Saturday, November 17, 2012

I'm In Trouble So It's Back To The Pen

The BBC's Children In Need appeal has raised more than £26.7m on the night, beating 2011's total of £26.3m. Sir Terry Wogan hosted the BBC1 telethon on Friday with Fearne Cotton, Tess Daly and Radio 1's Nick Grimshaw. Girls Aloud and One Direction performed live, while BBC Newsreaders took part in a Top Gear challenge and Lord Sugar-Sweetie starred in an EastEnders special. The final total is expected to be higher than the twenty six million seven hundred and fifty seven thousand four hundred and forty six smackers raised on Friday night once all donations are in. Speaking at the start of the show, Terry Wogan said: 'As you know by now, we are going to be asking you to help us support disadvantaged children all over the UK. You have been amazing so many times before and we humbly hope that we can count on your help once more. We know that children are vulnerable. In the news in recent weeks there has been an awful reminder of just how true that can be. We have been supporting victims all of all kinds of abuse, including sexual abuse, for many years now. We will continue to do so.' The presenter added: 'We also support children in a wide range of circumstances, and they all have something in common - they all need your help.' David Ramsden, chief executive of BBC Children in Need said: 'Tonight's total is phenomenal. It is amazing that people across the UK have once again come together to raise such a massive sum. Thank you so much for helping to change thousands of young lives across the UK.' Last year's event raised £26.3m on the night, which rose to forty six million quid over the year. Friday night's live show featured performances from Leona Lewis and Tim Minchin, while the newly reunited Girls Aloud gave the first TV performance of their official Children In Need single, 'Something New.' Around twenty of Britain's Olympic and Paralympic stars also got in on the action in a special music video. The show also previewed the Doctor Who Christmas special, including a glimpse of the Doctor's new companion in Jenna-Louise Coleman. DIY: SOS and Bargain Hunt also recorded special Children In Need programmes, while Terry Wogan paid a fund-raising visit to Lee Mack sitcom Not Going Out. Other fund-raising events include The ONE Show's Rickshaw Challenge, Radio 2's Children In Need Jukebox and Saturday night's Strictly Live Wembley Show.

Doctor Who's Christmas special has had its title revealed by the BBC as part of Friday night's Children In Need show. It was confirmed that the Christmas episode will be called The Snowmen and Jenna-Louise Coleman's character will be called Clara. Not Avocado. Pity, I preferred Avocado. Anyway, a prequel, if you will, 'mini-sode' titled The Great Detective was also been unveiled. Set in Victorian England, the short sees The Doctor telling a detective trio looking into alien activity and that he is 'retired.' The Christmas special's official trailer was also shown, introducing Coleman's character and setting the scene for the December episode.
Michael Winterbottom's Channel Four drama Everyday, five years in the making and starring John Simm and Shirley Henderson, averaged seven hundred and forty nine thousand viewers on Thursday night. An innovative drama about a family coping while the husband is in prison, Everyday was up against Channel Five's Kevin Costner US drama Hatfields & McCoys, which was watched by 1.06 million viewers (4.3%) between 9pm and 10pm. The Big Bang Theory returned with a sizeable audience, E4's highest of the year so far according to overnight data. Thursday's season six premiere was watched by 1.89m at 8pm, before a further four hundred thousand punters watched E4+1's catch-up broadcast an hour later. The American sitcom's ratings represent E4's most-watched single broadcast since an episode of Glee in June 2011. Ah, Glee. Yeah. That was a nine-day wonder, wasn't it? The Big Bang Theory's one hundredth episode gave E4 the most successful night in its history in April this year. Elsewhere, I'm A Z-List Former Celebrity Desperate To Get My Boat-Race Back On TV ... Please Vote For Me To Stay Here As Long As Possible (I'll Even Eat Worms If You Want) rallied to 8.58m between 8.30pm and 10pm. BBC2's Great Continental Railway Journeys (2.6m) overtook BBC1's cancelled espionage drama Hunted, which concluded with a miserable 2.55m. Great Continental Railway Journeys had 2.43 million viewers on BBC2 and another one hundred and sixty nine thousand watching on BBC HD. Young Apprentice maintained a respectable audience of 3.19m for BBC1 in the 8pm hour, while 2.69m watched MasterChef: The Professionals. Meanwhile, Kirsty's Vintage Home had an audience of 1.26m on Channel Four.

Derren Brown's Apocalypse scored strong ratings for Channel Four earlier this month. The Friday night two-parter, which aired on consecutive weeks, averaged a final, consolidated 3.4 million viewers. The illusionist also boasted a fifty per cent increase on the broadcaster's usual Friday 9pm slot average. Apocalypse featured Brown attempting to convince Steve Brosnan that the world had been struck by a meteorite, and that zombies had taken over. There were accusations, strongly denied by both Brown and Channel Four, that Brosnan was an actor after it was alleged that he was attached to a professional actors' casting website. Brown's second special Fear and Faith, which explores the 'placebo effect', concludes this week.

Suranne Jones has spoken about filming the follow-up to A Touch of Cloth. The actress told the Gruniad Morning Star that the cast of the crime drama spoof have 'a big giggle every day. I've never been myself more on a job,' she said. 'Most of the stuff I've done is quite serious, so I'm usually studious. But that was a bunch of idiots getting together and having a big giggle. John Hannah is so hilarious.' Two more Touch of Cloth episodes are currently being filmed, with former Doctor Who actress Karen Gillan having filmed a role in the third story. 'Karen Gillan joins us in the third episode,' Jones confirmed. 'She fitted right into it.' A Touch of Cloth co-creator Charlie Brooker previously revealed that the second episode has the working title Cloth Undercover. 'It's different - all armed robbers and bank heists and action,' said the writer and broadcaster. 'We go undercover into this gang of bank robbers,' John Hannah confirmed. 'They're sort of Point Break-style robbers and Cloth has to go undercover. They've taken all those bank robbery clichés - the initiation into the gang, going undercover - and it's bigger in scale. It's certainly ambitious.'

ITV is to undertake its biggest on-screen rebranding overhaul in eleven years scrapping the - completely pointless - 'one' from its flagship channel, in a multimillion pound move to position the broadcaster 'at the heart of popular culture.' Of course, some of us never used the 'one' anyway. The rebranding, to be introduced in January, will lead to the introduction of a chameleon-like logo that changes colour to match different programmes. ITV is to retire the 'ITV1' channel brand it introduced in August 2001. Variations of the new branding and logo will be used by spin-off channels including ITV2, as well as production division ITV Studios, ITV Sport, ITV News and ITV Plc. Rufus Radcliffe, group director of marketing and research at ITV, said there was a need to 'simplify and rationalise' the company's branding. TV's aim is to position the brand at 'the heart of popular culture,' although this will not be used as a strapline, to amplify what the broadcaster believes is its place between its main rivals. Mainly because the majority of ITV viewers have difficulty with words with three syllables. IRadcliffe, who joined ITV from Channel Four last year, said that his old employer's positioning is 'mission with mischief,' while the BBC articulates its aim as to 'inform, educate [and] entertain.' He said that ITV was a 'big populist' brand 'slap bang in the middle. We have a lot of challenges at a brand level,' Radcliffe added. 'Viewers love our shows, but this is about cementing the relationship between shows they love and the ITV identity. The current one doesn't work hard enough for us.' He said that the current ITV branding, which launched in 2006, was always canary yellow regardless of whether the programming was serious and sombre, like the Fred West drama Appropriate Adult, or 'lighter' like The X Factor. The new ITV brand will have a 'colour picking' facility that will allow the logo to be branded with hues that 'flex with the mood' of specific programmes. ITV2 will feature a red logo as the home of 'infectious entertainment.' ITV3 will be blue and the home of 'crafted drama collections.' And ITV4 will be become 'a haven of sport and cult classics.' Reemah Sakaan, the director of network marketing, said that ITV4 would be a 'man club' and the eleven promotional idents in production for the channel would be 'scrapbook meets Haynes manual.' Whatever the hell that means. Does anyone ever wonder whether people in TV simply think too much on occasions? Radcliffe said that in a multichannel, digital TV world it is essential to make your brand stand out. 'All roads lead to this master brand, this thing called ITV,' he said. 'If we don't elevate the brand bringing these shows, you are in an exposed position.' What a right load of old effing toot. ITV has produced the entire rebrand in-house and is currently working on at least thirty different idents for the main channel. This is a major departure from the past, and a significant cost-saving, from ITV's tradition of using advertising agencies to create their advertising and promotional material. Incidentally, here's the new logo. Vile, isn't it? Much like the overwhelming majority of ITV's output in fact so, one could argue it's fitting.
The Killing's creator, Soren Sveistrup, has ruled out the possibility of a fourth series. The Danish crime drama's third and final run will premiere in the UK on BBC4 this Saturday, a cause for lots of Gruniad readers to be weeping into their chunky sweaters. 'We've had great fun and worked very hard, but we agreed from the start that it wasn't going to be a never-ending story,' Sveistrup said at a recent screening for the final episodes. 'I just think we are very proud of what we did and these stories, they speak for themselves. And I'd hate it to just be another show - just another mass-produced show - ongoing and not really reflecting anything.' Sveistrup admitted that it would be possible to produce more episodes of The Killing but voiced concerns that the show could dip in quality if allowed to continue. 'I think we could make one thousand episodes of Sarah Lund - I think we could do that, but they wouldn't be good ones,' he suggested. 'The problem with [other] television - it isn't about quality. It's about ... I don't know what it is. Maybe only entertainment.'

Yer actual Dave Lee Travis his very self has said his arrest on suspicion of 'sexual offences' is 'nothing to do with kids' and he has denied any wrongdoing. The sixty seven-year-old ex-Radio 1 DJ, spoke after he was taken off-air 'with immediate effect' by radio station Magic AM for whom he has been working. He said that he was 'sad and disappointed' by the decision. Travis was arrested and bailed as part of the police probe arising from the Jimmy Savile scandal. He is due to return to answer police bail in early January, police said. Magic AM said on Friday that it would be 'inappropriate' for Travis to broadcast until the investigation 'was resolved.' Speaking to reporters on Friday outside his home, Travis denied all the - so far, unspecified - allegations made against him, but said he would not be able to do anything to prove or disprove them. 'It's just too easy to make allegations. I'm an easy target,' he added. 'I am and always have been completely abhorred by child molestation.' A spokeswoman for Bauer Media, which owns Magic AM, said: 'Following the arrest and release on police bail of Dave Lee Travis, Bauer Media has decided to take him off air with immediate effect from his Magic AM weekend shows, which broadcast across the North of England. We understand that the allegations about which he was questioned by police pre-date his time as a freelance contributor to Magic AM. While we can make no judgement on the matters under investigation, we believe it would be inappropriate for him to broadcast until they are resolved.' In a statement on Thursday, the Met said their latest arrest, in which they did not officially name Travis, 'falls under the strand of the investigation we have termed "Others"', meaning the allegations are unrelated to the activities of Savile. But the force said that the 'vast majority' of the four hundred and fifty possible victims were alleging sexual abuse by Savile his very self. Travis - known by the nickname The Hairy Cornflake for reasons best left to the imagination - had a twenty five-year stint on Radio 1 which ended in spectacularly stroppy fashion in 1993. Travis also presented many editions of Top of the Pops in the 1970s and 1980s. The BBC postponed the transmission of an episode of Top of the Pops from 1977 hosted by Travis that was due to be shown on BBC4 on Thursday.

The Gruniad's Simon Hoggart published more claims about the late Peter Morrison, whom he describes as 'the paedophile who was also Margaret Thatcher's parliamentary private secretary.' Grahame Nicholls, who ran the Chester Trades Council when Morrison was the local MP, recently wrote describing how he'd often met Morrison. Who, Hoggart writes, 'was by the 1980s pretty well constantly drunk.' 'After the 1987 general election, around 1990,' Nicholls is quoted as writing, 'I attended a meeting of Chester Labour party where we were informed by the agent, Christine Russell, that Peter Morrison would not be standing in 1992. He had been caught in the toilets at Crewe station with a fifteen-year-old boy. A deal was struck between Labour, the local Tories, the local press and the police that if he stood down at the next election the matter would go no further. Chester finished up with Gyles Brandreth and Morrison walked away scot-free. I thought you might be interested.' This was only a year and a half after Morrison's notorious failed, boozy campaign to save Mrs Thatcher (see The Alan Clark Diaries for further, hilarious, details on this). 'Incredible,' notes Hoggart 'that she – presumably – had no idea, and that such deals could be struck then.'

The TV channel E! Entertainment has been fined forty grand by watchdog Ofcom after broadcasting episodes of a programme called Girls of the Playboy Mansion during the daytime. The reality show episodes, broadcast in the UK on 27 December 2011, included material which was 'unsuitable for pre-watershed broadcast.' Or, indeed, unsuitable for anyone with a brain in their head. As the day fell during Christmas school holidays, Ofcom ruled that it was 'likely' children could have been watching. Rules state that children 'must be protected' by 'appropriate scheduling.' Oh, won't somebody think of the children. And all that. Ofcom's findings, published on 23 April 2012, found the episodes were 'clearly unsuitable for children.' The watchdog's report said they included 'prolonged sequences of nudity,' albeit with any offending body part blurred out. It found that episodes showing the search for the fifty fifth Playmate glamour model to be 'particularly offensive,' featuring numerous scenes of the models during casting sessions and at a 'lingerie party' at Uncle Hugh's Playboy mansion. The episodes also featured 'repeated bleeped and masked offensive language throughout,' which Ofcom said demonstrated that the programmes 'contained themes of an adult nature and were aimed at an adult audience.' No shit? Ofcom added that there were 'no announcements made' to warn viewers in advance about the content, which meant it had. clearly, not been scheduled appropriately. A spokesperson for E! Entertainment Television, said the company 'regrets the breach of UK broadcasting standards.' They continued: 'We have reviewed and enhanced the compliance processes and procedures for E! programming to ensure that we uphold the highest standards expected by Ofcom and our viewers.' E! Entertainment, which also broadcasts Keeping Up with the Kardashians in the UK, had previously been in trouble with Ofcom over two other programmes which featured 'unsuitable content' and the most offensive language before the watershed. The broadcasting regulator said the channel's breach was 'serious and repeated' and therefore a financial penalty should be imposed.

Former Shameless and EastEnders actor Jody Latham has admitted a charge of producing cannabis in Lancashire. Latham was due to face trial after growing twenty four plants worth about fourteen thousand smackers at an address in Bacup, in May 2011. However, at Burnley Crown Court he changed his plea to guilty and, after being bailed, is due to be sentenced on 17 December. His accomplice Sarah Melia, of Cotman Close, Bacup, admitted allowing cannabis to be grown on a premises. Pre-sentence reports are being prepared on Latham ahead of his court appearance next month. The actor played Lip Gallagher in the Channel Four drama Shameless and also Rob Grayson in the BBC soap EastEnders.

The barrister who represented Tony Blair and Alastair Campbell during The Hutton Inquiry has been retained to advise Nick Pollard's inquiry into the BBC's handling of last year's aborted Newsnight investigation into alleged naughty old scallywag Jimmy Savile – in a sign that the increasingly legalistic review is likely to run up a bill comfortably well into the hundreds of thousands of licence fee payers coin. Or, you know, the cost of about four episodes of Doctor Who. Alan Maclean QC, whose Brick Court chambers CV boasts that he went on to advise Downing Street on 'other matters' after his work for Hutton, is acting as counsel to the inquiry, putting questions to those giving evidence while Pollard, a former editor of Sky News, presides at hearings which have been held at a central London law firm. A commercial silk such as Maclean could charge anywhere between five hundred smackers and a grand per hour ordinarily – though his work for the licence-fee funded broadcaster is, according to a particularly noxious agenda-soaked shit-stirring piece of tittle-tattle in the Gruniad Morning Star - 'likely to be conducted at public inquiry rates of more like one hundred and twenty pounds an hour' – implying a rate of about a thousand knicker for a full day. Nice work if you can get it. The Pollard inquiry has begun by taking several hours to interview initial witnesses, with Peter Rippon, the editor of Newsnight who has stepped aside from his role, being interviewed for a whole day on Wednesday. Whether he had a light shining in his face the whole time, we just don't know. That, the Gruniad speculates, 'suggests the entire exercise is likely to take in excess of a couple of weeks, adding to the costs.' Jeremy Paxman, Newsnight's best-known presenter, and Kirsty Wark, another programme veteran, have given evidence to Pollard already, as have the reporter and producer at the centre of the storm about the Savile film – Liz MacKean and Meirion Jones. One rather hopes that Paxo, a man who appears to delight in not suffering fools even remotely gladly, gave those conducting the inquiry both barrels of his traditional trademark bolshiness during his time up a'fore the beak. Staffed by lawyers from Reed Smith, the inquiry asked for large amounts of BBC internal e-mails and correspondence from key witnesses to 'help understand' whether any 'untoward pressure' was put on Rippon to abandon the Savile investigation in November and December 2011 – and to explain why a blog written by him in early October explaining why he had dropped the film had to be corrected at least three times subsequently. Rippon and other key witnesses – such as Helen Boaden, the BBC News director, and former director general George Entwistle – are all having their legal bills paid for by the BBC. 'Their individual bills are likely to run into many thousands of pounds for each individual,' crows the Gruniad, just like a school sneak grassing up someone for eating in class. Scum.
Scotland Yard has handed one file to the Crown Prosecution Service in relation to its investigations into alleged computer hacking by a journalist. The CPS has been asked to consider whether to charge a journalist and 'one other individual' in relation to allegations of perverting the course of justice and alleged offences under section one of the Computer Misuse Act, which makes it a criminal offence to have 'unauthorised access to computer material.' The file, sent to the CPS on 8 November, is the first linked to the Operation Tuleta investigation being conducted by the Metropolitan police into suspected computer hacking and other alleged criminal breaches of privacy. It is the twenty eighth file handed to the CPS in relation to the investigations launched in the wake of the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World phone-hacking scandal. Scotland Yard has arrested sixteen people in connection with Operation Tuleta, fifty four in connection with Operation Elveden, its investigation into alleged bribery of police and other public officials and twenty five linked to Operation Weeting, its investigation into phone-hacking. The CPS is still considering whether to bring charges against eight other individuals, six were arrested in connection with Elveden and two in connection with Weeting. Four are journalists. These files were handed to the CPS in August – two of the individuals are, according to the Gruniad who seem to know everything about everything, 'under suspicion of money laundering, while four journalists and two public officials have been linked to allegations of misconduct in public office.'

Meanwhile Scotland Yard officers investigating newspapers as part of Operation Tuleta are said to be assessing one hundred and forty two complaints in relation to computer hacking and illegal access to banking, medical and personal records. These details were revealed in a police statement to the Leveson inquiry. Deputy assistant commissioner Sue Akers said that seventy storage devices were being scrutinised by officers as part of the investigation into privacy breaches, including the alleged hacking of computers and stolen mobile phones. The inquiry will, according to Akers, 'finish' in January next year. Akers, who has now retired, said the Met had still not made contact with all the victims of alleged phone-hacking at the Scum of the World and said it was 'a very significant demand on our resources.' At one stage, forty police officers were involved, but now this is down to twelve working full time on the task. Scotland Yard has also revealed that Trinity Mirra has handed over documents to police as part of the Operation Elveden investigation into inappropriate payments to public officials. But, it said in a statement to the Leveson inquiry published on Friday, that it is 'proving difficult' to identify relevant material because the Daily and Sunday Mirra publisher is insisting the police go to court to get orders in relation to the handing over of any materials. Akers revealed in July that the investigation into alleged illegal payments by journalists to police and other public officials gone beyond News International to include Trinity Mirra and Richard Desmond's Express Newspapers. In a letter from Trinity Mirra's solicitors on 22 October, Akers was told that the nature of the company's co-operation with police was being 'actively considered at the very highest level within the company.' Unlike News International and Express Newspapers, Trinity Mirra has so far maintained that police need to obtain a production order from a court before it will hand over any e-mails or documents to the police. Akers said in her statement: 'It remains the case that [Mirra Group Newspaper's] preference is that all requests for the production of confidential material should be sought through a formal court order. This will be difficult to achieve without their co-operation identifying relevant material.'

Joan Rivers has, reportedly, been mistaken for an illegal immigrant by the UK Border Agency. Well, it's an easy mistake to make, isn't it? The US comedian and talk show host was filming a segment for a TV show in Kent while visiting the Countess Sondes when a group of balaclava-wearing guards approached her. Rivers was enjoying a fishing trip on Swale Estuary in Kent - which, according to tabloid reports, 'is a known spot for illegal immigrants' - while filming her reality show Joan Knows Best! Border Agency officials were, allegedly, 'alerted by a member of the public' who had spotted 'a suspicious group of people' on two fishing trawlers, reports the Daily Scum Mail. The officers 'interviewed' Rivers, her daughter Melissa and Countess Sondes before it was clear that they were not illegal immigrants. Rivers revealed: 'Even though we were innocent, I am so sorry they didn't arrest us. I love Englishmen and they were very cute.' Lady Sondes said: 'Given the Lees Court Estate's close involvement with the Swale, it was a great comfort to know that the Border Agency acted in a proactive, efficient and friendly manner.'
A - nameless, and probably entirely fictitious - spokesperson for the estate added: 'It was all very dramatic. Joan was hilarious throughout the whole time she was with us. The Border Agency did not have the same sense of humour - they understandably took the situation very seriously. They were all dressed in black and were wearing balaclavas but you could still see their face - they were very efficient, not the sort of people you would want to mess with. But they were very professional and did a fantastic job - it's great to know people like that are protecting our shores.' The UK Border Agency confirmed that 'the incident' took place on 20 October, but dismissed reports that they were alerted by a tip-off from an over-zealous member of the public. A spokesperson said: 'Our officers will investigate any potential immigration or customs offences and take swift and robust action to ensure our borders remain secure. On 20 October 2012, whilst on routine patrol, Her Majesty's Cutter Vigilant approached a fishing vessel in the Swale Estuary. Border Force officers spoke with the captain of the vessel to establish ownership and number of passengers. After a short discussion, Border Force officers were satisfied the passengers and crew did not present a risk to the border. The search of any vessel in UK territorial seas and internal waters plays an important role in protecting the border.' They added: 'Presently there is no means of establishing, with any certainty, where a vessel has come from until Border Force officers have spoken to the captain, crew and in some cases boarded the vessel. In the vast majority of instances, officers will take no more than a few minutes to satisfy themselves as to whether a vessel presents a risk to the border.'

The former rent-a-quote, full-of-her-own-importance Conservative MP for Corby, Louise Mensch, has insisted Labour's by-election victory this week 'is not going to mean anything' to the prime minister's leadership. Old Bagashite her very self said that she 'took the blame' for the Tories loss, after she decided in August to leave her seat and move to New York. Labour's Andy Sawford won the seat by over seven thousand seven hundred votes in Thursday's by-election, with the Tories in a distance second place and UKIP third. The Liberals lost their deposit. Elvis came tenth. True story. Sawford said the win was 'a damning verdict' on David Cameron's leadership. The last time Labour took a seat from the Conservatives in a by-election was at Wirral South in February 1997. Speaking to Newsnight, Mensch said that she 'absolutely' was responsible for the Conservative defeat, but added that she 'had' to resign 'to be with my family. The prime minister was very good about letting me work my schedule around my children but because my husband lived in America we were facing a possible thirteen-year separation from each other.' She said she believed the swing to Labour was a 'very respectable result' for the Conservatives, given 'the nature' of her resignation. 'We've seen over and over again even safe seats change hands against the governing party in a by-election and that's when they didn't have to contend with the sitting MP leaving for family reasons. Under those circumstances to get a twelve per cent swing is pretty run of the mill, so I don't think that it's anything we can draw wider lessons from,' she claimed. Mensch denied yet again that she had left the role because she was worried about her own lack of popularity in the polls, and insisted that she had not told her husband, Peter, that she 'would get killed at the next election' as he had suggested on Twitter. She also dismissed suggestions that she had left because her political career was not advancing quickly enough. 'Contrary to massive public rumour I never wanted to be a minister. I had small children to look after and spent two days a week in my constituency at weekly surgeries. I could never have done it in the first place and I never wanted to.' Mensch won the Northamptonshire seat at the 2010 general election with a majority of less than two thousand votes, and Labour had been widely tipped to retake the seat.

Britain made a bright start at the Track World Cup in Glasgow by winning two golds and a silver on the opening night at the Sir Chris Hoy Velodrome. Rebecca James and Jess Varnish won Britain's first gold, beating Spain in the women's team sprint final. The women's team pursuit of Laura Trott, Dani King and Elinor Barker maintained Britain's winning momentum by pipping Australia in a close final. Ed Clancy, Philip Hindes and Jason Kenny won a silver in the team sprint. Triple Olympic champion Kenny said he was happy with the performance of a sprint team which had a new member in Clancy, taking the place of Sir Chris Hoy, and only lost out to Germany. 'I think we've got a winning formula potentially,' Kenny told BBC Sport, after the new-look team's second competitive ride in the event. 'We nailed it, but just disappointed we weren't quick enough to get the gold.' James replaced the now-retired Victoria Pendleton in the women's sprint and Varnish said their victory in Glasgow was proof that the British team was able to cope with the absence of experienced riders. 'It's definitely going to be hard without the older and more mature riders, but as you've seen we're doing pretty well,' Varnish told BBC Sport after a handsome victory, achieved in 33:428 seconds. 'It's really good to be back on the podium. It's a bonus to be doing it in front of our home crowd.' A-level student Elinor Barker, making her senior World Cup debut, seamlessly stepped into a pursuit team comprising of world and Olympic champions. 'It's looking good for the future,' double Olympic gold medallist Trott told BBC Sport. 'To step into our line up, being world and Olympic champions, is going to be hard anyway, but it's as if she's been in the team for months.' The only major blot on the opening day was the sight of Britain's men crashing out of the team pursuit qualifying, with the inexperienced squad tumbling to the track on the back straight with four laps remaining.

A defendant on drug charges has worsened his chances of getting off with it by asking the judge for some marijuana. Damaine Mitchell was told by judge Melba Marsh that she would consider not handing down a prison sentence, providing the defendant was willing to give up the weed. However, the nineteen-year-old asked Marsh if it was possible to have 'one more joint.' The judge refused, and Mitchell is expected to return to court later this month for sentencing.

Which brings us to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. Resisting the temptation to go for 'Don't Bogart That Joint', instead, here's 10cc's take on the situation.

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