Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Top Telly Tips - May 2008

Onwards, ever onwards.

May, the month of the cup final, the first test, my brother's birthday (that I always forget) and, you know, other stuff.

1 May 2008:
Zoo Days - 6:30pm Five
Sickly and rather twee - albeit, visually arresting - documentary series about the goings on at Chester Zoo narrated by the thoroughly nauseating Jane Horrox who, frankly, needs a good hard slap in the face with a dead baby seal. Today there is dramatic news about the lion cubs. And Chester Zoo's baby pandas come out to play. Arrr...

The Invisibles -9:00pm BBC1
New comedy drama about a duo of legendary The Persauders-style blaggers who come out of retirement after fifteen years in the Costa Del Crime for one last Big Job. Or, is it more? Of course it is, dear blog reader, this is a six-part series. Something of a real nostalgia-fest this one – the cast includes three of the greats: Tony Head, Warren Clarke and Jenny Agutter. Throw in Denzil from Only Fools and Horses and Shakespeare from Doctor Who (not to mention Bobby Moore and The Be-Atles) and you've got a potential naughties classic on your hands. Looks rather warm, funny and gentle in an Auf Wiedersehen, Pet-series three kind-of-way. Looking forward to this one. Watch, now it'll turn out to be crap.

House – 9:00 Five
Tremendously funny episode tonight as House must contend with a documentary film crew following his every move as he treats a facially deformed teenager who has suffered a heart attack. Watch out for the bit at the end where they take all of the sarcastic things he's said on camera and present them seriously in the final film. Hugh, as ever, is totally brilliant.

2 May 2008:
According to the US series Angel there are only three reasons that mankind was able to raise himself above the animals: opposable thumbs, fire and television. And on that bombshell…

Peep Show – Channel 4 10:30
New series of the excellent Davey Mitchell/Robert Webb sitcom – BAFTA nominated and - so it is rumoured - soon to follow The Office into an American version. It’s not to all tastes, but I love the characters – particularly the frightful Sophie played by Hot Fuzz’s Olivia Coleman and the tricky point of view camerawork. Nice to have it back.

Saturday:
Britain’s Got Talent – 8:05 ITV
Yet more contestants line-up for an opportunity to make Amanda Holden cry. In fact, I’m now in the process of developing a spin-off show: "Make Amanda Holden Cry: Ten contestants with a collection of sorry tales of false limbs, dead dogs or parents with incurable diseases see which of them can make Amanda Holden cry the most. Since Amanda cries at virtually everything - she is encased in a huge metal tank. If any contestant can make her cry so much that she actually drowns, they win a special prize." I mean, I’d certainly watch it.

Sunday:
Flood – ITV 8:05
Impressive looking two-part drama (the second is on tomorrow) based to Richard Doyle’s novel about London facing environmental disaster. The cast looks incredible. Allow me to highlight but six – Robert Carlyle, Tom Courtney, Joanne Whalley (haven't seen her in anything for years), old Poirot himself David Suchet, Nigel Planer out of The Young Ones and Withnail and I's Ralph Brown. Of course, putting the second part on opposite Waking the Dead's a bit naughty but, whatever, it's nice to see ITV doing some quality drama AT ALL. It's been a good week for drama this - best Waking the Dead in a couple of years and the best Doctor Who of the season so far - one that I wasn't expecting much from, frankly.

5 May 2008:
Corrie – 7:30 ITV
With Haley in Africa (actually Julie Hesmondhough’s having a years sabbatical - the producers gave her the time off after the particularly strenuous story-lines the character had last year) I have to say the paring of Becky and Roy - two complete opposites who are rubbing each other’s backs up perfectly – is genius. Becky has a fiery temper, Roy has principles, Becky keeps trying to power-hug Roy - much to his discomfort. There's great comedy from the pair of them but also some moments of genuine and unexpected tenderness. They're both brilliant character actors who lift the scenes far above expectations. Also, Tony … has anyone else noticed his Big Eye? He’s the most unconvincing person on The Street and the eye just gets bigger and more sinister every day.

EastEnders – 8:00 BBC1
I, like most other people I reckon, have now got completely browned off with the “For the love of God, will it never end?” saga of Minty and Heather. Seemingly the producers have too, so the next sorry saga of unrequited love and angst in the Square appears to be a continuation of Satanic Sean and Raunchy Roxy's thoroughly disagreeable coupling. Now, there would be a marriage made in a very hot place indeed.

Ideal – 10:30 BBC3
We get a variant on that old sitcom standby tonight, the flashback episode, as Moz recalls the circumstances in which he first got his flat in the 1990s (there's an excellent bit where he's listening to The John Peel Show on the radio). Seventies comic Mick Miller as Johnny Vegas’s dad – that’s just truly inspired casting! Also, of course, watch out for a certain Alfredo Joseph in a top quality supporting role!

6 May 2008:
Emmerdale – 7:00
The blackmail subplot that’s gripped Beckindale for the past few weeks is careering towards a conclusion as Pollard and Val (the best two actors on the show Chris Chittell and Charley Harwicke) join forces and lay a trap for the devious Rosalind. There's gonna be some fuckers getting hit with hammers, hopefully.

Natural World – BBC2 8:00
Stephen Fry narrates this genuinely heart-warming film about the Peruvian spectacled bear (so called because of its distinctive facial fur), a secretive and elusive creature that was, apparently, the model for Michael Bond’s Paddington and which is the sole surviving South American bear. Ah, bless. Love this sort of thing.

Too Fat to Toddle – ITV 9:00
Statistics show that one in four primary school children are now clinically obese. This film looks at four such children – Fay Ripley narrates. Which is an odd choice, frankly, cos she's as thin as a sodding rake. As Roger Waters once said "Hey, leave them kids alone." They're not fat, anyway, they're big boned. Although it is just about possible that if they didn't go out every night drinking fifteen pints of lager and having two curries their bones might, you know, shrink a bit...

7 May 2008:
Child of Our Time – 8:00 BBC1
In 2001 the BBC started their own version of 7-Up fronted by Professor Robert Winston. Now, the babies featured in the first show are seven and eight and we get a look at how they’re growing and how they see the world. If last night's Too Fat to Toddle is anything to go by, it'll be through a fistful of pies...

The British Soap Awards – 8:00 ITV
Presented by Fern Brittain and Philip Schofield (sadly, minus Gordon the Gopher). Absolute crap, of course. You'd be better off having a frontal lobotomy than watch this sorry excuse full of back-slapping, arse-licking indulgence and crass platitudes. So, I expect it'll have an audience of ten million.

True Story: Al Capone & the Untouchables – 9:00 Five
Five's The True Story seems to be the latest “must see” series on British TV (a bit like Wonderland earlier in the year). Tonight, it’s the tale of gangsters and mayhem in old Chicago with Al Capone and the G-Men like Elliot Ness who fought him and his hoodlum gangs.

9 May 2008:
Friday:
As television is The Drug of the Nation according to the Disposable Heroes of Hiphopracy here’s yer weekend telly fix.

Have I Got News For You? – 9:00 BBC1
The only TV show that could get Boris Johnson elected. For that, and other crimes … Bill Bailey – one of my comedy heroes – is this week’s guest presenter.

Saturday:
Doctor Who – 6:45 BBC1
Red-letter week this week as we finally get to meet (after forty-odd years) the Doctor’s once-or-twice-alluded-to-but-never-previously-seen daughter – played by Georgia Moffett, in real life, the daughter of ex-Doctor Peter Davison. Also features the great Nigel Terry whose finest 52 minutes in TV came thirty nine years ago when he played a hippy painter in Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased).

Sunday:
The South Bank Show – ITV 10:50
This week features a rare interview with author David Peace about his much admired novel The Damned United about Brian Clough's turbulent forty four day reign in charge of Leeds, soon to be made into a major film of course. And, lastly a quick cause of considerable tears from the ladies – it's the final Match of the Day of the season. So, that's the last time you'll be seeing Mr Lineker and Mr Hansen and Mr Shearer until, ooo, at least the 11th June.


13 May 2008:
Gordon’s Ramsey’s F Word – C4 9:00
New series as the vociferous chef returns to, hopefully, SHOW SOME ****ING PASSION; this week's (seemingly willing) victims include Corrie’s Wendi Peters and Janet Street Porter. Will they never learn.

What Happened Next? – BBC4 9:00
Series which finds out what happened to people who were featured in past TV documentaries. In 1973 the BBC made a film about The Global Village Trucking Co., a rock group living in a Norfolk hippie commune with their families and friends. Their aim was to be self-reliant and to make it “as big as the Beatles” without acquiring a record label with a major label. As they reunite for their first gig in 30 years, we find out what's become of the group's members. What a fascinating idea, can’t wait to see which documentary they dig up for the treatment next..

The World’s Tallest Woman and Me – C4 10:00
Mark Dolan immerses himself in the remarkable worlds of some incredible people in a series exploring what it means to be anything but average. Mark visits a society of tall citizens in Arizona, heads to Indianapolis to visit Sandy Allen, recognised as the world's tallest woman, and travels to China to meet another contender for the title. Sounds like a tall story to me. Small world, innit?

14 May 2008:
Amityville Horror: The True Story - 9:00pm Five
Another cracker from the True Story strand ... After six members of the same family were murdered in Suffolk County, New York, stories of haunting, demonic possession and poltergeist activity grabbed the attention of the world's media and led to a celebrated ((if pretty damn bad if truth be told) movie adaptation. Was there an element of truth behind the tales, or was the whole thing an elaborate hoax? (Of course it was ...)

The Apprentice – 9:00 BBC1
Now, personally I can’t stand The Apprentice and consider that everyone connected to it should suffer the same fate as the original inhabitants of the Amityville House, but look at how well it's been doing. And, do you know why? Cos it's watched by GLAKES, that's why... Anyway, after last week's boardroom blitz ("I'll fire the 'ole five of you if I have to!"), tonight the stress levels drop. But only a little. Surely after being seen in this show, any prospective candidate wouldn't get a job anywhere else?!

Desperate Housewives – 10:00 C4
Here’s one for lots of “ladies of a certain age”, prepare to get moist, girls as Richard Chamberlain turns up as a guest star playing Lynette’s “long lost stepfather.”

15 May 2008:
The Artful Codgers – C4 9:00
The outrageous story of an Octogenarian Lancashire couple and their Scallywag son who conned the art world with a series of forged paintings, sculptures and ancient artefacts knocked up in their garden shed in Bolton. After fooling the British Museum, Sotheby's and Christie's, the forgers were only rumbled by a spelling mistake on a faked stone tablet. Another absolute winner from the excellent Cutting Edge.

Midnight Man – ITV 9:00
Tough choice but I'm going for Midnight Man over The Invisibles this week. Max Raban finds himself the prime suspect for the murder of his own wife, but soon realises he's been set up by the death squad he's been investigating. Isn't Jimmy Nesbitt good in this? And one can never have too much Peter Capaldi on TV.

Hidden Lives: Sweaty Betty - Midnight Five
Documentary following several women who suffer from hyperhidrosis – a medical condition which produces excessive perspiration. There is, definitely, need for these type of shows but it does beg the question what makes people go on them and indeed what sort of people watch them?

16 May 2008
Saturday:
It’s cup final day and Grandstand will be covering every moment of the build-up, but it’s much more serious these days than it used to be when we were kids. Where’s Cup Final It’s a Knockout gone? Or those great interviews with the players on the team bus where one of them would always do a Frank Spencer impression? Or having a celebrity commentator like ITV memorably did with Nookie Bear one year? Football - it takes itself too seriously, these days. And, of course, the big question is will either Portsmouth or Cardiff turn up in threads anywhere near as apocalyptically awful as the Liverpool 1995 "white suit" fiasco? It's a question worth asking. Every single year.

Doctor Who – BBC1 7:00
I’ll say one thing for Doctor Who, it’s becoming The Morecambe & Wise Show of its era in terms of the quality of guest star it can attract – this week’s TV Nostalgia Icon – Felicity Kendall. The story’s a big over-the-top murder mystery in which the Doctor and Donna meet the queen of the genre, Agatha Christie played by Fenella Woolger (so good in last years adaptation of Jekyll).

Sunday:
Seaside Rescue – BBC1 6:30
How a day spent sailing around the Isle of Wight became a race to save the leg of an injured crewman in the RAGING TORRENT OF DEATH that is the Solent. Is there any form a natural disaster that TV hasn't done a series on?

Meerkat Manor – BBC2 7:10
Gang warfare, dysfunctional families, heroism and babies – yes, it’s the return of the soap opera of the natural world, those loveable Meerkats of the Kalahari. The best thing about this, apart from the animals themselves is Bill Nighy’s wonderfully dry commentary. Followed, immediately, by episode two.

19 May 2008:
Corrie – 7:30 ITV
We mentioned last week about Kirk’s new girlfriend wanting to muscle in on looking after Ches. Now, to raise some money why don't they rent Schmeichel the dog out for rides? I’d love to see, for example, Amy - the Tracey Emin look-alike – or better yet, Fiz, having a go.

The Duchess in Hull – 9:00 ITV
Quite possibly the single most offensive show on TV this year as Sarah Ferguson - remember her? She used to be a big fat royal until Andrew binned her - moves into a council estate on Humberside ("errrrr, nerrrrr") to help (I say 'help') the Sargersons a family of overweight smokers. It’s not just the crassly smug nature of the pre-publicity blurb or the fact that the highlight (I say 'highlight') of the Duchess in question’s previous TV career was It’s a Royal Knockout, but rather a comment she made about her hosts: “Tonia [the mother] and I have identical views on certain issues, but we're not the same. I come from a privileged background and have been educated.” Because, of course, nobody from a council house ever progressed beyond finger painting, did they Fergie? Sorry, remind me again how many O Levels you and Diana managed to get between the two of you? It's 2008 - this used to be a free country. These days you can't even have a cigarette or a bacon sandwich without a former member of the Royal family coming around your house and telling you to cut it out. But, what I really object to most is the fact that I spent five years of my life as a working man watching my taxes - and everybody elses, for that matter - being used to subsidise the Duchess of York's lifestyle between 1987 and 1992 (which seemed, at the time, to consist of her going on one skiing holiday after another) via the Civil List. Why anybody would want to watch this shocking abomination for either entertainment or information is completely beyond me but some of our listeners may like to give it a go. For novelty value if nothing else. If you do tune in then please let me know what it was like because I, myself, won't be watching. I'll be over on Channel 4 checking out tonight's Team Team Special at the same time - because I'm from a council estate, me, and as a consequence clearly as ignorant pig's shit - I might just learn something from it like my betters with their education and their privilege.

Edwyn Collins: Home Again – BBC2 11:20
Edwyn was the lead singer of Scottish band Orange Juice (their big hit was ‘Rip It Up’) then had a very interesting solo career ('Never Met a Girl Like You Before', you'll probably know). In 2005 he suffered from a brain haemorrhage that almost killed him and then, whilst in hospital, contracted MRSA which, again, almost killed him. This delightful documentary looks at his rehabilitation with his devoted wife helping him get back to something like normality and portrays a true survivor as he manages to complete the solo LP he’d started before his health problems. Heart-warming. And not a member of the royal family "helping" in sight.

20 May 2008:
Waking the Dead - 9:00 BBC1
I know Alfie’s been a big fan of this series over the last few weeks, it’s certainly been on a real run of form - well-written and beautifully acted. Trevor Eve and Sue Johnston are everybody of a certain age's perfect TV mum and dad! This is, sadly, the last of the current season but there'll be another early in the New Year. Pass the popcorn, there’ll be yet more murders!

The Supersizers Go … Wartime – BBC2 9:00
Giles Coren and Sue Perkins experience what it was like to live and eat on the home front during World War II – a time of rationing and shortage. They spend a week wearing clothes of the period and eating only what would have been available to a couple in 1940 – including Spam and dried egg. Is it wrong of me to find Sue Perkins dressed as Nora Baty's younger, slightly hotter sister vaguely erotic?

What Happened Next? – BBC4 9:00
In 1978 the BBC made a prototype Big Brother, Living in the Past, in which volunteers spent months in a mock Ice Age village complete with round houses, their own animals, atrocious weather and a total lack of privacy – it was brilliant telly and won all sorts of awards. Thirty years later, What Happened Next? catches up with some of those who took part to ask how it changed their lives. Worthy.

21 May 2008:
So, what you gonna do tonight – watch the European Cup Final between the two teams that you absolutely hate the mostest in all the world bar none, or find something else to watch instead?

RHS Flower Show – BBC2 8:00
For the horticulturally minded, here’s thirty minutes of what can only be described as floral pornography. Alan Titchmarsh, the thinking Octogenarian’s stud, presents.

Secret Diary of a Call Girl – 10:40 ITV
Ridiculed critically but a sizeable hit when it was shown on ITV2 last year, this raunchy eight-part drama starring Billie Piper about a high class London prostitute finally comes to terrestrial. It’s strong stuff, not for the faint-hearted (although, it's nowhere near as erotic as you may be imagining – and believe me, I watched it all several times just to make sure).

22 May 2008:
EastEnders – 7:30 BBC1
Satanic Sean plans his intricate and probably over-complicated revenge on Tanya having, seemingly forgotten what happened to the last bloke who tried something similar. He ended up in a coffin. Whilst he was still breathing. And Roxy and Ronnie get into a right barney over Roxy’s intentions to leave the Square for good. Bet she won’t.

Heroes – 9:00 BBC2
The cast are joined by the excellent Kristen Bell (who’s currently starring with Russell Brand in that Forgetting Sarah Marshall – she was also in an excellent US show called Veronica Mars that, sadly, never made of an impact over here). Anyway, she plays a very naughty character trying to track down Peter who is now thankfully away from "that part of Ireland where everybody talks in Irish accents completely unlike any Irish accent that you've ever actually heard in all yer life."

23 May 2008:
Friday:
Friday Night with Jonathan Ross – 10:35 BBC1
It’s 70s night on Jonny Woss as Neil Diamond and all nine of the Osmonds feature (can we name them all?). Get out yer Hai Karate Aftershave and clack yer Clackers with pride. Ray Winstone’s there to provide a bit of 90s hard-nut EastEnd barra-boy glamour. Awright?

Saturday:
Eurovision Song Contest – 8:00 BBC1
Live from Belgrade. Sometimes good, sometimes wretched, usually entertaining especially if Britain gets a suspiciously politically motivated hammering as it looks like this years entry (by ex-dustman Andy Abrahams) may. Back to the Refuge Department on Monday, Andy? Wogan’s on hand to crack lots of very unfunny jokes.

The Weakest Link – 5:50 BBC1
Tonite’s episode is a Special featuring psychic mediums – including notorious Most Haunted charlatan Derek Acorah. If his gifts really are genuine, surely he’ll know the question Anne Robinson is going to ask before she actually asks it and, therefore, give the answer first – just like The Two Ronnies’ Mastermind sketch. I’d PAY to watch that.

Sunday:
Ray Mears Goes Walkabout – 8:15 BBC2
The survival expert follows the Aboriginal example as he makes a series of expeditions through the natural habitats of Australia. Careful you don’t get eaten by a Koala, Ray.

26 May 2008:
A Taste of My Life – 6:30 BBC2
A bit different from the usual celebrity cookery shows this as Nigel Slater talks to well known faces about their formative culinary experiences and then cooks them a meal accordingly. Not so much "healthy eating" as, you know, lard on toast if that was what you grew up on. Tonight, pork chops in cider - very much an acquired taste, with Jane Horrocks - also very much an acquired taste - who also recalls being traumatised at an early age by tripe. Me too, except in my case it was called Newcastle United. This one’s all every night at the same time – good early evening stuff. Tim Spall's on later in the week, look out for that one.

Kiss of Death – 9:00 BBC1
If you’re missing your weekly Waking the Dead fix, here’s a one-crime off drama from Boyd and co’s creator Barbara Machin. Described as “gritty” – which usually means it’ll feature at least one working class character being stabbed with a bread knife – it’s a story told from several different viewpoints (a bit like the excellent Mobile last year or the occasional episode of CSI). Speaking of CSI, Louise Lombard stars along with the great Danny Dyer.

27 May 2008:
EastEnders - 7:30pm BBC1
Satanic Sean turns over a new leaf – yeah, we’ve all heard that one before. But, Roxy seemingly has other plans. Dot wonders if there's more to Jack and Tanya's relationship than meets the eye. Good old nosy Dot, it’s comforting that, in an ever changing world, some things never change. And Dot's one of them.

10 Years Younger - 8:00pm Channel 4
The makeover show returns for a new series. The luscious, pouting and "can drive a car really fast" Nicky Hambleton-Jones and her team of cosmetic consultants try to work the magic on members of the public who want to look younger. This week, they help mother-of-five and former navy officer Amanda to undo the effects years of smoking and tea-drinking have had on her skin, hair and teeth.

Storyville: The Biggest Chinese Restaurant in the World - 10:00 BBC4
Communism and commerce go hand-in-hand in this four-part series about China's largest restaurant, the West Lake in Chang Sha. Energetic owner, Qin Lin Zi, her highly capable general manager and large staff of waiters and chefs try to keep everything running smoothly as they handle up to 5,000 diners per day. If you love Chinese food – and let’s face it who doesn’t – you might be surprised that snake is on the menu rather than in the Saki. I thoroughly recommend both this, and Szechwan style King Prawn with baby mushrooms and soft noodles for tea tonight. See, this is public service broadcasting people.

28 May 2008:
Filth: The Mary Whitehouse Story – 9:00 BBC2
In 1963 an unknown – mad as toast and perniciously dangerous - Midlands houewife, Mary Whitehouse, embarked on a thoroughly selfish one-woman mission to "clean up" British television. Her wholly self-appointed crusade led her into battle with the man she held reponsible for a tide of 'filth' - Sir Hugh Carleton-Greene, the best and most liberal-minded Director-General the BBC ever had. She tried to get Doctor Who, The Wednesday Play, Pinky and Perky (I'm not making this up) and, most famously the Beatles banned (the latter for including the word “knickers” in 'I Am the Walrus'. True story). She became the butt of numerous long-running jokes of Till Death Us Do Part as Carleton-Green encouraged those in his organisation who opposed censorship in all its forms to speak out against her. Sadly, by the 1970s, with a change of management within the BBC, and a corresponding jellifying of their collective backbone, some people in positions of power actually started to take this vile little woman's insane diatribes seriously. Thankfully, she's now dead and, as such, cannot be libelled. So, rot in Hell you horrible, evil woman. With Julie Walters starring as Whitehouse and Hugh Bonneville as her arch enemy. If you liked Fear of Fanny or the recent BBC4 series on comedy icons like the great Most Sincerely then you’ll love this.

River Cottage Spring - 9:00 Channel 4
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall – he of the daft name and the equally silly haircut - cooks and tastes his way through the crops on offer as spring reaches its peak. Hugh pits his mum's shepherd's pie to a taste test against Delia Smith's 'cheat' version. I’ll bet even if Delia’s taste better he’ll go for mum’s every time – never criticise yer mother’s cooking, you might be glad of it one day.

Six Degrees - 10:40 ITV
Series following the lives of six people who are connected to each other, but don't yet realise it. It’s a bit like Lost but not as good – which is why it only lasted thirteen episodes. Stars nobody you’ll have ever heard of but it rattles along at a tremendous pace. Just don’t think about the plot too much.

29 May 2008:
Springwatch - 8:00 BBC2
The latest reports from the marathon wildlife event. Has Simon King managed to find the elusive Scottish wildcat? How are Kate Humble's animal families doing at their new base in Norfolk? What’s that small fury creature in the bushes? Oh, it’s just that wretched little Communist Bill Oddie.

Gridlock and Road Rage – 9:00 Channel 4
Documentary series examining the misery of traffic jams, the drastic measures some take to avoid them, and the measures that are designed to prevent them. The Cutting Edge team follows long-suffering commuters and meets the teams trying to improve their lot with a rare glimpse behind the scenes at the Highways Agency.

Wayward Women - 10:40 ITV
A rather amusing looking six-part history of feisty, independent-minded Northern women featuring a mixture of historical fact, rumour and gossip.

30 May 2008:
Saturday:
Doctor Who - 7:00 BBC1
Something for the weekend, sir? The first new episode to be broadcast since the announcement that Russell Davies will be leaving after next year's three specials and this one is written by the man who'll be replacing him, the great Steven Moffat - writer of most of the best and certainly the scariest episodes of the past three years (the kid in the gas mask, the clockwork robots, the blinking statues etc). Expect, therefore, a totally seamless transition - if you think Shankly to Paisley. Connery to Moore. George II to George III. This one's all about living shadows, apparently. Sounds suitably Moffatesque.

Saturday:
I'd Do Anything - 6:00 BBC1
Britain's Got Talent - 6:50 ITV
It's finals night. Oh God, which one of these two to watch? If, indeed, either? BGT will win, ofc course, and by quite a considerable distance so expect a flood of 'Simon Cowell Spanks the Nancies' headlines on Monday morning.

Sunday:
Florence - 7:00 BBC1
Yer actual proper up-for-a-BAFTA-next year drama, this is. Behind one of Britain's greatest heroines lies an unexpected story. Laura Fisher stars. Watch out for a cameo by the great Roy Hudd. You simply don’t see enough of Roy on TV These days.

How TV Changed Britain - 9:00 C4
A celebration of, not only my hobby but also my country's national sport - TV viewing. From bringing teen culture to the masses to the impact of cop drama like The Sweeney right up to Life on Mars on real life policing, this six-part show asks the question how has TV changed Britain. There’s two ways you can do this kind of show – either serious, highbrow and academic or more lightweight and nostalgic – not too sure which this is (possibly more of the latter given its slot) but either can work very well and, if nothing else, the clips are always worth watching.

And for those of you following Lost on Sky, remember it's the last two episodes of the current series on Sunday. I could tell you what happens, but I’d have to kill you afterwards.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Top Telly Tips - April 2008

Further hits from the vaults.
1 April 2008
Emmerdale – 7:00 ITV
When a hungover Ross gets behind the wheel and causes and accident, he begs Paddy to say he was driving. That's not sending out a very good message to viewing motorists, is it ITV? Drink, drive, then get your brother to take the rap? Meanwhile, Shadrach is about to meet Genesis, the daughter he never knew rather tnah the tuneless prog-rock band on the 1970s. What do Meshach, Abednego and King Nebuchadnezzar think about that, one wonders? Chas offers her support ... and, hopefully, suggests that Shadrach have a bath before the big family reunion.

EastEnders – 8:00 BBC1
If you’ve been watching any programme on the BBC over the last couple of weeks, you’ll probably be aware that RICKAYYYYY and BYYYANKA are back for Frank's funeral. Not to mention that blackest sheep of the Butcher family, Janine. Bet that'll cheer Big Cuddly Pat, Peggy and Ian up. Nah, come to think of it, nothing cos ever cheer Ian up.

ONE Life – 10:35 BBC1
Twelve years ago Josie Russell was left for dead on a quiet country lane in Kent, her mother and younger sister both dead following a brutal attack. Miraculously, Josie survived, though she suffered severe brain damage. In March 2008, Josie celebrates her 21st birthday. We follow her as she she talks for the first time about her injuries, growing up in the media spotlight and how the attack affected who she is today.

2 April 2008:
Coast: The Journey Continues – 7:00 BBC2
A compilation episode of some of the best bits of the last series of this award-winning and charming series about Britain’s coastline. I LOVE this show – the genuine warmth and enthusiasm of its presentation by the excellent Scottish Neil Oliver and the gorgeous cinematography combine to produce something genuinely beautiful. Please let’s have a new series soon BBC – this is what I happily pay my licence fee for!

Hughie Green: Most Sincerely - 9:00pm BBC4
After the excellent Curse of Steptoe and the harrowing Hancock and Joan the third of BBC4's comedy icons biopics concentrates on the Canadian song-and-dance man who found fame as host of game shows like Double Your Money and Opportunity Knocks. Trevor Eve, one of my favourite actors at the best of times, is magnetic in the title role and catches Green’s nasal, mid-Atlantic accent perfectly (and, interestingly, his smokers cough, too). Green was a strange - and often rather horrible man - in real life and yet he comes over in this as remarkably human (albeit still, occasionally, rather horrible). The central theme is Green's feelings for the daughter he never knew, Paula Yates. Powerful stuff and with a great supporting cast too.

The Apprentice – 9:00 BBC1
Alan Sugar puts sixteen more applicants through the job interview from hell. The applicants are challenged to set up an overnight laundry business and persuade customers to part with their washing. The following morning, following Sugar's warning not to lose a single sock, they return the clothes. So, bullyboy television. Amazingly popular but, I have to ask, with whom? I've yet to meet anybody that actually admits to liking it.

3 April 2008:
Identity Fraud: Outnumbered - 9:00pm BBC1
Jamie Theakston narrates as we are granted unique access to London's Economic Crime Unit, which is the UK's only specialist police unit taking on identity thieves. Featuring the stories of a man falsely branded a paedophile after an ID fraudster used his credit card details on a pornographic website. Strong, and valuable stuff.

Holidays Homes from Hell - 9:00pm ITV1
Nearly a million Brits now own a property overseas, but unfamiliar laws and language barriers can lead to some problematic and expensive issues. Featuring a couple evicted from their restored chateau by someone claiming to own it and families caught up in some of the worst forest fires in European history.

Empty - 10:00pm BBC2
Sitcom about a pair of house clearers starring the excellent Gregor Fisher - where's he been for the last few years? - and Billy Boyd and one which I’ve been really enjoying the last few weeks. This is the final episode of the season - an old theatre which is being renovated one with, supposedly, it’s own ghost. Surrounded by scary noises, Tony announces that he thinks they should go freelance - to Jacky's horror. If you've missed it so far, give this a shot and then catch them on repeat.

4 April 2008:
Friday:
Jonathan Ross – 10:35 ITV
Bit of a Doctor Who overload this weekend, I'm afraid. No, actually, I'm not afraid at all ... Tonight we've got the last episode of the current series of Torchwood (which has been patchy but interesting and, generally, much better than the first year) and then dear old Jonny Woss is joined by David Tennant and Catherine Tate along with British screen icon, John Hurt who's there to promote his latest film. And, also, those miserable buggers Radiohead. Bet that'll cheer everybody right up.

Saturday: 6:20 BBC1
He’s back. And it's, totally, about time - as somebody who got paid considerably more than I do once said. David Tennant returns and this time he's got Catherine Tate with him. Things to look out for over the course of the next thirteen weeks – a classy looking episode set in Pompeii next week; the return of the Sontarans (the Potato-Heady monsters from the original series); a meeting with Agatha Christe; a two-parter from Steven Moffat set in a haunted library that’s rumoured to be the scariest they’ve ever done and, apparently lots and lots of Daleks. That’s where I'm going to be for the next three months. Hope you'll be there too!

Sunday:
Tiger: Spy in the Jungle – BBC1 8:00
It's not just tigers that are captured by Spy in the Jungle's cameras - other animals also get a look-in. Tonight there's an alarmed monkey who, open-mouthed at the approach of a family of tigers, senses he has to get the hell out of there. He looks a bit like Ian Beale when he knows a fight's about to kick-off in the Queen Vic. Last week we saw the tiger cubs as cute bundles of playful fluff; now they are approaching adulthood and are learning to hunt, coached by their redoubtable mother. And, kill anything that gets too close. An approach I applaud greatly.

Meanwhile, completely off-topic but I was recently told by a colleague about the best single complaint ever received by the Beeb. It related to an episode of Qi. Allegedly, a viewer e-mailed the corporation to note that he (or she) was "disgusted by comments in last week's episode by that wretched Jo Brand woman." Upon being asked by Stephen Fry whether she would like to have "a crack" at something, Ms Brand had, seemingly, replied "No, but I'd wave my crack at it." The viewer believed this to have been one of the most "tasteless and disgusting comments" he (or she) had ever heard on television. "I know your response is going to be that this show is on after the watershed but I simply don't care what the time of day it is, I have no wish to have Jo Brand's crack shoved down my throat" he (or she) concluded." Bless.

7 April 2008:
Clowns – 9:00 BBC2
Daisy Asquith investigates the mysterious world of one of the last great dying arts – the children's party entertainer. The talents of magicians, singers and clowns are often wasted on screaming, hyperactive brats who deserve a good taste of the belt and nowt besides. Did they aspire to greater artistic ambitions when they started their careers? And do they actually enjoy their work?

Extraordinary People: The World's Heaviest Man – 10:00 Five
Mexican Fattie Manuel Uribe battles to save his life by losing some weight. Well, you could try slimming Manuel, that sometimes works.

8 April 2008:
How to Look Good Naked – 8:00 C4
Expert stylist Gok Wan meets twins Suzy and Jeannie, who have differing views on their near-identical bodies. Meanwhile, journalists Rebecca Wilcox and Carole Machin lead an independent survey on highlighters and Gok challengers a group of slimmers to shed their clothes for a photo shoot. So much nicer and more interesting that those vile Trinny and Susannah women.

CSI – 9:00 Five
Red-letter day this as we’re actually getting an episode in the UK before it’s been shown in America (it’s all to do with the writers strike). Battling the flu, Grissom and his team must investigate the deaths of several witnesses from a grand jury case against a dangerous drug gang. One of their – occasional – “funny” episodes, which are usually highly watchable.

Masscare at Virginia Tech – 9:00 BBC2
Earlier this year saw the worst school shooting in American history, when a lone gunman killed 32 people on the campus of the Virginia Polytechnic Institute at Blacksburg. Using extensive access to key witnesses this documentary delves into the mystery of how Cho, a young man with no criminal history, became a mass murderer. These sort of things can be either sensationalist nonsense or hand-wringing "Oh! The humanity!" sob-fests but, just occasionally a filmmaker will steer a middle course and produce something extraordinary, incisive and genuinely revelatory. Jury's out on whether this one will be this years Bowling for Columbine or not.

9 April 2008:
Natural World: Reindeer Girls – 8:00 BBC2
Elle and Inga, 17-year-old cousins from the north of Norway, are far from ordinary teenagers. They are reindeer herders, equally at home helping the reindeer swim fjords or ice-fishing as surfing for porn on the Internet or happy slapping Big Sven the Local Gayboy and filming it on their mobile phones. We follow the girls and their families as they accompany the reindeer herds on their annual migration across the arctic tundra, gaining a unique insight into the lives of the girls and, also, of the magnficent creatures on which they depend in this bleak and beautiful world. Truly delightful. One of the most beautiful documentaries I've seen in years. Don't miss this one.

The Bill – 8:00 ITV
First of a two-parter starring the great Edward Woodward who is somewhat cast against type as a notorious East End gangster. Eh? David Callan? The Equaliser? Sgt Howie from The Wicker Man on the wrong side of the law? No bloody way! Nice to see Edward still getting good gigs though. As Hot Fuzz brilliantly proved last year, he remains one of the finest character actors we've got.

Extraordinary People – The Human Camera – 9:00 Five
Autistic artist Stephen Wiltshire is able to draw massively detailed landscapes entirely from memory. The programme charts his remarkable progress from childhood to international success as an artist and shows how he has overcome his autism to cope with social situations and to achieve a limited form of independence. Heartwarming and really well made as most of these Extraordinary People documentaries are.

10 April 2008:
The Way We Were – 7:30 ITV (Tyne Tees area only.)
Wallow in thirty more minutes of local nostalgia as archive clips are used to recall methods of transport from the 1950s and 60s – including steam trains and trolly buses. Even I can just about remember trolly buses in Newcastle. And it were all fields round here...

Celebrity Come Dine With Me – 8:00 C4
A "special" (it says here) episode of this cookery-based reality show in which chefs compete for the title of "the ultimate dinner party host." Great. Tamara Beckwith, MC Harvey (so, the definition of “celebrity” here is seemingly a bit vague, I guess), Lynsey de Paul and Jonathan Ansell take it in turns to play host with each being marked out of ten for their prowess in the kitchen. Sounds absolutely sodding wretched – so, will probably be worth a few minutes of your time just to see if it turns out to be as bad as it appears on paper.

Cotton Wool Kids – 9:00 C4
Documentary examining the changing face of childhood. Anxious parents, fearing that Britain’s never been more dangerous, are becoming increasingly protective of their offspring. The film focuses on three parents all admitting their fears are changing the lives of their children to the extent that they rarely have the freedom to play outside. Personally, I'd beat the little bastards with a shovel until they squeal and bubble and beg for mercy. And then I'd do it some more. But, anyway, enough of my ideas of fun... Yeah, interesting subject. and well worthy of discussion. This looks decent.

11 April 2008:
My Family – 9:00 BBC1
Return of the BBC’s premier sitcom starring the great Robert Lindsey and the equally great Zoe Wanamaker. Yes, it is ‘The Good Life: The Next Generation’ but it’s still, more often than you might admit, very funny - and it’s still got more proper jokes per episode than a whole season of tripe like Tittytittybangbang. Incidentally, I noticed a thirty minute episode of The Best of Tittytittybangbang on BBC3 the other week. I'm not, entirely, sure what they used to fill up the other twenty nine minutes of the slot but I'm sure they found something. Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Please, probably. I mean, that's what they use for every other slot they've got, isn't it?

Saturday:
Pushing Daisies – 9:00 ITV
The best new American show since The West Wing (and, before that, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) – I haven't been as evangelical about a show as much as I am about this one in years. It's a little piece of Tim Burton-like modern fairytale whimsy transferred to your TV screens. The story of a man (the excellent Lee Pace whom you'll never have heard of but, trust me, he's going to be a star) who can raise the dead, but with some awkward side effects. It also stars Anna Friel (from Brookie) who’s become, almost overnight, America’s new sweetheart ten years after she and her mum buried Trevor under the patio and she had the first pre-watershed lesbian kiss in TV History. And Jim Dale as The Voice of God (I mean, sold on THAT alone!) Almost impossible to describe, almost killed by the writers strike (but, thankfully, it survived) and utterly charming and wonderful. Do not, under any circumstances, miss this one or you might never find another one quite like it. Sod Casualty, THIS is where you need to be at nine o'clock on Saturdays for the next nine weeks. (Or, eight weeks as, apparently, ITV have decided for reasons best known to themselves not to show one of the episodes.)

Sunday:
Bear Grylls: Born Survivor – C4 8:00
Bear travels to some of the world’s most inhospitable places. A bit controversial now once it was revealed that, sometimes when filming, he stays in a hotel rather than the great outdoors! Mind you, some of them hotels can be bloodu jungles. Oh, and remember Doctor Who's on as well.

14 April 2008:
Waking the Dead – 9:00 BBC1
The seventh series of one of my favourite dramas finally arrives. It's been a bloody long wait! A British CSI but with much more depth and characterisation and always reliably and refreshingly bonkers in the plot department. Stars the usual team including the great Trevor Eve, the equally great Sue Johnston, Wil Johnson, the French bird nobody can remember the name of and the lovely Tara FitzGerald. It was still marginally better when Holly Aird and Claire Goose were in it, though!

16 April 2008:
Escape to the Country – 5:15 BBC2
A nice gentle way to unwind after work this show looks for the perfect rural retreat in Oxfordshire. Civilised.

Child Genius – 9:00 C4
A follow up show to the series C4 made last year about a group of super intelligent children. Includes Georgina who, at two years and nine months, became Britain’s youngest ever member of MENSA. Two years and nine months? Jesus, at that age I hadn’t even learned to use the potty properly.

Indiana Jones – The True Story 10:00 Five
With the new Indiana Jones move about to be released this documentary charts of lives of two of them men whom George Lucas and Steven Speilberg may have got the idea for the character from. US explorer and naturalist Roy Chapman who, in the 1920s led expeditions through China and Mongolia and German archeologist Otto Rahn who was fascinated by the Holy Grail and had an uncomfortable relationship with the Nazis. Good little series, this, I was very impressed with their Titanic show last year. Check it out.

17 April 2008:
The Simpsons – 6:00 C4
One of the maddest episodes ever – Our Lost Lisa – in which Lisa's attempts to visit the museum on her own leads to all sorts of mayhem and a bit of cat burglary from Homer! Wheel turns, civilisations rise and fall but The Simpsons remains, reliably, wonderful.

The Graham Norton Show – 9:00 BBC2 Tony Curtis and Kevin Bacon are amongst Graham's guests in the first of a new 12-part series. Always very watchable, this. I like Graham, he's got a clever balance between the outrageously camp and the genuinely revealing (loved his Who Do You Think You Are? too). And he always manages to get good stories out of his guests (the one, recently, with Martin Sheen and Ed Byrne being a case in point).

Sex, Lies and the Murder of Meredith Kercher – 9:00 C4
Another of the excellent Cutting Edge series looking at the ongoing investigation into the death of British student Meredith in Italy last year. Not the easiest of subjects to watch, certainly, but it’s sure to be fascinating as most of this fine series' films are.

18 April 2008:
Shark – 9:00 Five
It's not Five's biggest import, but Shark has a slick charm and is usually as cheesy as James Woods' grin. Series two begins with a bang – but not even a bomb can stem the flow of wisecracks from Sebastian Stark - the LA prosecutor whose methods are so nasty he gets only the most beautiful lawyers to work for him. Woods, as ever, is fantastic in the lead.

Have I Got News For You? – 9:00 BBC1
Ian Hislop and Paul Merton return for what seems like a millionth series. It's extraordinary that, after so long on air (nearly two decades), the show is still funnier and fresher than young pretenders like Mock the Week. Friday evenings simply haven't been the same without it. Tonight, Jack Dee is guest host.

Saturday:
Doctor Who – 6:20 BBC1
The appearance of Blackadder's Tim McInnery reminds us that there are lots of actors out there who are probably best known for comedy but often turn up in more serious drama - Robert Lindsey, Jimmy Bolam and Hugh Laurie just being three I thought of seconds before walking into the studio. Oh, and The Ood are back. So, avoid spaghetti for tea tomorrow I'd advise.

Sunday:
British Television Academy Awards – 8:00 BBC1
Coverage of the most revered television awards show in the UK, from the London Palladium. Twenty-three awards honouring the cream of British TV are up for grabs. And Doctor Who isn't up for any of them which is a God damned disgrace, frankly. And neither is Life On Mars which is an equal disgrace. Hosted by the disgraceful Graham Norton!

Foyle’s War – 8:00 ITV
Six days before the end of the war and Hastings is preparing to celebrate the victory. While Foyle anticipates his retirement Sam is left questioning where her life will lead. The good news is despite the war finishing the great Michael Kitchen may not be hanging up his truncheon just yet. And nor, indeed, might the excellently named Honeysuckle Weekes. Hope to see some post-war adventures from the delightfully shot nostalgia-fest.

21 April 2008:
Corrie – 7:30 ITV
So, David’s been banged up in stir. As if adjusting to life behind bars isn’t bad enough, Gail pays him a visit. oh, jeez. Wonder if he’ll be begging to be put in solitary on the next visiting day?

Time Team: The Lost Dock of Liverpool – 9:00 C4
Tony and the team are given access to the largest dig in the programme's history - the 42-acre site of The Paradise Project in Liverpool to unearth the secrets of the new European Capital of Culture. Interestingly, they discover that a similar state of redevelopment existed 300 years ago as the small seven-street town was transformed from an industrial backwater into England’s most important port. Never less than wonderful, Time Team. Effortlessly fascinating, persented with real and genuine enthusiasm and always worth watching.

22 April:
Hairy Bikers Come Home - 8:30 BBC2
A repeat, but a welcome one. Wor Si King, along with cheery Cumbrian mate Davey Myers, takes delight in showing off the cullinary delights of the North, East and West. The lads visit a farm in Northumberland that grows eighteen different varieties of tetties and have some local fun at the Whitley Bay Ice Rink - Davey's Abba tribute is a sight to see. The Trawlers at the North Shields Fish Quay provide the background as the boys cook "The Ultimate Fish Supper" (that's the "fish and chips" definition of fish supper and opposed to "a Friday night special with plenty of batter sand a whiff of the sea"). I mention this one partly it's great TV and you'll probably enjoy it, partly because there's so little decent stuff on tonight but, mainly, because Simon's actually a friend of a friend of mine and I said that I'd plug it!

Heather Mills: What Really Happened – 10:00 C4
Three-part series delving deeper into stories that have been saturated with media coverage. Jacques Peretti tries to separate fact from fiction concerning Heather Mills, talking to her father Mark and the ghost writer of her autobiography, Pamela Cockerill. I smell a stitch-up at the Behest of Saint Heather of Strawberry Fields, frankly! Macca, stand by your lawyer...

Ex-Forces & Homeless – 10:35 BBC1
On any night in London alone there are thought to be - shockingly - more than a thousand homeless services veterans. In some parts of the country they account for 12% of the homeless population. In this moving film Ken Hames, a veteran of 27 years' experience, takes to the streets to find out why so many ex-soldiers are homeless. Important subject, well-handled. Worth and hour of your time.

23 April 2008:
James Bond: The True Story - 9:00 Five
After last week's excellent Indiana Jones: The True Story, a look at the real-life story behind the creation of James Bond. This film reveals some hidden secrets behind Ian Fleming's wartime service in naval intelligence and profiles two colleagues of Fleming who could have supplied the basis for Bond's character. Now, did you know that Christopher Lee was Ian Fleming's cousin and also worked in intelligence during the war? But he doesn't like to talk about it.

Dan Cruickshank's Adventures in Architecture - 9:00 BBC2
Historian Dan Cruickshank celebrates creative architecture as he explores the world's greatest cities, buildings and monuments. I love this show - another example of who enthusiasm for a subject can make for fascinating TV.

Heist - BBC4 9:00
Drama based on a true story. When Dick Puddlecote is released from a Flanders jail in 1302 to discover his friends, livelihood and woman are all in hock to the King, he decides to exact revenge by breaking into the vault at Westminster Abbey and stealing all the King's gold. There's just one catch - failure would earn him and his gang ruthless torture, a gruesome death and, potentially, an eternity in hell. Stars Kris Marshall. A medival heist movie, basically - The Renaisance Italian Job, if you will. "You're only supposed to blow the cathedral doors off!"

24 April 2008:
The Way We Were – 7:30 ITV
We mentioned this excellent show a couple of weeks ago and it’s worth highlighting again the gentle nostalgia for the recent past that it effortlessly evokes. Tonight looks at leisure activities and holidays of the 50s and 60s. Stand by for the Knobbly Knees competition at Butlins. Good morning campers.

Heroes – 9:00 BBC2
Return of the cult US superhero show. It’s four months after the explosive events in New York but a deadly new threats loom as brand new meta-humans emerge worldwide. I have to say I was a bit disappointed by the second year (curtailed after eleven episodes due to the writers strike) - Kristen Bell being in it, notwithstanding - but a lot of people liked it. So, even though I am right and they are wrong, I'm recommending this.

The Baron – 10:35 ITVReality show in which three celebrities arrive in the Scottish town of Gardenstown to compete for a vacant Baronial title. Pop singer Suzanne Shaw, ex-Pistols manager Malcolm McLaren (last seen fleeing from the jungle before I'm a Tenth Rate Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race On TV Again, Please Vote For Me To Stay Here For As Long As Possible had even started) and former EastEnder Mike Reid - in his last television appearance - compete for the prestigious title. Sounds like yet another example of wretched, embarrassingly bad car-crash telly. So, probably worth an hour of your time just to say you were The One that watched it in years to come.

25 April 2008:Friday:
Stephen Fry and the Gutenberg Press - 9:00 BBC2
First shown on Four last week, Stephen examines the story behind the first media entrepreneur, the printing press inventor Johann Gutenberg, to find out why he did it, a story which involves both historical enquiry and hands-on craft and technology. As Stephen asks, one can imagine a world without cars or television but a world without the printed word...?

Saturday:
The Comedy Map of Britain 9:45pm BBC2
Alan Whicker narrates a spirited journey around the UK, pinpointing the special places that have inspired our major comic talents. Johnny Vegas and his potters wheel return to Edinburgh to relive his breakthrough 1997 Fringe show, and Rhona Cameron goes back to her home town of Musselburgh to the Girl Guides hut. What went on there, we only have this excert...

Pushing Daisies - 9:05pm ITV1
Emerson, Ned and Chuck are hired to prove that a pilot was murdered and didn't commit suicide. But they soon become involved in a case of stolen jewellery, an escaped prisoner a They Might be Giants song-and-dance number and a one-winged pigeon. Simply brilliant.

Sunday:
Midsomer Murders - 8:00pm ITV1
My mother’ll be happy about this one – it’s her favourite show. When Nick Cheyney, director of a new film of The Scarlet Pimpernel is beheaded by a guillotine on set, there is no shortage of suspects. Can Barnaby and Jones find the killer before the case becomes as bloody as the French Revolution?

30 April 2008:
Street Doctor - 7:30pm BBC1
A series that takes four interfering-busybody GPs out on to the streets of Britain. George, Barbara, Jonty and Ayan take their medical mission to Dover. Among the GP's impromptu - and probably unwilling - patients are channel swimmer Vicky, whose shoulder problem could affect her solo swim to France. And The Worshipful Mayor of Deal who has to face up to some hard facts about his weight when he bumps into Dr George and Dr Jonty at the market.

Desperate Housewives - 10:00pm Channel 4
Carlos walks out on his relationship with Edie. Susan finds Mike's supposedly dead father. An unexpected delivery at a Halloween party surprises the neighbourhood. Taking to Jonathan Miles last week, I know he’s a big fan, so this is specifically for him. Oh, and check out Kyle MacLaughlan's Halloween costume!

Escape from Alcatraz: The True Story - 9:00pm Five
Documentary examining a remarkable escape attempt from Alcatraz prison. In June 1962, three inmates successfully broke out of the jail and took to the waters of San Francisco Bay in a makeshift raft, never to be seen again. The film uses interviews with former inmates, guards and FBI agents to piece together the story of the escape, while three modern-day coastguards board a replica of the raft to see if it could have carried the men to freedom. Hope they're strong swimmers.

Top Telly Tips - March 2008

Well, I finally got my act together on this - I've been meaning to do it for about six months. Over the course of the next few days I'll be putting up some selected highlights from the Top Telly Tips slot from over the last six months or so. These are extended (and, sometimes, PG-16) versions of the daily previews I do for local radio in the North East.

Some of them are truly hilarious with a bit of hindsight (watch, with horror, as my early enthusiasm for The Invisibles and Bonekickers, for example, comes to pieces in my hands). Others, I stand by my preview comments totally, regardless of what anyone else thought!

So, let's start back in March. The weather was quite good then, I seem to remember.

2 March 2008:
An Island Parish 8:00 BBC2
I've mentioned this charming little show, about life on the Scilly Isles, previously. This week, we see how the islanders prepare for the long winter months when they'll have no tourists and, therefore, almost no external income similar to somewhere up here like Lindsifarne. Last week’s episode, about the opening of the island’s radio station - the smallest in Britain – was particularly good. Full of local colour and characters. Great stuff.

The Woman Who Stops Traffic 9:00pm Channel 4
Three-part series in which Kris Murrin (who she, you might ask? I don't know, frankly) takes on the challenge of persuading a town to leave their cars at home and go car free, for just one day. Her journey continues in Boston (Lincs, not Massachusetts), but she meets with apathy and opposition from the local council, community leaders and mums on the school run. Watched it last week and, I have to say, she really does come over as a thoroughly interfering busybody! Her heart might be in the right place but you don't win friends and influence people by name calling and having an "I'm right and you're wrong" attitude. Unless, like me, you ARE always right.


Mad Men 11:20 BBC2
Award-winning US drama about the cut-throat world of advertising in the early 1960s. Great cast (him out of Angel, her out of West Wing, etc!), loads of period charm, but why is it on so late? If it finds an audience I expect this to be this year’s big US cult hit. The music is especially great – the moment towards the end of this episode when they play Vic Damone and the Percy Faith Orchestra's version of ‘On the Street Where You Live’ over some gorgeous shots of picket-fenced American suburbia is like something out of a Scorsese movie. Hugely recommended.

3 March 2008:
Rock Rivals 9:00 ITV
New ITV drama starring Michelle Collins and Sean Gallagher as a married couple who are also the frequently bitching judges on a reality TV show (imagine if Simon and Sharon got hitched!) It sounds perfectly *dreadful* but will probably worth a shot for one episode if only to remind yourself that there is life after EastEnders.

Extraordinary People: The Fastest Man on No Legs 9:00 Five
The story of Oscar Pistorius who, with the aid of artificial limps, had become a multi-Paraolympic champion and can even give some of the fastest 100 metre sprinters in the world a run for their money. But now, he’s been banned from the able bodied Olympics this year because, they believe, he has an unfair advantage.

4 March 2008:
Eggheads – BBC2 6:00
A long running smug-fest, featuring five of the smuggest know-it-alls ever to appear on telly. If you had a device that measured smugness, the smuggly named CJ would break it with a smug overdose. His specialist subject is being smug. Pub quiz teams the length of the country line-up to give these smuggers a good quiz kicking only to be beaten daily by a quintet who, frankly, need to get out more. For I change, I suggest they have other pub related activies such as fighting in the car park after last orders. See who's the smug one then.

Phone Rage 9:00 C4
It’s estimated that at the current rate the average Briton will spend a year of their lives on call-holding whilst trying to get through to a call centre, listing to some cheesy music loop or an annoyingly bland voice telling them that, unfortunately, all of the operators are busy right now. This Cutting Edge documentary gives call centre workers the chance to vent their spleen. Well, they took the bloody job in the first place...!

7 March 2008:
Last Orders 9:00pm BBC2
Filmmaker Henry Singer tells the story of the Wibsey Workingmen's Club in Bradford. The club is struggling to survive, and members' worries for their beloved institution reflect larger anxieties about and within their community. With high unemployment, immigration, and the smoking ban, members feel their very way of life is under threat. Part of an interesting looking BBC2 season about the working classes in 21st Century Britain.

Saturday
Guilty Pleasures - 9:30 ITV
An hour of various groups and singers doing cover versions of songs they'd normally be too cool to admit to liking. Sounds like potential car-crash telly so I'll definitely be watching. Highlight? Sophie Ellis-Baxter doing 'Yes Sir, I Can Boogie'! Let’s face it, you just don’t want to miss that.

Gagging For It - TV's Hunger for Radio Comedy - 10:30 BBC2
From Hancock and The Goons right up to Mitchell and Webb, TV has traditionally plundered whatever comedy radio has been covering for the past two years. This pocket history looks at the most successful (and unsuccessful) transfers ... and asks, when's Alfie Joey's Comedy Cuts going to make the transition?

Sunday
Wild at Heart - 7:30 ITV
Last of the current season of what's being described in the business as "Heartbeat with Lions". Gentle Sunday night telly in the South African bush though you do wonder how much longer Stephen Tompkinson will be able to get away with that “sympathetic idiot” act he does? Maybe in the next series they should bring in Ross Kemp to make him look like an actor. It must be a tough job, though when the two leads are sometimes acted off screen by an elephant and a giraffe.

Wife Swap - 8:00 Channel 4
This is the American version: Tonight, a daring mother of a family of sideshow performers swaps places with a fashion conscious former Miss Teen. The Americans have managed to squeeze all the life and fun out of this series, but it's still oddly watchable and (very) occasionally feel-good telly. After all, let's face it who doesn’t enjoy watching extremely crazy people arguing with each other? Do you know anyone who would go on this show? If it were viewed from the future what on Earth would it say about us today?

10 March 2008:
EastEnders - 8:00 BBC1
Never far from glowering menacingly, Sean is perfectly disgruntled as he sees Max edging his way back into Tanya's life. Why are there no sympathetic men in this series? How come Max gets away with his lotharo act when he looks like an angry snooker ball? Sean could be a Prince Harry body double, Ian Beale’s never been sympathetic and what about his long lost son who doesn't know if he's Martha or Arthur and looks like a trainee goth with all the character of a door marked exit? Where have all the nice guys gone? Hang on … EastEnders? Nice guys? Nah … forget I asked…

The Fixer - 9:00 ITV
New six-part drama about a former solider released from jail and drawn into the activities of a shadowy organisation. Sounds bit like a watered down The Last Enemy without the quality of script, but it's got Tamzin Outhwaite in it so it'll be nice to look at at worst.

11 March 2008:
This World - Miss Gulag - 7:00 BBC
A Siberian woman's prison might seem an unlikely setting for a beauty pagent but staff believe it raises inmates morale. Among the contestants are Tatania and Yula in, respectively, for assault and heroin dealing. Will somebody try to use the tiara as a deadly weapon?

Mad Men - 11:20 BBC2
Have to mention, again, just how astonishingly good this US import is. Suberbly paced character-driven drama. If you liked, for example, The Sporanos or The West Wing, you will LOVE this. Also, note, if you don't fancy staying up till past midnight watching it, and you've got freeview, episode are also shown on Sunday on BBC4.

Dexter – 11:35 ITV
Another superb US import – and, again, given a graveyard slot due to content. It’s about a nice family guy who works as a blood patterns expect working for the Miami police department but has a secret life as a serial killer (but, and here’s the catch, he only kills murderers or rapists). There’s something really clever at the paranoid heart of this show about waht makes America in the 21st Century tick. It's fear, bascially. Very dark, very gory but also often very funny and occasionally quite endearing too. On late due to subject matter, but it’s worth a look at through your fingers.

12 March 2008:
Brainbox Challange - 6:30 BBC2
Another one of those early evening gameshows designed for people who desperately want to avoid The News at all costs. This one, at least, is quite amusing and is introduced by Clive Anderson which guarantees a few laughs.

Wonderland: The Curious World of Frinton-on-Sea - 9:50 BBC2
I think we've mentioned near enough every episode of this thrilling series on Britain's great eccentrics. Tonight sees the last episode of the series and concerns the - frankly barmy - inhabitants of the Essex seaside resrot of Frinton where, it seems, time stopped sometime in the 1950s! Let's have another series of this marvellous show, BBC.

13 March 2008:
Judge Judy - 6:15pm ITV2
New York City's outspoken family court judge Judy Sheindlin presides over a series of real-life cases and conflicts, trying to find solutions for all kinds of family issues. An episode I saw recently when I was in the US had a woman suing a fellow motorist for damages. I thought they said "fellow murderess". I though, blimey, Judge Judy's going up in the world!

10 Things You Didn't Know About Tsunamis - BBC2 8:00
Iain Stewart (fast becoming BBCs new James Burke) explores the phenomena of tidal waves. Good stuff this, doing something that - via Horizon and shows like it - the BBC has always done so well, making science intelligable to the great unwashed masses.

Pramface Babies - 9:00 Channel 4
Documentary following the trials and tribulations of four young expectant mothers. The featured women are just a few of the 8,000 who give birth at Liverpool Women's hospital each year, which is the biggest of its kind in Europe. A Cutting Edge doc which looks awful but will probably be very good – the one about the two abducted girls last week was fabulous television. When Channel 4 get this sort of thing right, it usually works.

14 March 2008
Friday
Sports Relief – BBC1/BBC2 From 7:30
I’m not really a big fan of these all night "charideee" events but there’s usually a few highlights worth watching amid all the crass sermons and the “give us yer money” stuff. Shearer’s great bike adventure, for instance, and A Question of Sport Relief hosted by Jimmy Carr leap out somewhat. Don’t forget, whilst the news is on at 10 o’clock there’s a Top Gear/Ground Force crossover. Should be funny. And controversial, at least with people whose sense of humour died from oxygen starvation a decade ago.

Saturday
I’d Do Anything – BBC1 7:30
After the success of Maria and Any Dream Will Do comes the BBC’s gift to child slave labour, finding a new lead for Oliver! Barry Humphries as one of the judges should provide a few laughs. Graham Norton presents and the omni-present John Barrowman also shows up. Is there any truth in the rumour that the BBC now stands for Barrowman Broadcasting Corporation?

Sunday
The Passion – BBC1 8:00
Four part retelling of the story of Jesus’s final week. Looks great from the trailers although the novelty value casting of James Nesbitt as Pilate might provide a few unintended laughs. Also, a quick mention of tonight’s South Bank ShowRevolution 68 – covering a really cool period of history and with a soundtrack to match.

17 March 2008:
Corrie – 7:30 + 8:30 ITV
So, Gail’s had this nasty tumble and the police are breathing down Jason’s neck over his role in the “accident”. David, you naughty little scamp, just tell ‘em what you done! Meanwhile on EastEnders - 8:00 BBC1 - has anybody noticed how downright evil that Christian’s smile is? It looks like a cross between Father Jack and somebody who’s just had a hamster run up their trouser leg.

Alternative Therapies – 9:00 BBC2
Professor Kathy Sykes investigates the complex world of herbal remedies, aromatherapy and reflexology which are becoming very popular. Tonight, hypnotherapy as an aid to quitting smoking and giving up chocolate.

18 March 2008:
The Diets That Time Forgot – C4 9:00
Nine overweight volunteers check into the Institute of Physical Culture to put some old-fashioned weight-loss plans to the test. More desperate food fascism brought to you by Channel 4 - a channel, let's remember, that is seemingly happy to broadcasts adverts from McDonalds and Marks & Spencer’s Instant Heart Attack range. Hypocrites.

CSI – Five 9:00
Last episode for a few weeks because they’ve hit the point where the writers strike kicked in. Radio Times are still claiming this is episode 11 “of 24”. Oh no it isn’t! Tonight’s plot is plain bonkers about a team of sperm-rustlers in the professional bull rider scene. No, really!

The Grumpy Guide to … Work – BBC2 10:00
Exposing the horror that is work – from having to write a CV and decipher meaningless management speak to tips on throwing a sickie. Is that a bit "ethically dodgy" for the BBC to be doing?

19 March 2008
Bill Oddie’s Wild Side – BBC2 8:00
Last in the current series of wildlife shows from that wretched beady little Communist who used to be quite funny thirty years ago but is now a sad embarrassment. Bit of local interest here as one of the location tonight is the Farne Islands looking at how the puffins are getting on. Hope none of them attack Bill cos, you know, that would be terrible.

The Curse of Steptoe – BBC4 9:00
Major drama about the awkward love-hate relationship between Harry H Corbett (The West Wing’s Jason Isaacs) and Wilfred Brambell (a scarily good Phil Davis) when working on classic 1960s sitcom Steptoe and Son. Written by Brian Fillis who did Fear of Fanny last year – another magical slaughtering of some TV sacred cows. Beeb4 are doing a series of these portraits of tortured geniuses – Trevor Eve playing Hughie Green, Ken Stott portraying Hancock and David Walliams as Frankie Howerd.

20 March 2008
Channel Five’s Big Night In!
Rough Guide to Cities – 7:30 Five
Travel series that visits top destinations around the world, presented – with real enthusiasm - by Julia Bradbury (so good in that Wainwright's Walks thing on the BBC recently) and former MTV presenter Toby Amies. Julia explores the cabaret and cuisine of Berlin whilst Toby learns to Samba in Rio.

House – Five 9:00
Fourth series of the award-winning Hugh Laurie vehicle about a rude, arrogant and brilliant surgeon. This year, House has sacked his juniors doctors so he hires about forty replacements and plays games with their minds. And, hopefully, they’ll finally give Lisa Edelstein something worthwhile to do.

21 March 2008
Hannah Hauxwell: Thirty Years On - ITV 7:30.
Daleswoman Hannah became famous in the 1970s when ITV featured her, and her simple but backbreakingly hard, lifestyle on one of their Real Lives documentaries. She lived alone - except for her dairy cows - on an isolated farm in North Yorkshire, without electricity or running water living on just a couple of hundred pounds a year. Yet her cheerful and pleasant outlook on life won the hearts of viewers. A follow-up documentary a few years cemented the public's love affair with her. Eventually she was forced to give up her farm due to her advancing age but she then featured in a delightful series - An Innocent Abroad - in which she toured Europe and America with a camera crew. This documentary catches up with Hannah once again, now in her eighties but still active, alert and, thankfully living in much more comfortable conditions these days in a little cottage in a village near her old farm. Truly excellent, inspirational and heartwarming stuff. Forget X-Factor and programmes like it which celebrate the meanness and ill-tempered nature of modern existence - everybody should watch this. Trust me, you won't regret it.

Dirty Sexy Money - 9:00 Channel 4
Peter Krause, best known as Nate from Six Feet Under, plays Nick, a do-gooding New York lawyer who enters into a Faustian pact with a billionaire – played brilliantly by Donald Sutherland. The deal is: Nick will work for The Man and his brood of spoilt rich-kids if the Sutherland character donates ten million dollars to good causes. So begins a fun, soapy family-saga. A kind of weird mix of House, Arrested Development and The Sopranos. Good stuff and guaranteed a cult following ala Desperate Housewives.

Saturday:
Dad’s Army – 8:00 BBC2/The Vicar of Dibley – 9:35 BBC1
Was the latter as funny as it’s ratings suggest? And, why does the former still get millions of viewers thirty years after the final episode? Discuss!

The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency - 9:00 BBC1
The great Anthony Minghella died on Wednesday. His final directing gig was this TV movie adaptation of the Alexander McCall Smith novels set in tribal Africa (and co-written with Richard Curtis). Filmed in Botswana (which, seemingly, did survive the Top Gear boys driving across it last year), this stars two of my favourite actors David Oyelowo (from Spooks and The Passion) and Colin Salmon (from the James Bond movies).

He Kills Coppers - 9:00 ITV
London 1966. The era of Harry Roberts and the Krays. DC Frank Taylor is an ambitious police officer weeks away from his dream posting to the Flying Squad. Life hasn't treated ex-Borstal boy Billy Porter well since his national service in the Far East. The lives of these two men become inextricably linked on the day after the World Cup Final. Stars the excellent Rafe Spall among others. Looks tremendous, a kind of Our Friends in South! Made by the same team who did The Long Firm for the BBC a couple of years back.

24 March 2008
As Likely Lad Bob Ferris once noted "in the chocolate box of life, the top layer’s already gone and somebody’s nicked the orange crème from the bottom."

Corrie – 7:30 + 8:30 ITV
Leanne ropes Paul into a dodgy new scam involving burning down the restaurant. There’s no smoke without fire. David, meanwhile, is horrified when he finds out that Gail’s memory of the, ahem, “accident” may return.

Shops, Robbers and Videotape - 10:00pm Five
Second in a two-part documentary using CCTV to explore the ongoing fight against crime in Britain. Featuring incredible footage of thieves in action, the programme how the police and in-store security teams are fighting back in ever more sophisticated ways.

25 March 2008
According to Steven Fry, reviewing television shows is the most pointless occupation in the world. Quite right too. Welcome, therefore, to two more minutes of utter pointlessness.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire - 8:00pm ITV
Chris Tarrant presents as ten hopeful contestants compete for a place in the hotseat and the chance to walk away with a top prize of one million pounds. This used to be really good. It isn’t now! You really need to watch this on Sky+ so you can fast-forward through all the waffle and get to the questions.

Johnny's New Kingdom - 8:30pm BBC2
O Badger, Where art Thou? Following the adventures of Johnny Kingdom, wildlife cameraman, he builds his own nature reserve. It's early June and Johnny still hasn't seen any badger cubs. Armed with his friend's invention, he looks underground.

Hotel Babylon - 9:00pm BBC1
Hollywood has come to town and the team is forced to handle the egos of the latest botoxed-box-office pairing who are filming at the hotel. As Gino and Ben compete for the director's attention in a bid to get 'noticed', Jack has to keep the bickering movie stars happy in order to secure their on-screen chemistry and prevent the sponsors from pulling the plug on the film. John Barrowman (to quote Father Ted “is that gobshite on television AGAIN?!”) guest-stars.

26 March 2008
Storm Chasers - 8:00pm Five
Filmmaker Sean Casey and research meteorologist John Wirman risk life and limb to track and film tornadoes. The storm chasers track an enormous mesocyclone across a desolate expanse of land. A difference of opinion between the team leaders results in a panicked retreat from a gathering storm.

Natural World - 8:00pm BBC2
Elephant Nomads of the Namib Desert. Martyn Colbeck tells the story of two baby elephants struggling to survive. Their first six months are critical in the starkly beautiful deserts of Namibia. This is the most endangered elephant population in the world - it was devastated by poaching in the 1980s, so every new calf is vital. When rivers disappear underground, their survival depends on the females who lead their young from one remembered food source to the next. Remember that the next time your young’un is begging for some pop.

Desperate Housewives - 10:00pm Channel 4
Black comedy drama set in suburban America. This opening episode of the fourth series finds the neighbourhood shocked as the news concerning Edie spreads through Fairview. Lynette is battling the effects of chemotherapy, and a new family arrives in Wisteria Lane. I love the cynicism and sheer nastiness of much of Desperate Housewives and maybe that’s the reason why it has such a cult following. Or, it might just be Teri Hatcher. Either way, this is always “make a date” TV.

27 March 2008
Did you know that the BBC’s motto is And Nation Shall Speak Peace Onto Nation? Remember that the next time Arlene and Bruno are having a right ding-dong on Strictly Come Dancing.

Holby Blue - 8:00pm BBC1
Drama series about the police officers and CID unit of Holby South. John and Luke work against the clock to discover the source of a deadly batch of drugs. Robert realises he wants to be a part of his son's life. I've been quite enjoying this recently although I understand the ratings are pretty poor.

House - 9:00pm Five
Hugh Laurie continues to be jaw-droppingly brilliant as the maverick, anti-social New Jersey doctor. In tonight’s episode he treats a fighter pilot whose confused vision and hearing causes her to hallucinate. Meanwhile, he begins the process of whittling down forty applicants to become his new team. The House/Wilson scenes are a weekly delight for anybody that revels in wry, witty, intelligent humour.

My Name Is Earl - 10:00pm Channel 4
American comedy series starring the excellent Jason Lee charting the misadventures of small-time crook Earl, who after winning the lottery tries to make amends for his past misdeeds. There's a nice "feel-good" element to this show which makes it worth sticking with through some, occasionally, dry and arid spells.

28 March 2008
Benidorm - 9:00pm ITV
Everybody's back at the Solanas for more sun, sangria and swinging - including Madge's new boyfriend Mel, Didsbury's answer to Julio Iglesias. This hilarious Johnny Vegas vehicle makes a virtue of it’s “1970s sitcom” set-up and character and – often – it’s equally dated jokes. Bawdy, daft and usually side slittingly funny. It’s immediately followed at 9:30 by another new dysfunctional family sitcom, Teenage Kicks, this one starring Ade Edmondson whose been away from our screens for far too long. ITV sitcoms, eh? Like London buses you wait ages for one then two turn up at once.

Sunday
Time Team - 4:45pm Channel 4
Having enjoyed a fascinating trip up this neck of the woods to Hamsterley a couple of weeks ago Tony Robinson and the team end their current season with a trip to South Wales in search of King Harold. Here’s a little bit of trivia for you, in relation to I’d Do Anything. Tony Robinson was the second actor to play the Artful Dodger in the original 1960 stage production of Oliver! The third, was Davy Jones of The Monkees who'd just finished a stint on Corrie as Ena Sharples grandson. There you go, you learn something new every day form Keith Telly Topping and His Top TV Tips.

Around the World in 80 Gardens – 9:00 BBC2
Monty Don concludes his extraordinary journey with a tour of South East Asia, on a quest for the real tropical garden. A nice, gentle, flowery end to the weekend and that old Back to Work on Monday feeling.

31 March 2008:
Coronation Street – 7:30 and 8:30 ITV
Leanne finally persuades somebody – specifically Paul – to burn down the restaurant as part of hugely over-complex insurance scam-type affair. As the inferno rages, will someone Copper's Nark on her and stitch her up like a kipper. She’s led an interesting life, that lass – she’s been a prostitute, a drug addict, a blackmailer, held hostage in an armed robbery in the Rovers and imprisoned in the boot of a car. And worst of all she was Nicky Tilsley’s girlfriend.

University Challenge: The Professionals - 8:00pm BBC2
One of best things about this spin-off is the size of the egos. By and large, students haven't had a chance to assemble enormously high opinions of themselves. But once you get to accomplished men and women of the world - doctors, lawyers, hawkish civil servants - the egos are there for the bruising. Grown men and women who wouldn't quail before a high-court judge or whilst having a cardiac arrest start to freeze in the glare of Paxman's headlights. It's TV gold! First up is a team of Scottish barristers against four hospital consultants who work at the Royal Bolton Hospital. "Come on!"

Delia - 8:30pm BBC2
Delia shares quick curry recipes - chicken Masala, coconut Sambal and Thai green prawn curry. Away from the kitchen, Delia opens a Deli with the daughter of the late, great Radio One DJ John Peel, who once described Delia as the most uncool person he had ever met. Though, did you know she cooked the cake featured on the cover of The Rolling Stones Let it Bleed LP? Oh, you did. Fair enough...

Monday, August 18, 2008

I LOVE Rebecca Romero


Yeah, okay. Keith Telly Topping freely confesses, . any excuse to use this particular image.

But, it does have a serious point,dear blog reader (honest).

This blogger can barely get out of bed in the morning without being out of breath. This lady is an Olympic medal winner in not just one sport, but two. When Rebecca Romero found a back injury was threatening her (already highly successful) rowing career, she - quite literally - got on her bike and went looking for something else to be brilliant at.

You go girl. That is – and I don't get inspired by much these days - truly inspirational.

Keith Telly Topping now thoroughly regrets that he gave up riding a bike when he left school, not only might he have been a few stone lighter by now but, also, he might've won a few prizes as well.

So, for Becky, Bradley, Chris, Victoria, Nicole and all the other boys and girls on the bikes both in and out of the Velodrome my congratulations. You've made an old peddler regret his exceptionally misspent twenties.

PS: This blogger also loves Victoria Pendleton. Do we detect a theme emerging here, dear blog reader?

Giving My Sport A Bad Name

This blogger very rarely comments on anything that another TV reviewer have had to say. For some fairly obvious reasons; accusations of professional jealousy are easy things to sling around like so many javelins. And, you can have someone's eye out with one of them if you're not careful. However, every once in a while I stumble across a piece which makes my blood boil and which my sense of natural justice simply will not allow to pass without me saying something.

Kevin O'Sullivan in one of the Daily Mirror's TV reviewers. On most days, his bitchy paragraph-and-a-half comments on whatever brain-sludge it is that passes for 'entertainment' on ITV these days fly straight by me without so much as threatening to invade my consciousness. He's no Charlie Brooker or Caitlin Moran though, to be fair, he's not even a Gary Bushell, Ian Hyland or Alison Graham either. In fact, I'm actually struggling to think of something he's ever said in a previous review which I can even pass comment upon, such is the total lack of impact that his no doubt delicately conceived atom-bombs of incisive wit have on me. His is, frankly, wallpaper TV critique. That is, until this little gem appeared: 'While the BBC's vast army of anonymous commentators bubble with breathless excitement, the battle back in Britain is to stay conscious. Sure, Team sensation Tom Daley and his petulant partner Blake Aldridge came "eighth" in the synchronised diving. Translation: LAST. What's the most boring Olympic GB have won a few medals. But mostly we endure the traditionally tedious celebration of mediocrity. "That is absolutely the greatest British relay swim I have ever seen," screamed some overheated idiot. We were fourth. According to the insanely patriotic TV cheerleaders, teen sport? Canoeing, clay-pigeon shooting, cycling, archery... you decide. Face it, these dullsville minority events are about as gripping as a dead snail race.'

What a really funny man. That's a certain gold medal for Advanced Sarcasm (With Pike) for you there, Kevin. Incidentally kids, this is what Kevin looks like just in case you were wondering: Cor, he's a good looking lad isn't he, ladies? I'll bet you all think he's drop dead sexy. So, anyway Kevin, could you run this one by me again please because I'm a little bit confused? Tom Daley is fourteen years old. Fourteen. And he has already appeared in an Olympic final. So what the fuck, exactly, is your great contribution to society then? Apart, of course, from encouraging the country's youth to refrain from getting off their increasingly obese arses and joining their local athletics, swimming, cycling, or rowing clubs and, perhaps, becoming the next Rebecca Romero, Becky Adlington or Phillips Idowu, but to, instead, stay in their gaffs and watch The X-Factor. You steaming shower of hypocritical diarrhoea.

Lewis Smith is just eighteen. Yesterday, he won a bronze medal in gymnastics, Britain's first for one hundred  years. What, I have to wonder, were you doing when you were eighteen, Kevin? Sitting on the sofa stuffing bags full of crisps into your face, perhaps? That's what I was doing, I'll freely admit. Pure dead easy, wasn't it? No effort required whatsoever. The hardest thing you had to do all day was to walk to the fridge, or to pick up the remote control. You're a God damned inspiration to all of us fat, dead-before-our-time fortysomethings. You Da Man, Kev. I'm just wondering but, do you happen to kiss your own reflection before you go to bed? Just a wild stab in the dark there...

Of course, in some ways what made this thoroughly wretched and worthless louse of an individual's comments far funnier than they should have been under normal circumstances was the fact that his 'review' appeared in the newspaper on the very weekend that lots of young people (and lots of older people, for that matter) in Great Britain woke up, switched on their TV sets and discovered, hey whaddya know, there is stuff that goes on in this country which we're actually quite good at. That must have been a hell of a shock to them having spent most of their lives being convinced by wankers like this odious excuse for an onion that sport is far too much like hard work when you've got TV instead. But there you go - that's the emphatic nature of the Twenty First Century, I guess. Want, want, want. Want it all, want it now, heaven forbid I have to get out of my seat to get it.

The irony (which, Kevin, I can assure you isn't something your mum does with your shirts after she's washed them) was that O'Sullivan's own newspaper (if you can actually call the Mirror such a thing these days - which is probably pushing it) was busy giving a thorough brown-tongued rimming to Britain's Olympians. To Adlington, Romero, Smith, Chris Hoy, Bradley Wiggins, Ben Ainslie et al. Most of whom they'd probably never heard of ten days ago and, even if they had, frankly couldn't have cared less about because they're not former shit-for-brains members of Atomic Kitten, or people who've recently been kicked out of The Big Brother House. More than that they were busy devoting whole chunks of their pages which would normally be given over to tittle-tattle and 'celebrity' instead to 'our brave - and successful - Olympian boys and girls.' Does it feel good to be so out of step with the rest of the country - not to mention your own editors - Kev? Do you feel like A Man? Still, I'm sure that Simon Cowell continues to love you and tabloid scum reviewers like you. And we all know what a fantastic judge of a person's true and genuine worth in the great scheme of things HE is, don't we? A much more interesting - and far better written - article on a similar subject can be found in the Independent by James Lawton. Check it out, it's well worth a few minutes of your time. Although, beware - it's not from a tabloid for it includes some words of longer than two syllables.

I love television and I always will - I've spent most of my life watching it and half of my adult career commenting on it. I do so for magazines and for local radio but, even if I didn't, I'd still write about TV on this blog or in fanzines because I enjoy sharing the enthusiasm that I have for a medium which I consider to be a genuine artform with others of a similar mindset. But there are days, and today is one of them, when I feel fucking ashamed to be in the same business as crass, narrow-minded, done-nothing, celebrity-by-non-entity indviduals such as this one.

It's not just Kev that got my rag up today either. Check out, for instance, some of the comments on Matt Slater's BBCi blog which would, perhaps, give Mister O'Sullivan a good run for his money in the 2012 Advanced Cynicism Olympic final. I know cynicism is something we've always done so well in this country but, lads, we're actually better at cycling these days. So, can we please leave one of the old national sports behind us just for a few weeks and concentrate on what's happening in the Velodrome? That's not asking too much, is it? A couple of days later the O'Sullivan disease even seemed to have spread to one of his Mirror colleague, the sports writer Oliver Holt (somebody for whose work, I must say, I normally have quite a bit of time for). In this, ostensibly celebratory, article about Britain's cycling success Oliver writes: 'It would have been nice if Bradley Wiggins and some of the others had shown a little more humility in the wake of their successes instead of bragging about how they had "pissed over the rest of the world."' Why? Why is it that we have to show humility if we win something, Ollie? Bradley Wiggins is one of the best cyclists in the world, why the hell shouldn't he be shouting that from the rooftops? He's won three Olympic gold medals - two in these games - he deserves nothing less than a moment of Usain Bolt-style breast-beating if that's what he wants, he's earned that right. Why is it that this country expects our sportsmen and women to be not only winners but, simultaneously, to be monks and nuns, to be politically neutral, to avoid any controversy like the plague and to - and this of course is a hangover from the bloody Nineteenth Century - "know their place"? Sod that, Ollie. Gone are the days where we tug forlocks and abase our Working Class asses before The Management, all that nonsense went out with Douglas Jardine and Harold Larwood. Why should the British be almost-apologetic about winning stuff as people like you seem to want us to be? No other country is. Can you imagine the reaction in, say, Australia to a suggestion by a genuinely respected sports journalist in a national newspaper that their cricketers, just for example, should 'show some humility' if they win the Ashes next year? He'd be put on a plane and be out of there faster than they got Gary Glitter out of Vietnam. Oliver, I'm sorry mate I really do like your football reportage a great deal and I think you're very engaging on Soccer Supplement but you, like your scum pal at the Mirror O'Sullivan, are absolutely symptomatic of everything that is wrong with this country's attitude to sport and, indeed, to life in general. We'll never produce winners if we shuffle about like losers and hide our achievements with false modesty. We deserve our moment in the sun.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Oh, And I SO Wanted To Believe!

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping as just been to the press showing of the new X-Files movie.

It was a something of a severe disappointment, sadly.

I mean, it's not dreadful, let's get that straight from the outset. In fact, it's not only a reasonably competently made movie, it's probably about two-thirds of the way towards being really a rather good one. The acting for most of the cast is tremendous - in particular Billy Connolly, cast completely against type, who puts in a very worthwhile turn.

But ... I would hate to be anybody watching that film who had never seen the series. In fact, I'll go further, I would hate to be anybody watching it who didn't have a pretty damned impressive grounding in the series. Like, you know, 'having co-written two books on the subject' worth of grounding.

Prosecution Exhibit, Number One: A series of utterly pointless continuity references thrown in about every ten minutes for no obvious plot reason whatsoever. (Sample dialogue: 'You've investigated psychics before, Agent Mulder. Like Luther Lee Boggs and Clyde Bruckmann and ...' Queue the guy next to me from The Journal going 'huh?!' a couple of times then asking me if that was important!) The term 'fanwank' is often badly misused by many people these days but this is exactly the kind of thing this blogger's old friend Craig Hinton had in mind when he first popularised the use of the word and its creative limits. A reference placed into a text for no other reason than simply to pleasure fans - and, as a consequence, to baffle the hell out of anybody who has the misfortune not to be a fan. Not, necessarily, a bad thing taken in isolation - after all, who doesn't enjoy a wank every now and then? - but, when done repeatedly - and deliberately - taking on the slightly spiteful appearance of crass exclusivity and rank pompousness.

Prosecution Exhibit Number Two: The inclusion of the character of Walter Skinner (played brilliantly, as always by Mitch Pileggi), who appears from absolutely nowhere - and with no prior reference - twenty minutes from the end and with no explanation as to who he is for anybody in the audience that simply doesn't know. Plus, there is a major subplot about Scully and a little sick boy which is about as wet as a slap in the mush with a haddock and twice as unwelcome. Gillian actually looks embarrassed at various points and, to be honest, I can't say I blame her. It's mawkish in the extreme and it goes on forever. And in a movie which is only just over an hour and a half long, that is not a good thing.

As one of my colleagues at Radio Newcastle - someone who doesn't have a big background knowledge of the series - noted, he came out of the cinema thinking 'Is that it?' He also speculated that, despite his limited knowledge of the show, he considered the movie to be 'a not very good - or particularly representative - episode of the series stretched out to movie length.' I couldn't have put it better myself.

Still, at least Duchovny seemed to put his heart and soul into the thing this time. That - just about - managed to wipe out the bad taste of his various 'do I have to do these episodes?' appearances in seasons seven and eight n the TV series. Gillian has had (many) better days but she's decent enough in this. Like I say, the acting isn't the problem...

Ah well, at least The Dark Knight was great.

Meanwhile, in other news, it's Too Damn Hot.

That is all.