Monday, June 14, 2010

Need A Lift To The Airport?

Wretched, oily waste-of-space thing Piers Morgan is on the verge of quitting Britain's Got Talent in order to replace Larry King on CNN according to a press report. The Daily Telegraph suggested that the former - disgraced - newspaper editor, who has been a judge on the ITV talent show for four years since he was fired by the Daily Mirror for publishing faked photographs, has been offered a deal to anchor the US network's nightly chatshow. 'CNN bosses have been desperately searching for somebody to revamp the show,' said un unattributed source. 'Larry's ratings are massively down year on year – and Piers is just the chap,' the source allegedly said. If, indeed, the 'source' exists. If I'm going to be suspicious of the Daily Scum Mail and the Daily Star using unattributed sources, the Telegraph should be held to the same standard. 'Piers is utterly thrilled by the prospect of the deal and knows that taking over the Larry King show means that something will have to give. America's Got Talent finishes in mid-September, so it seems Larry will be moved to a weekend show then and be ousted from his nightly prime-time slot,' the 'insider' added. Or not. 'Piers has discussed it all with Simon Cowell, who gave him his big break, and has his blessing.' And, truly, there was rejoicing throughout the land, if this story is true. I presume Robert Green's howler on Saturday night was free-and-gratis for the Americans taking Morgan off our hands?

ITV has apologised to its HD channel viewers after 'a transmission problem' caused them to miss England's first World Cup goal. HD viewers did not see Steven Gerrard's early strike against the USA and some reported seeing an advert. ITV said coverage had encountered 'an interruption' (no shit?!) and presenter Adrian Chiles grovellingly apologised on-air at half-time. Last year, ITV viewers missed the winning goal in a Liverpool-Everton FA Cup tie when coverage cut to an advert. One viewer writing in the forum said: 'I'm watching the game on Freesat HD and ITV cut to adverts just before England scored the first goal.' Another added: 'That was a disgrace, oh-ay, la, well dey do doh, don't dey doh?' Those watching ITV1 - like yer Keith Telly Topping his very self - were unaffected by the error. Hah! An ITV spokeswoman said: 'A transmission problem temporarily affected ITV's HD service during the England/USA match. ITV standard definition service continued uninterrupted. We apologise for the interruption in transmission.' Last year's FA Cup glitch led to over one thousand complaints. ITV boss Michael Grade described it as 'inexcusable' and the person responsible, allegedly, had their knackers surgically removed, slowly. At least, that was the rumour going round Merseyside.

The Daily Scum Mail were reporting on Saturday that an audience of 'twenty three million' was 'expected' to watch England's opening game. Where, exactly, they got that figure from is, at this time unknown. Out of their own arsehole most likely, as with most of their content. In the event, the game was watched by 13.2m (twelve million on ITV and 1.2m on ITV HD) across the three hours, peaking at seventeen million around 9pm.

Jonathan Ross has been confirmed as the host of this year's British Comedy Awards. Channel 4 recently acquired the rights to the awards and has promised to revert to a live broadcast of the ceremony after the watershed. Ross said that he is 'delighted' to land the hosting job and added: 'The British Comedy Awards is, in my opinion, the most exciting, entertaining and challenging award show on British TV.' Meanwhile, Channel 4's head of comedy Shane Allen said: 'The British Comedy Awards is a national institution, and Jonathan Ross is an enormous part of what makes it such a consistently must-watch event. We're thrilled that he will host our reinvigorated coverage.' Ross, who has hosted the awards several times in the past, missed the 2008 ceremony following the Sachsgate scandal but returned last year.

Big Brother contestent Josie's grandmother is reportedly on the run after being found guilty of cocaine possession and intent to supply, according to a rather shit-stirring little piece of nothing in the Sun. Diane Gibson was found with two hundred and forty thousand pounds worth of cocaine in the boot of her car in 2000, but she skipped bail before sentencing. It is believed that the seventy two-year-old may have fled to Spain.

Mock The Week guest panellist Milton Jones has admitted that he finds it hard to interrupt other comics on the programme. Since Frankie Boyle's departure last year, Jones has sat alongside regular Hugh Dennis and another guest. He told the Press Association: 'As a guest, it feels really awkward to interrupt, because it just seems a bit rude really.' He went on: 'Also, when you first go on, you don't know your way around and when you have to stand up and sit down. They do say, "Don't worry, you're there to do your own stand-uppy bits and don't feel you need to talk across people." But the trouble is, the longer you leave it when you don't speak, the more tension you create when you do speak, because it better be really funny this time!' Jones added: 'You feel a pressure to say your piece and yet you've got to try and look like you're enjoying it at the same time, so it's the ultimate acting skill. There are people who refuse to do it.'

Lily Allen says that she hopes to 'vanish from the limelight' now that she has retired from making music. And I, for one, hope that she gets her wish. Although it must be said, doing interviews, like she's done here with Closer magazine, banging on about how much she wants to 'vanish from the limelight' is, sort of, keeping her in the limelight. Somewhat. A tip for you, Lily, love. Just shut the hell up and then people will forget about you sooner than you'd ever believe possible. Lily's next single, 'Why isn't everybody talking about me, me, me, me, me, me?', will be released in 2012.

Katie Price is reportedly planning to sing at her upcoming wedding to Alex Reid. Hasn't the poor chap suffered enough already?


Anonymous said...

Not that I am a fan of Piers Morgan or anything (and I have no time for his celeb interviews, getting Gordon Brown to weep for votes or for Britain's Got talent)....

But wasn't the thing he was sacked for actually eventually proved to be accurate with the abuse of Iraqi's?

Keith Telly Topping said...

No, he was sacked after authorising the Daily Mirror's publication of photographs allegedly showing Iraqi prisoners being abused by British Army soldiers from the Queen's Lancashire Regiment. Within two days the photographs were shown to have been crude fakes, actually taken in, I think, Warrington.

If they'd been photos of real abuse, they would have been entirely valid journalistically. But, they weren't. Morggan, as editor, had a responsiblity to check their veracity. He failed to do so.