Matt Smith has admitted that he is 'open' to the idea of a Sherlock-Doctor Who crossover. But, thankfully Smudger told Collider that whilst he, personally, would be 'intrigued' to see the show's leads come together, Sherlock co-creators The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat and yer actual Mark Gatiss are 'not fans' of this, fantastically bad idea. 
And, by that, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping means a catastrophically dreadful idea. The stuff of thoroughly rotten fan-fiction, no less. 'I think Mark and Steven kind of hate the idea of Doctor Who and Sherlock ever meeting,' said the thirty-year-old actor. However, he added: 'I'm not averse to it. I'm kind of open. I'm like, yeah [it could work], because I just think they would find each other so remarkable.' In 2010, Moffat claimed that it would be 'quite hard' to pull off a Doctor Who-Sherlock crossover but admitted that fan interest in the idea was high, suggesting that 'everyone who's passing me in the street is suggesting that.' Which is probably one very good reason for not doing it. 'I think there are problems of doing [a crossover],' he said. 'Because then you would say that Sherlock Holmes lives in the same world as The Doctor, and there are Daleks and all sorts of things. If a Sherlock Holmes story depends on time travel being impossible, it's quite hard [to do it] if he's a personal friend of The Doctor's.' Or, indeed, otherwise.
Top Gear's 007 special was watched by over four million overnight viewers, leaving ITV's flop medical drama Monroe both shaken and, indeed, stirred on Monday night. The Richard Hammond presented Fifty Years of Bond Cars: A Top Gear Special had 3.47 million viewers on BBC2 and another five hundred and fifty thousand punters on the BBC HD channel simultcast between 9pm and 10pm on Monday, a total share of the audience of sixteen per cent. The BBC2 audience was up one hundred and seventy six per cent on the slot average over the last three months. Jimmy Nesbitt's desperately sinking medical drama, Monroe, had its ass thoroughly kicked once again and was left sprawled in the dirt crying for its mummy (metaphorically speaking, of course) being watched by a mere 2.76 million viewers at the same time on ITV. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping doesn't expect to see a third series of that fiasco. 
Top Gear also had the better of Channel Four's 999: What's Your Emergency?, which had 2.4 million viewers. The slot was won by the last in the current series of BBC1's New Tricks (with the episode that should have been shown last week but, wasn't). The ninth season of the popular cold case crime drama starring Dennis Waterman and Amanda Redman finished with 6.8 million viewers. Elsewhere, BBC2 cookery show Nigellissima - during which the hostess constantly told viewers about her 'moist plums', no sniggering at the back - finished its six-part run with 2.2 million viewers between 8.30pm and 9pm. Also between 8.30pm and 9pm, Panorama's follow-up to its Winterbourne View hospital investigation was watched by 2.96 million viewers. New Sky Atlantic panel show, Don't Sit in the Front Row, hosted by yer actual Jack Dee, began with forty five thousand viewers between 9pm and 9.30pm. Despite its small audience, it was still forty per cent up on the channel's slot average. New Children's BBC series Wizards Vs Aliens, from former Doctor Who showrunner Russell Davies, began with just under five hundred thousand viewers on the CBBC channel. Only Connect still couldn't quite hit the million viewers mark, but topped the multi-channels with a hefty nine hundred and eighty three thousand punters for BBC4 at 8.30pm, beating Arrow's seven hundred and fourteen thousand for Sky1. Overall, BBC1 led primetime with twenty three per cent versus 20.7 per cent for ITV.
Here's the final consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Four programmes week-ending 21 October 2012:-
1 Downton Abbey - ITV Sun - 11.63m
2 Strictly Come Dancing - BBC1 Sat - 10.97m
3 The X Factor - ITV Sun - 9.84m
4 Coronation Street - ITV Mon - 9.74m
5 Emmerdale - ITV Wed - 9.47m
6 EastEnders - BBC1 Mon - 8.49m
7 New Tricks - BBC1 Mon - 8.20m
8 The Great British Bake Off - BBC2+BBC HD Tues - 7.32m
9 Countryfile - BBC1 Sun - 7.03m
10 Merlin - BBC1 Sat - 6.86m
11 Antiques Roadshow - BBC1 Sun - 5.70m
12 Have I Got News For You - BBC1 Fri - 5.64m
13 The Paradise - BBC1 Tues - 5.14m
14 Casualty - BBC1 Sat - 5.13m
15 Six O'Clock News - BBC1 Wed - 5.03m
16 DCI Banks - ITV Wed - 5.02m*
17 Ten O'Clock News - BBC1 Tues - 5.00m
18 Holby City - BBC1 Tues - 4.80m
19 BBC News - BBC1 Tues - 4.76m 20 Hunted - BBC1 Thurs - 4.53m
21 Watchdog - BBC1 Wed - 4.44m
22 Paul O'Grady: For The Love of Dogs - ITV Mon - 4.43m*
23 Pointless Celebrities - BBC1 Sat - 4.37m
24 Surprise, Surprise - ITV Sun - 4.34m*
Programmes marked with '*' do not include HD figures.
Yer actual Sir Roger Moore his very self is to host an episode of Have I Got News For You. The actor will join team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton on Friday 23 November. 'I'm really looking forward to appearing on one of my favourite shows and just hope Ian and Paul will treat this old English actor gently,' said Moore.
'If not, I'll press the button which releases their chairs into a piranha-filled pool below and will cackle wildly like Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Who said I wasn't a ham?' Comedian and actor Marcus Brigstocke and journalist and author Rachel Johnson will appear as guests alongside Moore, Hislop and Merton. Eighty five-year-old Moore is best known for playing James Bond in seven movies and also for starring in the 1960s spy series The Saint. The current - forty fourth - series of popular topical news quiz Have I Got News For You continues at 9pm on Friday nights on BBC1 until 21 December, with the extended repeats Have I Got A Bit More News For You screening on Monday nights at 10.35pm.
Mo Farah and Nicola Adams will reportedly be among the stars of a one-off special of Superstars for the BBC. Queue the music. Sorry, it's just whenever that programme gets mentioned, I always feel the Johnny Pearson music coming on. It's contagious. Alistair and Jonny Brownlee, Beth Tweddle, Anthony Joshua and Gemma Gibbons will also appear in an Olympics special of the classic sports competition show this Christmas, according to the Sun. So, this is almost certainly lies, in that case.
Sixteen British Olympic athletes will compete in six events that they do not usually practice in, including the sprint, long-distance run, swimming, obstacle course, rowing, cycling, tennis and squat thrusts and dips. Superstars - queue the music - will be held at Team GB's training centre at Bath University in November, and will be broadcast around Christmas. An alleged 'source' allegedly said: 'We have all seen what the Olympians can do at the 2012 Games but now is a chance to see them put to the ultimate test. Move over gold medals, the Superstars - queue the music - title is the one they really want. How will the Brownlee boys fare trying to out-canoe each other? Has Mo Farah got what it takes to cycle like Bradley Wiggins? These are questions we will endeavour to find out.'
Mary Berry is reportedly 'unsure' about whether she would appear on the planned US version of The Great British Bake Off. CBS announced the show, which has the working title Bake Off, earlier this month. The Sun quotes Berry as saying: 'I have no idea if I will be asked. I've not thought about it and I'm not going to think about it, as it would mean being away a lot.'
However, Berry's fellow judge, yer actual Paul Hollywood, has apparently said that he would be interested in a role on the show, potentially as its host. An alleged 'insider' allegedly claimed that executives are, allegedly, 'desperate' for Berry and Hollywood to be involved in CBS's Bake Off, as they believe the pair's 'lightness of touch' will be popular with viewers in the United States. Richard McKerrow, who launched the series in the UK as executive producer, will oversee Bake Off for Love Productions USA. International versions of the show have already launched in countries such as Belgium, Denmark, Sweden and Poland. The format will also premiere in Australia, Ireland and France during 2013.
Channel Four are to broadcast a drama which is described as being 'a celebration of the small pleasures of everyday life.' Michael Winterbottom's story charts the tale of four children separated from their father, and a wife separated from her husband. The father Ian – played by John Simm – is in prison. The mother Karen – Shirley Henderson – has to bring up a family of four children by herself. Filmed over a period of five years, Everyday uses the repetitions and rhythms of everyday life to explore how a family can survive a prolonged period apart. Winterbottom says of his film: 'A lot of films deal with stories that take place over a long period of time. I've just done a film now with Steve Coogan about Paul Raymond which goes from 1958 to 1992.
But you tend to do it with very conventional techniques. You're still making it over a period of seven or eight weeks, you're still packing it in, so it's all done with wigs and make-up. So with children especially you end up having different children playing the same role. It's very unsatisfactory. This is a film about how the relationship between children and their dad can survive a long separation, how that effects the relationship with their mum, and the relationship between the mum and the dad. And rather than do it in six weeks and try and fake it all, we did it over the same length of time that the story is supposed to take place.' The story unfolds in a series of visits, first the family visiting the father in prison, later the father visiting the family at home. With each visit the distance between the children and their father becomes harder to bridge. Sounds rather good. Everyday will be broadcast on Channel Four in November.
Carol Vorderman has claimed that she was 'banned' from the Countdown studio after leaving the show. Which, if true, is really funny. She should've got herself unionised. Particularly as it's a nine-letter word. (Thanks to Andy Parsons for that joke.)
Sir Ian McKellen and Derek Jacobi are set to star in a new ITV sitcom about an elderly gay couple. Vicious Old Queens - excellent title and one, obviously, chosen to get up the noses of the Daily Scum Mail - has been written by Gary Janetti, who previously worked on Will & Grace and Family Guy. The two veteran Thespians will play the couple, who live together in London's Covent Garden. A series of six half-hour episodes is being lined-up for broadcast from April, according to the Lies on Sunday.
Last week, Sir Ian – who previously appeared in Ricky Gervais's Extras, said that hiding his sexuality for years had been crucial in helping him perfect his acting skills. This will not be the first time a mainstream gay sitcom has been tried in recent years. BBC1 previously piloted the potential primetime show, George And Bernard Shaw, with Robert Lindsay and Richard Griffith playing a middle-aged gay couple. The comedy was written by John Finnemore, the creator of Radio 4's Cabin Pressure.
The X Factor contestant Zoe Alexander has reportedly won a small acting role on Doctor Who according to an Internet website. The Welsh singer 'shocked and stunned' the talent show's judges Louis Walsh, Tulisa Contostavlos, Gary Barlow and Nicole Scherzinger with an angry expletive-filled tirade when she was rejected from the competition.
Alexander - who claimed that X Factor producers had instructed her to sing a Pink song - has since turned her attentions to acting and will have a minor role in a 2013 Doctor Who episode, according to Wales Online. 'It's great to be working on Doctor Who - the people are a lot nicer than some you get to meet working in TV,' said the twenty two-year-old, not referring to anyone in particular. Oh no, very hot water. 'I'm loving it but I'm hoping that this is just a start for me.' In June, it was claimed that Alexander was being investigated by police for assault, after pushing a cameraman and producer during her X Factor meltdown. Welcome to Doctor Who, Zoe. Meet the family.
BBC1's eight million quid period drama The Paradise will open its doors for a second run. The series has been recommissioned with three episodes of the first series still to be broadcast. The story of the first-ever department store in the UK, starring Joanna Vanderham, Sarah Lancashire, Emun Elliott and Patrick Malahide, The Paradise began with five and a half million viewers in a Tuesday night slot last month. BBC1 controller Danny Cohen said it was 'really interesting to experiment with period drama on BBC1 beyond the traditional Sunday night slot.' By putting it out on Tuesday, Cohen also avoided a head-to-head clash with ITV's Downton Abbey and another acclaimed, (albeit lower-rating) drama, Channel Four's US import Homeland, which is also shown at 9pm on Sunday. 
Andrew Marr's History of the World, which went up against Downton Abbey on BBC1, has suffered in the ratings with just 2.3 million viewers for last Sunday's outing, a quarter of the ITV drama's overnight audience of 9.5 million. With its early autumn launch, the BBC1 controller beat ITV's rival department-store drama Mr Selfridge, a ten million smackers project starring Jeremy Piven, to the screen. Cohen added: 'I'm delighted that the show will be returning for a second series, and can assure its loyal following that there are still some dramatic twists to come in the three episodes still to air this autumn.' Writer Bill Gallagher, who previously made his name with another popular costume drama, Lark Rise to Candleford, loosely adapted The Paradise from the French novel by Émile Zola. The first four episodes had a consolidated average audience of 5.9 million viewers.
The website for BBC1's So You Think You Can Dance 'breached accuracy guidelines' in stating that a contestant had come fourth in the competition, when, in fact, she had come third. As though anybody but the world's biggest pedant is in the slightest bit bothered about nonsense like that. Some may, rightly, consider that the BBC Trust should be concentrating their time on far more important affairs than trivial bollocks like this. Particularly as the show in question only had an audience of about twelve anyway. That's why it was cancelled. Although the information on the website was, subsequently, corrected, the corporation's Editorial Standards Committee ruled this had not been done 'quickly, clearly or appropriately.' And, by doing so they justified their existence for another month. The ruling relates to the show's 2011 final, won by tap dancer Matt Flint.
Presenter Cat Deeley described Kirsty Swain as 'the first person leaving the competition tonight.' On the programme's website, it was initially stated that the jazz dancer had finished the contest in fourth place. Following a complaint - by whom, the BBC doesn't say - it was established that Swain had polled more votes than fellow competitor Katie Love and had, thus, come third in the audience vote. 'So what, Keith Telly Topping?' I hear you bellow, dear blog reader. I can only concur with your rank befuddlement. It was also established that the order in which the positions was announced by Deeley was at the production team's discretion and bore no relation to the number of votes cast. In its ruling upholding the complaint, the Editorial Standards Committee said 'insufficient account had been taken of the significance in the dance world of a national competition broadcast by the BBC.' Other media went on to report the inaccurate positions of the two dancers based on information placed on the show's official website. Meanwhile, here's some news that more than one person actually gives a stuff about ...
Several American broadcasters pulled episodes of their most popular shows on Monday evening ahead of the arrival of Hurricane Sandy on the East coast. The CW, CBS and NBC all postponed part of their Monday night line-up with episodes of the shows now rescheduled for next week. CBS postponed episodes of comedies How I Met Your Mother, Two Broke Girls, Partners and Mike & Molly as well as its crime drama Hawaii Five-0. The CW meanwhile delayed episodes of teen dramas Gossip Girl and 90210 – broadcasting repeats of both shows instead. NBC also pulled Matthew Perry's Go On and The New Normal from its schedules due to coverage of Hurricane Sandy.
Is it just yer actual Keith Telly Topping or does anyone else think BBC News's description of the hurricane currently battering America's eastern seaboard as 'Superstorm Sandy' makes it sound like the lead singer of an extremely camp 1970s Europop disco ensemble?
Lord Justice Leveson's report on the regulation of newspapers following his inquiry into the culture and practices of the press has been delayed until the end of November. Leveson's conclusions and recommendations on the future of press regulation had been expected initially in October but got pushed back to November and now 'sources' allegedly say it will be published at the end of the month. The exact timetable to which Leveson is working has been a closely guarded secret. He has always said he would report 'in the autumn,' leaving newspaper editors and proprietors on tenterhooks in a big sweat for the past two months. Speculation has been rife that the report could be put back to December but alleged 'sources' allegedly say that Leveson wants to get it out before George Osborne's autumn statement on the economy on 5 December. There has been intense lobbying in the past few weeks by those in both sides of the debate on stricter press regulation. Some newspapers, notably the Daily Torygraph and the Daily Scum Mail, as well as politicians including Boris Johnson, Eric Pickles and the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant and George Formby lookalike Gove, have warned of dire consequences if statutory regulation were to be recommended by Leveson and taken up by David Cameron. The two scummy right-wing papers are among those backing a new lobby group, Free Speech Network, which launched last week warning that an 'officially regulated press is the glib, easy, dangerous solution.' A Free Speech Network pamphlet said: 'It would spell the slow, painful death of a raucous, audacious and impertinent press able to speak truth to power on behalf of its readers and entertaining enough to secure their loyalty. We would all be the losers.' Hopefully, yes. The Free Speech Network is opposing the Hacked Off campaign for tougher press regulation being fronted by Hugh Grant. 
Former BBC chairman Michael Grade told the Daily Scum Mail on Tuesday that press curbs would not have stopped the publication of topless photographs of Kate Middleton. Referring to Ireland where the pictures were published, Grade said: 'I doubt it has escaped Lord Justice Leveson's attention that the photographs of the duchess were published in countries with regulatory regimes offered as possible solutions for the UK. On this evidence, his menu of available options seems to be shrinking,' said Grade. Tory politicians also appear to be sharpening their knives for a battle over Leveson. On Sunday, the communities secretary, big fat cuddly lard bucket (and drag) Eric Pickles, said the government should be reluctant to bring in new laws to regulate newspapers following the publication of Leveson's report. Pickles said the press was working towards a way of offering proper recourse for those with legitimate complaints, adding that the right of newspapers to expose corruption must be protected. He said that ministers must be very careful about introducing statutory regulation if Lord Justice Leveson recommends a new independent watchdog to monitor the press. The Labour party, which helped pressure David Cameron into launching the Leveson inquiry in July last year in the aftermath of revelations that Milly Dowler's phone had been hacked, is likely to back his recommendations 'as long as they are reasonable,' said one alleged 'source.' This alleged 'source', according to the Gruniad Morning Star argued that statues governing issues such as defamation and data protection already apply to the press and there is nothing to be feared from a law that gives legal standing to bodies such as the libel resolutions arm of a watchdog. Lord Black, executive director of Torygraph Media Group and chairman of the Press Standards Board of Finance, which funds the Press Complaints Commission, has also been lobbying against any form of statutory-based system, warning it could take three years to establish, and possibly longer because of the threat of a legal challenge. During prime minister's questions last week, Cameron said what mattered was an independent regulator that could impose fines and investigate wrongdoing by newspapers.
BBC iPlayer has this week gone live on Sky+, as part of the satellite platform's recently-launched shift to offering catch-up television. After an announcement earlier in the year, the corporation's video on-demand service, iPlayer, went live at 9am on Tuesday to the around 6.7 million homes with a Sky+ HD box and a broadband connection. These satellite homes can access iPlayer directly from Sky's new On Demand part of the TV guide, enabling them to catch up on shows such as Doctor Who, Strictly Come Dancing and EastEnders. Sky already offers the standalone ITV Player and Demand 5 services to Sky+ homes, and will add Channel Four's 4oD in early 2013, at which stage Sky will be able to offer all the on-demand services of the UK public service broadcasters. Previously, Sky+ users had to proactively set recordings of PSB shows on their box if they were going out, or they would miss the programme entirely. Alongside PSB catch up, Sky's new On Demand section also offers catch-up on Sky and partner channels, as well as box sets, such as Mad Men and An Idiot Abroad, and movie rentals from the Sky Store. BBC iPlayer has been integrated into Sky's existing TV guide and on-demand menus. Viewers are able to browse programming under a series of categories, including channel, day and genre. They can watch content in both standard and high definition where available. Once a customer selects a programme, it is downloaded directly to their Sky+ planner ready to be watched at a time that suits them.
The launch of BBC iPlayer on Sky - which seemed unlikely to happen at one stage - is the latest expansion of the BBC's catch-up TV service, which is now available on more than six hundred and fifty different platforms. Last month, iPlayer racked up almost two hundred million requests for programming, including a massive 2.2m for a new episode of Doctor Who. By launching on Sky+, the five-year-old BBC iPlayer platform is now available on every major UK television platform for free. Daniel Danker, the general manager of BBC Programmes and On Demand, said: 'BBC iPlayer has had a record-breaking year, with two billion requests for programmes in 2011, and nearly two hundred million requests in September 2012 alone. Available on over six hundred and fifty platforms and devices across PC, mobile, tablet and Internet-connected TVs, we are delighted that iPlayer is now also available to millions of Sky+ homes. Twenty per cent of all iPlayer use is already on the living room TV. By partnering with Sky, BBC iPlayer is available on all major UK TV platforms at no extra charge, making sure our audiences can access the best of the BBC's content at home and on the go, whenever and wherever they choose.' Sky's director of TV products Luke Bradley-Jones added: 'Providing customers with the flexibility to enjoy their favourite TV on demand, our comprehensive catch-up TV service perfectly complements the genius of Sky+, which already helps millions of our customers take charge of their viewing. We continue to put Sky customers in control, with the addition of BBC iPlayer to Sky+ sitting alongside a range of innovations including remote record, series link and now even being able to use your iPad as a remote control.'
In the digital world, five years is a lifetime - so the BBC Trust has commissioned a second review into how BBC Online and the Red Button are doing. The last review of the BBC's Online and Red Button services were in 2008 and 2010 respectively. This process will be 'more focused', a BBC statement said, 'looking at how the services are meeting the objectives set for them by the last reviews, how well they are serving their audiences and how they have adapted to changes in technology, media and audience behaviour.' Running parallel with this is a public consultation, which will seek views from licence fee payers, relevant organisations and stakeholders. The 2008 service licence review of BBC Online highlighted concerns over financial controls and strategic and editorial leadership. The document criticised management controls for having an 'unacceptable' lack of accountability, resulting in an overspend of nearly twenty nine million smackers. Last November, an update into Online's performance was published in a BBC Trust report.
It broadly found that improvements had been made in spending and leadership. BBC Online's annual service spend stood at one hundred and twenty million notes last year. It has a target to reduce its budget by twenty five per cent before 2014. Earlier this month, the Red Button service reduced its video streams from five to one, bringing it in line with the Freeview offering. The reduction was part of Delivering Quality First. Two years ago, the BBC Trust review concluded that the BBC should reduce the amount of money it spends on the Red Button service. The report found that while it was the UK's most-used interactive TV service - with 12.7m users per week - its cost of thirty nine million quid in 2009 needed to be cut. Suzanna Taverne, the BBC Trustee who is leading the current review, said: 'The BBC's digital offer is constantly evolving. Last time we examined BBC Online, the now firmly established iPlayer did not even exist - so it is particularly important to review these services regularly.' She added: 'I am keen for this review to ensure that these service licences are fit for purpose and give them the space to develop and innovate in order to continue meeting licence fee payers' needs and expectations.'
Edwyn Collins has been honoured for his contribution to the music industry, seven years after he almost died from a double brain haemorrhage. Collins, known for his work with 1980s funksters Orange Juice and his 1995 solo hit 'A Girl Like You', was recognised at the Association of Independent Music Awards.
Adele was given the title of the 'most played independent act' at the ceremony, held at The Brewery in East London. The awards honour the best acts signed to the UK's independent record labels.
Edwyn, fifty three, was left unable to walk, talk or read after suffering a stroke and two haemorrhages in 2005. But the Scot recovered enough to record again, work as a producer and publish a book of his illustrations of British birds. Collins was in attendance to collect his outstanding contribution award from his friends and collaborators Vic Godard and Frankie and the Heartstrings. Daniel Miller, founder of Mute Records, also received an honorary award at Monday's event, hosted by BBC DJs Huw Stephens and Steve Lamacq. The Prodigy were named best live act, while Enter Shikari's A Flash of Colour was named independent CD of the year.
Now, do you want to see a video of a cat drinking beer, dear blog readers? Course you do.
A man in Poland has been fined for cycling naked with his pants on his head. Well, we've all done it, be fair. Piotr Chmielewski alerted traffic police after setting off a speed camera in Bialy Bor, exceeding the thirty miles per hour speed limit while cycling.
According to Orange News, traffic police found Chmielewski 'in a state of undress' when they caught up with him. It was then that they noticed Chmielewski was completely naked apart from his underwear, which he was wearing on his head. Because, they're observant like that, the Polish poliss. He had, apparently, been fully clothed when he set off the speed camera. Police spokesman Waldemar Lada confirmed that two fines totalling around two hundred smackers had subsequently been issued for the incident: one for speeding, and one for indecent exposure. Chmielewski had unsuccessfully argued that at the time of arrest he had, in fact, been wearing a thong.
A widower in Belgrade, Serbia has honoured his wife's last request by having a replica of her vagina etched onto her tombstone. When Milena Marinkovic died three years ago, she left her husband, Milan, a letter explaining the reasoning behind her strange request. She said that she didn't want Milan looking at other women after she died. The letter said: 'I don't want you chasing other women. This way you will always remember me.' Milena left detailed instructions, including photos of her minge, 'to ensure complete accuracy.'
However, her husband had a difficult time finding a stonecutter who would agree to do the job, as most he asked said the request was 'blasphemous.' or, at least, in questionable taste. The seventy two-year-old recently found a stonemason who was finally willing to do the tombstone front-bottom engraving, and he is said to be 'pleased' with the final result. 'Now it's finished, I love it and it's a really good likeness,' he told the Austrian Times. 'And this way, a part of her will always be with me.' Although many people have seen the tombstone, most can't tell that the etching is, in fact, a representation of a twinkle cave. Milan recalled his brother-in-law asking why the bird on her tombstone had such a large beak, saying: 'I couldn't help but laugh.'
For today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, here's Edwyn and chums and a little masterpiece.
And, by that, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping means a catastrophically dreadful idea. The stuff of thoroughly rotten fan-fiction, no less. 'I think Mark and Steven kind of hate the idea of Doctor Who and Sherlock ever meeting,' said the thirty-year-old actor. However, he added: 'I'm not averse to it. I'm kind of open. I'm like, yeah [it could work], because I just think they would find each other so remarkable.' In 2010, Moffat claimed that it would be 'quite hard' to pull off a Doctor Who-Sherlock crossover but admitted that fan interest in the idea was high, suggesting that 'everyone who's passing me in the street is suggesting that.' Which is probably one very good reason for not doing it. 'I think there are problems of doing [a crossover],' he said. 'Because then you would say that Sherlock Holmes lives in the same world as The Doctor, and there are Daleks and all sorts of things. If a Sherlock Holmes story depends on time travel being impossible, it's quite hard [to do it] if he's a personal friend of The Doctor's.' Or, indeed, otherwise.
Top Gear also had the better of Channel Four's 999: What's Your Emergency?, which had 2.4 million viewers. The slot was won by the last in the current series of BBC1's New Tricks (with the episode that should have been shown last week but, wasn't). The ninth season of the popular cold case crime drama starring Dennis Waterman and Amanda Redman finished with 6.8 million viewers. Elsewhere, BBC2 cookery show Nigellissima - during which the hostess constantly told viewers about her 'moist plums', no sniggering at the back - finished its six-part run with 2.2 million viewers between 8.30pm and 9pm. Also between 8.30pm and 9pm, Panorama's follow-up to its Winterbourne View hospital investigation was watched by 2.96 million viewers. New Sky Atlantic panel show, Don't Sit in the Front Row, hosted by yer actual Jack Dee, began with forty five thousand viewers between 9pm and 9.30pm. Despite its small audience, it was still forty per cent up on the channel's slot average. New Children's BBC series Wizards Vs Aliens, from former Doctor Who showrunner Russell Davies, began with just under five hundred thousand viewers on the CBBC channel. Only Connect still couldn't quite hit the million viewers mark, but topped the multi-channels with a hefty nine hundred and eighty three thousand punters for BBC4 at 8.30pm, beating Arrow's seven hundred and fourteen thousand for Sky1. Overall, BBC1 led primetime with twenty three per cent versus 20.7 per cent for ITV.Here's the final consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Four programmes week-ending 21 October 2012:-
1 Downton Abbey - ITV Sun - 11.63m
2 Strictly Come Dancing - BBC1 Sat - 10.97m
3 The X Factor - ITV Sun - 9.84m
4 Coronation Street - ITV Mon - 9.74m
5 Emmerdale - ITV Wed - 9.47m
6 EastEnders - BBC1 Mon - 8.49m
7 New Tricks - BBC1 Mon - 8.20m
8 The Great British Bake Off - BBC2+BBC HD Tues - 7.32m
9 Countryfile - BBC1 Sun - 7.03m
10 Merlin - BBC1 Sat - 6.86m
11 Antiques Roadshow - BBC1 Sun - 5.70m
12 Have I Got News For You - BBC1 Fri - 5.64m
13 The Paradise - BBC1 Tues - 5.14m
14 Casualty - BBC1 Sat - 5.13m
15 Six O'Clock News - BBC1 Wed - 5.03m
16 DCI Banks - ITV Wed - 5.02m*
17 Ten O'Clock News - BBC1 Tues - 5.00m
18 Holby City - BBC1 Tues - 4.80m
19 BBC News - BBC1 Tues - 4.76m 20 Hunted - BBC1 Thurs - 4.53m
21 Watchdog - BBC1 Wed - 4.44m
22 Paul O'Grady: For The Love of Dogs - ITV Mon - 4.43m*
23 Pointless Celebrities - BBC1 Sat - 4.37m
24 Surprise, Surprise - ITV Sun - 4.34m*
Programmes marked with '*' do not include HD figures.
Yer actual Sir Roger Moore his very self is to host an episode of Have I Got News For You. The actor will join team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton on Friday 23 November. 'I'm really looking forward to appearing on one of my favourite shows and just hope Ian and Paul will treat this old English actor gently,' said Moore.
'If not, I'll press the button which releases their chairs into a piranha-filled pool below and will cackle wildly like Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Who said I wasn't a ham?' Comedian and actor Marcus Brigstocke and journalist and author Rachel Johnson will appear as guests alongside Moore, Hislop and Merton. Eighty five-year-old Moore is best known for playing James Bond in seven movies and also for starring in the 1960s spy series The Saint. The current - forty fourth - series of popular topical news quiz Have I Got News For You continues at 9pm on Friday nights on BBC1 until 21 December, with the extended repeats Have I Got A Bit More News For You screening on Monday nights at 10.35pm.Mo Farah and Nicola Adams will reportedly be among the stars of a one-off special of Superstars for the BBC. Queue the music. Sorry, it's just whenever that programme gets mentioned, I always feel the Johnny Pearson music coming on. It's contagious. Alistair and Jonny Brownlee, Beth Tweddle, Anthony Joshua and Gemma Gibbons will also appear in an Olympics special of the classic sports competition show this Christmas, according to the Sun. So, this is almost certainly lies, in that case.
Sixteen British Olympic athletes will compete in six events that they do not usually practice in, including the sprint, long-distance run, swimming, obstacle course, rowing, cycling, tennis and squat thrusts and dips. Superstars - queue the music - will be held at Team GB's training centre at Bath University in November, and will be broadcast around Christmas. An alleged 'source' allegedly said: 'We have all seen what the Olympians can do at the 2012 Games but now is a chance to see them put to the ultimate test. Move over gold medals, the Superstars - queue the music - title is the one they really want. How will the Brownlee boys fare trying to out-canoe each other? Has Mo Farah got what it takes to cycle like Bradley Wiggins? These are questions we will endeavour to find out.'Mary Berry is reportedly 'unsure' about whether she would appear on the planned US version of The Great British Bake Off. CBS announced the show, which has the working title Bake Off, earlier this month. The Sun quotes Berry as saying: 'I have no idea if I will be asked. I've not thought about it and I'm not going to think about it, as it would mean being away a lot.'
However, Berry's fellow judge, yer actual Paul Hollywood, has apparently said that he would be interested in a role on the show, potentially as its host. An alleged 'insider' allegedly claimed that executives are, allegedly, 'desperate' for Berry and Hollywood to be involved in CBS's Bake Off, as they believe the pair's 'lightness of touch' will be popular with viewers in the United States. Richard McKerrow, who launched the series in the UK as executive producer, will oversee Bake Off for Love Productions USA. International versions of the show have already launched in countries such as Belgium, Denmark, Sweden and Poland. The format will also premiere in Australia, Ireland and France during 2013.Channel Four are to broadcast a drama which is described as being 'a celebration of the small pleasures of everyday life.' Michael Winterbottom's story charts the tale of four children separated from their father, and a wife separated from her husband. The father Ian – played by John Simm – is in prison. The mother Karen – Shirley Henderson – has to bring up a family of four children by herself. Filmed over a period of five years, Everyday uses the repetitions and rhythms of everyday life to explore how a family can survive a prolonged period apart. Winterbottom says of his film: 'A lot of films deal with stories that take place over a long period of time. I've just done a film now with Steve Coogan about Paul Raymond which goes from 1958 to 1992.
But you tend to do it with very conventional techniques. You're still making it over a period of seven or eight weeks, you're still packing it in, so it's all done with wigs and make-up. So with children especially you end up having different children playing the same role. It's very unsatisfactory. This is a film about how the relationship between children and their dad can survive a long separation, how that effects the relationship with their mum, and the relationship between the mum and the dad. And rather than do it in six weeks and try and fake it all, we did it over the same length of time that the story is supposed to take place.' The story unfolds in a series of visits, first the family visiting the father in prison, later the father visiting the family at home. With each visit the distance between the children and their father becomes harder to bridge. Sounds rather good. Everyday will be broadcast on Channel Four in November.Carol Vorderman has claimed that she was 'banned' from the Countdown studio after leaving the show. Which, if true, is really funny. She should've got herself unionised. Particularly as it's a nine-letter word. (Thanks to Andy Parsons for that joke.)
Sir Ian McKellen and Derek Jacobi are set to star in a new ITV sitcom about an elderly gay couple. Vicious Old Queens - excellent title and one, obviously, chosen to get up the noses of the Daily Scum Mail - has been written by Gary Janetti, who previously worked on Will & Grace and Family Guy. The two veteran Thespians will play the couple, who live together in London's Covent Garden. A series of six half-hour episodes is being lined-up for broadcast from April, according to the Lies on Sunday.
Last week, Sir Ian – who previously appeared in Ricky Gervais's Extras, said that hiding his sexuality for years had been crucial in helping him perfect his acting skills. This will not be the first time a mainstream gay sitcom has been tried in recent years. BBC1 previously piloted the potential primetime show, George And Bernard Shaw, with Robert Lindsay and Richard Griffith playing a middle-aged gay couple. The comedy was written by John Finnemore, the creator of Radio 4's Cabin Pressure.The X Factor contestant Zoe Alexander has reportedly won a small acting role on Doctor Who according to an Internet website. The Welsh singer 'shocked and stunned' the talent show's judges Louis Walsh, Tulisa Contostavlos, Gary Barlow and Nicole Scherzinger with an angry expletive-filled tirade when she was rejected from the competition.
Alexander - who claimed that X Factor producers had instructed her to sing a Pink song - has since turned her attentions to acting and will have a minor role in a 2013 Doctor Who episode, according to Wales Online. 'It's great to be working on Doctor Who - the people are a lot nicer than some you get to meet working in TV,' said the twenty two-year-old, not referring to anyone in particular. Oh no, very hot water. 'I'm loving it but I'm hoping that this is just a start for me.' In June, it was claimed that Alexander was being investigated by police for assault, after pushing a cameraman and producer during her X Factor meltdown. Welcome to Doctor Who, Zoe. Meet the family. 
Andrew Marr's History of the World, which went up against Downton Abbey on BBC1, has suffered in the ratings with just 2.3 million viewers for last Sunday's outing, a quarter of the ITV drama's overnight audience of 9.5 million. With its early autumn launch, the BBC1 controller beat ITV's rival department-store drama Mr Selfridge, a ten million smackers project starring Jeremy Piven, to the screen. Cohen added: 'I'm delighted that the show will be returning for a second series, and can assure its loyal following that there are still some dramatic twists to come in the three episodes still to air this autumn.' Writer Bill Gallagher, who previously made his name with another popular costume drama, Lark Rise to Candleford, loosely adapted The Paradise from the French novel by Émile Zola. The first four episodes had a consolidated average audience of 5.9 million viewers.The website for BBC1's So You Think You Can Dance 'breached accuracy guidelines' in stating that a contestant had come fourth in the competition, when, in fact, she had come third. As though anybody but the world's biggest pedant is in the slightest bit bothered about nonsense like that. Some may, rightly, consider that the BBC Trust should be concentrating their time on far more important affairs than trivial bollocks like this. Particularly as the show in question only had an audience of about twelve anyway. That's why it was cancelled. Although the information on the website was, subsequently, corrected, the corporation's Editorial Standards Committee ruled this had not been done 'quickly, clearly or appropriately.' And, by doing so they justified their existence for another month. The ruling relates to the show's 2011 final, won by tap dancer Matt Flint.
Presenter Cat Deeley described Kirsty Swain as 'the first person leaving the competition tonight.' On the programme's website, it was initially stated that the jazz dancer had finished the contest in fourth place. Following a complaint - by whom, the BBC doesn't say - it was established that Swain had polled more votes than fellow competitor Katie Love and had, thus, come third in the audience vote. 'So what, Keith Telly Topping?' I hear you bellow, dear blog reader. I can only concur with your rank befuddlement. It was also established that the order in which the positions was announced by Deeley was at the production team's discretion and bore no relation to the number of votes cast. In its ruling upholding the complaint, the Editorial Standards Committee said 'insufficient account had been taken of the significance in the dance world of a national competition broadcast by the BBC.' Other media went on to report the inaccurate positions of the two dancers based on information placed on the show's official website. Meanwhile, here's some news that more than one person actually gives a stuff about ... Several American broadcasters pulled episodes of their most popular shows on Monday evening ahead of the arrival of Hurricane Sandy on the East coast. The CW, CBS and NBC all postponed part of their Monday night line-up with episodes of the shows now rescheduled for next week. CBS postponed episodes of comedies How I Met Your Mother, Two Broke Girls, Partners and Mike & Molly as well as its crime drama Hawaii Five-0. The CW meanwhile delayed episodes of teen dramas Gossip Girl and 90210 – broadcasting repeats of both shows instead. NBC also pulled Matthew Perry's Go On and The New Normal from its schedules due to coverage of Hurricane Sandy.
Former BBC chairman Michael Grade told the Daily Scum Mail on Tuesday that press curbs would not have stopped the publication of topless photographs of Kate Middleton. Referring to Ireland where the pictures were published, Grade said: 'I doubt it has escaped Lord Justice Leveson's attention that the photographs of the duchess were published in countries with regulatory regimes offered as possible solutions for the UK. On this evidence, his menu of available options seems to be shrinking,' said Grade. Tory politicians also appear to be sharpening their knives for a battle over Leveson. On Sunday, the communities secretary, big fat cuddly lard bucket (and drag) Eric Pickles, said the government should be reluctant to bring in new laws to regulate newspapers following the publication of Leveson's report. Pickles said the press was working towards a way of offering proper recourse for those with legitimate complaints, adding that the right of newspapers to expose corruption must be protected. He said that ministers must be very careful about introducing statutory regulation if Lord Justice Leveson recommends a new independent watchdog to monitor the press. The Labour party, which helped pressure David Cameron into launching the Leveson inquiry in July last year in the aftermath of revelations that Milly Dowler's phone had been hacked, is likely to back his recommendations 'as long as they are reasonable,' said one alleged 'source.' This alleged 'source', according to the Gruniad Morning Star argued that statues governing issues such as defamation and data protection already apply to the press and there is nothing to be feared from a law that gives legal standing to bodies such as the libel resolutions arm of a watchdog. Lord Black, executive director of Torygraph Media Group and chairman of the Press Standards Board of Finance, which funds the Press Complaints Commission, has also been lobbying against any form of statutory-based system, warning it could take three years to establish, and possibly longer because of the threat of a legal challenge. During prime minister's questions last week, Cameron said what mattered was an independent regulator that could impose fines and investigate wrongdoing by newspapers.BBC iPlayer has this week gone live on Sky+, as part of the satellite platform's recently-launched shift to offering catch-up television. After an announcement earlier in the year, the corporation's video on-demand service, iPlayer, went live at 9am on Tuesday to the around 6.7 million homes with a Sky+ HD box and a broadband connection. These satellite homes can access iPlayer directly from Sky's new On Demand part of the TV guide, enabling them to catch up on shows such as Doctor Who, Strictly Come Dancing and EastEnders. Sky already offers the standalone ITV Player and Demand 5 services to Sky+ homes, and will add Channel Four's 4oD in early 2013, at which stage Sky will be able to offer all the on-demand services of the UK public service broadcasters. Previously, Sky+ users had to proactively set recordings of PSB shows on their box if they were going out, or they would miss the programme entirely. Alongside PSB catch up, Sky's new On Demand section also offers catch-up on Sky and partner channels, as well as box sets, such as Mad Men and An Idiot Abroad, and movie rentals from the Sky Store. BBC iPlayer has been integrated into Sky's existing TV guide and on-demand menus. Viewers are able to browse programming under a series of categories, including channel, day and genre. They can watch content in both standard and high definition where available. Once a customer selects a programme, it is downloaded directly to their Sky+ planner ready to be watched at a time that suits them.
The launch of BBC iPlayer on Sky - which seemed unlikely to happen at one stage - is the latest expansion of the BBC's catch-up TV service, which is now available on more than six hundred and fifty different platforms. Last month, iPlayer racked up almost two hundred million requests for programming, including a massive 2.2m for a new episode of Doctor Who. By launching on Sky+, the five-year-old BBC iPlayer platform is now available on every major UK television platform for free. Daniel Danker, the general manager of BBC Programmes and On Demand, said: 'BBC iPlayer has had a record-breaking year, with two billion requests for programmes in 2011, and nearly two hundred million requests in September 2012 alone. Available on over six hundred and fifty platforms and devices across PC, mobile, tablet and Internet-connected TVs, we are delighted that iPlayer is now also available to millions of Sky+ homes. Twenty per cent of all iPlayer use is already on the living room TV. By partnering with Sky, BBC iPlayer is available on all major UK TV platforms at no extra charge, making sure our audiences can access the best of the BBC's content at home and on the go, whenever and wherever they choose.' Sky's director of TV products Luke Bradley-Jones added: 'Providing customers with the flexibility to enjoy their favourite TV on demand, our comprehensive catch-up TV service perfectly complements the genius of Sky+, which already helps millions of our customers take charge of their viewing. We continue to put Sky customers in control, with the addition of BBC iPlayer to Sky+ sitting alongside a range of innovations including remote record, series link and now even being able to use your iPad as a remote control.' In the digital world, five years is a lifetime - so the BBC Trust has commissioned a second review into how BBC Online and the Red Button are doing. The last review of the BBC's Online and Red Button services were in 2008 and 2010 respectively. This process will be 'more focused', a BBC statement said, 'looking at how the services are meeting the objectives set for them by the last reviews, how well they are serving their audiences and how they have adapted to changes in technology, media and audience behaviour.' Running parallel with this is a public consultation, which will seek views from licence fee payers, relevant organisations and stakeholders. The 2008 service licence review of BBC Online highlighted concerns over financial controls and strategic and editorial leadership. The document criticised management controls for having an 'unacceptable' lack of accountability, resulting in an overspend of nearly twenty nine million smackers. Last November, an update into Online's performance was published in a BBC Trust report.
It broadly found that improvements had been made in spending and leadership. BBC Online's annual service spend stood at one hundred and twenty million notes last year. It has a target to reduce its budget by twenty five per cent before 2014. Earlier this month, the Red Button service reduced its video streams from five to one, bringing it in line with the Freeview offering. The reduction was part of Delivering Quality First. Two years ago, the BBC Trust review concluded that the BBC should reduce the amount of money it spends on the Red Button service. The report found that while it was the UK's most-used interactive TV service - with 12.7m users per week - its cost of thirty nine million quid in 2009 needed to be cut. Suzanna Taverne, the BBC Trustee who is leading the current review, said: 'The BBC's digital offer is constantly evolving. Last time we examined BBC Online, the now firmly established iPlayer did not even exist - so it is particularly important to review these services regularly.' She added: 'I am keen for this review to ensure that these service licences are fit for purpose and give them the space to develop and innovate in order to continue meeting licence fee payers' needs and expectations.'Edwyn Collins has been honoured for his contribution to the music industry, seven years after he almost died from a double brain haemorrhage. Collins, known for his work with 1980s funksters Orange Juice and his 1995 solo hit 'A Girl Like You', was recognised at the Association of Independent Music Awards.
Adele was given the title of the 'most played independent act' at the ceremony, held at The Brewery in East London. The awards honour the best acts signed to the UK's independent record labels.
Edwyn, fifty three, was left unable to walk, talk or read after suffering a stroke and two haemorrhages in 2005. But the Scot recovered enough to record again, work as a producer and publish a book of his illustrations of British birds. Collins was in attendance to collect his outstanding contribution award from his friends and collaborators Vic Godard and Frankie and the Heartstrings. Daniel Miller, founder of Mute Records, also received an honorary award at Monday's event, hosted by BBC DJs Huw Stephens and Steve Lamacq. The Prodigy were named best live act, while Enter Shikari's A Flash of Colour was named independent CD of the year.Now, do you want to see a video of a cat drinking beer, dear blog readers? Course you do.
A man in Poland has been fined for cycling naked with his pants on his head. Well, we've all done it, be fair. Piotr Chmielewski alerted traffic police after setting off a speed camera in Bialy Bor, exceeding the thirty miles per hour speed limit while cycling.
According to Orange News, traffic police found Chmielewski 'in a state of undress' when they caught up with him. It was then that they noticed Chmielewski was completely naked apart from his underwear, which he was wearing on his head. Because, they're observant like that, the Polish poliss. He had, apparently, been fully clothed when he set off the speed camera. Police spokesman Waldemar Lada confirmed that two fines totalling around two hundred smackers had subsequently been issued for the incident: one for speeding, and one for indecent exposure. Chmielewski had unsuccessfully argued that at the time of arrest he had, in fact, been wearing a thong.A widower in Belgrade, Serbia has honoured his wife's last request by having a replica of her vagina etched onto her tombstone. When Milena Marinkovic died three years ago, she left her husband, Milan, a letter explaining the reasoning behind her strange request. She said that she didn't want Milan looking at other women after she died. The letter said: 'I don't want you chasing other women. This way you will always remember me.' Milena left detailed instructions, including photos of her minge, 'to ensure complete accuracy.'
However, her husband had a difficult time finding a stonecutter who would agree to do the job, as most he asked said the request was 'blasphemous.' or, at least, in questionable taste. The seventy two-year-old recently found a stonemason who was finally willing to do the tombstone front-bottom engraving, and he is said to be 'pleased' with the final result. 'Now it's finished, I love it and it's a really good likeness,' he told the Austrian Times. 'And this way, a part of her will always be with me.' Although many people have seen the tombstone, most can't tell that the etching is, in fact, a representation of a twinkle cave. Milan recalled his brother-in-law asking why the bird on her tombstone had such a large beak, saying: 'I couldn't help but laugh.'For today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, here's Edwyn and chums and a little masterpiece.
