The Geese Are Getting Fat, So Please Put A Penny In Keith Telly Topping's Titfer

What say ye, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, to a From The North update coming to you, direct, from The Stately Telly Topping Manor? All right, suit yerselves, you're getting one anyway whether you want (or even deserve) it, or not. Hit The Blog Signal, very actual Keith Telly Topping and let us, hence, get this party started.

Then suddenly ... the arrival of The Three Stooges (and one, unidentified extra) it would appear.

Do you, this blogger wonders, need but one more reason to loathe some Americans and every single thing they stand for, dear bloggerisationism fiends? Well, their belief that US customs, doings and ways extends to everyone in the entire sodding world, even groups of musicians born four thousand miles away in another country is one pretty good example to start with. Because, of course, the world clearly begins at the Statue of Liberty and ends at the Golden Gate Bridge, does it not? Gertcha.

Christ, dear blog reader, this blogger effing hates Americans. Except, of course, for the several dozen of his beast fiends who happen to suffer the misfortune of being from that most benighted of lands. Bad luck, chaps and lady chaps, you have this blogger's infinite sympathy.

Meanwhile, allow this blogger to give you a perfect illustration of why naming your child after the star of Dirty Harry isn't, always, a brilliantly thought-through plan. Particularly if they then go on to appear in comics. 

Next, I dunno ... this blogger would still probably eat there, you know. One imagines they have parking in the rear, no doubt.

On a similar note, the naming committee needs to have another look at this one, the blogger would venture.

The most recent From The North bloggerisationism update featured confirmation that the casting of Fearing in the Night (Hammer Productions/An Exclusive Film Release, 1955) was now thoroughly complete.

Well, dear blog fiends, you will (possibly) be delighted to know, it's now got a title sequence to go with it.

And after that, this. Dunno about you, dear blog fiend, but this blogger reckons she's right to look abjectly horrified at the prospect.

So, anyway, dear bloggersationism fiends, this blogger had been - as his dear Facebook fiends and dear BluSky fiends will be well aware - getting increasing narked and in a rightly girly strop by being out and about in Th' Bonny Toon during the last week of November. And, there, finding that apparently the twelve days of Christmas start not, as he always assumed, sometime around 23(ish) of December, but, rather, much much earlier. Example. Christmas market.

Christmas lights.

Even the local Chinese takeaway is currently at it!

Testify, Brother Sir Nod (OBE).

And, an uproarious load of this to all that bollocks before December has even kicked-off. You feel me, dear blog fiends?

Having said all that and this blogger venting his not inconsiderable spleen on the matter, it is now very much yer actual twelfth month of the year and, Keith Telly Topping has found himself in an 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em' mood. Thus, the Stately Telly Topping Manor decorations and Christmas tree are right up. They'll be down long before 5 January. Truth be told, they'll probably be down before the end of Boxing Day. Let this be, very much the end of the matter for another year.

Following on from previous revelations in the last bloggerisationism update, again, as with the headbutting story last time out if this is true it's no wonder we won't be seeing it till next Christmas.

Now, a visual representation of 'just another atypical day at The Stately Telly Topping Manor.'

To quote From The North favourite Hot Fuzz, 'I know who did it.'

Cheer up Chris, mate, don't look so glum - in fifty years time people will finally realise it was a masterpiece all along.

Which, of course, brings us to this (you knew it was coming, right?) Yer actual blogger is just leaving this here for absolutely no reason whatsoever (oh no, very hot water). Dangling. Like an old, discarded, sock on a shower-rail. With the inevitable reminder that it is available from here. And here. Anyway ...

Moving, swiftly, from Keith Telly Topping's previous meisterwerk to his most current one; can anyone - particularly the bloke wot wrote it, that there Simon J Ballard - spot this week's deliberate mistake in the Critique section of The Skull from Bride of Vault of Horror - A Study of Seventy Two Great* British** Movies of Mystery & Suspense (1933-1986) (*and not-so-great) (** plus three Italians, one Spanish and two French!)? If you're struggling to spot it, tell you what dear blog fiend, you try playing a Hammond Orange and see how far you get. Though I'm guessing if anyone could've the genius that was Elisabeth Lutyens probably could've gotten a tune from one.

Editing, as you've probably no doubt worked out, continues apace. Page four hundred and four (of four hundred and sixty five) has been reached in the (first of two) full Bride of a Vault of Horror: A Study of Seventy Two Great* British** Movies of 'Mystery & Suspense', 1933-1986 (* And Not So Great), (** Plus Two French, Three Italian & One Spanish) read-throughs. And, your present author is thoroughly delighted to report that he has managed to include the words 'adroit', 'perfidiousness' and 'jiggery-pokery' in the text. Soon, with luck, it'll be 'prestidigitation's turn. After that, who knows ('moist' is still on the table for those placing bets).

Whilst hoping to avoid making this all about me, me, me, me, me, me, me, dear blog fiend, this has become the third book running that this blogger has been towards the end of writing it when someone featured within its pages has died suddenly and the author has been forced to include a line to that very effect within the text. It was Kenneth Cope in Return to the Vault of Horror, Terence Stamp in Island of Terror, John Woodvine just a few weeks ago and, now, Udo Kier. Clearly, this blogger is a sodding jinx and it's all his fault.

This blogger's own current Stately Telly Topping Manor reading (beside his own work, obviously) is this one. Although, technically, as this blogger is consuming it via Audible, John Sackville is doing the actual reading, Keith Telly Topping is merely listening to him reading it.

As a regular listener to James and Al Murray's WW2 podcast, this blogger has been meaning to get into this book for a while and has finally got around to it. Edited to add: This blogger is currently about a third of the way through it, Peter Lawford has just relieved Richard Todd at Pegasus Bridge and it's going rather well. Keith Telly Topping doesn't want to spoiler the ending for anyone that hasn't read it, yet, but he reckons there's a distinct possibility The Allies might just pull this off.

This blogger's own current Stately Telly Topping Manor viewing (when he gets the odd moment whilst his editing shenanigans continue) is ATV's excellent, if somewhat forgotten 1965 SF drama Undermind, starring Jeremy Wilkin and From The North favourite Rosemary Nicols. This was occasioned by this blogger recently borrowing the complete (ten episode) DVD set from a close personal fiend. Quality. 

As soon as this blogger gets the editing of Bride of a Vault of Horror: A Study of Seventy Two Great* British** Movies of 'Mystery & Suspense', 1933-1986 (* And Not So Great), (** Plus Two French, Three Italian & One Spanish) out of the way (sometime around yer actual Christmas week at the current rate, he reckons), he's got the Stately Telly Topping Manor home media situation malarkey sorted out. To save him the trouble and strife of having to watch any actual telly over the festive period (odd dips into From The North favourite Talking Pictures TV, notwithstanding, obviously). This little lot should keep Keith Telly Topping occupied right good and proper and no mistake up to (and maybe beyond) New Year's Eve. Thanks for small mercies. 

Last week, of course, saw the arrival of the first winter snow as a distinct chilly spell hit the UK hard in the Jacob's Cream Crackers. You might have noticed, dear blog fiend. It was, therefore, clearly time to crack open Harry the Stately Telly Topping Manor Heater, for the first time since about March.

Yes, dear blog fiends, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has had days where this seemed like a good idea. Today, for instance. And yesterday. And the day before ... you feel me?

Since the last bloggerisationism update, the latest of Keith Telly Topping's now fortnightly luncheons with his jolly fine chum Young Malcolm took place. And, extremely nice it was too. As this here evidence no doubt ably proves.

A fascinating discussion during the luncheon occurred over 'films that you've seen once and don't ever need to see again. Ever.' Not, necessarily because they were bad (one can think of dozens of examples of those, hundreds possibly) but on the ground of 'wow, that's a bit rough. I can do without any more of that in my life.' You Malcolm came up with his list of five which included Passolini's Salo, A Clockwork Orange and Shivers, all of which this blogger has absolutely no problems with whatsoever (particularly A Clockwork Orange, a definite Stately Telly Topping Manor favourite). This blogger was genuinely struggling to think of even one; there are a handful of really notoriously 'nasties' that he's never got around to seeing (I Spit on Your Grave, for one) and a few that he has seen like Driller Killer, Last House on the Left and Cannibal Apocalypse which he doubts will be rocking up as entries in the next A Vault of Horror volume but which he, honestly, could watch again if he really needed to. The only film to spring to mind, based on some perfectly horrified memories of watching it on BBC1 late one Saturday night in 1981, was the fantastically nasty Bug. Which so fekked up this blogger's fragile seventeen year old psyche it remains so scarred to this very day that he makes his living writing about horror films in compensation!

Next, dear blog reader, a - somewhat chilling, if entirely legally binding - word from our government their very selves. Consider yourselves warned.

Followed by a vitally important announcement for all users of social media. Consider yourselves, once again, warned.

This blogger is not sure exactly whom this warning comes from, but he's passing it along to all dear blog reader anyway. Consider yourselves, in this case, well and truly warned.

From The North's Thought For The Day to all dear blog readers currently bemoaning their own empty existence stuck in a rut and unable to get out of it (as, indeed, The Ruts once nearly said and repeated several times).

Which brings us, nicely, to the latest bloggerisationism update correspondence.

Good point. Next ...

You heard the question, boffins - answers on a postcard. That's followed by cookery corner.

Moving on, now, to From The North's Headline Of The Month awards for November. Starting with this masterpiece from Kentonline. Well, be fair, at least he did say sorry. A bit of politeness goes a long way when you've just knocked somebody's garden wall down. Especially if you're busting for a slash and the person to whom you've just delivered something has refused you leave to use their lavatory, on could suggest.

Next, a rather festive piece from the Brussels Times (no, me neither). Hang on, wasn't that King Herod's intended plan for the Baybee Jeebus all along? Perhaps this is just a case of Historical Re-enactment gone that bit too far?

On a somewhat-related theme, apparently Christmas is now 'woke'. At least according to the Coventry Telegraph and someone they describe as 'an expert'.

And, as we always say at this juncture, the Daily Scum Mail can go and fek itself, hard and take the Coventry Telegraph and their, alleged, 'expert' with them.

Or, to put it another way.

Or, indeed, to put it a third way ...

Oi, you there, stop sniggering this is actually serious. I mean, nobody - but nobody - wants any 'monstrous erections' on the Isle of Wight, do they?

Speaking of which, it's all kicking off in the Solent, it would seem. From 'monstrous erections' to a 'smugglers' tunnel'. On has to ask if that's a euphemism for something rude?

Err, dunno - WHO does? (Unless, of course, this is quoting a missing verse from 'Theme from Shaft' - in which case the answer, of course, is 'can y'dig it?' Shut yr mouth.

Shouldn't 'sausage burying' be a post-wedding sort of thing or is this blogger being very old fashioned on that particular score? 'No one understands him but his women.' Oh, hang on, we've already done that one, haven't we?

Fair enough then, Grandpa, it's off to the slammer with ye, then. No mercy, judge - get the black cap out.

' ... But, when we got there Santa had drowned.' Must've been a bit of global warming going on up in Lapland of late.

Meanwhile, this horseshit constitutes 'news' apparently. Well, it does according to some Middle class hippy Communist, Your Party supporting, vegan quiche eating alleged so-called 'journalist' at the Grunaid Morning Star.

To be scrupulously fair to the Gruniad, however, they have seemingly proved that the Pope does shit in the woods. Or something like that, anyway. So, well done on that score. 

To paraphrase the Bard his virry self, methinks the nude charity cyclist who is not - repeat not - a pervert doth protest too much.

And, finally ...

From The North will return, dearest bloggerisationism fiends, possibly even before the end of the year. However, if it doesn't - for one reason or another - then please do allow this blogger to wish you all and your families, fiends, work colleagues, acquaintances, bands you quite like, your favourite football team, people who support the same political party as you and, in fact, everyone else who knows you and more or less adequate holiday period and a slightly better than average New Year. That's the best you're gonna get from Keith Telly Topping I'm afraid. He doesn't do 'happy Christmas's. It's The Law.