Thursday, May 02, 2013

I Learned The Truth From Lenny Bruce, And All My Wealth Won't Buy Me Health

According to the ever-reliable and always completely accurate Daily Lies Doctor Who 'bosses' have 'boldly gone and copied Star Trek in a bid to bring back all the old Time Lords for the show’s fiftieth anniversary special.' Viewers, the Lies claim, will see Matt Smith 'mingle with all the actors from the previous BBC series, including the late William Hartnell and Jon Pertwee.' And, the late Patrick Troughton, presumably. 'TV chiefs', they allege, 'came up with the plan, thanks to fellow sci-fi smash Star Trek. In 1996, the cast of spin-off series Deep Space Nine had an adventure with the original Enterprise crew Captain Kirk and Mr Spock as they looked in the 1960s. The show used hi-tech wizardry to digitally insert the young stars from Deep Space Nine into old footage from an episode called The Trouble With Tribbles, which aired in 1967.' Annoyingly, that's actually a pretty fair description of the DS9 episode Trials and Tribble-ations. 'Now,' they continue, 'BBC bosses plan to do the same. In November’s TV special to mark fifty years of Doctor Who, fans will see the current Doctor come face-to-face with all of the former Doctors who include Tom Baker, Colin Baker and Peter Davison.' Poor old Sylvester, always the one that gets forgotten! 'He will be "placed" into clips from the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s to make it look as though he is really there and interacting with his old Time Lord selves.' Presumably, he'll have to also be placed into clips from the 1990s and 2000s as well if we wants to interact with Paul McGann and Christopher Eccleston. 'Ex-Doctor Who star David Tennant, is the only actor who will appear in the flesh in the episode. And former show writer Robert Banks Stewart has let slip that as well as bringing back The Zygons, fans will see a carnival of monsters including Daleks and Cybermen.' So ... what do we make of all that, dear blog reader? Well, firstly, a word of caution - it's from the Daily Lies - the newspaper, if you can call it that, which once took a throwaway line from a Gareth Roberts interview with the DWM about a script he'd abandoned as 'evidence' that Lady Gaga was being lined up to appear in an episode (complete with entirely, and disgracefully obvious, made-up quotes from an alleged 'TV insider'). And, of course, we're all still waiting for the outcome of their 2003 'exclusive' that Holly Valance was 'in talks' to replace Sarah Michelle Gellar in Buffy The Vampire Slayer. So ... make that 'a vat of salt' rather than a pinch. But, as ever, another word of caution. Even a broken clock is right twice a day and this blogger, actually, has funny feeling this piece could be closer to the truth than you'd ever expect. Unless, of course, it isn't.
The latest edition of Doctor Who Magazine is out this Thursday and delves, deeply, into what viewers can expect as the current run of episodes draws to a close. Speaking about the forthcoming series finale The Name of the Doctor, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat said: 'We've only just finished shooting the actual completed ending – it's ridiculously secret – but it's quite a thing, hopefully. There's often an element of throwing in some lovely names and then figuring it out later, but I've always had a sort of plan for The Doctor and Trenzalore. Things will be resolved. Things I've left hanging in plain sight – and sometimes not in plain sight – will be tied up.'
Coronation Street actor William Roache has been arrested on suspicion of two counts of rape. Roache, eighty one, who plays Ken Barlow in the ITV soap, was arrested by Lancashire constabulary early on Wednesday morning. He was later charged with two counts of rape involving a fifteen-year-old girl in 1967, prosecutors confirmed. He will appear before Preston magistrates on 14 May. Detectives searched the actor's house in Wilmslow, and took him to be interviewed at an undisclosed police station in Lancashire. In a statement, Lancashire constabulary said that the offences in question are alleged to have been committed in Haslingden between April and July 1967 and involved a girl who was then aged fifteen. The force added: 'We take all allegations of sexual abuse extremely seriously and would encourage people with any information about sexual abuse, or anyone who has been a victim of sexual abuse, to come forward and report their concerns confident in the knowledge they will be investigated appropriately and with sensitivity.' Lancashire police declined to confirm the name of the arrested suspect, saying only that he was an eighty one-year-old man. However, according to the Gruniad Morning Star, alleged 'sources' outside Roache's home in Wilmslow allegedly confirmed that Roache had been arrested on Wednesday morning. The Grunaid also claimed that an ITV producer was outside Roache's home as police detectives searched the property. Roache is the longest-serving cast member on Coronation Street, having appeared in its first episode on 9 December 1960. It is understood that Roache will not be appearing on the soap in the near future following his arrest, posing a complex challenge for the soap's producers to edit his character out of several current storylines. An ITV spokesman said: 'Given that a police investigation is underway, it would not be appropriate for us to comment.' In March, Roache apologised after he appeared to suggest that victims of sex crimes were being 'punished' for past sins. He told New Zealand's One News that, 'if you accept that you are pure love, and if you know that you are pure love these things won't happen to you.' Asked to clarify if that meant 'victims bring things on themselves', Roache added: 'No, not quite. And yet I am. Everything that happens to us has been a result of what we have been in previous lives.' He later said he was 'very sorry for any offence that has been caused as a result of my comments.' Roache's wife, Sara, died in 2009 after more than thirty years married to the Coronation Street actor. The pair have two grown-up children.

MasterChef topped Tuesday evening's ratings for BBC1, overnight data has shown. As the latest series entered its final week, the competition between Larkin, Dale and Natalie was seen by 4.93 million viewers at 9pm. Ben Elton's critically mauled The Wright Way shed around two hundred and sixty thousand viewers to 1.90m for its second episode. I don't think much for the chances of that getting a second series. On BBC2, the World Snooker Championship continued with 1.14m at 7pm, while the latest Keeping Britain Alive was seen by 1.71m at 9pm. Alex Polizzi's new documentary The Fixer attracted 1.96m at 8pm. Jools Holland's Later Live brought in eight hundred and nineteen thousand punters at 10pm. ITV's coverage of Real Madrid's departure from the Champions League at the hands of yer actual Borussia Dortmund was watched by 4.28m from 7.30pm. Channel Four's Embarrassing Bodies Live secured 1.18m at 8pm. On Channel Five, the latest CSI was seen by 1.39m at 9.15pm, followed by Body of Proof at 10pm with eight hundred and ninety six thousand. Dallas brought in three hundred and fifty eight thousand at 11pm. BBC4's Ocean Giants was watched by five hundred and eighty thousand at 8pm, with new series Archaeology: A Secret History attracting seven hundred and fifty three thousand at 9pm.

Jim Broadbent will play the detective charged with tracking down the Great Train Robbers in the second of two BBC dramas marking the fiftieth anniversary of the August 1963 malarkey. The actor said he was 'thrilled' to be asked to portray Tommy Butler in The Great Train Robbery: A Copper's Tale. The drama will follow A Robber's Tale, which will view the heist from the perspective of its perpetrators. Luke Evans will play Bruce Reynolds, the raid's key planner. Broadbent said it would be 'great fun' to play Butler - 'a fascinating copper of the old school' - in the drama, to be shown later this year. 'I have such strong memories of the massive impact of the actual robbery and it is wonderful to find out from the script so much of the real story.' Fresh on a roll from Broadchurch, Chris Chibnall, the executive producer and writer of the Great Train Robbery dramas, said Broadbent was 'a dream piece of casting.' The actor won an Oscar in 2001 for playing the husband of writer Iris Murdoch in Iris and a BAFTA in 2007 for playing the enal reform campaigner Lord Longford. Butler, whose astuteness earned him the nickname 'The Grey Fox' led the investigation into the Great Train Robbery which resulted in several of the robbers receiving lengthy sentences. He retired in 1969 and died the following year at the age of fifty seven.

ITV has defended its decision to cut short an interview with José Mourinho following Tuesday night's Champions League match between Real Madrid and Borussia Dortmund, claiming 'no mistake' was made and that it was 'too late to arrange an overrun.' The Special One his very self was interviewed by Gabriel Clarke after his side's aggregate defeat, only for the reporter to interrupt the Portuguese mid-flow while he was discussing his managerial future, potentially in England. The broadcast was swiftly ended ahead of News At Ten but ITV appear to be keen to move any blame away from Clarke and denied that it was poor journalism. The broadcaster claimed the reporter was already in the process of signing off the interview when Mourinho decided to embark on a potentially revelatory statement. ITV said that if a programme is to overrun, its protocol requires a decision made five minutes in advance and claimed the broadcast had passed the time when one could have been requested. A statement read: 'Our reporter Gabriel Clarke managed to land an unexpected interview with José Mourinho with only two minutes left before the end of last night's Champions League programme on ITV. At that stage it was too late to arrange an overrun of the broadcast beyond the allotted time. However, in a very tight, live situation, we showed as much as we possibly could of their exchange to viewers.' However, ITV has come in for ridicule following the decision to cut back to odious greed bucket (and drag) Adrian Chiles, who was pitchside at the Bernabéu, although still looking like he'd been smacked in the mush with a wet kipper. Mourinho, when asked by Clarke where he would be managing next season, said: 'I want to be where I love to be and where people love me to be.' Clarke then interrupted him, in best Alan Partridge style, and said: 'I'll take that as England, I've got to go.' Tragically, he didn't add 'Ah-ha!' But it would've been pure dead funny if he had. It is not the first time that ITV has come in for criticism while broadcasting football. In 2009 it cut to adverts before Dan Gosling scored an one hundred and eighteenth-minute winner for Everton against Liverpool in the FA Cup, and HD viewers missed Steven Gerrard's goal for England against USA in the 2010 World Cup due to a similar gaffe. This blog also regularly criticises ITV's coverage of football in general. Because it's shite.

Gillian Anderson and Jamie Dornan's crime thriller The Fall will premiere on BBC2 on Monday 13 May at 9pm, it has been confirmed. The highly-anticipated series, which also stars Archie Panjabi, Hollyoaks trio Gerard McCarthy, Emmet Scanlan and Bronagh Waugh and Niamh McGrady, was written by Allan Cubitt. Anderson stars as DSI Stella Gibson, who is brought to Belfast from the Met to find a killer. Dornan stars as killer Paul Spector, who has a dark fascination with solicitor Sarah Kay (played by Laura Donnelly). BBC drama boss Ben Stephenson said: 'The Fall is a unique, forensic and characterful take on a classic genre that continues BBC2's commitment to original British drama. Cubitt's rich and complex psychological thriller combined with another compelling performance from Gillian Anderson will keep viewers on the edge of their seats.'
With their tense storylines, atmospheric scenery and often gruesome murders, Danish crime dramas The Killing and The Bridge have gripped British audiences. According to the Gruniad Morning Star. Well, they've gripped a few hundred thousand on BBC4, anyway. This blogger very much included, let it be noted. But the Danes themselves are, apparently, more enamoured with a gentler alternative to Scandi noir – ITV's long-running rural detective series Midsomer Murders has become one of the best-rated TV imports in Denmark, according to the head of the country's biggest channel, DR1. Kaare Schmidt put the English drama's success down to its 'quaint setting' and 'leisurely pace', which, he said, was 'comforting' for viewers. 'It's just you have a good feeling when you watch it and if you fall asleep it's fine, because that's what it's for and you'll never remember who did it anyway,' he told the Radio Times. Schmidt said DR1 had won the Saturday night ratings battle in Denmark for more than a decade because Midsomer Murders 'beat everything the competition can come up with', attracting a thirty to forty per cent share of the audience. 'Midsomer Murders is the best performing acquired programme of all – that goes for Scandinavia in general, but especially on Danish television,' he told the magazine. 'We have it in the biggest slot for us, which is Saturday night at around 9pm, and it has been beating the competition for twelve or thirteen years - as long as it's been around. We always win Saturday night because of that. It's the number one big hit on DR1. That is the key to our success – we can't fail if we get a good British detective story.' The long-running series, originally starring John Nettles and now Neil Dudgeon, follows detectives tackling crime in, as the ITV website puts it, 'the beautiful but deadly villages of Midsomer.'

New plot details have emerged for the third season of Homeland. The Showtime terrorism drama's next run of episodes will concern 'a global manhunt for the world's most wanted terrorist' Nicholas Brody (played, of course, by Damian Lewis). A release from the cable network reads: 'As Carrie (Claire Danes) and Saul (Mandy Patinkin) begin to pick up the pieces of their shattered professional and personal lives, they are swept up in the political and media firestorm surrounding the terror attack and the subsequent search for Brody's whereabouts.' In addition to Lewis, Danes and Patinkin, cast members Morena Baccarin, Rupert Friend, Jackson Pace and Morgan Saylor are all confirmed to return. However, neither David Marciano or Diego Klattenhoff will return to the show as regulars, though both may appear in occasional episodes. Homeland's third season will again span twelve episodes and will premiere in the US on Sunday 23 September at 9pm. Channel Four will broadcast the new episodes of the EMMY-winning drama in the UK shortly afterwards.

The IT Crowd's Richard Ayoade is to front the next series of Channel Four's Gadget Man. The broadcaster this week announced that the series about technological innovations has been recommissioned for a second season, to be shown later this year, with Ayoade taking over as presenter from Stephen Fry. Ayoade commented: 'I'm delighted to bring my nasal, hesitant and underwhelming delivery to a formerly successful format.' Channel Four added: 'Richard will lead the viewer on a series of adventures, incorporating the very latest in consumer products, cutting edge innovative technology and even creating and designing his own fantasy contraptions.' So, a bit like Channel Five's brilliant idea of getting rid of Suzi Perry from The Gadget Show and replacing her with ... someone blond whose name you can't even remember. And these people get paid, dear blog reader. Unbelievable.

Meanwhile, from one show coming back to one that is, most definitely, not. ITV has axed its - alleged - sitcom Great Night Out after one series. The comedy's star, Lee Boardman who played Paddy Hodgkinson, broke the news on Twitter. He told to his eighteen thousand followers: 'Great Night Out won't be returning to your screens. It has not recommission. Thank you all for watching.' In a local newspaper interview earlier in the year, Boardman had expressed a desire to make more episodes of the show, about four friends in their mid-thirties as they enjoyed a weekly boys' get-together in Stockport. The sitcom attracted an average consolidated audience of around three million viewers over the six episodes, which were broadcast in January and February this year. That's about a million down on ITV's usual figures for the Friday-night slot.

A complaint about books written by BBC employees being given undue prominence on Richard Bacon's 5Live show has not been upheld by the BBC Trust. The - lone - complaint, who clearly didn't have anything better to do with his or her time, alleged 'a conflict of interest' when presenter Simon Mayo and news correspondent Mark Easton were guests on consecutive shows in February last year to talk about their books. The complainant suggested 'a pattern' of BBC personnel being given 'promo' slots on the show. But the Trust said that no guidelines were breached by either of the appearances. In its ruling, the Trust said Bacon's show was 'a mix of news, sport, entertainment and interviews with guests,' adding it 'frequently features interviews with authors who have recently had books published.' Mayo, who presents a drive-time show on Radio 2, is a former regular 5Live host and still reviews films on the network. He was on the Bacon show to talk about his children's book, Itch, which was published in March 2012. Easton, currently the BBC's Home Editor, talked about his book, Britain Etc, which was also published last March. The complainant had whinged that both interviewees were 'favoured' because of the author's existing connections to the BBC and alleged there was 'a pattern' of corporation staff being over-represented as guests on BBC shows. But the Trust report said there had been 'no impropriety in the way the interviews had been arranged (either by the publishers, Mr Easton or Mr Mayo) and there was no evidence that either Mr Mayo or Mr Easton had lobbied to get on the show to promote their books or otherwise asked for favours.' It added that the two guests had 'broadly been treated as other guests would have been and the books had not been given undue prominence.' However, it did agree the importance of editorial guidelines being adhered to in relation to such interviews. The Trust also answered a complaint from the trade body for commercial radio companies in the UK about the presence of an on-screen animated graphic for the 2012 Six Nations rugby championship's data supplier Accenture during live matches. The RadioCentre complaint said the graphic was 'unduly prominent' and 'amounted to sponsorship.' In its ruling the Trust said that to give Accenture on-screen credits as data-supplier was entirely 'appropriate and editorially justified' and that Accenture's contractual relationship was with the tournament organiser and not the BBC. It added 'no question of programme sponsorship arose.' However, the report took issue with an e-mail sent by the an executive producer to staff, which may have given recipients the impression that BBC Sport had made a binding commitment over how often and for how long Accenture's logo was should be featured. The Trust said this meant that audiences 'could not have a well-founded confidence' that the corporation's decisions on the sponsorship 'were not influenced by commercial pressures.' The editorial standards committee recommended that in future, it should be made clear that the BBC had not entered into any binding commitments on 'supplier credits' and any specifications on the use of logos are 'merely an indication of what BBC Sport considered likely to be appropriate.'

SF sequel Star Trek: Into Darkness has received positive reviews from the British press ahead of its opening in the UK and Ireland next week. The film, starring Chris Pine as Kirk and Zachary Quinto as Spock, has its UK premiere on Thursday in Central London. Yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch stars as the villain, John Harrison, described as 'a one-man weapon of mass destruction.' The eagerly awaited follow-up to director JJ Abrams' 2009 series reboot will be released theatrically on 9 May.
The (soon to be former) X Factor judge Tulisa may have thought she was harnessing the power of social media when she asked her three million Twitter followers to suggest names for her new perfume. 'My new perfume is comming [sic] out very soon and im [sic] stuck for a name,' she tweeted. 'You guys wanna help? Hit me with your ideas.' But, perhap predictably, some suggestions were more helpful than others. Among the (politer) responses, reports the Daily Lies, were Tramp Sniff, Binman's Cuff and Chip Shop Reject. One fan suggested Capri Sun, to which the singer replied 'hahahaha.' The experience didn't, seemingly, put off Tulisa – whose first perfume was named The Female Boss – and she tweeted later: 'Gotta dash, ill be back later! Keep those names comming [sic].' You could try calling it Coming, but you'd have to learn how to spell it first, m'love. Or, how about ...
And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. As mentioned in a previous blog, dear blog reader, this very evening, yer actual Keith Telly Topping will be attending Uncle Scunthorpe's latest Record Player event at the Tyneside. This week it's one of the best-selling records of all time, yer actual Paul and Arty's Bridge Over Troubled Waters. But, unfortunately, I used that one for yesterday's blog. So, here's another one of the duo's top tunes instead (although, there's not much of Arty on this one). Cute video too.

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