Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Who Ate All The Pies?

Britain's Got Talent basketball act Face Team have been accused of 'getting preferential treatment' after appearing on two Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads' shows. I'm not sure whom they've been accused by, per se, and whether these accusers are persons of any consequence whatsoever, who've ever done a single worthwhile thing in their entire lives. Given that the accusations, such as they are, seemed to have come from that final arbiter of the worth of all things (at least, according the Gruniad Morning Star), Twitter, one suspects not. The group, who appeared on last weekend's BGT auditions show with their trampolining basketball act, had previously worked for Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads and alongside Ant and/or Dec on their ITV big-money flop Red or Black? Face Team competed in a game of Red or Black? where they had to see who could do the longest slam-dunk off a trampoline. However, on Saturday's Britain's Got Talent Ant, Dec and Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads appeared - or feigned - to have no idea who the Hungarian group were. Well, let's face it, hardly anybody else watched risible overblown fiasco Red or Black?, so there's no reason why they should either, even though they were, you know, in it. 'Viewers' quickly complained - on Twitter - claiming that the group were clearly 'getting special treatment' from Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads, who awarded them a pass to the second round of the competition. 'They're getting special treatment' said one person on Twitter, using a ridiculously silly screen-name so that his friends and family wouldn't know he'd been watching Britain's Got Talent instead of The Voice. 'It's not right and it's not fair, so it is. I'm going to complain to my MP,' he continued. Only, you know, with much worse spelling. However, an alleged 'show source' has allegedly 'denied any wrongdoing or favouritism' and told the alleged Sun newspaper that Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads was 'unaware' of the act because he was 'in the US' when the group appeared on Red or Black? The alleged 'source' allegedly added: 'Face Team were booked by ITV Studios, not Simon's company Syco. There's nothing to stop an act that appeared on Red or Black? performing on Britain's Got Talent. 'Simon didn't say anything like, "I have never seen this", like the other judges and in fact said they had to improve.' So, that's all right then, and Twitter has been calmed by these reassurances and turned their attention, instead, to more usual activities, like posting disgraceful racial abuse about footballers, bragging about how many pints they can drink before vomiting and wittering on about the goings on in The Only Way is Essex. Aren't you beyond glad you live in the Twenty First Century, dear blog reader? A time of such progress.

Noel Gallagher has revealed that he was thoroughly searched three times at the recent Coachella festival. The singer-songwriter was stopped by security while trying to get into the Palm Springs event on Saturday ahead of his live performance. Security officials 'became concerned' after they found thirty white and yellow sleeping pills on his person. 'We got body-searched coming in. It was like an airport. It is me, I suppose, so they might know the history,' he told the Sun. 'They pulled out my sleeping tablets and asked me to explain them. There were about thirty little yellow and white tablets. I said, "In all seriousness, Chuck, or whatever your name is, do you not think these would at least be down my sock? They're sleeping tablets. What do you want me to do? Take one before I go on stage to prove what they are?"' Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds made their Coachella debut appearance on Sunday night and seemed to have gone down something of a storm, with Gallagher dedicating 'Half The World Away' to all the British ex-pats in the audience.

A witness at the trial of Silvio Berlusconi has claimed that strippers dressed as nuns performed for the former Italian prime minister at a party. We'll, be fair, we've all been to those sort of parties. Haven't we? Model Imane Fadil alleged that she had been given two thousand euros by Berlusconi the first time she attended one of his notorious bunga bunga parties. She was one of several women who arrived at a Milan courthouse on Monday to testify in Berlusconi's trial. He is accused of paying for sex with an underage nightclub dancer. The woman, Moroccan-born Karima el-Mahroug, was seventeen when she allegedly had sex with the prime minister. He is also accused of abusing his powers by getting police to release Mahroug - better known by her stage name Ruby The Heart Stealer - from jail after she was arrested for shoplifting. Fadil told the court that she had attended 'several' parties at Berlusconi's villa outside Milan. She alleges that the first night she went, she saw two young women in nun costumes stripping for the prime minister. One, she said, was Nicole Minetti, now a regional councillor for Berlusconi's People of Freedom party in Milan. Fadil claimed that Minetti and the other woman dressed as a nun stayed the night at the villa, and that women who attended bunga bunga parties were paid for sex. Italian newspaper Corriere della Sera reported last week that Berlusconi had paid a total of one hundred and twenty seven thousand euros to three female witnesses, including Minetti, since the trial began last year. Berlusconi's lawyer, Niccolo Ghedini, denied the payments were an attempt to influence the women's testimony, saying that they were 'legal' and 'reflected the former prime minister's usual generosity', AFP news agency reports. Hey, come on, this is far funnier than Horsegate, any day if the week. The current trial is one of three that the businessman, AC Milan owner and former prime minister is currently a defendant in. The other two relate to tax fraud and violating official secrets, while earlier this year an Italian court threw out a fourth case relating to bribery claims. Berlusconi stepped down in November 2011 over concerns about Italy's economy.

Producers of Downton Abbey have now denied reports from earlier in the week that Dame Maggie Smith is to leave the show. It was reported that the veteran actress has asked showrunner, Lord Snooty, to write her character out at the end of the third series to free up time for her movie and stage pursuits. The Los Angeles Times reports, however, that a representative from Carnival Films, which produces the programme, is denying the actress's departure. The spokesperson said: 'Series three is currently filming with Maggie along with the other cast. We do not comment on future storylines. However, there is no truth in the story that Maggie is leaving the show.' It was earlier revealed by producer Kate Beaton that the third series of Downton Abbey will have a major character death, which some had speculated to be Smith's character.

And, in further shocking - but, not entirely unamusing - developments, it seems that Lord Snooty's Titanic has sunk just as fast on the other side of the Atlantic as it did, you know, in it. A huge and spectacular flop on British TV, in America the four-part series was shown on ABC who, no doubt, expected another Lord Snooty-size smash hit ala Downton Abbey. 'fraid not. Over there, Titanic was shown as a pair of two-hour movies over consecutive nights, Saturday and Sunday, and pulled in average audiences of just over four million punters on each night. Which is, slightly, more viewers than watched the final two parts in the UK. But then, America is a bigger country.

Stand-up comedian Chris Ramsey - whom yer actual Keith Telly Topping reckons is one of the funnier young comedians on the circuit - has reportedly signed a development deal with BBC3, to work on a new show based on Twitter. You know, the arbiter of all things. Allegedly. With the working title @ChrisRamsey, the programme will cover topics making an impact on social media, from 'major world events to the most vapid and warped celebrity goings-on.' To whether this basketball team on Britain's Got Talent are getting preferential treatment. You know, vital shit like that. This news follows Ramsey landing the lead role in the new six-part BBC2 sitcom Hebburn, written by his friend and fellow comic Jason Cook and also starring Vic Reeves. @ChrisRamsey is said to be in development for the BBC by Avalon Television – which also makes Russell Howard's Good News for BBC3. It's not the only social-media comedy in development. The BBC has also been working on an improvised series based on tweeted suggestions, while Jonathan Ross has made a pilot of a show called Trending Topics for ITV. Which was, according to those who saw it, about as funny as a genital wart. Ramsey was nominated for the Edinburgh Comedy Award last year. And he is funny, so don't let all this Twitter bollocks put you off!

The Sex Pistols classic protest song 'God Save The Queen' is to be re-released thirty five years after its debut, in time for the Diamond Jubilee in June. The song, which featured a defaced image of the Queen on the original cover, was released during the Silver Jubilee in 1977 and was subsequently banned by the BBC.
A family has revealed how they were 'surprised' to have found a used dishcloth inside a store-bought pie. Painter Leigh Sylvester had eaten a quarter of the beef and onion pie before discovering the dirty piece of material. His wife, Vicky, told Metro: 'It was shocking and looked like it had been used for wiping machinery or something. It was heavily stained and made all our stomachs heave.' What, so if it hadn't been stained that would've been all right then, would it? The hospital worker had purchased the meal from a Farmfoods store in Wolverton, Milton Keynes, and added that her family had been 'forever' put off pies. Now, that is a tragedy. 'It was revolting. The cloth wasn't even clean, it had stains all over it.' i repeat, if it had been clean, that would've been fine, would it? 'I don't know if it's their new flavour they are trying out - cloth and onion pie,' she said. Ho, ho. Bit of comedy there to lighten a very serious situation. Hope you got that, dear blog reader. 'The worst thing of all is that we don't know what the cloth had been used on.' No, I think the worst thing of all was the fact that it was in your pie in the first place, Vicky, love. Everything else is rather superfluous to that. Vicky added that she rejected compensations of twenty quid and fifty quid from the store, saying: 'We're not eating pie ever again, let alone stepping foot into the shop again.' So, instead she sold her story to a newspaper. One wonders, exactly, how much more than fifty quid she got for that. A Farmfoods spokesperson stated that they have 'passed on the complaint' to the pie's manufacturer FreshPack. Who, no doubt, said that it 'wasn't usual policy' to have dishcloths in their pies and not to complain too loudly or everyone'll want one.

For today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, dear blog reader, here's a bit of yer actual Goddamn righteous dub reggae, an'ting. Mighty.

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