Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Is it Tomorrow Or Just The End Of Time?

BBC director general Mark Thompson has warned that journalism in the UK is facing a 'dangerous period' because of attempts by police to force news providers to reveal their confidential sources. This month, Scotland Yard attempted to obtain a production order to compel the Gruniad Morning Star to disclose its source behind the revelation that Milly Dowler's phone was hacked by the Scum of the World. The Met Police ultimately dropped their action against the Gruniad after an outcry from newspapers, leading politicians and even some 'normal' people. In a speech in Taiwan earlier this week, Thompson expressed his 'shock' that Scotland Yard even attempted the move in the first place. 'I can think of no better example of a journalistic disclosure being in the public interest than the Milly Dowler story in the Guardian,' he said. 'That anyone in the Metropolitan Police should ever have thought otherwise is not only incomprehensible but disturbing.' Thompson said that there was a 'disturbing trend' for UK police forces 'routinely to demand that journalists disclose sources and hand over journalistic materials.' He also noted that the BBC was receiving an 'ever growing' number of demands for untransmitted news footage, which 'the police seem to regard as having no more privilege or protection attached to them than CCTV pictures.' The BBC, ITN and Sky News were last week ordered to hand over hundreds of hours of unbroadcast footage of the UK riots in August after being served with court orders by the police. Thompson said that it was vital that quality journalism should be not be damaged by the aftermath of the Scum of the World phone-hacking scandal, as lawmakers shape the future of press ethics and regulation. He didn't point out, but perhaps should have, that broadcasts do not work for the police they work for the public. He said: 'It would be easy to respond to the completely unacceptable actions of some journalists at the News of the World by adopting such a draconian approach that even the best journalism is constrained. It would be easy for concern over the appalling invasions of privacy revealed by the phone-hacking scandal to spill over into legislation or regulation which enables wrongdoers to escape journalistic exposure.'

Meanwhile, the BBC News website has beaten strong competition from rivals to scoop a major international award recognising 'excellence in online journalism.' The website, which was revamped in July of last year, won the 'Online Journalism Award' for a large website at the Online News Association awards in Boston. It beat the websites of New York Times, the Washington Post and Al-Jazeera English to take the accolade. And, once again, we have a classic example of the way in which the BBC is recognised overseas as a World Class broadcaster and journalistic enterprise whose worst critics are in knobcheese dictatorships like Iran and China and, with supreme irony, in its own back yard from scum newspapers and their friends scum politicians. Editor Steve Herrmann told BBC News: 'The award is brilliant news - it comes in the year following a major revamp of the news site, including a complete redesign. It's also been a year of huge news stories and we have been able to be increasingly effective at showcasing all the BBC's newsgathering potential and expertise on the site. We also launched our North America edition a year ago, and have just announced a further investment in Washington, to run an international edition of our popular magazine section, with the backing of BBC Worldwide, the BBC's commercial arm, which funds our services internationally.' Elsewhere in the ONA awards, Zeit Online, Flipboard and the Washington Post also picked up accolades. The Los Angeles Times and Pro Publica each won two thousand five hundred dollars and the Gannett Foundation Award for 'Innovative Investigative Journalism' for their respective reports on corruption in a California town and the high cost of kidney dialysis in the US. Online Journalism Association chairman Anthony Moor said: 'What's most gratifying is to see the proliferation of quality work from next-generation digital journalists. While there is justifiable concern about the fate of numerous long-established newsrooms, there's a healthy amount of excellent work coming from a new class of publications that don't rely on broadcast or print to inform the public.'

There was more good news for the BBC yesterday when a court in Rome ruled in favour of BBC Worldwide in a copyright infringement case against Silvio Burlusconi's Mediaset over the format of Strictly Come Dancing. The BBC claimed in its lawsuit that Mediaset's new Baila! programme copied the Strictly Come Dancing format, which is sold around the world as Dancing with the Stars. Rome judge Gabrielle Muscolo told Mediaset that it could not air Baila! with 'some of the characteristics described in its written deposition,' but did not disclose the specific characteristics in question. An Italian version of Strictly Come Dancing has aired on the public broadcast channel Rai for six years and is fully licensed by the BBC. However, Mediaset commissioned rival show Baila!, thought to be based on a South American format called Bailando Por Un Sueno, or Dancing for a Dream. Mediaset pulled the planned premiere of Baila! on Monday night on its Canale Five channel in Italy as it made last-minute changes to the format in-line with the court stipulations. However, the company also called the court's decision 'unfair and erroneous,' and noted that it was made without anyone 'having seen even one minute of the new show.' It said that Endemol, from which it purchased the Baila! format, had guaranteed that it was original, and vowed to appeal against the court verdict urgently. 'While Mediaset remains convinced that its programme is absolutely unique and original, Baila! will scrupulously observe the court imposed restrictions handed down by the civil court in Rome, confident that they will be rapidly overturned,' the company added.

The Queen has joined in the celebrations surrounding the fiftieth birthday of BBC1's Songs of Praise. The long-running series filmed a special episode to mark the occasion at Alexandra Palace in London this weekend. The Queen, writing in the programme given to audience members, described the show as 'a remarkable achievement' and said it 'delivered hope, comfort and joy to millions. [The series is] a traditional and much-loved part of our Sundays,' she said. 'I hope this evening's event will be a great occasion.' The anniversary episode of Songs of Praise will feature performances from Katherine Jenkins, Andrea Bocelli and LeAnn Rimes.
Labour shadow lack of culture secretary Ivan Lewis has told Rupert Murdoch that 'never again' will he be able to assert political power in Britain in pursuit of his 'commercial interests or ideological beliefs.' What a pity Ivan and a few of his parliamentary colleagues didn't show a bit of backbone like this a decade ago when they were actually in a position to do something about it. Speaking at the Labour Party conference, Lewis proposed a new 'system of independent regulation' for journalists after the phone-hacking scandal, including 'proper like-for-like redress which means mistakes and falsehoods on the front page receive apologies and retraction on the front page.' Lewis accepted that the history of Labour's relationship with Murdoch and his News International UK newspaper group has been 'a complex and tortuous one.' That's a nice way of saying that after the Sun did a hatchet job on Neil Kinnock those who followed him were so shit-scared of the power of Murdoch's media empire that they, effectively, got down on all fours and offered the media baron their own holes to plunge as he saw fit. However, he said that politicians must be able to 'stand up for the public interest without fear or favour' of the press in the future. He paid tribute to the efforts of MPs Tommy Watson (power to the people!), Chris Bryant and John Prescott in helping to expose the phone hacking scandal at the Scum of the World. The controversy has not only led to the closure of the one hundred and sixty eight-year-old disgraced and disgraceful Sunday paper and the withdrawal of Murdoch's bid to take full control of BSkyB, but it has also put the spotlight on the billionaire's close relationship with politicians of both main parties in the past. In his speech, Lewis accepted that Murdoch's media properties are hugely popular, but said that 'never again' must he be able to wield such influence over UK politics. 'A message for Mr Murdoch. Your newspapers and Sky TV are popular with millions of British people. Some people in our movement might find that uncomfortable but it's true,' he said. 'However - and yes Conference, we should have said this a long time ago - Mr Murdoch, never again think you can assert political power in the pursuit of your commercial interests or ideological beliefs. This is Britain. The integrity of our media and our politics is not for sale.' Lewis also called on David Cameron and his chancellor George Osborne to 'come clean' over the decision to appoint former Scum of the World editor Andy Coulson as the Conservative Party's communications chief. He said that 'despite numerous warnings' the Prime Minister took Coulson 'to the heart of our democracy at No 10 Downing Street,' a move which has been criticised following Coulson's recent arrest in the police phone hacking investigation. To improve ethics in the newspaper industry, Lewis suggested a system in which journalists can be struck off a register if they are found to be guilty of malpractice such as phone-hacking. Elsewhere in the speech, he outlined the further steps in Labour's creative industry network, the initiative designed to encourage companies to offer internships and apprenticeships. 'I am delighted to announce today that the Advertising Association, UK Music, Virgin Media and the Sharp Project have agreed to become the first signatories to our pledge,' he said.

Legendary comedy writer and producer David Croft as died aged eighty nine at his home in Portugal. Croft, whose TV credits include classic sitcom Dad's Army, died on Tuesday morning. A message on his official website reads: 'The family of comedy legend David Croft OBE are sad to report that David died peacefully in his sleep at his house in Portugal earlier today. He was a truly great man, who will be missed by all who had the great fortune of knowing and loving him. We know that he would have been proud that you had all been watching.' Croft, real name David John Sharland, was born in 1922 to actress Annie Croft and radio star Reginald Sharland. He was seventeen when he appeared, briefly, as the shop delivery boy Perkins in the 1939 film Goodbye Mr Chips. He later described the role as 'the beginning, middle and end' of his film career. He served in the army between 1942 and 1947 in England, India, Singapore and North Africa, which inspired his later works Dad's Army, 'Allo 'Allo! and It Ain't Half Hot Mum. Croft graduated from Royal Military Academy Sandhurst in 1942, and immediately entered the British Army. He served during World War II in North Africa, India and Singapore, rising to the rank of Major. When his military service ended he began working in the entertainment industry, as an actor, singer and writer, eventually settling as a TV producer. Croft relocated to the North East to work at Tyne Tees Television, where he produced many editions of the variety show The One O'Clock Show. For Tyne Tees, Croft also directed and produced Ned's Shed and Mary Goes to Market, as well as producing his first sitcom, Under New Management, set in a derelict pub in the North of England. After leaving Tyne Tees Television to work at the BBC in the mid-1960s, he produced a number of the Corporation's popular sitcoms such as Beggar My Neighbour, Further Up Pompeii! and Hugh and I as well as episodes of The Benny Hill Show and Steptoe And Son. It was while producing Hugh and I that he was introduced to a bit-part actor Jimmy Perry, who handed him an unsolicited script for a pilot called The Fighting Tigers about the British Home Guard during World War II. Croft liked the idea. Renamed Dad's Army, the two men co-wrote nine series of the sitcom (1968-1977), plus a feature film and stage show. It was recently estimated that every single person over the age of twenty five in Britain has seen at least one episode of the show. Together, Perry and Croft became two of the most renowned and loved comic writers in the country, in addition to Dad's Army, producing the almost-but-not-quite-as-good It Ain't Half Hot Mum as well as Hi-de-Hi! and You Rang, M'Lord? Croft later formed other writing partnerships with Jeremy Lloyd (on the hugely successful Are You Being Served?, it's spin-off Grace and Favour and another long-running wartime farce 'Allo 'Allo!) and Richard Spendlove (Oh, Doctor Beeching!). His final work was a pilot for Here Comes The Queen, which featured Wendy Richard, Les Dennis and Ian Lavender, and was broadcast in 2008. In 1978, Croft was awarded an OBE for services to television. He also won a Desmond Davis Award for his outstanding contribution to the TV industry and a Lifetime Achievement Award at the British Comedy Awards. Croft's comedy was loved and celebrated for its warm, family-friendly nature and his clever wordplay. In an interview with the TV Times in 2004, Croft complained that modern comedy had become too smutty and youth-orientated. There's no double entendres, it's single entendres - which alienate large parts of the public,' he said. 'In my day you wrote a show and if it was funny it found its audience. Everyone aims for the eighteen to twenty five age group, but they're at the pub or the latest movie.'

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has expressed his belief that 'the devil' of television has too much power over football in the UK. Which it does as anybody even vaguely involved in football knows and has known since the early 1990s. So, quite why it's taken miserable old Sir Alex this long to make his complaints public is a mystery. In an interview broadcast on BBC North West Tonight on Monday evening, Ferguson will say that TV - and specifically Sky - is able to control aspects of the English game because of the vast revenues it brings. Ferguson, who ended his long-running boycott on speaking to the BBC last month, claims that clubs have lost control over the scheduling of fixtures and this has hurt the teams competing in Europe. 'When you shake hands with the devil you have to pay the price. Television is God at the moment,' he said. 'It shows itself quite clearly because when you see the fixture lists come out now, they can pick and choose whenever they want the top teams on television. You get some ridiculous situations when you're playing on Wednesday night in Europe and then at lunchtime the following Saturday. You ask any manager if they would pick that themselves and there'd be no chance.' Ferguson also believes that clubs in the English top flight are not getting the money they deserve from television deals, particularly those struck overseas. The Premier League sells its product to two hundred countries around the world (which is pretty impressive since there's only about two hundred and ten in total. Makes you wonder who the ten are that don't show the Premier League?) But, Ferguson argues that 'when you think of that I don't think we get enough money.' When it was last renewed in February 2009, the Premier League's domestic TV rights deal with Sky was worth in excess of £1.6bn to show five twenty three-game packages from 2010 to 2013. Setanta paid one hundred and fifty nine million smackers for rights for the remaining matches over the three years, but this allocation was taken over by ESPN in 2009 after the Irish broadcaster collapsed in the UK market in financial distress. Each club is understood to earn on average £4.3 million for each game which is shown live on TV. In April, Ferguson blamed the 'powerful' TV companies for the lack of a winter break in the English football schedule, which he said is detrimental to players' fitness. And again, it has to be noted, pretty much all of this is true and has been since Sky first bought the Premier League rights in 1991. So, why's it taken Fergie twenty years to get around to whinging about it?

An inflatable pig was used to create a real-life replica of the cover of Pink Floyd's 1977 LP Animals on Monday. To mark the re-issue of the band's fourteen studio CD, the pig was flown over Battersea Power Station in a recreation of the iconic sleeve designed by songwriter Roger Waters with Storm Thorgerson and Aubrey Powell.
Now, here's an interesting little bit of rank trivia for you, dear blog reader. If you get a copy of The Pink Floyd's live video/DVD Pulse and jack the volume up to quite enormous levels at exactly fifty eight minutes into the show, in a pause between songs someone in the audience - probably off their bloody face on cake - can be heard bellowing 'LOOK AT THAT FUCKING PIG!!!!!' Personally, this blooger doesn't think that's any way to talk about Dave Gilmour but, there you go...

A shipwreck containing two hundred tonnes of silver worth about one hundred and fifty million quid has been found in the Atlantic - the largest haul of precious metal ever discovered at sea. The SS Gairsoppa, a UK cargo ship sunk by a German U-boat in 1941, was found by US exploration firm Odyssey Marine. The firm will retain eighty per cent of the cargo's value under the terms of a contract with the Department for Transport. Only one person from the eighty five-strong crew survived the torpedo attack as the ageing steamer tried to reach Ireland. The vessel was on its way back to Britain from India when it ran low on fuel in stormy weather, and tried to divert to Galway harbour, but it was spotted and sunk by the German submarine. Three members of the crew survived in a lifeboat and reached the Cornish coast two weeks later, but two died trying to get ashore. The wreck of the four hundred and twelve feet ship was found this summer nearly five thousand metres below the North Atlantic, three hundred miles off the Irish coast, but it was only confirmed as SS Gairsoppa last week. Odyssey Marine's senior project manager, Andrew Craig, said: 'We've accomplished the first phase of this project - the location and identification of the target shipwreck. Now we're hard at work planning for the recovery phase. Given the orientation and condition of the shipwreck, we are extremely confident that our planned salvage operation will be well suited for the recovery of this silver cargo.' SS Gairsoppa settled upright on the seabed with its cargo holds open, which means remote-controlled robotic submarines should be able to retrieve the bullion. Work would begin in the second quarter of 2012, Odyssey said. The marine archaeology and exploration company said it was 'highly unlikely' any human remains would be found, given the age and depth of the wreck. Odyssey's chief marine archaeologist Neil Dobson said: 'Even though records indicate that the lifeboats were launched before the ship sank, sadly most of her crew did not survive the long journey to shore. By finding this shipwreck and telling the story of its loss, we pay tribute to the brave merchant sailors who lost their lives.' The merchant ship belonged to the British India Steam Navigation Company, and was ordered into the merchant navy fleet at the outbreak of World War II. A Department for Transport spokeswoman said: 'The contract for the salvage of the SS Gairsoppa was awarded by competitive tender in accordance with government and departmental procedures. While we do not comment on the specifics of such commercial arrangements, Odyssey Marine Exploration were awarded the contract as they offered the best rate of return to HMG.'

Residents in the Surrey town of Staines are to be consulted on whether it should be given a new name. Spelthorne Borough Council intends to ask locals whether the town should be renamed 'Staines-upon-Thames' to promote a more 'positive' image. The consultation will launch this Saturday and runs until 31 October. Local councillors will then vote on the proposed name change at a meeting on 15 December. Councillor Colin David said: 'Staines has been undersold for a very long time and that needs to change. I believe the name 'Staines-upon-Thames' more accurately reflects our riverside location and will improve people's perceptions of the town.' The idea was first proposed by business leaders in November 2010 and attracted criticism from impressionist and celebrity golf bag Bobby Davro, a Staines native (which probably explains much) who labelled the idea as 'pompous and snobby.' Indie rock four-piece Hard-Fi also hail from Staines, which has a population of forty five thousand and is home to companies like British Gas and the UK research and development division of Samsung. Staines is also the hometown of fictional rapper Ali G, played by Sacha Baron Cohen. Ay.

And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. Which, today, goes all psychedelic and drug crazed for no obvious reason other than we haven't featured any Jimi yet.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Don't Know Why I Love You Like I Do After All The Changes You Put Me Through

Comedy line of the week - by quite a distance, as it happened: Stephen Fry on the latest episode of Qi hosted a round concerning the utter crap which manifests itself via those people who set up companies that offer to tell people how to run their business more efficiently. By, you know, getting the staff to go to a hotel for three days and draw pictures of the 'issues' surrounding their jobs. Stephen signalled his zero-tolerance for such practices: 'It's just becoming rapidly more clear that there are many people on earth who need to be killed. And, nearly all of them are management consultants.'
God wasn't the latest episode of [spooks] really good, dear blog reader? Always assuming, of course, that you were not one of the ninety seven million people watching Downton Abbey instead on the other side. Though someone was trying to convince yer actual Keith Telly Topping that it's not impossible these days to watch both. Apparently, they have devices which can recorded television programmes so you can watch them later. No, I was surprised as well. What will they think of next, eh? Anyway, this blogger is constantly impressed by the divine Nicola Walker's ability to act her little cotton socks off even in scenes in which she has virtually no dialogue.
Give that woman her own Body Farm-style spin-off when this series is finished.

And lastly for the introductory remarks. You want a screengrab from the trailer for the Doctor Who season finale? You got it.
Spooky.

The touchy subject of ratings rears its ugly head at this juncture. Now, you might have noticed, dear blog reader, that over the weekend something an Internet spatatte arose (on Twitter, predictably) between a particular gobshite columnist from one of the tabloids and the readers (and, indeed, the assistant editor) of the Doctor Who Magazine over the reporting of Doctor Who's 'rating figures.' From The North is, you'll be happy to know, staying well out of this one. Firstly because the journalist (and I do use that word with considerable ironic detachment) in question is a notorious shit-stirring trouble-maker whose factual accuracy or lack of it was highlighted by this blog as long ago as 2008. And, secondly, because I don't want to make the mistake which I think Tom - a good pal of this blogger, let it be said - and the DWM guys did of giving this wanker the oxygen of publicity. This is the sort of confrontation he thrives on, saying stuff which is, quite simply, not true (or, at least, true only in a specific context) and then sitting back and waiting for a reaction from someone. Cheap, petty, manufactured and, sadly, quite clever. Exactly the sort of thing the tabloids do for a living. However, there is a small postscript to all of this. You may recall last week that on Saturday evening ITV's All Star Family Fortunes got a (slightly) higher overnight audience figure than Doctor Who (5.3m versus 5.2m if you're taking notes). Which Vernon Kay - quite rightly - had a bit of a Twitter celebration over and which was then picked up by a couple of newspapers (the Sun and the Gruniad being just two and proof that this wasn't confined to merely the tabloids) who ran stories about Doctor Who's 'declining ratings.' I don't blame Vernon for that; he was happy his show was doing well and had every right to shout it from the rooftops. But it did, rather, open up the gates for a lot of very bad - and, in one or two cases, deliberately provocative and spiteful - reporting. Of course, as many people both within and outside the TV industry could have told them, overnight ratings only tell a part of the story. The way in which people consume TV is changing - rapidly. Seemingly too rapidly for many newspapers to keep up with. The advance of technology and of timeshifting - that is people watching TV shows not 'live', per se, but at a time of their choosing via TV on demand devices such as Sky+ or iPlayer - is now a reality. See above (and below) on the question of Downton Abbey and [spooks] (and, now, Fry's Planet Word) all being on at the same time - another tabloid obsession over the last couple of weeks. Once upon a time such a bit of scheduling would have meant a choice to be made. Now it doesn't have to. You can catch up on what you want, when you want and not miss out on anything. Indeed, several TV shows (Doctor Who is one, Top Gear is another classic example) are now finding that as much as half of their audiences come from people other than those who sit down to watch the thing when it's actually broadcast, live. So, yeah - Doctor Who's getting an overnight audience at the moment in the five to six million range. That's a very decent figure for most dramas but, unquestionably, it's less than the popular family SF drama was getting on overnights this time last year. On overnights. That's the important quantifier. However, it's still timeshifting between one and a half and two million viewers every week, not even counting iPlayer audiences (which, again, are usually in the million plus range). So, the long and the short of it is that the number of people watching Doctor Who each week this year is, pretty much, the same as the number that were watching it each week last year. It's just that a lot of them aren't watching it at seven o'clock on a Saturday night as they used to, they're watching it later in the evening. Or the next day. Or on Monday. Or whenever. But, of course, that's not a story the tabloids (or the Gruniad for that matter) are going to be interested in. TV Show Still As Popular As Last Year doesn't really have much news appeal, even I can see that! Thus, as noted, reporting overnights as 'ratings' isn't the whole story and it's becoming less and less of the whole story with each passing year. Newspapers, as with many aspects of life, are simply behind the times on this. By the time they catch up, like as not, we'll all be watching our TV on hand-held iPad-type malarkey. Oh for the good old days!

The reason I mention all of this is because, as it happens, today BARB have released the final, consolidated ratings for week-ending 18 October. And they make for jolly interesting reading. Or, at least, they would do if, for the second week running ITV's figures weren't conspicuous by their absence. That's a real shame - I'm sure we were all so looking forward to finding how many All Star Family Fortunes had timeshifted. So, in their absence, here is BBC1's top twenty shows for the week:-
1 EastEnders - Thurs - 8.92m
2 Doctor Who - Sat - 6.77m
3 Countryfile - Sun - 6.44m
4 The Body Farm - Tues - 6.31m
5 [spooks] - Sun - 5.63m
6 Antiques Roadshow - Sin - 5.60m
7 Who Do You Think You Are? - Wed - 5.59m
8 Outnumbered - Fri - 5.45m
9 Casualty - Sat - 5.40m
10 Waterloo Road - Wed - 5.35m
11 Torchwood: Miracle Day - Thurs - 5.13m
12 Holby City - Tues - 4.98m
13 Six O'Clock News - Mon - 4.78m
14 Planet Dinosaur - Wed - 4.74m
15 Ten O'Clock News - Tues - 4.63m
16 The ONE Show - Mon - 4.48m
17 The Queen's Palaces - Mon - 4.46m
18 Watchdog - Thurs - 4.27m
19 Match of the Day - Sat - 4.04m
20 BBC News - Sat - 3.99m
BBC2's five highest rated shows were:
1 The Great British Bake Off - Tues - 3.83m
2 Match of the Day 2 - Sun - 3.36m
3 Qi - Fri - 2.98m
4 University Challenge - Mon - 2.97m
5 Hairy Bikers' Meal On Wheels - Tues - 2.35m
Channel Four broke three million with Grand Designs (3.26m), whilst Sky Sports 1's coverage of The Scum's match against Moscow Chelski FC had an audience of 2.37m, the highest multi-channel of the week and higher than anything Channel Five could offer (Big Brother's Friday eviction episode got 1.93m). So, 6.77m - beat that Vern!

Speaking of TV reviewers - albeit, slightly less smug, cynical and often mendacious ones than the chap alluded to above - yer actual Keith Telly Topping finds himself continual drawn (not for the first time, as long term dear blog readers will know) to the warmth of the reviews that the Metro's Keith Watson produces. And, specifically, to his excellent - and highly positive - review of the opening episode of Fry's Planet Word. Negativity is so easy in the modern world, dear blog reader. So, let's give a bit of honest praise where it's due - and a jolly good pat on the back - to people like yer man Keith who actually find something to enjoy in the efforts of others: 'It's a curious dilemma, feeling stuck for words to describe a show about words. But – as is his wont – in Fry's Planet Word, Stephen Fry pretty much said it all. As he strapped on his crampons (lovely word, crampons) for an attempt at ascending a slippery and treacherous Tower of Babel, no adjective was left unturned in an unfettered celebration of the joy and diversity of human speech. It was easy to get swept out on Fry's sea of articulacy. Investigating how, in a mere fifty thousand years, humans have progressed from ugs and growls to the flowering of hundreds of languages, he hopped from monkeys to Klingons, psycholinguists to simultaneous translators, as he indulged a lifelong passion for the endless inventiveness of language. "It's what I treasure above all else," declared the grown-up Fry, echoing his rather more excitable self, glimpsed in a clip from sketch show A Bit Of Fry & Laurie. "Language is my whore, my mistress. Language is a complimentary moist lemon-scented cleansing square" babbled Fry Junior. A thousand and one further definitions bubbled and erupted from a geyser in the full throes of self-gratification. There was a scientific side to all this wordplay, with a look at the development of speech skills in young children providing a thread of continuity. Hearing a lot of language when you are young and engaging in different kinds of linguistic experiences is crucial for the rest of your life, asserted one expert, which made you shudder for a generation being raised in front of the PlayStation. And who knows what the long-term reductive impact of one hundred and forty-character tweeting will be? Such ruminations have to wait for later in this diverting five-part series, though. For now, Fry had us in thrall to his ability to communicate how words have the ability to amuse, beguile and delight. Language is a gift that is integral to the very nature of being human, so we should take the time to stop and celebrate it. Go on, treat yourself to something polysyllabic.' Keith Watson, dear blog reader, consistently the best TV reviewer in the British press.

Strictly Come Dancing is reportedly 'at the centre of a betting scandal.' Mind you, this is all according to the Daily Lies so, it's probably not true. Alesha Dixon, who won the show in 2007, allegedly revealed that a producer working on the series won a four-figure sum by betting on her to win. BBC guidelines forbid employees to gamble in such a way and Section Forty Two of the 2005 Gambling Act makes it illegal to bet on an event that you can influence the outcome of - although it's unclear how senior the producer was or exactly how he could 'influence' a public vote. Dixon told the Daily Lies Sunday: 'I was twenty five to one when it started and at the end of the series one of the producers came up to me and thanked me for just winning him eight thousand pounds.' She was unaware that it was wrong, but TV watchdog Mediawatch immediately got its snout in the trough and demanded - demanded, I say - that the BBC launch a full investigation. I'm not sure that Mediawatch are actually in a position to demand that the BBC so much as acknowledge their frigging existence but, bless 'em for trying. Mediawatch director Vivienne Pattison - a dreadful fraction of a woman who always seemingly manages to elbow he worthless views into the public arena whenever the mood appears to take her - said: 'Viewers don't want to feel like they are being hard done by or taken advantage of.' Well, thank you for speaking on behalf of all viewers Vivienne. I take it that you did contact all of us and ask our views before you elected yourself our spokesperson? I mean, I'm sure I got the memo and have just forgotten about it. 'I would hope the BBC launches a full investigation into this as it has a duty to us the licence payer.' I'm a licence fee payer, Ms Pattison and I'd just like to let you know that you do not speak for me - or, indeed, for anyone I know - on any subject. I can do that for myself without your help, thank you very much. A Metropolitan Police spokesman added that any complaint regarding cheating in relation to gambling would be 'stringently investigated to the full extent of the law.' What, you mean just like you stringently investigated the phone-hacking scandal in 2008 and 2009, you mean? Oh, that'll be good. A BBC spokesperson insisted that all staff are expected to comply with the corporation's standards on fairness and impartiality. The producer could potentially face a prison sentence of up to two years if charged and found guilty. The Daily Lies then quote an alleged 'source' who, they claim, said: 'This is a disaster for show bosses. It's an embarrassment for everyone involved. There are strict guidelines forbidding staff on the show from voting during the competition or placing bets on it. The incident happened a while ago and the production team has changed significantly since then. But the claims are still damaging and heads could roll.' Presumably, this is a one of those nameless 'sources' that the Daily Lies regularly claim to have. Like the one who, for instance, in 2003 suggested that Holly Valance was in discussions to take over as the lead on Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Or the 'BBC insider' they claimed gave them some juicy quotes when they managed to misunderstand a Gareth Roberts joke and suggest that Lady GaGa was being lined-up to appear in Doctor Who? One of those sorts of 'sources', was it?

The mother of X Factor contestant Kitty Brucknell has threatened to pull her daughter from the show. Mary Edwards claims that the singer, who clashed with Honey Shazab on this week's show, has been 'misrepresented' during the competition and fears that she is being turned into 'panto villain.' Oh no she isn't. Sorry. I could never resist the obvious. Anyway: 'It's very distressing to see Kitty being put under so much pressure and getting upset,' Edwards told the Sunday Mirra. Well, you know, I'm sure your daughter knew exactly what she was letting herself in for when she signed up for the show in the hope of riches beyond the dreams of avarice, Mary? And, if she didn't, then you've got to wonder what she's been watching for the last six or seven years. 'If something happens and it looks like it's getting too much for her I will not hesitate to tell her enough is enough because it's unfair to let her keep suffering. I am really ­worried that the show is ­sensationalising things and it's getting out of hand. On the show she has been made to look something she's not. Kitty's being turned into a pantomime villain. She's being portrayed as a monster and it's not fair. If she does get to the live shows no-one will vote for her at this rate. Some acts were very nasty to Kitty and picked on her from day one at Boot Camp. She'd call me up in tears saying she wanted to come home. It was schoolyard bullying and other contestants kept making jokes about her being a diva and being fame-hungry.' Oh dear. How sad. Brucknell's rivals apparently compared her to last year's X Factor contestant Katie Waissel and she, allegedly, later threatened to 'throw herself off a cliff' at the hotel. In scenes cut from this weekend's show, Brucknell is said to have cried shortly before her final Boot Camp performance after discovering the flashing lights on her two thousand pound outfit had run out of batteries. Which, I'm sure all dear blog readers will agree is both tragic and, at the same time, pee-in-yer-own-pants funny. Often at the same time. Fellow contestant Shazad also accused Kitty of 'flashing her breasts.' One imagines they won't be showing that on Saturday primetime either.

Good old mad-as-effing-toast Boris Johnson has waded into a row over a BBC move to use 'religiously neutral' terms instead of BC or AD to avoid offending non-Christians, arguing that this represents the 'advance of pointless political correctness.' Writing in the Daily Torygraph, the mayor of London - who, let's remember, has plenty to thank the BBC for as his regular appearances on Have I Got News For You demonstrate - 'hit out' at the BBC's 'puerile and absurd' decision to use modern phrases 'Common Era' and 'Before Common Era' rather than 'Anno Domini' and 'Before Christ.' Johnson said that the BBC's position as a state-funded broadcaster means that the public should be consulted before it 'makes a decision of immense cultural importance, a decision that affects the way we will ask our children to think about the history of our civilisation.' He is, of course, always assuming that the vast majority of the public actually give a shit one way or the other since it's not something that's likely to crop up as an issue on X Factor any time soon. He accepted that there is 'perplexity' around the actual date of Christ's birth, while 'there will always be some who doubt that Jesus of Nazareth ever existed.' However, Johnson added: 'It now turns out that some BBC committee or hierarch has decided that this nativity – notional or otherwise - can no longer be referred to by our state-funded broadcaster, in identifying whether a year is before or after the, ahem, cough, event in question. We are asked to call the years-before-the-event-we-cannot-mention BCE, or Before Common Era, and the years-after-the-event-we-cannot-mention Common Era, or CE. You should not underestimate the influence of this verdict. What the BBC decides, all kinds of other publishers and broadcasters will decide to follow. Schools will snap into line, and if people protest they will be told that they are following best practice - it's what the BBC does, after all.' I think you might, actually, be giving the BBC far too much persuasion power there Boris. After all, if they could do that then I'm pretty sure they could've got the voters of London not to elect an old Etonian plonker with the oratory skills of a confused sloth. The beginning of the so-called 'Common Era' is dated from the same point as the Gregorian Christian calendar, but removes any mention of the birth of Jesus. BC and BCE have already gained acceptance within the BBC, with shows such as University Challenge and Radio 4's In Our Time among those to have used the terms. Johnson, who fronted also a programme on the Roman Empire for the broadcaster, said: 'The BBC needs to stop spending time and money on this sort of footling political correctness. Someone needs to get out down the corridor and find the individual who passed this edict and give him or her a figurative kick in the pants. I know it sounds like a trivial thing to get worked up about, but one trivial thing leads to another. I urge all readers to get out their Basildon Bond and hit the e-mails - to Mark Thompson and Lord Patten. Let's fight this Beeb drivel now.' I love the mixed-metaphor of anyone trying to write e-mails on Basilon Bond. That's classic Boris. Utter drivel. The BBC's religious and ethics department said in a statement: 'As the BBC is committed to impartiality it is appropriate that we use terms that do not offend or alienate non-Christians. In line with modern practice, BCE/CE are used as a religiously neutral alternative to BC/AD.' It's also worth remembering that the BBC as a body which is funded by every tax payer in this country has a duty to at least attempt to represent all of those. Not just the Tory ones. A spokeswoman for the corporation added that individual BBC programmes are free to choose which terms are used. Andrew Marr said on his BBC1 show yesterday that he will continue to use the traditional date descriptions.
News International is facing fresh phone-hacking controversies after a series of claims and counter-claims involving half-a-dozen figures including the late Jade Goody, Alastair Campbell and two of the most senior former staff of the Scum of the World surfaced at the end of last week. In just a few hours on Friday, it emerged the media group was facing five court actions including a possible hearing in the US targeting Rupert Murdoch and his son James, plus allegations that the Sunday tabloid may have hacked Goody's phone while she was dying of cancer. One of the most damaging revelations was a claim that the former deputy editor of the now defunct, disgraced and disgraceful tabloid had secretly received twenty five thousand smackers from News International for 'crime exclusives' while working as a PR consultant for Scotland Yard. The details of the payments emerged in billing records obtained by detectives investigating the phone-hacking scandal at the Scum of the World. The former newspaper executive Neil Wallis received the money in 2009 and 2010 when his PR firm - Chamy Media - had a two-day-a-month contract to work as consultants for Scotland Yard, according to an investigation by the Daily Torygraph. One story reputedly earned him a single payment of ten grand. One of the stories he was paid for was about a suspected assassination attempt on the Pope during his visit to the UK last year, according to the Torygraph. A spokesman for Scotland Yard declined to comment, other than to say that its contract with Chamy Media 'had a confidentiality clause, a data protection act clause and a conflict of interest clause within it.' A spokesman added that Wallis did 'not have access' to the Met's IT systems. The revelations will raise new questions about conflicts of interest in public office. Last month, it emerged that Andy Coulson, the former editor of the Scum of the World, continued to receive payments from News International as part of a severance deal after he was employed by the Tory party as its director of communications. Coulson, who quit the Scum of the World in 2007 after the paper's then royal editor, Clive Goodman, was jailed for phone-hacking offences, on Friday launched his own legal action against his former employer. He is suing for 'breach of contract' after the company notified his solicitors that it was no longer going to fund his legal defence. It is believed this was communicated to Coulson's law firm as recently as August. That Coulson's fees were being paid four years after he quit as editor will surprise many. He resigned as David Cameron's press chief in January and was arrested in July as the phone-hacking scandal deepened, with allegations that the Scum of the World had hacked into murder victim Milly Dowler's phone. Pressure on News International continued to pile up on Friday as it emerged that the Met is to be asked to investigate allegations that reality TV regular Jade Goody's phone was hacked while she was dying of cancer. It is understood Charlotte Harris, the Mishcon de Reya lawyer representing several phone-hacking claimants, has been asked to represent Goody's family and to go to the Met with the allegations made by Goody's mother, Jackiey Budden. Budden believes both her own phone and her daughter's were hacked, but did nothing about it until July this year when she read about murder victim Milly Dowler's phone messages being intercepted by the Scum of the World. She claims that she could not understand how journalists were getting information and, when she read the Dowler story, believed it could have been through phone-hacking. 'She will be going to the police. She believes her phone was hacked by the News of the World, and Jade's. Jade told me, "I'm convinced my phone is being hacked,"' said Max Clifford, who handled Goody's PR after she was diagnosed with cervical cancer in August 2008. The solicitor who represented the Dowlers in their phone-hacking claims upped the ante significantly on Friday when he announced that he had teamed with US lawyers with a view to initiating proceedings targeting Rupert Murdoch and his son James. Mark Lewis of Taylor Hampton has instructed Norman Siegel, a New York-based lawyer who represents twenty 9/11 families, to seek witness statements from News Corp and its directors, including Rupert and James Murdoch, in relation to allegations that Scum of the World staff may have bribed police. 'The allegations of phone hacking and bribery against News Corporation are serious and substantial, and we will approach this initial exploration with that same seriousness,' Siegel said. The legal action was just one of five that have piled up against the Murdoch operation in the past few days. Also suing News International is Tony Blair's former director of communications Alastair Campbell, who is alleging his phone was hacked by the Scum of the World. His solicitor, Gerald Shamash, confirmed that he had just begun legal proceedings on behalf of Campbell and two others – the agent of George Best, the football superstar who died in 2005, and Elliot Morley, the former Labour MP jailed for expenses fraud. News International refused to comment on any of the developments, but said that it was 'co-operating fully' with all police investigations.

Katie Holmes is, reportedly, to have a cameo in the Halloween special of the US sitcom How I Met Your Mother as a 'slutty pumpkin.' The mind positively boggles.

Downton Abbey's Laura Carmichael has described the BBC as 'mad' for scheduling [spooks] against the ITV hit. Oh, for Christ's sake, not another amateur who reckons they'd make a great scheduler? The actress, who plays Lady Edith Crawley in the period drama, admitted that she is a fan of the long-running spy show, which was switched from Mondays to Sundays for the latest series. The clash saw Downton Abbey return for its second series with nearly nine million viewers last Sunday, while [spooks] was watched by 4.62m on BBC2. Carmichael told the Sun: 'I've always loved [spooks] - I think they're mad to put the shows on at the same time.' So, actually this is all self-interest and nothing whatsoever to do with how the Great Unwashed might be affected. And, once again, we must remind a TV professional (I'm assuming Laura does get paid for her acting) of how television actually works. Everything has to have something scheduled against it, Laura m'love. Unless you were expecting the BBC to shut down the network for the hour that Downton Abbey is on. (Not an entirely ridiculous notion since, it seems, that was what Simon Cowell - in all seriousness - wanted them to do whenever X Factor and Britain's Got Talent were on.) It just so happens that what they've chosen to put on opposite your show is something you like. Tough. Nine million people watch Downton Abbey each week. That's a great figure and it's a great show but it does mean that fifty two million people don't watch it. What the BBC have chosen to do is put on something that some of those fifty two million might prefer instead of a costume drama. It's a calculated risk - all TV scheduling is that - but it's also something they'd be, in your words 'mad' not to at least try. As noted above, you might not know this but, these days they actually have bits of technology that can record TV programmes whilst you watch another one so that you can watch both. I know, it's a miracle, isn't it? Or, there's also a way you can watch TV programmes on your computer. Although if you're thinking of doing this, dear blog reader, then it might be an idea to watch ITV and catch up with the BBC show later as ITV's computer-based video on demand system seems to be having a few problems of late. God save us all from armchair TV schedulers. Speaking of Downton's success, she added: 'I'm lucky to be part of it. I think it's great to have a period drama with original storylines as opposed to a book that everyone knows. That has intrigued people.' The show won four Emmy Awards at this year's ceremony and the cast is currently filming a Christmas special. A BBC spokesperson recently played down the clash, saying: 'Downton and [spooks] are very different shows and offer a real alternative for audiences. This is the last ever series of [spooks] and we wanted to celebrate this and make it a special event for viewers in the Sunday 9pm slot.'

The great Alex Kingston is to join the cast of Upstairs Downstairs when the BBC costume drama returns next year. The former ER star, recently seen in the BBC's Doctor Who, will play Blanche Mottershead, the younger sister of Dame Eileen Atkins' character Lady Holland. 'I simply couldn't resist the opportunity to get inside the iconic 165 Eaton Place,' said Kingston. Her casting follows Dame Eileen's announcement that she would not be returning for the next series. The seventy seven-year-old conceived the idea for the original 1970s series with fellow actress Jean Marsh but did not appear in it prior to its revival last year. The new series, which begins shooting in October, will begin in 1938 and span the months leading up to the outbreak of World War II. 'Outside 165 Eaton Place, London and Europe are poised on the knife-edge of calamity,' said writer Heidi Thomas. 'Inside, there's a whole world of dark and dangerous emotions to explore. Heidi really has created a wonderfully, intriguing character in Blanche who will over time reveal some secrets of her own,' said Kingston. Veteran actor Kenneth Cranham - a particular favourite of yer actual Keith Telly Topping over many years - will also join the cast of the BBC1 drama.

Channel Four's Mary Portas: Secret Shopper has been criticised by media regulator Ofcom for its 'unfair treatment' of a sofa store chain. Broadcast on 26 January, an episode of the show featured the alleged 'retail guru' Portas working with sofa chain CSL supposedly to 'improve' its customer service. Portas claimed that she had contacted six retailers but only CSL 'had the balls' to respond. The programme featured secretly filmed footage of other sofa stores, including A Share & Sons, which has ninety seven outlets across the UK. Portas said that she was given 'poor advice' by the store's staff, but also suggested that she was encouraged to lie in order to make an insurance claim. After expressing an interest in a sofa supposedly for her son's accommodation at university and inquiring about insurance cover, Portas asked: 'Every week you can drop a stain on it, and it's covered?' An ScS sales assistant: 'Yeah, they'll come out and clean it.' Portas: 'Even if he's been negligent, a bit of a twit drinking away?' The Sales assistant replied 'All he's got to say is, it was an accident, but I never told you that, though.' Marie Matheson, a director at SCS, complained to Ofcom that her company was treated unfairly by the programme and that its privacy had been 'unwarrantably infringed.' She was also concerned over the use of unobscured footage of store manager Neil Heffernan in the sequence. Channel Four defended its right to use secretly filmed footage as 'poor customer service' was 'in the public interest.' The broadcaster also said that 'nothing in the programme suggested that ScS, as a company, encouraged insurance fraud.' However, Ofcom opted to uphold the complaint in part after finding that ScS had been the victim of unfair treatment in the show. Ofcom said that it was not fair to say ScS did not have 'the balls' to participate in the programme, as there was 'no evidence' to suggest that it had been offered such an opportunity. The regulator said that the use of secretly filmed footage to suggest that the company encouraged insurance fraud was 'not fair or justified, as the sales assistant was accurate in his description of the insurance cover offered.' It also criticised the programme's decision not to give an 'appropriate and timely opportunity' for ScS to respond to the allegation about insurance fraud. However, Ofcom said that there was justification to use secret filming to expose poor levels of customer service as ScS, while it was also fair to show unobscured footage of Heffernan.

'Red-faced television bosses' are 'in talks' after both the BBC and ITV commissioned separate romantic dramas with the same title - Love Life. The BBC show, which has a cast including former Doctor Who David Tennant, Billie Piper and David Morrissey is billed as 'five original, provocative love stories.' The ITV Love Life is set in Manchester and described by the channel as a 'three-part drama about love, romance, family and babies.' It is understood that BBC and ITV are in talks to resolve the problem with one possibility being that one of the shows is renamed. The cast for the ITV version has not been announced yet but it is written by Bill Gallagher who wrote the hit series Lark Rise to Candleford and will start filming in October. ITV's director of drama commissioning Laura Mackie said: 'Love Life is a tender and funny story about grown-ups who refuse to grow up. We're delighted with Bill's scripts as they are warm, romantic and comic as he analyses how good people come to terms with the trials of love. We're delighted to commission Love Life for ITV viewers.' The writer of the BBC show, Dominic Savage, said the five linked episodes were 'a modern view on the age old mystery of love.'

Daybreak host Christine Bleakley has reportedly signed up to front new ITV series Guess the Star. So, that'll be worth avoiding then.

Comedian Rory McGrath is to reveal 'what makes Britain tick' by digging up pub gardens across the country. Pub Dig will excavate historic alehouses for Channel Five and the History channel. The four part series will be produced by Oxford Scientific Films. McGrath will feature alongside archaeologist and Time Team pottery expert Paul Blinkhorn who will oversee the searches beneath various British pubs to uncover what the producers claim makes Britain tick. 'With their team of experts and noisy excavator machines, they will dig up our favorite beer gardens and pub car parks to reveal the juiciest stories from our past,' said a statement from the producers. Scheduled for transmission on History in November 2011, Pub Dig will subsequently be rebroadcast on Channel Five in April 2012. The first programme begins at the Six Bells pub in St Albans where the team will be seen unearthing a Roman building under the pub's foundations. Rachel Job, head of acquisitions and commissioning at the History and Military History channels, said: 'We're always on the look out for slightly unconventional ways to attack history and when Oxford Scientific Films came to us with this first-rate accessible archaeology format we couldn't wait to get digging.'

Among those touched by the death of Red Rum trainer Ginger McCain last week was comedian Lee Mack – as his first job after being kicked out of college was at McCain's stables. 'I wanted to be a jockey,' Lee said. 'I knew Ginger McCain worked in Southport, so I rang him and I told him that I wanted to race horses. He told me to come down and it went from there. I was basically the YTS boy – cleaning up Red Rum's mess. I couldn't have been any further down the hierarchy. It was just great to be in his presence.'

Starring Robert Lindsay, Darren Boyd and Pulling's Rebekah Staton, Sky's latest original comedy, Spy, launches next month. 'Thirty-something Tim (played by Boyd) has reached a crossroads,' notes the pre-publciity blurb. 'Not only is he stuck in a dead-end job at Computer Universe, but he’s locked in a custody battle with nice-as-nettles ex-wife Judith (Dolly Wells) over son Marcus (Jude Wright), an utterly precocious nine-year-old who is as happy spending time with his dad as a PETA member would be modeling fur coats. Tim's world is shaken, and most definitely stirred, however, when he's accidentally recruited as a trainee spy for MI5, going from zero to hero. Well, sort of.' Created and written by Simeon Goulden (Secret Diary of a Call Girl), Spy begins at 8.30 on Friday 14 October on Sky One.

Terry O'Quinn has said that he is always looking for an opportunity to reunite on screen with his fellow Lost star Michael Emerson. The two actors were due to work together on a new project called Odd Jobs for NBC about two retired Black Ops agents, but the series has yet to materialise. 'I was actually looking to do a series after Lost,' O'Quinn explained to Entertainment Weekly. 'Michael and I fiddled around with one and we sort of got through the process of generating some interest in it, and we just didn't come up with a script that everyone agreed on.' Despite work on Odd Jobs being halted at present, O'Quinn added that he is always looking for opportunities to work with the former Lost villain. 'Michael and I stay in touch, we still talk about that,' he revealed. 'Maybe we'll make it happen before we get too creaky. I would love to have at least one more good experience like Lost.' O'Quinn recently signed on for a recurring role on CBS crime drama Hawaii Five-0 as a Navy Seal Lieutenant Commander alongside another ex-Lost castmate, Daniel Dae Kim.

A huge steel mural of Billy Connolly is being created at a housing development in Glasgow. Acclaimed artist Andy Scott is moulding the twenty feet by sixteen feet structure which will hang from a wall at the Sanctuary Scotland development in Anderston. The housing association decided to honour the comedian as he was born in Anderston. The Billy mural will overlook the expressway and the shipyards where the comic once worked as a welder. The mural is going on the gable end of Phase One of Sanctuary Scotland's fifty million quid regeneration of Anderston. Scott's work includes the heavy horse sculpture on the M8 and the thirty three feet mermaid on the A80 at Cumbernauld. To date, the artist has created more than seventy public sculpture and architectural commissions. His work is also on display in Belfast, Spain and Australia. The mural is due to be erected by the end of the year.

For today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day here's one of the great live performances ever captured on celluloid. A potent mixture of Talking Heads, Jonathan Demme and the Reverend Al Green. Tell 'em all about, David.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Revolution Starts At Closing Time

'Page one has an "exclusive" on Nina, a local girl who got kicked-off Britain's Got Talent. These [missing] people are on pages seven, nineteen and twenty two. Because no one's noticed yet, they're far too excited about Nina's emotional journey. Which, in fairness, is inspiring.' The Doctor's time is running out - literally as well as metaphorically - just in case you haven't been paying attention during the last eleven episodes. But there is, it seems, still time for him to pay one last social call. His first in a while, he confesses. So, he ends up in Colchester. It could be worse. Not much worse, admittedly. Following this, he's going to see the Alignment of Exidor, so that's quite a weekend he's got planned for himself, I'm sure you'll agree dear blog reader. It's nice to get out at the weekend. See some friends. Have a laugh. Defeat the Cybermen. Someone else who has something for the weekend - allegedly - is the Time Lord's old friend Craig Owens. He's been left alone for a couple of days whilst his wife, the lovely Sophie, spends some much-needed time relaxing with friends. ('You don't have to label food.') Craig insists that he doesn't need anyone's help in caring for their new baby, Alfie, for a couple of days. He does this, just as the Doctor arrives on his doorstep for his unexpected visit. Meanwhile, at a local department store, unexplained power fluctuations keep on occurring and store supervisor Shona stumbles across something very nasty in the changing rooms. No, not a fat lass with her zip stuck up the back but, rather, a Cyberman. Bloody annoying Mondasians. If you damage that, you have to pay for it.

'Stop noticing! Just go!' Craig - inevitably, since he's played by bloody James Corden - is worried about his skills as a father. He's concerned that he can't cope on his own with Alfie (or 'Stormageddon - Dark Lord of All' as The Doctor alleges the baby prefers to be called) and, generally, that he's not much cop at pretty much anything. 'I am rubbish at this!' Which, dear blog readers may consider to be a pretty accurate little summation of James Corden's entire career. Or not, as the case may be. I'll leave the answer to that one up to you. He is also absolutely certain that the Doctor's presence is a terrible sign of oncoming shenanigans and wicked malarkey, but The Doctor himself insists that he's simply making a social call on his 'farewell tour.' Which, one might consider to be ominous enough in and of itself. There's some charmingly daft comedy dialogue (including a witty little rewrite a famous Patrick Troughton line from The Three Doctors: 'You've redecorated. I don't like it.' 'It's a different house, we've moved!') Leaving Craig's - new - house, The Doctor is determined not to notice a flickering street light close by and he also refuses to acknowledge the apparent teleport energy which is detected, big-style, by his sonic screwdriver. He's definitely not sticking around.

Of course, we wouldn't have much of an episode if he stuck to the not-sticking-around plan so, soon enough, Closing Time continues with The Doctor now working in the same department store where poor Shona earlier disappeared, having found himself a job in the toy department. Which, it would seem, he's really rather good at. We first see him gleefully demonstrating a remote control helicopter to some vastly impressed children. 'Only forty nine, ninety nine. Which I, personally, think is a bit steep. But, then again, it's your parents cash, they'd only waste it on boring stuff. Like lamps and vegetables!' Just then, a very tired Craig - who's been up all night with the baby - bumps into The Doctor again. Craig is convinced that his friend is investigating something 'dangerous and alien.' And, as if it was part of a rather fine Gareth Roberts script, just at that moment The Doctor notices something small and silver speeding by on the floor. The Doctor reluctantly tells a badgering Craig that the recent electrical fluctuations have coincided with three people going missing from the shop. And there's much more - someone has been using a 'beam-me-up Star Trek teleport' somewhere nearby. Getting into a supposedly Out Of Order lift, the Doctor and Craig find themselves (briefly) transported to somewhere else, and - despite The Doctor's (frankly rather slutty) amorous advances to take his friend's attention away from the Cyerbman looming behind him - Craig soon realises that they're on board an alien spaceship, filled with big and stompy metal creatures. The fact that he doesn't recognise them but does quote the 'beam me up' thing, of course, indicates that he's a Star Trek fan but not a Doctor Who one. Yet another reason, if any further reasons were specifically needed, to adopt a zero-tolerance policy towards James Corden and all his doings. For pretty much everything. 'Do I look like I'm stupid?' Craig asks. Alfie makes a gurgling noise and The Doctor (who, of course, 'speaks baby') laughs and then admonishes the child with a petulant 'quiet, Stormy!'

Anyway, back to the plot. 'Doctor, are you going to kiss me?' 'Yes, I am. I'm a bit out of practice but I've had some wonderful feedback!' The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to fuse the teleport relay shut and the pair (and, we have to presume, Stormaggedon) are then safely returned to the lift from whence they came. The Doctor and Craig decide to investigate further. Never a wise move. The Doctor appears to be very popular with his new colleague. 'They gave me a badge with my name on it in case I forget who I am. Very thoughtful as that does happen.' He stops to have a chat with Val on the perfume counter (the great Lynda Baron), who gives him plenty of in-store gossip about who's been seen secretly snogging whom outside The Conservative Club on their 'so-called day off golfing.' The Doctor soon gets rather bored with such title-tattle and starts to leave until Val adds, helpfully, 'And then there's the silver rat thing.' Tragically, Craig's own attempts at undercover covert investigations in the ladies underwear section is more Father Ted than Columbo and sees him branded 'a pervert' and facing the fury of the shop's big hard security guard George. With his nice uniform. The Doctor, fortunately, is able to charm George and salesgirl Kelly, but the latter is still annoyed - she's had to work a double shift since Shona failed to turn up for work. 'Where did you last see her?' asks the Doctor casually. As you do.

The Doctor and Craig are soon exploring the changing rooms like a right pair of wannabe Sherlock and John's. One wonders if Craig's a fan of that or whether he consider's Moffat and Gatiss's gay agenda to be off-putting like half-a-dozen shit-for-brains glakes on an Internet forum somewhere near you, dear blog reader? Perhaps we'll never care. 'Right here, last night, a Cyberman took Shona,' The Doctor notes, as much for Craig's sake as for the audience who had already kind of figured that out. He goes on to explain that the Cybermen use the Cybermats as 'infiltrators' to collect power - explaining the power fluctuations which have been occurring. The Doctor wants to wait until the shop is closed to try and capture one of the creatures. And, it's around this point, when The Doctor and Craig have a rather serious little talk about universal truths ('I know where is safest for me, and Alfie. Right next to you. You always win', 'Those were the days') that Closing Time threatens, for the first time, to turn from a mildly-diverting (and, pretty amusing, let's be fair) little piece of comedy hokum into something just a shade more serious. More concerned. 'All right. Maybe those days aren't quite over yet.'
For instance, we get a cunning explanation of why - apart, obviously, for companionship - The Doctor takes humans with him on his travels. (And, as it turns out, it's actually rather self-serving.) And, then there's the gay agenda! 'There's no need to be coy these days.' Annoyed at nearly getting arrested for his Are You Being Served?-style messing around in ladies undies, Craig doesn't believe that his second encounter with aliens in Colchester is unrelated to the Doctor's return. As he flounces off in a strop with Alfie, The Doctor insists that it's all 'just a coincidence.' And, speaking of unexpected coincidences, just at this point The Doctor is gobsmacked like a good'un when he spots his recently-departed companions Amy and Rory in the store. (Thus explaining exactly why Karen Gillan and Arthur Darvill are on the title credits this week.) In the episode's most genuinely beautiful and touching scene, he is about to call out to them when he thinks better of it and he watches, hidden in the shadows, as a young girl asks for Amy's autograph. Since leaving the TARDIS, it appears, Mrs Williams-Pond has become a famous model, advertising a perfume 'for the girl who's tired of waiting.' The look on The Doctor's face as they depart, never even knowing he was there, is a combination of great pride and terrible sadness. It's one of Matt Smith's finest moments in the role as he, wordlessly, gives the audience an inkling into both the good things in The Doctor's life and the heartbreak that goes along with his longevity.
Later that evening, Craig and the Doctor return the shop and, eventually, capture the Cybermat. Which Craig considers 'cute' until it opens its mouth. Meanwhile, deep in the bowels of the store, security guard George is captured and killed by a Cyberman. Followed, soon afterwards, by The Doctor getting himself chopped during an aborted - and pretty rubbish - rescue attempt. A woozy Doctor is eventually brought back to consciousness by Craig - he notes that he survived the Cyberman's attack because the creature was 'imperfect', built from spare parts. 'Everything I find out makes less sense,' laments The Doctor woefully. Craig suggests heading back to base ('you've got a base? When did you get a base?!'). And then, after revealing that he actually meant his house, he has to go out for milk, leaving the Doctor along with Alfie. 'Stop crying, you've got a lot to look forward to, you know. A normal human life on earth. Mortgage repayments. The nine-to-five. A persistent nagging sense of spiritual emptiness. Save the tears for later!' But, they are not alone. The Cybermat has come to life. 'Alfie. Why is there a sinister beeping coming from behind me?' The Doctor tries to disable it with his sonic screwdriver - the Cybermat, that is, not Alfie - but doesn't succeed. Running out of the house with Alfie, locking the glass door behind him, The Doctor carelessly drops his screwdriver. Meanwhile, an oblivious Craig returns home with the milk. Craig is attacked by the Cybermat, so the Doctor makes a dramatic leap though the glass door to save him - just as Murray Gold's music gets all dramatic and discombobulating - and, using an ingenious combination of a saucepan, a baking tray and the sonic screwdriver he destroys the nasty alien rat.

The Cybermat has, it turns out, been transmitting power to the Cyberman ship, but the Doctor plans to reprogramme it. However, the weary Time Lord has a genuine crisis of confidence, tiring of putting people in danger. Just as he'd earlier expressed his anger at the ageing process to Alfie, so The Doctor makes a confession to Craig - that his time is running out and that tomorrow is the day when he will die. 'I don't even know what The Question is. I always knew I'd die still asking.' It's yet another great, world-weary moment from Smith who is, genuinely, touching and brilliant in this episode. But, of course, Craig isn't listening - he's exhausted and has fallen asleep. Reactivating the Cybermat in 'safe mode,' the Doctor returns to the shop one his own to defeat the Cybermen, but Craig soon wakes and goes after him, Leaving Alfie with Val up on the perfume counter. Realising that the Cybermen have a back entrance to the store, the Doctor discovers a tunnel leading from the changing rooms to their lair. 'You have come to us.' 'Took me a while. Had a lot on my mind!' Confronting the Cyber-Leader, the Doctor comes to a sudden, and enlightening, realisation - the Cybermen's ship crashed on Earth centuries ago, lying dormant until humanity put in new electricity cables on top of it. The Cybermat began draining the power, but his silver nemesises still don't have enough power or parts to launch a full invasion. The Cybermen capture the Doctor, but Craig arrives in the nick of time, attempting to confuse the monsters with a price-scanner. Of course, his plan utterly fails - he's James Corden, what the hell did you expect? And the Doctor's own scheme to have the reprogrammed Cybermat drain the Cybermen's power also comes a cropper - the creature is crushed under a steel boot.

Closing Time's denouement is fast, furious, witty, lush and contains a fantastic central conceit that's just about as funny as anything the programme has ever come up with in nearly forty eight years of trying. The Cybermen plan to convert Craig into their new Cyber-Controller. I know, it's hilarious. The Doctor can only watch, helplessly, as his friend's humanity drains away - although anybody who's ever watched A League Of Their Own might, charitably, question exactly how much 'humanity' James Corden actually possesses in the first place. But just then, Alfie starts to cry and the moment Craig hears his son sobbing, in an echo of Night Terrors two weeks ago, his emotions dramatically return. The conversion process is reversed and The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to overload the Cybermen with emotion. Just like he did in The Next Doctor. The monsters explode and their base is destroyed around them. Again, a message that Doctor Who has explored hugely over the last few years - that family ties are the ties that truly bind and can defeat the plans of the worst space monsters one can imagine - is brought out for an encore lap of the track. It could've been dreadful. But, actually, it isn't. It's really rather sweet and honest. It feels right. Cynics won't like it, of course, and there are plenty of those around these days. But, ultimately, this is a TV show which has a single underlying message. Trust in other people and you'll be all right. It's the polar opposite of Britain's Got Talent and The X Factor both of which, for better or worse, are about me, me, me, me, me. It's a necessary difference. A proper difference. And, it's probably the reason - habit aside - why this blogger will still be watching Doctor Who the Saturday before I die.

So, The Doctor and Craig are reunited with Alfie. Craig is convinced that he blew up the Cybermen with 'love,' and though the Doctor tries to explain that this is 'impossible, and also grossly sentimental and over-simplistic,' he eventually gives in halfway through his proper scientific explanation. 'Yeah, love,' he tells his friend. The Doctor soon vanishes. Craig returns home, but the Time Lord hasn't quite gone yet - he's used the last few hours to tidy up Craig's house, a final favour for his friend. But then it really is time to depart - The Doctor announces that he's got an unmissable appointment in America and takes some of Sophie's blue envelopes with him. Before he leaves, Craig gives the Doctor a leaving present - a stetson hat. Moments later, Sophie returns home, blissfully ignorant of what has occurred, until Alfie says his first word. 'Doctor.' Hands up who'd like to see Gareth Roberts write all of James Corden's dialogue? I mean, in life not just on TV.

And then, in the last three minutes, the story changes completely. The Doctor heads back to the TARDIS, ready for one last trip, and is spotted by three children. 'I'm the Doctor,' he tells them. 'I was here to help. And you are very, very welcome.' A very long time later and in a galaxy far, far away River Song is reading the children's grown-up recollections of the strange man in the stetson. River's research is interrupted by Madame Kovarian, who appears flanked by The Silence. River has a date in her diary - The Doctor's death at Lake Silencio - but she is convinced that the Time Lord's death at the hands of The Impossible Astronaut is 'just a story.' However, River is kidnapped by Kovarian and forced into the space suit. 'Tick tock goes the clock, 'til River kills the Doctor.'
Twelve out of thirteen. All that's left, dear blog reader, as so often in life is a wedding. And a funeral.

For yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 33 of the Day, the reason this review is later than From The North's Doctor Who episode reviews usually get posted is because yer actual Keith Telly Topping was enjoying a very civilised family-get-together-type-affair thing on Saturday evening. Was Serious Drinking involved, I hear you bellow? No. Not really. But they are now.