Ricky Martin's victory in The Apprentice final delivered a peak audience of almost seven million on Sunday evening, while the BBC's coverage of the Diamond Jubilee topped ten million sad crushed victims of society, according to the latest official data. The business reality show averaged 5.98m on BBC1 in the two hours from 8.45pm, peaking at 6.89m as Lord Sugar-Sweetie chose his next business partner. Earlier in the day, the BBC benefited from the dismal weather in London to attract an average audience of 10.33m viewers to its coverage of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations, between 1.30pm and 6.15pm. 
Gary Barlow: On Her Majesty's Secret Service, about the odious, risible Take That singer's creation of a song for the Jubilee, was seen by 6.35m on BBC1 from 7.45pm. Words fail me. Over on ITV, All the Queen's Horses: A Diamond Jubilee Special was watched by 3.68m crushed victims of society from 6.30pm, but lost out to Countryfile's 6.38m on BBC1. A Sunday night episode of Coronation Street was watched by a surprisingly low audience for 5.91m from 8.30pm. Afterwards, Vera had 4.56m. Singapore 1942: End of Empire was seen by seven hundred and twenty thousand on BBC2 in the 7pm hour, and then Indian Ocean with Simon Reeve grabbed 1.63m from 8pm and one hundred and sixty thousand on BBC HD. Coast pulled in 1.69m in the 9pm slot. BBC Four's The Two Thousand Year Old Computer educated five hundred and fifty eight thousand punters from 8pm.
Illness, sadly, forced Prince Philip to miss Monday night's dreadful Diamond Jubilee concert. Now, why didn't I think of that?
This weekend saw the biggest collection of living Doctors for many a year as the Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh and Eighth all gathered at Collectormania Eighteen in Milton Keynes.
Bad shoes, Colin!
Alan Davies had denied last week's report that a new Jonathan Creek special had been commissioned for Christmas. An alleged 'BBC insider' allegedly told the British Comedy Guide website that a return for the detective show has 'already been commissioned' and that it will play a part in the Beeb's festive line-up.
But, writing on Twitter Davies appeared to suggest that the alleged BBC 'source' in question was either lying or, in fact, didn't exist in the first place: 'There won't be a new Jonathan Creek for Christmas and we are not filming in September. If we do start making a new one I will let you know,' he said.
Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads has allegedly said that he will allegedly 'never work' with Jessie J again. Allegedly. The X Factor boss is allegedly reported to have allegedly stated that he allegedly 'can't stand' the alleged singer after allegedly seeing her as a coach on The Voice and hearing her making negative comments about his own shows. Jessie J appeared as a guest judge on The X Factor last year, but has since described the show as 'gimmicky.'
Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads 'used to really rate Jessie, both as an artist and as a person. Now he can't stand her,' an alleged source allegedly told the Mirra. 'He thinks her exploits during The Voice have killed off all credibility she had, not least when she slagged him off in interviews. Similarly, producers were allegedly livid about the comments she made about The X Factor, when she claimed the programme was gimmicky. She had performed on the show so everyone is fuming. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads will never work with Jessie again. And the show's execs feel she has made her BBC bed and must now lie in it. She wanted to plug her new single on this year's X Factor but Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads has said "no."'
John Barnes and David Pleat have both supported Roy Hodgson's decision not to call up Rio Ferdinand to England's Euro 2012 squad. Ferdinand's 'representative', Jamie Moralee, whoever the hell he is, reportedly accused the England manager of showing Ferdinand 'a lack of respect.' But Pleat has described Moralee as 'out of order' for his comments. 'Everyone's international career comes to an end, it's not a question of being disrespectful in leaving someone out,' added Barnes. 'I had seventy nine caps and I was left out because my time was over. You have to back the manager.' Ferdinand, who has eighty one caps for England, was left out of the original squad before being overlooked again when
Gary Cahill was ruled out of the tournament through injury on Sunday. Liverpool defender Martin Kelly was preferred to the thirty three-year-old who last played for his country in June 2011. Pleat, who managed both Tottenham and Sheffield Wednesday, badly, is also backing the new England boss. 'I think the agent of Ferdinand is really out of order,' Pleat told BBC 5Live. 'I think agents of other players could equally make a case from time to time. Micah Richards evidently has had a very good season and he's been shunned, so to speak. Nobody has a divine right to play in the side, I think some of the headlines are very dramatic. Yes Ferdinand is thirty three, he's played around thirty games or so this season, and he has done well since January, but Hodgson's] got a natural attacker of the ball in John Terry. I think it's for footballing reasons and Roy has got four players now who can cover at centre-back. I think a right footer and a left footer in Terry and Lescott is a decent combination.'
Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws striker and malcontent Craig Bellamy says he has been included in the Team GB squad for the Olympics. Coach Stuart Pearce is allowed to name three players over the age of twenty three in his eighteen-man squad - and Wales international Bellamy, thirty two, has been widely quoted as claiming that he has been included.
'I am in the Olympic squad but I was supposed to keep it quiet,' he said. Yeah, that might've been an idea. 'It's a different challenge. I had a difficult season with Liverpool but the Olympics is a one-off.' Pearce is expected to name his squad for the games later in June. Former England captain David Beckham has made no secret of his desire to be included and The Scum will allow former Wales skipper Ryan Giggs to feature. Miss Josephine Cole, Scotland striker Steven Fletcher and Northern Ireland midfielder Chris Brunt have also been touted as potential over-age players. Team GB's first fixture is against Senegal at Old Trafford on 29 July.
And, speaking of hugely annoying mouthy tanner-ball players, Joey Barton has been punched in the face outside a nightclub in Liverpool. Police have seemingly narrowed down a list of suspects. To everyone. Merseyside Police said that officers were called to Eberle Street at about 5:30am following reports of a disturbance outside the Garlands club.
They confirmed that a twenty nine-year-old man who had been injured left the scene voluntarily. Two twenty one-year-olds from the Old Swan area of the city are being held on suspicion of a public order offence and are currently in police custody. Barton later tweeted: 'I got sucker punched in the back of the head. Not injured as reported just a small bruise on rear of head/ear. I've had worse. Life goes on! Thanks for the concern.' Later he added: 'Not planning on pressing charges as it's not that serious. The police have also got better things to do with their time. Can I just say a public thanks to the police last night as they were and have been today brilliant.' A picture of the incident, apparently showing a shirtless Barton being held back by police and a woman, appeared on the site earlier.
In a statement, QPR spokesman Ian Taylor said: 'Barton was on his way home from a night out with his girlfriend when two men sang offensive chants and then proceeded to hit the QPR midfielder.' Barton was banned for twelve matches after being sent off in Queens Park Strangers' defeat at Sheikh Yer Man City on the final day of the season. The Football Association found him guilty of two counts of violent conduct. And, 'being a nutter.'
And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. What we need on a Bank Holiday Tuesday, dear blog reader, is a bit of Roddy and a bit of Mick. Tasty.
Gary Barlow: On Her Majesty's Secret Service, about the odious, risible Take That singer's creation of a song for the Jubilee, was seen by 6.35m on BBC1 from 7.45pm. Words fail me. Over on ITV, All the Queen's Horses: A Diamond Jubilee Special was watched by 3.68m crushed victims of society from 6.30pm, but lost out to Countryfile's 6.38m on BBC1. A Sunday night episode of Coronation Street was watched by a surprisingly low audience for 5.91m from 8.30pm. Afterwards, Vera had 4.56m. Singapore 1942: End of Empire was seen by seven hundred and twenty thousand on BBC2 in the 7pm hour, and then Indian Ocean with Simon Reeve grabbed 1.63m from 8pm and one hundred and sixty thousand on BBC HD. Coast pulled in 1.69m in the 9pm slot. BBC Four's The Two Thousand Year Old Computer educated five hundred and fifty eight thousand punters from 8pm. Illness, sadly, forced Prince Philip to miss Monday night's dreadful Diamond Jubilee concert. Now, why didn't I think of that?
This weekend saw the biggest collection of living Doctors for many a year as the Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh and Eighth all gathered at Collectormania Eighteen in Milton Keynes.
Alan Davies had denied last week's report that a new Jonathan Creek special had been commissioned for Christmas. An alleged 'BBC insider' allegedly told the British Comedy Guide website that a return for the detective show has 'already been commissioned' and that it will play a part in the Beeb's festive line-up.
But, writing on Twitter Davies appeared to suggest that the alleged BBC 'source' in question was either lying or, in fact, didn't exist in the first place: 'There won't be a new Jonathan Creek for Christmas and we are not filming in September. If we do start making a new one I will let you know,' he said. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads has allegedly said that he will allegedly 'never work' with Jessie J again. Allegedly. The X Factor boss is allegedly reported to have allegedly stated that he allegedly 'can't stand' the alleged singer after allegedly seeing her as a coach on The Voice and hearing her making negative comments about his own shows. Jessie J appeared as a guest judge on The X Factor last year, but has since described the show as 'gimmicky.'
Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads 'used to really rate Jessie, both as an artist and as a person. Now he can't stand her,' an alleged source allegedly told the Mirra. 'He thinks her exploits during The Voice have killed off all credibility she had, not least when she slagged him off in interviews. Similarly, producers were allegedly livid about the comments she made about The X Factor, when she claimed the programme was gimmicky. She had performed on the show so everyone is fuming. Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads will never work with Jessie again. And the show's execs feel she has made her BBC bed and must now lie in it. She wanted to plug her new single on this year's X Factor but Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef off Crossroads has said "no."'John Barnes and David Pleat have both supported Roy Hodgson's decision not to call up Rio Ferdinand to England's Euro 2012 squad. Ferdinand's 'representative', Jamie Moralee, whoever the hell he is, reportedly accused the England manager of showing Ferdinand 'a lack of respect.' But Pleat has described Moralee as 'out of order' for his comments. 'Everyone's international career comes to an end, it's not a question of being disrespectful in leaving someone out,' added Barnes. 'I had seventy nine caps and I was left out because my time was over. You have to back the manager.' Ferdinand, who has eighty one caps for England, was left out of the original squad before being overlooked again when
Gary Cahill was ruled out of the tournament through injury on Sunday. Liverpool defender Martin Kelly was preferred to the thirty three-year-old who last played for his country in June 2011. Pleat, who managed both Tottenham and Sheffield Wednesday, badly, is also backing the new England boss. 'I think the agent of Ferdinand is really out of order,' Pleat told BBC 5Live. 'I think agents of other players could equally make a case from time to time. Micah Richards evidently has had a very good season and he's been shunned, so to speak. Nobody has a divine right to play in the side, I think some of the headlines are very dramatic. Yes Ferdinand is thirty three, he's played around thirty games or so this season, and he has done well since January, but Hodgson's] got a natural attacker of the ball in John Terry. I think it's for footballing reasons and Roy has got four players now who can cover at centre-back. I think a right footer and a left footer in Terry and Lescott is a decent combination.'Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws striker and malcontent Craig Bellamy says he has been included in the Team GB squad for the Olympics. Coach Stuart Pearce is allowed to name three players over the age of twenty three in his eighteen-man squad - and Wales international Bellamy, thirty two, has been widely quoted as claiming that he has been included.
'I am in the Olympic squad but I was supposed to keep it quiet,' he said. Yeah, that might've been an idea. 'It's a different challenge. I had a difficult season with Liverpool but the Olympics is a one-off.' Pearce is expected to name his squad for the games later in June. Former England captain David Beckham has made no secret of his desire to be included and The Scum will allow former Wales skipper Ryan Giggs to feature. Miss Josephine Cole, Scotland striker Steven Fletcher and Northern Ireland midfielder Chris Brunt have also been touted as potential over-age players. Team GB's first fixture is against Senegal at Old Trafford on 29 July.And, speaking of hugely annoying mouthy tanner-ball players, Joey Barton has been punched in the face outside a nightclub in Liverpool. Police have seemingly narrowed down a list of suspects. To everyone. Merseyside Police said that officers were called to Eberle Street at about 5:30am following reports of a disturbance outside the Garlands club.
They confirmed that a twenty nine-year-old man who had been injured left the scene voluntarily. Two twenty one-year-olds from the Old Swan area of the city are being held on suspicion of a public order offence and are currently in police custody. Barton later tweeted: 'I got sucker punched in the back of the head. Not injured as reported just a small bruise on rear of head/ear. I've had worse. Life goes on! Thanks for the concern.' Later he added: 'Not planning on pressing charges as it's not that serious. The police have also got better things to do with their time. Can I just say a public thanks to the police last night as they were and have been today brilliant.' A picture of the incident, apparently showing a shirtless Barton being held back by police and a woman, appeared on the site earlier.
In a statement, QPR spokesman Ian Taylor said: 'Barton was on his way home from a night out with his girlfriend when two men sang offensive chants and then proceeded to hit the QPR midfielder.' Barton was banned for twelve matches after being sent off in Queens Park Strangers' defeat at Sheikh Yer Man City on the final day of the season. The Football Association found him guilty of two counts of violent conduct. And, 'being a nutter.'And so to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. What we need on a Bank Holiday Tuesday, dear blog reader, is a bit of Roddy and a bit of Mick. Tasty.
