The Eaters Of Light: Homo Sum Humani A Me Nihil Alienum Puto

'That was the sound of my patience shattering into a billion little pieces. Now, there are only two things I need to know. Where is my friend? And, what destroyed the Roman army?'

'Where are we now?' 'Aberdeen, Scotland. Second Century AD.' 'You weren't complaining when it was Mars, were you?' So, why is Scotland more important than guarding The Vault?' 'She thinks she knows more about Romans than me!' 'Well, that's explained everything, thank you!' 'You don't know more about the Ninth Legion than me. I read the book. I loved the book.' 'They disappeared.' 'Except, they didn't.' 'They were annihilated in battle.' Then, where's the big pile of bodies?' 'So, where's the Ninth Legion? If they've left, they should still be leaving. Can you see five thousand Roman soldiers marching South?' 'Down there, by the river, they've have followed the river, that's what they did.' 'There's so much you don't understand about Roman Britain.' 'I got an A-Star!' 'I've lived in Roman Britain. Governed. Farmed. Juggled! Speaking as a former Vestal Virgin, second class, I can assure you ...!'

'Five thousand Roman soldiers, eyes peeled! They must have left some kind of mark on the landscape. Burning huts, slaughtered locals. Sweetie-wrappers!' ... 'The bird.' 'What about it?' 'He said "dark".' 'Yes, that's why we're hurrying because there's not much light at this time of day!' 'But it talked.' 'Well, of course it did. It's a crow, all crows talk.' 'Well, they don't talk in the future.' 'Of course they do. Human beings just stopped having intelligent conversations with them. So they went into a bit of a huff' 'Crows in the future are all in a huff?' 'Of course they are, haven't you noticed that noise they make? It's like a mass sulk!' 'Picts, early Celts, loved stone cairns. They built them under the ground but close to the sky. They think they're doors between worlds. Iron Age churches. What do you always find near churches?' 'Women. Hats.' 'Exactly, human settlement.' 'It's all a bit damp, isn't it?' 'It's Scotland, it's supposed to be damp?'

'Oh, for Heaven's sake how long are you going to keep us here? Couldn't we have seats? What about the wi-fi code, how about that?' ... 'Who's Kara.' 'The Keeper Of The Gate, my sister.' 'Well, let's hope she's the brains of the family because there's a Big Bad Wolf of a monster out there and you're in The House Of Sticks.' ... 'What are you doing?' 'I'm ingratiating myself.' 'Stop it, it's nauseating!' 'It's called charm.' 'I'm against it!'

'Are you the mighty warrior that we've all been waiting for? Where are all the grown-ups?' 'There was a great battle and we beat the Romans!' 'Kara beat them, that's all that matters.' 'Yes, but she's not a warrior, she's an embryo! What did you do, throw your action figures at them?' 'Listen, Roman ...' 'We're not Roman. We're not part of the Roman army.' 'No, we're not even slightly Italian. Although, I do a mean Spag-Bol!' 'Let me tell you about the Romans. They are the robbers of this world. When they have thieved everything on land, they will rob the sea. If their enemies are rich, they will take all they have. If their enemies are poor, they will make slave of them. Their work is robbery, slaughter, plunder. They do this work and they call it empire. They make deserts and they call it peace.' 'Yeah, but you've got to love the indoor toilets!' 'They're not conquerors, they're cowards. 'They're also all dead, there's an awful lot of dead cowards out there. And, I don't believe you killed them because, the thing is, you said "gate", and you called yourself Gatekeeper and you mentioned gate-weapons so I've got to wonder what kind of gate is that and what's on the other side?'

'We're looking for bill, right?' 'We're looking for the maximum danger in the immediate area and then walking right into it.' 'What about Bill?' 'If she's there, we're saving here, if not, she's safe already. Trust me this is not my first rodeo!'

'Do you know what's in there?' 'A Gate.' 'A portal, between dimensions. Do you know what's on the other side? You don't know anything, do you? You just stand there making speeches and waving a TV aerial about! Shall I tell you what's in there?' 'No. It's called The Eater Of Light and we held it back. Every generation a new warrior went into the Gate and fought The Eater Of Light so it couldn't break through.' 'But the creature did break through. And it destroyed the whole Ninth Legion.' It's weak, it's nearly dead it'll die soon.' 'Well, let's hope so ... You'll hold them back? What, with your lollipop and your kiddie-face-paint? And your crazy novelty monster-killing-tool? Are you holding that thing the right way up by the way?' 'I don't want your help.' 'But, I'm all you've got, believe me, I'm on your side.'

'So, you were supposed to guard The Gate whilst everyone else went off to war. But, you had strangers at the door and a guard dog in the attic so you let the beast come through.' 'It was the only thing that would defeat them.' 'So, you thought The Eater Of Light could destroy a whole Roman army?' 'It did.' 'And, you thought a whole Roman army could weaken or kill the beast?' 'Yes.' 'Well, it didn't work. You got a whole Roman legion slaughtered and you made the deadliest creature on this planet very, very cross indeed! To protect a muddy little hillside, you doomed your whole world.'

'Right, listen to me, all of you. I'm going up there to find my friend. If you come with me, I can't promise you won't all die. But I can promise you this, you won;t all die in a hole in the ground.'

'Are you sulking?' 'I'm remembering the dead.' 'Save that for old age.' 'They're dead because of me.' 'You know, every moment you waste wallowing about in that happy thought means more of the living are going to join them. If you want to win the war, remember this, it's not about you. Believe me, I know. Time to grow up. Time to fight your fight.'

'This is where we hear them, the Barbarians. Are you sure your friend will be with them?' 'Yeah. Basically, he always ends up being boss of the locals.' 'How?' 'Usually, by annoying them!'

'It's you, isn't it? Something to do with the TARDIS? Maybe a telepathic field? So, now that we all understand each other, how do we all sounds?' 'You sounds like children.' 'You sounds like children too.' 'You all do.' 'Is this what happens? You can understand what everyone in the universe is saying? Everybody just sounds like children.' 'There are exceptions.' 'Thank you very much.' 'Not you! Okay, kids, pay attention; she slaughtered your legion, you slaughter everything that she loves. now you all have a choice, you can carry on slaughtering each other till no one is left standing. Or you grow the Hell up! Because there's a new war now! I think these creatures are light-eating locusts, looking for rents and cracks between worlds to let themselves into dimensions of light. Once they break through, they eat. They will eat the Sun. And then, they will eat the stars. And, they will keep eating until there are no stars left. So, whose side are you on now because there's only one side left? If it helps, I do have a plan!'

'It'll only stay open as long as the sunlight is on it. Give me your weapon.' 'What are you doing?' 'This is the clever bit. The Gate has to be guarded, there's no other way. The trouble is human life-spans. They're tiny. They're hilarious, you get used up too quickly. The answer's me, I go on for ages. I don't even really die, I regenerate. I can hold that gate till The Sun goes out.' 'This isn't your job.' 'No, it isn't Bill, it's who I am! I've been standing by the gates of your world, keeping you all safe since you crawled out of the slime and I'm not stopping now!'

'I know you're inclined to bare a grudge so just remember, I know about ten per cent of your secrets! The dancing bits. And, I'm the only one in the TARDIS who knows where the teacakes are!'

'They were never really missing. They've always been here. The Ninth Legion and The Keeper of the Gate. Seizing the day till The Sun goes out. Holding back the dark.'

'Did you watch us?' 'Some of it. A little bit.' 'Oh, is she reviewing us now?' 'Those little people, trapped in a hill, fighting forever. Is that really up to your bleeding-heart standards?' 'Well, they're not trapped. And, they're more than just fighting. And there's music. Always music!' 'Well, team. Who's going to help me hide his guitar?' 'See, that's what I'm trying to teach you, Miss, you understand the universe. You see it, you grasp it. But, you've never learned to hear the music.'

'Death by Scotland.' The very excellent Rona Munro's first contribution to Doctor Who since 1989, that was bit special, dear blog reader. Guess what? This blogger thought it was great. Predictable, Keith Telly Topping knows but, there you are. 'Come and meet him, he came here to meet you. He's met loads of people like you, the terrified, the desperate. And, he always helps. He always makes a difference.'

The BBC has released a new image for the Doctor Who series finale, which sees Missy (Michelle Gomez) and The Master (John Simm) together for the first time. Simm will return to Doctor Who for the first time since New Year’s Day 2010.

Radio Times this week featured a somewhat cobbled-together piece on soon-to-be-incoming Doctor Who showrunner, That There Chris Chibnall's RTS interview with full-of-his-own-importance hippy Communist Mark Lawson from the Gruniad Morning Star. It is worth a few moments of your time, dear blog reader, albeit, as has been pointed out in various corners of fandom, there are more than a few glaring errors in it. For example, despite what the article suggests, the next Doctor has already been cast (with the Christmas episode in which he and/or she will make their debut about to go into production in but a next few weeks time) and filming for series eleven is due to start in November not 'next year' as the article states.

Additionally, even if all logic had suggested that the role of the next Doctor has already been cast, the final confirmation of the bleeding obvious came this week from the lips of yer actual Russell Davies. But, he didn't let on who he and/or she is. Otherwise, he'd have to be killed and, trust me, you don't want that dear blog reader.

In his interview with Television, the in-house magazine of the Royal Television Society, The Chib said that Doctor Who could get 'something of an overhaul' under his watch. He also confirmed that - like his other big TV hit, Broadchurch - a series-long arc is definitely possible. 'What the BBC was after was risk and boldness,' he said - but he did rule out killing The Doctor in episode one, saying: 'Then the title would really make sense!' Despite his long-held plans for the long-running family SF drama, The Chib claimed that he was 'initially reluctant' to sign up for the role of showrunner and even resisted accepting the role 'for a very long time. I finally said "yes" because I love the show to my bones,' he explained. 'I had ideas about what I wanted to do with it. When I went to them and said, "This is what I would do," I actually expected them to say, "Ooh, let's talk about that," but they said, "Great!"' Chibnall's friend and collaborator James Strong was also quoted in the piece as saying that the work would be 'a five-year project,' so it seems those rumours based on a BBC Worldwide press release about sales of the series to China that Doctor Who has at least a further five series commitment from the BBC appear to be true after all. Which is nice.

Meanwhile, Mark Gatiss his very self is really beyond glad he wasn't asked to take over the reins of Doctor Who. 'To be honest, the job of showrunning Doctor Who I think is probably the hardest job in television,' he told Radio Times this week. 'I wasn't offered it. But it's such a poisoned chalice. It's like the England managership, I imagine, knowing nothing about football. There's such a weight of expectation, millions of people who think they can do [the job] better than you.' He added: 'It's a sort of relief not to be asked, to be honest. But if I had been in charge, I would have cancelled it immediately. Just out of spite! I would never have any huge plans.'

Doctor Who could be coming to the big screen in a documentary about The Daleks. Victor Lewis-Smith, the journalist, broadcaster and filmmaker behind The Undiscovered Peter Cook, wants to turn his eye to the iconic monsters in The Undiscovered Daleks, which will look into their origin and cultural legacy. He will, if the film gets the funding he's looking for, draw on exclusive archive material and interviews with 'famous Dalek fans' for the movie to reveal 'everything you wanted to know about The Daleks, including the time they were in a porn movie.' Other areas of The Daleks oeuvre that will be covered are the unmade musical about them, 'out-takes of The Daleks behaving badly' and the connection between The Daleks and The Nazis. 'Throughout my career, the BBC has commissioned hundreds of programmes from me. But there's one proposal they have always rejected. That's the unexpurgated history of The Daleks,' Lewis-Smith explained. 'Why? What secrets about The Daleks do they want to keep hidden? Only by crowdfunding will I be able to make The Undiscovered Daleks and tell the full story behind these sinister pepperpots from the planet Skaro.' Lewis-Smith has launched a crowdfunding campaign to get the movie made, with the aim of raising two hundred and fifty grand.

BBC Worldwide have confirmed that The Doctor Who Experience - a popular three-piece rock combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them - will close on Saturday 9 September 2017. The Experience, based at Porth Teigr in Cardiff Bay, opened in July 2012 after a brief run in London. During its five-year tenure, it has welcomed many fans to the Welsh capital with its interactive experience and displays of sets and props from the series. The Experience has planned a number of special events throughout the summer with tickets for the final period being released from midday on Friday 16 June. The popular Filming Location Walking Tours will return from the 8 July. These are a seventy five-minute walk around Cardiff Bay and features sites from series ten and 'memorable locations' from previous series. Series ten content will be brought into The Experience, with the finished exhibition being unveiled on 8 July. This will include props, costumes and sets from series ten, that will join the Peter Capaldi and Pearl Mackie costumes which are already part of the exhibition. Earlier this year, it was announced that the Yeti from The Web Of Fear had been voted by fans as the Doctor Who monster they would most like to see restored as part of the ongoing Restoration Project. So to celebrate, Model Unit expert Mike Tucker will also be on hand on 8 July to reveal the final, renovated monster in all its big hairy glory to visitors. On 22 July, The Experience will host its final 'Monster Event', with The Cybermen at its theme. The day will include workshops and question and answer sessions with monster-makers, Millennium FX, a chance for fans to be converted into Cybermen as well as live Mondasian Cybermen roaming The Experience floor. Looking for small humans to get all stompy upon, no doubt. The day will be completed with a viewing of the final two-part episode, first screened on BBC1 on 24 June and 1 July, screened in The Experience's exhibition area. Later in the holidays, on the 5 August, fans can look forward to the biggest Doctor Who Experience 'Cosplay Celebration'. Fans will be invited 'and encouraged' to visit dressed as their favourite Doctor Who character or monster.

The BBC have announced a special screening of episode eleven of Doctor Who's current series - World Enough & Time - complete with 'a live music accompaniment from the The National Orchestra of Wales' will take place in Cardiff on 24 June. The episode - which sees the return of John Simm's Master to the popular long-running BBC family SF drama - will be screened at BBC Hoddinott Hall in Cardiff's Millennium Centre. Which is in Wales. It will be followed by an on-stage Q&A with some of the team behind the popular long-running family SF drama, including Pearl Mackie and The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE). The evening will be hosted by Jason Mohammad (no, me neither) and promises 'monsters and surprises.' Fans have been invited to submit questions for both Pearl and Steven through the BBC's official Doctor Who website and social feeds. For those unable to attend in person - which, let's face it, is most of us - the live Q&A with Pearl will be live-streamed on the BBC1 Facebook page and the Doctor Who YouTube Channel. Tickets are free and will be allocated via a random ballot. Applicants need to be able to attend the event in Cardiff and make their own arrangements for travel and accommodation. To enter the ballot you need to tweet something to somewhere, apparently. You also need to be on Twitter, obviously, so that excludes most people who aren't very angry with something or other via a massive chip on their shoulder. Fifteen winners will be randomly selected from all entries. Full details are available on the BBC Webpage.

Sir Derek Jacobi his very self will be reprising his role as The Master in new set of audio Doctor Who adventures from Big Finish Productions. The veteran actor first appeared in Doctor Who ten years ago this week when he appeared in the episode Utopia. Sir Derek is now returning to the character in four new adventures, made by arrangement with BBC Worldwide, to be released in December. Producer and Director Scott Handcock talked about the return: 'His incarnation is very much the Hannibal Lecter of Time Lords - intelligent, charming, but thoroughly ruthless - we had a lot of fun in studio bringing The War Master back to life. It's been a gift of a project and we can't wait for listeners to hear it.' Sir Derek added that he was 'delighted' to be playing the role once more: 'I didn't expect to come back to it all these years later, but I was thrilled to be remembered. The plots in all these episodes have been very good indeed, very interesting, very dramatic, and beautifully written. The whole process has been a delight.'

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson solved The Final Problem - you might have noticed - but was that really the last viewers will see of The Fabulous Baker Street Boys? Probably not, though there have been conflicting reports as to when or even if Sherlock will return. Co-creator The Lord Thy God Steven Moffat (OBE) stated in mid-2016 that 'it's unlikely' Sherlock will disappear entirely - comments echoed by his oppo, Mark Gatiss in 2015. 'We're all constantly thrilled and amazed by people's enthusiasm for Sherlock,' Mark told the Digital Spy website at the time. 'We hope to carry on for as long as we can.' 'Re: Sherlock's future - for those of you asking,' The Moff told his Facebook chums (including this blogger, dontcha know) in January shortly after the last episode was broadcast. 'It's definitely the end. Of Chapter One. Doctor Watson is now Doyle's brave widower and Sherlock Holmes has become the wise and humane version of the main run of the stories (we've focused, so far, on the cold Holmes of the early days.) Whether we ever get to Chapter Two - our boys consciously living the myth and battling wrong-doers - rather depends on our two stars. I'd be slightly surprised if we never made it again. But I've been surprised before.' Whilst it's possible that he will be too busy to continue in the role, yer actual Benedict Cumberbatch has spoken on several occasions of his desire to play Sherlock into old age. comments also echoed by his co-star Martin Freeman. Benny has also insisted that whilst the fourth series would be 'the last one - for now,' he is keen to 'keep revisiting' Holmes from time-to-time, his and Marty's busy scheduled permitting. 'The idea of never playing him again is really galling,' Benny said, while cautioning that 'it's not going to happen again at the same regularity that it has been happening.' Although, given that so far the production have made but thirteen episodes in seven years, that's hardly a 'regularity' in and of itself. Speaking on The ONE Show earlier this month, Andrew Scott added: 'I don't think there's another series of Sherlock coming soon. We're not doing it for another couple of years. Everybody got quite busy. [And] you want to keep it fresh.' Whilst Moffat also stated: 'The ratings were extremely good so I guess [the BBC will] ask us [to do Sherlock] again and then we'll have to see, first of all, if we have three films we want to make and then if Benedict and Martin have the time, schedule and inclination.' One thing is for certain, however, Sherlock without Cumberbatch or Freeman is not an option: 'We couldn't do it without him, of course not,' Gatiss insisted. 'We couldn't recast Sherlock.'

A few days on from Richard Hammond's latest harrowing car crash in Switzerland, yer actual Jezza Clarkson has shared his own account of the accident, describing the moment he thought his Grand Tour co-star had died. The Hamster was airlifted to hospital last weekend after extremely losing control of a Rimac Concept One electric car while taking part in the Hemberg time trial during filming for the second series of the Amazon Prime show. Fortunately, Hamster suffered no serious injuries, but Clarkson shared an update on DriveTribe detailing his own perspective of the crash. It reveals just how lucky Hammond was to survive it. After recalling hearing the news that a driver had had an 'off' in one of the cars - and adding that he then saw a plume of smoke which suggested the 'off' had been serious - Jezza described how he felt the moment he realised that Hammond was the one involved in the accident. 'As I stood there, waiting for news, it dawned on me that the burning car was not yellow, as The Aventador was,' Jezza wrote. 'It was white. Hammond's Rimac had been white. I can feel it now; the coldness. My knees turning to jelly. It was Hammond who'd crashed. I was joined at this point by James, who'd arrived on the scene just before me in his Honda NSX. He was in a right old state, his arms waving frantically, his eyes wide. "Hammond's in there," he was screaming. Then came news from a nearby marshal that he wasn't. That he'd got out before the fire started. And that "his body" – that's what they said – was behind a screen at the bottom of the hill. I could see the screen. I could see the paramedics behind it. I couldn't see Hammond. I didn't want to see him. Not after a crash that big.' Clarkson continued: 'At a guess, I'd say he was doing one hundred and twenty mph when he left the road and that he'd have been going even faster than that when he'd smashed into the road below. He wasn't going to be a pretty sight, that's for sure. Our security man is made of sterner stuff and set off down the hill like a racing goat. I watched him arrive at the scene. I watched him intently. I saw him lift his walky-talky and I heard him say, "It's all right fellas. He winked at me."' Hamster himself has since shared a video from his hospital bed, during which he thanked the medical professionals for looking after him and apologised to his family. 'I'd like to thank all of the medical professionals who got me by air ambulance from the crash to the hospital and dealt with me ever since,' he said. 'I want to say thank you as well to James May, who smuggled a bottle of gin in for me last night and, most importantly, sorry to my wife, Mindy, and my daughters Izzy and Willow.' In his update, Clarkson also added that he didn't know what had gone wrong in the crash, saying that Hammond had been driving the car 'for four days' by that point and had 'done several runs on the hill climb' before the crash too. 'For all the rest, all the details and who knows, another book, I'll leave that up to Hammond when the lucky sod feels up to it,' Jezza concluded.

Jezza has also confirmed that Hammond's crash 'may' (for which read 'almost certainly will') delay upcoming filming for The Grand Tour. Jezza admitted that the crash will 'complicate' filming on the second series of The Grand Tour: 'Many of you have been asking if Hammond's broken knee will affect the filming for season two. The short answer is: yes. As I write, James May is sitting in the hell-hole that is Gatwick Airport waiting for a budget airline to take him to a shoot that Hammond should have been doing.' He added: 'I've been up since dawn, rewriting all of the scripts and ideas we had to accommodate the fact that Hammond can't drive for the next few months. Meanwhile, he is lying in a bed in the Swiss Alps, while pretty nurses attend to his every need, and give him drugs.'

Is there a second Star Trek TV series in the works? Perhaps, if one were to take literally the words of the forthcoming Star Trek: Discovery's Nicholas Meyer. In an interview with Trek Movie, Meyer -who works as both a consulting producer and writer on the upcoming CBS series – hinted at 'another Star Trek project' he is currently working on. He added that this mysterious project 'has nothing to do with Discovery,' before adding: 'But I can't discuss that either.'

There's a beautifully written think-piece on a particularly wonderful moment in episode six of Twin Peaks: The Return featuring the great Harry Dean Stanton, which this blogger urges you to have a gander at, dear blog reader. It's written by Evan Davies and it captures both the horror and the sense of awe that the sequence in question evoked.

We are already a third of the way into Twin Peaks: The Return, the daring and wilfully anti-commercial revival of the cult classic. At this juncture, yer actual Kyle MacLachlan - who plays the triple-role of currently terminally-bewildered FBI Agent Dale Cooper, Cooper's Black Lodge-Bob inhabited doppelganger and Dougie Jones in the series - spoke to the media about the drama's future. Recalling reading the script for The Return for the first time, MacLachlan revealed that he did not receive eighteen individual scripts. Instead, all eighteen hours were contained in one epic screenplay. 'It was all one long script, so there was no Act One, Act Two,' he explained. 'It wasn't in a traditional television format. It was literally five hundred pages - plus or minus - one after the other, so nothing stopped. There was no natural pause. You couldn't tell when the first hour ended or any of the episodes. To be honest, I devoured it. That's a long read and I took a break along the way, but I never wanted to stop turning the pages. It was fascinating. Some things I could imagine how David [Lynch] was going to do; other things I had no idea. And I think, ultimately, when we get to the end of the journey ... Oh, I can't speak much about that, obviously. What can I say? All I can say is that it's going to be spectacular.' The original Twin Peaks was, of course hugely influential and MacLachlan thinks that while The Return is a very different beast, it too could shape storytelling in the future. 'I've said that the new Twin Peaks had the same potential before I saw it and now that I've seen it, it's doing exactly the same thing as the original,' he said. 'It's pushing the boundaries. It's like nothing you've seen on television. It has all the elements of the original, but the stories are a little different. It's by no means a nostalgic return to what the old Twin Peaks was. These are new stories and new directions. I'm waiting to see what the influence is going to be going forward. I'm curious.' But will The Return's impact on television be its only legacy? MacLachlan suggested that he would 'welcome' the opportunity to return to Twin Peaks again in future. 'I had such a wonderful time on this,' he enthused. 'And you're talking about working again with David Lynch, so that's a no-brainer.'

Though, as usual, it was the late Miguel Farrar who got the best line in the latest episode.

There was also a proper fanboy squee of delight from this long-time viewer when he realised that he'd been right in his guess about the 'important' character that the great Laura Dern would be playing in the series.

Still no Audrey yet, though. And, according to at least one odious Middle Class hippy Communist, the whingers on Twitter are getting restless about this malarkey.

And now, dear blog reader, the final and consolidated ratings for the Top Twenty Four programmes broadcast, week-ending Sunday 11 June 2017:-
1 Coronation Street - Mon ITV - 8.12m
2 EastEnders - Mon BBC1 - 7.06m
3 Poldark - Sun BBC1 - 6.69m
4 Emmerdale - Mon ITV - 6.45m
5 The Loch - Sun ITV - 6.35m
6 Gardeners' World - Fri BBC2 - 6.23m
7 Six O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 5.35m
8 BBC News - Sun BBC1 - 5.23m
9 Doctor Who - Sat BBC1 - 5.02m
10 Casualty - Sat BBC1 - 4.95m
11 The Voice Kids - Sat ITV - 4.71m
12 DIY SOS: The Big Build - Thurs BBC1 - 4.66m
13 Have I Got News For You Erection Special - Fri BBC1 - 4.40m
14 Ten O'Clock News - Mon BBC1 - 4.17m
15 Broken - Tues BBC1 - 4.13m
16= Party Erection Broadcast - Mon BBC1 - 4.12m
16= Holby City - Tues BBC1 - 4.12m
16= World Cup 2018 Qualifiers: Scotland Versus England - 4.12m
19 Eat Well For Less? - Wed BBC1 - 3.91m
20 The Met: Policing London - Wed BBC1 - 3.80m
21 Mrs Brown's Boys - Sat BBC1 - 3.77m
22 ITV News - Sat ITV - 3.67m
23 The ONE Show - Mon BBC1 - 3.46m
24 Versailles - Fri BBC2 - 3.37m
These consolidated figures, published weekly by the British Audience Research Bureau, include all viewers who watched programmes live and on various forms of catch-up TV and video-on-demand during the seven days after initial broadcast. They do not, however, include those who watched on BBC's iPlayer or ITV Player via their computers. Doctor Who's audience, as usual, was boosted by another one-and-a-half million-plus timeshift over the initially-reported overnight figure. On ITV, the much-trailed documentary Lady Lucan: Time For the Truth attracted a mere 2.97 million punters, the same figure as watched The British Soap Awards om Tuesday. Gardeners' World (a properly remarkable figures) and Versailles topped BBC2's weekly list. They were followed by Springwatch (2.84 million: one of four nightly episodes of the popular wildlife programme that made it into BBC2's top thirty), the final episode of Paula (2.33 million), Great British Menu (2.22 million), The Chillenden Murders (2.11 million), Mock The Week (1.55 million), Bill Cosby: The Fall Of An American Icon (1.51 million), Rugby Union coverage (also 1.51 million) and Horizon (1.47 million). Mad Frankie Boyle's New World Order attracted 1.15 million, Football: World Cup Under Twenties Final drew 1.10 million. Channel Four's highest-rated broadcast was the opening episode of the drama Ackley Bridge (2.56 million), ahead of Twenty Four Hours In Police Custody (2.54 million) and The Handmaid's Tale (1.95 million). Twenty Four Hours In A&E followed with 1.93 million, The Last Leg Erection Special (1.92 million), Food Unwrapped (1.67 million), The Supervet (1.65 million) and First Dates (1.53 million). The Yorkshire Vet was Channel Five's top performer with an audience of 1.76 million, ahead of Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away! (1.58 million) and Big Brother (1.52 million). Sky Sports 1's coverage of the Scotland Versus England draw was seen by five hundred and sixty two thousand punters. Live British & Irish Lions Tour attracted four hundred and thirty nine thousand, whilst further World Cup Soch-her, in the shape of Serbia Versus Wales (three hundred and eight thousand) and The Republic Of Ireland Versus Austria (two hundred and thirty nine thousand) also featured. On Sky Sports 2, the ICC trophy provided a healthy crop of audiences as cricket-lovers did their best to ignore the rain; England's victory over Australia was the most-watched match with an audience of four hundred and eighty two thousand, whilst India's victory over South Africa had three hundred and thirty six thousand. European ITF Taekwondo Championship topped Sky Sports 3's list with forty thousand whilst, on Sky Sports 4, the Live European Tour Golf attracted forty five thousand. Thursday's Sky Sports Tonight was top of the shop on Sky Sports News HQ, with one hundred and three thousand punters. Sky F1's Live Canadian Grand Prix coverage was watched by seven hundred and seventy eight thousand. Sky 1's weekly top-ten was headed by the return of hateful and breathtakingly unfunny exercise in crass smugness and celebrity-by-non-entity A League Of their Own (1.42 million people, every single one of whom needs their sodding heads examining for any signs of brain activity if they find this worthless toxic, full-of-its-own-importance heap of vomit in the slightest bit amusing). The six episode of the much-trailed Jamestown followed (an impressive 1.22 million viewers). Hawaii Five-0 was seen by nine hundred thousand, Odious Unfunny Horrorshow (And Drag) James Cordon On The Late Late Show by eight hundred and forty nine thousand, NCIS: Los Angeles by eight hundred and seven thousand and The Blacklist by seven hundred and eighty nine thousand. Sky Atlantic's list was topped by the latest episode of Blue Bloods (three hundred and forty five thousand) whilst Last Week Tonight With John Oliver was seen by one hundred and ninety eight thousand punters. Silicon Valley had one hundred and fifty eight thousand, Game Of Thrones, one hundred and thirty seven thousand and the fifty episode of Twin Peak: The Return, ninety thousand. On Sky Living, the latest episode of Madam Secretary was seen by four hundred and sixty one thousand whilst Nashville had three hundred and sixty five thousand. Shades Of Blue drew three hundred and forty four thousand and Sun, Sea And A&E, one hundred and seventy nine thousand. Sky Arts' Master Of Photography was watched by one hundred and twenty nine thousand viewers. Inside The Actors Studio had sixty two thousand and the umpteenth repeat of Jumpers For Goalposts, fifty five thousand. Endeavour was ITV3's top-rated drama (nine hundred and seventeen thousand viewers). Midsomer Murders was seen by nine hundred and four thousand, Lewis by eight hundred and sixty eight thousand and Foyle's War by six hundred and sixty two thousand. Isle Of Man TT headed ITV4's weekly list with eight hundred and twenty eight thousand punters. ITV2's List of shame was by the return of Love Island - a truly depressing 2.08 million, one of six episodes of the 'z-list celebrity scumfest' to attract audience of more than 1.7 million viewers. Broken Britain in microcosm, dear blog reader. Vera headed ITV Encore's top ten with eighty six thousand viewers, followed by DCI Banks (seventy three thousand). The Real Housewives Of Orange County was seen by three hundred and ten thousand of the sort of people 'for the hard of thinking' who enjoy such risible exercises in z-list-celebrity-by-non-entity on ITVBe. BBC4's list was topped by two episodes of the channel's latest Canadi-noir import, Cardinal (eight hundred and sixteen thousand and seven hundred and twenty nine thousand viewers, respectively), Top Of The Pops 1984 (four hundred and ninety seven thousand) and Great British Railway Journeys (four hundred and ninety four thousand). Next came The Summer Of Love: How Hippies Changed The World (four hundred and eighty four thousand), The Sky At Night (four hundred and sixty five thousand), Horizon (four hundred and fifty nine thousand), The Fairytale Castles Of King Ludwig II (four hundred and forty eight thousand) and Timeshift: Spicing Up Britain (four hundred and twenty five thousand). 5USA's Law & Order: Special Victims Unit was viewed by four hundred and fifty two thousand viewers and NCIS by four hundred and twenty one thousand. NCIS also featured in the weekly most-watch programme lists of Channel Five, CBS Action (one hundred and fourteen thousand), the Universal Channel (eighty four thousand) and FOX (nine hundred and eighty eight thousand viewers). Prison Break was second in FOX's viewing list with seven hundred and twelve thousand. Bull had four hundred and twenty nine thousand whilst the second episode of Shots Fired drew two hundred and forty eight thousand and Outcast was seen by one hundred and ninety seven thousand. The Universal Channel's first episode of Ransom attracted three hundred and sixty two thousand and Chicago Justice, one hundred and ninety six thousand. Bates Motel had one hundred and nineteen thousand. On Dave, unfunny nonsense Taskmaster drew seven hundred and eighty seven thousand. For shame, Great Britain, for shame. Would I Lie To You? had three hundred and ninety three thousand. Channel staple Qi XL attracted two hundred and fifty three thousand. Drama's The Inspector Lynley Mysteries was watched by five hundred and forty six thousand viewers. Death In Paradise was seen by four hundred and ninety two thousand, Life On Mars by three hundred and thirty eight thousand, Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries by three hundred and eighteen thousand and New Tricks by three hundred and seventeen thousand. Jonathan Creek drew two hundred and seventy six thousand. Alibi's highest-rated programme was Quantico (two hundred and two thousand) whilst Rosewood had one hundred and ninety nine thousand, Father Brown, one hundred and forty eight thousand and Inspector George Gently, ninety one thousand. At the Sony Channel, Hustle drew sixty five thousand. Yesterday's repeat run of Open All Hours attracted two hundred and thirty nine thousand, whilst Abandoned Engineering was seen by two hundred and five thousand. A D Day broadcast of the Morning episode of The World At War was watched by one hundred and thirty four thousand whilst the documentary D Day drew one hundred and seventy eight thousand. On the Discovery Channel, Tanked was watched by one hundred and thirty eight eight thousand viewers. Gold Divers had one hundred and thirty seven thousand, Deadliest Catch, one hundred and twenty two thousand, Cooper's Treasure, one hundred and seventeen thousand and Wor Geet Canny Robson Green: Extreme Fisherman, eighty nine thousand. From The North favourite Wheeler Dealers topped the weekly list of Discovery Shed (twenty six thousand) and also appeared in the top ten of Discovery Turbo (twenty two thousand). Discovery History's Blowing Up History headed the top ten-list with Twenty five thousand. Hitler's Henchmen attracted twenty thousand, Tanks, sixteen thousand and Time Team, fourteen thousand. On Discovery Science, How Do They Do It? was seen by fifty five thousand viewers. On Quest, Salvage Hunters was watched by three hundred and ninety eight thousand. Pick's World's Most Evil Bastards had three hundred and twenty seven thousand. National Geographic's list was headed by the latest episode of Genius with one hundred and thirty seven thousand viewers, followed by Primal Survivor (sixty six thousand). National Geographic Wild's Wild Twenty Four: Brazil was watched by thirty five thousand and Cuba's Secret Bees by twenty two thousand. The History Channel's weekly list was topped by Forged In Fire (one hundred and eighty six thousand) and Vikings (one hundred and sixty thousand). On Military History, Rome's Lost Legion was watched by twenty nine thousand punters. If they'd all just hung on another week, they could have found out exactly what happened to them on Doctor Who. The oddly compelling Homicide Hunter, The First Forty Eight, The Jail Atlanta: Sixty Days In and Britain's Darkest Tattoos were Crime & Investigation's top-rated programmes with seventy nine thousand, seventy three thousand, sixty eight thousand and thirty five thousand blood-and-snots-lovers, respectively. Casey Anthony: An American Murder Mystery, Evil Online and Murderisation Calls (With The Blood & The Screaming And That headed Investigation Discovery's list (ninety eight thousand, seventy one thousand and seventy thousand). From The North camp cult favourite Evil Stepmothers attracted forty two thousand. The latest of GOLD's Mrs Brown's Boys repeats had three hundred and sixty five thousand. Comedy Central's largest audience of the week was for one of the nine hundred and forty three billion episodes of Friends (one hundred and fifty two thousand). If it wasn't The One Where Everybody Knows then they've all wasted their time, frankly. Your Face Or Mine had one hundred and twenty eight thousand. Your TV's repeat of Bones series six continued with one hundred and one thousand. On More4, Hunt For The Arctic Ghost Ship was the highest-rated programme with four hundred and seventy nine thousand. Grand Designs had three hundred and eighty two thousand. E4's list was topped by Hollyoaks (nine hundred and seventy one thousand viewers). The movie The Last Starfinder, headed Syfy's top-ten with one hundred and ninety thousand. I Spit On Your Grace 3: It's Getting Rather Damp Now topped The Horror Channel's top ten (one hundred and ninety three thousand), which also included Steven Spielberg's classic TV movie Duel (one hundred and twenty two thousand), Urban Legend: Bloody Mary (ninety two thousand) and Waz (eighty eight thousand). Target Earth and Smokescree topped Talking Pictures list, both with forty one thousand. All New Traffic Cops: Under Attack drew one hundred and eighty four thousand punters on Spike. Yellowstone was watched by fifty three thousand on Eden, whilst Wild Canada attracted twenty four thousand. My Cat From Hell was the Animal Planet's most-watched programme with thirty nine thousand. Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders on W attracted four hundred and forty six thousand punters. True Entertainment's M*A*S*H was watched by one hundred and eighteen thousand and The Persuaders! by ninety two thousand. Eat Well For Less? attracted sixty nine thousand on Good Food. TLC's list was headed by Say Yes To The Dress (one hundred and eighty eight thousand). Shameful waste-of-oxygen Geordie Shore on MTV was viewed by eight hundred and thirty thousand people who enjoy watching attention-seeking glakes swanning around Th' Toon like the own the gaff. Most Haunted was seen by two hundred and eighty seven thousand people. Scooby-Doo! Mask Of The Blue Falcon attracted ninety ninety thousand on Boomerang. Zoinks. Plane Resurrection topped PBS America's weekly list with thirty six thousand. Brit Cops drew thirty one thousand on Real Lives. Topsy & Tim had five hundred and twenty four thousand on Cbeebies.

A docudrama depicting That There Theresa May's - brief, and getting briefer by the day - rise to power last year is to be broadcast on BBC2 on Sunday as the massive political fallout continues from the general erection. Theresa Versus Boris: How May Became PM was commissioned before May made the - as it turned out - spectacularly bad decision to call a snap election. It focuses on the twenty days between the Brexit vote and May becoming Conservative leader and Prime Minister in 2016. Doctor Who actress Jacqueline King stars as May, while Will Barton has the role of Boris Johnson. Inbetweeners actor John Seaward appears as the rat-faced loathsome wretched odious nasty slavver-merchant, George Formby lookalike and runt Gove, who was another leadership challenger. The docudrama will also feature interviews with some of those who were involved in the battle to become party leader, including former ministers Nicky Morgan and those odious hateful slapheed scumbags Iain and Duncan Smith. The BBC said that the programme was 'based on exhaustive research and first-person testimonies' and would 'lay bare the politicking and positioning, betrayals and blunders' of the time. It will portray the events following last year's EU referendum and Dodgy David Cameron's subsequent resignation as Prime Minister. It will recount how the vile and odious reptile Gove - who had initially backed Johnson's leadership ambitions - launched his own campaign to become Prime Minister, leading Johnson to back out of the contest. May ended up winning the leadership race but, a year later - at the time of writing - finds herself in a vulnerable position following an erection that saw her party win the most seats but not an overall majority in the House of Commons. And, indeed, by the time you read this, she might well be queueing up to sign on at the local Job Centre.

Luther fans, your prayers have been answered - the hard-as-nails detective is returning for a fifth series. Idris Elba will once again don his big hard coat for the four-part series, which has been described as 'utterly heart-stopping and unmissable.' The crime drama was last on screens in December 2015, although Elba reprised the role for a Sport Relief sketch last March. Which was about as funny as a big hairy wart on the end of one's chap. Filming will begin on the new series early next year. After the fourth series there had been hopes that Luther would live on in a big-screen version, but such a film never materialised - as spin-off from TV series seldom do. Co-creator and writer Neil Cross said: 'It's a question Idris and I get asked a lot. What happened to John Luther after we last saw him striding unbowed through the streets of his city, his blood red London? It can't be over, can it? There's so much we don't know. So much unfinished business. The thing is, we've been asking ourselves the same question. In the end, we picked up the phone to some old friends and asked if they'd like to find out what happens next. It turns out, they would. So that's what we're going to do. We're going to find out what happens next.' Elba added: 'Neil, the BBC and I have been talking about a further season and I am thrilled that we have been able to bring it all together. I look forward to putting the coat back on.'

The Crown has a huge following, but there's one person in particular that the series creator doesn't want tuning in. Despite being the drama's central focus, Peter Morgan has revealed that he hopes the Queen never watches the show and that he isn't bothered by the royal seal of approval. There were - rather unconvincing - tabloid rumours that Her Maj had seen and enjoyed Claire Foy's on-screen depiction of her life thanks to a dubious 'royal source', but Morgan is having none of it. Speaking to The Hollywood Reporter, he admitted that 'not knowing' about the Royal Family's taste in drama is for the best. 'I never know whether to believe [the rumours],' he said. 'In my own heart of hearts, I sort of want to pretend that she hasn't watched and I hope she never does because then I can say, "I don't know."' Adding that he doesn't want to feel as if he's writing for Her Majesty's 'approval,' he went on: 'I want them to have that privacy and I want us to have our privacy. I don't want them to feel disappointed. I think it's good when both sides have their independence.' There is one member of the Royal Family who has publicly voiced their opinion on The Crown. Princess Eugenie, the Queen's granddaughter, recently told an audience in London that she thought the show's story was 'filmed beautifully. The music is wonderful, the story is beautiful,' she said. 'You feel very proud to watch it. I can't speak for everyone but that's how I felt when I watched it.'

Shipper fans might have been denied their happy ending on NCIS, but have we really seen the last of Ziva David and Tony DiNozzo? Speaking to the Digital Spy website to promote his, really not awfully good, new series Bull, Michael Weatherly said that he would 'never say never' to returning to NCIS, or an on-screen reunion with his former co-star Cote De Pablo. 'I absolutely see worlds where DiNozzo and other characters could pop up [again],' he said. 'It is something I'm very keen to explore when the time is right.' De Pablo left NCIS in 2013 with Weatherly following her last year. In DiNozzo's final episode, he learned that Ziva had apparently been killed, and resigned from his position to care for their young child. But, fans are still eager to see the popular pairing back together – with some speculating that the Ziva character could still be alive, since her body was never recovered. 'I would never say!' Weatherly suggested, when asked if the fan theories could be true. But he added: 'Whether or not it's in Bull or in some other iteration of an NCIS, I would say there's always the chance. She's one of my favourite people. For eight years, we got to have a lot of fun. Certainly, in terms of chemistry, I've never had anyone like that rattle my brain.'

The hit time-travel drama Outlander has found a slot on UK television for the first time. The adaptation of the novels by Diana Gabaldon tells the story of Claire Randall, a World Wwar II nurse swept back in time from 1945 to Eighteenth Century Scotland. It stars Caitriona Balfe and Sam Heughan and had been available on Amazon Prime, but has now been bought up for More4. Channel Four said that the first series of the drama would begin broadcasting later this month. The show has garnered fans worldwide as well as BAFTA Scotland and Critics Choice awards. It follows the story of Claire after she falls back in time to become caught up in the events surrounding the 1645 Jacobite Rising and the following year's the Battle of Culloden. Diana Gabaldon said that she had been influenced by her visits to the battlefield near Inverness (as well as by the character of Jamie in Doctor Who after whom she named her hero) in the writing of her Outlander books. The US show has built its own private film studio at Wardpark in Cumbernauldi in North Lanarkshire, prompting calls to improve studio production in Scotland.

Michael Palin has made 'a significant donation' of written archives to the British Library, which documents his literary and creative career, covering the years 1965 to 1987. It includes over fifty 'Python Notebooks' containing drafts, fledgling ideas and personal reflections relating to his Monty Python's Flying Circus writing, as well as his personal diaries kept during the period.

The BBC has denied a - suspiciously sick agenda-soaked - claim that the award-winning series Planet Earth II 'faked' a scene showing a baby iguana being chased by snakes. Reports on Wednesday suggested more than one iguana was actually filmed, with scenes then 'stitched together.' But the BBC has confirmed that only one animal was chased by the snakes, with other iguanas only filmed for close-ups. The scene quickly went viral when it was was broadcast last year and later won a BAFTA. The iguana hatchling, filmed in the Galapagos, eventually got away - much to viewers' relief. The Daily Scum Mail - of course - claimed that the episode was 'embroiled in a fakery row' after producer Elizabeth White told the Media Production Show: 'It wasn't the same iguana, no, and often we have to augment it with other clips. Unfortunately lizards, snakes and iguanas aren't good at "takes."' But, following this hatchet-job of an article, the BBC defended the Sir David Attenborough-fronted programme, with a spokeswoman saying: 'The BBC strongly refutes any suggestion that the award-winning iguana versus snakes sequence was "faked." The final iguana chase in which one iguana escapes the snakes was - unusually for natural history filming - shot using two cameras, allowing us to follow both the individual iguana and the snakes' point of view. What was captured in the field was extraordinary animal behaviour which had never been witnessed or filmed before.' She added: 'As is common in natural history film-making, pick-up shots were filmed separately - for example close-ups of iguana eyes - to make the story of the sequence as clear as possible for the audience. This is absolutely in keeping with the norms of natural history film-making - and absolutely in line with the BBC's editorial policy guidelines and was a true representation of animal behaviour.'

Paul O'Grady has said 'it was a shock' when he first filmed the upcoming revived version of Blind Date. O'Grady said that he felt he 'shouldn't be doing it' because his late friend Cilla Black had originally hosted the show. One imagines that when this turkey eventually appears, most viewers will agree with O'Grady that he shouldn't have done it. 'I thought "This isn't right, it's so synonymous with Cilla, she should be here, not me,"' he told Radio Times. 'But then I spoke to her sons and lots of people who knew her and they said "You have to do it, because she'd want you to do it for everyone."' Cilla, who died in August 2015, hosted the ITV dating show from 1985 until 2003.

Lindsay Lohan has joined the cast of Sky's upcoming 'comedy' series Sick Note, alongside Rupert Grint, Nick Frost and Don Johnson. The American actress will appear in the second series, with the first due to be shown this autumn. The 'comedy' follows Daniel Glass (played by Grint) as an insurance representative who is wrongly told he has a terminal illness but decides to keep his misdiagnosis to himself. Lohan will play Katerina West, the daughter of Glass's boss (Johnson). The second series, starring Frost as Glass's incompetent oncologist, is expected to be broadcast next year. Sky's head of comedy, Jon Mountague, said: 'One lie leads to the next in this unsettlingly brilliant comedy that will hook viewers in and have them on the very edge of their seats. Filming for series two is already under way and we're delighted to confirm Lindsay Lohan will be joining Rupert and Nick in this stellar comedy cast.' David Walliams and Miranda Hart's production company King Bert is making Sick Note for Sky.

Good Morning Britain has been criticised - admittedly by a bunch of sour, whinging malcontents on Twitter if not anyone that actually matters - for its coverage of the deadly fire which broke out at a London tower block in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

Firefighters took most of the day to put out flames at the twenty four-storey Grenfell Tower in North Kensington, which was home to around one hundred and fifty flats. Police have confirmed that, at the time of writing, 'over fifty' people lost their lives in the tragedy with that figure expected to rise dramatically in the coming days, while London Ambulance confirmed that 'more than fifty' people have or still are being treated in hospital, mostly for smoke inhalation. Footage of some of the people trapped in the building, screaming for help, were broadcast live on GMB. Some viewers found the upsetting scenes too invasive and a number of viewers took to Twitter for a damned good whinge about what a right shite state of affairs all this malarkey was. Because, of course, as we all know, Twitter is now The Sole Arbiter Of The Worth Of All Things. At least, according to some worthless knobcheeses at the Gruniad Morning Star, anyway. And, life wouldn't be life if some people didn't have something to whinge about on a daily basis, would it?

A photo taken by Getty Images and subsequently included on a BBC News website montage of images related to the tragedy appeared to suggest that the gentleman upon whom many of these comments had been focused - who was, reportedly, partially sighted - had eventually been rescued by firefighters. And this was confirmed by the Daily Record among other media outlets.

And, on a somewhat related noted, there was the Evening Standard's extraordinary article Loose Women fans fuming as ITV show is cancelled for extended news coverage of Grenfell Tower blaze. 'One fan said cancelling the show was "beyond a joke,"' the newspaper reported.

'Priorities,' suggested one of this blogger's Facebook friends to which, sadly, this blogger could only reply: 'From a person who, seemingly, describes themselves as "a fan" of Loose Women without any obvious irony? I think that ship's already sailed.'

On the other hand, some This Morning viewers were reportedly 'left disappointed' with a segment that was described - again, by 'some people on social media' if not anyone that you've actually heard of - as 'insensitive' in light of the fire. The feature - which was properly stomach-churning, incidentally - centred on multi-million pound houses owned by a series of b-list 'celebrities' - Jennifer Lawrence, Sting and Matt Lucas among others - which are currently on sale. Pictures of the exteriors and interiors were shown alongside the asking prices of the properties. Although This Morning leans more towards being a 'lifestyles of the rich and talentless' show than a straight news programme, a number of viewers did not take kindly to the timing of the segment and weren't shy in taking to Twitter for another right good whinge about it. And, all of this nonsense constitutes 'news', apparently.

The BBC's assistant political editor was supposed to be updating viewers on Arlene Foster's visit to Downing Street to discuss the DUP propping up That There Theresa May's crumbling government - earlier this week, but he ended up telling them about 'a much more interesting fight about to erupt.' Although the general erection has left some politicians battered and bruised, Norman Smith spoke about the battle brewing in a turf war between Larry The Cat and Palmerston The Cat, both of whom live in the street. He returned to the 'face-off' between the rival Downing Street pussies later in his live interview with The Daily Politics presenter Jo Coburn who asked 'is this a euphemism for what's going on indoors?'

Adrian Lester has stepped behind the camera for the glossy new TV thriller Riviera. As well as playing dodgy art dealer Robert Carver, Lester has directed two episodes of the drama – which stars Julia Stiles as Georgina, a billionaire's wife who only learns of her husband's criminal activities after his death. 'I had to balance both acting and directing,' Lester told the Digital Spy website. 'Robert's a supporting role, so he pops up throughout [the ten-part series] and is heavier in some episodes and not in others. I directed two episodes and in the first one I did, I'm quite heavy in it and then the second episode, I'm not in it at all. So around half the time I was directing, I had to be in front of the camera as well.' Though he describes the experience as 'knackering,' Lester says that it 'wasn't awkward' giving notes to his co-star Stiles: 'With someone as experienced as Julia, you just go all collaborative and ask her what she thinks, and what she feels. I found, working with the actors and being an actor myself, that I was much more aware of what they're going through, so they know that they're in safe hands. I'm always very collaborative about how they see the scene as well.' Lester previously directed one episode of Hustle in 2012 and made his short film directorial debut earlier this year, but insists that he's 'never going to give up the day job. If I do take a job as a director, I am essentially turning down work as an actor,' he said. 'So I will never take a directing job just because it's there. It's going to have to be worth stopping the acting.'

All of the shows in the Bachelor franchise have messiness encoded into their DNA. But, something out of the ordinary happened this week with the upcoming fourth series of Bachelor In Paradise. The series, which puts contestants from other Bachelor and Bachelorette strands together in Sayulita, Mexico, to make 'another bid at love,' had started filming but was abruptly suspended. In a statement, ABC shared: 'We have become aware of allegations of misconduct on the set of Bachelor In Paradise in Mexico. We have suspended production and we are conducting a thorough investigation of these allegations. Once the investigation is complete, we will take appropriate responsive action.'

According to the Digital Spy website, 'the Downton Abbey movie script is half-written.' So, in that regard, it's the same as just about everything else Lord Snooty ever writes.

And, speaking of odious full-of-their-own-importance Tory glakes, that brings us nicely to Jeremy Hunt. It seems like barely a day goes by that someone mispronounces his name in the most devastating way possible. And, it's becoming contagious, it would seem; that is, the inability of broadcasters to say the name 'Jeremy Hunt' without indulging in a bit of allegedly unintentional Cockney rhyming slang. On Monday, the BBC news correspondent Ellie Price was on camera talking to viewers about whether the vastly unpopular politician would be staying on as Health Secretary in the wake of the general erection (which, to the disappointment of millions, he ultimately did) when an apparent c-word type incident occurred. It wasn't the only time on the same day that the unfortunate - and, possibly Freudian - slip of tongue was made, as a Sky News presenter seemed to make exactly the same mistake. 'It looks like Jeremy Hunt is going to be coming out with that NHS pin on his jacket,' said Claudia-Liza Armah, with the 'Hunt' sounding suspiciously like something else. Accidental slips of the tongue or subtextual comments upon Hunt's woeful abilities as a minister who - first as the lack of culture secretary and then at the health department - systematically attempted to wreck two of the great British institutions, the BBC and the NHS? You decide, dear blog reader.

A man who has spent thirteen years in prison in Sweden convicted of murder has been released after new evidence came to light in a true crime podcast. Spar, hosted by journalists Anton Berg and Martin Johnson and released via podcast platform Acast, has been examining the imprisonment of Kaj Linna for the last two years. Linna was initially sentenced to life in prison in 2004 for murder and robbery. Robert Lindberg was killed in an attack in Northern Sweden which also left his brother, Sune, injured. But, a witness who had been involved in the initial trial appeared to undermine his own testimony while being interviewed for the podcast. After the episode was released, Linna used the audio as part of his appeal and, a retrial was granted in December. The audio was also used in court proceedings during the retrial, which concluded at the end of May and found there had been insufficient evidence to convict Linna. He has now been released from prison and reunited with his family. In a statement, the Swedish Court of Appeal president Margareta Bergstrom said: 'Our conclusion is that the evidence presented at trial is insufficient and therefore can not lead to a conviction.' 'We're very happy and relieved. We are frankly impressed that a podcast could have this kind of impact,' Berg told the BBC. Acast co-founder Karl Rosander added: 'It means so much because Kaj Linna has been in jail for thirteen years. We actually helped free an innocent man, it's so amazing and I'm happy for the journalists who wanted to look at the story.' The series looking at Linna's case has released eight episodes so far, with each one attracting around three hundred thousand listeners, according to Berg. 'We released the podcast in May 2015 and the retrial was granted by the Supreme Court in December 2016, so that process alone took a year and a half,' he explained. The retrial was granted at least partly due to the audio interviews which had been gathered by Berg and Johnson during the production of the podcast. 'We met with a man who was the main witness and he came up with a different story to the one he put forward in the trial,' Berg said. 'We had two different microphones in that interview, I was doing the main recording and Martin was sitting next to me and he had a stereo microphone which was there to record atmosphere. The witness asked us to switch off the microphone at one point, which I did and he started giving us details which he had not put forward in the trial. When we got home, we found out that Martin's microphone had been on all the time. Then I called the man and said we had it but, strangely, he said that he was fine with that and we could use the audio.' Linna's fight for a retrial has been covered widely in the Swedish media since the audio came to light. 'The Supreme Court listened to the interview with the witness and when they did they made quite a fuss about this decision and they granted the retrial. They said that it was crucial, because there were things that the courts hadn't been told before,' Berg said. 'The case had been built on the testimony of the man we spoke to and after we interviewed him, he started giving us a new version of events. He was clearly not trustworthy or reliable.' He added: 'I hope the police will now further investigate this crime, because it's a terrible thing that's happened. It's a murder and robbery and now it's unsolved again.' It is the longest-served sentence to be followed by a retrial in Sweden's legal history. Speaking to Swedish media on Thursday, Linna said: 'My time in jail was completely wasted, worthless.'

Australian actress Rebel Wilson has won a defamation case over a series of magazine articles which she claimed had 'ruined' her career. The Supreme Court of Victoria heard that the pieces alleged Wilson had publicly lied about her name, age and upbringing in Australia. Bauer Media denied the articles were defamatory but the six-woman jury were having none of it and sided unanimously in favour of Wilson. The actress, who was seeking unspecified - though, one imagines, pretty 'uge - damages, said she felt she 'had to' take a stand. 'I had to stand up to a bully, a huge media organisation, Bauer Media, who maliciously took me down in 2015 with a series of grubby and completely false articles,' she told reporters outside court. Wilson had returned to Melbourne from Los Angeles to give evidence at the three-week trial - she sat in court every day and spent six days in the witness box herself. She claimed that eight articles published by Bauer magazines in 2015 had portrayed her as 'a serial liar,' and that this resulted in her being sacked from two feature films. In court at various points she rapped, told jokes, did impersonations, repeated assertions that she is distantly related to Walt Disney and broke down in tears at least twice. Last week, summing up the defence, Georgina Schoff, QC, said that the articles were 'substantially true,' trivial and did not affect Wilson's acting career. 'When she's participating in an interview, Ms Wilson must know that she's not giving a comedic performance,' she said. 'The stories that she tells on those occasions she must know are reported faithfully by journalists for the information of their readers.' But closing her case, Wilson's lawyer, Doctor Matthew Collins, QC, questioned why Bauer was unable to identify 'a single person' to whom the actress had, supposedly, told a lie. 'The reason why they came up with nothing, of course, is obvious. Rebel Wilson has not lied,' he said. 'Her claim is not about money, it is about restoring her reputation.' Wilson said that she was 'compelled' to take action because of the 'disgusting and disgraceful' conduct by the tabloid media. 'I am very glad that the jury has agreed with me,' she told reporters. 'I just look forward to rebuilding my career now that the record has been set straight.'

FOX News has dropped 'fair and balanced,' a slogan which, for many, appeared entirely at odds with a right-wing roster of current and former hosts that included Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck, a FOX spokesman has confirmed. The tagline was introduced by the US channel's founder, Roger Ailes, when he set it up in 1996. It was frequently mocked by critics - and,splendidly parodied - because many of the channel's most successful shows had hosts with a clear right-wing agenda and are anything but fair and about as balanced as a ... very unbalanced thing. Its replacement is 'Most watched. Most Trusted.' Which is also crap but, at least, it's not quite as ludicrous as what it's replacing. The switch, which was decided in August 2016, was reported by New York magazine, which said that it followed Ailes's removal as chairman the previous month over allegations that he sexually harassed numerous subordinates, including the former host Gretchen Carlson and star anchor Megyn Kelly. It claimed that executives believed the slogan was 'too closely associated' with the former executive. Ailes, who reportedly received a forty million dollar payout for his departure, died last month aged seventy seven. A FOX News spokesperson said 'fair and balanced' had 'not been used in external marketing or on-air promotions' since August 2016, but 'the shift has nothing to do with programming or editorial decisions.'

Wor Geet Canny Alan Shearer has agreed a settlement after launching a nine million quid damages claim over 'negligent' financial advice. The forty six-year-old former England and yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle striker was suing financial adviser Kevin Neal and pensions specialist Suffolk Life. A trial began at the High Court in London on Wednesday, but a lawyer representing Shearer told the judge that an agreement had now been reached. Barrister Gerard McMeel said the terms of the agreement were confidential. Lawyers had indicated that the case centred on a pension worth about four million knicker. The Match Of The Day analyst alleged Neal had been 'careless and dishonest,' while Suffolk Life had 'breached its regulatory duties.' Both Suffolk Life and Neal disputed the claims, with Neal describing them as 'driven by pure greed and ego.' Rumours that, at this point, Big Al elbowed Neal in the face cannot, at this time, be confirmed or denied. Shearer was also suing two defunct companies, Kevin Neal Associates and Kevin Neal Associates Wealth Management. In his splendid eighteen-year playing career, Shearer made more than five hundred and fifty club appearances, for The Magpies, Southampton and Blackburn Vindaloos, and won sixty three England caps.

David Bowie, John Peel and Sandy Denny will all receive blue plaques in their honour, thanks to nominations made by BBC local radio listeners. Forty-seven of the plaques were unveiled on BBC Music Day on Thursday of this week, recognising pioneering musicians and musical venues around the UK. Lemmy was celebrated at Port Vale FC's Vale Park, the fans of the team has adopted Motorhead's 'Ace Of Spades' as their unofficial anthem. The tenor Alfie Boe is the only living recipient of the award. His plaque was unveiled at Marine Hall in Fleetwood, where the musician gave his first public performance at the age of fourteen. 'I can't believe that this is happening,' he told the BBC. 'You walk past so many blue plaques on buildings and you never suspect you're going to be one of them.' Billy Bragg unveiled a plaque for David Bowie at the former site of the Trident Studios in Soho, where The Grand Dame recorded much of his early output including the 'Space Oddity' single and the multi-million selling LPs Hunky Dory and The Rise & Fall Of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars. The studio was also used by The Be-Atles (a popular beat combo of the 1960s, you might've heard of them) who recorded 'Hey Jude' and some of The White Album there in 1968. Bowie's backing group were also commemorated at Hull's Paragon Station - from where the late Mick Ronson, the late Trevor Bolder and Woody Woodmansey regularly took the train down to The Big Smoke to meet up with The Thin White Duke in the 1970s and, ahem, 'jam good' as it were. Other notable honourees include Sir Neville Marriner, the world-renowned conductor and founder of the Academy of St Martin in the Fields, honoured at his birthplace in Lincolnshire; Delia Derbyshire, the electronic music pioneer and genius who created (but, unlike wot the BBC News website claimed did not 'write') the Doctor Who theme tune, memorialised at her childhood home in Coventry; the Brighton Dome, the site of ABBA's victory in the 1974 Eurovision Song Contest; John Bonham, the late drummer with Led Zeppelin honoured at his childhood home in Redditch; Grimethorpe Colliery Band, whose story inspired the movie Brassed Off recognised on the centenary of their formation; the former site of the Mayfair Ballroom in Newcastle (now, tragically, a cinema), where yer actual Keith Telly Topping spent many, many alcohol-fuelled evenings during his wayward youth, specifically recognised as the venue of Led Zeppelin's UK live debut in 1968. The plaque was unveiled by former Lindisfarne drummer Ray Laidlaw who, then still known as The Downtown Faction, supported Zeppelin that evening; the Manchester flat of Alan Erasmus where - in partnership with the late Tony Wilson - Factory Records was founded, famously launching the careers of Joy Division, New Order and The Happy Mondays among others; the Fox and Hounds Pub in Caversham where alcoholic wife-beating Scouse junkie John Lennon and Paul McCartney played their only gig as The Nerk Twins on 23 April 1960; Eric's Club in Mathew Street, opposite the original Cavern Club where most of the late-1970s Liverpool bands - including Echo & The Bunnymen, The Teardrop Explodes Wah! Heat, Deaf School, OMD and Nightmares In Wax - first played and, also the venue of a legendary gig in April 1977 by The Clash which helped to kick-start the embryonic Liverpool Scene; Cambridge School of Art where Syd Barrett formed the first incarnation of The Pink Floyd; Nick Drake, one of the most influential voices in folk-rock, commemorated in Far Leys, where he died aged twenty six; John Peel, the broadcasting legend and tireless champion of new music, honoured at his local village hall in Great Finborough and Byfield Village Hall in Northampton, the site of Fairport Convention singer Sandy Denny's final gig before her tragic death in 1978.

Another blue plaque recipient was one of yer actual Keith Telly Topping's particular favourites, the late John Entwistle of The Who. John, originally from London, moved to Stow-on-the-Wold, Gloucestershire in 1976, and occupied a palatial gaff there until his death in 2002 (it, famously, featured in the hilarious clay-pigeon shooting sequence in the movie The Kids Are Alright). In May 2000 John stood in for the bass player of the local band The Stowaways at a charity concert held at the Royal British Legion club in Stow. BBC Radio Gloucestershire thought it would be fitting to place the plaque on the Legion club building where this historic gig took place and the club agreed.

Those organising the blue plaques did apparently have several nomination for 'That Mister Bonio (out of The U2 Group) did spake bollocks unto the multitude at this venue on this specific date.' Unfortunately, they couldn't decided which of the six hundred and fifty three places in which such incidents took place was the prime example.

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti lit The Bat-Signal over Los Angeles in a special ceremony honouring the late Adam West. The ceremony was conducted on Thursday 15 June at Los Angeles City Hall.

Anita Pallenberg, the model, actress, style icon and 1960s It Girl, best known for her relationships with various members of The Rolling Stones, has died at the age of seventy three. Her death was made public by Stella Schnabel, the daughter of painter and film director Julian, who said that she had 'never met a woman quite like' Anita. 'Go in peace my Roman mother,' she wrote on Instagram. Pallenberg was the girlfriend of Brian Jones but left him for fellow Stone Keith Richards in 1967. She was also alleged to have briefly had an affair with Sir Mick Jagger while they were making the movie Performance in 1968, though she always denied this. (It was widely rumoured that Jagger and Pallenberg played out sexual scenes in the film 'for real' and, a collection out-takes of these scenes are sometimes claimed to have won a prize at an Amsterdam adult film festival although the veracity of this claim has been questioned over the years. When Richards heard the rumours, he apparently took to sitting in his car outside the Powys Square house where the film was being shot, a story subsequently confirmed by Richards in his autobiography.)

Born in Rome in 1944 to German and Italian parents, Pallenberg began her career as a model and spent time in the 1960s at Andy Warhol's Factory in New York. She met Jones in 1965 having moved to London but, the relationship was reportedly marred by domestic abuse and she left Jones two years later for Richards after Jones administered one-beating too many whilst the trio were on holiday in Morocco. In his autobiography, Life, Keef described Pallenberg as a 'very strong' woman who was 'extremely bright' and 'a great beauty.' The couple had three children together, one of whom died in infancy, before they finally separated in 1980. Pallenberg sang backing vocals on 'Sympathy For The Devil' and was said to have had a 'profound' influence on the band by their one-time PA, Jo Bergman. She had roles in films including 1969's Barbarella and 2007's Mister Lonely and made a cameo appearance in the BBC sitcom Absolutely Fabulous in 2001, Pallenberg playing the Devil opposite her close friend and fellow Stones camp-follower Marianne Faithfull's God.

Anita was accused of manslaughter in 1979 after a man named Scott Cantrell killed himself with her gun in the New York home she shared with Richards. 'I didn't feel anything,' she said of the death, for which she was subsequently cleared. 'That's one of the wonders of drugs and drink.' Richards wrote that Anita shared his addiction to heroin; she was busted during the infamous 1977 Toronto hotel raid which led to Richards being arrested on charges that could have led to a lengthy prison sentence (he claimed that his first words to Pallenberg after he'd been woken up by a police officer to be informed officially that he was under arrest was 'see you in seven years, babe!') She pleaded guilty to marijuana possession and was fined. Spanish Tony Sanchez's account of his time as Richards's bodyguard and drug dealer mentions Pallenberg's strange spiritual practices: 'She was obsessed with black magic and began to carry a string of garlic with her everywhere - even to bed - to ward off vampires. She also had a strange mysterious old shaker for holy water which she used for some of her rituals. Her ceremonies became increasingly secret, and she warned me never to interrupt her when she was working on a spell.' Known for her colourful lifestyle, Pallenberg sought help for her addictions in 1987 and went on to study fashion at Central St Martins in London. Pallenberg suffered from hepatitis C and had two hip surgeries, including a hip replacement, which caused her to walk with a limp. In later years, she lived in Chelsea but spent her winters in Jamaica. She sporadically appeared in public as a party DJ. Pallenberg at one point was reported to be interested in writing a memoir but decided not to go ahead with it. 'The publishers want to hear only about The Stones and more dirt on Mick Jagger and I'm just not interested,' she said in 2008. 'I had several publishers and they were all the same. They all wanted salacious. And everybody is writing autobiographies and that's one reason why I'm not going to do it. If young Posh Spice can write her autobiography, then I don't want to write one!' She is survived by her two children - Marlon and Dandelion - and five grandchildren. And, by Keef of course who will, as we all know, live forever.

The Batman & Robin director - Joel Schumacher - is ready for his penance it would seem and had used a recent interview to publicly apologised for the movie fully twenty years after its release (and its public evisceration by reviewers): 'I was scum,' he said during an interview with Vice. 'It was like I had murdered a baby.' Now, that's possibly true it is a woefully bad movie. But, you know, it's not completely without some redeeming features. As Keith Telly Topping had noted before (and it bears repeating), Alicia Silverstone in a schoolgirl outfit. What's not to love?!

That There Theresa May is unlikely to make it to the Tory party conference as Prime Minister, Michael Portillo has said, as he accused her of 'lacking humanity.' Which, coming from Old Mister Portaloo a few years ago would have been a very definite 'pot-kettle-black' type situation. Mister Portaloo - a former Cabinet member himself, until he left parliament in 2005 and reinvented himself as the make of, admittedly rather good documentaries for the BBC and as a regular of The Daily Politics - said that he would be 'amazed' if May was still PM by October, when the Conservative Party conference takes place. One senses that, at the moment, so would That There Theresa May. He made the claim during an appearance on the BBC's This Week, during which he also said May had 'failed to show any humanity' by not meeting residents during two visits to Grenfell Tower. The Prime Minister met fire chiefs but did not speak to residents, while her opposite number, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was seen to be meeting people affected by the blaze. Asked about their different approaches, Portaloo said: 'Well, alas, Mrs May was what she has been for the last five to six weeks, that is to say she wanted an entirely controlled situation in which she didn't use her humanity. So she met in private with the emergency services – a good thing to do, no doubt – but she should have been there with the residents, which is what Jeremy Corbyn was. He was there hugging people and being natural with them. The Prime Minister would have been shouted at by residents but she should have been willing to take that. You have to be prepared to receive people's emotions and not be so frightened about people.' During a later discussion about Brexit, Portaloo suggested that May's as Prime Minister are numbered. No shit. Once-in-a-generation mind, that bloke. 'I am a supporter of Brexit but Mrs May hasn't been able to get a hard Brexit through the electorate,' he said. 'She won't be able to get it through the Cabinet, she won't be able to get it through her party, she won't be able to get it through the Commons, she won't be able to get it through the Lords. So she might as well stop talking about it right now. Actually, it doesn't matter what she talks about because she isn't going to be Prime Minister for very much longer.' Ouch! Tell it like it is, Mister Portaloo.

He added that he thought it would be 'humiliating' for May to attend the party conference – a reference to her losses in this month's general erection – and suggested that she would be 'better to avoid' such humiliation by standing down before the conference, in October. On Friday, having finally been shamed into meeting some of the more photogenic victims of the tragedy, That There Theresa May faced cries of 'coward' and 'shame on you' from onlookers as she - reluctantly - returned to Kensington. Following this she was rushed away from angry crowds. because, God help her if she actually had to meet some ordinary people. That would never do.

A US woman is suing a casino that told her the slot machine displaying a forty three million dollars jackpot was 'faulty' and offered her a steak dinner instead, reports claim. Katrina Bookman took a selfie showing the machine saying 'printing cash ticket $42,949,672.76' at the Resorts World Casino in New York last August. But she was escorted from the premises and was told the next day she could have only $2.25. So, that would be less. Her lawyer, Alan Ripka, says that she is 'entitled' to the full amount displayed. The lawsuit filed at the Queens County Supreme Court said the Sphinx slot machine's 'bells, noises and lights' as well as the message on the screen told Bookman she had won the jackpot, Courthouse News reported. The subsequent disappointment left Bookman 'anxious and depressed,' the report said. And, skint, obviously. She is seeking damages from the casino for 'failing to maintain the slot machine' as well as two companies that make and operate games machine, reports said. A Resorts World spokesman said at the time that the machine had suffered 'an obvious malfunction.' The New York State Gaming Commission said the machine had been 'displaying a disclaimer' which said 'malfunctions void all pays and plays.' But Ripka told US media at the time that the casino had 'not responded to requests' for an explanation about exactly how the slot machine malfunctioned. In 2011 the Iowa Supreme Court denied an eighty seven-year old grandmother a payout of forty two million bucks after a Miss Kitty slot machine showed a message saying she had won a bonus of that amount. The casino claimed that it had been a malfunction and offered her $1.85 based on the symbols the machine was displaying at the time.

In China, it is legal to eat cats and dogs. Even so, ordinary people reacted with alarm this week as news broke of a Chinese man caught with five hundred cats, crowded into tiny cages, which he intended to sell to restaurants. The man had used sparrows and caged birds to lure both stray cats and domestic ones in the city of Jiujiang in Southern Jiangsu province, the 163.com and news.ifeng.com websites reported. Many of the cats were found in cages in the back of a small truck, some near death and mewing faintly in the heat, while others were recovered in a hut near a highway, cooled only by a ceiling fan. The man usually sold the cats for about thirty Yuan each, the report said, citing a local policeman. The man, identified only as Sun, was arrested Sunday after another man complained to police that someone had been stealing his pets, including a mother nursing five kittens. Police said that if no owners came forward, they would just release the five hundred cats, the report said.

Security cameras at a café in Ontario captured the terrifying moment that an out-of-control car slammed through the window at high speed, striking two diners and pinning them to the wall. Incredibly, both were able to walk away from the incident relatively unscathed. The accident occurred at Silks Country Kitchen in Virgil on 30 May. Eddie Dijon, eighty four, was eating with his friend Blair Robertson when a silver Lexus came barrelling through the window at high speed. The impact flung both men violently backward, pinning them between the wall and the car as debris was sent flying. Niagara Emergency Medical Services said that both were sent to hospital for evaluation, but additional ambulances originally called to the scene were cancelled in light of their minor injuries. While they know it could have been much worse, the men stress that the crash was every bit as bad as it appeared. 'I'm battered and bruised, have a nasty headache and assorted aches and pains,' Robertson told the Niagara Advance. Dijon is a magician and an alleged 'psychic' by trade, as is Robertson. Needless to say, neither man saw this coming. The driver of the Lexus was identified as an eighty five-year-old woman from New York state. Police say that she was interviewed at the scene and found not to be intoxicated or under the influence, merely 'old.' Because the incident occurred on private property and no one suffered serious injury, police are declining to press charges.

A remorseful seventy one year-old man who robbed a Kansas City bank last September and told police he hoped to land in prison to escape his wife told a federal judge on Tuesday that heart surgery had left him depressed and unlike himself when he committed the crime. Though Lawrence John Ripple pleaded extremely guilty to bank robbery in January and could have spent up to thirty seven months in prison, his attorney and federal prosecutors asked a US District Court judge for leniency. That request was supported by the vice president of the bank and the teller whom Ripple frightened, said Assistant Attorney Sheri Catania. Judge Carlos Murguia sentenced Ripple on Tuesday to six months of home confinement after public defender Chekasha Ramsey and Catania cited Ripple's health issues, remorse and unlikeliness to reoffend. Ripple will also serve three years of supervised probation, including fifty hours of community service. He was ordered to pay $227.27 to the bank he robbed — the amount representing the billable hours for bank employees who were sent home on the day of robbery — and one hundred bucks to a crime victims fund. Ripple's story gained national attention last autumn when he walked into the Bank of Labor, located just a block away from the Kansas City police headquarters and gave a note to the teller. It read: 'I have a gun, give me money,' according to court documents. After the teller gave Ripple just under three thousand dollars, Ripple sat down in the bank lobby to wait for police and later told authorities that he had written out a robbery note in front of his wife and told her he would rather be in jail than at home with her. Ramsey told a judge on Tuesday that before the September incident, Ripple had 'lived a law-abiding life.' He had no criminal record, was a dutiful father to four step-children and was in a stable relationship with his wife. Calling the robbery a 'cry for help,' Ramsey said that Ripple has since been properly diagnosed as suffering from depression, is on 'proper' medication and 'feels like his normal self again.'

A New Jersey man was arrested at his work site after it was discovered that he had been ejaculating in his employer’s coffee every morning. Thirty eight-year old Lewis Williams reportedly spent the last four years working as the personal assistant of Linda Moore, executive president of the DANCO engineering firm. Among his tasks as Moore's assistant, he was to take her phone calls, set her schedule and bring her a cup of coffee to her desk every day when she arrived at work. After a dispute with his boss, Williams admitted in front of a dozen coworkers, that he had ejaculated in her coffee 'hundreds of time.' According to Brian Little, an intern who witnessed the scene, Williams 'showed no remorse' while he confessed to his sticky crime. The angry employee explained that he had been putting 'extra cream' in Moore's coffee. After his confession, his colleagues called the police and Williams was pinch by The Fuzz. The staff also told Moore, 'whatever you do, don't ask for any chocolate sprinkles on top.' Allegedly. A total of nine hundred and ten criminal charges has been filed against him, including eight hundred and sixty charges of sexual assault. If found guilty on all charges, he could face up to one thousand and seventy years in prison. Although, he might get a couple of decades off for good behaviour. Some of his colleagues have told reporters that Williams was 'deeply misogynic' and found it humiliating to take orders from a woman all day. Other employees, however, have snitched that Moore was often 'aggressive, dominating and verbally abusive' with the accused and he may have acted as some sort of 'self-defence.'

A Florida woman has been accused of stealing money from the city of Gainesville to get a butt lift, police said. A report released Wednesday claimed that Natwaina Clark stole ninety three thousand dollars from the city, using eight thousand five hundred dollars of this on the cosmetic surgery. Clark also used city money to pay her cable bill, food, highway tolls, purchase a television and other expenses, police said. Clark was fired shortly before she was arrested on 28 March and charged with larceny and scheme to defraud. She has pleaded very not guilty.

It's a case that Gibbs and NCIS team could've probably solved inside an hour, but in real life it took a bit longer. A Navy sailor who was presumed to have gone overboard was discovered hiding in the engine room of his cruiser. Peter Mims, a gas turbine systems technician, was serving aboard the USS Shiloh, based in Japan, when he went missing without a trace on 8 June. The Navy and Japanese forces dispatched planes and helicopters to search five thousand square miles in the Philippine Sea before suspending the search on 11 June, according to a statement from the US Seventh Fleet. On Thursday, however, after the Navy had given up on searching outside the ship, Mims was discovered alive and onboard the vessel. He was found hiding in the Shiloh's engine room, according to the Navy Times. The Navy did not comment on what exactly had happened to Mims, who has served for three years, other than saying that he was 'taken for medical evaluation' aboard a nearby aircraft carrier.

While jogging on a familiar, overgrown, wooded trail near her home on a recent warm afternoon, Rachel Borch thought to herself, 'what a beautiful day.' Big mistake. Little did Rachel know she was about to be attacked by a rabid raccoon which she would end up killing with her bare hands. Sounds like an average Saturday night at Stately Telly Topping Manor, frankly, but obviously other people have different views of 'normality.' In the midst of appreciating the weather and scenery, Rachel noticed the raccoon obstructing the narrow foot path and baring its teeth. Suddenly, it began 'bounding' toward her, Borch recalled during an interview at her home in Hope. 'I knew instantly it had to be rabid,' said Borch, who remembers ripping out her headphones and dropping her phone on the ground. A split second later, the crazed animal was at her feet. Borch said she was 'dancing around it,' trying to figure out what to do. 'Imagine the Tasmanian devil,' she said. 'It was terrifying. I knew it was going to bite me.'An, indeed, the wild beast sank its teeth into Borch's thumb and 'wouldn't let go. I didn't think I could strangle it with my bare hands,' she recalled, but holding it under the water on a nearby puddle might do the trick. 'With my thumb in its mouth, I just pushed its head down into the muck,' Borch said. 'It was still struggling and clawing at my arms. It wouldn't let go of my thumb,' she said. Borch said she held the raccoon there for 'what felt like an eternity' until, finally, it stopped struggling and died. Hyperventilating and in hysterics, she pulled her thumb out of the raccoon's mouth 'and then I just bolted as fast as I could through the underbrush,' she said. 'It felt like [Stephen King's] Pet Sematary.' Rachel then ran the three-quarters of a mile home to her house. With her mother, Elizabeth, she drove immediately to Pen Bay Medical Center. The dead raccoon was retrieved by Borch's father, who packed it into a 'Taste of the Wild' dog food bag and handed it over to the Maine Warden Service. Hope Animal Control Officer Heidi Blood confirmed on Wednesday that the dead raccoon later tested positive for rabies by the Maine Center for Disease Control. 'Not to scare people,' Blood said, but 'when there's one [infected], there's typically another.' Infected animals typically start showing signs within two weeks, Blood said. Humans can start exhibiting symptoms within a few weeks, she added, but often it takes a few months. Borch has received six injections so far, including the rabies vaccine and immunoglobulin and tetanus injections. She is slated to receive her last injection this weekend. 'If there hadn't been water on the ground, I don't know what I would have done,' Borch said of drowning the animal. 'It really was just dumb luck. I've never killed an animal with my bare hands. I'm a vegetarian. It was self-defence.' Her advice for others who find themselves facing a rabid animal? Borch said she has none. |Other than, you know, it's them or you. 'I always thought of raccoons as this cute, cuddly forest animal,' she said. 'I just will never look at them the same way.'

A York County woman is facing charges that she assaulted a Pennsylvania State Police trooper with a cell phone, according to court documents. Jennifer Teresa Hanzlik, of Manheim Township, is charged with aggravated assault, DUI, simple assault, obstructing administration of law, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and harassment. The alleged incident unfolded after Hanzlik called state police from the Dollar General Store parking lot in Jefferson Borough to report 'a domestic dispute' between her and her husband occurred while she was driving. During the phone call Hanzlik reported that she believed neither she or her husband were 'fit to drive,' according to the criminal complaint. A short time later, a Pennsylvania State Constable encountered Hanzlik in the parking lot and called state police to report she was 'extremely intoxicated' and 'causing a disturbance.' The constable said Hanzlik drove off despite his efforts to keep her from driving. Troopers Joshua Koach and Travis Vankuren responded to Hanzlik's home. State police say Hanzlik became 'argumentative and hostile' while talking with troopers when they questioned her about driving while intoxicated. During the exchange, Hanzlik called 911 to report the troopers were 'harassing' her and then attempted to open her front door to go back inside her home. Trooper Vankuren placed his hand on the door to stop her from opening, at which point Hanzlik hit him on the left side of his face with her mobile phone, according to the criminal complaint. Hanzlik then resisted arrest, police said. She was eventually placed in a headlock, taken into custody and transported to The Big House for a blood test, which she refused. Even after Hanzlik was presented with a warrant, she continued to refuse to take a blood test, police said.

A young woman who sent her boyfriend a barrage of text messages urging him to kill himself when they were both teenagers was very convicted Friday of involuntary manslaughter in a trial that raised questions about whether words can kill. The judge found that Michelle Carter caused the death of Conrad Roy III, who intentionally filled his truck with carbon monoxide in a Fairhaven, Massachusetts, store parking lot in July 2014. Carter, who now faces up to twenty years in stir, cried and clutched a handkerchief to her face as Juvenile Court Judge Lawrence Moniz detailed her conduct and the circumstances of Roy's death, but she was stoic when the verdict was formally pronounced. As spectators and members of both the Roy and Carter families left the courtroom, she sat at the defence table, blubbing, while her lawyers tried - unsuccessfully - to comfort her. The judge focused his ruling on three words Carter said to the eighteen-year-old Roy after he climbed out of his truck as it was filling with toxic gas and told her he was scared. 'Get back in,' Carter told Roy, according to a friend who testified that Carter described the conversation in a text message to her about a month after Roy died. The judge said those words constituted 'wanton and reckless conduct.' He said that Carter, then seventeen, 'had a duty' to call someone for help when she knew Roy was attempting suicide. Yet she did not call the police or Roy's family, he noted. 'She did not issue a simple additional instruction: Get out of the truck,' the judge said. The case provided a disturbing look at teen depression and suicide. Carter and Roy met in Florida in 2012 while both were on vacation with their families. Their relationship consisted mainly of texting and other electronic communications. They only met in person on a handful of occasions. Both teens struggled with depression. Carter had also been treated for anorexia and Roy had made an earlier unsuccessful suicide attempt. The trial was closely watched in legal circles and was - of course - a trending topic on social media (in and of itself an utterly disgraceful comment on Twenty First Century society, frankly) at least in part because of the insistent tone of text messages Carter sent to Roy. 'You can't think about it. You just have to do it. You said you were gonna do it. Like I don't get why you aren't,' Carter wrote to Roy the day of his suicide. 'I thought you wanted to do this. The time is right and you're ready. Just do it babe,' she wrote in another text later that day. In the end, the judge found that it was not the coercive text messages which caused Roy's death. It was Carter's insistence that he get back in the truck. The judge ruled that Carter can remain free on bail but ordered her not to make any contact with Roy's family or leave the state. Or, indeed, to make any plans for the next couple of decades. A sentencing hearing is scheduled for 3 August. Carter's lawyer, Joseph Cataldo, argued that Roy was 'determined' to kill himself and nothing Carter did could change that. He said that Carter initially 'tried to talk Roy out of it' and urged him to 'get professional help' but, eventually, 'went along with his plan.' The judge said that he did not take into account in his verdict Roy's previous suicide attempts. Roy's father said the family was 'pleased' with the conviction. 'This has been a very tough time for our family and we'd like to just process this verdict that we are happy with,' Conrad Roy Junior. said. Assistant District Attorney Katie Rayburn said that the case dealt with important societal issues, 'but in the end, the case was really about one young man and one young woman who were brought together by tragic circumstances.' The American Civil Liberties Union denounced the conviction, saying it 'exceeds the limits of our criminal laws and violates free speech protections' guaranteed by the Massachusetts and US constitutions. Matthew Segal, the ACLU's legal director for Massachusetts, called Roy's suicide 'tragic' but said, 'It is not a reason to stretch the boundaries of our criminal laws or abandon the protections of our constitution.'

President - and hairdo - Donald Trump acknowledged for the first time on Friday that he is under federal investigation as part of the expanding probe into Russia's erection meddling. He - rather atypically - lashed out at a top Justice Department official overseeing the inquiry, reflecting his mounting frustration with the unrelenting controversy which has consumed his early presidency. ' am being investigated for firing the FBI Director by the man who told me to fire the FBI Director! Witch Hunt,' the president - and hairdo - wrote on Twitter. Which, quite apart from anything else, is offensive and something-ist to genuine witches. His morning rant apparently referred to Rod Rosenstein, the Deputy Attorney General whose role leading the federal investigation has become increasingly complicated. The White House has used a memo he wrote to justify Trump's decision to fire FBI Director James Comey, but that action in and of itself may now be part of the probe. On Thursday night, Rosenstein issued an unusual statement complaining about leaks in the case. Trump advisers and confidants describe the president as 'increasingly angry' over the investigation, 'yelling at television sets' in the White House carrying coverage and insisting he is 'the target of a conspiracy' to discredit - and potentially end - his presidency. Which, of course, is exactly the sort of temperament you want from the person with the keys to the nuclear launch codes. Some of his ire is said to be aimed specifically at Rosenstein and investigative special counsel Robert Mueller, both of whom the president believes are 'biased' against him, associates say. Dianne Feinstein, top Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said she was 'increasingly concerned' that Trump will fire both Mueller and Rosenstein. 'The message the President is sending through his tweets is that he believes the rule of law doesn't apply to him and that anyone who thinks otherwise will be fired,' Feinstein said. 'That's undemocratic on its face and a blatant violation of the President's oath of office.' Mind you, it wouldn'[t be the first time that a President considered himself to be above the law. Aides have reportedly 'counselled' the president to stay off Twitter and focus on other aspects of his job. Like, you know, doing it. They have tried to highlight the 'positive' reviews he received on Wednesday when he made a statesman-like appearance in the White House to address the nation after Republican Steve Scalise was shot and injured during a congressional baseball practice. Yet Trump's angry and crazed tweets on Friday underscored the near-impossible challenge his advisers and legal team have in trying to get him to avoid weighing in, publicly, on an active probe. The President has denied that he has any nefarious ties to Russia and has also disputed that he's attempted to block the investigation into his campaign's possible role in Russia's election-related hacking. One or two people even believed him. It was unclear whether his tweet about being under investigation was based on direct knowledge or media reports which suggest that Mueller is examining whether the President obstructed justice by firing Comey. The tweets came shortly after Rosenstein issued his statement that appeared to be warning about the accuracy of such reports. 'Americans should be sceptical about anonymous allegations,' Rosenstein said. 'The Department of Justice has a long-established policy to neither confirm nor deny such allegations.' The department would not comment on the record about whether Trump, who has repeatedly complained about leaks on the case, 'requested' the statement. But, a department official said that 'no one asked' for the statement and Rosenstein 'acted on his own.' The official demanded anonymity from the media because the official said that he was 'not authorised' to be named discussing the deliberations. Trump has reportedly told associates that he has 'the legal authority' to fire Mueller. What is clear is that he could order the Justice Department to axe Mueller, which may result in Rosenstein's departure and would certainly intensify the uproar over the investigation. Though some in the White House have preached caution, fearing a repeat of the firestorm over Comey's dismissal, many in Trump's orbit - including his son Donald Trump Junior and adviser Newt Gingrich - have deemed Mueller 'biased' and worthy of dismissal. Several White House officials and Trump associates insisted on anonymity in order to discuss the President's views of the unfolding investigation. Rosenstein has been overseeing the Russia probe since shortly after Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself. But Rosenstein, too, may ultimately have to hand off oversight given his role in Trump's decision to fire Comey. Earlier this month, Rosenstein told The Associated Press that 'if anything that I did winds up being relevant to his investigation then, as Director Mueller and I discussed, if there's a need from me to recuse, I will.' Trump's tweets came after the top lawyer for his transition team allegedly warned the organiastion's officials to 'preserve all records and other materials' related to the Russia probe. An official of Trump's transition confirmed the lawyer's internal order, which was sent on Thursday. The order from the General Counsel for the transition team casts a wide net on documents that could shed light on ties between Trump's presidential campaign and representatives of Russia's government. The order also covers separate inquiries into several key Trump associates - including former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, campaign adviser Paul Manafort, foreign policy aide Carter Page and outside adviser Roger Stone. The White House has directed questions for details to outside legal counsel, which has not responded. Vice President Mike Pence has also reportedly hired a private lawyer to 'represent his interests' in the expanding probe. Pence headed the Trump transition until Inauguration Day. Trump's personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, also has retained an attorney to represent him. Cohen has worked for Trump since the mid-2000s and was active in the campaign. He has already been subpoenaed by the House intelligence committee. For anyone interested in how this sort of thing usually plays out, Fred Emery's book Watergate: The Corruption Of American Politics & The Fall Of Richard Nixon and, the film All The President's Men would be a useful starting-place.

A man under investigation after his daughter's body was found in an Illinois garage claimed in a jailhouse interview that she choked to death accidentally and his wife found the place to hide the body. Jason Quate made the comments during an interview that the St Louis Post-Dispatch. Quate, who is jailed in Las Vegas on prostitution-related charges, declined multiple interview requests from other media outlets. Authorities found the girl's body Tuesday in a garage behind a dilapidated and vacant home in Centreville, Illinois after Quate's wife alerted police in Las Vegas, where she, Quate and two other daughters now live. The woman also accused Quate of 'forcing' her into sex trafficking and abusing their other two daughters. Police believe the child was killed about four years ago, when she was six. Quate faces a court hearing on charges of felony sex trafficking and living from the earnings of a prostitute. No charges have been filed in his daughter's death. Quate told the Post-Dispatch that the girl choked to death when he spanked her, unaware that she still had Salisbury steak in her mouth. A day earlier, he told KSNV-TV in Las Vegas that his wife had told him she had put the girl up for adoption. He told the Post-Dispatch that he had 'lied' to the TV station and that his wife had come up with the adoption story after their daughter died. In his interview with the newspaper, he repeatedly referred to what happened with his daughter as 'horrible.' Particularly for the little girl. 'I'm not the monster she's making me out to be,' he said of his wife. Quate claimed he and his wife were 'afraid' to call police out of fear that their other children would be taken from them. He said they kept the girl's body in their home in Belleville 'for some time.' Eventually, Quate said, his wife came up with the idea to work as a prostitute in Las Vegas. Before they left, she found a garage in Centreville, where the body was dumped, he said. The family moved to Las Vegas two years ago. Their two teenage daughters are now in protective custody. Police said the girls were 'never allowed outside,' even to attend school. A police lieutenant said the girls 'lacked socialisation skills' and 'showed signs of abuse.' A separate child abuse charge against Quate is pending, said Audrie Locke, an aide to Clark County District Attorney Steve Wolfson in Las Vegas. A judge is expected to appoint a lawyer to represent Quate at Friday's court hearing. The mother was also jailed in Las Vegas pending a court appearance as a fugitive on an out-of-state warrant.

Two teenagers were rescued from the catacombs beneath Paris on Wednesday after being lost for three days in the pitch-black tunnels of the underground burial ground. The two, aged sixteen and seventeen, were taken to hospital and were treated for hypothermia after being found by search teams and rescue dogs in the early hours of Wednesday morning. 'It was thanks to the dogs that we found them,' a spokesman for the Paris fire service said. A network of about one hundred and fifty miles of underground tunnels forms a maze beneath Paris, with only a small section open to the public at an official visitors' site. Entering the other galleries has been against the law since 1955, but schoolchildren and partygoers have been known to access them through secret entrance points. For a laugh. The transfer of human remains from Parisian cemeteries to the tunnels began towards the end of the Eighteenth century for public health reasons, with the bones of approximately six million people stored there. The ambient temperature in the dank narrow passageways is about fifteen degrees Celsius. It was not clear exactly who raised the alarm about the missing teenagers or why they got lost in the first place. The operator of the Catacombs museum, a popular attraction where queues are sometimes several hours long, stressed that no one had ever got lost in the two kilometres of tunnels open to the public.

A television reporter who was extremely fired after berating a police officer during an expletive-filled tirade outside a Philadelphia comedy club says that she feels 'ruined' by the experience and wants to apologise to the officer in question. Colleen Campbell said that she only learned her rant outside Helium on Sunday had been caught on camera and posted to Facebook after she was busted on charges of resisting arrest, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct. 'When I came home, I called my producer to talk about why I was absent,' Campbell told Philadelphia Magazine. 'I didn't realise a video was out. I found out about it later because HR called me and said I was being terminated.' New York-based comedian Wil Sylvince posted a five-minute clip of 'a very obnoxious' Campbell after she was kicked out of the club for 'loud whispering' throughout the show. Campbell denied being disruptive to an officer, prompting a man who was accompanying her to thank the officer for his patience. The officer replied that he just wanted the pair to walk away. 'Or what, motherfucker? Lick my asshole,' Campbell says on the video, which had been viewed more than one-and-a-half million times as of Tuesday. 'How about that? Fucking piece of shit. That's why nobody likes fucking police ... idiots in this fucking town.' Delightful. Campbell, according to the magazine, claimed in a Facebook post that she only had one drink and suggested she 'might' have been drugged before deleting her social media accounts. She has been receiving 'threats' and now says that she wishes to apologise to the officer. 'That's not me or how I talk or act or anything at all,' she said. 'I don't know what to do. I feel ruined and embarrassed for me and my family.' Asked why she thinks she was drugged, Campbell said 'everything was foggy,' adding that she remembers 'getting into an altercation' at the club but said she didn't know what about. In her original Facebook post on the incident, Campbell claimed to have had only one drink, but later she admitted having a total of five, including two shots an hour before the show and some while bartending earlier on Sunday. 'I feel awful,' she told the magazine. 'That's not me or how I speak or how I talk or how I was raised.' Asked about the calm and collected officer who displayed extreme restraint during the incident, Campbell said: 'I wanna apologise to [him]. I don't remember the whole altercation at all. I remember feeling attacked. I would never talk like that. It was like watching a whole different me.'

An Olympic hopeful and aspiring model who acted as the getaway driver in a seven hundred thousand knicker car theft has been very jailed for two years. British equestrian eventer Kirstie Covele drove her young accomplices to thirteen of the thirty three burglaries carried out across North Kent and South London in a two months spree of theft in the summer of last year. The eighteen-year-old's car triggered automatic number plate recognition cameras as she travelled in convoy with the stolen vehicles. She told police after her arrest that, although she drove her co-defendants around, she 'did not know of their criminal activity' and was 'simply paid petrol money.' Her father was dying from motor neurone disease at the time and the court heard she acted criminally as 'a consequence of trauma, distress and stress.' The gang of eight, mostly teenagers and some aged fifteen at the time, stole a range of vehicles, including high-value Mercedes, BMWs and Audis, with a total value of six hundred and ninety six thousand five hundred smackers. Wearing 'skeleton' or ski masks and armed with screwdrivers, they burgled homes in towns and villages in the early hours of the morning while the occupiers were asleep. Having acquired car keys, the gang would then make off with the vehicles to be either sold on with false plates, stripped of parts or burned out. Police later found video footage of one of the vehicles on fire in a field - a Mercedes worth forty grand and stolen from Petts Wood in Kent - on the phone of one of the thieves. Maidstone Crown Court in Kent heard they were paid fifteen hundred notes 'to be shared between them' for each car stolen between 12 June and 14 August 2016. Several break-ins were committed in one night, with some residents having two cars stolen off their driveways. The gang even had the audacity to target one road on two consecutive nights. Former agricultural college student Covele, of Orpington, 'looked stunned' according to the Daily Mirra as she was sentenced to two years stir in a young offenders' institution. Twenty-one-year-old father of three Thomas Ripley was described as the 'controlling mind' of the organised enterprise and involved in twenty one break-ins and thefts. He was jailed for five years. Ripley, together with Jack Hever of Orpington, Freddie Friend of Orpington and sixteen-year-old Harry Turner, of Northfleet, all admitted conspiracy to burgle. Apprentice engineer Hever was sentenced to three years' youth custody. Friend was given a two-year detention and training order and Turner was sentenced to an eighteen-month detention and training order. Shannon Kelynack and Charlie Parker, both of Orpington and a sixteen-year-old girl who cannot be named for legal reasons, pleaded very guilty to conspiracy to steal. Kelynack was given two years' youth custody and Parker was sentenced to a twelve-month detention and training order. The teenage girl was not at court as she was sitting a GCSE exam. She will be sentenced at a later date. Sentencing the seven gang members, Judge Adele Williams said the burglaries 'bore the hallmarks' of professional crime. 'Tools were used to gain access and many of the householders were asleep in their homes. I have read victim personal statements and they make plain not surprisingly how badly affected they have been by these crimes, with feelings of violation of their homes as well as the financial loss and inconvenience they have suffered. The houses were targeted for their high-value cars. They were disposed of either in their entirety or for their parts. I have no doubt there were those higher up the chain who were older and more sophisticated criminals than you, but each of you played your part in this criminality.' The court heard that the burglaries were carried out in Bexley, Bexleyheath, Petts Wood, Orpington, Swanley, West Kingsdown, Otford, Dartford, Hartley, Strood, Higham and Larkfield. Prosecutor Shannon Revel said the eight defendants were identified through mobile phone data and ANPR cameras. 'A total of thirty three burglaries were committed over a two-month period and had the same key elements,' she told the court. 'In groups of two or more, they broke into residential properties and in the majority the residents were at home in the early hours of the morning. They stole cars ranging from Vauxhall Astras to Mercedes and BMWs, driving them away. They then saw one of two fates - number plates were changed and attempts to scratch off the identification numbers were made, and then sold on. A small number were destroyed - smashed up and set alight. Tools were used to enter the properties. Some of the defendants wore masks and gloves.' Hang on, this is the plot of Gone In Sixty Seconds, isn't it? Covele was described as 'a hugely ambitious young woman' of 'respectable upbringing' and who 'aimed to compete at the next Olympics.' Sam Thomas, defending, claimed that she became involved with the gang at a time of 'trauma, distress and stress' as her father was dying. She currently works on a voluntary basis at a livery based in Orpington. Five of the gang were arrested within hours of the final break-in in Hartley on 14 August in which two Mercedes worth a total of ninety grand were stolen. Kelynack was driving a Fiat Punto with Ripley, Hever and two of the sixteen-year-olds as passengers when they were pinched by the bobbies. The Mercedes keys were found under a seat, as well as a large screwdriver, ski mask and gloves. Kelynack acted as a driver in thirteen of the burglaries. Her barrister, Daniel Darnborough, claimed it was 'a reflection of her naivety and lack of criminal sophistication' that she had used her own car. Alexia Zimbler, defending Ripley, said he was considered a ringleader 'by reason of his age.' Hever was described as 'a look-out' who 'received little payment' for his role. The court was told he claimed to have 'acted out of bravado' to 'impress his accomplices.' However, he has since become a mentor in schools, talking to children about 'the consequences of offending.' A court order banning the naming of those under eighteens was lifted by Judge Williams, except in the case of the sixteen-year-old girl. She said there was a 'strong interest' in the public knowing about the crimes, including the identities of those involved.

Tennessee deputies arrested a New York man accused of selling mushrooms, fake acid and other fake drugs out of a tent at Bonnaroo. According to the CCSD, deputies spotted David Brady selling what appeared to be narcotics out of tent. He stood up when deputies approached him, threw a bag behind him and a bag of mushrooms fell from his waistband. Deputies searched him and found thirty seven pills made to look as if they were Molly, a synthetic drug which alters mood and perception, twenty two bags of fake mushrooms, approximately one thousand hits of fake acid, twenty bags made to look like cocaine and an incense stick made to look like black tar heroin. The arrest warrant said that Brady told deputies he was 'doing God's work by selling fake drugs.' An interesting defence, let's see if it stands up in court. He was extremely charged with two counts of counterfeit controlled substances and will be extradited to Arkansas, where he is wanted in Franklin County on a felony bench warrant.

Police in California have arrested a suspect who allegedly shot a man using a shotgun shell packed with a popular breakfast cereal. Officers in the Northern California city of Eureka responded to reports of 'shots fired' and at least one person with a gunshot wound on Wednesday afternoon. The victim, who had suffered a non-life threatening injury to the hand, was treated at a nearby hospital, police said. Detectives caught up with the suspected shooter, twenty nine-year-old Timothy Glass, after he fled to Palco Marsh, site of a large homeless encampment, according to KRCR-TV. Police say one detective suffered a minor injury during the arrest. An investigation later determined that Glass used a flare gun to fire the shell, which had been stuffed with Rice Krispies. Well, that's certainly go with a snap, crackle and pop. Glass was booked into the Humboldt County Correctional Facility for resisting arrest, probation violation and being a daft plank. The victim positively identified Glass but declined to press any charges.

Disneyland visitors got more adventure than they bargained for when a flock of geese let go in flight, fouling the guests. Anaheim police and fire officials say that seventeen people, including six children, were hit by the bird droppings. A 'hazardous materials team' was sent to Main Street near The Sleeping Beauty Castle after a report that faeces had been 'thrown' on people. It was quickly determined that the real culprit was a flock of geese flying overhead. Authorities say the shat-upon visitors were 'taken to a private restroom to clean up and were given with clean clothes.'

An Iowa woman charged with voting twice for Donald Trump during the Presdiental erection last year is back in jail after pleading guilty to 'yelling epithets' at a neighbour. According to the Des Moines Register, Terri Rote pleaded extremely guilty Monday to disorderly conduct, a day after she was arrested. A complaint says that Rote 'repeatedly cursed' at a neighbour in a dispute over their property line. Rote is scheduled to stand trial next month for 'erection misconduct' after allegedly casting two ballots. She told Iowa Public Radio she believed Trump's claim that the polls 'are rigged' and worried her first ballot would be changed to a vote for Hillary Clinton. Tragically, voting once for Donald Trump is not illegal, apparently. A judge revoked Rote's pre-trial release. She is currently being held at the Polk County Jail until she posts a five thousand dollar bond. Another judge recently ruled that Rote is mentally competent to stand trial. Although, again, voting for Trump might suggest otherwise.

The Los Angeles Police Department arrested and charged three of its own juvenile cadets after they stole and crashed three police vehicles, authorities said. The three teens, two males ages fifteen and seventeen and a sixteen-year-old female, were all members of the LAPD cadet programme, Police Chief Charlie Beck said Thursday. They were not identified because they are minors. In addition to the three vehicles, police also recovered two Tasers, two police radios and a bulletproof vest, he said. The theft went undetected until Wednesday, when a watch commander doing daily inventory noticed two black-and-white LAPD patrol vehicles missing from their fleet. The investigation into finding the vehicles promptly focused on the female cadet who had been assigned to the location where the vehicles went missing, Beck said. The teenager was last seen on surveillance video putting petrol on one of the vehicles that was missing. A few hours later, the missing patrol cars were spotted side-by-side on the streets of South Los Angeles. LAPD officers attempted to stop the teens driving the patrol cars, but both fled and at one point during the high speed pursuit, went different directions, initiating two police chases throughout the streets of LA. 'One of the pursuits terminated when the pursuit vehicle was involved in a traffic collision. The second pursuit ended when the pursuit vehicle collided with a non-involved motorist,' Beck said. The teenagers, one of whom was wearing an LAPD bulletproof vest, were arrested and taken in for questioning. During the investigation, one confessed to having stolen a third patrol car. Police found the third car parked in front of a residence near the neighbourhood where the two other vehicles had been spotted and recovered two Tasers and two radios. Beck said that cadets are not allowed to drive patrol cars and the teens had 'outsmarted' the checkout system set in place to account for patrol vehicles. 'They accessed our inventory system, logged in under a sergeant's name that they knew and was on vacation and impersonated him to cover their use of their vehicles,' Beck said. Though, he didn't explain how three teenagers could 'impoersonate' a grown man. Beck reiterated that a full inventory has been done of all police vehicles and firearms. 'We are in the early stages of the investigation. We believe that the cadets may have impersonated police officers using these vehicles,' he said. 'I have conducted a top-to-bottom review of our cadet programme.'

Nigerian athlete Blessing Okagbare had a properly hair-raising moment during a track and field meeting in Oslo on Thursday, when her wig fell off as she jumped. Whether the mishap played its part in her finishing seventh is unclear, but the twenty eight-year-old laughed it off on her Instagram account, saying: 'It is what it is.'

This blogger had quite a packed morning on Tuesday; a medical appointment with Nurse Janice for the six monthly blood, wee-wee and cholesterol check. Yer actual Keith Telly Topping's weight is up but two pounds since the last visit six months ago so that was just about acceptable considering the amount of crap he shovels into his gob on a daily basis. Thence, to town to run a couple of messages and one appointment which left yer actual Keith Telly Topping in rather a good mood for a change; this blogger doesn't want to say too much about that one in case he jinxes it but, hopefully, there'll be more detail on this mysterious whatsit in a few weeks time. This blogger then had a haircut so that he now no longer look like a member of Black Sabbath but, rather, like a member of The Selecter. After that, he went to Morrison's for to do the weekly shop and then went to the bank, where he was witness to one of the most hilariously stroppy displays of impotent and apoplectic customer rage he's ever seen (or even, been either the recipient or the giver of). God, it was funny. Though, one bit of it was rather quasi-racist, admittedly - which this blogger did not approve of and, if the chap in question'd had a face slightly less like he was about to deck the first person who even 'looked at him in a funny way,' this blogger would have gladly told him so. What Keith Telly Topping did approve of, however (and did most of the other people in the queue) was the general 'I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THIS ANY MORE!' rhetoric the guy was giving off which var-nigh got a round of applause from those witnessing his meltdown. Power to the people, brother! Then, this blogger got the bus home.