing the Select Committee's report and will respond shortly. "The company fully acknowledges significant wrongdoing at News of the World and apologises to everyone whose privacy was invaded.'

Ofcom, meanwhile, is intent on not being 'rushed into a knee-jerk reaction' on the review of Sky's broadcasting licence, according to the BBC. Ofcom could revoke Sky's UK broadcasting licence if finds sufficient cause for concern, effectively putting pressure on News Corp to sell the stake. The watchdog has said that it will 'consider' the damning report issued by the culture committee. News Corp has branded claims in the culture committee report as 'unjustified and partisan.'In a statement released on Wednesday alongside its financial results, Sky insisted that it is a 'fit and proper' holder of a broadcasting licence and that it is engaging with Ofcom in the review. The pay-TV giant also pointed to its 'positive contribution to UK audiences, employment and the broader economy, as well as its strong record of regulatory compliance and high standards of governance.' And to hacking the phones of murdered schoolgirls, of course. Shouldn't forget that. The Liberal Democrats wrote to Ofcom yesterday calling on the regulator to 'speed up' its review of the Sky licence following the culture committee's report. However, the BBC has learned that Ofcom is willing to take 'as long as it takes' in the review, as it wants to be 'fully appraised' of the situation. It may be that Ofcom will wait until it has assessed the report by Lord Justice Leveson in his inquiry into press standards and ethics later in the year. But the regulator has already said that it will not wait for the conclusion of any criminal proceedings in the hacking affair before releasing its judgment.

Fresh details of how News International apparently sought goodwill by dangling two offers of sponsorship in front of the London mayor, Boris Johnson, are contained in evidence published by the Leveson inquiry. Rupert Murdoch has admitted in his Leveson testimony that executives at the company were at the time - throughout 2010 - attempting to cover-up the truth about phone-hacking at the Scum of the World. In September 2010, Johnson publicly attacked the hacking disclosures, calling them 'party political codswallop,' a statement which has subsequently proved very uncomfortable for the mayor. Documents subsequently revealed that News International was at the time offering him two million smackers towards an academy school in London and talking of donating millions more to sponsor another Johnson project, a cable car crossing the river Thames. At the end of 2010, according to e-mails published by Leveson, the NI executive Will Lewis asked colleagues: 'Where are we with the schools project, particularly Boris securing the land and Michael Gove [the education secretary] the capital investment?' An internal meeting on the subject was arranged at the company's Wapping HQ with James Murdoch the small. Lewis also discussed the cable car sponsorship with colleagues. He wrote on 11 January 2011: 'Re cable cars: Transport for London have submitted their original planning application and are awaiting the results next month. Once granted, we can hopefully jump in – if we want to.' Both offers were, however, dropped shortly afterwards. Police reopened a criminal investigation into phone-hacking, and the Scum of the World's former editor Andy Coulson was forced to resign as the prime minister's press secretary. 'In the end, I'm afraid News International didn't produce a sausage,' the mayor told the radio presenter Nick Ferrari on LBC this week. In September 2010, when the New York Times published a lengthy investigation confirming allegations of phone-hacking originally made by the Gruniad Morning Star, the mayor leaped to NI's defence. In words that subsequently proved highly embarrassing, Johnson told the London assembly the hacking disclosures were 'a load of codswallop cooked up by the Labour party' and spent several minutes licking News International's collective arsehole for good measure. He did not mention at the time that he was, at that moment, in commercial talks with NI to obtain sponsorship for two prestige projects. When he was challenged at a press conference the following July, after the assistant commissioner at Scotland Yard, Champagne John Yates, had been forced to resign over the hacking scandal, Johnson said: 'Okay, I misunderstood the severity of the allegations but that was actually because no one had briefed me.' So, it wasn't Boris's fault, it was everyone else's. He added: 'I had a very, very clear briefing from the police, from John [Yates] that there was nothing new in these allegations.' Johnson's sponsorship dealings with NI began in June 2010, shortly after David Cameron became prime minister, when, according to the e-mails released alongside Rupert Murdoch's testimony to the Leveson inquiry, he held a meeting with well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Rebekah Brooks, then the NI chief executive. They discussed the prospects of NI putting up two million knicker to become the 'lead sponsor' of what was to be called the 'News Academy' in East London. Brooks was, apparently, 'enthusiastic' and Johnson referred her to the London Development Agency, which offered a site in the former Royal Docks and introduced her to Newham council. At the same time, Johnson was looking for up to thirty six million quid in commercial sponsorship for a cable-car crossing of the river in Docklands in time for the Olympics, which could carry News International branding. On 4 July he announced: 'The aim is to fund the construction of the scheme entirely from private finance and discussions are ongoing with a number of private sector organisations that have expressed interest in the project.' On 4 September, a few days before the New York Times hacking revelations, the e-mails disclose that Johnson was 'actively working on the academy scheme', and met Gove to try to persuade him to release enough Whitehall cash for a new school building. Johnson's lobbying appeared to reach its height on 30 November, in East London, when he met James Murdoch the small, accompanied by well-known Crystal Tipps lookalike Brooks and the editor of The Times, James Harding, as well as Gove himself. According to his hospitality register, after an inspection of a potential academy site alongside the Royal Docks, the party adjourned to the new Forman's smoked salmon restaurant at the Olympic Park and a Transport for London official made a presentation about the cable-car scheme. Johnson's hopes for money from the Murdochs came to nothing. The academy was never built, with NI blaming its pullout on the failure of Gove's department to provide the bulk of the capital required for a new school building. Emirates airline did eventually offer to sponsor part of the cost of the cable car. In the run-up to the mayoral elections, Johnson lost his temper when challenged by BBC London's political editor, Tim Donovan. He said on-air that such questions about his dealings with NI were 'fucking bollocks.' He subsequently defended his actions, saying: 'In difficult economic circumstances my job is to get investment for London.' In an interview with the Gruniad in March, Johnson said the 'implosion of [Rupert] Murdoch's power has been the single biggest political event of the past three years', but added: 'I don't regard him as quite the satanic influence that some do and if you look at the newspaper industry he did a great deal to set it free, and that is a point you don't often hear these days.'

Misfits star Lauren Socha has admitted racially aggravated assault at the start of her court case in Derby. The BAFTA-winning actress had originally denied the charge but changed her plea at the beginning of her trial. The twenty one-year-old was accused of assaulting taxi driver Sakandar Iqbal last year. She has been sentenced to a four month jail term, suspended for one year. She was also told she must carry out eighty hours of community service, pay compensation to her victim and court costs. A spokeswoman for Derbyshire Police said the assault took place in Derby city centre last October. Socha, from Littleover in Derby, won the best supporting actress award at the BAFTAs in 2010 for her role as Kelly in Misfits.

Ofcom has reportedly received almost two hundred complaints from animal lovers allegedly 'outraged' at Keith Lemon offering a puppy as a prize in a competition on ITV's LemonAid last weekend. The media regulator received one hundred and seventy six complaints from members of the public who believe Lemon, the not-particularly-funny alter-ego of the comedian Leigh Francis, and ITV should not have offered up the animal – which was won by a young girl – as a prize in the show aired Saturday 28 April. Ofcom is assessing the complaints to see if there is any reason to launch a full investigation into whether the competition is in breach of the broadcasting code. British viewers tend to be sensitive to the point of stupidness concerning the portrayal of animals on TV. John Lewis re-edited its Christmas TV advert in 2010, removing the image of a young boy going out into the snow to give his dog a stocking. Angry viewers - seemingly with nothing better to do with their time - made one hundred and forty five complaints to the advertising watchdog and a Facebook protest page was launched to force the retailer to remove the scene because they believed it sent 'the wrong message' about how to treat a dog. Last year the Advertising Standards Authority received more than one thousand complaints about a Paddy Power advert that featured a blind footballer seeming to kick a cat into a tree, making it the third most complained about TV advert of all time. The ASA subsequently cleared the advert of - ludicrous - accusations that it 'encouraged animal cruelty' after ruling that the cat was 'clearly and deliberately shown to be unharmed' at the end of the advert. Albeit, up a tree. A VW advert in 2008 featured a dog trained to shiver. UK viewers were outraged and seven hundred and forty three complained to the advertising watchdog. With regard to both this and the following story, dear blog reader, let us, once again, simply marvel at the absolutely shite some people chose to care about.

Virgin Holidays has said that it is 'exploring potential legal action' against BBC1's The Voice over alleged copyright infringement in the show's V-Room area. Introduced in episodes of The Voice broadcast last weekend, the V-Room is described as a 'bright red nerve-centre of Internet chatter', in which presenter Reggie Yates discusses social media activity around the hit talent show. However, Virgin Holidays has operated 'v-room' branded lounges at Gatwick and Manchester airports for the past four years. 'These lounges are exclusively for the use of Virgin Holidays customers and are designed to give them a spacious and well-appointed area with a free buffet, a gaming zone for the kids, a space for infants and a bar for the adults, in which to relax with their families prior to catching their flight,' said the company. 'They are extremely popular with our customers. We are the only holiday company in the UK to offer this service, and the v-room concept is an integral element of our Rockstar Service offering.' Virgin Holidays said that it is concerned that the BBC may have infringed its copyright with the V-Room branding, and the company is therefore exploring potential legal action. 'In the light of this, and the confusion this is causing our customers who are questioning the motives of the BBC in online conversations because they are unsure which property is which,' commented the travel operator. Virgin Holidays is currently exploring whether the use of the term in The Voice represents a copyright infringement and if it is proven to be so, will consider 'appropriate legal action.' Andm of course, none of this has anything whatsoever to the BBC recently forcing Virgin to scrap an advert they'd done with David Tennant which alluded to Doctor Who over copywrite infringement. Oh no. Very hot water.

Any Venn diagram featuring viewers of ITV's risible, calamitous breakfast flop Daybreak and readers of chap's mag FHM may have a larger overlap than we first thought. From The North only mentions this after the ill-fated breakfast programme's sacked former presenter the curiously orange Christine Bleakley jumped thirty five places in this year's list of One Hundred Sexiest Women list to fifty eight – one is aware that this doesn't bear too much forensic analysis – while Horrible Kate Garraway was a new entry at ninety seven. Slightly unnecessarily, the mag points out that Garraway 'at the age of forty four is the most senior entry this year.' And, old enough to be most reader's mother. Probably.

Kelly Rowland has reportedly told friends that she feels 'stitched-up' after executives for The X Factor said that they did not want to bring her back as a judge this year. X Factor 'insiders' allegedly claim that despite the singer's announcement that she was quitting the show, they were keen on signing former judge Dannii Minogue for the next series instead. Previous reports suggested that producers withdrew their offer for Rowland to return after the star allegedly demanded one and a half million smackers to return to the programme. 'Sources' allegedly close to Rowland allegedly told the Mirra that the singer maintains it was her decision 'not to sign' a contract to return as judge on the ITV reality singing competition. 'She has e-mails going back months showing discussions, so it is stupid of them to say they didn't want her or she was being greedy,' one alleged 'insider' allegedly claimed. 'Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads has gone on record saying he wanted Kelly back. She loved doing the show so feels a bit let down. She feels stitched up now and it just looks like they are panicking because they don't have a judge.'
Twatting About on Ice producers are contemplating 'a complete overhaul' of the show's judging panel, according to tabloid reports. Louie Spence, Katarina Witt and Robin Cousins's jobs are all said to be 'at risk' following a drop in ratings during the latest series, reports the Sun. Spence and Witt were brought in as replacements for Emma Bunton and Jason Gardiner at the start of the series, but the duo failed to generate headlines or much viewer support. New host the curiously orange Christine Bleakley was also heavily criticised by many viewers. The ice-skating reality show has typically topped Sunday night ratings in January for ITV for several years, but it lost out due to the huge success of new BBC drama Call The Midwife. An alleged 'source' allegedly told the Sun: 'Dancing On Ice was so boring this year - and it didn't escape the notice of the top brass. We're going back to the drawing board in a bid to inject some life into the show. We're looking at everything - the judges, the stars on the show, everything is up for discussion.' Producers are also apparently considering switching the series from Sunday nights to Saturday nights in 2013.

Jo Joyner has become the latest EastEnders actress announce she will be taking a break from the BBC1 soap. The actress, who plays Tanya Branning, has asked producers for a break in 2013. Joyner wants to leave the soap, when her current contract runs out, to spend more time with her family. The Daily Lies reports that Joyner has told friends her recent storylines have been 'full on' and allegedly told an alleged 'friend': 'The rest of this year is going to be even more dramatic, because the Brannings have got some amazing stuff coming up.' An EastEnders spokesperson is quoted by the Digital Spy website confirming Joyner's temporary exit saying '[she] will be taking a break from filming in 2013 but will definitely return.' The news comes just a day after it was revealed that June Brown will be taking a six month break from EastEnders as well reportedly to write her memoirs. Fellow EastEnders actresses Charlie Brooks, Lindsay Coulson and Patsy Palmer are also taking breaks from the soap with all three expected to return by the end of the year. Jessie Wallace also recently took a three month break but recently returned to the set for filming.

Hollyoaks actress Bronagh Waugh has joined the cast of a new BBC drama. The actress, who portrays Cheryl Brady in the teen soap, will play the wife of a serial killer in upcoming BBC2 thriller The Fall. Waugh said that she will not need to take a break from Hollyoaks to film the five-part piece. She explained: 'I am so thrilled and honoured to have been given this opportunity by the BBC. It is such a challenging and demanding role that I feel will really stretch me and explore my range. Allan Cubitt's script is the kind that actors can only dream of and to be involved with such an esteemed cast and creative team is a definite career high for me. I'm so lucky to have such an understanding boss at Hollyoaks. Emma Smithwick, our executive producer, was so supportive and did everything in her power to enable me to do both. She knew what an amazing opportunity it was for me. It's been tough - working seven days a week and flying back and forth between Belfast and Liverpool - but I absolutely love it!' Playing Sally-Ann Spector in The Fall, Waugh will appear alongside X Files legend Gillian Anderson, who stars as murder investigator DSI Gibson. Hollyoaks co-star Gerard McCarthy had signed up for the show in March. Once Upon a Time's Jamie Dornan and Séainín Brennan have also been recently announced for the cast.

MI6 officer Gareth Williams was 'on the balance of probabilities' unlawfully killed, coroner Fiona Wilcox has said. In a narrative verdict, she said that it was unlikely he got into the bag his body was found in by himself, but doubted his death would ever be explained. The thirty one-year-old code-breaker from Anglesey was found at his central London flat in August 2010. Police say the investigation remains open and officers would be re-examining the evidence gathered. The naked body of Williams was found padlocked inside a red sports holdall in the bath of his home. Deputy Assistant Commissioner Martin Hewitt said: 'We are already undertaking actions in order to develop existing DNA profiles, to trace unidentified individuals who may have information about Gareth's death and to further develop analysis of telephone communications.' Speaking outside Westminster Coroner's Court after the inquest, Detective Chief Inspector Jackie Sebire, who is leading the inquiry, said Scotland Yard 'will now refocus and actively pursue all the evidence heard and all the new lines of inquiry. His naked body was found in the most suspicious of circumstances. It's highly likely that a third party was involved in Gareth's death and I urge anyone who knows Gareth and who had contact with him to search their conscience and come forward with any information.' Family solicitor Robyn Williams said their 'grief is exacerbated by the failure of his employers to take even the most basic inquiries about his whereabouts and welfare.' By the time police were alerted to the code-breaker's disappearance on 23 August 2010, he had not been at work for a week and there was extensive decomposition of his body. MI6 chief Sir John Sawers apologised 'unreservedly' to Williams' family for its 'failure to act more swiftly. The lessons have been learned, in particular the responsibility of all staff to report unaccounted staff absences,' he said in a statement. Responding to the family's criticism an MI6 spokesman said: 'We fully co-operated with the police and will continue to do so during the on-going investigation. We gave all the evidence to the police when they wanted it. At no time did we withhold any evidence.' In her summing up, the coroner said: 'Most of the fundamental questions in relation to how Gareth died remain unanswered.' But, she said, she was 'satisfied ... that a third party moved the bag containing Gareth into the bath' where his body was found. 'The cause of his death was unnatural and likely to have been criminally mediated,' she added. 'I am therefore satisfied that on the balance of probabilities that Gareth was killed unlawfully.' The coroner also criticised the Met's SO15 counter-terror branch for the way it handled Williams' work phone and other exhibits. She said the evidence of his line manager on why the absence was not reported sooner 'begins to stretch bounds of credibility.' Williams' sister revealed to the inquest that Williams was unhappy living in London and had complained to family of 'friction' at the intelligence agency. And his family have said they believe he may have been killed by an agent 'specialising in the dark arts of the secret services.' Dr Wilcox said that while there was no evidence to suggest he died at the hands of MI6 'it is still a legitimate line of inquiry.' She said 'it would appear that many agencies fell short.' During the investigation Scotland Yard were not able to speak to Williams' MI6 colleagues directly. The coroner also identified breakdowns in communication by her own office in ordering a second post-mortem examination, a DNA mix-up by forensics and the late submission of evidence by MI6 to police. But she added that 'taking all these shortfalls together, I am satisfied that the evidence is reliable.' Dr Wilcox said the 'highly unusual circumstances' of Williams' death had immediately raised the possibility of foul play however, which had prompted 'endless speculation.' On Williams' accessing of bondage websites, she said: 'Clearly experimenting with bondage would involve danger.' But the coroner ruled his possible interest in bondage and drag queens did not have any direct bearing on his death, and she questioned whether leaks about his private life to the press 'was an attempt by some third party to manipulate the evidence.' Dr Wilcox said no indication of a suicidal intent had been presented. Bag experts have said even Harry Houdini would have struggled to lock himself in the bag. Dr Wilcox said it was 'extremely unlikely' that Williams found a technique to lock and get out of the bag himself, but she could not rule it out. She suggested if Williams had locked himself into the bag he would have taken a knife with him, as he was a 'risk assessor.' The lack of hand and footprints in the bathroom of his Pimlico flat was 'significant', Dr Wilcox added. 'If Gareth had been carrying out some kind of peculiar experiment, he wouldn't care if he left any foot or fingerprints.' The inquest heard from three pathologists who had conducted post-mortem examinations on Williams and who had been unable to reach a firm conclusion on cause of death. But they say poisoning and asphyxiation are the most likely reasons. Dr Wilcox said that she decided to deliver a 'narrative' verdict as an open verdict would not do justice to the case. A narrative verdict has been an option for coroners in England and Wales since 2004 and is where the circumstances of a death are recorded without attributing the cause to a named individual.

A man who rode on a BMW motorcycle two years ago is suing them for having an erection ever since. Some people have to pay good money for that sort of thing. Anyway, after a four-hour ride with a 'ridge-like' seat, Henry Wolf's condition began. Orange News reports that Wolf is holding BMW and the motorcycle seat maker Corbin-Pacific accountable for 'emotional distress' and 'medical expenses'. The Californian has claimed that his situation is due to 'an extreme case of priapism.' Priapism, or the state of having a exceptionally long-lasting erection, usually only occurs for several hours. Wolf's lawsuit states that he is 'now is unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish.'

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though still unsellable) Newcastle United moved to within one point of third-placed Arsenal with a remarkable 2-0 win over Moscow Chelski FC. Papiss Demba Cissé opened the scoring at yer actual Torpedo Stamford Bridge on Wednesday night by rifling a stunning left-footed volley into the top corner midway through the first half. That goal was a proper corker but the Senegalese striker's second, and thirteenth in twelve games, shortly before the end was one of the goals of the season - curling from the left flank with the outside of his boot over the helpless frame of Petr Cech and his comedy hat. For Alan Pardew, it was not only a welcome response to The Magpies shockingly poor 4-0 loss at Wigan Not-Very-Athletic on Saturday but also his first win in London since arriving on Tyneside in December 2010. The injured Danny Simpson, who had previously not missed a single Magpies match this season, was replaced with the adaptable utility man James Perch in the only change to Alan Pardew's side. The game began with Moscow Chelski on the front foot, struttin' around like the cockney chancers they are dahn the market on a Sunday, duckin' and divin', lah-v-leee. Fernando Torres was looking confident after his hat-trick against Queen's Park Strangers Gilrs XI on Sunday, and crossed intricately for Daniel Sturridge after ten minutes who scuffed the strike on his favoured foot. The Magpies fought their way back into the match, however, and went ahead on nineteen minutes. Left-back Davide Santon received the ball from Jonás Gutiérrez and cut inside from the wing before passing to Cissé on the edge of the Moscow Chelski area. Cissé chipped the ball up with his first touch then sweetly struck home with his second (with his, supposedly, 'weaker' left foot). The Blues were subdued in their response but, with nine minutes left before the break, they burst into action. Florent Malouda skimmed a header across Tim Krul's goalmouth from a Torres cross and then, a minute later, Branislav Ivanovic nodded over from a corner. At the other end, Demba Ba would have ended his barren spell if not for Cech's stretched save with a minute until half-time. The Newcastle striker then thundered an attempt off the crossbar from a subsequent corner. Bringing on Juan Mata for Sturridge was Roberto Di Matteo's solution to the one-goal deficit, and the Spanish substitute whipped in a couple of free-kicks from the flanks but the threat on Krul's goal remained minimal. Cheick Tioté took a heavy blow to the head on the halfway line in an aerial challenge with Jon Obi Mikel (in which Mikel appeared to lead with his elbow) and had to be stretchered off with an oxygen mask after several minutes of treatment on the pitch. (Pardew confirmed after the game that he should be fit for Sunday's clash, calling  Tioté 'a warrior'.) Moscow Chelski veterans Didier Drogba and Frank Lampard came on after Tioté's nasty injury as Di Matteo chased an equaliser (both to ludicrously arse-licking build ups from the Sky Sports commentary team, it should be noted). Drogba had his first crack on goal from a thirty five-yard free-kick which nearly knocked Krul off his feet as the Dutch keeper caught it on seventy six minutes. Lampard had his turn with nine minutes left of normal time but the experienced midfielder skewed wide. The hosts continued to flood forward and John Terry thought he had scored from one of several corners being poured into the visiting box, but Santon cleared off the line. Ten minutes of stoppage time were signalled because of the Tioté injury, and the home side were the team in the ascendancy. However, Cissé's extraordinary second goal from absolutely nowhere four minutes into added time silenced any Moscow Chelski comeback and, frankly, shut the cockney chancers in the crowd right up and sent them scurrying for the exits and their jellied eels and pints of weak lager with a lemonade top. Pfft. Girls drink. Anyway, Newcastle's ten million quid January signing took the breath away from most of the stadium with an outrageous shot from thirty yards on the left wing after a nod dwon from Shola Ameobi, ensuring he gave the Tyneside club their first league triumph at the West London ground since 1986. United remain in fourth place in the Premiership after Notlob's capitulation and surrender at home to The Stottingtot Hotshots. Happy Harry's lads won 4-1, which will, presumably, have put a bit of smile on his miserable mush after 'The People's Choice' was overlooked in favour of the - massively more qualified - Roy Hodgson for the England job. Much to the gurning and gnashing of teeth of many of Redknapp's odious, sycophantic brown-tongued cheerleaders in Fleet Street and at Sky Sports. Newcastle's next match is against Championship-chasing Sheikh Yer Man City FC on Sunday at St James' Park. Moscow Chelski FC, meanwhile, have a date at Wembley on Saturday against The Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws in the Russian FA Cup.
The Football Association have, apparently contacted the Sun and - rightly - protested at that paper's front page on Tuesday mocking Roy Hodgson's speech impediment is 'unacceptable'. Like I say, quite right too. Although it's probably worth asking where was the FA and their sense of 'unacceptability', on 19 April 1989? Just wondering. This week's casually offensive excuse for a story in the Sun has led to more than one hundred complaints to the Press Complaints Commission. News International has not made any comment. Probably too busy working out if they can pin it on a single 'rogue' reporter and then stick to that story for four years. A spokesman for the Press Complaints Commission said: 'I can confirm we have had over a hundred complaints.' The FA said it had also received a 'large number of objections' to the story about the current West Bromwich Albino manager. FA chairman David Bernstein said: 'We are delighted at the media response to Roy's appointment but are disappointed with the headline in the Sun, which we consider is in poor taste and disrespectful.' The game's governing body will not be making an official complaint to the PCC but said it had raised the issue with the newspaper and 'made it clear' the organisation found the front page unacceptable. Justice for the Ninety Six.
US soul and blues guitarist Charles Skip Pitts has died in a Memphis hospital at the age of sixty five. The musician was best known for his distinctive 'wah-wah' guitar pedal sound, memorably featured on Issac Hayes' theme for the 1971 film Shaft. Skip joined Hayes' band in 1970 and remained a member until Hayes' death in 2008. The Stax Museum of American Soul Music said that the musician died on Tuesday and had been suffering from lung cancer. Born in Washington DC, Pitts learned to play guitar when he was eleven years old, picking up tips from neighbour and fellow musician Bo Diddley. By the age of seventeen he performed on Gene Chandler's Rainbow '65 and went on to play with The Isley Brothers (replacing Jimi Hendrix), Sam and Dave and Wilson Pickett. It was his move to Memphis and his near forty-year collaboration with Hayes that earned him his fame. Later in his career, Pitts made appearances in films including Samuel L Jackson movies Black Snake Moan and Soul Men, to which he also contributed to the soundtrack. He also performed on the score for 2005 film Hustle and Flow. Most recently he worked as a session musician for Stax Records and appeared on The Reverend Al Green's I Can't Stop and Cyndi Lauper's Memphis Blues, both of which were nominated for Grammy awards. He also released a CD last autumn, entitled Got to Get Back!, with his band The Bo-Keys. Scott Bomar, his Bo-Keys bandmate, told Memphis website The Commercial Appeal that Skip's style was 'very unique. He took a little bit of the Bo Diddley rhythm, the Northern soul of Curtis Mayfield and the Memphis sound of Steve Cropper and Reggie Young and somehow came up with his own thing, a style that no one had.'

Which very sad news brings us to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. So, this one's for Skip. Here's the hot buttered soul of The Black Moses his very self. And Jesse Jackson with a sensational afro. Rite! On!