Food For Thought

Let's start off today's latest update, dear blog reader, with some ratings figures. The Top Twenty most watched programmes on British TV for week ending 24 October 2010:

1 The X Factor - ITV- 14.68 million*
2 Strictly Come Dancing - BBC1 - 10.56 million*
3 Coronation Street - ITV- 10.32 million*
4 Eastenders - BBC1 - 10.19 million
5 Downton Abbey - ITV - 9.40 million*
6 Piers Morgan's Life Stories - ITV - 8.15 million*
7 New Tricks - BBC1 - 8.03 million
8 The Apprentice - BBC1 - 8.02 million*
9 Emmerdale - ITV - 7.68 million
10 Countryfile - BBC1 - 7.20 million*
11 Merlin - BBC1 - 6.82 million
12 [spooks] - BBC1 - 6.35 million
13 Whitechapel - ITV - 6.21 million
14 Holby City - BBC1 - 6.06 million
15 Antiques Roadshow - BBC1 - 5.78 million*
16 The Cube - ITV - 5.51 million
17 Harry Hill's TV Burp - ITV - 5.33 million
18 Waterloo Road - BBC1 - 5.32 million*
19 Casualty - BBC1 - 5.18 million
20 Have I Got News For You - BBC1 - 5.16 million
Those shows with an asterisk next to them indicates that the total audience quoted also includes HD figures. There's few surprises here although, do note that [spooks]'s timeshift was in excess of a million viewers this week. That's the sort of figure which, until just a few months ago, nobody apart from Doctor Who (and, occasionally, Top Gear) was getting. Now, it's fairly common place. I've said this before but it bears repeating, the way we now consume TV is changing, dear blog reader. Rapidly.

It was terrific to see Bill Bailey back in the UK and back on TV on The ONE Show last night, taking about his forthcoming six week residency in the West End. Following a sell-out tour of the show in Australia and New Zealand, the comic and musician is to take a residency with his new live show, Dandelion Mind. Having previously performed there with his award-winning live show Part Troll in 2004, Bill will return to London's Wyndhams Theatre on Charing Cross Road on 2 November, where he will perform six shows a week through until 4 December 2010. Featuring Bill's trademark musical interludes, observations and stories of the road, Dandelion Mind will be based, loosely, on the theme of doubt (or, will it?!), as we follow Bill from his real-life saga of being trapped by the ash cloud to his barely contained rants about celebrity, television, creationism and Michael Winner. He demonstrates new instruments, both ancient and modern, he sings an Internet love song about Twitter, a lament about punk heroes, Iranian hip-hop and plays a mean folk-bouzouki. Thomas the Doubter gets a new look, and Darwin's curious obsessions and the myth of intelligent design are all worked over in Bill's own unique and surreal style. He revisits the music of his youth with a brand-new French Disco re-working of Gary Numan's 'Cars,' played in his own inimitable way, and maybe some Wurzels-based remixes of slammin' German techno. Just your normal Bill Bailey gig then.

Annoyingly, there will, again, be no Qi: XL edition for the third Saturday running on 13 November for the episode House and Home because of an evening of Neil Diamond and a Goodies documentary on BBC2. Well, that's just fantastic, that is.

Two years on from the divine Gail Trimble it appears as though University Challenge has found itself yet another freakishly brilliant pin-up babe! Natasha Simonova, the Russian-born, US-raised captain of the Christ's College, Cambridge team who defeated Edinburgh in a very impressive second round match has that same Trimble-like fascination which all smart girls tend to produce in shy, monosyllabic, nervous-around-female-type chaps. Or, so yer Keith Telly Topping understands. Anyway ... I do confidently expect that, sadly, like Gail before her, Natasha (reading English literature) will get a - slightly sinister - degree of attention from the tabloids if Christ's keep winning and more than her fair share of green-eyed insults from a few pond scum inhabiting some of the darker corners of the Internet. All for being cursed with a shade of intelligence. Take absolutely no notice of the glakes, Natasha, and good on yerself for - along with your team mates - reminding us all that knowledge is not only power, but it can be far more than that. Something to actually take pleasure in.

The first part of yer Keith Telly Topping's beloved MasterChef: The Professionals final was a ninety minute orgasm of pure food pornography, dear blog reader! Check out yer Keith Telly Topping's old mucker Mietek's blog for much pictorial evidence of this. The penultimate episode of the series saw the three surviving chefs, Geordie John, Durham David and Big Fat Cuddly Scouse Claire - all of whom come over as decent, likeable, hard-working and talented - facing some of the hardest challenges the show has ever devised. Cooking, as someone once said, doesn't come any tougher than this. Firstly, they were taken to The Langham Hotel, the winner of the 2010 Tea Guild Award for the The Best Afternoon Tea in London. For their first challenge, the three finalists had to match the perfection required in the culinary world's most feared discipline - pastry. Each chef had to recreate one of Pierre's most famous and intricate signature pastries and then to serve them to the man himself. Helping Pierre judge the outcome was the Langham Hotel's head pastry chef, Cherish Finden, and James Petrie, the pastry chef at Heston Blumenthal's three Michelin-starred The Fat Duck. Having survived that (and with Claire emerging as an early leader), they then returned to the Masterchef studio to use their new-found skills and prepare a hopefully elegant trio of desserts for Gregg and Michel to, quite frankly, get The Horn over. Gregg's little face, in particular, was like a kid let loose in a massive cake shop! Particularly when Dave presented him with a banana bread roll-style recipe of his mums devising which he had refined into something really rather special indeed. Then, as if that wasn't enough, the three finalists then travelled to Denmark for a challenge which pushed them to their culinary limits - cooking at Noma. Chef Rene Redzepi has propelled his Nordic foraging-based cuisine to the forefront of international gastronomy. The chefs received a quick master-class in Noma's innovative philosophy, before they each had to prepare a perch dish for Rene himself and his sous chef, Sam. As well as having their performance judged by Rene, the finalists also took charge of the restaurant kitchen and served lunch to a bunch of highly discerning local diners - including, of course, Gregg and Michel. 'I'm not really much of an artist, and that's art,' noted John when he was shown what his starter should look like. 'But, I'll give it a go!' Poor sweaty Dave on the other hand - nervous at the best of times - had a look on his face like he'd just shat in his own pants. There was an amusing moment when Rene told David that the sauce for his main course had to be cooked separately and then added later. 'What, in front of the customer?' asked David, with again that brown-trouser look. 'No, you take it out the back and do it outside. Of course in front of the customer!' said Rene demonstrating an almost Monica Galetti-style sarky wit. But, all three of them came through the experience with their reputations enhanced. 'That may be the most beautiful plate of food I've ever seen,' said Gregg when presented with John's mixed-vegetables starter. Finally, it was back to the studio kitchen again where David, John and Claire had to demonstrate what they had learned from their time in the land of the ice and snow. 'You have two hours to cook two extraordinary, glorious plates of food,' Michel told the three. Claire's two dishes were red mullet, fennel purée and salad with lemongrass broth served on a bed of crab, followed by rump of hogget, lentil ravigote, kidney and sweetbreads, stuffed baby artichokes. The former gave Michel 'a tinging thing in my throat' to such an extent he started wittering on about 'umami.' All that Gregg could managed was 'That was stunning!' in the way that yer Keith Telly Topping does when looking at a poster of Eliza Dushku. Claire's second dish, however, was a bit less successful, mainly because the hogget was slightly undercooked. Claire, needless to say, chose to focus on the negatives and looked close to tears whilst Michel tried his best to convince her that she should be proud of herself. David presented lamb loin with broccoli and wild garlic and then wild salmon, beetroot and sauce vierge and caviar dressing. 'This is how food should be presented at the highest level,' noted Michel, adding, 'it's "that" far away from being a great dish.' John's two dishes were pan-fried scallops with peas, crisp bacon and quails' eggs and roast duck breast with rainbow chard, liver and sausage-meat faggots. And, whaddya know, John buggered up his timings yet again! Running theme for the series, that. But for not shelling the peas on his starter - spotted by Michel - and some presentation issues in the main course, however, he'd had a good day too. 'It tastes great,' noted Gregg. And so the finale is on tonight - another ninety minute extravaganza. If I had to put money on one of them right now, it'd probably be Claire but the race really is too close to call.

Of course, having that on BBC2 between 8:30 and 10pm meant that yer Keith Telly Topping was forced to timeshift [spooks], recording it to watch later. Still, at least I'm not the only one doing that these days, it seems (see above). Of course, typically, it only went and turned out to be another stonking episode. As Lucas is plunged further into the depths of his murky, sordid and - as it turns out - deadly past, the sinister Vaughn takes his manipulations to a who new level. Meanwhile, Ruth is approached and followed by a council official (a terrific guest turn by Trevor Cooper - a long-time favourite of yer Keith Telly Topping ever since his days as Colin Devis in Star Cops in the 1980s) who is convinced that he's stumbled upon a dead drop. She initially keeps her distance from him, but when her curiosity gets the better of her she ends up trapped in a dangerous situation. And, all this goes on as Lucas and Harry come face-to-face in the pursuit of the truth. But, for Lucas what is truth and what is elaborate fantasy. Complete with a trio of outstanding performances by Peter Firth, Richard Armitage and Nicola Walker, this was [spooks] reminding us that it still - even after nine years - has the ability to shock it audience and play manipulative games with their loyalties. And all with a climax suggesting that Lucas really has reached the point of no redemption. 'Lucas North is dead.' Season finale up next. can't wait.

James May has admitted that Top Gear is no longer a show about cars - not that it has been for many years - and appeared to express his frustration that he and his fellow presenters Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond play 'characters' and that the trio's technical expertise is often sacrificed in favour of increasingly calamitous set-ups and challenges. May told the latest issue of Radio Times: 'When I started, Top Gear was a car show about cars.' Which is probably just about true although even then, in 2003, it was already largely a show about three reasonably amiable and a bit useless middle-aged chaps cocking about in cars, which is a necessary difference, I feel. That's, largely, why yer Keith Telly Topping became a fan of it in the first place and I'm sure that's true of millions of other regular viewers. If it was just about cars, we'd've left years ago. 'I was interested in the technology,' continued Cap'n Slow, 'but also the sociology and the artistry of them. The shapes and the colours. That was something I've always been into. But it's a different programme now. It's turned into something else. It's really almost a sitcom now, so we are characters. And when we cock about and everything goes wrong and we laugh about it, sometimes it winds me up. I think, "Oh, for God's sake, can't we do something properly that will work, not that has to catch fire or fall over." But I think I'm probably alone on that.' Not alone, James. You usually find a few grumpy whingers turning up on the comments section whenever the Gruniad Morning Star or the Daily Scum Mail do their latest, plankish 'Top Gear story of the week.' Which, this week will, likely, be this very story. And, indeed, whaddya know? They're usually fat, sweaty blokes with beards in their forties who haven't got a girlfriend. Which would also include yer Keith Telly Topping - albeit, sans beard - but, personally, I prefer Top Gear just the way it is. So, you know, exception that proves the rule and all that. However, as so often with this kind of story it appears that, actually, May's comments have been taken out of context, somewhat. The Radio Times article itself is, actually, and not unexpectedly about James' new series, Man Lab, and how traditional skills that most men could manage with their eyes closed forty or fifty years ago - like changing a plug, putting up shelves and doing a bit of gardening - appear to be on the decline. As the Torygraph notes, May partially blames this trend on 'the culture of being moronic' which grew out of lads' magazines such as Loaded, Nuts and Zoo. At the same time, women, he notes, have become more accomplished. 'I think women are getting a bit bored with blokes being useless. I don't have a worry about women because I keep reading that not only are they better at school, they are now better at parking, better at navigating. We know that women are good at everything.' In Man Lab, James aims to teach men more demanding skills, including how to land an aeroplane and defuse a bomb. In a humorous way. But, crucially, and this is something the Torygraph picked up on which none of the other papers reporting this story seem to have, he actually uses the 'Top Gear is a sitcom now' comment as a way of distancing the show from the previously mentioned 'moronic culture' angle largely because 'it's really almost a sitcom now ... and ultimately we do know what we're talking about.' However, James held up co-presenter Jezza Clarkson as a prime example of a man lacking practical skills. 'He's one of the most hopeless men I've ever met. He bought a pair of binoculars once and I had to attach the next strap for him.' The forty seven-year-old went on to insist that there are occasional flashes of technical expertise on the BBC motoring show, but conceded that the programme would be nowhere near as popular with the audience if the presenters did not play up to their characters. 'Ultimately we do know what we're talking about and we do let that be known occasionally,' he added. 'Very subtly, every now and then, you think, "Actually, they do love their subject and they do know a bit about it."' May concluded: 'If I played the real me with my slightly secretive love of really nerdy things and staring at things for too long, that wouldn't make a very good Top Gear because, well, it would make a very late-night Top Gear for people who were interested in taking cars apart.'

James Nesbitt has been cast in The Hobbit. The forty five-year-old Irish actor, best known for roles in television dramas Cold Feet, Murphy's Law, Occupation and Jekyll, will play the dwarf Bofur in Peter Jackson's two-film adaptation of the classic JRR Tolkien novel. Mind you, he will be playing Bofur with a Belfast accent because, well, that's the only one he can do. In a statement, Jackson said: 'James's charm, warmth and wit are legendary as is his range as an actor in both comedic and dramatic roles. We feel very lucky to be able to welcome him as one of our cast.' Bofur is described as a 'disarmingly forthright, funny and occasionally brave dwarf,' and accompanies Bilbo and Thorin on the Quest of Erebor in the original book. Not Irish, though. It was also announced that newcomer Adam Brown has been cast as fellow dwarf Ori, the part that Bill Bailey had, supposedly, auditioned for. Jackson commented: 'Adam is a wonderfully expressive actor and has a unique screen presence. I look forward to seeing him bring Ori to life.' Nesbitt and Brown join a number of other actors who have previously been confirmed for the project, including Martin Freeman, Richard Armitage, Aidan Turner and Rob Kazinsky. Sylvester McCoy has also declared his involvement.

Downton Abbey scriptwriter Julian Fellowes has defended himself against accusations that he plagiarised plotlines in the hit ITV period drama. Readers of the Daily Telegraph newspaper recently claimed that scenes in the 24 October episode bore a resemblance to parts of the novel Little Women and the 1942 film Mrs Minerva. One viewer described the episode as having 'the finest example of coincidence I have ever heard and seen.' The claims also follow criticisms of the series in the media, which prompted Fellowes to hit out at what he describes as a 'permanent negative slant' towards the show. Something, seemingly, not shared by the vast majority of the nine million people who are watching it ever week - including this blogger, as it happens. Nevertheless, speaking to the the Independent on Sunday, the Oscar-winning screenwriter said: 'All we get is this permanent negative nit-picking from the left. You just want to say "relax!"' hang on. From the left? Where the hell did that come from, matey? I wasn't aware the Torygraph was an organ of Communism? 'It's a show that might not appeal to the left. I mean, why is it that it's the Independent on Sunday ringing me up about this? There are plenty of shows on television I don't like but I don't go on about them.' Well, you just have, but never mind. When it was pointed out to him by a slightly bemused Independent journalist, Matthew Bell, that the series had received criticism for alleged historical inaccuracies from several sources - including the Daily Scum Mail - Fellowes conceded it was not a question of politics. 'You're quite right to pick me up on that,' he said, 'it's perfectly true.' He went on to express bewilderment at a column by the parodist Craig Brown last week, in which he derided Fellowes' interest in the etiquette of whether to tip a soup bowl forwards or backwards and described Fellowes as seeming 'almost laughably socially insecure.' Fellowes did admit that he had read Little Women and seen Mrs Minerva, meaning some of the scenes could have stuck in his mind. 'Who can say what is lodged in one's brain?,' he said. 'I am not conscious of lifting either, but it doesn't mean [the viewers] are wrong.' Since its premiere in September, Downton Abbey has proved a major hit for ITV on Sunday nights. The broadcaster has already commissioned a second series. Despite the success, Fellowes confessed to being left 'depressed' by the criticism, which includes accusations of a string of historical inaccuracies, such as a TV aerial being shown on a house. 'The real problem is with people who are insecure socially, and they think to show how smart they are by picking holes in the programme to promote their own poshness and to show that their knowledge is greater than your knowledge.' The lad's got a point, of course. But then that is, after all, what people pay their TV licence fee for. To watch TV shows and decide whether they like them or they don't. If they don't, it's a bit churlish to call them on it, frankly. They've paid for that right after all. Personally, yer Keith Telly Topping has greatly enjoyed the two episodes of Downton Abbey he's seen so far. If that quality drops, then I'll say so - on this blog - and, to be honest, if Julian Fellowes doesn't like he knows where he can stick his 'depression.'

Philip Schofield has confirmed that ITV have commissioned The Cube for a third series. The game show's second series is currently being broadcast on Sunday nights immediately before The X Factor results show and, last week, it attracted over five million viewers. Answering a viewer's question about another series on Twitter, Schofield responded: 'Brilliant ratings, new series will be recorded in the new year.' The presenter previously revealed that a celebrity edition - featuring Dame Kelly Holmes and TV host Jenni Falconer - will be broadcast on 21 November.

ITV has confirmed that the tenth series of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! will premiere on 14 November. The reality show launch will see another batch of celebrities heading down under and hoping to follow in the footsteps of last year's victor Gino D'Acampo. The network teased that the show's team 'have pulled out all the stops to make sure this is the biggest and baddest series yet.' It was also confirmed that the Ant and Dec-fronted series will be broadcast in HD for the first time.

Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh have clashed over Craig Bellamy for the second time on The Xtra Factor. Walsh goaded his show rival over the loss of his third act in the Groups category, repeating his previous accusation that Cowell has neglected the girlband. Speaking in the judges Q&A session with Konnie Huq, Walsh asked: 'One question Simon, are you sorry that you didn't give them more time? Because you seemed to spend more time on One Direction. If you did it all over again, would you spend more time with Belle Amie?' An angry Cowell responded: 'You lost an act last week didn't you?' Walsh quickly replied: 'You've only got one act left.' Growing more annoyed, Cowell said: 'It's quality not quantity.' However, the Irish music judge persisted with his line of questioning: 'Would you spend more time with the girls?' Cowell answered: 'I'd spend less time with you.' Quality heckle, mate!

In an update from the BBC press office, the excellent Miranda Hart's eponymous sitcom will return to BBC2 on Monday 15 November at 8pm. Episode one of Miranda's second series finds Stevie with her work cut out trying to stop Miranda spending all day in her pyjamas with a packet of biscuits for company since Gary departed for Hong Kong taking with him her last chance of any relationship, no matter how unlikely that was.

The BBC is to celebrate Ronnie Corbett's eightieth birthday with a new one-off show. The comic will appear alongside newer sketch performers in the show, entitled The One Ronnie. Little Britain stars Matt Lucas and David Walliams have been confirmed as guests, while the BBC promises work from 'a selection of the best writers in the business.' The show is being recorded later this month, and is expected to air on BBC1 over Christmas. However, Corbett is not always enamoured of the new generation of comedians – particularly stand-ups. In a recent interview, he said: 'There are many around who do not really have a feel for comedy. They can say outrageous things, have clever thoughts and deliver some funny angles. They are not genuinely funny. They walk on, stand at the microphone, deliver and walk off again. They are not interested in a particular style of performance.'

Producers working on Channel Five shows are alleged to have been asked to avoid using commercial music in their programmes to bring down royalty payments. Money is due to the collection organisation PRS for Music for any public performance of music, whether live or recorded, and from radio and television broadcasts and online. The move is understood to be part of the new Channel Five owner Richard Desmond's move to make cuts of around twenty million pounds from the broadcaster's budget. It also means that viewers will be spared any further series of the wretched Don't Stop Believing. So, you know, bonus. Senior executives have already been culled - not literally, obviously - and voluntary redundancies have lead to between sixty and eighty job losses as part of the cost-cutting drive. One 'source' allegedly told the Gruniad Morning Star: 'People are being asked not to use commercial music on any Channel Five shows as they don't want to pay PRS. All publishing rights have to be assigned to Channel Five.' Another 'source' added: 'It makes things rather difficult for us.' However, a Channel Five spokeswoman denied that the broadcaster was trying to avoid paying PRS for Music: 'Channel Five plan to commission more original music as they have excellent contacts in the creative industry. There are no plans to avoid the use of commercial music entirely and it is not a case of not wanting to pay PRS for Music.' In addition, the newspaper alleges that 'new rules' have been imposed by Desmond's Northern & Shell, which have led to a sixty-day hold up on many payments to Channel Five suppliers. Last week, as widely reported, Northern & Shell paid an outstanding bill of nearly one million pounds to Shine for Don't Stop Believing. Shine had threatened to take legal action after the payment was delayed. It is understood that some Northern & Shell staff have also been asking independent production companies about the possibility of DVDs of Channel Five shows being cover-mounted on its newspapers as part of production deals. One 'source' allegedly claimed that in some instances Northern & Shell was not offering extra money for the cross-promotion. Channel Five and Sky News are also in discussions about a replacement for the newsreader Natasha Kaplinsky. It is expected that Matt Barbet, the former BBC newsreader who has been proved a success for Channel Five, will front one of the channel's news bulletins, while the other will be fronted by a new female presenter. The Gruniad suggests that a number of 'glamorous' women have been suggested by Channel Five as news and weather presenters. But Sky News wants to ensure news credentials are not compromised. One source claimed: 'Channel Five seems keen to hire someone glamorous. Put it like this, they're not after a seasoned war reporter. Unless they look like Jordan of course.'

More than a quarter of British people believe that watching TV is among the most important ways to socialise with loved ones, according to new research. A YouGov survey for the British Video Association found that twenty six per cent of people consider watching TV or Blu-ray discs with friends or family to be an important social interaction. The research also revealed that seventy three per cent of the two thousand respondents surveyed now spend between one and six hours every day enjoying home entertainment. Half of those questioned said that they have invested in technology for their living room in the last two years to achieve a 'home cinema' experience. That included twenty eight per cent purchasing a high definition television set, twenty per cent buying a games console and seventeen per cent subscribing to a cable or satellite HD TV service. Among those who made the investment, twenty seven per cent said that they did so for the superior sound and picture quality, while ten per cent felt that it is cheaper than going out. 'Improvements in home entertainment technology over the last few years have increased the appeal of that cinema experience in our own living rooms,' said BVA director general Lavania Carey. 'With the World Cup earlier this year also giving HDTV a big boost, we expect to see more people than ever staying at home to enjoy HD, 3D and Blu-ray as a way to beat the winter blues.' According to research recently published by Ofcom, UK viewers watched an average of three hours and forty five minutes of television every day in 2009, up by around three per cent on figures in 2004.

And, finally for today the latest splurge of yer Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. This one is, actually, the first record yer Keith Telly Topping ever actually went out and bought with his own money. From JG Windows in the Central Arcade when I was eight. And, you know what, I still stand by this one. 'Meanwhile/I was still thinkin'...' Here's Marc - complete with pink loon pants - doin' the business on Top Of The Pops. Note, also, Elton John's appearance on paino.

If You're Supposed To Be So Angry, Why Not Fight? Let Me Benefit From Your Right

The bakers friend, so he is, Eamonn Holmes has reportedly criticised reality television shows and their presenters. The Sky News Sunrise presenter, someone never short of an opinion on anything, especially himself, 'branded' - that's tabloid-speak for 'called' - Strictly Come Dancing (which isn't, actually, a reality show, it's a talent contest) 'sad' and called The Apprentice 'poisonous,' the Sun reports. Which may well be true but, coming from Eamonn Holmes that's a bit like a member of Atomic Kitten having a go at The Sugarbabes. 'These days, our big shared television moments, our state events, are The X Factor and Strictly,' he said. 'Those are the only events families can talk about, which I do find sad. I would rather have my fingernails ripped out than watch Strictly.' Holmes, who also presents ITV's This Morning with his wife, Ruth Langsford, went on to criticise The Apprentice for promoting 'greed.' Which, coming from a man who appears to eat as much as he does is, frankly, a bit rich. And, all of this, remember, from the presenter of This Morning, a TV programme on which a mostly brain-dead audience can win a number of 'great' prizes just by ringing in an answering a simple question that you'd have to be a single-cell amoeba to get wrong. 'I'd hate to think my children could be as poisoned, ruthless and blinkered as the fools on that programme,' he said. 'I think this idolisation we have of business people is wrong. In society we have envy everywhere. Meanness is a trait I despise. That's what I see in The Apprentice. It promotes evilness and greed.' Holmes also claimed that presenters of reality TV shows lack the experience to conduct interviews because they are not trained journalists. 'When I started I wanted to be Des Lynam,' he said. 'The trouble is there are no more Des Lynams.' Well, apart from Des Lynam, obviously. 'We don't hire presenters trained in journalism, as I was, because we want X Factor reality TV people.' So, somebody who presents an ITV show has criticised The X Factor? I admire your pluck, Eamonn me old barrel of lard. Now, how long do you think it'll be before Cowell gets you alone in the lift and rips out yer throat?

As if to both prove a point and spit in old Eamonn chubby face, Saturday night was another bumper night for TV ratings with X Factor almost hitting fourteen million viewers, Strictly pulling in over ten million, Downton Abbey maintaining its audience with 8.8m and Countryfile's Autumn Special drawing an astonishing 8.1m. On BBC2 James May's Man Lab got off to a good start with two million viewers (bang on the slot's average). In the afternoon, the Glory Boys of English Football's clash with Them Lot From Wearside was watched by almost 1.2m viewers on Sky Sports 1, something which was also reflected in the 2.7m who watched the BBC's Match of the Day 2 in the evening. Channel 4 also had reason to celebrate with Secret Millionaire pulling in more than two million. In fact, the big loser of the night was Sky 1 which saw the audiences for both the second thorne adaptation, scaredycat and House drop over a hundred thousand each from last week.

Danny Baker, the broadcaster, writer, TV presenter, wit and a particular favourite of yer Keith Telly Topping, has disclosed that he is to undergo chemotherapy for cancer. The fifty three-year-old Radio 5Live host told fans the news through a statement on Facebook, apologising for 'the cloak and d. over recent weeks.' Danny, who also presents a show on BBC London, said that he was beginning treatment today and would be presenting his shows 'sparingly.' Explaining his absence from his regular Saturday show, Baker said: 'As it appears this is going to continue for the forseeable I really ought to offer up some sort of breadcrumbs trail as to what's going on. (As you know I am queasy about introducing vulgar real life on to the vaudeville stage so let's keep this crisp.)' He went on: 'After a pretty mouldy diagnosis about a month back, I finally begin chemotherapy on Monday with further radiotherapy from January. Once the quacks have soundly thrashed this thing I shall return like a rare gas and as if out of a trap. In the mean time I am watching Tommy Steele box sets and urge you to keep yakking up a storm and laugh extra loud at the incumbents.' When contacted by the Gruniad, Dan'ss agent would not reveal what type of cancer he has been diagnosed with, but said: 'He is in great spirits and doing really well.' Danny ends his message on Facebook positively by thanking all those who sent in best wishes after suspecting 'as much about my "condition."' He added: 'By all means keep ringing up Baylen [Leonard] and Amy [Lamé] to demand more and more Atomic Rooster and Spooky Tooth records. Manly handshake. Walk right on. In the words of King George, "What what and there it is."' Adrian Van Klaveren, controller of BBC Radio 5Live, said that Danny would be 'presenting some weeks but not others. I know this will come as quite a shock,' he said, 'but as you can see from his message, he's in good spirits.' Born in Deptford in 1957, Danny has led a varied career beginning as a - superbly, and funny - music journalist with the NME in the late 1970s after working in a record shop and starting the seminal punk fanzine Sniffin' Glue with Mark Perry the previous year. He began his radio career at GLR in 1989 and since then has worked on Radio 1 and Radio 2 and presented The Danny Baker Show on 5Live as well as the groundbreaking fans forum 6-0-6. Danny first came to public attention on TV when he worked as a reporter on the LWT programme The Six O'Clock Show. He also had his own BBC Saturday night chat show, Danny Baker After All which imported the format of Late Night with David Letterman. Sadly, despite being very entertaining, it didn't attract the mainstream audience the slot demanded and was cancelled. Instead Dan found his forte writing much of the material for his friend Chris Evans' award-winning TFI Friday. He's starred in a number of TV shows, including Win, Lose or Draw and Pets Win Prizes as well as regular guest appearances on shows like Have I Got News For You and Qi. Everyone at From The North sends Dan The Man our best wishes for a speedy recovery.

The Conservative peer Lord Fowler has said the validity of the BBC's royal charter has been called into question by last month's six-year freeze of the licence fee and deal over transferring the costs of the World Service. Fowler, the former chairman of the Lords communications committee, added that parliament might be a better guardian of the independence of the BBC, including its financing, 'than an arrangement which is so much in the hands of ministers of the government in power.' Now, why the hell didn't Fowlpest talk common sense like this when he was in Thatcher's cabinet? His intervention is, the Gruniad Morning Star notes, part of a rising tide of concern over the various implications of the BBC funding deal – announced as part of the 20 October comprehensive spending review – as the details are digested. In a letter published on Saturday in the Financial Times, Fowler said that the Commons and Lords committees responsible for the media have argued that the BBC should be placed on a statutory basis by act of parliament, which could periodically review the corporation's services and funding. 'The reply of the last government was that the charter arrangement gave the BBC certainty for a period of ten years. That seems an entirely unsustainable argument today. The last two weeks have seen a six-year freeze on the licence fee and the cost of the World Service transferred to the BBC,' Fowler wrote. 'Apparently the BBC only narrowly avoided having the cost of free television licences for the over-seventy fives also being added. There can be no doubt that the BBC's terms of reference have been profoundly changed. Parliament, who most nearly represent licence fee payers, will have no say in these new arrangements. It is a deal between government and the BBC.' The Voice of the Listener & Viewer consumer group has also roundly criticised the hastily negotiated deal and said it intends to probe the implications in public meetings. Jeremy Hunt, the culture secretary, cancelled a scheduled meeting with VLV members last week, because he was travelling to America at the request of the Prime Minister and, not at all, because he was scared of facing them. Oh no.

Arlene Phillips who is, as we all know, not in the least bit bitter and twisted about having been sacked by Strictly Come Dancing, has criticised her replacement - the younger, prettier - Alesha Dixon's decision to award full marks to Kara Tointon on this week's show. Dixon gave Tointon and partner Artem Chigvintsev the first ten of the current series for their paso doble on Saturday night's show. Phillips disagreed with Dixon's mark and claimed, loudly, to the Sun that Tointon had 'not quite mastered' the technique of the dance. As if anybody effing-well cares what she thinks. Yesterday's woman. Phillips said: 'I don't think [Kara and Artem] deserved that ten from Alesha. I'm with the other judges. They definitely deserved a nine because that was a very strong paso. For me anyone who gets a ten has to be able to master the technique, not as if they are a professional but showing they have understood every moment of technique that goes into the dance. The driving off the heels, the stance, the shaping, the transfer of weight, all has to be perfection - and it wasn't with Kara. She has not yet mastered the ability to make sure her footwork matches his and that's what a ten is - when you are so taken aback not just by the performance but by what is going on both in the footwork and through the body. Unless you can do that it's not a ten.' Phillips also questioned the decision of Dixon and fellow judges Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli to award full marks to EastEnders actor Scott Maslen and his partner Natalie Lowe for their Viennese waltz later on in the show. 'Kara's on her way to perfection and it's the same with Scott - he's a nine,' Phillips insisted. 'He's an excellent dancer but I don't think he's there yet. He could go on to do something far more brilliant and then where do you score him? He's got many more weeks to go and what's he going to do - get ten every week?' The sixty seven-year-old embittered former employee of the show added: 'I'm not very kind on my marks. I feel like people have got a long, long way to go. There's got to be something you can lead up to - something where you truly explode. Giving tens at this early stage means you can never repeat the reaction to the first one. But then again I guess I was just a tough old judge.' Yes. Emphasis on the old.

Meanwhile, John Barrowman has been tipped to replace Bruce Forsyth as the host of Strictly Come Dancing. That'll give Arlene Phillips something else to complain about. The Tonight's The Night presenter signed up as a contestant on the dance show's Christmas special last week, revealing that he was a huge fan of the BBC series. However, according to the Daily Express, the Torchwood actor is the new favourite to replace Forsyth when the showbiz veteran eventually retires from the programme. Big shoes to fill. And big chin to fill, actually, come to think about it. Despite increased viewing figures for the new series of Strictly, Forsyth is expected to withdraw from the show in the next couple of years. During the current run, Claudia Winkleman has replaced him on the Sunday night results show to reduce the eighty two-year-old's workload. Anton Du Beke and Vernon Kay have previously been suggested as replacements for Forsyth on the entertainment programme. But, nobody took either of those suggestions remotely seriously.

Jay Kay reportedly insulted X Factor judges Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue at the weekend. According to the Sun, who seem to be getting all the 'scoops' this week, the Jamiroquai frontman called the female judges 'fucking useless' the day before he performed his single 'White Knuckle Ride' on Sunday's results show. Kay was quoted as saying: 'What are they going to tell me about fucking music? When have you ever done anything? You're useless. The pair of you. I mean you look great and I'd like to fucking shag you but that's all.' Subtle. He reportedly added: 'I just don't like the wanky stuff I have to do. Fucking X Factor and that. I'm going to have to sing in front of fucking amateurs. Do you know what I mean?' Well, you could, you know, not. Bit of a radical suggestion, I know, but there you are. After his performance on Sunday night, Jamiroquai seemingly got a poor reception from Cole and Minogue. I wonder why. Speaking to host Dermot O'Dreary, Kay said from the stage: 'I had reservations about coming on the show, but everyone has been charming and I've had a lovely time.' In a marginally-related X Factor story, rejected girl group Craig Bellamy have claimed that the performance of Cher Lloyd on Saturday night made them cry. Insert own punchline here.

A drugs charity has accused Channel Four of exploitation over a documentary about Britain's street children that features footage of a young homeless girl taking heroin. Scheduled for broadcast tonight, the Dispatches special depicts sixteen-year-old Robyn injecting the drug in an underground Edinburgh car park, before passing out. Mike Linnell, spokesman for the drug charity Lifeline, told the Gruniad Morning Star that the filming was 'exploitative and irresponsible.' Linnell, who has worked with drug addicts for twenty five years, claimed that other addicts have previously been traumatised by appearing in similar documentaries. 'A young girl like Robyn can't give informed consent,' he said. 'She won't understand that the image of her shooting up will be broadcast around the world and last forever. I know addicts who have been traumatised and humiliated by footage like this following them for many years. Even if they successfully fight their addiction, their children could see the footage years later.' However, the documentary's executive producer Brian Woods claimed that it would have 'distorted' Robyn's story if the film had not depicted her injecting the drug. 'This is what Robyn does every day, several times a day,' he said. 'We needed to show it to communicate the sordid, horrible reality of her life. To try to dodge that would be misleading.' A Channel Four spokesperson added: 'Robyn wanted to take part in the film to tell her story and show the reality of her life in all its detail. The production team are very experienced in working with young people and with drug addicts - they discussed the film with her and her youth worker and ensured Robyn was fully informed and happy to proceed before any filming took place. They spent over five months with Robyn and are still in regular contact with all the contributors and offer them their support.'

Esther Rantzen has claimed that 'simply sacking' Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley will not help ITV's Daybreak win back viewers. GMTV's replacement show has recently seen its ratings tumble to half-a-million against BBC's Breakfast, but Rantzen believes that getting rid of the two presenters is not the only course of action bosses need to take. Because, of course, she's such a big-brained expert on what the public want, isn't she? Remind me about the election result in Luton South, somebody? 'My heart goes out to Adrian and Christine,' she wrote in the Gruniad Morning Star having, seemingly, become an agony aunt now her parliamentary ambitions lie in tatters. 'All the money in the world won't make their lives worth living, as they struggle in to work long before dawn, knowing that however hard they try they won't be able to keep the audience from trickling away.' Rantzen compared the situation to the launch of TV-am, which she helped to found but quit just before it went on air. 'It was a famous disaster, every dramatic lurch downwards played out in public. And history is clearly repeating itself,' she said. 'TV-am, like Daybreak, relied on celebrity presenters to pull in viewers. They had the biggest stars of the time, Angela Rippon, Anna Ford, David Frost among them, and that won them the franchise. But it lost the viewers. It was like opening your front door at breakfast time expecting the milkman, and finding the Queen standing there.' No, Esther, it really isn't. Unless you're on very hard drugs, of course, in which case, it may be. I wouldn't know, personally. She continued: 'All that grandeur on screen made the viewers feel uncomfortable. Daybreak's launch campaign concentrated on the starriness of Adrian and Christine, and stories of their seven-figure salaries were everywhere. Humiliating anticlimax was bound to follow.' However, the seventy-year-old says that winning back viewers will not be easy. 'They can bring back happy pastels, augment the team with engaging nonentities,' she said. 'But simply sacking Adrian and Christine won't do the trick. Above all they need to understand that viewers don't want a three-course breakfast, toast and porridge does very well. Just look at the BBC. Millions of viewers have chosen to do just that.'

Stephen K Amos struggled to attract a million viewers to his new BBC2 show on Friday night. Overnight figures show the sketch and stand-up show drew and audience of nine hundred and ninety thousand – or just under five per cent of the audience at that time. Not bad, but hardly what Stephen or the BBC would've been hoping for. And, he cracked that bloody Lenny Henry joke which he always tells in his live show as well. Which is, Stephen - I have to lay this one on you - almost as funny as Lenny himself these days (i.e. not at all). That apart, I quite enjoyed bits and piece of the show. I hope it finds a bit more of an audience.

The veteran actor Nigel Havers has become the latest poor sod to be linked in a tabloid with this year's I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here! line-up. The fifty nine-year-old former-Coronation Street actor is reported to have signed up for the ITV jungle-based reality show, according to the Sun. Oh, Nigel. Have you got no dignity, mate? Your dad was the Attorney General for God sake, he must be turning in his grave. Havers, the newspaper claims, is expected to be joined by Olympic gold medal winner Linford Christie, X Factor loser Stacey Solomon, former Lib Dem MP turned stand-up comic Lembit Opik and Swedish actress Britt Ekland on the show. Of course, just a fortnight ago, another tabloid - and you can probably guess which one - was claiming the line-up would include none of those people but, rather, Mel B, the Chuckle Brothers, John Leslie and Chico. And, over the weekend, Heat magazine was confidently predicting Emma Bunton would be involved. Until she denied it. So, you know, swings and roundabouts, innit? 'Nigel will be perfect for the show. He is a very popular actor who has never done anything like this before,' said a 'source' is alleged to have told the newspaper. 'He is really up for the challenge. He is known as being very smooth, but it will be interesting to see if he is able to keep that up in the pressure of the jungle environment.'

News Corp will reportedly notify the European Commission this week of its intention to bid for Sky, but regulators will question the deal's future impact on rights negotiation in Europe. Rupert Murdoch's News Corp is widely expected to inform competition commissioner Joaquín Almunia in the next few days that it wants to acquire the sixty one per cent of Sky that it does not already own. The move will start a regulatory process that could result in the UK business secretary Vince Cable blocking the deal on grounds of its erosion of media plurality. In June, News Corp failed in a bid worth seven hundred pence per share for the Sky stake, but both parties agreed to keep the lines of negotiation open while News Corp seeks regulatory approval. The European Commission has the power to investigate the deal on competition grounds as both parties have a pan-European presence. The commission's initial investigation is expected to last around a month as it works out whether there are legal grounds to block the deal. According to media reports, Almunia will question how News Corp plans to manage content rights deals if it were to fully own Sky. Some TV executives have expressed concern that News Corp would use its financial muscle to negotiate pan-European deals for programming and sports rights for Sky, Sky Deutschland and Sky Italia. However, a source told the Daily Telegraph that Almunia is expected to be satisfied that pan-European deals are unlikely as content owners gain better prices by negotiating nationally. In the UK, Cable has been asked by a consortium of powerful media groups - including the BBC, Channel Four and various newspaper publishers - to block the deal due to its potentially negative impact on the UK media market. The business secretary could refer the deal to media regulator Ofcom for further investigation, or ask the Competition Commission to launch a review. The process is likely to run into spring 2011.

A comedy CD by Harry Hill has been hit by yet another series of setbacks, with ninety thousand copies being scrapped over copyright issues – including complaints from his own ITV employers. Funny Times has been embroiled in legal wranglings since it was announced. The Beatles' record label Apple objected to it being called Sgt Pepper Vol 2, and Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr blocked the use of a medley of the band's songs in the style of George Formby which had been recorded for inclusion. Now The Sunday Times reports that ITV has blocked Hill from using audio samples from Coronation Street in his planned song parody about Ken Barlow. The comedian has, similarly, been denied permission to use extracts from BBC shows Ground Force and John Craven's Newsround for 'The Alan Titchmarsh Song' and 'Never Be Holly Willoughby Symphony' respectively. Record company Universal has also had to change the cover of a single taken from the LP in case it offended X Factor supremo Simon Cowell. The sleeve of 'Subo' reportedly spoofed the cover of Susan Boyle's forthcoming The Gift. Boyle has frequently been a target of - mostly good-natured - ribbing on Hill's TV Burp show. The setbacks mean the release date has been pushed back two weeks from 8 November to 22 November. A 'source' whom the newspaper alleges to be 'close to the record label' told The Sunday Times: '[This] release has been dogged by a catalogue of setbacks and a massive corporate sense-of-humour failure. This is a good-humoured recording but some people clearly take life a little too seriously.'

Finally, my thanks to Doug Morris on Saturday night's excellent Beat Surrender show on BBC Newcastle firstly for the name-check when he played 'When You're Young.' But, also for reminding me that, in addition to being the thirtieth anniversary of the release of Sound Affects, November 2010 is also the thirtieth anniversary of the release on another similar LP from that golden period when British popular music was at its greatest peak since the mid-sixties, Searching For The Young Soul Rebels. Something totally reflected in today's choice for yer Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day. Tell 'em all about it Kevin.'Keep quoting Cabaret-Berlin-Burroughs-JG Ballard-Duchamp/Beauvoir-Kerouac-Kierkegaard-Michael Rrrrennie/And I don't believe/you really like Frank Sin-a-trowww.' And, of course, it's as true now as it was then, 'The only way to change this is to shoot men who arrange things.' For the video, you've got the original Dexy's playing on Dutch TV in 1980. Or the extraordinary extended version as done by the raggle-taggle-gypsy Dexy's line-up two years later in Germany on Rockpalast. And, as an extra-special bonus cos it's the start of the month, here's an additional Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day, from the man that Kevin Rowland spent just about an entire career impersonating - superbly, admittedly - General Lance. 'Young and impatient we may be/But there's no need to act foolishly.' Ah, but what would life be if we didn't?

But Where It's Goin', No One Knows

Yer Keith Telly Topping really had a rather good Sunday this week, dear blog reader. Doesn't often happen so, when it does, one might as well celebrate the day as it were. Good weekend generally, in fact, but especially Sunday. I mean, quite apart from The Match (see below for further details). There was also, for example, a very good episode of Soccer Supplement, featuring the Torygraph's Henry Winter - a journalist whose views yer Keith Telly Topping always finds thought-provoking and worth listening to - a very entertaining Alice Cooper interview on The Andrew Marr Show and a terrific Roman Time Team episode in the afternoon, which almost ended with Guy de la Bédoyère and site-director Ben Robinson having a full-scale Barney McGrew about what sort of Roman building they'd actually been digging for three days! 'Thankfully the residents of Litlington were welcoming and very interested to know what was under their lawns,' wrote Ben on Channel 4's website. 'Many cups of tea later, the test pit crew's gardening began to pay off. We had found our missing villa. Not only that, but geophysics had pinned down 'Heaven's Walls.' The troublesome antiquarian map, like Eric Morcambe's piano playing, had all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order!' That was followed, later in the evening, by a tremendously moving Last Chance To See special about the almost extinct Northern White Rhino and James May's very enjoyable Man's Lab. All this, a plate of chips, a glass of chilled white wine and a Kevin Nolan hat-trick against the Mackems, dear blog reader. If only I'd found a penny down the back of the sofa it would've been, like, the best day ever. So, when I go into work on Tuesday and somebody asks what sort of a weekend I had, I can - with hand on heart - say: 'I spent Sunday with Tony Robinson, Stephen Fry and James May. It was quite good!' All this, plus I note that Sky are using Paul Weller's 'The Changingman' as the music on their trailers for the new series of House. Quality.

In fact, as alluded to earlier, yer Keith Telly Topping also spent a very nice Saturday night with Paul Merton. Not around the gaff, obviously. It's not fit for guests. However this blogger was, he has to confess, hugely impressed by Paul Merton's Weird and Wonderful World of Early Cinema on BBC2. In this, yer man Paul went in search of the origins of screen comedy in the forgotten world of silent cinema - not in Hollywood, but rather closer to home in pre-first world war Britain and France. Revealing the largely forgotten stars and lost masterpieces of the age, he brought to life the pioneering techniques and optical inventiveness of the virtuosos who mastered a new art form in the early years of the Twentieth Century. With a playful eye and his own immaculate comic sense of timing, Paul combined the role of presenter and director to recreate the weird and wonderful world of early European cinema in a series of cinematic experiments of his own. If you didn't catch it, dear blog reader, you missed a real treat. But, like all the best shows, it is available on iPlayer, so I recommend seek it out. And, after you've finished with that, check out Saturday's Beat Surrender with Doug Morris standing in for Nicky Roberts. Thoroughly sharp.

The a'fore mentioned Stephen Fry appears to have been and gone and got himself into a spot of bother after failing to control his Twitter compulsions. Stephen is currently spending his days at Leavesden films studios in Hertfordshire appearing in the sequel to the Sherlock Holmes movie, in which he plays the detective's older, smarter brother, Mycroft. Whilst filming scenes from the Guy Ritchie-directed movie on Thursday, Fry took time out to snap a few photos from the adjoining set of the forthcoming Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and later uploaded them on to his Twitter page. Ooo, naughty. Among the images were one of Hogwarts school in ruins and another showing the home of Harry Potter’s aunt and uncle, both of which went down a treat with the almost two million million people who follow Stephen's tweet. Or, twats. Or whatever the young 'with it' kiddies call that thing they do with their phones. But, Warner Brothers, who are producing the seventh and final film of the Potter saga, appear to have been somewhat less impressed and the photos soon vanished from the web. Fry later tweeted: 'Oops. I've been sent to the naughty step.' He was subsequently asked by one of his followers if Warner Brothers were being a little too protective of the final Potter film: 'Your words, not mine' he noted. When he arrived for work on Friday, Stephen used his Twitter page to promise: 'Shall be a good boy on set today. Sticks gaffer-tape over camera lens. Heigh ho.' The Sunday Telegraph reported that Stephen appeared to be half-expecting a confrontation with the film company after tweeting the previous week on his way to his first day of filming: 'Warner's publ ppl [sic] haven't told me the rules on tweeting from the set yet, but I expect it's frowned upon.' Depends what you tweet, I guess. 'I'm on the set, it's great. This is going to be fantastic movie and you should all come and see it when it's released,' would probably go down quite well with 'em, I'd've thought. But, rather typically, Stephen seems to have been unable to stop himself describing his every move during the filming for the sequel to last year's Holmes film, including an account of a night shoot and a boat scene.

Meanwhile the National Geographic channel, part-owned by News Corporation, has launched a five hundred thousand integrated marketing campaign to promote Great Migrations, a new series which is narrated by, guess who? Yes, Stephen Fry! It begins on Sunday 7 November. The campaign, planned by Walker Media with creative produced in-house by National Geographic, started this weekend and will run across national press, online and on TV to raise awareness of the natural history series. The national press activity will include adverts in The Times, the Sun, News of the Scum and the Gruniad Morning Star, and the TV campaign will run across a number of Sky channels. The outdoor element of the campaign includes large format ninety six-sheet and digital outdoor formats in London, Manchester and Birmingham, including Ocean's Liverpool media wall.

Strictly Come Dancing pulled in a series high audience of 10.36m on Saturday night, according to overnight ratings figures. The fifth live show of the current series, which saw Ann Widdecombe being, quite literally, dragged across the floor by her partner Anton Du Beke, averaged just over ten million viewers on BBC1 and three hundred thousand on BBC HD from 6.30pm until 8pm. Strictly recorded a combined peak of 11.65m between 7.30pm and 7.45pm. In the equivalent week last year, the celebrity talent show hit a low of 8.43m. Later, the third series of Merlin scored another series high of 5.84m viewers for the episode The Eye of the Phoenix at 8pm, despite being broadcast against The X Factor which performed solidly with a total of 12.22m viewers. The competition's Halloween Week had 11.55m viewers on ITV and six hundred and seventy thousand on ITV HD, with a combined peak of 12.7m between 8.45pm and 9pm for Matt Cardle's rendition of 'Bleeding Love.'

Highlight of the Strictly Halloween special was when Len Goodman and Brendan Cole had a reet rive on at each other. It was a sight to see! The New Zealand professional dancer retaliated when Goodman criticised his 'Time Warp'-inspired jive routine with Michelle Williams for not having enough dance content. 'I'm from a ballroom background and I was bitterly disappointed with it,' said the veteran judge. 'I'm sorry. The first half, I loved because it was proper jive, but then it got caught up in the story of the 'Time Warp and the last three quarters of it was all the 'Time Warp'.' Responding to his comments, Cole replied: 'That was only the last twenty seconds, I made sure of it. I won't have it. We did a proper jive for at least a minute.' A stern-face Goodman was not taking any crap, however, and replied: 'I can only tell you what I saw and what I felt.' Growing more angry, Cole snapped: 'Well then you should go to specsavers.' That's advertising, Bren m'friend. You can't do that on the BBC without adding 'other opticians are available' afterwards. The angry judge then gave the cocky Kiwi both barrels: 'What you want to do Brendan is turn up, keep up and shut up.' Burn! Refusing to be quiet, however, Cole continued: 'You don't want to turn up at all mate.' Speaking to host Tess Daly afterwards, Cole added: 'I made sure that there was enough content in there. There were no lifts and there have plenty of lifts from other people tonight. We did a proper jive and it ended with some 'Time Warp' flair.'

Subsequently, Tina O'Brien became the fourth celebrity to be eliminated from the latest series of Strictly Come Dancing. The former Coronation Street actress and her professional partner, Jared Murillo, found themselves in the bottom two alongside Felicity Kendal and Vincent Simone, after failing to pick up enough viewer votes with their Halloween-themed Argentine tango. Upon hearing the news, O'Brien expressed her regret that the public hadn't seen the same amount of potential in her as the judges.

X Factor judges Dannii Minogue and Louis Walsh have reportedly complained about the 'loud and overused' backing tracks used by some of the acts belonging to Cheryl Cole and Simon Cowell. It has been claimed that backing tracks are produced for some of the performances, featuring vocals sung by professionals that the finalists sing on top of. The backing tracks are sometimes played at such a high volume that it can be difficult to disassociate the two different vocals. Walsh and Minogue were reportedly angry with last week's performances by One Direction and Cher Lloyd in particular. According to the News of the Scum, a 'source' said: 'Louis and Dannii are furious. In their view the backing vocals on acts mentored by Cheryl and Simon are much louder and stronger than their acts. The public should be voting on who is the best singer, not who has the best production and backing vocals.' A show spokesperson responded: 'Acts are always treated fairly. Chorus vocals simply depend on the arrangement of the song being performed.'

Hollywood director George Hickenlooper, who won an Emmy in 1992 for the documentary film Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker's Apocalypse, has died at the age of forty seven. The film-maker died of apparent natural causes in Denver, where he was attending a film festival, his cousin John Hickenlooper said in a statement. 'We are devastated,' said John, who is also the mayor of Denver. 'George's passion for life, zeal for people and unquenchable curiosity enriched everyone who had the fortune to know him.' The director was in Denver for the premiere of his latest work Casino Jack, a political thriller starring Kevin Spacey and Kelly Preston. The festival, which starts on Wednesday,'"will be dedicated in its entirety to our friend George Hickenlooper,' said the festival director Britta Erickson. Hearts of Darkness (1991) was a fascinating and well-received documentary about the making of Francis Ford Coppolla's Apocalypse Now which George co-directed with Fax Bahr. It won several awards including the National Board of Review award for Best Documentary and was a critical sensation when screened at the 1991 Cannes festival. His other films include Factory Girl, Dogtown, Mayor of the Sunset Strip and the documentary Hick Town, based on footage shot while he followed his cousin around during the 2008 Democratic National Convention.

Comedians Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have hosted a mock political rally in Washington DC. The event was announced on Stewart's The Daily Show last month as a reaction to FOX News pundit Glenn Beck's 'Restoring Honor' rally, in which the right-wing news anchor and berk urged his supporters to 'turn back to God' and 'return America to the values on which it was founded.' And think of the children. Probably. The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear opened with an introduction from Stewart, who was quickly interrupted by Colbert, shown on a video screen from within his underground 'fear bunker.' After being convinced by Stewart to join him above ground, Colbert rose from under the stage in a device similar to the one used to allow the trapped Chilean miners to escape earlier this month. Several celebrities joined the pair onstage, including the musician Yusuf Islam, formerly Cat Stevens, Ozzy Osbourne, Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. Jeez, that sounds like a meeting on minds! Colbert also awarded one of his 'Medals of Fear' to 'Anderson Cooper's tight black t-shirt,' explaining that when CNN's Cooper 'shows up on your front yard, you know something terrible has happened in your community.' As the rally drew to a close, Stewart's message turned more serious as he urged the crowd to resist fearmongering, and said that while some may label America as fragile and torn by hate, 'the truth is, we work together to get things done every damn day.'

The future of the ITV2 reality show The Only Way Is Essex has reportedly been threatened after fears that local gangs are putting the cast in danger. The news comes after Mark Wright's bar, co-owned by Jack Tweed, was subject to an arson attack just hours after the show filmed a Halloween party at the venue. The Daily Lies Sunday claims that 'sources' believe the attack was carried out by 'jealous enemies,' while others have suggested that the fire was started by 'gangland figures' demanding protection money. So, 'jealous enemies' or 'gangland figures' - there's only one way to sort this out ... Wright said: 'We've never had to pay protection cash to anyone. I honestly haven't got a clue why it happened. But I certainly won't be quitting the show over it. We'll come back stronger and do the [bar] launch again next week.' A 'source' described as being 'close to producers' Lime Pictures told the paper: 'This is being taken very seriously. Obviously someone could have been gravely injured or even killed in this attack. Bosses were shocked. It's a very popular show and it would be a massive shame to cut it with just three episodes to film but the safety of the cast is paramount.' It's a very popular show, is it? Beg to differ with you bro. It gets ratings that makes Daybreak's look impressive.

Former Celebrity Big Brother contestant - and user of vile racially prejudicial insults - Danielle Lloyd has reportedly called off her wedding to the footballer Jamie O'Hara following a series of arguments.

Yer Keith Topping, as mentioned above, had a thoroughly entertaining afternoon on Sunday watching the Tyne-Wear Derby, dear blog reader. In which his beloved, though still unsellable, Magpies defeated 'them lot from doon the road' 5-1 in what was, by the end, a bit of a hiding. What a pity, however, that Darren Bent scored that goal for Sunderland right at the end, thus robbing newspaper sub-editors everywhere of the chance to use Wey-Aye Five-Oh for a headline on Monday morning! For anyone who believed that Chris Hughton might struggle to survive much longer as a Premier League manager - and, if anyone can work out exactly where that rumour actually started, let me know, because yer Keith Telly Topping is pretty convinced it didn't originate anywhere within a twelve mile radius of Tyneside - or who imagined that Big Titus Shambles really had re-invented himself as an ultra-calm and reliable Premier League quality centre-half with the Black Cats it was an assumption-challenging sort of afternoon. St James Park was near its fifty two thousand capacity as the one hundred and forty first league meeting between two of British football's oldest, and bitterest, local rivals took place. Sunderland's Newcastle-born manager Steve Bruce return to his 'beloved' St James' Park, his words not mine, and the club he supported as a boy (something which he occasionally mentions in interviews, you might have noticed) accompanied by a squad of players who, as nufc.com observed in their pre-match coverage, 'also spend much of their time on Tyneside - living there, socialising there, attending police stations and magistrates courts etc.' Now, now - we've got one or two of those ourselves! Those who subscribe to the view that a four-four-two formation represents 'yesterday's men' in football terms or believe that Shola Ameobi was a Premier League striker with an uncanny ability to miss the barn door from three feet, were also in for a disquieting afternoon as preconceptions were thoroughly shattered just as emphatically as Sunderland's seven-match unbeaten league run. Mike Ashley, Newcastle's much-hated owner, is unlikely to think about sacking Hughton after his side dramatically exorcised the memory of a series of recently disappointing home performances at the expense of their fiercest rivals. Although, with that buffoon Ashley and his guffawing non-entity of a sidekick, Derek Llambias in the boardroom, you can never be too certain about pretty much anything. Hughton - keeping the four-four-two system that worked so well in United's win at West Ham last week - saw his tactical plans pay-off and Big Titus experienced a torrid return to Gallowgate being thoroughly terrorised by both Ameobi and Andy Carroll before getting himself sent off for a pointless hack on Carroll when the latter was through one-on-one with Simon Mignolet early in the second-half. By that stage, however, the game as a contest was all but over. Ameobi scored twice, once from a penalty in first-half injury time, whilst a resurgent Kevin Nolan registered a memorable hat-trick, United's first in a derby match since Peter Beardsley scored a memorable one on New Year's Day 1985. Small wonder then that, in the away dug-out, Steve Bruce, a Walker lad and childhood United fan (has he mentioned that recently?), but one who - allegedly - twice turned down the chance to become manager at St James', endured possibly the most uncomfortable afternoon of his tenure in charge of Sunderland. What a shame. Ironically it was Hughton looked the more nervous of the two as he shook hands with Bruce before the kick-off. He need not have worried. At the end of a manic first-half featuring lots of blood and thunder, some downright tasty tackling, precious little midfield possession but a considerable amount of excitement over the kind of football the English league used to specialise in, United were three goals to the good. Sunderland were, perhaps, the better side for the first quarter of an hour but, once United's midfield - and particularly the impressive Joey Barton on the right - began to get the ball down and knock it around - the home side grew in confidence and strength. The first goal arrived on twenty six minutes when Barton's corner was headed on in a crowded penalty area by Ameobi. Despite striking the dropping ball with his back to goal from an almost horizontal position, Nolan somehow flicked it over his shoulder and above Phil Bardsley into the roof of the net at the Gallowgate End. Sunderland's defensive record has been much improved this season but they regressed to some bad habits from the days of yore when conceding the second, eight minutes later. Their backline was all over the place as Andy Carroll - who had a splendid game up front - collected a blocked Jonás Gutiérrez effort with a wild scissor kick. It broke in the box and fell for the unattended Nolan, marginally onside, who had time to not only bring the ball down but recover from a slightly dodgy first touch before coolly shooting his sixth goal of the season. Bruce immediately brought his thirteen million pound Ghana striker, Asamoah Gyan off the bench as, with Ahmed Elmohamady withdrawn, he switched from four-five-one to four-four-two, a significant tribute to Hughton having won the tactical battle for the opening stages. Within minutes, though, Bruce's side were three down, Ameobi scoring clinically from the penalty spot after Nedum Onuoha tripped Gutiérrez as he surged into the box. It got worse for Sunderland early in the second half. Bramble, the former Newcastle centre-half, and looking every inch the lumbering plank he appeared to be for much of his time at Gallowgate, marked his return to Tyneside by being shown a straight red card for sending the accelerating Carroll crashing just outside the area. And, how the crowd enjoyed that after some of the comments Shambles had made about Newcastle supporters since he left the club. Quite rightly referee Phil Dowd judged Bramble had to go. Dowd himself had a decent, if a bit erratic, game being authoritative but at least communicating with the players unlike many of the more stand-offish referees. He did, however, make something of a rod for his own back early on by dishing out three or four pointless yellow cards which meant that, the longer the game went on, he had to carry on in the same manner. The game was tough and physical but never nasty and, of the nine yellow cards that accompanied Bramble's red it was probably only a late tackle by Cheik Tiote, an annoyed Lee Cattermole having a swipe at Jose Enrique and, late on, a cynical foul by Michael Turner on Carroll that actually deserved their cautions. I was particularly unimpressed by Danny Simpson being shown the yellow card for a tackle in which he missed Gyan by some feet but played the ball into touch. It appeared that it was Gyan's outraged reaction to a perfectly fair tackle which then got Simpson booked. That sort of thing - players getting fellow professionals booked or sent off by either feigning injury or reacting angrily to perfectly legal tackles is - I must admit, something which makes yer Keith Telly Topping's blood boil, so it does. Cattermole had been in a running battle with Nolan all match and Bruce, perhaps wisely, decided to take the booked Subnderland captain off and replace him with John Mensah. The Ghanan centre-back's first contribution was to bring down Carroll just outside the area from which he was lucky not to join Cattermole in the book. He was soon cautioned, however, for making his mouth go following a bit of handbags with Nolan before a corner. Ameobi volleyed a fourth goal after a Carroll header rebounded off the bar before creating the fifth himself by nodding on a corner from which Nolan completed his hat-trick. Although Darren Bent claimed a late goal it proved no sort of consolation to Bruce or his players who will probably feel like spending the coming week indoors with the curtains closed. And, the only disappointed people will be those sub-editors previously mentioned. The win lifted Newcastle above their local rival in the Premier League table to seventh. Can we stop the season now, please, that'll do yer Keith Telly Topping.

Lastly for this week, the latest in yer Keith Telly Topping's 45 of the Day series. And, trust me, this one is another god damn twenty-four carat classic. The first release from the one of the most important record labels the British industry ever produced.'Security's so tight tonight, they're ready for a tussle/Gotta keep your backstage passes, cos the promoter has the muscle!' Power pop! And, here's Nick and Rockpile performing it on The Kenny Everett Video Show in 1978.