The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men

The Doctor Who website has premiered part one of new online mini-adventure Pond Life. Time Lord Matt Smith is seen 'laying down some backing vocals' for Dizzee Rascal, fire-surfing to escape the Sontarans and staring at the naughty bits of an 'interesting woman' whilst toasting some crumpet. Fnaar, fnaar. Chris Chibnall's Pond Life provides a broadly comic glimpse of The Doctor's uninvited intrusions into the ordinary lives of companions Amy and Rory (yer actual Karen Gillan and Arthur Darvill his very self). The five-part Internet spin-off will be uploaded daily from August 27 until Friday as a prelude to the start of the new series on Saturday. It's also nice to see that the Pond's have the same phone as yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self in their spacious yet 'umble abode.

And, here's part two.

Matt Smith has claimed that the show's fiftieth anniversary is 'unlikely' to feature a regeneration. In an interview with the Radio Times, the twenty nine-year-old actor appeared to dismiss rumours that he will leave the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama in November 2013. 'We want to make [the anniversary] as big and bold and as brilliant as we can because, we hope, it can be one of the monumental bits of TV history,' said Smith. 'But I doubt there'll be a regeneration.' He added: 'Steven will tease you all right to the end. Because that's what he does to me.' The very Moffat recently told the Digital Spy website that the anniversary celebrations would be 'huge', but added that fans will have plenty to look forward to before 2013. 'We've got an awful lot of stuff to announce before that,' he said. 'We don't aim to have one event, over a year in the future - we want to make Doctor Who an event every single week. And we're going to pull that off, so patience!'

The BBC have released a new set of images to promote the forthcoming Asylum of the Daleks, together with a synopsis of the plot. If you're spoiler avoiding then in might be an idea to look away now: 'Kidnapped by his oldest foe, the Doctor is forced on an impossible mission - to a place even the Daleks are too terrified to enter. The Asylum. A planetary prison confining the most terrifying and insane of their kind, the Doctor and the Ponds must find an escape route. But with Amy and Rory’s relationship in meltdown, and an army of mad Daleks closing in, it is up to the Doctor to save their lives, as well as the Pond’s marriage.' Smudger, meanwhile, appeared on Radio 1's Greg James Show on Bank Holiday Monday afternoon to promote the return of the series, during which he discussed being in New York at the weekend for the premiere for BBC America, his favourite moments on the series, and what he thinks about the potential for a female Doctor. The programme is available to listen to on the BBC iPlayer (approximately forty two minutes in) for the next seven days. Meanwhile, the Radio Times has provisionally listed Dinosaurs on a Spaceship to be broadcast at the even later time of 7:35pm on 8 September, making it the second latest time of broadcast for a Doctor Who episode since 2005 (only Gridlock was broadcast later at 7:40pm, and that was only because the FA Cup semi-final overran). BBC Programme Information has yet to confirm the time, which will be finalised later in the week. The BBC synopsis for Dinosaurs on a Spaceship reads: 'An unmanned spaceship hurtles towards certain destruction - unless the Doctor can save it, and its impossible cargo. Of dinosaurs! By his side a ragtag gang of adventurers, a big game hunter, an Egyptian Queen and a surprised member of the Pond family. But little does the Doctor know there is someone else on board who will stop at nothing to keep hold of his precious, prehistoric cargo.'

Yeah. It needs a 'KKLAK', really, doesn't it?

That's more like it.

It may have been described as 'bland' by one of its more mouthy actors - the one that sings the bloody theme tune, at that! - but there was nothing middle of the road about the audience for the return of BBC1's New Tricks, watched by nearly eight million punters on Monday night. The ninth series of the crime drama starring Amanda Redman, Dennis Waterman, Alun Armstrong and, for the final time, James Bolam, began with 7.8 million viewers, a 31.6 per cent share of the available audience, between 9pm and 10pm on Monday evening. New Tricks was up against a bank holiday Monday line-up including ITV documentary Harry's Mountain Heroes, about the attempt of five soldiers wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan to climb Mount Everest, which had 2.3 million viewers between 9pm and 10.30pm. Contrasting offerings on BBC2 and Channel Four reaped similar rewards. BBC2's Horizon episode How Big is the Universe? had 1.5 million viewers between 9pm and 10pm, including one hundred and nine thousand on BBC HD. Channel Four's stand-up film Alan Carr Live: Spexy Beast, also had one and a half million viewers. New BBC1 sitcom Citizen Khan starring Adil Ray began with a pretty decent overnight figure of 3.6 million between 10.20pm and 10.50pm. Channel Four's The Boyle Variety Performance, featuring Mad Frankie Boyle his very self, had one million viewers between 10pm and 11.10pm. BBC4's Victoria Coren quiz Only Connect returned for a sixth series with nine hundred and five thousand viewers between 8.30pm and 9pm. BBC3's Our War documentary series, about young British soldiers in Afghanistan, had seven hundred and twenty eight thousand viewers between 9pm and 10pm. Overall, BBC1 topped primetime with 24.5 per cent of the audience share, beating ITV's lacklustre 18.5 per cent.

Still with overnight ratings, on Sunday evening, Inspector George Gently anchored BBC1's line-up, as the detective drama returned for a fifth run with a rather groovetastic Northern Soul-based episode attracting an overnight audience of 6.14m from 8.30pm, sending ITV's critically-acclaimed 9pm drama The Last Weekend crashing to 1.98m for its second episode. A further one hundred and ninety six thousand punters caught the Rupert Penry-Jones drama on ITV+1. Game shows fared better on ITV, with Bradley Walsh's The Chase pulling in 3.15m at 7pm and Who Wants to be a Millionaire? taking 3.14m at 8pm. Comedian Peter Kay - supposedly very popular although his blogger has never met anyone that finds him in the slightest bit funny - again to prove a draw for viewers on Channel Four, as a reshowing of his 2003 gig at Manchester Arena was watched by 2.24m in the 9pm hour, and an impressive five hundred and fifty thousand on C4+1. Disappointingly for Channel Four, however, Kay's popularity did not have the desired knock-on effect on Bad Sugar, a new sitcom pilot from the makers of Peep Show. Starring Olivia Coleman, the half-an-hour episode had an audience of seven hundred and ten thousand viewers, ending the broadcaster's Funny Fortnight season with something of a whimper. Exploring China: A Culinary Adventure (1.18m) and Toughest Place to be a Ferryman (1.34m) were broadcast between 8pm and 10pm on BBC2 and BBC HD. Overall, BBC1 topped primetime with 25.4 per cent of the audience share, over ITV's risibly bad twelve per cent. Charlie Brooker's spoof crime drama A Touch of Cloth premiered on Sky1 with decent ratings. Starring John Hannah and Suranne Jones, the two-part Airplane!-style comedy grabbed five hundred and seventeen thousand viewers between 9pm and 10.30pm. Sky Sports 1's Super Sunday Premier League clash between Liverpool Alabama Yee-Haws and Sheikh Yer Man City topped the digital ratings table, scoring 1.33m for full coverage from 3.30pm.

Charlie Brooker has confirmed that his BBC4 Wipe strand of programming will continue. Speaking at the Edinburgh TV Festival, Brooker suggested to the Gruniad Morning Star that the franchise will continue with broader specials like 2011 Wipe. 'The Wipe franchise is going to return in a slightly new form - beyond news, beyond screen, beyond games,' he announced. 'I think it'll be a kind of omni-wipe,' Brooker said. 'It's like an Emperor Dalek, it combines all the best and all the worst of all the different Wipes we've done, hopefully all in one.' Screenwipe aired for five series, after which two runs of Newswipe and a one-off Gameswipe were made. Brooker hasn't committed to a full series since 2010.

ITV Yorkshire has admitted than an 'unintended mistake' resulted in a highly offensive racist word being used in a segment on the Calendar News programme earlier in the year. On 22 May, the breakfast programme ended with a montage of clips illustrating the exceptionally sunny weather at the time, accompanied by a recording of the 1930s Noel Gay and Ralph Butler song 'The Sun Has Got His Hat On'. However, a viewer alerted Ofcom that the version of the song used contained offensive racial language. To wit: 'He's been tanning niggers out in Timbuktu/now he's coming back to do the same to you.' Ouch. Not cool. After being contacted by Ofcom, ITV said that the Calendar News programme editor had been 'completely unaware' that the original 1932 version of the song contained such an offensive term when they picked it for the montage. Due to this 'mistaken assumption,' the whole song was not reviewed before being played on the programme. ITV said that the language was 'very recognisably of an earlier age,' but accepted that the use of the term 'nigger' was 'clearly inappropriate.' Calendar News had, in fact, noticed the error shortly after it happened and ensured it was not repeated on the ITV+1 timeshift broadcast. ITV also ran an apology on its regional news bulletin later in the day, stating: 'Calendar would like to apologise for a piece of music we transmitted at the end of tonight's six o'clock programme, which contained offensive language. It was transmitted in error.' ITV said that senior management in the newsroom has been warned to ensure a similar incident does not happen again, and the situation will be referred to in future newsroom compliance training. So, probably best not to do a feature on Yorkshire police, for instance, and use something by the US rap collective NWA. Ofcom noted that the term used was considered by audiences to be amongst the most offensive language, and it was aired in the morning when anyone could have been watching. However, the regulator also accepted that ITV had taken sufficient action to atone for its mistake - in that the human who erred had been given a good talking to - and so considered the matter to be resolved.

A Tory MP has urged Prime Minister David Cameron to decide whether he is 'a man or a mouse' over the issue of a third runway at Heathrow Airport. The prime minister promptly asked for a piece of cheese. 'nuff said.

Sir Roger Moore has said he believes Daniel Craig is the best actor to have played James Bond. The eighty four-year-old, who played the character in seven films between 1973 and 1985 (four of them good ones), praised Craig's performances in his new book, Bond on Bond. 'I loved Casino Royale and Daniel Craig. He is a wonderful actor, certainly the best actor to play Bond,' yer actual Roge his very self said. He added that he believed the forty four-year-old had 'the best build of any Bond.' Recalling his own years as 007, the veteran actor said: 'Back then I could leap out of a chair without fear of my knees cracking. [I] could chew a toffee without fear of losing a tooth; could admire my flowing locks and my bronzed, slim torso. With a twitch of the old eyebrow I set pulses racing across the world, they say. These days it's my pacemaker that keeps my pulse racing.' Craig's third Bond film, Skyfall, is due for release in the UK on 26 October. A new trailer for the movie was unveiled last month, showing Bond being 'killed' in action and his boss M typing up his obituary.

ITV has ordered a new drama based on novel The Ice Cream Girls. Dorothy Koomson's 2010 work will be adapted by Case Sensitive writer Kate Brooke. Jodhi May and Lorraine Burroughs will play the lead roles in ITV's version, which enters production in Dublin at the end of August. The Ice Cream Girls tells the story of two women who were accused of murdering their schoolteacher as teenagers. Seventeen years later, both Serena Gorringe and Poppy Carlisle must confront their dark, shared history. Set in a seaside town, the three-part thriller will also star Martin Compston and Dona Croll. Lucy Dyke of producer Left Bank Pictures said: 'We are very excited to be in production on Kate Brooke's captivating scripts, based on Dorothy Koomson's bestselling novel. We have a stellar cast in place, led by two strong women, and look forward to bringing this powerful emotional thriller to the screen for ITV.'

Joanna Page has again ruled out a return for Gavin & Stacey. Which is, frankly, the best bit of news since Ruth Jones said more or less the same thing two days ago. Hurrah! Yer actual Keith Telly Topping likes this news. Now, if only we can get people to stop asking the former cast questions about it, hopefully, in a few year we might all be able to forget the whole sorry fiasco happened in the first place. I mean, it's worked for Don't Scare The Hare hasn't it?

The Sunday Times is exploring whether it can review the terms of its costly 2006 libel settlement with Lance Armstrong after the cyclist dropped his challenge to anti-doping charges being brought against him in the US. Armstrong sued the publisher of The Sunday Times and two of its journalists in 2004 over an investigation which questioned his repeated denials that he had taken performance-enhancing drugs. The seven-time Tour De France winner reached an out of court settlement with Times Newspapers Limited in July 2006 over the article, which previewed a book on Armstrong titled LA Confidential by the then Sunday Times chief sports writer, David Walsh. A spokeswoman for News International, the parent company of Times Newspapers, confirmed on Tuesday that it was now 'exploring' whether it could review the terms of the settlement. Details of the terms – including whether there was a payout for damages – have never been made public. The legal move comes after Armstrong revealed on Friday that he would not fight doping charges brought by the US Anti-Doping Agency. The USADA announced that it had stripped Armstrong of each of his competitive titles from August 1998, including his seven Tour De France wins. Despite giving up the fight against the charges, Armstrong has maintained his innocence and on Saturday complained about what he described as a witch-hunt. 'Nobody needs to cry for me. I'm going to be great,' Armstrong said after competing in a thirty six-mile mountain bike race in Aspen, Colorado, at the weekend. 'I have five great kids and a wonderful lady in my life. My foundation is unaffected by all the noise out there. I think people understand that we've got a lot of stuff to do going forward. That's what I'm focused on and I think people are supportive of that. It's great to be out here.'

Ofcom has revoked the licence of Praise TV, the religious channel linked to controversial self-proclaimed bishop Gilbert Deya. Praise TV is broadcast under a licence issued to Destiny Broadcasting Network Europe by the media regulator. The channel features pastor Gilbert Deya, a self-styled evangelical bishop from Peckham who claimed to deliver 'miracle babies' to infertile women and has faced accusations of child abduction. After battling against extradition back to his home country of Kenya for several years, Deya lost his legal battle in September 2011. Praise TV has in the past broadcast controversial content, such as promising to cure viewers with serious illnesses by prayer if they offer a donation, however Ofcom has not previously sanctioned the channel. The TV regulator launched an investigation into the channel after becoming concerned that the licensee was not in fact 'the person with general control over which programmes are comprised in the service.' During the course of its investigation, statements made by Destiny Broadcasting 'failed to satisfy' Ofcom that it was the one making decisions about which programmes and content would be shown on Praise TV. The regulator also said that Destiny Broadcasting provided information that was 'false in a material particular or withheld any material information with the intention of causing Ofcom to be misled.' As a result, Ofcom has revoked Destiny Broadcasting's licence to broadcast, as of 15 August.

Tuesday's exciting and fun-packed schedule for yer actual Keith Telly Topping started with a visit to the chemist to pick up Mama Telly Topping's drugs. This was followed by a trip to Morrisons for bread, yorkshire pudding mix, eggs, pepper, olive oil, mushrooms and the Radio Times. Thence, a pop into the bank to see how much money yer actual Keith Telly Topping hasn't got. Thereafter it was across town to Specsavers to pick up Keith Telly Topping's first ever pair of varifocals (which feel a bit weird at the moment to be honest though, yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self is sure he'll get used to them. Eventually). From there it was over to HMV with two ten pound tokens that Keith Telly Topping has had since Christmas (he picked up Contagion, Inglourious Basterds, Moon and Senna for, effectively, nowt. Which he thought, frankly, was a bit of a bargain). For lunch he had his first meal in a Chinese restaurant for what seems like forever (but was, actually, about two months). Then, like the dutiful son he is, he visited yer actual Mama Telly Topping her very self in the hospital (she was looking a bit brighter than on Sunday and, thankfully, the tube's been taken out of her nose). Keith Telly Topping then walked back into town in the beautiful sunshine through Leazes Park - past the boating lake - feeling somewhat a peace with nature, got the bus home and is now telling you all of this. Next, he plans to have a long cold drink of a tasty beverage of his choice, and go to bed for a couple of hours to watch Monday night's two episodes of A Touch of Cloth (which was very well reviewed so he's hopeful he might get a few laughs from them. He could do with some, dear blog reader!)

Which brings us to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 33 of the Day. Oh, if only wishing made it so ...

And Everything Depends Upon How Near You Stand To Me

Yer actual Matt Smith and Karen Gillan arrived in New York, New York - so good they named it twice - over the weekend to attend a special screening of the opening episode of the new series of Doctor Who hosted by BBC America. The pair were joined by executive producer Caroline Skinner at the Ziegfeld Theater where episode one of season seven was presented to a very enthusiastic audience. Arriving in a vintage DeLorean, Smith and Gillan were greeted by photographers and signed autographs for the waiting fans.

Inspector George Gently's Northern Soul-based episode on Sunday evening was really rather good, featuring a cunningly constructed David Kane script touching on aspects of race politics and casual racism within both the society itself and the police, Enoch Powell's notorious 'Rivers of Blood' speech, with a superb soundtrack and mostly very acted (we'll ignore Lenora Crichlow's almost-but-not-quite Geordie accent for the moment). There were two major anachronistic drawbacks, however. Firstly, the references of Frank Wilson's 'Do I Love You (Indeed I Do)' by Bacchus and Carol. Although recorded in 1965 and scheduled for release (on the Motown subsidiary Soul label) early the following year, the record was - famously - withdrawn and, until the mid-to-late 1970s, its existence wasn't even known about, let alone it being anyone's 'favourite record' in 1968. Ten out of ten for the quality of the choice, mind. Secondly, Marvin Gaye's 'Lets Get It On' wasn't even recorded until 1973! Oh, and Breville didn't invent the Snack 'N' Sandwich Toaster®™ until 1974, but that cheese and onion toastie Bacchus gave Carol in the pub looked, suspiciously, like a Breville. That apart ... jolly good effort.

British television is currently on an Olympics high, and the impact was felt throughout this year's Edinburgh International Television Festival. From the moment yer actual Elisabeth Murdoch (relation) praised the 'exuberant and unrivalled BBC coverage' in her keynote MacTaggart Lecture speech till the closing session, when LOCOG's director of ceremonies, Martin Green, revealed they'd never expected the Queen to take part personally in the James Bond sequence, there was an acknowledgment that it was television which made the Olympics such a remarkable experience for so many millions of people. 'It wasn't Twitter that made us cry,' said Murdoch: 'It was the power of television.' For the eighteen hundred TV producers and executives and media commentators gathered in Edinburgh, it was a shot in the arm after years in which television has been somewhat on the back foot - battered by budget cuts, audience fragmentation, scum tabloid nonsense and claims that the once all-powerful medium had been superseded by the Internet. The Olympics audience figures were 'just breathtaking', said Richard Bacon, chairing the final session. 'Fifty two million people in the UK watched some of the Olympics coverage. Peak audiences of over twenty six million saw the opening and closing ceremonies. 24.2 million people pressed the Red Button. There were thirty nine million UK browsers to BBC Sport, and twelve million mobile video requests.' 'Some people said linear television would eventually be replaced by digital channels, but what this shows is you can do both,' said Roger Mosey, the BBC's director of London 2012. 'BBC1 and BBC3 did fantastically well but so did online and mobile. It shows you can make big events bigger if you use all your platforms. You might think that using twenty four channels would damage BBC1, but actually it strengthened it' he said. 'People loved the fact that they could edit their own Olympics, so if you wanted to watch the fencing and then the Greco-Roman wrestling you could. People loved that choice.' This was reflected in the audience appreciation figures. Some ninety six per cent of people said the TV coverage 'met or exceeded' their expectations. 'IPSOS-MORI said they were the highest figures they had ever seen,' said Mosey. 'Of course we had wonderful material to work with, because the games and the ceremonies and torch relay were so brilliantly organised, but it felt as though we were really in tune with the nation and each fed the other.' The response was particularly satisfying after the criticism of the BBC's coverage of the Queen's jubilee river pageant. Mosey said the BBC had conceded that was 'probably not its finest hour' but insisted the rest of the BBC's jubilee output had been a success. Just, not those bits featuring Fearne Cotton. Elisabeth Murdoch's warm endorsement of the BBC, and not just its Olympics coverage, surprised some of her audience. It's simply not what they expect to hear from a Murdoch. Three years ago her brother, James Murdoch the small, in his own notorious 'greed is good'-style MacTaggart Lecture, accused a 'dominant' BBC of 'chilling' ambitions and of purveying 'state-sponsored journalism.' Twenty years before that, her father billionaire tyrant, Rupert, had attacked British television - particularly the BBC - for being 'obsessed with the past', and part of 'a British disease' which portrayed 'businessmen as crooks.' Some observed that the BBC commissions Elisabeth's company, Shine, to make hit programmes such as Merlin, MasterChef and, before that, Life on Mars and [spooks]. Others suggested that she was attempting, with her husband, the PR guru Matthew Freud, to 'detoxify Brand Murdoch.' This blogger believes that the speech was a combination of both of those things and, more specifically, a very clever bit of positioning by yer actual Lis her very self as a 'non-threatening' potential successor to her father. The acceptable face of Murdochism, if you like. Whatever the explanation, she 'put on record' that she was a 'current supporter of the BBC's universal licence fee' which mandates 'its unique purpose as a strategic catalyst to the creative industries of this great country.' And, in contrast with billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch's view that the BBC lived in the past (which may have been justified in 1989), his daughter said: 'The BBC seems furthest ahead in understanding that our new world demands new eco-systems. Under the vision and leadership of Mark Thompson, the BBC has been the market leader for building new relationships and services, with creatives from every sector.' She also chastised previous festival organisers for the fact that she was the first woman in seventeen years to deliver the MacTaggart Lecture. Speaking later in the festival's Question Time session, Mad Harriet Horrorshow, the deputy Labour leader, expressed her frustration: 'You wait seventeen years for a woman to give the MacTaggart Lecture and it's a Murdoch - it's like waiting for a woman to be prime minister and finding it's Margaret Thatcher.' Well, quite. Horrorshow welcomed Murdoch's support of the BBC, but said the corporation now faced another threat to its future - from Scotland's First Minister Alex Salmond. He told his festival audience that Scotland had been 'short-changed' by 'outdated' broadcasting policies dictated from Westminster and if the country gained independence after the 2014 referendum, he would replace the BBC with a new public service broadcaster. Horrorshow said: 'What an irony that as the Murdochs are retreating from wanting to break up the BBC, the baton is being picked up by Alex Salmond.' Shadow Scottish secretary Margaret Curran pointed out one of the risks: 'On Thursday night, millions of people tuned in to see the first episode of Waterloo Road, filmed in Greenock, broadcast across the UK.' She said the first minister must answer whether programmes like this would still be made in Scotland without the BBC. Some thought Salmond's timing was unfortunate, at the very moment when the Olympics has made the BBC as popular as it's been for a very long time. But TV's feel-good factor won't last forever and the festival debated several other key issues facing the industry. There were discussions about the Leveson Inquiry, made more immediate by the Sun's publication during the Festival of naked photos of yer actual Prince Harry's knob on holiday in Las Vegas. Elisabeth Murdoch acknowledged that the phone-hacking at the disgraced and disgraceful Scum of the World had been 'a nightmare' for her family - though it was much worse for the victims and the parents of Milly Dowler, she hurriedly added. She said the 'dearth of integrity' by so many institutions had made it hard for the industry to argue for a free press and light touch regulation. But overall, speakers felt that this was a newspaper issue, not one that affects television, which is already highly regulated. A new BBC director-general, George Entwistle, takes charge next month, and must continue to implement budget cuts and there was no shortage of suggestions and advice. Former BBC1 controller Lorraine Heggessy, now an independent producer, said the corporation must 'simplify' its commissioning process to save time and money. Roger Mosey was reticent when asked whether the success of the Olympics meant the BBC might now dedicate a channel to sport, or give greater coverage to the minority sports which proved so popular. But there was some comfort for Entwistle from Steven Moffat, the man behind two of the BBC's biggest international hits, Sherlock and Doctor Who. He discussed both series at the festival and said Doctor Who could go on making money for the BBC 'for generations to come.' As the glow of the Olympics fades, the BBC may well be very grateful for it.

BBC America has announced it is co-producing BBC1's The Musketeers, a new drama inspired by the classic novel by Alexandre Dumas and written by Adrian Hodges. The Musketeers is a fresh and contemporary take on the beloved story and characters created by Dumas. It tells the story of a band of brothers, highly trained soldiers who are assigned to protect King and country. Courageous, impulsive, ready to fight any battle, if the cause is just. The series shares Dumas' original Seventeenth Century setting and will feature a fresh story each week across its ten episodes due to be broadcast for 2014. Presumably this will be going into the Merlin/Doctor Who slot for Saturday evenings. Perry Simon, General Manager BBC America, said: 'The series bristles with vivid escapism and heroic action adventure and is set to thrill audiences with crackling stories of the week.'

Downton Abbey's male actors have joked that their period underpants are difficult to wear. They were reportedly banned from wearing modern underwear during a filmed cricket match in case they 'showed through' on-screen. Actors including Dan Stevens and Hugh Bonneville reportedly 'struggled to remain focused' during filming while wearing the baggy garments, leading to several rude jokes. David Robb - who plays Doctor Clarkson on the period drama - spilled the alleged beans to the Sun: 'The bosses reckoned viewers might be able to see our Calvin Kleins, so we had to wear these big pants,' he reported as saying. I'm almost certain that he didn't use the word 'bosses' or anything even remotely like it as no one who works in television uses words of less than three syllables when talking to tabloid newspapers. 'But they don't really contain a chap - you just flop and dangle around all over the place - and the boys' jokes were flying, as you can imagine,' he continued. Allegedly. 'I don't think the viewers will really be able to see anything but I'm not sure.' The cricket match between the house and the village, will feature as part of the drama's third season finale. Robb added: 'The cricket match was hilarious. We didn't really know what we were doing, but had great fun.'

Ruth Jones has dismissed claims that a new series of Gavin & Stacey is in the works. Speaking at the Edinburgh Television Festival, Jones told Metro that her schedule does not allow her enough time to work on reviving the show. Which is, frankly, the single best bit of news to come out of Edinburgh this year. Let's all have a party.

Glasgow Rangers fan Fraser McLaren scored the equaliser and came close to handing Berwick Rangers a surprise win as the Glasgow visitors misfired on a ground that doubles as a speedway track in their latest Scottish Division Three match. Berwick had just about edged the first half but fell behind in stoppage time when Andy Little fired home. McLaren broke clear to find the far corner after sixty two minutes and had another effort saved by keeper Neil Alexander. Chris Townsley found the net for Berwick late on, but his effort was disallowed for offside. The result leaves Rangers sitting fourth in Division Three, having also drawn their opening away game at Peterhead, with Berwick second from bottom. Rangers' old ambition to play league football in England was finally realised but in circumstances they would not have imagined until the club's summer of financial turmoil and disgrace. As they crossed the border to sun-kissed Shielfield Park, memories in the capacity crowd returned to a famous Berwick victory in 1967, when the Wee Rangers caused one of the biggest shocks in Scottish Cup history with a 1-0 victory over the men from Ibrox.

Elvis Presley's piss stained smalls will go up for auction next month. The late singer's dirty pants were worn under his famous white suit in 1977, the year in which he died. They were found at the estate of his father Vernon Presley, and will go under the hammer in Stockport in September. The framed piece of clothing is expected to fetch around ten grand. The auction will be held to coincide with the thirty fifth anniversary of Presley's death. Also available for purchase is his annotated bible, which he owned since his first Christmas at Graceland in 1957. Several passages were underlined by Presley, including: 'What is a man advantaged if he gain the whole world and lose himself or be cast away.'

Which bring us, by an inevitable sense of this being the end of the page, to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. Which today, for no other reason than I felt like it and because there's a very good article in this month's Mojo about their early years, features a stunning dose of yer actual Smiths their very selves. Kiss my shades.

In My Dream I'm A Western Hero

Doctor Who showrunner The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has said that the show has the capacity to be a money spinner for the BBC for generations to come. Doctor Who, along with Strictly Come Dancing and Top Gear, is one of a handful of BBC formats which, thanks to their commercial exploitation both in Britain and, especially, overseas, not only pay for themselves but, also, a decent-sized proportion of the rest of the BBC's output. Moffat, the BBC's popular long-running family SF drama's executive producer and head writer, said the new series - which returns next Saturday with Asylum of the Daleks - would be a season of 'blockbuster' episodes. Asked about his budget for the show, Moffat said: 'I"m never going to say I've got enough. That's like asking would you like to be more happy, of course I'm going to say yes I want more money. They don't starve us, Doctor Who is incredibly well-looked-after by the BBC. I truly believe it could be a show that outlives everybody in this room, it doesn't just make money now it could make money forever,' Moffat told the Edinburgh International Television Festival on Saturday morning. He said that the new series would be a 'blockbuster every single week, let's not have a cheap episode, let's make them all huge. Last year we did an arc [storyline]. Next year we will do something else. Every year we have to go in a particular direction. It shouldn't feel like good old cosy Doctor Who.' On the long-mooted possibility of a film version of Doctor Who, Moffat said: 'There's often been talk about a movie, I'm sure we should do one. What I keep saying is it can't ever be allowed to interfere with the television show, that's the mothership, that's the thing that will go on forever.' Moffat said changing viewing habits meant 'about half or just under' of the show's regular eight to ten million audience watch Doctor Who when it first screens on BBC1, the rest catching up on timeshift and iPlayer. 'We no longer watch TV when schedulers tell us we should and that's right,' he said. 'Your bookcase doesn't tell you when to read a book.' Asked about his choice of writers on the show, Moffat said: 'If it's your first television show you have written you are going to screw up royally, I tend to favour highly experienced television writers for the sake of my sanity. We do go outside of the circle. It's a tough old job. No brand new TV writer should be tackling this one. It's hard.' Moffat said he wanted to make the Daleks scary again in the new run. 'Kids are supposedly frightened of Daleks but they take them to bed. Is there a way we can make them scarier, get them back to being more monstery? I hope they will leave them outside their bedroom doors, was my response to that. There is a tremendous temptation to go kitsch and sweet with the Daleks. You shouldn't. They are insane tanks.' Moffat asked the audience for a show of hands whether they would continue watching the show with a female Doctor, but appeared unconvinced by the prospect. 'It is a part of Time Lord lore, it can happen. I don't know, who knows? The more often it's talked about, the more likely it's going to happen.' One audience member said he could 'take it for a couple of episodes.' Yer actual naughty Moffat joked: 'That wouldn't be very nice on the young lady involved.'

Matt Smith's first Doctor Who episode The Eleventh Hour has finally lost its position as the most accessed programme on the BBC iPlayer since the launch of the service in 2007. Smudger's debut episode as The Doctor had clung to the top of the list since May 2010, shortly after it was shown on BBC1. The episode has seen off attempts by other dramas such as Sherlock, comedies like Come Fly With Me and documentaries like Frozen Planet to dislodge it from the top spot, to retain the title of the most popular programme on iPlayer, ever. The two year reign at the top came to an end a couple of weeks ago when BBC Sport claimed the crown with the Opening Ceremonies of London 2012 which has been accessed around 3.4 million times, overtaking The Eleventh Hour which currently stands at 2.85 million requests. Doctor Who still retains the second place in the table, comfortably ahead of the third placed Sherlock episode A Scandal in Belgravia.

And, speaking of ratings the vastly amusing disaster that is Red or Black? continues to provide chuckles for the nation. 3.42 million punters watched the 7pm episode of the game show flop - beaten by BBC1's nineteenth showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (3.65m) whilst 3.7m sad, crushed victims of society watched the 9pm edition of the Ant and/or Dec vehicle form the Wee Shughie McFee, the sour-faced Scottish chef from Crossroads stable. That was also beaten, soundly, by Casualty's 4.12m. Horrorshow. At least ITV could be reasonably pleased with what was sandwiched in-between the fiasco that is Red or Black? The second episode of the new series of The X Factor had an average audience of 8.4m with a further four hundred and seventy five thousand punters watching on ITV+1 and a peak audience of over ten million. That's a fraction up on last week's season opener figure of 8.1m but still somewhat down on the audiences the show was attracting this time last year. Nevertheless, it's still a very good overnight rating but, I'd except a bunch of tabloids to be running 'X Factor ratings crisis' stories if they haven't got anything else to talk about on Bank Holiday morning. To complete the night, BBC1's Match of the Day (3.89m) gave The Jonathan Ross Show (2.52m) a damned good hiding. BBC2's highlight was another Dad's Army repeat pulling in 2.29m at 7:30pm.

The Olympics organisers considered using Helen Mirren to act as a double for the Queen in the opening ceremony's spoof James Bond sequence if the monarch had declined their invitation to participate. Sadly for Helen, Her Maj proved up for the gig. Martin Green, head of ceremonies for the Olympics ceremonies said that he and the director, Danny Boyle, were pleasantly surprised the Queen had agreed to do it and they had originally planned to use a body double. The duo discussed using Mirren – who played the Queen in the film of the same name – if the royal family agreed to allowing them to film in Buckingham Palace. 'We did talk about Helen Mirren,' said Green at the Edinburgh International Television Festival. 'Danny and I went to see her private secretary.' Err, that's the Queen's private secretary, not Helen Mirren's. At least, we presume it was. 'We showed him in storyboard form what we wanted to do. He took it away to show to the Queen and the answer came back "yes." At the time we thought we were going to do it with a body double. And the big surprise came was when we said "We need to address the sensitive subject of a body double" and they said "Why? She's going to do it,"' Green told the delegates at the event. Speaking for the first time about the ceremony, Green said the Opening Ceremony took two years to plan and their mission was to create 'a live Danny Boyle film.' Asked whether anything had gone wrong on the night which drew a peak of more than twenty seven million TV viewers in Britain, he replied that there had not. He rejected the assertion that it was 'too left-wing', as claimed by some particularly scummy - right-wing - critics including the Tory MP Aidan Burley who tweeted on the night that it was 'multicultural crap.' It was also less than popular with a couple of disgusting bully boy thug scumbags of no importance at the Daily Torygraph and the Daily Scum Mail and with billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch. So, that's a collective you really want to belong to, isn't it? Green added that the thinking behind the event was a 'great celebration of our institutions.' He was less unequivocal about the Closing Ceremony and betrayed some frustration over George Michael's much-criticised decision to use his spot to showcase his new single 'White Light'. Martin refused to give a straight answer to the question about why the singer was allowed to sing a new song rather than something everybody knew as ever other act on the bill did, saying the singer felt 'passionately' about performing it and that he was 'really glad to see George in the show.' Green revealed that the Opening Ceremony for the Paralympics on Wednesday will be 'very different,' featuring classical music, opera and science sequences inspired by the competitors' life stories. The BBC's head of Olympics coverage, Roger Mosey, denied that the corporation was wrong not to have bid more for the Paralympics, which will be shown by Channel Four, saying it was good that another broadcaster was involved. Presenter Hazel Irvine, one of the main anchors of the BBC coverage, said she would have found it difficult to muster the same levels of energy to front another games so soon. 'I would find it hard to climb the mountain again,' she said – but added that thought the BBC could have 'fought harder' to get the Paralympics rights. Mosey conceded however that it had 'turned up' the coverage of the Paralympics on Radio 5Live, which has the radio rights, but denied it had judged it wrong by not handing over the station to the games for the same 6am to 1am coverage it afforded the main event. He confirmed that BBC director general Mark Thompson intervened towards the end of the Olympics to address alleged jingoism, but said it was right as both he and Thompson thought there were small gaps in coverage of non-British stars.

ITV boss Peter Fincham has insisted that Daybreak won't become successful overnight. So, in that regard, it's reliably consistent. The notorious, risible ITV breakfast flop will be completely overhauled next month, with Lorraine Kelly and Aled Jones taking over from interim hosts Kate Garraway and Dan Lobb on 3 September. Because it's shit and no one is watching it. Daybreak has struggled both in term of the ratings, its audience appreciation index figures and for even a smidgen on credibility, since it launched with odious greed bucket pairing Adrian Chiles and the Curiously Orange Christine Bleakley in 2010. They were subsequently, and very amusingly, sacked for being a wasted of both money and, indeed, oxygen. Daybreak currently attracts around seven hundred thousand punters a day - half that of rival BBC Breakfast. 'Daybreak will have a new studio and a new on-air look,' the Sunday Mirra quotes Fincham as saying. 'We're particularly excited about Lorraine and Aled joining as presenters. We have a very strong editorial team who are committed to making this show as good as it possibly can be, but it's something that doesn't happen overnight.'

Labour's deputy leader, Mad Harriet Horrorshow, has accused Scotland's first minister Alex Salmond of 'espousing unrealistic plans' to break up the BBC – and that it would be better for the nation to keep the public service broadcaster even if it became independent. She argued that a new Scottish broadcaster on a three hundred and twenty million smackers a year budget would have to take on additional overheads currently centralised in London such as 'an additional BBC Trust' – the corporation's regulatory and governance body – and that 'looking into the details of what he is saying, it might very much unravel.' Horrorshow, speaking at Edinburgh on Saturday morning - at a session opposite Steve Moffat and, therefore, hardly attended by anyone of any consequence - argued that Salmond should adopt the same policy his party adopts regarding the monarchy and pledge to keep the institution intact in an independent state. The SNP should 'not break it up,' she said. Her intervention is a clear sign that Labour believes there is political capital to be made in defending unity of the BBC ahead of an independence referendum vote in 2014. Scottish homes pay about nine per cent of the overall BBC licence fee. The politician's comments found a little support from Richard Klein, the BBC4 controller, who said that 'I can't imagine the services will be as good. We have a lot of money you can amalgamate, amortise.' The BBC executive went on to compare a potential Scottish broadcaster to Irish public broadcaster, RTE – held up by Salmond as one model for an independent Scottish public service broadcaster. 'I do a lot of work with RTE, they are rather envious of the financial standing of the BBC,' Klein said. Salmond said an independent Scottish PSB could adopt the RTE funding model, which mixes public money and advertising revenue.

Richard Klein said that the five million quid budget cut being forced on BBC4 will not 'break' the channel, shortly before his network picked up the digital channel of the year award at Edinburgh. However, the BBC4 controller admitted that the loss of drama, entertainment and history shows will make it almost impossible to maintain its record ratings. Klein put a brave face on what a ten per cent cut to its £54.3m annual budget as part of the Delivering Quality First cost-saving project will mean – just over forty nine million knicker of that is spent on programming. But the audience at Klein's session was left with a picture of a bleak and austere future for the channel. 'The BBC4 budget has been reduced significantly, the reality is that BBC4 opportunities are much more limited,' said Klein. 'I don't think the channel is broken. It is a real shame BBC4 is losing drama, history and entertainment. That said my job is to make the best of it. I regret losing drama, I'd love to keep it but it's going.' BBC4 is currently enjoying its best viewing figures in its ten-year history – audience share has doubled to 1.7 per cent and weekly reach is close to ten million – thanks to shows including The Killing, Borgen, Spiral and Twenty Twelve. 'It will be quite difficult to certainly maintain that share, I don't even know if it is possible,' he said. 'It is quite hard to be absolutely sure sure about this sort of thing. I think the share and reach will level off or decline slightly.' He added that it might be possible to keep BBC4's strong audience figures intact, but that would require looking at how repeats are used and being tactical with acquisitions. 'We have been very smart about acquisitions and repeats,' he said. 'It is just possible if we keep doing that we could hold the line a bit. We're pretty relevant to a lot of people even if we decline a bit.' The budget cuts will be introduced on a staged basis. A spokeswoman for BBC4 said that due to the commissioning cycle history programmes will remain on the channel for most of next year, while new UK originated drama will largely disappear by April. Klein said that BBC4 is also facing a tougher market with rivals, particularly Sky Arts, posing a real challenge to the dominance the channel has traditionally enjoyed in its niche. 'Another aggressive arts player in town is a good thing,' he said. 'We are in competition to some extent [with BSkyB]. There is no doubt that Sky has really upped its game. The BBC is no longer the first port of call and Channel Four is in the game too.' BBC4 is also close to signing a deal to acquire Parks and Recreation, the hit US comedy, which will form a central plank of a slate of comedies that will be broadcast next year.

Producers of British television drama are toasting the likely introduction of a tax credit that is set to usher in 'a new golden age.' It has become established practice for big budget dramas to base their filming abroad to take advantage of tax credits. But with the government planning to roll out the generous incentive next April, many experts predict that a series of major shows will now be filmed at home as production costs decrease. Parade's End, the BBC's latest period drama which started on Friday, was partly shot and edited in Belgium and its production manager described mocking up one hundred yards of English hedgerows, full of wildflowers, in large pots. When Wars of the Roses, based on the novels by Philippa Gregory, starts production shortly, it will also be based in Belgium, with its well-preserved castles standing in for the Tower of London and other key flashpoints. The most expensive UK drama costs at least one million quid an hour, but the new tax credit will create a more level playing field. At the Edinburgh International Television Festival, Ben Stephenson, controller of BBC drama, said: 'It is very, very, good news. I suspect more dramas will be filming here.' At a session devoted to the progress and implications of the tax credit, Andy Harries, chief executive of Left Bank Pictures, which makes dramas ranging from Wallander and Strike Back to Mad Dogs, said: 'That's what it's all about, bringing drama back here.' Stephen Bristow, from the accountants RSM Tenon's film and TV department, estimated the change would bring one billion smackers into the economy. 'We have a great groundswell of talent in production, cast and crew but are the only country that doesn't offer tax incentives,' he said. 'I talk to all the major American companies and they are all very interested because of the depth of talent here and the potential tax incentives. Before the announcement of the TV tax credit, Britain was off the map, it was not considered as TV production location. Now it's back on the map.' In contrast, Nigel Stafford Clark, producer of notorious drama flop Titanic, said he had desperately wanted to film the ITV mini-series screened around the April centenary at the Harland & Wolff shipyard in Northern Ireland where the ship was built. Budget restrictions forced him to build a huge water tank outside Budapest instead. Birdsong, the adaptation of Sebastian Faulks's first world war novel, was also filmed there. Pippa Harris, executive producer of The Hollow Crown, the acclaimed BBC films of four of Shakespeare's history plays, said: 'We only just managed to make them in the UK. It was very hard.' With the prospect of further adaptations to come, the tax change would make all the difference, she added. Details on the tax incentive plan are still being formulated, but campaigners have called for it to be based on the UK's film tax credit. John McVay, chief executive of Pact, the producers' trade body, and a member of the Treasury working group drawing up the scheme, said he was confident that it would start on 1 April 2013, provided clearance under state aid rules from the European Commission was obtained. He said work was well advanced but not finalised in deciding the cultural criteria tests on which productions would be eligible to claim back up to twenty per cent of the production budget. 'It's not about subsidy, it is about bringing offshore production back to the UK,' he said. But he added that the scheme, backed by the lack of culture secretary the vile and odious rascal Hunt, was also about 'driving inward investment' into Britain from American and other producers, as has happened in the film industry. No one at the Edinburgh Festival was firmly committing to switch production back to the UK until the tax break is confirmed, but BBC2 did announce plans to make Wolf Hall, an adaptation of Hilary Mantel's Booker prize winner about the rise of Thomas Cromwell in the court of Henry VIII and the sequel, Bring Up The Bodies. Its location could be an acid test of whether the new regime is working.

The award-winning director behind the Seven Up series has spoken for the first time of his disappointment and bitterness that a dispute with Mick Jagger prevented the release of a potentially landmark Rolling Stones documentary he shot a decade ago. Michael Apted revealed that he occasionally screens a rough cut of a feature-length documentary, which includes footage of rehearsals and the opening dates of the Rolling Stones' record breaking fortieth anniversary Licks tour, for friends. However, the film, shot in 2002, has never been commercially released. Apted said that Jagger told him during a meeting in Las Vegas that the film he had delivered as a rough cut would 'not do the band any good,' adding that The Rolling Stones singer had brought 'his hitman in to deal with it.' Apted added that the project, on which he worked for several months, was then shelved indefinitely after he and Jagger failed to agree on cuts. 'I did the film and showed them a very rough cut and Mick said "fine, finish it." So I finished it and then I took it – I'll never forget it – to Las Vegas to show him and he said: "We can't have this, this is not doing the band any good,"' Apted claimed during an interview at Edinburgh on Friday. He added that Jagger asked him to take twenty minutes out of the rough cut, which was one hundred and five minutes long. 'I said "all right." So I did it and thought it was horrible. And I sent it back to him and there was silence,' Apted recalled in Edinburgh. 'Then eventually he came back and said "take another twenty minutes out of it." And I said "fuck off."' Apted, seventy one, helped choose the child interviewees for Seven Up in 1964 and has directed every series of the landmark documentary since then as it has followed the fourteen subjects at seven-year intervals. He said he was asked to do the Stones project after working on the 2001 movie Enigma, which Jagger produced. He spent time with the band in Paris, filmed them during six weeks of rehearsals in Toronto and covered the opening three dates of the Licks tour in Boston in September 2002. The mammoth show was on the road for more than a year and was then the second-biggest grossing tour of all time, seen by more than 3.4 million people and bringing in three hundred million dollars. Apted - who also directed the Bond movie The World Is Not Enough - claimed that Jagger later apologised and thanked him for his work on the documentary. But he said as far as he was aware the film had never been released in its full form, though he thought some of the footage appeared on the tour DVD. Asked about the project by Mark Lawson, the broadcaster and journalist, Apted admitted: 'Yes, that was bitter.' He added: 'I've still got it. I don't think they've ever released it. I occasionally show it to people. It was never dubbed or anything so it's a bit of a mess. That was a real disappointment. There are lots of other directors who've done the same things [with The Rolling Stones] and only the blandest films have ever made it through, like the [Martin] Scorsese thing.' Scorsese directed Shine a Light, the 2008 documentary which mixed archive material with footage of The Stones filmed in 2006. 'Mine was good because it was very emotional,' Apted said. 'They gave me a lot of contact, Charlie [Watts] and all of them. It was about their lives. What was great about it in a way was you could see they loved playing together. They were amazing. I remember they had this huge arena in New England they were playing and they came on, they were doing a soundcheck. And they started making up this blues song – it was beautiful. And I filmed it. Because their rap is they come out of retirement, make a big tax killing, make a ton of money. But they were really wonderful playing with each other. And I'd never seen a film about that.'

A young mountain lion has been caught trying to sneak into a casino in Nevada. The bad cat. The 'underage' animal attempted to slip into the downtown Reno venue ahead of the breakfast rush, according to The AP. Nevada Department of Wildlife spokesman Chris Healy said the male cat's behaviour was 'almost the equivalent of being a stupid teenager.' He added that coming-of-age cougars often end up in inappropriate locations after being chased out of a territory by adults. Guests at Harrah's spotted the mountain lion trying to walk into the casino on Friday morning. He struggled to work the revolving door and took refuge under an outdoor stage in a nearby plaza. State wildlife officials tranquilised the two-year-old animal and plan to release it back into the wild after tagging it for participation in a University of Nevada study. No injuries were reported following the incident.

Jerry Nelson, the puppeteer and voice of Sesame Street's Count von Count, has died aged seventy eight. For more than forty years, Nelson worked on numerous projects featuring Jim Henson's Muppets, including the TV series Fraggle Rock. Nelson, who suffered from emphysema, died on Thursday in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. A Sesame Workshop statement said that he would be remembered for 'the laughter he brought to children worldwide.' Nelson was born in Oklahoma and raised in Washington DC. He began puppeteering for Bil Baird, who produced and performed the puppetry sequence for 'The Lonely Goatherd' in the film version of The Sound of Music. Nelson's first job with the Muppets was The Jimmy Dean Show in 1965 - replacing Frank Oz as Rowlf the Dog's right hand. He went on to work again with Henson on Sesame Street, going on to animate some of the long-running show's best-loved characters including Mr Snuffleupaguss. But it was his mathematics-obsessed Count von Count, modelled on Bela Lugosi's interpretation of Dracula, with which he became most closely associated. He continued to voice the character from 1972 until his death, though he ceased operating the puppet in 2004. Nelson also performed many other characters on The Muppet Show, including Pigs in Space regular Dr Julius Strangepork, the boomerang fish-throwing Lew Zealand and Kermit the Frog's nephew Robin. The Sesame Workshop said: 'He will forever be in our hearts and remembered for the artistry in his puppetry, his music, and the laughter he brought to children worldwide through his portrayal of Count von Count, Herry Monster, Fat Blue, Sherlock Hemlock, The Amazing Mumford and many other beloved characters. We will miss his extraordinary spirit and the joy he brought to our Street.' Paying tribute on its Facebook page, Lisa Henson, the CEO of the Jim Henson Company, added: 'Jerry Nelson imbued all his characters with the same gentle, sweet whimsy and kindness that were a part of his own personality. He joined The Jim Henson Company in the earliest years, and his unique contributions to the worlds of Fraggles, Muppets, Sesame Street and so many others are, and will continue to be, unforgettable.'

Neil Armstrong, astronaut, the first man to set foot on the Moon, has died at the age of eighty two. His family said that he died from complications from heart surgery he had earlier this month. Armstrong walked on the Moon on 20 July 1969, famously describing the event as 'one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.' Last November Armstrong received the Congressional Gold Medal, the highest US civilian award. He was the commander of the Apollo 11 spacecraft. More than five hundred million TV viewers around the world watched its touchdown on the lunar surface. Armstrong and fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin spent nearly three hours walking on the moon. Aldrin told the BBC's Newshour programme: 'It's very sad indeed that we're not able to be together as a crew on the fiftieth anniversary of the mission. [I will remember him] as a very capable commander.' Apollo 11 was Armstrong's last space mission. In 1971, he left the US space agency NASA to teach aerospace engineering. Neil Alden Armstrong was born in Ohio on 5 August 1930. His father worked for the state government and the family were constantly on the move as he took up new positions. Armstrong took his first flight aged six with his father and formed a passion for aeronautics that would last all his life. His hero was Charles Lindbergh, and by the age of sixteen he could fly before he could drive a car. Already a decorated hero after flying Navy fighters in the Korean War, Armstrong became a test pilot for the National Advisory Committee on Aeronautics, NASA's forerunner after leaving the military. Armstrong served as one of an elite group selected to pit technology against nature's limitations. In 1962, John F Kennedy had promised to have a man on the Moon by the end of the decade. With the Russians already sending men into space, Americans were determined to fulfil this pledge, so money and support for the NASA Apollo programme were plentiful. Armstrong was one of the second astronaut groups - 'the New Nine' - along with the likes of Pete Conrad, John Young and Jim Lovell. During the Gemini 8 mission, Armstrong had managed to correct a spinning space capsule and save the lives of himself and his co-pilot, Dave Scott. Neil was famously shy, almost taciturn, but his flying skills made him the natural commander of Apollo 11. By 1969, the team was ready to fulfil Kennedy's promise. In a spacecraft which had control systems with less than a thousandth of the computing power of a modern laptop, Armstrong and his colleagues Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins made for the Moon. People across the world bought television sets for the first time to witness their endeavour, and more than half a billion watched every moment of Apollo 11's arrival on the lunar surface on 20 July. After steering to avoid large rocks, Armstrong had only twenty seconds of fuel left when he finally landed the module safely between boulders. From inside the capsule, he reported back to an emotional Mission Control in Houston that 'the Eagle has landed.' Correspondents said Armstrong remained modest and never allowed himself to be caught up in the glamour of space exploration. 'I am, and ever will be, a white-socks, pocket-protector, nerdy engineer,' he said in February 2000, in a rare public appearance. In a statement, his family praised him as a 'reluctant American hero' who had 'served his nation proudly, as a navy fighter pilot, test pilot, and astronaut.' Back on Earth, the crew received global adulation and honour, and were feted like movie stars wherever they went. But, after the initial publicity round, Armstrong refused to cash in on his singular celebrity. The man who was revered as a hero by the American public and awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work, shunned the limelight and the prospective fortune that came with it. Instead, he lived in the seclusion of his Ohio farmhouse, taught engineering at the University of Cincinnati and later went into business. He gave only occasional speeches and his most surprising sortie back into the public arena came in the form of a series of Chrysler commercials. He once explained, 'I don't want to be a living memorial,' and while his fellow astronauts trod a precarious path through post-Moon renown - Buzz Aldrin suffering alcoholism and a breakdown - Armstrong remained happy to 'bask in obscurity.' Only reluctantly did he join his fellow astronauts for anniversary celebrations of the Moon landing. In 1999, thirty years later, he stood with Aldrin and Collins to receive the Langley medal for aviation from then Vice-President Al Gore. Marked by a personal humility that meant he scarcely mentioned his own space voyages, Armstrong was nonetheless able to inspire a group of students that met him that day. He told them, 'Opportunities will be available to you that you cannot imagine.' No-one has walked on the Moon since 1972 and, for many people today, the idea of landing there again has been overtaken by the prospect of missions to Mars and beyond. But, the millions around the world who sat glued to their television sets in July 1969 saw their most fantastic dreams made real. For them, the shy man from Ohio opened a fresh frontier and there will be no forgetting Neil Armstrong and his awe-inspiring achievement.

Louise Clarke, one of the founding members of Top of the Pops dance troupe Pan's People, has died aged sixty three. Clarke died from heart failure at Ipswich Hospital in Suffolk on Saturday with members of her family at her side, her publicist Philip Day said. Pan's People first appeared in 1968 and spent eight years as the resident dancers on the weekly music show. Louise is the second member of the group to died. Founder Flick Colby died at the age of sixty five in May last year. Day, who has been a publicist for Pan's People for more than forty years, said Louise 'was a lovely, lovely lady, she was a real darling. Of all the clients I have had the good fortune to represent during all of those years, they were perhaps the most fun to work with, certainly the easiest to work with, were loyal to a fault and the very best at what they did.' Louise left the group in 1974 to start a family. The group's final appearance on Top of the Pops was in April 1976, when they danced to Silver Star by The Four Seasons.

And, that brings us nicely to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, which features Pan's People dancing to The Four Seasons 'Silver Star'. Introduced by yer actual, sen-sational Tony Blackburn. Ah, them was the day.

And, finally, as a special bonus here's Louise, Babs Ruth, Andi, Dee Dee et al shaking their groove thang to T Rex in 1971. Tasty.

Week Thirty Six: Writing Comedy Prose For Radio Shows

Doctor Who showrunner and executive producer The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat has dismissed claims - by glakes - that the series suffers from budget issues. Speaking at the Edinburgh International Television Festival, Moffat admitted that he would never turn down 'more money' but insisted that the BBC's long-running popular family SF drama's current budget is ample. 'The schedule and the pressure of trying to do Doctor Who on any budget - including Avatar's - is horrific,' he said. 'I am never, ever going to say I've got enough [money] - that's like asking, "Would you like to be more happy?"' However, he clarified: 'Doctor Who is incredibly well looked after by the BBC - they are incredibly aware of its crown jewel status, that it's not merely a show that's successful now. I truly believe it could be a show that outlives everybody in this room. It could carry on that long, so it doesn't just make money now - it'll make money forever.' Moffat concluded by maintaining that he has 'no complaints' about the amount of money allocated to Doctor Who. 'Of course I'd like more money, [just as I'd like] to be happier, thinner and more handsome!'

BBC2's lavish new period drama Parade's End made an impressive start on Friday night, overnight ratings data suggests. Starring yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch his very self, the five-part series kicked-off with 3.13m punters on BBC2 in the 9pm hour, topping the slot for half-an-hour between 9pm and 9.30pm. The recently-voted Terrestrial Channel of the Year's 8pm hour combination of Mastermind (2.16m) and Gardeners' World (2.44m) boosted Parade End's chances with a strong lead-in. Over on BBC1, wretched, unfunny In with the Flynns dipped to 2.71m in its new 9pm slot, but the audience rose to 4.02m half-an-hour later for a repeat of Mrs Brown's Boys. Which is funny. A necessary difference, I feel. Celebrity Big Brother finished third in the hour for Channel Five with 1.86m for big fat cuddly Cheryl Fergison's eviction, slightly down on Thursday's audience of two million. Overall, BBC1 topped primetime with 19.8 per cent of the audience share, above ITV's 17.6 per cent.

Harry Hill's Channel Four reunion was attended by under a million viewers on Thursday night, overnight data suggests. Whatever Happened To Harry Hill? (to which the answer would seem to be, he forgot how to be funny), an - if you will - mockumentary reliving the comic's cult Channel Four sketch show with Al Murray and Burt Kwouk, attracted just eight hundred and seventeen thousand punters in the 9pm hour. Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer's new spoof quiz show, Vic & Bob's Lucky Sexy Winners, followed with an even worse five hundred and seventy four thousand at 10pm - the Funny Fortnight season line-up denting the broadcaster's share for the night significantly. Liverpool Alabama Yee Haw's trip to Hearts in the Europa League gave ITV4 an impressive average audience of 1.38m between 7pm and 10pm, helping the sports channel trump Channel Four. For some of the 9pm hour, ITV4 was even rating higher than its terrestrial big brother ITV, which had just 1.51m viewers for the concluding part of Jennifer Saunders utterly worthless factual vehicle Back in the Saddle. The Hairy Dieters maintained a more-than-decent 2.86m over on BBC2 at 8pm, after which 1.75m watched a special Springwatch. Crimewatch on BBC1 won the 9pm slot with just 2.75m. Overall, BBC1 led primetime with 18.8 per cent of the audience share, ahead of ITV which had 15.8 per cent.

On which ratings-factoid-malarkey, here's the next batch of yer actual Top Telly Tips:-

Friday 31 August
Chris Evans and Alex Jones present the final ONE Show of the week - 7:00 BBC1 - featuring the usual mix of celebrity guests and stories about people in extraordinary circumstances. It says here.

'Can someone tell me why I'm here, watching the ruling class in its death throes?' wonders young suffragette Valentine Wannop at the Eton cricket match in the latest episode of Parade's End - 9:00 BBC2. It's a valid question for the viewer to ask, as well. As one posh character after another bemoans their lot ('God, I'm so bored of it!'; 'Beastliness everywhere!' et cetera), ones sympathy could be forgiven for wobbling and then falling to the floor and shattering into a million tiny fragments. Luckily yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch is at the heart of the fractured plot and his character – repressed and dutiful Christopher – acts as a moral centre of gravity. In this episode, he has a fireside chat with Miss Wannop which culminates in a speech about his values ('Duty and service to above and below. Frugality. Keeping your word. Honouring the past') that feels as though he's baring his flinty soul. Or, reading an extract from Wisden. But the reunion with Sylvia (Rebecca Hall) doesn't go well. She pines for Christopher yet he, amazingly, resists her pining. Meanwhile, the cuckoo vicar (Rufus Sewell) is back, this time railing against brassières, of all things. A public reunion appears to draw a line under Christopher and Sylvia's relationship troubles - but behind closed doors, their marriage remains on unsteady ground. Valentine's continued presence does not make matters any easier, as Christopher struggles to uphold his vows and resist his attraction to her. However, as their domestic dramas continue, a far greater threat looms in the outside world as war seems increasingly likely.

Saturday 1 September
Yer actual Matt Smith returns as the best known time-traveller in the universe in the long-awaited opening episode (the seven hundred and eighty fifth, fact fans) of the new series of Doctor Who - 7:20 BBC1. In Asylum of the Daleks, The Doctor, Amy and Rory are kidnapped by their deadly foe The Daleks (what, did you think it was going to feature The Fish People, or what?) and forced to go on a seemingly impossible mission - to enter the Asylum, a planetary prison containing the most terrifying and insane of the aliens' kind. They need an escape route, and fast - but with a mad, mechanised army closing in, and the Ponds' marital relationship in meltdown, it is up to the Time Lord to save not only their lives but his friends' marriage. The excellent Karen Gillan and Arthur Darvill co-star. Or,if you prefer, you could watched Red or Black? and The X Factor on ITV instead. In which case, piss off from this blog and never return you brain-tripe waste of oxygen. Thanks muchly.

Alan Yentob profiles the author Ford Madox Ford and explores some of his most notable works, including The Good Soldier and the four-volume novel Parade's End, which has been adapted for television by acclaimed playwright Tom Stoppard in The Culture Show - 9:30 BBC2. The presenter and BBC executive examines how Ford's experiences on the front line during the First World War informed his work, looks into his personal and political beliefs and reveals his links to some of Britain's most notable writers, including Joseph Conrad, DH Lawrence and Ezra Pound. The programme also features contributions from Ford enthusiasts including John Simpson, Booker Prize-winning novelist Ben Okri and academic Hermione Lee.

The police are called on to quell what appears to be the beginning of a new Mafia war when a man is found murdered in the latest episode of Inspector Montalbano - 9:00 BBC4. But, Montalbano has doubts about the nature of the killing. After being taken off the case to investigate the disappearance of a Ukrainian woman, he uncovers a series of links between the two events. Italian crime drama, starring Luca Zingaretti.

Sunday 2 September
Ellen Mallam is left to drown in an upturned car by its driver, but the young woman's connection to James Blackstone, an aristocratic family's heir apparent, impedes Gently and Bacchus's investigation in Inspector George Gently - 8:30 BBC1. The chief inspector discovers that the son's future has been carefully mapped out since birth by his implacable mother Alethea, and she will not countenance any interference in her plans. However, an astonishing twist causes the detectives to reconsider the case in its entirety. Sixties-set Northern detective drama, starring Martin Shaw and Lee Ingleby, with Geraldine Somerville, James Norton, Roger Lloyd Pack, Christopher Fairbank and Ebony Buckle.

Further coverage of the fourth day of the Paralympics - 7:00 Channel Four - features athletics at the Olympic Stadium, swimming at the Aquatics Centre and wheelchair basketball at the Basketball Arena. The athletics finals include the men's T44 two hundred metres, which is expected to feature a battle for gold between South Africa's Oscar Pistorius and Jerome Singleton of the USA, and Britain's David Weir is one of the favourites in the men's T54 five thousand metres. Other British hopefuls this evening are Libby Clegg in the women's T12 one hundred metres, Ben Rushgrove and Graeme Ballard in the men's T36 one hundred metres, Mickey Bushell in the men's T53 four hundred metres and Katrina Hart in the women's T37 one hundred metres. There are also finals in the pool, where Team GB's hopes of success focus on Hannah Russell in the women's S12 one hundred metres butterfly, Heather Frederiksen in the women's S8 fifty metres freestyle and the men's four by one hundred metres freestyle relay. Plus, action from the Basketball Arena, where Great Britain take on Poland in their latest Group B match in the men's wheelchair basketball.

If you missed it when it premièred a couple of weeks ago, dear blog reader, this blogger urges you to give The Best of Men - 10:00 BBC2 - a view. In the later stages of the Second World War a refugee German doctor arrives to treat paralysed soldiers at Stoke Mandeville Hospital. Ludwig Guttmann (Eddie Marsan) finds a hospital where those with spinal injuries are heavily sedated, referred to as 'moribund' and, essentially, left to rot with bed sores. But, not for long. Guttmann launches a new care regime that treats the patients as people, young men with a future. 'You have life waiting for you, a good life,' he promises the most despairing patient, then sets about creating it, using music, humour and, most importantly, sport as tools to motivate them. This is veteran writer Lucy Gannon's recasting of the Paralympics' creation myth as a tale of prejudice defeated in the fusty 1940s. Marsan is terrific as the enlightened troublemaker treading on all the right toes, but a brilliant turn from Rob Brydon as ward joker Wynne Bowen steals the show from under him. It's a very moving story and you'll never see the Paralympics in quite the same way again.

Monday 3 September
In their first case without trusty colleague Jack (James Bolam having left in the last episode), the team reinvestigates the disappearance of PE teacher Jason Bowe when the remains of a body are discovered near the elite public boarding school where he taught in New Tricks - 9:00 BBC1. Well, they do if all of their writers haven't blacked the series by that stage after various recent shenanigans and examples of actors mouthing off without thinking. Unfortunately, their snooping could not have come at a worse time for the staff (and, no, I'm not talking about Radio Times interviews here), who are preparing to welcome a local MP to open their new computer centre - but what they do glean tells them the dead man seemed very much a loner. However, it soon turns out he got on much better with his students, forming close and inappropriate relationships with several. But could his behaviour have rattled someone enough to kill him? Two of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's most favouritist actresses in all the land, House of Cards's Susannah Harker and Nicola Walker from [Spooks] guest star. Should be worth watching, then. If they've been provided with a script, of course.

A Mother's Son - 9:00 ITV - is the first of a new two-part drama, starring Hermione Norris, Martin Clunes, Paul McGann and Alexander Arnold. Okay, that sounds very interesting (although, it'll be tough predicting what they'll be watching in the McGann household tonight as Susannah Harker, is the other side at the same time!) The murder of a schoolgirl rocks the residents of a quiet coastal town in Suffolk, and when a mother stumbles upon a pair of bloodstained trainers hidden in her home, she suspects someone in her newly merged family may have been involved in the killing. Concludes tomorrow.

Alastair Sooke explores the artistic achievements of the Romans, tracing their progression from thieves and copycats to pioneers of the use of unflinching realism and asking, you know, what they ever did for us in The Treasures of Ancient Rome - 9:00 BBC4. Portraits from the Republic reveal how they captured lifelike images and immortalised figures such as Julius Caesar and Cicero using marble, bronze and paint. Alastair also looks at how Rome's first emperor, yer actual Augustus, used art as a tool to forge his dominion.

Tuesday 4 September
Judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood assess the remaining contestants' dessert-making skills in The Great British Bake Off - 8:00 BBC2. The hopefuls start by creating tortes before tackling this week's technical test - the delicate French dish of creme caramel. Nice. Though these two rounds provide a stern examination of the amateurs' creative flair and technical ability, they then face possibly the toughest task of the series so far - a six-hour challenge to create a show-stopping layered meringue. Once the sugar has set, who will be this week's Star Baker, and who will be going home? Presented by Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins.

The week's episode of the ITV clip-show, The Unforgettable - 8:00 - looks at one of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's great favourites of the 1970s, The Sweeney. Not that he wants to piss anybody off, of course, but the similar BBC4 Call The Cops documentary which he was involved in was almost certainly better! Anyway, dear blog reader, get yer trousers on, or you'll get nicked as this documentary looks back at the hard-hitting 1970s police drama, which starred John Thaw and Dennis Waterman as two coppers, with shootahs, taking down armed blaggers across The Smoke. Plus, lots of geezers who've bounced a few Gregorys, done some blags, pulled a few strokes and even done a little Richard. Not many, Uncle. Featuring contributions by Waterman himself (though, mercifully, this time he doesn't sing the theme song), as well as Thaw's widow Sheila Hancock and Ray Winstone - star of the new Sweeney film.

Anna Maxwell Martin stars in the last of bitter old Red Jimmy McGovern's single dramas Accused - 9:00 BBC1, which in a break from the usual format provides a link with last week's hour of misery and human detritus. She stars as happily married mother-of-three Tina, who works as an officer in a young offenders' institution. One cold morning she oversees the transfer of a new inmate but her sense that things are not quite right turns out to be an understatement when the boy commits suicide soon after and she has to face his distraught father. However, her problems have only just begun, and after a series of betrayals and cover-ups Tina becomes the victim of a terrible crime forcing her to take the law into her own hands - and leading her eventually into the dock herself. Ewen Bremner and John Bishop co-star. Last in the series.

Wednesday 5 September
The much-trailed Mrs Biggs - 9:00 ITV - is a new drama about the lives of Ronnie Biggs and his wife Charmian, starring the excellent Daniel Mays and Sheridan Smith. The couple meet on a London commuter train and embark on a passionate affair, after which they elope to the south coast with money Ronnie made Charmian steal from work. Ronnie goes to prison, and following his release vows to go straight - but everything changes when he asks old friend Bruce Reynolds to lend him the deposit for a house. Reynolds' money is tied up planning what is to become the biggest heist in British history - The Great Train Robbery - and he manages to wear down Ronnie's reluctance about becoming involved in the crime. With Adrian Scarborough, Caroline Goodall and Jay Simpson.

Dallas - 9:00 Channel Five - is, just in case you were wondering, an updated version of the popular 1980s soap, following the glamorous lives and vicious feuds of Texas oil dynasty the Ewings into the Twenty First Century. The series begins with Bobby's son Christopher preparing to marry his fiancee Rebecca, a grand occasion that has brought the whole family back to Southfork Ranch. However, Bobby is hiding a terrible secret - while John Ross Ewing, son of notorious schemer JR, has been doing some dodgy deals that threaten to tear the clan apart once more. Starring Josh Henderson, Jesse Metcalfe and Jordana Brewster, as well as original cast members Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy and Linda Gray.

Storyville: The Seven Hundred And Fifty Million Dollar Thief - 9:00 BBC4 - features an interesting conceit. Marc H Simon's documentary follows his former employer and mentor Marc Dreier during his sixty-day wait for sentencing while under house arrest in 2009. The fraudster cheated investors to fund an extravagant lifestyle of yachts, works of art, houses and celebrity events sponsored by his Manhattan law firm for six years before the credit crunch led to the collapse of the enterprise.

Thursday 6 September
Sav is stalked and threatened by Callum Rose, who seems to know a lot about him and claims to have been waiting for Finch in a car outside the house the night Sav returned in the second episode of Good Cop - 9:00 BBC1. Could he be the only witness to the murder? Meanwhile, the policeman and new partner Amanda try to identify a homeless woman who leaped off a building, and a meeting with ex-girlfriend Cassie fails to go to plan. Crime drama, starring Warren Brown, Michael Angelis, Aisling Loftus and Stephen Walters.

Historian Ruth Goodman and archaeologists Alex Langlands and Peter Ginn try to re-create the experience of British rural life during the Second World War in Wartime Farm - 8:00 BBC2. However, in addition to the day-to-day challenges of running a farm, including managing livestock and cultivating land, they also have to endure the wartime restrictions placed on farmers by Winston Churchill's government. They begin by attempting to modernise their farmhouse and reclaim land for crop-growing. Peter works with a blacksmith to design a plough for draining waterlogged fields, while Ruth and Alex struggle to get the wheat crop sown. The trio also learn about life in the Auxiliary Units, a resistance force trained to use guerrilla tactics against German invasion.

The Bletchley Circle - 9:00 ITV - is a, really rather good-looking, drama set in 1952, following four fictional women whose extraordinary work at Bletchley Park during the Second World War helped break codes used by the German military. Susan, Millie, Jean and Lucy have returned to their normal lives, but when Susan identifies a hidden pattern in a series of murders, she enlists the help of her former colleagues to crack the case. Starring Anna Maxwell Martin, Rachael Stirling, Julie Graham and Sophie Rundle.

And, so to the news: The BBC is aiming to 'reinvigorate' The Voice by cutting back on live shows and making more of the swivelling chairs element throughout the second series. Mark Linsey, controller of entertainment commissioning at the BBC, said it was a 'fair comment' to say the first series of The Voice had not worked as well as the corporation hoped. The show began with very strong ratings for the prerecorded blind auditions, featuring the judges giving their verdict while facing away from the singers, and only afterwards swivelling in their chairs to see what they looked like. However, ratings for The Voice dipped when the show moved on to live performance rounds - albeit, the first two of those also achieved huge audiences, the drop only really occurring when the BBC switched the show's transmission time for 7pm to 6pm around episode eight - picking up again for the final two episodes. 'It was the first series and we learned from that,' he said, speaking at the Edinburgh International Television Festival on Friday. 'The bit that worked really, really well was the blind auditions – it gives it narrative.' Linsey said that the live show element works well for Strictly Come Dancing, Britain's Got Talent and The X Factor but it was not something that translated well to The Voice. 'We will be doing less live shows,' he added. 'Those live shows, the audience became over-familiar with that grammar, they know what's coming – it's very predictable. We were worried about the live shows because they did tail off in some other territories [where The Voice is aired]. We always expected a ratings dip after the blind auditions.' He would not elaborate on how the second series would make more of the judges' swivel chairs – in the first series they were only used during the blind auditions when acts were selected. Linsey added that the BBC was currently in talks with the judges – Danny O'Donoghue, Jessie J, Sir Tom Jones and will.i.am – and said that it was 'almost certain' that all four would be returning for the second series. Elaine Bedell, director of entertainment and comedy at ITV, told the same Edinburgh session that she was not concerned about the dip in ratings when The X Factor returned last weekend. 'It was the hottest day of the year [and] possibly the aftermath of the Olympics,' she said. 'The X Factor is on for a lot of weeks of the year, we are just at the beginning. We have a really good audition tour, everyone thinks it is one of the best ever. We have some great acts coming through.'

Scotland's first minister, Alex Salmond, has outlined his grandiose plans to replace BBC Scotland with a new public service broadcaster – potentially partly funded by advertising – if Scottish voters back independence. Salmond said the public service broadcaster would be built on 'the assets and staff of BBC Scotland' and funded 'mainly' by licence fee payers. However, the Scottish National party leader refused to rule out the prospect of the network carrying advertising alongside its public funding. Salmond told the Edinburgh International Television Festival on Friday that Scottish viewers had been 'short-changed' by fifty years of broadcasting policy dictated from Westminster. 'Hoots mon, it's ooor oil y'ken,' he noted. Or, something. 'Scotland's contribution to broadcasting is unparalleled. Television was invented by John Logie Baird and the very concept of public service broadcasting was shaped by Lord Reith,' Salmond said. 'But Scottish viewers and TV production talent are today being short-changed. Viewers are clearly voting with their remote controls for more Scottish content. Yet we do not have an English-language public service broadcasting channel of our own,' he said. Pressed on how the network would be funded, Salmond said it would rely on the existing three hundred and twenty million licence fee fund but that commercial avenues were 'not necessarily a problem in principle.' He declined to rule out the prospect of the channel carrying advertising, likening the proposed public service broadcaster to Ireland's RTE network, which is partially funded by the public and by advertisers. Salmond said popular BBC shows, including EastEnders, Doctor Who and Top Gear, would still be available to Scottish viewers, alongside programmes 'more tailored' to news and events in the country. So, a White Heather Club revival, then? Salmond said the proposals were 'in the thick of' his top priorities for Scotland if voters back independence in the October 2014 referendum. His plans, however, were quickly criticised by the shadow secretary of state for Scotland, Margaret Curran. She said: 'Today Alex Salmond told us that he's going to break up the BBC with no details about how he would do it or what it means for Scottish viewers or the people whose jobs rely on our TV industry.'

Sky TV director Stuart Murphy has revealed that he is looking for an 'enormous' reality show to air on Sky1. Isn't everyone? Ex-Big Brother boss Phil Edgar Jones, whose other TV credits include The Salon, Space Cadets and Shattered, has been given the task of finding the hit format. 'We have Phil Edgar Jones who is the master of cruelty,' Murphy told the Edinburgh TV Festival. 'He worked with Endemol and Big Brother. People forget from his CV though, he also did Shattered and Space Cadets. Massive and crazy things - and the craziest was Big Brother.' Going into detail about the sort of reality show he would like, Murphy said: 'At Sky1 we have talked a lot of getting out of the studio. We really need something of enormous scale. We need people to say, "I can't believe Sky did that. That's mental." Stuff that's enormous.' Murphy dismissed suggestions that the channel should attempt an X Factor-type show, claiming that he is 'bored of the whittle. The whittling down process shows are on other channels. Sky should give additional stuff to viewers,' he said.

The Press Complaints Commission had received more than eight hundred and fifty complaints about the Sun's decision to publish the pictures of Prince Harry naked in a hotel room in Las Vegas by late on Friday evening as it emerged that two more women are alleged to 'be touting photos and video of the controversial strip pool party.' According to the Gruniad Morning Star the newspaper regulator said it had not, however, received a complaint from any representative of the prince himself, despite a stiff warning issued by Prince Charles's personal lawyers that publication would be a breach of his son's privacy. 'Almost all the complaints are from members of the public and nearly all are about invasions of privacy,' said a spokeswoman for the PCC. The Sun carried the photos on its front page on Friday with the headline: Heir It Is – pic of naked Harry you've already seen on the Internet. Or, if you haven't, you have now. It claimed the royal family was trying to 'muzzle the world's most vibrant newspaper' - by which, we can only presume it means itself, although it seems to have confused the world 'vibrant' with the words 'odious, scummish and rancid' - and there was 'a clear public interest' for publication, claiming that it was important its readers were fully informed about a 'legitimate public debate about the behaviour of the man who is third in line to the throne.' Just for the Sun's information, this blogger is a fully paid up member of the public and has zero interest in seeing Prince Harry's man bits thrust down my throat at breakfast. Or, indeed, any other time. Just so we're clear about this. St James's Palace, which had used law firm Harbottle & Lewis to warn papers that publication would be a breach of the PCC's code of conduct in relation to photos taken on private property, said it had 'no comment to make on the photos or the prince's privacy.' Harbottle & Lewis had said there was 'no justification' under English law to publish and that 'the only possible reason for publication of the photographs is one of prurience and nothing more.' Reaction to the Sun's decision was mixed: press freedom campaigners (or, 'journalists', in other words) came out in support but some media lawyers branded it a cynical move designed to make money from increased sales. No shit, Sherlock! You think? The Daily Scum Mail demanded explanations about the royal protection officer who apparently watched while the game of 'strip pool' was being played and was photographed by the young women who were at Harry's party. And then blamed it all on asylum seekers and the BBC whilst complaining about house prices. So, no change there then. Public relations consultant Max Clifford - an odious slimeball who has made the majority of his money by exploiting exactly this sort of thirst for titillation which exists within a section of the British public - claimed that he had received two calls 'within two or three hours of each other' from two American women on Thursday who claimed to have more video and photographic evidence for sale. 'They said they have very interesting material and was I the same person who represented Simon Cowell and would I represent them? I said "no." There was a silence. I said I don't think it's right. It's an invasion of privacy,' Clifford said. The photos used by the Sun and seen by millions around the world were first sold to the Los Angeles showbiz site TMZ and then syndicated internationally by celebrity news agency, Splash News which was charging British titles ten grand a snap for the set of photos. The Sun's decision to publish amounted to a complete U-turn by the paper: twenty four hours earlier it had acquiesced to Prince Charles's request not to proceed with publication on the grounds that it would be a breach of clause three of the PCC's code of practice, which says it is 'unacceptable' to use photos of people shot in private places. Instead, it went ahead with a mock-up of the pictures using a naked picture of a twenty one-year-old female intern and the paper's picture editor. Classy. Billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch's daughter Elisabeth defended the Sun's right to publish pictures of Prince Harry naked, saying on Friday it would be 'sad' if newspapers could not print something that was so freely available on the Internet. The decision to publish comes at a sensitive time for British newspapers which are facing the threat of statutory regulation from Leveson inquiry into media ethics. So, in fact, the Sun might have done everyone a massive favour by giving Lord Leveson a perfect - and, what would likely be a very popular - excuse to throw the worthless PCC in the bin where it belongs and bring in some, rather swingeing, press regulation. Jailing editors who contemptuously, break the code might be an interesting place to start, I'd suggest. Alleged 'sources' at News International allegedly said that the decision was, allegedly, 'not taken lightly', but there was a feeling that if they did not publish, 'a line would be drawn in the sand in the wrong place' in terms of the boundaries for privacy claims. Media lawyer Mark Stephens said there was 'no public interest' in publication and claimed the Sun had 'broken the law cynically, and obviously with a view to obtaining publicity.' Stephens said: '[Lord Justice Leveson] will be sitting there looking at what the Sun has done, and thinking, "I'm going to have to regulate for the lowest common denominator, because I can't trust them to look after themselves."' There is no indication that other British newspapers will follow the Sun and publish the photos. The Daily Mirra said it decided not to publish because it felt 'it would be in clear breach of the PCC editors' code of practice regarding intrusion of privacy, which we signed up to.'

A Norwegian art gallery has admitted losing a Rembrandt etching worth up to five and a half grand in the post, after trying to save money on a courier and insurance. The Soli Brug Gallery in Greaaker, eighty kilometres south of Oslo, bought the Dutch master's Lieven Willemsz, van Coppenol, Writing-Master from a British dealer. The etching, made around 1658, is now lost in the Norwegian postal system. The gallery's chairman Ole Derje said they had used regular mail as couriers and insurance were 'quite expensive.' He said that he received notice to collect the piece. When he arrived, though, it was nowhere to be found. 'It is worth around forty to fifty thousand krone,' he said, claiming that the postal service was only offering compensation of between five hundred and one thousand krone. Derje declined to name the seller, citing confidentiality concerns. The Soli Brug Gallery already displays works by Rembrandt, Goya, Munch and Dali. 'We are sorry that this has happened,' said Hilde Ebeltoft-Skaugrud, a spokesman for the Norwegian postal service. 'We have advised him to use a more appropriate form of mail when sending items that are worth as much as this with the appropriate insurance connected.'

Archaeologists have claimed that yer actual Richard III his very self could be buried under a car park in Leicester. Now is the winter of his discombobulation, as it were. Experts from Leicester University, hoping to uncover the royal's remains on Saturday, believe that he is located outside the city council's offices. Richard was King of England between 1483 and 1485, before being ousted from his throne by Henry Tulip at the Battle of Bosworth field. Come on, you've seen The Black Adder, surely? Historical records indicate that he was buried in a Franciscan friary known as Greyfriars. Richard Buckley, the archaeologist leading the dig, told Sky News: 'The big question for us is determining the whereabouts of the church on the site, and also where in the church the body was buried. Although in many ways finding the remains of the king is a long shot, it is a challenge we shall undertake enthusiastically. There is certainly potential for the discovery of burials within the area, based on previous discoveries and the postulated position of the church.'

Thus we come to yer actual Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. Play that bassoon, David.