Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon have confirmed that they will return in a second series of Michael Winterbottom's The Trip. The BAFTA-winning six-episode series in 2010 featured both actors playing - wildly exaggerated - versions of themselves on an ill-fated restaurant road-trip. Coogan told Empire: 'We are going to Italy. I went there three weeks ago to meet Rob and Michael to go for dinner and talk about what we were going to do.' 
He added: 'We're supposed to be retracing the footsteps of the Romantics, of Shelley and Byron and Keats, and I don't know enough about it. I'm damned if Rob's going to come across as an authority on it. It'll be a great motivation for me to read up on it so that when we improvise, I can drop some information on him.' Brydon had earlier teased on Twitter that he was 'just back from a short trip with Mister Coogan', posting an image of himself and Coogan in an airport. This week he confirmed the news, telling followers that filming on The Trip 2 would start 'very soon' in Italy, taking in 'many and varied locations', while confirming that director Winterbottom was 'on board and in charge.' Hurrah. That is good news. The original series was, by a mile, the best thing either Coogan or Brydon has been involved in, literally, years.
The ONE Show is to continue for at least three more years under a new BBC deal. Outgoing BBC1 controller Danny Cohen has agreed a new commission that will see the early-evening topical magazine show remain on the air until 2016, Broadcast reports. The ONE Show originally launched in 2006, hosted by grumpy odious greed bucket (and drag) Adrian Chiles and Nadia Sawalha. Alex Jones is now the programme's regular host, accompanied by Matt Baker from Monday to Thursday and by Chris Evans on Fridays. Plans are also under way for The ONE Show to relocate from its BBC Media Village home to Central London's New Broadcasting House. A BBC spokeswoman confirmed: 'BBC1 has commissioned three more series of The ONE Show, which will see the topical live magazine programme shown on the channel for the next three years.'
The creator of the popular US period drama Mad Men has hit back at critics of the latest season saying 'fans don't run the show.' Some viewers expressed disappointment with season six, which began in America at the beginning of April. Speaking ahead of a Mad Men panel event, Matthew Weiner said that people were still watching and urged fans to 'sit back and enjoy where we're going.'
It 'might be a little salacious, but that's what the show is,' he added. Weiner said he opened the season in 1968 because he believed it was 'one of the worst years in US history', but refused to give anything away about the direction of the plot. Viewers of the penultimate season have so far learned that advertising man Don Draper, played by Jon Hamm, remains tormented and is cheating on new wife Megan (Jessica Pare). But Weiner says he believes his lead character remains redeemable despite his flaws. 'We'll have to see what the world hands him and if he's able to confront a problem that's following him around - that might actually be him,' he said.
On a similar 'why isn't everybody talking about me, me, me, me, me, me, me?' note, attention junkie John Barrowman has suggested that Doctor Who's fiftieth anniversary special is being 'aimed at a new audience' rather than at 'the fans.' Which it isn't. Not even remotely close. It's being aimed (as Doctor Who has for most of its life) at the, roughly, eight to ten million people who regularly watch Doctor Who each week in the UK either on TV or on catch-up and the however many tens of millions more viewers worldwide, of whom, organised 'capital F' fandom make up a tiny fraction of one per cent.
In other words, it's being made for 'normal' members of the general public, why is that bafflingly simple conceit so difficult for some to get their head around? Barrowman told The TV Addict: 'John Barrowman is disappointed ... but I totally understand.' Started referring to yourself in the third person, eh John? Yer actual Keith Telly Topping massively approves of this charming affectation. 'I remember Russell T Davies saying something to a fan once - the fan was saying, "You should bring back The Brigadier and you should bring back Leela and you should bring back all these different characters." Russell said, "No, it's not appropriate sometimes. It's not always about the uber-fan. It's about the viewer and the new audience who are watching."' Or, perhaps, people who've been watching for years - decades, even - but aren't 'fans', they're simply 'viewers'. Jeez, talk about making a crisis out of a drama.
Barrowman meanwhile, has also 'revealed' that he and Alex Kingston would like to star in their own Doctor Who spin-off series. Oh God, does a single solitary day go by without another manufactured story appearing concerning what John Barrowman does or doesn't want in relation to Doctor Who? A tip, sweetheart, this is all starting to look just a bit, you know, 'needy.'
Want to see the latest wholly shitehawk 'exclusive' anti-BBC piece from some arsehole bullyboy louse of no importance at the Daily Scum Mail, dear blog reader? No, me neither, frankly, but I present it here as a public service nevertheless. This is an article which was compiled, seemingly, after a brief trawl around Twitter to find a handful of negative comments about hygiene on the latest series of MasterChef. This is journalism, apparently. Twats. And then they wonder why Lord Leveson wants to throw them into the gutter along with all the other turds. Meanwhile, thankfully, there's a much funnier (and far more observant) piece on the show from the Sabotage Times's Joshua Burt: 
'It's been a great series so far. Gregg's lost a load of weight and now looks like half-a-Gregg. Torode has started doing a bit where he cooks everyone dinner then gets them to cook him five dinners in return. That's how big businesses start. And there have been some shocking early casualties. A really posh guy who likes throwing dinner pardies for his cool mates looked like a contender at one point. There was a student from Edinburgh who moonlights as a goddess in the kitchen who got the hoof for undercooking either a seagull or a pigeon. That was an embarrassing shock for me on a personal level because I'd been telling everyone for weeks that she was definitely going to win. And when I say I was telling everyone for weeks, I mean the thought drifted in and out of my mind once.' I particularly enjoyed his description of Saira: 'This chick knows her way around a stove, and cooks a mean takeaway. So far she's done chops in a green sand made of spices and chillies, she fried an onion and popped it in a white paper bag, and when the teams were forced to cook a huge feast for a load of guys who were either strippers or actual firemen she threw together a sponge and custard that you'd probably serve to Zeus. Everyone loves her, she's more cheerful than a talking erection and if she doesn't win this thing someone else definitely will. I want her to win it for her kids.' Seemingly, Saira enjoyed this description too, recently reposting it on Twitter!
Incidentally, the best quote on last night's MasterChef episode was when John Torode said: 'I think he's playing with fire.' Yes John, that's called cooking.
The Politician's Husband began with very decent ratings for BBC2 on Thursday evening, overnight data has revealed. David Tennant and Emily Watson's new drama opened with 2.49 million viewers at 9pm. Earlier, the current series of James May's Man Lab ended with 1.19m at 8pm, while the start of the second series of Watson & Oliver was seen by nine hundred and three thousand punters at 10pm. On BBC1, MasterChef doesn't seem to have suffered too much from the - alleged - 'viewer disgust' which the Daily Scum Mail were unconvincingly claiming was running rampant across the country, as semi-finals week continued with the highest overnight audience of this series so far, 5.21m at 8pm. Great Bear Stakeout took in 3.37m at 9pm, while Question Time attracted 2.62m at 10.45pm. ITV's - usual piss-poor - coverage of Moscow Chelski FC's Europa League win over Basle scored 3.76m at 7.45pm. On Channel Four, Secret Eaters gobbled up 1.32m at 8pm (did you see what yer actual Keith Telly Topping did there?)
The BBC has released a first image from upcoming drama The Musketeers. Skins star Luke Pasqualino will play D'Artagnan in the ten-parter, from Primeval co-creator Adrian Hodges. Pasqualino appears in the first promo shot for the series, opposite Merlin's Santiago Cabrera (as Aramis), The Hour's Tom Burke (as Athos) and Howard Charles playing Porthos. Peter Capaldi will also appear as the Cardinal Richlieu in the 'fresh and contemporary take' on Alexandre Dumas's classic novel. Additional cast members include Tamla Kari, Maimie McCoy and Hugo Speer.
Yer actual Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer his very self have revealed that they are 'over the moon' to be back on BBC2 with their new sitcom House of Fools. The duo, who have starred in Shooting Stars, Bang Bang ... It's Reeves and Mortimer and The Smell Of ... Reeves and Mortimer on BBC2 in the past, will film the new series later this year. Set in 'Bob's grubby flat', the studio-based sitcom will feature Matt Berry, Dan Skinner, Daniel Simonsen and Morgana Robinson. 
Vic and Bob play flatmates on the show and they will have lots of unwanted visitors including lady-obsessed lothario Beef (played by Berry), ex-con Bosh (Skinner) and 'man-eater' Julie (Robinson). In the same way that Shooting Stars bent the rules of the panel show, the duo's sitcom promises to be 'filled with uniquely surreal jokes, physical nonsense, daft songs, unimaginable props and impossible situations.' Sounds great. Shane Allen, BBC's new comedy commissioner, said: 'Vic and Bob are the daddies of daft comedy and it's a total joy to watch two men in their fifties goof about so gloriously. I'm extremely proud to bring them back to the BBC in this hilarious reincarnation.' Vic and Bob commented: 'We're back where we belong and over the moon about making a series of House of Fools for the BBC.' BBC2 head honcho Janice Hadlow said: 'I'm delighted to be welcoming Vic and Bob back to BBC2, bringing their unique blend of energy and brilliant comedy to the channel.'
Mel Giedroyc is to host Channel Four's new daytime series Draw It! Developed with the makers of the mobile app Draw Something, the show will see two teams - made up of one contestant and one celebrity - go head to head as they battle it out in three rounds of drawing challenges in an attempt to win five thousand smackers. Sounds ghastly. But then, so did The Great British Bake-Off and that turned out all right.
The BBC have finally confirmed that the Doctor Who Regeneration DVD set which has been listed on Internet sites such as the BBC Shop and Amazon will, indeed, be released in June. As the title implied, this release deals with The Doctor's various regenerations, and will be presented as a limited edition, 'coffee-table' book which will include six DVDs covering the adventures associated with the change of actor - and includes the premiere of the newly animation-enhanced The Tenth Planet on DVD.
The full list of stories are: The Tenth Planet (1966), The War Games (1969), Planet of the Spiders (1974), Logopolis (1981), The Caves of Androzani (1984), Time and the Rani (1987), Doctor Who: The Movie (1996), Bad Wolf and The Parting of the Ways (2005) and The End of Time (2010). Regeneration will now be released on 24 June and not 10 June as originally scheduled.
Speculation over who would replace Danny Cohen as BBC1 controller sparked into life just minutes after he was unveiled as the BBC's next director of television. Cohen has already begun discussions about hiring an interim controller for BBC1 before starting his new role on 7 May, but it is not yet clear whether he will plump for a candidate who covets the position long term. He will pick the interim boss directly, but will be part of a larger interview board when it comes to finding his permanent successor. Several alleged BBC 'insiders' have allegedly named Ben Stephenson as a strong contender, while others have noted that the drama controller's equivalent in entertainment, Mark Linsey, may be plotting a tilt at the post. BBC3 controller Zai Bennett is also thought to be a credible candidate, and Cohen has shown that the channel can be a springboard for the BBC1 role.
An - excellently named - former Deal or No Deal contestant has admitted to six counts of benefit fraud. Caroline Banana (no, really) won ninety five thousand smackers on the Channel Four game show hosted by The Beard of Despair in 2011. However, she did not declare her winnings in official forms, and continued to claim income support, housing benefit and council tax benefit. Prosecutor Trevor Vernon told North Staffordshire Magistrates' Court: 'The trigger to the whole episode was Miss Banana completing an income support application on 12 April 2011. To the question, "Is there money owed to you or your children?" she ticked "no" on that form.
This was quite clearly not the case because in March that year she won the ninety five thousand pounds and was awaiting payment of that money and that payment was due in May.' Banana had claimed a total of six thousand one hundred and forty seven quid in payments to which she was not entitled between 8 April 2011 and 23 March 2012. Judge David Taylor ordered a pre-sentence report on Banana, ahead of passing sentence on Monday of next week, warning her that she may be jailed for the false claims. He said: 'All options are appropriate in this particular case. It is the prosecution view that these offences are serious enough for immediate custody. Only once I have read the report will I have all the facts to decide your case.' A charge of 'helping to prolong the odious Noel Edmonds's career' does not appear to have been laid against her. Pity, really.
One of the episodes of American serial killer series Hannibal - œuf - has reportedly pulled from the schedule by the showrunner Bryan Fuller, who decided that the subject matter was 'not suitable for broadcast' due to certain representations of children in it. The episode revolved around kidnapped children who had been brainwashed into murdering their own former families. Fuller's decision was, it seems, made a short time before the Boston bombings and was, it has been stressed, not affected by it. The episode will apparently still be broadcast in other countries. Fuller said of the decision: 'With this episode, it wasn't about the graphic imagery or violence. It was the associations that came with the subject matter that I felt would inhibit the enjoyment of the overall episode. It was my own sensitivity. We want to be respectful of the social climate we're in right now.' Instead, Fuller has released the episode to YouTube as a series of webisodes. Unfortunately, if you're in the UK, you can't see them, presumably for copyright reasons.
Odious, risible greed bucket horrorshow (and drag) the curiously orange Christina Bleakley is reportedly facing a seventy per cent pay cut if she stays with Twatting About On Ice. And, wer'e supposed to, what, feel sorry for her? Not bloody likely. Bleakley has, according to reports, been earning around forty thousand smackers per show – four hundred grand for the series – as part of her four million knicker 'golden handcuffs' ITV contract. However, the deal comes to an end this summer, allowing ITV to offer a smaller contract of around twelve thousand quid per show, reports the Mirra.
An alleged TV 'source' allegedly said: 'Christine has been paid an awful lot for not very much in recent times. Perhaps, the pendulum will swing back in our favour.' Bleakley's other presenting roles on ITV since being sacked in shame and ignominy from Daybreak in 2011 have been one-offs - Text Santa and That Dog Can Dance both risible flops. Last month, Bleakley was reported to be 'facing the axe' by ITV (although, tragically, it was a metaphorical, not an actuall axe), following the end of her contract in June. She recently delayed wedding plans to her boyfriend, soon to be former Moscow Chelski FC midfielder Frank Lampard, as he is yet to finalise where he will be playing football next season. Bleakley quit management company Avalon last month in order to sign up with James Grant, who also manages the likes of Phillip Schofield, Ant and/or Dec, Holly Willoughby and Davina McCall.
And, speaking of those who've quit the BBC in search of mega-botty elsewhere, Hilary Devey's first Channel Four series The Intern has been given a new - late night - slot following poor ratings. The new show from the former Dragons' Den judge launched to 1.11 million viewers earlier this month, but has steadily dropped since then. Its latest episode attracted just one hundred and fifty thousand punters. The Intern originally aired on Thursday nights at 9pm, but has now been moved to Wednesdays at 11pm. Devey was reportedly offered one million smackers for a two-year deal with Channel Four after she departed Dragons' Den last year. An alleged Channel Four 'insider' allegedly snitched to the Sun: 'It was a show about youth employment which is always going to be a gamble. Viewers don't seem to like it so we can't have it hogging a prime 9pm slot with such low figures. You can't win them all.' A spokesman for the channel said, rather matter-of-factly: 'The two remaining episodes of The Intern have been scheduled at 11pm.' Chances of another series? Two hopes. Bob hope or no hope.
'PR guru' (that's a job title, apparently) Max Clifford has been charged with eleven indecent assaults allegedly committed between 1966 and 1985. The alleged offences allegedly relate to seven different women and girls ranging in age from fourteen to nineteen years old. Clifford, from Surrey, who has denied any wrongdoing, will appear before magistrates on 28 May. He was arrested as part of Operation Yewtree - set up after claims were made against Jimmy Savile - although the arrest is said to be unrelated to the former DJ. Operation Yewtree has three strands. One concerns Savile's crimes exclusively, while another relates to allegations against Savile and others. The third strand, under which Clifford was arrested, concentrates on accusations unconnected to the Savile investigations but which emerged as a result of the publicity surrounding the Savile fiasco. Clifford, who was first arrested on 6 December 2012, was charged after answering bail at a London police station following advice from the Crown Prosecution Service. He was not charged over three further allegations as there was 'insufficient evidence to authorise charges', the Crown Prosecution Service said.
Zooey Deschanel has received an apology over a closed captioning error and an acknowledgement that she was not, in fact, the Boston bomber. Fox Four News' subtitles reported the actress as a suspect in the Boston Marathon bombings last week. While covering the manhunt for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on Friday, the subtitles stated next to a picture of the suspect: 'He is nineteen-year-old Zooey Deschanel.' Kala J Patterson, President of Caption Solutions - the Kansas-based company behind the error - stated that the company 'deeply' regrets the error and 'sincerely apologises' to the well known actress, according to the New York Post.
I always thought she never done it.
A former policeman has admitted selling information to the Sun newspaper. James Bowes, from Steyning in West Sussex, pleaded guilty at the Old Bailey to one count of misconduct in public office. He is to be sentenced at a later date. Bowes is the fourth police officer to be convicted as part of Operation Elveden, Scotland Yard's investigation into corrupt payments to public officials. The other police officers convicted as part of the same investigation were given custodial sentences ranging from ten to fifteen months.
Britain's tough libel laws have prevented the UK publication of Amanda Knox's account of the murder of Meredith Kercher, according to the book's publisher. Publication of the twenty five-year-old's memoir, Waiting To Be Heard, is due to go ahead as scheduled in the US, Canada and Australia on Tuesday. HarperCollins UK, the book publisher owned by billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, has been due to publish the 'tell-all' book early next month but has pulled out over fears of legal action according to the Gruniad Morning Star. 'Due to our legal system, and relying upon advice from our counsel, HarperCollins UK will not publish a British edition of Waiting To Be Heard, by Amanda Knox, at this time,' said a spokesman for HarperCollins UK. British readers will be able to buy the book online. Amazon's promotional blurb describes it as 'a remarkable story of innocence, resilience, and courage.' The publisher is concerned that the UK's stringent libel laws mean that it could run into legal difficulties because a retrial of Knox and her ex-boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, has been ordered by Italian authorities. In addition, the publisher is said to be 'closely monitoring' a number of libel cases in Italy where police and authorities are suing Knox and her parents for defamation over claims made in the press about how she was treated and her interrogation about the murder. It is thought HarperCollins UK's decision not to publish the book was influenced by the case of Lawrence Wright's tell-all about Scientology, Going Clear. The book, which Amazon describes as a 'clear-sighted revelation, a deep penetration' into Scientology, had a global release on 17 January. However, the book, which is published by Random House subsidiary TransWorld, was not distributed in the UK because of what one alleged 'source' allegedly said was 'concerns' about libel laws. 'It was published pretty much everywhere but here,' the Gruniad quote the alleged 'source' as saying. Knox, who was reportedly paid four million dollars for her book deal, has given interviews in the run-up to the publication of Waiting To Be Heard. Her first TV interview, with ABC news anchor Diane Sawyer, will be broadcast on Tuesday. Last week she gave an interview to celebrity magazine People in which she said that she hoped that Meredith Kercher's family read her account. Kercher, a twenty one-year-old from South London, was a student studying in Italy when she was murdered in the Umbrian town of Perugia in November 2007. She was found in her bedroom in the villa she shared with Knox, like Kercher an exchange student and two Italian women. Knox and Sollecito were convicted in 2009 of the murder and sexual assault of Kercher, but had their convictions overturned by an Italian appeals court in 2011. Last month Italy's highest criminal court overturned Knox's acquittal and ordered a new trial.
So, dear blog reader are you distraught over the JLS split announced earlier this week - due, as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's mate Danny Blythe so wisely noted, to 'musical similarities'? Well, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's bud Uncle Scunthorpe Steve Drayton has some sage advice for you in such an event: 'When Take That split a national emergency and three days of mourning were announced. Refugee camps opened on both the Welsh and Scottish borders. I had a copy of Take That's Greatest Hits, even I was affected. Since the Take That days though, our culture has slipped. We're all Cowellites now.
From Ant and Dec gurning away, guffawing at some inanity from Steven Mulhearn to that fucking dancing fucking dog, to "ordinary" people flapping about in sunshine yellow adverts to those over-smug-choir-twats in the Halifax commercial, everything is available to everyone as long as you're "normal" and a bit of a rough diamond, with a sob story about cancer or your grandma getting her knob caught in a mangle. That's how it works. The canonisation of JLS, though, is a new low. Sing a JLS song, go on, do it. No, me neither. They're the epitome of a cultural nothingness. A construct, a flim-flam, a highly-polished turd in a sewerage plant full of slightly-buffed jobbies. A million JLS fans can't be wrong. Surely if a million people like them, they must have something going for them? Once National Socialism had a million fans, look what happened there.' Aye. What he said. Love the complete disregard for Mister Godwin and his so-called frigging 'law' as well. I loathe the smug fekkers that bellow 'Godwin's' at regular intervals when you've just made a perfectly valid comparison between some aspect of fascism and, say, the fact that Alan Titchmarsh is alive and getting paid as well. Anyway ...
Speaking of Uncle Scuthorpe, Thursday's Record Player (The Kick Inside by Ms Bush her very self) was a jolly good night, particularly under the circumstances. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping and his friend Vicky won the quiz (top prize, a vinyl copy of Never Forever that'll be going straight up on eBay!) And yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self also got to tell his 'I actually met yer actual Kate Bush, actually' story at least three times to different groups of people. Which is always a laugh.
'You've actually met yer actual Kate Bush, actually, Keith Telly Topping?' I hear you bellow quizzically like a ... you know, big quizzical bellowing thing? Why yes I have, dear blog reader. Albeit briefly. And, it occurred on, probably, the most bizarre day of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's life. But, it makes a great story to drop into casual conversation, it must be said. What happened was, essentially, this: A mate of yer actual Keith Telly Topping, young Lee (big Doctor Who fan which is how we'd become acquainted), had just started work at Abbey Road as a recording engineer or something (tape operator, essentially). So, one day - this would have been during the summer 1985 (it was before Hounds of Love came out because I remember they were finishing off the mixing of that at the time; I note the LP came out in September so this would probably have been around July 85) - Lee said 'next time you're down in London, Keith Telly Topping, come over to the studio and I'll give you the tour.' So, yer actual Keith Telly Topping did just exactly that.
He got The Clipper down to The Smoke, got tube from King's Cross up to St John's Wood, found Cavendish Avenue, walked down past what he presumed (by the massive security gates) to be McCartney's gaff, found Abbey Road, walked across the zebra crossing, walked across it again (yes, yes ... we've all done it) then went to the door and said, 'Hello, I'm Keith Telly Topping, I have an appointment.' He got signed in as 'a guest', and was ushered into studio two where he had his photo taken with his feet up on the mixing console once touched by George Martin his very self (see right). He met Geoff Emmerick who doing some mixing, then had a walk over to studio one and, eventually, went back to the room Lee was working in and listened to some the the recordings Lee had been working on recently, including a couple of songs from Hounds of Love which, as noted, was a couple of months away from release. And various other stuff (New Model Army was one, I seem to remember. Possibly some early Pet Shop Boys). Then, yer actual Keith Telly Topping found that he desperately needed the lavvy so he was pointed in the direction of the mens room, up a short flight of stairs. So, yer actual Keith Telly Topping is walking along the corridor and, of a sudden, a door to one side opens and only bleeding Paul McCartney MBE walks out and heads in Keith Telly Topping's direction, passing him with the briefest of nods. Keith Telly Topping, in something of a state of shock then finds the urinals at the end of the corridor (remember, the last time he'd encountered an ex-Beatle it had been stalking George Harrison down Oxford Street three years earlier). Yer actual Keith Telly Topping is now standing happily having a long (and much-needed) slash (there may have been ecstatic moaning at one point, yer actual Keith Telly Topping can't be certain) when he hears the door behind him open and, to his left, it's only bleeding Mister David Bowie arrived to use the next stall along for a leak. (Now, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has to inform you all at this point, dear blog reader, that Mr Bowie his very self is not a small man.) Okay, so that's all extremely bizarre. Then Lee says 'listen, Keith Telly Topping, I've got about half-an-hour's worth of stuff to do, I'll take you down the canteen for a cuppa.' 
So, Keith Telly Topping is thinking 'great, the EMI canteen. The Beatles drank in there!' We walk in and the gaff is deserted ... except for Miss Kate Bush sitting in the corner reading a book and having a coffee. 'Hello Kate,' says Lee. 'This is my mate Keith Telly Topping. He's from Newcastle.' I'm not sure exactly what reaction he thought that geographical revelation would get from Ms Bush but ... and, yer actual Keith Telly Topping swears to God this is true, her reply was: 'Wow! Hey! Wow!' Yes, yer actual Keith Telly Topping really did miss a trick by not replying to this 'un-be-leeeeee-va-bull!' But, tragically, he didn't. He merely said 'hello, I've just been listening to a couple of the songs off your new LP' (one of which, yer actual Keith Telly Topping always remembers was 'Big Sky', still a particular favourite of his). She said, 'Oh, great.' He said: 'They're very good.' And then he sat down with his tea and she drank her coffee and at one point he asked her why it'd been four years since her last record and she said it always took her a long time to write and there'd been 'a few distractions'. Then she went back to her book and he started leafing through a copy of Melody Maker that was lying on the table and fifteen minutes later she left. So, there you go, dear blog reader. Keith Telly Topping's day at Abbey Road with the Stars on 45. He went back to the gaff a couple of times after that over the next year or so to meet up with Lee (it was a useful stopping off point if we were going on to the Fitzroy that evening) but the only remotely famous person he saw on either of those occasions was Ben Watt of Everything But The Girl. Anyway ... true story, that!
So, on that bombshell, here's today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day in memory of a very strange but never less than memorable day. Wow. Unbelievable.
He added: 'We're supposed to be retracing the footsteps of the Romantics, of Shelley and Byron and Keats, and I don't know enough about it. I'm damned if Rob's going to come across as an authority on it. It'll be a great motivation for me to read up on it so that when we improvise, I can drop some information on him.' Brydon had earlier teased on Twitter that he was 'just back from a short trip with Mister Coogan', posting an image of himself and Coogan in an airport. This week he confirmed the news, telling followers that filming on The Trip 2 would start 'very soon' in Italy, taking in 'many and varied locations', while confirming that director Winterbottom was 'on board and in charge.' Hurrah. That is good news. The original series was, by a mile, the best thing either Coogan or Brydon has been involved in, literally, years. The ONE Show is to continue for at least three more years under a new BBC deal. Outgoing BBC1 controller Danny Cohen has agreed a new commission that will see the early-evening topical magazine show remain on the air until 2016, Broadcast reports. The ONE Show originally launched in 2006, hosted by grumpy odious greed bucket (and drag) Adrian Chiles and Nadia Sawalha. Alex Jones is now the programme's regular host, accompanied by Matt Baker from Monday to Thursday and by Chris Evans on Fridays. Plans are also under way for The ONE Show to relocate from its BBC Media Village home to Central London's New Broadcasting House. A BBC spokeswoman confirmed: 'BBC1 has commissioned three more series of The ONE Show, which will see the topical live magazine programme shown on the channel for the next three years.'
The creator of the popular US period drama Mad Men has hit back at critics of the latest season saying 'fans don't run the show.' Some viewers expressed disappointment with season six, which began in America at the beginning of April. Speaking ahead of a Mad Men panel event, Matthew Weiner said that people were still watching and urged fans to 'sit back and enjoy where we're going.'
It 'might be a little salacious, but that's what the show is,' he added. Weiner said he opened the season in 1968 because he believed it was 'one of the worst years in US history', but refused to give anything away about the direction of the plot. Viewers of the penultimate season have so far learned that advertising man Don Draper, played by Jon Hamm, remains tormented and is cheating on new wife Megan (Jessica Pare). But Weiner says he believes his lead character remains redeemable despite his flaws. 'We'll have to see what the world hands him and if he's able to confront a problem that's following him around - that might actually be him,' he said.On a similar 'why isn't everybody talking about me, me, me, me, me, me, me?' note, attention junkie John Barrowman has suggested that Doctor Who's fiftieth anniversary special is being 'aimed at a new audience' rather than at 'the fans.' Which it isn't. Not even remotely close. It's being aimed (as Doctor Who has for most of its life) at the, roughly, eight to ten million people who regularly watch Doctor Who each week in the UK either on TV or on catch-up and the however many tens of millions more viewers worldwide, of whom, organised 'capital F' fandom make up a tiny fraction of one per cent.
In other words, it's being made for 'normal' members of the general public, why is that bafflingly simple conceit so difficult for some to get their head around? Barrowman told The TV Addict: 'John Barrowman is disappointed ... but I totally understand.' Started referring to yourself in the third person, eh John? Yer actual Keith Telly Topping massively approves of this charming affectation. 'I remember Russell T Davies saying something to a fan once - the fan was saying, "You should bring back The Brigadier and you should bring back Leela and you should bring back all these different characters." Russell said, "No, it's not appropriate sometimes. It's not always about the uber-fan. It's about the viewer and the new audience who are watching."' Or, perhaps, people who've been watching for years - decades, even - but aren't 'fans', they're simply 'viewers'. Jeez, talk about making a crisis out of a drama.Barrowman meanwhile, has also 'revealed' that he and Alex Kingston would like to star in their own Doctor Who spin-off series. Oh God, does a single solitary day go by without another manufactured story appearing concerning what John Barrowman does or doesn't want in relation to Doctor Who? A tip, sweetheart, this is all starting to look just a bit, you know, 'needy.'
'It's been a great series so far. Gregg's lost a load of weight and now looks like half-a-Gregg. Torode has started doing a bit where he cooks everyone dinner then gets them to cook him five dinners in return. That's how big businesses start. And there have been some shocking early casualties. A really posh guy who likes throwing dinner pardies for his cool mates looked like a contender at one point. There was a student from Edinburgh who moonlights as a goddess in the kitchen who got the hoof for undercooking either a seagull or a pigeon. That was an embarrassing shock for me on a personal level because I'd been telling everyone for weeks that she was definitely going to win. And when I say I was telling everyone for weeks, I mean the thought drifted in and out of my mind once.' I particularly enjoyed his description of Saira: 'This chick knows her way around a stove, and cooks a mean takeaway. So far she's done chops in a green sand made of spices and chillies, she fried an onion and popped it in a white paper bag, and when the teams were forced to cook a huge feast for a load of guys who were either strippers or actual firemen she threw together a sponge and custard that you'd probably serve to Zeus. Everyone loves her, she's more cheerful than a talking erection and if she doesn't win this thing someone else definitely will. I want her to win it for her kids.' Seemingly, Saira enjoyed this description too, recently reposting it on Twitter! Incidentally, the best quote on last night's MasterChef episode was when John Torode said: 'I think he's playing with fire.' Yes John, that's called cooking.
The BBC has released a first image from upcoming drama The Musketeers. Skins star Luke Pasqualino will play D'Artagnan in the ten-parter, from Primeval co-creator Adrian Hodges. Pasqualino appears in the first promo shot for the series, opposite Merlin's Santiago Cabrera (as Aramis), The Hour's Tom Burke (as Athos) and Howard Charles playing Porthos. Peter Capaldi will also appear as the Cardinal Richlieu in the 'fresh and contemporary take' on Alexandre Dumas's classic novel. Additional cast members include Tamla Kari, Maimie McCoy and Hugo Speer.
Vic and Bob play flatmates on the show and they will have lots of unwanted visitors including lady-obsessed lothario Beef (played by Berry), ex-con Bosh (Skinner) and 'man-eater' Julie (Robinson). In the same way that Shooting Stars bent the rules of the panel show, the duo's sitcom promises to be 'filled with uniquely surreal jokes, physical nonsense, daft songs, unimaginable props and impossible situations.' Sounds great. Shane Allen, BBC's new comedy commissioner, said: 'Vic and Bob are the daddies of daft comedy and it's a total joy to watch two men in their fifties goof about so gloriously. I'm extremely proud to bring them back to the BBC in this hilarious reincarnation.' Vic and Bob commented: 'We're back where we belong and over the moon about making a series of House of Fools for the BBC.' BBC2 head honcho Janice Hadlow said: 'I'm delighted to be welcoming Vic and Bob back to BBC2, bringing their unique blend of energy and brilliant comedy to the channel.'Mel Giedroyc is to host Channel Four's new daytime series Draw It! Developed with the makers of the mobile app Draw Something, the show will see two teams - made up of one contestant and one celebrity - go head to head as they battle it out in three rounds of drawing challenges in an attempt to win five thousand smackers. Sounds ghastly. But then, so did The Great British Bake-Off and that turned out all right.
The BBC have finally confirmed that the Doctor Who Regeneration DVD set which has been listed on Internet sites such as the BBC Shop and Amazon will, indeed, be released in June. As the title implied, this release deals with The Doctor's various regenerations, and will be presented as a limited edition, 'coffee-table' book which will include six DVDs covering the adventures associated with the change of actor - and includes the premiere of the newly animation-enhanced The Tenth Planet on DVD.
The full list of stories are: The Tenth Planet (1966), The War Games (1969), Planet of the Spiders (1974), Logopolis (1981), The Caves of Androzani (1984), Time and the Rani (1987), Doctor Who: The Movie (1996), Bad Wolf and The Parting of the Ways (2005) and The End of Time (2010). Regeneration will now be released on 24 June and not 10 June as originally scheduled. Speculation over who would replace Danny Cohen as BBC1 controller sparked into life just minutes after he was unveiled as the BBC's next director of television. Cohen has already begun discussions about hiring an interim controller for BBC1 before starting his new role on 7 May, but it is not yet clear whether he will plump for a candidate who covets the position long term. He will pick the interim boss directly, but will be part of a larger interview board when it comes to finding his permanent successor. Several alleged BBC 'insiders' have allegedly named Ben Stephenson as a strong contender, while others have noted that the drama controller's equivalent in entertainment, Mark Linsey, may be plotting a tilt at the post. BBC3 controller Zai Bennett is also thought to be a credible candidate, and Cohen has shown that the channel can be a springboard for the BBC1 role.
An - excellently named - former Deal or No Deal contestant has admitted to six counts of benefit fraud. Caroline Banana (no, really) won ninety five thousand smackers on the Channel Four game show hosted by The Beard of Despair in 2011. However, she did not declare her winnings in official forms, and continued to claim income support, housing benefit and council tax benefit. Prosecutor Trevor Vernon told North Staffordshire Magistrates' Court: 'The trigger to the whole episode was Miss Banana completing an income support application on 12 April 2011. To the question, "Is there money owed to you or your children?" she ticked "no" on that form.
This was quite clearly not the case because in March that year she won the ninety five thousand pounds and was awaiting payment of that money and that payment was due in May.' Banana had claimed a total of six thousand one hundred and forty seven quid in payments to which she was not entitled between 8 April 2011 and 23 March 2012. Judge David Taylor ordered a pre-sentence report on Banana, ahead of passing sentence on Monday of next week, warning her that she may be jailed for the false claims. He said: 'All options are appropriate in this particular case. It is the prosecution view that these offences are serious enough for immediate custody. Only once I have read the report will I have all the facts to decide your case.' A charge of 'helping to prolong the odious Noel Edmonds's career' does not appear to have been laid against her. Pity, really.One of the episodes of American serial killer series Hannibal - œuf - has reportedly pulled from the schedule by the showrunner Bryan Fuller, who decided that the subject matter was 'not suitable for broadcast' due to certain representations of children in it. The episode revolved around kidnapped children who had been brainwashed into murdering their own former families. Fuller's decision was, it seems, made a short time before the Boston bombings and was, it has been stressed, not affected by it. The episode will apparently still be broadcast in other countries. Fuller said of the decision: 'With this episode, it wasn't about the graphic imagery or violence. It was the associations that came with the subject matter that I felt would inhibit the enjoyment of the overall episode. It was my own sensitivity. We want to be respectful of the social climate we're in right now.' Instead, Fuller has released the episode to YouTube as a series of webisodes. Unfortunately, if you're in the UK, you can't see them, presumably for copyright reasons.
Odious, risible greed bucket horrorshow (and drag) the curiously orange Christina Bleakley is reportedly facing a seventy per cent pay cut if she stays with Twatting About On Ice. And, wer'e supposed to, what, feel sorry for her? Not bloody likely. Bleakley has, according to reports, been earning around forty thousand smackers per show – four hundred grand for the series – as part of her four million knicker 'golden handcuffs' ITV contract. However, the deal comes to an end this summer, allowing ITV to offer a smaller contract of around twelve thousand quid per show, reports the Mirra.
An alleged TV 'source' allegedly said: 'Christine has been paid an awful lot for not very much in recent times. Perhaps, the pendulum will swing back in our favour.' Bleakley's other presenting roles on ITV since being sacked in shame and ignominy from Daybreak in 2011 have been one-offs - Text Santa and That Dog Can Dance both risible flops. Last month, Bleakley was reported to be 'facing the axe' by ITV (although, tragically, it was a metaphorical, not an actuall axe), following the end of her contract in June. She recently delayed wedding plans to her boyfriend, soon to be former Moscow Chelski FC midfielder Frank Lampard, as he is yet to finalise where he will be playing football next season. Bleakley quit management company Avalon last month in order to sign up with James Grant, who also manages the likes of Phillip Schofield, Ant and/or Dec, Holly Willoughby and Davina McCall.
Zooey Deschanel has received an apology over a closed captioning error and an acknowledgement that she was not, in fact, the Boston bomber. Fox Four News' subtitles reported the actress as a suspect in the Boston Marathon bombings last week. While covering the manhunt for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on Friday, the subtitles stated next to a picture of the suspect: 'He is nineteen-year-old Zooey Deschanel.' Kala J Patterson, President of Caption Solutions - the Kansas-based company behind the error - stated that the company 'deeply' regrets the error and 'sincerely apologises' to the well known actress, according to the New York Post.
Britain's tough libel laws have prevented the UK publication of Amanda Knox's account of the murder of Meredith Kercher, according to the book's publisher. Publication of the twenty five-year-old's memoir, Waiting To Be Heard, is due to go ahead as scheduled in the US, Canada and Australia on Tuesday. HarperCollins UK, the book publisher owned by billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, has been due to publish the 'tell-all' book early next month but has pulled out over fears of legal action according to the Gruniad Morning Star. 'Due to our legal system, and relying upon advice from our counsel, HarperCollins UK will not publish a British edition of Waiting To Be Heard, by Amanda Knox, at this time,' said a spokesman for HarperCollins UK. British readers will be able to buy the book online. Amazon's promotional blurb describes it as 'a remarkable story of innocence, resilience, and courage.' The publisher is concerned that the UK's stringent libel laws mean that it could run into legal difficulties because a retrial of Knox and her ex-boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, has been ordered by Italian authorities. In addition, the publisher is said to be 'closely monitoring' a number of libel cases in Italy where police and authorities are suing Knox and her parents for defamation over claims made in the press about how she was treated and her interrogation about the murder. It is thought HarperCollins UK's decision not to publish the book was influenced by the case of Lawrence Wright's tell-all about Scientology, Going Clear. The book, which Amazon describes as a 'clear-sighted revelation, a deep penetration' into Scientology, had a global release on 17 January. However, the book, which is published by Random House subsidiary TransWorld, was not distributed in the UK because of what one alleged 'source' allegedly said was 'concerns' about libel laws. 'It was published pretty much everywhere but here,' the Gruniad quote the alleged 'source' as saying. Knox, who was reportedly paid four million dollars for her book deal, has given interviews in the run-up to the publication of Waiting To Be Heard. Her first TV interview, with ABC news anchor Diane Sawyer, will be broadcast on Tuesday. Last week she gave an interview to celebrity magazine People in which she said that she hoped that Meredith Kercher's family read her account. Kercher, a twenty one-year-old from South London, was a student studying in Italy when she was murdered in the Umbrian town of Perugia in November 2007. She was found in her bedroom in the villa she shared with Knox, like Kercher an exchange student and two Italian women. Knox and Sollecito were convicted in 2009 of the murder and sexual assault of Kercher, but had their convictions overturned by an Italian appeals court in 2011. Last month Italy's highest criminal court overturned Knox's acquittal and ordered a new trial.
So, dear blog reader are you distraught over the JLS split announced earlier this week - due, as yer actual Keith Telly Topping's mate Danny Blythe so wisely noted, to 'musical similarities'? Well, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's bud Uncle Scunthorpe Steve Drayton has some sage advice for you in such an event: 'When Take That split a national emergency and three days of mourning were announced. Refugee camps opened on both the Welsh and Scottish borders. I had a copy of Take That's Greatest Hits, even I was affected. Since the Take That days though, our culture has slipped. We're all Cowellites now.
From Ant and Dec gurning away, guffawing at some inanity from Steven Mulhearn to that fucking dancing fucking dog, to "ordinary" people flapping about in sunshine yellow adverts to those over-smug-choir-twats in the Halifax commercial, everything is available to everyone as long as you're "normal" and a bit of a rough diamond, with a sob story about cancer or your grandma getting her knob caught in a mangle. That's how it works. The canonisation of JLS, though, is a new low. Sing a JLS song, go on, do it. No, me neither. They're the epitome of a cultural nothingness. A construct, a flim-flam, a highly-polished turd in a sewerage plant full of slightly-buffed jobbies. A million JLS fans can't be wrong. Surely if a million people like them, they must have something going for them? Once National Socialism had a million fans, look what happened there.' Aye. What he said. Love the complete disregard for Mister Godwin and his so-called frigging 'law' as well. I loathe the smug fekkers that bellow 'Godwin's' at regular intervals when you've just made a perfectly valid comparison between some aspect of fascism and, say, the fact that Alan Titchmarsh is alive and getting paid as well. Anyway ...
'You've actually met yer actual Kate Bush, actually, Keith Telly Topping?' I hear you bellow quizzically like a ... you know, big quizzical bellowing thing? Why yes I have, dear blog reader. Albeit briefly. And, it occurred on, probably, the most bizarre day of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's life. But, it makes a great story to drop into casual conversation, it must be said. What happened was, essentially, this: A mate of yer actual Keith Telly Topping, young Lee (big Doctor Who fan which is how we'd become acquainted), had just started work at Abbey Road as a recording engineer or something (tape operator, essentially). So, one day - this would have been during the summer 1985 (it was before Hounds of Love came out because I remember they were finishing off the mixing of that at the time; I note the LP came out in September so this would probably have been around July 85) - Lee said 'next time you're down in London, Keith Telly Topping, come over to the studio and I'll give you the tour.' So, yer actual Keith Telly Topping did just exactly that.
He got The Clipper down to The Smoke, got tube from King's Cross up to St John's Wood, found Cavendish Avenue, walked down past what he presumed (by the massive security gates) to be McCartney's gaff, found Abbey Road, walked across the zebra crossing, walked across it again (yes, yes ... we've all done it) then went to the door and said, 'Hello, I'm Keith Telly Topping, I have an appointment.' He got signed in as 'a guest', and was ushered into studio two where he had his photo taken with his feet up on the mixing console once touched by George Martin his very self (see right). He met Geoff Emmerick who doing some mixing, then had a walk over to studio one and, eventually, went back to the room Lee was working in and listened to some the the recordings Lee had been working on recently, including a couple of songs from Hounds of Love which, as noted, was a couple of months away from release. And various other stuff (New Model Army was one, I seem to remember. Possibly some early Pet Shop Boys). Then, yer actual Keith Telly Topping found that he desperately needed the lavvy so he was pointed in the direction of the mens room, up a short flight of stairs. So, yer actual Keith Telly Topping is walking along the corridor and, of a sudden, a door to one side opens and only bleeding Paul McCartney MBE walks out and heads in Keith Telly Topping's direction, passing him with the briefest of nods. Keith Telly Topping, in something of a state of shock then finds the urinals at the end of the corridor (remember, the last time he'd encountered an ex-Beatle it had been stalking George Harrison down Oxford Street three years earlier). Yer actual Keith Telly Topping is now standing happily having a long (and much-needed) slash (there may have been ecstatic moaning at one point, yer actual Keith Telly Topping can't be certain) when he hears the door behind him open and, to his left, it's only bleeding Mister David Bowie arrived to use the next stall along for a leak. (Now, yer actual Keith Telly Topping has to inform you all at this point, dear blog reader, that Mr Bowie his very self is not a small man.) Okay, so that's all extremely bizarre. Then Lee says 'listen, Keith Telly Topping, I've got about half-an-hour's worth of stuff to do, I'll take you down the canteen for a cuppa.' 
So, Keith Telly Topping is thinking 'great, the EMI canteen. The Beatles drank in there!' We walk in and the gaff is deserted ... except for Miss Kate Bush sitting in the corner reading a book and having a coffee. 'Hello Kate,' says Lee. 'This is my mate Keith Telly Topping. He's from Newcastle.' I'm not sure exactly what reaction he thought that geographical revelation would get from Ms Bush but ... and, yer actual Keith Telly Topping swears to God this is true, her reply was: 'Wow! Hey! Wow!' Yes, yer actual Keith Telly Topping really did miss a trick by not replying to this 'un-be-leeeeee-va-bull!' But, tragically, he didn't. He merely said 'hello, I've just been listening to a couple of the songs off your new LP' (one of which, yer actual Keith Telly Topping always remembers was 'Big Sky', still a particular favourite of his). She said, 'Oh, great.' He said: 'They're very good.' And then he sat down with his tea and she drank her coffee and at one point he asked her why it'd been four years since her last record and she said it always took her a long time to write and there'd been 'a few distractions'. Then she went back to her book and he started leafing through a copy of Melody Maker that was lying on the table and fifteen minutes later she left. So, there you go, dear blog reader. Keith Telly Topping's day at Abbey Road with the Stars on 45. He went back to the gaff a couple of times after that over the next year or so to meet up with Lee (it was a useful stopping off point if we were going on to the Fitzroy that evening) but the only remotely famous person he saw on either of those occasions was Ben Watt of Everything But The Girl. Anyway ... true story, that!So, on that bombshell, here's today's Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day in memory of a very strange but never less than memorable day. Wow. Unbelievable.
