Going Up!

Yer Keith Telly Topping is a somewhat satisfied man tonight, dear blog reader, as his beloved - though still seemingly unsellable - Magpies have marginally made up for playing like total planks all last season and bounced straight back to the Premiership at their first attempt. They haven't always been pretty this year, they've ground out results, but four defeats in forty games speaks of a team that remembered how to defend. Mind you, the fact that United and West Brom are, clearly, head and shoulders above every other team in the Championship when, last year, neither looked remotely good enough for the Premiere League does, I'd suggest, speak volumes about the yawning chasm between the two divisions. But, never mind all that on a night like tonight. I'd like to pass along my sincere congratulations along to Chris Hughton (who seems like a very nice man and has done a difficult job under trying circumstances far better than anyone dared to expect) and Colin Calderwood and all of the boys in the squad (even the ones who fight among themselves) on their achievement in proving that they're a better footballing side than Peterborough. And Doncaster. And Scunthorpe. And Blackpool. And Crystal Palace. And Plymouth Argyle. You've just about managed to restore my faith in football, lads. Now, don't sodding do that to us ever again!

A student who became an Internet star after a verbal exchange with University Challenge host Jeremy Paxman is celebrating winning the programme. Alexander Guttenplan captained Emmanuel College, Cambridge, to victory over St John's College, Oxford, in the 2010 final of BBC2's academic quiz show. Mr Guttenplan, nineteen, from London, came back at the presenter in an earlier round to deny he had guessed an answer. His bravado earned him status as 'a legend' on various social networking sites. After winning the final, Mr Guttenplan said: 'Thanks to everyone who supported us - and to Mr Paxman for his good humour, on and off the set.'

Amy Diamond became the first contestant to be voted off Over The Rainbow at the weekend. The former Page Three stunna found herself in the bottom two alongside Steph Fearon after the public vote. Both hopefuls then had to perform their own renditions of 'Whistle Down The Wind' to convince judge Andrew Lloyd Webber to keep them in the competition. Making his decision, Webber said: 'This is an extraordinary competition. You two girls are the slight misfits in it, because we are seeking to fill the particular role of Dorothy. In one sense you're both not right for Dorothy, but tonight I have to save Steph."

Simon Cowell has reportedly demanded an extra five million pounds for the next series of The X Factor. The People alleges that the money would be invested in the show to improve the bootcamp stage and the judges' houses. ITV and Cowell are now said to be 'locked in negotiations' in an attempt to secure a deal for the programme. 'This is a nightmare scenario for us,' an ITV source reportedly said. 'X Factor is by far the channel's most successful show but there have been a lot of cuts in the last eighteen months so it is difficult to justify the demands. Simon says the money is needed to make the show better but the problem for ITV is that it has to go before the board and funds like this aren't readily available. At the moment there's no solution in sight. The deal was meant to have been settled in January, but it looks like it will be dragging on for a while yet.' The insider continued: 'Cowell and his team are calling for dramatic increases in the production budget. He is talking about revamping the bootcamp stages and improving the quality of the houses used by the judges. He wants to increase the number of people employed to work in the production team as well. And he's not backing down with any of his demands.'

Women at the top of the BBC are to blame for age discrimination against female presenters, claims the embittered old hasbeen and former newsreader Selina Scott. The broadcaster said that senior women at the BBC 'don't get it' and increasing numbers of women have undergone cosmetic surgery in order to 'compete.' Scott, a former BBC Breakfast Time and ITV News at Ten newsreader, won a landmark two hundred and fifty thousand pounds out-of-court settlement from Five in 2008 for age discrimination after she was dropped as a maternity-leave replacement for thirty seven year-old Natasha Kaplinsky. Scott has now written a new report looking at why there are so few female presenters over fifty at the BBC, despite the large number of women who form a majority both on the BBC's governing body and among the corporation's executive directors. The report says the board of the BBC Trust includes seven women, and five men and women score a 'similarly striking majority female ratio' among executive directors. Scott identifies Jay Hunt, the forty three-year-old female controller of BBC1, as one executive who has significant power over who appears onscreen, but 'doesn't seem to get it.' The former newsreader also accused Anne Robinson of 'adopting a character which she plays much as an actress might. She is Cruella de Vil.' A BBC spokesman said it welcomed a debate on the issue. And that the chances of Selina Scott ever getting a job with them again had just taken something of a nose-dive. Ironically all of this comes on the same day when a survey carried out by the Radio Times suggests that the age gap between male and female television presenters may be narrowing. It looked at peak-time ITV and BBC1 shows every ten years from 1950 to 2010. In both 1950 and 2010, the average age of male hosts was forty six years nine months, while women's average ages rose almost eight years to forty years and two months.

Celebrity chef Jean-Christophe Novelli has criticised Sophie Dahl's wretched new food show. Dahl currently hosts the horrifically smug and self-satisfied BBC2 show The Delicious Miss Dahl but Novelli claimed that she cannot cook. That might well be true, mate, but to be honest that's the least of the programme's problems. According to the Daily Mail, he said: 'Cooking is not about beauty, it's about a passion for food. Sophie is trying to copy Nigella [Lawson] but has a long way to go. Nigella can cook.' He continued: 'Sophie's show is a bit dull. I don't think it is interesting or anything that we haven't seen before.'

Heroes actress Ali Larter has revealed that she is confident the drama will be renewed for a fifth season. The thirty four-year-old actress, who plays single mother Niki Sanders, believes that there is more narrative left in the show. 'I think that we'll be back, there are still stories that need to be told,' HitFix quotes her as saying at a press event for her new movie Resident Evil. NBC, which in January said that a renewal was very likely, later announced that it was still unsure over the programme's future.

Alex Reid has claimed that he has signed up to appear in a BBC costume drama. The Celebrity Big Brother winner, who most recently starred in low-budget movie Killer Bitch, also alleged that he had been offered more acting roles. He told the Sun: 'I've got so much going on. I've been offered great projects, a lot of acting work.' The cagefighter added: 'The BBC has asked me to be in a costume drama about the year 2000 BC." Ah. The Stone Age. Yeah, that's more a sort of 'lack of costume' drama, Alex. No one from the BBC would confirm the veracity of these comments.

Alexa Chung has reportedly refused to return to the UK. The television presenter, who is currently living in America, was allegedly asked to move back so she could work on T4 again. According to the Daily Mail, Chung has agreed to work for the franchise but only if she can film in the States. 'The cast and crew have been begging Alexa to come back but she sees it as a step down the ladder,' a source said. 'Alexa agreed to host another series of Frock Me for T4 but she's insisted on filming it in New York. Everyone thinks she's got too big for her boots. She shouldn't turn her nose up at an opportunity to return.'

Every Sunday Should Be Like This!

Matt Smith's impressive debut as the Doctor wasn't just an artistic and creative triumph for the BBC, it was also a popular one with just over eight million viewers on Saturday night. On a generally lacklustre evening for ratings when the next highest-rated shows were Over the Rainbow and Casualty, both with an audience of five and a half million, Doctor Who once again proved itself to be one of British television's great survivors - not even an eleventh change of lead actor affecting its continuing popularity. Elsewhere, it was a perfectly horrible night for ITV whose top-rated show was Ant & Dec's Push the Button with just 3.9 million viewers. The duo's Britain's Got Talent colleagues, Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden, did even worse with the former's Life Stories interview with Geri Halliwell and the latter's game show format The Door pulling in a meagre 2.9m and 3.5m viewers respectively. Both were beaten by the BBC's coverage of The Boat Race which scored 3.6m. Remarkable - sixteen men in boats (with two cox) beating ITV's coxless pair. On the multi-channels, the good news for Doctor Who continued with BBC3's Doctor Who Confidential the second highest viewed non-terrestrial show of the day with almost nine hundred thousand viewers on BBC3. It was beaten only by Sky Sports' coverage of the Cardiff vs Swansea match with pulled in a highly impressive 1.74m.

Why is it, therefore, that so many of us still love Doctor Who? It's a question that's been really taxing yer Keith Telly Topping over the weekend as he got more and more excited waiting for Matt's long-awaited entrance. I mean, come on - this is stupid when viewed logically - it's a show primarily made for children. (Yes, I know the BBC's definition of it is - superbly - 'a family show.' But the key demographic in Doctor Who's audience has always been, and remains, the under sixteens). So why is it that someone like me - a man closer to my fifties than my forties - can get so wrapped up in the cult of this daft little show about time travel? And then, sometime shortly after Confidential ended on Saturday night, I think I finally worked it out. It's because for forty five minutes each week when it's on (or, in this week's case, sixty five minutes), I'm not a forty six year old self employed - internationally renowned(!) - author, journalist and broadcaster any more. Rather, I'm seven again. And I don't have to worry about the rent, or shopping at Morrison's tomorrow or the script for next week's show, or where I'm going to sell my next article. Or any of that grown-up crap. That little exchange between the Doctor and Amy summed it all up for me. The Doctor invites Amy to travel with him. She refuses. He asks why - after all, she seemed so keen fourteen years ago. 'I grew up,' she notes. 'I'll soon fix that' replies the Doctor. There you go. That's it. That's the show's mission statement. As a previous Doctor once noted, what's the point of being grown up if you can't act like a child every now and then?

Meanwhile, Matt Smith has described Doctor Who's showrunner, The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He), as 'one of the great TV writers of all time.' Yes. He's the guy who created Press Gang and Coupling and wrote The Doctor Dances and Blink and The Girl In The Fireplace. You're preaching to the converted here, Matthew! The eleventh Doctor said that he can't praise Moffat highly enough. However, he added: 'Don't get me wrong, Steven's a peculiar man! We have a strange relationship in the press where we lambaste each other. His last one was that I'm in a constant state of wonder at my own limbs, so I've been calling him "peculiar."' Of his co-star Karen Gillan, Smith, said that she was as 'mad as a box of cats. She's pretty fly, isn't she?' he added, before giving his opinion on his predecessor David Tennant. 'Frankly I couldn't have wished to inherit the mantle off a nicer man,' he said. While Russell Davies's Doctor Who 'sat nearer the Superman end of fantasy,' Moffat has said that his show will be 'more Tim Burton.' Smith agreed, adding: 'There's a real sense of the fairytale about it. Russell made it the most popular show in the country, but I think Steven will make it the most magical. Even though I must make it very clear that he's peculiar.' Having met (and drank with) him on a few occasions, yer Keith Telly Topping can confirm this. He's lovely though, Steven. And now, he's got the best job in the world. Lucky bastard!

Billie Piper has revealed that she was diagnosed with post-natal depression. Piper welcomed her son Winston with husband Laurence Fox in 2008. However, in an interview with Glamour, the Secret Diary Of A Call Girl actress admitted that she struggled to cope after giving birth. 'The doctor said I had post-natal depression,' she explained. 'Secret Diary was a stressful time. I had started leaving Winston. I was finishing breast-feeding, which was really emotional. I don't know what warrants post-natal depression.' Piper added that she refused to take any medication, saying: 'They prescribed pills, but I never took them. Pills frighten me. They're a road to nowhere. I feel I'm too strong in mind and spirit for pills. I didn't feel it was that desperate - just a bad day.' Fox has also revealed that he found it difficult to deal with becoming a father.

It has been claimed that the cast of Grey's Anatomy are 'happy' that Katherine Heigl is leaving the show. Heigl confirmed last month that she has decided to quit the programme to focus on her family. A, seemingly, anonymous coward of a source has now told Us Weekly that the cast had clashed with Heigl and had been unhappy about the way she publicly criticised the show. 'Most of the cast and crew were like, "Finally!"' the insider claimed. 'There was such a release. With every movie, she'd get worse and start acting like she was the star.' The - nameless - source added: 'They're such a family and are glad to have this behind them. I doubt there will be a party to send her off.' However, Grey's Anatomy actor Justin Chambers said earlier this week that Heigl is 'much loved' by the cast who would be sorry to see her go. No, I don't know about you, dear blog reader, but I tend to trust people who'll actually put their name to comments above those who don't.

A unique range of pies have reportedly been created to mark Coronation Street's fiftieth anniversary. Hungry fans will soon be able to get their hands (and teeth) on the three Street-themed treats, which include a Steak And Coronation Street Ale variety. The pastry-based snacks will cost £2.49 each and have been created by Pie maker Holland's, based in Baxenden, Lancashire. A spokesperson for the company told the Sunday Mirror: 'This is the perfect vehicle to help us create brand awareness in the rest of the country.' Under the soap's half-century celebrations, bakers Warburtons was unveiled as the show's first 'Best of British' brand partner.

Hayley Tamaddon went on Dancing On Ice to 'raise her profile,' her father has revealed. The former Emmerdale star, who won the competition last weekend, had reportedly been struggling to find work since leaving the soap. Her father, Nassi, told the Sun: 'Hayley went on the show to win. The other contestants all have jobs but Hayley doesn't. She's been teaching drama part-time at Blackpool and The Fylde College, but that's been it. It has been tough. She hopes appearing on the show will raise her profile and help her get acting work.'

Amy Diamond has claimed that she has no regrets about her glamour modelling past. The Over The Rainbow hopeful told the Sun that she believes her work in the industry helped to prepare her for her career. 'Modelling was a great experience for me,' she said. 'It really opened my eyes to the entertainment industry. It enabled me to fund my singing and dancing lessons and go to auditions.' The twenty two-year-old added: 'I'm hoping it's not going to affect my chances at all. It's just a part of who I am. It shows I was willing to do anything to make my dreams come true.' Diamond also revealed that she is hoping to make the role of Dorothy more glamorous. She said: 'Dorothy was the original glamour girl, with the red sparkly shoes and everything, so I hope people can look past that.'

Cheryl Cole fears that she will never find love again if she divorces her husband Ashley, a press report has claimed. Ah. How sad. Anyway ...

The Eleventh Hour: I Predict A Riot!

'Hello, sorry to burst in. We're doing a special on television faults in this area. Also, crimes!'

So, then. Matt Smith is The Doctor. You might have noticed. Yer Keith Telly Topping likes him. He's funny and athletic, a bit bonkers and just a touch dangerous. He's got total mad hair and does weird things with his fingers and he says things like, when asked who he is 'I don't know yet, I'm still cooking' and 'I'm the Doctor, I'm worse than everybody's aunt' and 'you're Scottish, fry something.' And 'Twenty minutes to save the world and I've got a Post Office. And it's shut!' There might be a new face or two on the show, both in front of and behind the camera. There might be a new titles sequence, a new variation on the theme (which, I have to be honest, I'm still not entirely sure about) and a new logo, but the show remains, comfortably, comfortingly, Doctor Who. The self-same Doctor Who we all know and love and grew up with. Forty six years after William Hartnell, Matt Smith is the Doctor. A mad man in a box. He da man. Already. But, don't say that again, all right?

Karen Gillan is Amy Pond. Yer Keith Telly Topping likes her. He likes her a lot. And the camera just loves her. She's pretty and has hair the colour of burned rocks and legs that go all the way up to eleven. She's got eyes like pools of Mediterranean sea water and a beautiful little round face that speaks of innocence - both lost, and regained. A fairy tale princess whom the psychiatrists could never, quite, convince that it was her own fertile imagination which had created her Raggedy Doctor. She got more than her own fair share of great, spunky one-liners and was a quite brilliant feed to her new friend. 'You wanted to come fourteen years ago!' 'I grew up.' 'I'll soon fix that!' Shall we take that as a mission statement?

The Eleventh Hour. Yer Keith Telly Topping liked that. But then, it was The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (Thou Shalt Worship No Other Gods Before He), what did you expect, something rubbish? It had pace and wit and swift changes of style - from an almost slapstick opening to some dark and dangerous territory later on. Light and shade circling each other in a merry dance. An English country village with a duck pond. An alien menace that threatens the entire earth. Some nasty aliens with big ugly teeth ('Will that door hold it?' 'Oh yeah, course, it's an inter dimensional multi-form from Outer Space, they're all terrified of wood!'). Mix in a mini-skirt, a Mini Cooper, a fire engine, Patrick Moore and a sense of magic and wonder and you have ... Doctor Who. Recognisably. New face, same style. Lots of style.

Fish fingers and custard? Not sure if yer Keith Telly Topping likes that - he's going to have to try it later on - although he's with the Doctor on the subject of baked beans. Bad, bad beans. Can the world be saved by a mobile phone text message, with a photo attachment? Yes, seemingly, it can. There was a great performance by the little Amelia (Caitlin Blackwood). Star material in years to come, that young lady. The charming wit of the episode ('Get a girlfriend, Jeff!'), the clever use of some stock Moffat motifs (the imaginary friend from The Girl In The Fireplace, the 'out of the corner of your eye' malarkey of Blink, the hospital setting and scary alien children of The Empty Child) all came together, beautifully, in the final fifteen minutes. This, then is Doctor Who in 2010. Big, loud, a bit Scottish, a bit ginger. A sexy new TARDIS and a sexy new TARDIS crew. Sound.

'Course I came back. I always come back ... Trust me, I'm the Doctor.' Yeah. That sounds about right to me.

Week Fifteen: Send For The Cavalry

Phil Glenister - who was seen roaring back onto out screens in typically abrasive style last night - has claimed that it is the right time for Ashes To Ashes to conclude. Glenister, who plays the legendary Gene Hunt in the show, revealed that more of his character's private life will emerge in the final series. 'I think Gene has to remain an enigma,' he told the Daily Record. 'It was important we didn't know too much about his home life. 'We've had to do some of that in this series, though. In the past I was vehemently against the idea of seeing him at home, but we'll learn more about him, what he stands for, who he is, really.' Glenister also said that fans of Life On Mars and Ashes To Ashes will receive answers in the show's finale. 'It's come full circle and we learn things about Sam Tyler and his relationship with Gene,' he explained. 'Hopefully it will tie everything up. But there'll probably still be people complaining on message boards online.' Oh, I'd've said that's a given, Phil. He continued: 'It's definitely the right time to end it. It's right to go out at the top, but you know, all good things must come to an end. I've been doing this for five years, the longest I've ever played a character. The last thing we want is, "Series ten, episode nine, and we've run out of stories." I felt instinctively this is enough. We've done five. It'll be hard to leave, of course it will. It's a great show to work on.'

Yer Keith Telly Topping was fair-miffed that Stacie went out of MasterChef last night. Although, to be fair, she did seem to be having a bad day at the office. Not that this was helped, it should be noted, by the perfectly wretched sarky comments given to her food by that sour-faced stick-insect the loathsome Kate Spicer (a woman who looks like she's never smiled, once, and never eaten a decent meal in her life) and miserable fattie Charles Campion (a man who looks like he's eaten more than a few too many ... and has the misfortune to be a dead-ringer for Peter Griffin from Family Guy). For once, Jay Rayner was almost restrained by comparison! That'll be The ONE Show's bland-indifference rubbing of on him, no doubt. Anyway, Dhruv, Tim and Alex are the final three and, next week, we'll see how they get on. For what it's worth, Stace, I thought your pork and black pudding thing looked gorgeous!

According to The British Comedy Guide's twitter feed the BBC have ordered another series of Qi in addition to the already announced 'H' series which is currently being written and will be recorded this year for transmission in the winter (probably beginning shortly before Christmas). Series 'I' will be filmed in the summer of 2011. No news yet on whether that will also be sixteen episodes likes series 'G' and 'H.' The 'G' series ended with a splendid episode which saw Johnny Vegas riffing quite brilliantly on the inherently ephemeral nature of the international date line, a really interesting discussion on the vexed question of onomatopoeia and Alan Davies winning by a veritable street. It's been a while since that happened.

Friday 9 April
In the latest episode of Ashes to Ashes - 9:00 BBC1 - a severed hand arrives in the post at Fenchurch East police station. It's branded with a crescent moon symbol, which leads Gene Hunt and his team to reopen inquiries into the deaths of six women, all brutally murdered and buried in shallow graves. As it turns out, the victims were all on the books of a dating agency run by the elegant and respectable Elaine Downing (played by Glenister's real-life wife, Beth Goddard), so Alex Drake (Keeley Hawes) goes under cover as a lonely 'Kate Winslet' to try to trap the killer. She flabbergasts everyone with the suggestion of a speed-dating night; but of course such things were unheard of in 1983 and the squad's reaction to this innovation is as though Alex has just discovered the secret of fire. The central plot is a bit weak but, as ever with Ashes to Ashes, it's the little things that count; the swirling blizzard of tiny details that are gradually building up to complete the final big picture - the increasingly murky mystery surrounding the death of Sam Tyler, Alex's vivid dreams and the looming presence of the dogged, enigmatic, baby-faced DCI Jim Keats. And, of course, the nostalgia of a soundtrack that speaks to those of us of a certain age of teenage parties and cheap lager.

It appears as though Peter and Leanne will be the next couple to walk down Coronation Street's often rubble-strewn metaphorical aisle at 7:30 on ITV. In a Rovers that's still packed out with the guests from Ken and Deirdre's anniversary party, Leanne turns the tables on her boyfriend and a proposal soon follows. After a tumultuous couple of months, this looks like being something of a heartening turn of events. Elsewhere, however, romantic complications are the order of the day as Sophie reveals her news about Ryan to Sian, leading to an almighty bust-up. Poor Sophie - not only is her best friend rejecting her, but she also has to put up with WAG-in-waiting Rosie bringing footballer Kyle home for dinner.

Saturday 10 April
The new series of Doctor Who is back - 6:15 BBC1. You might have just noticed. In the latest installment, The Beast Below, the Doctor takes his new companion, Amy, to the distant future, where she finds all of Britain in a giant spaceship. Yeah, I've had nights like that, chuck. Usually after a couple of glasses of wine and a particularly mind-bending curry, admittedly.

Sunday 11 April
In Foyle's War - 8:00 ITV - it's July 1945 and Britain is settling into peacetime. So when, exactly, is this fine drama going to be renamed Foyle's Peace, then? When Sam's new boss, the renowned artist Sir Leonard Spencer-Jones is found dead in his home, suspicion falls on Niko, a Russian prisoner of war whom the artist had taken under his wing. This is particularly bad news for Sam who now finds herself one of the first victims of post-wear unemployment. When Niko flees Sussex for the sanctuary of the Russian House in London, Foyle is dispatched by the War Office to bring him back. Accompanied by Sam, who believes that Niko is innocent, the pair arrive in London and soon stumble on a massive international conspiracy that could topple the government if it is revealed. Although, to be fair, the unemployment figures could probably do that as well so, you know, double bonus. Vote for the Welfare State, you know it makes sense.

It's a good night for period drama, actually, something that British TV has a worldwide reputation for. A Passionate Woman - 9:00 BBC1 - is a fine looking two-part period drama based on a secret told to writer Kay Mellor by her mother. It is the 1950s and Betty lives in a cold, two-roomed flat in a shabby Victorian house situated in a particularly poor area of Leeds. Her husband, Donald, is focused on saving to improve their lives as they start a family. The only respite Betty gets from the day-to-day drudgery of her gloomy working class home is the flash glamour of the Balula Dance Hall, which she visits once a week. But Betty's world is turned upside down when a handsome Polish man called Craze asks her to dance. Stars Billie Piper, Theo James and Joe Armstrong. The second part - set thirty years later and featuring Sue Johnston and Joe's dad, Alun - as older versions of Betty and Donald, is next Sunday.

Monday 12 April
The patron saint of small Nepalese chaps, Joanna Lumley goes off on the trip of a lifetime - exploring the longest river in the world from sea to source in Joanna Lumley's Nile - 9:00 ITV. Joanna's recent TV documentaries, Northern Lights and Catwoman, have been really rather good - she's obviously got a flair for this kind of thing. In this first programme Joanna follows the Nile through Egypt capturing the spirit of Agatha Christie in Cairo and later on a luxurious Nile cruise. She travels by train, road and Felucca barge, discovering life as it is today along one of the world's greatest rivers. The programme ends in Aswan, a town the Victorians viewed as 'being on the edge of civilisation' which is how Joanna feels as she contemplates the next stage of her journey - the dry, remote deserts of northern Sudan. Still, at the end of the day there's no denying that this appears to be another example of a format which is beloved by television: 'Husky-voiced posh bird goes on very expensive location travelogue with camera crew.' I know that kind of thing puts some people's backs right up. Me, I'm a sucker for husky-voiced posh birds. Except for Sohpie Dahl.

The incredible story behind one the archaeological finds on the millennia is told in Saxon Gold: Finding the Hoard - 9:00 Channel 4. One of the most significant discoveries of recent years was made in 2009 by metal detecting enthusiast Terry Herbert when he found a one thousand six hundred-piece treasure hoard worth over three million pounds. Like most of Channel 4's pop-archeology formats - most obviously Time Team and its various spin-offs - this has the advantage of taking a potentially dry (and rather snooty) subject for television and bringing it to life for the viewers via simple tricks like enthusiastic presentation, social historical context and a vague relevance to the modern day. Love it. More of this, please.

Oh, no, you might well be saying. Not another cookery show, Keith Telly Topping. We're still recovering from all those MasterChef episodes you recommended. Yeah, yeah. Life's a bitch and then you die. Out of the Frying Pan - 9:00 BBC2 - sees The Restaurant contestants James Knight Pacheco and Alasdair Hooper return for a new series. Since 2009, chef James and front-of-house Ali have worked at Raymond Blanc's Michelin-starred restaurant. Now they're testing their skills in the real world, as 'event caterers.' Their first client couldn't be a bigger challenge: Dragon's Den tycoon Duncan Bannatyne wants a dinner party for eight friends and neighbours at his villa in the south of France. Without language skills or local knowledge, can James and Ali deliver? So, I'm guessing the chances of an actual frying pan appearing in this episode - cooking up, perhaps, a nice sizzling side of bacon - are probably quite slim. Pity.

Tuesday 13 April
Spoilt Rotten? - 9:00 BBC1 - is the latest in a particularly Twenty First Century style of TV. Finger-wagging 'lifestyle-awareness-and-correction' conceits from 'those who know better.' They think. With unprecedented access to Alder Hey Children's Hospital in Liverpool, Panorama meets the children suffering from allegedly preventable conditions as a result of their lifestyles, and the paediatricians who are treating them, and then follows them home in an attempt to uncover the root cause of their problems. Reporter Richard Bilton soon discovers that some of the basic health messages from the doctors are not getting through to the parents. Seriously, you have to wonder about the mentality of any parent who would allow themselves and their children to be featured in something as pointedly nasty as this. Leave them alone, you feckless bully, they're not your concern. Anybody else think that it's about time television - and society in general - stopped telling everybody else how to live their lives and got on with living their own? No? Just me then ...

Cowboy Builders - 8:00 Five - sees one of TV's oddest couples, large-chested Melinda Messenger and gnomish Dominic Littlewood 'come to the rescue' of homeowners who have been let down by shoddy builders. In this episode, they meet a family from Sheffield who were left with a derelict house and thousands of pounds' worth of debt after a cowboy builder conned them out of their cash. But, one has to ask - as we have done in the past - when Dom and Mel say they're 'coming to the rescue' of these poor unfortunate people, does that mean that they're going to be turning up in Sheffield with a cement mixer, a load of two-by-four and a construction crew. Because, by the sound of it the family's most urgent need is, you know, a roof over their head, not a couple of well-paid TV personalities doorstepping the dodgy builders who left them destitute in the first place. Revenge can wait, it's some shelter they need.

In Holby City - 8:00 BBC1 - Jac is determined to be unaffected by her mother's situation, but when Paula deteriorates Jac decides to offer her kidney. She tells her it's just to get Paula out of the way. Chrissie goes into early labour and the baby arrives. She finally admits that Sacha is the father and realises he needs to be involved. When Faye is forced to deal with a difficult patient alone, she realises she doesn't need a man in order to stand on her own two feet.

Wednesday 14 April
Waterloo Road, the school-based drama series returned to BBC1 at 8:00 last week. Ruby's stress levels hit boiling point on a disastrous class trip to a farm. There's going to be major changes to the show later in the series with some long-running characters leaving. So, if you've been a fan of it up till now, be prepared.

The Man Who Injects Venom - 8:00 Five - is a documentary exploring the fascinating story of Steve Ludwin, a reptile enthusiast who has been injecting snake venom into himself for the last twenty years. Steve is convinced that the venom has medicinal properties and has been slowly building up his immunity to the deadly toxins. This film follows him to Florida, where he meets two other dedicated 'self-immunisers.' Meanwhile, scientists in London test Steve's blood to see if his controversial theories about snake venom have any merit.

Relocation, Relocation - 8:00 Channel 4 - sees property experts horsey Kirstie Allsopp and balding Phil Spencer help yet more middle-class people change their accommodation and their lives. But, not too much in the case of the latter. Tonight, Phil and Kirstie help John Stevenson and Ingrid Weber find a property in Budapest, where John works as an airline executive, as well as a house in Luton which will serve as both a home for Ingrid and an investment for John. And so, yet again, in a time when most people can't even afford to buy one house, Channel 4 dip into their seemingly bottomless pit of want, want, want young professionals who knit their own yogurt and have 'nothing but total respect' for Annie Lennox who require two. Is there an agency that supplies these people on demand? And, at the risk of sounding like a broken record please note, one thing you'll never see featured on this show is the story of former sheet metal worker unemployed Kev and his heavily pregnant girlfriend Tracey who'd like to move from their one bedroom slum in Gateshead to a similar house three streets away. I wonder why that is?

Thursday 15 April
Welcome to Lagos - 9:00 BBC2 - is a three-part observational documentary series which explores life at the sharp end of one of the most extreme urban environments in the world: Lagos, the capital of Nigeria. Today, more than half of the world's population live in cities, and this eye-opening series shows what life is really like in some of the toughest parts of the world's fastest growing metropolises. The first episode uncovers life in the Olusosun rubbish dump. Here, around one thousand people live, literally, on top of the rubbish in shanty-town houses which they have built from scrap.

One of the surprise TV hits of 2009 was You Have Been Watching - 10:00 Channel 4. This is a comedy panel show looking at the weird world of TV and hosted by the fearsome, vicious, acid-tongued reviewer genius that is King Charlie Brooker. On the face of it, this didn't seem to have a lot going for it when it began - a kind of TV industry version of Never Mind The Buzzcocks, you just wished the guests would shut the hell up and leave us with half-an-hour of Charlie being vicious about Come Dine With Me. But, after a coupel of episodes, they started to get the right kind of guests (people like Frankie Boyle and David Mitchell features last time around) and it became unmissable. if you enjoy watching Charlie's other shows - like Screenwipe - then you'll love this.

And finally, in EastEnders - 7:30 BBC1 - is the writing on the wall for Christian and Syed's secret love? Lots of homophobic right-wing scum in 'media watchdog' organisations will certainly be hoping so. Meanwhile, Ronnie struggles to get through to a suffering Jack, Pat and Peggy are raked over the coals by a charming journalist, and Ben reaches the end of the line with his bullies.

And so, inevitably, to some Top Telly News: Chris Tarrant has admitted that filming new game show The Door was 'deeply unpleasant.' Now that's a ringing endorsement which I'm sure the producers really wanted to hear from their presenter. The programme sees a group of celebrities facing their worst fears in an attempt to win twenty five thousand smackers for charity. Tarrant, who hosts the show alongside Amanda Holden, explained that he struggled just as much as the stars taking part. 'Behind one of the doors was an abattoir filled with rotting sheep and cow heads with flies all over them,' he told the Sun. 'The key they had to find to get out of the room was hidden in one of the sheep's heads. Plus they had released two thousand bluebottles into the studio and of course after the item was over, the flies didn't suddenly disappear. They were still all around.' He continued: 'I never moan but that was the most unpleasant day's filming I've ever had in my life. Someone said, "Oh come on, Chris, you must have had worse on Tiswas." But no, that was all lovely clean custard tipped over your head.' Tarrant added that he would have loved Simon Cowell to appear on the programme. 'I would love to see Simon Cowell naked, covered in honey and dog food, going through the process of The Door,' he said. I'm sure you're not alone there, Chris. There must be some other sick individual who's just been released back into society for whom that's also their own private fantasy website on the Internet. 'Can you imagine the ratings?' I'm trying to, Chris, I'm really trying to.

Charlie Sheen is reportedly quitting the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men. A source told People magazine that the actor will not return to the show after recording a final episode on 9 April . The insider claimed that 'Charlie's just done' and that he is 'quietly telling his friends he's not coming back.' The forty four-year-old has apparently decided not to renew his contract with CBS for an eighth season. 'Leaving is one hundred per cent his idea,' the source continued.

Dominic West has revealed that he thinks British actors get cast in the US because they are 'cheaper' than their American counterparts. The forty-year-old actor, famous for playing Jimmy McNulty in The Wire, claimed that casting directors prefer British actors because they do not charge as much money and are less demanding. He told FHM: 'Why are British stars doing so well? I suppose my flippant answer is that we're cheaper and we don't complain as much, but I don't know why, really. One reason might be that American actors may not be so good in an ensemble. They'd be more interested in being a star, whereas The Wire was very much an ensemble piece.' West also stated that his starring role in the renowned TV crime drama - which ran for five seasons until 2008 - is the main focus of people's interest in him. He said: 'It's the only reason most people want to talk to me. It has certainly changed my career, it's brought me a bit of recognition. It's great that a lot of people of all ages and backgrounds are digging it.'

Neal McDonough has reportedly been fired from his latest television show for refusing to film sex scenes. The actor, who previously played Edie's husband in Desperate Housewives, had signed up to star in new ABC series Scoundrels. However, Deadline Hollywood claims that McDonough was replaced by David James Ellicot after just three days when he said that he would not film intimate scenes because of his Catholic faith. ABC is allegedly angry that McDonough was unaware of the scenes before production began as he had been sent the script weeks prior to filming. Meanwhile, one source claimed that he even refused to kiss his co-star Virginia Madsen. 'It wasn't just "heated love scenes,"' the insider explained. 'He wouldn't do any kissing whatsoever, even though those scenes were clearly in the scripts he read before taking the role. He didn't tell the producers that cast him on this show that he had any issues with this until shooting started. So unprofessional, and such a shame because he is a great talent.' Another source said: 'It has cost him jobs, but the man is sticking to his principles.'

EastEnders actress Tiana Benjamin is to leave the BBC soap later this year. The twenty five-year-old - who has played beautician Chelsea Fox since May 2006 - recently decided to leave her Albert Square counterpart behind and pursue other projects. Speaking of her decision, she said: 'I have had an amazing time at EastEnders and this has been a very difficult decision for me to make but now seems like the right time to move on and leave Chelsea behind even through she's been such a fantastic character to play.' Details of Chelsea's exit story have yet to be finalised but Benjamin is expected to film her final scenes within the next few months.

Former Hollyoaks actress Zoë Lister has admitted that she gets annoyed when people make jokes about the soap. Well, I'd start getting used to it if I were you, love, because it's not going to stop anytime soon. Unless the show does, of course. In which case people usually do forget. Eventually.

Noel Fielding has announced that he wants to create a trilogy of The Mighty Boosh films. One of which might even be funny. But, I wouldn't bet on it. The show's co-writer revealed to BBC Newsbeat that the first film, which is set in the Arctic, would be the beginning of a trilogy of road movies set in different locations as long as the comedy duo could secure enough funding. Thankfully, however, there's a recession on so that looks unlikely for the time being. God bless you, Gordon Brown, I knew you'd do something right sooner or later. Fielding said: 'I'm pretty pleased the way it's going. I'm quite excited. Fingers crossed but I don't want to jinx it. It might be awful.' Might it? Oh dear. That's such a surprise. 'In our heads it's like Indiana Jones, it's huge, but obviously it'll probably be more like Moon where we can have an exterior and then lots of models and CGI."'

David Boreanaz has paid a moving tribute to his former Angel co-star Andy Hallett on the anniversary of his death. Hallett died on 29 March last year from congestive heart failure. He played the role of Lorne the Green-Skinned Singing Demon on Joss Whedon's Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin-off. Speaking to if magazine, Boreanaz praised Hallett's acting talent and warm personality. 'Andy was a great spirit, a great person who brought a great character to a Joss Whedon universe,' the Bones star said. The actor revealed that he had phoned Hallett's parents when he heard the news to give his condolences. 'It's always a shame when a great talent like that is taken from the world,' he continued. 'Nobody wants to hear that news, and [for those who were] close enough to that person, it was obviously a big shock when it happened.'

The photographer behind Tennis Girl, one of the world's biggest-selling posters, has died at the age of sixty three. Martin Elliott took his most famous shot in 1976 of his then-girlfriend dressed in tennis gear, hitching her skirt to reveal a bare bottom. The image, which originally featured in a calendar, shot to fame and more than two million copies were sold worldwide. Mr Elliott died at his home in Truro, Cornwall, last week following a ten-year battle with cancer. He took his most famous picture, featuring knickerless eighteen-year-old Fiona Butler, on a university tennis court while studying photography in Birmingham. The pair borrowed a white tennis dress, racket and balls for the shot which was taken from behind as Butler raised her dress, showing her left cheek. The picture was sold to poster chain Athena but Elliott retained the copyright. It was first published as part of a calendar for the 1977 Silver Jubilee before being made into the poster that hung on schoolboys' bedroom walls around the world. And, yes Keith Telly Topping did have one of those. It got him through some dark, lonely, winter nights in the late 70sd he can tell you, dear blog reader. The poster was derided by critics at the time as 'a schoolboy's fantasy' but it went on to become one of the most famous pictures in the world. On his own website, Elliott called it 'the most published photograph in the world.'

Katie Price's family and friends have reportedly told her to 'seek professional help.' That's professional medical help, just in case there's any confusion.

It's Written In The Stars. Apparently.

Firstly, dear blog reader, yer Keith Telly Topping advises you all to check out this quite brilliant spoof of the opening sequence of Wonders of the Solar System.

That's naughty! (And, probably, against several copyright laws.) But, very very funny.

And, speaking of the excellent Wonders of the Solar System, during the most recent episode, Brian Cox described astrology as 'rubbish.' Not an unreasonable position to hold for an extremely clever scientist, one might suggest. Even astrology's biggest supporters would have to concede that there's no scientific evidence for its existence. Like religion, belief in it largely rests on a question of faith that it does exist. Unsurprisingly, however, the Daily Mail's astrologer - one Jonathan Cainer - didn't like this comment. Oooo, mad-vexed, so he was. Well, it was somebody on the BBC saying something that he disagreed with and he works for the Daily Mail, what did you honestly expect? So, what does he do? Egged on - as he freely admits - by The Astrological Association of Great Britain (for such a body does, indeed, exist dear blog reader) he encourages his readers to complain to the BBC. Well done, fellah. Seriously. I'm sure that your mother is very proud of you. From The North understands that The Flat Earth Society of Great Britain and The Looking At Chickens Entrails For Signs & Wonders Society of Great Britain are, also, considering their next move in this regard.

Nargis became the latest contestant to leave MasterChef during last night's hour-long episode. Following some mildly diverting professional kitchen shenanigans, the five remaining chefs were invited to use any ingredients they liked in a - literal - cook-off. 'Cooking doesn't get any tougher than this,' said Gregg Wallace. Again! Tim and Alex impressed with their dishes (the latter, worryingly, being winked at by Gregg when he tasted his chili-prawns. Oi, cut it out, Wallace, I'm pretty sure husky-voiced India Fisher told us earlier in the series that Alex has a steady girlfriend!) Dhruv and Stacie also went through leaving Nargis to exit, in a flood of tears, stage right whilst they played the Michael Andrews and Gary Jules version of 'Mad World.' Not, perhaps, the most tactful of choices for exit-music. (Particularly as snatch of 'Unfinished Sympathy' had featured earlier on.) Thereafter MasterChef, briefly, turned into a farcical episode of The Krypton Factor as the remaining four semi-finalists faced the daunting prospect of preparing a meal and then negotiating a virtual assault course to deliver it to some hoity-toity diners at The Tower of London. And, it was great stuff and genuinely moving to see all four of them do well in very trying circumstances. Tonight will see these four reduced to the final three as they cook for a trio of sour-faced restaurant critics. I'll tell you what, if that bastard Jay Rayner makes Modette Stacie cry, yer Keith Telly Topping will just have to kill him. Or, if he makes Dhruv cry for that matter. Tim and Alex, I'm sure, can look after themselves.

Alan Davies has said that he 'hates' Qi repeats being frequently shown on TV. The comedian, who is a permanent fixture on the Stephen Fry-presented quiz, said that channels such as Dave (which regularly repeats the series) 'devalue' the brand. 'The thing I really hate is Qi being in a soup of shows on one of these repeat channels,' said the Jonathan Creek star. 'I hate that you can't make an audience wait for a couple of months and then say, "Here's a new series." Because then people would say, "Great," and we'd get loads more viewers. I hate things being repeated night after night. Not least because I don't get paid for it. I hate that as well. We get a very small fee and then they rerun it for twenty years.' So, in other words, 'give me some more money and I'll hate it a bit less.' He added: 'It drives me mad. I would like to be off the telly sometimes. You begin to irritate yourself.'

Johnny Vegas has left Benidorm, it has been confirmed. The thirty eight-year-old comedian told the Sun that he was sad to be leaving the show but that he understands the move by producers. 'Benidorm's happening again but I won't be part of it,' he said. 'Unfortunately, it will be fun in the sun without us.' He added: 'The show moves on. Best of luck to them.' According to reports, a new set of characters will be introduced to fill the gap left by Vegas. An insider is quoted by the newspaper as saying: 'Benidorm is a massive flagship show for ITV and they want to make sure it stays fresh. The new characters are going to make it more outrageous and funny than ever before. It's a shame for Johnny but he'll pop up elsewhere.' An ITV spokesperson added: 'The Oracle will not be returning to Benidorm this year but other new characters will be introduced. It has been a great pleasure working with Johnny and we thank him for his fantastic commitment to the phenomenal success of Benidorm over the past four years. The new series of Benidorm kicks off in 2011. But fans can get a fix later this year when the show returns in a one-off special.' Johnny, meanwhile, will be appearing in the next series of Ideal very soon on BBC3.

The BBC4 drama Canoe Man, in which Bernard Hill played John Darwin, the man who claimed that he had came back from the dead five years after apparently dying in a canoeing accident, was watched by nearly one million viewers on Wednesday night. Writer and director Norman Hull's one-off drama, which co-starred Saskia Reeves as Darwin's wife Anne, averaged eight hundred and thirty nine thousand viewers according to unofficial overnight figures, a huge figure for BBC4.

TV's second favourite doctor is returning, ITV have announced as Doc Martin has been recommissioned for a fifth series. The Martin Clunes-fronted comedy-drama will return in 2011 for eight hour-long episodes. 'Doc Martin is a massive audience pleaser for ITV,' said the channel's controller of drama commissioning Sally Haynes. 'We're thrilled Martin has agreed to play [the character] for another series.' Caroline Catz, Ian McNiece, Joe Absolom and John Marquez are also expected to reprise their roles for the new run.

Jenny McApline has claimed that she made Dean Gaffney 'puke' while filming the ITV game show The Door. The Coronation Street actress and Gaffney are two of the celebrities taking part in the programme, which starts tonight. Hosted by Amanda Holden and Chris Tarrant, the show challenges two teams of celebrities to take on tests which will challenge all their senses. Speaking about the show, McAlpine said: 'I can definitely say that there'll be retching. I actually made Dean physically sick in one of the challenges. Something I do makes him puke. There's definitely some screaming, laughing, every emotion going.' The EastEnders actor, who famously took part in a number of bushtucker trials on I'm A Celebrity ... commented: 'The show is the most horrific thing I have ever done and probably one of the most enjoyable. There is one challenge we do where the smell was nothing like I have ever experienced.' GMTV presenter Michael Underwood, who is also taking part in the programme, added: 'In some of the challenges I couldn't even see Dean and all I could hear was him retching round the corner somewhere.' Sounds great. I'll be watching Ashes To Ashes on the other side, personally.

GMTV hosts Lorraine Kelly and Kate Garraway have both admitted that they fear being axed from the show amid its ongoing revamp. Last month, it was announced that Penny Smith and John Stapleton are to be dropped as regular anchors as part of a drive to cut costs. Further changes have not been ruled out. Speaking to the Mirror, Kelly commented: 'It is very unsettling for everyone. It's a tough time as no-one knows what is going to happen. All we can do is pull together and hope for the best.' Meanwhile, Garraway confessed: 'I'm worried, everyone is. Still, I've been here for ten years and I'm so grateful for that. Anything else will be a bonus. We're just keeping our fingers crossed.' ITV sources told the newspaper that Kelly's LK Today slot is 'likely to be safe' but that more cutbacks could be on the way for the main programme.

The BBC is lining up its first major documentary series about the Queen since the so called Queengate scandal rocked the TV industry two-and-a-half years ago. Andrew Marr will present a three part series for BBC1, which will air in 2012 - the year of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee - and examine the contribution she makes to the running of the country. Marr has already started researching the project and expects it to be 'properly serious and intelligent. This will be about how she reigns, what it means, what we do and don't get out of the royal banquets and visits - and her vast accumulated knowledge of the inside story of every government since Churchill was prime minister,' he said. However, Buckingham Palace has been careful about granting access to BBC cameras following the 2007 Queengate row and Marr told Broadcast magazine that progress has been moving at 'a stately pace. It's early days. I haven't got a single shot in the can yet. There is a delicate balance between securing access that will give us proper insight on the one hand, and being too intrusive on the other,' he said. 'There was quite a sense of being once bitten - but good for [the palace] that they haven't slammed closed the shutters.' Marr said that he is a supporter of the Queen on a personal level and will also use his research for a forthcoming biography of the monarch. The in-house series is being developed under the working title Diamond Queen and was originated by Nick Vaughan-Barratt, who is also executive producer. BBC1 controller Jay Hunt and Martin Davidson ordered the series. Both the BBC and Buckingham Palace declined to comment further. Marr is also working on BBC1 series Metropolis, to air later this year, which will examine the workings of four urban conurbations.

Simon Cowell's proposed movie about Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts has reportedly been shelved by Paramount Pictures according to the Sun. Hard to imagine how they could turn down such an obvious winner, is it not?

Liverpool school children will be shown episodes of The Simpsons in order to curb violence in the classroom. Pupils at eight schools will watch clips featuring the show's cartoon characters Itchy and Scratchy trying to kill each other in an attempt to explain the effects of violent behaviour, the Daily Star reports. A group called Support After Murder and Manslaughter Merseyside is running the project, which is aimed at nine to eleven-year-olds, alongside Merseyside police and crime-cutting group Citysafe. SAMM Merseyside chairman Gaynor Bell told the newspaper: 'We are trying to get the message across that any action you take has a consequence.'

A debt firm which had Coronation Street actor Michael Le Vell on its board has folded, according to a report. The actor, who plays Weatherfield's Kevin Webster, joined Altrincham-based Ratio Money in April 2009 in a bid to help people who had been 'ripped off' by banks and lenders. Speaking at the time, Le Vell commented: 'Thousands of people are suffering - but help is at hand.' Ratio Money promised to carry out audits of its clients' credit agreements to determine whether they complied with the Consumer Credit Act. If not, the company would attempt to have their debts written off. However, the Mirror reports that the firm failed to recover from a severe setback which occurred in December when a High Court ruling removed many of the loopholes used to write off debts. Le Vell, who reportedly quit as a director last month, could not comment on the newspaper's story as he is currently on holiday.

Sky's chief executive Jeremy Darroch has criticised Ofcom's pay-TV ruling, claiming it has got its decision 'badly wrong' and will 'hit British sport where it hurts.' The Sky boss reacted angrily to Ofcom's intervention in its business, pointing out that no other regulator in the world is setting TV pricing levels. 'I think it's very easy to say it would be nice if everything was cheaper but that is an argument you can apply to pretty much everything from cars to take away coffee,' said Darroch. ' It's not the job of regulators to set prices in free markets unless there's clear evidence of breach of law or consumer harm and that is manifestly not the case here.' He went on to warn that sporting bodies, which have received major funding from selling broadcast TV rights, would suffer. Sky's rivals that have so far opted not to invest significantly in sport, would be even less likely to do so if they know they can simply buy up the rights at a regulated price. 'That risk is undermining the virtuous cycle that's been created in British sport over the last few years with sustained investment, much of it from broadcast TV rights, that's really flowed through at all levels and has had positive effects right through sports,' he said. The governing bodies of cricket and rugby have already spoken out against the Ofcom ruling. Sky have said that will challenge both the decision itself and seek to secure 'a stay of implementation' from the Competition Appeals Tribunal so it is not forced to offer its rivals its channels while a final decision is pending. 'The UK needs companies that are willing to invest, to innovate and to take risks. And ultimately it's that which will deliver good outcomes for consumers, not heavy handed price regulation,' said Darroch.

Ian Wright expressed outrage on Live From Studio Five on Wednesday night after The Libertines spat beer over the show's reporter, Minnie Stephenson. Stephenson was interviewing the band on location at The Boogalo pub in North London, where they had earlier held a press conference to discuss their reunion plans. As the chat began, singer Carl Barat was seen commenting on an earlier incident which had apparently involved his band-mate, Gary Powell. He told Stephenson: 'I have to apologise as our drummer just spat beer over your back.' Viewers then watched as singer Pete Doherty approached Stephenson from behind and spat beer which appeared to land in her hair, prompting her say: 'There it is again. Wow, look at that - I've just been splashed with beer again. It's so rock 'n' roll, guys.' When the show returned to the studio, host Wright was visibly angry and blasted: 'You know what, Pete Doherty does my head in. I hate that geezer. He's spitting on her back. What a complete mug he is. What a fool. I hate that guy.' So, that's Sven-Göran Eriksson, Melinda Messenger and Pete Doherty on Wrighty's shit-list, it would seem.

Sky has recruited Girls Aloud singer Kimberley Walsh to present a documentary about jeans. In the show, titled Jean Evolution, the pop star will travel around the US and Europe to research the history of the denim clothing and investigate how jeans became so popular. Walsh said: 'This programme will reveal the hidden truth behind jeans and will offer lots of advice so we can all find that elusive perfect pair, whatever our shape and size.' This is the singer's first foray into presenting , although she has previously worked as a roving reporter for The X Factor. Filming on Jean Evolution begins this month and the one-off documentary will be shown on Sky 1 later this year. Fellow Girls Aloud member Nicola Roberts presented the BBC3 documentary The Truth About Tanning, which focused on the subject of tanning addiction.

The pin-up girl for yer Keith Telly Topping's generation of lonely teenage boys, Jenny Agutter, has revealed that she would be interested in a return to [Spooks]. The Railway Children legend appeared as the duplicitous Tessa Phillips from the start of the BBC spy drama, with her character leaving the country towards the end of the second season. When asked if she ever considered coming back to the programme, Agutter told the Digital Spy website: 'Absolutely. Tessa's not dead yet! It's just about finding the right story. I think it's been mentioned, but we'd have to find something. It'd be nice to do. I think there's a lot to get sorted out with Harry, don't you? There's the possibility for a good battle there again!' She added of the show, which is currently filming its ninth series: 'I do think it's always had good writers and they do really do keep it moving along and it's riveting.'

Ashley Jones has said that she is happy to show off her bottom for scenes in vampire drama True Blood. The actress joined the cast of the FX show as waitress Daphne Landry in its second season. Jones told FHM of winning the part: 'When we got down to the final auditions I thought I wouldn't get the part as the other two girls I was up against said they were okay with the nudity and I wasn't comfortable in getting everything out. But luckily they went with me, it just meant that I had sign off on the nakedness. I was fine with being shot from the back and showing a bit of butt, but I got to see each shot and could veto anything I didn't like.' She added: 'I can tell you, having sex on the pool table might look fun, but it really isn't. I had a big prosthetic scar on my back which kept sticking to the baize so we kept having to stop, clean it up and then re-shoot it. I've also had to film scenes like this on top of a desk and on the kitchen floor, and it's very awkward and becomes very technical.'

Coleen Nolan has admitted that she will feel lost on Friday nights following the conclusion of Dancing On Ice. The Loose Women presenter hosted spin-off show Dancing On Ice Friday throughout the skating contest's recent run, which ended on Sunday with Hayley Tamaddon voted as the winner. Writing in her column for the Mirror, Nolan asked readers: 'What on earth am I going to do with myself tomorrow night now that Dancing On Ice Friday is over?' I dunno. Get a real job?

Amanda Holden has said that the upcoming series of Britain's Got Talent will be the 'funniest' yet. This, dear blog readers, from the same woman who assured us that Big Top was going to be side-splitting funny - as opposed to merely its disastrous ratings being side-splittingly funny. So, do we trust her? About as far as the Libertines can spit, frankly.

Neighbours bosses have rubbished press claims that Katie Price was to make a cameo appearance in the Australian soap. Earlier this week, a tabloid newspaper claimed that the mostly plastic glamour girl had been approached to film a guest spot when she visits Australia later in the year. However, responding to the rumour, a Neighbours spokeswoman told Holy Soap: 'It's not true.'

Oh, and another quick reminder. Just in case you'd by any chance forgotten, this is back tomorrow at 6:20 on BBC1.And, it's about time.

Finger-Lickin' Good

Terry was the first of the six semi-finalists to be eliminated in last night's MasterChef. Clearly a favourite of John Tordoe (if not Gregg Wallace), the guy had obvious - and staggering - talent but he seemed something of a nervous wreck on occasions. This was particularly noticeable earlier when, whilst cooking for some ladies from the WI, he and Alex had a complete disaster trying to cook fishcakes. If the BBC are looking for an absurdist comedy-of-errors format to replace Big Top, a sitcom set around those two in a kitchen on the evidence of this particularly gig certainly has some car crash potential. Torode and Wallace praised Terry's delicious looking chicken and penny bun mushroom plate, but complained that his accompanying chicken pie was too tough. 'There some very big pluses on the plate and some very big minuses,' said Gregg. 'We need a little bit more seasoning on the mash potato. The chicken in the pie is a little bit hard.' John added: 'You have a gift, but at some stage you need to learn when to leave it alone.' Speaking afterwards, a tearful Terry said: 'That was my world. It's just been ripped apart. That was my chance and I blew it. I wanted to be there to the end and win. I really thought I could.' Elsewhere, yer Keith Telly Topping was with little Sunderland Stace all the way; there was absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with the size of that portion of cream cake which she served the ladies. I eat one of them virtually daily. Mind you, that's probably why I'm the size I am. Anyway, I was rather surprised to find my own Top Tip for the title, Dhruv, beating himself up over his chicken and mushroom dish at the end, when it looked (and, seemingly, tasted) perfectly fine. High standards, one supposes. You do wonder if that perfectionism might become counter productive as the series gets tougher. I hope not because, clearly, he's a rare talent. Mind you, Alex's risotto looked like a work of art, too. And as for the taste, when Gregg's little face lit up on taking a mouthful and he simply said 'aw, yeah!' you kind of knew he wasn't in any danger of getting the old heave ho. Alex and Dhruv join Stacie, Tim and Nargis in the final five.

Kiefer Sutherland has revealed that 24's cancellation has saddened him. However, the award-winning actor - who plays one-man armour-plated killing machine Jack Bauer on the FOX action drama - claimed that he is comforted by the show's creative achievement. Yeah. I'm sure all of the production staff who probably depend on their wages to, you know, pay their rent and stuff, will also be comforted by artistic concerns. He told Variety: 'It's going to get sadder and sadder. But I think it's going to be tempered by a sense of accomplishment. I absolutely believe that creatively we finish in a really strong place.'

Charlie's vision will play a major part in the investigation in FlashForward, Sonya Walger has revealed. The actress, who plays Charlie's mother Olivia Benford on the ABC drama, said that the child will come to the forefront of the show in future episodes. 'The information Charlie has is so powerful that it forces a crisis between Olivia and Mark,' she told TV Guide. 'Olivia offers him an ultimatum that he can't live up to.' Hopefully, there'll be enough of an audience left for the show to watch these episodes.

Meanwhile, various TV-related websites are reporting that a number of FlashForward actors are already signing up to pilots that are currently being developed and which could possibly launch in the autumn. With FlashForward's ratings in ever declining freefall, actors now appear to be preparing to jump ship before it sinks completely, minimising what little hope that remains for a possible second series for the time travel saga. Christine Woods who plays lesbian FBI agent Janice, has already signed up to star in the NBC sitcom pilot, Perfect Couples. The actress has however confirmed that if FlashForward is renewed she will quit the lead role in the new comedy.

Elizabeth Mitchell has suggested that V will become more violent in future episodes. The forty-year-old actress, who plays Erica Evans on the series, joked that she has been perfecting her punches. 'I'm working on my right hook!' she said on Jimmy Kimmel Live. 'I did it a bit on Lost, but this is more right in-your-face-fisty!' Mitchell also revealed that she finds it funny that all of the V cast are attractive. 'All I know is I'm always surrounded by ridiculously good-looking people. My husband is surprisingly good about that!' she said.

EastEnders' Nina Wadia has admitted that she was 'in agony' after trying one of the world's hottest curries on The ONE Show. The actress, whose Walford character Zainab Masood owns an Indian catering business, was asked to sample the dish as she appeared on the magazine programme with her screen-husband, Nitin Ganatra. At the end of Tuesday night's episode, host Adrian Chiles explained that the meal had been cooked by chefs from a restaurant in Newcastle, adding: 'It contains Mexican chillies rather than the traditional Indian birds eye chillies and it's insufferably hot.' Before the credits rolled, the actors were both seen tucking into the curry and appeared rather blasé and unaffected by its intense flavour. At the time, Wadia told Chiles and co-presenter Christine Bleakley: 'My six-year-old eats hotter than this!' Oh, that's asking for it! Later, however, she confessed 'I literally couldn't wait for the credits to finish rolling! When they did, I said "Are we off the air?" and when they said yes, I was like "Holy shit!" My tongue swelled up, my lower lip was burning - Nitin said "This is a health and safety hazard for sure!"' Well, you were warned! The restaurant in question, incidentally, is the Rupali in the Bigg Market, a particularly fine eatery that yer Keith Telly Topping has frequented on quite a number of occasions. It's very nice - they do a superb mushroom biryani if ever you're passing. Sad to report I've never actually tried their infamous 'curry hell.' I've got too much common sense for that. Besides, my tastes run more towards a korma, or something equally bland.

Coronation Street's Nigel Havers has said that he is keen on renewing his contract with the Manchester serial. The actor, who plays male escort Lewis, also revealed that joining the show was a lifetime ambition of his. After being asked whether he wants to extend his stay on the ITV soap, he told TV Times: 'I'm really enjoying myself. This is my first ever soap, although I've worked at Granada before. This reminds me of doing Crown Court and A Raging Calm back in the 1970s. It's been lovely working with Sue Nicholls and Barbara Knox. Sue took me under her wing when I started and we've become good friend. Everybody was very friendly and made me feel welcome. Sue and Barbara are like royalty. I'm just an upstart compared to them.' Hardly Nige, you were in Chariots of Fire after all! And Don't Wait Up. Yeah, okay, I see where you're going with this. Havers, who signed up for the programme last year, continued: 'I couldn't say no [to Corrie]. Lewis is a fascinating character and he's got a really interesting story-arc. Besides, it's always been an ambition of mine to be [on the show]. It's so well-written and has such a unique take on life.' Speaking about this week's storyline, which sees Audrey slap Rita after arguing over Lewis, he added: 'I think Lewis is genuinely concerned about Audrey. When Rita gets involved, he has to box clever, but he's very good at that. Things move on, but I don't want to give anything away. Put it like this - all is not what it seems.'

Jonathan Ross has poked fun at his Film 2010 successor Claudia Winkleman as he helped host a special charity event. Hosting part of Channel 4's Comedy Gala at the O2 Arena in London, Ross joked: 'It's great to be here but the way my career's going, it's great to be anywhere. I had to get here quick before Claudia Winkleman stepped in.'

And, finally, just in case you'd forgotten, a quick reminder: This is back on Saturday.Are those windows the right size, young man?