It's that old From The North bloggerisationisms time yet again, dearest blog readers. Therefore, hang onto yer hats and here we go.
The delightful Bonnie Langford will reprise her role as former companion Melanie Bush as she returns to Doctor Who, this time starring alongside Ncuti Gatwa. Bonnie first entered the world of Doctor Who in 1986 as the companion to the Sixth and then the Seventh Doctors (played by The Crap One and Sylvester McCoy), before returning in a cameo role in Jodie Whittaker's final episode last year. Once regarded by some - no doubt perfect - specimens of humanity as possibly the most miscast person ever to appear in Doctor Who Bonnie's cause was not helped by the fact that nine of the twenty four episodes in which she appeared were written by the truly disastrous Pip and Jane Baker. And were, frankly, about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. In her later stories, however (notably 1987's Delta & The Bannermen and Dragonfire) when actually given something to do by writers who didn't regard dialogue as a messy inconvenience, Bonnie proved herself to be a more than capable and subtle actress and her reputation has grown in the decades since with several appearances in Big Finish audios. Making her West End debut at just seven years old in Gone With The Wind at Theatre Royal Drury Lane, Bonnie has since gone on to lead a wide-ranging career. From her countless performances on both Broadway and West End, such as Chicago, Nine To Five and Cats, to her role as Carmel Kazemi on EastEnders. Bonnie said: 'I am absolutely thrilled to be bringing Melanie Bush back. To be part of the exceptional cast, crew and production team led by the force of nature that is Russell T Davies is a career highlight. I'm so privileged and proud to have been a member of the Doctor Who family since the classic era and to be included in the new generation is phenomenal.' Big Rusty added: 'Open those TARDIS doors wide, because Bonnie's back! What an honour, delight and hoot to welcome back the character of Melanie, after too long away. And this isn't just a cameo, Bonnie is right in the thick of the action, battling monsters and chaos and cliffhangers, right at The Doctor's side, just like the old days.'
And, indeed, within hours of that report appearing, Bonnie was spotted filming on location in Cardiff with Ncuti.
Having just won a BAFTA at the age of fourteen, Lenny Rush's stardom is once again about to go out of this world as he takes on the role of Morris in the new series of Doctor Who.
According to some worthless shite of no importance at the Daily Mirra (which used to be a far more reliable reporting source when they simply hacked mobile phones for their stories), Millie Gibson has been 'branded a diva after struggling to deal with night shoots since filming began in Cardiff.' An alleged - though, nameless and, therefore, almost certain fictitious - 'member of the production team' (also described as a 'source' and an 'insider') allegedly snitched, like a filthy, stinking Copper's Nark: 'She is determined to get it right. But the days are long and at times, when night filming has been suggested, she has made her feelings clear. Millie is a pro on-set and although night shoots are part of the job, they can be tiring for even the most experienced actors. She won't be the first or last person to be a bit annoyed by a night shoot, but it has won her some snippy comments behind the scenes. The word "diva" has been used once or twice when tempers are fraying.' Said, of course, in that typically tabloidesque 'real people don't talk like that' way. The story was also picked up, of course, by those lice at Daily Scum Mail. So, there are two media sources that you really want to put your trust in.
Yasmin Finney has spoken about a 'throwback' for Doctor Who's upcoming sixtieth anniversary specials. The actress is set to take on the role of Rose in the trio of episodes appearing alongside a returning David Tennant and Catherine Tate. You knew that, right? 'Get ready, because it really is a throwback,' Yasmin told GQ. The actress also shared her praise for returning showrunner Big Rusty, calling him one of the 'wisest men' she's met. 'You know what, he's always been ahead of his time. Always. And that's something that I see in myself and I see reflected in his writing. I see the power he holds with every word,' Finney added.
Speaking on a recent appearance on The ONE Show, Catherine Tate was asked whether it was 'an immediate yes' when she was asked to play Donna Noble once more in Doctor Who's sixtieth anniversary. 'Oh, gosh, of course it was,' she replied to the stupid question. 'Absolutely a complete no-brainer. I don't think David and I thought for a second we'd ever get another bite of those cherries. And we did. And it was like, I think for the both of us, it was like slipping into old slippers.'
An article in the Daily Mirra (yes, them again) has claimed, with no supporting evidence whatsoever apart from some Chinese whispers, that anunspecified number of previously lost 1960s episodes of Doctor Who have been recovered by Philip Morris whom the Mirra, somewhat implausibly, describe as 'the film world's Indiana Jones.' Meaning, presumably, he's got a whip and he's scared of snakes? Dear blog readers with older memories may recall that in 2013, some rank clot at the Mirra's sister paper, the Sunday People claimed that all one hundred and six then-missing episodes had been found in Ethiopia. They hadn't, of coyrse, although nine had been found in Nigeria. So, different number, different country but otherwise ... If anyone from any of the Mirra Group newspapers stated anything which hadn't been found in a court of law, to have come from a hacked telephone message, then this blogger would be asking for a second opinion.
This blogger's most excellent fiend Ben recently wondered whether this blogger had ever really deserved one of these bad mothas in his long and weary existence.
Keith Telly Topping had, he was forced to confess, so many questions about this, dear blog reader. The main one being why did Mister Pertwee have his own hair but Patrick Troughton's face?
After careful - and lengthy - consideration, this blogger has come to the conclusion that the following are not allowed either on this very blog or on Keith Telly Topping's Facebook page: Sick racism; sexist gittery; homophobic sneering; transphobia; right-wing scumbaggery; Bible-based Christian bigotry from people who've seemingly, read their Bible cover-to-cover but missed Matthew 7:1; crass Middle Class hippy Communist Gruniad Morning Star-style whinging about what a right shite state of affairs the world is in (we all know that, we don't need reminding of it on a daily basis); threats of violence; negative comments about the latest Doctor Who episodes after Keith Telly Topping has asked (nicely) for positive comments only (and said 'please'). Apart from those, dear blog reader, pretty much anything goes. With, perhaps, this exception.
On further reflection, however, there was one further addition to the 'things which are not allowed on this page' malarkey. You know it makes sense.
And now, dear blog reader, it's that old favourite Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Seventy Three: Selfless.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Seventy Four: Inca Mummy Girl.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Seventy Five: Homecoming.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Seventy Six: Doomed.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Seventy Seven: The Gift.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Seventy Eight: Superstar.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Seventy Nine: Normal Again.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Eighty: End Of Days.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Eighty One: Bew*tched, Bothered & Bewildered.
Magnificently Daft Lines From Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997-2003). Number Eighty Two: Fool For Love.
Having thoroughly enjoyed the first three episodes of Apple TV's The Crowded Room, the preview discs of which rocked up at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House last week, this blogger reached episode four on Friday. Which took place in the most stock-footage-and-shonky-matte-backdrop London in the history of US telly (and that takes some doing). But, The Clash on the soundtrack and Hello To From The North favourite Jason Isaacs. So, somehow, the whole thing worked far better than it should have! And, not for nothing, but young Tom Holland is fine actor.
Also arriving at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House that same day was the preview disc for the first episode of Strange New Worlds series two and a copy of The Sandman series one soundtrack CD (featuring David Bckley's lush score). But, they had to wait as this blogger had a busy day planned watching the opening day of The Ashes, F1 practice for the Canadian Grand Prix, the England versus Malta fitba international and, squeezed in between everything else, a couple of recently downloaded podcast episodes. It's a busy old life an' no mistake, dear blog reader.
In the event, this blogger did manage to fit in Strange New Worlds, The Broken Circle which he thought was a splendid rip-roaring rollercoaster of an adventure. And, it was especially nice to see sixty years worth of 'shipper fan-fiction entirely justified when Spock managed to grab a feel of Christine Chapel's tit (see picture below). It's the simple things in life, dear blog reader, which appeal to this blogger the mostest, baby.
Also caught up with this week were the final two episodes of From The North favourite White House Plumbers. Which was, this blogger is delighted to report, thigh-slappingly hilarious and, actually, in places quite touching. Plus, they included one of this blogger's favourite dialogue exchanged from TV so far this year. 'The point is, the prosecutors should know why we did what we did,' Howard Hunt tells his co-conspirators. 'Sometimes Ifind it confusing,' replies Eugenio Martinez. 'And we did it!'
On Sunday, this blogger fond himself faced with an almost impossible conundrum, dear blog reader. Whether to watch Paddington 2 on BBC1 or Diamonds Are Forever on ITV. Now there was a choice Keith Telly Topping has never found himself in a position of having to make, previously.
On the third day of The Ashes, shortly after lunch, Darth Vader was spotted by the Sky Sports cameras getting chucked out by a couple of stewards. 'I wonder what he's done to deserve that' said Mike Atherton on commentary. Well, using The Death Star to destroy Alderaan and the genocide of all of its inhabitants might be considered worthy of expulsion from Edgbaston, Michael.
As you may be aware, dear blog reader, the latest set of stamps issued by The Royal Mail celebrate the fortieth anniversary of From The North favourite The Black Adder. How wonderfully marvellous it was to discover, therefore, that the most expensive of all of these stamps (the two pounds and twenty pee one, for use on larger packages) commemorates the very moment of Lord Percy's alchemic discovery of 'green'.
On Thursday of last week, dear blog reader, this blogger had one of his periodical departures from The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House for to meet up with his occasional fiend, Young Malcolm at our regular hunt, the Little Asia. Where, as per usual, much excellent nosh was part-taken there. (Chicken and sweetcorn soup with prawn crackers, sesame prawn toast and king prawn curry with egg fried rice, if you're taking notes at this point.)
As usual, the quality outputs of Talking Pictures TV and The Horror Channel were thoroughly discussed, at length.
This blogger was, he must confess, most amused when watching Young Malcolm attempt to weasel his way towards an explanation and an excuse for the disgraceful actions and lying of his hero, Bashing Boris The Lying Liar. Which involved 'whataboutism', 'blame the make-up of the Commons Privileges Committee' (you know, the one that was dominated by a majority of members of Johnson's own party. But, apparently, they're not the right Tories for the job because they don't like him), that Bashing Boris's bullish and aggressive attitude towards the committee did not do him more harm than good and, best of all, claiming that Bashing Boris 'will be back.' Just like The Terminator.
Which was funny. Albeit, not nearly as funny as the front page of the Daily Lies the next day. That, dear blog reader, was really funny.
Also in the news last week ...
In other news, this blogger had a delivery on a new electric shaver (it was one of those 'we'll throw in some other stuff for free' deals which this blogger always rather likes). The package turned up at The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House with a rather spiffing pair of boxer shorts, some shaving gel and aftershave balm, plus a few other bits and pieces. Unfortunately, the balm had leaked in transit so some of the stuff was a bit wet. And, having - as instructed - charged up the shaver for ninety minutes (and not a single second longer) this blogger found that the bloody thing wouldn't work. So Keith Telly Topping e-mailed the company - politely - mentioning all of this; they replied - equally politely - 'have you tried pushing the power button three times as it's probably still on factory setting?' This blogger did, it worked and, as a conssequence, Keith Telly Topping felt both foolish and apologetic. The company, however, were very nice about it ('it's a common thing, don't sweat it') and they offered to send another bottle of balm free of charge as compensation to the leakage. So you see, dear blog reader, it always pays to be polite!
It has been claimed - by people who know about this sort of thing - that the difference between a man and a gentleman is that a gentleman would never, under any circumstances, lick the butter knife after usage. This blogger is delighted, therefore, to note that he am a man and bloody proud of it!
Next, dear blog reader, some jolly wise words from Our Lord which this blogger is sure you will all appreciate.
A mad-hot Monday morning followed a deeply uncomfortable night of eith Telly Topping's omnipresent insomnia. Thus by nine o'clock that morning, this blogger had already been down on the bus to ALDI, got the weekly shopping done and had completed The Stately Telly Topping Manor Plague House laundry. See, sleep-depravation can be ... effing exhausting!
According to Bang Showbiz (no, me neither), Ranvir Singh has been 'left sobbing after ITV axe.' One is not in the least bit surprised, dear blog reader. Axes can be really sharp.
On a somewhat related theme, the Northern Echo claims that 'big name shows' have been 'axed' by Channel Four in what 'staff are calling a bloodbath.' And, again, that's usually what happens when you go messing about with axes. According to the Daily Scum Mail, Naked Attraction, Scared Of The Dark, medical documentary Rescue: Extreme Medics and Four Weddings have all been axed.
Let both of these sad stories be a lesson to everyone in the film and TV industry, therefore. Axes are bloody dangerous and you can most definitely have someone's eye out with one of those.
And finally, dear blog reader, From The North's Headline Of The Week award goes to LancsLive for Welsh Man Living In Blackpool Left Incensed At 'Sheep Lover' Stereotypes. This blogger feels bad for the bloke. I mean, living in Blackpool. Horrorshow.
