Three Chefs In Ma Kitchen (What Am I Gonna Do?)

Over two thrilling semi-final episodes on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, MasterChef: The Professionals whittled itself down to the final three contestants. In Tuesday's episode, Big Fat Cuddly Scouse Claire Lara, whose food has been near faultless throughout the entire series, beat off the challenge of talented - if a bit temperamental - Frenchman, Ben Piette in what India Fisher describes in the opening titles as 'the hunt for Britain's next culinary superstar.' The pair worked under immense pressure during a busy lunch service at the Michelin-starred Kitchin restaurant in Edinburgh under the watchful eye - and, occasionally, vicious tongue - of its proprietor, Tom Kitchin. Ben was put in charge of a starter dish of asparagus and scallops and received a bit of a grilling himself when he failed to put his ingredients onto a silver dish while preparing one of the orders. However, he was praised when he had to cook the restaurant's signature dish of three types of bone marrow, with Kitchin commenting that it was 'a fantastic effort.' Back at MasterChef HQ, Michel was concerned that Ben's fusion dish of John Dorey and cockles in a Thai-spiced sauce with lentils and spinach was too big a risk. Both judges were also impressed with his dessert course of flambéed caramelised bananas, ginger panna cotta, rum ice cream and raisin biscuit. However, the judges decided that his impressive rival had that something extra and put Claire through to the final, after tasting her glorious main dish of pan-fried mackerel, shallot purée and vegetables à la Greque. Next came something of a Clash of the Titans between Geordie John Calton who - despite having a bit of 'mare in his professional kitchen task at Martin Burge's Whatley Manor and some further timing issues when he came to cook his two dishes for Michel and Gregg - narrowly edged past the outrageously talented twenty one-year-old Alice Churchill. John's main course of grilled sea bass with citrus fruits, fennel and coriander had Michel purring whilst his pudding - warm ginger cake with rhubarb and fruit ice cream - produced an actual wink from saucy Gregg Wallace. That lad really loves his puds, so he does! John, born in South Shields, is currently the chef at the Duke of Wellington pub, in Newton. Yer Keith Telly Topping must check that one out next time I'm up in the wilds of Northumberland, it's only twenty five miles away. I hope we hear a lot more of young Alice, though, because my God if she's that good at twenty one, as scary Monica Galetti noted the other night, how good is she going to be in five years time? She slightly overdid it with her main course of beef fillet with roasted shallots, langoustines and smoked bacon sauce. It looked beautiful. But, both Gregg and Michel suggested that the langoustines which should have been the highlight of the dish, tended to get lost in the salt of the bacon sauce. Finally, the last six became the last three. Durham Dave Coulson - who, as noted earlier in the series must be one hell of a good chef as he's managed to make near-perfect dishes so far whilst, simultaneously, suffering from the most appalling nerves for much of the times - was up against the experienced Cornish chef Lee Groves. Lee, sadly, had something of a disaster during his professional kitchen test at West London's The Ledbury. He just couldn't get the new season lamb dish right and head chef Brett Graham was starting to get a bit testy. But, it wasn't over yet. 'I'm shaking like a leaf,' Dave said - not unexpectedly - as he prepared his final main course of braised pigs' cheeks and ham-wrapped pork loin with mustard mash, apple purée and a toffee apple. Both his dish and Lee's roast red mullet, plum tomatoes, olives, wild garlic and saffron impressed the judges as did Lee's second dish of lime posset with caramelised pineapple and basil cream which Gregg was especially impressed with (he described it as 'majestic'). For once Dave's presentation was faultless but his seasoning let him down somewhat with his starter of scallops with potato pancakes, shallot purée and salsa verde oil. In the end, though, it was probably the experiences in the professional kitchen that swung the decision in Dave's favour. 'That guy can cook. If Dave understand one thing it's how to make food taste big and magical. He's got it,' said Gregg at the climax. 'It's been good series for the North East' Dave, the head chef at Wynyard Golf Club in Billingham, told the Journal. 'John and I have been flying the flag for chefs in the region.' Good on yerself, Davie. Now, stop shaking and go and win the bloody thing!

Eliza Dushku has dismissed rumours that she will play comic hero Wonder Woman in an upcoming television adaptation. It was previously reported that Boston Legal creator David E Kelley is developing a new series based around the character. Dusku joked to UGO: 'Someone is going to have to pick between me, Megan Fox and Beyoncé. Those are, I think, the three names that always circulate with the Wonder Woman rumour.' However, the former Dollhouse and Buffy the Vampire Slayer star hinted that she would be following the new project's development. She said: 'I think once somebody gets a clearer vision of the Wonder Woman that they want, then maybe we'll see what happens with those rumours.'

Charlie Brooks has revealed hints of what fans can expect from a forthcoming EastEnders plot which sees her character, Janine, facing what the press release describes as 'serious danger' on a level crossing. What other sort of danger one might expect to face on a level crossing, if it isn't serious, they don't speculate. Which is probably just as well. In Friday's episode of the BBC soap, Janine will stop Ricky's car on the hazardous spot as she drives away from Walford with her husband, Ryan, and his baby daughter Lily as passengers. While stationary on the level crossing, Janine gives Ryan an ultimatum over their relationship, asking whether he wants to be with her or Lily's mother, Stacey Slater. However, the situation soon becomes a full-blown crisis when the barriers come down and Janine finds herself unable to start the car. Speaking to Soaplife about Janine's extreme actions, Brooks explained: 'It's her way of making a statement, of showing Ryan how let down she feels. She was scared of falling in love and what we see coming out is how dangerous Janine can be when her heart is broken. But when the car stalls with the train hurtling towards them, she's as scared as he is.' The actress added: 'She thought if she took baby Lily and Ryan away from the Square, it would mean Stacey couldn't get between them anymore. She was acting out of desperation.' Fans will discover whether Janine, Ryan and Lily survive the train danger in next Monday's episode.

The BBC has denied tabloid rumours that it has cancelled 101 Ways To Leave A Gameshow. The series, which is hosted by Steve Jones, sees unsuccessful contestants eliminated from the competition in a variety of different ways. Yesterday, reports claimed that the BBC had axed the programme because executives were unhappy with the ratings. However, a BBC spokesperson has told the Digital Spy website that the future of the show has not yet been decided.

Jerry Springer has suggested that his controversial talk show has changed the way people interact on television. Which is probably true although not, necessarily, for the better, it should be noted. Speaking to the Associated Press, the host insisted that the unpredictability of his series has been responsible for chat show guests speaking more honestly and openly about conflicts and biases. 'The culture of television changed,' he said. 'The world didn't change. There's nothing that's ever been on any of our shows that a grown-up didn't know existed.' He continued: 'There's nothing shocking in the show. What was shocking was that we had never seen it on television before.' Springer offered no apologies for the often contentious nature of his show and has no intention of toning down its graphic nature. He concluded: 'I'm hired to do a show about crazy, so I can't then say, "I don't want to do crazy." I know if I go to work I see crazy. If I go home, hopefully I don't see crazy.' Yer Keith Telly Topping is, once again, reminded of that marvellous moment in the outstanding West Wing episode He Shall, From Time To Time when President Bartlet has been in bed for the day with, he claims, a touch of 'flu. 'You know, I was watching a television programme before with a sort of a roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who are having some sort of problems with their boyfriends. Apparently, because the boyfriends have all slept with the girlfriend's mothers. Then they brought all the boyfriends out and they fought right there on television. Toby, tell me, these people don't vote, do they?' Art imitates life, imitating art. Theoretical McLuhanism in action, dear blog reader. As TS Eliot so wisely noted: 'We had the experience but missed the meaning.'

James Bond's specially modified supercar driven in Goldfinger and Thunderball is set to go under-the-hammer. The silver Aston Martin DB5 coupe - nice motor! - will be auctioned this week at the RM Auctions Automobiles of London event. Auctioneers expect the car to fetch around three and a half million pounds. The standard version was released in 1963 and had a top speed of one hundred and forty five mph. Or, one hundred and forty six if The Stig was driving it to get away from Jezza giving him GBH of the earhole. But double oh seven's version - Ha! Ha! De Killa! - sported special equipment, including bulletproof shields and retractable machine guns. It was closely associated with the Sean Connery era in the movie franchise. The car only had one private owner before going up for auction and has thirty thousand miles on the clock. Jerry Lee said that he bought it from Aston Martin directly and has kept the vehicle in his 'James Bond room' for the past four decades. 'I drove it for two blocks in London. I think it's a work of art. It's just pure beauty,' Lee said.

It's been something of a momentous week for Aleksandr the Meerkat. First, the fictional mammal released his autobiography; and now 'simples!' - his catchphrase from the comparethemarket.com adverts - has made it into the Collins English Dictionary. A host of Twitter-related words have also been added, reflecting the rise and rise of the micro-blogging site. As well as 'retweet,' there is 'tweet-out,' a greeting sent to one's friends via Twitter, and 'tweetheart,' a person who uses Twitter who is much loved or admired by other users.' Tragically, 'twat' meaning the sort of person who uses the damn thing on a regular basis hasn't yet made it. Also having its dictionary debut is 'hashtag,' a word or phrase preceded by a hash symbol, often used to identify the topic under discussion. This year's political upheaval is also reflected in the new book, with Con-Dem, Con-Lib and Lib-Con all making the cut. One that already sounds anachronistic is Cleggmania, alongside its cousin its cousin, Cleggstasy, both of which only seem to be referred to in the past tense in common parlance these days. Because, nobody likes the Deputy Prime Minister it would seem. Least of all, his own party. One of Gordon Brown's darker days is marked with the inclusion of 'bigotgate,' describing the former Prime Minister's encounter with a disillusioned Labour supporter in Rochdale in April. His successor, David Cameron, contributes 'broken society' – described by Collins as 'a perceived or apparent general decline in moral values.' On a similar theme, 'ghost estate' refers to a housing estate built during an economic boom but unfinished or unoccupied during a recession. In technology, Apple's iPad made a sufficient impact to be included in this year's dictionary. And in sport and leisure, the dance-fitness programme Zumba also made the grade. The Glasgow-based dictionary compilers identified the new inclusions using a two-and-a-half billion-word database.

And finally for number two in yer Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, here's The Clash.Or, if you prefer, here they are again - looking about as singularly cool as it's possible to - at Christmas 1978 at the Camden Music Machine, from the film Rude Boy. And, with the bonus of 'Safe European Home' into the bargain. This is Joe Public speaking. 'They said, we'd be artistically free/but it's just a bit of paper.' Damn straight.

My Smile Is Just A Frown (Turned Upside Down)

For today's lesson, dear brethren, a brief observation on the fickle finger of fate and the ephemeral nature of what can be classified as 'success'. This time last year, the BBC espionage drama [spooks] appeared to be if not, exactly on its last legs, then in serious danger of couching up blood. After a critically acclaimed seventh series in 2008, the show's eighth run seemed to many viewers to be rather tired and listless. A couple of very popular characters left and, despite the return of another old favourite - Nicola Walker's Ruth - [spooks] often felt somewhat jaded besides exciting new ITV drama formats like Whitechapel and Unforgiven. Its ratings weren't anything special either, averaging around five million with one episode dropping as low as 3.9m on overnights. Not long after the series had ended Ben Stephenson the BBC's head of drama, made a speech in which he alluded to the fact that some of the BBC's longer running dramas were now, perhaps, coming to their natural conclusion. A lot of - ill-informed - press speculation followed, focusing heavily on [spooks] and, also, another excellent but long-lived BBC crime drama, Waking the Dead. Both series were subsequently recommissioned - just a few hours after the Daily Scum Mail had confidently predicted that both would be axed - and, a year on, [spooks] appears to be in better health than ever. Ratings are up - well over five million on overnights, and above six million when timeshifts are taking into consideration. Despite this, the show's audience Appreciation Index scores have remained quite exceptional. Monday night's episode drew a score of ninety one out of one hundred. Put in layman's terms, that means the vast majority of those viewers who expressed an opinion, scored the show at nine-out-of-ten or above. Which is common place in programmes with an audience of a few hundred thousand - Channel Five's US crime dramas, for example - but far rarer when the audience is much wider and, therefore, more inclined to contain more casual and less dedicated viewers. Although the BBC haven't confirmed it yet officially, it appears as though [spooks] may well have been rewarded for its resurgence with yet another series for 2011. Some shows, it would seem, are just hard to kill. However, there is a downside in every example of swings and roundabout, we know this to be true. At more or less the same time that [spooks] was suffering from a bit of a critical mauling last year, the BBC's ONE Show was going from strength to strength. Its presenters - Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley - were the genuine poster kids for the BBC's good old 'your friend in the corner of the room' type of programming. Cheerful, friendly, warm and likeable. They could, it seemed, do no wrong. Within a few months, both had left the BBC in controversial circumstances. The former, seemingly, with a massive chip on his shoulder simply because he was being asked to do one less day on the show and allow Chris Evans to co-host with Bleakley on the Friday evening show - and, despite the fact that the BBC were offering Chiles a pay rise and a series of other formats for him to present in addition to his four days on the sofa with Christine. Bleakley herself left soon afterwards, having faffed about and dilly-dallied, publicly changing her mind half-a-dozen times over whether she was staying or going. The BBC finally lost patience with her and, told her to make her mind up. She did. Money, ultimately, talked. For both of them, however, there were also dark rumours of greed being at the heart of their decision, particularly after it emerged that ITV had been actively tracking Chiles for two years before the BBC even suggested changing things at the ONE Show. Having both signed for reported seven figure per year salaries with the commercial broadcaster, Chiles and Bleakley were unveiled as the saviour of ITV's flagging early-morning chat show, GMTV. Rebranded as Daybreak, the couple began their first shift at the start of September with an initial audience of almost exactly a million viewers. Four million less than they'd been getting at their peak on The ONE Show, incidentally, and they'd had to get up at three o'clock in the morning to achieve this figure, but still that was a couple of hundred thousand more viewers than GMTV had been getting of late and ITV were cautiously optimistic. No, in fact, they were loudly optimistic and full of media bollock-speak statements about how they were 'closing the gap in year-on-year decline' whatever the hell that meant. Seven weeks later, on Tuesday 26 October, Daybreak's average audience across its two and half hours had shrunk to a staggeringly bad five hundred and forty thousand viewers. Normally, when something gets an audience that low, you'd expect its AI scores to be quite high since, one would normally assume, those who are still watching the show after all this time really rather like it. Unfortunately for Daybreak, not only is hardly anyone watching it, but seemingly, those that are, appear to think it's Godawful. Tuesday's AI score of sixty six wasn't the lowest the show has had - it was mired down in the high fifties for most of its first month - but it's still a long way short of even average, let alone decent. Rumours are now circulating within the TV industry that the show had been given just four weeks to pull itself out of the hole it's current in or else it will be cancelled faster than you can say 'Kate Garraway.' I'm not sure that I buy this, personally, since it would be hugely embarrassing for ITV to have paid such a massive amount of money - not only for Chiles and Bleakley themselves, but also on the whole revamp and rebranding exercise in terms of resources and publicity. Today, comes the claim that the ITV Studios team responsible for I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here! want to take over Daybreak. The Sun reports that the morning programme's 'bosses' held what the tabloid describes as 'crisis talks' after viewing figures fell below six hundred thousand for only the second time on Monday. ITV Studios - which makes This Morning and Loose Women - want, claim the newspaper, to 'see over the show as it believes it can do a better job than the current team.' And, let's face it, even if they brought in the Chuckle Brothers to present it, it's difficult to see how they could do much worse. 'Things are going from bad to worse on Daybreak,' an ITV 'source' is alleged to have told the paper. 'We went for revolution rather than evolution when we axed GMTV, but now it's us who are against the wall.' The falling ratings have sparked speculation that Bleakley may quit the show, despite attempts to make the set 'warmer' and secure bigger name guests. And, meanwhile, the show she and Chiles left behind, The ONE Show, with Evans - who's settled in quite nicely - and the new Monday to Thursday pairing of Jason Manford and Alex Jones - ditto - is doing steady business. Still pulling in four to five million each night. Which, kind of suggests that it was never Adrian and Christine who were the reasons for the success of the show in the first place but, rather, the show's easy-going and lightweight style which is perfectly suited to early evening viewing no matter who is doing the presenting. It is, of course, very wrong to laugh at the misfortunes of others. Unless they, you know, really ask for it! So, dear blog reader, the point of all of this malarkey is that whilst, as they say, a week may well be a long time in politics, a year is a bloody eternity in television! Here endeth the lesson.

The Emmerdale actor Adam Thomas has apologised after allegedly insulting a gay fan. The twenty three-year-old was approached by viewer Ricky Platts in a branch of McDonald's in Leeds when the incident occurred, the Sun reports. Platts was reportedly 'left stunned' when Thomas replied: 'Yeah, what about it gay boy?' Platts claims that the actor then began 'hopping up and down like a madman' and called him and a friend, who was dressed in drag, 'queers.' Platts, who is a student, continued: 'I couldn't believe that someone who is meant to be a role model would do something like that.' Hang on ... I'm not in any way defending such apparent homophobic numskullery as this, but since when did an actor in a soap opera in any way constitute a role model to anyone? In the ITV soap, Thomas's character, Adam Barton, has been supporting his gay friend Aaron Livesy, played by Danny Miller. In a statement, Thomas said: 'I deeply apologise for my actions and I am horrified to realise that I have caused offence.' Well, that seems sincere enough - don't be a glake and say anything even remotely like that again and, I'm sure most people will be prepared to overlook this as a moment of madness. I did say most people however, because gay rights activist Sarah Carmody told the newspaper: 'His apology is all very well, but the producers of Emmerdale must take decisive action.' Such as what, Sarah? Sack him? That's very enlightened and free of hatred. God, the milk of human kindness was certainly flowing out of you that morning, wasn't it? The way to end bigotry and stupidity is not through being, yourself, bigoted and stupid. Redemption comes in many forms. Most of them require understanding and a shade of compassion, not knee-jerk soundbites for the tabloids. To err is human, to forgive is divine. I believe it was Oscar Wilde who once said that one should always forgive ones enemies because 'nothing annoys them so much.'

And, speaking of gay men, good old John Barrowman has been confirmed for the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special. Oh, that's gonna be the single campest night in the history of television I can just tell! The Torchwood and Desperate Housewives actor is one of the first names to be confirmed for the festive special of the BBC1 dance show. For the first time ever, the Christmas Strictly will feature a new cast of celebrity performers, who will be filmed over a two-week period training and them perform on the night. Producers are aiming to capture stars who have missed out on previous full series' because they could not commit for the whole autumn. Speaking about hitting the dance floor, Barrowman said: 'I've watched Strictly since the first series and I'm ecstatic to have been asked to be part of the Christmas special. I am looking forward to the challenge as it's so different to any of the dancing that I've done before in musicals. But more than anything, I am so looking forward to wearing the costumes. I can guarantee this: there will be sequins.' Heh! Book your tickets for the front row now, ladies and gentlemen of the blog!

Meanwhile, Strictly Come Dancing professional dancer Erin Boag has, apparently, stripped naked for a magazine shoot. The thirty five-year-old dancer, who has been on the BBC show since series one, claimed that she wanted to have the photographs taken so that she could look back at them in her old age. Speaking to Closer magazine, she said: 'On the whole I'm happy with my body so I enjoyed posing naked and I'm really pleased with the shots. I hope the public like them too - I'm sure the men who write to me asking me to wear stockings and suspenders on the show will be pleased!' Damn. Busted. 'When I'm old and wrinkly, I'll look back at my nude photos with pride.' Boag also revealed that she had grown comfortable with appearing naked in front of people, because it happens all the time on Strictly. 'It's all part of being a dancer, and when you're getting changed backstage in a hurry, you just ditch your clothes without much thought,' she said. 'But no-one stands there staring - we definitely avert our eyes!' Boag and her celebrity partner, Peter Shilton, were voted off Strictly last weekend after failing to impress the judges with their Charleston routine. Or, indeed, with pretty much anything.

The shadow culture secretary, Ivan Lewis (no, me neither), has demanded an urgent parliamentary inquiry into the BBC licence fee settlement following the hastily negotiated deal agreed with the government last week. Oh, you've finally noticed, have you, Ivan? Took you long enough. Round here, we've been talking about little else. Lewis has written to John Whittingdale, the Conservative MP who chairs the Commons culture, media and sport select committee, asking him to 'hold an investigation' into the six-year deal. His request follows the agreement last week between the government and the corporation which will see the BBC licence fee frozen at £145.50 for six years until 2017. The settlement was announced by George Osborne in last week's comprehensive spending review. Lewis wants ministers and BBC executives to give evidence to MPs about how the deal was reached and answer questions about its implications for the corporation's services. He described the settlement as 'a dodgy deal' in parliament this week. He also said the agreement 'rode roughshod over the independence of the BBC, crushed any serious prospect of reform and involved no consultation with licence fee payers or parliamentarians.' Which is very true. What a pity he didn't say all of this on the day it was first announced - it might have sounded a bit more convincing if he had. 'The BBC is one of this country's great institutions and its future a matter of public interest,' Lewis added, forgetting to add that his own party - mainly in the shape of Ben Bradshaw - spent the best part of a decade happily kicking the BBC whilst it was down in the expectation that it would win them votes. To hear Labour MPs suddenly acting like they're Auntie's bestest friend in all the land is almost - though not quite - as sickening as watching Jeremy Hunt pick the corporation apart a piece at a time. I mean, if only somebody had told us that this was going to happen. Oh, wait. Licence fee negotiations between the BBC and the government normally take up to a year and the final agreement is subject to parliamentary approval. The latest deal was, it is alleged, hammered out behind closed doors in just over a week in a series of dramatic meetings between Hunt, the BBC Trust chairman, Sir Michael Lyons, and the BBC's director general, Mark Thompson. A last-minute proposal to saddle the BBC with the five hundred and fifty six million pounds-a-year cost of providing free TV licences to the over-seventy fives was withdrawn less than forty eight hours before Osborne's statement during a hectic final period of negotiation. But, the BBC agreed to take on several new responsibilities, including funding the World Service - previously the financial responsibility of the Foreign Office - and most of the funding of the Welsh-language broadcaster S4C. The settlement is a sixteen per cent cut to the annual £3.6bn-a-year licence fee in real terms and meeting the extra commitments will cost the BBC an additional three hundred and forty million pounds, annually, by 2015. In order to meet these extra costs, the corporation has said it will seek savings of one hundred and forty million pounds a year for four years. The culture committee, if it agrees to an inquiry, could seek explanations from Hunt, Thompson and Lyons on the exact details of the deal. Or, at least, the Labour members could. I imagine most of the Tories and Lib Dems will be sitting there whistling silently to themselves and thinking about what expenses they can claim for today's business.

Dannii Minogue has reportedly been struggling to come to terms with the behind the scenes fighting on The X Factor. According to the Mirror, the Australian judge and least famous of the Minogue sisters, has even been reduced to tears on occasions when the spats between herself, Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole and Louis Walsh have gotten out of hand. Speaking about the incidents at her perfume launch this week, she told the newspaper: 'There's a lot of bickering behind the scenes. Sometimes it spills over and you get upset. We are all theatrical darling, and when we get worked-up on stage things come out. This series is the most intense thing I have ever done.' Meanwhile, a 'source' allegedly added: 'Simon is treating Dannii really badly and only has eyes for Cheryl. They go off for cigarettes together and don't speak to the others.' Louis Walsh is quoted by the newspaper as backing up the insider's information, commenting: 'Cheryl is very ambitious and feisty and she's Simon's pet. She gets away with murder.'

There's a very good piece in Wednesday's Daily Torygraph by David Quantick - a writer whom yer Keith Telly Topping has always had a lot of time for, right back to his NME days - about Jeremy Clarkson and why the BBC need to let him be himself. 'In his fight against what he sees as the PC BBC, Clarkson will carry on making jokes about black lesbians and disabled people, in the hope of angering someone who cares. But nobody does any more. Except – rightly – those who seek to speak for the disadvantaged, and – wrongly – the dead hand of compliance, a BBC process apparently instituted not out of compassion for society's less fortunate, but out of fear of the corporation's critics.' Yep, I'd go along with all of that. Very well written and thoughtful piece, that.

BBC2 has commissioned another two series of Frank Skinner's Opinionated. Another six-part series will be broadcast in spring with a further series in autumn 2011. Skinner said: 'I'm massively pleased that the BBC have commissioned another two series of Opinionated. I knew my buy-one-get-one-free suggestion would win them over.' Each show features Skinner, two fellow comedians and a studio audience discussing the week's news stories, with each episode recorded in a different city. The first series, which was Skinner's first regular presenting job for over a decade, attracted around two million viewers an episode when it was broadcast in April and May.

Ruth Langsford has apologised after she was heard swearing on ITV's This Morning earlier today. The incident happened when Langsford and husband, Eamonn Holmes, were moving to another part of the studio while a VT was playing. 'Oh hang on, we're not there yet - fuck,' the presenter could be heard saying whilst Eamonn happily munched on a pie, so he did. In a message on Twitter, Langsford said she had used the expletive after hurting her toe and begged ITV bosses not to spank her, claiming that she'd been led astray. 'I'm really sorry for that slip this morning,' she wrote. You mean that expletive I think, Ruth. Get yer terminology right and don't make excuses. 'I stubbed my toe and unfortunately my mic was still on. Thanks for understanding.'

The BBC has announced plans to air the Autumn International fixtures featuring Ireland, Scotland and Wales after agreeing a series of new rugby union deals. BBC Sport has secured broadcast rights to all Ireland and Wales international matches until 2013, along with Scotland's remaining games this year. The agreements include TV and radio coverage, as well as online, Red Button, iPlayer and high definition on either BBC HD or the new BBC1 HD channel. The BBC also recently signed a deal with rugby union governing body the RFU to provide highlights coverage of all England international fixtures up to 2013 inclusive. 'We're delighted to have renewed our partnership with the WRU, IRFU and SRU to cover their annual international fixtures live and with the RFU to show highlights of their matches,' said Philip Bernie, the BBC's head of TV sport. 'The Autumn Internationals continue to grow in intensity and importance as the Home Nations test themselves against the best of the Southern Hemisphere and take stock ahead of the forthcoming Six Nations Championship. We value the ongoing relationships we have with the Home Unions and look forward to continuing to bring top-class rugby to our audiences.' In July, ITV retained broadcast rights to the Rugby World Cup after securing coverage of the tournament next year in New Zealand and the lucrative 2015 event in England.

Channel Five owner Richard Desmond has reportedly paid Elisabeth Murdoch's Shine Group almost one million pounds to settle a dispute over an unpaid bill for talent show Don't Stop Believing. The payment has averted the prospect of a court battle over the debt, after Murdoch last week instructed lawyers to sue Desmond's Northern & Shell over its aggressive treatment of her firm. Murdoch accused Northern & Shell of 'throwing its weight around' and also pledged to assist any other independent producers who had not been paid by Channel Five. In response, N&S claimed that it had already made contractual payments of more than five million pounds for the wretched talent show, which was fronted by former Spice Girl Emma Bunton. The company further said that the payment delay was merely because it was querying the details of a final invoice, believed to be for just less than one million pounds. Shine, which produces a number of shows for Channel Five including The Wright Stuff, has confirmed that the payment has now been received, bringing to an end the threat of legal action. Though, the chances of a second series of Don't Stop Believing have, presumably, just taken a turn for the worse. In a statement, a Shine spokesperson said that they could 'confirm that payment of all remaining instalments for Don't Stop Believing have now been received. This follows Shine readily facilitating further reviews of the programme's accounts for Channel Five after which it was confirmed that no outstanding questions remain. As such, planned legal action to recoup these payments does not need to be pursued.'

Someone described as 'a pop superstar' was left feeling 'vulnerable and isolated' when a blackmailer used 'highly sensitive' stolen photos to try to extort thousands of pounds from him or her. The musician, who is said to be 'instantly recognisable,' cannot be named for legal reasons after he or she obtained a court order banning the media from disclosing his or her name, age, nationality and relationship status. According to the Telegraph, he or she received threatening letters demanding cash in exchange for twenty seven images which were stored on two Apple Mac laptops, stolen from his or her London home last November. The thief struck at night when the celebrity and a relative were sleeping in separate rooms. However, it was six weeks before the blackmailer made contact threatening to sell the 'sensitive' images to the press. He claimed that each of the twenty seven images was worth two thousnad pounds, but said that he would sell them back for the 'knock-down' price of twenty grand. Sounds like a bargain, frankly. The blackmailer was caught when an undercover police officer posed as a lawyer. Surveillance officers then followed Sebastian Bennett on foot for more than a mile to his flat in North Kensington, where he was nabbed by the bobbies. Hopefulyl, that was just as painful as it sounds. Evidence found included a copy of a letter sent to the celebrity the previous day, car keys stolen in the burglary and a computer containing copies of the stolen images. Bennett claimed that the items belonged to 'one of his friends' who regularly visited the flat. However, he could not provide their full names, addresses or telephone numbers. On Monday, Bennett, an unemployed fitness fanatic, was convicted of blackmail and handling stolen goods at Isleworth Crown Court. He will be sentenced in court on Friday.

And finally for today, the first in what I hope will be a recurring series; Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day: A tiny remind, dear blog reader, of a time when seven inches of black plastic could, quite literally, rock your world. Number one (in an irregular series of 'as many as I feel like until I get bored with it'): 'We've been asked to speak politics to you today-ah!' Those was the days. All rock and roll, dear blog reader, should be as loud, dumb, manic and funny as this. 'Eddie's tammy/Stanley's chamois!' And here they are, live at the Marquee.

Dance Stance!

Regular listeners to yer Keith Telly Topping's Top TV Tips slot on t'radio might just have noticed earlier this week that yer Keith Telly Topping's lovely oppo - the broadcasting legend that is Si Logan - came up with a statement to the effect that when yer Keith Telly Topping gets enthusiastic about a television show, he is sometimes in danger of 'forcing people to like what he likes.' That's actually very true. Guilty as charged. I did, however, have to remind Si yesterday morning that, effectively, he'd just given out a pretty perfect job description for the occupation of TV reviewer! So this, dear blog reader, is one occasion where I can - with complete honesty - say to you all, hand on heart, 'Hey man, it's ma job!'

On Monday evening, the regular [spooks]-versus-Whitechapel ratings battle finally reached its climax with the BBC's espionage thriller series overtaking ITV's - by now rather tired-looking - three-part crime drama serial by around three hundred thousand viewers according to overnight figures. [spooks] had an audience of 5.1m. Whitechapel, meanwhile, achieved 4.8m. Given that Whitechapel's average audience last year was over seven-and-a-half million and [spooks] was getting audiences of under five million, that turn around has to be seen as one of the greatest comebacks since Lazarus. The fact that [spooks] has been really very good indeed this year, and Whitechapel a bit more ... 'meh' isn't, entirely, unrelated to these overnights. Some of the acting in the latter - from really rather decent actors, an'all, like Peter Serafinowicz and Steve Pemberton - has, at times, verged on the scenery-chewing. Maybe Phil Davis was right, the only reason last year's trilogy got such huge rating figures was because it had a captive audience because it coincided with that really cold spell when most of the country was under a foot of snow. Albeit, it should be noted that Whitechapel has been scoring quite well this year on consolidated ratings figures which also take into account people who have recorded TV shows to watch later (an average of a million plus per episode for the first two). Which suggests that, seemingly, a chunk of the audience is watching [spooks] live at the same time as recording Whitechapel. Certainly they would appear to be two dramas with a, broadly, similar audience. So, a third series for Chandler, Miles and their boys is not, entirely, out of the question if they can come up with another crime associated with East London. The invention of jellied eels, possibly? Or, as the last scene between Chandler and Anderson suggested, perhaps further afield. Monday was a good night, also, for BBC2 - particularly the 8pm to 9pm hour where both University Challenge and MasterChef: The Professionals topped three million viewers. However, Monday also saw a new audience low for Daybreak of, get this, just five hundred and ninety thousand. Oh dear. How sad. Never mind.

Whilst [spooks] and Whitechapel were going toe-to-toe on Monday night, over on BBC4, the final part of Mark Gatiss's excellent A History of Horror maintained its audience with four hundred and fifty eighty thousand viewers at 9pm. A further one hundred and forty thousand viewers - including this blogger as it happens - watched the midnight repeat. Personally, yer Keith Telly Topping thought Monday night's episode, focusing on a number of disparate American movies that Mark admired starting with Psycho and ending with Halloween - was the weakest of the three. It had less of an obvious central theme than the previous two and seems more scatter gun in its approach. But, for all that it was still a highly watchable, authoritative and genuinely enthusiastic look at a subject Mark clearly has a deep affection for. Impressive stuff all round. The guy's a star and it's lovely to see the BBC seeming to have realised that all of a sudden, if they didn't already.

And, speaking of consolidated ratings figures, dear blog reader, because I know how much you love those, here's the Top Twenty programmes for week ending 17 October 2010:
1 The X Factor - ITV - 14.32 million*
2 EastEnders - BBC1 - 10.35 million
3 Strictly Come Dancing - BBC1 - 10.13 million*
4 Coronation Street - ITV - 9.97 million*
5 Downton Abbey - ITV - 9.70 million*
6 The Apprentice - BBC1 - 8.63 million*
7 New Tricks - BBC1 - 7.67 million
8 Emmerdale - ITV - 7.32 million
9 Countryfile - BBC1 - 6.92 million*
10 Whitechapel - ITV - 6.71 million
11 Merlin - BBC1 - 6.40 million
12 [spooks] - BBC1 - 6.37 million
13 International Football: England vs Montenegro - ITV - 6.20 million*
14 Holby City - BBC1 - 5.77 million
15 Have I Got News For You - BBC1 - 5.70 million
16 Antiques Roadshow - BBC1 - 5.64 million*
17 Single Father - BBC1 - 5.51 million*
18 Midsomer Murders - ITV - 5.45 million
19 Harry Hill's TV Burp - ITV - 5.42 million
20 Ten O'Clock News - BBC1 - 5.34 million
Those programmes marked with an asterisk include HD figures. Main thing to draw your attention to here, look at Merlin! Given the opposition, that's an extraordinary figure.

Just occasionally you can get pointed in the direction of something really rather wonderful on the Internet. Something that isn't spurious rumours or pornography, that is. And so it was for yer Keith Telly Topping this week when his good friend Cameron provided him with this link. A fifteen minute segment from the CBS nightly show 60 Minutes in which their reporter, Steve Kroft introduces, mainstream America to Top Gear via interviews with Jezza, Hamster, Cap'n Slow and Andy Wilman. And, they get it, that's the brilliant thing. The Americans actually understand what the show is about, something which the Gruniad Morning Star and the Daily Scum Mail between them have never managed. As Kroft notes: 'Part reality show, part buddy movie, part Monty Python.' My God, an America who understands irony. Whatever next?

And then, there's this. My thanks to Ian Robinson for pointing me in the direction of it, the clearly disgustingly talented Darren Dutton for making it, Stephen Fry for simply existing and Wagner. For ... you know, stuff.

And, still on the subject of the Gruniad Morning Star and really fast cars, according to a rather sickeningly gleeful report from one of the paper's many Communist wretches two hundred and seventy three people complained to BBC after Sunday's delayed Korean Grand Prix was moved, mid-race, from BBC1 to BBC2. And, of course, the Gruniad Morning Star just loved that, so they did. Pure gave them a collective Raging Horn of massive proportions. Many of those contacting the BBC said that they had recorded the race to watch later and the move of channel meant they had only recorded half of the race. The delay in the availability of the second half of the race on iPlayer also prompted some complaints. Eleven further comments - as distinct from complaints - had been received by the corporation as From The North discovered when we contacted the BBC press office for confirmation of the accuracy of these figures. And, much as it hurts me to say it, they are accurate. It does make you wonder, rather, what anybody could possibly 'comment' about when contacting the BBC on this subject if it wasn't to complain. 'I note the BBC switched the motor racing from BBC1 to BBC2 mid-race. Jolly well done'? The BBC responded by arguing that the race was repeated 'as live' on BBC1 at 2pm on Sunday, while a highlights programmed aired on BBC3 at 7pm. The corporation further argued that the delay was beyond its control, as torrential rain had held the race's start time back by nearly an hour. When it did start, the safety car had to run on the track until the end of lap seventeen putting events behind schedule still further. In a statement issued to the Gruniad Morning Star, a BBC spokesman stopped just short of asking the impertinent Marxist berks what the hell it had to do with them anyway, but - in a temper that yer Keith Telly Topping certainly wouldn't have managed when speaking to insolent dogs like they - merely said: 'Sunday's Korean Grand Prix was delayed due to extreme weather. The subsequent disruption to the schedule was flagged up to the audience throughout via the commentary and was also made clear again just prior to switching the coverage to BBC2. The race was re-run in full on BBC1 at 2pm and was available on-demand via BBC iPlayer. There was also an hour-long highlights show transmitted at 7pm on BBC3. The BBC is committed to showing all nineteen Grand Prix live and as our flagship channel BBC1 is the natural home for Formula 1. However, the BBC also has a responsibility to reflect a wide range of interests and therefore the decision was taken to switch the F1 coverage to BBC2 until its conclusion.' Oh, but for a final flourish of 'now sod off, you Stalinist!' at the end of that statement. I'd've kissed the spokesman on the mouth, personally, if he had. Live coverage of the race attracted an average of 1.3 million viewers on BBC1 between 6am and 9.30am with a peak of 2.6m at 9:00, while an average of 1.6m tuned-in for the extra hour on BBC2 from 9.30am, peaking at 9:45 with just a fraction under two million viewers. Both of which figures, incidentally, are considerably more than the number of copies the Gruniad Morning Star sells on an average day. A small coincidental detail to consider whenever you read anything that the Gruniad Morning Star has to say on pretty much any subject, dear blog reader.

Christine Bleakley has reportedly been left 'shocked' and 'devastated' after discovering that her face has, apparently, been used in dozens of photoshopped pornographic images. The Daybreak host was alerted to the faked images which, according to the Daily Lies, include the thirty one-year-old naked, dressed in leather and 'having sex' with her co-host, Big Sweaty Adrian Chiles. I have to confess that this blogger did, actually, seek out some of the, ahem, offending items using Google Image. And ... well, let's put it this way, they're certainly more entertaining than the average episode of Daybreak, and that's a fact. A spokesperson for the presenter said: 'We will be looking to try to get these obviously fake images removed as soon as possible.' A 'friend' allegedly added: 'This is a horrible situation for Christine. Things aren't going well for her with Daybreak and then she was alerted to this. At first, she thought it was just a bit of fun but after having a look at what was out there, she was really disgusted. Some of the images are really graphic and what worries her the most is that people actually think this is her.' They continued: 'Christine has never, ever been involved in porn, she is just not that sort of girl.'

Strictly Come Dancing producers apparently want Ann Widdecombe to begin her next performance by entering on a horse. Personally, I don't think that's any way to describe Anton Du Beke, but I seem to be in a minority of one there so I'll drop the objection. This is all according to the Sun however. So, you know, caution. The tabloid alleges that the opening is being planned to top last week's escapade, which saw the former Conservative MP making her entrance on a high-wire. The paper suggests that 'bosses' (or, producers as normal people who can use words of more than two syllables call them) initially wanted to use an elephant but had to change their plans due to health and safety concerns. If the sixty three-year-old is unhappy with the suggestion, she may be carried onto the dance floor on a throne by several semi-clad male dancers wearing only thongs instead. No, not the thong bit - yer Keith Telly Topping just made that up, dear blog reader. You know, for a laugh. Unlike the rest of the story, which the Sun just made up. Allegedly. The tabloid claims that a 'source' told them: 'It would be great for her to ride in. It depends what she is up for doing. Ann is very strong-minded.' Widdecombe, meanwhile, is said to have insisted that she will not quit the BBC programme as John Sergeant did in 2008. 'I will not be doing a John,' she is reported to have said. 'I think what he did was rude, to be honest,' she said. 'I will be there until people want to see the back of me.' Actually, I think you'll find that John wasn't 'being rude' when he left the competition. Exactly the opposite, in fact. Rather he was being honest enough to know that viewers were voting for him for completely the wrong reason. To know that this was, after all, a dancing competition and that there was a very real danger of much better dancers than he being eliminated because the public were doing anything they could just to piss off the judges. I can see how you, a former Tory minister, might have a bit of difficulty understanding concepts like honesty and integrity, of course. Fully understand. I'm also indebted to my friend Tom for the following words of wisdom on the subject of Ms Widdecombe and her contributions to this year's Strictly: 'It seems that Widdecombe has reversed the trend of these reality shows. Whilst yer standard BGT-spotlight-machines magnifies and distorts its dumb, dull, but essentially harmless, contestant into becoming monsters, Strictly has taken a monster and distorted her into a human being.' Interesting theory. Completely wrong, of course, but interesting none the less!

Belle Amie have 'rubbished' tabloid reports that they rowed backstage over who got to wear the sexiest outfit on last weekend's X Factor. The girl band, who were in the bottom three acts in week two, were accused of squabbling backstage over lines in their song and about who got to wear which costume. A 'source' allegedly told the Mirror that Sophia Wardman had been heard saying, 'I don't want people to say, "Oh, she's pretty, don't make her sing, let's just look at her."' Speaking about the reports on Twitter, Wardman said: 'Ha, ha, love the papers saying we're fighting over the sexiest outfit? I suggested going out in flat shoes!' Geneva Lane, Rebecca Creighton, Esther Campbell and Wardman - at least one of whom yer Keith Telly Topping is pretty sure is a bloke - took control of their song choice last week, opting to sing 'I'll Stand By You' and work without the help of their supposed mentor Simon Cowell.

Meanwhile Professor David Wilson has attacked Simon Cowell and The X Factor, describing it as 'a circus.' Criminologist, author and broadcaster Wilson was a former advisor on Big Brother so, he's got sod-all right to criticise anybody over pretty much anything. Although to be fair to the lad he does hate Trinny and Susannah. So, you know, more power to his elbow, frankly. As well as being an award winning criminologist and media commentator, Wilson has frequently spoken out against reality TV in the past and has now branded the ITV series 'cynically manipulated.' Which, hell yes it is. I think, David, that's the main reason why so many people watch the damn thing in this first. Your stance is that, if I understand you correctly, that's not a very healthy thing. And, I kind of agree with you, and I'm sure lots of other people do too. But that isn't going to stop thirteen million people - not all of whom, I can assure you, are dribbling, numskull scum from the council estates - from tuning in next Saturday. So, you know, why worry? Writing in the Daily Scum Mail, Wilson said: 'Everything now seems utterly contrived: from the countless sob stories of the contestants to the phoney feuds between the judges; from the overtly sexual dancing we saw on Saturday to the fact that judge Cheryl Cole mimed at least parts of the song she sang on Sunday. The programme has descended into a grotesque puppet show, with Cowell acting as the cynical puppeteer, pulling the strings of the contestants and the heartstrings of the viewers.' It's descending into that? It's always been exactly that, pal. Again, that's largely why people watch it. Where the hell have you been for that last seven years? Oh yes, I forgot, 'advising' Big Brother. How very arch. He continued: 'In its decline in integrity, The X Factor is all too reminiscent of Big Brother, the smash-hit reality TV show which has finally been taken off the air after its slide into self-parody. Any pretence of "reality" in Big Brother soon evaporated as the show became little more than a parade of shallow, celebrity-fixated exhibitionists.' Yeah. And? 'What began [on X Factor] as an uplifting search for genuine talent has been turned into a gigantic exercise in deceit and exploitation.' Suggesting that the programme was having a negative effect on society, he added: 'There is also an absurd amount of histrionic self-regard among contestants, such as when we hear some seventeen-year-old proclaiming: "I've been fighting for this all my life," as if preparing for the D-Day landings.' I'm sure there's a point to all of this stating-the-bleeding-obvious somewhere but, I fell asleep long before I got to the end of the article. Dear blog readers are advised to give it a go themselves and see if they get any further. Personally, I think it's an exercise in David Wilson himself feeling morally superior to everyone involved in the production and viewing of The X Factor. Which, again, may well be true but is it, in and of itself, healthy?

A collection of Ivor the Engine episodes which have not been seen since the 1960s have been unearthed in Kent. The twenty four reels were found at the back of the converted pigshed in Blean, where Peter Firmin and the late Oliver Postgate created their much-loved childrens films for television. Postgate and Firmin were also behind other favourites including Bagpuss, Clangers and Pogles' Wood. Postgate's son, Dan, said the episodes could be released on DVD once they had been converted into a digital format. He said the black and white episodes were discovered by an agency which was digitising his father's old films. He added: 'My dad stored some of the old 16mm film in cans in an outbuilding on Peter Firmin's farm. They were stacked at the back of the shed in a store area. 'Kaleidoscope took away the cans and reported back that there were a lot of old black and white Ivor the Engine episodes. They haven't been seen since 1969. Most were remade in colour later but these are the raw originals.' He said: 'They will be of interest to a certain number of people as they have a particular wistful quality to them.' The last full length story of the little Welsh engine and his driver, Jones The Steam, was made in 1977. The cartoon and its tales of characters like Dai Station, Owen The Signal, Evans The Song and Idris The Dragon first appeared on television in 1959 and was then revamped for the BBC in the mid-1970s. Ivor reappeared on Welsh TV screens in 2004 to promote the former BBC Wales digital channel 2W. In December 2009 Dan Postgate announced that he planned to write a new Ivor the Engine story to raise money for charity.

A TV series based on the classic gangster movie Goodfellas has been confirmed after months of rumours. Nicholas Pileggi - author of Wiseguy, the original book on which Goodfellas is based - and director Martin Scorsese are said to be involved in planning the TV series, which will be a prequel to the movie. The series is likely to be based on the early life of Henry Hill, the character played by Ray Liotta in the original film. Pileggi told Culture magazine: 'I want to do it, Marty wants to do it, Warner Bros wants to do it. Of course, you can't pick up from Goodfellas, since we murdered everybody, or rather, everybody was murdered! There's nobody left. But I think we're going to figure out a way to do the early years - sort of a prequel.' One which will, hopefully, if you will, 'amuuuuse you!' Heh. Thang you, thang you, I'm here all week.

James Marsters has signed up to return to Hawaii Five-0. The actor appeared in the show's pilot as Victor Hesse, the man who murdered Steve McGarrett's father. Hawaii Five-0's executive producer Peter Lenkov has now told TV Guide that Hesse will return in the show's Christmas episode. He added that Hesse will have links to the notorious villain Wo Fat, who appeared in the original Hawaii Five-O series. 'There's buzz about Tia Carrere being Wo Fat,' Lenkov said. 'But we do have a man in mind.' And, just that one mention of James Marsters should ensure that From The North gets a couple of hundred more hits than usual today. That boy's certainly got an active fanbase. Hi, girls! Meanwhile the latest episode of the series - Ko'olauloa - played some cunning intertextual games in an episode full of old movie references in a story about the assassination of a surfer. You just kind-of knew it was going to be a fun episode when McGarrett told a minor character 'Danno don't surf!'

Al Murray might have spent much of his career reinforcing German stereotypes – actually, come to think, there's no might about it! - but now the man behind the Pub Landlord is to take a look at the real Germany in a two-part BBC4 documentary, Al Murray's German Adventure. The programme will look at the influence of the nation on arts, culture and thinking in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, including Bach, Bauhaus and the Brothers Grimm. Murray – an Oxford history graduate, of course, before turning to comedy – said: 'I've gone far back in history and discovered a nation of dreamers whose golden age struck Europe like a beam of light. But we give Germany no credit for this because of what happened afterwards, when the dreams changed to dreams of conquest and German culture, as well as and our view of it, was hijacked by the Nazis. Now more than sixty years later it's time to return this culture back to Germany and look at the country afresh.'

ITV is reportedly close to following the BBC by moving its North West operations to the new MediaCity:UK complex at Salford Quays. Over the weekend, a report in the Independent claimed that the broadcaster was coming to the end of protracted negotiations with MediaCity developer Peel Holdings about the move. It is understood that the deal, which is being negotiated personally by ITV chief executive Adam Crozier, will involve ITV getting a purpose-built studio facility to produce its shows. That will include flagship soap opera Coronation Street making the move from its long-running outdoor set at Quay Studios in central Manchester. At MediaCity: UK, ITV will also share some production space with the BBC and other broadcasters that are gathering at the emerging media hub. In June, it was reported that ITV was still undecided about the move to MediaCity, despite widespread calls for it to do so from the industry. However, the broadcaster is understood to have now been persuaded by the prospect of state-of-the-art production facilities at Salford Quays. ITV is also thought to be interested in cutting its operational costs by consolidating back-office operations in the North West, while also bringing together its technology and studio facilities. Sources close to the deal claim that talks have gathered pace since Crozier and John Whittaker, the founder of Peel Holdings, got involved in the process. It is thought that an agreement could now be just weeks away from completion. Should ITV make the move to MediaCity, it is expected that the broadcaster will retain its Quay Street studio facilities for the medium-term, but it could sell them at a later date. A spokesman for ITV said: 'We are examining a number of options regarding ITV's Manchester base to ensure that we have a fit-for-purpose production complex in the North West.'

The BBC has reportedly cancelled 101 Ways To Leave A Gameshow. Or, as it'll now perhaps be known, 102, If You Just Bugger Off And Don't Come Back. The series saw all of the unsuccessful contestants eliminated in a variety of different ways and yet was still about as entertaining a good hard kick in a knackers on a bone-chilling day. The Sun claims that BBC executives decided to knife the show in the bladder because they were unhappy with the pathetic ratings that it attracted. The show began its six week run with an audience of over four million and ended it with less than two and a half million. However, television producers are reportedly still hoping to work with the programme's presenter, Steve Jones. 'The show was Steve's first major prime time Saturday night outing by himself and it hasn't worked out,' a 'source' allegedly explained. 'But executives still rate him.'

The successor to the outgoing BBC Trust chairman Sir Michael Lyons will have to accept a pay cut of twenty one thousand smackers as part of the government's cost-saving drive, it has emerged. Lack of culture secretary, the vile Jeremy Hunt has now started the search for a new chairman for the BBC's governing body, with adverts placed in selected national newspapers. I'll do it, Jezza. The post is being advertised at one hundred and ten thousand pounds for a three-to-four day working week, sixteen per cent less than the one hundred and thirty one thousand pounds currently earned by Lyons, who steps down next May. I'll do it, Jezza. I'll do it for ninety grand a year and a British Rail season ticket. I'm a licence fee payer, I'm just what you need. Honest. The job advert, posted by the Department for Culture, Media and Sport, places a closing date of 12 November for applications with interviews scheduled for 27 and 28 January. I'll do it, Jeremy. Keith Telly Topping's yer man. Straight up. The advert calls for 'excellent leadership skills and ability to chair effectively at senior board level.' Yeah, I can do that. 'Shut the hell up and listen to me!' See. Dead easy. It also required 'a commitment to effective financial stewardship and ability to ensure value for money is achieved.' Err... sure. Why not. I could do that. According to reports, candidates in the running include Tesco chief Sir Terry Leahy, former Marks & Spencer boss Sir Stuart Rose and YouGov chairman Roger Parry. I'd be better at the job than any of them, Jeremy. And certainly cheaper. Come and get me. Mine would be a glorious - and only marginally unbenevolent, harsh and cruel - leadership.

Mark Gatiss has confirmed that Martin Freeman's role in The Hobbit will not affect the production of Sherlock. It was previously widely reported - seemingly by people who didn't know what they were talking about - that Freeman had initially turned down the part of Bilbo Baggins in order to film a second series of the detective drama. However, it was later announced that the actor would, indeed, star in the Tolkien adaptation. Gatiss wrote on his Twitter account: 'Huge congratulations to the brilliant Martin Freeman on becoming Bilbo Baggins! No change to Sherlock schedule, I'm glad to say.' It was rumoured last month that New Line and MGM had revised the filming schedule for The Hobbit to allow Freeman to participate in both projects although this has yet to be confirmed by anybody who does know what they're talking about.

Channel 4's documentary Britain's Islamic Republic, which attracted more than one thousand complaints and was described as 'a dirty little programme' by former MP and mouthy gobshite George Galloway - seen left, during the highlight of his career - has been cleared by Ofcom. Steve Boulton Productions made the Dispatches investigation into 'a fundamentalist Muslim group,' which attracted two hundred and five complaints to the regulator and more than eight hundred to the broadcaster. It was fronted by investigative reporter Andrew Gilligan and claimed that the Islamic Forum of Europe had infiltrated the Labour party and the Respect party and was exerting influence over Tower Hamlets Council in London. It also probed Galloway's relationship with the IFE and included secretly filmed footage taken in the East London Mosque, the London Muslim Centre and the studios of IFE radio show Easy Talk. The documentary was broadcast in March and was described by Galloway as 'another camera-up-the-jumper film' from 'the tiresome and fevered' current affairs strand. Ofcom investigated the film against four criteria of its Broadcasting Code, but found it had not broken any of the rules. It said the documentary was 'clearly part of Channel 4's distinct public service remit' and that it made clear its allegations related to the IFE only and were not representative of all Muslims. The programme also represented the views of the IFE in response to the allegations, Ofcom said, and there was no evidence that its audience was materially misled.

ABC has reportedly cancelled its freshman drama The Whole Truth. The legal series starred Maura Tierney and Rob Morrow. Entertainment Weekly says that the show has been axed following poor initial ratings. The programme's co-executive producer Kristie Anne Reed reportedly confirmed the news on Twitter, saying: 'ABC gave us the word. We will only make thirteen episodes of The Whole Truth.' She added: 'We're still filming and will be until mid-December. Thanks for your support.' The Whole Truth is the fourth new series to be cancelled this season. ABC has also cancelled My Generation, while NBC dropped Outlaw and FOX decided to punish the failure of Lone Star.

Living is to be renamed Sky Living and will be positioned next to Sky1 and forthcoming HBO channel Sky Atlantic on the satellite broadcaster's EPG. Sky's two new channels will go out on slots one hundred and seven and one hundred and eight, adjacent to Sky1's existing one hundred and six position as the broadcaster pushes its profile as an entertainment provider. The two slots are currently occupied by Sky2 and Sky3. Living is pushed up the EPG from its current position at one hundred and twelve, following Sky's go-ahead to purchase the Virgin Media channels from the Office of Fair Trading in September. In October, Sky announced the exclusive HBO shows such as Boardwalk Empire and Game Of Thrones will be aired via a dedicated channel, Sky Atlantic, from early 2011. All three are available as part of Sky's basic entertainment package. Sky managing director of entertainment, news and broadcast operations Sophie Turner Laing said that she wanted to place stand-out content at the heart of the broadcaster's strategy. 'Taken together, these channels will have real cut through,' she said. I'm not, enitrely, sure what that means or if it even qualifies as English, dear blog reader but, never mind. 'Quite simply, they will be channels worth paying for and will give even more customers reasons to choose pay TV,' she added.

A BBC programme has been censured after a report about music file-sharing was found to contain inaccuracies. UK Music, which represents the music industry, complained about a segment on BBC2's The Culture Show looking at a new law intended to tackle piracy. The report was fronted by the comedian Mark Thomas and broadcast in February. The BBC Trust agreed that two points were factually wrong and has upheld part of the complaint. But it rejected a claim that the report was biased. The ten-minute report examined the powers the Digital Economy Bill would give authorities to crack down on unauthorised file-sharing. The Bill was going through Parliament at the time. UK Music chief executive Feargal Sharkey - former lead singer of The Undertones - said the show's interpretation was 'grossly misleading and inaccurate' as well as being biased. In the BBC Trust's findings, the corporation's governing body agreed that one section about how perpetrators could have their Internet accounts cut off 'had not been sufficiently precise and had been inaccurate.' It also ruled that a claim about the Secretary of State's powers to amend the law without proper scrutiny 'had not retained a respect for factual accuracy.' But, the Trust found that the show had not knowingly misled the audience and decided that two further claims of inaccuracy were, in themselves, not inaccurate. It also accepted that Thomas had 'expressed strong personal opinions,' but ruled that views from all sides of the debate had been reflected and 'bias on a controversial subject had been avoided.' Responding to the ruling, Sharkey said he was 'hugely disappointing' that the statements were broadcast by 'such a trusted voice as the BBC. Although pleased to have our complaint upheld in part we feel that the Editorial Standards Committee should have gone further,' he added. A BBC statement said: 'This report was an attempt to interpret highly complex legislation going through Parliament at that time and it is important for us that the Trust deemed the report to be impartial.'

Paul the Psychic Octopus has reportedly died at the age of two. The cephalopod mollusc gained international fame for supposedly predicting the winner in Germany's seven matches at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Sky News confirmed his passing on Twitter on Tuesday morning: 'Paul the World Cup "psychic" octopus who shot to fame after correctly predicting the outcome of games has died, says his aquarium in Germany.' Paul also correctly 'forecast' that Spain would beat the Netherlands in the tournament's final. Paul made his guesses by choosing a mussel from one of two boxes marked with a flag of the competing nations before each game. Paul was reportedly born in Weymouth in January 2008, but lived in a tank at the Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen, Germany. He first attracted the public's attention by correctly 'predicting' the winner of twelve out of fourteen games at the 2008 European Championships in Austria and Switzerland. However, it was suggested by some that Paul was not the same octopus as the 2008 creature. It was also widely claimed in the media that some German football fans wanted to kill and eat Paul after he correctly 'forecast' the team's defeat to Spain in the 2010 semi-final. Paul retired from predicting football matches in July.

British comic The Dandy is to feature a strip cartoon based on the antics of the comedian Harry Hill. According to writer and artist Nigel Parkinson, the strip is based on a concept by the TV Burp host, who also contributed jokes and oversaw its development. Hill's writing team - led by David Quantick - will script the cartoon in future issues. Also joining perennial favourites such as Desperate Dan and Bananaman are new strips include including characters like Pepperoni Pig, Postman Prat and The Y-Factor. The comic's editor Craig Graham said: 'The Dandy has constantly evolved over its seventy three-year history, but the brand new Dandy is the best and funniest it's ever been. We're providing something quite different to our competitors.'

And, finally, Robbie Williams is to tour with Take That for the first time in sixteen years when the reunited group go on a stadium tour next summer. They have announced initial dates in Sunderland, Manchester, Cardiff, Dublin, Glasgow, Birmingham and London in May, June and July. The opening date will be at Sunderland's Stadium of Light. And, just think, Gary Barlow is going to go on stage and try to keep a straight face whilst singing 'Tonight/could be/the greatest night of our lives.' In Sunderland? I very much effing doubt it, Gazza. You remember what the former Sunderland manager Alan Durban once famously said about entertainment in football grounds, dear blog reader? 'If you want to be entertained, go to the circus and watch the clowns.'