Vote For We

David Tennant is set to make his American television debut in the lead role of a comedy legal drama. The former Doctor Who will star as a Chicago lawyer who suffers from panic attacks and coaches his clients to represent themselves in court. The NBC hour-long pilot is titled Rex Is Not Your Lawyer. David Semel, who directed the pilot for successful TV series Heroes, will helm the production. Tennant's last episodes as the Doctor will be screened within the next two months. 'I think it's better to go when there's a chance that people might miss you, rather than to hang around and outstay your welcome,' he said. Tennant made his name in TV dramas such as Blackpool and Casanova. He started his career in theatre and in recent months has returned to the stage with well-received performances in Hamlet and Love's Labour's Lost for the Royal Shakespeare Company. Meanwhile, Tennant's appearance boosted ratings for The Sarah Jane Adventures by around thirty per cent last week, according to overnight viewing figures. The Doctor's role in The Wedding Of Sarah Jane Smith - which also starred Nigel Havers - was watched by 1.14m at 4.35pm on Friday. The first half of the story, in which Tennant appeared in the final scene, had brought in 1.27m the day before. The previous week's episodes had managed figures of around seven hundred thousand.

And, speaking of series with unexpectedly impressive ratings, Benidorm is currently becoming something of a surprise hit for ITV on Friday nights. Which is great - it's a jolly good (and very funny) show - but it does, sadly, mean that the audience of The Armstrong and Miller Show on BBC1 is being squeezed as a result. And, it has to be said that, despite Benidorm's many excellent qualities, of the two, yer Keith Telly Topping vastly prefers Xander and Ben's effortlessly witty little sketch show. With its array of smart random jokes and wry genre pranks and all that stuff. And shit. Isn't it? And he's not lying, neither.

MasterChef is said to be finally heading to the States - featuring Gordon Ramsay. The FOX network has picked up the rights from Reveille, part of the Shine Group whose subsidiary Shine Television produces the long-running cookery show in Britain. The series will run either twelve or fifteen hour-long episodes and will be co-produced with Ramsay's US production company, One Potato Two Potato. Ramsay will appear on the show in a role that has yet to be specified. The celebrity chef, who already features in FOX's Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares, will also host a live hour-long special, Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live, for the network on 15 December. The details of the MasterChef show are still in the process of being finalised but it is expected to resemble Australian MasterChef, which shares more in common with The X Factor than the BBC version of the show. Australian MasterChef invites amateurs from around the country to audition for a slot on the series by creating a new dish for a panel of three judges. The successful candidates then proceed to a knock out competition. MasterChef Australia was always seen as a potential way of launching the franchise in the US, but it also performed phenomenally well in its own right. The series final secured more than a seventy per cent audience share down under when it was broadcast earlier this year, the biggest audience share of any non-sporting event that the country has even seen. Shine has been looking at a US launch for MasterChef for some years, and appears to see this as a key to launching the format worldwide. The group has been building the MasterChef brand in the UK with a trio of spin-offs: MasterChef the Professionals, Celebrity MasterChef and most recently Junior MasterChef for CBBC.

Zöe Lucker has admitted that she was 'gutted' over the circumstances of her dramatic exit from Strictly Come Dancing at the weekend. The Footballers' Wives actress made a surprise departure from the show after finding herself, unexpectedly, in the dance-off with Ali Bastian. Lucker, and her professional partner James Jordan, had earlier scored thirty two points out of forty for their samba routine. Speaking on It Takes Two, she said: 'It's such an emotional, amazing journey and experience. And then it just stops. It's a weird thing to come to terms with. You get so used to working with this person everyday, and me and James get on so well, we're very sad and we're grieving.' When asked why they thought the public didn't vote for them, Jordan replied: 'It is a dancing show, but at the same time it is about popularity. I don't mean that in a horrible way. People are just trying to save the celebrities in a vulnerable position - like Craig Kelly - to make sure they come back next week. When you are near the top of the leaderboard, people think you are safe and don't vote. That's the way it works unfortunately.'

Strictly producers have reportedly decided not to separate warring judges Craig Revel Horwood and Len Goodman. The experts clashed on Saturday night's show after Horwood claimed that ex-EastEnders actor Ricky Groves had danced in 'a very conceited' manner. Goodman was seen pointing his finger angrily towards his fellow judge before branding his remark unconstructive. Public hopes that the pair would take it outside for a rumble in the car park were, however, dashed by the intervention of Brucie saying 'leave it, Len, he's not worth it.' Sacked Strictly judge, Arlene Phillips (remember her?) has since called for the pair to be kept apart in future. However, according to the Mirror, show producers do not intend to change the seating order. An insider joked: 'We might keep a bucket of water handy in case sparks fly.' Goodman accused Horwood of acting like a bully on It Takes Two earlier in the week. However, the choreographer made no apologies for his criticism. Speaking on the BBC's Breakfast programme, Horwood said: 'Len gets very attached to the contestants and I, of course, try to avoid that so I can judge properly. When you're dancing like a robot, as Ricky was, I think that's got to be mentioned.' Subsequently, in an interview with Heat magazine Goodman mocked his fellow judges for wearing too much make-up. He that he does not understand why Revel Horwood and Tonioli are 'so obsessed with eye shadow and eyeliner and God only knows what. Bruno and Craig have the most make-up on, I really don't get it and would rather have nothing on if I could. They go to town, though, and when they get back to their dressing rooms, they slap on even more of their own.'

So, Len and Craig won't be separated. But, Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue were on The X Factor's judging panel at the weekend because Simon Cowell found their interactions boring, a report has claimed. Minogue was ordered to swap seats with Louis Walsh before Saturday's show. The new seating order remained in place for the following night's episode. A source has now told the Daily Record: 'It was on Simon's say-so. He wasn't that happy with the show a week ago. He felt it was a bit boring and decided it needed shaking up a bit. So he opted to move Louis up the panel this week and Dannii down to the end. He just doesn't think there is enough banter and interaction between the girls - they lack chemistry. It's certainly ruffled feathers - Louis is quite relaxed about the move but Dannii was not at all happy.' Cowell was said to have 'raged' at Cole and Minogue backstage after a recent live episode. Press reports at the time claimed that he had ordered the pair to stop treating The X Factor 'like a fashion show.'

The X Factor's terrible-twins (allegedly) John and Edward Grimes will sing Ray Parker Jr's hit 'Ghostbusters' on this coming weekend's show. The Irish brothers have been rehearsing the song, which was used in the Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd film of the same name, in preparation for Saturday's Songs From The Movies theme. According to the Mirror, the duo will wear the jumpsuits made famous by the film. Songs From The Movies was last used on The X Factor in 2007, when winner Neon-Leon Jackson performed Michael Bublé's 'Home.' The year before, Leona Lewis memorably sang 'Lady Marmalade' and gave all the lads watching the horn. Well, she did. What you all looking at me like that for? Producers have reportedly denied suggestions that John and Edward have been 'set up' to win The X Factor from the earliest phases of this year's show. The twins won their place at Boot Camp after auditioning in Glasgow in May, but Irish TV footage has also shown the duo present at the London O2 auditions three days earlier, the Sun reports. However, a show spokeswoman said: 'There is always a pre-audition in front of the judges. They did a pre-audition in London then were asked to audition for the judges. They were given a choice of Glasgow or London. They couldn't make London so they went to Glasgow.'

The mother of X Factor contestant Danyl Johnson has defended her son against allegations of bullying. Marie Burgess told New magazine that she is 'surprised and disappointed' by the tabloid rumours that Johnson has faced in recent weeks. Louis Walsh publicly accused Johnson of bullying the girl group Kandy Rain last month. The group later described the singing schoolteacher as 'fake and arrogant.' Meanwhile, celebrity X Factor fan Derren Brown has said he hopes Danyl wins the competition. The illusionist, who appeared as a guest on last weekend's Xtra Factor, wrote on his blog that he is a big fan of the singer. Brown said: 'Danyl is delightful. If he is at all cocky then he shares it with the other over-twenty fives. All the contestants have been thrown into the same revolting world of instant celebrity that ruins so many and they all deal with it according to their means. The older singers just seem to lap it up a little more. They are already acting like celebrities in a way that the younger ones are not.' He added: 'Of course to a public that feels (probably wrongly) that they are creating these stars, there is something more endearing about the baffled humility of the younger contestants.' Meanwhile, another pro-celebrity X Factor commentator, Ian Wright, has described the judges as 'a joke.' Well, you'd certainly know all about that, Wrighty. Stick to trying to improve your own show's three hundred thousand audience before you start criticising something that's getting over thirteen million.

Heather Mills has responded angrily to a newspaper journalist who accused her of using the fact that she has a prosthetic limb for sympathy. The ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney was pictured with her left trouser-leg rolled up as she trained for ITV skating show Dancing On Ice last week. Daily Mail columnist, and right nasty piece of work, Amanda Platell commented: 'Heather Mills is so desperate to get on to the TV series Dancing On Ice that she has recruited a trainer and is out practising on the local ice rink. One question: Why does she roll up one trouser leg to show her prosthetic limb, yet leaves the other leg covered? Not still milking the sympathy vote, are we, pet?' Mills has hit back at the journalist on her Twitter page, accusing Platell of being offensive and ignorant. Yep. Sounds about right. The former model complained: 'Amanda Platell is why women are given a bad name. Ignorant and lazy journalist Amanda Platell slates me for trying to skate with one limb. She said I kept my trouser leg rolled up to show off my prosthetic, UNTRUE. It was rolled up so Bob Watts the prosthetist could see the alignment and work out why I could not do crossovers without catching my blade and falling over. If the lazy woman did her homework, she would understand how near impossible it is to skate with one limb to raise money for a needy charity programme, and she would know this was a private lesson, no cameras allowed, someone obviously sneaked a pic and she presumes the worst. How about a face to face, Ms Platell?' Are you offering her out for a fight, Heather? Cos, I've got to say, I reckon Amanda could probably chin you with one hand tied behind her back. You're a welterweight, she's a bit bigger. Not that beating up a cripple is a particularly nice thing for anyone to do or, indeed, for anyone to even contemplate doing. However, unlike most people who get abused by the Daily Mail, most individuals actually couldn't give a monkey's stuff about what they say about Mills, who lost her left leg after being hit by a police motorbike in 1993.

Unlike, say, the Oscar-winning actress Kate Winslet who has accepted twenty five thousand pounds libel damages over a claim made by the Mail that she lied about her exercise regime. Now, that's more like the Mail we know and loathe. The settlement was reportedly agreed at London's High Court on Tuesday, but the actress was not present for the hearing. In May, the thirty four-year-old filed legal papers saying she was 'distressed and embarrassed' by the feature. In a statement Kate said: 'I am delighted that the Mail have apologised for making false allegations about me.' She added: 'I was particularly upset to be accused of lying about my exercise regime and felt that I had a responsibility to request an apology in order to demonstrate my commitment to the views that I have always expressed about body issues, including diet and exercise. I strongly believe that women should be encouraged to accept themselves as they are, so to suggest that I was lying was an unacceptable accusation of hypocrisy.'

David Walliams has revealed that he and Matt Lucas are working on a new series. Which will, hopefully, be a bit funnier than the last one they wrote together. The Little Britain duo are currently scripting a combination sketch-comedy and sitcom, which is expected to broadcast in late 2010, BBC News reports. He said: 'We're really, really excited and just sort of starting work on that now, so hopefully that will be on towards the end of next year. We're confident about it and really pleased with how it's going. But it's very early days.' HBO, which aired the wretched Little Britain USA last year, will co-produce the as-yet-untitled project along with the BBC. Walliams continued: '[HBO] really loved Little Britain USA and wanted us to do more but we felt we wanted to do something fresh. Especially for our audience in Britain.' The thirty eight-year-old added that the creative process is his way of helping Lucas cope with the death of ex-husband Kevin McGee, saying: 'We try and make each other laugh.'

Debra Stephenson has revealed that she had sleepless nights after signing up for her Impressions Show project. The former Coronation Street actress recently teamed up with Jon Culshaw for the eight-part BBC1 Saturday night series. Stephenson told the Mirror that the idea stemmed back from their time on Comic Relief Does Fame Academy in 2005. She explained: 'I did a few impressions in the Fame Academy house in front of Jon and we really connected. It was his idea to do the show, and after I left Corrie he got in touch and it went from there. I feel so deeply flattered that he even wanted to work with me. It's really great fun, but I have been worried too. I've had many sleepless nights worrying about whether I'll be able to pull it off.'

BBC World News is now attracting a larger peaktime audience in Europe than American international channel CNN. Figures from a survey of Europe's top earners and decision makers show that in the 6am-9am slot the average audience for World News has risen by twenty four per cent year on year, from fifty one thousand to sixty three thousand. CNN's audience on the other hand fell from sixty four thousand to sixty thousand. In the 7pm-8pm slot, viewing figures for BBC World News rose by forty seven percent year and it is now Europe's most popular news channel, in both morning and evening peak. A delighted Sian Kevill, director BBC World News, said: 'It's a terrific milestone in our relatively short life as a global news channel. This proves that European audiences are now actively seeking our content at the most competitive time of day.' Kevill attributes the audience growth to a strengthened schedule, which includes extending World News Today with Zeinab Badawi to an hour and putting presenters like Jonathan Charles on the road in places like Moscow and Frankfurt. 'I think that has helped to create underlying credibility and illustrate our commitment to international reporting,' she added. The channel has come a long way over the past five years, she continued, but there is still 'more to do' and further schedule changes are planned in the New Year. BBC World News, which attracts seventy four million viewers a week, is available in more than two hundred countries and territories worldwide and reaches two hundred and ninety two million households and more than one-and-a-half million hotel rooms. Its content is also available on eighty cruise ships, forty two airlines, thirty five mobile phone networks and a number of online platforms.

Over seven million viewers in the Granada TV region will make the transition from analogue to digital television on Wednesday in the biggest overnight change in UK TV history to date. Shortly after midnight on 4 November, analogue BBC2 will be switched off at the Winter Hill transmitter and its seventy local transmitters covering households in five major North West cities, including Manchester and Liverpool. On 2 December, the remaining analogue channels - BBC1, ITV, Channel 4 and Five - will be permanently switched off, with Freeview signals boosted in their place. Around five hundred thousand viewers will gain access to the Freeview platform in the process. After it started a year ago in Cumbria and the Scottish borders, the digital switchover has transferred TV services of over four million viewers in the UK. However, that will increase dramatically with the switch of over seven million viewers in the Granada TV region alone. Research conducted by Digital UK has indicated that the North West is well prepared for switchover, with ninety nine per cent of adults claiming to be fully aware of the change.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has questioned the size of salaries paid to BBC stars like Jonathan Ross, but said 'entrepreneurs' like Simon Cowell 'deserved' their money. Speaking to Piers Morgan in GQ magazine, Brown - on-record as being 'a fan of The X Factor' - said Cowell deserved the millions he earned because 'entrepreneurs had ideas, then put them into practice.' But he added there was a feeling of 'unfairness' over the sums of money being paid to some TV stars at the BBC. Nothing like the feeling of ferocious anger that most of the population have of lice-scum politicians fiddling their expense claims and then trying to weasel their way out of it, of course. Just, you know, for a bit of perspective there for you Mr Prime Minister. Sir. When asked: 'Is it right that someone like Jonathan Ross gets eighteen million pounds from the BBC?,' Brown said: 'The BBC has got to seriously consider its salary structure.' Instead of, as he should have asked, 'how much are you paid then, Piers?' Sycophant. ITV and BBC have both said that stars' salaries would be cut this year as part of an ongoing efficiency drive when their contracts came up for renewal. Last week the BBC also announced it would cut the amount it spends on the salaries of some six hundred and forty senior managers by a quarter over the next three-and-a-half years, and shed eighteen per cent of its senior managers to save twenty million pounds a year. Separately, Brown claimed that he was not bothered by Andrew Marr asking him if he took medication for depression, but added: 'I've been honest about it. I really dislike the trivialisation of politics.' Interesting comments from someone who's likely to be on Jobseeker's Allowence within the next nine months.

NBC's 30 Rock scored a zero audience rating in its German television debut on Sunday night. The Emmy-award winning comedy had fewer than five thousand viewers in Germany, reports Variety magazine. The series' debut was allegedly lower than the lowest forecast of German broadcaster ZDFNeo. The niche digi channel made the Tina Fey-starring programme its flagship show for its relaunch which promised 'cutting-edge television' in an effort to attract more young male viewers. It is unknown at this time if ZDFNeo will continue airing 30 Rock. The show is currently in its fourth season in the US.

Fiona Phillips has admitted that she does not want to become a full-time mother. The presenter had decided to leave as a GMTV anchor last December because, she said at the time, she wished to spend more time with her sons, Nathaniel and Mackenzie. Asked if she was enjoying being at home more often, Phillips replied: 'Yes, but I'd be lying if I said I wanted to be a full-time mum, because I don't. I adore my sons, but I've worked since the age of eleven and need to be stretched." The forty eight-year-old told New magazine that she will soon be seen fronting a festive-themed ITV show which is due to broadcast in December.

Lost actor Naveen Andrews has reportedly signed up for a guest stint on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. According to TV Guide, the forty-year-old London-born star - nice-guy torturer Sayid Jarrah on the ABC series - will begin shooting his scenes in the next week in New York. Details of his role are yet to be revealed, but his episode is scheduled to air in early January 2010.

Flight of the Conchords' Jemaine Clement has revealed that the musical comedy show may not return for a third season. The actor, who stars in the HBO show alongside Bret McKenzie, said that the future of the programme needs to be discussed with director James Bobin. Clement told Reuters: 'It very likely might not [return for a third season]. It could come back in a shorter season or like a special.' HBO spokeswoman Nancy Lesser added: 'We've left their future entirely in their hands. We would love to have more.'

Mel B is said to have 'angered' residents of her home city of Leeds by describing it as 'intimidating and depressing.' Well, if it is (and, Keith Telly Topping's been there a few times and had somewhat mixed experiences, frankly) then you don't really wanna be pissing off the locals by telling them that they're all a bunch of scum. The Spice Girl, who now lives in Los Angeles (now, there's somewhere that is intimidating and depressing, in parts!) recently returned to the Yorkshire city for a week as part of television programme Seven Days On The Breadline. She told the Daily Mail: 'Despite the fact that I was born in Leeds and grew up on another council estate in the city, I was genuinely shocked at the level of deprivation and the absence of hope I found when I went back.' She added: 'It's certainly a world away from the glamour of Los Angeles where I now live what is, admittedly, a very privileged life.' Just thought you'd mention that to rub it in, did you Mel? One local ranted to the Daily Star: 'As far as I'm concerned, she's ain't [sic] welcome here anymore. You only have to see the way she behaved while she was here to realise it's her who has changed, not us.' And, that was the Mayor.

Kirstie Alley is reportedly preparing to make her TV comeback in a new reality show based on her life. The former Cheers star, who has struggled with her weight over the past few years, has designed her own weight loss plan for the A&E network show.

A luckless Indian romeo is suing Lynx after he failed to land a single girlfriend during seven years of using their products. Vaibhav Bedi, aged twenty six, is seeking twenty six thousand pounds from parent company Unilever for the 'depression and psychological damage' caused by 'the lack of any Lynx effect.' Court officials in New Delhi have agreed to order forensic laboratory tests on dozens of his half-used Lynx body washes, shampoos, anti-perspirants and hair gels. Lynx - marketed as Axe in India - is famous for its saucy adverts showing barely clothed women throwing themselves at men. But Bedi says in his court petition: 'The company cheated me because in its advertisements, it says women will be attracted to you if you use Axe. I used it for seven years but no girl came to me.' But, Vaibhav, think if you hadn't used it, you'd've stank. When contacted Unilever declined to comment on the case. But India's leading compensation litigator Ram Jethmalani warned: 'There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don't attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys.' Oh, name names, please! 'I'd suggest that the company settles this issue out of court.' I wonder if Carter-Ruck know about this guy, he sounds like he'd be their sort of lawyer.

A passenger on an air force display team shot himself one hundred metres into the sky when he accidentally activated the ejector seat. The man was reaching for something to steady himself during a mid-air manoeuvre when he pulled on the black and yellow emergency handle between his legs. As soon as it was activated, the ejection sequence activated two rockets attached to the back of his chair, shooting him through the jet's perspex canopy. The man, who has not been named, later floated back down to Earth on a parachute which opened automatically. South African Air Force bosses scrambled a helicopter to pick up the passenger after the blunder near Langebaanweg airfield, eighty miles north of Cape Town. The incident happened shortly after he took off for a joyride in the Pilatus PC-7 Mk II jet with an experienced pilot from the Silver Falcons air display team. Experts said the man was lucky to escape unharmed following the bizarre incident.

A US wildlife officer's decision to bring a five foot alligator into his daughter's school for a 'show-and-tell' lesson backfired when it escaped. Dave Brady had recently captured the reptile and thought he'd bring it into his daughters class, with its mouth taped shut, in Florida. Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission spokesman Stan Kirkland said it proved a hit with the class: 'They were impressed,' he said. Things started to go wrong when Mr Brady loaded the alligator back into his truck after the school visit in Panama City Beach. 'Most people don't think they can jump, but they have an amazing ability to jump,' Mr Kirkland said. 'They can not only jump, they can run!'

Baffled bank staff refused to fork out cash when a robber threatened them - with a spoon. The ginger-haired crook burst into the branch in Lublin, Poland, brandishing the cutlery shouting: 'This is a stick up.' Only, presumably, in Polish. Staff and customers threw themselves to the ground until they realised the robber was simply packing a stainless steel spoon. The would-be robber fled empty-handed with the laughter of his would-be victims ringing in his ears. But police are not taking the incident lightly and have launched an investigation and a manhunt into the attempted robbery. Police spokeswoman, Renata Laszczka-Rusek, said: 'It's a weird one but he broke the law and we want to find him.'

The BBC are understood to have received a number of complaints about Radio 4's The Unbelievable Truth - transmitted on 26 October. The complaints have, seemingly, been from people who claimed to have been offended by a joke about Anne Frank's last diary entry stating that her father had bought her a drum kit for her birthday. Well, it made me laugh.

Licence To Be Killed?

A review of Conservative media policy - led by the former BBC director general Greg Dyke - will recommend scrapping the licence fee to save more than one hundred million pounds a year the Guardian has claimed. Under the proposal, the money which the BBC spends on administering and enforcing the annual fee would, instead, be ploughed into a fund to pay for public service broadcasting on commercial channels – possibly including local news. The BBC would still be publicly funded, but its annual three and a half billion pound income would be drawn from general taxation or via a government grant. Radical idea. And, not one that Keith Telly Topping is, necessarily, wholly opposed to although in either case there would need to be a cast-iron, set-by-law, guarantee of the BBC's independence in matters of political coverage from whoever is the government of the day. Otherwise, it would, effectively, become Pravda. 'This is definitely an area that Greg is interested in and thinks needs to be raised and explored,' a review source told the grotty Communists at the Gruniad. 'It will be in the report.' The BBC would oppose any attempt to break the historic link between the corporation and the licence fee on the grounds that it would threaten the corporation's independence from the government. Yeah, that's the drawback. Dyke is heading a panel of twelve senior industry figures including production company boss Elisabeth Murdoch. The panel was asked to formulate policy proposals on the creative sectors by David Cameron, the Conservative party leader, and the resulting report is expected to be published next month. Dyke has refused to comment before publication, but the former BBC, LWT and TV-am boss has criticised the licence fee in the past, describing it as 'a desperately unfair tax' in a speech last year. He also argued the availability of TV programmes online would make the charge more difficult to collect.

Gregory Itzin is to return for a multi-episode stint on the upcoming eighth season of 24. According to Entertainment Weekly, Itzin's hugely popular character - the maniacal former President Charles Logan - will return towards the end of the season at the request of President Taylor (Cherry Jones). To do sneaky underhand stuff that Jack Bauer won't approve of, no doubt. Excellent. Logan's assistance will apparently be required to help resolve 'an escalating diplomatic crisis.' Logan was last seen, briefly, in season six being stabbed - apparently to death - by his crazed ex-wife, Martha.

As mentioned in passing on this blog last week, BBC4 is to turn the recent MPs expenses scandal into a comedy-drama directed by Simon Cellan Jones. Jones, whose previous credits include Generation Kill, The Trial Of Tony Blair and Our Friends In The North, will direct The Heather Brooke Story (still a working title). The sixty-minute drama aims to tell the story of a journalist's five-year campaign to get MPs' expense claims disclosed under the Freedom of Information Act. Research and development has already begun on the film, which is written by Tony Saint (Margaret Thatcher: The Long Walk To Finchley, Micro Men). Shooting is scheduled for December and broadcast is expected in early 2010. The story follows Brooke, an American living in London, who was writing a book on the Freedom of Information Act. In 2004 she approached the House of Commons asking about MPs' expenses, and found her legitimate requests declined.

Well-known face-ache and drag Arlene Phillips has admitted that she was shocked by the latest Strictly Come Dancing result. Well, so were lots of other ordinary viewers who - like you - are not judges on the show, love. What's your point? Saturday's show saw Zöe Lucker being eliminated from the competition after she was voted to dance-off against Ali Bastian. Phillips has now suggested that viewers backed the wrong contestants on the night, claiming that neither star deserved to be in the bottom two. So there's somebody else telling their viewers they're morons. Do all people in television really have the tact of a mollusc or is it just this particular show? She told the Sun: 'It was an absolute shocker of an exit. How they ended up in the bottom two is baffling.' Because people voted them that way, Arlene. You know, like they kept on voting for John Sergeant last year because they knew it made your lip curl in a very amusing way. The choreographer also confessed that she is not a fan of former Coronation Street actor Craig Kelly, who was saved by voters after receiving just twenty four points from the judges on Saturday. Phillips asked: 'Could the public be voting for personality rather than ability? Unlikely when Craig Kelly has the personality of a sand dune.' Oh, excellent. We've got ourselves a bit of a pot-kettle-black situation here, kids!

Meanwhile, the head of the Strictly judges that didn't get sacked, Len Goodman has accused his fellow (non-sacked) judge, Craig Revel Horwood, of acting like a bully. Goodman rowed with Horwood and Bruno Tonioli on Saturday's live show, after the duo criticised soap star Ricky Groves's performance on the dancefloor. Tonioli said that Groves was 'terrible' and Horwood claimed that 'the entire routine was very conceited.' Annoyed by their comments, Goodman poked his finger at Horwood and defended the ex-EastEnders actor and his professional partner Erin Boag. Speaking on It Takes Two about the spat, he stated: 'What I felt bad about was with Ricky and Erin - Ricky had a really tough dance with the rumba. Alesha had a moan, Bruno had a moan and then Craig went at it again. I felt sorry for Ricky. Bullies are my worse people. Don't be a bully, Craig.' Horwood insisted that he behaved correctly with his criticism, commenting: 'I'm entitled to my opinion and so is Bruno. That's why we're there. Then out of nowhere, Len has this big old argument. I'm not trying to be personal, we've discussed this before. Len has a right to argue and defend Latin and ballroom, I'm from a very different world of directing and choreographing, but I'm still entitled to my opinion.'

Rachel Adedeji become the fourth act to be voted off The X Factor on Sunday. Adedeji found herself in the bottom two for the third time after the public vote. She was joined by Lloyd Daniels and both acts were required to perform a song of their choice in an effort to win the judges' votes. Adedeji was first to perform, choosing the Noel Gallagher song 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out'. Daniels, who was suffering with a sore throat, followed her with a rendition of 'You Are So Beautiful.' During his performance his voice cracked, causing him to shake his head and say 'Sorry.' The judges then had to decide who to save. Dannii Minogue decided to save her own act, Adedeji, as did Louis Walsh. Cheryl Cole saved her own act, Daniels, leaving Simon Cowell with the final vote. 'Undoubtedly, Rachel sang better than Lloyd,' he said. Actually, he didn't, he said she's sang 'better than Olly' before Louis pointed out that Olly, actually, wasn't in the sing-off. 'Having said that, [Lloyd] can't even talk, let alone sing. The thing is you've been in the bottom two three times now, Rachel, which tells me the public aren't getting you. I'd like the public to decide.' And, the public did. As a result, the decision went to deadlock, meaning that the act with the fewest public votes would be sent home. Host Dermot O'Leary announced that Adedeji received the fewest votes. After hearing the decision, Rachel burst into tears and said: 'Thank you to everyone who has supported me. It's been amazing, I got to meet so many amazing people and great judges. I'm so grateful.' Or, at least I think that's what she said.

Meanwhile, it is alleged that Cheryl Cole hit Simon Cowell after he poked fun at her dress on Saturday night. The Girls Aloud star was - allegedly - 'left furious' after Cowell warned her live on-air that she was in danger of falling out of her frock. According to the Sun, Cole went on to 'belt' the music mogul when the show went to an advert break. Did anybody happen to film that, by any chance? Cos I'm pretty sure a fair number of viewers would rather like to see it. She is also said to have shouted: 'Why did you do that? What did you do that for?' A source said: 'Cheryl tried to compose herself, but she was furious at Simon. She felt there was no need to mention it on air - he could have waited and said something discreetly. But the dress was risqué. From the side you could see everything. Some of the risqué outfits just don't work outside of a fashion shoot.'

Simon Cowell has said that he does not consider himself to be a nasty person. In a bit of minority of one there, Sime. The X Factor boss made the comments after he was interviewed by children on the day of his appointment as the new patron of Children's Hospices UK, BBC's Newsbeat reports. Cowell said: 'I think one of them asked if I wore Y-fronts or boxers or something. My favourite question was at the end - "Why are you evil?" And the answer, "It's more fun than being nice." I've never honestly considered myself to be nasty. Whatever people think of me genuinely is sort of irrelevant. Judging a talent show is a job, this is the real world.' He added of his new appointment: '[I wanted to give] a little bit back. Let's be honest, I've got a lot out of what I've done basically from support from the public. They've given me an awful lot. I have a great life, I enjoy my jobs but everything that's happened to me has happened through public support.'

Heather Mills is to compete against a relative of her ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney on the next series of Dancing On Ice, a report has suggested. According to the Sun, show producers have signed up nineteen-year-old actress Emily Atack, who is the daughter of McCartney's cousin Kate Robbins. Mills has already been linked to the ITV skating show in a number of recent press reports. She has also been spotted by pro-celebrity stalkers training at an ice rink close to her home in East Sussex. A source said: 'Heather is currently unaware that Emily is also going on the show. Emily's involvement in the show is supposed to be top secret, but she has been practising. She has never skated before, but touch wood the training is going well and she's not had any accidents so far. Emily's extended family are all very close. She'll have met Paul many times. She'll have met Heather too - though it is doubtful Heather will react well to learning that a relative of Paul's will be competing against her on Dancing On Ice.' Atack is best known for playing Charlotte Hinchcliffe in Channel 4 sitcom The Inbetweeners. Talented family that. Except to Ted Robbins, of course.

Former European and Commonwealth boxing champion Joe Bugner is being lined-up to take part in the new series of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!, a tabloid report has claimed. The reality show's producers are hoping that the fifty nine-year-old hard man will put in impressive performances in the Bushtucker Trials, according to the Daily Star. A source commented: 'He's still rough and tough.' Bugner (seen right about to get a proper chinning off Muhammed Ali) moved to Australia after retiring from boxing in 1977 (although he did make an - initially quite successful - comeback in the 90s). He went on to open a vineyard with his wife. So, he'll be used to dealing with (and possibly eating) insects. Not an Ant and Dec reference in case you were wondering.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer's legendary queen-of-the-pithy-one-liner, Charisma Carpenter, is to guest-star on a forthcoming episode of Legend of the Seeker. The thirty nine-year-old actress (and pin-up for an entire generation of spotty geeks, including Keith Telly Topping) was best known for her role as Coredlia Chase on Buffy and its spin-off Angel. She will play the warrior Triana in the Sam Raimi-produced Seeker, reports Entertainment Weekly. Since Angel ended in 2005, Charisma has guest-starred on a number of US series as diverse as CSI, Greek, Charmed, the short-lived Back To You and, most memorably, a recurring-role on Veronica Mars.

Elsewhere in Hollywood, the great Robert Wagner will guest star on a forthcoming episode of CBS drama NCIS. The former Hart to Hart actor will play the father of Michael Weatherly's Tony DiNozzo, reports Entertainment Weekly. Wagner most recently had a recurring role on Two and a Half Men. The seventy nine-year-old is slated to appear on the one hundred and fiftieth episode of NCIS, which will be broadcast in January. Interesting, Weatherly once portrayed Wagner - in the 2004 TV movie The Mystery of Natalie Wood.

ITV has said they are 'disappointed' after the Office for Fair Trading raised concerns about its sale of Friends Reunited to Brightsolid Group and have referred the deal to the Competition Commission. The OFT said it did not believe there would be enough competition in the genealogy market now or in future to prevent the merged company from reducing services or raising prices. The other main competitor in the UK is Ancestry.co.uk. The Competition Commission is expected to make its report by 16 April 2010. OFT senior director of mergers Amelia Fletcher said the growing interest in genealogy 'made this an increasingly important market. The proposed acquisition would see the three main providers of online genealogy services reduced to two and we are concerned this could lead to a reduction in choice or service for consumers.' In a statement to the stock exchange, ITV said it noted the decision and was 'disappointed by the outcome.'

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse have defended their decision to kill off Juliet Burke on Lost. Speaking to Entertainment Weekly, the show's producers described writing the character out as 'really painful. As the story is now nearing its conclusion, some characters just aren't going make it all the way to the end,' Cuse said. 'Even beloved characters aren't going make it all the way. And sometimes we have to do things that are painful, like killing Juliet, because that's what makes the story feel like the stakes are genuine, and people feel invested that characters who are beloved can actually perish on our show. It was an enormously powerful story that concluded the entire season of the show. So she was sacrificed in service of the story, and I think was hugely responsible for the season being viewed as successful because that was how it ended.' The pair then went on to praise Elizabeth Mitchell, with Lindelof declaring that 'we just love working with Elizabeth.' Cuse added: '[Juliet] will always loom as one of our favorite characters, and even more importantly, favorite people that we've ever worked with on this show.'

EastEnders actress June Brown has said that she cried when she heard castmate Barbara Windsor had decided to leave the soap. Windsor announced that she had decided to leave earlier this week, explaining that she wanted to spend more time with her family. Brown, who plays Dot Cotton on the programme, told the People: 'It really feels like a death in the family. When Bar told me, we both broke into tears and gave each other a big hug. I really can't face life on the show without her. There will still be a few months with Bar around, but when she finally leaves it will be a very sad day for us all. She was more like a sister than a colleague. It will be strange walking into the Queen Vic and not seeing her beaming smile behind the bar.'

Meanwhile, the EastEnders executive producer, Diederick Santer, will step down in February and will be replaced by former Hollyoaks producer Bryan Kirkwood. Santer, who has held the role for almost three and a half years, will leave the soap after its Twenty Fifth anniversary celebrations in February and March. He will continue to work for BBC Drama production as an executive producer with special responsibility for developing new shows that can be internationally co-produced. Santer will be tasked with identifying and developing dramas that can be made in-house in conjunction with BBC Worldwide in Los Angeles. Santer said he had had a fantastic time working in 'the best job in telly,' and that he was delighted to be passing the show on to Kirkwood. 'Bryan's a vastly talented and original producer with a brilliant storylining mind,' he said.

Former Coronation Street actress Angela Griffin has reconfirmed her interest in being part of the soap's Fiftieth anniversary celebrations. The thirty three-year-old, who played hairdresser Fiona Middleton for five years in the mid-1990s, told the Press Association that she would like to attend the show's birthday party at the very least. Asked if fans could expect to see her back, Griffin replied: 'If I get invited. Hopefully they'll just have a big party. I love a party.' The actress added that Simon Gregson (Steve McDonald), Tracy Shaw (Maxine Peacock) and Glen Hugill (Alan McKenna) are among the former co-stars she has been in contact with recently. She said: 'I saw Simon at the TV Quick Awards, I don't know if he remembers anything about the conversation that I had with him. I speak to Tracy Shaw every so often and the lovely Glen Hugill was at the TV Quick Awards and we text each other as well, so I keep in touch vaguely.' In March, Griffin claimed that she was a 'terrible' actress in Coronation Street and wanted to redeem herself with a new stint.

The expedition guide for a BBC children's programme tracing the footsteps of African explorer David Livingstone has died after being charged by an elephant, the corporation has announced. Anton Turner, aged thirty eight, was assisting with the filming of an episode of the CBBC series Serious Explorers in Tanzania on Saturday at the time of the tragedy, a spokeswoman said. 'We understand at this stage that he was charged by an elephant and was mortally injured,' she added. A doctor was travelling with the expedition and treated the British citizen and former army officer at the scene, but it was understood that he died shortly after the incident. Three children were also with the party at the time of the elephant charge, but were airlifted from the area soon after the incident. The BBC spokeswoman added: 'Their safety remains a priority…We are also consulting their parents and production of the programme has ceased. Four other children who were also in Tanzania in connection with the programme will also return home. Anton's relatives have been informed and the BBC is arranging for them to fly to Africa as soon as possible. We would like to extend our deepest sympathy to Anton's family and friends.'

Kelly Brook has claimed that TV personalities benefit from 'being mediocre.' The model and occasionally medicore actress told the Guardian that she had been encouraged to tone down her personality when working on TV and in cinema. Errr ... what personality, Kel? Brook said: 'I'm quite loud. When I was in film and TV, people were always saying, "Oh Kelly, make it smaller."' Are you sure they were talking about your performance and not your breast implants, babe? 'I think TV is all about not turning off the public, it's about not being too sexy, not being too much of anything really.' She added: 'The more mediocre you are the better you do because people need to think you're their friend, they don't want to be threatened by you, you've got to be warm, you've got to be not too smart, not too pretty, not too anything.' On the subject of her short-stint as a host on The Big Breakfast in 1999, Brook commented: 'I was eighteen, I've got big boobs, it was my first TV job and people literally sat and scrutinised everything I did and wrote down every mistake. At that age it's hard to deal with. Maybe it was because people thought I hadn't earned it, which I completely respect and understand, but it still was a bit harsh.' Regarding her sacking as a judge after an equally short space of time on Britain's Got Talent, she continued: 'It upset me a bit but it didn't really change my life. I find it really hard to work in TV in this country. It's never worked out for me. There's a lot of jealousy, a lot of egos, a lot of backstabbing, it's not a very nice environment. That's what I've found.' So, hired twice, fired twice and that's because you're not 'mediocre' is the general message, if I understand you correctly? Hmmm ... interesting theory.

Coastal Productions, the Robson Green-owned independent production company behind Place of Execution and Wire in the Blood, is to make its first foray into feature films with an adaptation of the children's book Ways to Live Forever. The film will star Greta Scacchi, Ben Chaplin and Emilia Fox, and focuses on a young boy with leukaemia who wants to live out his dreams that will include drinking beer and kissing a girl and before he dies. The two million pound movie will be filmed in the North East and is one of the first projects that will be supported by Northern Film & Media's North East Content Fund. Other funding will come from Life & Soul Productions and El Capitan Pictures in Spain. Principal photography on the project began on Monday. Ways to Live Forever is an adaptation of the debut novel from Teesside author Sally Nicholls, which won the Waterstones' children's book prize in 2008. Executive producer Sandra Jobling said: 'We are very excited about facilitating on this feature film, and particularly proud that the Spanish and English Production companies readily embraced the idea of shooting in the North East, where the original novel is set. The initial plan was to shoot a week of exteriors here. But with Will and I showing the way of what was possible, they decided to come and shoot the whole film here.'

The Beatles' entire back catalogue has been made available to buy digitally for the first time. The US-based download site BlueBeat is currently selling the songs, which include the band's recently remastered albums, as well as streaming them for users to listen to as many times as they wish, for free. It is currently unclear as to whether EMI or Apple Corps - who must give permission for The Beatles' music to be sold online - have sanctioned the website to sell the songs, NME reports. A spokesperson for Apple Corps said that she didn't believe BlueBeat had the permission to make the band's back-catalogue available.

Week Forty Five: If We All Spit Together We'll Drown Simon and Len

Friday 6 November
It's been a while, dear blog reader, since yer Keith Telly Topping gave Eggheads - 6:00 BBC2 - a jolly good and righteous kicking. If you're very lucky, and you've never seen it before, Jeremy Vine hosts this curiously addictive programme in which each day a new team of challengers take on probably the smuggest quiz team in Great Britain. This is made up of some of the country's quiz champions, including Who Wants To be A Millionaire winner Judith Keppel, Mastermind winner Chris Hughes, three-time World Quiz Champion Kevin Ashman, Fifteen To One winner Daphne Fowler and, gloriously smuggest of the lot, Weakest Link winner CJ de Mooi. A man who comes over on TV as being so smug he's in danger of dying from a smug overdose. This is, of course, always an awkward area to stumble into. In short, criticising clever people simply for being clever can - and frequently does - say more about the person making the claim than about whoever they're criticising. Witness all of those numpties who had a go at Gail Trimble on University Challenge last year for committing the crime of, simply, being bright. My only defence, in this particular case, is that the team of Eggheads are all, undoubtedly, very clever people. But, they seem to want you to know that they're clever people. Can the challengers triumph over the general knowledge giants and walk off with the big cash prize? And, if they do, will that make them as smug as the people they've beaten? Perhaps we'll never care.

Saturday 7 November
We return, after a few weeks relative peace and quiet, to madness that is the Strictly vs X Factor battle. Strictly starts earlier this week - 6:25 BBC1 - due to the BBC's coverage of the Festival of Remembrance and comes from the world renowned Blackpool Tower ballroom. The nine remaining couples will perform either a ballroom routine or a Latin number. Who will be performing their last dance? While the celebrities nervously wait to find out their sorry fate at the hands of the punters, the professional dancers perform a stunning Viennese waltz and Rod Stewart sings. There was big controversy in the last episode over the weekend, of course, with poor Zoë Lucker getting the heave-ho following a dance-off that the judges unanimously branded as 'ludicrous.' The actress - and her partner James Jordan - who danced the samba, were joined in the bottom two by Hollyoaks star Ali Bastian and Brian Fortuna. Bastian and Fortuna's paso doble won the judges' favour, although Bruno Tonioli howled that neither of the two couples should have been facing the chop when there were at least five 'worse' dancing couples than either in the competition. Lucker and Jordan had earlier scored thirty two out of forty for their samba, while Bastian and Fortuna gained one more point for their paso doble. Craig Revel Horwood described the decision as 'a heinous dilemma,' while head judge Len Goodman said that he was dismayed. 'I'm sorry, I know that the viewers can do what they like and it is a popularity contest and all that but this is ludicrous. It is nonsensical,' he said. That's a really good move, Len. Describing your audience as idiots. Maybe you should do something stroppy and dramatic in protest. Like resign. But you won't though, will you? Because there's too much coin at stake. Principles? Yeah ... we've all got plenty of principles, mate. Speaking after the results, Lucker showed considerable more grace and tact than the judges, refusing to pull a bottom lip, like Ray Wilding did a few weeks back, saying that she'd had an 'amazing experience' and praising her dancing partner as 'the best teacher.' This fiasco does nicely illustrate something that many media watchers have realised about these kind of 'audience-participation' shows for a couple of years. Audience reaction simply cannot be predicted. And, in many cases, it is deliberately perverse. Put simply, they seem to really like putting the boot into the judges when they get the chance and giving them a pointed reminder, every now and then, who the real bosses are. Last year on Strictly, memorably, it became a battle of wills between the viewers and Arlene Phillips over the subject of John Sergeant. Guess who won that one in the long term?

Which brings us to The X Factor - 8:00 ITV - and Simon Cowell going public earlier in the week over his 'hope' that the twins don't win the competition because it would 'destroy the show.' This was followed by a new story just about every day up to the weekend where one after another of the show's lackeys got themselves interviewed by one of the tabloids and used the opportunity to pour further scorn on the abilities of these young men. This culminated, on Saturday, with choreographer Brian Friedman comparing listening to John and Edward to 'entering the gates of hell.' In an interview with the News of the World, Friedman claimed that if the twins won X Factor it would make 'a mockery' of the show. You mean, it isn't a mockery, already, Brian? 'They don't deserve to win,' he said. 'I have one word to describe listening to John and Edward's singing - painful. When I think of the twins I think, "I need paracetamol."' Is anybody else expecting this rant to become 'if you vote for them in I'll hold my breath until I turn blue' anytime soon? 'They are such a handful,' continued Friedman, sounding like their mum. 'It would be bad for The X Factor if they won. It's a singing contest, and while they can sort of dance, they are the worst singers.' Friedman explained that working with the brothers is difficult because they lack concentration. 'They live on Planet Jedward,' he said. 'They're so hyperactive it's hard for them to focus. I'm constantly having to "shush" them. I've had to assign them each an assistant to keep them on track - like they're little kids. The worst is when we are doing group rehearsals. I'll be saying, "Lucie, you do this, Olly, you're here"... and then I go to tell John and Edward what to do and they are off talking to the girl dancers in the corner.' Friedman added that he hoped viewers would stop supporting the twins, saying: 'I don't know what the public are voting for. I hope viewers got the wake-up call they needed with Danyl and Miss Frank being bottom two last week - they have to get voting for people who can sing. John and Edward's singing is basically unbearable. Every week I listen to their track for the first time and it's like entering the gates of hell. By the time they get on stage they can pull it off because there is loud music, dancing and backing vocals.' Now, all of that might well be true but those are damned curious comments to come from someone working on the show who is, essentially, dissing his own product. That's normally the job of people like me, surely? Also essentially he's telling the viewers whom they should be voting for. Isn't that rather against the spirit of the competition which is that the public get to decide who stays and who goes. Just like on Big Brother. Just like on Strictly. No matter how insane their choices may be. But then, it's perfectly clear that since Simon Cowell's initiated this campaign of back-stage not-so-much-whispers-but-bellowing, everybody else working on X Factor feels morally in the clear about insulting not only two of their own (very young) contestants but, also, that portion of their audience who disagrees with them and vote for the twins. Is now the moment for a timely reminder to the production of who - exactly - pays whose wages? Which is pretty much exactly what happened on Sunday when, even after a week of being told how 'awful' they are, the public again voted for the twins to stay in the competition. Anyway, Saturday's battle for the crown continues as the eight remaining acts step onto Britain's biggest stage for the fifth live show. Each of the performers will be hoping to impress the voting audience at home as well as the judges. Keith Telly Topping, in the odd moments that he actually switches over from Strictly to find out what's going on, still found a soft spot for Jamie Afro. Mainly on the strength of the fact that he looks - and sounds - a bit different to all of the other rather paint-by-numbers contestants.

A show that Keith Telly Topping will be featuring on his slot on this week's Alfie Joey's Comic Cuts is The Noughties... Was That It? - 9:15 BBC3. This poses the following question: 'Why would civil partnerships, jukebox musicals, fake tans, CCTV, David Cameron, kabbalah and celebrity baby names feature among the top one hundred phenomena to have made their mark in the century so far?' Various talking heads - including Germaine Greer, Will Self and a bunch of people you've either never heard of, or have but want to smash their face in with a bit of two-by-four because they think they're really funny when they, in fact, aren't - explain why in the first slice of this four-part list show. They do the thinking, it would seem, so you don't have to, dear blog reader. Ah, if only it were that simple for Simon Cowell and Len Goodman.

Sunday 8 November
There's a fabulous episode of House on Sky1 at 9:00. Grumpy Greg and his talented team try to help a reckless police detective who believes that he is cursed to die from heart failure at the age of forty just like his father, grandfather and great-grandfather did. Hereditary disease or coincidence? Only Hugh Laurie can save him now.

It's Plasticine™ week on James May's Toy Stories - 7:00 BBC2. This episode is considerably less educational than last week's joyous look at Airfix™, but it's just as much fun. Sporting a dazzling array of truly ghastly floral shirts, James (whom all the ladies want to mother) sets out to explore what he describes as 'the latent love of Plasticine™ that is deep in the soul of the British people' by making an entire show-garden out of the stuff for the Chelsea Flower Show. He doesn't do it on his own, of course. As with all of these episodes he enlists help. From art students, Jane Asher, Chelsea pensioners and a sculptress he nicknames Mad Jane Freud, getting them to 'unleash their creativity' and make thousands of Plasticine blooms as well as Plasticine vegetables, a grapevine and a tree. It's a controversial idea and a few members of the RHS, not to mention several gardening experts, are a bit sniffy about the project at first. But, of course, the public loved it. As with most things James does.

Monday 9 November
Collision - 9:00 ITV - is a much-trailed new drama that shows when ITV put their mind to it they still can come up with the goods. Troubled police detective John Tolin returns to work after an extended period of leave, but his first day back throws up a complicated case involving a shocking road traffic accident involving dozens of vehicles. The victims include a multimillionaire with a pack of lawyers, a young black woman whose over-protective father is crying racism and a PA with a dangerous secret. Can Tolin untangle the events and discover the twists of fate that led these strangers to the accident? Collision has a quite amazing cast featuring just about everybody you've ever heard of in British drama! ITV are strip-scheduling it across the week just the BBC did with Criminal Justice and Torchwood earlier in the year. it's a good way of hooking in audience into something by only making them wait twenty three hours for the next episode rather than seven days. And, the show itself looks effortlessly worthwhile.

Probably the most controversial TV show of the year looks set to be The Execution of Gary Glitter - 9:00 Channel 4. This is pseudo-docudrama set in a parallel world where the death penalty has been reintroduced to the UK. That's been a staple of British TV drama going right back to the 1970s and the excellent - though, now largely forgotten - serial State of Emergency. But, this is where it starts to get controversial. The first person to be tried under the new Capital Crimes Against Children legislation is Paul Gadd, former 1970s glam rock star and convicted child molester. The films producers say that they wish to explore how society deals with its most reviled offenders and whether capital punishment has a place in modern society. As discussed - at length - last week when the press release first crossed my e-mail in-box, Keith Telly Topping really doesn't know what the hell to make of this. On the one hand, it's tackling issues that deserve to be talked about - capital punishment, paedophilia, how we deal with those whose crimes we find not only serious but also morally abhorrent etc. But, there's also something really troubling (actually quite disturbing) about the idea of using a fictional performance of a real person in the central role. It's a tricky one, this because whichever side you come down on it's still hard not to feel rather worried by being part of a society in which a film such of this can be considered as 'entertainment.' The individual around whom this drama is centred once sang a song called 'Remember Me This Way.' I'm pretty sure this wasn't the kind of thing he had in mind. Then again, there's an argument that says if you nonce kids, you deserve everything you get. But, does 'everything you get' include humiliation as well as revilement? Complex issues. From the above, you'll probably already have decided whether you intend to watch this so, to be honest there's little I can add. I'm still undecided myself.

Miranda isn't your average girly-girl. At six feet one, she gets called 'Sir' more often than she'd like, much to the vast amusement of her friend Stevie, who manages Miranda's joke shop. Bumping into another old friend, Gary, who is working in the restaurant next door as the new chef, she is surprised when he asks her out for a drink. But, she gets overexcited by the prospect of her first real date and decides it's time to try to be more feminine. Unfortunately her makeover doesn't go quite to plan. So, this is Miranda - 8:30 BBC2 - the new vehicle for comedy actress Miranda Hart whom Keith Telly Topping's been rather underwhelmed by in the past in things like Smack the Pony, Hyperdrive and Not Going Out. This is, essentially, a remake of Hart's radio series. Worth a punt for an episode to see what it's like, I'd've thought.

Tuesday 10 November
In Mad About the House - 8:00 BBC3 - couples who can't afford to transform their house into a dream living space are given the cash to do so with the proviso that one half must make every design, decorating and DIY decision by themselves. So, this is the housing show for those too poor to go house hunting on Location, Location, Location and too proud to let Sarah Beeney or Kevin McCloud into their gaff. Sheri and Del have shared their Croydon home for six years, but with little spare money and rather clashing tastes they haven't managed to do much to it. They are given the cash as long as Sheri entrusts the whole job to her husband. Can he do up the house in just three weeks, despite only ever putting up one shelf in his life?

National treasure and Strictly Come Dancing icon John Sergeant takes a journey around Britain and meets tourists of all nationalities in John Sergeant on the Tourist Trail - 8:00 ITV. In this episode John joins some Californian gardening enthusiasts at RHS Wisley in Surrey. Then he is off to the Isle of Man to meet ten thousand Germans there for the annual TT motor race, followed by a bit of monster-hunting on Loch Ness, visiting the Lake District with some Japanese Beatrix Potter fans and enjoying the Welsh Eisteddfod with a group of visitors from Java. Finally he revisits his childhood home at Great Tew in the Cotswolds. Nice idea - showing how some of the eccentricities that we British take for granted also find an audience for themselves in other parts of the world. Not the most original of TV concepts, but with a presenter as personable as John, it should at least be watchable.

Tonight's episode of Around the World in 80 Days - 9:00 BBC1 is the one we've all been waiting for. If only for the delicious opportunity of watching two of television's most omni-present people, Torchwood star John Barrowman and presenter Myleene Klass, roughing it - road trip-style - across America in their leg of the epic eighty Days odyssey. A UFO meditation in Sedona has surprising results for Captain Jack, whilst Myleene encounters the harsh realities of life on the US Mexico border. And a debut jazz performance in New Orleans leaves them racing to the finishing line on the East Coast. Two points for all potential viewers to consider if you're wondering whether to give this one a go or not. One: It is possibly the single gayest hour of TV in the history of the medium - particularly Barrowman mincing around in his Big Gay Leather Boots. Which is, of course, hugely fun, entertaining and enjoyable. Two: Myleene bursts into tears and blubs like a girl, literally at every given opportunity about any old crap that nobody gives a damn about. Especially how much she's missing her 'lil baby (I'm sure the amount the BBC are paying you will ease the pain, chuck). Which isn't even remotely enjoyable in the slightest.

Wednesday 11 November
[Spooks] - 9:00 BBC1 - got off to right-rollicking start last week. As last year's astonishing series proved, when it's on form this genuinely is a world-class drama. In tonight's episode, the country reaches crisis point when energy supplies are threatened by an explosion at a gas processing plant. Horribly plausible plotline, that. With reserves on the verge of running out, Britain is forced to turn to Tazbekstan for help. That's not a real country, of course. It's like the writer - Ben Richards - was stuck one night, looked at a globe, saw Tajikistan and Uzbekistan next to each other in the Urals and, hey presto ... Anyway, in return for energy, the Tazbek Trade and Industry Secretary, Meeza Urazov, wants carte blanche to wipe out any of his country's enemies that are currently on British soil. Is this a price worth paying or can Section D get rid of Urazov in order to secure the deal without state sanctioned murder? Or, at least, only one state sanctioned murder. His. Sounds like a price worth paying to Keith Telly Topping so, it's probably a good job that he isn't the Home Secretary responsible for such a decision. Instead, Robert Glenister's got that job. Bet he wishes he was back in Hustle, grifting off naughty and ruthless rich people. Or, in Sink or Swim grifting off his brother, Peter Davison. Where were we? Oh yes, [Spooks]. It's good, trust me. Despite the dodgy geography.

In Coronation Street - 7:30 ITV - Sally goes utterly ballistic when convicted kidnapper John Stape returns to the Street after his release from pokey. Tony continues to be distressed and haunted by his confession. Joe buys Gail a ring - but will she like it? Corrie's having something of a good time of it of late - just over nine million viewers saw Tony confess to Roy that he killed Liam last Friday night. The Weatherfield soap's final two episodes of the week, in which the hospital-bound Tony made his shock (not quite) death-bed revelation drew huge audiences around the nine million mark at 7.30pm and 8.30pm respectively.

Donny and Marie Osmond bring us a taste of their hugely successful Las Vegas show. They'll also be answering questions from a celebrity audience about over three decades in show business in An Audience with Donny and Marie - 8:00 ITV. It is well over twenty years since the famous siblings last performed together in Britain. Cos, you know, he's a little bit country and she's a little bit rock and ... Anyway, tonight they will sing some of their greatest hits as well as songs from their Vegas show. Highlights include a frenzied version of 'Crazy Horses' by Donny, and Marie's huge hit 'Paper Roses.'

Thursday 12 November
In River Monsters - 7:30 ITV - 'extreme angler' Jeremy Wade goes to extraordinary lengths in his mission to find out whether the piranha of the Amazon basin is truly the ravenous flesh-stripping beast of a thousand nightmares and a couple of really bad movies of the 1970s. In Brazil, he swims with them, inciting the piranhas into a feeding frenzy and also tracks down survivors and eyewitnesses of piranha attacks of the past. In one incident from 1976, thirty nine people died when a coach crashed into the river. Some bodies were so badly mutilated they could only be identified by their clothes. Is this proof that piranhas do live up to their evil reputation? Well, it's got be said, they're not the most handsome of fish. Maybe that's the problem, they've got a chip of their shoulder. Heh. Do you see, chip on their ... oh, never mind.

Wonderland - 9:45 BBC2 - was a huge favourite with all of us on the Top Telly Tips slot last year. The format's been changed for the second series and, with it, some of the show's eccentric heart seems to have been lost. But, tonight's film looks like it could be worthwhile. Seven puppies are born to a first-time mother bitch called Uggs in a cramped front room in East London. These aren't cute and cuddly puppies, however - they are Staffordshire Bull Terrier crosses, the dogs the tabloids sometimes call 'devil dogs.' They are both one of the most sought after breeds in the country and also, perversely, the most frequently abandoned by their owners. This film follows the fate of Uggs' puppies as her owner tries to find new homes for them at three hundred pounds per pup.

Lie to Me - 10:00 Sky1 - has rapidly become one of Keith Telly Topping's favourite imported dramas over the last few months. If you haven't seen it before, it's about a scientist who uses his uncanny ability to read facial expressions and body language to help the FBI solve crimes and stars the truly excellent Tim Roth. In tonight's episode, Cal heads to Vegas to help find a missing finalist in the World Series of Poker, while sparks fly between Loker and Torres when they find themselves working on a far more personal case that usual.

Onto some Top Telly News: Jade Johnson and Ian Waite were reportedly involved in a minor car crash early last week. The Strictly Come Dancing couple were driving to rehearsals when they were involved in a collision with another car, the Sun claims. 'Ian and Jade were quite shaken up,' an insider told the paper. 'They were saying, "Oh my God, we've just crashed." But once they realised it wasn't too serious they were fine and got on with training when they reached the BBC's Television Centre in West London.' So, did the insider give the Sun this short geography lesson, we wonder, or did they just make that bit up? No-one was injured in the accident, seemingly, which was thought to have been caused when the car drove over a boulder in the road. And, it didn't seem to affect the couple's performance on Saturday night when they came through the latest round with somewhat flying colours.

The new Doctor, Matt Smith is 'the best,' according to Lord Thy God Steven Moffat, the show-runner of the 2010 series of Doctor Who. Smith will take over from David Tennant in the role of the Time Lord next year. 'What if I broke Doctor Who?' Moffat asked, rhetorically. 'That would be a tragedy,' he said at the 2009 Screenwriters' Festival in Cheltenham. 'Yes, you do feel pressure,' he added. Ah, bless him. If you 'broke' Doctor Who, Steven we would all forgive you. No, actually, thinking about it, we wouldn't. Rather, we'd kill you with pitchforks. So, you know, make sure you don't break it, eh? Filming began in July on the new - fifth - series of the time travel saga since its triumphant return from oblivion in 2005. Steven, who is writing six of the thirteen episodes and overseeing the other seven, promised fans 'great stories' and said there would be 'joyous moments' as well as 'some heartbreak.' The BAFTA award-winning screenwriter is currently working on the script for the climax to the series for which expectations will be huge. '[My] biggest challenge right now is the writing of Episode Thirteen,' he confessed to the audience. But Moffat had nothing but praise for Matt Smith - at twenty seven years of age the youngest actor ever to play the nine hundred year-old Time Lord. 'He's all the things you'd expect, including ancient,' Moffat revealed, describing the new Doctor as 'someone you can't take your eyes off.'

Tina O'Brien will reportedly play a love interest to the woman named as 'the first modern lesbian' in a new period drama for the BBC. The former Coronation Street actress said that she was looking forward to playing the role of one of Anne Lister's lovers in the BBC2 biopic. Lister, played by Maxine Peake, was born in 1791 and was a wealthy Yorkshire landowner and renowned diarist who was open about her sexuality. According to the Press Association, O'Brien said: 'It's based on a true story about a woman who wrote all these diaries in code - they decoded them and found out she was a bit of a saucy lesbian and I play one of her love interests.'

Courteney Cox and Lisa Kudrow are to reunite on television for the first time since Friends ended. Kudrow has been asked to guest star on Cox's new comedy series Cougar Town. Cox told TV Guide: 'If it all works out, she'll play a dermatologist that my character can't stop going to even though the doctor is mean to me. She's the best in town at what she does and I become addicted.' Cox has also said that she hopes others of her Friends co-stars would consider making an appearance on the ABC show.

Stephen Fry has made public online peace with another user of the micro-blogging site Twitter who had called his posts 'boring.' The actor and presenter, who has more than nine hundred thousand followers of his frequent twittering or twatter or whatever it is that they call it, had thrown a rather girly strop earlier and threatened to leave the site, saying there was 'too much aggression and unkindness.' But fans rallied round, attacking his critic and begging him to stay. Fry and the user later apologised to each other, with Stephen saying that his reaction had been 'a mood thing' and he now felt 'more sheepish than a sheep.' Stephen is, of course, one of the most prolific celebrity tweeterers and has vocally supported the social networking site in numerous interviews. The disagreement began when the other tweeterer said that whilst he 'admired and adored' Fry, he found his tweets to be 'a bit... boring... (sorry Stephen).' Which seems reasonably fair comment to me. Stephen, however. promptly took the hump and sent a message to the user, saying: 'You've convinced me. I'm obviously not good enough. I retire from Twitter henceforward. Bye everyone.' Over-reaction, much? He later said that he was feeling 'very low and depressed at the moment.' Almost immediately, the user began to receive angry messages from what he called a 'baying mob' of other tweeterers. Alan Davies, who stars with Fry in the television quiz Qi, also waded in, calling the criticism of his friend 'moronic.' What criticism? The guy just said he found some of Stephen's tweeties boring, it's hardly attacking his sexuality or making ignorant comments about his ethnicity, is it? See, without wishing to fan the flames here, I loathe sycophancy. Even when it's directed towards someone to whom I've been more than a little sycophantic to myself in the past - and probably will be again. Frequently. The user later said there had been an 'over-reaction' and he was 'aghast at how far this has gone.' He also apologised to Fry, repeating that he greatly admired him. The actor, who had been on a flight to Los Angeles, picked up on what had happened when he landed. He wrote: 'Arrived in LA feeling very foolish. Wasn't the fault of the fellow who called me "boring," BTW. A mood thing. Sunshine will help. So sorry. Feeling terrible for that poor guy. He had every right to call me boring. Not his fault it caught me at a vulnerable time. Pls be nice to him.' Classy. I mean, genuinely. As this blog noted a few weeks ago when Stephen made another apology for some rather crass comments about the Poles, there is nothing that becomes a person so much as the eloquence and dignity they show whenever they feel the need to say sorry for something they've done. Something that Jan Moir and Daily Mail would do well to consider the next time they upset people, even if they didn't mean to. Or claim that they didn't mean to. Stephen then sent several messages directly to his critic, saying he was 'so sorry to hear people have been abusing you' and calling the situation 'awful.' The other user said that Stephen owed him no apologies, to which Fry replied, 'Thank you for being so understanding.' Stephen, of course, suffers from bipolar disorder and has talked openly about his condition in the past. In 2006, he made a shockingly beautiful two-part BBC documentary called Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive, which investigated the reality of living with the disorder. All of this, somewhat, demonstrates one of the main reasons why Keith Telly Topping hasn't got into tweetering himself. With e-mail, blogging, even Facebook messages, one has the opportunity to input a smidgen of personality into what one is saying. But Twitter, like mobile phone texting (something else I don't do) has always seemed rather impersonal to me and almost sits up and begs for this sort of misunderstanding to create sticky situations where there don't need to be any. Plus, of course, the whole idea of compressing a thought into a fixed number of characters is a complete anathema to a gobshite like me. And, from the few tweets I've seen, most of it seems to be the text equivalent of those dreadful mobile phone conversations that Dom Jolly so memorably parodied. 'I'M ON THE TUBE!' Yeah, okay. Not really interested to be honest, pal. Even if you are Stephen Fry or someone else famous. Anyway, if you happen to be one of those twatters who rounded on this poor chap for merely voicing an opinion (and I'm looking straight at you, Alan Davies, for a kick-off), then you might like to consider whether a short apology might be in order. As Stephen himself has shown, it's not only the polite thing to do it's also the right thing to do.

Kiefer Sutherland has told Sky News that 24 could carry on, even if his character Jack Bauer is killed off. The actor is currently busy filming Day 8 of the hit action series, which reaches UK screens in January, amid huge speculation it may be the last. 'I've always said its certainly possible,' said Kiefer, when asked if someone else - like new cast member Freddie Prinze Junior - might take over if Bauer bows out. 'All the actors have always understood there's a strong chance they will die in the context of the show. But the real star is the time format.' Sutherland says fans will see a different side of Bauer in the new season, which is set in New York. 'The start is very different from any show that we've done,' the actor told Sky News. 'At least for Jack it is very quiet. When the day does start to go bad he really does get involved and not because he's a part of it but because he's being pulled into it. That resistance is something you're not used to seeing, and it's interesting to see what pushes him towards actually taking care of the responsibilities of that day.' All of the cast are sworn to secrecy over the plot details, but forty two-year-old Sutherland insists they are as much in the dark as the fans. 'To be honest once we get started on a season we focus solely on that scene,' he said.

Barbara Windsor apparently wants to make a return to the West End stage when she leaves EastEnders next year. The seventy two-year-old announced her forthcoming departure from the BBC1 soap earlier this week, adding that she will be 'so sad' to leave the character of Walford's landlady Peggy Mitchell after fifteen years. Windsor told the Sunday Mirror that she misses the theatre and hopes to tread the boards once more, having already stepped into the limelight for parts in Entertaining Mr Sloane and Guys And Dolls. 'I'd like to feel I could do theatre one more time,' she said. 'I reckon I've got one more pantomime in me!' Oh no, you haven't ...

Alexa Chung has admitted that she finds living in America difficult. The television presenter, who hosts show It's On With Alexa Chung, explained that she struggles to connect with people in the US. 'I don't really have any friends in America,' she told OK! 'I just don't tolerate douchebags.' And then you wonder why you've got no friends, lady? Jeez. Try being nice to people, you might find it works. Chung added that she worries she will insult her celebrity guests with her British sense of humour. 'I'm worried my guests won't like me,' she said. Well, make sure you don't call them douchebags for a kick-off, I'm thinking. 'To be honest, it's usually the publicists who are the dickheads. They get paid to do the dirty work.' Chung also said that she misses her lifestyle in London and her old flat, claiming that her new apartment is 'too shiny.' oh, for Christ's sake, somebody give this lass a gun and let her put herself out of her misery, she's obviously got one rotten bad-bitch of a life. What with all that money and the nice 'shiny' house and so on. My heart bleeds for her.

TV chef John Burton Race has been arrested and charged with drink driving and resisting arrest. The fifty two-year-old was stopped by police in a routine check in Strete, near his New Angel restaurant in Dartmouth, Devon, in the early hours of Friday morning. The cook, who appeared on I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here, was breathalysed and then arrested. A spokeswoman for Devon and Cornwall Police told Sky News Online: 'John Burton Race, was arrested on 30 October at about 1am. He has been charged with driving or attempting to drive with excess alcohol and resisting or obstructing a constable in the execution of their duty.' He was released on unconditional bail and is due to appear before magistrates in Newton Abbot on 17 November. Burton Race has appeared on a number of TV shows including French Leave and Return of the Chef, which focused on him and his family setting up home in France and South Devon.

Kerry Katona is reportedly in talks to appear on ITV comedy Benidorm. The Mirror claims that Katona is ready to sign a deal with the show's producers. A source said: 'They see Kerry as perfect to star in the show and she's told her reps to make it happen. Kerry knows it may only be a small part but she's hoping it could lead to bigger things, maybe becoming one of the main roles. Acting is something she's always wanted to do.' Katona, who once said that she can relate to the sitcom, is reportedly hoping that her appearance on the programme will help her to rebuild her image after she was allegedly filmed taking cocaine. 'She's been through a lot in the last twelve months and she thinks being an actress will be a new beginning for her,' the mysterious 'insider' said. However, when Benidorm writer Derren Litten was asked about the rumours on his Twitter page, he replied: 'No. Not true.' So, here's the question: Do we file this one away with the previous fifty seven 'Kerry Katona lined-up to do something' stories that all seem to come from sources suspiciously close to Kerry herself (remember that one where she was going to be in Coronation Street a few months back)? Or, do we disbelieve, on general principle every single story that any newspaper prints which claims that Kerry Katona is going to do anything other that carry on being a has-been? Hmm ... let me think. Oddly all this happened on the very same day that another newspaper, the People was busy claiming that Ms Katona was planning on opening a sunbed studio in Warrington. 'Everyone loves having a tan and Kerry and Mark think they will have people flocking to go on their beds in the winter months,' a source said. 'Kerry reckons people will go to their studio because she's famous.' Presumably this is the same source who'd been feeding the Mirror the crap Benidorm story?

Michael Jackson's father has reportedly admitted that his son is worth more now that he is dead. Joe Jackson revealed on US TV show Extra that he is still learning to cope following the loss of the King of Pop at the age of fifty). The eighty-year-old said that his son was 'worth more dead than alive,' before quickly adding: 'But I'd rather have him alive. I cry when I'm off to myself and I start thinking about things we went through.' Pity you didn't do some of that when you were regularly beating the crap out of him when he was just a little boy, Joe.