Week Twenty Two: People Who Make War Are Making Love Instead

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping sends his major congratulations to The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat his self and all of the boys and girls in cast and crew of Doctor Who down in Cardiff for yet another BAFTA win on Sunday evening, dear blog reader. Especially as it was just about the only thing that The Moffinator's old mate Chris Chibnell and his Broadchurch didn't win. Thoroughly well deserved, both. November's Doctor Who fiftieth anniversary story The Day Of The Doctor won the Radio Times Audience Award at the 2014 BAFTA Television ceremony. The special, starring yer actual Matt Smith, David Tennant his very self and John Hurt, won the award based on the votes of Radio Times readers, beating Breaking Bad, Gogglebox, The Great British Bake Off, Broadchurch and Educating Yorkshire. The award was collected by the current Head of Drama at BBC Wales and executive producer of the special, Faith Penhale, along with producer Marcus Wilson and director Nick Hurran. Penhale paid tribute to Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He): 'His ideas and his imagination support the show and guide the show, and we are really grateful to him. But this award is for anybody who has a hand in Doctor Who over the last fifty years. Last year we celebrated our anniversary so this is really special.' Doctor Who last won the audience award in 2006 when it was given the Pioneer Audience Award for best programme of 2005. Mark Gatiss's drama based on the origins of Doctor Who, An Adventure In Space And Time missed out on the award for best single drama, which was won by Channel Four's Complicit. The man who played William Hartnell in the drama, David Bradley, did win an award, although not for that role, winning best supporting actor for his part as the tragic newsagent Jack Marshall in Broadchurch. Broadchurch won three BAFTAs in total - for best drama, best actress for Olivia Colman and Bradley's best supporting actor. Colly, who won two BAFTAs in 2013, blubbed like a big, soft Kate Winslett on stage and said: 'Sorry not cool', adding that working with co-star David Tennant was 'a joy and a treat.' Olivia added that Chris Chibnall, was 'a genius' - an opinion which is not shared by a handful of sour-faced malcontents in Doctor Who fandom. But then, the same sour-faced malcontents are usually the ones that can't stand Steven Moffat either so what does that tell you about The Special People, dear blog reader? Ant and/or Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway won two BAFTAs, for best entertainment show and entertainment performance. The IT Crowd also took two awards for Richard Ayoade and Katherine Parkinson. They won for best male and female in a comedy programme and Parkinson praised writer Graham Linehan 'who has the most original comic brain.' After collecting his award for Broadchurch, Bradley said that he was sent a replica BAFTA award in chocolate by his agent last Christmas and added: 'Finally I can take it down off the mantelpiece and eat it.' Sean Harris who was at the centre of a completely media-created 'storm' around the recent BBC1 drama Jamaica Inn after some viewers whinged that they could not understand the dialogue, made light of the incident, telling the audience as he accepted his award: 'Try not to mumble, try and speak clearly.' He won the best actor award for Channel Four's Southcliffe, the harrowing drama about shootings in a small English town. Sarah Lancashire took the prize for best supporting actress for the BBC's Last Tango In Halifax beating off strong competition from her own co-star Nicola Walker whom Sarah singled out for praise in her acceptance speech. ITV and Channel Four took home eight awards each and the BBC won four, including the audience award. Julie Walters was given BAFTA's highest honour, a Fellowship, for her contribution to film and TV. Walters told the audience: 'When I told my mother I wanted to be an an actress in 1969, she said: "She'll be in in the gutter before she's twenty." But what a gutter, and I shared that gutter with some of the most amazing and talented people without whom I would not have a career.' And Victoria Wood. US drama Breaking Bad, which was shown exclusively online in the UK, won the international award after a change in the rules allowed shows screened online to be eligible. A sign, perhaps, of the changing way in which some viewers consume television, it was up against another Netflix-only show, Kevin Spacey's House Of Cards, along with acclaimed French drama The Returned, which was shown on Channel Four in the UK, and the last series of BBC4's Danish political thriller, Borgen. Other Channel Four wins included Olly Lambert's Dispatches programme, Syria: Across the Lines and Guy Hibbert's spy drama Complicit, starring David Oyelowo, which won the single drama prize. ITV's News At Ten coverage of the Woolwich attacks won the news award, with the award dedicated to editor Bernard Cole, who died this month aged forty nine. Another ITV programme, Long Lost Family, beat BBC2's The Great British Bake-Off to the features award. Sky won three awards, including the specialist factual prize for David Attenborough's Natural History Museum Alive 3D, more than fifty years after the eighty eight-year-old presenter won his first BAFTA. BBC1's coverage of Andy Murray's Wimbledon win was beaten to the sports and live event award by Sky Sports' coverage of last summer's first Ashes test between England and Australia. Ceremony host Graham Norton, who was up for two awards but lost out to Ant and/or Dec on both, joked: 'I remember talking to Olivia Colman last year when she said how happy she felt when she won two awards. I feel the opposite of that!' Cilla Black was honoured with a special award in recognition of her contribution to entertainment over her fifty-year career and received a standing ovation. 'I've led a charmed life, I've worked with incredible people,' she said, adding that she thanked both BAFTA and the viewers 'for making me feel so welcome.' Coronation Street won the soap and continuing drama award. The single documentary BAFTA was won by Channel Four's The Murder Trial, which filmed an entire murder case for the first time in a British court. Channel Four had a total of twenty seven nominations - the most of any single channel this year. BBC1 and BBC2 had seventeen apiece, while ITV had twelve.

Yer actual Peter Capaldi, Jenna Coleman her very self, the Lord Thy God Steven Moffat and the rest of the Doctor Who entourage have headed to Lanzarote where they are filming currently the seventh episode in the show’s eighth series. As previously announced The Doctor is returning to the Canary island for the first time since 1984's four-parter Peter Davison story Planet Of Fire. The crew have reported erected 'a huge marquee' in the South Western part of Lanzarote near the El Cuervo volcano, an alleged - though nameless, so almost certainly fictitious - local 'source' allegedly snitch to Radio Times like a dirty stinking filthy Copper's Nark. Written by Wallander's Peter Harness, the episode will be produced by Peter Bennett and will guest star Hermione Norris. 'The Doctor is returning to the scene of an old adventure – but there have been sinister changes since his last visit,' explained Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He). Planet Of Fire saw Peter Davison's Doctor investigate an alien signal on the island with his companion, Turlough (the excellent Mark Strickson). It's also well known for being the debut story featuring Nicola Bryant's character Peri and, in particular, for a bikini scene that, frankly has to be seen to be believed. They'd never get away with it in these days of political correctness gone mad. And that.

Rachel Talalay is to direct two episodes of Doctor Who. The American director has previously been behind the camera on the movies Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare and Tank Girl, as well as episodes of series like Haven, Continuum and Supernatural. She joins Paul Wilmshurst, Paul Murphy, Ben Wheatley and Douglas Mackinnon as the previously announced directors on the eighth series of the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama. Admitting that she is a fan of the show, Talalay said that she has been 'sworn to secrecy on everything to do with the storyline ... until it leaks out.' Rachel will be the first woman to direct a Doctor Who episode since 2010, when Catherine Morshead was responsible for The Lodger.

Meanwhile, here's another recent on-location photo from Mark Gatiss's Doctor Who episode which was recently completed. featuring yer actual Jenna Coleman and guest star Tom Ellis.

When asked by Radio Times this week who should win Radio Times Audience Award at the forthcoming BAFTAs, Sir David Attenborough replied: 'I've always enjoyed Doctor Who from a technical point of view. I sat in on a lot of the early discussions, during which we cooked up the programme under the aegis of Sydney Newman, who was the BBC head of drama. I remember he specified he didn't want monsters in it but the first producer, Verity Lambert, went against that and introduced The Daleks. Sydney was livid with her to start with but Verity, of course, was right.'

Not unexpectedly, bookies favourite Ping Coombes won the 2014 series of MasterChef. Ping, from Bath, cooked a three-course Malaysian-inspired meal to beat graduate Jack Lucas and robotics engineer Luke Owen in the final, after eight weeks of competition. Ping said: 'The last time I felt such emotion was when my daughter was born. Something that you don't get to experience a lot. Pure joy and pure bliss that feels incredible. My mother will be really proud I'm sure. I say this a lot but she still won't let me in her kitchen!' John Torode said: 'When I eat Ping's food, it makes me happy, it makes my heart thump. For me Ping is a cook's cook, she gets her head down and she works really, really hard to make sure she reaches her goal. She is pretty amazing.' Gregg Wallace added: 'She inspires me, she excites me. And she cares so much. Rarely have I seen someone whose repertoire can span whole continents.' According to the BBC continuity announcer at the end of the episode, MasterChef returns next year, with the annual celebrity edition in June of this year.

Masterchef's final was Friday's highest-rated show outside of soaps, attracting an average audience of 5.41 million. The hour-long finale, which aired from 8.30 to 9.30pm on BBC1, peaked with 6.28 million as the winner was announced. It was followed by Have I Got News For You, which drew an average audience of 4.49 million at 9.30pm. BBC1's evening began with 2.73 million for The ONE Show at 7pm and 2.45 million for A Question Of Sport at 7.30pm. With guests Dawn French, Kirsten Dunst and Bear Grylls, The Graham Norton Show pulled in 3.10 million viewers at 10.35pm, followed by nine hundred thousand viewers for Bad Education. With an average audience of but 2.55 million, Weekend Escapes With Warwick Davis was ITV's highest-rated show outside of soaps, narrowly outperforming a repeat of crime drama Lewis with 2.53. BBC2's evening kicked off with 1.41 million for Great British Menu at 7.30pm, followed by a slightly increased 1.47 million for The Minster at 8pm and an evening high of 1.69 million for Gardener's World at 8.30pm. The evening continued with six hundred and sixty thousand punters for The Story Of Women And Art at 9pm, while a Qi repeat entertained 1.08 million immediately after. Gogglebox once again proved a ratings success for Channel Four, attracting 2.26 million at 9pm, followed by 1.22m for Alan Carr: Chatty Man at 10pm. Elsewhere, Marvel's Agents of SHIELD played to eight hundred and thirty thousand at 8pm. Channel Five's highest-rated show was NCIS with nine hundred and forty three thousand at 9pm. It was preceded by seven hundred and forty one thousand viewers for Ice Road Trucker at 8pm and was followed by five hundred and ten thousand for NCIS: Los Angeles at 10pm. X-Men Origins: Wolverine proved popular on Film4, with five hundred and fifty seven thousand at 9pm.

Britain's Got Toilets dominated primetime with nearly 8.8 million overnight viewers on Saturday. The talent show competition attracted 8.79m from 8.15pm after its start was delayed by the extended coverage of the FA Cup Final. The football, in which The Arse came back from 2-0 down to spank Hull City 3-2 after extra time, averaged 5.35m from 3pm. So, a good night all round for ITV. Except for the risible, wretched Amazing Greys which only managed a laughably piss-poor 2.02m immediately after Britain's Got Toilets finished. On BBC1, 7pm's Pointless Celebrities took 2.87m, The National Lottery: In It To Win It earned 3.18m afterwards and The Guess List took 2.74m from 9.35pm. BBC2's Museums At Night had three hundred and eighty five thousand in the 7pm hour. Bob Larbey: A Tribute followed with five hundred and seventy one thousand, while a Comedy Connections repeat and All About The Good Life averaged seven hundred and fifty three thousand and 1.09m punters respectively. Channel Four showed repeats of The Restoration Man and Grand Designs before X-Men: First Class attracted 2.12m from 9pm. Meanwhile, two Channel Five repeat episodes of NCIS drew four hundred and ninety seven thousand and four hundred and thirty five thousand in the 8pm and 9pm slots respectively. On the multichannels the latest series of BBC4's Wallander opened with eight hundred and twelve thousand viewers from 9pm.

The BAFTA TV Awards were down around nine hundred thousand viewers from last year's broadcast, overnight data reveals. The awards ceremony attracted 5.1 million at 8pm, while Countryfile topped the evening overall with 5.7m at 7pm. On ITV, Catchphrase was watched by three million sad crushed victims of society at 6.45pm. Off Their Rockers attracted 2.9m at 7.30pm and the Vera series finale was seen by 5.2m at 8pm, followed by Perspectives with 1.6m at 10pm. Channel Four's Four Rooms attracted seven hundred and three thousand at 7pm, while For The Love Of Cars was seen by nine hundred and fifty thousand at 8pm. Fargo's latest episode appealed to a million punters at 9pm. On Channel Five, X2 had an audience of 1.1m at 7.30pm. Twenty One Jump Street attracted nine hundred and sixty five thousand at 10pm. BBC3's broadcast of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End brought in nine hundred and eighty five thousand at 7.30pm, followed by In The Flesh with three hundred and sixty seven thousand at 10pm.

This week's 'Vera location screw-up' occurred in the very first sequence on Sunday evening. The opening shot features two teams of female rowers on the Tyne heading upstream past The Sage, Gatesheed towards the Tyne Bridge. Later, they were shown having made it beyond the King Edward and Redheugh Bridges and still heading upstream towards Blaydon and Hexham. However, one aerial shot inbetween had them rowing in quite the opposite direction, downstream, on the way to Walker, Wallsend and the coast. Pfft. Amateurs! They're going in circles. They'll never make the Olympics with those sort of rowing skills. It was quite a good episode an'all - first time Robert Glenister's filmed something in Newcastle since, what Sink Or Swim series three in 1982?

Here are the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty programmes for week-ending Sunday 11 May 2014:-
1 The Eurovision Song Contest - Sat BBC1 - 8.94m
2 Britain's Got Toilets - Sat ITV - 8.45m*
3 EastEnders - Tues BBC1 - 7.66m
4 Coronation Street - Wedn ITV - 7.17m*
5 Happy Valley - Tues BBC1 - 6.62m
6 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 6.37m
7 The Crimson Field - Sun BBC1 - 6.33m
8 Vera - Sun ITV - 6.01m*
9 MasterChef - Thurs BBC1 - 5.94m
10 BBC News - Mon BBC1 - 5.85m
11 Emmerdale - Tues ITV 5.71m*
12 Prey - Mon ITV - 5.54m
13 Ten O'Clock News - Tues BBC1 - 5.40m
14 Antiques Roadshow - Sun BBC1 - 5.27m
15 Have I Got News For You - Fri BBC1 - 5.10m
16 When Odious Lard Bucket (And Drag) Corden Met Tax Alleged Avoider (And Drag) Barlow - Mon BBC1 - 4.80m
17 Six O'Clock News - Wed BBC1 - 4.65m
18 Pointless Celebrities - Sat BBC1 - 4.64m
19 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.53m
20 Pointless - Mon BBC1 - 4.22m
ITV do not appear to have supplied any figures to BARB this week for their ITV HD channel. Hence all ITV programmes are marked '*' and do not include HD figures. BBC2's top-rated programme of the week was their coverage of the World Snooker Championship final with 3.36m viewers followed by Great British Menu (2.20m) and The Big Allotment Challenge (2.11m). Channel Four's highest-rated show was, as usual, Googlebox with 3.54m. The Mentalist was Channel Five's best performer with 1.57m. Once again, E4's The Big Bang Theory topped two million viewrs (2.02m) more than anything Channel Five pulled in all week. Sky Atlantic's Game Of Thrones (1.64m) also surpassed the final and consolidated audiences for all programmes on the fifth terrestrial channel. Credit should also, once again, be given to MasterChef where all three episodes of the week topped five and a half million viewers (5.94m, 5.75m and 5.56m).

Filming on the next, twelfth - 'L' - series of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved Qi began on 6 May with an episode entitled Luck & Losing featuring guests national treasure Danny Baker, Danish pastry Sandi Toksvig and yer actual Jezza Clarkson. Bet that'll have pissed off a bunch of rent-a-gob middle-class hippie Communist lice at the Gruniad Morning Star and the Daily Mirra. What a shame, eh? Subsequent episodes filmed over the following couple of weeks includes Lethal, which also featured Toksvig along with Bill Bailey and Jason Manford, Long-Lost with Jimmy Carr and first timers Claudia O'Doherty and Madness singer Suggsy, L-Animal featuring Aussie comedian Colin Lane along with North East pairing of wor geet canny Sarah Millican and big Ross Noble. Colin Lane also features in episode five - title as yet unknown - along with David Mitchell and Jo Brand whilst the sixth episode into production, Ladies & Gentlemen, has guests Ross Noble, Sue Perkins and the author Kathy Lette. Lots of Australians appearing on Qi these days, you might have noticed, dear blog reader. Well, it is very popular down under after all. A further ten episodes will be film over the course of the next three weeks with production concluding on 10 June. Transmission is expected to begin in the autumn.

Sherlock has become a hit in China – despite being banned there, reports the Daily Mirra. The third series of the drama –has attracted an alleged sixty nine million viewers on video websites. In Britain over twelve million people tuned into the first episode of the series. The knobcheese Communist ­government's censors have banned the drama from the Chinese Central ­Television network and other major channels. An alleged 'source' allegedly in China allegedly said: 'Mycroft Holmes, Sherlock's older brother, is a dodgy government official and that's probably too close to home for the Communist Party of China. Chinese dramas are dull compared to UK ones. That's why they're so popular and people watch them over the Internet.' Earlier this month BBC and other UK TV executives flew to China, which has a ­population of 1.35 billion people, to discuss the ­distribution of other British shows. But many of the most popular are considered too risqué for Chinese TV. BBC2's historical drama Peaky Blinders, BBC1's The White Queen and E4's Telefantasy drama Misfits, are all web hits with the Chinese. Shows based on UK programmes which are not banned are also popular. The Chinese version of The X Factor pulled in one hundred and twelve million viewers and over one hundred million also tuned in to watch a Chinese version of The Voice.

Weeds actress Elizabeth Perkins has joined the cast of BBC2's upcoming drama One Child. Game of Thrones actor Donald Sumpter will also appear in the Guy Hibbert project, which has recently begun shooting in London and Hong Kong. Katie Leung will lead the cast of the drama as Mei, who is adopted by Anglo-American parents and sets out to find out more about her original home. Perkins and Sumpter will play Mei's adoptive American mother and British father. Mei returns to her birthplace of Guangzhou after her birth mother Liu (Mardy Ma) seeks her help in saving her son Ajun (Sebastion So). The two-part, ninety-minute drama will be directed by John Alexander - who so impressed with last year's The 7:39 - and will be broadcast on BBC2 later this year. Elizabeth Perkins is best known for her movie roles in Big, The Flintstones, Miracle on Thirty Fourth Street and for the Showtime drama Weeds. Veteran actor Sumpter recently starred as Maester Luwin in Game Of Thrones and counts The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, [spooks] and Eastern Promises on his CV.

As previously announced, David Threlfall is to star in a new two-part ITV drama. Code Of A Killer will be based on the true story of Alec Jeffreys's discovery of DNA fingerprinting and its first use by detective David Baker. It will be centred around Jeffreys's findings and Baker's investigation into catching a double murderer using the new science. Shameless star Threlfall, most recently seen in the Tommy Cooper biopic Not Like That, Like This will play Baker, who led the 1984 investigation into the murders of the Leicestershire schoolgirls Lynda Mann and Dawn Ashworth. In real life, Baker approached Jeffreys to use his new scientific technique of reading people's DNA fingerprints in order to solve the murders. Michael Crompton has written the drama, which will be directed by Broadchurch's James Strong. The series has been developed with input from both Sir Alec Jeffreys and former Detective Chief Superintendent David Baker.

And so to the next batch of yer actual Top Telly Tips:-

Saturday 24 May
The son of a coach-maker with a highly developed sense of the macabre, Jacobean dramatist John Webster's life was shadowy and his plays were darkly imagined. His story is told in The Mysterious Mr Webster - 7:00 BBC2. Webster's masterpiece The Duchess of Malfi is a Gothic tale of forbidden love, intrigue, betrayal and murder, and was the most frequently performed play of the period which was not written by Webster's near-contemporary William Shakespeare. In fascinating looking this documentary, Professor James Shapiro goes in search of the mysterious man behind the play, piecing together the fragments of Webster's life from obscure historical references and exploring how he came to write The Duchess of Malfi just at the moment when the Jacobeans were inventing modern indoor theatre. Featuring contributions by Gemma Arterton, who plays the title role in The Globe's candlelit production, which can be seen on BBC4 on Sunday.

ITV's - wretched, as always - coverage of the Champions League concludes tonight with the final, Real Madrid against Atletico Madrid (kick-off 7.45pm). So, not of all that much interested to anyone outside of the Spanish capital one might suppose. The showpiece game comes from the Estadio da Luz in Lisbon (thankfully, not the one in Sunderland), where European club football's premier competition will be won and lost. By a team from Madrid, of that yer actual Keith Telly Topping can be totally confident. This is the first time that the fixture has been played between two clubs from the same city and Atletico - who've just won the Spanish league for the first time since 1996 - would love nothing more than to prevent their great rivals from winning the trophy for the tenth time, having been a revelation this season under coach Diego Simeone. Real have beaten German opposition in all three rounds of the knockout stage, while Atletico ended Moscow Chelski's chances with at Torpedo Stamford Bridge in the semi-finals. Odious grumpy greed bucket, horrorshow (and drag) Adrian Chiles presents, with (tripe, as always) commentary by Clive Tyldesley and complete waste-of-oxygen Andy Townsend, and - virtually unintelligable, and pointless - contributions from Steven Gerrard, Roy Keane and Lee Dixon. Subsequent programmes subject to change if it goes to extra time and/or penalties.

An eight-year-old girl goes missing on her way to school, and suspicion immediately falls upon her mother and father, who are locked in a bitter custody battle in the latest episode of Wallander - 9:00 BBC4. However, both of the child's parents appear to have airtight alibis and appear equally distraught over young Ella's disappearance. However, a sinister link to the past is established when Kurt Wallander realises this case bears a remarkable similarity to one from ten years ago. Imported Swedish crime drama with English subtitles, starring Krister Henriksson.

When a man's charred remains are found after an explosion, Christopher Foyle's investigations lead him to a top secret intelligence organisation in a repeat of one of the most memorable episodes of Foyle's War, The French Drop - 9:00 ITV3. With murder and deception rife among its members, the race is on to find out the truth, but the detective's discoveries threaten his future career. Starring, as usual, the great Michael Kitchen and Honeysuckle Weeks, with guests Angela Thorne, Ronald Pickup and Samuel West.

Sunday 25 May
Quirke - 9:00 BBC1 - is a new - rather decent-looking - period crime drama set in 1950s Dublin, starring Gabriel Byrne as the city's chief pathologist. Quirke - first name, like Morse or Madonna, seemingly not revealed - is surprised to find his adoptive brother, Malachy, an obstetric consultant, meddling in the case of a recently deceased young woman. So he performs a full post-mortem on her corpse. With no love lost between the men, Quirke is determined to call his relative to account, if necessary - but as he digs deeper he threatens to uncover a long-buried secret which should, perhaps, have been left untold. Michael Gambon, Nick Dunning and Geraldine Somerville co-star.

In Harry & Paul's Story Of The Twos - 9:00 BBC2 - yer actual Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse his very self take an irreverent - and not entirely accurate - look at the history of BBC2, romping through the channel's highs and lows. The programme revisits and parodies around fifty different shows, including The Office, Boys From The Blackstuff, Arena, The Old Grey Whistle Test and The Apprentice, with one hundred and fifty presenters, actors, comedians and politicians being portrayed by Harry, Paul and friends. With appearances by Jeff Beck, Klaxons, up-his-own-arse middle-class wanker Damon Albarn and the divine Goddess that is Chrissie Hynde. Will we see a return to Clarkson Island, the best island ... in the world? Tune in to find out.

A serial killer begins targeting members of a religious group which claims to provide guidance for lost souls in an especially memorable repeated episode of Lewis - 10:00 ITV3 - Life Born of Fire. As the investigation proceeds, it becomes clear that James Hathaway, who once trained for the priesthood himself and was a childhood friend of the first victim, knows more about the case than he is willing to reveal - causing Robbie Lewis to consider his own sergeant as a suspect. Of course, he never done it. Mad crazy (sex-change) Rachael Stirling did. Just in case you haven't seen this one before. Guest starring Ian McNeice, Chike Okonkwo and Deborah Finlay alongside the regulars Kevin Whately, Laurence Fox, Clare Holman and Rebecca Front.

Tyrion enlists an unlikely ally, while Daario entreats Daenerys to allow him to do what he does best in the latest episode of Games Of Thrones - 9:00 Sky Atlantic. Jon's warnings about The Wall's vulnerability fall on deaf ears, while Brienne follows a new lead as she continues her mission with Pod to track down the Stark girls. Meanwhile Toby Gruntsplatter, chief Snotgobbler to The King, ventures forth unto The Fields Of Zigtwattering thence to face The Glakes. No, probably not, but you can never be too sure with Game Of Thrones whether you're going to get dragon sodomy, post-apocalyptic zombie nightmare or sitcom jiggery-pokery. It's that sort of show, frankly. Fantasy drama, starring Peter Dinklage, Kit Harington and Emilia Clarke among a cast of thousands.

Monday 26 May
Tonight sees the second of two new editions of The Fast Show - 9:00 BBC2 - to mark fifty years of BBC2 and the legendary comedy sketch show's twentieth anniversary. In this, Swiss Toni holds forth on the subject of bicycles, TV station Channel Nine attempts to fit three hours of news into thirty seconds, and committed eco warrior Dave Angel is not at all happy about the breakfast arrangements on his recent environmental summit in Helsinki. Bob Fleming and Jed Thomas emulate Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon as they embark on their own version of The Trip. Starring, of course, Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, John Thomson, Simon Day, Arabella Weir and Caroline Aherne.

The Timeshift documentary Mods, Rockers And Bank Holiday Mayhem - 9:00 BBC4 - recalls events which occurred fifty years ago this bank holiday weekend, when large groups of young people who identified with the two subcultures descended upon seaside resorts on motorbikes and mopeds - sparking violent confrontations. And the rockers got a reet cush kickin', with kids getting sparked and all sorts. The programme considers how their repeated clashes created widespread moral panic about the state of British youth, the notion of which was undergoing a vast transformation due to greater prosperity and freedom. And that.

What The Dambusters Did Next - 9:00 Channel Five - is a documentary combining testimony from veterans, original archive footage, expert views and dramatic reconstructions to examine the missions undertaken by the RAF's Six One Seven Squadron after the famous May 1943 raids on the Ruhr and Eder valleys, which were immortalised in the movie The Dam Busters. Retired RAF navigator John Nichol delves into the records of the National Archives and finds a treasure trove of fascinating tales, including an account of the night-time bombing of the vital Dortmund-Ems canal, during which the men ended up flying through a ferocious barrage of flak. One one thing that you can absolutely guarantee is that there will be no reference whatsoever to the name of Wing Commander Guy Gibson's dog. Oh no, not bloody likely. Very hot water.

Tuesday 27 May
Last year, thirty eight million whinges were lodged against corporations in the UK - most of them from people with, seemingly, nothing better to do with their time (this blogger very much included). As the public's expectations of customer service rise and, thanks to the Internet, it becomes easier to have your whinges heard by more and more people, companies are finding new ways of handling grievances rather than telling the whingers to piss off and take their custom elsewhere. The Complainers - 9:00 Channel Four - tells the stories of the back-and-forth between some of the nation's most persistent whingers and the businesses and councils that deal with their alleged 'issues'. In the first episode, staff at Transport for London deal with a cyclist who deploys a strange array of tools to defend his position on the road.

With her colleagues busy searching for a naughty killer who has fashioned a victim's skull into a beehive, Beverly probes deeper into the mural case, consulting secretly with the still incarcerated Will Graham, who insists the creator of the mural was murdered by Doctor Lecter in the latest episode of Hannibal - 10:00 Sky Living. The gifted criminal profiler urges his old colleague to be his eyes and ears in the outside world, but a new lead sets her on a dangerous - and ultimately deadly - path. Guest starring Amanda Plummer.

Chris Packham, Martin Hughes-Games and Michaela Strachan have the latest news on events at the RSPB's Minsmere nature reserve in Suffolk, going in search of the secretive bittern in the second episode of Springwatch - 8:00 BBC2. In a special report, Chris is in West Africa to catch up with migrating cuckoos and to mark the tenth anniversary of Springwatch, former presenter Bill Oddie (who used to be funny thirty odd years ago) returns to reflect on how the UK's wildlife has fared over the past decade. And, absolutely no reference will be made to the circumstances under which hippie Communist Bill was given the old tin-tack after 'The Brownsea Incident'. Once again, very hot water.

Welcome To Rio - 9:00 BBC2 - is a series charting the lives of people living in the Brazilian city's favelas as the government launches a military campaign to wrest control of these shanty towns from drug gangs as part of the preparations for next month's football World Cup and, following that, the 2016 Olympics. The first episode follows residents of Cantagalo, including Rocky, a delivery man who works every day to support his family, while also dealing with his wayward son, Felipe, who is caught up in the battle between the police and drug traffickers, while graffiti artist Acme has been told his house must be demolished after being declared unsafe.

Wednesday 28 May
Coast Australia continues - 9:10 BBC2. The latest episode sees the team exploring The Great Barrier Reef, with Scottish Neil Oliver (and his lovely hair) finding out about a bloody tale of cultural misunderstanding on the idyllic Lizard Island. Meanwhile, Brendan Moar uncovers the living - and very embarrassing - history of Australia's hidden slave trade, Xanthe Mallett dives into a spectacular sunken wreck in search of answers about its calamitous sinking and Tim Flannery is granted rare access to a scientific research zone to examine the coral history there. At the Southern end of the reef, Emma Johnston heads underwater with Google to take a series of images of the reef into homes around the world. For everyone who uses Google for anything other than searching out porn.

With armour-plated killing machine Jack Bauer temporarily out of action, Chloe O'Brian and Kate Morgan join forces to prevent the impending attack on London in the latest tool stiffeningly violent episode of 24 - 9:00 Sky1. Will it be a case of too little, too late? Meanwhile, Margot makes her demands, urging President Heller to surrender himself to her. Kiefer Sutherland, Yvonne Strahovski, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Willian Devane and Michelle Fairley star with Stephen Fry appearing as the British Prime Minister. Oh, if only ...

When a TV personality is killed, the Jeffersonian team goes behind the scenes for clues and investigates his private life in Bones - 9:00 Sky Living. Meanwhile, Brennan and Booth clash over plans for baby Christine's first birthday, and Edison puts Cam, Angela and Jack Hodgins in an awkward position when he asks them to provide feedback on his book.

Thursday 29 May
Almost a year has passed since Daniel started leading a double life, and with Joanne preparing to give birth, Robbo cannot understand how his brother can lie to his loved ones so easily in the second episode of From There To Here - 9:00 BBC1. Daniel uses his brush with death the previous May to justify his deceit, claiming that ever since, one life simply hasn't been enough. Robbo has concerns of his own as a mysterious bouncer turns up at his new club, Claire is proud of daughter Louise who is standing in the general election, and Charlie forges ahead with his plans for the family business. Drama with Philip Glenister, Bernard Hill, Steven Mackintosh, Saskia Reeves, Liz White, Morven Christie and Daniel Rigby. And, there's a very good interview with From There To Here wrtier Petere Bowker in the Gruniad which is highly recommended.

Paul Burnett - remember him? - presents an edition of Top Of The Pops - 7:30 BBC4 - from 31 May 1979, with performances by Quantum Jump (featuring extremely politically incorrect lyrics that you'd never get away with these days: To wit 'Maybe masked man he a pooftah/try it on with surly tonto'), Chas & Dave, Sparks (aw, yeah), Fischer-Z, Peaches & Herb, Voyager, Blondie and Hot Chocolate. Plus, dance sequences by Legs & Co.

In Cars That Rock with Brian Johnson - 9:00 Quest - the AC/DC frontman travels to Italy, where he uncovers the history of Lamborghini cars. Just in case you thought it was about something else.

In the summer of 1586, a group of Catholic militants hatched a plot to kill Elizabeth I and install her cousin Mary Stuart on the English throne, a story told in The Spy Who Brought Down Mary, Queen of Scots - 8:00 Channel Five. With the aid of dramatised scenes and interviews with leading historians, this documentary tells the story of how the queen's spymaster Sir Francis Walsingham mounted an operation to foil the conspirators. The programme also looks at the role of Anthony Babington, the writer of a coded letter informing Mary of the plans that was intercepted by Walsingham's men.

Friday 30 May
Alexander Armstrong takes time out from his Pointless gig to host the BBC's topical news quiz Have I Got News For You - 9:00 BBC1. Broadcaster, presenter, poker genius and stone cold fox Victoria Coren Mitchell and actor-comedian Joe Wilkinson join regular team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton to demonstrate their knowledge of recent news stories, which will no doubt include a less-than-serious look back at last week's European elections. Last in the current series.

In the final episode of The Story Of Women & Art - 9:00 BBC2 - Amanda Vickery explores the explosion of creative opportunities that opened up in the years spanning the Mid-Nineteenth Century to the 1950s, a time when Western women were demanding ever-increasing roles across society. Amanada travels to London, Paris, the remote Swedish countryside and the bleak desert landscape of New Mexico to examine how female artists found the strength to push the boundaries of art even further, looking at the work of Elizabeth Butler, Gertrude Jekyll, Karin Larsson, Madeleine Vionnet and Georgia O'Keeffe.

A young boy's body is discovered in a warehouse, in circumstances which could point to either suicide or murder in another classic repeat of yer actual Wire In The Blood -10:00 ITV3. Tony Hill takes on the case when Carol Jordan is injured during an attempted mugging - and two more children's corpses are soon discovered. Psychological thriller, starring Wor Geet Canny Robson Green and Hermione Norris, with Mark Letheren and Emma Handy.

And, so to the news and that.

Channel Four has denied claims it has faked aspects of The Island With Bear Grylls. The programme sees thirteen men attempt to survive life on an island in the Pacific with limited tools and water. Producers have been accused - albeit, not by anyone that actually matters - of topping (or, even telly topping_ up the island's natural water supply and releasing two crocodiles onto the island as a source of food. Four of the contestants are also thought to have previously worked with Grylls on other projects. Cameraman and production crew member Dan Etheridge worked on the Discovery Channel's Man Vs Wild, while director Rupert Smith previously worked with Grylls on 2011's Escape To The Legion. Denying any wrongdoing, a Channel Four spokesperson said: 'It clearly states in the programme voice over that trained crew are part of the experiment, living under exactly the same conditions as the other men. Like all of the men on the island, their professions are captioned on screen and their backgrounds are discussed. Biographies are also on the Channel Four website. We had to ensure the island's only water supply, an existing muddy pool, would last through filming in the dry season and that there was enough native animals and native vegetation that could sustain the men for twenty eight days – as long as they had the ingenuity to find it, catch it and kill it. This is made clear in the voiceover of the programmes.'

BBC1 has announced a one-off programme featuring motorists with poor driving skills. So You Think You Can Drive will see worthless baldy waste-of-space chebend Dom Littlewood and Cherry Healey help change the habits of two drivers, who are putting themselves and others in danger. And, doing so on national television into the bargain. Two drivers will have been nominated by their family and friends, before completing a special driver training course. The show will also explore a police unit specialising in the causes of serious road incidents, and the science behind bad driving. BBC1's Head of Commissioning Factual, Alison Kirkham, said: 'Viewers have always found bad driving on television an interesting and amusing subject to watch and while I hope this show will sometimes make the audience smile, it will also spotlight some of the very real dangers of bad driving and make us more aware of our terrible habits.' Helen Veale, Creative Director at Outline Productions, added: 'Driving is something everyone can relate to, and if we're honest with ourselves there are things we all do behind the wheel that we shouldn't. This format brings to the screen a whole wealth of great information that could make us all safer drivers, but it does it in way that is as entertaining as it is informative. It's fantastic to be making a new show for primetime BBC1 and we're delighted to have such great talent as Dom and Cherry at the heart of it.' The hour-long 'special' - and this blogger uses that word quite wrongly - will be broadcast later in 2014. Car crash telly, anyone?

The greatest sitcom writers the world has ever seen, Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais, have been visiting London recently from their Hollywood gaffs to plug UK GOLD's new celebrations for the fortieth anniversary of Porridge, which broadcasts from next Wednesday. But the best story they told the press at a launch event actually involved another of their great successes, Auf Wiedersehen, Pet. For the show about Geordie brickes forced to work in Germany due to the dire state of the construction industry in Thatcher's Britain they had a consultant, one Mick Connell, a bricklayer with a slightly colourful past who had experience of working abroad, whom they would call from Los Angeles. Connell, however, did not have a telephone at his Stockton home and this was long before the days of widespread use of mobile phones, so Dick and Ian had an arrangement by which they would call him at a phonebox at the end of his road – normally around 11pm because of the time differences between California and the UK. One night Connell was loitering around outside the box when he attracted the attention of a couple of local bobbies – who knew him from his previous nefarious skulduggery. The officers asked: 'What are you doing hanging around here, Mick?' He said in his deadpan Teesside accent: 'I'm waiting for a call from Hollywood.' The officers were just about to haul his ass off for loitering with intent when the phone rang. From Hollywood. A situation worthy of a place in a Dick Clement and Ian la Frenias script, frankly.

Kylie Minogue has not ruled out returning to The Voice in series five. Kylie quit the BBC's talent show after one season on the judging panel, citing touring commitments. But, she told Alan Carr: Chatty Man that she could return after a year off. Asked by Carr about any potential return, Kylie Kylie sweet and smiley said: 'Not next season. I'll know that I'll miss it. When the next series comes around, I'll be watching like all of you guys.' Carr replied: 'So your tour finishes in November. What if the BBC jiggled around some filming dates? They did it for Jessie J, they could do it for you.' Kylie replied: 'I just can't go back next season as I am on tour, but the season after that. It's an open book. Let's see.'

Comedy line of the week came, unusually from Twitter and the furious fingers of Mad Frankie Boyle, after David Cameron had previously tweeted his support of the - very worthwhile - Bring Back Our Girls campaign. The comic replied: 'David Cameron. You left your daughter in a pub.' Funny and factual.

The great and the good of the BBC and the political world turned out in force to celebrate the life of the corporation's legendary political editor John Cole on Thursday at St Bride's Church on Fleet Street. They included Huw Edwards and John Sergeant – both of whom gave addresses – Jon Sopel and corporation newcomer James Harding. Music included Ode To Joy and West Ham anthem 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles'. BBC Director General Tony Hall did a reading from the Book Of Revelation which included the verses: 'And he that sat upon the throne said, behold I make all things new. And he said unto me, write: for these words are true and faithful. And he said unto me, it is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.'

Phill Jupitas is to join John Lloyd as co-host of the next series of Radio 4's The Museum Of Curiosity, taking over from Humphrey Ker. Other comics who have previously taken the curator's role include Bill Bailey, Sean Lock, Jimmy Carr, David Mitchell and Jon Richardson.

Panorama editor Tom Giles is to leave the flagship BBC1 current affairs series after four years at the helm. It is understood that Giles is to be charged with a new role designing the future of current affairs at the BBC. The news comes just a fortnight after Panorama hit the headlines with its exposé of care homes in Essex and former Tory MP Patrick Mercer resigned his commons seat following a Panorama investigation. Notable programmes during Giles's tenure include Undercover Care: The Abuse Exposed, which won a BAFTA for its horrific account of the abuse of vulnerable young patients at a private hospital near Bristol, and FIFA's Dirty Secrets, controversially broadcast three days before the football governing body's vote on the staging of the 2018 World Cup. Panorama also investigated its sister BBC2 news programme, Newsnight, at the height of the Jimmy Savile fiasco over the decision not to broadcast a Newsnight Savile piece and aired a much-delayed investigation into charities including Comic Relief last year. An alleged 'source' allegedly paid alleged tribute to Giles, allegedly telling the Gruniad Morning Star that Giles had 'not been afraid to challenge the powers that be' and describing him as 'a courageous and dedicated seeker after truth.' Despite alleged pressure from some senior executives, Panorama turned its spotlight on the corporation itself during the Savile fiasco. Giles also ditched the introductions by Jeremy Vine that were brought in when Peter Fincham, then controller of BBC1, moved Panorama from Sunday to Monday in 2007. However, it has not all been plain sailing for Giles. There have been budget and staff cuts on the programme and he faced the controversy over reporter John Sweeney's undercover trip to North Korea for the programme, which was criticised by the BBC Trust for breaching some editorial guidelines. The Trust said last month in its review of the BBC's news and current affairs output that Panorama 'can do more to increase the impact' of the flagship current affairs series. However, veteran film-maker Roger Graef dedicated a speech at BAFTA on Monday to Giles and defended Panorama, saying that 'contrary' to the BBC Trust report the programme 'does take risks' and should not be 'under increasing pressure to boost ratings.' The respected chairman of Films of Record pointed out that 'the average Panorama is 2.3 million or 2.4 million – that equals all the broadsheets put together and more.' There has been speculation that Giles could leave the BBC to join an independent production company but alleged 'insiders' said, at least according to the Gruniad, that he he was staying with the corporation. One alleged 'source' allegedly snitched to the Gruniad that BBC head of news programme Ceri Thomas – a former editor of Radio 4's Today – as a contender to replace Giles.

Rebecca Front is releasing a book of autobiographical stories. Curious: True Stories and Loose Connections will be published on 12 June by W&N and is the first book from The Thick Of It, Psychobitches and The Day Today comedienne and actress. The critic and journalist Caitlin Moran has already offered her endorsement to Rebecca's efforts, tweeting: 'I've read it. It's ace.'

Question Time will be broadcast from Heathrow Terminal 2 at the end of this month. BBC1's political debate programme will showcase the newly-rebuilt airport terminal on 29 May, ahead of its official opening. 'The new Heathrow Terminal 2 will be a spectacular setting for Question Time,' said editor Nicolai Gentchev. 'We are looking forward to going to a huge workplace through which millions of people will travel.' The show, hosted by David Dimbleby, has recently been broadcast from historic venues including St Paul's Cathedral and Westminster Hall in Parliament. 'Whether we are in Wormwood Scrubs prison, Winchester Cathedral, or in theatres, schools or community halls, we will continue to take Question Time and its audience to diverse places that reflect the range of debate on the programme,' said Gentchev. The show is broadcast every Thursday on BBC1 and BBC Radio 5Live and features guests from the worlds of politics and the media responding to questions posed by members of the public. The new Terminal 2, designed by Spanish architect Luis Vidal, has taken five years to complete. At its centre stands British artist Richard Wilson's massive aluminium sculpture, Slipstream, which was unveiled last month.

Security plans for Princess Diana's home in Kensington palace and other internal police documents were found at the home of the former royal editor of the Scum of the World, a jury has been told. The sensitive palace plans including a map, floor plans for apartments and details of where police units were to be deployed and stationed in the event of an incident, the hacking trial at the Old Bailey was told. The documents were seized by police when they searched the home of tClive Goodman in 2006 on suspicion of phone-hacking. They were produced at the trial by the lead prosecutor Andrew Edis QC, who challenged the former journalist about his claim earlier on Friday that he had 'no police sources.' Goodman claimed that he had 'exaggerated' to his editor when he e-mailed him asking for cash payment for a policeman in exchange for a confidential palace phone book. Edis asked: 'You never had any police sources?' Goodman replied that he did not. Edis asked: 'Paid or unpaid?' Goodman said: 'I would have spoken to Scotland Yard's press bureau. I don't think that counts as a source.' Edis then asked if Goodman was claiming that he 'never had any police source?' Goodman said this was correct. Asked, ion that case, from whence he obtained the security plans for Princess Diana's home, Goodman replied: 'I think this surfaced when the Princess of Wales's apartments were being mothballed after her death.' He said that he believed they had been 'found with some thrown out furniture.' By whom, asked Edis. Goodman responded: 'By the people who brought it to us.' Goodman has not been charged with hacking offences in the current trial, but has been charged with conspiring to cause misconduct in public office over alleged payments to police for the royal directories. Other documents found at Goodman's house included a custody record and a photo document about a man who had been 'stopped near a restaurant bothering the late Princess Diana.' Goodman claims that the documents came from 'someone on the newsdesk.' He said that he 'didn't ask where they had come from' because he would 'not have got an answer.' Goodman denies all charges against them. The trial extremely continues.

Convicted kiddie fiddler Stuart Hall has been cleared of raping two girls. Hall was found not guilty of fifteen charges of rape and four counts of indecent assault by a jury at Preston Crown Court. He was accused of abusing the girls from the age of twelve between 1976 and 1981. Jurors found the dirty scallywag extremely guilty of one count of indecent assault. The former It's A Knockout presenter and jailed sex offender said that the sex was consensual 'apart from one occasion' which 'never happened.' At the beginning of the trial he had admitted indecently assaulting one woman when she was aged thirteen. The jury reached a majority decision that he was guilty of one further indecent assault against the same woman. Hall showed no reaction as the jury of eight women and four men delivered the verdicts after more than seven hours of deliberation. He mouthed 'thank you' to the jurors as he was led away to the cells to continue serving his sentence for earlier offences. A Crown Prosecution Service spokesman said: 'The jury has listened to all the evidence from the prosecution and defence and we of course respect the verdicts they have reached.' Dirty old scallywag and rotten rotter Hall is currently serving a thirty-month jail term after he pleaded extremely guilty to indecently assaulting thirteen other girls, one as young as nine. The abuse occurred between 1967 and 1985.

Aaron Ramsey's extra-time winner ensured The Arse ended their nine-year wait for a trophy as they came from two goals behind to beat Hull City in a dramatic FA Cup Final at Wembley. The Gunners started as firm favourites but were set back on their heels as early goals from James Chester and Curtis Davies gave Hull a flying start inside the first eight minutes. Santi Cazorla's free-kick put The Arse back in contention before half-time and Laurent Koscielny scrambled in the equaliser after seventy one minutes. And as The Arse looked the stronger team in extra time, Ramsey, whose absence through injury hit them hard in the latter part of the season, completed the comeback with an instinctive strike with eleven minutes of the extra period left. It left Hull manager Steve bruce with a sour face that looked like he'd just sat on a thistle. Which, let's face it, is always funny. Hull, many of who's supporters had loudly whinged big-style(e) about pre-match press reports that The Arse had already arranged an open-topped bus tour of North London to parade the trophy and strut about like they owned the place for Sunday were left to troop off back to Humberside with nothing but memories and a handful of runners-up medals.

Investments made by a host of extremely rich sports stars are now reportedly being 'very closely scrutinised' by Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs with a probe launched into big investments. Mind you, this is according to the Daily Lies so, you know, treat this with about as much credulity as the same newspaper's infamous - and completely made-up - 2003 report that Holly Valance was 'in talks' to replace Sarah Michelle Gellar in Buffy The Vampire Slayer. The Scum's Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs are among those pouring vast sums of money into Waverton Property Limited Liability Partnership, according to the Lies. Golf superstar Rory McIlroy and soon-to-be-former West Ham manager Big Fat Sam Allardyce are also involved in the property scheme, the paper claims. Waverton Property's assets are listed at around seventy five million smackers from a total of one hundred and forty five million quid understood to have been raised to create a data centre from a warehouse in Birmingham. The Lies's report says The Business Premises Renovation Allowance is being 'scrutinised' as part of a Government crackdown on tax loopholes, with Waverton among a number of property schemes under investigation.

Sir Bradley Wiggins held on to his thirty-second lead in the Tour Of California after Peter Sagan sprinted to the stage seven win. Cannondale's Sagan powered away from BMC's Thor Hushovd in the final metres of the one hundred and forty three kilometre route from Santa Clarita to Pasadena. Wiggins, the 2012 Tour De France winner and Olympic champion, finished safely in the main pelaton. The thirty four-year-old now keeps the yellow jersey for Sunday's final stage around Thousand Oaks. King of the Mods Sir Brad, seeking a first win since last September in the Tour Of Britain, said that he was pleased to have negotiated the tricky route on Saturday and all eyes would be on nearest challenger Rohan Dennis in the 122.4km finale. 'It was pretty fast on the descent. I was thinking "a puncture now and it could be over", so I couldn't relax until I'd crossed that line, especially with the speed we were going,' said Wiggo. 'We'll continue to do the same thing and keep an eye on the Garmin guys, as we've been doing every day. If we do that, I'm sure we'll be alright.' The eighth and final stage comprises three laps of a circuit which features a short, sharp climb followed by a speedy and technical descent before a sprint finish.

The latest Star Wars film franchise has begun shooting, production company Bad Robot has announced on Twitter. The company, founded by the movie's director, JJ Abrams, tweeted a picture of a branded clapper board with the hashtag 'Day One.' A dusting of sand on the picture appears to confirm initial scenes are being shot in Abu Dhabi. On Wednesday, actor Oscar Isaac told BBC Radio 4's Front Row that production was due to start this month. He said: 'The whole process is under way. We're shooting in the studios here in London.' Isaac was one of the new cast members announced for the film in April, alongside Daisy Ridley and John Boyega. Little is known about Isaac's role in Star Wars: Episode VII, and the actor admitted that he was 'under strict orders' not to reveal details. However he spoke about being cast in the movie by director JJ Abrams, saying he had been called to a meeting in Paris earlier this year. Once Abrams confirmed the meeting was about Star Wars, Isaac said he 'tried to play it cool - but, I mean, it was clear I was just so excited he wanted me to be a part of the whole thing.' The film will be the first Star Wars title released by Disney, after creator George Lucas sold the rights to the franchise in 2012. It will also see the return of the three principal actors from the original trilogy - Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford.

And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader. Which is appropriate.