Right nice y'are, dearest bloggerisationism fiends and welcome all to the latest From The North update, a mere but four weeks after the last one was published. What can this blogger say in his own defence for this apparent lack-of-activity on the bloggerisationism front? How about 'don't blame me, I'm not a well man'? Yes, that sounds like an acceptable excuse for the lack of any bloggerisationism updates since the early days of April. Anyway, let us kick-off big-style this latest From The North with a sagacious word or several from one of our regular sponsors.
Yes, just in case you're the one person on the planet that hadn't heard the good news, dear bloggerisationism fiends, From The North favourite Doctor Who is about to be back on our tellybox screens. This blogger thinks that this state of affairs is a jolly good thing. Others - the scum of humanity, basically - may disagree of course. It is, after all, a free country. But, they're just humourless smears on the underpants of life and they can all go and fek themselves, frankly.
You may have spotted the BBC's somewhat soft-sell publicity campaign promotion of the forthcoming new series. It's been cropping up in all manner of unusual places. On The Tube, for instance.
In waxworks.
On sofas.
And also on chairs.
On The Naughty Step.
In The Smoke.
And in The Big Apple, it has certainly been a busy time for Nucti and Millie over these last few days. The pair of them must be fair knackered after all that.
A reminder, therefore, to everyone that wasn't previously aware. The next, fourteenth (or, possibly, 'first') series of Doctor Who will arrive on either 10th or 11th May depending on where you are in the world at the given moment; in that the first two episodes - Space Babies and The Devil's Chord - will be downloaded (this blogger refuses, absolutely, to use the word 'drop' as it sounds like someone taking a really nasty dump of diarrhoea into the netty) worldwide at exactly the same time - from 1pm on the Friday afternoon if you happen to be living in American Samoa, Jarvis Island, Kingman Reef, Midway Atoll, Niue or Palmyra Atoll and have access to a TV (and, if you don't, the trick is to bang rocks together) to 12 noon on Saturday if you're in Kiribati (and, if you are, congratulations, it looks like paradise). In-between those extremes, the episodes will hit America on Friday at 2pm (Hawaii), 3pm (Alaska), 4pm (West Coast), 5pm (Mountain Time), 6pm (Central) and 7pm (East Coast) whilst arriving, simultaneously, in the UK on BBC iPlayer at Midnight. Something which has, apparently, pissed off a number of brain-dribbling numbskull glakes who don't, seemingly, understand how time zones work and fail to see why the US should 'get it first.' If you're in Australia, you'll be getting it with your breakfast from 8am on Saturday. This blogger could go through every territory in the world ... but, he can't be bothered - go here and work out what time(s) you'll be getting it for yourselves, dearest bloggerisationism fiends. Additionally, the BBC have also announced that both of the first two episodes will be broadcast on BBC1 on Saturday 11 May, Space Babies at 6.20pm and The Devil's Chord immediately afterwards at 7.05pm. Specifically so that you can say to everyone who whinged 'why can't they just show in one BBC1 at seven o'clock like the used to?', 'they are!' Hands up, also, anyone who - like this blogger - has seen at least one Facebook comment from some plank of no importance whinging 'oh, they're only forty five minutes.' Doctor Who fans, dear bloggerisationism fiends - give 'em a reason to celebrate and some of them will manage to turn it into an opportunity for a right good whinge. There must be a 'y' in the day.
The Devil's Chord, incidentally, is the episode featuring Them Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them). Though, is it just this blogger or does James Hoyles look rather more like Mo Tucker than Ringo Starr? One for consideration if they do The Devil's Chord II: New York 66 next series, perhaps. It could be worse, of course; this blogger once saw footage of a Japanese Be-Atles tribute band where the guitarist looked more like Yoko Ono than George Harrison.
Yer actual Bg Rusty has also, reportedly, 'clarified' (as in, 'not really clarified, just claimed that one particularly insistent fan-rumour is, in fact, total bollocks') the role that Jinkx Monsoon's character occupies in The Devil's Chord.
We've also had - via the Radio Times (which used to be run by adults) - the first images of the new series' third episode, Boom written by The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE). Which will be available for download and viewing at the same time(s) on 17/18th May depending where you are in the world (this blogger has no intention of going through all the variants again).
With publicity prior to the new series at full blast, we've also seen pieces related to Doctor Who cropping up in - in no particular order - the Digital Spy website, Variety, Rolling Stain, Entertainment Weekly, Forbes, Film Stories, the Daily Mirra, Podcasting Today, the Evening Standard, the Radio Times (which used to be run by adults), the Daily Scum Mail, the Daily Scum Express, Metro (so, not a real newspaper), Huffington Post, Fandom Wire, the Daily Record, the Liverpool Echo and Cinema Blend. So, if you haven't read any of these previously, dear bloggerisationism fiends, that's your homework for the next week before the new series starts.
This blogger thinks it's gonna be great.
Moving on to other matters, earlier this week Keith Telly Topping had a bit of a hoover and a tidy-up in The Stately Telly Topping Manor living roomette to welcome the incoming arrivals of the two latest members of The Stately Telly Topping Manor family, Tabatha The Stately Telly Topping Manor table and Lorelai The Stately Telly Topping Manor lava-lamp.
Tales from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Living Roomette, Part The Second. Tabatha, The Stately Telly Topping Manor table is now, some days later, getting used to her new surroundings and what she will be expected to carry to justify her existence (and yes, there is a kind of a symmetrical thing going on here - it's called Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder!) Lorelai The Stately Telly Topping lava lamp, meanwhile, was getting another daytime workout. Keith Telly Topping's life in a nutshell, shuffling things around his living roomette until they look sexy and then taking pictures of them.
The cost of watch batteries is getting somewhat extortionate, dear bloggerisationism fiends. It rather makes this blogger long for the good old days.
When doing the fortnightly Stately Telly Topping Manor wash recently, a pair of reasonably new white keks and a very white t-shirt which this blogger had only worn once accidentally got mixed in with the coloureds (if that's an acceptable term for non-Caucasian laundry these days), including one bright crimson bed-spread. The inevitable subsequently happened, of course. Fortunately, some men can really pull off wearing pink underwear. Unfortunately, this blogger is not one of them.
As has become something of a tradition round these parts, yer actual Keith Telly Topping would like to wish all of his dear bloggerisationism fiends a jolly happy St George's Day for 23 April. And, for that matter, a peaceful and prosperous St Ringo's Day the following day.
Following this blogger's recent increasingly rare part-day out socialising with one of his oldest fiends (described, at some length, in the last From The North bloggerisationism update), the start of May saw another semi-regular Stately Telly Topping Manor tradition joyously returned to. This blogger's fiend Young Malcolm had, for one reason or another, suffered something of an 'orrible April, one of the more minor spin-offs of which was the postponement (not once but twice) of he and this blogger getting our shit together at the Little Asia for some good food and a chinwag about, you know, stuff.
Conversation quickly moved away from Young Malcolm's several mishaps (and, indeed, this blogger's) and dwelt upon a series of funny Lew Grade stories; the productions of Tony Tenser; Mark Lewisohn's forthcoming second volume of Tune In and speculation on what were the other two movies The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) could have appeared in but didn't before A Hard Day's Night besides The Yellow Teddy Bears and Saturday Night Out; Richard Lester being interviewed for a Wilfrid Brambell biography; the superb Television & Radio Database website and Keith Telly Topping recently becoming a regular contributor to their Tyne-Tees listings. All, during the soup course.
Then, we moved on to Keith telly Topping's recent rewatch of the black and white Diana Rigg episodes of The Avengers; The Saint; TPTV's The Footage Detectives; Tyne-Tees scheduling of Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased), Department S, The Champions, UFO and The Strange Report; Sunday night US TV movies shown in the UK in the mid-to-late 1970s; guest stars on Columbo; The Prisoner and the story behind Leslie Halliwell's spectacular failure to purchase both Kojak and Starsky & Hutch for ITV, all whilst shoving mouthfuls of Sesame prawn toast and Cantonese spare ribs down our Ruud Gullits.
After that, during the main course, it was onto a series of long-forgotten Omnibus documentaries; Morecambe and Wise on Parkinson; The Brothers; The Sweeney; Unearthly Stranger (1963); books on British horror movies (besides the one written by this blogger, obviously); Bob Stanley's Bee Gees biography Children Of The World; Rob Chapman's excellent Unsung, Unsaid: Syd & Nick In Absentia and other recently-read books in The Stately Telly Topping Manor bedroom; Gabrielle Drake; ghost-written biographies; The Goodies and which is best, The Godfather or The Godfather Part II (it's the latter, just in case there was ever any debate on this matter).
Next, we're back to that old From The North stand-by, When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Eighty. Oh, hang on, this one is new!
When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Eighty One. '... So, then, Eric Clapton said to Ronnie Wood "I could've had your job." To which Ronnie replied, "Yes, but I've got the live with them!"'
When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Eighty Two. 'I say, I say, my wife and I have just been to a Bill & Ted convention in Oslo.' 'Norway?' 'Yes way, dude.'
When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Eighty Three. 'I say I say. My wife's currently on a tour following her favourite band, Kajagoogoo, around some of the major capital cities of South East Asia.' 'Singapore?' 'Yes, but the bassist was quite good.'
When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Eighty Four. 'I say, I say. My wife recently got robbed in Western Australia.' 'Perth?' 'No, they took her pathport and Driving Lithenth.'
When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Eighty Five. 'I say, I say. My wife recently got a tattoo whilst we were on holiday in Hawaii.' 'Honolulu?' 'No, on her arm ...'
When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Eighty Six. 'I say, I say. My wife's just gone to The East Indies.' 'Jakarta?' 'No, she went on an aeroplane.'
When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Eighty Seven. 'I say, I say. I've been on holiday to Africa where I played cards with the natives.' 'Zulus?' 'No, I usually won, actually.'
When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Eighty Eight. 'I say I say, I say ... When I say run, run!'
When Doctors Meets It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Eighty Nine. 'I say I say. Did you know I recently attempted to cross Antarctica, barefoot.' 'Really? How did that go?' 'I had to pull out. I got cold feet.'
When Doctors Meets It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Ninety. 'I say, I say, have you ever been to a market-place in Egypt?' 'No, I haven't, why?' 'It's quite bizarre.'
When Doctors Meets It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Ninety One. 'I was in something of a moral quandary the other day, Smudger.' 'Really, Dave, how so?' 'I found a fifty pound note in the street. I didn't know whether to hand it in or not. I thought "What would Jesus do?" So, I turned it into wine.'
When Doctors Meets It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Ninety Two. 'I've been feeling a little bit down this week, Peter.' 'Have you, Smudger?' 'Yes, I've been contemplating the futility of existence, you know the sort of thing - feeling melancholic, drawn to thoughts of those whom we've lost? I couldn't help thinking about the last words my dear old grandfather said to me before he died.' 'What did he say?' 'Are you still holding the ladder? Have you met the wife?'
When Doctors Meets It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Ninety Three. 'My father died, peacefully, in his sleep.' 'That's good to hear.' 'Which is more than can be said for the fifteen passengers on the bus he was driving at the time.'
When Doctors Meets It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Ninety Four. 'My wife recently broke my best lamp, Smudger. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at her in the same light ever again.'
When Doctors Meets It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Ninety Five. 'For God's sake can we hurry up and get this over with, I'm tired and I've got a drink to finish. This Dalek is actually quite comfy ...' 'Psst, who invited him along?' 'Tom, let go of my hand, I'm starting to get nervous.'
When Doctors Meets It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Ninety Six. 'I say, I say. My wife's just gone to the West Indies.' 'Jamaica?' 'Yes, actually, a small exclusive resort just North of Montego Bay. All inclusive for eight hundred and ninety nine quid including airport transfers. It was delightful, we're thinking of going back again next year.' 'Am I actually needed for this joke?' 'Not really, Tom, no.'
When Doctors Meet It Is A Humbling Experience: Ninety Seven. 'Round up the usual suspects ... again.'
When Doctors Meets It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Ninety Eight. How much more bi- could this be, dear bloggerisationism fiends? None more bi- that's, how much. On a scale of one-to-ten in terms of bi-ness with one being 'not particularly bi-' and ten being 'really very extremely bi- indeed', this is a bi-eleven. Borderline bi-twelve. Just, you know, for anyone that happened to be bi-curious.
When Doctors Meets It Is A Humbling Experience: Number Ninety Nine. 'I say, I say. A B♭ and E♭ and a G♭ walk into a bar. The barman says "Sorry lads, we don't serve minors."'
This remains still, to this day, the single greatest LP review of all time - by 'Red Starr' (probably a pseudonym for Ian Cranna) from Smash Hits, July 1979. If you've going to eviscerate pompous, overblown full-of-their-own-importance hippies, this is how you do it!
So, same time again next week, lads?
Moving on swiftly, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, we have the nominations for the latest From The North Headline of The Month award, starting off with Jacob Farr, 'reporter' (allegedly) with the Edinburgh Live website who gave the world Edinburgh Family Fume As TV 'Stuck On E4' & Mum 'Can't Watch Coronation Street' Goddamit, we'll stay on this story all night if we have to. Seriously, Jacob, do your parents tell their fiends that their son is 'a journalist'? Because if they do, they're lying.
Congratulations are also due to Rowan Newman who is, apparently, 'senior reporter' at the Bradford Telegraph & Argus. Because he felt it a vital public service to inform everyone that Man Claims To Have Seen Ghost In His Bradford Garden. And this constitutes 'news', apparently. Well done there, Rowan.
Also in the 'and this constitutes news' column, the following gem from the Daily Torygraph.
The Nottingham Post's Mystery Over Serial Defecator Targeting Nottingham Street Corner at least has the whiff of truth about it.
The excellently-named Rachel Looker of the BBC News website - that's the BBC News website - is next up to the plate with A Little Girl Said Monsters Were In Her Bedroom. It Was sixty thousand Bees. They were quickly told to buzz off.
Kent Online's Mille Bowles, meanwhile, really has her finger on the pulse of what's going down in Groovetown Backlash Over Kebab Signs On Historic Former Plough & Harrow Pub In Bridge Near Canterbury. Surely, after Brexit, all of the kebabs have been sent back where they came from?
The same organ of the media (and, this blogger uses that word quite wrongly) was also first in one what is, clearly, one of the most important stories of the week; Suez Bin Fiasco Continues Across Sittingbourne, Sheppey, Ashford, Faversham & Maidstone With Missed Collections Continuing After A Month. Which includes the sub-heading 'It's Like Living In A Third World Country'. As most people who do live in, lets be a bit more delicate here and a say 'developing' countries will be happy to tell you, Kent Online, on a scale of one-to-ten with one being 'not like living in a developing country in the slightest' and ten being 'exactly like living in a developing country', not having your bins emptied for four weeks is probably going to score a maximum of two. Possibly three if you're have lots of takeaways and flies have started to gather.
Wales Online, meanwhile, reports that Man Almost Arrested In Spain Because Of Tattoo 'Has No Regrets'. Although, sadly, to find out whether he had no regrets about the tattoo, the holiday, the near arrest or the 1975 single by The Walker Brothers, you'll have to actually read the, no doubt, Pulitzer Prize-nominated article.
North Wales Daily Post adds its own 'Psycho' Squirrel's Reign Of Terror Ends After Forty Eight-Hour Rampage Which Left Eighteen Injured. Which comes from the 'countryside and tourism' editor Andrew Forgrave. A tip, Andrew, if you want to actually get any tourism to your locale for you to write about, articles on 'psycho' squirrels 'on the rampage' might, just, be inadvisable. Or, you could just got for Squirrel Goes Nuts instead.
Worcester News certainly deserve a place on this list for the truly epic Canterbury Road Chainsaw Raid: Cops Could Have Killed Dog. Because, that's what police do, dear bloggerisationism fiends. Allegedly.
And, the Western Telegraph's Anger As Piano-Playing Panda Removed From Whitland Tip concludes this collection of the odd and the odder.
And finally, dear blog reader, this from The Times. Fair to say he never saw that coming.
