W Is For Wibbly-Wobbly

The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has confirmed that Doctor Who ninth series - ie. the one after the one which is currently filming - will 'definitely' be broadcast in 2015 and will avoid being split in two as with previous series. 'We're not going to do splits [in series eight], and the same format will repeat exactly the following year like that – so it will be the traditional form,' The Moffinator told Doctor Who Magazine.

The terrific Life, Doctor Who and Combom website - a particular favourite of yer actual Keith Telly Topping - has revealed a series of screengrabs and a short video from recent location filming on Doctor Who's forthcoming eighth series. Which you can check out here. These reveal our first sight of Peter Capaldi his very self wearing a (rather fetching) dark pink lab coat, a glimpse of his sonic screwdriver (which looks very much like Matt Smith's) and a new monster (reportedly being played by Jimmy Vee). The claim that the episode is to be called Robots Of Sherwood is, as yet, unconfirmed. Mangled and badly written versions of broadly the same story have also appeared in the Daily Lies, the Daily Scum Express and the Metro.

Some very sad news now; the excellent Hebburn has been cancelled by BBC2. The acclaimed comedy will not return for a third series, its creator Jason Cook has confirmed. In a - very dignified and praiseworthy - statement, Jason said: 'Just so everyone knows, the BBC will not be renewing Hebburn for a third series. We've had such a great time making series one and two and I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing us to do this. The team that made Hebburn were so committed to it and those both in front of and behind the camera were what made Hebburn so special.' The sitcom was first shown on BBC2 in October 2012 and followed  the story of Jack Pearson (Chris Ramsey), a local boy who returns to his home town with a new girlfriend - secretly his wife - in tow. It was proper good, an'aal with a quality ensemble cast and some fine scripts. Of course, elements of the London-based media never liked it. Largely because it featured people from north of Watford. And, whilst it is sad news - particular for two good friends of yer actual who were part of the cast - to be fair, at least we got thirteen (great) episodes of Hebburn; that's one more than Fawlty Towers had! I think Jason's (public) reaction to the news is tremendously dignified, not having a go at the Beeb for cancelling it but thanking them for commissioning it in the first place and for letting it run two series. A few full-of-their-own-importance BBC3 types - yes, you 'very popular with students' - could learn a thing or two from that.

The Widower came out on top in Monday's overnight ratings outside of soaps. Reece Shearsmith's ITV drama climbed by over one hundred thousand viewers from the previous week to 5.15 million at 9pm. Earlier, I Never Knew That About Britain was watched by 3.24m at 8pm. On BBC1, Bang Goes The Theory had an audience of 3.35m at 7.30pm, followed by Panorama with 2.53m at 8.30pm. Silk's latest episode dipped by around one hundred thousand overnight viewers to 3.81m at 9pm, while The Michael McIntyre Chat Show dropped a further three hundred thousand to a pitiful 1.77m at 10.35pm. Back to the drawing board in terms of looking for somebody to host a chat show for the Beeb, by the look of things. BBC2's University Challenge was watched by 3.02m at 8pm, followed by Mary Berry Cooks with 2.73m at 8.30pm. The documentary The Plantagenets continued with 1.64m at 9pm, while the return of Rev for a very welcome new series brought in 1.53m at 10pm. On Channel Four, Shop Secrets appealed to nine hundred and sixty six thousand at 8pm. One Born Every Minute brought in 1.63m at 9pm and Eight Out Of Ten Cats had nine hundred and fifty two thousand at 10pm. Channel Five's Police Interceptors attracted 1.05m at 8pm, followed by My Spiral Into Debt Hell with eight hundred and thirty seven thousand at 9pm. On BBC3, the second part of Life And Death Row was seen by nine hundred and ten thousand at 9pm.

Mr Selfridge achieved its best overnight ratings since its second series premiere on Sunday. The ITV period drama's series finale attracted 4.64 million at 9pm, up one hundred thousand punters from last week. Earlier, Catchphrase was watched by 3.70 million who said what they saw at 7pm and Prince Harry's South Pole Heroes gathered 3.20m at 8pm. On BBC1, Countryfile topped the evening overall, caning the opposition's arse with 6.63m at 7pm, followed by Antiques Roadshow with 5.72m at 8pm. The Musketeers' penultimate episode was watched by 4.08m at 9pm, whilst Match Of The Day 2 scored 2.30m at 10.30pm. BBC2's Lambing Live returned with 1.84m at 8pm, followed by Louis Theroux's new series LA Stories which had an overnight audience of 1.78m at 9pm. On Channel Four, the animated film Rio brought in 1.77m at 6.15pm. The documentary The Million Pound Necklace was watched by 1.38m at 8pm. The Tourist starring Johnny Depp attracted nine hundred and eighty five thousand at 9pm. Channel Five's broadcast of The Great Escape was seen by nine hundred and seventy one thousand at 5.45pm - and more of them would've gotten away if it hadn't been for that plank Nigel Stock tripping over his own feet - followed by the documentary The First Great Escape with eight hundred and twelve thousand at 9pm. And as for Gordon Jackson getting caught out when boarding the bus - juvenile schoolboy-type error.

Meanwhile, here are the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Two programmes, week-ending Sunday 16 March:-
1 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 9.12m
2 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 8.12m
3 The Voice - Sat BBC1 - 7.72m
4 Ant and/or Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway - Sat ITV - 7.53m
5 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 7.40m
6 Top Gear - Sun BBC2 - 7.01m
7 Jonathan Creek - Fri BBC1 - 6.82m
8 Countryfile - Sun BBC1 - 6.45m
9 Shetland - Tues BBC1 - 6.37m
10 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 6.15m
11 BBC News - Sat BBC1 - 5.63m
12 The Musketeers - Sat BBC1 - 5.45m
13 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.35m
14 Silk - Mon BBC1 - 5.16m
15 DCI Banks - Mon ITV - 5.17m*
16 Ten O'Clock News - Tues BBC1 - 5.02m
17 Mr Selfridge - Sun ITV - 5.01m*
18 Rugby Six Nations - Sat BBC1 - 4.93m
19 The National Lottery: Who Dares Wins - Sat BBC - 4.84m
20 UEFA Champions League Live - Tues ITV - 4.71m
21 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 4.64m
22 Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.56m
ITV programmes marked '*' do not include HD figures. BBC2's top-rated show of the week apart from Top Gear was Line of Duty (3.73m), followed by University Challenge (3.22m). Channel Four's highest-rated show was, again Gogglebox with 2.87m. Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! was Channel Five's best performer with 1.88m.

Now, dear blog reader, here's a link to an excellent article by yer actual Keith Telly Topping's old pal Greg Bakun at his From The Archive blog. It's the final part of a series of articles celebrating Doctor Who's fiftieth anniversary; this one is on the long-running family SF drama's great missing story, Shada.

Yer actual Ant McPartlin - for once, not joined at the hip to his mate Dec - and his mother were, reportedly, 'assaulted' during a family meal at The Old Station House gastro pub in Chiswick last week. Which isn't a very nice to do under any circumstances - even if you're not a fan of the chap's telly work. Still, sadly that's Cockneys for you - a right bunch of ignorant bonehead scum with diarrhoea for brains. The Saturday Night Takeaway presenter - one half of the North East's favourite double act just in case you didn't know - was apparently having dinner with members of his family at The Old Station House when 'a group of troublemaking youths' outside the gaff started 'making rude gestures' and 'using mobile phones to film him through the window.' One might've expected yer man Ant to either turn the other cheek, wave at them, smile cheekily and make some eating gestures for their home movies or, if he felt threatened, ring the poliss and get the scallywags aal carted off to the local nick for causing a disturbance to rich people. But, instead, Ant - extremely unwisely, in this blogger's opinion - decided to try the direct approach and 'went outside to ask them to leave.' Yeah, that was always going to end well, wasn't it? The group seemingly took offence at his offence and promptly 'put him into a heedlock', and gave him a damned good chinning, the Sun reports. So, of course, all of this must be true and not even slightly exaggerated. His mum, Christine, was also seemingly 'pushed to the ground' by these big hard brave London youths when she attempted to intervene and tell them to leave her lad alone. A Metropolitan Police spokesman said that they were called to 'an incident' in Spencer Road, shortly after 8pm on Thursday 13 March. He said: 'No allegations were made and no one suffered any injuries.' So, after all that hyperbole, a bit of a non-story it would seem. It's probably worth Ant considering, however, that he orobably wouldn't have gotten such rough and uncouth treatment if he'd, instead, been having a nice quiet meal in Newcastle city centre. Actually, no, who am I kidding? Some Bigg Market meat-head beer monster would've probably planeted one on him in that scenario, as well. For, you know, 'looking at me in a funny way.' Or something. Next time, stick to having yer mam over to your own gaff Ant, kidda, and cook her something nice yourself. It's much safer than venturing out into the real world.

And, speaking of North Eastern favourites, Wor Geet Canny Robson Green and former EastEnders actress Kacey Ainsworth have been cast in a new crime drama from ITV. Grantchester will star James Norton as Sidney Chambers, a vicar who solves crimes. Wr Geet Canny Robson will play his 'plain-speaking partner' - Police Inspector Geordie Keating - in the six-part series, set in Cambridgeshire, 1953. Ainsworth is cast as Keating's wife Cathy, while Morven Christie and Tessa Peake-Jones will also star. Grantchester - written by Daisy Coulam and based on the work of author James Runcie - will shoot from later this month until June. 'Grantchester is an exciting commission,' said ITV's Director of Drama, Steve November. 'Daisy Coulam's scripts are vivid and beautifully written with some wonderful characters at the heart of the stories. There's an emotional truth and gravity to this series which makes it a very compelling drama.'

BBC3 will make 'far fewer' shows when it shifts online, channel controller Zai Bennett has admitted. Which is, of course, sad news concerning their documentary output which is, for the most part, excellent - but bloody brilliant news elsewhere as it, hopefully, means we'll have far less of the likes of odious lanky streak of piss Jack Whitehall and Russell Kane (very popular with students) stinking up out telly schedules. Marvellous. In autumn 2015, BBC3 will close as a broadcast TV channel, with its most popular programmes heading to iPlayer. Speaking this week at a BAFTA TV Question Time panel, Bennett - the man whose first act on becoming BBC3 controller was to cancel the channel's one genuine twenty-four carat comedy masterpiece, Ideal, let us never forget - whinged that the shift would affect the quantity but not the quality of the channel's output. 'We won't be able to do everything we do now,' he snivelled. Oh dear. Our hearts bleeds for you, mate. '[Instead] we'll have to make some big bets - what we need to make sure we do is commission the very best shows we can,' he continued. Whether that 'we' will include Bennett himself is another matter entirely as, one imagines, he's currently busy planning an escape route back to ITV where the jewel in his crowing glory when he was 'responsible for editorial content' at ITV2 was being the very chap who commissioned the Kerry Katona reality show Kerry Comes Clean. So, you know, thanks for that, Zai. Bennett also claimed that BBC1 and BBC2 will now face 'an added responsibility' to cater for younger viewers - BBC3's target demographic. 'The BBC across the board has to pick up the baton for young audiences,' he said.

Labour is 'broadly supportive' of plans to decriminalise people who do not pay their television licence fee ahead of a House of Commons vote on whether to review the law this week, alleged 'sources' have allegedly said. A further example, if any were needed, of the truism that all politicians - without exception - are scum. After the coalition said that it backed the idea of a consultation on scrapping the crime, Labour will also make clear that it, while it claims, rather unconvincingly, to be a strong supporter of the BBC, it nevertheless thinks that it is difficult to justify sending people who do not pay their television licence fee to prison. Under the assumption, no doubt, that this move is a vote winner. With criminals. The idea of decriminalisation has been pushed by more than one hundred and fifty MPs from all parties, led by Tory backbencher Andrew Bridgen. Many Conservatives were pushing for immediate decriminalisation but agreed to a compromise with the government allowing for a long consultation about the idea. This pushes the decision into the next parliament and makes it more likely the law will be reconsidered as part of the BBC's charter review of 2017, meaning there is more time to investigate how much it could cost the corporation and how the shortfall would be made up. And by whom. The odious fraction Bridgen, a particularly scummish right-wing MP, has proposed making non-payment a civil rather than criminal offence through an amendment to the forthcoming deregulation bill - a bit of a slap in the face to all of us who've always paid our licence fee on time. The government then indicated its partial support when Oliver Heald, the solicitor general, put down a joint amendment with a promise to review the issue. This is what will be voted on by MPs during the committee stage of the bill on Tuesday. The BBC - showing the sort of lack of backbone we've sadly become accustomed to of late - has, meekly, ''raised concerns' that the proposal could lead to reduced revenue - to the tune of two hundred million smackers - and force it to axe services but also appeared relieved that it has been given a reprieve from any instant change in the law. Responding to the government's position last week, a spokesman for the corporation said: 'The BBC is content that this proposal balances a timely examination of this issue with a proper review of the options, while not taking any decisions prior to charter review.' A BBC Trust spokesman said: 'This is an issue that should be discussed in the round, including the potential impact on licence fee income and BBC output, with any decisions made as part of the charter review process. This amendment appears to be in line with that.' The review will have to start within three months of the deregulation bill passing and take no longer than a year. Its findings will be presented to the BBC Trust as well as both houses of parliament. Cases of people accused of evading the £145.50 fee accounted for more than one in ten of all criminal prosecutions last year – with one hundred and fifty five thousand of them convicted and fined. The amendment, due to be voted on next week, said that the review should start 'within three months' of the deregulation act being passed and complete it no later than a year after it began.

BBC2 period gangster drama Peaky Blinders has landed six nominations for the BAFTA Television Craft Awards. ITV's Broadchurch is close behind with five nominations, while Channel Four's conspiracy thriller Utopia has four. The awards honour behind-the-scenes programme-makers and will be handed out on 27 April in London. Odious, unfunny lard bucket (and drag) James Corden and Mathew Baynton received their first - completely undeserved - writing nominations for BBC2's vastly over-rated The Wrong Mans. They are up against Steve Delaney and Graham Linehan for BBC2's not even rated at all Count Arthur Strong, Sam Bain, Jesse Armstrong and Tom Basden for Channel Four's Fresh Meat and Graham Linehan, who gets a second nod for Channel Four's The IT Crowd. The best drama writer contenders are Chris Chibnall for Broadchurch, Dominic Mitchell for the supernatural BBC3 series In The Flesh, Sally Wainwright for BBC1's romantic drama Last Tango In Halifax and Dennis Kelly for Utopia. Documentaries Educating Yorkshire, Her Majesty's Prison Aylesbury, The Murder Trial and The Unspeakable Crime: Rape are all recognised in the best factual director category. The best director in fiction nominees are James Strong (for Broadchurch), Otto Bathurst (Peaky Blinders), Jane Campion and Garth Davis (BBC2's Top Of The Lake) and Marc Munden (Utopia). ITV's Downton Abbey received a nomination for best costume design, alongside BBC Worldwide's and Starz's Da Vinci's Dragons, BBC2's Doctor Who origins biopic An Adventure In Space And Time0- one of three nominations it received - and ITV's The Suspicions of Mr Whicher: The Murder of Angel Lane. The fiftieth anniversary episode of Doctor Who has also been nominated for a craft award. The Day Of The Doctor was nominated for special, visual and graphic effects with the nomination going to Milk VFX, Real SFX and The Model Unit for their work on the story. It was announced last week that the crew behind BBC1e's Strictly Come Dancing will receive a special BAFTA Craft Award in recognition of their achievements over the last ten years. BAFTA chairman Andrew Newman said that the show had 'set new standards for talent and creativity.' Actor Stephen Mangan will host the ceremony.

BBC1 has announced the cast for its new drama series Our Zoo. Inspector George Gently actor Lee Ingleby will star as George Mottershead, an ex-serviceman with a dream to build the first British zoo without bars. Life On Mars' actress Liz White is cast as his wife, Lizzie, while Ralf Little will play her 'mischievous brother', Billy Atkinson. Anne Reid, Sophia Myles, Peter Wight and Stephen Campbell-Moore will also feature in the upcoming drama. Our Zoo is based on the true story of the eccentric Mottershead family, who established Chester Zoo in the 1930s. Written by award-winning playwright Matt Charman, the series will be produced by Marcus Wilson. Our Zoo has already begun principal photography and is scheduled to be shown on BBC1 in late 2014.

The BBC is to feature more arts stories in programmes like The ONE Show in a bid to make the subject less elitist. Well, having something introduced by squealing Welsh airhead Alex Jones certainly ought to help in demystifying pretty much any subject. On Tuesday, the corporation's Director General Tony Hall announced new commissions including a series in collaboration with The Tate. Lord Hall notes that the arts are 'at risk of becoming marginalised' for future generations unless more is done to get children and young people engaged. As part of the plans, acclaimed 1960s arts show Civilisation is to return. The landmark thirteen-part series series telling the history of Western art was fronted by the historian Kenneth Clark when it was screened by BBC2 in 1969. The BBC is now looking for a new authoritative presenter to follow in Clark's footsteps for the new series, which will use modern digital technology to provide a fresh overview of the history of art. The BBC said: 'Civilisation was a landmark programme. Producing something of equal scale will be a huge challenge, but we believe it is time to once again create something with the same impact for a new generation. The arts have been central to the BBC's past and are central to its future. As all arts organisations face the challenge of delivering more in a tight economic climate, it is vital that we work together in new ways to create a bigger and better offer to the public.' As well as including arts content in The ONE Show, the idea will be spread to other popular programmes such as BBC Radio 2's Simon Mayo Show. Lord Hall announced last October that funding for the BBC's arts coverage would increase by twenty per cent. The Director General, who was Royal Opera House chief executive for twelve years before his appointment to the BBC, said he wanted to return the arts to the corporation's 'heart.' At that time, he announced that Simon Schama would front a five-part series in partnership with The National Portrait Gallery exploring the history of Britain through portraiture, and that Andrew Marr would present a new series looking at the greatest writers in Scotland.

The Voice producers have asked Sir Tom Jones to 'spice things up a bit' on the show as they fear he is becoming 'too boring.' The Sun claims that 'the programme's crew' had to talk to Jonesy during breaks in a bid to 'pep up his performance' and were seen 'gesturing frantically' at him when the cameras were rolling. An unnamed - and, therefore, almost certainly fictitious - alleged audience 'source' allegedly said: 'He called everyone "great" and his responses were flat and awkward. It was obvious the crew were doing everything they could to get him to be more lively.'

In replacing Adam Boulton as chief political editor with Channel Four's Faisal Islam – who did not figure at all in the initial betting – Sky News made a bold choice, as Islam's entire career has been spent as a business or economics reporter. If Robert Peston does harbour ambitions of eventually replacing Nick Robinson at the BBC, as is often rumoured, that might give him some encouragement. Meanwhile, Channel Four News editor Ben De Pear reportedly marked Islam's appointment with an e-mail to staff mixing praise with wryly noting his qualities as 'a dedicated follower of fashion' and his 'impressive' ability 'to match editorial assignments - to Manchester, Milan or Munich - with Man United matches.' Ooo, get her. According to some louse of no importance at the Gruniad Morning Star, the e-mail ended with 'an unflattering reference' to Islam's new workplace: 'congratulations, Faisal, we wish you well. At Fraggle Rock.'

The ABC Family channel has called time on controversial pilot Alice Of Arabia following widespread condemnation of the show's premise, which had been accused of racial and cultural stereotyping. The project, which was greenlit just last week, was to centre on 'a rebellious American teenage girl' who is kidnapped by her Saudi Arabian family. Writer Brooke Eickmeier scripted the pilot while working as a US army cryptologic linguist. Following an enormous backlash on social media, Buzzfeed obtained an early draft and claimed that the script as 'exactly what critics feared.' The Council on American-Islamic Relations had requested a meeting with ABC representatives last week. 'We are concerned that, given media references to the main character "surviving life behind the veil", the pilot and any resulting series may engage in stereotyping that can lead to things like bullying of Muslim students,' said CAIR-LA executive director Hussam Ayloush. 'We urge ABC Family Channel to meet with representatives of the Muslim and Arab American communities to discuss this important issue.' Following the uproar, ABC issued a statement announcing that Alice Of Arabia would not go ahead. 'The current conversation surrounding our pilot was not what we had envisioned, and is certainly not conducive to the creative process, so we've decided not to move forward with this project,' they said.

The Gruniad reports that this week we will be told the name of the BBC's new head of human resources (apparently an outsider), replacing Lucy Adams, who decided to move on after getting caught up in the row over humongous pay-offs.

A woman who was an extra in the James Bond movie Octopussy has told a court that she kicked Max Clifford 'between the legs, really hard' after he pushed her on to a sofa and tried to kiss her. One imagines that made him shaken. And not a little bit stirred into the bargain. The woman claimed that the publicist gave her money to buy 'sexy lingerie', and then took pictures of her wearing it, before telling her that she had been accepted for a role in a Charles Bronson film. He then 'put his hands all over' her, she told Southwark Crown Court. Clifford denies eleven counts of indecent assault. The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, told the court that the incident happened in the early 1980s when she was twenty. She said that she had changed into the underwear Clifford had instructed her to buy and he then took photos of her in his London office. But, she said, she soon realised that 'things weren't right at all' when she saw that he was not using a professional camera. She claimed he asked her to 'sit with her legs apart' and she had 'become frightened' and refused. She then said that she got dressed and Clifford emerged from his office with a phone, saying Charles Bronson was on the line and had agreed to give her a film role. She spoke to the man on the phone, whom, she noted, 'had an American accent' and he confirmed that she had the part. After thw phone conversation the woman said Clifford had 'lunged' at her, pushing her on to a sofa and trying to kiss and fondle her. 'I got very frightened,' she said, adding that it was at this point she kicked him, 'really hard', in the plums before 'running away.' She told the court that she had never spoken to 'the real Charles Bronson' and that there had been no more communication about the alleged part in the alleged film. She was later successful in gaining an extra role in the film Octopussy, she said. The court heard that while working on that film she had told 'several people' about her alleged experiences with Clifford, including Barbara Broccoli, the daughter of the Bond franchise producer Cubby Broccoli. Ms Broccoli - who is now, herself, responsible for the franchise - also gave evidence in court. She said that the casting director on Octopussy did have some contact with Clifford about the film, but Broccoli herself never met him. The trial has previously heard that Clifford claimed to represent Cubby Broccoli and that he had told one alleged victim she would have to sleep with the producer to be in one of his films. Giving evidence on Monday, Ms Broccoli said she did not believe that Clifford knew her late father. 'As far as I know he did not know him,' she told the jury. Clifford, from Hersham, denies eleven counts of indecent assault - relating to seven alleged victims aged from fourteen to twenty - between 1966 and 1984. The trial extremely continues.

The former comedian Jimmy Tarbuck has been released without charge after his arrest over an allegation of child sex abuse dating back to the 1970s. Tarby was arrested in Kingston upon Thames in April last year. North Yorkshire Police said the seventy four-year-old was arrested after information was passed to them by Metropolitan Police officers. The force said that a decision had been made not to proceed with the case 'following a detailed investigation.'

The frontman of the heavy metal band Gwar, Dave Brockie, has been found dead at his home in the US at the age of fifty. Officers were called to a home in Richmond, Virginia, on Sunday evening to a report of a dead person, said Dionne Waugh, a spokesperson for local police. When police arrived, Brockie was found dead inside the home. Waugh said that the medical examiner's officer would determine the cause of death but foul play is not suspected. 'Dave was one of the funniest, smartest, most creative and energetic persons I've known,' former Gwar bassist Mike Bishop told Richmond's Style Weekly newspaper. 'He was brash sometimes, always crass, irreverent, he was hilarious in every way. But he was also deeply intelligent and interested in life, history, politics and art.'

And finally, the world's only risible celebrity couple made entirely of hummus, Coldplay's resident boring cocksplash Chris Martin and his even more boring missus, Gwyneth Paltrow, have reportedly decided to split (or 'consciously uncouple', as they pretentiously call it in a press release) after ten years of, ahem, 'coupling'. A spokesperson for the pair later claimed that the split had been due to 'insufferable similarities'. Or something. Of course, it's not very nice to giggle at the misfortunes of others. However, there are exceptions and those two full-of-their-own-importance cheb-ends are, definitely, two of them. It's their children - Apple and Moses - that this blogger feels particularly sorry for. I mean, imagine getting lumbered with names like that, dear blog reader.

Keith Telly Topping's A To Z Of Groovy Tunes reaches W, dear blog reader. W, of course, is for Jah Wobble.