Monday, July 05, 2010

Burned

Holly Willoughby has revealed that she recently burned her bottom. Tragically, no pictures were available at the time of going to press. Although, just imagining what it looks like is funny enough for this blogger. The This Morning host admitted that she spent hours soaking up the sun and lost track of time. This is all according to that haven of cutting-edge proper journalism Now magazine. The twenty nine-year-old said: 'I was at my friend Lisa's house and we sat in her hot tub for eight hours! I wouldn't recommend it though - I've got a really sore bottom. I sat in it for so long I feel like I've sunburned my bottom and I don't know how it has happened.' The action of heat on flesh, Holly love. A sodding four year old could have told you that, you stupid little girl. What the bloody hell have you got between your ears? Similarly, it's not recommended that you sit on a lighted gas appliance either. Or, indeed, set fire to your own farts for a dare. Very painful, that. Apparently. She added: 'There's not many nights that you end up putting Germolene on each other's bottom cheeks before you leave.' Oh, I dunno - sounds like one or two groovy parties I've been to over the years.

Waste-of-space model Sophie Dahl's alleged cookery show The Nauseous Ms Dahl has been cancelled by the BBC after one thoroughly wretched and entirely worthless series. According to the Daily Star, one BBC 'source' is alleged to have described the show as 'a disaster from beginning to end' and 'a ratings flop.' And, that's the first time the Daily Star has printed a statement with that much factual accuracy in it for many years. Meanwhile, the Sun has claimed that Nigella Lawson will return to the BBC for a thirteen-part series this autumn. Dahl was heavily criticised by many TV critics for being 'a Nigella Lawson tribute act.' And by this TV licence fee payer for being more obnoxiously puke-inducing than a pint of salt water followed by sticking your fingers down your throat in her horribly-twee little world of 'lah-de-dah.' The food journalist Giles Coren described the programme as 'a crock of bogus mendacious shite.' Writing on Twitter about the show, he added: 'What a sickening sham. The BBC should be fucking ashamed of itself.' Charlie Brooker, meanwhile, on You Have Been Watching suggested that the best way to improve The Ludicrous Ms Dahl would have been for a man with a cricket bat - 'covered in shit' - to come in and 'smash the place up.' Although, in fairness, a very humiliating public cancellation works just as well, I'd've said. Is it too much to hope, however, that whichever moron it was at executive level who thought that such a show was a good idea be shown where the door is and how to use it?

The BBC's director general Mark Thompson has backed plans to publish stars' earnings in pay bands, but said revealing individual wages would be 'wrong.' On Thursday, the BBC Trust called for earnings made by the corporation to 'talent' to be made public. Speaking to the BBC's Andrew Marr Show, Thompson said revealing exact earnings should be kept private. He also defended the BBC's plan to overhaul staff pensions, saying 'times are hard.' Well, you've just got shot of Sohpie Dahl today, Mark, that should save you a shed load of coin for a kick-off. Last week the BBC announced plans to change its pension scheme in an attempt to tackle a two billion pound deficit. 'Times are tough for everyone and pension arrangements, across the public sector, are going to be looked at very hard over the coming months,' Thompson said. 'So strong is the public interest in those people who are paid the very larger sums of money by the BBC that we feel there is an argument for making available the names of those who are most highly paid. [We are] not saying how much they are individually paid but just being clear on the people who are the most highly paid people in the BBC.' On Sunday Thompson added 'we absolutely accept the idea of publishing in bands.' He added: 'The BBC is trying to find the right balance, on the one hand, the public's absolute right to have a sense of what the BBC spends on on-air talent, versus a broadcasting industry where confidentiality is the absolute norm, is the expectation and in some cases the contractual right of the individuals involved.' Thompson also said the corporation's annual report, which is published today, will reveal 'the amount of money the BBC's spending on top talent is now coming down.' Publishing individual salaries, according to Thompson, is not an option. 'I continue to believe that it would be wrong and it would be damaging and destructive to the BBC and its ability to get the top stars to actually publish individual salaries, because we're in competition with other broadcasters in an industry where no other broadcaster publishes this sort of information.' He said the BBC was 'very competitive' but added its top stars were working for the corporation for 'rather less than other broadcasters pay.' Thompson added: 'The public have got very clear views about this, which is the thing that matters most to them is they get outstanding news, entertainment and other kinds of programmes from the BBC. They want the best stars.'

The new president of the Royal Horticultural Society has criticised the BBC's gardening programmes. Elizabeth Banks told The Sunday Times that she believes the corporation has 'dumbed down' its output. 'I think the whole gardening issue at the BBC has gone downhill,' she said. 'If you look at Gardener's World, they've panicked and lost the essence. I don't like patronising people and feel that's what they're doing.' Banks claimed that the BBC is 'scared of being too snobby' and should use the Latin titles for plants instead of the common names. However, a spokesperson for the Royal Horticultural Society insisted that the organisation is 'delighted' with the BBC's coverage. Sounds like a bit of a schizophrenic organisation. Not to mention one that's well used to dealing with manure.

And, speaking of manure Leona Lewis has claimed that she will never agree to take part in reality shows such as I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! Despite achieving global success after winning The X Factor in 2006, the singer assured Now that she would not be appearing on reality TV again, especially the jungle-based ITV game show. 'I'd rather gouge my eyes out with toothpicks,' she said. Oh, that's sounds like the sort of thing they're really like on I'm A Celebrity, I'd be careful what you wish for, chuck. 'My friends make me watch it just to hear me scream. It's the most awful thing anyone could ever put themselves through.' However, Lewis conceded that she could be tempted into appearing on fellow ITV show Dancing On Ice, as she 'would at least learn a skill.' Lewis has previously criticised recent series of The X Factor, claiming that the show is 'a pantomime' and 'no longer about singing.' Was it ever?

Neil Gaiman has revealed that his upcoming Doctor Who episode has changed dramatically since he wrote the first draft. Writing on his Twitter feed, the author discussed the episode's rumoured working title The House of Nothing. '[It] was only called The House of Nothing for about twenty minutes in Feb 2009, when it still had a house in it. And some nothing' he said. Gaiman denied that he was disappointed not to be writing for former star David Tennant, insisting that Matt Smith's Doctor 'is even more fun, sometimes.' He also revealed that his favourite Doctor was Patrick Troughton, who played the character's second incarnation between 1966 and 1969. 'There is only one. But Patrick Troughton is MY Doctor,' he admitted.

Torchwood star Eve Myles has admitted that she is nervous at the prospect of moving with her family to America in order to film a new series of the show. It was previously announced that the BBC had commissioned a new series of the Doctor Who spin-off, in partnership with US network Starz. Myles told WalesOnline: 'To be honest, I am quite nervous and apprehensive but then I still get nervous every time I start a new job and then as soon as I've filmed the first day I calm down a bit. We're not sure yet whether we are going to be living in Los Angeles or Canada.' The actress explained that she is still surprised at how popular Torchwood has become in the US. 'I had no idea exactly how big it was until I was in Washington DC and I saw myself on the back of a bus. Weird. It's got an absolutely massive fan-base, it's been the number one sci-fi show for the past three years out there.' She also revealed that she had not remained in regular contact with co-star John Barrowman. 'I haven't managed to see John much but we get on so well that as soon as we start working it will be like we've been together for weeks.'

After the cancellation of The Bill and the surprise departure of chief executive Lorraine Heggessey, Talkback Thames is planning to shed around thirty jobs as part of a restructure designed to cope with 'very tough market conditions.' The company has revealed plans to cut around twenty per cent of its one hundred and fifty staff, and is in consultation with those affected. It also plans to put a fresh emphasis on the development of new shows, which along with the cancellation of The Bill, has been identified by sources as one or the key reasons for Heggessey's departure. The redundancies are part of wider changes designed to help the company deal with the 'demands of the changing marketplace.' Sara Geater, who is interim chief executive, said the business needed to be 'realigned.' Is that shit-media-bollocks-speak for 'made smaller'?

Shane Richie and Coleen Nolan's son Jake Roche has joined the cast of Emmerdale as a new love interest for teenager Hannah Barton. The seventeen-year-old has taken on the role of college student Isaac, who is to become Hannah's first proper boyfriend when they start dating later this year. Hannah's new relationship will be a welcome distraction as her sister Holly's ongoing drug problem continues to cause a crisis in the Barton household. With parents John and Moira firmly distracted by Holly's issues, it remains to be seen whether they will be there for Hannah as the romance gets more serious. Speaking of his casting, Roche commented: 'I am thrilled to be part of such a great team. Everyone has made me feel so welcome. After watching Emmerdale for years on TV, I still have to pinch myself on set as it's all very surreal. My family have been very supportive as always and we all can't wait to see my first episode.' Emmerdale's producer Gavin Blyth added: 'Jake is a great addition to the cast. Isaac will be a fun character who will offer some light relief for Hannah as her family face their darkest hour.' Roche is the youngest of the two sons from Richie and Nolan's nine-year marriage.

Ruth Rendell has criticised the graphic portrayal of violence on television. The crime writer told the Daily Telegraph that she believes that some scenes are too explicit. 'The crime on television at the moment is over-violent,' she said. 'I don't think it's necessary. I don't like it, and many people, not necessarily of my age, don't like it.' Rendell added that she is worried about the effect the programmes will have on viewers. 'The more you pander to what is, presumably, the taste of young people, the more you corrupt,' she said. 'I don't think they want it, really - they are told they want it.' She continued: 'Why do we have to have violence, torture, brutality in crime dramas every time we turn on television? Any new crime drama is going to have, sooner or later, a lot of torture and nasty things that make people flinch. Lots of young people I know shrink and flinch from that kind of thing on television, so I think showing it is a mistake. It corrupts people because if they see it they get used to it, and, sadly, they expect it.' Yes, dear blog reader, this is indeed the same Ruth Rendell, the author of The Ruth Rendell Mysteries in which every episode featured a particularly grizzly murder. Who needs crass hypocrisy from the Daily Scm Mail when we've got unemployed former TV dramatists on hand?

Penny Smith has warned Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley about the early morning hours they face when the pair take over GMTV. The presenter, who left the breakfast show at the beginning of June after seventeen years, wished the new hosts luck but issued a note of caution. She told the Sun: 'It will be interesting to see how they manage getting up at three or four in the morning, five days a week. I wish them well.' It'll also be interesting to see how Frank Lampard cops with being kicked awake at three or four in the morning, five days a week as well.

Fern Britton has revealed that she is 'enjoying life' and spending more time sleeping following her departure from This Morning. Ah yes, being asleep. You don't have to worry about anything then, do you Fern?

House stars Hugh Laurie and Lisa Edelstein have confessed that they are uncertain how the romance between their characters will develop. Speaking to Entertainment Weekly, the pair admitted that filming the storyline was nerve-wracking at first. 'I was terrified of saying "I love you,"' Edelstein said. 'But I think that in the final scene of season six, Cuddy makes it clear that she's ready to go for it. Even the appearance of happiness [in his character] has taken some getting used to,' joked Laurie. 'I had a week of happiness training before the season started up, and I'm whistling more than usual.' However, Laurie dismissed the notion that the romance was doomed. 'I don't think [so], necessarily,' he said. 'But let's face it, neither of these characters has a clean licence.' The actor also compared his character's new romance to his previous on-screen relationship with ex-girlfriend Stacy Warner (played by Sela Ward). 'I've always thought of House as a romantic, and I don't think romantics are much given to comparing,' he said. 'But speaking as a friend of House, he seems to be attracted to strong women. He likes to get as good as he gives.'

Zoe Wanamaker has insisted that she has 'high standards' for her sitcom My Family. The show begins its tenth series this week but the BBC has already ordered an eleventh run. Wanamaker, who previously criticised the quality of the programme, has now revealed that she and her co-star Robert Lindsay always make sure they are happy with the scripts. 'Robert and I have high standards,' she told the Daily Telegraph. 'We expect every single episode to be diamond sharp and sometimes they're not - the prep time for the writers is very short. But I would say the majority of the episodes in this new series are great.' Wanamaker also admitted that she had expected the show to finish two years ago after the one hundredth episode. 'I was definitely under the impression we were never going to do any more again and I was quite happy with doing one hundred episodes,' she explained. 'Quite happy. So it was a surprise when the BBC wanted me [back].'

Sinitta has revealed that Simon Cowell is furious with her after she launched a wild card Internet challenge for The X Factor without his permission. Speaking to the Mirror, the singer admitted that she may not be able to appear as a guest judge as planned, after a PR woman for the show allegedly 'cautioned' her. 'She said the team were very angry and upset with me and that I had not done myself any favours,' the faded-old has-been said. 'I know Simon is angry. He's been angry with me before but never like this in all the nearly thirty years I have known him. He usually rings and it's the call you dread.' Explaining her intentions, she added: 'I am passionate about the show and I just wanted to help. I was just trying to help the thousands of hopefuls who never get on to The X Factor. I thought this was an opportunity for people to do it online, to upload their thing so everyone gets seen. I think Simon is upset because The X Factor is upset. It is a big brand and they want to protect the brand. I am sorry, Simon. If they don't want me on X Factor, I have to accept that.' Meanwhile, a spokesman for the show said of Sinitta's website: 'It has absolutely nothing to do with The X Factor.'

The BBC Trust has rejected the BBC's plans to close the digital radio station 6 Music. In his initial response to the BBC strategy review, BBC Trust chairman Sir Michael Lyons said that the case for the closure of 6 Music had not been made. He said the Trust - which represents the interests of licence fee payers - would consider closing 6 Music only as part of a wider strategy on the future of digital radio. But the Trust accepted plans to close the Asian Network, cut twenty five per cent of the online budget and close teen service Blast.

Ashley Cole has found himself embroiled in yet another sex scandal after a 'mystery blonde' allegedly claimed that he texted her during England's World Cup campaign. Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, the unnamed woman is said to have revealed that she was 'shocked' when she discovered that the Chelsea footballer - who has previously had a string of affairs while he was married to Cheryl Cole - wanted her to send him explicit photos. And, she also claimed that he became 'obsessive' over her. She said: 'He was sending texts so close to games he must have been doing it before jumping on the team coach on his way to the matches. He would get frantic if the pictures wouldn't arrive in time for him to see them before kick-off. I think fans will be really shocked that this was how he prepared for games.' Not really. In fact, it explains much to be honest. 'If the way he prepared is anything to go by it's little wonder they played so badly,' the anonymous (and, possibly fictitious) woman continued. 'He clearly wasn't only focusing on football. I couldn't believe that somebody supposed to be at the biggest tournament of their career could spend so much time obsessed with phone sex. There were days when he'd text me for hours demanding pictures, videos and for me to call him and talk dirty. On the day of the USA game he was sending me texts, asking for pictures and telling me to 'hurry up' when I didn't reply. His mind seemed to be on phone sex more than it did on football. When I got a message out of the blue I wasn't sure who it was at first. I replied to see who it was but the guy was being coy and not giving me his surname. I knew one of my pals was mates with Ashley Cole so I suspected it was him but he was petrified of sending me a picture. But he eventually did and I was quite star-struck that Ashley thought I was pretty and went along with the flirting.' She allegedly added: 'It was only meant to be a laugh but he started demanding explicit pictures of myself straight away which I thought was really odd and not normal. I didn’t want to do that because I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of it. And I certainly wouldn't want pictures of me being on a stranger's phone. Instead I just took some pictures off the internet where you couldn't see the person's face and sent them instead. He was clearly getting off on it. When I didn't reply to his messages I'd get frantic texts asking me why. He'd text things like "You should be looking after me," and was quite obsessive about getting pictures. He was obviously very bored and lonely during the World Cup with nothing else to think about than his phone and how he could use it to get pictures. It wasn‘t like he was sitting in his room doing it late at night when he was bored. He was texting non-stop probably right under Fabio's nose.'

Justin Bieber's Twitter page has become the target of an Internet joke. A public vote on the Canadian singer's My World Tour page asked users which country he should tour next, with no restrictions on the nations that could be votedup on. This spurred users of imageboard website 4Chan to nominate North Korea, with the vote now turning viral. There are now almost half a million votes to send Bieber to the secretive Communist nation. The contest, which ends at six o'clock on 7 July, saw North Korea move from twenty fourth to first place in less than two days, several thousand votes ahead of Israel. Given the fact that almost all citizens of North Korea are denied Internet access and there are restrictive controls over all media, it is unlikely that any of the votes have actually come from within the country. A spokesman for the North Korean Embassy in London told BBC News that any application for sixteen-year-old Bieber to tour would be dealt with by its mission to the United Nations, although the matter would be referred to Pyongyang. I'm sure the Great Leader would enjoy a bit of teen-pop.

Former hot dog speed-eating champion Takeru Kobayashi has been arrested at this year's event in New York. The six-time champion, who did not compete in this year's event, was arrested as he tried to get on the stage after the competition. Kobayashi had refused to sign a contract with the speed-eating body, Major League Eating, and was barred from the event at Coney Island. Joey Jaws Chestnut won the contest for the fourth year running. Kobayashi, the Japanese contender who smashed all previous US records in 2001, jumped a barrier and tried to get up on the stage while the crowd chanted: 'Let him eat!' He briefly resisted police attempts to eject him from the stage, grabbing a barrier as they pulled him away. The thirty two-year-old has been charged with resisting arrest, trespass and obstructing governmental administration. Kobayashi, nicknamed 'The Tsunami,' had written on his Japanese-languange blog that he didn't want to sign a contract that would prevent him from entering speed eating competitions run by other federations. Chestnut won this year's annual Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest, winning a mustard yellow belt and the thwenty thousand dollar first prize. Plus a course of colonic irrigation. Probably. But his winning score of fifty eight hot dogs failed to beat his previous record of sixty eight. In a post-eat interview he reportedly said 'if [Kobayashi] was a man he'd be up on stage.' He tried, Jaws, he tried.

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