Rejection Is One Thing, But Rejection From A Fool Is Cruel

It is a sign, no doubt, of the success of your television show when people begin to confuse you with the character you play. All well and good, one might imagine, unless you happen to be luscious pouting Billie Piper, star of four series of ITV2's The Secret Diary of a Call Girl, that is. 'When I moved to the country, people thought I was a genuine prostitute. It happens all the time,' she told Graham Norton on his BBC1 chat show, according to the Daily Torygraph - the very newspaper one suspects, most read by those who confuse the Billster with her Belle De Jour character. But, it gets worse, it would seem. Bill's infamy has spread abroad: 'It happened recently in America, where they tend to introduce people with a little autobiography, and I was introduced as "the prostitute,"' she added. Still, that would seem to be easier for people to understand than 'companion to this time-travelling chap who whizzes around the universe in a police box.' Or is it?

Celebrity Big Brother returned to Channel Five with nearly 3.5 million sad, crushed victims of society on Thursday night, up on the last series but no match for the five million punters who watched its début on the network in 2011. The celebrity reality show, which drafted in former footballer Razor Ruddock as a last-minute replacement for the recently arrested Jim Davidson, had 3.48 million viewers from 9pm on Thursday. This was nearly four times up on the channel's slot average over the last three months. Celebrity Big Brother began on Channel Five with 5.1 million viewers in August 2011, after switching from Channel Four after ten years. The second series launched with 3.5 million viewers in January last year, dipping to 2.7 million for its third series in August 2011. This year's line-up for the reality show also includes jockey Frankie Dettori, The X Factor contestant Rylan Clark and former EastEnders actress Gillian Taylforth along with lots of people you'll never have heard of. Celebrity Big Brother gave Channel Five a rare victory over ITV, which could only manage 3.1 million viewers for the first of its two-part documentary, Trouble Abroad, between 9pm and 10pm. The reality show also beat the final part of BBC2 documentary Queen Victoria's Children, watched by 2.8 million viewers between 9pm and 10pm, and Channel Four's The Restoration Man, with 1.8 million viewers also between 9pm and 10pm. The 9pm slot was won by BBC1's DIY SOS: The Big Build, the Nick Knowles show watched by 4.5 million viewers. But with only one other show rating above one million, spin-off Celebrity Big Brother's Bit on the Side, watched by 1.2 million viewers between 11pm and midnight, Channel Five's peaktime share of the audience failed to leapfrog either BBC2 or Channel Four. The network had a 6.7 per cent share of the audience between 6pm and 10.30pm, narrowly behind Channel Four's 6.8 per cent and BBC2's 9.6 per cent. BBC1 had 22.9 per cent of the peak audience, ahead of ITV's 17.9 per cent. Channel Four's Location Location Location returned for a new five-part series with 2.3 million viewers between 8pm and 9pm. It was gazumped by the final part of BBC2's Nature's Weirdest Events, with Chris Packham, watched by 3.1 million viewers including one hundred and fifty thousand on BBC HD. Channel Four documentary Billionaire Boy Racers, about super car drivers in West London, had 1.35 million viewers between 10pm and 11.05pm, BBC1's Waterloo Road pulled-in 3.9 million viewers between 8pm and 9pm, beaten by ITV's Emmerdale, with 6.6 million between 8pm and 8.30pm but ahead of the first episode of docusoap Nursing the Nation, also on ITV, with 3.1 million between 8.30pm and 9pm.

Unloved by many of the more up-their-own-arsehole TV critics it may be, but BBC1 sitcom Mrs Brown's Boys proved the unsung star attraction in the Christmas TV ratings war, watched by more viewers than tuned into Miranda, EastEnders or Downton Abbey when consolidated viewing figures are taken into account. An unlikely festive hit, not least because of creator Irish comedian Brendan O'Carroll's fondness for four-letter words which so gets on the Daily Scum Express's tit-end, the first of a two-part seasonal special had more than eleven million viewers on Christmas Eve, eclipsed over the festive period only by Strictly Come Dancing. Like My Family before it Mrs Brown's Boys pulls in big audiences for BBC1 despite being a turn-off with many critics. The sitcom, born out of a character created by O'Carroll twenty years ago for Irish radio, began with fewer than three million viewers when it first aired on BBC1 in 2011. One review, in Metro, described it as 'jaw-droppingly past its sell by date ... a seaside-postcard boarding-house nightmare that tossed off near-the-knuckle masturbation gags and sloppy sentiment in equal measure.' But ratings rapidly increased – that year's Christmas special was watched by six million viewers, and it won best sitcom at last year's BAFTA awards. The Christmas Eve episode had 11.7 million viewers, a 41.3 per cent share of the audience, according to the consolidated TV ratings published this week, despite going out at 10.15pm. The consolidated figures add timeshift viewing on personal video recorders such as Sky+ over seven days after first transmission to the overnight ratings. The second part of Mrs Brown's Boys, on Boxing Day, rated only slightly lower, with 10.7 million viewers. The Independent, while praising the skill it takes to write something as'"bold, ragged and wholly cherished,' previewed this year's Christmas special as 'Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, but more than ten times as crass and not as cerebral.' Fans of the show can now look to a big-screen adaptation due out in 2014. The consolidated TV figures for the festive period, from 21 December to 26 December, were topped by the Strictly Come Dancing final and its results show, both broadcast on 22 December, with 13.4 million viewers each. Along with the two editions of Mrs Brown's Boys, the top ten was made up by BBC1's Miranda, EastEnders, Call The Midwife, The Royle Family and Doctor Who and ITV's Coronation Street.

The new series of Yes, Prime Minister was made for a rival channel because the BBC asked its creators to make a pilot episode, it has emerged. Co-writer Jonathan Lynn said the BBC had been 'given first refusal' on the revival out of 'courtesy,' because it aired the award-winning original series. But, he called the request for a test episode 'extraordinary,' as 'there were thirty eight pilots available on DVD.' A very ignorant response from, seemingly, a very ignorant and up himself individual. The first new episodes for twenty five years will, instead, be broadcast on the digital channel Gold. Where it will have an audience of about four. Lynn told comedy website Chortle that the BBC 'said it was policy' to order a pilot episode before commissioning a full series. 'So we said our policy was to not write a pilot.' In response, the BBC said: 'Yes, Prime Minister was last on air twenty five years ago so it would not be unusual to ask for a pilot as clearly a lot of the elements, including the cast, would be different. UKTV was involved in the initiation and development of the project; the BBC decided not to broadcast a new series as it was felt a better use of resources to invest in new comedy, for example Mrs Brown's Boys and Miranda.' The BBC's in-house entertainment team was later commissioned to produce the new series by Gold. Yes, Minister and its sequel Yes, Prime Minister were both written and created by Lynn and Antony Jay, with the first episode broadcast in 1980. They portrayed the struggle between Paul Eddington, as Jim Hacker MP, and Nigel Hawthorne as his permanent secretary. Labour MP and ex-minister Gerald Kaufman once described the tales of double-dealing Whitehall mandarins and hapless politicians as 'chillingly accurate.' It was also said to be Baroness Thatcher's favourite television programme. The new series was filmed last summer and is based on a recent stage production, which launched in 2010. Gold said Hacker would return as the leader of a coalition government, with plots focussing on the economic crisis, a leadership crisis with his coalition partners and a Scottish independence referendum. David Haig will take the lead role, with Henry Goodman as Sir Humphrey. Both have appeared in the stage version of the show. They will be joined by Dame Maggie Smith's son, Chris Larkin, as Bernard Woolley, and Robbie Coltrane.

Britain's fourth biggest supermarket, Wm Morrison, forecast by analysts to be the worst performing of the major supermarkets over Christmas, is hoping an advertising tie-up with entertainment duo Ant and/or Dec will revive its flagging fortunes. Recent industry data shows Morrisons losing market share to big rivals Tesco, Asda and Sainsbury's, as well as discounters Aldi and Lidl. In November the four hundred and eighty two-store grocer posted a worsening sales decline and parted company with its commercial director, Richard Hodgson, saying it had failed to get its selling points across to consumers. The Bradford-based firm says Ant and/or Dec will front a campaign throughout 2013, showcasing the grocer's traditional skills – over five thousand trained butchers, bakers and fishmongers – that it claims sets it apart from the rest of Britain's major supermarkets. Morrisons' deal with broadcaster ITV, FremantleMedia Enterprises, Syco and James Grant Management will see the grocer sponsor ITV's flagship Saturday night shows Britain's Got Talent and Ant and/or Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, as well as an advertising and brand campaign. Morrisons will, on Monday, give a trading update for the six weeks to 30 December. Analysts forecast a fall of around two per cent in sales, excluding fuel, at stores open over a year – a decline that is likely to make it the sector's laggard of the festive season, though it partly reflects the firm's lack of online presence and minimal number of convenience stores.

Former X Factor winner Shayne Ward has insisted that his pop career isn't over. Yeah. I think, actually, that's something you don't get to decide for yourself, Shayne.

Radio presenter and actress Daphne Oxenford has died at the age of ninety three. Known to millions as the voice of Listen With Mother, Oxenford would open each programme by asking: 'Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.' She was also one of the original cast members of Coronation Street and was a regular in Midsomer Murders until 2008. Oxenford died on 21 December, her family told the BBC. 'We were so proud of her,' said daughter Kate Bradley. 'She touched so many people through her life,' she continued, acknowledging 'the amount of children anywhere, everywhere, who grew up devoted to that fifteen minutes of Listen With Mother.' Beginning in 1950, Listen With Mother consisted of stories, songs and nursery rhymes for children under the age of five. It began at 1:45pm every weekday, to coincide with the end of children's lunchtime meal. At its peak, it had an audience of more than a million. Oxenford narrated the programme from 1950 to 1971, and her meticulously modulated opening phrase was eventually included in the Oxford dictionary of quotations. Regular listeners also recall the words that would precede her arrival: 'And, when the music stops Daphne Oxenford will be here to tell you a story.' Born in Barnet in 1919, Oxenford made her stage début aged thirteen, and went on to train at the Embassy School of Acting in Swiss Cottage. She joined ENSA, the armed forces' entertainment body, at the end of World War II and toured Britain and Germany playing in revues. Her big break came in 1947, when she went to give a friend moral support at an audition, only to be dragged onto the stage herself, where she performed for music hall star Joyce Grenfell. 'I did a schoolgirl sketch,' she told the Theatre Archive in 2005, 'and I wasn't aware that people [were] sitting in the audience watching the audition. Miss Grenfell rather rose to her height and she sent someone to ask where I had got that material. I said I wrote it for this little revue. So then I had to go for a music audition [and] somehow I was in.' She married David Marshall in 1951 and moved to Manchester, where she appeared in local theatres, including the Library Theatre and the Royal Exchange, while making weekly trips to London to record Listen With Mother. In 1960, she was cast in the role of the spinster Esther Hayes in Coronation Street. Making her début in the second episode, Esther was a carer for her bed-ridden mother, and kept an eye out for the street's younger characters, including Christine Hardman, Ken Barlow and Lucille Hewitt. She left the series in 1963, but made frequent returns for weddings and funerals. Oxenford continued to appear on television throughout her career, often taking supporting or cameo roles. She appeared in Heartbeat, The Sweeney, The Duchess of Duke Street, Juliet Bravo, The Children of Green Knowe, Drop The Dead Donkey, Land of Hope & Gloria and Man About The House, and played village shop-owner Mrs Patterson in 1970s sitcom To The Manor Born. She was also one of the voice-over artists on Granada TV's What The Papers Say, a weekly review of the best and worst offerings from the press. And she forged a long partnership with comedian Les Dawson, appearing as his comic foil both on the TV sketch show The Dawson Watch and the Radio 2 series, Listen to Les. After her husband died in 2003, Oxenford moved to Denville Hall, a retirement home for actors, in Northwood, Middlesex. The actress continued to work until 2008, filming her last role alongside David Tennant in the Doctor Who episode The Unicorn and the Wasp. Oxenford played an elderly Dame Agatha Christie, but her scenes were cut from the episode as broadcast (though they were later released on DVD). She had previously appeared in the series in the three-part story Dragonfire in 1987. She is survived by her two daughters, Kate and Sophie, and two grandsons.

Terry Jones has 'escaped death' after a sixty foot tree smashed into his North London home, crushing his garage over the weekend. The seventy-year-old Monty Python's Flying Circus veteran told the Evening Standard: 'It was a huge tree and we were so lucky to escape. It hit the garage wall and the ends of the branches were just touching the house front after hitting other trees on the way down. When we opened the front door all we could see was the tree. If it had been six foot taller it would have hit the roof and Siri [his three-year-old daughter] sleeps in that room. We were so lucky because she could have been killed.'

Yer actual John Barrowman his very self has been injured during a performance of Jack and the Beanstalk at a Glasgow theatre. The Doctor Who and Torchwood actor was taken to hospital from the SECC Clyde Auditorium as a precaution. His injuries were not serious, although he was milking them for all they were worth by all accounts! Barrowman had fallen off a live horse (as opposed to, you know, a dead one) during the matinee show, which also stars The Krankies. An SECC spokeswoman said: 'During today's matinee performance of Jack and the Beanstalk, John Barrowman suffered an injury on stage and has been taken to hospital as a precaution. His understudy, Greg Barrowman, has already stepped in to finish the rest of the show.' She added: 'John Barrowman is completely fine. He is just a little bit bruised.' Rumours that, as he was coming round, Barrowman's first question was whether or not Steven Moffat had called to tell him Captain Jack was going to be in the Doctor Who fiftieth anniversary episode cannot, at this time, be confirmed or, indeed, denied.

Fans of 1970s post-punk band The Durutti Column have rallied to help frontman and guitarist Vini Reilly after three strokes left him unable to pay bills. Reilly's nephew Matt posted an appeal on The Durutti Column website saying the influential guitarist had 'hit a bit of a rough patch money-wise.' Fans sent three grand and Matt posted a new message saying Vini was 'ecstatic. Enough has now been donated to ensure that he can pay off all of the backlog of rent that he owed,' Matt wrote. 'He's asked me to pass on his huge gratitude to you all and let you know that no further donations are needed. He's explained that going forward he should be able to afford to pay his rent, but the debt relates to the period after he had his three strokes but before he was assessed for disability allowance. It has been a stressful time for Vini, with the constant worry of knowing that he couldn't afford to pay his debts and that could mean being evicted from the place he rents. But he says he now feels like you've lifted the weight of the world off his shoulders.' The Durutti Column were among the first acts signed to Manchester's Factory Records label - which was also home to Joy Division, New Order and The Happy Mondays. His band were highly influential although never a commercial success. Reilly also played guitar for Morrissey on his début solo LP, Viva Hate. He had his first stroke in 2010 and two more followed in 2011. 'He has asked me to send his love to all of you,' Matt Reilly wrote. 'You've given him the best start to his new year that anyone could have asked for. And he's determined to fight his way back to fitness and rebuild the power in his hands so he can play guitar again. It's going to be a hard road ahead for him, but you've all made his life a lot brighter.'

And so to Keith Telly Topping's 33 of the Day on one of Vini's finest three-minutes of shrieking discordant noise.

Live Up To Your Name, Or Else You Die In Shame

Yer actual Frank Skinner has revealed that he has been trying to get himself a cameo role in Doctor Who. The comic - who claims to be 'a a big fan' of the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama (although, yer actual Keith Telly Topping doesn't recall Frank attending too many conventions during the 1980s and 90s when 'big fans' of the show were in, somewhat, short supply!) - said that he would be willing to take any part, no matter how small. 'I asked my manager to get me a part in Doctor Who. I didn't need a big part - a monster or a lunar rock - but I would love to be able to tell my grandchildren I was in it,' he told The Graham Norton Show. 'My manager said, "I'm sure it won't be a problem." He got in touch and got an e-mail back that said, "We are really happy that it is something Frank would like to do..." Somehow the end of the e-mail seemed to have been cut off.' Former Doctor Who actress Billie Piper is also on this week's Graham Norton Show and Skinner confessed that he had accidentally called her by her character name, Rose, when he met her backstage before the show.

Meanwhile, John Barrowman his very self has said that he would be 'disappointed' if Captain Jack Harkness doesn't return to Doctor Who for the show's fiftieth anniversary. The Torchwood actor has spent the last two years dropping constant hints - some more subtle than others - about his absolute desperation to return to Doctor Who, despite the fact that he is currently playing Malcolm Merlyn on US series Arrow. Yer man Barrowman has now suggested that he is 'still hoping' to receive a call from The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat, according to the Los Angeles Times. 'I haven't been asked. I would love to if they ask me,' he stressed. He went on to say: '[Arrow producer] Andrew Kreisberg has already said if they want me in the fiftieth anniversary, he will give me the time off to do it. But it's not up to me.' Captain Jack first appeared in the series one two-part story The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances, which was written by Moffat.

The Snowmen has given BBC America record ratings, with the Christmas Day special being watched by 1.434 million people either live or within seven days. This was a rise of fifty four per cent on the BBC America ratings for last year's Christmas episode, making it the channel's second most-popular programme, beaten only by Asylum of the Daleks, which garnered 1.555 million viewers in September. Perry Simon, BBC America's general manager, said: 'It feels exactly right to be ending the year on a ratings high with Doctor Who. The show has really delivered for us this year on every level. Cinematic scale, superb acting, cracking storylines, and a growing band of dedicated fans – we can't wait for the next series in spring 2013.'

Nearly two years after Frozen Planet, Sir David Attenborough turned to warmer climes for his latest wildlife epic Africa, watched by six and a half million punters on BBC1 on Wednesday night. The first of a six-part series, which began in the Kalahari, Africa, had a twenty five per cent share of the audience between 9pm and 10pm. It was marginally down on the 6.8 million viewers who tuned into the first episode of Frozen Planet in October 2011 but was thirty five per cent up on the BBC1 slot average over the last three months. Africa was up against the return of One Born Every Minute on Channel Four, the maternity ward series beginning its fourth thirteen-part run with three million viewers. It, too, was up on its slot average, by nearly nineteen per cent. DCI John Barnaby returned to ITV for a new three-part run of Midsomer Murders. Wednesday's episode had 5.5 million viewers between 8pm and 10pm, not enough to topple Attenborough's return. Gok Wan returned to Channel Four with Gok's Style Secrets, beginning a six-part run with two million viewers between 8pm and 9pm. It was beaten by BBC2's Nature's Weirdest Events, the second of the three-part Chris Packham show which had 2.9 million viewers including one hundred and sixty eight thousand on the BBC HD channel. It was followed by the second of another three-part BBC2 series, Queen Victoria's Children, which had 1.9 million viewers between 9pm and 10pm, including sixty five thousand on HD. Later, the Channel Four documentary Secrets of a Good Marriage with Sharon Horgan was watched by 1.4 million viewers between 10pm and 11.05pm. Horgan's documentary lost out to a repeat of a Christmas edition of BBC2's Mock The Week, which had 1.6 million viewers between 10pm and 11pm. Coronation Street was the most watched programme of the day, averaging 9.5 million viewers and a thirty nine per cent share from 7.30pm.

Jim Davidson is one of the two latest men to have been nicked-nicked by The Law and then bailed on suspicion of naughty sexual offences. Rumours that he was also arrested for 'crimes against comedy' cannot, at this time, be confirmed or denied. Officers from Operation Yewtree, set up in the wake of the disgraced and disgraceful Jimmy Savile scandal, arrested Davidson in West London on Wednesday. Davidson's solicitor said that his client - who has been bailed to return in March pending further inquiries - 'vigorously denies' the alleged crimes. A fifty three-year-old man was also arrested in Hampshire and subsequently bailed although whether this was directly connected to Davidson's arrest or not, the police did not say. Scotland Yard said that the arrests were not connected to the allegations made against ex-TV presenter and DJ Savile, who died in 2011 aged eighty four. In a statement, Davidson's solicitor, Henri Brandman, claimed that two women have made allegations against Davidson dating back approximately twenty five years. 'The complainants were then in their mid-twenties. Jim vigorously denies the allegations. He answered police questions as fully as he was able after this passage of time. He has not been charged with any offence. Neither he nor I will be making any further comment.' Davidson, fifty nine, presented the long-running BBC1 shows The Generation Game and Big Break. His career started in the 1970s and, in 1976 he won TV talent show New Faces. He then hosted his own show The Jim Davidson Show, and has had continued - though truly baffling - success as stand-up comic with an act based almost entirely on use of racist and sexist stereotypes. Oh, it was hilarious, dear blog reader. That 'Chalkie White' character he used to do, flippin' thigh-slappin' so it was. Davidson has been widely reported to have been a planned housemate in the Channel Five show Celebrity Big Brother which begins on Thursday night and was, reportedly, arrested at Heathrow Airport. In October Davison, branded the Savile investigation 'a witch hunt', after threatening to 'reveal' the names of paedophiles in showbusiness himself. On his blog he wrote: 'The Savile witch hunt is going a bit silly now. We all are starting to speculate and accuse even in jest. So no, I don't know who's next.' Well, that would be you, it would seem, old chap. 'Everyone has had the nod. Everyone is an expert. Just pick someone you don't like and say it's them. As odd as he was, Savile can't defend himself. The bloke's dead for God's sake. Let's move on.' In Davidson's first autobiography The Full Monty (1993), he talked frankly - and in a rather dismissive manner - about his violent and abusive behaviour towards his first wife: 'We’re like a couple of boxers. On the first occasion, I poked her in the eye by accident. I actually went for the mouth. Thank heaven I missed, I'd have fallen in. I just took a playful punch. Unfortunately I caught her completely wrong. The second time I gave her a shiner. I threw a bunch of keys which whacked her in the eye. Just for a giggle she kept blackening it up to make it look worse.' Davidson was, nevertheless, made an OBE in 2001 for his 'services to charity.' In March 2004, Davidson, a self-professed - and mouthy - Tory, publicly left the UK for the tax-free haven of Dubai 'in protest' at the Labour government. At the time, he declared that: 'I may as well go to Dubai and be an ethnic minority there than wait five years till I become one here.' In 2007 he was thrown off the Channel Four reality show Hell's Kitchen after making vile homophobic comments about fellow contestant (and now Big Brother presenter) Brian Dowling. A BBC News cameraman has filmed footage of people, believed to be detectives, leaving Davidson's house in Stockbridge, Hampshire, with boxes and bags. It's to be hoped they're not looking for any new jokes in there because they'll have a bugger of a job trying to find any. Operation Yewtree is the Met's investigation into allegations, some dating back decades, that have arisen since Savile was accused of abuse. The operation has three strands. One is looking specifically at the actions of Savile and the second strand concerns allegations against 'Savile and others.' The third strand, under which the two men were arrested on Wednesday, relates to alleged complaints against other people unconnected to the Savile investigations. These men are the ninth and tenth to be questioned as part of the police operation. Of these, nine have been under arrest. High-profile names arrested in connection with the investigation are self-styled PR consultant Max Clifford, alleged comedian Freddie Starr, DJ and broadcaster Dave Lee Travis, former TV producer Wilfred De'Ath and former Radio 1 producer Ted Beston, all of whom deny any wrongdoing whatsoever. Former pop star and convicted paedophile Gary Glitter, who was also arrested, has not yet made a statement regarding his claims of guilt or innocence. Another unnamed man in his eighties was also questioned by police under caution, though not arrested, or charged.

And, speaking of dreadful unfunny comedy, David Walliams wanted to male another series of Come Fly With Me – but Matt Lucas vetoed the idea. For which, let us all be thankful.

The former footballer Neil Ruddock is understood to have been lined-up as the last-minute replacement on Celebrity Big Brother for Davidson, whom Channel Five appear to have new dropped like hot toast. The reality show, which launches on Thursday night when this year's intake of desperate z-list celebrities, has-beens and never-weres enter the Big Brother house, was 'thrown into disarray' when Davidson was arrested at midday on Wednesday. It is understood that Davidson was arrested at Heathrow Airport as he flew in to the UK to take part in the show. The Celebrity Big Brother production team are understood to have 'scrambled' to find a replacement, although the hunt was initially delayed for several hours on Wednesday because of uncertainty over whether Davidson could, or should, still participate if he was not charged. Davidson's solicitor said after his client was bailed without charge late on Wednesday that he 'vigorously denies' the allegations made against him by two women. 'It was not cut and dried what the right course of action was,' one alleged 'source' with - allegedly - 'knowledge of the situation' is quoted as - allegedly - saying by the Gruniad Morning Star. Programme executives are understood to have settled on yer man Ruddock, who during his colourful footballing career played for clubs including Southampton, Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws, Stottingtot Hotshot and West Hamsters (and, very briefly, England) as a defender was given the nickname Razor thanks to his bad-boy antics both on and off the pitch. He was always pretty funny, though. certainly funnier than Jim Davidson. The forty four-year-old has reality TV form having appeared in ITV's I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want) in 2004, which he used to record a charity single called 'Jungle Rock' with contestants including Lord Brocket. He has also appeared in BBC1's Celebrity Total Wipeout in 2011. Lindsay Lohan's appearance in London has prompted speculation that she might make an appearance on Celebrity Big Brother. The show's makers have courted Lohan for previous series, although if she did appear it would be briefly as she is due in court in the US on 15 January for breaching her probation and may well end up doing a stretch in pokey as a consequence. Programme makers appear to have tapped a number of potential candidates in the last-minute hunt for a replacement for Davidson. Peter Fury, the trainer and uncle of boxer Tyson Fury, tweeted on Wednesday that the twenty four-year-old 'could be going in [the] Big Brother show!' In a string of tweets Peter Fury admitted he was 'not a fan of the show' but that 'I guess for the Biusness[sic] side of things he has to do what's in his benefit.' Fury is booked to fight in New York on 17 March. Alleged celebrities that have been widely tipped to appear in this year's CBB include The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, ex-EastEnders actress Gillian Taylforth and The X Factor contestant Rylan Clark. Which probably gives you an idea, dear blog reader, just who vague Channel Five's definition of what is 'a celebrity' and who isn't is becoming.

A suspected arson attack on the Bath transmitter site has affected television and radio broadcasts to about eighty thousand homes. The fire in three sheds at the site in Bathampton caused a power cut. All Freeview television channels, BBC Radio Bristol's 104.6 FM, national analogue, digital radio channels and mobile networks have been affected. Avon and Somerset Police believe the fire, which was reported at 05:50 on Wednesday, was started deliberately. Engineers from Arqiva, which owns the transmitter, have switched off the whole power supply to the transmitter to assess the damage to the structure. A spokesman from Arqiva said: 'Due to fire the electricity supply has been isolated meaning that services have been temporarily switched off to enable safety work to take place. We are working to get services back to normal once the fire and police authorities have finished their initial investigation.' Last April, a transmitter on Dundry Lane in Bristol was also attacked, disrupting radio broadcasts. The firm has not said how long it will take before services are resumed.

Five police officers and a civilian worker involved in the Metropolitan police's phone-hacking investigation have faced misconduct allegations, Scotland Yard has confirmed. The group included three detective constables and a civilian worker who have resigned from or left the Operation Weeting investigation following disciplinary action. Two of the detective constables had allegations of 'other neglect or failure of duty' upheld against them and are no longer working on Operation Weeting, the Met said. A further detective constable is suspended over alleged leaks to journalists, and a civilian worker left Operation Weeting following a final written warning in June last year over 'discreditable conduct.' Scotland Yard revealed the misconduct allegations in response to a Freedom of Information request by the Sun. The force said that a total of nine employees stationed on Operation Weeting and the parallel Operation Elveden probe into alleged naughty and illegal payments to public officials had been accused of misconduct at some point in their employment at the force. One Operation Elveden officer is under investigation over failure of duty allegations relating to a previous police inquiry. Police said that a former Operation Weeting detective also received 'management action' in July last year over mistakes made in a previous investigation. Scotland Yard launched Operation Weeting two years ago this month in response to allegations of phone-hacking at the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World. A total of twenty six suspects, mainly journalists, have been arrested and bailed under the investigation and several have been charged with a variety of offences. The Operation Weeting probe prompted the spin-off inquiries Operation Elveden and Operation Tuleta, into computer hacking and other breaches of privacy not covered by the other two teams. A spokesman for the Met police said: 'Many of the misconduct matters involving staff from Operations Weeting, Elveden and Tuleta took place prior to the officers being posted to these operations. The MPS takes all matters of misconduct and professional behaviour seriously. It should, however, be noted that the majority of these cases were at the less serious end of the scale and that the sanction of "Management Action" is not a formal misconduct outcome and is considered to be part of the normal managerial responsibility of managers in the police service.'

Qatar-based broadcaster Al Jazeera has acquired Current TV, the cable television network founded by former US Vice President Al Gore. He and co-founder, Joel Hyatt, announced the sale in a statement, without giving any financial details. Launched in the US in 2005, Current TV is at present available in about sixty million US homes. The purchase could give Al Jazeera broader reach in the US, something it has been struggling to achieve. 'Current Media was built based on a few key goals: To give voice to those who are not typically heard; to speak truth to power; to provide independent and diverse points of view; and to tell the stories that no one else is telling,' Gore and Hyatt said in the statement. 'Al Jazeera, like Current, believes that facts and truth lead to a better understanding of the world around us.' Al Jazeera, which is funded by the government of Qatar, first gained popularity after it aired videos of Osama bin Laden following the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The English language version of the channel can be viewed online in the US, and on TV in select cities. Al Jazeera said in a statement on Wednesday that it plans to launch its own US-based news channel which will be available on Current TV's distribution network this year. The news channel will be head-quartered in New York City and will provide both domestic and international news for American audiences, the broadcaster said. Al Jazeera said its English language channel has proved popular in the US with forty per cent of all online viewing coming from there. However, Al Jazeera's attempt to gain more viewership in the US suffered an early setback after Time Warner Cable said it would stop carrying Current TV following the ownership change. Time Warner, the second biggest cable company in the US, said it had already been looking to remove channels with low ratings, and this acquisition gave it the ability to cancel its contract.

HBO is being sued by a woman who claims that she was unfairly dismissed from horseracing drama Luck. The show, which starred Dustin Hoffman, was cancelled after several animals died on set. Barbara Casey, ex-director of the American Humane Association film and production unit, says producers 'engaged in ongoing, systematic and unlawful animal abuse.' An HBO statement said precautions were taken 'to ensure that our horses were treated humanely.' Casey's lawsuit also accuses the American Humane Association of 'bending to pressure' from the TV network 'to allow the use of unsuitable horses.' She said her employment was 'wrongfully terminated' after she threatened to report animal mistreatment. HBO added in its statement to The Hollywood Reporter: 'Barbara Casey was not an employee of HBO, and any questions regarding her employment should be directed to the AHA.' The drama, in which Hoffman starred as a crime kingpin scheming to gain control of a racecourse, was cancelled last March during filming on its second season. Several horses were injured and put down, and a statement at the time said it was 'with heartbreak that HBO have decided to cease all future production.' It was shown in the UK on Sky Atlantic. However, Casey claims that the network engaged in efforts to 'conceal and cover-up' animal safety violations while filming. She said HBO 'misidentified horses so that the humane officers and/or animal safety representatives could not track their medical histories, experience and/or suitability for use.' Casey, who held her position with the AHA for thirteen years, claimed that officers witnessed horses being 'drugged to perform' and 'underweight and sick horses unsuited for work [being] routinely used.' AHA said in a statement to movie website Deadline that it 'is unable to comment on this pending legal matter.'

Feathers have been somewhat ruffled at the BBC after one of the Harris hawks it hired to protect staff from pesky pigeons attacked one outside the corporation's new Broadcasting House in London. The Daily Torygraph reports that one of the three birds of prey 'made a kill' on a pigeon late last year. The BBC keeps three Harris hawks – named Scout, Travis and Rio apparently – to 'enforce a no-fly zone' around Broadcasting House and 'protect staff from nuisance birds.' No word yet on whether the hawk will offer its resignation.

A man who threw a plastic bottle on to the track at the start of the men's Olympic one hundred metres final shouted that he wanted defending champion, world record holder and total legend Usain Bolt to lose, a court has heard. And, for that alone, he should probably get twenty years in solitary. Ashley Gill-Webb, of South Milford, North Yorkshire, was arrested at the Olympic Stadium on 5 August. Dutch judo champion Edith Bosch said that she had heard him shout 'Bolt, I want you to lose.' Gill-Webb denies two public order offences. And one unspoken charge on 'being an complete and total arsehole.' Probably. After the plastic beer bottle was thrown, Bosch said that she had confronted Gill-Webb saying 'Dude, are you crazy?' Only, you know, with more of a Dutch accent than that. In a statement read to Stratford Magistrates' Court she said she had been 'flabbergasted' because it was 'disrespectful.' Security personnel detained Gill-Webb who had pushed his way to the front of an exclusive seating area which he did not have a ticket for before he could get seriously chinned by the Dutch judo squad. Which, in and of itself would've probably been a sight to rival much at this year's Olympics. Bolt, of course, went on to win the race - spectacularly - in 9.63 seconds. Gill-Webb has denied using threatening words or behaviour with intent to cause harassment, alarm or distress. He has also denied doing the same within the hearing or sight of a person likely to be caused harassment, alarm or distress. Prosecutor Neil King told the court it was accepted that Gill-Webb was 'unwell at the time' but added that it was 'a matter of luck' that there had not been a more serious outcome for the competitors. He said: 'This bottle landed extremely close to the athletes. The shouting and jostling had already alarmed and disrupted those around him but throwing the bottle was a step even further.' Once detained, Gill-Webb's behaviour was described as 'somewhat unusual.' Detective Constable Kevin Guest, from the Metropolitan Police, told the court that Gill-Webb had given some 'no comment' answers.' The defendant also gave a prepared statement signed 'Alan Cumming', suggesting to police that he was the Scottish actor. Even though he, clearly, wasn't. Guest said that officers had not found a ticket on the suspect and had no knowledge of how he had managed to blag his way into such a high profile event. He added that Gill-Webb's DNA had later been found on the bottle and CCTV footage had clearly showed Gill-Webb throwing it. Witnesses described hearing him shout at the finalists, including Bolt, fellow Jamaican sprinter Yohan Blake and US sprinter (and twice-convicted drug cheat) Justin Gatlin. Student Farzin Mirshahi said she had heard Gill-Webb yell: 'Believe in Blake, no Usain.' Security guard Robert Spears said he had 'feared' Gill-Webb was going to 'disrupt the games.' He and another member of staff escorted Gill-Webb from the stadium. He said: 'At no point did he ever try to explain himself or deny what I had seen, but just demanded to know who had won the race,' Spears said. The trial continues.

For today's Keith Telly Topping's 33 of the Day we head straight of side six of Sandinista!, one of the most wilfully obscure (and, therefore, fascinating) slices of vinyl ever put out by a major rock group and one that, ironically, sounds better and better with each passing year. The Clash weren't just ahead of the game, the were writing the rules as they went along. Tell 'em all about it, Mikey.

And, after that, where the hell else is there to go but, you know, outer-space in dub-style? Hardwired logic, machine language. Who does hold the key that winds up Big Ben, Joseph?

Pussies Galore

Yer actual Jenna-Louise Coleman has suggested that Doctor Who's forthcoming fiftieth anniversary will be 'incredibly memorable' for long time fans. Well, i should bloody well hope so, it's going to go down like a flan in a cupboard if it isn't. Doctor Who, just in case you've been living in a cave for the last forty nine years and two months, began on 23 November 1963 with the episode An Unearthly Child, which saw The Doctor kidnap two school teachers in his TARDIS for the very first time. Current showrunner The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has promised that Doctor Who will 'take over television' during its anniversary, but has so far revealed only that the episodes will 'be full of tremendous surprises.' Coleman - who plays The Doctor's new (twice-dead) companion, Clara - has since offered her own hints about the golden anniversary to the Sun's TV Magazine. '[I'm] so very excited. Fifty years of Doctor Who and still going strong,' she declared. The actress went on to say: 'It was amazing to see the response over in the US. The fans are mega-fans and its really rocketed in popularity over the past few years. I've been walking past the news stands in New York with Matt [Smith's] face gracing the covers of magazines. Steven texted me saying this will be something we will talk about in our dotage and he is right, we will. So watch this space!' Coleman appeared in Doctor Who's festive special The Snowmen as the Time Lord's latest companion, a character whom the actress described as 'a perfect match' for Smith's Doctor. 'They are both as stubborn as each other and they challenge each other. It's almost more of a reluctant friendship,' she explained. 'They are totally bemused by each other but are drawn together like magnets - they can't help liking each other but are constantly trying to work the other out.'

Wor deed canny Kevin Whately has revealed that he will be taking a year's break from Lewis, and that afterwards he may decide not to return. The sixty one-year-old actor, who stars with Laurence Fox in the ITV drama, has said that the final episode of the latest series - which starts on 7 January - 'does have a resolution.' Speaking to the Sun, Whately said: 'I told ITV to treat it like any other episode so that we may or may not come back. But ITV wanted a resolution. And so where I am is that I want 2013 off and so does Laurence.' However, he also revealed that 'a couple' of Lewis episodes could be made in 2014, despite him being happy 'to not work.' He said: 'I genuinely like the fact I don't know what is going to happen [in 2013] and I really am perfectly happy to not work.' Whately also revealed that co-star Fox is planning on moving to America with his wife Billie Piper and two sons with the hope of making it in Hollywood.

Miranda and Mrs Brown's Boys continued to produce impressive rating figures for the BBC on New Year's Day and kick ITV's arsehole into the bargain. The Miranda Hart sitcom pulled in a stunning 9.04 million at 9pm and Brendan O'Carroll's Irish family comedy was watched by 8.1m, both slightly down on their highly-rated Boxing Day outings but way above the slot average. The BBC1 studio sitcoms achieved almost triple the audience of ITV's woefully dreadful music 'special' (and, I - and they - use that word quite wrongly) Gary Barlow and Friends, which attracted a piss-poor 3.03m between 9pm and 10.15pm. ITV's sycophantic brown-tongued lick-fest Royal Babies also, very satisfyingly, had a low audience of 3.02m crushed victims of society at 7pm. BBC2's showing of Nature's Weirdest Events (2.96m) helped it gain an unexpected 8pm lead over Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (2.92m) on ITV. Queen Victoria's Children, BBC2's 9pm documentary, managed a decent 2.44m before Charlie Brooker's 2012 Wipe (see below) picked up 1.29m. Earlier in the evening, Disney's family film Up! made its terrestrial premiere on BBC1 with an astounding 7.19m, securing a big primetime win for the channel. EastEnders - 9.09m - was the most watched show of the night. Overall, BBC1's average of 29.2 per cent was nearly three times ITV's woeful 10.3 per cent.

EastEnders took the top spot in the final consolidated Christmas Day ratings, with ITV's Downton Abbey down over two million viewers on last year's festive special. The Albert Square soap had final figures of 11.2 million viewers, a 34.1 per cent share of the audience, in the newly-released figures which include 'timeshift' viewing by households watching over the following seven days on personal video recorders or devices such as Sky+. EastEnders also topped the Christmas Day overnight ratings, averaging 9.4 million viewers on the day. ITV's Downton Abbey, which was the most-watched Christmas show of 2011 when timeshift viewing was added, slipped from second to sixth in 2012, beaten by a trio of BBC1 shows, Call the Midwife 10.18m), The Royle Family (9.9m) and Doctor Who (9.87m) as well as ITV's Coronation Street (9.84m). The Lord Snooty drama, which climaxed with the death of the character of Matthew Crawley, played by Dan Stevens, had a total of 9.69m viewers, down from last year's 11.6 million. Downton averaged 7.3 million in the overnight ratings for Christmas Day. Call The Midwife had the most timeshifted viewing, with an extra 2.9 million viewers on top of the 7.3 million people who watched it on Christmas Day, lifting it to second place in the festive chart with 10.18 million. The Royle Family and Doctor Who boosted their overnight audiences by 2.2 million and 2.3 million respectively.

In addition to all that, the Doctor Who Christmas Day special attracted almost 1.5 million programme requests on BBC iPlayer last month, helping the catch-up TV platform enjoy another record-breaking festive period. BBC iPlayer launched on Christmas Day in 2007, but celebrated its fifth birthday as the number one video on-demand brand which is available on more than six hundred and fifty devices. In October, iPlayer attracted two hundred million requests for TV and radio for the first time in a single month, including a spike in demand on mobile devices. Christmas is typically a hugely popular time for iPlayer, as people use the platform to catch up on the glut of television content from the BBC. Doctor Who episode The Snowmen was the most popular TV show on iPlayer over Christmas, attracting one million four hundred and sixty seven thousand two hundred and twenty requests. It was followed by the Christmas Day edition of EastEnders, at 1.4m requests, and the first episode of the new series of comedy Miranda, at 1.3m requests. Last year, 2 January was the best day that BBC iPlayer had ever seen, with 5.4m TV programme requests, but that was beaten on Tuesday when there were 6.7m TV requests. In total, there were seventy seven million requests for TV and radio programmes throughout the festive period (22 December - 1 January 2013), and that does not even include Virgin Media's cable TV data, which is not yet available. Dave Price, the head of BBC iPlayer said in a blog post that there was also 'a big spike' in installs of the BBC iPlayer mobile app on tablets and smartphones over Christmas, with the 'Nexus Seven, iPad and Kindle Fire HD proving popular.'

Meanwhile, BBC1 has cemented its position as the UK's most watched channel in primetime with its best annual audience share for the period 7pm to 11pm since at least 2008. The annual primetime shares (based on overnights) are as follows:-
BBC1
2009 - 22.0 per cent
2010 - 21.7 per cent
2011 - 21.5 per cent
2012 - 22.6 per cent
ITV
2009 - 22.6 per cent
2010 - 22.1 per cent
2011 - 21.0 per cent
2012 - 19.7 per cent
For the first time in many years - if not ever - BBC1 beat ITV in every single quarter, including ITV's normally strong fourth quarter:
Q1: BBC1 - 21.6 per cent - ITV - 20.1 per cent
Q2: BBC1 - 23.3 per cent - ITV - 20.0 per cent
Q3: BBC1 - 23.7 per cent - ITV - 17.0 per cent
Q4: BBC1 - 21.8 per cent - ITV - 21.7 per cent
BBC1 beat ITV in nine out of the twelve months of 2012, the only months which ITV won being May (21.8 per cent versus 21.0 per cent), September (21.2 per cent versus 19.7 per cent) and November (24.6 per cent versus 20.6 per cent). Out of fifty two full weeks of the year, BBC1 won thirty five to ITV's fifteen. Two weeks were tied. Out of three hundred and sixty six days of 2012, BBC1 won two hundred and two primetimes, ITV won one hundred and sixty two and, again, two were tied. The only day which ITV had a higher primetime average than BBC1 was Mondays (22.7 per cent versus 21.3 per cent). BBC1 had a better average on every other day of the week. BBC1's biggest primetime share of the year was 65.8 per cent which occurred on both the days of the Opening and Closing Olympic Ceremonies (27 July and 12 August). BBC1's smallest primetime share of the year was 13.1 per cent on 29 August which was the day of the Paralympic Opening Ceremony. ITV's biggest primetime share of the year was 44.7 per cent on 19 June when they broadcast an England Euro 2012 match. ITV's smallest primetime share was 3.9 per cent on 12 August.

During his Wipe 2012 round-up of the year, yer man Charlie Brooker had the following brilliant mixture of pith, sarcasm and genuine warmth to say about the Olympics: 'Olympic fever was being accompanied by plenty of gaudy advertising which gave rise to another complaint about the games, that they were clearly going to be nothing but a depressing, logo-strewn corporate egg-and-spoon contest. The nation's ad-breaks creaked with one patronising faux-inspirational propaganda movie after another with legendary Olympians and Paralympians pimping various good and occasionally farting out corporate insignia willy-nilly as apparently random products and service jostled desperately to associate themselves with that wholesome Olympic glow. Given all this, the Olympics were, clearly, going to be ghastly and as the Opening Ceremony loomed, smartarses everywhere tried to work out what the emoticon for "sneering" was. Of course, in the event Danny Boyle's opening show was a heart-warming spectacle that made everyone in the country intensely patriotic. The next morning it was as if we cautiously realised that, since we hadn't totally balls'd the ceremony up, maybe, the rest of the games would be okay, too. Usually I find watching any sport less interesting than watching, say, cardboard exist. But, for some reason, I couldn't stop watching the Olympics. I think it's because I'm a nerd and it reminded me of video games thanks to the video game-style cut-scene the BBC displayed whenever its coverage booted up. And the electric colour tones and crisp overlaid graphics showing who was in which lane. And the high-score table and the Tron-style fencing tournament and the Velodrome coverage which looked like Battle of the Planets on wheels. And, the occasional weightlifting competitor who looked like an Endo Level Boss who might suddenly lob a bolder at you. As well as looking like a game, it was a game we were good at. The blanket coverage presented us with a wealth of fresh-faced, clean-living British youngsters apparently fixated on being "the very best they could be." Bastards! People even started talking about what inspiring role-models the Olympics were providing for a whole generation for once. I mean, compare them to the sort of gaudy role-models our youth are usually presented with like the nihilistic boozy attention-addicts on MTV's raucous sex-and-shrieking reality shows Geordie Shore and The Vallyes. At last, thanks to the Olympics, our young-folk were being represented by genuine achievers. They weren't dedicating their lives to pointless nonsense, they were doing "real things", like jumping over a bar into some sand or throwing a disc or a stick, really well. Once every four years. All our fears had been unfounded, the weather was great, the systems worked and it didn't feel like a big corporate shindig because it was all on the ad-free BBC. In fact, the only thing being advertised was Britain. The schedules heaved with emotive, triumphant, romantic slow-motion montages which managed to mythologise the games before they were even over. Patriotism was now at a peak, there was nothing the UK couldn't do. We were invincible, we were unstoppable, we were superior. We could do World War II all over again in our sleep if we wanted, we were the best nation on Earth. Then, we had the Paralympics which also defied expectations by being about ten thousand times better than many were expecting. In fact, if anything, they were even better than the Olympics because half these sports hadn't received anything like this much jubilant coverage before and the athletes were truly inspiring. The Paralympics changed the way we looked at disability forever. For instance, now when I see someone in a wheelchair, I think "bloody show-off!"'

Photos of the BBC's big new drama series for 2013 have been released to celebrate the upcoming year of TV. The latest shots include a first pictures from Peter Moffat's ambitious drama project, The Village. Starring John Simm and Maxine Peake, the series will follows the residents of one English village across the Twentieth Century and their turbulent lives.

Swedish actress Rebecca Ferguson leads the cast of War of the Roses-set ten-part drama The White Queen. Max Irons will play Edward IV, who is crowned the King thanks to Warwick the Kingmaker (James Frain). However, Warwick's plans are altered after the King falls in love with commoner Elizabeth Woodville (Ferguson). Another new project coming soon to BBC1 is Mayday, which has been compared to Danish hit The Killing. Sophie Okonedo, Peter Firth, Sam Spruell and Aidan Gillen star in the new drama, which focuses on the disappearance of a young girl from an idyllic community. Spruell said last year: 'It's great, because [in] this quaint village suddenly the façade comes down and the monsters are shown. I think it could be really exciting.' Former Torchwood actress Eve Myles returns to the BBC in the title role of Frankie, a six-part series about a Bristol nurse who cares more for her patients than her own personal life. Dean Lennox Kelly will play Frankie's boyfriend Ian, while Derek Riddell will star as her team member and confidant Andy.

Returning shows in 2013 on BBC1 include the fiftieth anniversary of Doctor Who, the third series of Luther, the second series of Call The Midwife and Death In Paradise and another run of The Voice.

Joey Essex, Caprice and Sugababes singer Jade Ewen are among the non-entities, has-beens and never-weres confirmed to be taking part in Tom Daley's forthcoming ITV fiasco Splash!

Miranda Hart has hinted at a likely fourth series of Miranda. The current third series had been rumoured to be its final run - albeit, not by anyone that actually matters - but Hart has now suggested that there is a chance it will return in the future. Hart was responding to comments from her co-star Tom Ellis about the show's future, although it is unclear what Ellis had actually said. She tweeted: 'Mr Ellis is not necessarily right that there will be no more show. Are you trying to put me out of work?!' Ellis recently told the Digital Spy website that he was not sure if the show would return, saying: 'I'm not sure what's happening with it in the future. I just don't know. I've said before and I'll always say it, as long as it's going and Miranda wants me to be a part of it, I'd love to be part of it, so watch this space.'

Yer actual Sir Dangerous Dave Attenborough has said that he doesn't plan to finish working any time soon, but believes that when he eventually does, the type of programme he is most closely associated with may cease to be made. The naturalist, who travelled to the remote Galapagos Islands this summer, made the comments while promoting his new Sky series Galapagos 3D. According to the Sun, Attenborough revealed that he doubts whether wildlife programmes like those he presents will continue to exist after he finishes working. The eighty six-year-old said: 'I'm a bit of a fossil in a way. The sort of films I make - there aren't many like them now. I'm not sure that particular style of programme will go on being made.'

Channel Four's Big Fat Quiz of the Year has sparked Ofcom complaints. The watchdog has confirmed that 'some' viewers voiced their disapproval, although the number of complaints and their details have not yet been stated. A Daily Scum Mail 'shock! horror! probe!' shitehawk 'exclusive' revealed that, actually, five people had complained 'although that number is expected to rise.' Well, it likely will do after the Daily Scum Mail has tried drumming up a bit of feigned outrage about it. It's probably reached eight by now. Margaret Morrissey, founder of campaign group Parents Outloud, whoever the hell she is, said: 'It is amazing this programme was ever broadcast. This was not live television, someone made the decision to allow this to go out at 9pm during the holidays when young children will still be up and watching television.' Yes. Won't somebody think of the children. Ah, but here's the drawback. It was, it seems, odious, unfunny smug streak of lame piss Jack Whitehall and loud unfunny lard bucket (and drag) James Corden who were the ones making 'jokes about the Queen, President Obama and Susan Boyle during the show' that so got on the Daily Scum Mail's tits. It's come to a sorry shite state of affairs, dear blog reader, when something happens which makes this blogger agree with the Daily Scum Mail. And, as a consequence, that makes this really pissed-off towards the pair of arsewipes responsible for such a situation. Ban the pair of them. And, cut off their googlies as well, for such a disgraceful happenstance and malarkey. Full-of-his-own-importance Whitehall apparently 'made a joke' about why the Queen had remained standing throughout her Diamond Jubilee celebrations, linking it to Prince Philip being hospitalised with a bladder infection. 'I'm just saying what everyone's thinking,' he said. Well, off with his head. The alleged comedians - although both are, actually, about as funny as a dose of the clap - also joked about the Twitter mistake made by Susan Boyle's PR team earlier this year, when they invited fans to join '#susanalbumparty.' Other guests on the quiz show's panel included Jonathan Ross, IT Crowd star Richard Ayoade, comedian Russell Howard and sports presenter Gabby Logan, who must have wondered who she'd annoyed to get that gig. The show was presented by Jimmy Carr. Whitehall admitted on Twitter that he and ludicrous oafish buffoon Corden had been 'so, so drunk' when they filmed the show. Oh, so that's all right then. A Channel Four spokesperson commented: 'Big Fat Quiz Of The Year is a well-established comedic and satirical review of the year's events with well-known guests and is broadcast after the watershed with appropriate warnings.' Or, in other words, 'shut the fuck up Daily Scum Mail, you don't frighten us like you do the BBC.'

A Tokyo-style 'cat café' could open in London in March 2013 if an IndieGoGo funding campaign is successful. Cat cafés allow customers to enjoy drinks and snacks while watching and playing with the resident pets. The idea of cat cafés originated in Taiwan and spread quickly to Japan, where their widespread success is linked with many urban landlords disallowing pets, as well as city-dwellers' long working hours. 'A cat café is just like a regular café,' says Lauren Pears, who is looking to bring the establishment to London as Lady Dinah's Cat Emporium. 'It sells coffee, tea, cakes and snacks but with a difference. It's full of cats. Cat welfare is really important to us. In particular, we want to make sure we can house cats who don't have a home to go to. We're also working with the Mayhew Animal Home to choose cats that will be happy in the environment that has lots of people in it, and we're working with them to define a really solid care plan to make sure they're cared for.' Pears says that approval for the café has already been granted by the Food Standards Agency, animal wardens and licensing offers. The campaign has forty five days left to raise a total of one hundred and eight grand. Pears is offering a number of incentives for contributions including high tea, free trial-run parties, VIP membership and venue hire.

All of which probably means that its high time for yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. And, today, that features a tune from the very first film that yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self was ever taken to see by his parents. Followed, in very short order, for those keeping score by Bedknobs & Broomsticks, Yellow Submarine and, ahem, Diamonds Are Forever. I was a very forward child!

Running Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

2012 was obviously a jolly bad year for young pop singer Ellie Goulding judging by the girl's appearance the BBC's New Year's Eve Top of the Pops. The poor lass doesn't appear to be able to afford any pants. What do you think, dear blog reader. Should someone get on to Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads and ask him if he can organise something like a Trousers Aid record for 2013 with all his tuneful and photogenic X Factor protégés? Yer actual Keith Telly Topping would certainly consider buying it. For about five seconds.

Initial overnight audience figures suggest a peak of 12.9m people watched a firework display from London to see in the New Year on BBC1. The Graham Norton Show also achieved an all-time high rating for its New Year's Eve episode. Norton's chat show smashed the previous record set in June by three hundred thousand punters with 4.51m tuning-in from 10.30pm. Even more remarkably, two million viewers joined the programme between the start and 11.45pm. Afterwards New Year's Live, which brought in 2013 with loads of fireworks and Big Ben's chimes, averaged 10.3m with a peak of just under thirteen million around five minutes into the New Year. Earlier Celebrity Mastermind was watched by 5.28m at 6.30pm, and Top of the Pops - with the tragically pantless Ellie Goulding - had an audience of 3.17m. On ITV, gormless unfunny bellowing Northern buffoon Paddy McGuinness's 2012 retrospective, A Funny Old Year, was predictably shit, dear blog reader, and - satisfyingly - mustered a thoroughly rotten 2.41m from 9pm, while Alan Carr's New Year's Specstacular entertained 1.78m on Channel Four. In the battle of the soaps, EastEnders was watched by 6.32m on BBC1 whilst Emmerdale achieved 5.98m and two episodes of Coronation Street pulled in 6.85m and 6.58m respectively. On BBC2, Jools' Annual Hootenanny brought in the New Year with 2.35m viewers.

Renowned physicist Professor Stephen Hawking is set to appear in the latest Go Compare advert - and hurtle the comanay's much-hated tenor into a black hole. The former Lucasian professor at mathematics at Cambridge is the latest celebrity to star in the website's adverts - where well-known figures plot to destroy the fictitious opera singer Gio Compario. The advert, which will be shown for the first time on New Year's Day, sees the seventy-year-old announce to a packed lecture theatre that he has discovered how to generate a super massive black hole. When asked what he will do with the knowledge, the scene cuts to the opera singer - played by Wynne Evans - haranguing a couple in the street before a black hole forms behind him and sucks him in. The wheelchair-bound scientist is then shown laughing. Professor Hawking, now director of research at Cambridge's Centre for Theoretical Cosmology, said: 'I confess I am a fan of the Go Compare adverts, but I am also an opera fan, so I was delighted to be given the opportunity to help save the nation and silence Gio. I hope the public find it as funny as I did.' Stephen joins a list of celebrities who have starred in the adverts this year which show people attempting to do away with the moustachioed tenor. A Question Of Sport host Sue Barker, former footballer Stuart Pearce, survival expert Ray Mears and camp dancer Louie Spence have all featured.

Despite being the most common form of cancer in men and the fourth most common cancer overall, prostate cancer lies twentieth in the 'league table' of annual cancer research spend per case diagnosed, new figures show. Breast cancer – the most common female cancer which has a similar death rate to prostate cancer – received more than double the annual research spend with four hundred and seventeen quid per case diagnosed compared to eight hundred and fifty three knicker. Leukaemia receives the most research funding, from Government and charities combined, per case diagnosed at three thousand nine hundred and three notes, followed by ovarian cancer and and cancers of the brain and central nervous system. Breast cancer is seventh in the table, behind myeloma, testicular cancer and cervical cancer. The figures were published by Prostate Cancer UK to mark the launch of a new fund-raising campaign, The Sledgehammer Fund, fronted by actor Bill Bailey. Prostate cancer kills one man every hour and is predicted to become the most common cancer of all in the UK by 2030. Bill, whose father-in-law has survived prostate cancer, is determined to help Prostate Cancer UK expose the scale of the disease, and the fact it has suffered a legacy of underfunding and ignorance. He said: 'I feel very strongly about this. I read a news article about the number of men affected by prostate cancer and I was shocked by the figures. I had no idea it was so common – but, if caught early enough, can be successfully treated. My father-in-law was diagnosed with prostate cancer, treated, and now leads a fulfilling life so it can be done – but over ten thousand men every year in the UK are not so lucky.'

A mouse made a surprise appearance during a live weather forecast on BBC Three Counties radio. Weather presenter Kate Kinsella said the rodent appeared at the top of her computer screen before falling onto her keyboard in front of her when she was live on-air during presenter Iain Lee's programme. She said: 'Even my professionalism could not manage to hold in the shriek that inevitably followed.'

Two things which all students love almost as much as avoiding work and not washing are daytime quiz show Countdown and the word 'minge.' And, when you put those things together you have some potential gold.

Test Match Special commentator Christopher Martin-Jenkins has died of cancer at the age of sixty seven. Martin-Jenkins joined the BBC in 1970 and commentated on his first match, a one-day international, in 1972. In 1973 he succeeded Brian Johnston as the BBC's cricket correspondent, a post he then held until 1991, with a four-year break between 1981 and 1984. He was cricket correspondent of the Daily Torygraph from 1991 to 1999 and of The Times from 1999 to 2008. His colleague Jonathan Agnew paid tribute to his friend. 'CMJ, as he was widely known, was one of cricket's most respected writers and broadcasters,' said Agnew, the BBC's current cricket correspondent. 'With modern media now preferring the views and experiences of former Test match cricketers, Christopher's authority and respect was not gained from a high-profile playing career, but a deep-rooted love of the game linked to a strong protective instinct which helped him earn the most coveted position of president of the MCC. Listeners to Test Match Special were all too familiar with CMJ's eccentricities - like going to the wrong ground for the start of a Test match. His legendary, chaotic time-keeping was very much part of his charm. Considering the years he worked as editor of The Cricketer magazine, and as correspondent for the BBC twice, the Daily Telegraph and The Times and forty years commentating on Test Match Special and the many books he wrote, it is doubtful that anyone has contributed more in a lifetime to the overall coverage of cricket than Christopher Martin-Jenkins.' Former England captain Sir Ian Botham tweeted: 'Very sad to hear of the death of "The Major", Christopher Martin-Jenkins. Our thoughts are with the family. A true gentleman.' Test Match Special producer Adam Mountford said: 'CMJ was one of the voices of the English summer - a true gentleman who embraced the changes in cricket whilst acting as a guardian of its traditions and values. Quite simply he will be remembered as one of the legendary characters of cricket writing and broadcasting,' he continued. 'The thoughts of all of us on TMS are with Judy and his family.' Mike Griffith, current president of the MCC, said: 'CMJ will be sorely missed. I was fortunate to know him from his schooldays at Marlborough College and we became good friends. As a commentator and journalist he was passionate about upholding the values of the game and always expressed his views with clarity and humour. Everyone at MCC shares the sadness now being felt by the cricketing world that his live commentaries will never be heard again.' Wisden editor Lawrence Booth also paid tribute describing CMJ as 'warm voice from childhood and beyond.' Martin-Jenkins was a more than useful schoolboy cricketer for Marlborough and also played for Surrey's Second XI. His journalistic talents were encouraged by the legendary EW Swanton and he joined The Cricketer magazine as Swanson's assistant editor in 1968. Martin-Jenkins was given an MBE in 2009 and served as the MCC's president in 2010 and 2011. His son, Robin, played county cricket for Sussex before retiring in 2010.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self is not, normally, a big fan of Twitter as many dear blog readers will recall. However, just occasionally ...

Liam Gallagher has taken a pot shot at Mumford and Sons by saying the band 'look like they've got fucking nits.' The Beady Eye frontman was talking to Q magazine when he took aim at the multi-award winning folk-rock combo. He said: 'Everyone looks like they've got fucking nits and eat lentil soup with their sleeves rolled up. They all look like they live on the heath. Maybe that's where they record. Everyone's fucking Don McLean — far too many acoustic guitars, no style,' he continued. 'They look like they shop at Oxfam. I wouldn't put any posters up of any band if I was a sixteen-year-old lad. There's none of that sitting down on fucking stools for me, sweetheart.'

For From The North's opening Keith Telly Topping's 33 of the Day for 2013, dear blog reader, here's a dash of yer actual Clash.