All In This Together

There is no doubt that yer actual Peter Capaldi's forthcoming exit from Doctor Who will be rather an emotional thing for many fans of the popular long-running family SF drama this Christmas. But, just in case dear blog readers had any doubts about this, Pearl Mackie has assured us that events will, indeed, be 'pretty emotional' as Peter regenerates into Jodie Whittaker. 'I'd say have a box of tissues close at hand,' Pearl told Radio Times. No. Get your minds out of the gutter, you sick bastards, this is serious. 'As to be expected: it's Peter's last episode as The Doctor and my last episode as well,' Pearl added. The actress became a firm fan favourite as she made her debut as The Doctor's latest companion, Bill, on the last series - this blogger thought she was great - and, whilst the Christmas episode, Twice Upon A Time looks set to be her last outing, Pearl remains 'open' to the possibility of returning to the franchise one day. 'One of the wonderful things about Doctor Who is that the world of possibilities is endless,' she added, 'so I guess, never say never.' However, despite all of these departures, Pearl claimed that there will be 'lots of positives' in the episode too, especially as it represents a turning point in the series. 'There's new beginnings - with Jodie Whittaker - it's a great adventure with two Doctors, it's going to be very exciting, it's going to be a lovely episode.' In the special, David Bradley 'will reprise his portrayal of [the] first Doctor,' the Digital Spy website claim. Which if course, isn't even slightly true - in An Adventure In Space & Time, David played William Hartnell playing the first Doctor which is a very different thing from actually playing the first Doctor. Pearl, however, has nothing but praise for Bradley. 'Yes, I did get to work with him, which was very exciting,' she recalled. 'It was amazing working with David, he's wonderful. He's such a brilliant actor and a lovely man. He's great in it and very, very like the first Doctor, which is incredible. It's uncanny.'

The first image of The X-Files' forthcoming eleventh series has been unveiled this week though it doesn't solve the deeply disturbing series ten cliffhanger. Last time viewers saw Dana Scully (From The North favourite Gillian Anderson), she was on a gridlocked bridge trying to reach Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) and save his ass from a nasty alien virus that was threatening to, you know, kill him very dead. However this first photo from the new series sees Scully herself, apparently at death's door. 'Obviously something unexpected has happened,' series creator Chris Carter told EW. 'Everything is by design.' Carter added that after the first episode, which delves into The Smoking Man's backstory, there will be 'a time jump' at the start of the second episode from which, presumably, this image comes.

A few weeks ago it was the very excellent Gail Trimble, this week it was Oscar Powell and Jack Bennett proving that Only Connect is, indeed, the only conceivable refuge for former University Challenge-type individuals.

Here are the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Seven programmes broadcast in the week-ending Sunday 24 September 2017:-
1 Strictly Come Dancing - Sat BBC1 - 11.04m
2 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.41m
3 Doctor Foster - Tues BBC1 - 8.28m
4 The Great British Bake-Off - Tues Channel Four - 8.02m
5 Liar - Mon ITV - 7.22m
6 The X-Factor - Sun ITV - 6.95m
7 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 6.93m
8 Doc Martin - Wed ITV - 6.58m
9 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 6.27m
10 Victoria - Sun ITV - 5.79m
11 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 5.67m
12 The Child In Time - Sun BBC1 - 5.66m
13 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.62m
14 Z-List Celebrity MasterChef - Fri BBC1 - 5.48m
15 Six O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.93m
16 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 4.91m
17 Ambulance - Thurs BBC1 - 4.52m
18 Bad Move - Wed ITV - 4.50m
19 Ten O'Clock News - Tues BBC1 - 4.48m
20 Cold Feet - Fri ITV - 4.43m
21 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 4.41m
22 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.33m
23 Pointless Z-List Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 3.75m
24 Match Of The Day - Sat BBC1 - 3.74m
25= Safe House - Thurs ITV - 3.52m
25= Mrs Browns Boys - Sat BBC1 - 3.52m
27The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 3.41m
These consolidated figures, published weekly by the British Audience Research Bureau, include all viewers who watched programmes live and on various forms of catch-up TV and video-on-demand during the seven days after initial broadcast. They do not, however, include those who watched on BBC's iPlayer or ITV Player via their computers. Don't ask this blogger why, dear blog reader, they just don't all right? The opening live episode of Strictly Come Dancing had a consolidated audience which was up on the equivalent episode from the 2016 series (9.3 million punters). The X-Factor drew an audience of 5.83 million viewers for its Saturday episode. On BBC2, University Challenge had a total audience of 2.64 million. Dragons' Den (2.44 million), The Detectives: Murder On The Streets (1.84 million) and W1A (1.83 million) followed. Mastermind was watched by 1.78 million, Saving Lives At Sea by 1.72 million, Gardeners' World by 1.70 million, World's Busiest Cities, by 1.69 million, Mock The Week by 1.62 million, This Farming Life by 1.50 million, Only Connect by 1.49 million, The Big Family Cooking Showdown by 1.39 million, Horizon by 1.34 million and Match Of The Day 2 by 1.32 million. Wretched, unfunny waste-of-oxygen Upstart Crow lost a third of its audience from the previous week's opening episode, attracting but 1.22 million. Channel Four's highest-rated broadcast was, as usual, for The Great British Bake Off. Gogglebox (2.67 million) and Z-List Celebrity Island With Bear Grylls (2.02 million) followed. Educating Greater Manchester had 1.99 million, The Undateables, 1.98 million, The Supervet, 1.96 million, First Dates, 1.80 million and both Egypt's Great Pyramid: The New Evidence and Escape To The Chateau, 1.77 million. Grand Designs drew 1.64 million, Superfoods: The Real Story, 1.58 million and Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown, 1.58 million. The second episode of Impossible Dreams drew 1.35 million. Channel Five's top performer was Paddington Station, with an audience of 1.67 million. Police Interceptors, Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away!, Cruising With Jane McDonald and The Dog Rescurers With Alan Davies rounded-off Five's list of shame with audiences of 1.56 million, 1.51 million, 1.42 million and 1.27 million. Z-List Celebrity Five Go Motorhoming was watched by 1.24 million. All of whom should be sodding-well ashamed of themselves. Sky Sports Premier League's top-ten was headed by West Hamsters United's home defeat to Stottingtot Hotshots with five hundred and eighty three thousand. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though tragically unsellable) Magpies' shamefully inept performance at Brighton & Hove Albinos had one hundred and seventy nine thousand (plus five hundred and thirty nine thousand on Sky Sports Main Event). Sunday morning cult favourites Goals On Sunday and The Sunday Supplement were watched by eight six thousand and eighty one thousand respectively. The Main Event channel's coverage of the Carabao Cup games between Leicester City and Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and The Scum and Burton Albinos drew five hundred and sixty two thousand and five hundred and two thousand. The Leicester/Liverpool game also topped the ratings for Sky Sports Football (one hundred and ninety eighty thousand) ahead of the Live EFL games between Sheffield Wednesday and Sheffield United (one hundred and eighty five thousand, plus an additional two hundred and thirty five thousand on Main Event) and Forest Green against Swindon (one hundred and twenty seven thousand). Aston Villains victory over Nottingham Forest in the 'Battle Of Teams That Were Amongst The Best In Europe Thirty Years Ago But Aren't Now' Cup had one hundred and nine thousand on Sky Sports Football and one hundred and ninety two thousand on Main Event. Sky Sports Mix's most-watched list was topped by Live La Liga: Real Madrid Versus Real Betis with one hundred and four thousand. On Sky Sports Cricket the channel's highest audience of the week was for Sunday's coverage of Live England Versus West Indies ODI with three hundred and twenty three thousand, plus a further ninety four thousand on Sky Sports Main Event. Gillette Soccer Saturday attracted three hundred and fifty three thousand punters on Sky Sports News HQ, plus four hundred and fifty eight thousand on the Premier League channel, one hundred and twenty five thousand on Main Event and one hundred and forty one thousand on Sky Sports Football. A total audience across all four channels of over a million punters. Unbelievable, Jeff! F1 Report: Australia Preview was seen by twenty four thousand punters on Sky Sports F1 whilst Ted's Notebook: Singapore had twenty three thousand. Live NFL: Baltimore Versus Jacksonville attracted eighty thousand viewers on Sky Sports Action. Sky 1's weekly top-ten was headed by worthless, rancid puddle of festering, fuck-awful spew A League Of Their Own, watched by eight hundred and fifty eight thousand punters - every single one of whom need to take a good, hard look in the mirror for any remote signs of common sense. A further twenty five thousand moron watched this awful, self-important rubbish on Sky Sports Mix. The equally worthless and unfunny The Russell Howard Hour and Stella drew seven hundred and fifty six thousand and seven hundred and forty thousand viewers respectively. For shame, people of Great Britain, for shame. The Last Ship was seen by four hundred and thirty seven thousand, Zoo, by four hundred and ten thousand and The Force: North East by two hundred and fifty six thousand. Sky Atlantic's list was topped by episode three of the really rather excellent Tin Star with two hundred and eighty two thousand. A repeat of the previous week's episode was watched by one hundred and nine thousand. Ray Donovan had one hundred and fifty nine thousand, Ballers, one hundred and forty three thousand and a Game Of Thrones repeat, eighty two thousand. On Sky Living, Chicago Fire drew by four hundred and sixty thousand whilst Nashville had two hundred and fifty nine thousand. How To Get Away With Murder attracted two hundred and twenty two thousand and My Kitchen Rules Australia was seen by one hundred and ninety two thousand. Sky Arts' The Sixties was viewed by eighty eight thousand viewers. Classic Artists: Jethro Tull drew forty five thousand punters who enjoy watching a man playing the flute whilst standing on one leg. And, if this blogger had accused the same people of watching a similar act on Britain's Got Toilets one imagines they would not be very happy about the claim. Midsomer Murders was ITV3's top-rated drama (seven hundred and seventy thousand viewers). Foyle's War was seen by five hundred and thirty four thousand. One of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's favourite movies, The Dam Busters drew four hundred and sixty eight thousand. The Bond movie that never should have been Never Say Never Again drew two hundred and fifty seven thousand. ITV2's top-ten was headed by full-of-its-own-importance bucket of diarrhoea, Z-List Celebrity Juice, seen by 1.28 million sad, crushed victims of society. The films The Smurfs 2 and The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey both had five hundred and thirty six thousand viewers. Although, probably not the same five hundred and thirty six thousand people, cos that would be weird. DCI Banks headed ITV Encore's top ten with fifty seven thousand viewers, followed by Poirot (forty eight thousand), Whitechapel (thirty six thousand) and Vera (thirty four thousand). Worthless, shallow, stinking smear of appalling plank juice, The Only Way Is Essex, was viewed by eight hundred and twenty six thousand of exactly the sort of specimens who enjoy such risible and ugly exercises in z-list-celebrity-by-non-entity on ITVBe. Similarly tripe conceit, The Real Housewives Of Cheshire was seen by five hundred and ninety seven thousand. Broken Britain in a sentence, dear blog reader. BBC4's list was headed by Henry VII: Winter King (seven hundred and twelve thousand viewers). British History's Biggest Fibs With Lucy Worsley had six hundred and seventy one thousand and the latest two episodes of Black Lake, six hundred and thirty five thousand and five hundred and fifty six thousand respectively. Horizon drew four hundred and eighty thousand and Dangerous Earth, four hundred and seventy four thousand. Kenny Rogers: Cards On The Table was seen by four hundred and twenty four thousand. 5USA's latest Chicago PD episode was viewed by five hundred and sixty eight thousand punters, NCIS: Los Angeles by five hundred and forty eight thousand, Castle by three hundred and seventy three thousand and Bull by three hundred and fifty six thousand. On Five Star, Home & Away scored four hundred and forty three thousand Bruces and Sheilas. Ripper. NCIS topped the most-watched programme list of CBS Action (one hundred and eleven thousand). Medium attracted eighty two thousand on CBS Drama. For the FOX Channel, American Horror Story: Cult was watched by three hundred and thirty thousand. Lucifer had two hundred and three thousand and Body Of Proof, one hundred and thirty seven thousand. NCIS was watched by one hundred and twenty three thousand viewers. The second series of Private Eyes continued with two hundred and one thousand viewers on The Universal Channel, followed by the movies Gone In Sixty Seconds and Flight Plan (one hundred and sixty two thousand and one hundred and six thousand) and NCIS (eighty four thousand). On Dave, funny as a geet ugly waaaart on the bell-end Taskmaster was watched by seven hundred and thirty thousand very undiscerning punters. Red Bull Soap Box was seen by four hundred and nine thousand, the opening episode of the surprisingly decent Porters by three hundred and eighty four thousand and Not Going Out, by three hundred and fifty one thousand. Drama's Death In Paradise attracted four hundred and seventy nine thousand viewers and New Tricks, four hundred and two thousand. Inspector George Gently was watched by three hundred and forty nine thousand and Father Brown by three hundred and thirty eight thousand. Alibi's highest-rated programme of the week was, as usual, Rosewood (two hundred and twenty four thousand) whilst Death In Paradise had one hundred and forty one thousand and Silent Witness, one hundred and seventeen thousand. Sony TV's top ten was headed by Matilda (forty eight thousand). Yesterday's repeat run of Fawlty Towers continued with three hundred and twelve thousand, whilst The Channel Islands At War attracted one hundred and sixty eight thousand and David Attenborough's Living Lights, one hundred and forty nine thousand. On the Discovery Channel, Garage Rehab was seen by one hundred and forty eight thousand viewers. Ed Stafford: Left For Dead - oh, if only he were - had one hundred and eleven thousand, Gold Divers, seventy nine thousand, Misfit Garage, seventy two thousand, James May's Toy Stories, seventy one thousand and From The North cult fave Wheeler Dealers, sixty one thousand. The latter also appeared in the weekly top tens of both Discovery Shed (fifty two thousand) and Discovery Turbo (thirty three thousand). Discovery History's Mother That Killed: Crimes Of The Century headed the top ten with thirty eight thousand. True Horror With Tony Head attracted thirty thousand people who, presumably, were expecting a repeat of The Invisible. The Executioners, Edge Of War and Waterloo The Ultimate Battle all had twenty four thousand viewers and Seven Ages Of Britain, twenty two thousand. On Discovery Science, UK's Toughest Jobs was seen by forty six thousand. On Quest, Salvage Hunters was watched by five hundred and seven thousand. Pick's Warehouse Thirteen had an audience of three hundred and four thousand. National Geographic's list was headed by Air Crash Investigations and Big, Bigger, Biggest. They were watched by one hundred and twenty five thousand and fifty five thousand respectively. National Geographic Wild's Snakes In The City was viewed by thirty two thousand. The History Channel's most-seen programmes were Forged In Fire (one hundred and twenty nine thousand) and American Ripper In London (one hundred and nineteen thousand). Engineering An Empire on the Military History channel was seen by thirty eight thousand punters and The Lost Evidence by thirty two thousand. Homicide: Hours To Kill, Crimes That Shook The Shit Out Of Britain, The First Forty Eight and Evil genius were Crime & Investigation's top-rated programmes with sixty thousand, forty two thousand, thirty nine thousand and thirty eight thousand blood-and-snots-lovers, respectively. Faking It: Tears Of A Crime, Grim Sleeper: People Magazine Investigates, American Monster and Kiss Of Death headed Investigation Discovery's list (one hundred and sixteen thousand, seventy nine thousand, seventy thousand and sixty eight thousand respectively). GOLD's the - seemingly never-ending - documentary series The Story Of Only Fools & Horses had four hundred and fifty eight thousand. Comedy Central's largest audience of the week was for Impractical Jokers with four hundred and twelve thousand. Your TV's repeat of Bones series six continued with one hundred and fifteen thousand viewers. On More4, Outlander was the highest-rated programme with five hundred and ninety eight thousand. Queen Victoria's Last Love: Abdul Karim had five hundred and three thousand and Nine-Nine-Nine: On The Frontline, four hundred and thirty five thousand. E4's list was topped by Hollyoakes (nine hundred thousand). The latest episode of Midnight Texas, headed Syfy's top-ten with three hundred and fifty three thousand whilst Joss Whedon's flawed-but-interesting Serenity was watched by one hundred and nine thousand, one thousand viewers more than an episode of the TV series which it spun-off from, Firefly. The Horror Channel's weekly list was topped by four episode of Star Trek: Voyager - horrible, certainly, but horror? - in a top ten which also included The Stranger (one hundred and forty thousand), Orc Wars (one hundred and eleven thousand), an episode of The Invaders (ninety five thousand) and Amicus's 1965 yawn-a-thon The Skull (ninety four thousand). Scotland Yard and The Man In The Sky topped Talking Pictures list, with forty six thousand and forty one thousand respectively. Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! had one hundred and eighty two thousand on Spike. Walking With Beasts was viewed by thirty eight thousand on Eden, whilst Wonders Of The Solar System had thirty four thousand. Man-Eating Python was the Animal Planet's most-watched programme with seventy seven thousand. My Cat From Hell had twenty seven thousand. MasterChef Australia on W attracted two hundred and seventy six thousand punters. True Crime's Fatal Attraction was seen by fifty nine thousand viewers. On True Entertainment, M*A*S*H, was watched by one hundred and twenty six thousand. A repeat of an old episode of Rick Stein's Spain drew sixty nine thousand on Good Food. TLC's list was headed by Outdaughtered: Busby Quints (with one hundred and thirty six thousand). Shameful shat-splat Geordie Shore on MTV was viewed by five hundred and forty seven thousand total glakes whilst equally worthless Teen Mom UK had one hundred and ninety six thousand. Helicopter ER was seen by two hundred and thirty three thousand on Really. Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated had ninety six thousand viewers on Boomerang. Zoinks! The Nuremberg Prosecutor and Hitler's Lost Battleship topped PBS America's weekly list with thirty four thousand viewers and twenty five thousand. On Cbeebies, Go Jetters was seen by five hundred and twenty thousand, Topsy & Tim by four hundred and forty six thousand and Clangers by four hundred and forty six thousand. Power Rangers: Ninja Steel! had one hundred and ninety six thousand on the Pop Channel. On AMC, Fear The Walking Dead was watched by seventeen thousand. Hardcore Pawn drew one hundred and two thousand punters on Blaze. Total Bellas attracted one hundred and forty three thousand viewers on E! whilst Life Of Kylie had ninety eight thousand. The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills pulled in one hundred and thirteen thousand on Lifetime. Good Charlotte: Spankin' New Video attracted twelve thousand on Scuzz. The Accountant was watched by five hundred and twenty one thousand punters on Sky Cinema Premiere.

Meanwhile, still on the subject of ratings, for the second week running Strictly Come Dancing continued to urinate all over ITV rival The X Factor from a great height in the battle for Saturday overnight viewers. An average of 9.3 million punters saw Saturday's episode live, making it the day's most watched show with a forty five per cent viewing share. The X Factor attracted but 4.9 million viewers, slightly up on last week's overnight figure though its overnight audience peak fell from six million to 5.8 million. The BBC and ITV shows, which overlap for fifty minutes, have long competed for viewers during one of TV's prime slots. Strictly's episode also did better than its 2016 equivalent, which had an overnight average of 8.6 million viewers. It had a peak viewing of 10.2 million, compared to 9.5 million in 2016. 'This was despite some concern that the celebrity contestants in the dancing competition are less popular than in previous years,' the BBC News website stated although, in fact, this 'some concern' largely appears to have been one - particularly badly researched and almost wholly speculative - article by some waste-of-space smear of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star which was published before the first episode of Strictly had even been broadcast.

US sitcom Will & Grace has returned after eleven years away with an episode heavy on jokes about President - and hairdo - Donald Trump. The comeback saw Grace, an interior designer, consider a job of renovating The White House. The episode also wrote off the climax of the 2006 finale as 'just a dream.' That ended with a flash-forward in which Will's adult son married Grace's grown-up daughter. But at the start of the comeback episode, it was explained away by Karen (played by Megan Mullally), who awoke from a trance to say she had just had 'the craziest dream' about 'the children you had who grew up and got married to each other.' 'That never happened,' Will (Eric McCormack) replied. The sitcom won sixteen EMMYs first time around and was credited with helping to change attitudes towards homosexuality through the character of Will, a gay lawyer. The revival was commissioned after the cast reunited for a ten-minute satirical video during the 2016 presidential campaign. In the new episode, which was broadcast on Thursday in the US, there was a gag about matching Trump's skin tone to Cheetos, while his Make American Great Again campaign slogan became Make America Gay Again.

BBC3 drama Overshadowed is a little different to most TV shows - it is made up entirely of the vlogs of its lead character, Imogene. It's through these videos that her followers begin to notice all is not well in her life. 'I don't think I've seen anything on television like this, I think it's a new kind of concept,' says Michelle Fox, the actress who plays the teenage central character. Imogene is a young vlogger who uploads videos every day - recorded in her bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, at school, even whilst out jogging. But, over the course of eight ten-minute episodes, viewers gradually see her start to show signs of anorexia. 'Basically, Imogene decides to share her life with the world and the world sees more of her life than she does, with the outside force of the eating disorder,' Michelle explains.

Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws endured a familiar frustrating afternoon in front of goal as they were held to a one-all draw at yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle. Herr Klopp saw his side dominate possession and create several chances but, once again, they failed to capitalise as former Reds boss Rafa The Gaffer Benitez guided the hosts to a battling draw at a rocking St James' Park. Philippe Coutinho gave The Yee-Haws the lead with a fine twenty five-yard curler but poor defending allowed Joselu to equalise before the break after a pinpoint through-ball by Jonjo Shelvey. Liverpool were dominant for the majority of the second half but could not find a way through as Benitez continued his record of never losing against Liverpool during his managerial career. Herr Klopp's side have now won but one of their last seven games in all competitions and are seventh in the Premier League. The Magpies, who defended stoutly and looked occasionally dangerous on the break, were well worth their point and remain in ninth place with ten points from their seven games. In Sunday's two earlier Premier League matches, Jeff Hendrick finished off a magnificent Burnley team move to beat Everton Soft-Centred Toffees at Goodison Park as The Clarets' impressive start to the season continued and The Arse beat Brighton & Hove Albinos two-nil. Nacho Monreal put The Gunners ahead at The Emirates when he shot through a crowded penalty area and, later, a slick passing counter-attack was emphatically finished by Alex Iwobi.

The Scum loaded more misery on Crystal Palace Nil as Juan Mata's early opener, followed by a Marouane Fellaini double and a Romelu Lukaku strike, downed the hapless visitors on Saturday. The Eagles, who are still yet to register a point or score this season, saw their game-plan go out of the window almost immediately as Mata prodded home after just three minutes in United's first attack of the game. Fellaini followed up in the thirty fifth minute to double The Scum's lead as he latched onto Ashley Young's cross at the back post. The Belgian then doubled his tally after half-time when he met Marcus Rashford's delivery to head past Wayne Hennessey. With four minutes remaining, the in-form Lukaku grabbed his now expected strike - his eleventh in ten appearances for The Scum. Roy Hodgson's Palace remain goalless - as Alison Rudd pointed out on Sky's Soccer Supplement, they are the only club in a top division in Europe who are yet to score this season - and, indeed, pointless. Hodgson himself subsequently described his side as 'like a boxer fighting in a class he's not able to handle.' Bournemouth and Leicester's troubled starts to the season continued as the pair played out a tame goalless draw at The Vitality Stadium. Eddie Howe's Cherries had the majority of chances but were unable to deliver a crucial blow to the misfiring Foxes. Peter Crouch's late winner helped Dirty Stoke snatch victory after Maya Yoshida's spectacular scissor-kick appeared to have earned Southampton a share of the spoils. Mame Biram Diouf had handed The Potters the advantage five minutes before the break but Saido Berahino (who, like Crystal Palace Nil hasn't scored in ages) squandered a golden chance to give Dirty Stoke a two goal lead as his penalty was saved by Fraser Forster. It looked as if that miss could have cost Mark Hughes' side as Yoshida equalised with a delightful finish in the box. But Big Crouchy was to have the final say as he turned the ball past Forster to seal the win. Richarlison scored a dramatic late equaliser to earn Watford a deserved share of the spoils as they came from two goals down at West Bromwich Albinos. The Baggies took the lead courtesy of Salomon Rondon, before Jonny Evans doubled the advantage three minutes later. Abdoulaye Doucoure reduced the deficit before the break but it looked as if Watford's efforts would go unrewarded until Richarlison levelled five minutes into injury time. Diafra Sakho's late strike handed Slaven Bilic and West Hamsters United a vital three points in their clash with Swansea City. In a game of few chances - and limited quality - the Senegal striker redeemed himself, after trying to force an exit in the summer transfer window, by netting his first league goal of the campaign in the fourth minute of injury time. Harry Kane said that he has probably had his 'best month' after taking his September goal tally for Stottingtot Hotshots to thirteen with two in a four-nil victory at Huddersfield. The twenty four-year-old bettered his own record for goals scored in a calendar month as The Terriers became the fifth club side to suffer at the hands of the England marksman this month. Kevin de Bruyne scored an excellent winner as Sheikh Yer Man City beat Moscow Chelski FC to go back to the top of the league. City - without injured striker Sergio Aguero, who broke a rib in a car crash in Amsterdam on Thursday - were the better side against the champions. To make matters worse for Moscow Chelski, top scorer Alvaro Morata limped off with an injury in the first half.

Wolverhampton Wanderings stormed into an automatic Championship promotion place after a resounding four-nil victory at struggling Burton Albinos. Nuno's side raced out of the blocks with two goals in the opening eleven minutes from Jota and Romain Saiss. Ruben Vinagre added a third just before the break and Leo Bonatini put the game beyond any doubt after sixty two minutes. Burton have failed to score in five of their last six Championship games but second-placed Wolves are now just a point behind leaders Cardiff. The Bluebirds were held to a goalless draw by Derby at the Cardiff Stadium, but extended their unbeaten run in the league to four games. Sheffield United failed to take advantage. The Blades weren't sharp enough as they fell to a two-one defeat at Nottingham Forest and slipped to third place. Birmingham City's new boss Steve Cotterill watched on as The Blues fell to a comprehensive six-one pants-down spanking at Hull. The Blues appointed Cotterill as Hapless Harry Redknapp's successor on Friday, but Lee Carsley was left to take the team at the KCOM Stadium. Under-pressure Blunderland boss Simon Grayson - having controversially appeared to criticise The Mackems' support earlier in the week - picked up a valuable two-two draw against his former club Preston Both Ends at Deepdale. George Honeyman broke the deadlock for The Black Cats in the twenty eighth minute, but Josh Harrop levelled with a free-kick ten minutes after half-time. The hosts took the lead two minutes later courtesy of a Jordan Hugill strike before Aiden McGeady hit back for The Mackem Filth, who have still won only once in the league all season and remain rooted in the relegation zone. Notlob are rock bottom, one place below Blunderland, and without a victory this term after a defeat at Aston Villains. Jonathan Kodjia picked himself up after being fouled by Mark Beevers to convert a penalty after thirty nine minutes before Neil Taylor was sent off for the hosts. Martin Braithwaite scored his first goal for The Middlesbrough Smog Monsters in the two-two draw against Brentford at The Riverside Stadium. Elsewhere, Barnsley and Bristol City both picked up three-one away wins at Millwall and Ipswich respectively. Goals from Josh Brownhill and Famara Diedhiou put Bristol City two-nil up before Martyn Waghorn pulled a goal back for Ipswich. But Bobby Reid made sure of the three points. Norwich City extended their unbeaten run to seven games as they inflicted a fourth loss in six matches on Reading in Saturday evening's game. James Maddison's curling free-kick put Norwich ahead but the hosts levelled promptly through Liam Moore's header. Cameron Jerome then side-footed against the post for the Canaries, before heading them in front after half-time, unmarked at the far post from a corner. Fulham won two-one at Queens Park Strangers on Friday night.

Shrewsbury continued their strong march at the top of the League One table to maintain a four-point lead thanks to a two-nil victory over Scunthorpe. Stefan Payne's first-half header put the leaders ahead before Carlton Morris sealed maximum points with three minutes left as their opponents dropped to seventh. Second-placed Wigan Not Very Athletic recorded a win by the same score thanks to a brace from Will Grigg. The Northern Ireland international smashed home his first from close range on the half-hour mark and he made no mistake from the spot when awarded a penalty after he was felled by James Wilson ten minutes after the break. Charlie Wyke and Nat Knight-Percival were on target as Bradford claimed a two-nil win against local rivals Doncaster to move up to third. Peterborough dropped to fourth as Oxford fought back for a four-one victory after Jack Marriott had given the London Road side the lead. Josh Ruffels equalised three minutes after the break, before Jack Payne set up both Wes Thomas and Joe Rothwell, while Agon Mehmeti added a fourth eight minutes from time. Dominic Samuel's fifth goal of the season was enough for Blackburn Vindaloos as they defeated Gillingham at Ewood Park and edged into the top six, while Tarique Fosu-Henry's hat-trick saw Charlton win three-one at Fleetwood, who equalised through Bobby Grand midway through the first half. Eoin Doyle came back to haunt his former club with a goal in each half as Oldham claimed their second consecutive win and moved out of the bottom four with a two-one victory at Portsmouth, who scored a late consolation through Brett Pitman. MK Dons stretched their unbeaten run to four matches after claiming a two-nil win at Bury thanks to Osman Sow's early opener and Ethan Ebanks-Landell's header. Southend moved up a couple of places to twelfth following a two-one win at home to Blackpool thanks to goals from Anthony Wordsworth and Simon Cox. Kyle Vassell replied for the visitors. Bottom side Plymouth Argyle suffered more misery as they lost two-one at Bristol Rovers and lost Gary Miller to a straight red card for serious foul play. Elsewhere, Kieffer Moore's fifty second-minute effort was enough as Rotherham edged Northampton and the game between AFC Wimbledon and Rochdale finished goalless.

League Two leaders Notts County saw their six-game winning streak come to an abrupt halt with a three-one defeat at local rivals Mansfield. Danny Rose made it four goals in as many games for The Rampant Stags with a second-half brace before a Richard Duffy own goal sealed the points - all three goals inside sixteen pulsating minutes. Carl Dickinson grabbed a consolation for Kevin Nolan's County two minutes into added time with a twenty five-yard free-kick but the win extended Mansfield's unbeaten run against The Other Magpies to ten league matches. Jayden Stockley scored a brace as Exeter returned to winning ways with a four-one win over Morecambe - a result that left them level with County on twenty five points. Troy Brown and Dean Moxey were also on target for Exeter, with Vadaine Oliver hitting a consolation for The Shrimps. Seamus Conneely hit the only goal as third-placed Accrington Stanley beat Forest Green, a result which leaves the hosts rooted to the foot of the table. Duckens Nazon's early strike saw Coventry overcome Crewe and a pair of Danny Hylton goals helped Luton to a three-one win over Newport. Stevenage made it three wins in a row with a two-nil victory over Port Vale thanks to goals from Tom Anderson and Anthony de Freitas. Wycombe Wanderers also made it three successive victories as goals from Adebayo Akinfenwa, Josh Umerah and Nick Freeman gave them a three-one win over Barnet. Swindon picked up just a second home win of the season, with goals from on-loan pair Keshi Anderson and Harry Smith seeing off Cambridge. Grimsby and Lincoln played out a goalless draw and Jack Lester's reign as Chesterfield manager started on a losing note with a pair of goals from Mohamed Eisa giving Cheltenham a two-nil victory. Elsewhere, Hallam Hope's strike gave Carlisle a win at Crawley and Colchester beat Yeovil one-nil thanks to Sean Murray's effort.

The Premier League's six richest clubs are reported - by the Gruniad Morning Star if not anything more reliable - 'facing stubborn resistance' against their efforts to seek a greater share of income from the next multi-billion knicker round of TV deals. In a plan allegedly 'believed by the fourteen others' to be supported by The Scum, Sheikh Yer Man City, Moscow Chelski FC, Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, The Arse and Stottingtot Hotshots, the Premier League is proposing to end the system by which money from international TV rights sales is shared equally by all twenty clubs. Richard Scudamore, the Premier League's chairman, is 'understood,' the Gruniad claim, to have presented a proposal to a meeting of the other fourteen clubs held at Tthe Pullman Hotel in London on Wednesday, for thirty five per cent of the next international TV money to be distributed according to 'merit' – in other words, where clubs finish in the league. That would be a major change to the arrangement which has operated by agreement since the original 1992 breakaway of the then First Division clubs to form the Premier League, which was itself motivated by the bigger clubs no longer wanting to share TV money with the Football League's other three divisions. Income from international TV rights twenty five years ago was negligible, so the clubs agreed to share that money equally, while only a third of British TV income is divided equally, the other two-thirds shared according to where clubs finish in the league and how many times they are shown on television. Now, though, the Premier League's popularity has made it prime content for burgeoning pay-TV operations around the world, delivering approximately three billion smackers to the twenty clubs in the 2016 to 2019 round of deals. That bonanza added to the five billion quid from the competition between Sky and BT for British subscribers, plus other highlights deals, makes a total of £8.4bn in the current three-year cycle. The distribution of TV money last season showed that the champions, Moscow Chelski FC, received one hundred and fifty one million smackers in total while bottom-placed Blunderland were paid ninety three million notes, but the booming international income was shared equally, the twenty receiving thirty nine million knicker apiece. The so-called 'Big Six' clubs argue that as the global revenue rises, as it is expected to again when the 2019 to 2022 deals start to be negotiated later this year, they should receive a larger share because they are the ones which international viewers tune in to watch. The other fourteen clubs - including this blogger's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies have been resisting these moves, in an effort to hold on to their equal share of the money and arguing that the Big Six are, in fact, a bunch of greedy fuckers who should be given a good, hard slap in the mush. They are arguing that the sharing arrangement helps them to sign high-quality players - or, not sign quality players in the case of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Magpies - and keep the league, as Scudamore describes it, 'competitive and compelling' and therefore attractive on TV. Three of the smaller clubs are said to have been 'inclined' at the meeting to agree the new thirty five per cent merit payment arrangement, but the agreement of all fourteen is needed to effect such a substantial change, and eleven 'remain firmly opposed.'

A fan who hit a Premier League player during a game has been banned from watching football for three years. Jordan Woods, from Blackburn, admitted assaulting Burnley's Ashley Westwood during the club's EFL Cup game against Blackburn Vindaloos in August. Woods also received a four-month jail sentence, suspended for two years, at Blackburn Magistrates Court on 14 September. Woods was one of two fans who ran onto the pitch after Jack Cork's opening goal for Burnley in the second round tie on 23 August. He grappled with Ashley Westwood before tangling with a steward as he was led away. Woods admitted two counts of 'assault by beating' and also encroaching onto the pitch at Ewood Park. After the match Burnley's manager Sean Dyche criticised the time it took stewards to remove the Blackburn supporter. 'Our players had to eventually defend themselves and that can't be right anywhere in football,' he said. Four other fans received bans arising out of disturbances during the match. The football banning orders exclude the men from 'all UK football matches' as well as prohibiting them from being within a five-mile radius of the centre spot of specific football stadia in Birmingham, London and Manchester on match days. Although quite why a bunch of Blackburn fans would be in Birmingham, London or Manchester - as opposed to any other towns or cities in the country - is a question perhaps best left for another day.

More than thirty people have now been arrested in connection with violence before a pre-season football match between Blunderland and Glasgow Celtic. Police were called in after trouble flared at a book signing in Blunderland by the English Defence League founder Tommy Robinson on 29 July. Initially twenty four people were arrested, but Northumbria Police have said this week that figure had now risen to thirty one. An eighteen-year-old man suffered a head injury during the disturbance. A force spokesman added that further arrests were likely. At the time officers said the majority of arrests were unrelated to Robinson's book signing and included people being drunk and disorderly, committing a breach of the peace and using illegal pyrotechnics. Robinson was wearing a Glasgow Rangers shirt - the arch rivals of Celtic. Footage posted on social media showed a flare and other objects being thrown towards a shop where the signing was taking place before fighting broke out on the street with kids gettin' sparked and aal sorts. The spokesman added: 'Most of the fans who came along were, as we expected they would be, good-natured. It was very disappointing to see a small handful tarnish the city with their disruptive and violent behaviour. Since the disorder we have been working relentlessly to identify those involved which has resulted in further arrests.'

Ben Stokes and Alex Hales will not be considered by England for international cricket until further notice after they were involved in an incident near a Bristol nightclub. Which, in the case of Stokes, means that whatever tiny chance England had of retaining The Ashes in Australia this winters is now, effectively, gone. So, that's good. Stokes was arrested on suspicion of causing actual bodily harm and video footage emerged which allegedly showed him in a brawl in the early hours of Monday. On Wednesday, the test vice-captain was named in England's squad for The Ashes tour this winter. The all-rounder and Hales, who was with him when the incident occurred, missed Friday's final one-day international against West Indies at Ageas Bowl in Southampton which England won comfortably. Stokes was released without charge but remains under investigation while Hales returned voluntarily to Bristol on Tuesday to 'provide further evidence' to police about the incident. The England and Wales Cricket Board announced that it is investigating the pair and will not consider selecting them, after the governing body saw footage published by the Sun newspaper which, allegedly, shows Stokes throwing punches at two men. No timeframe has been given on their potential availability, with England due to play their first test against Australia in Brisbane starting on 23 November. Hales was not named in The Ashes squad.

So-called metal detector 'nighthawks' have damaged a Roman site in Northumberland. The illegal treasure hunters have been targeting remains close to Corbridge. Holes have been dug in the ground and it is believed that artefacts may have been taken. The site is a protected Scheduled Monument and only detectorists with written permission from Historic England are allowed to scan the area. The group which looks after the remains has asked the public to 'keep an eye out' for suspicious activity and to call the police. Mike Collins, inspector of ancient monuments for Hadrian's Wall at Historic England, said that 'a number of holes' have been dug in the field near the remains. He said: 'We are assuming they've retrieved considerable amounts of Roman artefacts, such as coins or any metallic domestic items, but because they're acting under the cover of darkness it's difficult to quantify. It's very clear the activity is happening overnight when the detectorists can't be seen from the surrounding countryside. It's been an issue for decades, but we've had several instances in the last few weeks.' Patrols are carried out by an English Heritage security guard as well as local police officers, Collins added. A find known as The Corbridge Hoard was unearthed at the site in 1964 and shaped the understanding of how Roman armour was made.

A man sentenced to seventy years in pris for murder has filed a lawsuit accusing Mercer County sheriff's officers of using excessive force when subduing him after he punched his defence attorney in the face during a court hearing. Randy Washington was extremely sentenced earlier this month to seventy years in The Big House for killing Silas Johnson in 2014. In the lawsuit, filed three days before he was sentenced, Washington admits to punching his - now-former - attorney in the face in June, but claims that he 'made no other threatening movements towards her.' Well, that's all right, then. 'I hit my attorney, but when I hit her, I did not advance toward her, I just waited for the sheriff to come handcuff me,' Washington wrote in the suit. The incident happened just after closing arguments in the trial ended and the jury was dismissed for deliberations. Washington claims that the sheriff's officers tackled him onto a table and later slammed him to the ground. One of the officer's knees came down on his wrist, breaking his hand, he alleges in the lawsuit. Washington claims that once back in jail, officers refused to send him to the hospital. On 6 July, a week after the incident, an X-ray revealed that Washington's hand was, indeed, broken. He had a second X-ray on 25 July and had surgery on 7 August, according to the lawsuit. Washington claims that he received no medical treatment from the jail between 6 July and 25 July, after the break in his hand was originally discovered. Washington is seeking a million bucks in compensation. In addition to Johnson's killing, Washington is also accused of the July 2014 murder of George Jamison at a Trenton bus stop. The Jamison killing, for which Washington has yet to be tried, sparked a four-month crime spree in which Washington committed several armed robberies before he was arrested for Johnson's killing, Mercer County prosecutors have said.

A day after her ex-police officer husband admitted to firebombing his supervisor's house, Alycia Dotro has cut a deal with prosecutors to enter a pre-trial programme which could lead to the dismissal of charges against her in the couple's trial that started last week. Dotro, who was facing more than twenty one years in prison, signed an order to enter the programme for first-time offenders on Tuesday morning before Superior Court Judge Pedro Jimenez in New Brunswick. If she completes the two-year programme, the charges against her - which include drug charges and accusations of lying to investigators - will be dropped. Her husband, Michael Dotro, a ten-year veteran of the Edison police department, pleaded very guilty on Monday to attempted murder and second-degree arson in the May 2013 firebombing of his supervisor's home. The plea resolved two arson cases and a host of charges, including multiple counts of attempted murder. Under a plea agreement, Michael Dotro will be sentenced to twenty years in The State Pen. He must serve seventeen years before he will be eligible for parole. Alycia Dotro's attorney, Richard Incremona, said after court Tuesday that his client maintains her innocence. She has been 'painted in a bad light' throughout the last four years while she and her husband have been charged with numerous crimes by the Middlesex County Prosecutor's Office, Incremona said.

A South African man has been jailed for having sex with a donkey after a witch doctor allegedly told him it would make him stronger. At least, this is according to the Daily Scum Mail so dear blog readers may wish to take the claims with a pinch of salt. Ntando Mankungwini allegedly 'ushered' two donkeys away from their herd in a secluded area of Eastern Cape. He had sex with one before the grandson of the donkeys' owner chased him away thinking that he was trying to steal the animals. Mankungwini pleaded guilty to bestiality on 20 September. He claimed that he was 'encouraged' to commit the sick and sordid act by a local witch doctor. Which is odd because, normally, all the witch doctor ever says is 'Ooo eee, ooo ah-ah, ting-tang walla-walla, bing-bang.' Apparently.

New Mexico Governor Susana Martinez found herself in a bit of a pickle this week after she allegedly failed to pay for a meal she ordered at a local burger restaurant in Santa Fe. Martinez, who was first elected as governor in 2010, did not pay her bill at the Five Star Burgers restaurant, according to Robert Gonzales, the general manager of the restaurant. 'At about 1 pm [Governor Martinez] came in with a member of her security detail, they ordered and asked for separate checks,' said Gonzalez. He claimed that 'when it came time to pay she crumpled hers up and threw it in the trash and left.' In response to the accusation, Governor Martinez's office characterised the incident as a misunderstanding. 'This is a supersized nothing-burger. The governor pays for her meals, including this one and attempting to exploit an obviously honest misunderstanding just demonstrates how petty our politics have become,' Martinez spokesperson Joseph Cueto wrote in a statement e-mailed to ABC News. Gonzales, who did not file a police report, says he felt 'compelled' to publicly whinge about the governor's alleged actions. 'A lot of government officials feels like they are owed something,' Gonzales said. 'I felt like it was a slap in the face, we're a locally-owned, locally run business and I thought it was my duty to stand up for it.' This is not the first time that Martinez's conduct in office has come under scrutiny. In 2015, Martinez apologised after police had to be called to a hotel room where she and her staff were holding their annual party. Audio recordings later surfaced that showed the governor told the police there was 'no need' to send officers to the hotel. She later apologised in a statement, according to the Santa Fe New Mexican. 'I believe in people accepting responsibility and that is why I'm owning [up to] what happened and I sincerely apologise,' Martinez said in a statement about the incident.

An Australian cookbook author who, falsely, claimed that she beat cancer through healthy eating has been fined for misleading consumers by lying about her charitable donations. The judge had ruled in March that Belle Gibson's deceptive claims of donating the proceeds from the sales of The Whole Pantry and a related app constituted 'unconscionable conduct under Australian consumer law.' The book and app were withdrawn and now Federal Court Justice Debra Mortimer has ordered Gibson to pay a total of four hundred and ten thousand Australian dollars for five contraventions of the law relating to false claims that the proceeds would go to various charities. 'One of the clear demonstrations of the dishonesty and self-interest attending Ms Gibson's conduct was the fact she and the company she controlled did not in fact make any donations to the organisations she had mentioned in her publicity statements until public questioning of her claims,' Judge Mortimer said in the Melbourne court. The judge said the twenty five-year-old had been 'cavalier about the truth,' unconcerned about representations she had made and 'prepared to tell outright lies.' Gibson had been put on notice during a media training interview with publisher Penguin Books in 2014 that questions 'would likely be raised' about her charitable giving, but 'she chose to perpetuate the fantasy and deception she created,' the judge said. She said that Gibson's failure to attend any of the civil court hearings showed she did not take any responsibility for her conduct.

From The North's 'What Every Home Needs'. Number one: A rechargable cat.

When one excited fan threw a shoe at Jennifer Hudson on Friday whilst she was in the middle of performing a concert, the singer took it in stride - because it was the Grammy Award-winning singer who started the trend. Hudson, who considers shoe-throwing a compliment, was seen doing the same thing on The Voice last week to contestant Chris Weaver. Weaver, a church singer by day and drag queen by night, was doing his own rendition of Otis Redding's 'Try QA Little Tenderness' when Hudson, a new Voice judge this season, turned her chair around and, later, threw co-judge Miley Cyrus' footwear. 'Where I come from, that's a compliment,' Hudson explained on the show. Where Jennifer Hudson comes from is, in fact, Chicago. So, if you happen to be in The Windy City and someone chucks a loafer at your head, don't say you weren't warned. persoanlly, this blogger isn't keen on all this shoe-throwing malarkey at gigs. People should, this blogger feels, consider the shoes feelings in all this. After all, shoes have soles too.

Whilst watching an old episode of Vera on ITV Encore on Sunday evening (well, it was either that or Antiques Roadshow) this blogger spotted one of the great geographical continuity errors in TV history. There was a shot of a car travelling in Byker on the Shields Road bypass towards Central Newcastle and then, in the next shot, the car arriving ... at the Knott Memorial Flats in Tynemouth. Oi, that's in the opposite direction. About eight miles in the opposite direction, in actual fact. Keith Telly Topping offers his sincere apologies to everybody outside of the vague North Tyneside area to whom this is going to mean absolutely nothing!

In the last bloggerisationisms update, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping mentioned that he had been having considerable trouble with the zip on his best winter coat of late. If you've been closely following the ensuing saga, dear blog reader, then you will, this blogger is sure, be delighted to know a temporary solution has been actioned via the use of a - particularly strong - paperclip! However, let it be noted that a few alternative suggestions for replacement best winter coats were considered at Stately Telly Topping Manor.

But, ultimately, they were all rejected.

In another recent bloggerisationisms update, dear blog reader, this blogger noted - with some fair pride as well as not inconsiderable surprise - that From The North appeared to have gained a decent number of new dear blog readers of late with a sudden spurt in bloggerisationisms activity over the last couple of weeks. Further investigation on the individual pages accessed during this period would suggest that there has been one, overwhelming, reason for all this malarkey and shenanigans. Two words, dear blog reader: 'Jodie' and 'Whittaker'. Thanks Jo, From The North would never have started, ahem, 'trending', without you.

And finally, dear blog reader, here are some of From The North's most-used words.