Sunday, November 15, 2009

Week Forty Seven: Quality Inertia

It is with great and genuine sadness that yer Keith Telly Topping has to report to you, dear blog reader, the perfectly shocking news that a member of his family revealed over the weekend he had 'ordered Susan Boyle's CD.' Wild horses would not make me publicly out the nephew involved in this disgrace, of course. Oh no.

The Internet has been much-afilled, perhaps inevitably, with some wailing and gnashing of teeth over the cancellation of Dollhouse earlier in the week. To be fair, the series started quite poorly last year - high-concept, no obvious hook (besides Eliza Dushku in leather pants of course - which, I'll grant you, was undoubtedly nice) and an awkward premise that most of the good guys are, actually, really rather horrible. But, happily it got very good very quickly and the last couple of episodes I've seen have been among the best bits of TV of 2009. Ain't that always the way? Sadly, nobody's watching it - the series should, by rights, have got canned at the end of the first series given the numbers it was getting but FOX, perhaps feeling guilty over their silly decision to drop Joss Whedon's last series, Firefly, a few years ago - gave the show another chance. And, still nobody came to the party. There's another nine episodes of Dollhouse which FOX have stated will be shown during December and January. Hopefully they'll maintain the quality and Joss will have an opportunity that he didn't have with Firefly to properly finish the show. At the end of the day, TV remains a brutally simple game. If you make a show and it finds an audience, you'll probably survive at least until that audience grows tired of it. If you never get an audience to speak of in the first place, then your life expectancy is going to be pretty short. In other news, life's a bitch and then you die.

It was a night of drama and tears on Strictly this week. Firstly, Bruce Forsyth was forced to pull out after being struck down with influenza. The eighty one-year-old presenter was told by his doctor to take a week off. Co-host Tess Daly took over Brucie's usual role out-front with a bit of help of wee Ronnie Corbett (who was really rather good having been parachuted in at such short notice - total professional, see). Whilst the estimable Claudia Whatsherface did the back-stage 'talking to the dancers' bit. And did it beautifully. If I was Brucie, I'd be really worried, frankly. So the show coped well with him. Elsewhere, though, it was total bloody carnage as poor Jade Johnson suffered what appeared to be a serious knee injury during dress rehearsals. And then poor Laila Rouass, who'd been nursing an ankle injury all week after tripping going up stairs, broke down three quarters of the way through her rumba. Craig Revel Horwood sticking the knife in and giving her a 'three' was just the icing on the cake for the poor lass who, promptly broke down in Anton Du Beke's arms and wailed like a Norwegian trawlerman. The public, needless to say, took pity on them and saved the couple from the dreaded dance-off. Unlike Keith Telly Topping's own fave-rave Tuffers, who'd earlier kicked-off the night with really decent American smooth which had Bruno going on about him joining the Mile High Club. Phil said afterwards that he was jolly pleased he didn't drop Katya. Everyone who saw him fielding down at fine leg for England will feel pretty much the same way I'm guessing. But, out they went on the deciding vote of Len who saved Ricky Groves instead. Baffling.

Let's have some Top Telly Tips:

Friday 20 November
Tonight sees the broadcast of the annual Children in Need night - 7:00 till late on BBC1. Sir Terry Wogan, Tess Daly and Alesha Dixon launch the thirtieth Children in Need telethon, with the whole country joining in 'a massive marathon of fun and fundraising.' Or, you know, not. That's if Tess hasn't caught Brucie's flu by then of course in which case Claudia Winkleman and Ronnie Corbett are probably on stand-by. Among the highlights promised on this year's event are special one-off instalments of Merlin, Casualty, Walk on the Wild Side and Lark Rise to Candleford, plus a preview of the Doctor Who Christmas special. Ooo ... Okay, I suddenly got interested for a moment there. Musical performances come from the casts of EastEnders, Hollyoaks, The ONE Show (for God sake, do not let Chiles sing, there's only so much horror the world can take before it collapses in on itself like a flan in a microwave) and The Bill. As well as the Christ-awful Taylor Swift, the only marginally better Westlife and the BBC newsreaders. As ever, of course, it's all for charideee and it's done in good spirit but, take my advice as a seasoned Children in Need watcher. Keep your remote control handy because, inevitably with this sort of thing, the quality threshold is variable.

Saturday 21 November
The Secrets of Stonehenge: A Time Team Special - 7:50 Channel 4 - is a repeat but it's a repeat of one of Keith Telly Topping's favourite shows so we'll forgive its trespass onto our tellybox in such circumstances and going up against Strictly and X Factor. This is a feature-length special in which Tony Robinson reports on a historic venture to present the definitive account of a legendary monument. Over the last six years, a huge team of archaeologists have been digging at Stonehenge and the surrounding prehistoric landscape to uncover the site's ancient secrets. During their excavations the team found the biggest Neolithic settlement in Northern Europe. Great stuff. Phil's in his element, as usual, 'oooing' and arring' with the digging teams.

Meanwhile, in The X Factor - 8:00 ITV - there are now only six acts remaining in the competition. And today they must, again, sing live for their supper in a battle to win 'the biggest prize in pop.' Getting to be sinister, wicked Simon Cowell's plaything all the time rather than just twice a week. Also fighting it out will be Simon and his fellow judges - cheeky Cheryl, naughty, uppity Dannii and seemingly bewildered Louis. Host Dermot O'Leary will be on hand to deal with all the tears, triumphs, tantrums and tragedies. Incidentally, Simon reckons Joe's going to win, the member of my family who bought the Susan Boyle CD (hi, Graeme) reckons Danyl's gonna win and I ... couldn't give a stuff really, I was plumping for Jamie cos he was a bit different to the others but, Sunday saw the public voting him out. i resigned from the human race in protest but i don't think it did much good.

Sunday 22 November
On Top Gear - 9:00 BBC2 - Jezza, Richard and James attempt to 'save the planet' (oh, no!) by building their own electric car. This has got a 'what could possibly go wrong?' intro written all over it! They then put their 'green' creation through the rigours of the new car testing process. Which'll give Jeremy a chance to scream "POWER!" a lot. Saving the planet and pissing off hippies at the same time. It's ALL good! Meanwhile on the track, Europe takes on the US in some 'battle of the continents,' type shenanigans as Jezza pits the Corvette ZR1's muscle against the finesse of Audi's R8 V10. They make nice cars, the Germans. And, you know, cars that don't break down either. Unlike the Italians. The Star in a Reasonably Priced Car this week is Hollywood's hottest new property, Frost/Nixon and The Damned United star Michael Sheen.

As mentioned earlier in the week, Dave's comedy debating show, Argumental comes to BBC2 at 11:30. God, that's late. Don't they know some people have to be up for work in the morning? Of course, this is chaired by John Sergeant - who is, easily, the funniest regular on the show. Team captains Marcus Brigstocke and Rufus Hound (neither of whom would frankly know a joke if it got up and gave them a slap in the mush) are joined by guests Dara Ó Briain and Chris Addison to argue that bodybuilders look fabulous and that Britain will bounce back better than ever.

Monday 23 November
I've been enjoying FlashForward - 9:00 Five - a lot of late. It's got a strange dichotomy that mixes some very big concept ideas with some rather small and twatty - and far less interesting - human stories. Somehow, it actually works and the sum is greater than the constituent parts. It's Lost-lite, of course, but it's developing, and gaining confidence and it's got a lot of good actors in it. In tonight's episode, Mark (Joseph Pffinneess) attempts to track down the person responsible for texting Olivia about his drinking during his flashforward vision. Meanwhile Demetri's (the excellent John Cho) colleagues try to find the mysterious caller who warned him about his unfortunate fate.

Gracie! - 9:00 BBC4 - is the first of short series of bio-pics from BBC4 about female icons of the Twentieth Century. They're getting very good at this sort of thing as those of you, dear blog reader, who saw and enjoyed their 'comedy icons' series last year will already know. Rochdale-born singer and comedienne Gracie Fields was the nation's darling during the 1930s. Beginning on the cusp of the second world war and at the phenomenal peak of her career, this heart-breaking love story tells of Gracie's relationship with Italian-born Hollywood director, Monty Banks and its staggering repercussions for her when the two countries went to war. Stars Jane Horrocks (whom I usually find really annoying, sadly) and Tom Hollander. Yeah, worth a shot this one, I reckon.

Finally, in EastEnders - 8:00 BBC1 - Sam's disappearance threatens to cost the Mitchells everything they have. Well, that's a Queen Vic, basically isn't it? Not the end of the world, losing a pub, guys. Meanwhile, Liz gives Owen a brutal ultimatum (is it a good slap by any chance?), Jordan wins a battle in his quest for a 'Tree for Trina' and Roxy and Dr Al share a very special connection. Corks.

Tuesday 24 November
Paradox - 9:00 BBC1 - is a new drama series starring Tamzin Outhwaite with a rather intriguing premise. Christian King, a world-renowned astrophysicist, claims to have received a series of images from space. The images show fragments of an event, an explosion in which many people are killed. Shockingly, Dr King claims the disaster is yet to happen; it will take place in eighteen hours time. Is this an elaborate warning of a terrorist attack, or could it be something else entirely? Uncertain, Detective Inspector Rebecca Flint and her team investigate King and the images, and begin to contemplate the impossible. The trailers looks very good - sort of [Spooks]-meets-Lost if you like. Watch now it'll turn out to be rubbish after I've given it that build-up.

One of the cult shows of the last decade, Location, Location, Location gets a mini-series spin-off which starts tonight. In Relocation, Relocation: It's Never Too Late - 9:00 Channel 4. Kirstie, Kirstie Allsopp and Phil, Phil Spencer help people to change their accommodation (and, hopefully, their lives) in today's turbulent property market. As we've speculated about in the past, how long do we reckon it's going to be before we get a new property series called You Know What, I Think We'll Stay Here. In this special edition, they come to the aid of Margot and Henry Harris, who are on the hunt for a new home in Berkshire and a holiday house on the Dorset coast. Ah, yet another member of the notorious two-homes family. Most people can barely afford one, these people want two. That's just greedy, surely?

Monkey Life - 7:30 Five - is a series following the residents of Dorset's Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre. And not what happened to Mike, Peter, Davy and Micky after the TV show got cancelled. Now, y'see, thirty years ago that joke would've worked really well. Anyway, there is a scuffle between the female capuchins, Tia needs surgery and the orangutan, Amy, is heavily pregnant - and very grumpy. Yeah, that tends to happen with human ladygirls as well, Amy, if it's any consolation. In the chimp nursery, meanwhile, there's something new in the play area. And handler Alison has her final visit with Paulo, the baby woolly monkey she has successfully hand reared.

Wednesday 25 November
The fifth film in the epic series Andrew Marr's The Making of Modern Britain - 9:00 BBC2 charts the events that shaped the Britain we know and love. A climate of betrayal, political extremism, financial crisis and unemployment pervaded 1930s Britain, with the country descending into near-chaos following the financial crash on Wall Street. All of this, of course, sounds horribly au courant doesn't it? Modern Britain had one eye on the future and one nostalgic eye on the past, but with black shirted Fascists on the march not only in Europe but also on the streets of London, protesting against the influx of economic refugees the British public's reticent nature was put to the test and the country finally chose confrontation over appeasement. Yep - what goes around, comes around it would seem.

In the makeover show, Ten Years Younger - 8:00 Channel 4 - Myleene Klass (you know, her that's never off telly) and her team face one of their biggest challenges to date. That involves transforming the appearance of sixty four-year-old Marie and seventy two-year-old Betty. Sun worshipper Marie has an enviable retirement lifestyle but after years of heavy smoking, in addition to an abundance of deep set wrinkles she also has stained teeth. Betty epitomises a petite little old lady, but is far from her seventy two years in spirit.

Jimmy's Food Factory - 7:30 BBC1 - is a rather entertaining science series with TV farmer Jimmy Doherty. In this programme Jimmy uncovers some of the tricks and techniques that food producers use to ensure that we can enjoy our favourite foods whenever we want them. He turns some of his own farmed pork into square sandwich ham and attempts to copy the industry trick of artificially ripening green bananas. He discovers how fish farmers fool their fish into believing that it's summer time when it's actually winter. I'm guessing that involves quite a bit of electricity. And he also finds out how mushrooms are produced out of season.

Thursday 26 November
It's a big, big big comedy night for the BBC tonight. Firstly, there's the return of Keith Telly Topping's utterly beloved Qi - 9:30 BBC1 - quite possibly the greatest TV show that doesn't have the words 'Doctor' and 'Who' in the title. Stephen Fry glances gleefully at gardens (it's a dirty job but, hey, somebody's got to do it) and various other subjects starting with the letter G. The panel on the opening show sees most of the big guns brought out - David Mitchell, Rob Brydon, Dara Ó Briain and the ever-present Alan Davies. Sixteen episodes this season so, settle down this is going to be a fixture until well into 2010.

Rob Brydon also shows up in Gavin and Stacey - 9:00 BBC1 where he is - by a distance - the best thing in the show. Now, I've got to admit, Gavin and Stacey is something of a blind spot for me. I know it's very popular, I just can't quite work out why. Anyway, in this the first of a third (and final) series, Gavin starts his new job in Cardiff and Stacey is thrilled to be at home again. Smithy comes to terms with life in Essex without his best mate, whilst Nessa is adjusting to life in Dave's caravan down Sully. The weekend brings with it a big reunion, as everyone meets up for the christening of Neil the baby. But how will Smithy react to news from Nessa that it is a double celebration, and what will Gavin's answer be to Stacey's request?

The Hunt for Red October: The True Story - 8:00 Five - is a historical documentary exploring the real-life events that inspired the Tom Clancy novel and film, The Hunt for Red October. You know, the one in which Sean Connery played the world's first Russian-Scotsman. I particularly like the bit where he was wittering on about when he was 'a wee boy' and he used to 'fishhhh in the Black Shhhhea.' Anyway, in 1975, a disgruntled Soviet naval officer led a mutiny on board a state-of-the-art warship ... and shhhhailed into hishhhhtory. Oh, yeshhhh. Unlike Connery's movie captain, this maverick sought to cause a revolution in his own land - and almost sparked a third world war in the process.

Onto some Top Telly News: ITV's excellent strip-scheduled drama, Collision, ended its five-night run with 6.4m, according to overnight figures. The series, which followed the lives of those caught in a motorway crash, pretty much maintained its audience from previous episodes following the opening night's seven and a half million.

John Simm has said that he avoided subtlety as The Master in this year's forthcoming Doctor Who specials. The actor, who will reprise the role that he first played in 2007's Utopia in the upcoming end-of-year episodes, said that he was influenced by The Joker from the Batman movies. He told the Daily Mail: 'If you thought I was hamming it up in the last one, wait till you see this. I like to be quite subtle, but this doesn't call for subtle. The Master is insane. I also used a bit of Caligula and a bit of Tony Blair! But in this, The Master is off the leash. Unhinged. Totally unplugged!' Fantastic! He added on taking the role: 'It was so I could prove to [my son that] daddy is an actor. He can never watch anything I'm in and this was perfect because he loves Doctor Who. There are moments I'll cherish forever. The best bits about being a screen actor are the moments when the camera is behind you and, as far as the eye can see, you are in that world. There were also moments which were pure Boys' Own fantasy, but I can't say what because I don't want to ruin people's Christmas!'

Russell Davies has said he has no plans to make a Doctor Who feature film. The writer, who hands over the reins as show-runner to Steven Moffat next year, told ShortList that rumours he would helm a movie next year were completely untrue. Davies said: 'There's not enough money and I feel like I've made sixty movies already.' Of the story leaks during his time as head of the production, Davies added: 'I don't want to go to my deathbed without finding out who leaked stuff. They will be found. When I was inside the programme it really pissed me off but now I'm outside it and seeing stuff that they're filming appear in the papers it excites me and doesn't put me off watching it in the slightest.'

A never-before-aired Star Trek pilot will be released on Blu-ray on 15 December. A movie collector in Germany acquired a print of an alternate version of the science fiction show's second pilot episode, Where No Man Has Gone Before and 'brought it to the attention' of Paramount, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The restored episode, completed in 1965, will be included in the forthcoming Star Trek: Original Series - Season 3 Blu-ray set. The episode features a different version of Captain Kirk's opening monologue, spoken by William Shatner, an unfamiliar musical theme and several extended action sequences.

Hugh Laurie has revealed that he can't stand watching himself on television. The House actor particularly dislikes his voice, Showbiz Spy alleges. 'I hate watching myself on screen,' Laurie is quoted as saying. 'Worst of all is hearing myself. I'd rather see myself with the sound down, actually.' He continued: 'Actually, no, even that's not good. I've never liked my voice. I don't think anyone ever likes hearing their own voice.'

X Factor judge Dannii Minogue has reportedly claimed she may quit the show if John and Edward knock out her last remaining act, Stacey Solomon. So, there you go kids. Get rining for Jedward tonight. Dannii is still reportedly incandescent with rage about the twins being chosen ahead of Lucie Jones last week, the Irish Herald reports. A show insider said: 'Dannii is fuming and just disillusioned at the whole show. She thinks the Grimes boys are nice kids, but that they don't deserve to take a place in the remaining acts on the show. She was devastated to lose Lucie last week and she couldn't take it if remaining act Stacey also got the boot and the Grimes stayed in. She has told people on the show that she couldn't see the point in staying if all the talented singers were shown the door.' Oh dear, trouble in paradise.

David Lloyd, the Emmy-winning scriptwriter whose credits include Taxi, Cheers and Frasier, has died of prostate cancer at the age of seventy five. His prolific four-decade career also included stints on Rhoda, Lou Grant and Johnny Carson's Tonight Show. In the US he was best known for writing the Chuckles Bites the Dust episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show. The episode - once voted the funniest in TV history in one of those 'what's the funniest episode in TV history' polls - involved a children's host being crushed by an elephant. The 1975 show won Lloyd an individual Emmy for outstanding writing in a comedy series, a prize for which he was nominated on a further seven occasions. He won a second Emmy in 1977 as one of the writers for the final episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and a third in 1998 when Frasier was named best comedy series. In 2001 he received a lifetime achievement award from the Writers Guild of America.

ABC has been talking about - and, seemingly, seriously considering - a pilot order for an update of 1970s action show Charlie's Angels. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles producer Josh Friedman will write and executive produce the new Angels, reports Variety. Drew Barrymore, Nancy Juvonen and Leonard Goldberg, who produced the two Charlie's Angels movies, will share executive producer duties with Friedman. Goldberg also helped head up the original series. ABC attempted to revive the programme in 2004 with a version written by Lost author Carlton Cuse and John Wirth, but it was eventually scrapped.

The BBC's Sports Personality of the Year show will go head-to-head with ITV's heavyweight finale of The X Factor. The popular awards ceremony has been scheduled in a similar Sunday position in recent years. But this year it will take on The X Factor finale, as the results show is spun out into a second programme on a Sunday. A BBC spokesman said Sports Personality of the Year had been shown in the same Sunday pre-Christmas slot for the last twenty years. 'It's a real shame that ITV have chosen to change the date of The X Factor final, meaning that it will now clash,' he said. An ITV spokesman said: 'It has always been our intention that The X Factor live shows would run on Saturdays and Sundays through the current series.' Analysts predict the finale could be the most watched programme of the year with the potential for more than twenty million viewers watching at its peak. Last Sunday's results show had a peak of 16.6m in its final five minutes. But the BBC will no doubt be hoping to dent the talent contest's audience with the popular awards show. Last year's ceremony drew an average of 6.8m share on Sunday 14 December, winning its slot between 7pm and 9.05pm. The final five minutes of the programme drew just under ten million as triple Olympic gold medallist Chris Hoy won the award.

Ricky Gervais is to work on the script of a new office-based sitcom for Channel 4. PhoneShop has been created, written and produced by Phil Bowker, and will be script-edited by Gervais. It swaps the mind-altering drudgery of the Wernham Hogg paper company for a mobile-phone outlet in a shopping centre. Following a Comedy Showcase pilot - commissioned by Channel 4's head of comedy Shane Allen - the show has been greenlit for a six-part series on E4. It was Bowker, head of comedy at Talkback Thames, who got Gervais his first job on television a decade ago in The Jim Tavare Show on Five. The pair have remained close friends ever since.

Michael Winner's upcoming reality series for ITV has been moved from a daytime spot into a peak-time format, after impressing commissioners with the pilot episode. The series Michael Winner's Dining Stars, produced by Twelve Yard productions and Hat Trick, was initially ordered as a daytime series for early 2010. But Broadcast magazine revealed this week that the commission has been upgraded to a peak-time show. A source said: 'Once it came in, it was immediately clear that the show was perfect for peak-time, so a full series was ordered with the peak schedule in mind.' In the series, Winner travels around the country hunting for incredible dishes produced by amateur chefs. The chefs then compete to cook Winner and his critic friends an extravagant banquet at Winner's home. Oh God, it's Celebrity Golfing Trousers. If successful, the wannabe will be awarded a Dining Star – Winner's equivalent of a Michelin star.

Channel 4 is broadcast the crash-landing of a three hundred-seat passenger jet for a new documentary. Plane Crash (catchy title), a feature length documentary from Dragonfly, will see two pilots fly a passenger jet over an empty desert before they parachute out and autopilot the aircraft into a high speed crash. On-board cameras and sensors will document the crash as it happens, while crash test dummies will reveal the impact it would have on human passengers. It will be co-produced with National Geographic, Pro Sieben and ITV Studios Global Entertainment. Chanel 4 said this was the first time that an aircraft of this size has been subject to a crash-test as manufacturers cannot afford to stage them. Geoff Deehan, who is co-producing the one hundred and twenty-minute documentary, said: 'As well as making spectacular television, we hope Plane Crash will be one of the most useful experiments ever in the history of aviation - an experiment devised, run and supervised by some of the world's leading aviation experts. It will give us unprecedented answers to the big question: how can we make air crashes more survivable?'

A charity chief with a facial disfigurement will read the news on Five for a week in an attempt to try to break down prejudice. James Partridge, who is chief executive of Changing Faces, suffered severe burns in a car accident aged eighteen. He will front the Five News lunchtime bulletin for a week from Monday. A YouGov survey for the station found forty four per cent of respondents thought it would be a good idea for people with facial disfigurement to present TV shows. Some sixty four per cent of those surveyed said that seeing disfigurement on screen would not cause them to change channel, but a fifth of respondents said that they would feel uncomfortable seeing a disfigured presenter.

Two I'm A Celebrity... stars will be allowed to visit a 'love island,' according to tabloid reports. One male and one female contestant will be challenged to 'swim across shark-infested waters' to an island, where they must complete a task to win food. Afterwards, the couple will be forced to sleep under a canopy while the remaining contestants spend the night on a yacht with champagne. Producers were apparently hoping that veteran actor George Hamilton - the orangest man on the planet - and How Clean Is Your House? presenter Kim Woodburn, sixty seven, would participate in the task, but are concerned that they will not be fit enough. 'It will be tough but it will also be quite romantic sleeping out under the stars,' a source told the Sun. Think it'd be more romantic, not to mention more comfortable, sleeping on the yacht, though. 'We wanted George and Kim but when we tried it with two older stand-ins, they said it was too tough for older people.' It has also been revealed that the celebrities will be split into two groups, with one team skydiving into camp while the rest must travel on horses.

Gino D'Acampo has claimed that he will 'not get on well with stupid people' on I'm A Celebrity... The celebrity chef, forty three, also revealed that anyone with a 'gameplan' in the jungle would annoy him. 'I make friends very easily, although I have to say I also go off people easily if they have a gameplan or if they are stupid,' he said. 'I hate stupid people. I don't have the time, I can't be bothered. I don't like people that are not sincere and I don't like people when they believe one thing and say the complete opposite. If you think I'm an idiot then show me that's what you think, don't waste my time. If you don't like the colour red, well, tell me, because it makes my life easier as well. I cannot be bothered to put flowers around people all the time.' Oh, you're gonna get on fabulously with Katie, mate. Speaking about his reasons for going on the show, he added: 'I want to rediscover Gino D'Acampo if I can. The little boy that I loved, the little boy that was always relaxed about everything, the little boy that had fun with the simple things; I think I have lost that. Now it is now all about the business, the family, what to do about the kids, too many bloody responsibilities.'

Kim Woodburn has claimed that she will 'pee' near her bed like former I'm A Celebrity... winner Carol Thatcher. In 2005, Thatcher had to be warned by producers after she was caught by infra-red cameras urinating near her hammock. Speaking about Thatcher's antics, the How Clean Is Your House? presenter said: 'I liked Carol Thatcher; I thought she was a hoot. And when she peed over the side of the bed - I think I will be peeing over the side. I'm not getting out of bed at night in the dark with spiders dragging my knickers off. There could be anything out there.' Well, yeah. Ant and Dec, for a kick-off. 'I'm going to pee wherever I can. If anyone has a go at me I will say I'm peeing on my own side, not theirs. Come on, when you are lying there you are obviously worrying if there is a bug crawling up your bum or something; I'm not being funny.' You are, love. Trust me, you are. The cleaner also claimed that she would not be concerned about cleaning the toilets at camp. 'It doesn't bother me in the least. I have put my hands on faeces in houses and there is none of that with the camp toilet,' she said. 'I've seen them do it - unscrew, take the lid off, slam it down as quickly as you can, and put the fresh one in. It is not hard labour. It doesn't bother me - it's poo and pee.'

Fearne Cotton has revealed that Davina McCall is trying to help her find love. The TV presenter told the Mirror that McCall insists on acting as her matchmaker whether she likes it or not. Cotton explained: 'I need to let nature do its thing. Davina McCall likes to set me up with men, she sends me photos of guys she thinks I'll like. She's like a pushy auntie. I only let her get away with it because she's so nice.' Confirming that she would like a new partner, the star commented: 'I would always find time for love and a boyfriend. I don't think anyone's ever too busy to have a boyfriend, I think that's a great excuse which I would love to use myself, "Oh God, I'm single because I'm so busy," but it's not true.'

Katie Price has been given a tough time on an American chatshow. The glamour model was invited onto Chelsea Handler's programme, but failed to impress the host. Handler started the interview by asking Price: 'Why don't you explain to people what you do?' The thirty one-year-old replied: 'God, well, how long have you got?' Handler responded with a deadpan expression: 'Six minutes.' Price then explained: 'I started off as a model. I've got perfume out, bed linen, thirty three books. I've got underwear, swimwear. You name it, I do it.' She went on to say that she was in Los Angeles for Botox treatment before her forthcoming appearance on I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 'I always fly over here to get my Botox done. I'm mad, I love it,' Price stated. Handler replied: 'Anyone who looks at you will know that your forehead will never move.' Price replied: 'I've even got LA boobs as well. I fly over every three months to get my hair done and Botox.' Handler sarcastically called the reality TV star 'interesting,' before admitting that she did not want to hear anything else Price had to say. Oh, if only all of us had that option. She said: 'I'm not going to ask you anything anymore. It's your business what you want to do. You can go live with your horses and your kids and get Botox - I don't give a shit.' Now, if Jonathan Ross had said that to one of his guests, it would be front page news for the next three years.

1 comment:

Tarquin said...

I have a theory on Gavin and Stacey - it's because it's essex humour, it's very estuary, I know a few northerners who just don't get it, I've yet to meet someone from Reading or Kent who doesn't