Tuesday, February 20, 2007

... Long Journeys Wear Me Out But I Know I Can't Live Without It...

Greeting, dear blog reader. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping is actually posting this bloggerisation entry from his mate Tony Kenealy's spacious and palatial gaff in sunny San Diego as the eleventh day of Keith Telly Topping's 2007 Californian Adventure draws close and the time looms when he must get on the first on three separate aeroplanes to come back to Stately Telly Topping Manor. Which will probably be cold and damp by the time he gets there. Because it's February and it always, you know, is.

Keith Telly Topping comes to the US for a couple of weeks each year around this time, mainly to attend the annual Gallifrey One Doctor Who/writers/General SF convention held for many years at the leaky-but-wonderful Airtel Plaza in Van Nuys but, these days, at the much-less-leaky-and-more-vast LAX Marriot in downtown Los Angeles. For the last three years this blogger has made what used to be about an eight day trip with a couple of days holiday either side of the convention into two week vacations with three or four days holiday either side staying with my friends Tony and Jane in San Diego. The idea is to stop any jet-lag from looming whilst I'm actually at the convention itself - and falling asleep in the middle of a panel, or some such nonsense (it has happened before).
The generosity and friendship shown towards us British writers out here never ceases to amaze us and, as a consequence, each year we come back for more and usually drag a few new converts with us. Plus, it's always nice to see old friends and make some new ones.

This year's event was, as with all of the previous nine this blogger has attended, great fun with plenty of opportunity to meet and talk to fans with lots of out-of-hours socialising and being taken to nice places to eat (that Persian/Italian place on Manchester Boulevard - check it out, it's sensational). Keith Telly Topping hasto admit that, for some odd reason (possibly related to those 'February Blues' that he was talking about in the last bloggerisationisms posting) he spent a portion of the weekend feeling ... well, a bit melancholy. Nothing, I hasten to add, whatsoever to do with the convention itself which was, as always, superbly organised by the committee; many of whom - Shaun, Suze, Ingrid, Dan, Robbie, Paul et cetera - I now regard as close personal friends of mine as opposed to just 'some people I meet once a year for a few days.'

By the end of the weekend, however, I was as sad to see the end of the event. Conventions can be funny things - you're cocooned in your own little world for three or four days and everything that goes on away from it seems trivial whilst you're there. Keith Telly Topping his very self took part in just four panels this year - far less than usual. Perhaps he was getting afraid that people were becoming tired of the sound of his voice after all these years (that's the same reason which he only did one autograph panel this year instead of the usual two - because, surely by now everyone who wants to get one of his books signed, has done so).
There was a genuinely fascinating discussion on the development and future of Battlestar Galactica with Paul Cornell, Shaun Lyon, Caroline Symcox and Graeme Burk, Jill Sherwin's amusingly irreverent Buffy & Other Vampires event with Lars and Christa from Mad Norwegian Press, the annual TV Shows On DVD presentation, moderated by my dear friend Clay Eichelberger and including my old mate from the BBC Steve Roberts, and a tribute panel to the late and much missed Craig Hinton which was attended by many of his contemporaries and friends. For much of the rest of the time, this blogger checked out the dealers room (though, thankfully, this year he didn't come away with a bunch of novelty trinkets to clutter up the Stately Telly Topping Manor living room), took in a few other panels from the floor, networked and chewed the fat in The Green Room, generally wandered the corridors bumping into many old friends and held court in the bar on the subject of why $5.90 for a bottle of Heinekin is 'an effing disgrace!'

He also ended up in an impromptu room party on Saturday night after Tony, Jane, Clay and Kim allowed me to take them to 'that little Thai place on Manchester' which we discovered last year. So all in all, yet again, Gally managed to drag this blogger kicking and screaming into a new year and rediscover his enthusiasm for fandom and for the TV shows which he, and other people, love. As well as - with a bit of luck - touching base with some people who, one day, Keith Telly Topping could be working with and/or for.
In other news, just to note, for anyone interested, that the second of my seven 'no really, these are the last Buffy articles I'll ever write, ever, honest' appears in Xpose issue 102 which is available in all good newsagents (and some very bad ones) today.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Got Dem Old February Blues...

Oh, bloody February.

The single most frightful and miserable frigging month of the year.

This blogger hates it. I really mean that.

You think you've got through the worst the winter can throw at you and then February comes along all "hey, don't worry, spring's just around the corner" ... just six more weeks of plunging, ball-freezing temperature and frost and harshness ... unless, like last year, February decides to spread it's influence into the middle of sodding April.

So, anyway, another day, another article completed and another day closer to me going on holiday. Hip-Hurrah!

Keith Telly Topping his very self simply can't tell you how much he is looking forward to getting over to the Gallifrey One convention this year. It may be a sign of getting older, but these winters really are becoming harder and harder for me to handle each year. I used to dismiss the idea of S.A.D ("Seasonally Adjusted Disorder") as a right load of old pretentious twaddle for middle-class people who didn't like hard work. But, the last two or three years, I'm finding myself more and more depressed through the months of November, December, January and, especially, February. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?

Current viewing:-

US TV:
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - funny, inventive, beautifully written and acted.
24 - back to its very best; tool-stiffeningly violent.
House - also back to its best after a strangely muted first few episodes. Hugh doing what Huge does best.
Veronica Mars - still clever and just a bit dangerous, although (seemingly) nobody's watching so catch it whilst you can.
Bones - CSI: Lite but with a nicely ironic edge that proves they're not taking it too seriously. And, proof that David Boreanaz can act (albeit, you know, not very well!)
CSI - still reliably, The Daddy.

UK TV:
Top Gear, of course... (Need you even ask!)
Time Team - always fun, informative and sharply funny.
Soul Britannia - astoundingly good first episode.
The Comedy Map Of Britain - didn't quite know what to expect from this but it's turned out to be interesting and enlightening.
Waking The Dead - despite the odd "weird-as-Hell" episode, the best drama on British TV (when Doctor Who or Life On Mars aren't on).
Repeats of Qi on UKTVG2 (because one can never get enough of Stephen Fry).

Current Listening:-
james (must get myself tickets for the reunion tour gig at the Academy in April)
Nick Drake
Love
Mighty, Mighty
Delia Derbyshire
Arab Strap
The Blue Aeroplanes
The Chemical Brothers
Dexy's Midnight Runners

... and lots of other loud abrasive noises on my MP3 player.

In other news... Everybody in this blogger's family seems to have pneumonia at the moment. (Yer actual Keith Telly Topping, his very self, had a cough that can strip paint for nearly two months without it showing signs of going anywhere.)

And The Mighty Boys of British Football beat The Second-City-Scum 3-1 last week. And, lo, it was truly marvellous in my sight.

Yeah, all in all 2007 hasn't had a bad start so far. Watch, something's bound to go wrong now...

Oh, and just to confirm: As readers of Ask Keith Topping will know, this blog is now declared to be, and will remain hereafter and forever more, a Bald Ex-Milkman from Waalsend-Free Zone.

Just say "No" to Sting. You know it makes sense.

Help Make Sting History

And, now for the important stuff.

The January and February editions of The Book Club can both be heard using the BBCs "Listen Again" feature. Simply go to the link below and click what it tells you to. Another page features several of the 2006 editions if you missed any of those:

The books featured in the January show were:-
Richie Unterberger - The Unreleased Beatles (Backbeat Books)
Brian Southall & Rupert Perry - Northern Songs (Omnibus)
Catrine Clay - King, Kaiser, Tsar (John Murray Publishing)
Derek Redmond - A State Of Denmark (Serpent's Tail)
Graham McCann - Spike & Co: Inside The House Of Fun With Milligan, Sykes, Galton & Simpson (Hodder & Stoughton)

Whilst on February's show we had:-
Dylan Younger - Newcastle's Cult Heroes (Know The Score Publishing)
Ged Clarke - Fifty Years Of Hurt (Mainstream)
Tony Visconti - Bowie, Bolan & The Brooklyn Boy (HarperCollins)
Magnus Magnusson - Fakers, Forgers & Phoneys (Mainstream)
Gerard DeGroot - The Dark Side Of The Moon (Jonathan Cape)
Michael Ashcroft - Victoria Cross Heroes (Headline Review)

Also received during November, December and January were the following:-
Billie Piper - Growing Pains: An Autobiography (Hodder & Stoughton)
Robert Anwood - Bears Can't Run Down Hill (Ebury Press)
Mike O'Hare (ed) - Why Don't Penguins' Feet Freeze? (Profile)
Jeff Evans - The Penguin TV Companion (Penguin)
Dave Marsh - Bruce Springsteen On Tour 1968-2006 (Bloomsbury)
John Grisham - The Innocent Man (Century)
Geroge Low (ed) - Commando: True Brit (Carlton Books)
Gideon Haigh - The Book Of Ashes Anecdotes (Mainstream)
J Shaun Lyon - Doctor Who: Second Flight (Telos Publishing)
Gary Russell - Doctor Who: The Inside Story (BBC Books)
Wendy Prahms - Newcastle Ragged & Industrial School (Tempus Books)
The Little Book Of Rude Jokes For Older Girls (Zymurgy)
Ken Hutchinson - Images of England: Wallsend (Tempus Books)
James Owen - A Serpent In Eden (Abacus)
Giles Milton - Edward Trengom's Nose (MacMillan)
Jeremy Simmonds - Number One In Heaven: Heroes Who Died For Rock n Roll (Penguin)
Rob Bailey & Ed Hurst - Rude World: 100 Rudest Place Names In The World (Boxtree)
Johnny Rogan - Lennon: The Albums (Omnibus)
Tess Stimson - The Adultery Club (Pan)
Billy Bragg - The Progressive Patriot (Bantam Press)
Vicki Hendricks - Cruel Poetry (Serpent's Tail)
Guy Adams & Lee Thompson - Life On Mars: The Official Companion (Simon & Shuster)
Jeremy Clarkson - Planet Dagenham (Carlton)
Duff Hart-Davies (ed) - King's Counsellor: Abdication & War - The Diaries Of Sir Alan Lascelles (Wiedenfeld)
Zachary Leader - The Life Of Kingsley Amis (Jonathan Cape)
Ben Lyttleton (ed) - Match Of My Life: European Cup Finals (Know the Score)
Peter Morfoot - Burksey: The Autobiography Of A Football God (Know the Score)
Ruth Graham - The Break Up Bible (Know The Score)
Gillian Orrell - New Boots In New Zealand (Know The Score)
Trevor Dann - Darker That The Deepest Sea: The Search For Nick Drake (Portrait)
Barney Hoskyns - Hotel California (Harper Perennial)
Kate Figes - The Big Fat Bitch Book For Grown-Up Girls (Virago)
Paul Wilson - The Quiet (MacMillan)
Tony Saint - The ASBO Show (Serpent's Tail)
Julia Green - Blue Moon (Puffin Books)
Robert Holden - Success Intelligence (Hodder Mobius)
Charlie Connolly - In Search Of Elvis (LittleBrown)
Gil McNeil - Divas Don't Knit (Bloomsbury)
Ryu Murakami - Piercing (Bloomsbury)
Nancy Mathew & Vivien Smith - Dancing On Mara Dust (Vivien Clear Publishing)
Jean-Patrick Manchette - Three To Kill (Serpent's Tail)
Julia Baird - Imagine This: Growing Up With My Brother John Lennon (Hodder & Stoughton)
Martin Goodman - Rome & Jerusalem: The Clash Of Ancient Civilisations (Penguin - Allen Lane) Ben MacIntyre - Agent Zigzag: The True Wartime Story Of Eddie Chapman (Bloomsbury)
Barry Miles - Pink Floyd: The Early Years (Omnibus Press)
Tony Saint - Blag! (Serpent's Tail)
Marybeth Hamilton - In Search Of The Blues (Jonathan Cape)

... and a quick note for regular listeners of The Julia Hankin Show and my own, very poor, contributions to it. I will be doing the telly previews this coming Thursday (great, I get to rabbit on about Life On Mars for several minutes at the tax-payers expense) but I'll then be missing for the next two shows so you get dear old Phil from the radiotimes instead.

See you all on the other side.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Come & Have A Go If You Think You're Hard Enough!!!

Just a quicky to inform any potential spammers of this site that if I get just one more message informing me (and, as a consequence, my readers) about where they can get, you know, a bigger dick, or spare auto-parts, or a Russian bride on the cheap, then this blogger will take great pleasure in spam-bombing you chebs back the dark ages.

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping is, as anyone who knows him will happily tell you, a pretty reasonable guy ... Most of the time. But (and, it's a damned big 'but') when someone pisses this blogger off - particularly if it's done deliberately and maliciously - then he can become really small and vicious and terrifying in his unquenchable thirst for intricate and stylised revenge upon their sorry ass(es).

Put simply, dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping can bear grudges longer than the reign of the average Pope if he's given a reason to. There are people who caused this blogger some momentary pain in 1986 and who still haven't made it off his shit-list yet.

So, please remember, you have been warned.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

The Boys Are Back In Town

Hello, dear blog reader! All six of you. And, a belated Happy New Year to all of this blog's lovely readers. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self hopes that you and your collective families - and any other assorted riff-raff you call 'friends' - had a good one. Personally, this blogger has been a bit busy with work so far this year and, thus, this very update is yer actual Keith Telly Topping's first opportunity for a reet good rant in 2007. And it's a good one, trust me. This Sunday evening, along with something like six million other people, or more, yer actual Keith Telly Topping will be watching the return of Top Gear to Beeb 2 for its first show since the dear old Hamster nearly bought The Big One late last year. As my radio oppo the divine Goddess that is Julia Hankin said to Keith Telly Topping when this blogger was previewing the episode on local radio the other day, 'you'll be in TV Heaven over this,won't you.' This blogger is, indeed, really looking forward to the first episode of the new series - as, he suspects, all of the shows many fans - both in Britain and worldwide - will be. This, despite the fact that Keith Telly Topping - along with a small but highly passionate section of Top Gear's audience - have little or no real interest in cars themselves. (This blogger can't even drive - as a city kid, he has always used buses and so never bothered to learn.)
Nevertheless, this blogger finds Top Gear to be one of the most addictive, amusing and clever shows on TV. It has a terrific wit, audacity and pace to it and I like the interaction of Jezza, Hamster and Cap'n Slow very much - they are three of the best stand-up comedians working in Britain today. The show is also presented with a genuine enthusiasm and passion for the subject, something that Keith Telly Topping finds attractive in all of the factual TV that he watches - from Time Team to the output of the BBC's Natural History department, if it's done with enthusiasm, wit and style then I'm usually a sucker for it. And, possibly most importantly of all, this blogger enjoys Top Gear because it really pisses off a bunch of po-faced and joyless individuals who deserved to be pissed off. Here's and interesting illustration. In the day or two immediately after Richard Hammond's crash late last year, many people in the UK media seemed to have completely underestimate the depth of empathy that Top Gear had built up within its audience - and, indeed, within the wider general public at large. For example, my mother has never really watched the show except for catching odd glimpses of Clarkson shouting 'Power!' at lot when she's been round Stately Telly Topping Manor and an episode has been on UKTVG2. But, even she was somewhat moved by the story of the little fellah and his epic fight for survival. The massive wave of public sympathy after the crash - 'poor Richard, I hope he's going to be all right' - instead of what many commentators seemingly expected from the public, something along the lines of 'the stupid bastard, he deserved everything he got for getting in a jet-car in the first place' - seems to have, mercifully, silenced (at least for the time being) some of the more whiny liberal-hippie-Communist tossers in the media and elsewhere and the irritating nonsense that they spout when the subject of Top Gear crops up. 'It encourages fast driving and irresponsibility... Whine, whinge, blah, blah, blah.' There are, Keith telly Topping should stress, very few things in life that this blogger genuinely hates quite as much as whiny liberal-hippie-Communists tossers. Chiefly, because, he freely admits, he used to be one ...

Of course, we all expected the Gruniad Morning Star - 'no we haven't got any sick agenda at work, honest guv' - to drag in a few alleged celebrity experts - from the BBC bar, probably - who should've known better than to pass comment on the 'dangers of doing stunts' on TV. (Yes, you Ray Mears - I sincerely hope you don't get eaten by something with Very Big Teeth next time you venture into a jungle for talking such utter tripe-bollocks about stuff that's got absolutely nothing to do with you or whatever it is that you actually do on TV.) And, of course, we all knew that the good old Beeb-loving Daily Scum Mail website would have an absolute field day, including putting up a headline on their website within hours of the crash proclaiming that 'Thousands of TV viewers Ioin MPs In Demanding An End To Top Gear!!!!' This, despite the fact that this revelation was, seemingly, based on their own online message-board which, at the time that I looked at it - long after this headline was there for all to see - had actually received just six hundred and fifty comments, the vast majority of which were actually things like 'get well soon, Richard' or a variant. Nice bit of lies there, you jack-booted scum thug Tory twat-bastards. I hope you all suffer, painfully, from some really distressing disease of the arsehole. Wasn't it Stephen Fry who once asked 'How can one not be fond of something that the Daily Mail hates?'

Such comments from those particular organs of the media were, perhaps, to be expected (even though these two examples, surely, provide us with the strangest of strange bedfellows ever recorded as being in a strange bed together). But the one that really shocked me and, seemingly, shocked Clarkson as well judging by some impassioned comments he made soon afterwards in his newspaper column, was when the BBC's own website seemed keen to get in on the debate by holding a readers poll on whether the show should continue ... whilst poor Richard was still in a bloody hospital bed in Leeds with his brains leaking out of his ears. So, it's jolly nice to see the self-same website thoroughly brown-tongued and rimming-up the new-series like it's The Second Coming for the last week. Hypocrisy? Surely some mistake? There does seem to be an awfully faux-naïf assumption within the more radical sections of the environmental lobby that all of the world's problems with regard to carbon emissions started just forty or fifty years ago and that if we simply managed to disinvent the Internal Combustion Engine everything would be lovely and smashing and just like the Seventeeth Century again. Which, to be fair, it probably would; we could go back to whole families of fifteen trying to live on ten shillings a week and never venturing more than two miles from their ramshackle hovel in The Village during their entire lives.

That, tragically, was the kind of back-breaking monotony of a life that both of my great-grandfathers' had to look forward to (in Crosby-on-Eden and Snape, respectively) before they escaped to work in the Dark Satanic Mills of Newcastle. It is most definitely not one that Keith Telly topping wants to share. (Not that he particularly want to work in a factory either, but that's beside the point.) This blogger seems to be in a small minority here - though, to be fair, Clarkson's in here with me - but I'm actually quite glad that the Industrial Revolution happened. Clarkson's heroes are Brunel and Charles Babbage, two of mine are George and Robert Stephenson - between them, those four men largely built the modern world as we know it today. And now some liberal-hippy-Communist tossers want to throw all that away and take us all back to Constable's The Haywain as their model for society. Pastoral. Lovely. But, you know, you can't get to New York on the back of a horse and carriage. It's a fact.
I think that environmentalist will find that the problems of climate change have a bit more to do with three hundred years of industrialisation worldwide belching shite into the atmosphere than anything specific that the car (or, indeed, the aeroplane - the environmentalists current number one target for fury) is responsible for. As noted on Top Gear a couple of years ago, a cow farts more methane in a year than an unleaded Range Rover produces in exhaust fumes. I'm really - and I mean this genuinely as a fully-paid-up member of the 'Global Warming, I'm against it, me' collective - proud of the fact that Britain has hit most (if not all) of the targets that it set for itself at the Kyoto Summit in the nineties. But, and here's the really big problem, China haven't. And India haven't. And the United States haven't and show no intention of doing so. And, there does reach a point where you simply have to ask 'why the Hell am I trying to be all environmentally-rite-on and questioning whether I really need to make this flight to San Diego in a couple of weeks time (I'd love somebody to show me an alternative transport route, by the way, cos fourteen hours on three planes really isn't my idea of fun) and then planting a tree when I get back to offset my own percentage of these emissions when there are 1.2 billion Chinese cheerfully burning fossil fuels like there's no tomorrow. And, thus as a consequence, cancelling out all of the sound stuff that we're doing here in the Europe?'

It's a completely valid question, I'd suggest. And it's one that nobody seems to have an answer to. So, I'd like to propose a practical solution. Instead of burning fossil fuels, next time you want to have a barbie, burn a hippie instead - they're entirely biodegradable, apparently. It's simple, it's efficient AND you're helping to save the planet (on all sorts of levels). See, everybody wins.

As for Old Jezza Clarkson, I don't agree with everything he says by any stretch - I suspect that, if I ever met him at at party I'd violently disagree with him on many subjects - politics, particularly. Though, bless him, I would never try to chin anyone who loves The Who as much as he does ... Besides, he's about a foot taller than me and once floored Piers Morgan - reason enough for canonisation, I believe. I don't suppose that it has ever occurred to any of his detractors that the personality of Jeremy Clarkson as seen on Top Gear (and, in most his other TV appearances for that matter - see, for instance, some of his impressive and thoughtful contributions to Qi) is, largely, 'a performance'? That he's playing a deliberately O-T-T 'character'? One thing Jezza certainly isn't, is an idiot. He's a very sharp cookie indeed - as his column in The Sunday Times ably demonstrates. He is opinionated and he is rather entrenched in some of his views. He's also the presenter of a TV show in which his 'character' (and those of his two excellent co-presenters) are frequently the butt of much brilliantly self-deprecating humour (see the boat-car segment from last season for example), something that seems to fly right over the heads of the show's more loud-mouthed and equally entrenched naysayers.

The environmentalists' argument seems to be that the BBC has 'a moral obligation' to include in Top Gear items of that stress the benefits of environmental motoring. Why? That's not what the show is designed for and that's certainly not why people watch it. That's like suggesting that, because it's music and some people buy it, Top Of The Pops should be required to feature a classical symphony each episode. Does Watchdog have an obligation in each of its episodes to devote ten minutes to all of the thousands a firms who don't rip their customers off? Do Waking The Dead or [spooks] have an obligation to make at least one episode each year in which no horrible murder takes place because, in reality, there are days like that? Does Parkie have to interview some bloke off the street whom nobody has heard of in the interests of balance?

The argument - and it is one that I've heard coming from people who, in most other areas, I really respect, like Michael Palin for instance - is completely spurious. Top Gear is a show about fast cars and three blokes to use James May's wonderful phrase 'cocking-around' in them. That's why six million people or more watch it every week. If groups like Transport Two Thousand and Friends Of The Earth wish to get together with a television production company and make a show stressing the more environmentally-friendly aspects of driving (Bottom Gear?) then I'm sure a broadcaster somewhere will be more than happy to pick it up and screen it. (Channel Four haven't got a car show, for example. And they're going to need something to fill the gap when Shipwrecked: Belsen Was A Gas ends.) It'd be 'tastic, so it would - their version of The Cool Wall would be full of Toyota Priuses. Even better they should schedule this hypothetical show against Top Gear. Of course, the problem there, as I suspect such groups know full well, is that whilst Top Gear is getting an audience of six million they will get an audience of, like, six. And they'll all be beardy-hippy-liberal-Communist-sandal-wearing-caravan-towing-Citröen-driving-Gruniad Morning Star-reading social workers from Hampstead who knit their own yoghurt and have, like, 'nothing but total respect for Annie Lennox.' That's why these people don't want to make their own show but why they complain that they don't get any air-time as part of an already successful formula. Just as they complain every time Clarkson uses the word 'gay' (in any context) or James May makes a comment about Jezza building a car 'like a pikey' or that time they found they had 'Jesus' in the audience that time.
The gay one was especially interesting and especially irritating (for those who missed it, Clarkson described a car as 'a bit ginger beer'). Four people complained to the BBC and to Ofcom. Four. And it was upheld by those cowardly and wretched lice on the sixth floor at Television Centre. That, just as a matter of pure mathematics, is approximately 0.00000008 per cent of the audience for that particular episode. Could someone please tell me in which other field of life such a tiny percentage of tight-arsed busy-bodies are able to dictate the content of ... well, pretty much anything? I'd love it if politics worked that way. 'Conservative Central Office? Me and three of my mates down the pub reckon that David Cameron is a right dickless berk. Get rid of him.' 'Rightio, skip, we're ON the mother...'

It's symptomatic of the venal and SICK victim-culture that is so prevalent in this country at the moment. Every single thing in life seems to be someone else's fault. I always remember a few years ago during one of that winter's particularly heavy floods some house-owner whose living room was currently under two foot of water bewailing to a hapless TV camerman 'why isn't The Government doing anything?' I'm not sure exactly what she thought that The Government should be doing. Stopping it raining, perhaps? I wasn't unsympathetic to the horrible situation that the poor woman was going through but, you know, if you buy a house near to a river then you have to accept the possibility that you might get flooded during times of high rainfall. It's a simple trade-off. But, of course, that's far too common-sense an attitude to have when you can, just as easily, apportion blame for all of your woes on the Great 'They' (the ones who are in charge of 'The Almighty Whatsit'?)

Innit typical? Want, want, want - want it all, want it now, heaven forbid that I actually have to pay for it.
One of the main reasons why this blogger enjoys Top Gear so much is precisely this: That it gets right up a few snooty noses. Long may it continue to do so and to get millions of viewers and International Emmy awards into the bargain if only cos it pisses off a bunch of a sandal-wearing, caravan-towing, blame-it-all-on-Blair, stinking-old-beady-liberal-hippy-Communists like Bill Oddie. Good. Thank Christ that there's someone on television these days who actually has an opinion worth at least considering. About anything (even if it isn't necessarily 'right' per se). In these dreadful days of celebrity-by-ignorance-and-non-entity, and of the utter nonsense that passes for 'entertainment' on say, Channel Four, I warm to anyone who has an ounce of humanity, passion and soul about them.

Incidentally, I am desperately awaiting some politician - of any persuasion - who is being grilled by that rank gobshite Jon Snow on Channel Four News to casually ask the arrogant pillock 'excuse me, but what the Hell right have you got to ask me about anything? You're employed by the company that broadcasts Big Brother and tells the nation that it's okay to be an ignorant racist scumbag.'
Give me enough money to form a Common Sense political party and I'd fill it with people - from all spectrums of the political divide - like Clarkson, Hammond, Stephen Fry, Tony Robinson, Will Self, the late John Peel (okay he's been dead for a couple of years but he'd still have more bright ideas in his head that half the House of Commons put together) ... plus a few Hard Lads from Scotswood Road for use as enforcers, and we'd totally put the country to rights in five minutes flat. Actually, no we wouldn't. But, at least have a right good laugh whilst failing miserably.

Post script (30 January): Just an addition to celebrate the astonishing ratings success for the first episode of Top Gear's ninth season - eight million viewers (beating the Big Brother finale into the ground - stick that in your craw and chew on it, you wretched effing Daily Scum Mail vermin). And an Audience Appreciate Index figure of eighty six. So, not only did millions watch it but, most of them really enjoyed it too. Of course, the first episode also got the inevitable complaints too - from a head-injury support group delighting in the gloriously un-PC name Headway - who seemingly didn't like Clarkson asking Richard 'are you A Mental?' (The fact that Hammond himself didn't seem to mind being, apparently, besides the point.) And, also, from a group called Brake who seemed to be upset that Hammond actually escaped from his crash without so much as a scratch when other people, you know, don't. Perhaps they'd prefer it if he got back in his jet-car and did it again and this time died?

And, I confidently expect, because they usually have a backbone the consistency of jelly when it comes to stuff like this, that the BBC management will uphold one or both of these complaints. Or, if they don't that unelected bunch of knobless nobodies Ofcom will. Cos they seemingly enjoy doing stuff like that. Not that it will make the slightest difference to the show, of course. It will simply move the day that Andy Wilman and Clarkson decide 'sod this for a game of soldiers, we're off to Sky for more money and less interference from glakes' that wee bit closer. Remember, kids, speed doesn't kill ... it's the 'coming to a sudden unexpected stop' that can prove fatal. As for the show itself, I wonder if there was anyone else who, like this blogger, was almost tearing-up when Jezza hugged the Hamster at the start. That's just about the first time I've seen Jeremy Clarkson display a bit of warmth towards another human being who wasn't, you know, some dead Nineteenth Century builder of bridges ... well, ever, basically. And, the revelation that he's an RSPB member and grows barley specifically to provide a nesting ground was a further example that one should never take things at face value in any walk of life. The episode was pitched with just the perfect mixture of fluffy-lovey-male-bonding and terrific self-deprecation (something that, as noted above, Top Gear does better than almost anyone on telly). And as for the introduction of The Stig by Clarkson, that has to be one of the finest one- liners you're going to hear this year - on TV or, indeed, anywhere else: 'Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp. And, that long before everyone else, he knew Jade Goody was a racist, pig-faced waste of blood and organs.'

God bless yer cotton socks, Mister Clarkson, sir, we've all missed you dreadfully! They should name a moon of Saturn after the bloke. Or, you know, a continent. A month of the year at the very least. 'Top Gear will return on Sunday the fourth of Clarkson.'

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Christmas Greetings


A couple of days late, perhaps, but salutations of the season to all dear blog readers and their families, friends, pets, et cetera.

Personally, yer actual Keith Telly Topping had a very nice Christmas Day. However, probably as a combination of too much rich food, half-a-bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream and some germs, he then spent most of Boxing Day either in bed or on the Stately Telly Topping Manor lavatory shatting up his innards.

It really wasn't very pleasant.

This blogger is still feeling rather fragile and a touch poorly today as a consequence.

Still, The Runaway Bride was good!

Have a safe and gastro-enteritis-free New Year, kids.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Everywhere I Go, Kids Wanna ... Pop

Here's yet another article from The Files. This article - based on a non-specific request from a fanzine editor to yer actual Keith Telly Topping to 'write something about your ten favourite LPs of all time' was first published in a British magazine in the mid-1990s: Some of it still stands up quite well, I think. Some of it, however, is pseudo music-journo crap of the worst kind, so be warned in advance.
New York, London, Paris, Munich...

Rock and Roll (or "pop music", to give it it's proper name) is the saxophone intro to Van Morrison's 'Moondance'. It's Steve Craddock's chiming jingle-jangle-morning guitars on Ocean Colour Scene's 'Yesterday Today'. It's the BIFF!-BANG!-POW! drumming of John Maher on a slew of Buzzcocks Forty Fives. It's the strut of The Clash, the menace of Killing Joke, the theatre of The Rolling Stones, the sweaty power of James Brown, the scream of (mid-period) Siouxsie &The Banshess. It's Julian Cope slitting his stomach open on stage at The Hammersmith Odean. It's the charm of 'This Ol' Heart of Mine (Is Weak For You)' or 'Heatwave' or 'Nowhere To Run ' or 'Back In My Arms Again'.

Pop music is Motown. Stax. Decca. Parlophone. Rough Trade. Polydor.

You know what they say - "if you want to know what it's all about, just read the label..."

Pop music is Keith Richards' dramatic intro to 'Gimme Shelter', the lyrics of 'Belsen Was A Gas', the vocals on 'Ball & Chain', the bassline on 'Release The Bats', the drums on 'Won't Get Fooled Again.'

What pop music is not is bloody Knoffler or Collins or Mercury or Sting or any of those other mortgage sensible, middle-aged, middle-class, middle-bloody-everything going-bald bastards who prostitute their youth in the name of being "the acceptable face of rock and roll". They are whores to their art and should be shafted up the arse with a big loud guitar until they cry for their mummy.

Pop music is the deftness of The Trash Can Sinatra's 'White Horses', the rockabilly-skank of The Motorcycle Boy's 'Big Rock Candy Mountain', Mick Ronson's guitar on Bowie's Seventies work, the word-play of Edwyn Collins or Smokey Robinson or Elvis Costello. If pop music has a manifesto, it's the lyrics of Noel Gallagher's 'Rock & Roll Star.' Pop music is The Undertones and The Ramones, Slade and Oasis, music that is loud, young, daft, spotty and stupid. The stuff that fourteen year olds play very loud in their bedrooms and their mothers have to tell them to turn down.

Pop music survives by constantly re-inventing itself. This has always been so, since a young, white country singer, Elvis Presley used a coffee-break at Sun Studios in Memphis to sing 'That's Alright Mama', a song he had been taught by a old black man, inventing rock and roll in the process.

When David Quantick in the NME in 1986, wrote a seminal piece of rock and roll journalism on the rise of do-it-yourself indieism, he called it Pop Will Eat Itself. The title not only gave a bunch of Black Country Grebo's a fantastic band name, it also served to define the self-references of the latest generation of hungry offspring.

When I talk about the music that inspires me, it is usually singles. Many of the most important music statements in the history of modern culture were originally designed to inhabit the grooves of seven inches of black vinyl. And it's this outmoded format that still gives rise to many of those moments that you want to live and die for. Unfortunately singles are an uneconomic way to listen to music and so, the entire Motown single-collection and the work of noted singles bands such as The Who, The Rolling Stones, The Animals, The Clash, Buzzcocks, New Order, The Ruts, The Fall and David Bowie will not find a place in those records that I would chose to take with me into exile.

The LP - not, and never 'the album' - is the purist listening experience. Between thirty and forty five (or, in the case of the Grateful Dead, two hundred and forty) minutes of one sound. It makes a mockery of the single by exposing all of the glaring possibilities of judging a band by one song only (how many people love 'Say Hello, Wave Goodbye' or 'Don't Talk To Me About Love', but have nothing else by Soft Cell or Altered Images in their collection?) The LP survives (as the CD), because it presents value for money, a collective experience and the presentation of images and content under one banner.

I am not, and never have been, a great lover of people who pigeon-hole music. I was born in 1963 and grew up listening to what my two, older, brothers were listening too. Some of this has stuck with me (The Byrds, The Beatles, Bob Dylan), whilst some of the more outrageous excesses of the era (ELP), make me a lifelong appreciation of death-by-hippy. When I was ten I discovered Glam Rock (I'm not ashamed to admit I wore a Star Jumper and Oxford Bags). When I was fourteen, I became a punk, had my nose broken at a Clash concert, queued for hours for tickets to see Buzzcocks and fell in love for the first time listening to 'Pretty Vacant' at The John Boste Youth Club in 1978. Yet I still listened to Motown and Stax, was aware of folk-rock and The Velvet Underground and The Doors,spent Christmas 1979 discovering the Led Zeppelin, The Pink Floyd and Hawkwind were, actually, not all bad and when asked, stated that my favourite band was The Jam, a group that straddled the images and sounds of 1960s beat and 970s aggression.

The Jam were a band who relied for their impact upon an implicit anger in the socio-political enviroment of England. From 'Sounds From The Streets' and 'I Got By in Time' on their debut LP, through the shaky This is the Modern World period, to the triumphant return to form of All Mod Cons, Paul Weller's songs raged against a system that simultaneously patronised him (as an 'angry young man') and yet refused to allow him a lighter, more introspective side ('Fly' on All Mods Cons comes closest to understanding the mellower side of Weller's dichotomy). In 1979, fresh from a trio of outstanding singles ('Down In The Tube Station At Midnight', 'Strange Town'/'The Butterfly Collector' and 'When You're Young') they produced Setting Sons - the last great LP of the 1970s (it came out two weeks after London Calling, calm down traditionalists).

Setting Sons has a - more-or-less - continuous narrative. Put simply, the LP contains a number of songs written around a single theme; the effect of the passage of time, and of changing attitudes, on relationships. This was something that Weller had always been interested in ('I Got By in Time', written as an eighteen year old proves this), but on songs such as 'Thick As Thieves', 'The Eton Rifles' and, especially, 'Burning Sky', the singer honed his world-view from out of the straight-jacket of realpolitik and into another field altogether. Other songs like the caustic 'Saturday's Kids' ('Saturday's kids live in council houses/wear v-necked shirts and baggy trousers'), the harrowing 'Private Hell' and the bitter anti-war tirade 'Little Boy Soldiers' (written three years before The Falklands conflict which it, with horrible irony, seemed to predict), are fragments, snapshots of life in 1979. Although Weller later expressed reservations about Setting Sons, the LP's elegance under the microscope remains. In many ways it was the culmination of the first part of The Jam's career. After their next single, 'Going Underground', made number one they were, though frequently brilliant, never quite the same band again.

Weller, when he was preparing The Jam's next LP (Sound Affects), was quoted as saying that he had been listening a great deal to The Beatles 1966 masterpiece Revolver for inspiration and even cheekily pinched the bass-riff from George Harrison's Taxman for Start. Revolver is a remarkable work. It is easily the best, most coherent and most well-aged of all of The Beatles canon (though Rubber Soul pushes it close). It pisses on the horrendously overblown Sgt Peppers' from a great height. Revolver is swingin' London personified. It was probably the last time that democracy, of any sort, existed within the Abbey Road set-up and is a record that everyone in the world should own.

Revolver exists in its own, unique, twilight demi-monde world of evocative memories and kitsch nostalgia. Like watching an episode of The War Machines or The Avengers, it instantly transports you, without specific references, to another, better, time. One in which England were the World Cup holders and all the girls were beautiful and had long hair and mini-skirts. Wistful and melancholy ballads like 'Eleanor Rigby', 'For No One' and 'Here There And Everywhere' (three of the most perfect songs ever written and penned when their author, Paul McCartney, was just twenty three years of age) battle for prominence alongside some of The Fabs most brilliant power-pop songs ('And You Bird Can Sing', 'She Said, She Said', 'Got To Get You Into My Life') and, amid the mood trappings and the period charm, the first signs of Lennon's emergent weirdness with the psychedelic flirtations of 'I'm Only Sleeping' and 'Tomorrow Never Knows'. And just to prove that it shouldn't be taken too seriously, there's 'Yellow Submarine' as well.

If the 1960s were represented, on the one hand, by the growing-up-in-public development of the English rock scene, and on the other by the West Coast freedom and experimentation (fuelled by an overdose of happy sugar), that Monterey and Woodstock stand for, then off at some tangent, and completely divorced from the aesthetics of the age was The Velvet Underground, a group of New York art students who, thanks to their attachment to Andy Warhol's Factory gained a huge notoriety late in the decade. They never played live outside America (we'll ignore the Lou-less 1972 UK tour, pedants) and never had a hit record worthy of the name, and yet The Velvet Undergroud would become the biggest single influence of two entirely different youth movements a decade and a half later.

Most who seek inspiration (notably the punks) went straight to the bands début LP (recorded with the German singer Nico), but for the purist it is The Velvet Underground, their eponymous third LP, and the first without the talent of John Cale, that is the definitive product. The Velvet Underground is the point at which the then twenty four year-old Lou Reed, suddenly discovered the beauty of love. For The Velvet Underground is an LP of love songs the like of which nobody has ever equalled, or probably ever will. 'Pale Blue Eyes', 'Jesus', 'Beginning To See The Light' and the extraordinary early funk experiments of 'What Goes On', breath life into a tired and cynical genre and highlight the darkness and frustration of bondage to convention, and, significantly, offer no solution. The Velvet Underground mocks its imitators with breath-taking verve. It is fifteen years ahead of its time and, recently seems to have been accepted as the final text on the first band to wear black. Without The Velvet Underground there would have been no Orange Juice, Aztec Camera, Primal Scream, The Jesus & Mary Chain, The Sex Pistols or, possibly, no David Bowie. Think about it.

When The Jesus & Mary Chain arrived like a gang of rabid dogs in 1985 they were described as 'The Velvet Underground if they'd been produced by Phil Spector.' They were loud and spotty, wore leather, sang songs about drugs and sex and lied hideously about their age. Their first LP, Psychocandy, followed a string of extraordinary singles, and, like them, was dominated by feedback, wailing siren guitars, droned vocals and lyrics which, frankly, beggared belief. 'In a Hole' states, 'How can something crawl within/My rubber-holy baked-bean tin?' It is audacious and, at the same time, laughable. At times it sounds like an advert for dental drills and yet, amid the chaos, there are also tunes. Beautiful tunes. 'My Little Underground', 'Never Understand' or the fragile 'Just Like Honey'. If you have a reality-disorder then this is the LP for you. It resotres your faith in 'Cash From Chaos' and works, largely, on the strength of its hype. Don't buy it, steal it.
The mythical link between The Jesus & Mary Chain and The Sex Pistols is tenuous at best. While the brothers Reid hummed and harred about their anti-everythingness, The Pistols actually meant it (mannn). At least that is what Malcolm MacLaren would have everyone believe. The Sex Pistols were, in fact, pure theatre. In another age, they would have been underclass rabble rousers, stirring up the crowds and then nipping off into the night before the bother started. MacLaren's trick was to use the media to create a climate in which four loud-mouthed youths actually could cause outrage. This was the 1970s, after all, an era when mainstream television was dominated by sex and violence. With 'Anarchy In The UK', Rotten, Matlock, Jones and Cook, basically, ripped-off The New Yorks Dolls sound,with a healthy side order of Hawkwind. They did it very well, and the song remains what it always was, a piece of classic rock and roll with a cynical sneer on its face. But what they achieved with one 'what a fuckin' rotter' on live television was much, much more important. They became the first band since The Rolling Stones to actually divide an entire nation.


Never Mind The Bollocks ... Here's The Sex Pistols is a great LP, although, if you're looking for the definitive Pistols' product, you'd be better advised to get the Kiss This! CD which includes all of the songs from Bollocks plus several b-sides and out-takes and Sid doing what only Sid could to 'My Way'. All of the good stuff is there; the Johnny Thunders-baiting 'New York', the great Pistols pop single 'Pretty Vacant', the one-note bass on 'Submission', the powerhouse introduction to 'God Save The Queen', the sick-funny antics of 'Bodies'. This is remarkable music, made all the more so by the means with which it was presented to the public. The medium is the message. Rite on. Never trust a hippy.

If pop music continues by re-inventing itself, then there is no finer example of this than eponymous début by Manchester's The Smiths. The Smiths, in 1984, took the musical backdrop of The Byrds and The Velvet Underground, with the dexterous guitar work of Johnny Marr, as a form over which Stephen Morrissey could paint his - vulgar - poetic images. In 'Still Ill', Marr's jingle-jangle-morning guitar lines run into words which mean nothing and yet everything, highlighting Morrissey's twin obsessions: outrageous existentialism and wistful nostalgia for a loss of innocence. Yet 'Still Ill' represents only the merest fraction of the sweeping visions on offer on The Smiths. 'The Hand That Rocks The Cradle' is a Byron poem with a Rickenbacker soundtrack, 'Reel Around The Fountain' a tortured plea for self-fulfilment, 'Suffer Little Children' a chilling and angry evocation of abuse and death and 'Hand In Glove' one of the last great love songs in an age of crass and cosmetic emotions.

Retrospectively, after Meat is Murder and The Queen is Dead had cemented The Smiths' standing as articulate, intelligent and above all funny readers of 1980s aesthetics, doubts began to surface about The Smiths as an LP. It was badly produced, the naysayers claimed. The piano frills on 'Reel Around The Fountain' and 'I Don't Owe You Anything' were needless, the singing was flat and emotionless. Marr was having an off-day. There's no bass. And so on. Sometimes, to know genius, you have to have it rammed down your throat until your in danger of choking on it. Okay, so the American version includes 'This Charming Man' as a bonus. Buy that if it makes you happy. It probably will.

The first great movement post-punk (aside from the somewhat esoteric Sheffield 'industrial' scene) came via third generation Merseybeat. 1980 was the year and Echo & The Bunnymen, Wah! Heat and The Teardrop Explodes were the bands. Interestingly, as with many movements, the Liverpool sound of the era was produced in an atmosphere of apparent incest. It was the same fifteen or so names that kept on cropping up in bands across the next few years. The Teardrops begat The Wild Swans (producers of the best single of 1982, 'Revolutionary Spirit') who begat The Lotus Eaters, who were blood-related to China Crisis, who had former members of Wah! and The Bunnymen and The Teardrops, blah, blah, blah...

Julian Cope, Ian McCulloch and Peter Wylie all began in the same band; The Crucial Three, who then became A Shallow Madness after Wylie left to form Wah! and then The Teardrop Explodes when McCulloch zoomed off with Will Sergeant to The Bunnymen. This left Julian Cope as the sole inheritor of The Teardrops curious mixture of influences (The Doors, The Pink Floyd, The Monkees, The Clash, Pere Ubu, Thirteenth Floor Elevators, 1960s bubblegum et cetera). The Teardrop Explodes (named after a line in an issue of Daredevil), recorded four stunning singles for the Liverpool label Zoo before being snapped up by Mercury and recording the, almost, perfect pop LP, Kilimanjaro.

Kilimanjaro is how all pop music ought to sound. Joyously displaying its influences openly: rebellious, irreverent and just a touch insane. It is the sound of youth, alive and being pop stars. Once Alan Gill left to reform Dalek I, The Teardrops had a hit single ( the glorious 'Reward', available on the latest reissues of Kilimanjaro), then fell apart under the strain of the tension between Cope and keyboard player David Balfe. Their second LP, Wilder is really the work of a different band altogether and, although its weird brilliance is still beloved by many, myself included, The Teardrop Explodes lost their pop audience almost overnight. This is not to suggest that Kilimanjaro does not feature moments of extreme nonsense; Cope's aping of Syd Barrett on 'Went Crazy', the sly re-working of psychedelia of 'Poppies (In The Fields)', the over-the-top lunacy of 'Sleeping Gas', Cope's first tentative steps towards his Jesus Christ obsessions which remain with the writer to this day, on 'Bouncing Babies' and the extraordinary sensual love song 'The Thief Of Bagdhad' mark out the LP as something to be treasured.

Having split up during the making of a third LP (posthumously released as the brilliantly titled Everybody Wants To Shag The Teardrop Explodes; which proved that, among their other achievements, Cope, Balfe and Gary Dwyer invented acid-house eight years before S-Express), Cope took his 'floored genius' off to an eccentric, sometimes erratic, but often brilliant solo career of remarkable recordings (Fried, Skellington, Saint Julian, Peggy Suicide, jehovahkill - the latter managing to get the singer sacked by Island records). Cope remains a great, if unhinged, talent and the world is a better place for having him around.

The link between Cope and The Monkees might, at first, appear to be slim. Both were mocked and derided in their time, only to emerge years later from the madness with their triumphs intact. Both suffered from a plethora of serious doubters who chose to ignore innovation and cry 'Emperor's New Clothes'.

The Monkees were The Stone Roses of their era. Over-hyped, over-paid and over-here. Everyone knows that they were a manufactured copy of The Beatles, put together by American television. All of that is irrelevant. The Monkees produced in three years (1966-68) some of the most outstanding pop music of the era. The fact that their first two LP's had precious little to do with the band, having been put together by musical advisor Don Kirshner (later responsible for the, even more suspect, The Archies) and songwriters like Boyce and Hart, Goffin and King and Neil Diamond doesn't enter into it. Serious musicians Peter Tork and Mike Nesmith were, obviously, somewhat pissed off by their relegation to roles as dogs who would be occasionally thrown a scrap of meat that hadn't been gobbled up by The Monkees more photogenic stars Jones and Dolenz. So they rebelled and, after a heated meeting at which Nesmith punched a hole in the wall of Kirshner's office with the comment 'that could have been your head', the band were given sole control of their recordings. And here is where the story really begins.

The Monkees third and fourth LPs Headquarters (April 1967) and Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn, Jones Ltd (August 1967) are remarkable, quasi-garage-band thrash LP's, not a million miles removed from the early effects of punk rock ten years later. Pisces especially, offers, housed within it's Revolver-influenced cover, much that is surprising. The hit single 'Pleasant Valley Sunday' (a remarkably cheerless Gerry Goffin and Carole King song about small town suburban conformity) should have told the listener what to expect, but this only scratches the surface of the wit and punning social comment on songs like Nesmith's 'Salesman', 'The Door Into Summer' and 'Don't Call On Me', which mixed with the perfect pop of 'She Hangs Out', 'What Am I Doin' Hangin' Round?' and Harry Neilson's 'Cuddly Toy'. But it is for its extrodinary climax, 'Star Collector' that Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn, Jones Ltd will be most remembered. A Goffin and King song about groupies - sung by Davy Jones - that was a decade ahead of its time and didn't wish to hide its misanthropy, 'Star Collector' is also one of the first songs to use the moog synthasizer (Mike Dolenz owned the third moog ever made). The effects and trickery that producer Chip Douglas had deliberately kept off Headquarters bursts forth here in a flowering of studio technique that puts much of Sgt. Pepper's to shame. After this madness, it's only a short step to the Bob Raefelson/Jack Nicholoson collaberation on Head and the resulting spiral into (in Tork's case) bankruptcy and jail. That's rock and roll for you.

The great live LP is something that bands have tried for years to perfect. The Rolling Stones Get Yer Ya Ya's Out is satanically good in places but is ruined by a suspicion that some of the guitars have been overdubbed in the studio (and by that whiny-voiced bird shouting 'Paint It Black, you devils!'). Other albatros-like gigantic messes of live presentation like Zeppelin's Song Remains the Same, remind us of 1970s excess and should be avoided like the plague. I remember once listening to Queen's Live Killers. For all of the horrible pompous pretension of the recording the band remain, pointlessly, tuneful. There's even a drum solo. If I'd been there on the night, I'd have thrown things at them.

The 'great' live LP is rare and, to date that has only been one that has eclipsed a bands studio output. This is One Man Clapping by james, recorded at The Moles Club in Bath in front of an audience of around six hundred. This is the only way to capture a band, and especially this band, live. There is something about the electricity between james and the audience that is difficult to describe to the uninitiated. To cut a long story very short, Manchester's james gained a small, but vocal cult following during the mid-80s with their series of remarkable singles on Factory ('What's The World', 'Hymn From A Village') and Sire ('Chain Mail', 'What For?'). Their first LP, Stutter gained critical acclaim although today it sounds a mite hurried and frustrating, as though the band knew what they wanted to do but couldn't quite summon up the energy or the bottle to try. After a second LP, the enigmatic Strip Mine was held up for almost a year by Sire's reluctance to release it, the band found themselves living on thirty quid a week, unable to tour by Sire's financial restrictions (placed on them and other recent signings, allegedly, because the company had poured all of their money into Madonna's True Blue tour and couldn't afford anything else). Having managed to extract themselves from Sire, james staged what was at the time, designed as a farewell concert at Moles with drummer Gavan Whelan leaving because, in his own words 'I'd be better off on the dole'. Hence One Man Clapping, an LP full of definitive versions of the bands best material ('Chain Mail', 'Sandman', 'Why So Close?', 'Johnny Yen', 'Are You Ready?', 'Scarecrow') together with three new songs. 'Whoops' took the bands manic energy to an extraordinary level, as did the set closer 'Stutter', a heavy-metal nightmare of a song in which Jim Glennie and Larry Gott, basically race to see who is going to get finished first.

If Tim Booth's intention was, as stated to finished like The Singing Detective and go whistling off into the sunset with a classic 'fuck you' to the music biz, then 'Stutter' was the perfect vehicle. However it was the second-to-last song of the set, 'Burned' which caused the most attention. 'Burned' is a (not-even-thinly) veiled attack on Sire: as bitter and vicious as any song ever written by anyone about anything: 'If you don't look cool/they won't look at you' sang Booth on the opening line. There are those who were at Moles that night who cried openly. It was the end of an era but, just as is often the case, the story didn't end there. One Man Clapping was designed to make james some money to pay off their debts but, typically, Sire claimed three quarters of the royalties in lieu of monies owed to the company from the band's days with them. james carried on, found a new home at Fontana, and, suddenly with the Gold Mother LP and an expanded line-up, found themselves actually selling records. 'How Was It For You?' and 'Come Home' were small hits, the anthemic 'Sit Down' a vast hit and, suddenly, they were pop stars. Now it has become unfashionable to like them since the recent LP Seven showed a disturbing trend towards stadium rock. Me, I will love them until the day I die. Great bands don't become bad bands overnight. Well, except possibly in the case of The POlice.

The development of REM's following through ten years of superb LP's and singles is, like james, the tale of triumph over adversity. Coming from the unfashionable deep south of the states, initially pigeon-holed as leaders of some mythical 'stateside invasion' of US guitar bands, raised on a diet of 1960s beat and 1970s punk (whose number also included Green On Red, Wall Of Voodoo and The Long Ryders), Stipe, Buck, Berry and Mills were in reality the most original and most intelligent band of their time.

The early Chronic Town ( notably 'Carnival of Sorts'), Murmer and Reckoning display a band whose discovery of the Rickenbacker sound is tangible and whose joy in confusing their audience with semi-inaudible vocals and murmered lyrics spoke volume's for where their priorities lay. They had a shaky spell mid-1980s when they seemed in danger of turning into an AMERICAN ROCK band (and all of the shite that entails), but by 1989's Green they had rediscovered their weirdness and, in the process, found themselves a huge US college rock audience who were looking for something vaguely 'alternative' or 'indie' (and all of the shite that entails). A similar case could be given for the reason why The Smiths, five years after their demise are suddenly the biggest-selling English band in America.

In 1991 REM released Out of Time, their most coherent and consciously pop LP to date. Staggeringly, given the bands understanding of their audience's pivotal role in their legend, they chose not to tour with the LP and, instead, spent the year doing low-key acoustic gigs and secret appearances, dragging back some mystique from the pop-star glam that their sudden, new-found fame had created for them. Out Of Time is close to being the greatest LP ever released by anyone. Certainly it is an audacious, lyrically breath-taking, stylistically daring LP. The rumour that REM had done a dance-track (cos, like, 'we've always had this dance element to our music'), brought groans from many sections of their audience in 1990, but 'Radio Song', with input from rapper KRS-1, became an hymn of dissatisfaction that, in some ways, predicted the LA riots. Songs about radio conformity from Elvis Costello's 'Radio, Radio' to The Smiths' 'Panic' have used the idea that radio is in control of people's lives. Here Stipe takes the opposite route. Radio is out of control, dive-bombing helplessly without any motivation.

'Losing My Religion' has many champions as the song of the 90s; a howl of fear from the singer that he is in danger of following the listeners of 'Radio Song' into the abyss. If, as has been suggested, the song is about Mark Chapman, then this makes the decent into personal madness and the solutionless end to the song even more poignant. After this, and the anguish of 'Low' (one of REM's most important and understated songs) it comes as a positive relief when the next songs deliver to the listener the feeling that life can be worth living (notably the ludicrously jangly 'Shiny Happy People'). Then it starts to get morbid again, through 'Texarkana' and the downright weird 'Country Feedback', songs which seem to wish to say 'NO' to life, but, again, the effect is destroyed by the closing song, 'Me In Honey', a thing of poetry and beauty.

If Out of Time had in companion-piece when released it was the eponymous debut LP by Liverpool's The La's. The La's four-years in the making and, upon release, disowned by its creator singer/guitarist Lee Mayers, is nevertheless the great lost Beatles LP (recorded somewhere between Help! and Rubber Soul), with all the cynicism one could imagine and more besides. The La's had already scored notable hits with 'Timeless Melody' and the classic 'There She Goes' when they took their live set into the studio. The La's sounds like it is, raw, brutal, funny, sexy, dangerous. From the opening rocker 'Son Of A Gun' to the closing chimes of the eight minute epic 'Looking Glass', The La's, like another of its contemporaries The Stone Roses (another LP with an eight minute closer), revels in discovery. The punning 'Doledrum', the cynical wordplay of 'Way Out', and the simple rock and roll love song 'Feelin'', are just three of the twelve perfect slabs of Merseybeat, 1990s style. The La's, the LP to fall in love to that summer.

So far, most of the material that I'd take with me has been pop music played by young white men on electric guitars. That's to be expected, firstly because dance music works at its best in the club and on a seven inch single. However, since I'm planning on taking a multi-deck stereo with me that will allow me to use tapes, I intend to cheat and slip into my life-jacket pocket that oh so important c120 tape featuring selected Temptations, Miracles, Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, James Brown, Otis Redding and other gems from the Motown back catalogue on one side and twenty of my favourite disco, funk, house and rave singles mixed into a continuous sixty minute loop on the other.

Actually, since I'm taking something to dance to, I'd better include The Shamen's In Gorbachev We Trust. Here, Colin and Will, after they'd given up wanting to be Pink Floyd and before Will went and died (in a bizarre and very Spinal Tap 'drowning accident') and Colin turned himself into a comic-strip parody of himself, managed to produce their perfect synthasis of style and content. 'Synergy' is a song to die for. An absolute gem of a song, mixing drug-speak with Star Trek samples and thrashy guitars. Everybody in the western world should be made to listen to this song at least once a day (possibly twice). After that, even the funky-wibbling of 'Raspberry Infundibulum', 'Jesus Loves Amerika', and 'Transcendental' sound tame. Also, In Gorbachev We Trust includes a new twist on that old standby, the drug song, 'Adam Strange'.

And so we come to the finale: One last LP to take. Well, since I'm taking my favourite LP's of 'all time' and since 'all time' is 'any time' and there being no time like the present, there is nothing that excites, amuses or pleases me more than Denim. For those who don't know, Denim are the bastard offspring of the 1970s, formed by Lawrence Felt with various ex-members of The Glitter Band. Denim sing songs about the Seventies in a way you've never heard before. Back In Denim is a seriously funny record. I mean, any band who can have the nerve to record 'Theme From Robin's Nest' as a b-side have got to be worth a laugh, right? The opening song, 'Back In Denim' informs us that 'Denim put the soul in your rock and roll', which is the greatest piece of self deification since 'Hey, Bo Diddley'. In 'Middle Of The Road', Lawrence produces a literary of all of the music he hates before telling the listener that, if they are looking for him, he'll be found 'in the middle of the road.' There is better to come as the LP progresses through its centre piece, 'The Osmonds'.

'The Osmonds' is the most important song ever written about the 1970s. Whether tongue in cheek or completely serious, 'The Osmonds' tells it how it is, or rather was. The song name-checks every facet of the era, from Love thy Neighbour and Chopper bikes to Derby County and Oxford bags. 'American Rock' is the best Lou Reed song that Lou Reed never wrote, concerning two guys called Jake and Bill and a girl called Jane. It's affectionate and witty and also rockin'. Back In Denim ends with Lawrence's most personal song, 'I'm Against The Eighties' in which the singer tells us why he's hated the last ten years so much. It's interesting that from the nostalgic distance of two decades away, even The Osmonds can look pretty groovy. Let all the children boogie.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

A Right Bastard

I see that naughty old rapscallion Augusto Pinochet has finally kicked the bucket. At the age of ninety one in his own bed of 'old age.'

What a real shame it wasn't, you know, 'at fifty one, with a bullet in the skull in The Santiago Stadium after having suffered unbelievable torture from his Goon Squads like so many of the desaparecidos in the sick and venal climate of the Chile he ruled.'

Genuinely sad, that.

Still, hopefully the despicable old shit is currently roasting in Hell for eternity.

That's for Victor Jara and Salvador Allende and all of the other people you had murdered, Augusto.

Venceremos!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

A Winter's Tale

Quick round-up of recent activities, dear blog reader.
Firstly just a note that the 4 December Book Club show is now available on Radio Newcastle's Listen Again feature:
The books featured on the show are:
1. John Fisher - Tommy Cooper: Always Leave Them Laughing (HarperCollins)
2. Carol Clerk - Pogue Mahone: The Story Of The Pogues (Omnibus)
3. Rodney Hinds - Black Lions (Sports Books)
4. Elizabeth Chadwick - The Scarlet Lion (Little/Brown)
5. Brian May, Patrick Moore & Chris Lintott - Bang! The Complete History Of The Universe (Carlton Books)
The original plan was also to feature David Freemantle's Rats, Bats & Strange Toilets (Zymurgy Publishing). But, sadly it had to be dropped at the last moment due to time restrictions (I talked too much about Tommy Cooper and The Pogues, basically!).

Next month, I'll include a full list of the various other books I've received recently along with the January Book Club details - the programme will be on 8 January as the previous Monday is a Bank Holiday.

I've also been very busy doing a lot of work for Visual Imagination recently:
I particularly draw readers attentions to TV Zone issues 209 and 210 and Xposé issue 100 and Special 31 all of which feature loads of me. But, you know, don't let that put you off.

I'm currently covering Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, Torchwood and The State Within for TV Zone and there's yet another "no-honestly-this-is the-last-Buffy-article-I'm-ever-writing" coming up in a forthcoming issue. As somebody noted recently, "I keep trying to get out and they keep pulling me back in!"

Oh, and finally, an answer to one of the questions I posed in an earlier posting - "whatever happened to Arthur Two-Stroke and the Chart Commandos"? My good mate Malcolm Holt, author of the excellent Magpies Memories and More Magpie Memories (Breedon Books) rang me this morning to note that he'd recently attended the opening night of a rather excellent looking Thirtieth Anniversary Of Punk retrospective, PUNK76!, at Newcastle's Discovery Museum which runs from early December to late January 2007 (I'm going to have to get along to that myself at some stage). Anyway, Malcolm mentioned that at the event he'd bumped into not only Old Stroke-y himsen but, also, one of his Commandos. I was really pleased to hear that. Reminded me of seeing the band at the Allendale Community Centre in about 1979. Until you've heard their version of 'The Theme From Hawaii 5-0', you have never lived.
Next week on "whatever the hell happened too...?", whatever the hell happened to David Baird, singer of the mighty 'Friday Neet (Gannin T'The Toon)'? And, where the hell can I find a copy on CD? I really want to put in on my MP3 Player!
And is there anyone out there who has a copy of 'Is There Anyone Out There?' by Mighty Mighty on CD? Another one from my vinyl collection that deserves a place being digitised!

Recently viewed:
Casino Royale - excellent but half-an-hour too long.

Recently Read:
James Owen - A Serpent In Eden (Abacus)
Catrine Clay - King, Kaiser, Tsar (John Murray Publishing)
Brian Southall & Rupert Perry - Northern Songs: The True Story Of The Beatles' Song Publishing Empire (Omnibus Press)
At least a couple of which will be featured in the January Book Club.

Keep your Mincers Peeled For...:
A good next couple of months on TV both in the UK (Waking The Dead, Life On Mars, Steven Moffat's Jekyll) and the US (24, Lost, Veronica Mars, BSG).