Comedy line of the week, dear blog reader, came from the great Graham Linehan on Friday night's episode of Have I Got News For You when discussing the demise of Ceefax. 'I heard about the death of Princess Diana on Ceefex,' the Father Ted and The IT Crowd author noted. 'I never found out how she died, I'm still waiting for the second page to load!'
It was a particularly good episode with all of the contributors and guest host Jo Brand on fine form and some caustic mockery aimed in the direction of several well-deserving subjects. Even if their routine about the proposed name-change for the Austrian town of Fucking wasn't as witty as this blogger's effort two days previously. Just blowing my own cornet there, dear blog reader. Well, no one else is going to.
There was more good news for Have I Got News For You in the ratings. It's 5.3m overnight average (and, that of the subsequent 4.2m for Not Going Out) were both enough to give odious, oily twat Piers Morgan and his risible, disgusting Life Stories yet another damned good slap, hard, in the mush (4.1m). Crucially, despite all of the odious, oily Morgan's bollocks on Twitter about how The Apprentice is 'dying' and Life Stories is 'rampaging ahead' he's still lost to Ian Hislop (and Lee Mack, to boot) for the second week in a row. And not by a little bit either.
Before that, Would I Like To You? also provided an entertaining diversion for half an hour. If you missed it, this blogger particularly recommends Katie Humble's tall tale about making sure that, every time she gets her hair cut, she takes the discarded hair away with her to help birds build nests.
Upstairs Downstairs has been cancelled according to one of its actors, Neil Jackson, who posted on Twitter: 'Such a shame. I have just heard that the BBC will not be making any more Upstairs Downstairs. I loved the show and will miss is greatly.' So will a lot of people but, in the end, it's hardly a surprising decision considering what the costume drama's ratings trajectory was like during its second series. Having said that, despite the falling figures, it's a big call - presumably from Ben Stephenson - axing a revival that was only nine episodes old and which averaged more than six million across the two runs.
The BBC's Danny Shaw says that he was simply doing his job when he twice questioned the Home Office's timing over latest developments in the Abu Qatada case. The Home Affairs correspondent spoke to Theresa May's department last Friday and on Monday - the day before the Home Secretary ordered the re-arrest and deportation of the radical cleric - about their different views to the European Court of Human Rights of the deadline for Hava Qatada's right to appeal. May can be seen on the left, asking a couple of Law if they happen to know what day it is. Because she, herself, isn't too sure. If you want to know the day, ask a policeman, your Theresaship. The journalist was told in an e-mail from Strasbourg last week that the court's judgement would become final on Tuesday.
'In the office we thought that meant that nothing would happen until Wednesday,' Shaw told BBC Ariel. But a Home Office spokesman, who insisted that midnight on Monday was the deadline, told Shaw that any announcement from the Home Secretary was 'likely to be on Tuesday.' Shaw mulled over the seeming inconsistency at the weekend, and called the European Court on Monday for confirmation of the appeal deadline. Midnight on Tuesday, they replied. '"Are you absolutely sure?" I said. "Can you double check?" But they maintained the deadline was Tuesday night.' He went back to the Home Office, drawing their attention once more to the difference of opinion. 'The senior spokesman called back several hours later - clearly after making checks - and said they were "satisfied with their position." I was doing what any reporter would do,' adds Shaw, 'checking facts and querying any discrepancies.' He doesn't claim to know whose timing will turn out to be right - that will be down to a panel of five judges from the European Court's Grand Chamber. Nor does he pretend to have anticipated those twenty four hours would cause a political storm. 'We were more interested in whether Ooo, Hava Qatada would be detained, whether he would be deported,' admits Shaw, who has been covering twists in the government's efforts to deport the radical cleric to Jordan for the last decade. 'The issue of a twenty four hour time difference in deadlines didn't appear to be hugely significant.' But, of course, it was.
So, anyway, on that example of crass government bungling and jiggery-pokery, here's the next batch of yer actual Top Telly Tips:
Thursday 26 April
If you can get over any feeling of seasickness brought on by frenetic camerawork and editing, you may well find a riveting documentary in The Plot to Bring Down Britain's Planes - Channel Four 9:00 - which is about the soc-called 2006 'liquid bomb' plot. When terrorists planned to detonate home-made explosives on transatlantic aircraft from Heathrow. The central story is so good that there's really no need for all the bells and whistles, it's not The Bourne Identity after all but a very real story of very real dangers. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping was in the US whilst all this malarkey was going on and was due to fly back, literally, on the day it that happened. Heathrow was effing chaos when I arrived back. Mind you, that - in and of itself - isn't unusual. Anyway, the contributors to this documentary are top-notch – British and American government and security service chiefs who were directly involved in tracking the British terrorist cell and foiling the plan, which could have led to the deaths of more than two thousand people.
What emerges is a picture of two countries at polite loggerheads: the Americans wanted swift arrests, the British wanted to watch and wait to build up a watertight court case before pouncing. In the end the Americans, after a CIA boss visited Pakistan, precipitated the mass arrests in London. It's obvious that the US action still rankles with the British. The documentary reconstructs the MI5 investigation which prevented the attack, and reveals how American intervention forced British security services to make premature arrests that could have jeopardised the operation. Featuring interviews with the then home secretary, John Reid, former US Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff and Michael Hayden, former head of the CIA.
The late Jimmy Savile presents an edition of Top of the Pops from April 14, 1977, the third week in which ABBA topped the British chart with 'Knowing Me, Knowing You'. A-ha.
Well, obviously he wasn't the late Jimmy Savile then. I think. Anyway ... The show also features the record it was keeping off the top spot - David Soul's 'Going In with My Eyes Open -' and a duet between jazz singer Cleo Laine and classical guitarist John Williams, as well as performances by The Brothers, Brendon, Billy Ocean, The Stylistics and Marilyn McCoo & Billy Davis Jr. Not one of the better episodes, then. Although, we're getting frightfully close to the point at which The Jam, The Stranglers and Buzzcocks starts turning up on the show and, suddenly, the world will seem a much brighter place.
The Kidnap Diaries - BBC4 9:00 - is a drama based on the 2008 abduction of documentary-maker Sean Langan, who had attempted to become the first Western journalist to film Taliban training camps in a remote area of Pakistan. He was held hostage, along with a translator, by a family with deeply held Islamic beliefs - but began to find common ground between himself and his captors. Starring Douglas Henshall and Jimi Mistry.
Friday 27 April
Team captain David Mitchell is joined by TV presenters Dale Winton and Richard Bacon, while his counterpart, the much funnier Lee Mack, welcomes comic actress (and his old Not Going Out colleague) Miranda Hart and sports presenter Clare Balding in the latest Would I Lie To You? - BBC1 8:30.
Host Rob Brydon oversees the comedy panel show as the contestants try to hoodwink their opponents with absurd facts and plausible lies about themselves. Yes, it's Call My Bluff: The Next Generation. It's also, frequently, one of the funniest things on British television. As, indeed, is the programme that follows it.
Homeland's Damian Lewis guest-hosts the satirical current affairs quiz Have I Got News For You - BBC1 9:00 - with regular team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton joined by celebrity panellists including Susan Calman to poke fun at the news of the week. And, hopefully, to yet again get more viewers than odious tosser and disgraced former tabloid shit-stirrer Piers Morgan and his odious, risible Life Stories on the other side. Again. Which, let's face it, is always funny.
John Le Mesurier: It's All Been Rather Lovely - 9:00 BBC2 - is a very welcome portrait of the prolific actor's life and career, from his turbulent marriage to Hattie Jacques to his renowned role as Sergeant Wilson in the much-loved BBC TV sitcom Dad's Army and parts in more than one hundred films.
This lovingly put-together documentary features contributions from Michael Palin, John's co-stars Clive Dunn and Ian Lavender, Jimmy Perry and his third wife, Joan. Narrated by Julian Rhind-Tutt.
Stephen Fry presents a 'new' edition of Qi - BBC2 10:00 - which was actually recorded as part of last year's series but was then held back because of the subject matter (and it wasn't the only one!) Oh yes. Still a bit of a sore point that is, dear blog reader.
Anyway, enough about that subject. This episode is all about celebrating the Cultural Olympiad, asking Bill Bailey, David Mitchell, Sue Perkins and regular panellist Alan Davies (very popular on Merseyside, apparently) questions about renowned playwright William Shakespeare. He's dead, you know, Shakespeare. I didn't even know he'd been ill. Meanwhile, be it known, ye varlets, that verily the recording dates for ye actual tenth - 'J' - series of Qi have now been announced. And truly, their was rejoicing throughout the land. except in Piers Morgan's household. But, nobody gives a fek what that waste of oxygen thinks. Recordings will be held on 22, 23, 29 and 30 May and 6, 12, 13, 19, 20, 25 and 26 June. All recordings will be at the London Studios near Waterloo station. Evening recordings start at 7:30pm but, to be sure of a place in the audience, you'll need to queue up well before that. This year, some days - five of them, to be exact - will have more than one episode recorded, just in case you were wondering that there's only eleven dates and they usually do sixteen episodes! 
Each of those - 23 and 30 May, 13, 20 and 26 June - will have an extra recording which starts at 4:30pm. As usual, tickets for the recordings are completely free and will be available through the Applause Store website. Please check regularly to see when the tickets become available as they are hugely popular and go like shit off a shovel on a hot summer's day once they're released.
Saturday 28 April
The four star coaches kick-off the opening live round on The Voice - BBC1 7:00 - with a group performance to show the budding singers how it's done. Then, the five remaining acts in Tom Jones and Will.i.am's teams each take centre stage, and for the first time viewers help decide who stays in the competition as they vote for their favourites. Holly Willoughby and Reggie Yates present. The results show is tomorrow at 7.25.
The Art of Tommy Cooper - BBC2 9:00 - is a repeat, but a very worthy one. A documentary looking at the life and work of the larger-than-life comedian from Caerphilly, whose demeanour as a lovable clown concealed an often complicated private life. Contributors include fellow comics Tom O'Connor and Barry Cryer. Just like that. And, if you can't watch that, for any reason, watch this instead - it's everything you'll ever need to know about Tommy, including the duck trick and the magic cabinet. Essential.
The killer's next brutal act results in the deaths of several homeless people in Copenhagen, supposedly to highlight how easily people can fall through the cracks in Danish society in The Bridge - BBC4 9:00. He then kidnaps another rough sleeper - and demands a sizeable ransom from four of the city's landlords to set him free. Scandinavian crime drama, in Danish and Swedish, starring Sofia Helin and Kim Bodnia.
Sunday 29 April
Tony Robinson and the team revisit ancient burial sites around the country, including Bronze Age cemeteries, Roman mausoleums and the decorative Anglo-Saxon resting places to reveal how funeral customs have developed and evolved over thousands of years of British history in the latest episode of Time Team - Channel Four 4:00. A clip show, in other words.
Carrie ends up in hospital in the wake of the explosion that killed Al-Zahrani in Washington, in Homeland - Channel Four 9:00.
When Saul comes to retrieve her, he finds the unstable agent postulating frantically about Abu Nazir, but realises her chaotic theories have merit. Meanwhile, before his congressional campaign begins, Brody takes his family to Gettysburg, where he collects an important item. Claire Danes, Mandy Patinkin and Damian Lewis star. The season finale is next week.
In the latest episode of Vera - ITV 8:00 - the detective investigates the murder of a social worker, but figuring out the motive behind the killing of an apparently popular woman proves difficult.
However, an infamous past case involving the death of a child appears to hold the key. In her pursuit of the truth, Vera uncovers the failings of an understaffed care system and discovers the secret at the heart of Jenny's death - which the killer will stop at nothing to protect. Drama based on the - really rather good - novel by Ann Cleeves, starring Brenda Blethyn (who is great in it, apart from the accent, which just doesn't cut it, I'm afraid) and David Leon.
Leo visits old college friend Sean Delaney at his psychiatric care centre in Essex, where one of the patients was found dead in her bed in the first of a two-part Silent Witness - BBC1 9:00. Although the coroner ruled a verdict of sudden-death syndrome, Delaney is not convinced and asks Leo to investigate. Suspicion soon falls on the dead girl's father, who has lost the family fortune and his wife - but the pathologist runs into problems when the local detective sergeant gives him a less-than-warm welcome, making it clear she is suspicious of his motives. Adrian Dunbar, Tamzin Outhwaite and Tom Ellis guest star. Concludes tomorrow.
The team investigates the murder of a famous radio personality and seeks the help of a retired NYPD bomb expert, who turns out to be the godfather of the victim's daughter, after initially being considered a suspect in Hawaii Five-0 - Sky1 9:00. This is a particularly good episode, not least because James Caan guest stars opposite his son, Scott.
Monday 30 April
Dominic Sandbrook continues his part Ladybird Book-style history for those who missed it because they were asleep, part fascinating mash-up of pop culture and sociopolitical themes in the third episode of The 70s - BBC2 9:00.
In this one, he looks back at the years 1975 to 1977, when equal pay and rights meant that women could - technically - work on an even standing to men. A concept which was not mirrored by the casual sexism which continued to run throughout the British culture of the time. Thousand of teenagers (not million as alleged by the Radio Times write-up. I know, I was there!) dyed their hair and stuffed safety pins through their lapels as punk rock swept the nation (or, parts of the nations, anyway), embodied by the Sex Pistols - whose anthem 'God Save the Queen' was banned as the country prepared to celebrate Her Majesty's Silver Jubilee. And there's no future in England's Dreaming. Dominic also touches on the fighting on the football terraces that brought the national game into disrepute and the government's attempts to save car manufacturer British Leyland. Really good in parts, embarrassingly simplistic and obvious in others. But, I'm really glad the BBC let Sandbrook make this.
It's the last episode of the current series of Scott & Bailey - ITV 9:00. Rachel discovers Nick has been savagely assaulted - and she is top of the list of suspects. But even worse, she has no recollection of the previous night after a drunken hen party, and struggles to convince herself she did not do it. Janet thinks she has made her peace with Andy, until he gives her some misinformation that results in Gill missing an appointment with the coroner - so the DCI, tired of their games, announces one of them will have to go. A man's accidental death turns into a murder investigation when his daughters reveal their mother often talked of killing him. Crime drama, starring Lesley Sharp and Suranne Jones.
James Shapiro analyses Shakespeare's work in the years following the 1605 Gunpowder Plot, including Macbeth and Coriolanus - two plays written at times of great national unrest in the second of the three-part The King & the Playwright: A Jacobean History - BBC4 9:00. That Guido Fawkes, eh. He had the right idea - blow the fuckers sky-high and watch them burn. Mind you, it got him killed. Really nastily, an'all. So, you know, it's not always a good idea to seek to achieve your political ideals through violent forms of counteraction.
Anyway, James examines how the attempt to destroy the Houses of Parliament inflamed anti-Catholic sentiments, explores James I's struggle to demonstrate the legitimacy of his reign, and considers how Shakespeare's plays reflect the tensions and anxieties of the period.
Geet canny Georide blokie, Wor Robson Green heads to Canada to take on some of the country's most experienced fishermen, visiting the Fraser River Canyon in search of white sturgeon, the biggest freshwater fish in North America in Robson's Extreme Fishing Challenge - Channel Five 9:00. He hopes to put his fly-fishing knowledge to good use during a trip to the Yukon and the remote Coghlan Lake, considered one of the top three fishing destinations in the world, before travelling to the Takhini River, where a lesson in how to confront a bear does little to settle his nerves.
Tuesday 1 May
It's the final part of the tremendous Meet the Romans with Mary Beard - BBc2 9:00. In this episode (Behind Closed Doors) the professor delves deeper into ordinary Roman life by going behind the closed doors of the family home.
She tells the stories of eccentric wife Glyconis - praised by her husband for liking a drink or two - Allia Potestas, who lived in a menage a trois, and eleven-year-old schoolboy Sulpicius Maximus, worked to death by his pushy parents. Mary also paints a more detailed picture of slavery, revealing that many Romans chose to be buried with their servants. More of this sort of thing, please, Auntie Beeb.
The twenty-year mission to capture Osama Bin Liner, the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks, which ended with a daring raid by US Special Forces in May 2011 during which the terrorist leader was killed is the focus of The Hunt For Bin Laden - ITV 9:00. The documentary traces Bin Laden's rise to power, from the moment he founded al-Qaeda in 1989 to his eventual capture, and Intelligence chiefs, military leaders and politicians who were behind the effort to bring him to justice recall their involvement in what became the most expensive manhunt in history.
The deaths of a wealthy man, a gang member and a mother all seem to be unrelated - until it is discovered each victim died in a similar manner to cases about which they had previously been questioned in the latest episode of CSI - Channel Five 9:00.
In Crime After Crime, Russell and his team then learn each of those investigations was handled by Stan Richardson, a former police detective who is now dying of cancer. Fearing Richardson has set out to get revenge on killers who eluded him during his career, the investigators hurriedly try to work out who the next target might be.
Mad Men, the drama set in the world of 1960s American advertising continues - Sky Atlantic 9:00. Don Draper and his colleagues at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce fight for their fledgling company's future.
However, while the world outside continues to undergo rapid cultural and social change, pressures at work and at home leave them struggling to keep up. Starring Jon Hamm, Elisabeth Moss, Vincent Kartheiser, Christina Hendricks and John Slattery. And, if you're one of those watching this live on Sky Atlantic, as opposed to on timeshift, then be advised there'll be a meeting afterwards to discuss what you all thought of the episode. In a phone box. I'm here all week. Try the veal.
Wednesday 2 May
The stars of Coronation Street, EastEnders, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and Doctors gather as Phillip Schofield hosts the 14th annual British Soap Awards ceremony - ITV 8:00. The single most risible, pointless and degrading example of back-slapping and brown-tonguing amongst the untalented on British TV. And, considering the competition in has in such a regard, that really is saying something. The fiasco is designed to celebrate 'all the drama, laughter, tears, murders, weddings and romances from TV's most popular soaps over the past year.' See what I mean? Laughably pointless. Famous faces from the entertainment world hand out awards in seventeen pointless categories, including 'Sexiest Male and Female' (pointless), 'Villain of the Year' (pointless), 'Best Actor and Actress' (a contradiction in terms), 'Spectacular Scene' (pointless), 'On-Screen Partnership' (pointless), 'Lifetime Achievement' (a lifetime of pointless) and, of course, 'Best British Soap' (really pointless) - which the residents of Albert Square have won four years running.
In The Apprentice - BBC1 9:00 - the teams each spend one hundred and fifty notes on wholesale goods and try to sell them on for a profit in Essex.
Setting up in markets and shopping centres with mops, MP3 players, fake tans and false eyelashes, they must push their products hard and reinvest in the best sellers. As the challenge draws to a close, there is a big opportunity to shift remaining stock and two very different selling strategies emerge, but which will impress Lord Sugar-Sweetie the mostest?
In the first of a new series, Antiques Uncovered - BBC2 8:00 - odd-faced historian Lucy Worsley and collectibles expert Mark Hill explore the stories behind different antiques, beginning with objects from the world of entertaining. Lucy discovers how the sofa has changed people's behaviour over the centuries, and finds out how Chippendale furniture became a household name. Mark uncovers the secrets of English porcelain and visits a passionate collector with some rare objects.
The Unforgettable Hughie Green - ITV 7:30 - is a tribute to the TV personality best known as the host of long-running talent show Opportunity Knocks. And, I mean that most sincerely, dear blog reader, I really do. Friends and family recall a highly ambitious - and not always terrible nice - man whose appetite for fame and fortune was insatiable and whose complicated home life was only really discovered by the public after his death. With contributions from Michael Grade, Eddie Large and Bobby Crush among others.
Christ almighty, when was the last time you saw Bobby Crush on telly, dear blog reader? Or Eddie Large come to that!
Thursday 3 May
In the first of a two part series, Shakespeare In Italy - BBc2 9:00 - the excellent Francesco da Mosto reveals how the Mediterranean country influenced the Bard, as he takes a journey of discovery through Shakespeare's Italian-based plays.
The historian visits the locations that inspired the playwright, beginning with fair Padua, setting of The Taming of the Shrew, before heading to Verona to explore the tale of Romeo and Juliet. The presenter meets actress Emma Thompson in Sicily to discuss Much Ado About Nothing, and ends his journey in Venice for a look at the city's connection with Othello.
Much trailed, tonight's drama on Playhouse Presents - Sky Arts1 9:00 - is King of the Teds starting the king of The Voice, yer actual Sir Tom Jones in his first ever acting role. Married couple Ron and Tina endure troubled times in their relationship after Ron is made redundant from his factory job, leaving him short of money and patience. However, they receive some respite when Nina, a friend from their younger days, finds them on the Internet and decides to pay them a visit. The trio are soon fondly reminiscing about their teenage years and their shared love of rock `n' roll music - but one of them is hiding an upsetting secret that could drive them apart once more. Sir Tom stars alongside Brenda Blethyn and Alison Steadman.
If you suffer from a touch of the old ophidiophobia (a fine LP although, personally, I prefer Who's Next) then you might want to give The World's Longest Snake - Channel Four 8:00 - a miss. This tells the story about how a group of scientists uncovered the remains of a forty eight feet-long snake weighing more than a ton in the Cerrejon coal mines in north-east Colombia in 2009. The discovery revealed that the creature, a relative of boa constrictors, lived in the Colombian rainforest sixty million years ago. The programme uses CGI to visualise when huge reptiles were once again living on Earth after the end of dinosaurs. Nasty.
And so to the news, dear blog reader: Odious Colin Murray will attempt to interview all one hundred and fourteen of the UK's living Olympic champions for Radio 5Live this summer. Nobody's asked him too, he just felt like doing it. Colin Murray's Gold Run is one of the station's most ambitious documentary series and results from the presenter's promise to his friend and producer Nicholas Etherton to create a broadcasting legacy for London 2012. Once his Saturday show Fighting Talk ends with the football season, Murray will travel the country in a hire car as he tries to track down all of the UK's surviving gold medallists.
Radio 5Live controller Adrian Van-Klaveren said the project will be 'a real challenge, but this is a fascinating insight into how a very different group of athletes became gold medallists.' Murray described the production as 'an experience I will never forget. It's by far the biggest project of my career and one that very few give me the chance of getting close to completing, but they forget that - with every interview - I am feeding off the Olympic spirit and pushing myself beyond the limit! One thing is for sure, when my Gold Run adventure comes to an end, I plan to sleep for a month.' From 27 May, the series will be broadcast every Sunday at 11am and end with a two-hour finale on July 22 - five days before the opening ceremony. Murray will also broadcast daily for 5Live during the Olympics. In addition to 5Live Sports Extra, temporary digital station 5 live Olympics Extra will provide live commentary during London 2012 from 25 July.
BBC1 is to follow up The Voice with a second entertainment format from Talpa - part of a two-year development deal between the BBC and John de Mol’s company. I Love My Country sees two teams of celebrities across a number of age groups competing in a quiz about the country. They teams are quizzed on questions to do with their home country including history, sports and music. Alan Tyler, BBC Scotland executive editor for entertainment commissioning, is overseeing the non-transmission pilot, which is being produced by Avalon Scotland. The deal between the BBC and Talpa means the corporation will be closely examining the producer's entertainment slate. If I Love My Country is commissioned, it would be lined-up for a Saturday night slot on BBC1. The format has already been sold to Belgium, France, Croatia, Denmark, Germany, Greece and Italy as well as countries in the Middle East, China and Nigeria.
Kylie Minogue drew crowds in London yesterday while being filmed on a busy street. The singer was spotted strutting up and down Old Compton Street in Soho while miming to a song and surrounded by fans taking photos of her. Presumably this was for a video although, maybe Kylie just likes strutting up and down Old Compton Street. She was dressed in short denim hot pants, a leather biker jacket adorned with a giant red heart and a pair of big sunglasses. Later in the evening, the Australian singer and global superstar was seen on the back of a motorbike with her hand pointed in the air. Which was, of course, something of a fantasy for many men of a certain age - seeing Kylie, Kylie, sweet and smiley with something hot and throbbing between her thighs. Oh yes.
YouTube is facing a potentially ginormous bill for music royalties after the Google-owned website lost a key court battle in Germany over copyrighted content. A court in Hamburg ruled that YouTube must take responsibility for all the content that users post onto its site. Gema, a royalty collection group in Germany, had called on the online service to install term-based filters that can detect when users post clips of music from its artists. The industry group also criticised YouTube in court for allegedly not doing enough to stop copyright piracy on its service. However, YouTube said that it could not be held responsible for what its users did, and stressed that it takes down material if specifically informed that it has been posted. Gema, which represents around sixty thousand German songwriters and musicians, based its case on twelve instances of music clips being posted on the site but no royalties being paid. The ruling in Germany could have broader ramifications if YouTube is forced by the court to pay royalties for all clips illegally posted on the site. YouTube also warned that the need to introduce more filtering could result in a delay in how content is posted on the site, as the company would need to clear copyright before agreeing to set new material live. As around sixty hours of video is uploaded to YouTube worldwide every minute, this could have major implications for the operation. YouTube particularly warned that such a delay could hit citizen journalists who use the video-sharing site as a vital outlet to distribute breaking news. Parent company Google has not yet responded to the ruling. Gema has already successfully taken action against other online services, including a ruling in March forcing file-sharing site Rapidshare to take more proactive action against pirated material on its site. But music streaming service Grooveshark recently scrapped its German operation after complaining that licensing rates charged by Gema made it impossible to run a viable business in the country.
So, I suppose the moral of all that is, make the most of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45(s) of the Day(s) whilst you still can, dear blog reader, because they might not be here forever. Or, even if they are, they might not include a link to the top tune in question. In the meantime, though but, here's yer actual Babes In Toyland. Righteous.
Before that, Would I Like To You? also provided an entertaining diversion for half an hour. If you missed it, this blogger particularly recommends Katie Humble's tall tale about making sure that, every time she gets her hair cut, she takes the discarded hair away with her to help birds build nests.
The BBC's Danny Shaw says that he was simply doing his job when he twice questioned the Home Office's timing over latest developments in the Abu Qatada case. The Home Affairs correspondent spoke to Theresa May's department last Friday and on Monday - the day before the Home Secretary ordered the re-arrest and deportation of the radical cleric - about their different views to the European Court of Human Rights of the deadline for Hava Qatada's right to appeal. May can be seen on the left, asking a couple of Law if they happen to know what day it is. Because she, herself, isn't too sure. If you want to know the day, ask a policeman, your Theresaship. The journalist was told in an e-mail from Strasbourg last week that the court's judgement would become final on Tuesday.
'In the office we thought that meant that nothing would happen until Wednesday,' Shaw told BBC Ariel. But a Home Office spokesman, who insisted that midnight on Monday was the deadline, told Shaw that any announcement from the Home Secretary was 'likely to be on Tuesday.' Shaw mulled over the seeming inconsistency at the weekend, and called the European Court on Monday for confirmation of the appeal deadline. Midnight on Tuesday, they replied. '"Are you absolutely sure?" I said. "Can you double check?" But they maintained the deadline was Tuesday night.' He went back to the Home Office, drawing their attention once more to the difference of opinion. 'The senior spokesman called back several hours later - clearly after making checks - and said they were "satisfied with their position." I was doing what any reporter would do,' adds Shaw, 'checking facts and querying any discrepancies.' He doesn't claim to know whose timing will turn out to be right - that will be down to a panel of five judges from the European Court's Grand Chamber. Nor does he pretend to have anticipated those twenty four hours would cause a political storm. 'We were more interested in whether Ooo, Hava Qatada would be detained, whether he would be deported,' admits Shaw, who has been covering twists in the government's efforts to deport the radical cleric to Jordan for the last decade. 'The issue of a twenty four hour time difference in deadlines didn't appear to be hugely significant.' But, of course, it was.So, anyway, on that example of crass government bungling and jiggery-pokery, here's the next batch of yer actual Top Telly Tips:
Thursday 26 April
If you can get over any feeling of seasickness brought on by frenetic camerawork and editing, you may well find a riveting documentary in The Plot to Bring Down Britain's Planes - Channel Four 9:00 - which is about the soc-called 2006 'liquid bomb' plot. When terrorists planned to detonate home-made explosives on transatlantic aircraft from Heathrow. The central story is so good that there's really no need for all the bells and whistles, it's not The Bourne Identity after all but a very real story of very real dangers. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping was in the US whilst all this malarkey was going on and was due to fly back, literally, on the day it that happened. Heathrow was effing chaos when I arrived back. Mind you, that - in and of itself - isn't unusual. Anyway, the contributors to this documentary are top-notch – British and American government and security service chiefs who were directly involved in tracking the British terrorist cell and foiling the plan, which could have led to the deaths of more than two thousand people.
What emerges is a picture of two countries at polite loggerheads: the Americans wanted swift arrests, the British wanted to watch and wait to build up a watertight court case before pouncing. In the end the Americans, after a CIA boss visited Pakistan, precipitated the mass arrests in London. It's obvious that the US action still rankles with the British. The documentary reconstructs the MI5 investigation which prevented the attack, and reveals how American intervention forced British security services to make premature arrests that could have jeopardised the operation. Featuring interviews with the then home secretary, John Reid, former US Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff and Michael Hayden, former head of the CIA. The late Jimmy Savile presents an edition of Top of the Pops from April 14, 1977, the third week in which ABBA topped the British chart with 'Knowing Me, Knowing You'. A-ha.
Well, obviously he wasn't the late Jimmy Savile then. I think. Anyway ... The show also features the record it was keeping off the top spot - David Soul's 'Going In with My Eyes Open -' and a duet between jazz singer Cleo Laine and classical guitarist John Williams, as well as performances by The Brothers, Brendon, Billy Ocean, The Stylistics and Marilyn McCoo & Billy Davis Jr. Not one of the better episodes, then. Although, we're getting frightfully close to the point at which The Jam, The Stranglers and Buzzcocks starts turning up on the show and, suddenly, the world will seem a much brighter place. The Kidnap Diaries - BBC4 9:00 - is a drama based on the 2008 abduction of documentary-maker Sean Langan, who had attempted to become the first Western journalist to film Taliban training camps in a remote area of Pakistan. He was held hostage, along with a translator, by a family with deeply held Islamic beliefs - but began to find common ground between himself and his captors. Starring Douglas Henshall and Jimi Mistry.
Friday 27 April
Team captain David Mitchell is joined by TV presenters Dale Winton and Richard Bacon, while his counterpart, the much funnier Lee Mack, welcomes comic actress (and his old Not Going Out colleague) Miranda Hart and sports presenter Clare Balding in the latest Would I Lie To You? - BBC1 8:30.
Homeland's Damian Lewis guest-hosts the satirical current affairs quiz Have I Got News For You - BBC1 9:00 - with regular team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton joined by celebrity panellists including Susan Calman to poke fun at the news of the week. And, hopefully, to yet again get more viewers than odious tosser and disgraced former tabloid shit-stirrer Piers Morgan and his odious, risible Life Stories on the other side. Again. Which, let's face it, is always funny.
John Le Mesurier: It's All Been Rather Lovely - 9:00 BBC2 - is a very welcome portrait of the prolific actor's life and career, from his turbulent marriage to Hattie Jacques to his renowned role as Sergeant Wilson in the much-loved BBC TV sitcom Dad's Army and parts in more than one hundred films.
Stephen Fry presents a 'new' edition of Qi - BBC2 10:00 - which was actually recorded as part of last year's series but was then held back because of the subject matter (and it wasn't the only one!) Oh yes. Still a bit of a sore point that is, dear blog reader.
Anyway, enough about that subject. This episode is all about celebrating the Cultural Olympiad, asking Bill Bailey, David Mitchell, Sue Perkins and regular panellist Alan Davies (very popular on Merseyside, apparently) questions about renowned playwright William Shakespeare. He's dead, you know, Shakespeare. I didn't even know he'd been ill. Meanwhile, be it known, ye varlets, that verily the recording dates for ye actual tenth - 'J' - series of Qi have now been announced. And truly, their was rejoicing throughout the land. except in Piers Morgan's household. But, nobody gives a fek what that waste of oxygen thinks. Recordings will be held on 22, 23, 29 and 30 May and 6, 12, 13, 19, 20, 25 and 26 June. All recordings will be at the London Studios near Waterloo station. Evening recordings start at 7:30pm but, to be sure of a place in the audience, you'll need to queue up well before that. This year, some days - five of them, to be exact - will have more than one episode recorded, just in case you were wondering that there's only eleven dates and they usually do sixteen episodes! 
Each of those - 23 and 30 May, 13, 20 and 26 June - will have an extra recording which starts at 4:30pm. As usual, tickets for the recordings are completely free and will be available through the Applause Store website. Please check regularly to see when the tickets become available as they are hugely popular and go like shit off a shovel on a hot summer's day once they're released. Saturday 28 April
The four star coaches kick-off the opening live round on The Voice - BBC1 7:00 - with a group performance to show the budding singers how it's done. Then, the five remaining acts in Tom Jones and Will.i.am's teams each take centre stage, and for the first time viewers help decide who stays in the competition as they vote for their favourites. Holly Willoughby and Reggie Yates present. The results show is tomorrow at 7.25.
The Art of Tommy Cooper - BBC2 9:00 - is a repeat, but a very worthy one. A documentary looking at the life and work of the larger-than-life comedian from Caerphilly, whose demeanour as a lovable clown concealed an often complicated private life. Contributors include fellow comics Tom O'Connor and Barry Cryer. Just like that. And, if you can't watch that, for any reason, watch this instead - it's everything you'll ever need to know about Tommy, including the duck trick and the magic cabinet. Essential.
Tony Robinson and the team revisit ancient burial sites around the country, including Bronze Age cemeteries, Roman mausoleums and the decorative Anglo-Saxon resting places to reveal how funeral customs have developed and evolved over thousands of years of British history in the latest episode of Time Team - Channel Four 4:00. A clip show, in other words.
Carrie ends up in hospital in the wake of the explosion that killed Al-Zahrani in Washington, in Homeland - Channel Four 9:00.
When Saul comes to retrieve her, he finds the unstable agent postulating frantically about Abu Nazir, but realises her chaotic theories have merit. Meanwhile, before his congressional campaign begins, Brody takes his family to Gettysburg, where he collects an important item. Claire Danes, Mandy Patinkin and Damian Lewis star. The season finale is next week.In the latest episode of Vera - ITV 8:00 - the detective investigates the murder of a social worker, but figuring out the motive behind the killing of an apparently popular woman proves difficult.
However, an infamous past case involving the death of a child appears to hold the key. In her pursuit of the truth, Vera uncovers the failings of an understaffed care system and discovers the secret at the heart of Jenny's death - which the killer will stop at nothing to protect. Drama based on the - really rather good - novel by Ann Cleeves, starring Brenda Blethyn (who is great in it, apart from the accent, which just doesn't cut it, I'm afraid) and David Leon.Leo visits old college friend Sean Delaney at his psychiatric care centre in Essex, where one of the patients was found dead in her bed in the first of a two-part Silent Witness - BBC1 9:00. Although the coroner ruled a verdict of sudden-death syndrome, Delaney is not convinced and asks Leo to investigate. Suspicion soon falls on the dead girl's father, who has lost the family fortune and his wife - but the pathologist runs into problems when the local detective sergeant gives him a less-than-warm welcome, making it clear she is suspicious of his motives. Adrian Dunbar, Tamzin Outhwaite and Tom Ellis guest star. Concludes tomorrow.
The team investigates the murder of a famous radio personality and seeks the help of a retired NYPD bomb expert, who turns out to be the godfather of the victim's daughter, after initially being considered a suspect in Hawaii Five-0 - Sky1 9:00. This is a particularly good episode, not least because James Caan guest stars opposite his son, Scott.
Dominic Sandbrook continues his part Ladybird Book-style history for those who missed it because they were asleep, part fascinating mash-up of pop culture and sociopolitical themes in the third episode of The 70s - BBC2 9:00.
In this one, he looks back at the years 1975 to 1977, when equal pay and rights meant that women could - technically - work on an even standing to men. A concept which was not mirrored by the casual sexism which continued to run throughout the British culture of the time. Thousand of teenagers (not million as alleged by the Radio Times write-up. I know, I was there!) dyed their hair and stuffed safety pins through their lapels as punk rock swept the nation (or, parts of the nations, anyway), embodied by the Sex Pistols - whose anthem 'God Save the Queen' was banned as the country prepared to celebrate Her Majesty's Silver Jubilee. And there's no future in England's Dreaming. Dominic also touches on the fighting on the football terraces that brought the national game into disrepute and the government's attempts to save car manufacturer British Leyland. Really good in parts, embarrassingly simplistic and obvious in others. But, I'm really glad the BBC let Sandbrook make this.It's the last episode of the current series of Scott & Bailey - ITV 9:00. Rachel discovers Nick has been savagely assaulted - and she is top of the list of suspects. But even worse, she has no recollection of the previous night after a drunken hen party, and struggles to convince herself she did not do it. Janet thinks she has made her peace with Andy, until he gives her some misinformation that results in Gill missing an appointment with the coroner - so the DCI, tired of their games, announces one of them will have to go. A man's accidental death turns into a murder investigation when his daughters reveal their mother often talked of killing him. Crime drama, starring Lesley Sharp and Suranne Jones.
James Shapiro analyses Shakespeare's work in the years following the 1605 Gunpowder Plot, including Macbeth and Coriolanus - two plays written at times of great national unrest in the second of the three-part The King & the Playwright: A Jacobean History - BBC4 9:00. That Guido Fawkes, eh. He had the right idea - blow the fuckers sky-high and watch them burn. Mind you, it got him killed. Really nastily, an'all. So, you know, it's not always a good idea to seek to achieve your political ideals through violent forms of counteraction.
Geet canny Georide blokie, Wor Robson Green heads to Canada to take on some of the country's most experienced fishermen, visiting the Fraser River Canyon in search of white sturgeon, the biggest freshwater fish in North America in Robson's Extreme Fishing Challenge - Channel Five 9:00. He hopes to put his fly-fishing knowledge to good use during a trip to the Yukon and the remote Coghlan Lake, considered one of the top three fishing destinations in the world, before travelling to the Takhini River, where a lesson in how to confront a bear does little to settle his nerves.
Tuesday 1 May
It's the final part of the tremendous Meet the Romans with Mary Beard - BBc2 9:00. In this episode (Behind Closed Doors) the professor delves deeper into ordinary Roman life by going behind the closed doors of the family home.
The twenty-year mission to capture Osama Bin Liner, the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks, which ended with a daring raid by US Special Forces in May 2011 during which the terrorist leader was killed is the focus of The Hunt For Bin Laden - ITV 9:00. The documentary traces Bin Laden's rise to power, from the moment he founded al-Qaeda in 1989 to his eventual capture, and Intelligence chiefs, military leaders and politicians who were behind the effort to bring him to justice recall their involvement in what became the most expensive manhunt in history.
The deaths of a wealthy man, a gang member and a mother all seem to be unrelated - until it is discovered each victim died in a similar manner to cases about which they had previously been questioned in the latest episode of CSI - Channel Five 9:00.
In Crime After Crime, Russell and his team then learn each of those investigations was handled by Stan Richardson, a former police detective who is now dying of cancer. Fearing Richardson has set out to get revenge on killers who eluded him during his career, the investigators hurriedly try to work out who the next target might be.Mad Men, the drama set in the world of 1960s American advertising continues - Sky Atlantic 9:00. Don Draper and his colleagues at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce fight for their fledgling company's future.
However, while the world outside continues to undergo rapid cultural and social change, pressures at work and at home leave them struggling to keep up. Starring Jon Hamm, Elisabeth Moss, Vincent Kartheiser, Christina Hendricks and John Slattery. And, if you're one of those watching this live on Sky Atlantic, as opposed to on timeshift, then be advised there'll be a meeting afterwards to discuss what you all thought of the episode. In a phone box. I'm here all week. Try the veal.Wednesday 2 May
The stars of Coronation Street, EastEnders, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and Doctors gather as Phillip Schofield hosts the 14th annual British Soap Awards ceremony - ITV 8:00. The single most risible, pointless and degrading example of back-slapping and brown-tonguing amongst the untalented on British TV. And, considering the competition in has in such a regard, that really is saying something. The fiasco is designed to celebrate 'all the drama, laughter, tears, murders, weddings and romances from TV's most popular soaps over the past year.' See what I mean? Laughably pointless. Famous faces from the entertainment world hand out awards in seventeen pointless categories, including 'Sexiest Male and Female' (pointless), 'Villain of the Year' (pointless), 'Best Actor and Actress' (a contradiction in terms), 'Spectacular Scene' (pointless), 'On-Screen Partnership' (pointless), 'Lifetime Achievement' (a lifetime of pointless) and, of course, 'Best British Soap' (really pointless) - which the residents of Albert Square have won four years running.
In The Apprentice - BBC1 9:00 - the teams each spend one hundred and fifty notes on wholesale goods and try to sell them on for a profit in Essex.
Setting up in markets and shopping centres with mops, MP3 players, fake tans and false eyelashes, they must push their products hard and reinvest in the best sellers. As the challenge draws to a close, there is a big opportunity to shift remaining stock and two very different selling strategies emerge, but which will impress Lord Sugar-Sweetie the mostest?In the first of a new series, Antiques Uncovered - BBC2 8:00 - odd-faced historian Lucy Worsley and collectibles expert Mark Hill explore the stories behind different antiques, beginning with objects from the world of entertaining. Lucy discovers how the sofa has changed people's behaviour over the centuries, and finds out how Chippendale furniture became a household name. Mark uncovers the secrets of English porcelain and visits a passionate collector with some rare objects.
The Unforgettable Hughie Green - ITV 7:30 - is a tribute to the TV personality best known as the host of long-running talent show Opportunity Knocks. And, I mean that most sincerely, dear blog reader, I really do. Friends and family recall a highly ambitious - and not always terrible nice - man whose appetite for fame and fortune was insatiable and whose complicated home life was only really discovered by the public after his death. With contributions from Michael Grade, Eddie Large and Bobby Crush among others.
Thursday 3 May
In the first of a two part series, Shakespeare In Italy - BBc2 9:00 - the excellent Francesco da Mosto reveals how the Mediterranean country influenced the Bard, as he takes a journey of discovery through Shakespeare's Italian-based plays.
The historian visits the locations that inspired the playwright, beginning with fair Padua, setting of The Taming of the Shrew, before heading to Verona to explore the tale of Romeo and Juliet. The presenter meets actress Emma Thompson in Sicily to discuss Much Ado About Nothing, and ends his journey in Venice for a look at the city's connection with Othello.Much trailed, tonight's drama on Playhouse Presents - Sky Arts1 9:00 - is King of the Teds starting the king of The Voice, yer actual Sir Tom Jones in his first ever acting role. Married couple Ron and Tina endure troubled times in their relationship after Ron is made redundant from his factory job, leaving him short of money and patience. However, they receive some respite when Nina, a friend from their younger days, finds them on the Internet and decides to pay them a visit. The trio are soon fondly reminiscing about their teenage years and their shared love of rock `n' roll music - but one of them is hiding an upsetting secret that could drive them apart once more. Sir Tom stars alongside Brenda Blethyn and Alison Steadman.
Radio 5Live controller Adrian Van-Klaveren said the project will be 'a real challenge, but this is a fascinating insight into how a very different group of athletes became gold medallists.' Murray described the production as 'an experience I will never forget. It's by far the biggest project of my career and one that very few give me the chance of getting close to completing, but they forget that - with every interview - I am feeding off the Olympic spirit and pushing myself beyond the limit! One thing is for sure, when my Gold Run adventure comes to an end, I plan to sleep for a month.' From 27 May, the series will be broadcast every Sunday at 11am and end with a two-hour finale on July 22 - five days before the opening ceremony. Murray will also broadcast daily for 5Live during the Olympics. In addition to 5Live Sports Extra, temporary digital station 5 live Olympics Extra will provide live commentary during London 2012 from 25 July.BBC1 is to follow up The Voice with a second entertainment format from Talpa - part of a two-year development deal between the BBC and John de Mol’s company. I Love My Country sees two teams of celebrities across a number of age groups competing in a quiz about the country. They teams are quizzed on questions to do with their home country including history, sports and music. Alan Tyler, BBC Scotland executive editor for entertainment commissioning, is overseeing the non-transmission pilot, which is being produced by Avalon Scotland. The deal between the BBC and Talpa means the corporation will be closely examining the producer's entertainment slate. If I Love My Country is commissioned, it would be lined-up for a Saturday night slot on BBC1. The format has already been sold to Belgium, France, Croatia, Denmark, Germany, Greece and Italy as well as countries in the Middle East, China and Nigeria.
Kylie Minogue drew crowds in London yesterday while being filmed on a busy street. The singer was spotted strutting up and down Old Compton Street in Soho while miming to a song and surrounded by fans taking photos of her. Presumably this was for a video although, maybe Kylie just likes strutting up and down Old Compton Street. She was dressed in short denim hot pants, a leather biker jacket adorned with a giant red heart and a pair of big sunglasses. Later in the evening, the Australian singer and global superstar was seen on the back of a motorbike with her hand pointed in the air. Which was, of course, something of a fantasy for many men of a certain age - seeing Kylie, Kylie, sweet and smiley with something hot and throbbing between her thighs. Oh yes.
So, I suppose the moral of all that is, make the most of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45(s) of the Day(s) whilst you still can, dear blog reader, because they might not be here forever. Or, even if they are, they might not include a link to the top tune in question. In the meantime, though but, here's yer actual Babes In Toyland. Righteous.
